FoolishTimes Feb 2008

February 2008
a monthly
Your
Girlfriend’’s
Girlfriend
Cat!
Read The Whole
Horrifying Story on Page 8
2 www.foolishtimes.net February 2008
February 2008 www.foolishtimes.net 3
February 2008
Serving the public in Monterey and Santa Cruz counties or whatever.
The Head Fool Speaks Editor’s Note

Okay, okay! We’re growin’ and it ain’t funny. We have new writers, cartoonists, I think we have it all covered in this issue. Jason Love discourses on the Stu-
puzzles, and the catch-all, to be determined, waiting in the wings. We need your pid Bowl—er, Super Bowl; Rosie Sorenson muses on vanity license plates; John
help deciding who or what goes and stays. We’ve already decided to take out the Sammon suspects space aliens; Will Fargo gives us the lowdown on Groundhog
Sponsor a Fool column—costs us too much (you do the math, 41 cents postage Day; Rex considers a valentine for Millie; Robyn recounts the fling that shouldn’t
due for a 25-cent donation). The Help Out An Old Fool survey will disappear in have been; Mary teaches us to defend ourselves against bear and shark attacks;
three months, never to return except when too many of our staff are on a binge, Sarah turns her baby into a sugar monster; Tom Davis teaches he-men to get
off their meds or… The crossword, it’s a pain in the butt to draw all those boxes by
along with cats; and pictures! We got pictures! Yes, we here at the Foolish Times
hand (we do paper, rock, scissors, every month to see who’s stuck), so let us know,
in or out. Email or snail mail us what you think about our regular columnists. aim to please each and every one of our readers. (We can’t help it, we’re mostly
Libras.) Hope you have a great month, and thanks in advance for your Send
Check out the website, www.foolishtimes.net, for a list of places you can pick up Money to Editors Day checks.
a copy of the paper.
P.S. Don’t Forget The Advertisers!
Mike T.
Mike M. Editorial Fool
Head Fool Table of Incompetence
Editorial Corrections So It Goes: Super Bowl................................................ Page 4
Initial Failure ............................................................... Page 5
In response to our “Monterey Man Develops Cheap Global Travel” piece, sev- Sammon Says: Aliens Are Among Us......................... Page 6
eral readers let us know that if you drill straight down from within the 48 US
Monty Python T-Shirt Winners Announced .............. Page 7
states, you will wind up in the Indian Ocean, not, as our writer stated, in China.
We regret being taken seriously. Your Girlfriend’s Cat.................................................Page 8-9
Adventures with Rex ................................................ Page 11
Best of the Inbox .............................................. Page 12 & 19
The Expiration Date .................................................. Page 13
Fool-o-Scope ............................................................. Page 14
What the (bleep) is Foolish Times? Word Search .............................................................. Page 20
Posing as Normal: Surf & Turf Survival ................... Page 21
Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some
months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contribu- Tony’s Ticklers ........................................................... Page 21
tors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or
their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pets, up to and Will Fargo’s Bogus Advice ........................................ Page 22
including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the
what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers” and “artists” who contribute them.
The Fool Crossword Puzzle ...................................... Page 23
Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures Sugar Monster .......................................................... Page 24
are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
Fool Laughs ............................................................... Page 27
Submissions: We’re eager to read your stuff (see the Web site for back issues to get an
idea of what we like). Just submit online to editor@foolishtimes.net. However, submis-
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List of Fools
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Head Fool ..................................................................................................... Mike M.
Advertisers: For rate information, email Mike at mike@foolishtimes.net or call 831- Editorial Fool ................................................................................................. Mike T.
648-1038. For rat information, call your exterminator. Layout Fool ................................................................................ Jonathan Rogers
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Times, P.O. Box 4046, Monterey, CA 93942. Allow 4-6 weeks for first delivery. No kidding. Tom Burns, Tom Davis, Tony Deakin, Will Fargo, Sarah Flake, Robyn Justo,
Snails are slow, man. Jason Love, Stephen L. Millich, John Sammon, Rosie Sorenson, Mary Tompsett,
Website: www.foolishtimes.net. For best results, use a computer. Monty Truitt, Ron de Tuna, the Unknown Cartoonist, Clair Voyant
So It Goes
“Where the hell are those fighter
planes?”
“Sir, they’re buzzing a football game, Good Old Fashion
Family Food
sir.”
Finally, the ambassador of Zimbabwe
tosses the official Super Bowl coin (Taco
Bell is heads, Pepsi tails), the kicker boots
by Jason Love,
Syndicated Humor Columnist
the pigskin, and slowly we remember
that football consists mostly of elephan-
tiacal men untangling from three-yard
Black
runs. It’s so predictable that we pee dur-
Super Bowl ing the game so that we DON’T MISS

COMMERCIALS.
Half of us don’t even care who wins.
Bear
Diner
We just want the blue team to score two
safeties before the half, or the period, or
Then come the interviews with play- whatever it is, so that our square wins
ers who can barely support their heads the lottery. Before you know it, a field
for elephantiasis of the ego. And though goal kicker is called away from his ciga-
they struggle with basic inflections of rette to decide the game and we are left
to face the cold, harsh reality: Football
the language, we listen with 300 micro-
will never fill our void.
phones.
It is a parade for which we wave our
“How does it feel to be going to the
flags and shout like the cheerleaders
big game?” who themselves aren’t even watching
“For me to put it in words, you know, the game! And as the last millionaire
it’s like, DAMN...” somersaults by, we realize that nothing
has been accomplished. We’re still fight-
ing the same wars and dealing with
pollution and giving airtime to Donald
“Some of them praise Trump.
Every year I look forward to the Super the Lord for aiding Maybe if the losing team were to
forfeit its salary or be kicked out of the
Bowl, and every year it’s like eating a TV
dinner—always looks better in the pic- their victory, and it’s a country or give us all a back rub, then we
wouldn’t feel so dumb holding our beer
ture.
Nothing, not even Armageddon, could
little-known fact that can smudged in veggie dip.
Breakfast • Lunch • Dinner
It reminds me of Tom Robbins’s “Skin-
live up to the hoopla. The pregame show
begins three weeks before kickoff, when
most murders and train ny Legs and All,” where an exotic dancer Kid Friendly, Comfort Food
was to reveal the meaning of life through Open 365 Days
neckless men begin dissecting the
games, going backward week by week
wrecks occur because her “Dance of the Seven Veils”... on Super
Bowl Sunday. Some men tried to run Daily Specials
till they finally get to the beginning...
God was helping others back and forth between the football
game and the dance; others watched
10% Military Discount
“Football dates back to the 1800s,
when a soccer player decided, on a lark, win football games.” the dance as best they could, sweat-
ing from the conflict. And for me to put
Gilroy
to pick up the ball and run. Opponents 395 Leavesley Rd.
tackled him to the ground, beat him silly, it in words, you know, it’s like, DAMN.
408-842-9901
and gave birth to the sport we love to- Some of them praise the Lord for aid-
day.” ing their victory, and it’s a little-known Jason Love is an award-win-
ning humor columnist, stand-up Salinas
As much as I enjoy football—well, the fact that most murders and train wrecks 805 W. Laurel St.
comedian, and author of “Snap-
12 minutes of actual play time—maybe occur because God was helping others
win football games. shots: The Big Picture,” available at 831-449-1545
we’re watching a little too closely... Amazon.com. Check out more of
“The Patriots are more likely to score I like to flip between pregame shows his work at www.jasonlove.com.
to hear from a cross section of experts: Carmel
on odd weeks when Aries is in the sev-
enth house. For further analysis, we go William Shatner, Eminem, Sideshow Bob. 12 Crossroads Center
Brittney Spears even ventured an opin- Hwy. 1 at Rio Road
to Shirley MacLaine. Shirley?”
ion. Turns out that she only knows about
And we gobble it up, gimme, gimme, tight ends. So it goes.
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Initial
“Yeah.” the last two men—it did hurt a little,
though—”
“Honey, the heart don’t like being tore
up like that, never has, never will. It’s a “My advice? Don’t settle in with any
shame how that works—a cryin’ shame. old guy until you find the one that
Failure
By the way, what happened to the guy wants to put YOUR initials on HIS license
before that— ‘Mr. BGBY’—uh, Big Boy?” plate!”
“He—uh, didn’t work much, but that “Huh. You know, ma’am, you got me
wasn’t so bad because I knew he was to thinking—how about something like,
trying, but then I found stuff, you know, oh, I don’t know—‘M-Y-W-Y-O-R-H-W-
By Rosie Sorenson drug stuff in his truck and then he got Y’? Can you get me one like that ?”
mad—said I was snoopin’ on him—”
“Now you’re talkin’, hon! ‘My Way Or
Last week, I saw a young woman driv- “A little of both, I guess.” “Oh, boy.” The Highway!’ You’ll have it next week.”
ing a small blue sedan with personal-
ized license plates: “LLBSK8”. I couldn’t “Right. He dumped you. How come?” “Do you think I’m pathetic?”
imagine at her age possessing enough “Uh—don’t you think that’s kinda per- “That’s not the word I’d use, hon. You Rosie Sorenson’s work has appeared
faith in a relationship to have it em- sonal?”
seem young, is all. Young in the head, in the San Francisco Chronicle, the
bossed on metal for all the world to see. Contra Costa Times, and the Berkeley
What would she say to the DMV clerk if young in the heart—and a tad desper-
“Listen, hon, you can talk to me. I hear ate.” Daily Planet. Her essays have also been
(or more likely, WHEN) her relationship stories, you know—all kinds. Maybe I broadcast on KQED-FM as part of its
ended? Let’s listen in on the conversa- can help.” “Desperate?” Perspectives series. Her essay “Safe
tion: Haven” was named Listener Favorite for
“Oh. Well, at first he was—you know— “Well, three years, five different license 2006. She won Honorable Mention in
“Good afternoon, Department of Mo- it was just about perfect. I thought he plates? Guess it could have been worse, the Erma Bombeck International Writ-
tor Vehicles.” was my dream man. But then—he start- though. You could have had their names ing Contest. Her work also appears in
ed stayin’ out all night—” tattooed on your butt or something—” the upcoming 25th Anniversary edition
“Hi, this is Linda—”
of Mobius, the Poetry Journal. Readers
“You mean you let him move in with “Uh—” can read more of her work at
“Yes, Miss Barnes, how can I help you? This ‘Mr. SK8?’
you?” www.damngoodwriters.com.
“No! Oh, my, that’s gotta hurt—espe-
“Excuse me, ma’am, but how did you cially getting them removed—not to
know my name?” “Your current license mention the expense and—”
“You called our 800 number.” plate—‘LLBSK8’—dead “Only two—I only got tattoos for
“Oh, right. Caller ID.” giveaway. You must

“Wonders of technology, eh?” have been in love with
“I guess so. Uh, listen, I need to make
a change—in my license plate—you
SOMEBODY to order a
know—get a new one?” special plate like that.
“Was the old one lost or stolen?”
What happened?”
“Well, no, it’s just that—”
“Ah, the relationship crashed, did it?” “Uh-huh.”
“What?” “Big mistake. I say, don’t let ‘em move

in ‘til you got a big rock on your finger
“Your current license plate— and the date set.”
‘LLBSK8’—dead giveaway. You must
have been in love with SOMEBODY to “Uh-uh—well, what do YOU know? I
order a special plate like that. What hap- mean, have you ever been in love so bad
pened?” you’d do—you’d do—WHATEVER—? ”
“It just didn’t work out.” “Look, hon, do the words ‘rode hard
and put away wet’ mean anything to
“Hmm. I can see from our records that you?”
this is your fifth license change in three
years.” “No.”
“That many? Guess I musta lost track.”
“Well, that’s how my friends describe
me—on a good day. I’ve been around
“Did he dump you, or did you dump the block with men so many times it’s
HIM?” not even funny.”
“Excuse me?” “Oh. I’m sorry. I get so—I just can’t stop
“It’s not a trick question, Miss Barnes. cryin’—you’d think by now that—”
Did you dump him, or did he dump “You’d get used to it?”
you?”
an errand, and there, right there, one of Before you can answer, Tranisiuc thugs a linking laxative, allows them to more
the inmates who was off his medication step out from behind your shrubbery completely go to the bathroom. They
spilled the beans, confessed the whole and whisk you away. have enslaved other planets for their oil
thing. reserves.
Your alien double takes your place.
They’re among us! They’re taking over. Now, it’s our turn.
I have the proof! You disappear. Forever.
We must demand a full investigation
The Tranisiuc. A race of aliens from The government knows all about it. by our government, and a pre-emptive
space who have been landing here and They’ve been briefed. But to deflect strike against the Tranisiuc.
infiltrating our society by adapting our panic among the general public, they’ve
looks (I haven’t figured out how they kept us in the dark. If I disappear… if the Tranisiuc kidnap
adapt our looks, but I will). me and take me to their planet… re-
What do the Tranisiuc want? member. I tried to warn you.
That’s if they don’t get me first.
According to the guy at the rest home, You can read more articles at:
ammon
S
They’re posing in certain professions. they want to enslave us to get our oil re- www.sammonsays.com
That’s their scheme to take over. Jobs serves. It seems they have an incomplete
that allow them access to records, your anal system in which petroleum acts as
records.
ays
What professions you ask? Common
ones. Blue and white collar jobs, like car
mechanic. When you drop your car off to
Opinionated?
by get it fixed, that gives the aliens plenty
John of time to rifle through your glove com- Skilled with artistic and satirical flair?
partment, and check your checkbook,
Sammon registration, and other documents. The (Heck, we’ll even settle for droll, mildly vitriolic and handy with a pen.)
guy at my car repair place who won’t
Aliens Are
talk to me, and looks at me oddly when I Submit your cartoons to:
ask him a simple question about wheth-
er he can get me a cheaper part for a
editor@foolishtimes.net
repair.
Among Us “If there are eight hundred

It can now be revealed.
cars in a parking lot, when
They’re taking over the world. They’re Now for the First Time in Monterey
living and working among us. I go to get in my car, the
Presenting the Delightful World of America’s Foremost Painter of Americana
The aliens of the Tranisiuc. only other person in that Jane Wooster Scott
This is no drill. This is the real McCoy. lot getting into their car
I’m telling the world in the hope we can
do something before it’s too late. at the same time is the
I saw this guy at the automatic outside one right next to mine.”
bank teller tearing up his receipt into a
hundred pieces. That’s how it started. I
was suspicious. So I retrieved some of He’s one of them. I know it.
the pieces.
Also, the woman in your school’s
It was in code. home room, the receptionist. She can
quiz your kid about you. She has access
Written on the paper were the letters to records on you. Where you live, what
L R L R L R L R L R L R L. you do.
How did I know? It took me seven But these are just the advance guard.
weeks to tape the pieces back together. More are coming.
It was in code. They are ferrying in agents from their
mysterious planet. The other night I was
Ever since then, I have been followed. enjoying a martini, and saw a diamond-
It happens time and again. If there are shaped pattern of ten of their craft fly-
eight hundred cars in a parking lot, when ing in a tight formation.
I go to get in my car, the only other per-
son in that lot getting into their car at They were headed for San Francisco. Special Guest Artist Presentation Featuring an Extensive Collection of
the same time is the one right next to Framed Limited Edition Serigraphs at Very Special Collector’s price
mine. This is how they take over. A double
of you shows up at your door, saying Nelson Ocean Art Outlet
You think this is a coincidence? they’re working their way through col- American Tin Cannery Outlets
lege, and asks you if you want to buy an
Finally, I went to an old-age home on encyclopedia. 125 Ocean View Boulevard Suite 127 • 831-641-0196
MONTY PYTHON T-SHIRT

WINNERS ANNOUNCED!!!
Regular readers of this paper (and what a sorry lot you are) know that Foolish Foolish Times Publisher Mike Miele Abe enjoyed the show. He did not sit
Times presented “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” on the opening night of Gold- and his date for the evening, a rabbit in the balcony.
en State Theatre’s International Film Week back in November. Yesterday we remem- with a vicious streak a mile wide.
bered to draw the names for the Monty Python t-shirt giveaway. And who are the
lucky winners? Why, they are none other than Will Siegfried and Christopher Hahn.
Will and Christopher, please pick up your t-shirts at the Golden State Theatre box
office. Be prepared to show a photo ID and answer the question, “What is your fa-
vorite color?” Trust us, you don’t want to give the wrong answer.
Now, on with the pictures from the event.
Two theatre goers enjoy the film. To And now for something completely
the left are two humans. different: a man in a tiger mask throw-
ing a football.
Sir John Cleese surprised everyone by making an appearance. He was standing

right under this sign when this photo was taken.
Fool’s Quote
“When in doubt, make a
fool of yourself. There
is a microscopically thin
line between being
brilliantly creative and
acting like the most
A Foolish Times fan registers for the t- gigantic idiot on earth.
shirt giveaway. He lost. So what the hell, leap.”
- Cynthia Heimel
What a lovely display. Then the crowds came. And miraculously, the display re-
mained the same.
Your Girlfriend’s Cat

9mm. It’s called a metaphor, and Janik If you are in a love-me-love-my-cat re-
simply means that you must gauge the lationship, like it or not, you’re going to
cat’s personality so that you are better have to interact with the cat. And suffice
armed in dealing with it. it to say that a guy who treats the cat
like a lower life form will not score high
As a general rule, you ace your intro- marks with a cat-loving woman.
by Tom Davis duction to a cat by stooping slightly and
extending a hand; the cat will sniff your “A man who won’t let the cat sleep on
Let’s call her Muffy. The cat, not your Cats have about 40 million more olfac- hand the same way it sniffs its own turd in the bed is a man who will be sleeping
girlfriend. Why Muffy? It just seems like tory cells than you do, so they can smell the litter box before pawing over it. With alone,” says one of my female cat-own-
a good name for an utterly repugnant you coming. any luck the cat won’t like you and will ing friends. Don’t even try to argue this
creature. The cat, not your girlfriend. turn into the hide-whenever-you-come- logic. If she’s worth it, a pillow covered
Remember that the cat, being the around kind. But don’t be surprised if the in cat hair is a small price to pay. So your
She hisses at you. She swipes at you if snakelike little mutant creature you al- cat’s curious nature expands to include best bet is to bite the bullet that you
you try to pet her. She hops up on the ready knew it to be, lacks a true collar- you. You may even find yourself a little were going to use on Muffy, and make
coffee table to block your view of that bone and can squeeze itself through flattered by its attentions. DO NOT LET room for kitty.
fourth-and-inches play.When you’re get- holes little bigger than its head. You, on DOWN YOUR GUARD. Remember—first
ting into it hot and heavy with your girl- the other hand, can barely zip your jeans they play with your shoestrings, then When talking to a cat, imagine that
friend, she climbs between you. You’re after a Guinness. they play with your head. you are addressing the feline incarna-
pretty sure she’s saving that special hair tion of Don Rickles. I say this not to en-
for your next pizza slice, and you’re pret- The cat can leap five times its own Never, I repeat, NEVER reach for the courage sarcasm or insults, but to dis-
ty sure it comes from the least desirable height and run 30 miles per hour. You, on cat, pick up the cat, or in any way en- courage them. For I am here to tell you
of body areas. the other hand, can leap about a quarter croach upon the cat. Let the cat come to that if you attempt to match wits with
inch and generally take the elevator. you. Also, calling for a cat will do little to a cat, you will lose. The cat invented sar-
You love your girlfriend, but her cat… endear it to you and gives it the perfect casm and can bury you with a single
Her cat is a problem. What’s a cat-hating The cat can walk blithely along fence opportunity to ignore you. look. Remember: If a cat had a middle
he-man like yourself to do? tops and twist 180 degrees in mid- finger, he would use it.
pounce. It has a bite unlike anything Cats respond to higher-pitched voices
Well, considering that a poll in “Men’s you’ve seen since Holyfield-Tyson II. (hence their partiality toward women), The cat knows that revenge is a dish
Health” magazine indicated that 78% of so your Michael Jackson impersonation best served cold. It could be weeks be-
women wouldn’t continue in a relation- Its weapon of choice is its retractable will come in handy here. fore retaliation happens, but happen it
ship with a man if he did not tolerate claws. If your girlfriend’s cat is declawed, will. Cats lay more vomit than US Rail
their cat, you’re probably going to have remember that it still has 30 pointy Like you, the cat likes to have its back lays track, and they have a way of know-
to get along with Muffy. teeth, with nary a flat grinding molar scratched. A gentle scratch between the ing where you’ll be walking two hours
among them. Your girlfriend says Muffy’s ears will also win you points. The cat may from now. Cats have also been known
Following are seven strategies for a sweetie-pie? Well, inform her that her even fall over in an ecstasy of loving, in- to use urine as a weapon when they are,
keeping the peace with your girlfriend’s little sweetie-pie uses four special teeth, viting you to scratch its stomach. THIS IS well, pissed.
cat. But first, you must know your en- appropriately called the killing teeth, A TRAP. Do not fall for it unless you have
emy. to find the position on the prey’s back- fingers to spare. Some men make the mistake of think-
bone that will enable it to dislocate the ing Muffy is really just Fido packed into
KNOW YOUR ENEMY vertebrae with a sudden bite. STRATEGY 2—INTERACT WITH THE an odd, alienlike form. Another big
CAT mistake. They are two different species
Realize that you’re dealing with a Above all, remember that the cat’s and act like it. Dogs and cats will both
hunter whose prime hunting periods most potent weapon is psychology. The You may think that the best way to roll over to show submissiveness, but
are just before dawn and just after dusk. cat is a reservoir of palace intrigue, and get along with the cat is to ignore it. Big whereas dogs like a belly scratch, and
Consider yourself warned against sneak you, my friend, are in its palace. mistake. will lie there grinning like an imbecile
The Unknown Cartoonist

attacks as you stumble to the bathroom
at six a.m. STRATEGY 1—DRAW A BEAD ON THE Continued On Page 9
CAT
Those cool night-vision glasses the
Army uses? Cats are born with them, “The first thing is to try to draw a bead
the reflective layer of the eye (called the on the cat,” says Carolyn Janik, co-author
tapetum) serving to enhance any light of “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Living
that reaches the retina. Like a ninja, the with a Cat.”
cat can use darkness against you.
Whoa, cowboy. Put down the Glock
Downtown Old Monterey

Farmers Market
Every Tuesday
Rain or Shine
Winter hours 4-7pm
See Ya There
Continued From Page 8 STRATEGY 6—HELP WITH THE CAT
while you do it, a cat will be more likely File this one under The Things We Do
to give you a demonstration of the clas- For Love.
sic Pincers Movement: a paw from the
east, a paw from the west, and let the Helping with the cat does not make
bloodletting begin. you a hypocrite. What it makes you is
gruffly loveable. Feel free to mutter
STRATEGY 3—GIFT THE CAT under your voice as you carry the cat
in the pet cage to the vet. If the house-
Why would you gift the cat? To para- bound cat makes a break through the
phrase the great military strategist and open door, gamely give chase. If the cat
general Sun-tzu, keep your friends close is stuck up a tree, play Superman. If the
and your furry little enemies closer. And cat scratches you, apologetically say, “It
the cat, a Machiavel on many levels, is must’ve been something I did.”
not above a little paw greasing now and
then. What’s the single best way to help
with the cat? Cleaning out that little
That said, not all cats like all toys. In taste of hell called the litter box. As you
keeping with its finicky nature, a cat will pan for gold, remind yourself that, in the
turn up its nose at the pricey adorable words of poet Robert Hayden, you are
gift you thought perfect in favor of a performing one of love’s austere and
twist tie off a loaf of bread. Before doing lonely offices. (He wasn’t talking about
any gift shopping, wad up a piece of tin- dealing with cat turds, but it applies. In
foil and throw it; if the cat goes nuts, you fact, it applies MORE.)
save twenty bucks.
STRATEGY 7—SUPPORT THE CAT
Gifting is also a great way to patch
up a relationship if you’ve already had When you support the cat, you do
a falling out. “Bribe the cat,” Janik says what most women complain most men
bluntly. don’t do: work on the relationship. I am
not overstating this: Support the cat,
STRATEGY 4—KILL THE CAT. WITH and you support your relationship.
KINDNESS!
Think of the cat as a daily trial you
You want to kill Muffy, do you? Then must overcome, like dealing with Ted in
kill it! With kindness! Financing or the human resources ditz
who has misplaced your resume AGAIN.
If cats were stock investors, their strat-
Simply resolve yourself to dealing with
egy would be contrarian. They know
life’s little unpleasantnesses, like the oc-
what you think they should do, and con-
casional cat hair that somehow materi-
sequently do the opposite. When you
alized on the lip of your pilsner glass.
and your girlfriend are snuggling, the cat
suddenly appears, suddenly your friend, Be supportive when the cat is experi-
and climbs between you, the key word encing a crisis. Remember that declaw-
being “between.” However, you can use ing is an invasive operation, and keep
the cat’s strategy against it. Simply hug the defurring, detoothing, and dehead-
it to you and say something along these ing jokes to yourself. Let’s not even get
lines: “God bwess its widdle heart. Isn’t into neutering. And if (God forbid!) the
it pwecious?” The cat will not be able to cat should pass on, be there for your
get out of there fast enough. girlfriend. Remember, there are no small
If the cat hisses at you? Turn the other tragedies.
cheek, my friend. Your girlfriend will see Finally, remind yourself that the world
1) you making an effort, and 2) the cat is not kind to cats either. Most cats live
being the petulant little ass it is. When
only 10-15 years, so if you have to jus-
it comes down to you or the cat, you
tify your support in some way, realize
want to make sure it’s the cat who’s in
that both of you, ultimately, are screwed.
the doghouse.
Slip the cat some tuna on the side (not
STRATEGY 5—INQUIRE ABOUT THE a lot—the protein-rich dish might result
CAT in a nasty surprise on the carpet) and an
occasional spot of milk. You might even
This one is simply good manners. You discover, while sipping a Guinness and
ask about her parents, her co-workers, watching Monday Night Football with a
her boss; ask about the cat. Don’t be cat curled up in your lap, that Muffy re-
sarcastic. Don’t be cute. Simply say, “And ally isn’t so bad.
how’s Muffy?” That’s it. Let her ramble on
and on. Say “Uh-huh” and “Really?” in the Tom Davis is a freelance writer
appropriate places. She will appreciate whose work has appeared in a
your listening in the same way you ap- bunch of journals you’ve prob-
preciate her listening when you need to ably never heard of. He lives with
vent about why Pitino couldn’t hack it in his girlfriend and two cats and they
Boston or why Larry was an underrated manage to get along just fine.
Stooge.
Real Guys
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There was a large box of Pop-Ice in the did I suddenly feel like a girl?
freezer of my buddy’s shop fridge.
“Because,” a voice in my head said, a
It wasn’t a big deal. I mean, it was Pop- voice that sounded strangely like my
Ice, not a nice bottle of Chardonnay he wife’s, “you’re acting like one.”
Free Estimates
was chilling for the figure skating com-
petition later. I was just surprised. The We stood there, but not too close, as
contents of a shop fridge are typically awkwardly as two guys who have to
beer, beer, summer sausage, beer, bot- sit without a seat between them at the
tles of bovine antibiotics, and maybe if movie theater.
you’re lucky, beer. In the freezer, there’s
“If you put on Chap Stick before you
frost.
eat Buffalo wings,” I said,“your lips won’t
Pop-Ice is the kind of thing in the freez- burn.”
Cypress Coast
er of your kitchen fridge. You bought it
My buddy thought about it a second,
as a treat for the kids in July because
then nodded.
the day was hot and the kids ate exactly
three. Now it’s February and the Pop- “I’ll try that,” he said.
Ice is buried in the back of the freezer TREE SERVICE
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“What’s with the Pop-Ice?” I asked my women shared with
buddy after grabbing a beer.
each other. The only
I wasn’t prepared for his answer. A guy
who loves the NFL, NASCAR, and shoot- thing guys share are Getting Married?
ing some of God’s most tasty creatures
gave me a hint. A helpful hint. The kind
of hint you get from chick magazines
tools, stories about days
and Heloise.
when we had hair, and
“They’re for the beer cooler,” he said.
“The Pop-Ice keeps the beer cold, and knowing nods when a
you can refreeze the ones your kids
don’t eat.” cute girl walks by. We
I looked around to see if we were don’t share handy tips.” A senior citizen said to his “Does she have lots of money?”
alone. This is the kind of thing women
eighty-year-old buddy:
shared with each other. The only thing “Nope! Poor as a church
guys share are tools, stories about days Yeah, I’d given another guy a helpful mouse.”
when we had hair, and knowing nods hint, but it was about something manly
“So I hear you’re getting
when a cute girl walks by. We don’t share like Buffalo wings. I think I would have married?”
“Well, then, is she good in bed?”
handy tips. been safe if I would have said some-
thing about fixing the wings, too, but I “Yep!”
I just hoped he didn’t tell me how to didn’t want to push it.
“I don’ t know.”
get grease out of my work shirts. “Do I know her?”
Then we started talking about cars
“Why in the world do you want
“That’s a good idea,” I said. and cheerleaders, and everything was “Nope!” to marry her then?”
right with the universe.
Yeah, it was. So why was I suddenly “This woman, is she good- “Because she can still drive!”
uncomfortable? Would I feel more com- Jason is the author of “Haunt- looking?”
fortable if it was a bad idea? What else, I ed Missouri: A Ghostly Guide to
wondered, were we going to say? Missouri’s Most Spirited Spots.” “Not really.”
FREE SHIPPING when you order
The shop was as quiet as a horror online at: https://tsup.truman.edu/ “Is she a good cook?”
movie when the creepy music stops. store/ViewBook.aspx?Book=849.
Was he expecting a tip from me? Did I Visit Jason’s Web site, www.jasonof- “Naw, she can’t cook too well.”
need to give a tip? Did I have tip? Why futt.com, for his other books.
I lived with her. Both nights. I guess she down over the edge of the couch. His
could only stand so much canned Dinty chops hung open in total abandonment.
Moore Beef Stew and Pop Tarts.” He half-closed his eyes and was making
choking noises.
Rex seemed to take interest in this leg Fool’s Quote
of my marathon, but I realized he was “Forget it, Rex. I know you’re faking it.
just stretching. You’re not choking and I’m not going “You can always tell a
to give you the Heimlich maneuver like real friend. When you’ve
“See, the thing to remember Rex, is . I did in the McDonald’s parking lot. Be-
. .” Rex had nodded off. A tactic he fre- have yourself. I’m trying to help you. Oh,
made a fool of yourself, he
quently uses as hint for me to shut up forget it.” doesn’t feel you’ve done
Adventures and feed him. I ignored him. “See, the

thing you have to remember is to get a I got up and left him to his silly diver-
gift that truly reflects your feelings for sions. He could get his own gift for Mil-
Millie. Do you want a gift that says, ‘I will lie. I’ve got to hand it to him, though—at
a permanent job.”
- Laurence J. Peter
With Rex love your forever,’ or maybe something least he has a girlfriend. Me? Maybe next
less committal, such as ‘Want to look for year.
By Tom Burns cat turds together?’ or maybe some-
thing more casual, such as, ‘Want to sniff
A few years ago I picked up Rex at each other’s butts?’”
the dog pound. He’s a small black
Dachshund, and my life hasn’t been
the same since. If Rex were the Road-
Runner, I would be Wile E. Coyote.
If Rex were Stan Laurel, I would be
“Once I had to alter
Oliver Hardy. I can never win . . . I can
never win.
the last card in the
drugstore—a Get
GIFT GAB Well card—into a
Rex Keeps Us Busy! His Poop is Our Bread and Butter!
We take great pride in helping you to preserve the beauty and safety of your home
and property. By removing your pet’s waste for you, we eliminate the
“Rex, it’s time to think about a Val- Valentine’s card. It most unpleasant aspect of pet ownership at a surprisingly low cost!
entine’s gift for Millie. She’s your main
squeeze, so we have to get an appro- was in Spanish, too.” 831-393-0362 or 831-917-0209
priate gift for her. Last year’s Valentine www.CoyoteScoop.com
was a dud, if you recall. We got her a
Foolish Animal Photos

cow bone to gnaw on, remember? Half Rex had rolled over onto his back,
a femur, I believe. She felt the ‘cow’ im- wagging his tail, indicating I should in-
plication was a comment on her size. Fe- terrupt the riveting conversation and
males don’t like any gift with the word scratch his belly.
‘cow’ involved, Rex. The fact that she’s
Send us your foolish animal photo and we’ll provide a caption!
an English sheepdog and is ‘big boned’ “No, Rex. Listen, we’ve got to get this
didn’t help, either.” Valentine’s thing off your To Do list and Thanks to Velvet and Daniel for this photo of
not wait until midnight of February their dog, Maxfield Leaf Van Morrison.
My canine companion sat next to me 13th, like I did for my girlfriends. The
on the couch as our conversation pro- good cards are gone by then. Once I had
gressed. to alter the last card in the drugstore—a
Get Well card—into a Valentine’s card. It
“I imagine clothing is a bad idea, too.
was in Spanish, too.”
Anything she could squeeze into would
have to be a Large or XLarge, and you Rex had put his paws over his eyes—a
would just lose more yardage with that, feeble attempt to close me out of his
as well.” world.
Rex looked as if he was pondering the “Knock it off, Rex. We’ve got to get a
possibilities, but in fact, he was probably gift for Millie. My God, she has every-
wondering how long it was until dinner- thing a guy could want! Silky hair, bright
time. eyes, pleasant disposition. Shoot, if she
wasn’t a dog, I’d ask her out myself!”
“Now Rex, I’ve had my share of Val-
entine’s with women over the years. It Rex uncovered his eyes and stared at
can be a treacherous slope, pal. I once me. I think I had crossed a line with him I
bought a girl a book on Proper Tire Ro- shouldn’t have.
tation and a set of crescent wrenches.
She seemed ungrateful. I was hurt. One “Well, you know. I was just speaking
word led to another and before I knew figuratively. Don’t get your hackles up.
it, she kicked me out of her trailer. Lived How about a nice dog tag? ‘With Love
in my truck until I met Dakota. I wised up from Rex?’ ‘Rex and Millie Forever?’
and got Dakota a matching can opener- ‘You’re a Fine Canine?’ Hmmm?” Love your paper! That Rex makes me howl!
toaster set. She LOVED it. She let me use
them to make dinner for her every night Rex was hanging his head upside
Best of
AIDS. The first invests in a total makeover.
She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets
Bottle caps have always been screw- her hair done, new makeup, buys sev-
off and plastic. eral new outfits, dresses up very nicely
The CD was introduced the year they for the man. She tells him that she has
done this to be more attractive for him
the Inbox
were born.
because she loves him so much. The
They have always had an answering man is impressed.
machine.
The second goes shopping to buy
A virtual smorgasbord They have always had cable. the man gifts. She gets him a new set
of jokes and otherwise
of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his
They cannot fathom not having a re- computer, and some expensive clothes.
funny stories e-mailed
mote control. As she presents these gifts, she tells him
to Foolish Times.
that she has spent all the money on him
Jay Leno has always been on the “To- because she loves him so much. Again,
1977-2007 night Show.” the man is impressed.
This is for those whose level of matu-
rity qualifies them to relate to it... 1977: Screw the system. Popcorn has always been cooked in The third invests the money in the
the microwave. stock market. She earns several times
1977: Long hair. 2007: Upgrade the system.
the $5,000. She gives him back his
They never took a swim and thought
1977: Disco. $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in
2007: Longing for hair. about “Jaws.”
a joint account. She tells him that she
1977: KEG. 2007: Costco. They can’t imagine what hard contact wants to save for their future because
lenses are. she loves him so much. Obviously, the
2007: EKG. 1977: Parents begging you to get your man is impressed.
hair cut. They don’t know who Mork was or
1977: Acid rock. where he was from. The man thought for a long time
2007: Children begging you to get about what each woman had done with
2007: Acid reflux. their heads shaved. They never heard: “Where’s the Beef?”, the money he’d given her. Then...
“I’d walk a mile for a Camel,” or “De plane,
1977: Moving to California because it’s 1977: Passing the driver’s test. He married the one with the biggest
Boss, de plane!”
cool. breasts.
2007: Passing the vision test.
They do not care who shot J. R. and
2007: Moving to Arizona because it’s have no idea who J. R. even is. Men are like that, you know.
warm. 1977: Whatever.
McDonald’s never came in Styrofoam There is more money being spent on
1977: Trying to look like Liz Taylor. 2007: Depends. breast implants and Viagra today than
containers.
on Alzheimer’s research. This means that
2007: Trying NOT to look like Liz Tay- FEELING OLD? They don’t have a clue how to use a by 2040, there should be a large elderly
lor. Just in case you weren’t feeling too old typewriter. population with wonderfully working
today, this will certainly change things. equipment and absolutely no recollec-
1977: Seeds and stems. Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to tion of what to do with it.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in
2007: Roughage. Wisconsin puts together a list to try to other old fogies who will appreciate
give the faculty a sense of the mindset it. It’s good to have friends who know ABOUT MOMS
1977: Hoping for a BMW. of this year’s incoming freshmen. Here’s about these things and are still alive and Answers given by second-grade
this year’s list: kicking!
2007: Hoping for a BM. school children to the following ques-
tions:
1977: Going to a new, hip joint.
The people who are starting college CHOOSING A WIFE
this fall across the nation were born in Why did God make mothers?
A man wanted to get married. He was
1989.
2007: Receiving a new hip joint. having trouble choosing among three
1. She’s the only one who knows where
They are too young to remember the likely candidates. He gives each woman
1977: Rolling Stones. space shuttle blowing up. a present of $5,000 and watches to see
what they do with the money. Continued On Page 19
2007: Kidney stones. Their lifetime has always included
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The
more in common with the seven-year- confused. Is it about Getting the Love
old and start backpedaling. He feels me You Want, Keeping the Love You Find, or
slipping away, reluctantly closes his on- Mind, Find (or Hard-to-Find) and Bind?
line profiles, professes his feelings, and I’m out of my mind.
asks for an exclusive relationship. The
Expiration Date
knees go out from under me. Sometimes I am like the bull with
the matador. I run toward the red flags
The following week is glorious. Al- instead of away from them. I’ve side-
though he is a busy and quite elusive stepped psychological landmines, been
fellow with a very full plate, I’m unchar- attracted to bad boys, seen my flaws
acteristically content to be the appe- mirrored in my partner, and noticed the
tizer. He tells me how he prefers sleep- similarities between my dates and my
By Robyn Justo ing and vacationing alone and for some Dad. I could always find the bent needle
The Legend of a Modern-Day Cowboy

reason I ignore the inherent warnings in the haystack. But with the years pass-
and distancing techniques. In order to ing and the pool of available men quick-
earn my trust (his words), he admits to ly evaporating, where does one draw
covert behavior, undercover work, un- the line?
der the covers work, and dishonest busi-
ness dealings. By this time, I’m starting At this age, it is obvious that I need to
People tell you all you need to know ing on my every word. All the time I’m make better choices and ones that aren’t
about them within the first twenty-four wondering if he might be surgically en- to have Mafia nightmares and worry
that my friends might be seeing my pic- motivated by the fear of being alone on
hours. On our first date, an ex-boyfriend hanced, maybe nipped and tucked or a Saturday night. This sixty-two-year-
told me that he was a pathological liar. tucked and rolled at his age. Regardless, ture on the back of a milk carton. Like
any normal, red-blooded (and wants to old cowboy should have kept his gun
It was the only time he ever told me the this salt-and-peppered, baby-blue-eyed in his holster. I should have stuck to my
truth. stranger has my attention. He excuses keep it) woman would do, I start to ask
a few questions after some unexplained guns and remembered the twenty-four-
With the weekend fast approaching, I disappearances and obvious omissions. hour rule. Or, like that little girl years ago
accept a “safe” date from an older man with a fascination for electrical outlets,
whose online photos look acceptable, “His moves are slow and “I don’t answer to anyone,” he says who walked away with a pouty lip and
but not outstanding. During our first coldly and dismissively. (Exit stage left.) blackened fingers, I might end up with
phone call, he admits that he is merely deliberate as he makes Someone recently asked me why I
bruised feelings and a broken heart.
looking for an occasional date, nothing
serious or sexual. I don’t expect any-
his entrance into the would start a relationship that I knew Copyright 2008 Robyn Justo
would end. All of them end sometime, I
thing more than a quick dinner and
superficial conversation on a Saturday
restaurant, like a reticent thought. Ok, so I’m guilty. But something
tells me that I am not alone. I’ve read
night. His name brings up images of an
old-time gunslinger and I can’t imagine
cowboy pushing his way all the self-help books and find myself
ever screaming it out loud in the heat of
passion, so I feel safe.
through the wooden doors
His moves are slow and deliberate as
of a Wild West saloon in
he makes his entrance into the restau-
rant, like a reticent cowboy pushing his
a spaghetti western.”
way through the wooden doors of a
Wild West saloon in a spaghetti west- himself for a restroom break and I notice
ern. I’m expecting George Burns, but as the physique, 44-inch chest (so he says)
oxymoronic as it might sound, at sixty- with the rest fully packed. I’m starting to
two this guy is a hottie. He’s attractive, feel a little weak in the knees.
engaging, and has a delightfully dry
sense of humor. He tells me that he’s The evening ends with a long, pas-
not very deep and that he doesn’t care sionate kiss. He seems smitten and asks
much about the truth. I giggle like a hor- to see me again. I tell him to give me a
monally charged teenager. I assume he’s call. This is my sorry attempt at being
teasing. He’s not. coy. We meet for coffee the next day.
Later that week, he arrives at my door
Call it journalistic curiosity or romanticwith three yellow roses and an umbrella
masochism, but I want to know more. As that he has designed, a Star Wars version
a child I used to stick bobby pins in elec- with a shaft that lights. He looks like he
trical outlets and swallow jacks if this stepped out of the AARP edition of GQ
helps my case. He admits to four mar- magazine. I’m enjoying the attention
riages, cheating, being in recovery, and and slowly forgetting the twenty-four-
walking out on a diabetic date as she hour rule, along with my name. My toe is
was giving herself an insulin shot in the in the water now, but I have no idea how
restroom. I’m still there and the thought strong the riptides are.
of backpedaling out the back door
hasn’t entered my mind. This guy might By the end of the week, he is hinting
not be boyfriend material, but he’s quite about intimacy, although his profile is
an interesting character. And how can I still online and he admits to his addic-
drown in such shallow waters? tion to looking at women. He asks me to
meet his son, an adorable seven-year-
He seems fascinated by the fact that old who writes music and counsels his
I’m a writer and can hold a conversation. dad on the inappropriate use of profan-
He slowly leans across the table, hang- ity. I’m starting to think that I might have
February birthdays LIBRA (9/23-10/22)

by Clair Voyant
Spot The Differences!
The candles on your cake provide the Never one to hurt your parents’ feel-
séance-like atmosphere that enables ings, you’ve always shied away from At a glance, these two photos look alike. However,
you to channel the spirits of Buddy your secret desire to celebrate Get a
Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bop- Different Name Day. But this month, the one on the bottom has been subtly altered using
per, who do a birthday tribute to you put the niceties aside and meditate
on The Day Your Youth Died. until your true name comes to you
sophisticated, high-tech computer software. Can you
like a vision of madness, the one spot the differences? Answers on page 33!
ARIES (3/21-4/19) name that reflects your alter ego:
This February falls on a leap year, Snotty Wafflechunks.
which proves to be the perfect es-
cape for you, the adventurous Arian. SCORPIO (10/23-11/21)
In a leap year, which only happens
every four years, a comet breaks
Use your dislike of the establishment
and convention to promote a little Photo 1
through the earth’s atmosphere, tem- known but monumental cause: Move
porarily opening a portal to another Hollywood (& Broadway) to Leba-
world where reality TV shows do not non, Pennsylvania Day. Just imagine
exist. the endless opportunities for Amish
extras and bologna and Wertz candy
TAURUS (4/20-5/20) product placements!
Ask yourself a question during Dump
Your Significant Jerk Week: “Out of all SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21)
the jerks in my life, who is the most This month, your optimism comes
significant?” Don’t be surprised if it’s in handy on Do a Grouch a Favor
hard to pick just one. Day. Do whatever it takes to make
a grouch grin. One word of advice,
GEMINI (5/21-6/21) which came to me last night after
You shouldn’t have any problems watching a certain DVD: watching a
with Be Humble Day, as you are mod- computer-animated Underdog rap
est and unassuming by nature. How- may make a grouch groan.
ever, be on guard on Charles Dickens
Day, when your suppressed memories CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19)
of slogging through “Great Expecta- This Valentine’s Day, fight your miserly
tions” in seventh grade come back to tendencies by giving your sweetie
haunt you in the form of three ghosts. two boxes of candy hearts instead of
one. And no, they don’t make dol-
CANCER (6/22-7/22) lar-off coupons for a 59-cent box of
Let go of the past this Don’t Cry Over candy.
Spilled Milk Day. There is no whiteout
to remove those pictures of you on
the Internet. But look on the bright
AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18)
This month, you will experience a
Photo 2
side— not many people will recog- disturbing spiritual awakening when
nize you by that mole on your [cen- Punxsutawney Phil awakens from his
sored]. winter snooze, pops out of his den,
and shares with you the ultimate
LEO (7/23-8/22) meaning of life, which will cause you
You’ve always thought bigger than to seek psychological care for an
most would dare. So, this month, take unspecified duration of time.
the creative opportunity to reinvent
yourself on Who Shall I Be Day. But, PISCES (2/19-3/20)
you might not want to try out your This month, allow your kindness to
new Lambchop persona at your ma- extend to your neighbors. I know
cho buddy’s Super Bowl party. you say you’ve celebrated it all along,
but I’m afraid you’ve been getting it
VIRGO (8/23-9/22) all wrong. The holiday is, technically,
Open your heart this month on Make Wave ALL Your Fingers (as in, hello) At
a Friend Day. Don’t be afraid to show Your Neighbors Day…
and share your emotional vulnerabil-
ity, although sobbing on the shoulder
of the bagger at the grocery store
over the price of kiwi might be going
a bit far.
Your Local Connection to Home Grown Goods:

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Slazay, Bernardus Lodge, Kovack Brothers, Boete, Galante & Zealer
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Fresh Bagel Bakery bagels • Fresh Local bread delivered daily by Kelly’s Bakery and Sumano’s
Bakery Gizdich Pies are available (when you can catch them on the shelf!)
The
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First ng Contes
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Hot Dog E
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“Best of The Inbox” she has to because dad’s such a goof- I quickly discarded any such thought. Then that ugly, old wrinkled son-of-a-
Continued from Page 12 ball. This balding gray-haired man with the gun asked, “What did you teach?”
deeply lined face was much too old to
the scotch tape is. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspec- have been my secret crush... or was he?
tion. She sees the stuff under the bed.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
After he examined my teeth I asked
3. I guess Mom is, but only because if he had attended Morgan Park High
FOOLISH THOUGHT
3. To help us out of there when we
she has a lot more to do than dad. School.
were getting born. If a cow
What’s the difference between moms “Yes, I did. I’m a Mustang!” he said, laughed,
How did God make mothers?
and dads? gleaming with pride.
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of
would milk
1. Moms work at work and work at “When did you graduate?” I asked. come out
us.
home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot “1959,” he answered. “Why do you her nose?
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers ask?”
of stirring.
without scaring them.
3. God made my Mom just the same “Well, you were in my class!” I ex-
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but claimed.
like he made me. He just used bigger
moms have all the real power ‘cause
parts.
that’s who you got to ask if you want to
What ingredients are mothers made sleep over at your friend’s.
of?
4. Moms have magic; they make you
1. God makes mothers out of clouds feel better without medicine.
and angel hair and everything nice in
What does your mom do in her spare
the world and one dab of mean.
time?
2. They had to get their start from
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
men’s bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all
day long.
Why did God give you your mother
and not some other mom? What would it take to make your mom
perfect?
1. We’re related.
1. On the inside she’s already perfect.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more
Outside, I think some kind of plastic sur-
than other people’s moms like me. 10 00
gery.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
2. Dye it. You know, her hair. I’d dye it, 1
1. My Mom has always been my mom maybe blue.
0
00100
01000
Computer 11
1 0
and none of that other stuff.
If you could change one thing about
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, your mom, what would it be?
0
0
10101
10110
1110 1 0 1
1 00
00001 10000010
00010
00010 1 1 101
00100
1 1 1 0 0
Frustration? 0
1
0
but my guess would be pretty bossy.
1. She has this weird thing about me 01 0101010 00101 01010101 10101000
01110 00100 0 10101 1 10101 10010 0
3. They say she used to be nice. keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of 1 0 1 0 0 1 0 1 1 0 10101
01010 111 101 100 10 01 10
that. 00100 010 0010 01010100 01001011 00101001 01000101
What did mom need to know about 10001 10 100 010 00 001 0
dad before she married him? 2. I’d make my mom smarter. Then she 01010 11000100 10010111 10101000 01001000 01110101
10001 10 01 10 10
would know it was my sister who did it 00101 00100010 01010100 01010101 00100100
1. His last name. and not me. 01010 0 10000 01010 00001
0 00100 01 01 1 00 0
01011 00010011 10101000 10
2. She had to know his background. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those 10101 1 0 1 0
Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on invisible eyes on the back of her head. 01010 01010100 00
11101 0100
beer? 01110
10
3. Does he make at least $800 a year?
Did he say NO to drugs and YES to Have you
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Posing As
in some shark circles, because the critter Copyright © 2008 by Mary Tompsett
sped away in a sullen snit.
Mary Tompsett is a self-syndicated
Some of us, though, risk tossing our columnist hoping to snag an agent for
her first novel. She lives on the far east
cookies while poking at a sliver. I say we
opt for creative camouflage. Look for side of Santa Cruz (okay, Wisconsin)
Normal
my new line of swimwear with dangling with her dog and two cats, who allow
rubber legs. And bells, just in case. her to believe she is their goddess. Her
horse left the family for a more stable
Well, that’s my report on survival. environment.
What? You’re off to spend five hours
By Mary Tompsett with the grandkids at Chuck E. Cheese?
Surf ’n Turf Survival

Good luck, friend. Punch a nose or play
dead—it’s your call.
While waiting for an oil change, I

pawed through the usual grimy reading
can’t be right. There’s an old joke…
“Good news, we found bells from the
You’re Reading
material—back issues of The Taoist Pur- lost hiker. Bad news, we found them in
gatorial Review, Elephantiasis for Dum- bear poop.” I suspect other instruments
mies, and some 1999 meeting lists for might be more effective than silly bells.
Quilters Anonymous. My hand hovered Ever hear of an attack on a hiker playing
over the OSHA Hazardous Waste Guide an accordion? A tuba?? Okay, then.
until I spotted a pamphlet on survival
techniques. Survival, huh? As in run- Even when not wearing taffeta shorts,
could we be quiet enough to startle
Want to write it?
ning out of organic cat litter? Or when
your hair stylist moves to LA to work for an animal with such keen hearing and
Howie Mandel? Nope. The article by- smell? Maybe this whole bell thing is We accept humorous short stories, essays, personal experience pieces,
passed such tragedies, and focused on simply proper hiking etiquette to in- opinions, jokes, anything that makes us laugh. So, submit your stuff to:
muddling through the everyday bear or form predators that (ting-a-ling-a-ling) editor@foolishtimes.net
shark attack. dinner is served! Couldn’t hurt, though,
to slap a Sierra Club sticker on the old
Tony’s Ticklers
Experts agree that unless you’re cer- backpack, and send out thoughts of
tain the bear has gone vegan, it’s best acid reflux.
to avoid eye contact, lie face down and
play dead. A bear will target the head, so Could we protect our tasty noggins “by Tony Deakin of
we’re to cover it with our arms. Not the with the hairstyles of yesteryear? If guys The Crown & Anchor Pub
bear, our head! Ha-ha, fooled me too. slathered on that “greasy kid stuff” be- (Franklin Street’s Favorite Pub)”
fore hitting the trail, they might slide out
of a bear’s mouth, slick as a watermelon To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who
“Cover your head? Spread seed. And we ladies could tease up a
righteously bouffant 1963 ’do and hair-
don’t.
your legs? You gotta love spray the hell out of it. That’s right, think
Tootsie Pops in hiking boots. To get to
As Ben Franklin said:“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there
such twisted humor. Pause the delicious, chewy center on top, a is freedom, in water there is bacteria.”
bear must first penetrate the crunchy
now while I jot a memo: coating! In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink one liter of water each day, at
‘Wear babushka. And no Rule of thumb? The higher the bear
alert, the higher the hair. Gosh, this could the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one
more hiking in tight skirts!” work. I’ve started “high hair” hiking and kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli)—bacteria found in feces. In
so far… no attacks! But the constant other words, we are consuming one kilo of poop.
chattering in my head is irksome. Man,
They also say to spread your legs so I’m going to be really ticked if squirrels However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and
the bear will have a harder time flipping are nesting up there. beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey, or other liquor) because al-
you over. Cover your head? Spread your
legs? You gotta love such twisted humor. Sharks are different than bears in cohol has to go through a purification process of boiling,
Pause now while I jot a memo: “Wear that we HAVE found accordions in their filtering, and/or fermenting.
babushka. And no more hiking in tight stomachs. They’ll eat anything. Suppos-
edly, we can repel a shark by hitting its
skirts!”
nose. Why do I not envision the Seniors
Remember:
But we already know this stuff. Re- Water Ballet class as helpful with this Water = Poop
member the countless mornings we maneuver? No, sweetie, if thy toes tickle
were rousted from bed by Mom or Pop? the tonsils of a 20-foot Great White, I in-
Or by the head psych nurse? We played vite thee to skip the nose be-bop, and
Wine = Health
dead!! And when the teacher scanned get ugly.
the class for a fresh victim to do long Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to
division at the chalkboard? Yup. Rigor Dragged underwater, one survivor drink water and be full of crap.
mortis extraordinaire. clawed into the gills and ripped out
handfuls of shark stuffing. Then he There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
The article also advised against star- gouged out the shark’s eye! Apparently,
tling a bear. How? Wear a bell! Wait, that this is considered rude dinner behavior I’m doing it as a public service.
lone dried-up leaf on an old dead tree So that’s what the big deal is with
who just saw Ichabod Crane fly by on his Groundhog Day, PG. What, did you think
giraffe holding his own head on a silver I didn’t know the inside scoop?
platter!!
Thanks for writing, PG. Now please…
And you know why he was shaking, be a stranger.
PG? I’ll tell you why. Because what he
saw in that one short glimpse of his Will…I WILL GO FAR!!!…Fargo
own groundhog shadow was enough
to scare his poor little land beaver soul
nearly to death!!
And Special Answers But it’s all good, PG, because now he’s
forced to do what he never had the guts
ANSWERS FOR
WORD SEARCH
to Questionable Questions to do before: face his own shadow.
It’s not gonna be easy though, PG. No,
PUZZLE ON PAGE 20
+ + + + + + S + + + + G + + +
it’s gonna take a lot more shaking and a + + + + + U G + + + + N + + +
lot more deep digging and thinking (at + + + + O + N + + + O I + + +
Editor’s note: The following is a reprint ging. least six weeks’ worth, PG) before he’ll
of Will Fargo’s Bogus Advice. Will is pull- + + + R C + I + + O + R + + +
be able to come to grips with the fact
ing a Rip Van Winkle somewhere in the It was just this spark of an impulse that it was his own shadow that scared + + O + U + D + M W + E + + E
Butterfly Sanctuary in Pacific Grove and that was telling him, in a distant inner him so much, and no one else’s. + M + + C S D Y O + + T + G +
can’t be disturbed. Please, don’t go look- voice, that this was going to be the most A + O U K + E V O L + T A + +
ing for him. You’ll disturb his beard. important jailbreak of his life! But after that, PG, he’s gonna change. + + P N H N W P + O + I + R +
Oh yeah, he’s gonna change for the bet- + I Y N O M I L A I R B + E +
Dear Will, And so he dug some more and he ter and let go of all his old silly hamster-
dug some more and eventually all that ish ways of the constant William Tell D + + H L G + + + R + + C Y +
I don’t get what the big deal with digging made him bigger and stronger lopsided hero crap he’d been trumpet- + + + + D + A + A T A R B W +
Groundhog Day is. What’s so great and more powerful and after awhile he ing all day every day while zippin’ and + + + + + + + M + I O T L A +
about a groundhog, anyway? Why started looking more like a beaver than zappin’ on his little silver wheel trying to + + + + + + + + Y V + + I L +
don’t they have Giraffe Day? A giraffe a hamster. impress all the other hamsters. + + + + + + Y T I L I T S O H
is way better than a groundhog.
+ + E R I S E D + + + + S + N
And then he’ll finally realize who he
I’ve never even seen a Hallmark card
for Groundhog Day, so obviously Hall- And you know why he was really was all the time. Robin Hood!!
mark thinks it’s bogus too. Am I miss-
ing something, Will, or is Groundhog shaking, PG? I’ll tell you That’s right. You see Robin Hood is the
perfect blend of the shadow and the
Day just totally lame?
why. Because what he saw hero, PG. Think about it. Is he good, or is
he bad? You tell me. Is he Peter Pan or
Signed,
in that one short glimpse of Captain Hook? Little Red Riding Hood or
the Big Bad Wolf? FOOLISH THOUGHT
Wet Blanket… in PG
his own groundhog shadow He’s neither, PG. And neither is a
was enough to scare his groundhog after six weeks in the hole
(Hades, PG). He’s both. And he’s way bet-
Why are there
Dear Wet Blanket… in PG, interstate
poor little land beaver ter than any stupid giraffe.
Oh yeah, you’re missing something, highways in
PG. In fact, you’re missing everything! soul nearly to death!!” So the moral of the story goes like this:
If you refuse to see your own shadow Hawaii?
Groundhog Day is huge! It’s totally hip!
for what it is, and you think springtime
Did you say Hallmark, PG? What, are Although beavers don’t dig, they swim, with Bambi is just around the corner,
you some kind of Wonder Bread victim and I know that, PG. But swimming is re- then you’re in denial. And you’ll never
or something? You can’t look to the ally just another form of digging, but it’s become a complete groundhog. You’ll
mainstream for this one. It’s still way too in the water not the ground. always be a hamster who thinks he’s a
cool. beaver.
Anyway, eventually he found his way
You have to look to the symbolism, PG. to the surface outside his cage and
Groundhog Day is all about the Shadow. that’s where it starts to get heavy. Be-
And about not being a hamster any- cause that’s when he confronts his own
more. shadow and all hell breaks loose!! It
scares the crap out of him and then he
You see, a groundhog is nothing but a
hears some other inner voice (fear, PG)
grown-up hamster, who used to live in a
say, “dive, dive, dive!!”
cage and spin his little wheel like some
psycho maniac all day while blasting And so he frantically bolts back into
out the William Tell Overture over and the ground! And he swims and digs
over again without a clue. down, down, down into the deep, dark
depths of the underground in a breath-
But then one day something sparked
less panic!
him and he decided to make a break
for it. And so he started digging. And he And then he stops, PG. And he thinks.
kept digging and digging even though And he thinks and thinks. And he’s shak-
he didn’t really know why he was dig- ing, PG. Oh yeah, he’s shaking like a little
Foolish Crossword Puzzle

This Month’s
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Have some fun and learn more about our advertisers by solving this crossword puzzle. The clues are actual words that 2. family friendly service
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ON PAGE 24 or perhaps 25
15
FOOLISH THOUGHT
16 Why do we
play in recitals
and recite in plays?
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Penny started detox today. She has
Good Old Fashion
been nervously watching TV, wandering
forlornly around in the kitchen while I Family Food
do dishes, and occasionally muttering
to me about how dry her panties are. I
won’t give in.
Penny’s sugar mania was reaching
such outlandish lengths that I feared for
Black
Bear
By Sarah Flake our “sweet” five-month-old, Charlotte.
Two days ago I entered the front room
It’s all my fault. Reap what you sow, Penny has learned to scale the high- to find that Penny had dumped brown
they say. For once, “they” are right. est cabinet, plumb the deepest shelf, sugar and flour all over the baby. Could
and beguile any poor sucker in order to
Diner
We had a relatively sugar-free home get her precious candy. For the sweets it be she was preparing to eat her? I
for Penny’s first two years of life. We nev- she can’t unwrap herself, she’ll patiently hope never to know.
er served dessert after meals, snacked chew the wrapper for upwards of half We’ll not be returning to the accursed
on cheese and pretzels, and had her an hour to get at the goodies inside. I candy shop.
convinced that tofu was the most spec- find little piles of Hershey Kisses foil in
tacular food in the world. Then I began neat piles underneath the kitchen table
potty training. like mice droppings as evidence of her
clandestine activities. Sarah Flake is the author of a humor
We mothers do rash and wild things blog at hollywoodflakes.org that has
to get our kids to eliminate on demand. Yesterday she went too far. Somehow approximately 10,000 readers a month.
I performed the funky chicken dance she got inside my bathroom cabinet and
every time she used the potty because I found two boxes of my contact lenses.
knew she loved it. But my funky chicken To a two-year-old, what else could they
quickly lost its funk and left her whining have been but candy?
for more. ANSWERS FOR
She whisked the boxes to a secure FOOLISH CROSSWORD PUZZLE
My dance repertoire insufficient, I location and set at work ripping them
looked for another incentive. Candy was open. When I noticed, twenty minutes ON PAGE 23
the obvious answer. later, the eerie calm that had settled
over the apartment, I went to find what ACROSS
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Every week for the past three months, 12. COYOTESCOOP
Penny and I made a trip to the candy Her mourning period over, she was off Carmel
shop and I let her pick out her week’s to try and reach another candy stash on 12 Crossroads Center
worth of “potty candy.” Candy corns, top of her Dad’s dresser. I quickly beat
her to it and put the candy on a higher Hwy. 1 at Rio Road
Dreamy Mints, Gummy Worms, pastilles,
candied nuts, she’s tried them all. The shelf. But not before she had dashed off FOOLISH THOUGHT 831-624-9640
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she picks out a special piece after each Why is it that when you Vist Our Newest Location
Her persistence was terrible indeed.
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Now in the kitchen, she snatched the
transport something
do periodic “dry panties” checks during
sugar jar. Before I could stop her she by car, it’s called a Monterey
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And now what do we have left? A can-
At this point, I couldn’t resist—I
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dy monster. it’s called cargo?
laughed myself sick and let her have a
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372-4474
Rodriguez Russell Service Rod Dresser
2008 Littlefield’s
Irrigation
649-1328
2032 Center Office
372-1782
2066 Photo 2090 649-5641
655-4646
Ceasar’s The Golden Paton
Dan ‘Rourke
2010 Cabinet Maker 2034 Upholstery 2072 Hammer 2092 Landscaping
649-0450 372-8585 917-2818
Barry Marshall Destefano RJL
2014 Coastal Impressions 2040 W.S.G.I 2074 Construction 2096 Construction
333-0880 655-5519 648-1308
Cobb
2016 2044 Construction 2076 2102
Jon Shoemaker Pacific Etched Peninsula American
2020 Flooring 2046 Glass & Crystal 2078 Potters 2103 Granite & Marble
641-9065 373-0683 372-8867 655-9567
Value Glass Mykels
Hayward
2022 Shower 2050 Interiors 2080 Manutech
655-8794
2104 Lumber
655-9710 372-6712
McCoy Mykels Spanish Bay
Hayward
2024 Building 2056 Interiors 2080 Galleries 2106 Lumber
655-9710 372-6712 373-0554
The Golden Pacific Etched

MPA INC. Davis
2026 648-9234 2058 Hammer 2082 Design Group 2108 Glass & Crystal
372-8585 373-0683
COMMERCIAL 2032 Sunset Drive STORAGE

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2400SQFT. (831)373-1782 8 x 14
218 224
REINDOLLAR AVENUE REINDOLLAR AVENUE
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Kim’s Contours
Proforma
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384-4765 884-9970
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2-A Plumbing
2-1-B Horticultural Total My Wood
392-1271 2-2-B Supply
224-B Solutions 114 Products
J&P Vision
Marina Glass
3-A Company 3-B Auto Service
224-C Custom 118 Rainman
384-4005 Gutters
Interiors
Mural By
Peninsula
4-A Dong Sum Kim 4-B Tint 224-D Window
122 West Coast
883-8353 Design Calibration
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6-B Janitorial 224-E Construction 123 647-9517
Ornamental
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Cypress Painting
8-B 883-4243
224-F Plumbing 128 & Decorating
624-9018
Coachman Limited
7-A Corporation
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625-5363 Glass & Design
224-H Bottega 133 Icon

Design 134 Studios
COMMERCIAL
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Fool Laughs
BARBER SHOP
A couple of good jokes, with some so-so jokes thrown in to fill space.
running shoes and a sign around her farmhand who’s been with me for three Ralph replied, “I’ve been in jail.”
A guy stuck his head into a barber neck. years. I pay him $200 a week plus free
shop and asked, “How long before I can room and board. “Jail!” cried Max! “What in the world
She introduces herself as a represen- for?”
get a haircut?” tative of the weight loss company. The “The cook has been here for 18
sign reads: “If you can catch me, you can months, and I pay her $150 per week “Well,” Ralph said, “you know Sue, that
The barber looked around the shop
have me!” plus free room and board. cute little blonde waitress at the coffee
full of customers and said, “About two
hours.” shop where we get coffee sometimes?”
Without a second thought, he takes “Then there’s the half-wit who works
off after her. A few miles later, huffing about 18 hours every day and does “Yea,” said Max. “What about her?”
The guy left. and puffing, he finally gives up. about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his “Well, one day last month she got mad
A few days later the same guy stuck The same girl shows up for the next own room and board, and I buy him a at me and to get even, she charged me
his head in the door and asked, “How 4 days and the same thing happens. bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. with rape. I was so proud of what every-
long before I can get a haircut?” On the 5th day, he weighs himself and He also sleeps with my wife occasion- one would think, that when I got into
is delighted to find that he has lost 10 ally.” court, I pled guilty! And the judge took
The barber looked around at the shop pounds as promised.
and said, “About three hours.” a good look at me and gave me thirty
“That’s the guy I want to talk to—the
He calls the company and orders their days for perjury.”
half-wit,” says the agent.
The guy left. 5-day, 20-pound program. The next day
there’s a knock at the door and there
A week later the same guy stuck his stands the most stunning, beautiful, er.
“That would be me,” replied the farm- THE LESSON
head in the shop and asked, “How long sexy woman he has ever seen in his en- A teacher was giving a lesson on the
before I can get a haircut?” —submitted by Ron de Tuna circulation of the blood. Trying to make
tire life. She is wearing nothing but Ree- the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class,
bok running shoes and a sign around
The barber looked around the shop her neck that reads,“If you can catch me, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you
and said, “About an hour and half.” THIS MONTH’S SENIOR JOKE know, would run into it, and I would turn
you can have me!”
Two very elderly friends, Max and red in the face.”
The guy left. Well, he’s out the door after her like a Ralph, met in the park every day to feed
shot. The woman is in excellent shape the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and “Yes,” the class said.
The barber turned to a friend and said,
and he does his best, but no such luck. discuss world problems. One day Ralph
“Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy didn’t show up. Max didn’t think much “Then why is it that while I am stand-
and see where he goes. He keeps asking So for the next 4 days, the same rou- about it, figuring maybe he had a cold ing upright in the ordinary position the
how long he has to wait for a haircut, tine happens, with him gradually get- or something. blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
but then he doesn’t ever come back.” ting in better and better shape.
But after Ralph hadn’t shown up for A little fellow shouted, “’Cause your
A little while later, Bill returned to the Much to his delight on the 5th day a week or so, Max really got worried. He feet ain’t empty.”
shop, laughing hysterically. when he weighs himself, he discovers could not remember where Ralph lived,
that he has lost another 20 pounds as
The barber asked,“So where does that promised. He decides to go for broke so he was unable to find out what had
happened to his friend. A month passed
guy go when he leaves?” and calls the company to order the 7- and Max figured old Ralph had gone to
day, 50-pound program.
FOOLISH THOUGHT
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes, and his heavenly reward. But one day Max
said, “Your house.” “Are you sure?” asks the representative went to the Park and, lo and behold, Why isn’t
on the phone. “This is our most rigorous there sat Ralph. “ phonetic”
A PICTURE OF GOD program.”
Max was very excited and happy to spelled the
A kindergarten teacher was observ- “Absolutely,” he replies. “I haven’t felt see him and told him so. Then he said, way it sounds?
ing her classroom of children while they this good in years.” “For crying out loud, Ralph, what hap-
were drawing. She would occasionally pened to you?”
walk around to see each child’s work. The next day there’s a knock on the
As she got to one little girl who was door. When he opens it, he finds a huge,
working diligently, she asked what the muscular guy standing there wearing
drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m draw- nothing but pink running shoes and
ing God.” The teacher paused and said, a sign around his neck that reads, “If I
“But no one knows what God looks like.” catch you, you’re mine.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up
He lost 63 pounds that week.
from her drawing, the girl replied, “They
will in a minute.”
THE HALF-WIT
A man owned a small farm in Wiscon-
THE WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM sin. The Wisconsin State Wage and Hour
A guy calls a company and orders their Department claimed he was not paying
5-day, 10-pound weight loss program. proper wages to his help and sent an
agent out to interview him. “I need a list
The next day, there’s a knock on the of your employees and how much you
door and there stands before him a pay them,” demanded the agent.
voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe
dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike “Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my
Ye Olde Limerick Corner

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Miriam’s Cafe
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Displaying a new artist every month
Open 7am-7pm 7 Days a week
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There once was a fellow named Dave 615 Lighthouse Ave.
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WHOLESALE TO THE PUBLIC
No doubt this is due (831) 655-8326 Wharf #2 • Monterey
To Lawmaker Flu All the Way at the END of the Warf
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—Ron de Tuna
When honeybees grow on the vine Best Burger

We can make a different wine
And from what it was in Town
It’ll have quite a buzz
With a nose of honey so fine
—Ron de Tuna again
Nightly
I went to the dentist at three.
It was just as I feared it would be.
Specials
Open 7 days a week till 2am
He reached in my mouth Serving Lunch and Dinner 1130am-9pm
And went too far south Duffy’s Tavern
And now I am numb in my knee. 282 High Street, Mtry, CA 93940
—L R L R L R
831-644-9811
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Drop Off Available. Call For A Free Quote: 372.1082

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February 2008

The Head Fool Speaks Editor’s Note

Super Bowl ing the game so that we DON’T MISS

“Oh, right. Caller ID.” giveaway. You must

“What?” “Big mistake. I say, don’t let ‘em move

Among Us “If there are eight hundred

MONTY PYTHON T-SHIRT

Sir John Cleese surprised everyone by making an appearance. He was standing

Your Girlfriend’s Cat

The Unknown Cartoonist

Downtown Old Monterey

Helpful Hints By Jason Offutt

Adventures and feed him. I ignored him. “See, the

Foolish Animal Photos

Expose Your Biz! Help Fight This Disease!

The Legend of a Modern-Day Cowboy

February birthdays LIBRA (9/23-10/22)

Your Local Connection to Home Grown Goods:

This Could Be Your Ad.

CHIROPRACTIC MIND BODY SPIRIT

Word Search Love Story

J M Z X Y T S C U T C G D X C Thanks for taking the time to help us improve Foolish Times!

H E F D T U G N D O A N D F W Male or female (circle one)?

Y L A R C E I G W O C R W M J 15-20 21-30 31-40 41-50 51-60 61+

brought to you by... __________________________________________________________

Surf ’n Turf Survival

While waiting for an oil change, I

Foolish Crossword Puzzle

This Could Be Your Ad.

Visit Our Online Store

Shop from Home!

My Aging Valentine a poem by Stephen L. Millich

I could court you with flowers ‘til you swoon

RUSSELL SERVICE CENTER

The Golden Pacific Etched

COMMERCIAL 2032 Sunset Drive STORAGE

Commercial Crest Marina self storage

Nathan Bradley Monterey Bay

5-A 5-B Branch’s Robert Meyer JEC

224-H Bottega 133 Icon

Ye Olde Limerick Corner

When honeybees grow on the vine Best Burger

Wood Flooring Sale!

Special Square Foot Prices:

www.FloorStoreUSA.com (831) 583-9124

Tony Has Over 30 Years Experience

FREE FREE FREE 15% OFF

MICHELIN • BF GOODRICH • PIRELLI • BRIDGESTONE

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