James Terry Comm.

2110 Professor Tamra Phillips Relational Change Project 4/15/14 Overview I will attempt to show how an unwanted behavior of mine, which is not responding appropriately to questions and messages conveyed to me, affects my relationship with my wife and others. The major focus of this paper will be how I am using strategies from the text Interpersonal Communication: Relating to others and in particular enhancing responding skills, to improve my communication abilities and how it affects my relationship with my wife and others. I will analyze the strategies, constraints, implementation and the results of this process as I focus on asking appropriate questions, providing usable information, avoiding unnecessary details and being descriptive rather than evaluative to see the effects of good communication and ways that communication can affect a relationship.

Unwanted Communication Pattern I feel that I am good at listening to what others have to say, but not always quite sure how to respond to them. For an example, often I would listen to my wife and understand most of what she was saying, but found it difficult to know what questions I should ask in response to her stories or what things I should say in response to clarify what I had heard. I think this behavior can have a negative effect on me and my relationships with others because I can miss important information by not digging deeper into the conversation.

One example of this negative behavior happened when I was working for Backcountry.com. I was on the phone with a customer who was quite upset with the company for not sending the right sized shoe to her. As I was trying to figure out how to help her and solve the problem by sending the

right size shoe, this customer grew angrier by the minute and was saying things like, why isnt this problem fixed yet? and Is this how you guys do business? These outbursts became frustrating to me as the customer persisted to yell and blame me for the inconvenience. As I was searching to find an answer to the problem, I found it difficult to ask her appropriate questions, or to provide her with useable Information which could have ended the conflict in a timelier manner (Beebe, 2011, p. 139-40 & 142). The conversation got to the point where the women was just swearing at me, and demanded to speak with my manager. I kept trying to get in contact with my manager to have him handle the situation and when I finally got a hold of him I wasnt very descriptive of the situation to him and provided him with unnecessary details saying things like, This woman is impossible to deal with and She just keeps yelling and freaking out (Beebe, 2011, p. 142). I had the opportunity to hear my manager deal with the situation and come to a resolution; I heard him readdress the issue for clarification and understanding, I heard him provide her with information that was valuable to her, and ultimately I heard him explain the policies of the company and that we wouldnt be able to handle her issue if she would continue to be hostile and unwilling to listen to our resolution to the problem which was to refund her because the size she wanted was out of stock so he ended up hanging up on her because she wasnt willing to listen or cooperate (Beebe, 2011, p. 142).

Another example of the negative behavior was with my wife. While I was at school and my wife was at work we were communicating through text that we would go to the gym when she got home. Usually I am home before my wife, but on this occasion she got home earlier than normal. I was over at my parents house talking with my Dad and then I got a call from my wife asking where I was, and that she thought we were going to the gym. I told her that I would be home really fast and that we could go to the gym. When I got home she was kind of upset and said, I thought we had planned for me to come home a little earlier so we could go to the gym and make dinner before we teach the Cub Scouts. I had forgotten that the night before we had planned to go early to the gym before scouts, so I said, I am

sorry, I totally forgot about that. This statement didnt go over very well because it wasnt very considerate of me to not provide my wife with the information I would be at my parents house for a little bit after school. This situation could have been avoided if I had been more proactive at providing usable information, asking appropriate questions to clarify what time my wife wanted to go to the gym, and describing that I made a mistake and should have been better at communicating rather than just saying I am sorry (Beebe, 2011, p. 139-40 & 142).

Strategies After I had recognized that this habit was negatively effecting my communication with others I knew that I needed to implement a change in my behavior patterns. To be more engaged in the conversation and to show that I am trying to communicate and understand the other person I know that I need to contribute and add to the dialogue to make the communication more rich (Beebe, 2011, p. 139). I believe that four strategies will be crucial for me to be actively involved in a conversation with another, they are as follows: 1. Ask appropriate questions this strategy will be ideal for me to communicate effectively with others because its used after listening to another person to make sure you understand what was conveyed (Beebe, 2011, p. 139). When speakers had a listener who asked questions and made specific responses in meaningful ways, the speakers where better at telling their story they used richer details and clearer descriptions (Beebe, 2011, p. 140). After listening to my wife tell about her day and what went well or what didnt I can ask her specific and appropriate questions that not only show that I am listening, but enhance the conversation by looking for key points and asking for clarifications or parts of the story to be expounded upon so we can have better communication.

2. Provide useable information as I incorporate this strategy into my communication it allows me to collect my thoughts and think of what are the key ideas I need to relay so someone else can understand me and my message. I need to be thinking about what the other person might want to know and what details are most pertinent to them (Beebe, 2011, p. 142). I believe this strategy will be helpful for me because it will help me to focus on the most important information. 3. Avoid unnecessary details I think this strategy is not only great for enhancing communication, but can keep me from embarrassing myself we all know that person who has said too much about how nothing is going their way. As I incorporate avoiding unnecessary details into my communication it will help me to eliminate obscure details that may detract from my message (Beebe, 2011, p. 142). 4. Be descriptive rather than evaluative Simply put I could say that I am a bad communicator, but that would be an evaluation that doesnt explain why I am bad at communication. For people to understand me better I should describe my feelings, thoughts, and opinions rather than just giving a simple declaration that something is good, bad, or whatever. When I use this strategy, it will help me to explain myself and will help others to be able to ask me questions so I can clarify, thus completing the enhancing responding skills communication process.

Constraints I realize that these strategies may not be ideal for every situation and may not always work to improve the communication. Sometimes unnecessary details can make a story or experience funny, or there may not be any appropriate questions to ask and it may best to just listen in that situation. I found that as I tried to apply these strategies into my communication sometimes I would be so focused on applying the strategy that I didnt really listen to the message of the other person. Another struggle with the strategies was that when I applied a few of them at a time it made the conversation somewhat dull

and didnt allow for a deep or rich communication to proceed. Also I noticed that at times I didnt provide enough details and missed some key information to share with others. I think it can be said that sometimes as humans our intentions to apply the communication techniques fail, and they can fail miserably. Sometimes we can get so caught up in the procedure and strategies and processes of communication that we lose sight of the main goal of communication, which is really connecting with the other individual.

Implementation As I implemented the enhancing responding skills strategies into my communication with others I noticed quite immediately that it was making a positive difference in my conversations. For the majority of the time as I applied the methods I was able to gain more vital information from the other persons message; which I may have never learned had I not used the procedures. Using my new found skills to combat my bad behavior, I would strive to use at least one strategy in each conversation I was engaged in. Incorporating the strategies into my conversations with my wife was definitely helpful for me to change my habits because she was supportive of me and my efforts to correct the error. One example was a few weeks ago on her fathers birthday who had recently passed away a month earlier. I knew that it was a really hard day for her. I knew that she wanted to be able to go up and be with her family in Idaho, as it was a difficult day for them all. But she was unable to due to previous work commitments. Asking appropriate questions was huge in helping us both make it through the day. Most often I dont like it when my wife is sad and I just want to fix it or tell her that it will be okay, but that usually only seems to upset her more. As I asked her questions about memories of her father and things they had done to celebrate his birthday in the past and listened to her responses, it didnt change the fact that the day was hard, or that she missed her dad, but it did change how she responded to me

in that we were able to remember happy times and unite in the sadness and the heartbreak of not being able to create more memories with her father (Beebe, 2011, p. 139 & 140). Another instance where I was able to implement the strategies into my communication was while I was taking my car to get fixed. I took my car to the dealership to have a noise that was beginning to be a problem fixed. Before leaving the car I made sure that I asked them appropriate questions to see if what was going on would be covered by the warranty, and the dealership assured me that it was my driveline that needed to be replaced and it would be covered (Beebe, 2011, p. 140). Well long story short the dealership called me and said that their insurer was going to deny covering the cost to replace the driveline without really saying why, but that they were denying it and that it would be nearly $800 to fix it. Honestly I was pretty upset to hear this news, especially when I asked and made sure that this would be covered by the warranty. To add salt to the open wound, the dealership was lending me a rental car while my car was waiting to be fixed and because the insurance company would not pay for the replacement of the part they wouldnt pay for the rental either, which would be another $250 added to the $800. So even if I were to take my business elsewhere I would still have to pay for the rental. I was in between a rock and a hard place. I talked with the salesmen and the service team about trying to negotiate some deal for the misleading information which they provided me with and the only thing they offered was to take away the cost of the rental car. This sounded like something, but still not really good enough. I told the dealership that I wanted to think about what to do for a little bit and they said that would be fine. After I had relayed this information from the previous day to my wife by providing her with useable information and avoiding unnecessary details she completely understood my frustration and knew how ridiculous this was (Beebe, 2011, p. 140 & 142). My wife is so smart; she said that we should go in together and not yell or make a scene, but say, Hey, you know we were told this information, that this component would be covered and then we find out a few days later that its not going to be

covered. This makes us feel like we have been misled and maybe there was a miscommunication, but we would really like to work with someone and try to get this issue resolved in a more professional manor. So I did just that, we went in and expressed this concern to the service department manager, he took us to one of the financial representatives and he told us that he agreed with us that this situation was dealt with very inappropriately. The financial Rep. pulled up my record, which had the warranty info on it, and specifically stated that the component should be covered; he told us that he would take this information to the owner of the dealership and would get us taken care of. This experience was definitely difficult, but as I communicated, responded, and listened with my wife; this situation was able to go smoothly and not out of control.

Results I found that there were lots of positive consequences that came from the application of the strategies. A positive consequence I learned of quickly while applying the strategies was that I was able to be more present and aware of the situation and conversation I was in; which allowed me to clarify, respond to information, and be more other oriented. The use of the strategies helped me to look for ways to contribute to the message and for the most part helped to enrich the communication. Another positive consequence I experienced was accomplishing my goal to be closer to my wife. Through the use of the strategies I became more attentive to my wife and her needs, and recognized that the greatest fulfillment came when I made her feel like I really cared about her and what she had to say. I do care about my wife and am so glad that I was able to learn, practice, and internalize these enhancing responding skills to my communication. Surprisingly I didnt really see any negative consequences come from the use of the strategies other than when I may have used them incorrectly or tried to apply multiple at the same time. All in all the enhancing responding skills techniques were very effective.

Recommendations My plan is to continue the use of the enhancing responding skills techniques to my communication, because as I have previously stated the strategies have helped me to become more involved in the communication with others and to be mindful of them and their needs. The only modifications I would make to my strategies would be to use them more in learning environments like school or work, because I had mostly been applying the strategies with family, friends, and smaller individual settings. I think as I expand my strategies to larger settings I will be able to learn and gather more necessary information needed, because I will be looking for clarification and understanding in the skills and trades I am developing (Beebe, 2011, p. 139-40 &142). Another theory that I want to incorporate into my communication would be providing confirming responses, I think this strategy is an excellent way to help other people find value in themselves and their capabilities (Beebe, 2011, p. 146-47). I want other people to recognize that they are important and compliment them for the good things they are doing; I love to look for the good in others and want to help them improve. As I apply these strategies I believe that I will become a better communicator and will be able to help others express themselves also. Works Cited Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond. (2011). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others. Boston: Pearson Education/ Allyn & Bacon.