Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Harley M Storey
Paradigms Ltd
Dear Coach
Here are your free coaching tools from our eBook 101 Tools Life Coaches Use.
I hope you will find them interesting, challenging and fun!
Please dont assume that the short tools are insignificant, they are just as useful as the
more extensive tools.
To make them easy to understand and use, each tool opens with a brief introduction and
explanation in blue italics.
The Table of Contents below contains active links so you can go straight to the tool by
clicking its name.
Also dont forget about the excellent free Life Priorities Tool available at
http://www.life-coach-tools.com/free_life_coaching_tools.html
If you have any feedback, comments or suggestions, I'd love to hear them, please email me at
harley@life-coach-tools.com
Kind regards
Harley M Storey
www.life-coach-tools.com
1999-2007 Paradigms Ltd
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
20 COACHING TOOLS.......................................................................................................5
1. Your Super Self!
10
11
13
14
15
18
20
21
23
25
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RELATIONSHIP TOOLS...................................................................................................26
18. My Dream Partner
27
28
29
31
33
23. Partner Communication Quiz: How well do you know your partner?
24. When you I feel
35
TOOLS IN A TOOLS
34
36
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20 COACHING TOOLS
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1.
2.
3.
Moving forward
How would you feel if you could significantly move forward in these 2 areas?
1.
2.
4.
Action
What could you do to start moving forward in these areas?
1.
2.
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Step 1
When under pressure I ..
I often feel guilty about .
When . happens I stress out and feel like .
My Achilles heel (greatest weakness) is .
I am always trying to stop ... from happening.
When the unexpected happens I ..
I always try to ..
The biggest obstacle that stops me loving and approving of myself is .
What drives most of my behavior is .
I am afraid of ..
I seek my s approval (always / mostly / usually / occasionally)
My most frequent negative / uncomfortable emotion is feeling .
The feeling I dislike the most is .
I need to learn to ..
Congratulations that took courage!
Step 2
Now you have identified your false beliefs, go back and re-do the exercise writing how you would
like to be. For example:
When under pressure I panic
to
When under pressure I think about the situation calmly and ask for support.
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Life Roles
ME
Partner
Mother
Life Coach
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Conflict Tool
A handy tool if you are having issues with someone
write down what they are doing that causes the problem
then write how you contribute to the problem
ask yourself, What can I do to stop things escalating?
What is my responsibility here?
What steps can I take to help resolve this problem or restore this relationship?
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Decisions Tool
Have trouble making decisions?
Do you make a decision and then change your mind?
Are you always second-guessing yourself?
Do you feel like the stakes are much higher than they actually are?
Feel like you are a failure at making decisions?
Try this Decisions Tool!
Make a list of the big decisions you have made and stuck to.
How did they work out?
Calculate approximately how many decisions you make every day.
Is there such a thing as a wrong decision?
If there is such a thing as a wrong decision, what happens if you make one?
Do you still feel like you are a failure at making decisions or is it rather easy?
Is making a decision really such a big deal?
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Do A Stress Inventory
If you are feeling a bit low but cant put your finger on why, a stress inventory is a great way to get an idea of
what you have on your emotional plate.
Feeling a bit flat and run down?
Feeling unmotivated?
What have you been dealing with on an emotional and mental level over the last 2 years?
Draw up a page with 3 columns for the Event, the Date it occurred, and its Score
Event
Date
Score
/10
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Sadness
Feelings of sadness actually signal the end of the grieving process. Sadness is a very positive
emotion, it means we are beginning to actually feel the loss and come to terms with it.
We start to feel profound sadness that Gran is gone.
We may wish to end this stage and to move on as quickly as possible, but at such times it is good
to recall the medical maxim, Patients need patience.
Acceptance
The final stage in the first cycle of grief is acceptance, and represents that the healing is complete.
We are starting to incorporate into our life and our thinking, the knowledge that our Gran is gone and
is not coming back.
Awareness of the stages of grief can help us to give ourselves permission to grieve and heal. It can
also increase our emotional competence because we are better able to identify what we are feeling
and why.
In addition to the above 5 Cycles of Grief there are also the phenomenons of Transference and the
Theory of 7 Cycles.
Transference
If we have not fully felt our loss, or if the loss is especially significant, we will probably experience
some degree of transference where when we grieve over one event we are actually feeling the grief
over something else.
Using the example above, our grandmother may pass and we dont feel much emotion but when our
beloved unexpectedly dies we experience profound loss and feelings out of proportion to the event.
This is a clue that what we are really dealing with is mainly not our cats passing, but our unfelt
feelings over our grandmother.
7 Year Cycles
The phenomenon of the 7-Year Cycle will follow any significant loss and is dealt with in a separate
tool 7 Cycle Theory. (part of 101 Tools Life Coaches Use available from
www.life-coach-tools.com )
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Am I a Failure checklist?
This checklist will help you decide if you are a certified failure! It is also an example of the way
coaching offers new thoughts and perspectives.
Do you feel like a failure?
Does feeling like a failure mean that you are a failure?
Can you learn without failing?
Does failing at something you do, make you a failure as a person?
Can you think of anyone who has never failed at anything?
Did you try and fail?
If you have tried and failed (ie. the outcome was not what you expected) does that mean
you have tried and failed at something or
does that mean you're a failure as a person?
Arent you a hero rather than a failure?
Do you agree with the statement A hero is someone who rides out to battle, is defeated and
returns home victorious?
Success is going from failure to failure without loss in enthusiasm.
Sir Winston Churchill
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Fun exercise
Scenario: Imagine there is a hungry mosquito in the room whilst you are trying to sleep.
Think of at least 20 possible responses*
when you've finished, read another possibility at the bottom of this page!
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RELATIONSHIP TOOLS
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My Dream Partner
This tool helps you imagine the qualities of your dream partner. By making a quiz about your dream
partner you can create a clear picture of them in their mind. Then, when you meet them you will
be able to recognize them straight away!
"How does he make me feel special?"
"What does she do when I'm sick in bed?"
"How does he show affection?"
"How does he treat me in company when we go out?"
"How does he make me laugh?"
"Her most important quality is
"The best thing about him is
When you have finished, make a list of the qualities you would like in a future partner.
Then write down the qualities you will bring to the relationship.
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Reflective listening
Your communication is only as good as your understanding of the person you're
communicating with. Dr Tony Alessandra
Verbal communication is inherently inaccurate means for the transfer of information and is a skill we
have to learn and develop. This tool is designed to enhance and facilitate communication between
couples.
Excellent communication is a very important life skill because by hearing the other persons point of
view and in turn feeling heard yourself, means that half of the problem is resolved, because both sides
feel heard and validated.
If you see a guy and a girl together, chances are the girl will be talking and the guy will be listening as
on average women speak thousands more words a day than men!
However, neither gender is particularly good at communicating often men just dont speak, and
woman talk a lot but dont always communicate what they really feel.
create some quiet space together with your partner
listen to them without interruption or judgement
when they have finished, reflect back to them what you heard them say
ask them if you heard them correctly
repeat the process with them listening and reflecting what you say
If you are interested in couples communication tools, Dr. Harville Hendricks has written some great
books on this subject including Getting the Love You Want
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Relationship Cycles
The exercise is used to identity patterns in relationships and to help determine if any current
relationship issues have their origins in earlier relationships.
This tool can also be used to see how, when and where relationships ended or broke down and to
help identity any patterns.
Draw up a blank piece of paper with 4 columns:
Name
Relationship
Significant Features
Clues / Patterns
If you wish to examine potential patterns in Male Relationships, start with your most significant
early male relationship usually your Father, or Father figure - and proceed from there.
If dealing with Female Relationships start with your most significant early female relationship
usually your Mother and proceed from there to Grandmothers, Aunts, etc.
Under the Name column write their name. If a parent or relative use their name and under
relationship denote their relationship to you. eg. Patricia Mother.
List them in chronological order, from the earliest relationship to the latest from your partner to
your child for example.
Under Relationships column write their relationship to you.
Under Significant Features write your associations about the relationship. Go on feel here and try
and work from the heart not the head.
Under Clues / Patterns are there any patterns between the relationships similarities or opposites?
Does anything stand out? Any significant associations between relationships and people?
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Name
Relationship
Significant Features
Clues / Patterns
Emotionally Unavailable
Distant
Very Quiet
Generous
Big Spender
xx
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Dad/Mum
st
1 Significant
Partner
Clues /
Patterns
Leave the Qualities column for now, and start with the Dad/Mum column.
If you wish to examine the qualities in a Male Partner, label the Dad/Mum column Dad, and/or name
an early male Father figure.
If you wish to examine the qualities in a Female Partner, label the Dad/Mum column Mum, and/or
name an early male Mother figure
Under the 1st Significant Partner column write the name of your first significant partner.
Complete the columns from left to right, from the 1st Significant Partner to the last. You dont want
any more than 7 or 8, but you can repeat the exercise later with as many as you wish.
Lastly, add in your Potential New Partner if you are thinking of one.
After you have written the names of your Partners, under the Qualities column write down:
a) the qualities you would like in a partner
b) character traits that appeal to you
c) the things you liked about previous partners
the sum of these qualities represents your ultimate Dream Partner.
d) finally, add in the significant personality traits of your Father, if you wish to examine Male
Partners, or your Mother if you are looking at Female Relationships.
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Now mark your partners off and see how they score.
How does your Potential New Partner stack up?
Qualities Dad Jerry Bob Mike Peter
Quiet
Kind x x x x
Polite
Funny x x x
Handsome
Wealthy x
opposite
Felt Safe
Points
Clues?
kindness is
important to me
not so important
x
x
x
soh is good
do I like Angry
men? like Dad?
xx
Dads
qualities
Angry x x x
Comments
Tim
(New Guy)
x
x
x
3
5
Bob a
lot like
Dad
.
Under Clues / Patterns are there any patterns between the partners? Any positive or negative
qualities which surprised you?
Look for similarities or opposites as a response to your Parental figure. For example, if your Father
was angry, you may be attracted to angry men or seek the opposite very patient and easy-going
partners.
This Example suggests that this person
has previously chosen a partner (Bob) that was very like her Father
that her last relationship (Peter) was perhaps a poor choice
that the potential new guy (Tim) looks like a pretty good candidate at this stage!
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Relationship circle
This tool helps clarify your relationships with the people in their life. It can be as simple as just writing
the names of those you have a significant relationship with and drawing a line representing the depth
of the relationship, or you can continue with the exercise until it is as detailed as the example below.
Draw a large circle
Write your name in the middle
Around the circle write the names of people you have a significant relationship with, or anyone
who comes to mind. Include Partner, Exs, Children, Mother, Father, Siblings, Grandparents,
Significant Relatives, Close Friends, In-laws!, Work Colleagues, etc. present or passed.
After you have finished
Draw a line from you to the persons name. The longer the line the closer the relationship.
Go around and write one word you associate with each person as things are now
Write next to their name and your word association a colour that comes to mind.
How about adding yourself?
Look at the order you wrote the names in. Anything interesting about who you wrote first or
last?
Is there anyone significant you have inadvertently missed? In-laws, family, exs?
Add a for those people who contribute positively to your life or a / for those who are
currently take more than they give (this may be for valid reasons, eg. illness, divorce)
When you have finished pick the top 2 people you would like to move issues ahead with
Ask yourself what action you can take, eg. A phone call, a letter, a visit, etc.
Revisit the exercise whenever you feel the need to!
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I want __________________________
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Personal Values Tool
What personal values make you who you are? This profound and life-changing tool
reveals the values you hold.
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