Catch-22

Joseph Heller
Copyright Joseph Heller, 1955, 1961
The island of Pianosa lies in the Mediterranean Sea eight miles south of
l!a" #t is $ery small and o!$iously %ould not a%%ommodate all of the
a%tions des%ri!ed" &i'e the setting of this no$el, the %hara%ters, too, are
fi%titious"
T( M) M(TH*
+,- T( SH#*&),
+,- M) CH#&-*,,
*#C+ +,- T-
The Texan
#t .as lo$e at first sight"
The first time )ossarian sa. the %haplain he fell madly in lo$e .ith him"
)ossarian .as in the hospital .ith a pain in his li$er that fell /ust short of
!eing /aundi%e" The do%tors .ere pu00led !y the fa%t that it .asn1t 2uite
/aundi%e" #f it !e%ame /aundi%e they %ould treat it" #f it didn1t !e%ome
/aundi%e and .ent a.ay they %ould dis%harge him" 3ut this /ust !eing short
of /aundi%e all the time %onfused them"
a%h morning they %ame around, three !ris' and serious men .ith effi%ient
mouths and ineffi%ient eyes, a%%ompanied !y !ris' and serious ,urse
-u%'ett, one of the .ard nurses .ho didn1t li'e )ossarian" They read the
%hart at the foot of the !ed and as'ed impatiently a!out the pain" They
seemed irritated .hen he told them it .as e4a%tly the same"
1Still no mo$ement51 the full %olonel demanded"
The do%tors e4%hanged a loo' .hen he shoo' his head"
16i$e him another pill"1
,urse -u%'ett made a note to gi$e )ossarian another pill, and the four of
them mo$ed along to the ne4t !ed" ,one of the nurses li'ed )ossarian"
+%tually, the pain in his li$er had gone a.ay, !ut )ossarian didn1t say
anything and the do%tors ne$er suspe%ted" They /ust suspe%ted that he had
!een mo$ing his !o.els and not telling anyone"
)ossarian had e$erything he .anted in the hospital" The food .asn1t too
!ad, and his meals .ere !rought to him in !ed" There .ere e4tra rations of
fresh meat, and during the hot part of the afternoon he and the others .ere
ser$ed %hilled fruit /ui%e or %hilled %ho%olate mil'" +part from the do%tors
and the nurses, no one e$er distur!ed him" 7or a little .hile in the morning
he had to %ensor letters, !ut he .as free after that to spend the rest of ea%h
day lying around idly .ith a %lear %ons%ien%e" He .as %omforta!le in the
hospital, and it .as easy to stay on !e%ause he al.ays ran a temperature
of 181" He .as e$en more %omforta!le than -un!ar, .ho had to 'eep
falling do.n on his fa%e in order to get his meals !rought to him in !ed"
+fter he had made up his mind to spend the rest of the .ar in the hospital,
)ossarian .rote letters to e$eryone he 'ne. saying that he .as in the
hospital !ut ne$er mentioning .hy" (ne day he had a !etter idea" To
e$eryone he 'ne. he .rote that he .as going on a $ery dangerous
mission" 1They as'ed for $olunteers" #t1s $ery dangerous, !ut someone has
to do it" #1ll .rite you the instant # get !a%'"1 +nd he had not .ritten anyone
sin%e"
+ll the offi%er patients in the .ard .ere for%ed to %ensor letters .ritten !y all
the enlisted9men patients, .ho .ere 'ept in residen%e in .ards of their o.n"
#t .as a monotonous /o!, and )ossarian .as disappointed to learn that the
li$es of enlisted men .ere only slightly more interesting than the li$es of
offi%ers" +fter the first day he had no %uriosity at all" To !rea' the monotony
he in$ented games" -eath to all modifiers, he de%lared one day, and out of
e$ery letter that passed through his hands .ent e$ery ad$er! and e$ery
ad/e%ti$e" The ne4t day he made .ar on arti%les" He rea%hed a mu%h higher
plane of %reati$ity the follo.ing day .hen he !la%'ed out e$erything in the
letters !ut a, an and the. That ere%ted more dynami% intralinear tensions, he
felt, and in /ust a!out e$ery %ase left a message far more uni$ersal" Soon
he .as pros%ri!ing parts of salutations and signatures and lea$ing the te4t
untou%hed" (ne time he !la%'ed out all !ut the salutation 1-ear Mary1 from
a letter, and at the !ottom he .rote, 1# yearn for you tragi%ally" *" ("
Shipman, Chaplain, :"S" +rmy"1 *"(" Shipman .as the group %haplain1s
name"
;hen he had e4hausted all possi!ilities in the letters, he !egan atta%'ing
the names and addresses on the en$elopes, o!literating .hole homes and
streets, annihilating entire metropolises .ith %areless fli%'s of his .rist as
though he .ere 6od" Cat%h9<< re2uired that ea%h %ensored letter !ear the
%ensoring offi%er1s name" Most letters he didn1t read at all" (n those he
didn1t read at all he .rote his o.n name" (n those he did read he .rote,
1;ashington #r$ing"1 ;hen that gre. monotonous he .rote, 1#r$ing
;ashington"1 Censoring the en$elopes had serious reper%ussions,
produ%ed a ripple of an4iety on some ethereal military e%helon that floated a
C"#"-" man !a%' into the .ard posing as a patient" They all 'ne. he .as a
C"#"-" man !e%ause he 'ept in2uiring a!out an offi%er named #r$ing or
;ashington and !e%ause after his first day there he .ouldn1t %ensor letters"
He found them too monotonous"
#t .as a good .ard this time, one of the !est he and -un!ar had e$er
en/oyed" ;ith them this time .as the t.enty9four9year9old fighter9pilot
%aptain .ith the sparse golden musta%he .ho had !een shot into the
+driati% Sea in mid.inter and not e$en %aught %old" ,o. the summer .as
upon them, the %aptain had not !een shot do.n, and he said he had the
grippe" #n the !ed on )ossarian1s right, still lying amorously on his !elly,
.as the startled %aptain .ith malaria in his !lood and a mos2uito !ite on his
ass" +%ross the aisle from )ossarian .as -un!ar, and ne4t to -un!ar .as
the artillery %aptain .ith .hom )ossarian had stopped playing %hess" The
%aptain .as a good %hess player, and the games .ere al.ays interesting"
)ossarian had stopped playing %hess .ith him !e%ause the games .ere so
interesting they .ere foolish" Then there .as the edu%ated Te4an from
Te4as .ho loo'ed li'e someone in Te%hni%olor and felt, patrioti%ally, that
people of means = de%ent fol' = should !e gi$en more $otes than drifters,
.hores, %riminals, degenerates, atheists and inde%ent fol' = people
.ithout means"
)ossarian .as unspringing rhythms in the letters the day they !rought the
Te4an in" #t .as another 2uiet, hot, untrou!led day" The heat pressed
hea$ily on the roof, stifling sound" -un!ar .as lying motionless on his !a%'
again .ith his eyes staring up at the %eiling li'e a doll1s" He .as .or'ing
hard at in%reasing his life span" He did it !y %ulti$ating !oredom" -un!ar
.as .or'ing so hard at in%reasing his life span that )ossarian thought he
.as dead" They put the Te4an in a !ed in the middle of the .ard, and it
.asn1t long !efore he donated his $ie.s"
-un!ar sat up li'e a shot" 1That1s it,1 he %ried e4%itedly" 1There .as
something missing = all the time # 'ne. there .as something missing =
and no. # 'no. .hat it is"1 He !anged his fist do.n into his palm" 1,o
patriotism,1 he de%lared"
1)ou1re right,1 )ossarian shouted !a%'" 1)ou1re right, you1re right, you1re
right" The hot dog, the 3roo'lyn -odgers" Mom1s apple pie" That1s .hat
e$eryone1s fighting for" 3ut .ho1s fighting for the de%ent fol'5 ;ho1s fighting
for more $otes for the de%ent fol'5 There1s no patriotism, that1s .hat it is"
+nd no matriotism, either"1
The .arrant offi%er on )ossarian1s left .as unimpressed" 1;ho gi$es a
shit51 he as'ed tiredly, and turned o$er on his side to go to sleep"
The Te4an turned out to !e good9natured, generous and li'a!le" #n three
days no one %ould stand him"
He sent shudders of annoyan%e s%ampering up ti%'lish spines, and
e$ery!ody fled from him = e$ery!ody !ut the soldier in .hite, .ho had no
%hoi%e" The soldier in .hite .as en%ased from head to toe in plaster and
gau0e" He had t.o useless legs and t.o useless arms" He had !een
smuggled into the .ard during the night, and the men had no idea he .as
among them until they a.o'e in the morning and sa. the t.o strange legs
hoisted from the hips, the t.o strange arms an%hored up perpendi%ularly,
all four lim!s pinioned strangely in air !y lead .eights suspended dar'ly
a!o$e him that ne$er mo$ed" Se.n into the !andages o$er the insides of
!oth el!o.s .ere 0ippered lips through .hi%h he .as fed %lear fluid from a
%lear /ar" + silent 0in% pipe rose from the %ement on his groin and .as
%oupled to a slim ru!!er hose that %arried .aste from his 'idneys and
dripped it effi%iently into a %lear, stoppered /ar on the floor" ;hen the /ar on
the floor .as full, the /ar feeding his el!o. .as empty, and the t.o .ere
simply s.it%hed 2ui%'ly so that the stuff %ould drip !a%' into him" +ll they
e$er really sa. of the soldier in .hite .as a frayed !la%' hole o$er his
mouth"
The soldier in .hite had !een filed ne4t to the Te4an, and the Te4an sat
side.ays on his o.n !ed and tal'ed to him throughout the morning,
afternoon and e$ening in a pleasant, sympatheti% dra.l" The Te4an ne$er
minded that he got no reply"
Temperatures .ere ta'en t.i%e a day in the .ard" arly ea%h morning and
late ea%h afternoon ,urse Cramer entered .ith a /ar full of thermometers
and .or'ed her .ay up one side of the .ard and do.n the other,
distri!uting a thermometer to ea%h patient" She managed the soldier in
.hite !y inserting a thermometer into the hole o$er his mouth and lea$ing it
!alan%ed there on the lo.er rim" ;hen she returned to the man in the first
!ed, she too' his thermometer and re%orded his temperature, and then
mo$ed on to the ne4t !ed and %ontinued around the .ard again" (ne
afternoon .hen she had %ompleted her first %ir%uit of the .ard and %ame a
se%ond time to the soldier in .hite, she read his thermometer and
dis%o$ered that he .as dead"
1Murderer,1 -un!ar said 2uietly"
The Te4an loo'ed up at him .ith an un%ertain grin"
1>iller,1 )ossarian said"
;hat are you fellas tal'in1 a!out51 the Te4an as'ed ner$ously"
1)ou murdered him,1 said -un!ar"
1)ou 'illed him,1 said )ossarian"
The Te4an shran' !a%'" 1)ou fellas are %ra0y" # didn1t e$en tou%h him"1
1)ou murdered him,1 said -un!ar"
1# heard you 'ill him,1 said )ossarian"
1)ou 'illed him !e%ause he .as a nigger,1 -un!ar said"
1)ou fellas are %ra0y,1 the Te4an %ried" 1They don1t allo. niggers in here"
They got a spe%ial pla%e for niggers"1
1The sergeant smuggled him in,1 -un!ar said"
1The Communist sergeant,1 said )ossarian"
1+nd you 'ne. it"1
The .arrant offi%er on )ossarian1s left .as unimpressed !y the entire
in%ident of the soldier in .hite" The .arrant offi%er .as unimpressed !y
e$erything and ne$er spo'e at all unless it .as to sho. irritation"
The day !efore )ossarian met the %haplain, a sto$e e4ploded in the mess
hall and set fire to one side of the 'it%hen" +n intense heat flashed through
the area" $en in )ossarian1s .ard, almost three hundred feet a.ay, they
%ould hear the roar of the !la0e and the sharp %ra%'s of flaming tim!er"
Smo'e sped past the orange9tinted .indo.s" #n a!out fifteen minutes the
%rash tru%'s from the airfield arri$ed to fight the fire" 7or a franti% half hour it
.as tou%h and go" Then the firemen !egan to get the upper hand" Suddenly
there .as the monotonous old drone of !om!ers returning from a mission,
and the firemen had to roll up their hoses and speed !a%' to the field in
%ase one of the planes %rashed and %aught fire" The planes landed safely"
+s soon as the last one .as do.n, the firemen .heeled their tru%'s around
and ra%ed !a%' up the hill to resume their fight .ith the fire at the hospital"
;hen they got there, the !la0e .as out" #t had died of its o.n a%%ord,
e4pired %ompletely .ithout e$en an em!er to !e .atered do.n, and there
.as nothing for the disappointed firemen to do !ut drin' tepid %offee and
hang around trying to s%re. the nurses"
The %haplain arri$ed the day after the fire" )ossarian .as !usy e4purgating
all !ut roman%e .ords from the letters .hen the %haplain sat do.n in a
%hair !et.een the !eds and as'ed him ho. he .as feeling" He had pla%ed
himself a !it to one side, and the %aptain1s !ars on the ta! of his shirt %ollar
.ere all the insignia )ossarian %ould see" )ossarian had no idea .ho he
.as and /ust too' it for granted that he .as either another do%tor or another
madman"
1(h, pretty good,1 he ans.ered" 1#1$e got a slight pain in my li$er and #
ha$en1t !een the most regular of fello.s, # guess, !ut all in all # must admit
that # feel pretty good"1
1That1s good,1 said the %haplain"
1)es,1 )ossarian said" 1)es, that is good"1
1# meant to %ome around sooner,1 the %haplain said, 1!ut # really ha$en1t
!een .ell"1
1That1s too !ad,1 )ossarian said"
1Just a head %old,1 the %haplain added 2ui%'ly"
1#1$e got a fe$er of a hundred and one,1 )ossarian added /ust as 2ui%'ly"
1That1s too !ad,1 said the %haplain"
1)es,1 )ossarian agreed" 1)es, that is too !ad"1
The %haplain fidgeted" 1#s there anything # %an do for you51 he as'ed after a
.hile"
1,o, no"1 )ossarian sighed" 1The do%tors are doing all that1s humanly
possi!le, # suppose"1
1,o, no"1 The %haplain %olored faintly" 1# didn1t mean anything li'e that" #
meant %igarettes? or !oo's? or? toys"1
1,o, no,1 )ossarian said" 1Than' you" # ha$e e$erything # need, # suppose =
e$erything !ut good health"1
1That1s too !ad"1
1)es,1 )ossarian said" 1)es, that is too !ad"1
The %haplain stirred again" He loo'ed from side to side a fe. times, then
ga0ed up at the %eiling, then do.n at the floor" He dre. a deep !reath"
1&ieutenant ,ately sends his regards,1 he said"
)ossarian .as sorry to hear they had a mutual friend" #t seemed there .as
a !asis to their %on$ersation after all" 1)ou 'no. &ieutenant ,ately51 he
as'ed regretfully"
1)es, # 'no. &ieutenant ,ately 2uite .ell"1
1He1s a !it loony, isn1t he51
The %haplain1s smile .as em!arrassed" 1#1m afraid # %ouldn1t say" # don1t
thin' # 'no. him that .ell"1
1)ou %an ta'e my .ord for it,1 )ossarian said" 1He1s as goofy as they %ome"1
The %haplain .eighed the ne4t silen%e hea$ily and then shattered it .ith an
a!rupt 2uestion" 1)ou are Captain )ossarian, aren1t you51
1,ately had a !ad start" He %ame from a good family"1
1Please e4%use me,1 the %haplain persisted timorously" 1# may !e %ommitting
a $ery gra$e error" +re you Captain )ossarian51
1)es,1 Captain )ossarian %onfessed" 1# am Captain )ossarian"1
1(f the <56th S2uadron51
1(f the fighting <56th S2uadron,1 )ossarian replied" 1# didn1t 'no. there .ere
any other Captain )ossarians" +s far as # 'no., #1m the only Captain
)ossarian # 'no., !ut that1s only as far as # 'no."1
1# see,1 the %haplain said unhappily"
1That1s t.o to the fighting eighth po.er,1 )ossarian pointed out, 1if you1re
thin'ing of .riting a sym!oli% poem a!out our s2uadron"1
1,o,1 mum!led the %haplain" 1#1m not thin'ing of .riting a sym!oli% poem
a!out your s2uadron"1
)ossarian straightened sharply .hen he spied the tiny sil$er %ross on the
other side of the %haplain1s %ollar" He .as thoroughly astonished, for he had
ne$er really tal'ed .ith a %haplain !efore"
1)ou1re a %haplain,1 he e4%laimed e%stati%ally" 1# didn1t 'no. you .ere a
%haplain"1
1;hy, yes,1 the %haplain ans.ered" 1-idn1t you 'no. # .as a %haplain51
1;hy, no" # didn1t 'no. you .ere a %haplain"1 )ossarian stared at him .ith a
!ig, fas%inated grin" 1#1$e ne$er really seen a %haplain !efore"1
The %haplain flushed again and ga0ed do.n at his hands" He .as a slight
man of a!out thirty9t.o .ith tan hair and !ro.n diffident eyes" His fa%e .as
narro. and rather pale" +n inno%ent nest of an%ient pimple pri%'s lay in the
!asin of ea%h %hee'" )ossarian .anted to help him"
1Can # do anything at all to help you51 the %haplain as'ed"
)ossarian shoo' his head, still grinning" 1,o, #1m sorry" # ha$e e$erything #
need and #1m 2uite %omforta!le" #n fa%t, #1m not e$en si%'"1
1That1s good"1 +s soon as the %haplain said the .ords, he .as sorry and
sho$ed his 'nu%'les into his mouth .ith a giggle of alarm, !ut )ossarian
remained silent and disappointed him" 1There are other men in the group #
must $isit,1 he apologi0ed finally" 1#1ll %ome to see you again, pro!a!ly
tomorro."1
1Please do that,1 )ossarian said"
1#1ll %ome only if you .ant me to,1 the %haplain said, lo.ering his head shyly"
1#1$e noti%ed that # ma'e many of the men un%omforta!le"1
)ossarian glo.ed .ith affe%tion" 1# .ant you to,1 he said" 1)ou .on1t ma'e
me un%omforta!le"1
The %haplain !eamed gratefully and then peered do.n at a slip of paper he
had !een %on%ealing in his hand all the .hile" He %ounted along the !eds in
the .ard, mo$ing his lips, and then %entered his attention du!iously on
-un!ar"
1May # in2uire,1 he .hispered softly, 1if that is &ieutenant -un!ar51
1)es,1 )ossarian ans.ered loudly, 1that is &ieutenant -un!ar"1
1Than' you,1 the %haplain .hispered" 1Than' you $ery mu%h" # must $isit .ith
him" # must $isit .ith e$ery mem!er of the group .ho is in the hospital"1
1$en those in other .ards51 )ossarian as'ed"
1$en those in other .ards"1
13e %areful in those other .ards, 7ather,1 )ossarian .arned" 1That1s .here
they 'eep the mental %ases" They1re filled .ith lunati%s"1
1#t isn1t ne%essary to %all me 7ather,1 the %haplain e4plained" 1#1m an
+na!aptist"1
1#1m dead serious a!out those other .ards,1 )ossarian %ontinued grimly"
1M"P"s .on1t prote%t you, !e%ause they1re %ra0iest of all" #1d go .ith you
myself, !ut #1m s%ared stiff@ #nsanity is %ontagious" This is the only sane
.ard in the .hole hospital" $ery!ody is %ra0y !ut us" This is pro!a!ly the
only sane .ard in the .hole .orld, for that matter"1
The %haplain rose 2ui%'ly and edged a.ay from )ossarian1s !ed, and then
nodded .ith a %on%iliating smile and promised to %ondu%t himself .ith
appropriate %aution" 1+nd no. # must $isit .ith &ieutenant -un!ar,1 he said"
Still he lingered, remorsefully" 1Ho. is &ieutenant -un!ar51 he as'ed at last"
1+s good as they go,1 )ossarian assured him" 1+ true prin%e" (ne of the
finest, least dedi%ated men in the .hole .orld"1
1# didn1t mean that,1 the %haplain ans.ered, .hispering again" 1#s he $ery
si%'51
1,o, he isn1t $ery si%'" #n fa%t, he isn1t si%' at all"1
1That1s good"1 The %haplain sighed .ith relief"
1)es,1 )ossarian said" 1)es, that is good"1
1+ %haplain,1 -un!ar said .hen the %haplain had $isited him and gone" 1-id
you see that5 + %haplain"1
1;asn1t he s.eet51 said )ossarian" 1May!e they should gi$e him three
$otes"1
1;ho1s they51 -un!ar demanded suspi%iously"
#n a !ed in the small pri$ate se%tion at the end of the .ard, al.ays .or'ing
%easelessly !ehind the green ply!oard partition, .as the solemn middle9
aged %olonel .ho .as $isited e$ery day !y a gentle, s.eet9fa%ed .oman
.ith %urly ash9!lond hair .ho .as not a nurse and not a ;a% and not a *ed
Cross girl !ut .ho ne$ertheless appeared faithfully at the hospital in
Pianosa ea%h afternoon .earing pretty pastel summer dresses that .ere
$ery smart and .hite leather pumps .ith heels half high at the !ase of
nylon seams that .ere ine$ita!ly straight" The %olonel .as in
Communi%ations, and he .as 'ept !usy day and night transmitting
glutinous messages from the interior into s2uare pads of gau0e .hi%h he
sealed meti%ulously and deli$ered to a %o$ered .hite pail that stood on the
night ta!le !eside his !ed" The %olonel .as gorgeous" He had a %a$ernous
mouth, %a$ernous %hee's, %a$ernous, sad, milde.ed eyes" His fa%e .as
the %olor of %louded sil$er" He %oughed 2uietly, gingerly, and da!!ed the
pads slo.ly at his lips .ith a distaste that had !e%ome automati%"
The %olonel d.elt in a $orte4 of spe%ialists .ho .ere still spe%iali0ing in
trying to determine .hat .as trou!ling him" They hurled lights in his eyes to
see if he %ould see, rammed needles into ner$es to hear if he %ould feel"
There .as a urologist for his urine, a lymphologist for his lymph, an
endo%rinologist for his endo%rines, a psy%hologist for his psy%he, a
dermatologist for his dermaA there .as a pathologist for his pathos, a
%ystologist for his %ysts, and a !ald and pedanti% %etologist from the
0oology department at Har$ard .ho had !een shanghaied ruthlessly into
the Medi%al Corps !y a faulty anode in an #"3"M" ma%hine and spent his
sessions .ith the dying %olonel trying to dis%uss Moby Dick .ith him"
The %olonel had really !een in$estigated" There .as not an organ of his
!ody that had not !een drugged and derogated, dusted and dredged,
fingered and photographed, remo$ed, plundered and repla%ed" ,eat,
slender and ere%t, the .oman tou%hed him often as she sat !y his !edside
and .as the epitome of stately sorro. ea%h time she smiled" The %olonel
.as tall, thin and stooped" ;hen he rose to .al', he !ent for.ard e$en
more, ma'ing a deep %a$ity of his !ody, and pla%ed his feet do.n $ery
%arefully, mo$ing ahead !y in%hes from the 'nees do.n" There .ere $iolet
pools under his eyes" The .oman spo'e softly, softer than the %olonel
%oughed, and none of the men in the .ard e$er heard her $oi%e"
#n less than ten days the Te4an %leared the .ard" The artillery %aptain
!ro'e first, and after that the e4odus started" -un!ar, )ossarian and the
fighter %aptain all !olted the same morning" -un!ar stopped ha$ing di00y
spells, and the fighter %aptain !le. his nose" )ossarian told the do%tors that
the pain in his li$er had gone a.ay" #t .as as easy as that" $en the
.arrant offi%er fled" #n less than ten days, the Te4an dro$e e$ery!ody in the
.ard !a%' to duty = e$ery!ody !ut the C"#"-" man, .ho had %aught %old
from the fighter %aptain and %ome do.n .ith pneumonia"
Clevinger
#n a .ay the C"#"-" man .as pretty lu%'y, !e%ause outside the hospital the
.ar .as still going on" Men .ent mad and .ere re.arded .ith medals" +ll
o$er the .orld, !oys on e$ery side of the !om! line .ere laying do.n their
li$es for .hat they had !een told .as their %ountry, and no one seemed to
mind, least of all the !oys .ho .ere laying do.n their young li$es" There
.as no end in sight" The only end in sight .as )ossarian1s o.n, and he
might ha$e remained in the hospital until doomsday had it not !een for that
patrioti% Te4an .ith his infundi!uliform /o.ls and his lumpy, rumpleheaded,
indestru%ti!le smile %ra%'ed fore$er a%ross the front of his fa%e li'e the !rim
of a !la%' ten9gallon hat" The Te4an .anted e$ery!ody in the .ard to !e
happy !ut )ossarian and -un!ar" He .as really $ery si%'"
3ut )ossarian %ouldn1t !e happy, e$en though the Te4an didn1t .ant him to
!e, !e%ause outside the hospital there .as still nothing funny going on" The
only thing going on .as a .ar, and no one seemed to noti%e !ut )ossarian
and -un!ar" +nd .hen )ossarian tried to remind people, they dre. a.ay
from him and thought he .as %ra0y" $en Cle$inger, .ho should ha$e
'no.n !etter !ut didn1t, had told him he .as %ra0y the last time they had
seen ea%h other, .hi%h .as /ust !efore )ossarian had fled into the hospital"
Cle$inger had stared at him .ith apople%ti% rage and indignation and,
%la.ing the ta!le .ith !oth hands, had shouted, 1)ou1re %ra0yB1
1Cle$inger, .hat do you .ant from people51 -un!ar had replied .earily
a!o$e the noises of the offi%ers1 %lu!"
1#1m not /o'ing,1 Cle$inger persisted"
1They1re trying to 'ill me,1 )ossarian told him %almly"
1,o one1s trying to 'ill you,1 Cle$inger %ried"
1Then .hy are they shooting at me51 )ossarian as'ed"
1They1re shooting at everyone,1 Cle$inger ans.ered" 1They1re trying to 'ill
e$eryone"1
1+nd .hat differen%e does that ma'e51
Cle$inger .as already on the .ay, half out of his %hair .ith emotion, his
eyes moist and his lips 2ui$ering and pale" +s al.ays o%%urred .hen he
2uarreled o$er prin%iples in .hi%h he !elie$ed passionately, he .ould end
up gasping furiously for air and !lin'ing !a%' !itter tears of %on$i%tion"
There .ere many prin%iples in .hi%h Cle$inger !elie$ed passionately" He
.as %ra0y"
1;ho1s they51 he .anted to 'no." 1;ho, spe%ifi%ally, do you thin' is trying to
murder you51
1$ery one of them,1 )ossarian told him"
1$ery one of .hom51
1$ery one of .hom do you thin'51
1# ha$en1t any idea"1
1Then ho. do you 'no. they aren1t51
13e%ause?1 Cle$inger sputtered, and turned spee%hless .ith frustration"
Cle$inger really thought he .as right, !ut )ossarian had proof, !e%ause
strangers he didn1t 'no. shot at him .ith %annons e$ery time he fle. up
into the air to drop !om!s on them, and it .asn1t funny at all" +nd if that
.asn1t funny, there .ere lots of things that .eren1t e$en funnier" There .as
nothing funny a!out li$ing li'e a !um in a tent in Pianosa !et.een fat
mountains !ehind him and a pla%id !lue sea in front that %ould gulp do.n a
person .ith a %ramp in the t.in'ling of an eye and ship him !a%' to shore
three days later, all %harges paid, !loated, !lue and putres%ent, .ater
draining out through !oth %old nostrils"
The tent he li$ed in stood right sma%' up against the .all of the shallo.,
dull9%olored forest separating his o.n s2uadron from -un!ar1s" #mmediately
alongside .as the a!andoned railroad dit%h that %arried the pipe that
%arried the a$iation gasoline do.n to the fuel tru%'s at the airfield" Than's
to (rr, his roommate, it .as the most lu4urious tent in the s2uadron" a%h
time )ossarian returned from one of his holidays in the hospital or rest
lea$es in *ome, he .as surprised !y some ne. %omfort (rr had installed in
his a!sen%e = running .ater, .ood9!urning firepla%e, %ement floor"
)ossarian had %hosen the site, and he and (rr had raised the tent together"
(rr, .ho .as a grinning pygmy .ith pilot1s .ings and thi%', .a$y !ro.n hair
parted in the middle, furnished all the 'no.ledge, .hile )ossarian, .ho .as
taller, stronger, !roader and faster, did most of the .or'" Just the t.o of
them li$ed there, although the tent .as !ig enough for si4" ;hen summer
%ame, (rr rolled up the side flaps to allo. a !ree0e that ne$er !le. to flush
a.ay the air !a'ing inside"
#mmediately ne4t door to )ossarian .as Ha$ermeyer, .ho li'ed peanut
!rittle and li$ed all !y himself in the t.o9man tent in .hi%h he shot tiny field
mi%e e$ery night .ith huge !ullets from the "C5 he had stolen from the dead
man in )ossarian1s tent" (n the other side of Ha$ermeyer stood the tent
M%;att no longer shared .ith Cle$inger, .ho had still not returned .hen
)ossarian %ame out of the hospital" M%;att shared his tent no. .ith
,ately, .ho .as a.ay in *ome %ourting the sleepy .hore he had fallen so
deeply in lo$e .ith there .ho .as !ored .ith her .or' and !ored .ith him
too" M%;att .as %ra0y" He .as a pilot and fle. his plane as lo. as he
dared o$er )ossarian1s tent as often as he %ould, /ust to see ho. mu%h he
%ould frighten him, and lo$ed to go !u00ing .ith a .ild, %lose roar o$er the
.ooden raft floating on empty oil drums out past the sand !ar at the
imma%ulate .hite !ea%h .here the men .ent s.imming na'ed" Sharing a
tent .ith a man .ho .as %ra0y .asn1t easy, !ut ,ately didn1t %are" He .as
%ra0y, too, and had gone e$ery free day to .or' on the offi%ers1 %lu! that
)ossarian had not helped !uild"
+%tually, there .ere many offi%ers1 %lu!s that )ossarian had not helped
!uild, !ut he .as proudest of the one on Pianosa" #t .as a sturdy and
%omple4 monument to his po.ers of determination" )ossarian ne$er .ent
there to help until it .as finishedA then he .ent there often, so pleased .as
he .ith the large, fine, ram!ling, shingled !uilding" #t .as truly a splendid
stru%ture, and )ossarian thro!!ed .ith a mighty sense of a%%omplishment
ea%h time he ga0ed at it and refle%ted that none of the .or' that had gone
into it .as his"
There .ere four of them seated together at a ta!le in the offi%ers1 %lu! the
last time he and Cle$inger had %alled ea%h other %ra0y" They .ere seated
in !a%' near the %rap ta!le on .hi%h +pple!y al.ays managed to .in"
+pple!y .as as good at shooting %rap as he .as at playing ping9pong, and
he .as as good at playing ping9pong as he .as at e$erything else"
$erything +pple!y did, he did .ell" +pple!y .as a fair9haired !oy from
#o.a .ho !elie$ed in 6od, Motherhood and the +meri%an ;ay of &ife,
.ithout e$er thin'ing a!out any of them, and e$ery!ody .ho 'ne. him li'ed
him"
1# hate that son of a !it%h,1 )ossarian gro.led"
The argument .ith Cle$inger had !egun a fe. minutes earlier .hen
)ossarian had !een una!le to find a ma%hine gun" #t .as a !usy night" The
!ar .as !usy, the %rap ta!le .as !usy, the ping9gong ta!le .as !usy" The
people )ossarian .anted to ma%hine9gun .ere !usy at the !ar singing
sentimental old fa$orites that no!ody else e$er tired of" #nstead of ma%hine9
gunning them, he !rought his heel do.n hard on the ping9pong !all that
%ame rolling to.ard him off the paddle of one of the t.o offi%ers playing"
1That )ossarian,1 the t.o offi%ers laughed, sha'ing their heads, and got
another !all from the !o4 on the shelf"
1That )ossarian,1 )ossarian ans.ered them"
1)ossarian,1 ,ately .hispered %autioningly"
1)ou see .hat # mean51 as'ed Cle$inger"
The offi%ers laughed again .hen they heard )ossarian mimi%'ing them"
1That )ossarian,1 they said more loudly"
1That )ossarian,1 )ossarian e%hoed"
1)ossarian, please,1 ,ately pleaded"
1)ou see .hat # mean51 as'ed Cle$inger" 1He has antiso%ial aggressions"1
1(h, shut up,1 -un!ar told Cle$inger" -un!ar li'ed Cle$inger !e%ause
Cle$inger annoyed him and made the time go slo."
1+pple!y isn1t e$en here,1 Cle$inger pointed out triumphantly to )ossarian"
1;ho said anything a!out +pple!y51 )ossarian .anted to 'no."
1Colonel Cath%art isn1t here, either"1
1;ho said anything a!out Colonel Cath%art51
1;hat son of a !it%h do you hate, then51
1;hat son of a !it%h is here51
1#1m not going to argue .ith you,1 Cle$inger de%ided" 1)ou don1t 'no. .ho
you hate"1
1;hoe$er1s trying to poison me,1 )ossarian told him"
1,o!ody1s trying to poison you"1
1They poisoned my food t.i%e, didn1t they5 -idn1t they put poison in my food
during 7errara and during the 6reat 3ig Siege of 3ologna51
1They put poison in everybody's food,1 Cle$inger e4plained"
1+nd .hat differen%e does that ma'e51
1+nd it .asn1t e$en poisonB1 Cle$inger %ried heatedly, gro.ing more
emphati% as he gre. more %onfused"
+s far !a%' as )ossarian %ould re%all, he e4plained to Cle$inger .ith a
patient smile, some!ody .as al.ays hat%hing a plot to 'ill him" There .ere
people .ho %ared for him and people .ho didn1t, and those .ho didn1t
hated him and .ere out to get him" They hated him !e%ause he .as
+ssyrian" 3ut they %ouldn1t tou%h him, he told Cle$inger, !e%ause he had a
sound mind in a pure !ody and .as as strong as an o4" They %ouldn1t tou%h
him !e%ause he .as Tar0an, Mandra'e, 7lash 6ordon" He .as 3ill
Sha'espeare" He .as Cain, :lysses, the 7lying -ut%hmanA he .as &ot in
Sodom, -eirdre of the Sorro.s, S.eeney in the nightingales among trees"
He .as mira%le ingredient D9<CE" He .as =
1Cra0yB1 Cle$inger interrupted, shrie'ing" 1That1s .hat you areB Cra0yB
1= immense" #1m a real, slam9!ang, honest9to9goodness, three9fisted
humdinger" #1m a !ona fide supraman"1
1Superman51 Cle$inger %ried" 1Superman51
1Supraman,1 )ossarian %orre%ted"
1Hey, fellas, %ut it out,1 ,ately !egged .ith em!arrassment" 1$ery!ody1s
loo'ing at us"1
1)ou1re %ra0y,1 Cle$inger shouted $ehemently, his eyes filling .ith tears"
1)ou1$e got a Jeho$ah %omple4"1
1# thin' e$eryone is ,athaniel"1
Cle$inger arrested himself in mid9de%lamation, suspi%iously" 1;ho1s
,athaniel51
1,athaniel .ho51 in2uired )ossarian inno%ently"
Cle$inger s'irted the trap neatly" 1)ou thin' e$ery!ody is Jeho$ah" )ou1re
no !etter than *as'oln'o$=1
1;ho51
1= yes, *as'olni'o$, .ho =1
1*as'olni'o$B1
1= .ho = # mean it = .ho felt he %ould /ustify 'illing an old .oman =1
1,o !etter than51
1= yes, /ustify, that1s right = .ith an a4B +nd # %an pro$e it to youB1 6asping
furiously for air, Cle$inger enumerated )ossarian1s symptoms@ an
unreasona!le !elief that e$ery!ody around him .as %ra0y, a homi%idal
impulse to ma%hine9gun strangers, retrospe%ti$e falsifi%ation, an unfounded
suspi%ion that people hated him and .ere %onspiring to 'ill him"
3ut )ossarian 'ne. he .as right, !e%ause, as he e4plained to Cle$inger, to
the !est of his 'no.ledge he had ne$er !een .rong" $ery.here he loo'ed
.as a nut, and it .as all a sensi!le young gentleman li'e himself %ould do
to maintain his perspe%ti$e amid so mu%h madness" +nd it .as urgent that
he did, for he 'ne. his life .as in peril"
)ossarian eyed e$eryone he sa. .arily .hen he returned to the s2uadron
from the hospital" Milo .as a.ay, too, in Smyrna for the fig har$est" The
mess hall ran smoothly in Milo1s a!sen%e" )ossarian had responded
ra$enously to the pungent aroma of spi%y lam! .hile he .as still in the %a!
of the am!ulan%e !oun%ing do.n along the 'notted road that lay li'e a
!ro'en suspender !et.een the hospital and the s2uadron" There .as
shish9'a!o! for lun%h, huge, sa$ory hun's of spitted meat si00ling li'e the
de$il o$er %har%oal after marinating se$enty9t.o hours in a se%ret mi4ture
Milo had stolen from a %roo'ed trader in the &e$ant, ser$ed .ith #ranian ri%e
and asparagus tips Parmesan, follo.ed !y %herries /u!ilee for dessert and
then steaming %ups of fresh %offee .ith 3enedi%tine and !randy" The meal
.as ser$ed in enormous helpings on damas' ta!le%loths !y the s'illed
#talian .aiters Ma/or 9 de Co$erley had 'idnaped from the mainland and
gi$en to Milo"
)ossarian gorged himself in the mess hall until he thought he .ould
e4plode and then sagged !a%' in a %ontented stupor, his mouth filmy .ith a
su%%ulent residue" ,one of the offi%ers in the s2uadron had e$er eaten so
.ell as they ate regularly in Milo1s mess hall, and )ossarian .ondered
a.hile if it .asn1t perhaps all .orth it" 3ut then he !urped and remem!ered
that they .ere trying to 'ill him, and he sprinted out of the mess hall .ildly
and ran loo'ing for -o% -anee'a to ha$e himself ta'en off %om!at duty and
sent home" He found -o% -anee'a in sunlight, sitting on a high stool
outside his tent"
17ifty missions,1 -o% -anee'a told him, sha'ing his head" 1The %olonel
.ants fifty missions"1
13ut #1$e only got forty9fourB1
-o% -anee'a .as unmo$ed" He .as a sad, !irdli'e man .ith the spatulate
fa%e and s%ru!!ed, tapering features of a .ell9groomed rat"
17ifty missions,1 he repeated, still sha'ing his head" 1The %olonel .ants fifty
missions"1
Havermeyer
+%tually, no one .as around .hen )ossarian returned from the hospital !ut
(rr and the dead man in )ossarian1s tent" The dead man in )ossarian1s
tent .as a pest, and )ossarian didn1t li'e him, e$en though he had ne$er
seen him" Ha$ing him lying around all day annoyed )ossarian so mu%h that
he had gone to the orderly room se$eral times to %omplain to Sergeant
To.ser, .ho refused to admit that the dead man e$en e4isted, .hi%h, of
%ourse, he no longer did" #t .as still more frustrating to try to appeal dire%tly
to Ma/or Ma/or, the long and !ony s2uadron %ommander, .ho loo'ed a little
!it li'e Henry 7onda in distress and .ent /umping out the .indo. of his
offi%e ea%h time )ossarian !ullied his .ay past Sergeant To.ser to spea'
to him a!out it" The dead man in )ossarian1s tent .as simply not easy to
li$e .ith" He e$en distur!ed (rr, .ho .as not easy to li$e .ith, either, and
.ho, on the day )ossarian %ame !a%', .as tin'ering .ith the fau%et that
fed gasoline into the sto$e he had started !uilding .hile )ossarian .as in
the hospital"
1;hat are you doing51 )ossarian as'ed guardedly .hen he entered the tent,
although he sa. at on%e"
1There1s a lea' here,1 (rr said" 1#1m trying to fi4 it"1
1Please stop it,1 said )ossarian" 1)ou1re ma'ing me ner$ous"1
1;hen # .as a 'id,1 (rr replied, 1# used to .al' around all day .ith %ra!
apples in my %hee's" (ne in ea%h %hee'"1
)ossarian put aside the musette !ag from .hi%h he had !egun remo$ing
his toilet arti%les and !ra%ed himself suspi%iously" + minute passed" 1;hy51
he found himself for%ed to as' finally"
(rr tittered triumphantly" 13e%ause they1re !etter than horse %hestnuts,1 he
ans.ered"
(rr .as 'neeling on the floor of the tent" He .or'ed .ithout pause, ta'ing
the fau%et apart, spreading all the tiny pie%es out %arefully, %ounting and
then studying ea%h one intermina!ly as though he had ne$er seen anything
remotely similar !efore, and then reassem!ling the .hole apparatus, o$er
and o$er and o$er and o$er again, .ith no loss of patien%e or interest, no
sign of fatigue, no indi%ation of e$er %on%luding" )ossarian .at%hed him
tin'ering and felt %ertain he .ould !e %ompelled to murder him in %old !lood
if he did not stop" His eyes mo$ed to.ard the hunting 'nife that had !een
slung o$er the mos2uito9net !ar !y the dead man the day he arri$ed" The
'nife hung !eside the dead man1s empty leather gun holster, from .hi%h
Ha$ermeyer had stolen the gun"
1;hen # %ouldn1t get %ra! apples,1 (rr %ontinued, 1# used horse %hestnuts"
Horse %hestnuts are a!out the same si0e as %ra! apples and a%tually ha$e
a !etter shape, although the shape doesn1t matter a !it"1
1;hy did you .al' around .ith %ra! apples in your %hee's51 )ossarian
as'ed again" 1That1s .hat # as'ed"1
13e%ause they1$e got a !etter shape than horse %hestnuts,1 (rr ans.ered" 1#
/ust told you that"1
1;hy,1 s.ore )ossarian at him appro$ingly, 1you e$il9eyed, me%hani%ally9
aptituded, disaffiliated son of a !it%h, did you .al' around .ith anything in
your %hee's51
1# didn1t,1 (rr said, 1.al' around .ith anything in my %hee's" # .al'ed around
.ith %ra! apples in my %hee's" ;hen # %ouldn1t get %ra! apples # .al'ed
around .ith horse %hestnuts" #n my %hee's"1
(rr giggled" )ossarian made up his mind to 'eep his mouth shut and did"
(rr .aited" )ossarian .aited longer"
1(ne in ea%h %hee',1 (rr said"
1;hy51
(rr poun%ed" 1;hy .hat51
)ossarian shoo' his head, smiling, and refused to say"
1#t1s a funny thing a!out this $al$e,1 (rr mused aloud"
1;hat is51 )ossarian as'ed"
13e%ause # .anted =1
)ossarian 'ne." 1Jesus ChristB ;hy did you .ant =1
1= apple %hee's"1
1= apple %hee's51 )ossarian demanded"
1# .anted apple %hee's,1 (rr repeated" 1$en .hen # .as a 'id # .anted
apple %hee's someday, and # de%ided to .or' at it until # got them, and !y
6od, # did .or' at it until # got them, and that1s ho. # did it, .ith %ra! apples
in my %hee's all day long"1 He giggled again" 1(ne in ea%h %hee'"1
1;hy did you .ant apple %hee's51
1# didn1t .ant apple %hee's,1 (rr said" 1# .anted big %hee's" # didn1t %are
a!out the %olor so mu%h, !ut # .anted them !ig" # .or'ed at it /ust li'e one
of those %ra0y guys you read a!out .ho go around s2uee0ing ru!!er !alls
all day long /ust to strengthen their hands" #n fa%t, # .as one of those %ra0y
guys" # used to .al' around all day .ith ru!!er !alls in my hands, too"1
1;hy51
1;hy .hat51
1;hy did you .al' around all day .ith ru!!er !alls in your hands51
13e%ause ru!!er !alls =1 said (rr"
1= are !etter than %ra! apples51
(rr sniggered as he shoo' his head" 1# did it to prote%t my good reputation in
%ase anyone e$er %aught me .al'ing around .ith %ra! apples in my
%hee's" ;ith ru!!er !alls in my hands # %ould deny there .ere %ra! apples
in my %hee's" $ery time someone as'ed me .hy # .as .al'ing around
.ith %ra! apples in my %hee's, #1d /ust open my hands and sho. them it
.as ru!!er !alls # .as .al'ing around .ith, not %ra! apples, and that they
.ere in my hands, not my %hee's" #t .as a good story" 3ut # ne$er 'ne. if it
got a%ross or not, sin%e it1s pretty tough to ma'e people understand you
.hen you1re tal'ing to them .ith t.o %ra! apples in your %hee's"1
)ossarian found it pretty tough to understand him then, and he .ondered
on%e again if (rr .asn1t tal'ing to him .ith the tip of his tongue in one of his
apple %hee's"
)ossarian de%ided not to utter another .ord" #t .ould !e futile" He 'ne.
(rr, and he 'ne. there .as not a %han%e in hell of finding out from him then
.hy he had .anted !ig %hee's" #t .ould do no more good to as' than it had
done to as' him .hy that .hore had 'ept !eating him o$er the head .ith
her shoe that morning in *ome in the %ramped $esti!ule outside the open
door of ,ately1s .hore1s 'id sister1s room" She .as a tall, strapping girl .ith
long hair and in%andes%ent !lue $eins %on$erging populously !eneath her
%o%oa9%olored s'in .here the flesh .as most tender, and she 'ept %ursing
and shrie'ing and /umping high up into the air on her !are feet to 'eep right
on hitting him on the top of his head .ith the spi'ed heel of her shoe" They
.ere !oth na'ed, and raising a rumpus that !rought e$eryone in the
apartment into the hall to .at%h, ea%h %ouple in a !edroom door.ay, all of
them na'ed e4%ept the aproned and s.eatered old .oman, .ho %lu%'ed
repro$ingly, and the le%herous, dissipated old man, .ho %a%'led aloud
hilariously through the .hole episode .ith a 'ind of a$id and superior glee"
The girl shrie'ed and (rr giggled" a%h time she landed .ith the heel of her
shoe, (rr giggled louder, infuriating her still further so that she fle. up still
higher into the air for another shot at his noodle, her .ondrously full !reasts
soaring all o$er the pla%e li'e !illo.ing pennants in a strong .ind and her
!utto%'s and strong thighs shim9sham9shimmying this .ay and that .ay li'e
some horrifying !onan0a" She shrie'ed and (rr giggled right up to the time
she shrie'ed and 'no%'ed him %old .ith a good solid %ra%' on the temple
that made him stop giggling and sent him off to the hospital in a stret%her
.ith a hole in his head that .asn1t $ery deep and a $ery mild %on%ussion
that 'ept him out of %om!at only t.el$e days"
,o!ody %ould find out .hat had happened, not e$en the %a%'ling old man
and %lu%'ing old .oman, .ho .ere in a position to find out e$erything that
happened in that $ast and endless !rothel .ith its multitudinous !edrooms
on fa%ing sides of the narro. hall.ays going off in opposite dire%tions from
the spa%ious sitting room .ith its shaded .indo.s and single lamp" $ery
time she met (rr after that, she1d hoist her s'irts up o$er her tight .hite
elasti% panties and, /eering %oarsely, !ulge her firm, round !elly out at him,
%ursing him %ontemptuously and then roaring .ith hus'y laughter as she
sa. him giggle fearfully and ta'e refuge !ehind )ossarian" ;hate$er he
had done or tried to do or failed to do !ehind the %losed door of ,ately1s
.hore1s 'id sister1s room .as still a se%ret" The girl .ouldn1t tell ,ately1s
.hore or any of the other .hores or ,ately or )ossarian" (rr might tell, !ut
)ossarian had de%ided not to utter another .ord"
1-o you .ant to 'no. .hy # .anted !ig %hee's51 (rr as'ed"
)ossarian 'ept his mouth shut"
1-o you remem!er,1 (rr said, 1that time in *ome .hen that girl .ho %an1t
stand you 'ept hitting me o$er the head .ith the heel of her shoe5 -o you
.ant to 'no. .hy she .as hitting me51
#t .as still impossi!le to imagine .hat he %ould ha$e done to ma'e her
angry enough to hammer him o$er the head for fifteen or t.enty minutes,
yet not angry enough to pi%' him up !y the an'les and dash his !rains out"
She .as %ertainly tall enough, and (rr .as %ertainly short enough" (rr had
!u%' teeth and !ulging eyes to go .ith his !ig %hee's and .as e$en smaller
than young Huple, .ho li$ed on the .rong side of the railroad tra%'s in the
tent in the administration area in .hi%h Hungry Joe lay s%reaming in his
sleep e$ery night"
The administration area in .hi%h Hungry Joe had pit%hed his tent !y
mista'e lay in the %enter of the s2uadron !et.een the dit%h, .ith its rusted
railroad tra%'s, and the tilted !la%' !ituminous road" The men %ould pi%' up
girls along that road if they promised to ta'e them .here they .anted to go,
!u4om, young, homely, grinning girls .ith missing teeth .hom they %ould
dri$e off the road and lie do.n in the .ild grass .ith, and )ossarian did
.hene$er he %ould, .hi%h .as not nearly as often as Hungry Joe, .ho
%ould get a /eep !ut %ouldn1t dri$e, !egged him to try" The tents of the
enlisted men in the s2uadron stood on the other side of the road alongside
the open9air mo$ie theater in .hi%h, for the daily amusement of the dying,
ignorant armies %lashed !y night on a %ollapsi!le s%reen, and to .hi%h
another :"S"(" troupe %ame that same afternoon"
The :"S"(" troupes .ere sent !y 6eneral P" P" Pe%'em, .ho had mo$ed
his head2uarters up to *ome and had nothing !etter to do .hile he
s%hemed against 6eneral -reedle" 6eneral Pe%'em .as a general .ith
.hom neatness definitely %ounted" He .as a spry, sua$e and $ery pre%ise
general .ho 'ne. the %ir%umferen%e of the e2uator and al.ays .rote
1enhan%ed1 .hen he meant 1in%reased1" He .as a pri%', and no one 'ne.
this !etter than 6eneral -reedle, .ho .as in%ensed !y 6eneral Pe%'em1s
re%ent dire%ti$e re2uiring all tents in the Mediterranean theater of operations
to !e pit%hed along parallel lines .ith entran%es fa%ing !a%' proudly to.ard
the ;ashington Monument" To 6eneral -reedle, .ho ran a fighting outfit, it
seemed a lot of %rap" 7urthermore, it .as none of 6eneral Pe%'em1s
goddam !usiness ho. the tents in 6eneral -reedle1s .ing .ere pit%hed"
There then follo.ed a he%ti% /urisdi%tional dispute !et.een these o$erlords
that .as de%ided in 6eneral -reedle1s fa$or !y e49P"7"C" ;intergreen, mail
%ler' at T.enty9se$enth +ir 7or%e Head2uarters" ;intergreen determined
the out%ome !y thro.ing all %ommuni%ations from 6eneral Pe%'em into the
.aste!as'et" He found them too proli4" 6eneral -reedle1s $ie.s, e4pressed
in less pretentious literary style, pleased e49P"7"C" ;intergreen and .ere
sped along !y him in 0ealous o!ser$an%e of regulations" 6eneral -reedle
.as $i%torious !y default"
To regain .hate$er status he had lost, 6eneral Pe%'em !egan sending out
more :"S"(" troupes than he had e$er sent out !efore and assigned to
Colonel Cargill himself the responsi!ility of generating enough enthusiasm
for them"
3ut there .as no enthusiasm in )ossarian1s group" #n )ossarian1s group
there .as only a mounting num!er of enlisted men and offi%ers .ho found
their .ay solemnly to Sergeant To.ser se$eral times a day to as' if the
orders sending them home had %ome in" They .ere men .ho had finished
their fifty missions" There .ere more of them no. than .hen )ossarian had
gone into the hospital, and they .ere still .aiting" They .orried and !it their
nails" They .ere grotes2ue, li'e useless young men in a depression" They
mo$ed side.ays, li'e %ra!s" They .ere .aiting for the orders sending them
home to safety to return from T.enty9se$enth +ir 7or%e Head2uarters in
#taly, and .hile they .aited they had nothing to do !ut .orry and !ite their
nails and find their .ay solemnly to Sergeant To.ser se$eral times a day to
as' if the order sending them home to safety had %ome"
They .ere in a ra%e and 'ne. it, !e%ause they 'ne. from !itter e4perien%e
that Colonel Cath%art might raise the num!er of missions again at any time"
They had nothing !etter to do than .ait" (nly Hungry Joe had something
!etter to do ea%h time he finished his missions" He had s%reaming
nightmares and .on fist fights .ith Huple1s %at" He too' his %amera to the
front ro. of e$ery :"S"(" sho. and tried to shoot pi%tures up the s'irt of the
yello.9headed singer .ith t.o !ig ones in a se2uined dress that al.ays
seemed ready to !urst" The pi%tures ne$er %ame out"
Colonel Cargill, 6eneral Pe%'em1s trou!leshooter, .as a for%eful, ruddy
man" 3efore the .ar he had !een an alert, hardhitting, aggressi$e
mar'eting e4e%uti$e" He .as a $ery !ad mar'eting e4e%uti$e" Colonel
Cargill .as so a.ful a mar'eting e4e%uti$e that his ser$i%es .ere mu%h
sought after !y firms eager to esta!lish losses for ta4 purposes" Throughout
the %i$ili0ed .orld, from 3attery Par' to 7ulton Street, he .as 'no.n as a
dependa!le man for a fast ta4 .rite9off" His pri%es .ere high, for failure
often did not %ome easily" He had to start at the top and .or' his .ay do.n,
and .ith sympatheti% friends in ;ashington, losing money .as no simple
matter" #t too' months of hard .or' and %areful misplanning" + person
mispla%ed, disorgani0ed, mis%al%ulated, o$erloo'ed e$erything and opened
e$ery loophole, and /ust .hen he thought he had it made, the go$ernment
ga$e him a la'e or a forest or an oilfield and spoiled e$erything" $en .ith
su%h handi%aps, Colonel Cargill %ould !e relied on to run the most
prosperous enterprise into the ground" He .as a self9made man .ho o.ed
his la%' of su%%ess to no!ody"
1Men,1 Colonel Cargill !egan in )ossarian1s s2uadron, measuring his
pauses %arefully" 1)ou1re +meri%an offi%ers" The offi%ers of no other army in
the .orld %an ma'e that statement" Thin' a!out it"1
Sergeant >night thought a!out it and then politely informed Colonel Cargill
that he .as addressing the enlisted men and that the offi%ers .ere to !e
found .aiting for him on the other side of the s2uadron" Colonel Cargill
than'ed him %risply and glo.ed .ith self9satisfa%tion as he strode a%ross
the area" #t made him proud to o!ser$e that t.enty9nine months in the
ser$i%e had not !lunted his genius for ineptitude"
1Men,1 he !egan his address to the offi%ers, measuring his pauses %arefully"
1)ou1re +meri%an offi%ers" The offi%ers of no other army in the .orld %an
ma'e that statement" Thin' a!out it"1 He .aited a moment to permit them to
thin' a!out it" 1These people are your guestsB1 he shouted suddenly"
1They1$e tra$eled o$er three thousand miles to entertain you" Ho. are they
going to feel if no!ody .ants to go out and .at%h them5 ;hat1s going to
happen to their morale5 ,o., men, it1s no s'in off my !ehind" 3ut that girl
that .ants to play the a%%ordion for you today is old enough to !e a mother"
Ho. .ould you feel if your o.n mother tra$eled o$er three thousand miles
to play the a%%ordion for some troops that didn1t .ant to .at%h her5 Ho. is
that 'id .hose mother that a%%ordion player is old enough to !e going to
feel .hen he gro.s up and learns a!out it5 ;e all 'no. the ans.er to that
one" ,o., men, don1t misunderstand me" This is all $oluntary, of %ourse" #1d
!e the last %olonel in the .orld to order you to go to that :"S"(" sho. and
ha$e a good time, !ut # .ant e$ery one of you .ho isn1t si%' enough to !e in
a hospital to go to that :"S"(" sho. right no. and ha$e a good time, and
that1s an orderB1
)ossarian did feel almost si%' enough to go !a%' into the hospital, and he
felt e$en si%'er three %om!at missions later .hen -o% -anee'a still shoo'
his melan%holy head and refused to ground him"
1)ou thin' you1$e got trou!les51 -o% -anee'a re!u'ed him grie$ingly" 1;hat
a!out me5 # li$ed on peanuts for eight years .hile # learned ho. to !e a
do%tor" +fter the peanuts, # li$ed on %hi%'en feed in my o.n offi%e until #
%ould !uild up a pra%ti%e de%ent enough to e$en pay e4penses" Then, /ust
as the shop .as finally starting to sho. a profit, they drafted me" # don1t
'no. .hat you1re %omplaining a!out"1
-o% -anee'a .as )ossarian1s friend and .ould do /ust a!out nothing in his
po.er to help him" )ossarian listened $ery %arefully as -o% -anee'a told
him a!out Colonel Cath%art at 6roup, .ho .anted to !e a general, a!out
6eneral -reedle at ;ing and 6eneral -reedle1s nurse, and a!out all the
other generals at T.enty9se$enth +ir 7or%e Head2uarters, .ho insisted on
only forty missions as a %ompleted tour of duty"
1;hy don1t you /ust smile and ma'e the !est of it51 he ad$ised )ossarian
glumly" 13e li'e Ha$ermeyer"1
)ossarian shuddered at the suggestion" Ha$ermeyer .as a lead
!om!ardier .ho ne$er too' e$asi$e a%tion going in to the target and
there!y in%reased the danger of all the men .ho fle. in the same formation
.ith him"
1Ha$ermeyer, .hy the hell don1t you e$er ta'e e$asi$e a%tion51 they .ould
demand in a rage after the mission"
1Hey, you men lea$e Captain Ha$ermeyer alone,1 Colonel Cath%art .ould
order" 1He1s the !est damned !om!ardier .e1$e got"1
Ha$ermeyer grinned and nodded and tried to e4plain ho. he dumdummed
the !ullets .ith a hunting 'nife !efore he fired them at the field mi%e in his
tent e$ery night" Ha$ermeyer .as the !est damned !om!ardier they had,
!ut he fle. straight and le$el all the .ay from the #"P" to the target, and
e$en far !eyond the target until he sa. the falling !om!s stri'e ground and
e4plode in a darting spurt of a!rupt orange that flashed !eneath the s.irling
pall of smo'e and pul$eri0ed de!ris geysering up .ildly in huge, rolling
.a$es of gray and !la%'" Ha$ermeyer held mortal men rigid in si4 planes as
steady and still as sitting du%'s .hile he follo.ed the !om!s all the .ay
do.n through the ple4iglass nose .ith deep interest and ga$e the 6erman
gunners !elo. all the time they needed to set their sights and ta'e their aim
and pull their triggers or lanyards or s.it%hes or .hate$er the hell they did
pull .hen they .anted to 'ill people they didn1t 'no."
Ha$ermeyer .as a lead !om!ardier .ho ne$er missed" )ossarian .as a
lead !om!ardier .ho had !een demoted !e%ause he no longer ga$e a
damn .hether he missed or not" He had de%ided to li$e fore$er or die in the
attempt, and his only mission ea%h time he .ent up .as to %ome do.n
ali$e"
The men had lo$ed flying !ehind )ossarian, .ho used to %ome !arreling in
o$er the target from all dire%tions and e$ery height, %lim!ing and di$ing and
t.isting and turning so steeply and sharply that it .as all the pilots of the
other fi$e planes %ould do to stay in formation .ith him, le$eling out only for
the t.o or three se%onds it too' for the !om!s to drop and then 0ooming off
again .ith an a%hing ho.l of engines, and .ren%hing his flight through the
air so $iolently as he .o$e his .ay through the filthy !arrages of fla' that
the si4 planes .ere soon flung out all o$er the s'y li'e prayers, ea%h one a
pusho$er for the 6erman fighters, .hi%h .as /ust fine .ith )ossarian, for
there .ere no 6erman fighters any more and he did not .ant any e4ploding
planes near his .hen they e4ploded" (nly .hen all the Sturm und
Drang had !een left far !ehind .ould he tip his fla' helmet !a%' .earily on
his s.eating head and stop !ar'ing dire%tions to M%;att at the %ontrols,
.ho had nothing !etter to .onder a!out at a time li'e that than .here the
!om!s had fallen"
13om! !ay %lear,1 Sergeant >night in the !a%' .ould announ%e"
1-id .e hit the !ridge51 M%;att .ould as'"
1# %ouldn1t see, sir, # 'ept getting !oun%ed around !a%' here pretty hard and
# %ouldn1t see" $erything1s %o$ered .ith smo'e no. and # %an1t see"1
1Hey, +arfy, did the !om!s hit the target51
1;hat target51 Captain +ard$aar', )ossarian1s plump, pipe9smo'ing
na$igator, .ould say from the %onfusion of maps he had %reated at
)ossarian1s side in the nose of the ship" 1# don1t thin' .e1re at the target yet"
+re .e51
1)ossarian, did the !om!s hit the target51
1;hat !om!s51 ans.ered )ossarian, .hose only %on%ern had !een the fla'"
1(h, .ell,1 M%;att .ould sing, 1.hat the hell"1
)ossarian did not gi$e a damn .hether he hit the target or not, /ust as long
as Ha$ermeyer or one of the other lead !om!ardiers did and they ne$er
had to go !a%'" $ery no. and then someone gre. angry enough at
Ha$ermeyer to thro. a pun%h at him"
1# said you men lea$e Captain Ha$ermeyer alone,1 Colonel Cath%art .arned
them all angrily" 1# said he1s the !est damned !om!ardier .e1$e got, didn1t
#51
Ha$ermeyer grinned at the %olonel1s inter$ention and sho$ed another pie%e
of peanut !rittle inside his fa%e"
Ha$ermeyer had gro.n $ery profi%ient at shooting field mi%e at night .ith
the gun he had stolen from the dead man in )ossarian1s tent" His !ait .as a
!ar of %andy and he .ould presight in the dar'ness as he sat .aiting for the
ni!!le .ith a finger of his other hand inside a loop of the line he had run
from the frame of his mos2uito net to the %hain of the unfrosted light !ul!
o$erhead" The line .as taut as a !an/o string, and the merest tug .ould
snap it on and !lind the shi$ering 2uarry in a !la0e of light" Ha$ermeyer
.ould %hortle e4ultantly as he .at%hed the tiny mammal free0e and roll its
terrified eyes a!out in franti% sear%h of the intruder" Ha$ermeyer .ould .ait
until the eyes fell upon his o.n and then he laughed aloud and pulled the
trigger at the same time, sho.ering the ran', furry !ody all o$er the tent
.ith a re$er!erating %rash and dispat%hing its timid soul !a%' to his or her
Creator"
&ate one night, Ha$ermeyer fired a shot at a mouse that !rought Hungry
Joe !olting out at him !arefoot, ranting at the top of his s%ree%hy $oi%e and
emptying his o.n "C5 into Ha$ermeyer1s tent as he %ame %harging do.n
one side of the dit%h and up the other and $anished all at on%e inside one of
the slit tren%hes that had appeared li'e magi% !eside e$ery tent the morning
after Milo Minder!inder had !om!ed the s2uadron" #t .as /ust !efore da.n
during the 6reat 3ig Siege of 3ologna, .hen tongueless dead men peopled
the night hours li'e li$ing ghosts and Hungry Joe .as half out of his mind
!e%ause he had finished his missions again and .as not s%heduled to fly"
Hungry Joe .as !a!!ling in%oherently .hen they fished him out from the
dan' !ottom of the slit tren%h, !a!!ling of sna'es, rats and spiders" The
others flashed their sear%hlights do.n /ust to ma'e sure" There .as nothing
inside !ut a fe. in%hes of stagnant rain .ater"
1)ou see51 %ried Ha$ermeyer" 1# told you" # told you he .as %ra0y, didn1t #51
oc Daneeka
Hungry Joe was crazy, and no one knew it better than Yossarian, who did everything he could
to help him. Hungry Joe just wouldn't listen to Yossarian. Hungry Joe just wouldn't listen
because he thought Yossarian was crazy.
'Why should he listen to you' !oc !aneeka in"uired o# Yossarian without looking up.
'$ecause he's got troubles.'
!oc !aneeka snorted scorn#ully. 'He thinks he's got troubles What about me' !oc !aneeka
continued slowly with a gloomy sneer. '%h, &'m not complaining. & know there's a war on. &
know a lot o# people are going to have to su##er #or us to win it. $ut why must & be one o#
them Why don't they dra#t some o# these old doctors who keep shooting their kissers o## in
public about what big sacri#ices the medical game stands ready to make & don't want to make
sacri#ices. & want to make dough.'
!oc !aneeka was a very neat, clean man whose idea o# a good time was to sulk. He had a
dark comple'ion and a small, wise, saturnine #ace with mourn#ul pouches under both eyes. He
brooded over his health continually and went almost daily to the medical tent to have his
temperature taken by one o# the two enlisted men there who ran things #or him practically on
their own, and ran it so e##iciently that he was le#t with little else to do but sit in the sunlight
with his stu##ed nose and wonder what other people were so worried about. (heir names were
)us and Wes and they had succeeded in elevating medicine to an e'act science. *ll men
reporting on sick call with temperatures above +,- were rushed to the hospital. *ll those
e'cept Yossarian reporting on sick call with temperatures below +,- had their gums and toes
painted with gentian violet solution and were given a la'ative to throw away into the bushes.
*ll those reporting on a sick call with temperatures o# e'actly +,- were asked to return in an
hour to have their temperatures taken again. Yossarian, with his temperature o# +,+, could go
to the hospital whenever he wanted to because he was not a#raid o# them.
(he system worked just #ine #or everybody, especially #or !oc !aneeka, who #ound himsel#
with all the time he needed to watch old .ajor / de 0overley pitching horseshoes in his
private horseshoe/pitching pit, still wearing the transparent eye patch !oc !aneeka had
#ashioned #or him #rom the strip o# celluloid stolen #rom .ajor .ajor's orderly room window
months be#ore when .ajor / de 0overley had returned #rom 1ome with an injured cornea
a#ter renting two apartments there #or the o##icers and enlisted men to use on their rest leaves.
(he only time !oc !aneeka ever went to the medical tent was the time he began to #eel he
was a very sick man each day and stopped in just to have )us and Wes look him over. (hey
could never #ind anything wrong with him. His temperature was always 23.4, which was
per#ectly all right with them, as long as he didn't mind. !oc !aneeka did mind. He was
beginning to lose con#idence in )us and Wes and was thinking o# having them both
trans#erred back to the motor pool and replaced by someone who could #ind something wrong.
!oc !aneeka was personally #amiliar with a number o# things that were drastically wrong. &n
addition to his health, he worried about the 5aci#ic %cean and #light time. Health was
something no one ever could be sure o# #or a long enough time. (he 5aci#ic %cean was a body
o# water surrounded on all sides by elephantiasis and other dread diseases to which, i# he ever
displeased 0olonel 0athcart by grounding Yossarian, he might suddenly #ind himsel#
trans#erred. *nd #light time was the time he had to spend in airplane #light each month in
order to get his #light pay. !oc !aneeka hated to #ly. He #elt imprisoned in an airplane. &n an
airplane there was absolutely no place in the world to go e'cept to another part o# the
airplane. !oc !aneeka had been told that people who enjoyed climbing into an airplane were
really giving vent to a subconscious desire to climb back into the womb. He had been told this
by Yossarian, who made it possible #or !an !aneeka to collect his #light pay each month
without ever climbing back into the womb. Yossarian would persuade .cWatt to enter !oc
!aneeka's name on his #light log #or training missions or trips to 1ome.
'You know how it is,' !oc !aneeka had wheedled, with a sly, conspiratorial wink. 'Why take
chances when & don't have to'
'6ure,' Yossarian agreed.
'What di##erence does it make to anyone i# &'m in the plane or not'
'7o di##erence.'
'6ure, that's what & mean,' !oc !aneeka said. '* little grease is what makes this world go
round. %ne hand washes the other. 8now what & mean You scratch my back, &'ll scratch
yours.'
Yossarian knew what he meant.
'(hat's not what & meant,' !oc !aneeka said, as Yossarian began scratching his back. '&'m
talking about co/operation. 9avors. You do a #avor #or me, &'ll do one #or you. )et it'
'!o one #or me,' Yossarian re"uested.
'7ot a chance,' !oc !aneeka answered.
(here was something #ear#ul and minute about !oc !aneeka as he sat despondently outside
his tent in the sunlight as o#ten as he could, dressed in khaki summer trousers and a short/
sleeved summer shirt that was bleached almost to an antiseptic gray by the daily laundering to
which he had it subjected. He was like a man who had grown #rozen with horror once and had
never come completely unthawed. He sat all tucked up into himsel#, his slender shoulders
huddled hal#way around his head, his suntanned hands with their luminous silver #ingernails
massaging the backs o# his bare, #olded arms gently as though he were cold. *ctually, he was
a very warm, compassionate man who never stopped #eeling sorry #or himsel#.
'Why me' was his constant lament, and the "uestion was a good one.
Yossarian knew it was a good one because Yossarian was a collector o# good "uestions and
had used them to disrupt the educational sessions 0levinger had once conducted two nights a
week in 0aptain $lack's intelligence tent with the corporal in eyeglasses who everybody knew
was probably a subversive. 0aptain $lack knew he was a subversive because he wore
eyeglasses and used words like panacea and utopia, and because he disapproved o# *dol#
Hitler, who had done such a great job o# combating un/*merican activities in )ermany.
Yossarian attended the educational sessions because he wanted to #ind out why so many
people were working so hard to kill him. * hand#ul o# other men were also interested, and the
"uestions were many and good when 0levmger and the subversive corporal #inished and
made the mistake o# asking i# there were any.
'Who is 6pain'
'Why is Hitler'
'When is right'
'Where was that stooped and mealy/colored old man & used to call 5oppa when the merry/go/
round broke down'
'How was trump at .unich'
'Ho/ho beriberi.'
and
'$alls:'
all rang out in rapid succession, and then there was Yossarian with the "uestion that had no
answer;
'Where are the 6nowdens o# yesteryear'
(he "uestion upset them, because 6nowden had been killed over *vignon when !obbs went
crazy in mid/air and seized the controls away #rom Huple.
(he corporal played it dumb. 'What' he asked.
'Where are the 6nowdens o# yesteryear'
'&'m a#raid & don't understand.'
'O sont les Neigedens d'antan?' Yossarian said to make it easier #or him.
'Parlez en anglais, #or 0hrist's sake,' said the corporal. 'Je ne parle pas franais.'
'7either do &,' answered Yossarian, who was ready to pursue him through all the words in the
world to wring the knowledge #rom him i# he could, but 0levinger intervened, pale, thin, and
laboring #or breath, a humid coating o# tears already glistening in his undernourished eyes.
)roup Head"uarters was alarmed, #or there was no telling what people might #ind out once
they #elt #ree to ask whatever "uestions they wanted to. 0olonel 0athcart sent 0olonel 8orn to
stop it, and 0olonel 8orn succeeded with a rule governing the asking o# "uestions. 0olonel
8orn's rule was a stroke o# genius, 0olonel 8orn e'plained in his report to 0olonel 0athcart.
<nder 0olonel 8orn's rule, the only people permitted to ask "uestions were those who never
did. 6oon the only people attending were those who never asked "uestions, and the sessions
were discontinued altogether, since 0levinger, the corporal and 0olonel 8orn agreed that it
was neither possible nor necessary to educate people who never "uestioned anything.
0olonel 0athcart and =ieutenant 0olonel 8orn lived and worked in the )roup Head"uarters
building, as did all the members o# the head"uarters sta##, with the e'ception o# the chaplain.
(he )roup Head"uarters building was an enormous, windy, anti"uated structure built o#
powdery red stone and banging plumbing. $ehind the building was the modern skeet/shooting
range that had been constructed by 0olonel 0athcart #or the e'clusive recreation o# the
o##icers at )roup and at which every o##icer and enlisted man on combat status now, thanks to
)eneral !reedle, had to spend a minimum o# eight hours a month.
Yossarian shot skeet, but never hit any. *ppleby shot skeet and never missed. Yossarian was
as bad at shooting skeet as he was at gambling. He could never win money gambling either.
>ven when he cheated he couldn't win, because the people he cheated against were always
better at cheating too. (hese were two disappointments to which he had resigned himsel#; he
would never be a skeet shooter, and he would never make money.
'&t takes brains not to make money,' 0olonel 0argill wrote in one o# the homiletic memoranda
he regularly prepared #or circulation over )eneral 5eckem's signature. '*ny #ool can make
money these days and most o# them do. $ut what about people with talent and brains 7ame,
#or e'ample, one poet who makes money.'
'(. 6. >liot,' e'/5.9.0. Wintergreen said in his mail/sorting cubicle at (wenty/seventh *ir
9orce Head"uarters, and slammed down the telephone without identi#ying himsel#.
0olonel 0argill, in 1ome, was perple'ed.
'Who was it' asked )eneral 5eckem.
'& don't know,' 0olonel 0argill replied.
'What did he want'
'& don't know.'
'Well, what did he say'
'?(. 6. >liot?,' 0olonel 0argill in#ormed him.
'What's that'
'?(. 6. >liot?,' 0olonel 0argill repeated.
'Just ?(. 6. @?'
'Yes, sir. (hat's all he said. Just ?(. 6. >liot.?'
'& wonder what it means,' )eneral 5eckem re#lected. 0olonel 0argill wondered, too.
'(. 6. >liot,' )eneral 5eckem mused.
'(. 6. >liot,' 0olonel 0argill echoed with the same #unereal puzzlement.
)eneral 5eckem roused himsel# a#ter a moment with an unctuous and benignant smile. His
e'pression was shrewd and sophisticated. His eyes gleamed maliciously. 'Have someone get
me )eneral !reedle,' he re"uested 0olonel 0argill. '!on't let him know who's calling.'
0olonel 0argill handed him the phone.
'(. 6. >liot,' )eneral 5eckem said, and hung up.
'Who was it' asked 0olonel .oodus.
)eneral !reedle, in 0orsica, did not reply. 0olonel .oodus was )eneral !reedle's son/in/
law, and )eneral !reedle, at the insistence o# his wi#e and against his own better judgment,
had taken him into the military business. )eneral !reedle gazed at 0olonel .oodus with level
hatred. He detested the very sight o# his son/in/law, who was his aide and there#ore in
constant attendance upon him. He had opposed his daughter's marriage to 0olonel .oodus
because he disliked attending weddings. Wearing a menacing and preoccupied scowl, )eneral
!reedle moved to the #ull/length mirror in his o##ice and stared at his stocky re#lection. He
had a grizzled, broad/browed head with iron/gray tu#ts over his eyes and a blunt and
belligerent jaw. He brooded in ponderous speculation over the cryptic message he had just
received. 6lowly his #ace so#tened with an idea, and he curled his lips with wicked pleasure.
')et 5eckem,' he told 0olonel .oodus. '!on't let the bastard know who's calling.'
'Who was it' asked 0olonel 0argill, back in 1ome.
'(hat same person,' )eneral 5eckem replied with a de#inite trace o# alarm. '7ow he's a#ter me.'
'What did he want'
'& don't know.'
'What did he say'
'(he same thing.'
'?(. 6. >liot?'
'Yes, ?(. 6. >liot.? (hat's all he said.' )eneral 5eckem had a hope#ul thought. '5erhaps it's a
new code or something, like the colors o# the day. Why don't you have someone check with
0ommunications and see i# it's a new code or something or the colors o# the day'
0ommunications answered that (. 6. >liot was not a new code or the colors o# the day.
0olonel 0argill had the ne't idea. '.aybe & ought to phone (wenty/seventh *ir 9orce
Head"uarters and see i# they know anything about it. (hey have a clerk up there named
Wintergreen &'m pretty close to. He's the one who tipped me o## that our prose was too proli'.'
>'/5.9.0. Wintergreen told 0argill that there was no record at (wenty/seventh *ir 9orce
Head"uarters o# a (. 6. >liot.
'How's our prose these days' 0olonel 0argill decided to in"uire while he had e'/5.9.0.
Wintergreen on the phone. '&t's much better now, isn't it'
'&t's still too proli',' e'/5.9.0. Wintergreen replied.
'&t wouldn't surprise me i# )eneral !reedle were behind the whole thing,' )eneral 5eckem
con#essed at last. '1emember what he did to that skeet/shooting range'
)eneral !reedle had thrown open 0olonel 0athcart's private skeet/shooting range to every
o##icer and enlisted man in the group on combat duty. )eneral !reedle wanted his men to
spend as much time out on the skeet/shooting range as the #acilities and their #light schedule
would allow. 6hooting skeet eight hours a month was e'cellent training #or them. &t trained
them to shoot skeet.
!unbar loved shooting skeet because he hated every minute o# it and the time passed so
slowly. He had #igured out that a single hour on the skeet/shooting range with people like
Havermeyer and *ppleby could be worth as much as eleven/times/seventeen years.
'& think you're crazy,' was the way 0levinger had responded to !unbar's discovery.
'Who wants to know' !unbar answered.
'& mean it,' 0levinger insisted.
'Who cares' !unbar answered.
'& really do. &'ll even go so #ar as to concede that li#e seems longer & @'
'@ is longer & @'
'@ is longer @ Is longer *ll right, is longer i# it's #illed with periods o# boredom and
discom#ort, b @'
')uess how #ast' !unbar said suddenly.
'Huh'
'(hey go,' !unbar e'plained.
'Years.'
'Years.'
'Years,' said !unbar. 'Years, years, years.'
'0levinger, why don't you let !unbar alone' Yossarian broke in. '!on't you realize the toll
this is taking'
'&t's all right,' said !unbar magnanimously. '& have some decades to spare. !o you know how
long a year takes when it's going away'
'*nd you shut up also,' Yossarian told %rr, who had begun to snigger.
'& was just thinking about that girl,' %rr said. '(hat girl in 6icily. (hat girl in 6icily with the
bald head.'
'You'd better shut up also,' Yossarian warned him.
'&t's your #ault,' !unbar said to Yossarian. 'Why don't you let him snigger i# he wants to &t's
better than having him talking.'
'*ll right. )o ahead and snigger i# you want to.'
'!o you know how long a year takes when it's going away' !unbar repeated to 0levinger.
'(his long.' He snapped his #ingers. '* second ago you were stepping into college with your
lungs #ull o# #resh air. (oday you're an old man.'
'%ld' asked 0levinger with surprise. 'What are you talking about'
'%ld.'
'&'m not old.'
'You're inches away #rom death every time you go on a mission. How much older can you be
at your age * hal# minute be#ore that you were stepping into high school, and an unhooked
brassiere was as close as you ever hoped to get to 5aradise. %nly a #i#th o# a second be#ore
that you were a small kid with a ten/week summer vacation that lasted a hundred thousand
years and still ended too soon. Aip: (hey go rocketing by so #ast. How the hell else are you
ever going to slow time down' !unbar was almost angry when he #inished.
'Well, maybe it is true,' 0levinger conceded unwillingly in a subdued tone. '.aybe a long li#e
does have to be #illed with many unpleasant conditions i# it's to seem long. $ut in that event,
who wants one'
'& do,' !unbar told him.
'Why' 0levinger asked.
'What else is there'
Chief White Halfoat
!oc !aneeka lived in a splotched gray tent with 0hie# White Hal#oat, whom he #eared and
despised.
'& can just picture his liver,' !oc !aneeka grumbled.
'5icture my liver,' Yossarian advised him.
'(here's nothing wrong with your liver.'
'(hat shows how much you don't know,' Yossarian blu##ed, and told !oc !aneeka about the
troublesome pain in his liver that had troubled 7urse !uckett and 7urse 0ramer and all the
doctors in the hospital because it wouldn't become jaundice and wouldn't go away.
!oc !aneeka wasn't interested. 'You think you've got troubles' he wanted to know. 'What
about me You should've been in my o##ice the day those newlyweds walked in.'
'What newlyweds'
'(hose newlyweds that walked into my o##ice one day. !idn't & ever tell you about them 6he
was lovely.'
6o was !oc !aneeka's o##ice. He had decorated his waiting room with gold#ish and one o# the
#inest suites o# cheap #urniture. Whatever he could he bought on credit, even the gold#ish. 9or
the rest, he obtained money #rom greedy relatives in e'change #or shares o# the pro#its. His
o##ice was in 6taten &sland in a two/#amily #iretrap just #our blocks away #rom the #erry stop
and only one block south o# a supermarket, three beauty parlors, and two corrupt druggists. &t
was a corner location, but nothing helped. 5opulation turnover was small, and people clung
through habit to the same physicians they had been doing business with #or years. $ills piled
up rapidly, and he was soon #aced with the loss o# his most precious medical instruments; his
adding machine was repossessed, and then his typewriter. (he gold#ish died. 9ortunately, just
when things were blackest, the war broke out.
'&t was a godsend,' !oc !aneeka con#essed solemnly. '.ost o# the other doctors were soon in
the service, and things picked up overnight. (he corner location really started paying o##, and
& soon #ound mysel# handling more patients than & could handle competently. & upped my
kickback #ee with those two drugstores. (he beauty parlors were good #or two, three abortions
a week. (hings couldn't have been better, and then look what happened. (hey had to send a
guy #rom the dra#t board around to look me over. & was 9our/9. & had e'amined mysel# pretty
thoroughly and discovered that & was un#it #or military service. You'd think my word would
be enough, wouldn't you, since & was a doctor in good standing with my county medical
society and with my local $etter $usiness $ureau. $ut no, it wasn't, and they sent this guy
around just to make sure & really did have one leg amputated at the hip and was helplessly
bedridden with incurable rheumatoid arthritis. Yossarian, we live in an age o# distrust and
deteriorating spiritual values. &t's a terrible thing,' !oc !aneeka protested in a voice "uavering
with strong emotion. '&t's a terrible thing when even the word o# a licensed physician is
suspected by the country he loves.'
!oc !aneeka had been dra#ted and shipped to 5ianosa as a #light surgeon, even though he was
terri#ied o# #lying.
'& don't have to go looking #or trouble in an airplane,' he noted, blinking his beady, brown,
o##ended eyes myopically. '&t comes looking #or me. =ike that virgin &'m telling you about that
couldn't have a baby.'
'What virgin' Yossarian asked. '& thought you were telling me about some newlyweds.'
'(hat's the virgin &'m telling you about. (hey were just a couple o# young kids, and they'd been
married, oh, a little over a year when they came walking into my o##ice without an
appointment. You should have seen her. 6he was so sweet and young and pretty. 6he even
blushed when & asked about her periods. & don't think &'ll ever stop loving that girl. 6he was
built like a dream and wore a chain around her neck with a medal o# 6aint *nthony hanging
down inside the most beauti#ul bosom & never saw. ?&t must be a terrible temptation #or 6aint
*nthony,? & joked @ just to put her at ease, you know. ?6aint *nthony? her husband said.
?Who's 6aint *nthony? ?*sk your wi#e,? & told him. ?6he can tell you who 6aint *nthony
is.? ?Who is 6aint *nthony? he asked her. ?Who? she wanted to know. ?6aint *nthony,? he
told her. ?6aint *nthony? she said. ?Who's 6aint *nthony? When & got a good look at her
inside my e'amination room & #ound she was still a virgin. & spoke to her husband alone while
she was pulling her girdle back on and hooking it onto her stockings. ?>very night,? he
boasted. * real wise guy, you know. ?& never miss a night,? he boasted. He meant it, too. ?&
even been puttin' it to her mornings be#ore the break#asts she makes me be#ore we go to
work,? he boasted. (here was only one e'planation. When & had them both together again &
gave them a demonstration o# intercourse with the rubber models &'ve got in my o##ice. &'ve
got these rubber models in my o##ice with all the reproductive organs o# both se'es that & keep
locked up in separate cabinets to avoid a scandal. & mean & used to have them. & don't have
anything any more, not even a practice. (he only thing & have now is this low temperature that
&'m really starting to worry about. (hose two kids &'ve got working #or me in the medical tent
aren't worth a damn as diagnosticians. *ll they know how to do is complain. (hey think
they've got troubles What about me (hey should have been in my o##ice that day with those
two newlyweds looking at me as though & were telling them something nobody'd ever heard
o# be#ore. You never saw anybody so interested. ?You mean like this? he asked me, and
worked the models #or himsel# awhile. You know, & can see where a certain type o# person
might get a big kick out o# doing just that. ?(hat's it,? & told him. ?7ow, you go home and try
it my way #or a #ew months and see what happens. %kay? ?%kay,? they said, and paid me in
cash without any argument. ?Have a good time,? & told them, and they thanked me and walked
out together. He had his arm around her waist as though he couldn't wait to get her home and
put it to her again. * #ew days later he came back all by himsel# and told my nurse he had to
see me right away. *s soon as we were alone, he punched me in the nose.'
'He did what'
'He called me a wise guy and punched me in the nose. ?What are you, a wise guy? he said,
and knocked me #lat on my ass. 5ow: Just like that. &'m not kidding.'
'& know you're not kidding,' Yossarian said. '$ut why did he do it'
'How should & know why he did it' !oc !aneeka retorted with annoyance.
'.aybe it had something to do with 6aint *nthony'
!oc !aneeka looked at Yossarian blankly. '6aint *nthony' he asked with astonishment.
'Who's 6aint *nthony'
'How should & know' answered 0hie# White Hal#oat, staggering inside the tent just then with
a bottle o# whiskey cradled in his arm and sitting himsel# down pugnaciously between the two
o# them.
!oc !aneeka rose without a word and moved his chair outside the tent, his back bowed by the
compact kit o# injustices that was his perpetual burden. He could not bear the company o# his
roommate.
0hie# White Hal#oat thought he was crazy. '& don't know what's the matter with that guy,' he
observed reproach#ully. 'He's got no brains, that's what's the matter with him. &# he had any
brains he'd grab a shovel and start digging. 1ight here in the tent, he'd start digging, right
under my cot. He'd strike oil in no time. !on't he know how that enlisted man struck oil with
a shovel back in the 6tates !idn't he ever hear what happened to that kid @ what was the
name o# that rotten rat bastard pimp o# a snotnose back in 0olorado'
'Wintergreen.'
'Wintergreen.'
'He's a#raid,' Yossarian e'plained.
'%h, no. 7ot Wintergreen.' 0hie# White Hal#oat shook his head with undisguised admiration.
'(hat stinking little punk wise/guy son o# a bitch ain't a#raid o# nobody.'
'!oc !aneeka's a#raid. (hat's what's the matter with him.'
'What's he a#raid o#'
'He's a#raid o# you,' Yossarian said. 'He's a#raid you're going to die o# pneumonia.'
'He'd better be a#raid,' 0hie# White Hal#oat said. * deep, low laugh rumbled through his
massive chest. '& will, too, the #irst chance & get. You just wait and see.'
0hie# White Hal#oat was a handsome, swarthy &ndian #rom %klahoma with a heavy, hard/
boned #ace and tousled black hair, a hal#/blooded 0ree #rom >nid who, #or occult reasons o#
his own, had made up his mind to die o# pneumonia. He was a glowering, venge#ul,
disillusioned &ndian who hated #oreigners with names like 0athcart, 8orn, $lack and
Havermeyer and wished they'd all go back to where their lousy ancestors had come #rom.
'You wouldn't believe it, Yossarian,' he ruminated, raising his voice deliberately to bait !oc
!aneeka, 'but this used to be a pretty good country to live in be#ore they loused it up with
their goddam piety.'
0hie# White Hal#oat was out to revenge himsel# upon the white man. He could barely read or
write and had been assigned to 0aptain $lack as assistant intelligence o##icer.
'How could & learn to read or write' 0hie# White Hal#oat demanded with simulated
belligerence, raising his voice again so that !oc !aneeka would hear. '>very place we pitched
our tent, they sank an oil well. >very time they sank a well, they hit oil. *nd every time they
hit oil, they made us pack up our tent and go someplace else. We were human divining rods.
%ur whole #amily had a natural a##inity #or petroleum deposits, and soon every oil company in
the world had technicians chasing us around. We were always on the move. &t was one hell o#
a way to bring a child up, & can tell you. & don't think & ever spent more than a week in one
place.'
His earliest memory was o# a geologist.
'>very time another White Hal#oat was born,' he continued, 'the stock market turned bullish.
6oon whole drilling crews were #ollowing us around with all their e"uipment just to get the
jump on each other. 0ompanies began to merge just so they could cut down on the number o#
people they had to assign to us. $ut the crowd in back o# us kept growing. We never got a
good night's sleep. When we stopped, they stopped. When we moved, they moved,
chuckwagons, bulldozers, derricks, generators. We were a walking business boom, and we
began to receive invitations #rom some o# the best hotels just #or the amount o# business we
would drag into town with us. 6ome o# those invitations were mighty generous, but we
couldn't accept any because we were &ndians and all the best hotels that were inviting us
wouldn't accept &ndians as guests. 1acial prejudice is a terrible thing, Yossarian. &t really is.
&t's a terrible thing to treat a decent, loyal &ndian like a nigger, kike, wop or spic.' 0hie# White
Hal#oat nodded slowly with conviction.
'(hen, Yossarian, it #inally happened @ the beginning o# the end. (hey began to #ollow us
around #rom in #ront. (hey would try to guess where we were going to stop ne't and would
begin drilling be#ore we even got there, so we couldn't stop. *s soon as we'd begin to unroll
our blankets, they would kick us o##. (hey had con#idence in us. (hey wouldn't even wait to
strike oil be#ore they kicked us o##. We were so tired we almost didn't care the day our time
ran out. %ne morning we #ound ourselves completely surrounded by oilmen waiting #or us to
come their way so they could kick us o##. >verywhere you looked there was an oilman on a
ridge, waiting there like &ndians getting ready to attack. &t was the end. We couldn't stay
where we were because we had just been kicked o##. *nd there was no place le#t #or us to go.
%nly the *rmy saved me. =uckily, the war broke out just in the nick o# time, and a dra#t board
picked me right up out o# the middle and put me down sa#ely in =owery 9ield, 0olorado. &
was the only survivor.'
Yossarian knew he was lying, but did not interrupt as 0hie# White Hal#oat went on to claim
that he had never heard #rom his parents again. (hat didn't bother him too much, though, #or
he had only their word #or it that they were his parents, and since they had lied to him about
so many other things, they could just as well have been lying to him about that too. He was
much better ac"uainted with the #ate o# a tribe o# #irst cousins who had wandered away north
in a diversionary movement and pushed inadvertently into 0anada. When they tried to return,
they were stopped at the border by *merican immigration authorities who would not let them
back into the country. (hey could not come back in because they were red.
&t was a horrible joke, but !oc !aneeka didn't laugh until Yossarian came to him one mission
later and pleaded again, without any real e'pectation o# success, to be grounded. !oc
!aneeka snickered once and was soon immersed in problems o# his own, which included
0hie# White Hal#oat, who had been challenging him all that morning to &ndian wrestle, and
Yossarian, who decided right then and there to go crazy.
'You're wasting your time,' !oc !aneeka was #orced to tell him.
'0an't you ground someone who's crazy'
'%h, sure. & have to. (here's a rule saying & have to ground anyone who's crazy.'
'(hen why don't you ground me &'m crazy. *sk 0levinger.'
'0levinger Where is 0levinger You #ind 0levinger and &'ll ask him.'
'(hen ask any o# the others. (hey'll tell you how crazy & am.'
'(hey're crazy.'
'(hen why don't you ground them'
'Why don't they ask me to ground them'
'$ecause they're crazy, that's why.'
'%# course they're crazy,' !oc !aneeka replied. '& just told you they're crazy, didn't & *nd you
can't let crazy people decide whether you're crazy or not, can you'
Yossarian looked at him soberly and tried another approach. '&s %rr crazy'
'He sure is,' !oc !aneeka said.
'0an you ground him'
'& sure can. $ut #irst he has to ask me to. (hat's part o# the rule.'
'(hen why doesn't he ask you to'
'$ecause he's crazy,' !oc !aneeka said. 'He has to be crazy to keep #lying combat missions
a#ter all the close calls he's had. 6ure, & can ground %rr. $ut #irst he has to ask me to.'
'(hat's all he has to do to be grounded'
'(hat's all. =et him ask me.'
'*nd then you can ground him' Yossarian asked.
'7o. (hen & can't ground him.'
'You mean there's a catch'
'6ure there's a catch,' !oc !aneeka replied. '0atch/--. *nyone who wants to get out o#
combat duty isn't really crazy.'
(here was only one catch and that was 0atch/--, which speci#ied that a concern #or one's own
sa#ety in the #ace o# dangers that were real and immediate was the process o# a rational mind.
%rr was crazy and could be grounded. *ll he had to do was askB and as soon as he did, he
would no longer be crazy and would have to #ly more missions. %rr would be crazy to #ly
more missions and sane i# he didn't, but i# he was sane he had to #ly them. &# he #lew them he
was crazy and didn't have toB but i# he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was
moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity o# this clause o# 0atch/-- and let out a
respect#ul whistle.
'(hat's some catch, that 0atch/--,' he observed.
'&t's the best there is,' !oc !aneeka agreed.
Yossarian saw it clearly in all its spinning reasonableness. (here was an elliptical precision
about its per#ect pairs o# parts that was grace#ul and shocking, like good modern art, and at
times Yossarian wasn't "uite sure that he saw it at all, just the way he was never "uite sure
about good modern art or about the #lies %rr saw in *ppleby's eyes. He had %rr's word to take
#or the #lies in *ppleby's eyes.
'%h, they're there, all right,' %rr had assured him about the #lies in *ppleby's eyes a#ter
Yossarian's #ist #ight with *ppleby in the o##icers' club, 'although he probably doesn't even
know it. (hat's why he can't see things as they really are.'
'How come he doesn't know it' in"uired Yossarian.
'$ecause he's got #lies in his eyes,' %rr e'plained with e'aggerated patience. 'How can he see
he's got #lies in his eyes i# he's got #lies in his eyes'
&t made as much sense as anything else, and Yossarian was willing to give %rr the bene#it o#
the doubt because %rr was #rom the wilderness outside 7ew York 0ity and knew so much
more about wildli#e than Yossarian did, and because %rr, unlike Yossarian's mother, #ather,
sister, brother, aunt, uncle, in/law, teacher, spiritual leader, legislator, neighbor and
newspaper, had never lied to him about anything crucial be#ore. Yossarian had mulled his
new#ound knowledge about *ppleby over in private #or a day or two and then decided, as a
good deed, to pass the word along to *ppleby himsel#.
'*ppleby, you've got #lies in your eyes,' he whispered help#ully as they passed by each other
in the doorway o# the parachute tent on the day o# the weekly milk run to 5arma.
'What' *ppleby responded sharply, thrown into con#usion by the #act that Yossarian had
spoken to him at all.
'You've got #lies in your eyes,' Yossarian repeated. '(hat's probably why you can't see them.'
*ppleby retreated #rom Yossarian with a look o# loathing bewilderment and sulked in silence
until he was in the jeep with Havermeyer riding down the long, straight road to the brie#ing
room, where .ajor !anby, the #idgeting group operations o##icer, was waiting to conduct the
preliminary brie#ing with all the lead pilots, bombardiers and navigators. *ppleby spoke in a
so#t voice so that he would not be heard by the driver or by 0aptain $lack, who was stretched
out with his eyes closed in the #ront seat o# the jeep.
'Havermeyer,' he asked hesitantly. 'Have & got #lies in my eyes'
Havermeyer blinked "uizzically. '6ties' he asked.
'7o, #lies,' he was told.
Havermeyer blinked again. '9lies'
'&n my eyes.'
'You must be crazy,' Havermeyer said.
'7o, &'m not crazy. Yossarian's crazy. Just tell me i# &'ve got #lies in my eyes or not. )o ahead.
& can take it.'
Havermeyer popped another piece o# peanut brittle into his mouth and peered very closely
into *ppleby's eyes.
'& don't see any,' he announced.
*ppleby heaved an immense sigh o# relie#. Havermeyer had tiny bits o# peanut brittle
adhering to his lips, chin and cheeks.
'You've got peanut brittle crumbs on your #ace,' *ppleby remarked to him.
'&'d rather have peanut brittle crumbs on my #ace than #lies in my eyes,' Havermeyer retorted.
(he o##icers o# the other #ive planes in each #light arrived in trucks #or the general brie#ing
that took place thirty minutes later. (he three enlisted men in each crew were not brie#ed at
all, but were carried directly out on the air#ield to the separate planes in which they were
scheduled to #ly that day, where they waited around with the ground crew until the o##icers
with whom they had been scheduled to #ly swung o## the rattling tailgates o# the trucks
delivering them and it was time to climb aboard and start up. >ngines rolled over disgruntedly
on lollipop/shaped hardstands, resisting #irst, then idling smoothly awhile, and then the planes
lumbered around and nosed #orward lamely over the pebbled ground like sightless, stupid,
crippled things until they ta'ied into the line at the #oot o# the landing strip and took o##
swi#tly, one behind the other, in a zooming, rising roar, banking slowly into #ormation over
mottled treetops, and circling the #ield at even speed until all the #lights o# si' had been
#ormed and then setting course over cerulean water on the #irst leg o# the journey to the target
in northern &taly or 9rance. (he planes gained altitude steadily and were above nine thousand
#eet by the time they crossed into enemy territory. %ne o# the surprising things always was the
sense o# calm and utter silence, broken only by the test rounds #ired #rom the machine guns,
by an occasional toneless, terse remark over the intercom, and, at last, by the sobering
pronouncement o# the bombardier in each plane that they were at the &.5. and about to turn
toward the target. (here was always sunshine, always a tiny sticking in the throat #rom the
rare#ied air.
(he $/-Cs they #lew in were stable, dependable, dull/green ships with twin rudders and
engines and wide wings. (heir single #ault, #rom where Yossarian sat as a bombardier, was
the tight crawlway separating the bombardier's compartment in the ple'iglass nose #rom the
nearest escape hatch. (he crawlway was a narrow, s"uare, cold tunnel hollowed out beneath
the #light controls, and a large man like Yossarian could s"ueeze through only with di##iculty.
* chubby, moon/#aced navigator with little reptilian eyes and a pipe like *ar#y's had trouble,
too, and Yossarian used to chase him back #rom the nose as they turned toward the target,
now minutes away. (here was a time o# tension then, a time o# waiting with nothing to hear
and nothing to see and nothing to do but wait as the antiaircra#t guns below took aim and
made ready to knock them all sprawling into in#inite sleep i# they could.
(he crawlway was Yossarian's li#eline to outside #rom a plane about to #all, but Yossarian
swore at it with seething antagonism, reviled it as an obstacle put there by providence as part
o# the plot that would destroy him. (here was room #or an additional escape hatch right there
in the nose o# a $/-C, but there was no escape hatch. &nstead there was the crawlway, and
since the mess on the mission over *vignon he had learned to detest every mammoth inch o#
it, #or it slung him seconds and seconds away #rom his parachute, which was too bulky to be
taken up #ront with him, and seconds and seconds more a#ter that away #rom the escape hatch
on the #loor between the rear o# the elevated #light deck and the #eet o# the #aceless top turret
gunner mounted high above. Yossarian longed to be where *ar#y could be once Yossarian
had chased him back #rom the noseB Yossarian longed to sit on the #loor in a huddled ball
right on top o# the escape hatch inside a sheltering igloo o# e'tra #lak suits that he would have
been happy to carry along with him, his parachute already hooked to his harness where it
belonged, one #ist clenching the red/handled rip cord, one #ist gripping the emergency hatch
release that would spill him earthward into the air at the #irst dread#ul s"ueal o# destruction.
(hat was where he wanted to be i# he had to be there at all, instead o# hung out there in #ront
like some goddam cantilevered gold#ish in some goddam cantilevered gold#ish bowl while the
goddam #oul black tiers o# #lak were bursting and booming and billowing all around and
above and below him in a climbing, cracking, staggered, banging, phantasmagorical,
cosmological wickedness that jarred and tossed and shivered, clattered and pierced, and
threatened to annihilate them all in one splinter o# a second in one vast #lash o# #ire.
*ar#y had been no use to Yossarian as a navigator or as anything else, and Yossarian drove
him back #rom the nose vehemently each time so that they would not clutter up each other's
way i# they had to scramble suddenly #or sa#ety. %nce Yossarian had driven him back #rom
the nose, *ar#y was #ree to cower on the #loor where Yossarian longed to cower, but he stood
bolt upright instead with his stumpy arms resting com#ortably on the backs o# the pilot's and
co/pilot's seats, pipe in hand, making a##able small talk to .cWatt and whoever happened to
be co/pilot and pointing out amusing trivia in the sky to the two men, who were too busy to be
interested. .cWatt was too busy responding at the controls to Yossarian's strident instructions
as Yossarian slipped the plane in on the bomb run and then whipped them all away violently
around the ravenous pillars o# e'ploding shells with curt, shrill, obscene commands to
.cWatt that were much like the anguished, entreating nightmare yelpings o# Hungry Joe in
the dark. *ar#y would pu## re#lectively on his pipe throughout the whole chaotic clash, gazing
with unru##led curiosity at the war through .cWatt's window as though it were a remote
disturbance that could not a##ect him. *ar#y was a dedicated #raternity man who loved
cheerleading and class reunions and did not have brains enough to be a#raid. Yossarian did
have brains enough and was, and the only thing that stopped him #rom abandoning his post
under #ire and scurrying back through the crawlway like a yellow/bellied rat was his
unwillingness to entrust the evasive action out o# the target area to anybody else. (here was
nobody else in the world he would honor with so great a responsibility. (here was nobody
else he knew who was as big a coward. Yossarian was the best man in the group at evasive
action, but had no idea why.
(here was no established procedure #or evasive action. *ll you needed was #ear, and
Yossarian had plenty o# that, more #ear than %rr or Hungry Joe, more #ear than !unbar, who
had resigned himsel# submissively to the idea that he must die someday. Yossarian had not
resigned himsel# to that idea, and he bolted #or his li#e wildly on each mission the instant his
bombs were away, hollering, 'Hard, hard, hard, hard, ou bastard, hard!' at .cWatt and
hating .cWatt viciously all the time as though .cWatt were to blame #or their being up there
at all to be rubbed out by strangers, and everybody else in the plane kept o## the intercom,
e'cept #or the piti#ul time o# the mess on the mission to *vignon when !obbs went crazy in
mid/air and began weeping pathetically #or help.
'Help him, help him,' !obbs sobbed. 'Help him, help him.'
'Help who Help who' called back Yossarian, once he had plugged his headset back into the
intercom system, a#ter it had been jerked out when !obbs wrested the controls away #rom
Huple and hurled them all down suddenly into the dea#ening, paralyzing, horri#ying dive
which had plastered Yossarian helplessly to the ceiling o# the plane by the top o# his head and
#rom which Huple had rescued them just in time by seizing the controls back #rom !obbs and
leveling the ship out almost as suddenly right back in the middle o# the bu##eting layer o#
cacophonous #lak #rom which they had escaped success#ully only a moment be#ore. Oh, "od!
Oh, "od, oh, "od, Yossarian had been pleading wordlessly as he dangled #rom the ceiling o#
the nose o# the ship by the top o# his head, unable to move.
'(he bombardier, the bombardier,' !obbs answered in a cry when Yossarian spoke. 'He
doesn't answer, he doesn't answer. Help the bombardier, help the bombardier.'
'&'m the bombardier,' Yossarian cried back at him. '&'m the bombardier. &'m all right. &'m all
right.'
'(hen help him, help him,' !obbs begged. 'Help him, help him.'
*nd 6nowden lay dying in back.
Hungry Joe
Hungry Joe did ha$e fifty missions, !ut they .ere no help" He had his !ags
pa%'ed and .as .aiting again to go home" +t night he had eerie, ear9
splitting nightmares that 'ept e$eryone in the s2uadron a.a'e !ut Huple,
the fifteen9year9old pilot .ho had lied a!out his age to get into the +rmy and
li$ed .ith his pet %at in the same tent .ith Hungry Joe" Huple .as a light
sleeper, !ut %laimed he ne$er heard Hungry Joe s%ream" Hungry Joe .as
si%'"
1So .hat51 -o% -anee'a snarled resentfully" 1# had it made, # tell you" 7ifty
grand a year # .as 'no%'ing do.n, and almost all of it ta49free, sin%e #
made my %ustomers pay me in %ash" # had the strongest trade asso%iation
in the .orld !a%'ing me up" +nd loo' .hat happened" Just .hen # .as all
set to really start stashing it a.ay, they had to manufa%ture fas%ism and
start a .ar horri!le enough to affe%t e$en me" # gotta laugh .hen # hear
someone li'e Hungry Joe s%reaming his !rains out e$ery night" # really gotta
laugh" He's si%'5 Ho. does he thin' # feel51
Hungry Joe .as too firmly em!edded in %alamities of his o.n to %are ho.
-o% -anee'a felt" There .ere the noises, for instan%e" Small ones enraged
him and he hollered himself hoarse at +arfy for the .et, su%'ing sounds he
made puffing on his pipe, at (rr for tin'ering, at M%;att for the e4plosi$e
snap he ga$e ea%h %ard he turned o$er .hen he dealt at !la%'/a%' or
po'er, at -o!!s for letting his teeth %hatter as he .ent !lundering %lumsily
a!out !umping into things" Hungry Joe .as a thro!!ing, ragged mass of
motile irrita!ility" The steady ti%'ing of a .at%h in a 2uiet room %rashed li'e
torture against his unshielded !rain"
1&isten, 'id,1 he e4plained harshly to Huple $ery late one e$ening, 1if you
.ant to li$e in this tent, you1$e got to do li'e # do" )ou1$e got to roll your
.rist .at%h up in a pair of .ool so%'s e$ery night and 'eep it on the !ottom
of your foot lo%'er on the other side of the room"1
Huple thrust his /a. out defiantly to let Hungry Joe 'no. he %ouldn1t !e
pushed around and then did e4a%tly as he had !een told"
Hungry Joe .as a /umpy, ema%iated .ret%h .ith a fleshless fa%e of dingy
s'in and !one and t.it%hing $eins s2uirming su!%utaneously in the
!la%'ened hollo.s !ehind his eyes li'e se$ered se%tions of sna'e" #t .as a
desolate, %ratered fa%e, sooty .ith %are li'e an a!andoned mining to.n"
Hungry Joe ate $ora%iously, gna.ed in%essantly at the tips of his fingers,
stammered, %ho'ed, it%hed, s.eated, sali$ated, and sprang from spot to
spot fanati%ally .ith an intri%ate !la%' %amera .ith .hi%h he .as al.ays
trying to ta'e pi%tures of na'ed girls" They ne$er %ame out" He .as al.ays
forgetting to put film in the %amera or turn on lights or remo$e the %o$er
from the lens opening" #t .asn1t easy persuading na'ed girls to pose, !ut
Hungry Joe had the 'na%'"
1Me !ig man,1 he .ould shout" 1Me !ig photographer from Life maga0ine"
3ig pi%ture on heap !ig %o$er" Si, si, si Holly.ood star" Multi dinero. Multi
di$or%es" Multi fi%'y9fi%' all day long"1
7e. .omen any.here %ould resist su%h .ily %a/olery, and prostitutes .ould
spring to their feet eagerly and hurl themsel$es into .hate$er fantasti%
poses he re2uested for them" ;omen 'illed Hungry Joe" His response to
them as se4ual !eings .as one of fren0ied .orship and idolatry" They .ere
lo$ely, satisfying, maddening manifestations of the mira%ulous, instruments
of pleasure too po.erful to !e measured, too 'een to !e endured, and too
e42uisite to !e intended for employment !y !ase, un.orthy man" He %ould
interpret their na'ed presen%e in his hands only as a %osmi% o$ersight
destined to !e re%tified speedily, and he .as dri$en al.ays to ma'e .hat
%arnal use of them he %ould in the fleeting moment or t.o he felt he had
!efore Someone %aught .ise and .his'ed them a.ay" He %ould ne$er
de%ide .hether to furgle them or photograph them, for he had found it
impossi!le to do !oth simultaneously" #n fa%t, he .as finding it almost
impossi!le to do either, so s%ram!led .ere his po.ers of performan%e !y
the %ompulsi$e need for haste that in$aria!ly possessed him" The pi%tures
ne$er %ame out, and Hungry Joe ne$er got in" The odd thing .as that in
%i$ilian life Hungry Joe really had !een a photographer for Life maga0ine"
He .as a hero no., the !iggest hero the +ir 7or%e had, )ossarian felt, for
he had flo.n more %om!at tours of duty than any other hero the +ir 7or%e
had" He had flo.n si4 %om!at tours of duty" Hungry Joe had finished flying
his first %om!at tour of duty .hen t.enty9fi$e missions .ere all that .ere
ne%essary for him to pa%' his !ags, .rite happy letters home and !egin
hounding Sergeant To.ser humorously for the arri$al of the orders rotating
him !a%' to the States" ;hile he .aited, he spent ea%h day shuffling
rhythmi%ally around the entran%e of the operations tent, ma'ing !oisterous
.ise%ra%'s to e$ery!ody .ho %ame !y and /o%osely %alling Sergeant
To.ser a lousy son of a !it%h e$ery time Sergeant To.ser popped out of
the orderly room"
Hungry Joe had finished flying his first t.enty9fi$e missions during the .ee'
of the Salerno !ea%hhead, .hen )ossarian .as laid up in the hospital .ith
a !urst of %lap he had %aught on a lo.9le$el mission o$er a ;a% in !ushes
on a supply flight to Marra'e%h" )ossarian did his !est to %at%h up .ith
Hungry Joe and almost did, flying si4 missions in si4 days, !ut his t.enty9
third mission .as to +re00o, .here Colonel ,e$ers .as 'illed, and that .as
as %lose as he had e$er !een a!le to %ome to going home" The ne4t day
Colonel Cath%art .as there, !rimming .ith tough pride in his ne. outfit and
%ele!rating his assumption of %ommand !y raising the num!er of missions
re2uired from t.enty9fi$e to thirty" Hungry Joe unpa%'ed his !ags and
re.rote the happy letters home" He stopped hounding Sergeant To.ser
humorously" He !egan hating Sergeant To.ser, fo%using all !lame upon
him $enomously, e$en though he 'ne. Sergeant To.ser had nothing to do
.ith the arri$al of Colonel Cath%art or the delay in the pro%essing of
shipping orders that might ha$e res%ued him se$en days earlier and fi$e
times sin%e"
Hungry Joe %ould no longer stand the strain of .aiting for shipping orders
and %rum!led promptly into ruin e$ery time he finished another tour of duty"
a%h time he .as ta'en off %om!at status, he ga$e a !ig party for the little
%ir%le of friends he had" He !ro'e out the !ottles of !our!on he had
managed to !uy on his four9day .ee'ly %ir%uits .ith the %ourier plane and
laughed, sang, shuffled and shouted in a festi$al of ine!riated e%stasy until
he %ould no longer 'eep a.a'e and re%eded pea%efully into slum!er" +s
soon as )ossarian, ,ately and -un!ar put him to !ed he !egan s%reaming
in his sleep" #n the morning he stepped from his tent loo'ing haggard,
fearful and guilt9ridden, an eaten shell of a human !uilding ro%'ing
perilously on the !rin' of %ollapse"
The nightmares appeared to Hungry Joe .ith %elestial pun%tuality e$ery
single night he spent in the s2uadron throughout the .hole harro.ing
ordeal .hen he .as not flying %om!at missions and .as .aiting on%e again
for the orders sending him home that ne$er %ame" #mpressiona!le men in
the s2uadron li'e -o!!s and Captain 7lume .ere so deeply distur!ed !y
Hungry Joe1s shrie'ing nightmares that they .ould !egin to ha$e shrie'ing
nightmares of their o.n, and the pier%ing o!s%enities they flung into the air
e$ery night from their separate pla%es in the s2uadron rang against ea%h
other in the dar'ness romanti%ally li'e the mating %alls of song!irds .ith
filthy minds" Colonel >orn a%ted de%isi$ely to arrest .hat seemed to him to
!e the !eginning of an un.holesome trend in Ma/or Ma/or1s s2uadron" The
solution he pro$ided .as to ha$e Hungry Joe fly the %ourier ship on%e a
.ee', remo$ing him from the s2uadron for four nights, and the remedy, li'e
all Colonel >orn1s remedies, .as su%%essful"
$ery time Colonel Cath%art in%reased the num!er of missions and
returned Hungry Joe to %om!at duty, the nightmares stopped and Hungry
Joe settled do.n into a normal state of terror .ith a smile of relief"
)ossarian read Hungry Joe1s shrun'en fa%e li'e a headline" #t .as good
.hen Hungry Joe loo'ed !ad and terri!le .hen Hungry Joe loo'ed good"
Hungry Joe1s in$erted set of responses .as a %urious phenomenon to
e$eryone !ut Hungry Joe, .ho denied the .hole thing stu!!ornly"
1;ho dreams51 he ans.ered, .hen )ossarian as'ed him .hat he dreamed
a!out"
1Joe, .hy don1t you go see -o% -anee'a51 )ossarian ad$ised"
1;hy should # go see -o% -anee'a5 #1m not si%'"1
1;hat a!out your nightmares51
1# don1t ha$e nightmares,1 Hungry Joe lied"
1May!e he %an do something a!out them"1
1There1s nothing .rong .ith nightmares,1 Hungry Joe ans.ered" 1$ery!ody
has nightmares"1
)ossarian thought he had him" 1$ery night51 he as'ed"
1;hy not e$ery night51 Hungry Joe demanded"
+nd suddenly it all made sense" ;hy not e$ery night, indeed5 #t made
sense to %ry out in pain e$ery night" #t made more sense than +pple!y, .ho
.as a sti%'ler for regulations and had ordered >raft to order )ossarian to
ta'e his +ta!rine ta!lets on the flight o$erseas after )ossarian and +pple!y
had stopped tal'ing to ea%h other" Hungry Joe made more sense than
>raft, too, .ho .as dead, dumped un%eremoniously into doom o$er 7errara
!y an e4ploding engine after )ossarian too' his flight of si4 planes in o$er
the target a se%ond time" The group had missed the !ridge at 7errara again
for the se$enth straight day .ith the !om!sight that %ould put !om!s into a
pi%'le !arrel at forty thousand feet, and one .hole .ee' had already
passed sin%e Colonel Cath%art had $olunteered to ha$e his men destroy the
!ridge in t.enty9four hours" >raft .as a s'inny, harmless 'id from
Pennsyl$ania .ho .anted only to !e li'ed, and .as destined to !e
disappointed in e$en so hum!le and degrading an am!ition" #nstead of
!eing li'ed, he .as dead, a !leeding %inder on the !ar!arous pile .hom
no!ody had heard in those last pre%ious moments .hile the plane .ith one
.ing plummeted" He had li$ed inno%uously for a little .hile and then had
gone do.n in flame o$er 7errara on the se$enth day, .hile 6od .as
resting, .hen M%;att turned and )ossarian guided him in o$er the target
on a se%ond !om! run !e%ause +arfy .as %onfused and )ossarian had
!een una!le to drop his !om!s the first time"
1# guess .e do ha$e to go !a%' again, don1t .e51 M%;att had said som!erly
o$er the inter%om"
1# guess .e do,1 said )ossarian"
1-o .e51 said M%;att"
1)eah"1
1(h, .ell,1 sang M%;att, 1.hat the hell"1
+nd !a%' they had gone .hile the planes in the other flights %ir%led safely
off in the distan%e and e$ery %rashing %annon in the Hermann 6oering
-i$ision !elo. .as !usy %rashing shells this time only at them"
Colonel Cath%art had %ourage and ne$er hesitated to $olunteer his men for
any target a$aila!le" ,o target .as too dangerous for his group to atta%',
/ust as no shot .as too diffi%ult for +pple!y to handle on the ping9pong
ta!le" +pple!y .as a good pilot and a superhuman ping9pong player .ith
flies in his eyes .ho ne$er lost a point" T.enty9one ser$es .ere all it e$er
too' for +pple!y to disgra%e another opponent" His pro.ess on the ping9
pong ta!le .as legendary, and +pple!y .on e$ery game he started until
the night (rr got tipsy on gin and /ui%e and smashed open +pple!y1s
forehead .ith his paddle after +pple!y had smashed !a%' ea%h of (rr1s first
fi$e ser$es" (rr leaped on top of the ta!le after hurling his paddle and %ame
sailing off the other end in a running !road /ump .ith !oth feet planted
s2uarely in +pple!y1s fa%e" Pandemonium !ro'e loose" #t too' almost a full
minute for +pple!y to disentangle himself from (rr1s flailing arms and legs
and grope his .ay to his feet, .ith (rr held off the ground !efore him !y the
shirt front in one hand and his other arm dra.n !a%' in a fist to smite him
dead, and at that moment )ossarian stepped for.ard and too' (rr a.ay
from him" #t .as a night of surprises for +pple!y, .ho .as as large as
)ossarian and as strong and .ho s.ung at )ossarian as hard as he %ould
.ith a pun%h that flooded Chief ;hite Halfoat .ith su%h /oyous e4%itement
that he turned and !usted Colonel Moodus in the nose .ith a pun%h that
filled 6eneral -reedle .ith su%h mello. gratifi%ation that he had Colonel
Cath%art thro. the %haplain out of the offi%ers1 %lu! and ordered Chief ;hite
Halfoat mo$ed into -o% -anee'a1s tent, .here he %ould !e under a do%tor1s
%are t.enty9four hours a day and !e 'ept in good enough physi%al %ondition
to !ust Colonel Moodus in the nose again .hene$er 6eneral -reedle
.anted him to" Sometimes 6eneral -reedle made spe%ial trips do.n from
;ing Head2uarters .ith Colonel Moodus and his nurse /ust to ha$e Chief
;hite Halfoat !ust his son9in9la. in the nose"
Chief ;hite Halfoat .ould mu%h rather ha$e remained in the trailer he
shared .ith Captain 7lume, the silent, haunted s2uadron pu!li%9relations
offi%er .ho spent most of ea%h e$ening de$eloping the pi%tures he too'
during the day to !e sent out .ith his pu!li%ity releases" Captain 7lume
spent as mu%h of ea%h e$ening as he %ould .or'ing in his dar'room and
then lay do.n on his %ot .ith his fingers %rossed and a ra!!it1s foot around
his ne%' and tried .ith all his might to stay a.a'e" He li$ed in mortal fear of
Chief ;hite Halfoat" Captain 7lume .as o!sessed .ith the idea that Chief
;hite Halfoat .ould tiptoe up to his %ot one night .hen he .as sound
asleep and slit his throat open for him from ear to ear" Captain 7lume had
o!tained this idea from Chief ;hite Halfoat himself, .ho did tiptoe up to his
%ot one night as he .as do0ing off, to hiss portentously that one night .hen
he, Captain 7lume, .as sound asleep he, Chief ;hite Halfoat, .as going to
slit his throat open for him from ear to ear" Captain 7lume turned to i%e, his
eyes, flung open .ide, staring dire%tly up into Chief ;hite Halfoat1s, glinting
drun'enly only in%hes a.ay"
1;hy51 Captain 7lume managed to %roa' finally"
1;hy not51 .as Chief ;hite Halfoat1s ans.er"
a%h night after that, Captain 7lume for%ed himself to 'eep a.a'e as long
as possi!le" He .as aided immeasura!ly !y Hungry Joe1s nightmares"
&istening so intently to Hungry Joe1s mania%al ho.ling night after night,
Captain 7lume gre. to hate him and !egan .ishing that Chief ;hite
Halfoat .ould tiptoe up to his %ot one night and slit his throat open for him
from ear to ear" +%tually, Captain 7lume slept li'e a log most nights and
merely dreamed he .as a.a'e" So %on$in%ing .ere these dreams of lying
a.a'e that he .o'e from them ea%h morning in %omplete e4haustion and
fell right !a%' to sleep"
Chief ;hite Halfoat had gro.n almost fond of Captain 7lume sin%e his
ama0ing metamorphosis" Captain 7lume had entered his !ed that night a
!uoyant e4tro$ert and left it the ne4t morning a !rooding intro$ert, and Chief
;hite Halfoat proudly regarded the ne. Captain 7lume as his o.n %reation"
He had ne$er intended to slit Captain 7lume1s throat open for him from ear
to ear" Threatening to do so .as merely his idea of a /o'e, li'e dying of
pneumonia, !usting Colonel Moodus in the nose or %hallenging -o%
-anee'a to #ndian .restle" +ll Chief ;hite Halfoat .anted to do .hen he
staggered in drun' ea%h night .as go right to sleep, and Hungry Joe often
made that impossi!le" Hungry Joe1s nightmares ga$e Chief ;hite Halfoat
the hee!ie9/ee!ies, and he often .ished that someone .ould tiptoe into
Hungry Joe1s tent, lift Huple1s %at off his fa%e and slit his throat open for him
from ear to ear, so that e$ery!ody in the s2uadron !ut Captain 7lume %ould
get a good night1s sleep"
$en though Chief ;hite Halfoat 'ept !usting Colonel Moodus in the nose
for 6eneral -reedle1s !enefit, he .as still outside the pale" +lso outside the
pale .as Ma/or Ma/or, the s2uadron %ommander, .ho had found that out
the same time he found out that he .as s2uadron %ommander from Colonel
Cath%art, .ho %ame !lasting into the s2uadron in his hopped9up /eep the
day after Ma/or -uluth .as 'illed o$er Perugia" Colonel Cath%art slammed
to a s%ree%hing stop in%hes short of the railroad dit%h separating the nose of
his /eep from the lopsided !as'et!all %ourt on the other side, from .hi%h
Ma/or Ma/or .as e$entually dri$en !y the 'i%'s and sho$es and stones and
pun%hes of the men .ho had almost !e%ome his friends"
1)ou1re the ne. s2uadron %ommander,1 Colonel Cath%art had !ello.ed
a%ross the dit%h at him" 13ut don1t thin' it means anything, !e%ause it
doesn1t" +ll it means is that you1re the ne. s2uadron %ommander"1
+nd Colonel Cath%art had roared a.ay as a!ruptly as he1d %ome, .hipping
the /eep around .ith a $i%ious spinning of .heels that sent a spray of fine
grit !lo.ing into Ma/or Ma/or1s fa%e" Ma/or Ma/or .as immo!ili0ed !y the
ne.s" He stood spee%hless, lan'y and ga.'ing, .ith a s%uffed !as'et!all in
his long hands as the seeds of ran%or so.n so s.iftly !y Colonel Cath%art
too' root in the soldiers around him .ho had !een playing !as'et!all .ith
him and .ho had let him %ome as %lose to ma'ing friends .ith them as
anyone had e$er let him %ome !efore" The .hites of his moony eyes gre.
large and misty as his mouth struggled yearningly and lost against the
familiar, impregna!le loneliness drifting in around him again li'e suffo%ating
fog"
&i'e all the other offi%ers at 6roup Head2uarters e4%ept Ma/or -an!y,
Colonel Cath%art .as infused .ith the demo%rati% spirit@ he !elie$ed that all
men .ere %reated e2ual, and he therefore spurned all men outside 6roup
Head2uarters .ith e2ual fer$or" ,e$ertheless, he !elie$ed in his men" +s
he told them fre2uently in the !riefing room, he !elie$ed they .ere at least
ten missions !etter than any other outfit and felt that any .ho did not share
this %onfiden%e he had pla%ed in them %ould get the hell out" The only .ay
they %ould get the hell out, though, as )ossarian learned .hen he fle. to
$isit e49P"7"C" ;intergreen, .as !y flying the e4tra ten missions"
1# still don1t get it,1 )ossarian protested" 1#s -o% -anee'a right or isn1t he51
1Ho. many did he say51
17orty"1
1-anee'a .as telling the truth,1 e49P"7"C" ;intergreen admitted" 17orty
missions is all you ha$e to fly as far as T.enty9se$enth +ir 7or%e
Head2uarters is %on%erned"1
)ossarian .as /u!ilant" 1Then # %an go home, right5 #1$e got forty9eight"1
1,o, you %an1t go home,1 e49P"7"C" ;intergreen %orre%ted him" 1+re you
%ra0y or something51
1;hy not51
1Cat%h9<<"1
1Cat%h9<<51 )ossarian .as stunned" 1;hat the hell has Cat%h9<< got to do
.ith it51
1Cat%h9<<,1 -o% -anee'a ans.ered patiently, .hen Hungry Joe had flo.n
)ossarian !a%' to Pianosa, 1says you1$e al.ays got to do .hat your
%ommanding offi%er tells you to"1
13ut T.enty9se$enth +ir 7or%e says # %an go home .ith forty missions"1
13ut they don1t say you ha$e to go home" +nd regulations do say you ha$e
to o!ey e$ery order" That1s the %at%h" $en if the %olonel .ere diso!eying a
T.enty9se$enth +ir 7or%e order !y ma'ing you fly more missions, you1d still
ha$e to fly them, or you1d !e guilty of diso!eying an order of his" +nd then
T.enty9se$enth +ir 7or%e Head2uarters .ould really /ump on you"1
)ossarian slumped .ith disappointment" 1Then # really ha$e to fly the fifty
missions, don1t #51 he grie$ed"
1The fifty9fi$e,1 -o% -anee'a %orre%ted him"
1;hat fifty9fi$e51
1The fifty9fi$e missions the %olonel no. .ants all of you to fly"1
Hungry Joe hea$ed a huge sigh of relief .hen he heard -o% -anee'a and
!ro'e into a grin" )ossarian gra!!ed Hungry Joe !y the ne%' and made him
fly them !oth right !a%' to e49P"7"C" ;intergreen"
1;hat .ould they do to me,1 he as'ed in %onfidential tones, 1if # refused to fly
them51
1;e1d pro!a!ly shoot you,1 e49P"7"C" ;intergreen replied"
1!e"1 )ossarian %ried in surprise" 1;hat do you mean, #e5 Sin%e .hen are
you on their side51
1#f you1re going to !e shot, .hose side do you e4pe%t me to !e on51 e49
P"7"C" ;intergreen retorted"
)ossarian .in%ed" Colonel Cath%art had raised him again"
McWatt
(rdinarily, )ossarian1s pilot .as M%;att, .ho, sha$ing in loud red, %lean
pa/amas outside his tent ea%h morning, .as one of the odd, ironi%,
in%omprehensi!le things surrounding )ossarian" M%;att .as the %ra0iest
%om!at man of them all pro!a!ly, !e%ause he .as perfe%tly sane and still
did not mind the .ar" He .as a short9legged, .ide9shouldered, smiling
young soul .ho .histled !oun%y sho. tunes %ontinuously and turned o$er
%ards .ith sharp snaps .hen he dealt at !la%'/a%' or po'er until Hungry
Joe disintegrated into 2ua'ing despair finally !eneath their %umulati$e
impa%t and !egan ranting at him to stop snapping the %ards"
1)ou son of a !it%h, you only do it !e%ause it hurts me,1 Hungry Joe .ould
yell furiously, as )ossarian held him !a%' soothingly .ith one hand" 1That1s
the only reason he does it, !e%ause he li'es to hear me s%ream = you
goddam son of a !it%hB1
M%;att %rin'led his fine, fre%'led nose apologeti%ally and $o.ed not to
snap the %ards any more, !ut al.ays forgot" M%;att .ore flee%y !edroom
slippers .ith his red pa/amas and slept !et.een freshly pressed %olored
!edsheets li'e the one Milo had retrie$ed half of for him from the grinning
thief .ith the s.eet tooth in e4%hange for none of the pitted dates Milo had
!orro.ed from )ossarian" M%;att .as deeply impressed .ith Milo, .ho, to
the amusement of Corporal Snar', his mess sergeant, .as already !uying
eggs for se$en %ents apie%e and selling them for fi$e %ents" 3ut M%;att
.as ne$er as impressed .ith Milo as Milo had !een .ith the letter
)ossarian had o!tained for his li$er from -o% -anee'a"
1;hat1s this51 Milo had %ried out in alarm, .hen he %ame upon the
enormous %orrugated %arton filled .ith pa%'ages of dried fruit and %ans of
fruit /ui%es and desserts that t.o of the #talian la!orers Ma/or 9 de Co$erley
had 'idnaped for his 'it%hen .ere a!out to %arry off to )ossarian1s tent"
1This is Captain )ossarian, sir,1 said Corporal Snar' .ith a superior smir'"
Corporal Snar' .as an intelle%tual sno! .ho felt he .as t.enty years
ahead of his time and did not en/oy %oo'ing do.n to the masses" 1He has a
letter from -o% -anee'a entitling him to all the fruit and fruit /ui%es he
.ants"1
1;hat1s this51 %ried out )ossarian, as Milo .ent .hite and !egan to s.ay"
1This is &ieutenant Milo Minder!inder, sir,1 said Corporal Snar' .ith a
derisi$e .in'" 1(ne of our ne. pilots" He !e%ame mess offi%er .hile you
.ere in the hospital this last time"1
1;hat1s this51 %ried out M%;att, late in the afternoon, as Milo handed him
half his !edsheet"
1#t1s half of the !edsheet that .as stolen from your tent this morning,1 Milo
e4plained .ith ner$ous self9satisfa%tion, his rusty musta%he t.it%hing
rapidly" 1#1ll !et you didn1t e$en 'no. it .as stolen"1
1;hy should anyone .ant to steal half a !edsheet51 )ossarian as'ed"
Milo gre. flustered" 1)ou don1t understand,1 he protested"
+nd )ossarian also did not understand .hy Milo needed so desperately to
in$est in the letter from -o% -anee'a, .hi%h %ame right to the point" 16i$e
)ossarian all the dried fruit and fruit /ui%es he .ants,1 -o% -anee'a had
.ritten" 1He says he has a li$er %ondition"1
1+ letter li'e this,1 Milo mum!led despondently, 1%ould ruin any mess offi%er
in the .orld"1 Milo had %ome to )ossarian1s tent /ust to read the letter again,
follo.ing his %arton of lost pro$isions a%ross the s2uadron li'e a mourner" 1#
ha$e to gi$e you as mu%h as you as' for" ;hy, the letter doesn1t e$en say
you ha$e to eat all of it yourself"1
1+nd it1s a good thing it doesn1t,1 )ossarian told him, 1!e%ause # ne$er eat
any of it" # ha$e a li$er %ondition"1
1(h, yes, # forgot,1 said Milo, in a $oi%e lo.ered deferentially" 1#s it !ad51
1Just !ad enough,1 )ossarian ans.ered %heerfully"
1# see,1 said Milo" 1;hat does that mean51
1#t means that it %ouldn1t !e !etter?1
1# don1t thin' # understand"1
1?.ithout !eing .orse" ,o. do you see51
1)es, no. # see" 3ut # still don1t thin' # understand"1
1;ell, don1t let it trou!le you" &et it trou!le me" )ou see, # don1t really ha$e a
li$er %ondition" #1$e /ust got the symptoms" # ha$e a 6arnett97leis%ha'er
syndrome"1
1# see,1 said Milo" 1+nd .hat is a 6arnett97leis%ha'er syndrome51
1+ li$er %ondition"1
1# see,1 said Milo, and !egan massaging his !la%' eye!ro.s together .earily
.ith an e4pression of interior pain, as though .aiting for some stinging
dis%omfort he .as e4perien%ing to go a.ay" 1#n that %ase,1 he %ontinued
finally, 1# suppose you do ha$e to !e $ery %areful a!out .hat you eat, don1t
you5"
1Fery %areful indeed,1 )ossarian told him" 1+ good 6arnett97leis%ha'er
syndrome isn1t easy to %ome !y, and # don1t .ant to ruin mine" That1s .hy #
ne$er eat any fruit"1
1,o. # do see,1 said Milo" 17ruit is !ad for your li$er51
1,o, fruit is good for my li$er" That1s .hy # ne$er eat any"1
1Then .hat do you do .ith it51 demanded Milo, plodding along doggedly
through his mounting %onfusion to fling out the 2uestion !urning on his lips"
1-o you sell it51
1# gi$e it a.ay"1
1To .ho51 %ried Milo, in a $oi%e %ra%'ing .ith dismay"
1To anyone .ho .ants it,1 )ossarian shouted !a%'"
Milo let out a long, melan%holy .ail and staggered !a%', !eads of
perspiration popping out suddenly all o$er his ashen fa%e" He tugged on his
unfortunate musta%he a!sently, his .hole !ody trem!ling"
1# gi$e a great deal of it to -un!ar,1 )ossarian .ent on"
1-un!ar51 Milo e%hoed num!ly"
1)es" -un!ar %an eat all the fruit he .ants and it .on1t do him a damned !it
of good" # /ust lea$e the %arton right out there in the open for anyone .ho
.ants any to %ome and help himself" +arfy %omes here to get prunes
!e%ause he says he ne$er gets enough prunes in the mess hall" )ou might
loo' into that .hen you1$e got some time !e%ause it1s no fun ha$ing +arfy
hanging around here" ;hene$er the supply runs lo. # /ust ha$e Corporal
Snar' fill me up again" ,ately al.ays ta'es a .hole load of fruit along .ith
him .hene$er he goes to *ome" He1s in lo$e .ith a .hore there .ho hates
me and isn1t at all interested in him" She1s got a 'id sister .ho ne$er lea$es
them alone in !ed together, and they li$e in an apartment .ith an old man
and .oman and a !un%h of other girls .ith ni%e fat thighs .ho are al.ays
'idding around also" ,ately !rings them a .hole %artonful e$ery time he
goes"1
1-oes he sell it to them51
1,o, he gi$es it to them"1
Milo fro.ned" 1;ell, # suppose that1s $ery generous of him,1 he remar'ed
.ith no enthusiasm"
1)es, $ery generous,1 )ossarian agreed"
1+nd #1m sure it1s perfe%tly legal,1 said Milo, 1sin%e the food is yours on%e you
get it from me" # suppose that .ith %onditions as hard as they are, these
people are $ery glad to get it"1
1)es, $ery glad,1 )ossarian assured him" 1The t.o girls sell it all on the !la%'
mar'et and use the money to !uy flashy %ostume /e.elry and %heap
perfume"1
Milo per'ed up" 1Costume /e.elryB1 he e4%laimed" 1# didn1t 'no. that" Ho.
mu%h are they paying for %heap perfume51
1The old man uses his share to !uy ra. .his'ey and dirty pi%tures" He1s a
le%her"1
1+ le%her51
1)ou1d !e surprised"1
1#s there mu%h of a mar'et in *ome for dirty pi%tures51 Milo as'ed"
1)ou1d !e surprised" Ta'e +arfy, for instan%e" >no.ing him, you1d ne$er
suspe%t, .ould you51
1That he1s a le%her51
1,o, that he1s a na$igator" )ou 'no. Captain +ard$aar', don1t you5 He1s
that ni%e guy .ho %ame up to you your first day in the s2uadron and said,
G+ard$aar'1s my name, and na$igation is my game"G He .ore a pipe in his
fa%e and pro!a!ly as'ed you .hat %ollege you .ent to" -o you 'no. him51
Milo .as paying no attention" 1&et me !e your partner,1 he !lurted out
imploringly"
)ossarian turned him do.n, e$en though he had no dou!t that the
tru%'loads of fruit .ould !e theirs to dispose of any .ay they sa. fit on%e
)ossarian had re2uisitioned them from the mess hall .ith -o% -anee'a1s
letter" Milo .as %restfallen, !ut from that moment on he trusted )ossarian
.ith e$ery se%ret !ut one, reasoning shre.dly that anyone .ho .ould not
steal from the %ountry he lo$ed .ould not steal from any!ody" Milo trusted
)ossarian .ith e$ery se%ret !ut the lo%ation of the holes in the hills in .hi%h
he !egan !urying his money on%e he returned from Smyrna .ith his
planeload of figs and learned from )ossarian that a C"#"-" man had %ome to
the hospital" To Milo, .ho had !een gulli!le enough to $olunteer for it, the
position of mess offi%er .as a sa%red trust"
1# didn1t e$en reali0e .e .eren1t ser$ing enough prunes,1 he had admitted
that first day" 1# suppose it1s !e%ause #1m still so ne." #1ll raise the 2uestion
.ith my first %hef"1
)ossarian eyed him sharply" 1;hat first %hef51 he demanded" 1)ou don1t
ha$e a first %hef"1
1Corporal Snar',1 Milo e4plained, loo'ing a.ay a little guiltily" 1He1s the only
%hef # ha$e, so he really is my first %hef, although # hope to mo$e him o$er
to the administrati$e side" Corporal Snar' tends to !e a little too %reati$e, #
feel" He thin's !eing a mess sergeant is some sort of art form and is al.ays
%omplaining a!out ha$ing to prostitute his talents" ,o!ody is as'ing him to
do any su%h thingB #n%identally, do you happen to 'no. .hy he .as !usted
to pri$ate and is only a %orporal no.51
1)es,1 said )ossarian" 1He poisoned the s2uadron"1
Milo .ent pale again" 1He did #hat51
1He mashed hundreds of %a'es of 6# soap into the s.eet potatoes /ust to
sho. that people ha$e the taste of Philistines and don1t 'no. the differen%e
!et.een good and !ad" $ery man in the s2uadron .as si%'" Missions
.ere %an%eled"1
1;ellB1 Milo e4%laimed, .ith thin9upped disappro$al" 1He %ertainly found out
ho. .rong he .as, didn1t he51
1(n the %ontrary,1 )ossarian %orre%ted" 1He found out ho. right he .as" ;e
pa%'ed it a.ay !y the plateful and %lamored for more" ;e all 'ne. .e .ere
si%', !ut .e had no idea .e1d !een poisoned"1
Milo sniffed in %onsternation t.i%e, li'e a shaggy !ro.n hare" 1#n that %ase, #
%ertainly do .ant to get him o$er to the administrati$e side" # don1t .ant
anything li'e that happening .hile #1m in %harge" )ou see,1 he %onfided
earnestly, 1.hat # hope to do is gi$e the men in this s2uadron the !est meals
in the .hole .orld" That1s really something to shoot at, isn1t it5 #f a mess
offi%er aims at anything less, it seems to me, he has no right !eing mess
offi%er" -on1t you agree51
)ossarian turned slo.ly to ga0e at Milo .ith pro!ing distrust" He sa. a
simple, sin%ere fa%e that .as in%apa!le of su!tlety or guile, an honest, fran'
fa%e .ith disunited large eyes, rusty hair, !la%' eye!ro.s and an
unfortunate reddish9!ro.n musta%he" Milo had a long, thin nose .ith
sniffing, damp nostrils heading sharply off to the right, al.ays pointing a.ay
from .here the rest of him .as loo'ing" #t .as the fa%e of a man of
hardened integrity .ho %ould no more %ons%iously $iolate the moral
prin%iples on .hi%h his $irtue rested than he %ould transform himself into a
despi%a!le toad" (ne of these moral prin%iples .as that it .as ne$er a sin
to %harge as mu%h as the traffi% .ould !ear" He .as %apa!le of mighty
paro4ysms of righteous indignation, and he .as indignant as %ould !e .hen
he learned that a C"#"-" man .as in the area loo'ing for him"
1He1s not loo'ing for you,1 )ossarian said, trying to pla%ate him" 1He1s loo'ing
for someone up in the hospital .ho1s !een signing ;ashington #r$ing1s
name to the letters he1s !een %ensoring"1
1# ne$er signed ;ashington #r$ing1s name to any letters,1 Milo de%lared"
1(f %ourse not"1
13ut that1s /ust a tri%' to get me to %onfess #1$e !een ma'ing money in the
!la%' mar'et"1 Milo hauled $iolently at a dishe$eled hun' of his off9%olored
musta%he" 1# don1t li'e guys li'e that" +l.ays snooping around people li'e
us" ;hy doesn1t the go$ernment get after e49P"7"C" ;intergreen, if it .ants
to do some good5 He1s got no respe%t for rules and regulations and 'eeps
%utting pri%es on me"1
Milo1s musta%he .as unfortunate !e%ause the separated hal$es ne$er
mat%hed" They .ere li'e Milo1s disunited eyes, .hi%h ne$er loo'ed at the
same thing at the same time" Milo %ould see more things than most people,
!ut he %ould see none of them too distin%tly" #n %ontrast to his rea%tion to
ne.s of the C"#"-" man, he learned .ith %alm %ourage from )ossarian that
Colonel Cath%art had raised the num!er of missions to fifty9fi$e"
1;e1re at .ar,1 he said" 1+nd there1s no use %omplaining a!out the num!er
of missions .e ha$e to fly" #f the %olonel says .e ha$e to fly fifty9fi$e
missions, .e ha$e to fly them"1
1;ell, # don1t ha$e to fly them,1 )ossarian $o.ed" 1#1ll go see Ma/or Ma/or"1
1Ho. %an you5 Ma/or Ma/or ne$er sees any!ody"1
1Then #1ll go !a%' into the hospital"1
1)ou /ust %ame out of the hospital ten days ago,1 Milo reminded him
repro$ingly" 1)ou %an1t 'eep running into the hospital e$ery time something
happens you don1t li'e" ,o, the !est thing to do is fly the missions" #t1s our
duty"1
Milo had rigid s%ruples that .ould not e$en allo. him to !orro. a pa%'age
of pitted dates from the mess hall that day of M%;att1s stolen !edsheet, for
the food at the mess hall .as all still the property of the go$ernment"
13ut # %an !orro. it from you,1 he e4plained to )ossarian, 1sin%e all this fruit
is yours on%e you get it from me .ith -o%tor -anee'a1s letter" )ou %an do
.hate$er you .ant to .ith it, e$en sell it at a high profit instead of gi$ing it
a.ay free" ;ouldn1t you .ant to do that together51
1,o"1
Milo ga$e up" 1Then lend me one pa%'age of pitted dates,1 he re2uested" 1#1ll
gi$e it !a%' to you" # s.ear # .ill, and there1ll !e a little something e4tra for
you"1
Milo pro$ed good as his .ord and handed )ossarian a 2uarter of M%;att1s
yello. !edsheet .hen he returned .ith the unopened pa%'age of dates and
.ith the grinning thief .ith the s.eet tooth .ho had stolen the !edsheet
from M%;att1s tent" The pie%e of !edsheet no. !elonged to )ossarian" He
had earned it .hile napping, although he did not understand ho." ,either
did M%;att"
1;hat1s this51 %ried M%;att, staring in mystifi%ation at the ripped half of his
!edsheet"
1#t1s half of the !edsheet that .as stolen from your tent this morning,1 Milo
e4plained" 1#1ll !et you didn1t e$en 'no. it .as stolen"1
1;hy should anyone .ant to steal half a !edsheet51 )ossarian as'ed"
Milo gre. flustered" 1)ou don1t understand,1 he protested" 1He stole the
.hole !edsheet, and # got it !a%' .ith the pa%'age of pitted dates you
in$ested" That1s .hy the 2uarter of the !edsheet is yours" )ou made a $ery
handsome return on your in$estment, parti%ularly sin%e you1$e gotten !a%'
e$ery pitted date you ga$e me"1 Milo ne4t addressed himself to M%;att"
1Half the !edsheet is yours !e%ause it .as all yours to !egin .ith, and #
really don1t understand .hat you1re %omplaining a!out, sin%e you .ouldn1t
ha$e any part of it if Captain )ossarian and # hadn1t inter$ened in your
!ehalf"1
1;ho1s %omplaining51 M%;att e4%laimed" 1#1m /ust trying to figure out .hat #
%an do .ith half a !edsheet"1
1There are lots of things you %an do .ith half a !edsheet,1 Milo assured him"
1The remaining 2uarter of the !edsheet #1$e set aside for myself as a re.ard
for my enterprise, .or' and initiati$e" #t1s not for myself, you understand, !ut
for the syndi%ate" That1s something you might do .ith half the !edsheet"
)ou %an lea$e it in the syndi%ate and .at%h it gro."1
1;hat syndi%ate51
1The syndi%ate #1d li'e to form someday so that # %an gi$e you men the good
food you deser$e"1
1)ou .ant to form a syndi%ate51
1)es, # do" ,o, a mart" -o you 'no. .hat a mart is51
1#t1s a pla%e .here you !uy things, isn1t it51
1+nd sell things,1 %orre%ted Milo"
1+nd sell things"1
1+ll my life #1$e .anted a mart" )ou %an do lots of things if you1$e got a mart"
3ut you1$e got to ha$e a mart"1
1)ou .ant a mart51
1+nd e$ery man .ill ha$e a share"1
)ossarian .as still pu00led, for it .as a !usiness matter, and there .as
mu%h a!out !usiness matters that al.ays pu00led him"
1&et me try to e4plain it again,1 Milo offered .ith gro.ing .eariness and
e4asperation, /er'ing his thum! to.ard the thief .ith the s.eet tooth, still
grinning !eside him" 1# 'ne. he .anted the dates more than the !edsheet"
Sin%e he doesn1t understand a .ord of nglish, # made it a point to %ondu%t
the .hole transa%tion in nglish"1
1;hy didn1t you /ust hit him o$er the head and ta'e the !edsheet a.ay from
him51 )ossarian as'ed"
Pressing his lips together .ith dignity, Milo shoo' his head" 1That .ould
ha$e !een most un/ust,1 he s%olded firmly" 17or%e is .rong, and t.o .rongs
ne$er ma'e a right" #t .as mu%h !etter my .ay" ;hen # held the dates out
to him and rea%hed for the !edsheet, he pro!a!ly thought # .as offering to
trade"1
1;hat .ere you doing51
1+%tually, # #as offering to trade, !ut sin%e he doesn1t understand nglish, #
%an al.ays deny it"1
1Suppose he gets angry and .ants the dates51
1;hy, .e1ll /ust hit him o$er the head and ta'e them a.ay from him,1 Milo
ans.ered .ithout hesitation" He loo'ed from )ossarian to M%;att and !a%'
again" 1# really %an1t see .hat e$eryone is %omplaining a!out" ;e1re all
mu%h !etter off than !efore" $ery!ody is happy !ut this thief, and there1s
no sense .orrying a!out him, sin%e he doesn1t e$en spea' our language
and deser$es .hate$er he gets" -on1t you understand51
3ut )ossarian still didn1t understand either ho. Milo %ould !uy eggs in
Malta for se$en %ents apie%e and sell them at a profit in Pianosa for fi$e
%ents"
Lieutenant Scheisskopf
,ot e$en Cle$inger understood ho. Milo %ould do that, and Cle$inger 'ne.
e$erything" Cle$inger 'ne. e$erything a!out the .ar e4%ept .hy )ossarian
had to die .hile Corporal Snar' .as allo.ed to li$e, or .hy Corporal Snar'
had to die .hile )ossarian .as allo.ed to li$e" #t .as a $ile and muddy .ar,
and )ossarian %ould ha$e li$ed .ithout it = li$ed fore$er, perhaps" (nly a
fra%tion of his %ountrymen .ould gi$e up their li$es to .in it, and it .as not
his am!ition to !e among them" To die or not to die, that .as the 2uestion,
and Cle$inger gre. limp trying to ans.er it" History did not demand
)ossarian1s premature demise, /usti%e %ould !e satisfied .ithout it, progress
did not hinge upon it, $i%tory did not depend on it" That men .ould die .as
a matter of ne%essityA .hi%h men .ould die, though, .as a matter of
%ir%umstan%e, and )ossarian .as .illing to !e the $i%tim of anything !ut
%ir%umstan%e" 3ut that .as .ar" Just a!out all he %ould find in its fa$or .as
that it paid .ell and li!erated %hildren from the perni%ious influen%e of their
parents"
Cle$inger 'ne. so mu%h !e%ause Cle$inger .as a genius .ith a pounding
heart and !lan%hing fa%e" He .as a gangling, ga.'y, fe$erish, famish9eyed
!rain" +s a Har$ard undergraduate he had .on pri0es in s%holarship for /ust
a!out e$erything, and the only reason he had not .on pri0es in s%holarship
for e$erything else .as that he .as too !usy signing petitions, %ir%ulating
petitions and %hallenging petitions, /oining dis%ussion groups and resigning
from dis%ussion groups, attending youth %ongresses, pi%'eting other youth
%ongresses and organi0ing student %ommittees in defense of dismissed
fa%ulty mem!ers" $eryone agreed that Cle$inger .as %ertain to go far in
the a%ademi% .orld" #n short, Cle$inger .as one of those people .ith lots of
intelligen%e and no !rains, and e$eryone 'ne. it e4%ept those .ho soon
found it out"
#n short, he .as a dope" He often loo'ed to )ossarian li'e one of those
people hanging around modern museums .ith !oth eyes together on one
side of a fa%e" #t .as an illusion, of %ourse, generated !y Cle$inger1s
predile%tion for staring fi4edly at one side of a 2uestion and ne$er seeing
the other side at all" Politi%ally, he .as a humanitarian .ho did 'no. right
from left and .as trapped un%omforta!ly !et.een the t.o" He .as
%onstantly defending his Communist friends to his right9.ing enemies and
his right9.ing friends to his Communist enemies, and he .as thoroughly
detested !y !oth groups, .ho ne$er defended him to anyone !e%ause they
thought he .as a dope"
He .as a $ery serious, $ery earnest and $ery %ons%ientious dope" #t .as
impossi!le to go to a mo$ie .ith him .ithout getting in$ol$ed after.ards in a
dis%ussion on empathy, +ristotle, uni$ersals, messages and the o!ligations
of the %inema as an art form in a materialisti% so%iety" 6irls he too' to the
theater had to .ait until the first intermission to find out from him .hether or
not they .ere seeing a good or a !ad play, and then found out at on%e" He
.as a militant idealist .ho %rusaded against ra%ial !igotry !y gro.ing faint
in its presen%e" He 'ne. e$erything a!out literature e4%ept ho. to en/oy it"
)ossarian tried to help him" 1-on1t !e a dope,1 he had %ounseled Cle$inger
.hen they .ere !oth at %adet s%hool in Santa +na, California"
1#1m going to tell him,1 Cle$inger insisted, as the t.o of them sat high in the
re$ie.ing stands loo'ing do.n on the au4iliary paradeground at &ieutenant
S%heiss'opf raging !a%' and forth li'e a !eardless &ear"
1;hy me51 &ieutenant S%heiss'opf .ailed"
1>eep still, idiot,1 )ossarian ad$ised Cle$inger a$un%ularly"
1)ou don1t 'no. .hat you1re tal'ing a!out,1 Cle$inger o!/e%ted"
1# 'no. enough to 'eep still, idiot"1
&ieutenant S%heiss'opf tore his hair and gnashed his teeth" His ru!!ery
%hee's shoo' .ith gusts of anguish" His pro!lem .as a s2uadron of
a$iation %adets .ith lo. morale .ho mar%hed atro%iously in the parade
%ompetition that too' pla%e e$ery Sunday afternoon" Their morale .as lo.
!e%ause they did not .ant to mar%h in parades e$ery Sunday afternoon and
!e%ause &ieutenant S%heiss'opf had appointed %adet offi%ers from their
ran's instead of permitting them to ele%t their o.n"
1# .ant someone to tell me,1 &ieutenant S%heiss'opf !esee%hed them all
prayerfully" 1#f any of it is my fault, # #ant to !e told"1
1He .ants someone to tell him,1 Cle$inger said"
1He .ants e$eryone to 'eep still, idiot,1 )ossarian ans.ered"
1-idn1t you hear him51 Cle$inger argued"
1# heard him,1 )ossarian replied" 1# heard him say $ery loudly and $ery
distin%tly that he .ants e$ery one of us to 'eep our mouths shut if .e 'no.
.hat1s good for us"1
1# .on1t punish you,1 &ieutenant S%heiss'opf s.ore"
1He says he .on1t punish me,1 said Cle$inger"
1He1ll %astrate you,1 said )ossarian"
1# s.ear # .on1t punish you,1 said &ieutenant S%heiss'opf" 1#1ll !e grateful to
the man .ho tells me the truth"1
1He1ll hate you,1 said )ossarian" 1To his dying day he1ll hate you"1
&ieutenant S%heiss'opf .as an *"("T"C" graduate .ho .as rather glad that
.ar had !ro'en out, sin%e it ga$e him an opportunity to .ear an offi%er1s
uniform e$ery day and say 1Men1 in a %lipped, military $oi%e to the !un%hes
of 'ids .ho fell into his %lut%hes e$ery eight .ee's on their .ay to the
!ut%her1s !lo%'" He .as an am!itious and humorless &ieutenant
S%heiss'opf, .ho %onfronted his responsi!ilities so!erly and smiled only
.hen some ri$al offi%er at the Santa +na +rmy +ir 7or%e 3ase %ame do.n
.ith a lingering disease" He had poor eyesight and %hroni% sinus trou!le,
.hi%h made .ar espe%ially e4%iting for him, sin%e he .as in no danger of
going o$erseas" The !est thing a!out him .as his .ife and the !est thing
a!out his .ife .as a girl friend named -ori -u0 .ho did .hene$er she
%ould and had a ;a% uniform that &ieutenant S%heiss'opf1s .ife put on
e$ery .ee'end and too' off e$ery .ee'end for e$ery %adet in her
hus!and1s s2uadron .ho .anted to %reep into her"
-ori -u0 .as a li$ely little tart of %opper9green and gold .ho lo$ed doing it
!est in toolsheds, phone !ooths, field houses and !us 'ios's" There .as
little she hadn1t tried and less she .ouldn1t" She .as shameless, slim,
nineteen and aggressi$e" She destroyed egos !y the s%ore and made men
hate themsel$es in the morning for the .ay she found them, used them and
tossed them aside" )ossarian lo$ed her" She .as a mar$elous pie%e of ass
.ho found him only fair" He lo$ed the feel of springy mus%le !eneath her
s'in e$ery.here he tou%hed her the only time she1d let him" )ossarian
lo$ed -ori -u0 so mu%h that he %ouldn1t help flinging himself do.n
passionately on top of &ieutenant S%heiss'opf1s .ife e$ery .ee' to re$enge
himself upon &ieutenant S%heiss'opf for the .ay &ieutenant S%heiss'opf
.as re$enging himself upon Cle$inger"
&ieutenant S%heiss'opf1s .ife .as re$enging herself upon &ieutenant
S%heiss'opf for some unforgetta!le %rime of his she %ouldn1t re%all" She
.as a plump, pin', sluggish girl .ho read good !oo's and 'ept urging
)ossarian not to !e so !ourgeois .ithout the r" She .as ne$er .ithout a
good !oo' %lose !y, not e$en .hen she .as lying in !ed .ith nothing on
her !ut )ossarian and -ori -u01s dog tags" She !ored )ossarian, !ut he
.as in lo$e .ith her, too" She .as a %ra0y mathemati%s ma/or from the
;harton S%hool of 3usiness .ho %ould not %ount to t.enty9eight ea%h
month .ithout getting into trou!le"
1-arling, .e1re going to ha$e a !a!y again,1 she .ould say to )ossarian
e$ery month"
1)ou1re out of your goddam head,1 he .ould reply"
1# mean it, !a!y,1 she insisted"
1So do #"1
1-arling, .e1re going to ha$e a !a!y again,1 she .ould say to her hus!and"
1# ha$en1t the time,1 &ieutenant S%heiss'opf .ould grum!le petulantly" 1-on1t
you 'no. there1s a parade going on51
&ieutenant S%heiss'opf %ared $ery deeply a!out .inning parades and a!out
!ringing Cle$inger up on %harges !efore the +%tion 3oard for %onspiring to
ad$o%ate the o$erthro. of the %adet offi%ers &ieutenant S%heiss'opf had
appointed" Cle$inger .as a trou!lema'er and a .ise guy" &ieutenant
S%heiss'opf 'ne. that Cle$inger might %ause e$en more trou!le if he
.asn1t .at%hed" )esterday it .as the %adet offi%ersA tomorro. it might !e
the .orld" Cle$inger had a mind, and &ieutenant S%heiss'opf had noti%ed
that people .ith minds tended to get pretty smart at times" Su%h men .ere
dangerous, and e$en the ne. %adet offi%ers .hom Cle$inger had helped
into offi%e .ere eager to gi$e damning testimony against him" The %ase
against Cle$inger .as open and shut" The only thing missing .as
something to %harge him .ith"
#t %ould not !e anything to do .ith parades, for Cle$inger too' the parades
almost as seriously as &ieutenant S%heiss'opf himself" The men fell out for
the parades early ea%h Sunday afternoon and groped their .ay into ran's
of t.el$e outside the !arra%'s" 6roaning .ith hango$ers, they limped in
step to their station on the main paradeground, .here they stood
motionless in the heat for an hour or t.o .ith the men from the si4ty or
se$enty other %adet s2uadrons until enough of them had %ollapsed to %all it
a day" (n the edge of the field stood a ro. of am!ulan%es and teams of
trained stret%her !earers .ith .al'ie9tal'ies" (n the roofs of the
am!ulan%es .ere spotters .ith !ino%ulars" + tally %ler' 'ept s%ore"
Super$ising this entire phase of the operation .as a medi%al offi%er .ith a
flair for a%%ounting .ho o'ayed pulses and %he%'ed the figures of the tally
%ler'" +s soon as enough un%ons%ious men had !een %olle%ted in the
am!ulan%es, the medi%al offi%er signaled the !andmaster to stri'e up the
!and and end the parade" (ne !ehind the other, the s2uadrons mar%hed up
the field, e4e%uted a %um!ersome turn around the re$ie.ing stand and
mar%hed do.n the field and !a%' to their !arra%'s"
a%h of the parading s2uadrons .as graded as it mar%hed past the
re$ie.ing stand, .here a !loated %olonel .ith a !ig fat musta%he sat .ith
the other offi%ers" The !est s2uadron in ea%h .ing .on a yello. pennant on
a pole that .as utterly .orthless" The !est s2uadron on the !ase .on a red
pennant on a longer pole that .as .orth e$en less, sin%e the pole .as
hea$ier and .as that mu%h more of a nuisan%e to lug around all .ee' until
some other s2uadron .on it the follo.ing Sunday" To )ossarian, the idea of
pennants as pri0es .as a!surd" ,o money .ent .ith them, no %lass
pri$ileges" &i'e (lympi% medals and tennis trophies, all they signified .as
that the o.ner had done something of no !enefit to anyone more %apa!ly
than e$eryone else"
The parades themsel$es seemed e2ually a!surd" )ossarian hated a
parade" Parades .ere so martial" He hated hearing them, hated seeing
them, hated !eing tied up in traffi% !y them" He hated !eing made to ta'e
part in them" #t .as !ad enough !eing an a$iation %adet .ithout ha$ing to
a%t li'e a soldier in the !listering heat e$ery Sunday afternoon" #t .as !ad
enough !eing an a$iation %adet !e%ause it .as o!$ious no. that the .ar
.ould not !e o$er !efore he had finished his training" That .as the only
reason he had $olunteered for %adet training in the first pla%e" +s a soldier
.ho had 2ualified for a$iation %adet training, he had .ee's and .ee's of
.aiting for assignment to a %lass, .ee's and .ee's more to !e%ome a
!om!ardier9na$igator, .ee's and .ee's more of operational training after
that to prepare him for o$erseas duty" #t seemed in%on%ei$a!le then that the
.ar %ould last that long, for 6od .as on his side, he had !een told, and
6od, he had also !een told, %ould do .hate$er He .anted to" 3ut the .ar
.as not nearly o$er, and his training .as almost %omplete"
&ieutenant S%heiss'opf longed desperately to .in parades and sat up half
the night .or'ing on it .hile his .ife .aited amorously for him in !ed
thum!ing through >rafft9!ing to her fa$orite passages" He read !oo's on
mar%hing" He manipulated !o4es of %ho%olate soldiers until they melted in
his hands and then maneu$ered in ran's of t.el$e a set of plasti% %o.!oys
he had !ought from a mail9order house under an assumed name and 'ept
lo%'ed a.ay from e$eryone1s eyes during the day" &eonardo1s e4er%ises in
anatomy pro$ed indispensa!le" (ne e$ening he felt the need for a li$e
model and dire%ted his .ife to mar%h around the room"
1,a'ed51 she as'ed hopefully"
&ieutenant S%heiss'opf sma%'ed his hands o$er his eyes in e4asperation" #t
.as the despair of &ieutenant S%heiss'opf1s life to !e %hained to a .oman
.ho .as in%apa!le of loo'ing !eyond her o.n dirty, se4ual desires to the
titani% struggles for the unattaina!le in .hi%h no!le man %ould !e%ome
heroi%ally engaged"
1;hy don1t you e$er .hip me51 she pouted one night"
13e%ause # ha$en1t the time,1 he snapped at her impatiently" 1# ha$en1t the
time" -on1t you 'no. there1s a parade going on51
+nd he really did not ha$e the time" There it .as Sunday already, .ith only
se$en days left in the .ee' to get ready for the ne4t parade" He had no idea
.here the hours .ent" 7inishing last in three su%%essi$e parades had gi$en
&ieutenant S%heiss'opf an unsa$ory reputation, and he %onsidered e$ery
means of impro$ement, e$en nailing the t.el$e men in ea%h ran' to a long
t.o9!y9four !eam of seasoned oa' to 'eep them in line" The plan .as not
feasi!le, for ma'ing a ninety9degree turn .ould ha$e !een impossi!le
.ithout ni%'el9alloy s.i$els inserted in the small of e$ery man1s !a%', and
&ieutenant S%heiss'opf .as not sanguine at all a!out o!taining that many
ni%'el9alloy s.i$els from Huartermaster or enlisting the %ooperation of the
surgeons at the hospital"
The .ee' after &ieutenant S%heiss'opf follo.ed Cle$inger1s
re%ommendation and let the men ele%t their o.n %adet offi%ers, the
s2uadron .on the yello. pennant" &ieutenant S%heiss'opf .as so elated !y
his une4pe%ted a%hie$ement that he ga$e his .ife a sharp %ra%' o$er the
head .ith the pole .hen she tried to drag him into !ed to %ele!rate !y
sho.ing their %ontempt for the se4ual mores of the lo.er middle %lasses in
;estern %i$ili0ation" The ne4t .ee' the s2uadron .on the red flag, and
&ieutenant S%heiss'opf .as !eside himself .ith rapture" +nd the .ee' after
that his s2uadron made history !y .inning the red pennant t.o .ee's in a
ro.B ,o. &ieutenant S%heiss'opf had %onfiden%e enough in his po.ers to
spring his !ig surprise" &ieutenant S%heiss'opf had dis%o$ered in his
e4tensi$e resear%h that the hands of mar%hers, instead of s.inging freely,
as .as then the popular fashion, ought ne$er to !e mo$ed more than three
in%hes from the %enter of the thigh, .hi%h meant, in effe%t, that they .ere
s%ar%ely to !e s.ung at all"
&ieutenant S%heiss'opf1s preparations .ere ela!orate and %landestine" +ll
the %adets in his s2uadron .ere s.orn to se%re%y and rehearsed in the
dead of night on the au4iliary parade9ground" They mar%hed in dar'ness
that .as pit%h and !umped into ea%h other !lindly, !ut they did not pani%,
and they .ere learning to mar%h .ithout s.inging their hands" &ieutenant
S%heiss'opf1s first thought had !een to ha$e a friend of his in the sheet
metal shop sin' pegs of ni%'el alloy into ea%h man1s thigh!ones and lin'
them to the .rists !y strands of %opper .ire .ith e4a%tly three in%hes of
play, !ut there .asn1t time = there .as ne$er enough time = and good
%opper .ire .as hard to %ome !y in .artime" He remem!ered also that the
men, so hampered, .ould !e una!le to fall properly during the impressi$e
fainting %eremony pre%eding the mar%hing and that an ina!ility to faint
properly might affe%t the unit1s rating as a .hole"
+nd all .ee' long he %hortled .ith repressed delight at the offi%ers1 %lu!"
Spe%ulation gre. rampant among his %losest friends"
1# .onder .hat that Shithead is up to,1 &ieutenant ngle said"
&ieutenant S%heiss'opf responded .ith a 'no.ing smile to the 2ueries of
his %olleagues" 1)ou1ll find out Sunday,1 he promised" 1)ou1ll find out"1
&ieutenant S%heiss'opf un$eiled his epo%hal surprise that Sunday .ith all
the aplom! of an e4perien%ed impresario" He said nothing .hile the other
s2uadrons am!led past the re$ie.ing stand %roo'edly in their %ustomary
manner" He ga$e no sign e$en .hen the first ran's of his o.n s2uadron
ho$e into sight .ith their s.ingless mar%hing and the first stri%'en gasps of
alarm .ere hissing from his startled fello. offi%ers" He held !a%' e$en then
until the !loated %olonel .ith the !ig fat musta%he .hirled upon him
sa$agely .ith a purpling fa%e, and then he offered the e4planation that
made him immortal"
1&oo', Colonel,1 he announ%ed" 1,o hands"1
+nd to an audien%e stilled .ith a.e, he distri!uted %ertified photostati%
%opies of the o!s%ure regulation on .hi%h he had !uilt his unforgetta!le
triumph" This .as &ieutenant S%heiss'opf1s finest hour" He .on the parade,
of %ourse, hands do.n, o!taining permanent possession of the red pennant
and ending the Sunday parades altogether, sin%e good red pennants .ere
as hard to %ome !y in .artime as good %opper .ire" &ieutenant S%heiss'opf
.as made 7irst &ieutenant S%heiss'opf on the spot and !egan his rapid rise
through the ran's" There .ere fe. .ho did not hail him as a true military
genius for his important dis%o$ery"
1That &ieutenant S%heiss'opf,1 &ieutenant Tra$els remar'ed" 1He1s a military
genius"1
1)es, he really is,1 &ieutenant ngle agreed" 1#t1s a pity the s%hmu%' .on1t
.hip his .ife"1
1# don1t see .hat that has to do .ith it,1 &ieutenant Tra$ers ans.ered %oolly"
1&ieutenant 3emis .hips Mrs" 3emis !eautifully e$ery time they ha$e se4ual
inter%ourse, and he isn1t .orth a farthing at parades"1
1#1m tal'ing a!out flagellation,1 &ieutenant ngle retorted" 1;ho gi$es a damn
a!out parades51
+%tually, no one !ut &ieutenant S%heiss'opf really ga$e a damn a!out the
parades, least of all the !loated %olonel .ith the !ig fat musta%he, .ho .as
%hairman of the +%tion 3oard and !egan !ello.ing at Cle$inger the moment
Cle$inger stepped gingerly into the room to plead inno%ent to the %harges
&ieutenant S%heiss'opf had lodged against him" The %olonel !eat his fist
do.n upon the ta!le and hurt his hand and !e%ame so further enraged .ith
Cle$inger that he !eat his fist do.n upon the ta!le e$en harder and hurt his
hand some more" &ieutenant S%heiss'opf glared at Cle$inger .ith tight lips,
mortified !y the poor impression Cle$inger .as ma'ing"
1#n si4ty days you1ll !e fighting 3illy Petrolle,1 the %olonel .ith the !ig fat
musta%he roared" 1+nd you thin' it1s a !ig fat /o'e"1
1# don1t thin' it1s a /o'e, sir,1 Cle$inger replied"
1-on1t interrupt"1
1)es, sir"1
1+nd say GsirG .hen you do,1 ordered Ma/or Met%alf"
1)es, sir"1
1;eren1t you /ust ordered not to interrupt51 Ma/or Met%alf in2uired %oldly"
13ut # didn1t interrupt, sir,1 Cle$inger protested"
1,o" +nd you didn1t say Gsir,G either" +dd that to the %harges against him,1
Ma/or Met%alf dire%ted the %orporal .ho %ould ta'e shorthand" 17ailure to
say GsirG to superior offi%ers .hen not interrupting them"1
1Met%alf,1 said the %olonel, 1you1re a goddam fool" -o you 'no. that51
Ma/or Met%alf s.allo.ed .ith diffi%ulty" 1)es, Sir"1
1Then 'eep your goddam mouth shut" )ou don1t ma'e sense"1
There .ere three mem!ers of the +%tion 3oard, the !loated %olonel .ith the
!ig fat musta%he, &ieutenant S%heiss'opf and Ma/or Met%alf, .ho .as
trying to de$elop a steely ga0e" +s a mem!er of the +%tion 3oard,
&ieutenant S%heiss'opf .as one of the /udges .ho .ould .eigh the merits
of the %ase against Cle$inger as presented !y the prose%utor" &ieutenant
S%heiss'opf .as also the prose%utor" Cle$inger had an offi%er defending
him" The offi%er defending him .as &ieutenant S%heiss'opf
#t .as all $ery %onfusing to Cle$inger, .ho !egan $i!rating in terror as the
%olonel surged to his feet li'e a giganti% !el%h and threatened to rip his
stin'ing, %o.ardly !ody apart lim! from lim!" (ne day he had stum!led
.hile mar%hing to %lassA the ne4t day he .as formally %harged .ith
1!rea'ing ran's .hile in formation, felonious assault, indis%riminate
!eha$ior, mopery, high treason, pro$o'ing, !eing a smart guy, listening to
%lassi%al musi% and so on1" #n short, they thre. the !oo' at him, and there
he .as, standing in dread !efore the !loated %olonel, .ho roared on%e
more that in si4ty days he .ould !e fighting 3illy Petrolle and demanded to
'no. ho. the hell he .ould li'e !eing .ashed out and shipped to the
Solomon #slands to !ury !odies" Cle$inger replied .ith %ourtesy that he
.ould not li'e itA he .as a dope .ho .ould rather !e a %orpse than !ury
one" The %olonel sat do.n and settled !a%', %alm and %agey suddenly, and
ingratiatingly polite"
1;hat did you mean,1 he in2uired slo.ly, 1.hen you said .e %ouldn1t punish
you51
1;hen, sir51
1#1m as'ing the 2uestions" )ou1re ans.ering them"1
1)es, sir" # =1
1-id you thin' .e !rought you here to as' 2uestions and for me to ans.er
them51
1,o, sir" # =1
1;hat did .e !ring you here for51
1To ans.er 2uestions"1
1)ou1re goddam right,1 roared the %olonel" 1,o. suppose you start
ans.ering some !efore # !rea' your goddam head" Just .hat the hell did
you mean, you !astard, .hen you said .e %ouldn1t punish you51
1# don1t thin' # e$er made that statement, sir"1
1;ill you spea' up, please5 # %ouldn1t hear you"1
1)es, sir" # =1
1;ill you spea' up, please5 He %ouldn1t hear you"1
1)es, sir" # =1
1Met%alf"1
1Sir51
1-idn1t # tell you to 'eep your stupid mouth shut51
1)es, sir"1
1Then 'eep your stupid mouth shut .hen # tell you to 'eep your stupid
mouth shut" -o you understand5 ;ill you spea' up, please5 # %ouldn1t hear
you"1
1)es, sir" # =1
1Met%alf, is that your foot #1m stepping on51
1,o, sir" #t must !e &ieutenant S%heiss'opf1s foot"1
1#t isn1t my foot,1 said &ieutenant S%heiss'opf"
1Then may!e it is my foot after all,1 said Ma/or Met%alf"
1Mo$e it"1
1)es, sir" )ou1ll ha$e to mo$e your foot first, %olonel" #t1s on top of mine"1
1+re you telling me to mo$e my foot51
1,o, sir" (h, no, sir"1
1Then mo$e your foot and 'eep your stupid mouth shut" ;ill you spea' up,
please5 # still %ouldn1t hear you"1
1)es, sir" # said that # didn1t say that you %ouldn1t punish me"1
1Just .hat the hell are you tal'ing a!out51
1#1m ans.ering your 2uestion, sir"1
1;hat 2uestion51
1 GJust .hat the hell did you mean, you !astard, .hen you said .e %ouldn1t
punish you5G 1 said the %orporal .ho %ould ta'e shorthand, reading from his
steno pad"
1+ll right,1 said the %olonel" 1Just .hat the hell did you mean51
1# didn1t say you %ouldn1t punish me, sir"1
1;hen51 as'ed the %olonel"
1;hen .hat, sir51
1,o. you1re as'ing me 2uestions again"1
1#1m sorry, sir" #1m afraid # don1t understand your 2uestion"1
1;hen didn1t you say .e %ouldn1t punish you5 -on1t you understand my
2uestion51
1,o, sir" # don1t understand"1
1)ou1$e /ust told us that" ,o. suppose you ans.er my 2uestion"1
13ut ho. %an # ans.er it51
1That1s another 2uestion you1re as'ing me"1
1#1m sorry, sir" 3ut # don1t 'no. ho. to ans.er it" # ne$er said you %ouldn1t
punish me"1
1,o. you1re telling us .hen you did say it" #1m as'ing you to tell us .hen
you didn1t say it"1
Cle$inger too' a deep !reath" 1# al.ays didn1t say you %ouldn1t punish me,
sir"1
1That1s mu%h !etter, Mr" Cle$inger, e$en though it is a !arefa%ed lie" &ast
night in the latrine" -idn1t you .hisper that .e %ouldn1t punish you to that
other dirty son of a !it%h .e don1t li'e5 ;hat1s his name51
1)ossarian, sir,1 &ieutenant S%heiss'opf said"
1)es, )ossarian" That1s right" )ossarian" )ossarian5 #s that his name5
)ossarian5 ;hat the hell 'ind of a name is )ossarian51
&ieutenant S%heiss'opf had the fa%ts at his fingertips" 1#t1s )ossarian1s
name, sir,1 he e4plained"
1)es, # suppose it is" -idn1t you .hisper to )ossarian that .e %ouldn1t punish
you51
1(h, no, sir" # .hispered to him that you %ouldn1t find me guilty =1
1# may !e stupid,1 interrupted the %olonel, 1!ut the distin%tion es%apes me" #
guess # am pretty stupid, !e%ause the distin%tion es%apes me"1
1;=1
1)ou1re a .indy son of a !it%h, aren1t you5 ,o!ody as'ed you for
%larifi%ation and you1re gi$ing me %larifi%ation" # .as ma'ing a statement, not
as'ing for %larifi%ation" )ou are a .indy son of a !it%h, aren1t you51
1,o, Sir"1
1,o, sir5 +re you %alling me a goddam liar51
1(h, no, sir"1
1Then you1re a .indy son of a !it%h, aren1t you51
1,o, sir"1
1+re you a .indy son of a !it%h51
1,o, sir"1
16oddammit, you are trying to pi%' a fight .ith me" 7or t.o stin'ing %ents #1d
/ump o$er this !ig fat ta!le and rip your stin'ing, %o.ardly !ody apart lim!
from lim!"1
1-o itB -o itB1 %ried Ma/or Met%alf
1Met%alf, you stin'ing son of a !it%h" -idn1t # tell you to 'eep your stin'ing,
%o.ardly, stupid mouth shut51
1)es, sir" #1m sorry, sir"1
1Then suppose you do it"1
1# .as only trying to learn, sir" The only .ay a person %an learn is !y trying"1
1;ho says so51
1$ery!ody says so, sir" $en &ieutenant S%heiss'opf says so"1
1-o you say so51
1)es, sir,1 said &ieutenant S%heiss'opf" 13ut e$ery!ody says so"1
1;ell, Met%alf, suppose you try 'eeping that stupid mouth of yours shut, and
may!e that1s the .ay you1ll learn ho." ,o., .here .ere .e5 *ead me
!a%' the last line"1
1 G*ead me !a%' the last line,G 1 read !a%' the %orporal .ho %ould ta'e
shorthand"
1,ot my last line, stupidB1 the %olonel shouted" 1Some!ody else1s"1
1 G*ead me !a%' the last line,G 1 read !a%' the %orporal"
1That1s my last line againB1 shrie'ed the %olonel, turning purple .ith anger"
1(h, no, sir,1 %orre%ted the %orporal" 1That1s my last line" # read it to you /ust a
moment ago" -on1t you remem!er, sir5 #t .as only a moment ago"1
1(h, my 6odB *ead me !a%' his last line, stupid" Say, .hat the hell1s your
name, any.ay51
1Popin/ay, sir"1
1;ell, you1re ne4t, Popin/ay" +s soon as his trial ends, your trial !egins" 6et
it51
1)es, sir" ;hat .ill # !e %harged .ith51
1;hat the hell differen%e does that ma'e5 -id you hear .hat he as'ed me5
)ou1re going to learn, Popin/ay = the minute .e finish .ith Cle$inger you1re
going to learn" Cadet Cle$inger, .hat did = )ou are Cadet Cle$inger, aren1t
you, and not Popin/ay51
1)es, sir"1
16ood" ;hat did =1
1#1m Popin/ay, sir"1
1Popin/ay, is your father a millionaire, or a mem!er of the Senate51
1,o, sir"1
1Then you1re up shit %ree', Popin/ay, .ithout a paddle" He1s not a general or
a high9ran'ing mem!er of the +dministration, is he51
1,o, sir"1
1That1s good" ;hat does your father do51
1He1s dead, sir"1
1That1s $ery good" )ou really are up the %ree', Popin/ay" #s Popin/ay really
your name5 Just .hat the hell 'ind of a name is Popin/ay any.ay5 # don1t
li'e it"1
1#t1s Popin/ay1s name, sir,1 &ieutenant S%heiss'opf e4plained"
1;ell, # don1t li'e it, Popin/ay, and # /ust %an1t .ait to rip your stin'ing,
%o.ardly !ody apart lim! from lim!" Cadet Cle$inger, .ill you please repeat
.hat the hell it .as you did or didn1t .hisper to )ossarian late last night in
the latrine51
1)es, sir" # said that you %ouldn1t find me guilty =1
1;e1ll ta'e it from there" Pre%isely .hat did you mean, Cadet Cle$inger,
.hen you said .e %ouldn1t find you guilty51
1# didn1t say you %ouldn1t find me guilty, sir"1
1;hen51
1;hen .hat, sir51
16oddammit, are you going to start pumping me again51
1,o, sir" #1m sorry, sir"1
1Then ans.er the 2uestion" ;hen didn1t you say .e %ouldn1t find you
guilty51
1&ate last night in the latrine, sir"1
1#s that the only time you didn1t say it51
1,o, sir" # al.ays didn1t say you %ouldn1t find me guilty, sir" ;hat # did say to
)ossarian .as =1
1,o!ody as'ed you .hat you did say to )ossarian" ;e as'ed you .hat you
didn1t say to him" ;e1re not at all interested in .hat you did say to
)ossarian" #s that %lear51
1)es, sir"1
1Then .e1ll go on" ;hat did you say to )ossarian51
1# said to him, sir, that you %ouldn1t find me guilty of the offense .ith .hi%h #
am %harged and still !e faithful to the %ause of?1
1(f .hat5 )ou1re mum!ling"1
1Stop mum!ling"1
1)es, sir"1
1+nd mum!le GsirG .hen you do"1
1Met%alf, you !astardB1
1)es, sir,1 mum!led Cle$inger" 1(f /usti%e, sir" That you %ouldn1t find =1
1Justi%e51 The %olonel .as astounded" 1;hat is /usti%e51
1Justi%e, sir =1
1That1s not .hat /usti%e is,1 the %olonel /eered, and !egan pounding the ta!le
again .ith his !ig fat hand" 1That1s .hat >arl Mar4 is" #1ll tell you .hat /usti%e
is" Justi%e is a 'nee in the gut from the floor on the %hin at night snea'y .ith
a 'nife !rought up do.n on the maga0ine of a !attleship sand!agged
underhanded in the dar' .ithout a .ord of .arning" 6arroting" That1s .hat
/usti%e is .hen .e1$e all got to !e tough enough and rough enough to fight
3illy Petrolle" 7rom the hip" 6et it51
1,o, sir"1
1-on1t sir meB1
1)es, sir"1
1+nd say GsirG .hen you don1t,1 ordered Ma/or Met%alf"
Cle$inger .as guilty, of %ourse, or he .ould not ha$e !een a%%used, and
sin%e the only .ay to pro$e it .as to find him guilty, it .as their patrioti%
duty to do so" He .as senten%ed to .al' fifty9se$en punishment tours"
Popin/ay .as lo%'ed up to !e taught a lesson, and Ma/or Met%alf .as
shipped to the Solomon #slands to !ury !odies" + punishment tour for
Cle$inger .as fifty minutes of a .ee'end hour spent pa%ing !a%' and forth
!efore the pro$ost marshal1s !uilding .ith a ton of an unloaded rifle on his
shoulder"
#t .as all $ery %onfusing to Cle$inger" There .ere many strange things
ta'ing pla%e, !ut the strangest of all, to Cle$inger, .as the hatred, the
!rutal, un%loa'ed, ine4ora!le hatred of the mem!ers of the +%tion 3oard,
gla0ing their unforgi$ing e4pressions .ith a hard, $indi%ti$e surfa%e, glo.ing
in their narro.ed eyes malignantly li'e ine4tinguisha!le %oals" Cle$inger
.as stunned to dis%o$er it" They .ould ha$e lyn%hed him if they %ould"
They .ere three gro.n men and he .as a !oy, and they hated him and
.ished him dead" They had hated him !efore he %ame, hated him .hile he
.as there, hated him after he left, %arried their hatred for him a.ay
malignantly li'e some pampered treasure after they separated from ea%h
other and .ent to their solitude"
)ossarian had done his !est to .arn him the night !efore" 1)ou ha$en1t got
a %han%e, 'id,1 he told him glumly" 1They hate Je.s"1
13ut #1m not Je.ish,1 ans.ered Cle$inger"
1#t .ill ma'e no differen%e,1 )ossarian promised, and )ossarian .as right"
1They1re after e$ery!ody"1
Cle$inger re%oiled from their hatred as though from a !linding light" These
three men .ho hated him spo'e his language and .ore his uniform, !ut he
sa. their lo$eless fa%es set immuta!ly into %ramped, mean lines of hostility
and understood instantly that no.here in the .orld, not in all the fas%ist
tan's or planes or su!marines, not in the !un'ers !ehind the ma%hine guns
or mortars or !ehind the !lo.ing flame thro.ers, not e$en among all the
e4pert gunners of the %ra%' Hermann 6oering +ntiair%raft -i$ision or
among the grisly %onni$ers in all the !eer halls in Muni%h and e$ery.here
else, .ere there men .ho hated him more"
Maor Maor Maor Maor
Ma/or Ma/or Ma/or Ma/or had had a diffi%ult time from the start"
&i'e Minni$er Chee$y, he had !een !orn too late = e4a%tly thirty9si4 hours
too late for the physi%al .ell9!eing of his mother, a gentle, ailing .oman
.ho, after a full day and a half1s agony in the rigors of %hild!irth, .as
depleted of all resol$e to pursue further the argument o$er the ne. %hild1s
name" #n the hospital %orridor, her hus!and mo$ed ahead .ith the
unsmiling determination of someone .ho 'ne. .hat he .as a!out" Ma/or
Ma/or1s father .as a to.ering, gaunt man in hea$y shoes and a !la%'
.oolen suit" He filled out the !irth %ertifi%ate .ithout faltering, !etraying no
emotion at all as he handed the %ompleted form to the floor nurse" The
nurse too' it from him .ithout %omment and padded out of sight" He
.at%hed her go, .ondering .hat she had on underneath"
3a%' in the .ard, he found his .ife lying $an2uished !eneath the !lan'ets
li'e a desi%%ated old $egeta!le, .rin'led, dry and .hite, her enfee!led
tissues a!solutely still" Her !ed .as at the $ery end of the .ard, near a
%ra%'ed .indo. thi%'ened .ith grime" *ain splashed from a moiling s'y
and the day .as dreary and %old" #n other parts of the hospital %hal'y
people .ith aged, !lue lips .ere dying on time" The man stood ere%t !eside
the !ed and ga0ed do.n at the .oman a long time"
1# ha$e named the !oy Cale!,1 he announ%ed to her finally in a soft $oi%e" 1#n
a%%ordan%e .ith your .ishes"1 The .oman made no ans.er, and slo.ly the
man smiled" He had planned it all perfe%tly, for his .ife .as asleep and
.ould ne$er 'no. that he had lied to her as she lay on her si%'!ed in the
poor .ard of the %ounty hospital"
7rom this meager !eginning had sprung the ineffe%tual s2uadron
%ommander .ho .as no. spending the !etter part of ea%h .or'ing day in
Pianosa forging ;ashington #r$ing1s name to offi%ial do%uments" Ma/or
Ma/or forged diligently .ith his left hand to elude identifi%ation, insulated
against intrusion !y his o.n undesired authority and %amouflaged in his
false musta%he and dar' glasses as an additional safeguard against
dete%tion !y anyone %han%ing to peer in through the do.dy %elluloid
.indo. from .hi%h some thief had %ar$ed out a sli%e" #n !et.een these t.o
lo. points of his !irth and his su%%ess lay thirty9one dismal years of
loneliness and frustration"
Ma/or Ma/or had !een !orn too late and too medio%re" Some men are !orn
medio%re, some men a%hie$e medio%rity, and some men ha$e medio%rity
thrust upon them" ;ith Ma/or Ma/or it had !een all three" $en among men
la%'ing all distin%tion he ine$ita!ly stood out as a man la%'ing more
distin%tion than all the rest, and people .ho met him .ere al.ays
impressed !y ho. unimpressi$e he .as"
Ma/or Ma/or had three stri'es on him from the !eginning = his mother, his
father and Henry 7onda, to .hom he !ore a si%'ly resem!lan%e almost
from the moment of his !irth" &ong !efore he e$en suspe%ted .ho Henry
7onda .as, he found himself the su!/e%t of unflattering %omparisons
e$ery.here he .ent" Total strangers sa. fit to depre%ate him, .ith the
result that he .as stri%'en early .ith a guilty fear of people and an
o!se2uious impulse to apologi0e to so%iety for the fa%t that he .as not
Henry 7onda" #t .as not an easy tas' for him to go through life loo'ing
something li'e Henry 7onda, !ut he ne$er on%e thought of 2uitting, ha$ing
inherited his perse$eran%e from his father, a lan'y man .ith a good sense
of humor"
Ma/or Ma/or1s father .as a so!er 6od9fearing man .hose idea of a good
/o'e .as to lie a!out his age" He .as a long9lim!ed farmer, a 6od9fearing,
freedom9lo$ing, la.9a!iding rugged indi$idualist .ho held that federal aid to
anyone !ut farmers .as %reeping so%ialism" He ad$o%ated thrift and hard
.or' and disappro$ed of loose .omen .ho turned him do.n" His spe%ialty
.as alfalfa, and he made a good thing out of not gro.ing any" The
go$ernment paid him .ell for e$ery !ushel of alfalfa he did not gro." The
more alfalfa he did not gro., the more money the go$ernment ga$e him,
and he spent e$ery penny he didn1t earn on ne. land to in%rease the
amount of alfalfa he did not produ%e" Ma/or Ma/or1s father .or'ed .ithout
rest at not gro.ing alfalfa" (n long .inter e$enings he remained indoors
and did not mend harness, and he sprang out of !ed at the %ra%' of noon
e$ery day /ust to ma'e %ertain that the %hores .ould not !e done" He
in$ested in land .isely and soon .as not gro.ing more alfalfa than any
other man in the %ounty" ,eigh!ors sought him out for ad$i%e on all
su!/e%ts, for he had made mu%h money and .as therefore .ise" 1+s ye
so., so shall ye reap,1 he %ounseled one and all, and e$eryone said,
1+men"1
Ma/or Ma/or1s father .as an outspo'en %hampion of e%onomy in
go$ernment, pro$ided it did not interfere .ith the sa%red duty of go$ernment
to pay farmers as mu%h as they %ould get for all the alfalfa they produ%ed
that no one else .anted or for not produ%ing any alfalfa at all" He .as a
proud and independent man .ho .as opposed to unemployment insuran%e
and ne$er hesitated to .hine, .himper, .heedle, and e4tort for as mu%h as
he %ould get from .home$er he %ould" He .as a de$out man .hose pulpit
.as e$ery.here"
1The &ord ga$e us good farmers t.o strong hands so that .e %ould ta'e as
mu%h as .e %ould gra! .ith !oth of them,1 he prea%hed .ith ardor on the
%ourthouse steps or in front of the +IP as he .aited for the !ad9tempered
gum9%he.ing young %ashier he .as after to step outside and gi$e him a
nasty loo'" 1#f the &ord didn1t .ant us to ta'e as mu%h as .e %ould get,1 he
prea%hed, 1He .ouldn1t ha$e gi$en us t.o good hands to ta'e it .ith"1 +nd
the others murmured, 1+men"1
Ma/or Ma/or1s father had a Cal$inist1s faith in predestination and %ould
per%ei$e distin%tly ho. e$eryone1s misfortunes !ut his o.n .ere
e4pressions of 6od1s .ill" He smo'ed %igarettes and dran' .his'ey, and he
thri$ed on good .it and stimulating intelle%tual %on$ersation, parti%ularly his
o.n .hen he .as lying a!out his age or telling that good one a!out 6od
and his .ife1s diffi%ulties in deli$ering Ma/or Ma/or" The good one a!out 6od
and his .ife1s diffi%ulties had to do .ith the fa%t that it had ta'en 6od only
si4 days to produ%e the .hole .orld, .hereas his .ife had spent a full day
and a half in la!or /ust to produ%e Ma/or Ma/or" + lesser man might ha$e
.a$ered that day in the hospital %orridor, a .ea'er man might ha$e
%ompromised on su%h e4%ellent su!stitutes as -rum Ma/or, Minor Ma/or,
Sergeant Ma/or, or C" Sharp Ma/or, !ut Ma/or Ma/or1s father had .aited
fourteen years for /ust su%h an opportunity, and he .as not a person to
.aste it" Ma/or Ma/or1s father had a good /o'e a!out opportunity"
1(pportunity only 'no%'s on%e in this .orld,1 he .ould say" Ma/or Ma/or1s
father repeated this good /o'e at e$ery opportunity"
3eing !orn .ith a si%'ly resem!lan%e to Henry 7onda .as the first of along
series of pra%ti%al /o'es of .hi%h destiny .as to ma'e Ma/or Ma/or the
unhappy $i%tim throughout his /oyless life" 3eing !orn Ma/or Ma/or Ma/or
.as the se%ond" The fa%t that he had !een !orn Ma/or Ma/or Ma/or .as a
se%ret 'no.n only to his father" ,ot until Ma/or Ma/or .as enrolling in
'indergarten .as the dis%o$ery of his real name made, and then the effe%ts
.ere disastrous" The ne.s 'illed his mother, .ho /ust lost her .ill to li$e
and .asted a.ay and died, .hi%h .as /ust fine .ith his father, .ho had
de%ided to marry the !ad9tempered girl at the +IP if he had to and .ho had
not !een optimisti% a!out his %han%es of getting his .ife off the land .ithout
paying her some money or flogging her"
(n Ma/or Ma/or himself the %onse2uen%es .ere only slightly less se$ere" #t
.as a harsh and stunning reali0ation that .as for%ed upon him at so tender
an age, the reali0ation that he .as not, as he had al.ays !een led to
!elie$e, Cale! Ma/or, !ut instead .as some total stranger named Ma/or
Ma/or Ma/or a!out .hom he 'ne. a!solutely nothing and a!out .hom
no!ody else had e$er heard !efore" ;hat playmates he had .ithdre. from
him and ne$er returned, disposed, as they .ere, to distrust all strangers,
espe%ially one .ho had already de%ei$ed them !y pretending to !e
someone they had 'no.n for years" ,o!ody .ould ha$e anything to do .ith
him" He !egan to drop things and to trip" He had a shy and hopeful manner
in ea%h ne. %onta%t, and he .as al.ays disappointed" 3e%ause he needed
a friend so desperately, he ne$er found one" He gre. a.'.ardly into a tall,
strange, dreamy !oy .ith fragile eyes and a $ery deli%ate mouth .hose
tentati$e, groping smile %ollapsed instantly into hurt disorder at e$ery fresh
re!uff"
He .as polite to his elders, .ho disli'ed him" ;hate$er his elders told him
to do, he did" They told him to loo' !efore he leaped, and he al.ays loo'ed
!efore he leaped" They told him ne$er to put off until the ne4t day .hat he
%ould do the day !efore, and he ne$er did" He .as told to honor his father
and his mother, and he honored his father and his mother" He .as told that
he should not 'ill, and he did not 'ill, until he got into the +rmy" Then he
.as told to 'ill, and he 'illed" He turned the other %hee' on e$ery o%%asion
and al.ays did unto others e4a%tly as he .ould ha$e had others do unto
him" ;hen he ga$e to %harity, his left hand ne$er 'ne. .hat his right hand
.as doing" He ne$er on%e too' the name of the &ord his 6od in $ain,
%ommitted adultery or %o$eted his neigh!or1s ass" #n fa%t, he lo$ed his
neigh!or and ne$er e$en !ore false .itness against him" Ma/or Ma/or1s
elders disli'ed him !e%ause he .as su%h a flagrant non%onformist"
Sin%e he had nothing !etter to do .ell in, he did .ell in s%hool" +t the state
uni$ersity he too' his studies so seriously that he .as suspe%ted !y the
homose4uals of !eing a Communist and suspe%ted !y the Communists of
!eing a homose4ual" He ma/ored in nglish history, .hi%h .as a mista'e"
1$nglish historyB1 roared the sil$er9maned senior Senator from his state
indignantly" 1;hat1s the matter .ith +meri%an history5 +meri%an history is
as good as any history in the .orldB1
Ma/or Ma/or s.it%hed immediately to +meri%an literature, !ut not !efore the
7"3"#" had opened a file on him" There .ere si4 people and a S%ot%h terrier
inha!iting the remote farmhouse Ma/or Ma/or %alled home, and fi$e of them
and the S%ot%h terrier turned out to !e agents for the 7"3"#" Soon they had
enough derogatory information on Ma/or Ma/or to do .hate$er they .anted
to .ith him" The only thing they %ould find to do .ith him, ho.e$er, .as
ta'e him into the +rmy as a pri$ate and ma'e him a ma/or four days later so
that Congressmen .ith nothing else on their minds %ould go trotting !a%'
and forth through the streets of ;ashington, -"C", %hanting, 1;ho promoted
Ma/or Ma/or5 ;ho promoted Ma/or Ma/or51
+%tually, Ma/or Ma/or had !een promoted !y an #"3"M" ma%hine .ith a
sense of humor almost as 'een as his father1s" ;hen .ar !ro'e out, he .as
still do%ile and %ompliant" They told him to enlist, and he enlisted" They told
him to apply for a$iation %adet training, and he applied for a$iation %adet
training, and the $ery ne4t night found himself standing !arefoot in i%y mud
at three o1%lo%' in the morning !efore a tough and !elligerent sergeant from
the South.est .ho told them he %ould !eat hell out of any man in his outfit
and .as ready to pro$e it" The re%ruits in his s2uadron had all !een sha'en
roughly a.a'e only minutes !efore !y the sergeant1s %orporals and told to
assem!le in front of the administration tent" #t .as still raining on Ma/or
Ma/or" They fell into ran's in the %i$ilian %lothes they had !rought into the
+rmy .ith them three days !efore" Those .ho had lingered to put shoes
and so%'s on .ere sent !a%' to their %old, .et, dar' tents to remo$e them,
and they .ere all !arefoot in the mud as the sergeant ran his stony eyes
o$er their fa%es and told them he %ould !eat hell out of any man in his outfit"
,o one .as in%lined to dispute him"
Ma/or Ma/or1s une4pe%ted promotion to ma/or the ne4t day plunged the
!elligerent sergeant into a !ottomless gloom, for he .as no longer a!le to
!oast that he %ould !eat hell out of any man in his outfit" He !rooded for
hours in his tent li'e Saul, re%ei$ing no $isitors, .hile his elite guard of
%orporals stood dis%ouraged .at%h outside" +t three o1%lo%' in the morning
he found his solution, and Ma/or Ma/or and the other re%ruits .ere again
sha'en roughly a.a'e and ordered to assem!le !arefoot in the dri00ly glare
at the administration tent, .here the sergeant .as already .aiting, his fists
%len%hed on his hips %o%'ily, so eager to spea' that he %ould hardly .ait for
them to arri$e"
1Me and Ma/or Ma/or,1 he !oasted, in the same tough, %lipped tones of the
night !efore, 1%an !eat hell out of any man in my outfit"1
The offi%ers on the !ase too' a%tion on the Ma/or Ma/or pro!lem later that
same day" Ho. %ould they %ope .ith a ma/or li'e Ma/or Ma/or5 To demean
him personally .ould !e to demean all other offi%ers of e2ual or lesser ran'"
To treat him .ith %ourtesy, on the other hand, .as unthin'a!le" 7ortunately,
Ma/or Ma/or had applied for a$iation %adet training" (rders transferring him
a.ay .ere sent to the mimeograph room late in the afternoon, and at three
o1%lo%' in the morning Ma/or Ma/or .as again sha'en roughly a.a'e,
!idden 6odspeed !y the sergeant and pla%ed a!oard a plane heading
.est"
&ieutenant S%heiss'opf turned .hite as a sheet .hen Ma/or Ma/or reported
to him in California .ith !are feet and mud%a'ed toes" Ma/or Ma/or had
ta'en it for granted that he .as !eing sha'en roughly a.a'e again to stand
!arefoot in the mud and had left his shoes and so%'s in the tent" The
%i$ilian %lothing in .hi%h he reported for duty to &ieutenant S%heiss'opf .as
rumpled and dirty" &ieutenant S%heiss'opf, .ho had not yet made his
reputation as a parader, shuddered $iolently at the pi%ture Ma/or Ma/or
.ould ma'e mar%hing !arefoot in his s2uadron that %oming Sunday"
16o to the hospital 2ui%'ly,1 he mum!led, .hen he had re%o$ered suffi%iently
to spea', 1and tell them you1re si%'" Stay there until your allo.an%e for
uniforms %at%hes up .ith you and you ha$e some money to !uy some
%lothes" +nd some shoes" 3uy some shoes"1
1)es, sir"1
1# don1t thin' you ha$e to %all me Gsir,G sir,1 &ieutenant S%heiss'opf pointed
out" 1)ou outran' me"1
1)es, sir" # may outran' you, sir, !ut you1re still my %ommanding offi%er"1
1)es, sir, that1s right,1 &ieutenant S%heiss'opf agreed" 1)ou may outran' me,
sir, !ut #1m still your %ommanding offi%er" So you !etter do .hat # tell you,
sir, or you1ll get into trou!le" 6o to the hospital and tell them you1re si%', sir"
Stay there until your uniform allo.an%e %at%hes up .ith you and you ha$e
some money to !uy some uniforms"1
1)es, sir"1
1+nd some shoes, sir" 3uy some shoes the first %han%e you get, sir"1
1)es, sir" # .ill, sir"1
1Than' you, sir"1
&ife in %adet s%hool for Ma/or Ma/or .as no different than life had !een for
him all along" ;hoe$er he .as .ith al.ays .anted him to !e .ith someone
else" His instru%tors ga$e him preferred treatment at e$ery stage in order to
push him along 2ui%'ly and !e rid of him" #n almost no time he had his
pilot1s .ings and found himself o$erseas, .here things !egan suddenly to
impro$e" +ll his life, Ma/or Ma/or had longed for !ut one thing, to !e
a!sor!ed, and in Pianosa, for a .hile, he finally .as" *an' meant little to
the men on %om!at duty, and relations !et.een offi%ers and enlisted men
.ere rela4ed and informal" Men .hose names he didn1t e$en 'no. said 1Hi1
and in$ited him to go s.imming or play !as'et!all" His ripest hours .ere
spent in the day9long !as'et!all games no one ga$e a damn a!out .inning"
S%ore .as ne$er 'ept, and the num!er of players might $ary from one to
thirty9fi$e" Ma/or Ma/or had ne$er played !as'et!all or any other game
!efore, !ut his great, !o!!ing height and rapturous enthusiasm helped
ma'e up for his innate %lumsiness and la%' of e4perien%e" Ma/or Ma/or
found true happiness there on the lopsided !as'et!all %ourt .ith the offi%ers
and enlisted men .ho .ere almost his friends" #f there .ere no .inners,
there .ere no losers, and Ma/or Ma/or en/oyed e$ery gam!oling moment
right up till the day Colonel Cath%art roared up in his /eep after Ma/or -uluth
.as 'illed and made it impossi!le for him e$er to en/oy playing !as'et!all
there again"
1)ou1re the ne. s2uadron %ommander,1 Colonel Cath%art had shouted
rudely a%ross the railroad dit%h to him" 13ut don1t thin' it means anything,
!e%ause it doesn1t" +ll it means is that you1re the ne. s2uadron
%ommander"1
Colonel Cath%art had nursed an impla%a!le grudge against Ma/or Ma/or for
a long time" + superfluous ma/or on his rolls meant an untidy ta!le of
organi0ation and ga$e ammunition to the men at T.enty9se$enth +ir 7or%e
Head2uarters .ho Colonel Cath%art .as positi$e .ere his enemies and
ri$als" Colonel Cath%art had !een praying for /ust some stro'e of good lu%'
li'e Ma/or -uluth1s death" He had !een plagued !y one e4tra ma/orA he no.
had an opening for one ma/or" He appointed Ma/or Ma/or s2uadron
%ommander and roared a.ay in his /eep as a!ruptly as he had %ome"
7or Ma/or Ma/or, it meant the end of the game" His fa%e flushed .ith
dis%omfort, and he .as rooted to the spot in dis!elief as the rain %louds
gathered a!o$e him again" ;hen he turned to his teammates, he
en%ountered a reef of %urious, refle%ti$e fa%es all ga0ing at him .oodenly
.ith morose and ins%ruta!le animosity" He shi$ered .ith shame" ;hen the
game resumed, it .as not good any longer" ;hen he dri!!led, no one tried
to stop himA .hen he %alled for a pass, .hoe$er had the !all passed itA and
.hen he missed a !as'et, no one ra%ed him for the re!ound" The only
$oi%e .as his o.n" The ne4t day .as the same, and the day after that he
did not %ome !a%'"
+lmost on %ue, e$eryone in the s2uadron stopped tal'ing to him and started
staring at him" He .al'ed through life self9%ons%iously .ith do.n%ast eyes
and !urning %hee's, the o!/e%t of %ontempt, en$y, suspi%ion, resentment
and mali%ious innuendo e$ery.here he .ent" People .ho had hardly
noti%ed his resem!lan%e to Henry 7onda !efore no. ne$er %eased
dis%ussing it, and there .ere e$en those .ho hinted sinisterly that Ma/or
Ma/or had !een ele$ated to s2uadron %ommander because he resem!led
Henry 7onda" Captain 3la%', .ho had aspired to the position himself,
maintained that Ma/or Ma/or really #as Henry 7onda !ut .as too
%hi%'enshit to admit it"
Ma/or Ma/or floundered !e.ilderedly from one em!arrassing %atastrophe to
another" ;ithout %onsulting him, Sergeant To.ser had his !elongings
mo$ed into the roomy trailer Ma/or -uluth had o%%upied alone, and .hen
Ma/or Ma/or %ame rushing !reathlessly into the orderly room to report the
theft of his things, the young %orporal there s%ared him half out of his .its
!y leaping to his feet and shouting '%ttention' the moment he appeared"
Ma/or Ma/or snapped to attention .ith all the rest in the orderly room,
.ondering .hat important personage had entered !ehind him" Minutes
passed in rigid silen%e, and the .hole lot of them might ha$e stood there at
attention till doomsday if Ma/or -an!y had not dropped !y from 6roup to
%ongratulate Ma/or Ma/or t.enty minutes later and put them all at ease"
Ma/or Ma/or fared e$en more lamenta!ly at the mess hall, .here Milo, his
fa%e fluttery .ith smiles, .as .aiting to usher him proudly to a small ta!le
he had set up in front and de%orated .ith an em!roidered ta!le%loth and a
nosegay of posies in a pin' %ut9glass $ase" Ma/or Ma/or hung !a%' .ith
horror, !ut he .as not !old enough to resist .ith all the others .at%hing"
$en Ha$ermeyer had lifted his head from his plate to gape at him .ith his
hea$y, pendulous /a." Ma/or Ma/or su!mitted mee'ly to Milo1s tugging and
%o.ered in disgra%e at his pri$ate ta!le throughout the .hole meal" The
food .as ashes in his mouth, !ut he s.allo.ed e$ery mouthful rather than
ris' offending any of the men %onne%ted .ith its preparation" +lone .ith
Milo later, Ma/or Ma/or felt protest stir for the first time and said he .ould
prefer to %ontinue eating .ith the other offi%ers" Milo told him it .ouldn1t
.or'"
1# don1t see .hat there is to .or',1 Ma/or Ma/or argued" 1,othing e$er
happened !efore"1
1)ou .ere ne$er the s2uadron %ommander !efore"1
1Ma/or -uluth .as the s2uadron %ommander and he al.ays ate at the same
ta!le .ith the rest of the men"1
1#t .as different .ith Ma/or -uluth, Sir"1
1#n .hat .ay .as it different .ith Ma/or -uluth51
1# .ish you .ouldn1t as' me that, sir,1 said Milo"
1#s it !e%ause # loo' li'e Henry 7onda51 Ma/or Ma/or mustered the %ourage
to demand"
1Some people say you are Henry 7onda,1 Milo ans.ered"
1;ell, #1m not Henry 7onda,1 Ma/or Ma/or e4%laimed, in a $oi%e 2ua$ering
.ith e4asperation" 1+nd # don1t loo' the least !it li'e him" +nd e$en if # do
loo' li'e Henry 7onda, .hat differen%e does that ma'e51
1#t doesn1t ma'e any differen%e" That1s .hat #1m trying to tell you, sir" #t1s /ust
not the same .ith you as it .as .ith Ma/or -uluth"1
+nd it /ust .asn1t the same, for .hen Ma/or Ma/or, at the ne4t meal, stepped
from the food %ounter to sit .ith the others at the regular ta!les, he .as
fro0en in his tra%'s !y the impenetra!le .all of antagonism thro.n up !y
their fa%es and stood petrified .ith his tray 2ui$ering in his hands until Milo
glided for.ard .ordlessly to res%ue him, !y leading him tamely to his
pri$ate ta!le" Ma/or Ma/or ga$e up after that and al.ays ate at his ta!le
alone .ith his !a%' to the others" He .as %ertain they resented him
!e%ause he seemed too good to eat .ith them no. that he .as s2uadron
%ommander" There .as ne$er any %on$ersation in the mess tent .hen
Ma/or Ma/or .as present" He .as %ons%ious that other offi%ers tried to a$oid
eating at the same time, and e$eryone .as greatly relie$ed .hen he
stopped %oming there altogether and !egan ta'ing his meals in his trailer"
Ma/or Ma/or !egan forging ;ashington #r$ing1s name to offi%ial do%uments
the day after the first C"#"-" man sho.ed up to interrogate him a!out
some!ody at the hospital .ho had !een doing it and ga$e him the idea" He
had !een !ored and dissatisfied in his ne. position" He had !een made
s2uadron %ommander !ut had no idea .hat he .as supposed to do as
s2uadron %ommander, unless all he .as supposed to do .as forge
;ashington #r$ing1s name to offi%ial do%uments and listen to the isolated
%lin's and thumps of Ma/or 9 de Co$erley1s horseshoes falling to the ground
outside the .indo. of his small offi%e in the rear of the orderly9room tent"
He .as hounded in%essantly !y an impression of $ital duties left unfulfilled
and .aited in $ain for his responsi!ilities to o$erta'e him" He seldom .ent
out unless it .as a!solutely ne%essary, for he %ould not get used to !eing
stared at" (%%asionally, the monotony .as !ro'en !y some offi%er or
enlisted man Sergeant To.ser referred to him on some matter that Ma/or
Ma/or .as una!le to %ope .ith and referred right !a%' to Sergeant To.ser
for sensi!le disposition" ;hate$er he .as supposed to get done as
s2uadron %ommander apparently .as getting done .ithout any assistan%e
from him" He gre. moody and depressed" +t times he thought seriously of
going .ith all his sorro.s to see the %haplain, !ut the %haplain seemed so
o$er!urdened .ith miseries of his o.n that Ma/or Ma/or shran' from adding
to his trou!les" 3esides, he .as not 2uite sure if %haplains .ere for
s2uadron %ommanders"
He had ne$er !een 2uite sure a!out Ma/or 9 de Co$erley, either, .ho, .hen
he .as not a.ay renting apartments or 'idnaping foreign la!orers, had
nothing more pressing to do than pit%h horseshoes" Ma/or Ma/or often paid
stri%t attention to the horseshoes falling softly against the earth or riding
do.n around the small steel pegs in the ground" He pee'ed out at Ma/or 9
de Co$erley for hours and mar$eled that someone so august had nothing
more important to do" He .as often tempted to /oin Ma/or 9 de Co$erley, !ut
pit%hing horseshoes all day long seemed almost as dull as signing 1Ma/or
Ma/or Ma/or1 to offi%ial do%uments, and Ma/or 9 de Co$erley1s %ountenan%e
.as so for!idding that Ma/or Ma/or .as in a.e of approa%hing him"
Ma/or Ma/or .ondered a!out his relationship to Ma/or 9 de Co$erley and
a!out Ma/or 9 de Co$erley1s relationship to him" He 'ne. that Ma/or 9 de
Co$erley .as his e4e%uti$e offi%er, !ut he did not 'no. .hat that meant,
and he %ould not de%ide .hether in Ma/or 9 de Co$erley he .as !lessed
.ith a lenient superior or %ursed .ith a delin2uent su!ordinate" He did not
.ant to as' Sergeant To.ser, of .hom he .as se%retly afraid, and there
.as no one else he %ould as', least of all Ma/or 9 de Co$erley" 7e. people
e$er dared approa%h Ma/or 9 de Co$erley a!out anything and the only
offi%er foolish enough to pit%h one of his horseshoes .as stri%'en the $ery
ne4t day .ith the .orst %ase of Pianosan %rud that 6us or ;es or e$en -o%
-anee'a had e$er seen or e$en heard a!out" $eryone .as positi$e the
disease had !een infli%ted upon the poor offi%er in retri!ution !y Ma/or 9 de
Co$erley, although no one .as sure ho."
Most of the offi%ial do%uments that %ame to Ma/or Ma/or1s des' did not
%on%ern him at all" The $ast ma/ority %onsisted of allusions to prior
%ommuni%ations .hi%h Ma/or Ma/or had ne$er seen or heard of" There .as
ne$er any need to loo' them up, for the instru%tions .ere in$aria!ly to
disregard" #n the spa%e of a single produ%ti$e minute, therefore, he might
endorse t.enty separate do%uments ea%h ad$ising him to pay a!solutely no
attention to any of the others" 7rom 6eneral Pe%'em1s offi%e on the
mainland %ame proli4 !ulletins ea%h day headed !y su%h %heery homilies
as 1Pro%rastination is the Thief of Time1 and 1Cleanliness is ,e4t to
6odliness"1
6eneral Pe%'em1s %ommuni%ations a!out %leanliness and pro%rastination
made Ma/or Ma/or feel li'e a filthy pro%rastinator, and he al.ays got those
out of the .ay as 2ui%'ly as he %ould" The only offi%ial do%uments that
interested him .ere those o%%asional ones pertaining to the unfortunate
se%ond lieutenant .ho had !een 'illed on the mission o$er (r$ieto less
than t.o hours after he arri$ed on Pianosa and .hose partly unpa%'ed
!elongings .ere still in )ossarian1s tent" Sin%e the unfortunate lieutenant
had reported to the operations tent instead of to the orderly room, Sergeant
To.ser had de%ided that it .ould !e safest to report him as ne$er ha$ing
reported to the s2uadron at all, and the o%%asional do%uments relating to
him dealt .ith the fa%t that he seemed to ha$e $anished into thin air, .hi%h,
in one .ay, .as e4a%tly .hat did happen to him" #n the long run, Ma/or
Ma/or .as grateful for the offi%ial do%uments that %ame to his des', for
sitting in his offi%e signing them all day long .as a lot !etter than sitting in
his offi%e all day long not signing them" They ga$e him something to do"
#ne$ita!ly, e$ery do%ument he signed %ame !a%' .ith a fresh page added
for a ne. signature !y him after inter$als of from t.o to ten days" They
.ere al.ays mu%h thi%'er than formerly, for in !et.een the sheet !earing
his last endorsement and the sheet added for his ne. endorsement .ere
the sheets !earing the most re%ent endorsements of all the other offi%ers in
s%attered lo%ations .ho .ere also o%%upied in signing their names to that
same offi%ial do%ument" Ma/or Ma/or gre. despondent as he .at%hed
simple %ommuni%ations s.ell prodigiously into huge manus%ripts" ,o matter
ho. many times he signed one, it al.ays %ame !a%' for still another
signature, and he !egan to despair of e$er !eing free of any of them" (ne
day = it .as the day after the C"#"-" man1s first $isit = Ma/or Ma/or signed
;ashington #r$ing1s name to one of the do%uments instead of his o.n, /ust
to see ho. it .ould feel" He li'ed it" He li'ed it so mu%h that for the rest of
that afternoon he did the same .ith all the offi%ial do%uments" #t .as an a%t
of impulsi$e fri$olity and re!ellion for .hi%h he 'ne. after.ard he .ould !e
punished se$erely" The ne4t morning he entered his offi%e in trepidation
and .aited to see .hat .ould happen" ,othing happened"
He had sinned, and it .as good, for none of the do%uments to .hi%h he had
signed ;ashington #r$ing1s name e$er %ame !a%'B Here, at last, .as
progress, and Ma/or Ma/or thre. himself into his ne. %areer .ith
uninhi!ited gusto" Signing ;ashington #r$ing1s name to offi%ial do%uments
.as not mu%h of a %areer, perhaps, !ut it .as less monotonous than
signing 1Ma/or Ma/or Ma/or"1 ;hen ;ashington #r$ing did gro. monotonous,
he %ould re$erse the order and sign #r$ing ;ashington until that gre.
monotonous" +nd he .as getting something done, for none of the
do%uments signed .ith either of these names e$er %ame !a%' to the
s2uadron"
;hat did %ome !a%', e$entually, .as a second C"#"-" man, mas2uerading
as a pilot" The men 'ne. he .as a C"#"-" man !e%ause he %onfided to them
he .as and urged ea%h of them not to re$eal his true identity to any of the
other men to .hom he had already %onfided that he .as a C"#"-" man"
1)ou1re the only one in the s2uadron .ho 'no.s #1m a C"#"-" man,1 he
%onfided to Ma/or Ma/or, 1and it1s a!solutely essential that it remain a se%ret
so that my effi%ien%y .on1t !e impaired" -o you understand51
1Sergeant To.ser 'no.s"1
1)es, # 'no." # had to tell him in order to get in to see you" 3ut # 'no. he
.on1t tell a soul under any %ir%umstan%es"1
1He told me,1 said Ma/or Ma/or" 1He told me there .as a C"#"-" man outside
to see me"1
1That !astard" #1ll ha$e to thro. a se%urity %he%' on him" # .ouldn1t lea$e any
top9se%ret do%uments lying around here if # .ere you" +t least not until #
ma'e my report"1
1# don1t get any top9se%ret do%uments,1 said Ma/or Ma/or"
1That1s the 'ind # mean" &o%' them in your %a!inet .here Sergeant To.ser
%an1t get his hands on them"1
1Sergeant To.ser has the only 'ey to the %a!inet"1
1#1m afraid .e1re .asting time,1 said the se%ond C"#"-" man rather stiffly" He
.as a !ris', pudgy, high9strung person .hose mo$ements .ere s.ift and
%ertain" He too' a num!er of photostats out of a large red e4pansion
en$elope he had !een hiding %onspi%uously !eneath a leather flight /a%'et
painted garishly .ith pi%tures of airplanes flying through orange !ursts of
fla' and .ith orderly ro.s of little !om!s signifying fifty9fi$e %om!at
missions flo.n" 1Ha$e you e$er seen any of these51
Ma/or Ma/or loo'ed .ith a !lan' e4pression at %opies of personal
%orresponden%e from the hospital on .hi%h the %ensoring offi%er had .ritten
1;ashington #r$ing1 or 1#r$ing ;ashington"1
1,o"1
1Ho. a!out these51
Ma/or Ma/or ga0ed ne4t at %opies of offi%ial do%uments addressed to him to
.hi%h he had !een signing the same signatures"
1,o"1
1#s the man .ho signed these names in your s2uadron51
1;hi%h one5 There are t.o names here"1
1ither one" ;e figure that ;ashington #r$ing and #r$ing ;ashington are
one man and that he1s using t.o names /ust to thro. us off the tra%'" That1s
done $ery often you 'no."1
1# don1t thin' there1s a man .ith either of those names in my s2uadron"1
+ loo' of disappointment %rossed the se%ond C"#"-" man1s fa%e" 1He1s a lot
%le$erer than .e thought,1 he o!ser$ed" 1He1s using a third name and posing
as someone else" +nd # thin'? yes, # thin' # 'no. .hat that third name is"1
;ith e4%itement and inspiration, he held another photostat out for Ma/or
Ma/or to study" 1Ho. a!out this51
Ma/or Ma/or !ent for.ard slightly and sa. a %opy of the pie%e of F mail from
.hi%h )ossarian had !la%'ed out e$erything !ut the name Mary and on
.hi%h he had .ritten, 1# yearn for you tragi%ally" *" (" Shipman, Chaplain,
:"S" +rmy"1 Ma/or Ma/or shoo' his head"
1#1$e ne$er seen it !efore"1
1-o you 'no. .ho *" (" Shipman is51
1He1s the group %haplain"1
1That lo%'s it up,1 said the se%ond C"#"-" man" 1;ashington #r$ing is the
group %haplain"1
Ma/or Ma/or felt a t.inge of alarm" 1*" (" Shipman is the group %haplain,1 he
%orre%ted"
1+re you sure51
1)es"1
1;hy should the group %haplain .rite this on a letter51
1Perhaps some!ody else .rote it and forged his name"1
1;hy should some!ody .ant to forge the group %haplain1s name51
1To es%ape dete%tion"1
1)ou may !e right,1 the se%ond C"#"-" man de%ided after an instant1s
hesitation, and sma%'ed his lips %risply" 1May!e .e1re %onfronted .ith a
gang, .ith t.o men .or'ing together .ho /ust happen to ha$e opposite
names" )es, #1m sure that1s it" (ne of them here in the s2uadron, one of
them up at the hospital and one of them .ith the %haplain" That ma'es
three men, doesn1t it5 +re you a!solutely sure you ne$er sa. any of these
offi%ial do%uments !efore51
1# .ould ha$e signed them if # had"1
1;ith .hose name51 as'ed the se%ond C"#"-" man %unningly" 1)ours or
;ashington #r$ing1s51
1;ith my o.n name,1 Ma/or Ma/or told him" 1# don1t e$en 'no. ;ashington
#r$ing1s name"1
The se%ond C"#"-" man !ro'e into a smile"
1Ma/or, #1m glad you1re in the %lear" #t means .e1ll !e a!le to .or' together,
and #1m going to need e$ery man # %an get" Some.here in the uropean
theater of operations is a man .ho1s getting his hands on %ommuni%ations
addressed to you" Ha$e you any idea .ho it %an !e51
1,o"1
1;ell, # ha$e a pretty good idea,1 said the se%ond C"#"-" man, and leaned
for.ard to .hisper %onfidentially" 1That !astard To.ser" ;hy else .ould he
go around shooting his mouth off a!out me5 ,o., you 'eep your eyes open
and let me 'no. the minute you hear anyone e$en tal'ing a!out
;ashington #r$ing" #1ll thro. a se%urity %he%' on the %haplain and e$eryone
else around here"1
The moment he .as gone, the first C"#"-" man /umped into Ma/or Ma/or1s
offi%e through the .indo. and .anted to 'no. .ho the se%ond C"#"-" man
.as" Ma/or Ma/or !arely re%ogni0ed him"
1He .as a C"#"-" man,1 Ma/or Ma/or told him"
1&i'e hell he .as,1 said the first C"#"-" man" 1#1m the C"#"-" man around here"1
Ma/or Ma/or !arely re%ogni0ed him !e%ause he .as .earing a faded
maroon %orduroy !athro!e .ith open seams under !oth arms, linty flannel
pa/amas, and .orn house slippers .ith one flapping sole" This .as
regulation hospital dress, Ma/or Ma/or re%alled" The man had added a!out
t.enty pounds and seemed !ursting .ith good health"
1#1m really a $ery si%' man,1 he .hined" 1# %aught %old in the hospital from a
fighter pilot and %ame do.n .ith a $ery serious %ase of pneumonia"1
1#1m $ery sorry,1 Ma/or Ma/or said"
1+ lot of good that does me,1 the C"#"-" man sni$eled" 1# don1t .ant your
sympathy" # /ust .ant you to 'no. .hat #1m going through" # %ame do.n to
.arn you that ;ashington #r$ing seems to ha$e shifted his !ase of
operations from the hospital to your s2uadron" )ou ha$en1t heard anyone
around here tal'ing a!out ;ashington #r$ing, ha$e you51
1+s a matter of fa%t, # ha$e,1 Ma/or Ma/or ans.ered" 1That man .ho .as /ust
in here" He .as tal'ing a!out ;ashington #r$ing"1
1;as he really51 the first C"#"-" man %ried .ith delight" 1This might !e /ust
.hat .e needed to %ra%' the %ase .ide openB )ou 'eep him under
sur$eillan%e t.enty9four hours a day .hile # rush !a%' to the hospital and
.rite my superiors for further instru%tions"1 The C"#"-" man /umped out of
Ma/or Ma/or1s offi%e through the .indo. and .as gone"
+ minute later, the flap separating Ma/or Ma/or1s offi%e from the orderly
room fle. open and the se%ond C"#"-" man .as !a%', puffing franti%ally in
haste" 6asping for !reath, he shouted, 1# /ust sa. a man in red pa/amas
/umping out of your .indo. and go running up the roadB -idn1t you see
him51
1He .as here tal'ing to me,1 Ma/or Ma/or ans.ered"
1# thought that loo'ed mighty suspi%ious, a man /umping out the .indo. in
red pa/amas"1 The man pa%ed a!out the small offi%e in $igorous %ir%les" 1+t
first # thought it .as you, hightailing it for Me4i%o" 3ut no. # see it .asn1t
you" He didn1t say anything a!out ;ashington #r$ing, did he51
1+s a matter of fa%t,1 said Ma/or Ma/or, 1he did"1
1He did51 %ried the se%ond C"#"-" man" 1That1s fineB This might !e /ust the
!rea' .e needed to %ra%' the %ase .ide open" -o you 'no. .here .e %an
find him51
1+t the hospital" He1s really a $ery si%' man"1
1That1s greatB1 e4%laimed the se%ond C"#"-" man" 1#1ll go right up there after
him" #t .ould !e !est if # .ent in%ognito" #1ll go e4plain the situation at the
medi%al tent and ha$e them send me there as a patient"1
1They .on1t send me to the hospital as a patient unless #1m si%',1 he
reported !a%' to Ma/or Ma/or" 1+%tually, # am pretty si%'" #1$e !een meaning
to turn myself in for a %he%'up, and this .ill !e a good opportunity" #1ll go
!a%' to the medi%al tent and tell them #1m si%', and #1ll get sent to the
hospital that .ay"1
1&oo' .hat they did to me,1 he reported !a%' to Ma/or Ma/or .ith purple
gums" His distress .as in%onsola!le" He %arried his shoes and so%'s in his
hands, and his toes had !een painted .ith gentian9$iolet solution, too" 1;ho
e$er heard of a C"#"-" man .ith purple gums51 he moaned"
He .al'ed a.ay from the orderly room .ith his head do.n and tum!led into
a slit tren%h and !ro'e his nose" His temperature .as still normal, !ut 6us
and ;es made an e4%eption of him and sent him to the hospital in an
am!ulan%e"
Ma/or Ma/or had lied, and it .as good" He .as not really surprised that it
.as good, for he had o!ser$ed that people .ho did lie .ere, on the .hole,
more resour%eful and am!itious and su%%essful than people .ho did not lie"
Had he told the truth to the se%ond C"#"-" man, he .ould ha$e found
himself in trou!le" #nstead he had lied and he .as free to %ontinue his .or'"
He !e%ame more %ir%umspe%t in his .or' as a result of the $isit from the
se%ond C"#"-" man" He did all his signing .ith his left hand and only .hile
.earing the dar' glasses and false musta%he he had used unsu%%essfully
to help him !egin playing !as'et!all again" +s an additional pre%aution, he
made a happy s.it%h from ;ashington #r$ing to John Milton" John Milton
.as supple and %on%ise" &i'e ;ashington #r$ing, he %ould !e re$ersed .ith
good effe%t .hene$er he gre. monotonous" 7urthermore, he ena!led Ma/or
Ma/or to dou!le his output, for John Milton .as so mu%h shorter than either
his o.n name or ;ashington #r$ing1s and too' so mu%h less time to .rite"
John Milton pro$ed fruitful in still one more respe%t" He .as $ersatile, and
Ma/or Ma/or soon found himself in%orporating the signature in fragments of
imaginary dialogues" Thus, typi%al endorsements on the offi%ial do%uments
might read, 1John Milton is a sadist1 or 1Ha$e you seen Milton, John51 (ne
signature of .hi%h he .as espe%ially proud read, 1#s any!ody in the John,
Milton51 John Milton thre. open .hole ne. $istas filled .ith %harming,
ine4hausti!le possi!ilities that promised to .ard off monotony fore$er"
Ma/or Ma/or .ent !a%' to ;ashington #r$ing .hen John Milton gre.
monotonous"
Ma/or Ma/or had !ought the dar' glasses and false musta%he in *ome in a
final, futile attempt to sa$e himself from the s.ampy degradation into .hi%h
he .as steadily sin'ing" 7irst there had !een the a.ful humiliation of the
6reat &oyalty (ath Crusade, .hen not one of the thirty or forty people
%ir%ulating %ompetiti$e loyalty oaths .ould e$en allo. him to sign" Then,
/ust .hen that .as !lo.ing o$er, there .as the matter of Cle$inger1s plane
disappearing so mysteriously in thin air .ith e$ery mem!er of the %re., and
!lame for the strange mishap %entering !alefully on him !e%ause he had
ne$er signed any of the loyalty oaths"
The dar' glasses had large magenta rims" The false !la%' musta%he .as a
flam!oyant organ9grinder1s, and he .ore them !oth to the !as'et!all game
one day .hen he felt he %ould endure his loneliness no longer" He affe%ted
an air of /aunty familiarity as he sauntered to the %ourt and prayed silently
that he .ould not !e re%ogni0ed" The others pretended not to re%ogni0e
him, and he !egan to ha$e fun" Just as he finished %ongratulating himself
on his inno%ent ruse he .as !umped hard !y one of his opponents and
'no%'ed to his 'nees" Soon he .as !umped hard again, and it da.ned on
him that they did re%ogni0e him and that they .ere using his disguise as a
li%ense to el!o., trip and maul him" They did not .ant him at all" +nd /ust as
he did reali0e this, the players on his team fused instin%ti$ely .ith the
players on the other team into a single, ho.ling, !loodthirsty mo! that
des%ended upon him from all sides .ith foul %urses and s.inging fists" They
'no%'ed him to the ground, 'i%'ed him .hile he .as on the ground,
atta%'ed him again after he had struggled !lindly to his feet" He %o$ered his
fa%e .ith his hands and %ould not see" They s.armed all o$er ea%h other in
their fren0ied %ompulsion to !ludgeon him, 'i%' him, gouge him, trample
him" He .as pummeled spinning to the edge of the dit%h and sent slithering
do.n on his head and shoulders" +t the !ottom he found his footing,
%lam!ered up the other .all and staggered a.ay !eneath the hail of hoots
and stones .ith .hi%h they pelted him until he lur%hed into shelter around a
%orner of the orderly room tent" His paramount %on%ern throughout the
entire assault .as to 'eep his dar' glasses and false musta%he in pla%e so
that he might %ontinue pretending he .as some!ody else and !e spared
the dreaded ne%essity of ha$ing to %onfront them .ith his authority"
3a%' in his offi%e, he .eptA and .hen he finished .eeping he .ashed the
!lood from his mouth and nose, s%ru!!ed the dirt from the a!rasions on his
%hee' and forehead, and summoned Sergeant To.ser"
17rom no. on,1 he said, 1# don1t .ant anyone to %ome in to see me .hile #1m
here" #s that %lear51
1)es, sir,1 said Sergeant To.ser" 1-oes that in%lude me51
1)es"1
1# see" ;ill that !e all51
1)es"1
1;hat shall # say to the people .ho do %ome to see you .hile you1re here51
1Tell them #1m in and as' them to .ait"1
1)es, sir" 7or ho. long51
1:ntil #1$e left"1
1+nd then .hat shall # do .ith them51
1# don1t %are"1
1May # send them in to see you after you1$e left51
1)es"1
13ut you .on1t !e here then, .ill you51
1,o"1
1)es, sir" ;ill that !e all51
1)es"1
1)es, sir"1
17rom no. on,1 Ma/or Ma/or said to the middle9aged enlisted man .ho too'
%are of his trailer, 1# don1t .ant you to %ome here .hile #1m here to as' me if
there1s anything you %an do for me" #s that %lear51
1)es, sir,1 said the orderly" 1;hen should # %ome here to find out if there1s
anything you .ant me to do for you51
1;hen #1m not here"1
1)es, sir" +nd .hat should # do51
1;hate$er # tell you to"1
13ut you .on1t !e here to tell me" ;ill you51
1,o"1
1Then .hat should # do51
1;hate$er has to !e done"1
1)es, sir"1
1That .ill !e all,1 said Ma/or Ma/or"
1)es, sir,1 said the orderly" 1;ill that !e all51
1,o,1 said Ma/or Ma/or" 1-on1t %ome in to %lean, either" -on1t %ome in for
anything unless you1re sure #1m not here"1
1)es, sir" 3ut ho. %an # al.ays !e sure51
1#f you1re not sure, /ust assume that # am here and go a.ay until you are
sure" #s that %lear51
1)es, sir"1
1#1m sorry to ha$e to tal' to you in this .ay, !ut # ha$e to" 6ood!ye"1
16ood!ye, sir"1
1+nd than' you" 7or e$erything"1
1)es, sir"1
17rom no. on,1 Ma/or Ma/or said to Milo Minder!inder, 1#1m not going to
%ome to the mess hall any more" #1ll ha$e all my meals !rought to me in my
trailer"1
1# thin' that1s a good idea, sir,1 Milo ans.ered" 1,o. #1ll !e a!le to ser$e you
spe%ial dishes that the others .ill ne$er 'no. a!out" #1m sure you1ll en/oy
them" Colonel Cath%art al.ays does"1
1# don1t .ant any spe%ial dishes" # .ant e4a%tly .hat you ser$e all the other
offi%ers" Just ha$e .hoe$er !rings it 'no%' on%e on my door and lea$e the
tray on the step" #s that %lear51
1)es, sir,1 said Milo" 1That1s $ery %lear" #1$e got some li$e Maine lo!sters
hidden a.ay that # %an ser$e you tonight .ith an e4%ellent *o2uefort salad
and t.o fro0en J%lairs that .ere smuggled out of Paris only yesterday
together .ith an important mem!er of the 7ren%h underground" ;ill that do
for a start51
1,o"1
1)es, sir" # understand"1
7or dinner that night Milo ser$ed him !roiled Maine lo!ster .ith e4%ellent
*o2uefort salad and t.o fro0en J%lairs" Ma/or Ma/or .as annoyed" #f he
sent it !a%', though, it .ould only go to .aste or to some!ody else, and
Ma/or Ma/or had a .ea'ness for !roiled lo!ster" He ate .ith a guilty
%ons%ien%e" The ne4t day for lun%h there .as terrapin Maryland .ith a
.hole 2uart of -om PJrignon 19KE, and Ma/or Ma/or gulped it do.n .ithout
a thought"
+fter Milo, there remained only the men in the orderly room, and Ma/or
Ma/or a$oided them !y entering and lea$ing e$ery time through the dingy
%elluloid .indo. of his offi%e" The .indo. un!uttoned and .as lo. and
large and easy to /ump through from either side" He managed the distan%e
!et.een the orderly room and his trailer !y darting around the %orner of the
tent .hen the %oast .as %lear, leaping do.n into the railroad dit%h and
dashing along .ith head !o.ed until he attained the san%tuary of the forest"
+!reast of his trailer, he left the dit%h and .o$e his .ay speedily to.ard
home through the dense under!rush, in .hi%h the only person he e$er
en%ountered .as Captain 7lume, .ho, dra.n and ghostly, frightened him
half to death one t.ilight !y materiali0ing .ithout .arning out of a pat%h of
de.!erry !ushes to %omplain that Chief ;hite Halfoat had threatened to slit
his throat open from ear to ear"
1#f you e$er frighten me li'e that again,1 Ma/or Ma/or told him, 1#1ll slit your
throat open from ear to ear"1
Captain 7lume gasped and dissol$ed right !a%' into the pat%h of de.!erry
!ushes, and Ma/or Ma/or ne$er set eyes on him again"
;hen Ma/or Ma/or loo'ed !a%' on .hat he had a%%omplished, he .as
pleased" #n the midst of a fe. foreign a%res teeming .ith more than t.o
hundred people, he had su%%eeded in !e%oming a re%luse" ;ith a little
ingenuity and $ision, he had made it all !ut impossi!le for anyone in the
s2uadron to tal' to him, .hi%h .as /ust fine .ith e$eryone, he noti%ed, sin%e
no one .anted to tal' to him any.ay" ,o one, it turned out, !ut that
madman )ossarian, .ho !rought him do.n .ith a flying ta%'le one day as
he .as s%ooting along the !ottom of the dit%h to his trailer for lun%h"
The last person in the s2uadron Ma/or Ma/or .anted to !e !rought do.n
.ith a flying ta%'le !y .as )ossarian" There .as something inherently
disreputa!le a!out )ossarian, al.ays %arrying on so disgra%efully a!out
that dead man in his tent .ho .asn1t e$en there and then ta'ing off all his
%lothes after the +$ignon mission and going around .ithout them right up to
the day 6eneral -reedle stepped up to pin a medal on him for his heroism
o$er 7errara and found him standing in formation star' na'ed" ,o one in
the .orld had the po.er to remo$e the dead man1s disorgani0ed effe%ts
from )ossarian1s tent" Ma/or Ma/or had forfeited the authority .hen he
permitted Sergeant To.ser to report the lieutenant .ho had !een 'illed
o$er (r$ieto less than t.o hours after he arri$ed in the s2uadron as ne$er
ha$ing arri$ed in the s2uadron at all" The only one .ith any right to remo$e
his !elongings from )ossarian1s tent, it seemed to Ma/or Ma/or, .as
)ossarian himself, and )ossarian, it seemed to Ma/or Ma/or, had no right"
Ma/or Ma/or groaned after )ossarian !rought him do.n .ith a flying ta%'le,
and tried to .iggle to his feet" )ossarian .ouldn1t let him"
1Captain )ossarian,1 )ossarian said, 1re2uests permission to spea' to the
ma/or at on%e a!out a matter of life or death"1
1&et me up, please,1 Ma/or Ma/or !id him in %ran'y dis%omfort" 1# %an1t return
your salute .hile #1m lying on my arm"1
)ossarian released him" They stood up slo.ly" )ossarian saluted again and
repeated his re2uest"
1&et1s go to my offi%e,1 Ma/or Ma/or said" 1# don1t thin' this is the !est pla%e to
tal'"1
1)es, sir,1 ans.ered )ossarian"
They sma%'ed the gra$el from their %lothing and .al'ed in %onstrained
silen%e to the entran%e of the orderly room"
16i$e me a minute or t.o to put some mer%uro%hrome on these %uts" Then
ha$e Sergeant To.ser send you in"1
1)es, sir"1
Ma/or Ma/or strode .ith dignity to the rear of the orderly room .ithout
glan%ing at any of the %ler's and typists .or'ing at the des's and filing
%a!inets" He let the flap leading to his offi%e fall %losed !ehind him" +s soon
as he .as alone in his offi%e, he ra%ed a%ross the room to the .indo. and
/umped outside to dash a.ay" He found )ossarian !lo%'ing his path"
)ossarian .as .aiting at attention and saluted again"
1Captain )ossarian re2uests permission to spea' to the ma/or at on%e a!out
a matter of life or death,1 he repeated determinedly"
1Permission denied,1 Ma/or Ma/or snapped"
1That .on1t do it"1
Ma/or Ma/or ga$e in" 1+ll right,1 he %on%eded .earily" 1#1ll tal' to you" Please
/ump inside my offi%e"1
1+fter you"1
They /umped inside the offi%e" Ma/or Ma/or sat do.n, and )ossarian mo$ed
around in front of his des' and told him that he did not .ant to fly any more
%om!at missions"!hat could he do" Ma/or Ma/or as'ed himself" +ll he
%ould do .as .hat he had !een instru%ted to do !y Colonel >orn and hope
for the !est"
1;hy not51 he as'ed"
1#1m afraid"1
1That1s nothing to !e ashamed of,1 Ma/or Ma/or %ounseled him 'indly" 1;e1re
all afraid"1
1#1m not ashamed,1 )ossarian said" 1#1m /ust afraid"1
1)ou .ouldn1t !e normal if you .ere ne$er afraid" $en the !ra$est men
e4perien%e fear" (ne of the !iggest /o!s .e all fa%e in %om!at is to
o$er%ome our fear"1
1(h, %ome on, Ma/or" Can1t .e do .ithout that horseshit51
Ma/or Ma/or lo.ered his ga0e sheepishly and fiddled .ith his fingers" 1;hat
do you .ant me to tell you51
1That #1$e flo.n enough missions and %an go home"1
1Ho. many ha$e you flo.n51
17ifty9one"1
1)ou1$e only got four more to fly"1
1He1ll raise them" $ery time # get %lose he raises them"1
1Perhaps he .on1t this time"1
1He ne$er sends anyone home, any.ay" He /ust 'eeps them around .aiting
for rotation orders until he doesn1t ha$e enough men left for the %re.s, and
then raises the num!er of missions and thro.s them all !a%' on %om!at
status" He1s !een doing that e$er sin%e he got here"1
1)ou mustn1t !lame Colonel Cath%art for any delay .ith the orders,1 Ma/or
Ma/or ad$ised" 1#t1s T.enty9se$enth +ir 7or%e1s responsi!ility to pro%ess the
orders promptly on%e they get them from us"1
1He %ould still as' for repla%ements and send us home .hen the orders did
%ome !a%'" +ny.ay, #1$e !een told that T.enty9se$enth +ir 7or%e .ants
only forty missions and that it1s only his o.n idea to get us to fly fifty9fi$e"1
1# .ouldn1t 'no. anything a!out that,1 Ma/or Ma/or ans.ered" 1Colonel
Cath%art is our %ommanding offi%er and .e must o!ey him" ;hy don1t you
fly the four more missions and see .hat happens51
1# don1t .ant to"1
!hat could you do" Ma/or Ma/or as'ed himself again" ;hat %ould you do
.ith a man .ho loo'ed you s2uarely in the eye and said he .ould rather die
than !e 'illed in %om!at, a man .ho .as at least as mature and intelligent
as you .ere and .ho you had to pretend .as not5 ;hat %ould you say to
him5
1Suppose .e let you pi%' your missions and fly mil' runs,1 Ma/or Ma/or said"
1That .ay you %an fly the four missions and not run any ris's"1
1# don1t .ant to fly mil' runs" # don1t .ant to !e in the .ar any more"1
1;ould you li'e to see our %ountry lose51 Ma/or Ma/or as'ed"
1;e .on1t lose" ;e1$e got more men, more money and more material"
There are ten million men in uniform .ho %ould repla%e me" Some people
are getting 'illed and a lot more are ma'ing money and ha$ing fun" &et
some!ody else get 'illed"1
13ut suppose e$ery!ody on our side felt that .ay"1
1Then #1d %ertainly !e a damned fool to feel any other .ay" ;ouldn1t #51
!hat could you possibly say to him" Ma/or Ma/or .ondered forlornly" (ne
thing he %ould not say .as that there .as nothing he %ould do" To say there
.as nothing he %ould do .ould suggest he #ould do something if he %ould
and imply the e4isten%e of an error of in/usti%e in Colonel >orn1s poli%y"
Colonel >orn had !een most e4pli%it a!out that" He must ne$er say there
.as nothing he %ould do"
1#1m sorry,1 he said" 13ut there1s nothing # %an do"1
Wintergreen
Cle$inger .as dead" That .as the !asi% fla. in his philosophy" ighteen
planes had let do.n through a !eaming .hite %loud off the %oast of l!a
one afternoon on the .ay !a%' from the .ee'ly mil' run to ParmaA
se$enteen %ame out" ,o tra%e .as e$er found of the other, not in the air or
on the smooth surfa%e of the /ade .aters !elo." There .as no de!ris"
Heli%opters %ir%led the .hite %loud till sunset" -uring the night the %loud
!le. a.ay, and in the morning there .as no more Cle$inger"
The disappearan%e .as astounding, as astounding, %ertainly, as the 6rand
Conspira%y of &o.ery 7ield, .hen all si4ty9four men in a single !arra%'
$anished one payday and .ere ne$er heard of again" :ntil Cle$inger .as
snat%hed from e4isten%e so adroitly, )ossarian had assumed that the men
had simply de%ided unanimously to go +;(& the same day" #n fa%t, he had
!een so en%ouraged !y .hat appeared to !e a mass desertion from sa%red
responsi!ility that he had gone running outside in elation to %arry the
e4%iting ne.s to e49P"7"C" ;intergreen"
1;hat1s so e4%iting a!out it51 e49P"7"C" ;intergreen sneered o!no4iously,
resting his filthy 6# shoe on his spade and lounging !a%' in a surly slou%h
against the .all of one of the deep, s2uare holes it .as his military spe%ialty
to dig"
49P"7"C" ;intergreen .as a snide little pun' .ho en/oyed .or'ing at
%ross9purposes" a%h time he .ent +;(&, he .as %aught and senten%ed
to dig and fill up holes si4 feet deep, .ide and long for a spe%ified length of
time" a%h time he finished his senten%e, he .ent +;(& again" 49P"7"C"
;intergreen a%%epted his role of digging and filling up holes .ith all the
un%omplaining dedi%ation of a true patriot"
1#t1s not a !ad life,1 he .ould o!ser$e philosophi%ally" 1+nd # guess
some!ody has to do it"1
He had .isdom enough to understand that digging holes in Colorado .as
not su%h a !ad assignment in .artime" Sin%e the holes .ere in no great
demand, he %ould dig them and fill them up at a leisurely pa%e, and he .as
seldom o$er.or'ed" (n the other hand, he .as !usted do.n to !u%'
pri$ate ea%h time he .as %ourt9martialed" He regretted this loss of ran'
'eenly"
1#t .as 'ind of ni%e !eing a P"7"C",1 he reminis%ed yearningly" 1# had status
= you 'no. .hat # mean5 = and # used to tra$el in the !est %ir%les"1 His
fa%e dar'ened .ith resignation" 13ut that1s all !ehind me no.,1 he guessed"
1The ne4t time # go o$er the hill it .ill !e as a !u%' pri$ate, and # /ust 'no. it
.on1t !e the same"1 There .as no future in digging holes" 1The /o! isn1t e$en
steady" # lose it ea%h time # finish ser$ing my senten%e" Then # ha$e to go
o$er the hill again if # .ant it !a%'" +nd # %an1t e$en 'eep doing that" There1s
a %at%h" Cat%h9<<" The ne4t time # go o$er the hill, it .ill mean the sto%'ade"
# don1t 'no. .hat1s going to !e%ome of me" # might e$en .ind up o$erseas
if #1m not %areful"1 He did not .ant to 'eep digging holes for the rest of his
life, although he had no o!/e%tion to doing it as long as there .as a .ar
going on and it .as part of the .ar effort" 1#t1s a matter of duty,1 he o!ser$ed,
1and .e ea%h ha$e our o.n to perform" My duty is to 'eep digging these
holes, and #1$e !een doing su%h a good /o! of it that #1$e /ust !een
re%ommended for the 6ood Condu%t Medal" )our duty is to s%re. around in
%adet s%hool and hope the .ar ends !efore you get out" The duty of the
men in %om!at is to .in the .ar, and # /ust .ish they .ere doing their duty
as .ell as #1$e !een doing mine" #t .ouldn1t !e fair if # had to go o$erseas
and do their /o! too, .ould it51
(ne day e49P"7"C" ;intergreen stru%' open a .ater pipe .hile digging in
one of his holes and almost dro.ned to death !efore he .as fished out
nearly un%ons%ious" ;ord spread that it .as oil, and Chief ;hite Halfoat
.as 'i%'ed off the !ase" Soon e$ery man .ho %ould find a sho$el .as
outside digging fren0iedly for oil" -irt fle. e$ery.hereA the s%ene .as
almost li'e the morning in Pianosa se$en months later after the night Milo
!om!ed the s2uadron .ith e$ery plane he had a%%umulated in his M I M
syndi%ate, and the airfield, !om! dump and repair hangars as .ell, and all
the sur$i$ors .ere outside ha%'ing %a$ernous shelters into the solid ground
and roofing them o$er .ith sheets of armor plate stolen from the repair
sheds at the field and .ith tattered s2uares of .aterproof %an$as stolen
from the side flaps of ea%h other1s tents" Chief ;hite Halfoat .as
transferred out of Colorado at the first rumor of oil and %ame to rest finally in
Pianosa as a repla%ement for &ieutenant Coom!s, .ho had gone out on a
mission as a guest one day /ust to see .hat %om!at .as li'e and had died
o$er 7errara in the plane .ith >raft" )ossarian felt guilty ea%h time he
remem!ered >raft, guilty !e%ause >raft had !een 'illed on )ossarian1s
se%ond !om! run, and guilty !e%ause >raft had got mi4ed up inno%ently
also in the Splendid +ta!rine #nsurre%tion that had !egun in Puerto *i%o on
the first leg of their flight o$erseas and ended in Pianosa ten days later .ith
+pple!y striding dutifully into the orderly room the moment he arri$ed to
report )ossarian for refusing to ta'e his +ta!rine ta!lets" The sergeant
there in$ited him to !e seated"
1Than' you, Sergeant, # thin' # .ill,1 said +pple!y" 1+!out ho. long .ill #
ha$e to .ait5 #1$e still got a lot to get done today so that # %an !e fully
prepared !right and early tomorro. morning to go into %om!at the minute
they .ant me to"1
1Sir51
1;hat1s that, Sergeant51
1;hat .as your 2uestion51
1+!out ho. long .ill # ha$e to .ait !efore # %an go in to see the ma/or51
1Just until he goes out to lun%h,1 Sergeant To.ser replied" 1Then you %an go
right in"1
13ut he .on1t !e there then" ;ill he51
1,o, sir" Ma/or Ma/or .on1t !e !a%' in his offi%e until after lun%h"1
1# see,1 +pple!y de%ided un%ertainly" 1# thin' #1d !etter %ome !a%' after lun%h,
then"1
+pple!y turned from the orderly room in se%ret %onfusion" The moment he
stepped outside, he thought he sa. a tall, dar' offi%er .ho loo'ed a little
li'e Henry 7onda %ome /umping out of the .indo. of the orderly9room tent
and go s%ooting out of sight around the %orner" +pple!y halted and
s2uee0ed his eyes %losed" +n an4ious dou!t assailed him" He .ondered if
he .ere suffering from malaria, or, .orse, from an o$erdose of +ta!rine
ta!lets" +pple!y had !een ta'ing four times as many +ta!rine ta!lets as the
amount pres%ri!ed !e%ause he .anted to !e four times as good a pilot as
e$eryone else" His eyes .ere still shut .hen Sergeant To.ser tapped him
lightly on the shoulder and told him he %ould go in no. if he .anted to,
sin%e Ma/or Ma/or had /ust gone out" +pple!y1s %onfiden%e returned"
1Than' you, Sergeant" ;ill he !e !a%' soon51
1He1ll !e !a%' right after lun%h" Then you1ll ha$e to go right out and .ait for
him in front till he lea$es for dinner" Ma/or Ma/or ne$er sees anyone in his
offi%e .hile he1s in his offi%e"1
1Sergeant, .hat did you /ust say51
1# said that Ma/or Ma/or ne$er sees anyone in his offi%e .hile he1s in his
offi%e"1
+pple!y stared at Sergeant To.ser intently and attempted a firm tone"
1Sergeant, are you trying to ma'e a fool out of me /ust !e%ause #1m ne. in
the s2uadron and you1$e !een o$erseas a long time51
1(h, no, sir,1 ans.ered the sergeant deferentially" 1Those are my orders"
)ou %an as' Ma/or Ma/or .hen you see him"1
1That1s /ust .hat # intend to do, Sergeant" ;hen %an # see him51
1,e$er"1
Crimson .ith humiliation, +pple!y .rote do.n his report a!out )ossarian
and the +ta!rine ta!lets on a pad the sergeant offered him and left 2ui%'ly,
.ondering if perhaps )ossarian .ere not the only man pri$ileged to .ear
an offi%er1s uniform .ho .as %ra0y"
3y the time Colonel Cath%art had raised the num!er of missions to fifty9fi$e,
Sergeant To.ser had !egun to suspe%t that perhaps e$ery man .ho .ore
a uniform .as %ra0y" Sergeant To.ser .as lean and angular and had fine
!lond hair so light it .as almost .ithout %olor, sun'en %hee's, and teeth li'e
large .hite marshmallo.s" He ran the s2uadron and .as not happy doing
it" Men li'e Hungry Joe glo.ered at him .ith !lameful hatred, and +pple!y
su!/e%ted him to $indi%ti$e dis%ourtesy no. that he had esta!lished himself
as a hot pilot and a ping9pong player .ho ne$er lost a point" Sergeant
To.ser ran the s2uadron !e%ause there .as no one else in the s2uadron to
run it" He had no interest in .ar or ad$an%ement" He .as interested in
shards and Hepple.hite furniture"
+lmost .ithout reali0ing it, Sergeant To.ser had fallen into the ha!it of
thin'ing of the dead man in )ossarian1s tent in )ossarian1s o.n terms
ImashA as a dead man in )ossarian1s tent" #n reality, he .as no su%h thing"
He .as simply a repla%ement pilot .ho had !een 'illed in %om!at !efore he
had offi%ially reported for duty" He had stopped at the operations tent to
in2uire the .ay to the orderly9room tent and had !een sent right into a%tion
!e%ause so many men had %ompleted the thirty9fi$e missions re2uired then
that Captain Pilt%hard and Captain ;ren .ere finding it diffi%ult to assem!le
the num!er of %re.s spe%ified !y 6roup" 3e%ause he had ne$er offi%ially
gotten into the s2uadron, he %ould ne$er offi%ially !e gotten out, and
Sergeant To.ser sensed that the multiplying %ommuni%ations relating to the
poor man .ould %ontinue re$er!erating fore$er"
His name .as Mudd" To Sergeant To.ser, .ho deplored $iolen%e and
.aste .ith e2ual a$ersion, it seemed li'e su%h an a!horrent e4tra$agan%e
to fly Mudd all the .ay a%ross the o%ean /ust to ha$e him !lo.n into !its
o$er (r$ieto less than t.o hours after he arri$ed" ,o one %ould re%all .ho
he .as or .hat he had loo'ed li'e, least of all Captain Pilt%hard and
Captain ;ren, .ho remem!ered only that a ne. offi%er had sho.n up at
the operations tent /ust in time to !e 'illed and .ho %olored uneasily e$ery
time the matter of the dead man in )ossarian1s tent .as mentioned" The
only one .ho might ha$e seen Mudd, the men in the same plane, had all
!een !lo.n to !its .ith him"
)ossarian, on the other hand, 'ne. e4a%tly .ho Mudd .as" Mudd .as the
un'no.n soldier .ho had ne$er had a %han%e, for that .as the only thing
anyone e$er did 'no. a!out all the un'no.n soldiers = they ne$er had a
%han%e" They had to !e dead" +nd this dead one .as really un'no.n, e$en
though his !elongings still lay in a tum!le on the %ot in )ossarian1s tent
almost e4a%tly as he had left them three months earlier the day he ne$er
arri$ed = all %ontaminated .ith death less than t.o hours later, in the same
.ay that all .as %ontaminated .ith death in the $ery ne4t .ee' during the
6reat 3ig Siege of 3ologna .hen the moldy odor of mortality hung .et in
the air .ith the sulphurous fog and e$ery man s%heduled to fly .as already
tainted"
There .as no es%aping the mission to 3ologna on%e Colonel Cath%art had
$olunteered his group for the ammunition dumps there that the hea$y
!om!ers on the #talian mainland had !een una!le to destroy from their
higher altitudes" a%h day1s delay deepened the a.areness and deepened
the gloom" The %linging, o$erpo.ering %on$i%tion of death spread steadily
.ith the %ontinuing rainfall, soa'ing mordantly into ea%h man1s ailing
%ountenan%e li'e the %orrosi$e !lot of some %ra.ling disease" $eryone
smelled of formaldehyde" There .as no.here to turn for help, not e$en to
the medi%al tent, .hi%h had !een ordered %losed !y Colonel >orn so that no
one %ould report for si%' %all, as the men had done on the one %lear day
.ith a mysterious epidemi% of diarrhea that had for%ed still another
postponement" ;ith si%' %all suspended and the door to the medi%al tent
nailed shut, -o% -anee'a spent the inter$als !et.een rain per%hed on a
high stool, .ordlessly a!sor!ing the !lea' out!rea' of fear .ith a sorro.ing
neutrality, roosting li'e a melan%holy !u00ard !elo. the ominous, hand9
lettered sign ta%'ed up on the %losed door of the medi%al tent !y Captain
3la%' as a /o'e and left hanging there !y -o% -anee'a !e%ause it .as no
/o'e" The sign .as !ordered in dar' %rayon and read@ 1C&(S- :,T#&
7:*TH* ,(T#C" -+TH #, TH 7+M#&)"1
The fear flo.ed e$ery.here, into -un!ar1s s2uadron, .here -un!ar po'ed
his head in2uiringly through the entran%e of the medi%al tent there one
t.ilight and spo'e respe%tfully to the !lurred outline of -r" Stu!!s, .ho .as
sitting in the dense shado.s inside !efore a !ottle of .his'ey and a !ell /ar
filled .ith purified drin'ing .ater"
1+re you all right51 he as'ed soli%itously"
1Terri!le,1 -r" Stu!!s ans.ered"
1;hat are you doing here51
1Sitting"1
1# thought there .as no more si%' %all"1
1There ain1t"1
1Then .hy are you sitting here51
1;here else should # sit5 +t the goddam offi%ers1 %lu! .ith Colonel Cath%art
and >orn5 -o you 'no. .hat #1m doing here51
1Sitting"1
1#n the s2uadron, # mean" ,ot in the tent" -on1t !e su%h a goddam .ise guy"
Can you figure out .hat a do%tor is doing here in the s2uadron51
1They1$e got the doors to the medi%al tents nailed shut in the other
s2uadrons,1 -un!ar remar'ed"
1#f anyone si%' .al's through my door #1m going to ground him,1 -r" Stu!!s
$o.ed" 1# don1t gi$e a damn .hat they say"1
1)ou %an1t ground anyone,1 -un!ar reminded" 1-on1t you 'no. the orders51
1#1ll 'no%' him flat on his ass .ith an in/e%tion and really ground him"1 -r"
Stu!!s laughed .ith sardoni% amusement at the prospe%t" 1They thin' they
%an order si%' %all out of e4isten%e" The !astards" (oops, there it goes
again"1 The rain !egan falling again, first in the trees, then in the mud
puddles, then, faintly, li'e a soothing murmur, on the tent top" 1$erything1s
.et,1 -r" Stu!!s o!ser$ed .ith re$ulsion" 1$en the latrines and urinals are
!a%'ing up in protest" The .hole goddam .orld smells li'e a %harnel
house"1
The silen%e seemed !ottomless .hen he stopped tal'ing" ,ight fell" There
.as a sense of $ast isolation"
1Turn on the light,1 -un!ar suggested"
1There is no light" # don1t feel li'e starting my generator" # used to get a !ig
'i%' out of sa$ing people1s li$es" ,o. # .onder .hat the hell1s the point,
sin%e they all ha$e to die any.ay"
1(h, there1s a point, all right,1 -un!ar assured him"
1#s there5 ;hat is the point51
1The point is to 'eep them from dying for as long as you %an"1
1)eah, !ut .hat1s the point, sin%e they all ha$e to die any.ay51
1The tri%' is not to thin' a!out that"1
1,e$er mind the tri%'" ;hat the hell1s the point51
-un!ar pondered in silen%e for a fe. moments" 1;ho the hell 'no.s51
-un!ar didn1t 'no." 3ologna should ha$e e4ulted -un!ar, !e%ause the
minutes da.dled and the hours dragged li'e %enturies" #nstead it tortured
him, !e%ause he 'ne. he .as going to !e 'illed"
1-o you really .ant some more %odeine51 -r" Stu!!s as'ed"
1#t1s for my friend )ossarian" He1s sure he1s going to !e 'illed"1
1)ossarian5 ;ho the hell is )ossarian5 ;hat the hell 'ind of a name is
)ossarian, any.ay5 #sn1t he the one .ho got drun' and started that fight
.ith Colonel >orn at the offi%ers1 %lu! the other night51
1That1s right" He1s +ssyrian"1
1That %ra0y !astard"1
1He1s not so %ra0y,1 -un!ar said" 1He s.ears he1s not going to fly to
3ologna"1
1That1s /ust .hat # mean,1 -r" Stu!!s ans.ered" 1That %ra0y !astard may !e
the only sane one left"1
Captain !lack
Corporal >olodny learned a!out it first in a phone %all from 6roup and .as
so sha'en !y the ne.s that he %rossed the intelligen%e tent on tiptoe to
Captain 3la%', .ho .as resting dro.sily .ith his !laded shins up on the
des', and relayed the information to him in a sho%'ed .hisper"
Captain 3la%' !rightened immediately" 13ologna51 he e4%laimed .ith
delight" 1;ell, #1ll !e damned"1 He !ro'e into loud laughter" 13ologna, huh51
He laughed again and shoo' his head in pleasant ama0ement" 1(h, !oyB #
%an1t .ait to see those !astards1 fa%es .hen they find out they1re going to
3ologna" Ha, ha, haB1
#t .as the first really good laugh Captain 3la%' had en/oyed sin%e the day
Ma/or Ma/or outsmarted him and .as appointed s2uadron %ommander, and
he rose .ith torpid enthusiasm and stationed himself !ehind the front
%ounter in order to .ring the most en/oyment from the o%%asion .hen the
!om!ardiers arri$ed for their map 'its"
1That1s right, you !astards, 3ologna,1 he 'ept repeating to all the
!om!ardiers .ho in2uired in%redulously if they .ere really going to
3ologna" 1HaB HaB HaB at your li$ers, you !astards" This time you1re really
in for it"1
Captain 3la%' follo.ed the last of them outside to o!ser$e .ith relish the
effe%t of the 'no.ledge upon all of the other offi%ers and enlisted men .ho
.ere assem!ling .ith their helmets, para%hutes and fla' suits around the
four tru%'s idling in the %enter of the s2uadron area" He .as a tall, narro.,
dis%onsolate man .ho mo$ed .ith a %ra!!y listlessness" He sha$ed his
pin%hed, pale fa%e e$ery third or fourth day, and most of the time he
appeared to !e gro.ing a reddish9gold musta%he o$er his s'inny upper lip"
He .as not disappointed in the s%ene outside" There .as %onsternation
dar'ening e$ery e4pression, and Captain 3la%' ya.ned deli%iously, ru!!ed
the last lethargy from his eyes and laughed gloatingly ea%h time he told
someone else to eat his li$er"
3ologna turned out to !e the most re.arding e$ent in Captain 3la%'1s life
sin%e the day Ma/or -uluth .as 'illed o$er Perugia and he .as almost
sele%ted to repla%e him" ;hen .ord of Ma/or -uluth1s death .as radioed
!a%' to the field, Captain 3la%' responded .ith a surge of /oy" +lthough he
had ne$er really %ontemplated the possi!ility !efore, Captain 3la%'
understood at on%e that he .as the logi%al man to su%%eed Ma/or -uluth as
s2uadron %ommander" To !egin .ith, he .as the s2uadron intelligen%e
offi%er, .hi%h meant he .as more intelligent than e$eryone else in the
s2uadron" True, he .as not on %om!at status, as Ma/or -uluth had !een
and as all s2uadron %ommanders %ustomarily .ereA !ut this .as really
another po.erful argument in his fa$or, sin%e his life .as in no danger and
he .ould !e a!le to fill the post for as long as his %ountry needed him" The
more Captain 3la%' thought a!out it, the more ine$ita!le it seemed" #t .as
merely a matter of dropping the right .ord in the right pla%e 2ui%'ly" He
hurried !a%' to his offi%e to determine a %ourse of a%tion" Settling !a%' in
his s.i$el %hair, his feet up on the des' and his eyes %losed, he !egan
imagining ho. !eautiful e$erything .ould !e on%e he .as s2uadron
%ommander"
;hile Captain 3la%' .as imagining, Colonel Cath%art .as a%ting, and
Captain 3la%' .as fla!!ergasted !y the speed .ith .hi%h, he %on%luded,
Ma/or Ma/or had outsmarted him" His great dismay at the announ%ement of
Ma/or Ma/or1s appointment as s2uadron %ommander .as tinged .ith an
em!ittered resentment he made no effort to %on%eal" ;hen fello.
administrati$e offi%ers e4pressed astonishment at Colonel Cath%art1s %hoi%e
of Ma/or Ma/or, Captain 3la%' muttered that there .as something funny
going onA .hen they spe%ulated on the politi%al $alue of Ma/or Ma/or1s
resem!lan%e to Henry 7onda, Captain 3la%' asserted that Ma/or Ma/or
really #asHenry 7ondaA and .hen they remar'ed that Ma/or Ma/or .as
some.hat odd, Captain 3la%' announ%ed that he .as a Communist"
1They1re ta'ing o$er e$erything,1 he de%lared re!elliously" 1;ell, you fello.s
%an stand around and let them if you .ant to, !ut #1m not going to" #1m going
to do something a!out it" 7rom no. on #1m going to ma'e e$ery son of a
!it%h .ho %omes to my intelligen%e tent sign a loyalty oath" +nd #1m not
going to let that !astard Ma/or Ma/or sign one e$en if he .ants to"1
+lmost o$ernight the 6lorious &oyalty (ath Crusade .as in full flo.er, and
Captain 3la%' .as enraptured to dis%o$er himself spearheading it" He had
really hit on something" +ll the enlisted men and offi%ers on %om!at duty
had to sign a loyalty oath to get their map %ases from the intelligen%e tent, a
se%ond loyalty oath to re%ei$e their fla' suits and para%hutes from the
para%hute tent, a third loyalty oath for &ieutenant 3al'ington, the motor
$ehi%le offi%er, to !e allo.ed to ride from the s2uadron to the airfield in one
of the tru%'s" $ery time they turned around there .as another loyalty oath
to !e signed" They signed a loyalty oath to get their pay from the finan%e
offi%er, to o!tain their PL supplies, to ha$e their hair %ut !y the #talian
!ar!ers" To Captain 3la%', e$ery offi%er .ho supported his 6lorious &oyalty
(ath Crusade .as a %ompetitor, and he planned and plotted t.enty9four
hours a day to 'eep one step ahead" He .ould stand se%ond to none in his
de$otion to %ountry" ;hen other offi%ers had follo.ed his urging and
introdu%ed loyalty oaths of their o.n, he .ent them one !etter !y ma'ing
e$ery son of a !it%h .ho %ame to his intelligen%e tent sign t.o loyalty oaths,
then three, then fourA then he introdu%ed the pledge of allegian%e, and after
that 1The Star9Spangled 3anner,1 one %horus, t.o %horuses, three
%horuses, four %horuses" a%h time Captain 3la%' forged ahead of his
%ompetitors, he s.ung upon them s%ornfully for their failure to follo. his
e4ample" a%h time they follo.ed his e4ample, he retreated .ith %on%ern
and ra%'ed his !rain for some ne. stratagem that .ould ena!le him to turn
upon them s%ornfully again"
;ithout reali0ing ho. it had %ome a!out, the %om!at men in the s2uadron
dis%o$ered themsel$es dominated !y the administrators appointed to ser$e
them" They .ere !ullied, insulted, harassed and sho$ed a!out all day long
!y one after the other" ;hen they $oi%ed o!/e%tion, Captain 3la%' replied
that people .ho .ere loyal .ould not mind signing all the loyalty oaths they
had to" To anyone .ho 2uestioned the effe%ti$eness of the loyalty oaths, he
replied that people .ho really did o.e allegian%e to their %ountry .ould !e
proud to pledge it as often as he for%ed them to" +nd to anyone .ho
2uestioned the morality, he replied that 1The Star9Spangled 3anner1 .as the
greatest pie%e of musi% e$er %omposed" The more loyalty oaths a person
signed, the more loyal he .asA to Captain 3la%' it .as as simple as that,
and he had Corporal >olodny sign hundreds .ith his name ea%h day so that
he %ould al.ays pro$e he .as more loyal than anyone else"
1The important thing is to 'eep them pledging,1 he e4plained to his %ohorts"
1#t doesn1t matter .hether they mean it or not" That1s .hy they ma'e little
'ids pledge allegian%e e$en !efore they 'no. .hat GpledgeG and
Gallegian%eG mean"1
To Captain Pilt%hard and Captain ;ren, the 6lorious &oyalty (ath Crusade
.as a glorious pain in the ass, sin%e it %ompli%ated their tas' of organi0ing
the %re.s for ea%h %om!at mission" Men .ere tied up all o$er the s2uadron
signing, pledging and singing, and the missions too' hours longer to get
under .ay" ffe%ti$e emergen%y a%tion !e%ame impossi!le, !ut Captain
Pilt%hard and Captain ;ren .ere !oth too timid to raise any out%ry against
Captain 3la%', .ho s%rupulously enfor%ed ea%h day the do%trine of
1Continual *eaffirmation1 that he had originated, a do%trine designed to trap
all those men .ho had !e%ome disloyal sin%e the last time they had signed
a loyalty oath the day !efore" #t .as Captain 3la%' .ho %ame .ith ad$i%e to
Captain Pilt%hard and Captain ;ren as they pit%hed a!out in their
!e.ildering predi%ament" He %ame .ith a delegation and ad$ised them
!luntly to ma'e ea%h man sign a loyalty oath !efore allo.ing him to fly on a
%om!at mission"
1(f %ourse, it1s up to you,1 Captain 3la%' pointed out" 1,o!ody1s trying to
pressure you" 3ut e$eryone else is ma'ing them sign loyalty oaths, and it1s
going to loo' mighty funny to the 7"3"#" if you t.o are the only ones .ho
don1t %are enough a!out your %ountry to ma'e them sign loyalty oaths, too"
#f you .ant to get a !ad reputation, that1s no!ody1s !usiness !ut your o.n"
+ll .e1re trying to do is help"1
Milo .as not %on$in%ed and a!solutely refused to depri$e Ma/or Ma/or of
food, e$en if Ma/or Ma/or .as a Communist, .hi%h Milo se%retly dou!ted"
Milo .as !y nature opposed to any inno$ation that threatened to disrupt the
normal %ourse of affairs" Milo too' a firm moral stand and a!solutely
refused to parti%ipate in the 6lorious &oyalty (ath Crusade until Captain
3la%' %alled upon him .ith his delegation and re2uested him to"
1,ational defense is everybody's /o!,1 Captain 3la%' replied to Milo1s
o!/e%tion" 1+nd this .hole program is $oluntary, Milo = don1t forget that"
The men don1t have to sign Pilt%hard and ;ren1s loyalty oath if they don1t
.ant to" 3ut .e need you to star$e them to death if they don1t" #t1s /ust li'e
Cat%h9<<" -on1t you get it5 )ou1re not against Cat%h9<<, are you51
-o% -anee'a .as adamant"
1;hat ma'es you so sure Ma/or Ma/or is a Communist51
1)ou ne$er heard him denying it until .e !egan a%%using him, did you5 +nd
you don1t see him signing any of our loyalty oaths"1
1)ou aren1t letting him sign any"1
1(f %ourse not,1 Captain 3la%' e4plained" 1That .ould defeat the .hole
purpose of our %rusade" &oo', you don1t ha$e to play !all .ith us if you don1t
.ant to" 3ut .hat1s the point of the rest of us .or'ing so hard if you1re going
to gi$e Ma/or Ma/or medi%al attention the minute Milo !egins star$ing him to
death5 # /ust .onder .hat they1re going to thin' up at 6roup a!out the man
.ho1s undermining our .hole se%urity program" They1ll pro!a!ly transfer
you to the Pa%ifi%"1
-o% -anee'a surrendered s.iftly" 1#1ll go tell 6us and ;es to do .hate$er
you .ant them to"1
:p at 6roup, Colonel Cath%art had already !egun .ondering .hat .as
going on"
1#t1s that idiot 3la%' off on a patriotism !inge,1 Colonel >orn reported .ith a
smile" 1# thin' you1d !etter play !all .ith him for a .hile, sin%e you1re the one
.ho promoted Ma/or Ma/or to s2uadron %ommander"1
1That .as your idea,1 Colonel Cath%art a%%used him petulantly" 1# ne$er
should ha$e let you tal' me into it"1
1+nd a $ery good idea it .as, too,1 retorted Colonel >orn, 1sin%e it eliminated
that superfluous ma/or that1s !een gi$ing you su%h an a.ful !la%' eye as an
administrator" -on1t .orry, this .ill pro!a!ly run its %ourse soon" The !est
thing to do no. is send Captain 3la%' a letter of total support and hope he
drops dead !efore he does too mu%h damage"1 Colonel >orn .as stru%'
.ith a .himsi%al thought" 1# .onderB )ou don1t suppose that im!e%ile .ill try
to turn Ma/or Ma/or out of his trailer, do you51
1The ne4t thing .e1$e got to do is turn that !astard Ma/or Ma/or out of his
trailer,1 Captain 3la%' de%ided" 1#1d li'e to turn his .ife and 'ids out into the
.oods, too" 3ut .e %an1t" He has no .ife and 'ids" So .e1ll /ust ha$e to
ma'e do .ith .hat .e ha$e and turn him out" ;ho1s in %harge of the tents51
1He is"1
1)ou see51 %ried Captain 3la%'" 1They1re ta'ing o$er everything ;ell, #1m
not going to stand for it" #1ll ta'e this matter right to Ma/or 9 de Co$erley
himself if # ha$e to" #1ll ha$e Milo spea' to him a!out it the minute he gets
!a%' from *ome"1
Captain 3la%' had !oundless faith in the .isdom, po.er and /usti%e of
Ma/or 9 de Co$erley, e$en though he had ne$er spo'en to him !efore and
still found himself .ithout the %ourage to do so" He deputi0ed Milo to spea'
to Ma/or 9 de Co$erley for him and stormed a!out impatiently as he .aited
for the tall e4e%uti$e offi%er to return" +long .ith e$eryone else in the
s2uadron, he li$ed in profound a.e and re$eren%e of the ma/esti%, .hite9
haired ma/or .ith %raggy fa%e and Jeho$ean !earing, .ho %ame !a%' from
*ome finally .ith an in/ured eye inside a ne. %elluloid eye pat%h and
smashed his .hole 6lorious Crusade to !its .ith a single stro'e"
Milo %arefully said nothing .hen Ma/or 9 de Co$erley stepped into the mess
hall .ith his fier%e and austere dignity the day he returned and found his
.ay !lo%'ed !y a .all of offi%ers .aiting in line to sign loyalty oaths" +t the
far end of the food %ounter, a group of men .ho had arri$ed earlier .ere
pledging allegian%e to the flag, .ith trays of food !alan%ed in one hand, in
order to !e allo.ed to ta'e seats at the ta!le" +lready at the ta!les, a group
that had arri$ed still earlier .as singing 1The Star9Spangled 3anner1 in order
that they might use the salt and pepper and 'et%hup there" The hu!!u!
!egan to su!side slo.ly as Ma/or 9 de Co$erley paused in the door.ay .ith
a fro.n of pu00led disappro$al, as though $ie.ing something !i0arre" He
started for.ard in a straight line, and the .all of offi%ers !efore him parted
li'e the *ed Sea" 6lan%ing neither left nor right, he strode indomita!ly up to
the steam %ounter and, in a %lear, full9!odied $oi%e that .as gruff .ith age
and resonant .ith an%ient eminen%e and authority, said@
16imme eat"1
#nstead of eat, Corporal Snar' ga$e Ma/or 9 de Co$erley a loyalty oath to
sign" Ma/or 9 de Co$erley s.ept it a.ay .ith mighty displeasure the
moment he re%ogni0ed .hat it .as, his good eye flaring up !lindingly .ith
fiery disdain and his enormous old %orrugated fa%e dar'ening in
mountainous .rath"
16imme eat, # said,1 he ordered loudly in harsh tones that rum!led
ominously through the silent tent li'e %laps of distant thunder"
Corporal Snar' turned pale and !egan to trem!le" He glan%ed to.ard Milo
pleadingly for guidan%e" 7or se$eral terri!le se%onds there .as not a sound"
Then Milo nodded"
16i$e him eat,1 he said"
Corporal Snar' !egan gi$ing Ma/or 9 de Co$erley eat" Ma/or 9 de Co$erley
turned from the %ounter .ith his tray full and %ame to a stop" His eyes fell
on the groups of other offi%ers ga0ing at him in mute appeal, and, .ith
righteous !elligeren%e, he roared@
16i$e everybody eatB1
16i$e everybody eatB1 Milo e%hoed .ith /oyful relief, and the 6lorious &oyalty
(ath Crusade %ame to an end"
Captain 3la%' .as deeply disillusioned !y this trea%herous sta! in the !a%'
from someone in high pla%e upon .hom he had relied so %onfidently for
support" Ma/or 9 de Co$erley had let him do.n"
1(h, it doesn1t !other me a !it,1 he responded %heerfully to e$eryone .ho
%ame to him .ith sympathy" 1;e %ompleted our tas'" (ur purpose .as to
ma'e e$eryone .e don1t li'e afraid and to alert people to the danger of
Ma/or Ma/or, and .e %ertainly su%%eeded at that" Sin%e .e .eren1t going to
let him sign loyalty oaths any.ay, it doesn1t really matter .hether .e ha$e
them or not"1
Seeing e$eryone in the s2uadron he didn1t li'e afraid on%e again throughout
the appalling, intermina!le 6reat 3ig Siege of 3ologna reminded Captain
3la%' nostalgi%ally of the good old days of his 6lorious &oyalty (ath
Crusade .hen he had !een a man of real %onse2uen%e, and .hen e$en !ig
shots li'e Milo Minder!inder, -o% -anee'a and Pilt%hard and ;ren had
trem!led at his approa%h and gro$eled at his feet" To pro$e to ne.%omers
that he really had !een a man of %onse2uen%e on%e, he still had the letter
of %ommendation he had re%ei$ed from Colonel Cath%art"
!ologna
+%tually, it .as not Captain 3la%' !ut Sergeant >night .ho triggered the
solemn pani% of 3ologna, slipping silently off the tru%' for t.o e4tra fla'
suits as soon as he learned the target and signaling the start of the grim
pro%ession !a%' into the para%hute tent that degenerated into a franti%
stampede finally !efore all the e4tra fla' suits .ere gone"
1Hey, .hat1s going on51 >id Sampson as'ed ner$ously" 13ologna %an1t !e
that rough, %an it51
,ately, sitting tran%eli'e on the floor of the tru%', held his gra$e young fa%e
in !oth hands and did not ans.er him"
#t .as Sergeant >night and the %ruel series of postponements, for /ust as
they .ere %lim!ing up into their planes that first morning, along %ame a /eep
.ith the ne.s that it .as raining in 3ologna and that the mission .ould !e
delayed" #t .as raining in Pianosa too !y the time they returned to the
s2uadron, and they had the rest of that day to stare .oodenly at the !om!
line on the map under the a.ning of the intelligen%e tent and ruminate
hypnoti%ally on the fa%t that there .as no es%ape" The e$iden%e .as there
$i$idly in the narro. red ri!!on ta%'ed a%ross the mainland@ the ground
for%es in #taly .ere pinned do.n forty9t.o insurmounta!le miles south of
the target and %ould not possi!ly %apture the %ity in time" ,othing %ould
sa$e the men in Pianosa from the mission to 3ologna" They .ere trapped"
Their only hope .as that it .ould ne$er stop raining, and they had no hope
!e%ause they all 'ne. it .ould" ;hen it did stop raining in Pianosa, it rained
in 3ologna" ;hen it stopped raining in 3ologna, it !egan again in Pianosa"
#f there .as no rain at all, there .ere frea'ish, ine4pli%a!le phenomena li'e
the epidemi% of diarrhea or the !om! line that mo$ed" 7our times during the
first si4 days they .ere assem!led and !riefed and then sent !a%'" (n%e,
they too' off and .ere flying in formation .hen the %ontrol to.er summoned
them do.n" The more it rained, the .orse they suffered" The .orse they
suffered, the more they prayed that it .ould %ontinue raining" +ll through the
night, men loo'ed at the s'y and .ere saddened !y the stars" +ll through
the day, they loo'ed at the !om! line on the !ig, .o!!ling easel map of
#taly that !le. o$er in the .ind and .as dragged in under the a.ning of the
intelligen%e tent e$ery time the rain !egan" The !om! line .as a s%arlet
!and of narro. satin ri!!on that delineated the for.ardmost position of the
+llied ground for%es in e$ery se%tor of the #talian mainland"
The morning after Hungry Joe1s fist fight .ith Huple1s %at, the rain stopped
falling in !oth pla%es" The landing strip !egan to dry" #t .ould ta'e a full
t.enty9four hours to hardenA !ut the s'y remained %loudless" The
resentments in%u!ating in ea%h man hat%hed into hatred" 7irst they hated
the infantrymen on the mainland !e%ause they had failed to %apture
3ologna" Then they !egan to hate the !om! line itself" 7or hours they
stared relentlessly at the s%arlet ri!!on on the map and hated it !e%ause it
.ould not mo$e up high enough to en%ompass the %ity" ;hen night fell,
they %ongregated in the dar'ness .ith flashlights, %ontinuing their ma%a!re
$igil at the !om! line in !rooding entreaty as though hoping to mo$e the
ri!!on up !y the %olle%ti$e .eight of their sullen prayers"
1# really %an1t !elie$e it,1 Cle$inger e4%laimed to )ossarian in a $oi%e rising
and falling in protest and .onder" 1#t1s a %omplete re$ersion to primiti$e
superstition" They1re %onfusing %ause and effe%t" #t ma'es as mu%h sense
as 'no%'ing on .ood or %rossing your fingers" They really !elie$e that .e
.ouldn1t ha$e to fly that mission tomorro. if someone .ould only tiptoe up
to the map in the middle of the night and mo$e the !om! line o$er 3ologna"
Can you imagine5 )ou and # must !e the only rational ones left"1
#n the middle of the night )ossarian 'no%'ed on .ood, %rossed his fingers,
and tiptoed out of his tent to mo$e the !om! line up o$er 3ologna"
Corporal >olodny tiptoed stealthily into Captain 3la%'1s tent early the ne4t
morning, rea%hed inside the mos2uito net and gently shoo' the moist
shoulder9!lade he found there until Captain 3la%' opened his eyes"
1;hat are you .a'ing me up for51 .himpered Captain 3la%'"
1They %aptured 3ologna, sir,1 said Corporal >olodny" 1# thought you1d .ant to
'no." #s the mission %an%eled51
Captain 3la%' tugged himself ere%t and !egan s%rat%hing his s%ra.ny long
thighs methodi%ally" #n a little .hile he dressed and emerged from his tent,
s2uinting, %ross and unsha$en" The s'y .as %lear and .arm" He peered
.ithout emotion at the map" Sure enough, they had %aptured 3ologna"
#nside the intelligen%e tent, Corporal >olodny .as already remo$ing the
maps of 3ologna from the na$igation 'its" Captain 3la%' seated himself .ith
a loud ya.n, lifted his feet to the top of his des' and phoned Colonel >orn"
1;hat are you .a'ing me up for51 .himpered Colonel >orn"
1They %aptured 3ologna during the night, sir" #s the mission %an%eled51
1;hat are you tal'ing a!out, 3la%'51 Colonel >orn gro.led" 1;hy should the
mission !e %an%eled51
13e%ause they %aptured 3ologna, sir" #sn1t the mission %an%eled51
1(f %ourse the mission is %an%eled" -o you thin' .e1re !om!ing our o.n
troops no.51
1;hat are you .a'ing me up for51 Colonel Cath%art .himpered to Colonel
>orn"
1They %aptured 3ologna,1 Colonel >orn told him" 1# thought you1d .ant to
'no."1
1;ho %aptured 3ologna51
1;e did"1
Colonel Cath%art .as o$er/oyed, for he .as relie$ed of the em!arrassing
%ommitment to !om! 3ologna .ithout !lemish to the reputation for $alor he
had earned !y $olunteering his men to do it" 6eneral -reedle .as pleased
.ith the %apture of 3ologna, too, although he .as angry .ith Colonel
Moodus for .a'ing him up to tell him a!out it" Head2uarters .as also
pleased and de%ided to a.ard a medal to the offi%er .ho %aptured the %ity"
There .as no offi%er .ho had %aptured the %ity, so they ga$e the medal to
6eneral Pe%'em instead, !e%ause 6eneral Pe%'em .as the only offi%er
.ith suffi%ient initiati$e to as' for it"
+s soon as 6eneral Pe%'em had re%ei$ed his medal, he !egan as'ing for
in%reased responsi!ility" #t .as 6eneral Pe%'em1s opinion that all %om!at
units in the theater should !e pla%ed under the /urisdi%tion of the Spe%ial
Ser$i%e Corps, of .hi%h 6eneral Pe%'em himself .as the %ommanding
offi%er" #f dropping !om!s on the enemy .as not a spe%ial ser$i%e, he
refle%ted aloud fre2uently .ith the martyred smile of s.eet reasona!leness
that .as his loyal %onfederate in e$ery dispute, then he %ould not help
.ondering .hat in the .orld .as" ;ith amia!le regret, he de%lined the offer
of a %om!at post under 6eneral -reedle"
17lying %om!at missions for 6eneral -reedle is not e4a%tly .hat # had in
mind,1 he e4plained indulgently .ith a smooth laugh" 1# .as thin'ing more in
terms of replacing6eneral -reedle, or perhaps of something above 6eneral
-reedle .here # %ould e4er%ise super$ision o$er a great
many other generals too" )ou see, my most pre%ious a!ilities are mainly
administrati$e ones" # ha$e a happy fa%ility for getting different people to
agree"1
1He has a happy fa%ility for getting different people to agree .hat a pri%' he
is,1 Colonel Cargill %onfided in$idiously to e49P"7"C" ;intergreen in the hope
that e49P"7"C" ;intergreen .ould spread the unfa$ora!le report along
through T.enty9se$enth +ir 7or%e Head2uarters" 1#f anyone deser$es that
%om!at post, # do" #t .as e$en my idea that .e as' for the medal"1
1)ou really .ant to go into %om!at51 e49P"7"C" ;intergreen in2uired"
1Com!at51 Colonel Cargill .as aghast" 1(h, no = you misunderstand me" (f
%ourse, # .ouldn1t a%tually mind going into %om!at, !ut my !est a!ilities are
mainly administrati$e ones" # too ha$e a happy fa%ility for getting different
people to agree"1
1He too has a happy fa%ility for getting different people to agree .hat a pri%'
he is,1 e49P"7"C" ;intergreen %onfided .ith a laugh to )ossarian, after he
had %ome to Pianosa to learn if it .as really true a!out Milo and the
gyptian %otton" 1#f anyone deser$es a promotion, # do"1 +%tually, he had
risen already to e49%orporal, ha$ing shot through the ran's shortly after his
transfer to T.enty9se$enth +ir 7or%e Head2uarters as a mail %ler' and
!een !usted right do.n to pri$ate for ma'ing odious audi!le %omparisons
a!out the %ommissioned offi%ers for .hom he .or'ed" The heady taste of
su%%ess had infused him further .ith morality and fired him .ith am!ition for
loftier attainments" 1-o you .ant to !uy some Dippo lighters51 he as'ed
)ossarian" 1They .ere stolen right from 2uartermaster"1
1-oes Milo 'no. you1re selling %igarette lighters51
1;hat1s it his !usiness5 Milo1s not %arrying %igarette lighters too no., is he51
1He sure is,1 )ossarian told him" 1+nd his aren1t stolen"1
1That1s .hat you thin',1 e49P"7"C" ;intergreen ans.ered .ith a la%oni%
snort" 1#1m selling mine for a !u%' apie%e" ;hat1s he getting for his51
1+ dollar and a penny"1
49P"7"C" ;intergreen sni%'ered triumphantly" 1# !eat him e$ery time,1 he
gloated" 1Say, .hat a!out all that gyptian %otton he1s stu%' .ith5 Ho.
mu%h did he !uy51
1+ll"1
1#n the .hole .orld5 ;ell, #1ll !e danmedB1 e49P"7"C" ;intergreen %ro.ed
.ith mali%ious glee" 1;hat a dopeB )ou .ere in Cairo .ith him" ;hy1d you
let him do it51
1Me51 )ossarian ans.ered .ith a shrug" 1# ha$e no influen%e on him" #t .as
those teletype ma%hines they ha$e in all the good restaurants there" Milo
had ne$er seen a sto%' ti%'er !efore, and the 2uotation for gyptian %otton
happened to !e %oming in /ust as he as'ed the head.aiter to e4plain it to
him" Ggyptian %otton5G Milo said .ith that loo' of his" GHo. mu%h is
gyptian %otton selling for5G The ne4t thing # 'ne. he had !ought the .hole
goddam har$est" +nd no. he %an1t unload any of it"1
1He has no imagination" # %an unload plenty of it in the !la%' mar'et if he1ll
ma'e a deal"1
1Milo 'no.s the !la%' mar'et" There1s no demand for %otton"1
13ut there is a demand for medi%al supplies" # %an roll the %otton up on
.ooden toothpi%'s and peddle them as sterile s.a!s" ;ill he sell to me at a
good pri%e51
1He .on1t sell to you at any pri%e,1 )ossarian ans.ered" 1He1s pretty sore at
you for going into %ompetition .ith him" #n fa%t, he1s pretty sore at
e$ery!ody for getting diarrhea last .ee'end and gi$ing his mess hall a !ad
name" Say, you %an help us"1 )ossarian suddenly sei0ed his arm" 1Couldn1t
you forge some offi%ial orders on that mimeograph ma%hine of yours and
get us out of flying to 3ologna51
49P"7"C" ;intergreen pulled a.ay slo.ly .ith a loo' of s%orn" 1Sure #
%ould,1 he e4plained .ith pride" 13ut # .ould ne$er dream of doing anything
li'e that"1
1;hy not51
13e%ause it1s your /o!" ;e all ha$e our /o!s to do" My /o! is to unload these
Dippo lighters at a profit if # %an and pi%' up some %otton from Milo" )our /o!
is to !om! the ammunition dumps at 3ologna"1
13ut #1m going to !e 'illed at 3ologna,1 )ossarian pleaded" 1;e1re all going to
!e 'illed"1
1Then you1ll /ust ha$e to !e 'illed,1 replied e49P"7"C" ;intergreen" 1;hy %an1t
you !e a fatalist a!out it the .ay # am5 #f #1m destined to unload these
lighters at a profit and pi%' up some gyptian %otton %heap from Milo, then
that1s .hat #1m going to do" +nd if you1re destined to !e 'illed o$er 3ologna,
then you1re going to !e 'illed, so you might /ust as .ell go out and die li'e a
man" # hate to say this, )ossarian, !ut you1re turning into a %hroni%
%omplainer"1
Cle$inger agreed .ith e49P"7"C" ;intergreen that it .as )ossarian1s /o! to
get 'illed o$er 3ologna and .as li$id .ith %ondemnation .hen )ossarian
%onfessed that it .as he .ho had mo$ed the !om! line and %aused the
mission to !e %an%eled"
1;hy the hell not51 )ossarian snarled, arguing all the more $ehemently
!e%ause he suspe%ted he .as .rong" 1+m # supposed to get my ass shot
off /ust !e%ause the %olonel .ants to !e a general51
1;hat a!out the men on the mainland51 Cle$inger demanded .ith /ust as
mu%h emotion" 1+re they supposed to get their asses shot off /ust !e%ause
you don1t .ant to go5 Those men are entitled to air supportB1
13ut not ne%essarily !y me" &oo', they don1t %are .ho 'no%'s out those
ammunition dumps" The only reason .e1re going is !e%ause that !astard
Cath%art $olunteered us"1
1(h, # 'no. all that,1 Cle$inger assured him, his gaunt fa%e pale and his
agitated !ro.n eyes s.imming in sin%erity" 13ut the fa%t remains that those
ammunition dumps are still standing" )ou 'no. $ery .ell that # don1t
appro$e of Colonel Cath%art any more than you do"1 Cle$inger paused for
emphasis, his mouth 2ui$ering, and then !eat his fist do.n softly against
his sleeping9!ag" 13ut it1s not for us to determine .hat targets must !e
destroyed or .ho1s to destroy them or =1
1(r .ho gets 'illed doing it5 +nd .hy51
1)es, e$en that" ;e ha$e no right to 2uestion =1
1)ou1re insaneB1
1= no right to 2uestion =1
1-o you really mean that it1s not my !usiness ho. or .hy # get 'illed and
that it is Colonel Cath%art1s5 -o you really mean that51
1)es, # do,1 Cle$inger insisted, seeming unsure" 1There are men entrusted
.ith .inning the .ar .ho are in a mu%h !etter position than .e are to
de%ide .hat targets ha$e to !e !om!ed"1
1;e are tal'ing a!out t.o different things,1 )ossarian ans.ered .ith
e4aggerated .eariness" 1)ou are tal'ing a!out the relationship of the +ir
Corps to the infantry, and # am tal'ing a!out the relationship of me to
Colonel Cath%art" )ou are tal'ing a!out .inning the .ar, and # am tal'ing
a!out .inning the .ar and 'eeping ali$e"1
14a%tly,1 Cle$inger snapped smugly" 1+nd .hi%h do you thin' is more
important51
1To .hom51 )ossarian shot !a%'" 1(pen your eyes, Cle$inger" #t doesn1t
ma'e a damned !it of differen%e #ho .ins the .ar to someone .ho1s dead"1
Cle$inger sat for a moment as though he1d !een slapped" 1CongratulationsB1
he e4%laimed !itterly, the thinnest mil'9.hite line en%losing his lips tightly in
a !loodless, s2uee0ing ring" 1# %an1t thin' of another attitude that %ould !e
depended upon to gi$e greater %omfort to the enemy"1
1The enemy,1 retorted )ossarian .ith .eighted pre%ision, 1is any!ody .ho1s
going to get you 'illed, no matter #hich side he1s on, and that in%ludes
Colonel Cath%art" +nd don1t you forget that, !e%ause the longer you
remem!er it, the longer you might li$e"1
3ut Cle$inger did forget it, and no. he .as dead" +t the time, Cle$inger
.as so upset !y the in%ident that )ossarian did not dare tell him he had
also !een responsi!le for the epidemi% of diarrhea that had %aused the
other unne%essary postponement" Milo .as e$en more upset !y the
possi!ility that someone had poisoned his s2uadron again, and he %ame
!ustling fretfully to )ossarian for assistan%e"
1Please find out from Corporal Snar' if he put laundry soap in the s.eet
potatoes again,1 he re2uested furti$ely" 1Corporal Snar' trusts you and .ill
tell you the truth if you gi$e him your .ord you .on1t tell anyone else" +s
soon as he tells you, %ome and tell me"1
1(f %ourse # put laundry soap in the s.eet potatoes,1 Corporal Snar'
admitted to )ossarian" 1That1s .hat you as'ed me to do, isn1t it5 &aundry
soap is the !est .ay"1
1He s.ears to 6od he didn1t ha$e a thing to do .ith it,1 )ossarian reported
!a%' to Milo"
Milo pouted du!iously" 1-un!ar says there is no 6od"1
There .as no hope left" 3y the middle of the se%ond .ee', e$eryone in the
s2uadron !egan to loo' li'e Hungry Joe, .ho .as not s%heduled to fly and
s%reamed horri!ly in his sleep" He .as the only one .ho %ould sleep" +ll
night long, men mo$ed through the dar'ness outside their tents li'e
tongueless .raiths .ith %igarettes" #n the daytime they stared at the !om!
line in futile, drooping %lusters or at the still figure of -o% -anee'a sitting in
front of the %losed door of the medi%al tent !eneath the mor!id hand9
lettered sign" They !egan to in$ent humorless, glum /o'es of their o.n and
disastrous rumors a!out the destru%tion a.aiting them at 3ologna"
)ossarian sidled up drun'enly to Colonel >orn at the offi%ers1 %lu! one night
to 'id .ith him a!out the ne. &epage gun that the 6ermans had mo$ed in"
1;hat &epage gun51 Colonel >orn in2uired .ith %uriosity"
1The ne. three9hundred9and9forty9four9millimeter &epage glue gun,1
)ossarian ans.ered" 1#t glues a .hole formation of planes together in mid9
air"1
Colonel >orn /er'ed his el!o. free from )ossarian1s %lut%hing fingers in
startled affront" 1&et go of me, you idiotB1 he %ried out furiously, glaring .ith
$indi%ti$e appro$al as ,ately leaped upon )ossarian1s !a%' and pulled him
a.ay" 1;ho is that lunati%, any.ay51
Colonel Cath%art %hortled merrily" 1That1s the man you made me gi$e a
medal to after 7errara" )ou had me promote him to %aptain, too,
remem!er5 #t ser$es you right"1
,ately .as lighter than )ossarian and had great diffi%ulty maneu$ering
)ossarian1s lur%hing !ul' a%ross the room to an uno%%upied ta!le" 1+re you
%ra0y51 ,ately 'ept hissing .ith trepidation" 1That .as Colonel >orn" +re
you %ra0y51
)ossarian .anted another drin' and promised to lea$e 2uietly if ,ately
!rought him one" Then he made ,ately !ring him t.o more" ;hen ,ately
finally %oa4ed him to the door, Captain 3la%' %ame stomping in from
outside, !anging his sloshing shoes do.n hard on the .ood floor and
spilling .ater from his ea$es li'e a high roof"
13oy, are you !astards in for itB1 he announ%ed e4u!erantly, splashing a.ay
from the puddle forming at his feet" 1# /ust got a %all from Colonel >orn" -o
you 'no. .hat they1$e got .aiting for you at 3ologna5 HaB HaB They1$e got
the ne. &epage glue gun" #t glues a .hole formation of planes together in
mid9air"1
1My 6od, it1s trueB1 )ossarian shrie'ed, and %ollapsed against ,ately in
terror"
1There is no 6od,1 ans.ered -un!ar %almly, %oming up .ith a slight
stagger"
1Hey, gi$e me a hand .ith him, .ill you5 #1$e got to get him !a%' in his tent"1
1Says .ho51
1Says me" 6ee, loo' at the rain"1
1;e1$e got to get a %ar"1
1Steal Captain 3la%'1s %ar,1 said )ossarian" 1That1s .hat # al.ays do"1
1;e %an1t steal any!ody1s %ar" Sin%e you !egan stealing the nearest %ar
e$ery time you .anted one, no!ody lea$es the ignition on"1
1Hop in,1 said Chief ;hite Halfoat, dri$ing up drun' in a %o$ered /eep" He
.aited until they had %ro.ded inside and then spurted ahead .ith a
suddenness that rolled them all o$er !a%'.ard" He roared .ith laughter at
their %urses" He dro$e straight ahead .hen he left the par'ing lot and
rammed the %ar into the em!an'ment on the other side of the road" The
others piled for.ard in a helpless heap and !egan %ursing him again" 1#
forgot to turn,1 he e4plained"
13e %areful, .ill you51 ,ately %autioned" 1)ou1d !etter put your headlights
on"1
Chief ;hite Halfoat pulled !a%' in re$erse, made his turn and shot a.ay up
the road at top speed" The .heels .ere si!ilant on the .hi00ing !la%'top
surfa%e"
1,ot so fast,1 urged ,ately"
1)ou1d !etter ta'e me to your s2uadron first so # %an help you put him to
!ed" Then you %an dri$e me !a%' to my s2uadron"1
1;ho the hell are you51
1-un!ar"1
1Hey, put your headlights on,1 ,ately shouted" 1+nd .at%h the roadB1
1They are on" #sn1t )ossarian in this %ar5 That1s the only reason # let the rest
of you !astards in"1 Chief ;hite Halfoat turned %ompletely around to stare
into the !a%' seat"
1;at%h the roadB1
1)ossarian5 #s )ossarian in here51
1#1m here, Chief" &et1s go home" ;hat ma'es you so sure5 )ou ne$er
ans.ered my 2uestion"1
1)ou see5 # told you he .as here"1
1;hat 2uestion51
1;hate$er it .as .e .ere tal'ing a!out"1
1;as it important51
1# don1t remem!er if it .as important or not" # .ish to 6od # 'ne. .hat it
.as"1
1There is no 6od"1
1That1s .hat .e .ere tal'ing a!out,1 )ossarian %ried" 1;hat ma'es you so
sure51
1Hey, are you sure your headlights are on51 ,ately %alled out"
1They1re on, they1re on" ;hat does he .ant from me5 #t1s all this rain on the
.indshield that ma'es it loo' dar' from !a%' there"1
13eautiful, !eautiful rain"1
1# hope it ne$er stops raining" *ain, rain, go a =1
1= .ay" Come a =1
1= again some oth =1
1= er day" &ittle )o9)o .ants =1
1= to play" #n =1
1= the meado., in =1
Chief ;hite Halfoat missed the ne4t turn in the road and ran the /eep all the
.ay up to the %rest of a steep em!an'ment" *olling !a%' do.n, the /eep
turned o$er on its side and settled softly in the mud" There .as a frightened
silen%e"
1#s e$eryone all right51 Chief ;hite Halfoat in2uired in a hushed $oi%e" ,o
one .as in/ured, and he hea$ed a long sigh of relief" 1)ou 'no., that1s my
trou!le,1 he groaned" 1# ne$er listen to any!ody" Some!ody 'ept telling me
to put my headlights on, !ut # /ust .ouldn1t listen"1
1# 'ept telling you to put your headlights on"1
1# 'no., # 'no." +nd # /ust .ouldn1t listen, .ould #5 # .ish # had a drin'"
# do ha$e a drin'" &oo'" #t1s not !ro'en"1
1#t1s raining in,1 ,ately noti%ed" 1#1m getting .et"1
Chief ;hite Halfoat got the !ottle of rye open, dran' and handed it off"
&ying tangled up on top of ea%h other, they all dran' !ut ,ately, .ho 'ept
groping ineffe%tually for the door handle" The !ottle fell against his head
.ith a %lun', and .his'ey poured do.n his ne%'" He !egan .rithing
%on$ulsi$ely"
1Hey, .e1$e got to get out of hereB1 he %ried" 1;e1ll all dro.n"1
1#s any!ody in there51 as'ed Cle$inger .ith %on%ern, shining a flashlight
do.n from the top"
1#t1s Cle$ingerB1 they shouted, and tried to pull him in through the .indo. as
he rea%hed do.n to aid them"
1&oo' at themB1 Cle$inger e4%laimed indignantly to M%;att, .ho sat grinning
at the .heel of the staff %ar" 1&ying there li'e a !un%h of drun'en animals"
)ou too, ,ately5 )ou ought to !e ashamedB Come on = help me get them
out of here !efore they all die of pneumonia"1
1)ou 'no., that don1t sound li'e su%h a !ad idea,1 Chief ;hite Halfoat
refle%ted" 1# thin' # .ill die of pneumonia"1
1;hy51
1;hy not51 ans.ered Chief ;hite Halfoat, and lay !a%' in the mud
%ontentedly .ith the !ottle of rye %uddled in his arms"
1(h, no. loo' .hat he1s doingB1 Cle$inger e4%laimed .ith irritation" 1;ill you
get up and get into the %ar so .e %an all go !a%' to the s2uadron51
1;e %an1t all go !a%'" Someone has to stay here to help the Chief .ith this
%ar he signed out of the motor pool"1
Chief ;hite Halfoat settled !a%' in the staff %ar .ith an e!ullient, prideful
%hu%'le" 1That1s Captain 3la%'1s %ar,1 he informed them /u!ilantly" 1# stole it
from him at the offi%ers1 %lu! /ust no. .ith an e4tra set of 'eys he thought
he lost this morning"1
1;ell, #1ll !e damnedB That %alls for a drin'"1
1Ha$en1t you had enough to drin'51 Cle$inger !egan s%olding as soon as
M%;att started the %ar" 1&oo' at you" )ou don1t %are if you drin' yoursel$es
to death or dro.n yoursel$es to death, do you51
1Just as long as .e don1t fly oursel$es to death"1
1Hey, open it up, open it up,1 Chief ;hite Halfoat urged M%;att" 1+nd turn
off the headlights" That1s the only .ay to do it"1
1-o% -anee'a is right,1 Cle$inger .ent on" 1People don1t 'no. enough to
ta'e %are of themsel$es" # really am disgusted .ith all of you"1
1('ay, fatmouth, out of the %ar,1 Chief ;hite Halfoat ordered" 1$ery!ody get
out of the %ar !ut )ossarian" ;here1s )ossarian51
16et the hell off me"1 )ossarian laughed, pushing him a.ay" 1)ou1re all
%o$ered .ith mud"1
Cle$inger fo%used on ,ately" 1)ou1re the one .ho really surprises me" -o
you 'no. .hat you smell li'e5 #nstead of trying to 'eep him out of trou!le,
you get /ust as drun' as he is" Suppose he got in another fight .ith
+pple!y51 Cle$inger1s eyes opened .ide .ith alarm .hen he heard
)ossarian %hu%'le" 1He didn1t get in another fight .ith +pple!y, did he51
1,ot this time,1 said -un!ar"
1,o, not this time" This time # did e$en !etter"1
1This time he got in a fight .ith Colonel >orn"1
1He didn1tB1 gasped Cle$inger"
1He did51 e4%laimed Chief ;hite Halfoat .ith delight" 1That %alls for a drin'"1
13ut that1s terri!leB1 Cle$inger de%lared .ith deep apprehension" 1;hy in the
.orld did you ha$e to pi%' on Colonel >orn5 Say, .hat happened to the
lights5 ;hy is e$erything so dar'51
1# turned them off,1 ans.ered M%;att" 1)ou 'no., Chief ;hite Halfoat is
right" #t1s mu%h !etter .ith the headlights off"1
1+re you %ra0y51 Cle$inger s%reamed, and lunged for.ard to snap the
headlights on" He .hirled around upon )ossarian in near hysteria" 1)ou see
.hat you1re doing5 )ou1$e got them all a%ting li'e youB Suppose it stops
raining and .e ha$e to fly to 3ologna tomorro." )ou1ll !e in fine physi%al
%ondition"1
1#t .on1t e$er gonna stop raining" ,o, sir, a rain li'e this really might go on
fore$er"1
1#t has stopped rainingB1 someone said, and the .hole %ar fell silent"
1)ou poor !astards,1 Chief ;hite Halfoat murmured %ompassionately after a
fe. moments had passed"
1-id it really stop raining51 )ossarian as'ed mee'ly"
M%;att s.it%hed off the .indshield .ipers to ma'e %ertain" The rain had
stopped" The s'y .as starting to %lear" The moon .as sharp !ehind a
gau0y !ro.n mist"
1(h, .ell,1 sang M%;att so!erly" 1;hat the hell"1
1-on1t .orry, fellas,1 Chief ;hite Halfoat said" 1The landing strip is too soft to
use tomorro." May!e it1ll start raining again !efore the field dries out"1
1)ou goddam stin'ing lousy son of a !it%h,1 Hungry Joe s%reamed from his
tent as they sped into the s2uadron"
1Jesus, is he !a%' here tonight5 # thought he .as still in *ome .ith the
%ourier ship"1
1(hB (ooohB (oooooohB1 Hungry Joe s%reamed"
Chief ;hite Halfoat shuddered" 1That guy gi$es me the .illies,1 he
%onfessed in a grou%hy .hisper" 1Hey, .hate$er happened to Captain
7lume51
1There1s a guy that gi$es me the .illies" # sa. him in the .oods last .ee'
eating .ild !erries" He ne$er sleeps in his trailer any more" He loo'ed li'e
hell"1
1Hungry Joe1s afraid he1ll ha$e to repla%e some!ody .ho goes on si%' %all,
e$en though there is no si%' %all" -id you see him the other night .hen he
tried to 'ill Ha$ermeyer and fell into )ossarian1s slit tren%h51
1(ooohB1 s%reamed Hungry Joe" 1(hB (ooohB (ooooohB1
1#t sure is a pleasure not ha$ing 7lume around in the mess hall any more"
,o more of that GPass the salt, ;alt"G 1
1(r GPass the !read, 7red"G 1
1(r GShoot me a !eet, Pete"G 1
1>eep a.ay, 'eep a.ay,1 Hungry Joe s%reamed" 1# said 'eep a.ay, 'eep
a.ay, you goddam stin'ing lousy son of a !it%h"1
1+t least .e found out .hat he dreams a!out,1 -un!ar o!ser$ed .ryly" 1He
dreams a!out goddam stin'ing lousy sons of !it%hes"1
&ate that night Hungry Joe dreamed that Huple1s %at .as sleeping on his
fa%e, suffo%ating him, and .hen he .o'e up, Huple1s %at .as sleeping on
his fa%e" His agony .as terrifying, the pier%ing, unearthly ho.l .ith .hi%h
he split the moonlit dar' $i!rating in its o.n impa%t for se%onds after.ard
li'e a de$astating sho%'" + num!ing silen%e follo.ed, and then a riotous din
rose from inside his tent"
)ossarian .as among the first ones there" ;hen he !urst through the
entran%e, Hungry Joe had his gun out and .as struggling to .ren%h his arm
free from Huple to shoot the %at, .ho 'ept spitting and feinting at him
fero%iously to distra%t him from shooting Huple" 3oth humans .ere in their
6# under.ear" The unfrosted light !ul! o$erhead .as s.inging %ra0ily on its
loose .ire, and the /um!led !la%' shado.s 'ept s.irling and !o!!ing
%haoti%ally, so that the entire tent seemed to !e reeling" )ossarian rea%hed
out instin%ti$ely for !alan%e and then laun%hed himself for.ard in a
prodigious di$e that %rushed the three %om!atants to the ground !eneath
him" He emerged from the melee .ith the s%ruff of a ne%' in ea%h hand =
Hungry Joe1s ne%' and the %at1s" Hungry Joe and the %at glared at ea%h
other sa$agely" The %at spat $i%iously at Hungry Joe, and Hungry Joe tried
to hit it .ith a hayma'er"
1+ fair fight,1 )ossarian de%reed, and all the others .ho had %ome running to
the uproar in horror !egan %heering e%stati%ally in a tremendous o$erflo. of
relief" 1;e1ll ha$e a fair fight,1 he e4plained offi%ially to Hungry Joe and the
%at after he had %arried them !oth outside, still holding them apart !y the
s%ruffs of their ne%'s" 17ists, fangs and %la.s" 3ut no guns,1 he .arned
Hungry Joe" 1+nd no spitting,1 he .arned the %at sternly" 1;hen # turn you
!oth loose, go" 3rea' %lean in the %lin%hes and %ome !a%' fighting" 6oB1
There .as a huge, giddy %ro.d of men .ho .ere a$id for any di$ersion, !ut
the %at turned %hi%'en the moment )ossarian released him and fled from
Hungry Joe ignominiously li'e a yello. dog" Hungry Joe .as de%lared the
.inner" He s.aggered a.ay happily .ith the proud smile of a %hampion, his
shri$eled head high and his ema%iated %hest out" He .ent !a%' to !ed
$i%torious and dreamed again that Huple1s %at .as sleeping on his fa%e,
suffo%ating him"
Maor - "e Coverley
Mo$ing the !om! line did not fool the 6ermans, !ut it did fool Ma/or 9 de
Co$erley, .ho pa%'ed his musette !ag, %ommandeered an airplane and,
under the impression that 7loren%e too had !een %aptured !y the +llies,
had himself flo.n to that %ity to rent t.o apartments for the offi%ers and the
enlisted men in the s2uadron to use on rest lea$es" He had still not returned
!y the time )ossarian /umped !a%' outside Ma/or Ma/or1s offi%e and
.ondered .hom to appeal to ne4t for help"
Ma/or 9 de Co$erley .as a splendid, a.e9inspiring, gra$e old man .ith a
massi$e leonine head and an angry sho%' of .ild .hite hair that raged li'e
a !li00ard around his stern, patriar%hal fa%e" His duties as s2uadron
e4e%uti$e offi%er did %onsist entirely, as !oth -o% -anee'a and Ma/or Ma/or
had %on/e%tured, of pit%hing horseshoes, 'idnaping #talian la!orers, and
renting apartments for the enlisted men and offi%ers to use on rest lea$es,
and he e4%elled at all three"
a%h time the fall of a %ity li'e ,aples, *ome or 7loren%e seemed imminent,
Ma/or 9 de Co$erley .ould pa%' his musette !ag, %ommandeer an airplane
and a pilot, and ha$e himself flo.n a.ay, a%%omplishing all this .ithout
uttering a .ord, !y the sheer for%e of his solemn, domineering $isage and
the peremptory gestures of his .rin'led finger" + day or t.o after the %ity
fell, he .ould !e !a%' .ith leases on t.o large and lu4urious apartments
there, one for the offi%ers and one for the enlisted men, !oth already staffed
.ith %ompetent, /olly %oo's and maids" + fe. days after that, ne.spapers
.ould appear throughout the .orld .ith photographs of the first +meri%an
soldiers !ludgeoning their .ay into the shattered %ity through ru!!le and
smo'e" #ne$ita!ly, Ma/or 9 de Co$erley .as among them, seated straight as
a ramrod in a /eep he had o!tained from some.here, glan%ing neither right
nor left as the artillery fire !urst a!out his in$in%i!le head and lithe young
infantrymen .ith %ar!ines .ent loping up along the side.al's in the shelter
of !urning !uildings or fell dead in door.ays" He seemed eternally
indestru%ti!le as he sat there surrounded !y danger, his features molded
firmly into that same fier%e, regal, /ust and for!idding %ountenan%e .hi%h
.as re%ogni0ed and re$ered !y e$ery man in the s2uadron"
To 6erman intelligen%e, Ma/or 9 de Co$erley .as a $e4atious enigmaA not
one of the hundreds of +meri%an prisoners .ould e$er supply any %on%rete
information a!out the elderly .hite9haired offi%er .ith the gnarled and
mena%ing !ro. and !la0ing, po.erful eyes .ho seemed to spearhead
e$ery important ad$an%e so fearlessly and su%%essfully" To +meri%an
authorities his identity .as e2ually perple4ingA a .hole regiment of %ra%'
C"#"-" men had !een thro.n into the front lines to find out .ho he .as,
.hile a !attalion of %om!at9hardened pu!li%9relations offi%ers stood on red
alert t.enty9four hours a day .ith orders to !egin pu!li%i0ing him the
moment he .as lo%ated"
#n *ome, Ma/or 9 de Co$erley had outdone himself .ith the apartments" 7or
the offi%ers, .ho arri$ed in groups of four or fi$e, there .as an immense
dou!le room for ea%h in a ne. .hite stone !uilding, .ith three spa%ious
!athrooms .ith .alls of shimmering a2uamarine tile and one s'inny maid
named Mi%haela .ho tittered at e$erything and 'ept the apartment in
spotless order" (n the landing !elo. li$ed the o!se2uious o.ners" (n the
landing a!o$e li$ed the !eautiful ri%h !la%'9haired Countess and her
!eautiful, ri%h !la%'9haired daughter9in9la., !oth of .hom .ould put out
only for ,ately, .ho .as too shy to .ant them, and for +arfy, .ho .as too
stuffy to ta'e them and tried to dissuade them from e$er putting out for
anyone !ut their hus!ands, .ho had %hosen to remain in the north .ith the
family1s !usiness interests"
1They1re really a %ouple of good 'ids,1 +arfy %onfided earnestly to )ossarian,
.hose re%urring dream it .as to ha$e the nude mil'9.hite female !odies of
!oth these !eautiful ri%h !la%'9haired good 'ids lying stret%hed out in !ed
eroti%ally .ith him at the same time"
The enlisted men des%ended upon *ome in gangs of t.el$e or more .ith
6argantuan appetites and hea$y %rates filled .ith %anned food for the
.omen to %oo' and ser$e to them in the dining room of their o.n apartment
on the si4th floor of a red !ri%' !uilding .ith a %lin'ing ele$ator" There .as
al.ays more a%ti$ity at the enlisted men1s pla%e" There .ere al.ays more
enlisted men, to !egin .ith, and more .omen to %oo' and ser$e and s.eep
and s%ru!, and then there .ere al.ays the gay and silly sensual young girls
that )ossarian had found and !rought there and those that the sleepy
enlisted men returning to Pianosa after their e4hausting se$en9day de!au%h
had !rought there on their o.n and .ere lea$ing !ehind for .hoe$er
.anted them ne4t" The girls had shelter and food for as long as they
.anted to stay" +ll they had to do in return .as hump any of the men .ho
as'ed them to, .hi%h seemed to ma'e e$erything /ust a!out perfe%t for
them"
$ery fourth day or so Hungry Joe %ame %rashing in li'e a man in torment,
hoarse, .ild, and freneti%, if he had !een unlu%'y enough to finish his
missions again and .as flying the %ourier ship" Most times he slept at the
enlisted men1s apartment" ,o!ody .as %ertain ho. many rooms Ma/or 9 de
Co$erley had rented, not e$en the stout !la%'9!odi%ed .oman in %orsets on
the first floor from .hom he had rented them" They %o$ered the .hole top
floor, and )ossarian 'ne. they e4tended do.n to the fifth floor as .ell, for it
.as in Sno.den1s room on the fifth floor that he had finally found the maid
in the lime9%olored panties .ith a dust mop the day after 3ologna, after
Hungry Joe had dis%o$ered him in !ed .ith &u%iana at the offi%ers1
apartment that same morning and had gone running li'e a fiend for his
%amera"
The maid in the lime9%olored panties .as a %heerful, fat, o!liging .oman in
her mid9thirties .ith s2uashy thighs and s.aying hams in lime9%olored
panties that she .as al.ays rolling off for any man .ho .anted her" She
had a plain !road fa%e and .as the most $irtuous .oman ali$e@ she laid
for everybody, regardless of ra%e, %reed, %olor or pla%e of national origin,
donating herself so%ia!ly as an a%t of hospitality, pro%rastinating not e$en
for the moment it might ta'e to dis%ard the %loth or !room or dust mop she
.as %lut%hing at the time she .as gra!!ed" Her allure stemmed from her
a%%essi!ilityA li'e Mt" $erest, she .as there, and the men %lim!ed on top of
her ea%h time they felt the urge" )ossarian .as in lo$e .ith the maid in the
lime9%olored panties !e%ause she seemed to !e the only .oman left he
%ould ma'e lo$e to .ithout falling in lo$e .ith" $en the !ald9headed girl in
Si%ily still e$o'ed in him strong sensations of pity, tenderness and regret"
-espite the multiple perils to .hi%h Ma/or 9 de Co$erley e4posed himself
ea%h time he rented apartments, his only in/ury had o%%urred, ironi%ally
enough, .hile he .as leading the triumphal pro%ession into the open %ity of
*ome, .here he .as .ounded in the eye !y a flo.er fired at him from %lose
range !y a seedy, %a%'ling, into4i%ated old man, .ho, li'e Satan himself,
had then !ounded up on Ma/or 9 de Co$erley1s %ar .ith mali%ious glee,
sei0ed him roughly and %ontemptuously !y his $enera!le .hite head and
'issed him mo%'ingly on ea%h %hee' .ith a mouth ree'ing .ith sour fumes
of .ine, %heese and garli%, !efore dropping !a%' into the /oyous %ele!rating
throngs .ith a hollo., dry, e4%oriating laugh" Ma/or 9 de Co$erley, a Spartan
in ad$ersity, did not flin%h on%e throughout the .hole hideous ordeal" +nd
not until he had returned to Pianosa, his !usiness in *ome %ompleted, did
he see' medi%al attention for his .ound"
He resol$ed to remain !ino%ular and spe%ified to -o% -anee'a that his eye
pat%h !e transparent so that he %ould %ontinue pit%hing horseshoes,
'idnaping #talian la!orers and renting apartments .ith unimpaired $ision" To
the men in the s2uadron, Ma/or 9 de Co$erley .as a %olossus, although
they ne$er dared tell him so" The only one .ho e$er did dare address him
.as Milo Minder!inder, .ho approa%hed the horseshoe9pit%hing pit .ith a
hard9!oiled egg his se%ond .ee' in the s2uadron and held it aloft for Ma/or
9 de Co$erley to see" Ma/or 9 de Co$erley straightened .ith astonishment at
Milo1s effrontery and %on%entrated upon him the full fury of his storming
%ountenan%e .ith its rugged o$erhang of gullied forehead and huge %rag of
a hump!a%'ed nose that %ame %harging out of his fa%e .rathfully li'e a 3ig
Ten full!a%'" Milo stood his ground, ta'ing shelter !ehind the hard9!oiled
egg raised prote%ti$ely !efore his fa%e li'e a magi% %harm" #n time the gale
!egan to su!side, and the danger passed"
1;hat is that51 Ma/or 9 de Co$erley demanded at last"
1+n egg,1 Milo ans.ered
1;hat 'ind of an egg51 Ma/or 9 de Co$erley demanded"
1+ hard9!oiled egg,1 Milo ans.ered"
1;hat 'ind of a hard9!oiled egg51 Ma/or 9 de Co$erley demanded"
1+ fresh hard9!oiled egg,1 Milo ans.ered"
1;here did the fresh egg %ome from51 Ma/or 9 de Co$erley demanded"
17rom a %hi%'en,1 Milo ans.ered"
1;here is the %hi%'en51 Ma/or 9 de Co$erley demanded"
1The %hi%'en is in Malta,1 Milo ans.ered"
1Ho. many %hi%'ens are there in Malta51
1nough %hi%'ens to lay fresh eggs for e$ery offi%er in the s2uadron at fi$e
%ents apie%e from the mess fund,1 Milo ans.ered"
1# ha$e a .ea'ness for fresh eggs,1 Ma/or 9 de Co$erley %onfessed"
1#f someone put a plane at my disposal, # %ould fly do.n there on%e a .ee'
in a s2uadron plane and !ring !a%' all the fresh eggs .e need,1 Milo
ans.ered" 1+fter all, Malta1s not so far a.ay"1
1Malta1s not so far a.ay,1 Ma/or 9 de Co$erley o!ser$ed" 1)ou %ould pro!a!ly
fly do.n there on%e a .ee' in a s2uadron plane and !ring !a%' all the fresh
eggs .e need"1
1)es,1 Milo agreed" 1# suppose # %ould do that, if someone .anted me to and
put a plane at my disposal"1
1# li'e my fresh eggs fried,1 Ma/or 9 de Co$erley remem!ered" 1#n fresh
!utter"1
1# %an find all the fresh !utter .e need in Si%ily for t.enty9fi$e %ents a
pound,1 Milo ans.ered" 1T.enty9fi$e %ents a pound for fresh !utter is a good
!uy" There1s enough money in the mess fund for !utter too, and .e %ould
pro!a!ly sell some to the other s2uadrons at a profit and get !a%' most of
.hat .e pay for our o.n"1
1;hat1s your name, son51 as'ed Ma/or 9 de Co$erley"
1My name is Milo Minder!inder, sir" # am t.enty9se$en years old"1
1)ou1re a good mess offi%er, Milo"1
1#1m not the mess offi%er, sir"1
1)ou1re a good mess offi%er, Milo"1
1Than' you, sir" #1ll do e$erything in my po.er to !e a good mess offi%er"1
13less you, my !oy" Ha$e a horseshoe"1
1Than' you, sir" ;hat should # do .ith it51
1Thro. it"1
1+.ay51
1+t the peg there" Then pi%' it up and thro. it at this peg" #t1s a game, see5
)ou get the horseshoe !a%'"1
1)es, sir" # see" Ho. mu%h are horseshoes selling for51
The smell of a fresh egg snapping e4oti%ally in a pool of fresh !utter %arried
a long .ay on the Mediterranean trade .inds and !rought 6eneral -reedle
ra%ing !a%' .ith a $ora%ious appetite, a%%ompanied !y his nurse, .ho
a%%ompanied him e$ery.here, and his son9in9la., Colonel Moodus" #n the
!eginning 6eneral -reedle de$oured all his meals in Milo1s mess hall" Then
the other three s2uadrons in Colonel Cath%art1s group turned their mess
halls o$er to Milo and ga$e him an airplane and a pilot ea%h so that he
%ould !uy fresh eggs and fresh !utter for them too" Milo1s planes shuttled
!a%' and forth se$en days a .ee' as e$ery offi%er in the four s2uadrons
!egan de$ouring fresh eggs in an insatia!le orgy of fresh9egg eating"
6eneral -reedle de$oured fresh eggs for !rea'fast, lun%h and dinner =
!et.een meals he de$oured more fresh eggs = until Milo lo%ated a!undant
sour%es of fresh $eal, !eef, du%', !a!y lam! %hops, mushroom %aps,
!ro%%oli, South +fri%an ro%' lo!ster tails, shrimp, hams, puddings, grapes,
i%e %ream, stra.!erries and arti%ho'es" There .ere three other !om!
groups in 6eneral -reedle1s %om!at .ing, and they ea%h /ealously
dispat%hed their o.n planes to Malta for fresh eggs, !ut dis%o$ered that
fresh eggs .ere selling there for se$en %ents apie%e" Sin%e they %ould !uy
them from Milo for fi$e %ents apie%e, it made more sense to turn
o$er their mess halls to his syndi%ate, too, and gi$e him the planes and
pilots needed to ferry in all the other good food he promised to supply as
.ell"
$eryone .as elated .ith this turn of e$ents, most of all Colonel Cath%art,
.ho .as %on$in%ed he had .on a feather in his %ap" He greeted Milo
/o$ially ea%h time they met and, in an e4%ess of %ontrite generosity,
impulsi$ely re%ommended Ma/or Ma/or for promotion" The re%ommendation
.as re/e%ted at on%e at T.enty9se$enth +ir 7or%e Head2uarters !y e49
P"7"C" ;intergreen, .ho s%ri!!led a !rus2ue, unsigned reminder that the
+rmy had only one Ma/or Ma/or Ma/or Ma/or and did not intend to lose him
!y promotion /ust to please Colonel Cath%art" Colonel Cath%art .as stung
!y the !lunt re!u'e and s'ul'ed guiltily a!out his room in smarting
repudiation" He !lamed Ma/or Ma/or for this !la%' eye and de%ided to !ust
him do.n to lieutenant that $ery same day"
1They pro!a!ly .on1t let you,1 Colonel >orn remar'ed .ith a %ondes%ending
smile, sa$oring the situation" 17or pre%isely the same reasons that they
.ouldn1t let you promote him" 3esides, you1d %ertainly loo' foolish trying to
!ust him do.n to lieutenant right after you tried to promote him to my ran'"1
Colonel Cath%art felt hemmed in on e$ery side" He had !een mu%h more
su%%essful in o!taining a medal for )ossarian after the de!a%le of 7errara,
.hen the !ridge spanning the Po .as still standing undamaged se$en days
after Colonel Cath%art had $olunteered to destroy it" ,ine missions his men
had flo.n there in si4 days, and the !ridge .as not demolished until the
tenth mission on the se$enth day, .hen )ossarian 'illed >raft and his %re.
!y ta'ing his flight of si4 planes in o$er the target a se%ond time" )ossarian
%ame in %arefully on his se%ond !om! run !e%ause he .as !ra$e then" He
!uried his head in his !om!sight until his !om!s .ere a.ayA .hen he
loo'ed up, e$erything inside the ship .as suffused in a .eird orange glo."
+t first he thought that his o.n plane .as on fire" Then he spied the plane
.ith the !urning engine dire%tly a!o$e him and s%reamed to M%;att
through the inter%om to turn left hard" + se%ond later, the .ing of >raft1s
plane !le. off" The flaming .re%' dropped, first the fuselage, then the
spinning .ing, .hile a sho.er of tiny metal fragments !egan tap dan%ing on
the roof of )ossarian1s o.n plane and the in%essant cachung cachung
cachung of the fla' .as still thumping all around him"
3a%' on the ground, e$ery eye .at%hed grimly as he .al'ed in dull
de/e%tion up to Captain 3la%' outside the green %lap!oard !riefing room to
ma'e his intelligen%e report and learned that Colonel Cath%art and Colonel
>orn .ere .aiting to spea' to him inside" Ma/or -an!y stood !arring the
door, .a$ing e$eryone else a.ay in ashen silen%e" )ossarian .as leaden
.ith fatigue and longed to remo$e his sti%'y %lothing" He stepped into the
!riefing room .ith mi4ed emotions, un%ertain ho. he .as supposed to feel
a!out >raft and the others, for they had all died in the distan%e of a mute
and se%luded agony at a moment .hen he .as up to his o.n ass in the
same $ile, e4%ru%iating dilemma of duty and damnation"
Colonel Cath%art, on the other hand, .as all !ro'en up !y the e$ent"
1T.i%e51 he as'ed"
1# .ould ha$e missed it the first time,1 )ossarian replied softly, his fa%e
lo.ered"
Their $oi%es e%hoed slightly in the long, narro. !ungalo."
13ut t#ice51 Colonel Cath%art repeated, in $i$id dis!elief"
1# .ould ha$e missed it the first time,1 )ossarian repeated"
13ut >raft .ould !e ali$e"1
1+nd the !ridge .ould still !e up"1
1+ trained !om!ardier is supposed to drop his !om!s the first time,1 Colonel
Cath%art reminded him" 1The other fi$e !om!ardiers dropped their !om!s
the first time"1
1+nd missed the target,1 )ossarian said" 1;e1d ha$e had to go !a%' there
again"1
1+nd may!e you .ould ha$e gotten it the first time then"1
1+nd may!e # .ouldn1t ha$e gotten it at all"1
13ut may!e there .ouldn1t ha$e !een any losses"1
1+nd may!e there .ould ha$e !een more losses, .ith the !ridge still left
standing" # thought you .anted the !ridge destroyed"1
1-on1t %ontradi%t me,1 Colonel Cath%art said" 1;e1re all in enough trou!le"1
1#1m not %ontradi%ting you, sir"1
1)es you are" $en that1s a %ontradi%tion"1
1)es, sir" #1m sorry"1
Colonel Cath%art %ra%'ed his 'nu%'les $iolently" Colonel >orn, a sto%'y,
dar', fla%%id man .ith a shapeless paun%h, sat %ompletely rela4ed on one
of the !en%hes in the front ro., his hands %lasped %omforta!ly o$er the top
of his !ald and s.arthy head" His eyes .ere amused !ehind his glinting
rimless spe%ta%les"
1;e1re trying to !e perfe%tly o!/e%ti$e a!out this,1 he prompted Colonel
Cath%art"
1;e1re trying to !e perfe%tly o!/e%ti$e a!out this,1 Colonel Cath%art said to
)ossarian .ith the 0eal of sudden inspiration" 1#t1s not that #1m !eing
sentimental or anything" # don1t gi$e a damn a!out the men or the airplane"
#t1s /ust that it loo's so lousy on the report" Ho. am # going to %o$er up
something li'e this in the report51
1;hy don1t you gi$e me a medal51 )ossarian suggested timidly"
17or going around t.i%e51
1)ou ga$e one to Hungry Joe .hen he %ra%'ed up that airplane !y mista'e"1
Colonel Cath%art sni%'ered ruefully" 1)ou1ll !e lu%'y if .e don1t gi$e you a
%ourt9martial"1
13ut # got the !ridge the se%ond time around,1 )ossarian protested" 1#
thought you .anted the !ridge destroyed"1
1(h, # don1t 'no. .hat # .anted,1 Colonel Cath%art %ried out in e4asperation"
1&oo', of %ourse # .anted the !ridge destroyed" That !ridge has !een a
sour%e of trou!le to me e$er sin%e # de%ided to send you men out to get it"
3ut .hy %ouldn1t you do it the first time51
1# didn1t ha$e enough time" My na$igator .asn1t sure .e had the right %ity"1
1The right %ity51 Colonel Cath%art .as !affled" 1+re you trying to !lame it all
on +arfy no.51
1,o, sir" #t .as my mista'e for letting him distra%t me" +ll #1m trying to say is
that #1m not infalli!le"1
1,o!ody is infalli!le,1 Colonel Cath%art said sharply, and then %ontinued
$aguely, .ith an afterthought@ 1,o!ody is indispensa!le, either"1
There .as no re!uttal" Colonel >orn stret%hed sluggishly" 1;e1$e got to
rea%h a de%ision,1 he o!ser$ed %asually to Colonel Cath%art"
1;e1$e got to rea%h a de%ision,1 Colonel Cath%art said to )ossarian" 1+nd it1s
all your fault" ;hy did you ha$e to go around t.i%e5 ;hy %ouldn1t you drop
your !om!s the first time li'e all the others51
1# .ould ha$e missed the first time"1
1#t seems to me that .e1re going around t.i%e,1 Colonel >orn interrupted
.ith a %hu%'le"
13ut .hat are .e going to do51 Colonel Cath%art e4%laimed .ith distress"
1The others are all .aiting outside"1
1;hy don1t .e gi$e him a medal51 Colonel >orn proposed"
17or going around t.i%e5 ;hat %an .e gi$e him a medal for51
17or going around t.i%e,1 Colonel >orn ans.ered .ith a refle%ti$e, self9
satisfied smile" 1+fter all, # suppose it did ta'e a lot of %ourage to go o$er
that target a se%ond time .ith no other planes around to di$ert the
antiair%raft fire" +nd he did hit the !ridge" )ou 'no., that might !e the
ans.er = to a%t !oastfully a!out something .e ought to !e ashamed of"
That1s a tri%' that ne$er seems to fail"1
1-o you thin' it .ill .or'51
1#1m sure it .ill" +nd let1s promote him to %aptain, too, /ust to ma'e %ertain"1
1-on1t you thin' that1s going a !it farther than .e ha$e to51
1,o, # don1t thin' so" #t1s !est to play safe" +nd a %aptain1s not mu%h
differen%e"1
1+ll right,1 Colonel Cath%art de%ided" 1;e1ll gi$e him a medal for !eing !ra$e
enough to go around o$er the target t.i%e" +nd .e1ll ma'e him a %aptain,
too"1
Colonel >orn rea%hed for his hat"
14it smiling,1 he /o'ed, and put his arm around )ossarian1s shoulders as
they stepped outside the door"
#i$ Sampson
3y the time of the mission to 3ologna, )ossarian .as !ra$e enough not to
go around o$er the target e$en on%e, and .hen he found himself aloft
finally in the nose of >id Sampson1s plane, he pressed in the !utton of his
throat mi'e and as'ed,
1;ell5 ;hat1s .rong .ith the plane51
>id Sampson let out a shrie'" 1#s something .rong .ith the plane5 ;hat1s
the matter51
>id Sampson1s %ry turned )ossarian to i%e" 1#s something the matter51 he
yelled in horror" 1+re .e !ailing out51
1# don1t 'no.B1 >id Sampson shot !a%' in anguish, .ailing e4%itedly"
1Someone said .e1re !ailing outB ;ho is this, any.ay5 ;ho is this51
1This is )ossarian in the noseB )ossarian in the nose" # heard you say there
.as something the matter" -idn1t you say there .as something the matter51
1# thought you said there .as something .rong" $erything seems o'ay"
$erything is all right"1
)ossarian1s heart san'" Something .as terri!ly .rong if e$erything .as all
right and they had no e4%use for turning !a%'" He hesitated gra$ely"
1# %an1t hear you,1 he said"
1# said e$erything is all right"1
The sun .as !linding .hite on the por%elain9!lue .ater !elo. and on the
flashing edges of the other airplanes" )ossarian too' hold of the %olored
.ires leading into the /a%'!o4 of the inter%om system and tore them loose"
1# still %an1t hear you,1 he said"
He heard nothing" Slo.ly he %olle%ted his map %ase and his three fla' suits
and %ra.led !a%' to the main %ompartment" ,ately, sitting stiffly in the %o9
pilot1s seat, spied him through the %orner of his eye as he stepped up on the
flight de%' !ehind >id Sampson" He smiled at )ossarian .anly, loo'ing frail
and e4%eptionally young and !ashful in the !ul'y dungeon of his
earphones, hat, throat mi'e, fla' suit and para%hute" )ossarian !ent %lose
to >id Sampson1s ear"
1# still %an1t hear you,1 he shouted a!o$e the e$en drone of the engines"
>id Sampson glan%ed !a%' at him .ith surprise" >id Sampson had an
angular, %omi%al fa%e .ith ar%hed eye!ro.s and a s%ra.ny !lond
musta%he"
1;hat51 he %alled out o$er his shoulder"
1# still %an1t hear you,1 )ossarian repeated"
1)ou1ll ha$e to tal' louder,1 >id Sampson said" 1# still %an1t hear you"1
1# said # still %an1t hear youB1 )ossarian yelled"
1# %an1t help it,1 >id Sampson yelled !a%' at him" 1#1m shouting as loud as #
%an"1
1# %ouldn1t hear you o$er my inter%om,1 )ossarian !ello.ed in mounting
helplessness" 1)ou1ll ha$e to turn !a%'"1
17or an inter%om51 as'ed >id Sampson in%redulously"
1Turn !a%',1 said )ossarian, 1!efore # !rea' your head"1
>id Sampson loo'ed for moral support to.ard ,ately, .ho stared a.ay
from him pointedly" )ossarian outran'ed them !oth" >id Sampson resisted
dou!tfully for another moment and then %apitulated eagerly .ith a
triumphant .hoop"
1That1s /ust fine .ith me,1 he announ%ed gladly, and !le. out a shrill series
of .histles up into his musta%he" 1)es sirree, that1s /ust fine .ith old >id
Sampson"1 He .histled again and shouted o$er the inter%om, 1,o. hear
this, my little %hi%'adees" This is +dmiral >id Sampson tal'ing" This is
+dmiral >id Sampson s2ua.'ing, the pride of the Hueen1s marines"
)essiree" ;e1re turning !a%', !oys, !y %ra%'ee, #e're turning back1
,ately ripped off his hat and earphones in one /u!ilant s.eep and !egan
ro%'ing !a%' and forth happily li'e a handsome %hild in a high %hair"
Sergeant >night %ame plummeting do.n from the top gun turret and !egan
pounding them all on the !a%' .ith delirious enthusiasm" >id Sampson
turned the plane a.ay from the formation in a .ide, gra%eful ar% and
headed to.ard the airfield" ;hen )ossarian plugged his headset into one of
the au4iliary /a%'!o4es, the t.o gunners in the rear se%tion of the plane
.ere !oth singing 1&a Cu%ara%ha"1
3a%' at the field, the party fi00led out a!ruptly" +n uneasy silen%e repla%ed
it, and )ossarian .as so!er and self9%ons%ious as he %lim!ed do.n from
the plane and too' his pla%e in the /eep that .as already .aiting for them"
,one of the men spo'e at all on the dri$e !a%' through the hea$y,
mesmeri0ing 2uiet !lan'eting mountains, sea and forests" The feeling of
desolation persisted .hen they turned off the road at the s2uadron"
)ossarian got out of the %ar last" +fter a minute, )ossarian and a gentle
.arm .ind .ere the only things stirring in the haunting tran2uillity that hung
li'e a drug o$er the $a%ated tents" The s2uadron stood insensate, !ereft of
e$erything human !ut -o% -anee'a, .ho roosted dolorously li'e a
shi$ering tur'ey !u00ard !eside the %losed door of the medi%al tent, his
stuffed nose /a!!ing a.ay in thirsting futility at the ha0y sunlight streaming
do.n around him" )ossarian 'ne. -o% -anee'a .ould not go s.imming
.ith him" -o% -anee'a .ould ne$er go s.imming againA a person %ould
s.oon or suffer a mild %oronary o%%lusion in an in%h or t.o of .ater and
dro.n to death, !e %arried out to sea !y an underto., or made $ulnera!le
to poliomyelitis or meningo%o%%us infe%tion through %hilling or o$er9e4ertion"
The threat of 3ologna to others had instilled in -o% -anee'a an e$en more
poignant soli%itude for his o.n safety" +t night no., he heard !urglars"
Through the la$ender gloom %louding the entran%e of the operations tent,
)ossarian glimpsed Chief ;hite Halfoat, diligently em!e00ling .his'ey
rations, forging the signatures of nondrin'ers and pouring off the al%ohol
.ith .hi%h he .as poisoning himself into separate !ottles rapidly in order to
steal as mu%h as he %ould !efore Captain 3la%' roused himself .ith
re%olle%tion and %ame hurrying o$er indolently to steal the rest himself"
The /eep started up again softly" >id Sampson, ,ately and the others
.andered apart in a noiseless eddy of motion and .ere su%'ed a.ay into
the %loying yello. stillness" The /eep $anished .ith a %ough" )ossarian .as
alone in a ponderous, prime$al lull in .hi%h e$erything green loo'ed !la%'
and e$erything else .as im!ued .ith the %olor of pus" The !ree0e rustled
lea$es in a dry and diaphanous distan%e" He .as restless, s%ared and
sleepy" The so%'ets of his eyes felt grimy .ith e4haustion" ;earily he
mo$ed inside the para%hute tent .ith its long ta!le of smoothed .ood, a
nagging !it%h of a dou!t !urro.ing painlessly inside a %ons%ien%e that felt
perfe%tly %lear" He left his fla' suit and para%hute there and %rossed !a%'
past the .ater .agon to the intelligen%e tent to return his map %ase to
Captain 3la%', .ho sat dro.sing in his %hair .ith his s'inny long legs up on
his des' and in2uired .ith indifferent %uriosity .hy )ossarian1s plane had
turned !a%'" )ossarian ignored him" He set the map do.n on the %ounter
and .al'ed out"
3a%' in his o.n tent, he s2uirmed out of his para%hute harness and then
out of his %lothes" (rr .as in *ome, due !a%' that same afternoon from the
rest lea$e he had .on !y dit%hing his plane in the .aters off 6enoa"
,ately .ould already !e pa%'ing to repla%e him, entran%ed to find himself
still ali$e and undou!tedly impatient to resume his .asted and
heart!rea'ing %ourtship of his prostitute in *ome" ;hen )ossarian .as
undressed, he sat do.n on his %ot to rest" He felt mu%h !etter as soon as
he .as na'ed" He ne$er felt %omforta!le in %lothes" #n a little .hile he put
fresh undershorts !a%' on and set out for the !ea%h in his mo%%asins, a
'ha'i9%olored !ath to.el draped o$er his shoulders"
The path from the s2uadron led him around a mysterious gun empla%ement
in the .oodsA t.o of the three enlisted men stationed there lay sleeping on
the %ir%le of sand !ags and the third sat eating a purple pomegranate, !iting
off large mouthfuls !et.een his %hurning /a.s and spe.ing the ground
roughage out a.ay from him into the !ushes" ;hen he !it, red /ui%e ran out
of his mouth" )ossarian padded ahead into the forest again, %aressing his
!are, tingling !elly adoringly from time to time as though to reassure himself
it .as all still there" He rolled a pie%e of lint out of his na$el" +long the
ground suddenly, on !oth sides of the path, he sa. do0ens of ne.
mushrooms the rain had spa.ned po'ing their nodular fingers up through
the %lammy earth li'e lifeless stal's of flesh, sprouting in su%h ne%roti%
profusion e$ery.here he loo'ed that they seemed to !e proliferating right
!efore his eyes" There .ere thousands of them s.arming as far !a%' into
the under!rush as he %ould see, and they appeared to s.ell in si0e and
multiply in num!er as he spied them" He hurried a.ay from them .ith a
shi$er of eerie alarm and did not sla%'en his pa%e until the soil %rum!led to
dry sand !eneath his feet and they had !een left !ehind" He glan%ed !a%'
apprehensi$ely, half e4pe%ting to find the limp .hite things %ra.ling after
him in sightless pursuit or sna'ing up through the treetops in a .rithing and
ungo$erna!le mutati$e mass"
The !ea%h .as deserted" The only sounds .ere hushed ones, the !loated
gurgle of the stream, the respirating hum of the tall grass and shru!s !ehind
him, the apatheti% moaning of the dum!, translu%ent .a$es" The surf .as
al.ays small, the .ater %lear and %ool" )ossarian left his things on the sand
and mo$ed through the 'nee9high .a$es until he .as %ompletely
immersed" (n the other side of the sea, a !umpy sli$er of dar' land lay
.rapped in mist, almost in$isi!le" He s.am languorously out to the raft,
held on a moment, and s.am languorously !a%' to .here he %ould stand
on the sand !ar" He su!merged himself head first into the green .ater
se$eral times until he felt %lean and .ide9a.a'e and then stret%hed himself
out fa%e do.n in the sand and slept until the planes returning from 3ologna
.ere almost o$erhead and the great, %umulati$e rum!le of their many
engines %ame %rashing in through his slum!er in an earth9shattering roar"
He .o'e up !lin'ing .ith a slight pain in his head and opened his eyes
upon a .orld !oiling in %haos in .hi%h e$erything .as in proper order" He
gasped in utter ama0ement at the fantasti% sight of the t.el$e flights of
planes organi0ed %almly into e4a%t formation" The s%ene .as too
une4pe%ted to !e true" There .ere no planes spurting ahead .ith .ounded,
none lagging !ehind .ith damage" ,o distress flares smo'ed in the s'y" ,o
ship .as missing !ut his o.n" 7or an instant he .as paraly0ed .ith a
sensation of madness" Then he understood, and almost .ept at the irony"
The e4planation .as simple@ %louds had %o$ered the target !efore the
planes %ould !om! it, and the mission to 3ologna .as still to !e flo.n"
He .as .rong" There had !een no %louds" 3ologna had !een !om!ed"
3ologna .as a mil' run" There had !een no fla' there at all"
%iltchar$ & Wren
Captain Pilt%hard and Captain ;ren, the inoffensi$e /oint s2uadron
operations offi%ers, .ere !oth mild, soft9spo'en men of less than middle
height .ho en/oyed flying %om!at missions and !egged nothing more of life
and Colonel Cath%art than the opportunity to %ontinue flying them" They had
flo.n hundreds of %om!at missions and .anted to fly hundreds more" They
assigned themsel$es to e$ery one" ,othing so .onderful as .ar had e$er
happened to them !eforeA and they .ere afraid it might ne$er happen to
them again" They %ondu%ted their duties hum!ly and reti%ently, .ith a
minimum of fuss, and .ent to great lengths not to antagoni0e anyone" They
smiled 2ui%'ly at e$eryone they passed" ;hen they spo'e, they mum!led"
They .ere shifty, %heerful, su!ser$ient men .ho .ere %omforta!le only .ith
ea%h other and ne$er met anyone else1s eye, not e$en )ossarian1s eye at
the open9air meeting they %alled to reprimand him pu!li%ly for ma'ing >id
Sampson turn !a%' from the mission to 3ologna"
17ellas,1 said Captain Pilt%hard, .ho had thinning dar' hair and smiled
a.'.ardly" 1;hen you turn !a%' from a mission, try to ma'e sure it1s for
something important, .ill you5 ,ot for something unimportant? li'e a
defe%ti$e inter%om? or something li'e that" ('ay5 Captain ;ren has more
he .ants to say to you on that su!/e%t"1
1Captain Pilt%hard1s right, fellas,1 said Captain ;ren" 1+nd that1s all #1m going
to say to you on that su!/e%t" ;ell, .e finally got to 3ologna today, and .e
found out it1s a mil' run" ;e .ere all a little ner$ous, # guess, and didn1t do
too mu%h damage" ;ell, listen to this" Colonel Cath%art got permission for
us to go !a%'" +nd tomorro. .e1re really going to paste those ammunition
dumps" ,o., .hat do you thin' a!out that51
+nd to pro$e to )ossarian that they !ore him no animosity, they e$en
assigned him to fly lead !om!ardier .ith M%;att in the first formation .hen
they .ent !a%' to 3ologna the ne4t day" He %ame in on the target li'e a
Ha$ermeyer, %onfidently ta'ing no e$asi$e a%tion at all, and suddenly they
.ere shooting the li$ing shit out of himB
Hea$y fla' .as e$ery.hereB He had !een lulled, lured and trapped, and
there .as nothing he %ould do !ut sit there li'e an idiot and .at%h the ugly
!la%' puffs smashing up to 'ill him" There .as nothing he %ould do until his
!om!s dropped !ut loo' !a%' into the !om!sight, .here the fine %ross9hairs
in the lens .ere glued magneti%ally o$er the target e4a%tly .here he had
pla%ed them, interse%ting perfe%tly deep inside the yard of his !lo%' of
%amouflaged .arehouses !efore the !ase of the first !uilding" He .as
trem!ling steadily as the plane %rept ahead" He %ould hear the
hollo. boom&boom&boom&boom of the fla' pounding all around him in
o$erlapping measures of four, the sharp, pier%ing %ra%'B of a single shell
e4ploding suddenly $ery %lose !y" His head .as !ursting .ith a thousand
dissonant impulses as he prayed for the !om!s to drop" He .anted to so!"
The engines droned on monotonously li'e a fat, la0y fly" +t last the indi%es
on the !om!sight %rossed, tripping a.ay the eight 5889pounders one after
the other" The plane lur%hed up.ard !uoyantly .ith the lightened load"
)ossarian !ent a.ay from the !om!sight %roo'edly to .at%h the indi%ator
on his left" ;hen the pointer tou%hed 0ero, he %losed the !om! !ay doors
and, o$er the inter%om, at the $ery top of his $oi%e, shrie'ed@
1Turn right hardB1
M%;att responded instantly" ;ith a grinding ho.l of engines, he flipped the
plane o$er on one .ing and .rung it around remorselessly in a s%reaming
turn a.ay from the t.in spires of fla' )ossarian had spied sta!!ing to.ard
them" Then )ossarian had M%;att %lim! and 'eep %lim!ing higher and
higher until they tore free finally into a %alm, diamond9!lue s'y that .as
sunny and pure e$ery.here and la%ed in the distan%e .ith long .hite $eils
of tenuous fluff" The .ind strummed soothingly against the %ylindri%al panes
of his .indo.s, and he rela4ed e4ultantly only until they pi%'ed up speed
again and then turned M%;att left and plunged him right !a%' do.n,
noti%ing .ith a transitory spasm of elation the mushrooming %lusters of fla'
leaping open high a!o$e him and !a%' o$er his shoulder to the right,
e4a%tly .here he %ould ha$e !een if he had not turned left and di$ed" He
le$eled M%;att out .ith another harsh %ry and .hipped him up.ard and
around again into a ragged !lue pat%h of unpolluted air /ust as the !om!s
he had dropped !egan to stri'e" The first one fell in the yard, e4a%tly .here
he had aimed, and then the rest of the !om!s from his o.n plane and from
the other planes in his flight !urst open on the ground in a %harge of rapid
orange flashes a%ross the tops of the !uildings, .hi%h %ollapsed instantly in
a $ast, %hurning .a$e of pin' and gray and %oal9!la%' smo'e that .ent
rolling out tur!ulently in all dire%tions and 2ua'ed %on$ulsi$ely in its !o.els
as though from great !lasts of red and .hite and golden sheet lightning"
1;ell, .ill you loo' at that,1 +arfy mar$eled sonorously right !eside
)ossarian, his plump, or!i%ular fa%e spar'ling .ith a loo' of !right
en%hantment" 1There must ha$e !een an ammunition dump do.n there"1
)ossarian had forgotten a!out +arfy" 16et outB1 he shouted at him" 16et out
of the noseB1
+arfy smiled politely and pointed do.n to.ard the target in a generous
in$itation for )ossarian to loo'" )ossarian !egan slapping at him insistently
and signaled .ildly to.ard the entran%e of the %ra.l.ay"
16et !a%' in the shipB1 he %ried franti%ally" 16et !a%' in the shipB1
+arfy shrugged amia!ly" 1# %an1t hear you,1 he e4plained"
)ossarian sei0ed him !y the straps of his para%hute harness and pushed
him !a%'.ard to.ard the %ra.l.ay /ust as the plane .as hit .ith a /arring
%on%ussion that rattled his !ones and made his heart stop" He 'ne. at on%e
they .ere all dead"
1Clim!B1 he s%reamed into the inter%om at M%;att .hen he sa. he .as still
ali$e" ''limb, you bastard 'limb, climb, climb, climb'
The plane 0oomed up.ard again in a %lim! that .as s.ift and straining,
until he le$eled it out .ith another harsh shout at M%;att and .ren%hed it
around on%e more in a roaring, mer%iless forty9fi$e9degree turn that su%'ed
his insides out in one ener$ating sniff and left him floating fleshless in mid9
air until he le$eled M%;att out again /ust long enough to hurl him !a%'
around to.ard the right and then do.n into a s%ree%hing di$e" Through
endless !lo!s of ghostly !la%' smo'e he sped, the hanging smut .afting
against the smooth ple4iglass nose of the ship li'e an e$il, damp, sooty
$apor against his %hee's" His heart .as hammering again in a%hing terror
as he hurtled up.ard and do.n.ard through the !lind gangs of fla'
%harging murderously into the s'y at him, then sagging inertly" S.eat
gushed from his ne%' in torrents and poured do.n o$er his %hest and .aist
.ith the feeling of .arm slime" He .as $aguely a.are for an instant that the
planes in his formation .ere no longer there, and then he .as a.are of only
himself" His throat hurt li'e a ra. slash from the strangling intensity .ith
.hi%h he shrie'ed ea%h %ommand to M%;att" The engines rose to a
deafening, agoni0ed, ululating !ello. ea%h time M%;att %hanged dire%tion"
+nd far out in front the !ursts of fla' .ere still s.arming into the s'y from
ne. !atteries of guns po'ing around for a%%urate altitude as they .aited
sadisti%ally for him to fly into range"
The plane .as slammed again suddenly .ith another loud, /arring e4plosion
that almost ro%'ed it o$er on its !a%', and the nose filled immediately .ith
s.eet %louds of !lue smo'e" Something #as on fire )ossarian .hirled to
es%ape and sma%'ed into +arfy, .ho had stru%' a mat%h and .as pla%idly
lighting his pipe" )ossarian gaped at his grinning, moon9fa%ed na$igator in
utter sho%' and %onfusion" #t o%%urred to him that one of them .as mad"
1Jesus ChristB1 he s%reamed at +arfy in tortured ama0ement" 16et the hell
out of the noseB +re you %ra0y5 6et outB1
1;hat51 said +arfy"
16et outB1 )ossarian yelled hysteri%ally, and !egan %lu!!ing +arfy
!a%'handed .ith !oth fists to dri$e him a.ay" 16et outB1
1# still %an1t hear you,1 +arfy %alled !a%' inno%ently .ith an e4pression of
mild and repro$ing perple4ity" 1)ou1ll ha$e to tal' a little louder"1
16et out of the noseB1 )ossarian shrie'ed in frustration" 1They1re trying to 'ill
usB -on1t you understand5 They1re trying to 'ill usB1
1;hi%h .ay should # go, goddam it51 M%;att shouted furiously o$er the
inter%om in a suffering, high9pit%hed $oi%e" 1;hi%h .ay should # go51
1Turn leftB Left, you goddam dirty son of a !it%hB Turn left hard1
+arfy %rept up %lose !ehind )ossarian and /a!!ed him sharply in the ri!s
.ith the stem of his pipe" )ossarian fle. up to.ard the %eiling .ith a
.hinnying %ry, then /umped %ompletely around on his 'nees, .hite as a
sheet and 2ui$ering .ith rage" +arfy .in'ed en%ouragingly and /er'ed his
thum! !a%' to.ard M%;att .ith a humorous moue.
1;hat1s eating him"1 he as'ed .ith a laugh"
)ossarian .as stru%' .ith a .eird sense of distortion" 1;ill you get out of
here51 he yelped !esee%hingly, and sho$ed +arfy o$er .ith all his strength"
1+re you deaf or something5 6et !a%' in the planeB1 +nd to M%;att he
s%reamed, 1-i$eB Dive1
-o.n they san' on%e more into the %run%hing, thudding, $oluminous
!arrage of !ursting antiair%raft shells as +arfy %ame %reeping !a%' !ehind
)ossarian and /a!!ed him sharply in the ri!s again" )ossarian shied
up.ard .ith another .hinnying gasp"
1# still %ouldn1t hear you,1 +arfy said"
1# said get out of here1 )ossarian shouted, and !ro'e into tears" He !egan
pun%hing +arfy in the !ody .ith !oth hands as hard as he %ould"
16et a#ay from meB 6et a#ay1
Pun%hing +arfy .as li'e sin'ing his fists into a limp sa%' of inflated ru!!er"
There .as no resistan%e, no response at all from the soft, insensiti$e mass,
and after a .hile )ossarian1s spirit died and his arms dropped helplessly
.ith e4haustion" He .as o$er%ome .ith a humiliating feeling of impoten%e
and .as ready to .eep in self9pity"
1;hat did you say51 +arfy as'ed"
16et a#ay from me,1 )ossarian ans.ered, pleading .ith him no." 16o !a%'
in the plane"1
1# still %an1t hear you"1
1,e$er mind,1 .ailed )ossarian, 1ne$er mind" Just lea$e me alone"1
1,e$er mind .hat51
)ossarian !egan hitting himself in the forehead" He sei0ed +arfy !y the
shirt front and, struggling to his feet for tra%tion, dragged him to the rear of
the nose %ompartment and flung him do.n li'e a !loated and un.ieldy !ag
in the entran%e of the %ra.l.ay" + shell !anged open .ith a stupendous
%lout right !eside his ear as he .as s%ram!ling !a%' to.ard the front, and
some undestroyed re%ess of his intelligen%e .ondered that it did not 'ill
them all" They .ere %lim!ing again" The engines .ere ho.ling again as
though in pain, and the air inside the plane .as a%rid .ith the smell of
ma%hinery and fetid .ith the sten%h of gasoline" The ne4t thing he 'ne., it
#as sno#ing
Thousands of tiny !its of .hite paper .ere falling li'e sno.fla'es inside the
plane, milling around his head so thi%'ly that they %lung to his eyelashes
.hen he !lin'ed in astonishment and fluttered against his nostrils and lips
ea%h time he inhaled" ;hen he spun around in his !e.ilderment, +arfy .as
grinning proudly from ear to ear li'e something inhuman as he held up a
shattered paper map for )ossarian to see" + large %hun' of fla' had ripped
up from the floor through +arfy1s %olossal /um!le of maps and had ripped
out through the %eiling in%hes a.ay from their heads" +arfy1s /oy .as
su!lime"
1;ill you loo' at this51 he murmured, .aggling t.o of his stu!!y fingers
playfully into )ossarian1s fa%e through the hole in one of his maps" 1;ill you
loo' at this51
)ossarian .as dum!founded !y his state of rapturous %ontentment" +arfy
.as li'e an eerie ogre in a dream, in%apa!le of !eing !ruised or e$aded,
and )ossarian dreaded him for a %omple4 of reasons he .as too petrified to
untangle" ;ind .histling up through the /agged gash in the floor 'ept the
myriad !its of paper %ir%ulating li'e ala!aster parti%les in a paper.eight and
%ontri!uted to a sensation of la%2uered, .aterlogged unreality" $erything
seemed strange, so ta.dry and grotes2ue" His head .as thro!!ing from a
shrill %lamor that drilled relentlessly into !oth ears" #t .as M%;att, !egging
for dire%tions in an in%oherent fren0y" )ossarian %ontinued staring in
tormented fas%ination at +arfy1s spheri%al %ountenan%e !eaming at him so
serenely and $a%antly through the drifting .horls of .hite paper !its and
%on%luded that he .as a ra$ing lunati% /ust as eight !ursts of fla' !ro'e
open su%%essi$ely at eye le$el off to the right, then eight more, and then
eight more, the last group pulled o$er to.ard the left so that they .ere
almost dire%tly in front"
1Turn left hardB1 he hollered to M%;att, as +arfy 'ept grinning, and M%;att
did turn left hard, !ut the fla' turned left hard .ith them, %at%hing up fast,
and )ossarian hollered, 1# said hard, hard, hard, hard, you bastard, hard1
+nd M%;att !ent the plane around e$en harder still, and suddenly,
mira%ulously, they .ere out of range" The fla' ended" The guns stopped
!ooming at them" +nd they .ere ali$e"
3ehind him, men .ere dying" Strung out for miles in a stri%'en, tortuous,
s2uirming line, the other flights of planes .ere ma'ing the same ha0ardous
/ourney o$er the target, threading their s.ift .ay through the s.ollen
masses of ne. and old !ursts of fla' li'e rats ra%ing in a pa%' through their
o.n droppings" (ne .as on fire, and flapped lamely off !y itself, !illo.ing
giganti%ally li'e a monstrous !lood9red star" +s )ossarian .at%hed, the
!urning plane floated o$er on its side and !egan spiraling do.n slo.ly in
.ide, tremulous, narro.ing %ir%les, its huge flaming !urden !la0ing orange
and flaring out in !a%' li'e a long, s.irling %ape of fire and smo'e" There
.ere para%hutes, one, t.o, three? four, and then the plane gyrated into a
spin and fell the rest of the .ay to the ground, fluttering insensi!ly inside its
$i$id pyre li'e a shred of %olored tissue paper" (ne .hole flight of planes
from another s2uadron had !een !lasted apart"
)ossarian sighed !arrenly, his day1s .or' done" He .as listless and sti%'y"
The engines %rooned mellifluously as M%;att throttled !a%' to loiter and
allo. the rest of the planes in his flight to %at%h up" The a!rupt stillness
seemed alien and artifi%ial, a little insidious" )ossarian unsnapped his fla'
suit and too' off his helmet" He sighed again, restlessly, and %losed his
eyes and tried to rela4"
1;here1s (rr51 someone as'ed suddenly o$er his inter%om"
)ossarian !ounded up .ith a one9sylla!le %ry that %ra%'led .ith an4iety and
pro$ided the only rational e4planation for the .hole mysterious
phenomenon of the fla' at 3ologna@ (rr He lunged for.ard o$er the
!om!sight to sear%h do.n.ard through the ple4iglass for some reassuring
sign of (rr, .ho dre. fla' li'e a magnet and .ho had undou!tedly attra%ted
the %ra%' !atteries of the .hole Hermann 6oering -i$ision to 3ologna
o$ernight from .here$er the hell they had !een stationed the day !efore
.hen (rr .as still in *ome" +arfy laun%hed himself for.ard an instant later
and %ra%'ed )ossarian on the !ridge of the nose .ith the sharp rim of his
fla' helmet" )ossarian %ursed him as his eyes flooded .ith tears"
1There he is,1 +arfy orated funereally, pointing do.n dramati%ally at a hay
.agon and t.o horses standing !efore the !arn of a gray stone farmhouse"
1Smashed to !its" # guess their num!ers .ere all up"1
)ossarian s.ore at +arfy again and %ontinued sear%hing intently, %old .ith
a %ompassionate 'ind of fear no. for the little !oun%y and !i0arre !u%'9
toothed tentmate .ho had smashed +pple!y1s forehead open .ith a ping9
pong ra%'et and .ho .as s%aring the daylights out of )ossarian on%e
again" +t last )ossarian spotted the t.o9engined, t.in9ruddered plane as it
fle. out of the green !a%'ground of the forests o$er a field of yello.
farmland" (ne of the propellers .as feathered and perfe%tly still, !ut the
plane .as maintaining altitude and holding a proper %ourse" )ossarian
muttered an un%ons%ious prayer of than'fulness and then flared up at (rr
sa$agely in a ranting fusion of resentment and relief"
1That !astardB1 he !egan" 1That goddam stunted, red9fa%ed, !ig9%hee'ed,
%urly9headed, !u%'9toothed rat !astard son of a !it%hB1
1;hat51 said +arfy"
1That dirty goddam midget9assed, apple9%hee'ed, goggle9eyed, undersi0ed,
!u%'9toothed, grinning, %ra0y sonofa!it%hin9!astardB1 )ossarian sputtered"
1;hat51
1)ever mind1
1# still %an1t hear you,1 +arfy ans.ered"
)ossarian s.ung himself around methodi%ally to fa%e +arfy" 1)ou pri%',1 he
!egan"
1Me51
1)ou pompous, rotund, neigh!orly, $a%uous, %ompla%ent?1
+arfy .as unpertur!ed" Calmly he stru%' a .ooden mat%h and su%'ed
noisily at his pipe .ith an elo2uent air of !enign and magnanimous
forgi$eness" He smiled so%ia!ly and opened his mouth to spea'" )ossarian
put his hand o$er +arfy1s mouth and pushed him a.ay .earily" He shut his
eyes and pretended to sleep all the .ay !a%' to the field so that he .ould
not ha$e to listen to +arfy or see him"
+t the !riefing room )ossarian made his intelligen%e report to Captain 3la%'
and then .aited in muttering suspense .ith all the others until (rr %hugged
into sight o$erhead finally .ith his one good engine still 'eeping him aloft
gamely" ,o!ody !reathed" (rr1s landing gear .ould not %ome do.n"
)ossarian hung around only until (rr had %rash9landed safely, and then
stole the first /eep he %ould find .ith a 'ey in the ignition and ra%ed !a%' to
his tent to !egin pa%'ing fe$erishly for the emergen%y rest lea$e he had
de%ided to ta'e in *ome, .here he found &u%iana and her in$isi!le s%ar
that same night"
Luciana
He found &u%iana sitting alone at a ta!le in the +llied offi%ers1 night %lu!,
.here the drun'en +n0a% ma/or .ho had !rought her there had !een stupid
enough to desert her for the ri!ald %ompany of some singing %omrades at
the !ar"
1+ll right, #1ll dan%e .ith you,1 she said, !efore )ossarian %ould e$en spea'"
13ut # .on1t let you sleep .ith me"1
1;ho as'ed you51 )ossarian as'ed her"
1)ou don1t .ant to sleep .ith me51 she e4%laimed .ith surprise"
1# don1t .ant to dan%e .ith you"1
She sei0ed )ossarian1s hand and pulled him out on the dan%e floor" She
.as a .orse dan%er than e$en he .as, !ut she thre. herself a!out to the
syntheti% /itter!ug musi% .ith more uninhi!ited pleasure than he had e$er
o!ser$ed until he felt his legs falling asleep .ith !oredom and yan'ed her
off the dan%e floor to.ard the ta!le at .hi%h the girl he should ha$e !een
s%re.ing .as still sitting tipsily .ith one hand around +arfy1s ne%', her
orange satin !louse still hanging open slo$enly !elo. her full .hite la%y
!rassiMre as she made dirty se4 tal' ostentatiously .ith Huple, (rr, >id
Sampson and Hungry Joe" Just as he rea%hed them, &u%iana ga$e him a
for%eful, une4pe%ted sho$e that %arried them !oth .ell !eyond the ta!le, so
that they .ere still alone" She .as a tall, earthy, e4u!erant girl .ith long
hair and a pretty fa%e, a !u4om, delightful, flirtatious girl"
1+ll right,1 she said, 1# .ill let you !uy me dinner" 3ut # .on1t let you sleep
.ith me"1
1;ho as'ed you51 )ossarian as'ed .ith surprise"
1)ou don1t .ant to sleep .ith me51
1# don1t .ant to !uy you dinner"1
She pulled him out of the night %lu! into the street and do.n a flight of steps
into a !la%'9mar'et restaurant filled .ith li$ely, %hirping, attra%ti$e girls .ho
all seemed to 'no. ea%h other and .ith the self9%ons%ious military offi%ers
from different %ountries .ho had %ome there .ith them" The food .as
elegant and e4pensi$e, and the aisles .ere o$erflo.ing .ith great streams
of flushed and merry proprietors, all stout and !alding" The !ustling interior
radiated .ith enormous, engulfing .a$es of fun and .armth"
)ossarian got a tremendous 'i%' out of the rude gusto .ith .hi%h &u%iana
ignored him %ompletely .hile she sho$eled a.ay her .hole meal .ith !oth
hands" She ate li'e a horse until the last plate .as %lean, and then she
pla%ed her sil$er.are do.n .ith an air of %on%lusion and settled !a%' la0ily
in her %hair .ith a dreamy and %ongested loo' of sated gluttony" She dre.
a deep, smiling, %ontented !reath and regarded him amorously .ith a
melting ga0e"
1('ay, Joe,1 she purred, her glo.ing dar' eyes dro.sy and grateful" 1,o. #
.ill let you sleep .ith me"1
1My name is )ossarian"1
1('ay, )ossarian,1 she ans.ered .ith a soft repentant laugh" 1,o. # .ill let
you sleep .ith me"1
1;ho as'ed you51 said )ossarian"
&u%iana .as stunned" 1)ou don1t .ant to sleep .ith me51
)ossarian nodded emphati%ally, laughing, and shot his hand up under her
dress" The girl %ame to life .ith a horrified start" She /er'ed her legs a.ay
from him instantly, .hipping her !ottom around" 3lushing .ith alarm and
em!arrassment, she pushed her s'irt !a%' do.n .ith a num!er of prim,
sidelong glan%es a!out the restaurant"
1,o. # .ill let you sleep .ith me,1 she e4plained %autiously in a manner of
apprehensi$e indulgen%e" 13ut not no."1
1# 'no." ;hen .e get !a%' to my room"1
The girl shoo' her head, eyeing him mistrustfully and 'eeping her 'nees
pressed together" 1,o, no. # must go home to my mamma, !e%ause my
mamma does not li'e me to dan%e .ith soldiers or let them ta'e me to
dinner, and she .ill !e $ery angry .ith me if # do not %ome home no." 3ut #
.ill let you .rite do.n for me .here you li$e" +nd tomorro. morning # .ill
%ome to your room for fi%'y9fi%' !efore # go to my .or' at the 7ren%h
offi%e" 'apisci"1
13ullshitB1 )ossarian e4%laimed .ith angry disappointment"
1'osa vuol dire !ullshit51 &u%iana in2uired .ith a !lan' loo'"
)ossarian !ro'e into loud laughter" He ans.ered her finally in a tone of
sympatheti% good humor" 1#t means that # .ant to es%ort you no. to
.here$er the hell # ha$e to ta'e you ne4t so that # %an rush !a%' to that
night %lu! !efore +arfy lea$es .ith that .onderful tomato he1s got .ithout
gi$ing me a %han%e to as' a!out an aunt or friend she must ha$e .ho1s /ust
li'e her"1
1'ome"1
1Subito, subito,1 he taunted her tenderly" 1Mamma is .aiting" *emem!er51
1Si, si. Mamma"1
)ossarian let the girl drag him through the lo$ely *oman spring night for
almost a mile until they rea%hed a %haoti% !us depot hon'ing .ith horns,
!la0ing .ith red and yello. lights and e%hoing .ith the snarling
$ituperations of unsha$en !us dri$ers pouring loathsome, hair9raising
%urses out at ea%h other, at their passengers and at the strolling,
un%on%erned 'nots of pedestrians %logging their paths, .ho ignored them
until they .ere !umped !y the !uses and !egan shouting %urses !a%'"
&u%iana $anished a!oard one of the diminuti$e green $ehi%les, and
)ossarian hurried as fast as he %ould all the .ay !a%' to the %a!aret and
the !leary9eyed !lea%hed !londe in the open orange satin !louse" She
seemed infatuated .ith +arfy, !ut he prayed intensely for her lus%ious aunt
as he ran, or for a lus%ious girl friend, sister, %ousin, or mother .ho .as /ust
as li!idinous and depra$ed" She .ould ha$e !een perfe%t for )ossarian, a
de!au%hed, %oarse, $ulgar, amoral, appeti0ing slattern .hom he had
longed for and idoli0ed for months" She .as a real find" She paid for her
o.n drin's, and she had an automo!ile, an apartment and a salmon9
%olored %ameo ring that dro$e Hungry Joe %lean out of his senses .ith its
e42uisitely %ar$ed figures of a na'ed !oy and girl on a ro%'" Hungry Joe
snorted and pran%ed and pa.ed at the floor in sali$ating lust and gro$eling
need, !ut the girl .ould not sell him the ring, e$en though he offered her all
the money in all their po%'ets and his %ompli%ated !la%' %amera thro.n in"
She .as not interested in money or %ameras" She .as interested in
forni%ation"
She .as gone .hen )ossarian got there" They .ere all gone, and he
.al'ed right out and mo$ed in .istful de/e%tion through the dar', emptying
streets" )ossarian .as not often lonely .hen he .as !y himself, !ut he .as
lonely no. in his 'een en$y of +arfy, .ho he 'ne. .as in !ed that $ery
moment .ith the girl .ho .as /ust right for )ossarian, and .ho %ould also
ma'e out any time he .anted to, if he e$er .anted to, .ith either or !oth of
the t.o slender, stunning, aristo%rati% .omen .ho li$ed in the apartment
upstairs and fru%tified )ossarian1s se4 fantasies .hene$er he had se4
fantasies, the !eautiful ri%h !la%'9haired %ountess .ith the red, .et, ner$ous
lips and her !eautiful ri%h !la%'9haired daughter9in9la." )ossarian .as
madly in lo$e .ith all of them as he made his .ay !a%' to the offi%ers1
apartment, in lo$e .ith &u%iana, .ith the prurient into4i%ated girl in the
un!uttoned satin !louse, and .ith the !eautiful ri%h %ountess and her
!eautiful ri%h daughter9in9la., !oth of .hom .ould ne$er let him tou%h them
or e$en flirt .ith them" They doted 'ittenishly on ,ately and deferred
passi$ely to +arfy, !ut they thought )ossarian .as %ra0y and re%oiled from
him .ith distasteful %ontempt ea%h time he made an inde%ent proposal or
tried to fondle them .hen they passed on the stairs" They .ere !oth super!
%reatures .ith pulpy, !right, pointed tongues and mouths li'e round .arm
plums, a little s.eet and sti%'y, a little rotten" They had %lassA )ossarian
.as not sure .hat %lass .as, !ut he 'ne. that they had it and he did not,
and that they 'ne. it, too" He %ould pi%ture, as he .al'ed, the 'ind of
under%lothing they .ore against their s$elte feminine parts, filmy, smooth,
%linging garments of deepest !la%' or of opales%ent pastel radian%e .ith
flo.ering la%e !orders fragrant .ith the tantali0ing fumes of pampered flesh
and s%ented !ath salts rising in a germinating %loud from their !lue9.hite
!reasts" He .ished again that he .as .here +arfy .as, ma'ing o!s%ene,
!rutal, %heerful lo$e .ith a /ui%y drun'en tart .ho didn1t gi$e a tin'er1s dam
a!out him and .ould ne$er thin' of him again"
3ut +arfy .as already !a%' in the apartment .hen )ossarian arri$ed, and
)ossarian gaped at him .ith that same sense of perse%uted astonishment
he had suffered that same morning o$er 3ologna at his malign and
%a!alisti% and irremo$a!le presen%e in the nose of the plane"
1;hat are you doing here51 he as'ed"
1That1s right, as' himB1 Hungry Joe e4%laimed in a rage" 1Ma'e him tell you
.hat he1s doing hereB1
;ith a long, theatri%al moan, >id Sampson made a pistol of his thum! and
forefinger and !le. his o.n !rains out" Huple, %he.ing a.ay on a !ulging
.ad of !u!!le gum, dran' e$erything in .ith a %allo., $a%ant e4pression on
his fifteen9year old fa%e" +arfy .as tapping the !o.l of his pipe against his
palm leisurely as he pa%ed !a%' and forth in %orpulent self9appro$al,
o!$iously delighted !y the stir he .as %ausing"
1-idn1t you go home .ith that girl51 )ossarian demanded"
1(h, sure, # .ent home .ith her,1 +arfy replied" 1)ou didn1t thin' # .as going
to let her try to find her .ay home alone, did you51
1;ouldn1t she let you stay .ith her51
1(h, she .anted me to stay .ith her, all right"1 +arfy %hu%'led" 1-on1t you
.orry a!out good old +arfy" 3ut # .asn1t going to ta'e ad$antage of a s.eet
'id li'e that /ust !e%ause she1d had a little too mu%h to drin'" ;hat 'ind of a
guy do you thin' # am51
1;ho said anything a!out ta'ing ad$antage of her51 )ossarian railed at him
in ama0ement" 1+ll she .anted to do .as get into !ed .ith someone" That1s
the only thing she 'ept tal'ing a!out all night long"1
1That1s !e%ause she .as a little mi4ed up,1 +arfy e4plained" 13ut # ga$e her a
little tal'ing to and really put some sense into her"1
1)ou !astardB1 )ossarian e4%laimed, and san' do.n tiredly on the di$an
!eside >id Sampson" 1;hy the hell didn1t you gi$e her to one of us if you
didn1t .ant her51
1)ou see51 Hungry Joe as'ed" 1There1s something .rong .ith him"1
)ossarian nodded and loo'ed at +arfy %uriously" 1+arfy, tell me something"
-on1t you e$er s%re. any of them51
+arfy %hu%'led again .ith %on%eited amusement" 1(h sure, # prod them"
-on1t you .orry a!out me" 3ut ne$er any ni%e girls" # 'no. .hat 'ind of girls
to prod and .hat 'ind of girls not to prod, and # ne$er prod any ni%e girls"
This one .as a s.eet 'id" )ou %ould see her family had money" ;hy, #
e$en got her to thro. that ring of hers a.ay right out the %ar .indo."1
Hungry Joe fle. into the air .ith a s%ree%h of intolera!le pain" 1)ou
did #hat"1 he s%reamed" 1)ou did #hat51 He !egan .haling a.ay at +arfy1s
shoulders and arms .ith !oth fists, almost in tears" 1# ought to kill you for
.hat you did, you lousy !astard" He1s sinful, that1s .hat he is" He1s got a
dirty mind, ain1t he5 +in1t he got a dirty mind51
1The dirtiest,1 )ossarian agreed"
1;hat are you fello.s tal'ing a!out51 +arfy as'ed .ith genuine pu00lement,
tu%'ing his fa%e a.ay prote%ti$ely inside the %ushioning insulation of his
o$al shoulders" 1+., %ome on, Joe,1 he pleaded .ith a smile of mild
dis%omfort" 1Huit pun%hing me, .ill you51
3ut Hungry Joe .ould not 2uit pun%hing until )ossarian pi%'ed him up and
pushed him a.ay to.ard his !edroom" )ossarian mo$ed listlessly into his
o.n room, undressed and .ent to sleep" + se%ond later it .as morning,
and someone .as sha'ing him"
1;hat are you .a'ing me up for51 he .himpered"
#t .as Mi%haela, the s'inny maid .ith the merry disposition and homely
sallo. fa%e, and she .as .a'ing him up !e%ause he had a $isitor .aiting
/ust outside the door"Luciana He %ould hardly !elie$e it" +nd she .as alone
in the room .ith him after Mi%haela had departed, lo$ely, hale and
statues2ue, steaming and rippling .ith an irrepressi!le affe%tionate $itality
e$en as she remained in one pla%e and fro.ned at him irately" She stood
li'e a youthful female %olossus .ith her magnifi%ent %olumnar legs apart on
high .hite shoes .ith .edged heels, .earing a pretty green dress and
s.inging a large, flat .hite leather po%'et!oo', .ith .hi%h she %ra%'ed him
hard a%ross the fa%e .hen he leaped out of !ed to gra! her" )ossarian
staggered !a%'.ard out of range in a da0e, %lut%hing his stinging %hee'
.ith !e.ilderment"
1PigB1 She spat out at him $i%iously, her nostrils flaring in a loo' of sa$age
disdain" 1*ive com' un animale1
;ith a fier%e, guttural, s%ornful, disgusted oath, she strode a%ross the room
and thre. open the three tall %asement .indo.s, letting inside an effulgent
flood of sunlight and %risp fresh air that .ashed through the stuffy room li'e
an in$igorating toni%" She pla%ed her po%'et!oo' on a %hair and !egan
tidying the room, pi%'ing his things up from the floor and off the tops of the
furniture, thro.ing his so%'s, hand'er%hief and under.ear into an empty
dra.er of the dresser and hanging his shirt and trousers up in the %loset"
)ossarian ran out of the !edroom into the !athroom and !rushed his teeth"
He .ashed his hands and fa%e and %om!ed his hair" ;hen he ran !a%', the
room .as in order and &u%iana .as almost undressed" Her e4pression .as
rela4ed" She left her earrings on the dresser and padded !arefoot to the
!ed .earing /ust a pin' rayon %hemise that %ame do.n to her hips" She
glan%ed a!out the room prudently to ma'e %ertain there .as nothing she
had o$erloo'ed in the .ay of neatness and then dre. !a%' the %o$erlet and
stret%hed herself out lu4uriously .ith an e4pression of feline e4pe%tation"
She !e%'oned to him longingly, .ith a hus'y laugh"
1,o.,1 she announ%ed in a .hisper, holding !oth arms out to him eagerly"
1,o. # .ill let you sleep .ith me"1
She told him some lies a!out a single .ee'end in !ed .ith a slaughtered
fian%J in the #talian +rmy, and they all turned out to !e true, for she %ried,
1finito1 almost as soon as he started and .ondered .hy he didn1t stop, until
he had finitoed too and e4plained to her"
He lit %igarettes for !oth of them" She .as en%hanted !y the deep suntan
%o$ering his .hole !ody" He .ondered a!out the pin' %hemise that she
.ould not remo$e" #t .as %ut li'e a man1s undershirt, .ith narro. shoulder
straps, and %on%ealed the in$isi!le s%ar on her !a%' that she refused to let
him see after he had made her tell him it .as there" She gre. tense as fine
steel .hen he tra%ed the mutilated %ontours .ith his fingertip from a pit in
her shoulder !lade almost to the !ase of her spine" He .in%ed at the many
tortured nights she had spent in the hospital, drugged or in pain, .ith the
u!i2uitous, ineradi%a!le odors of ether, fe%al matter and disinfe%tant, of
human flesh mortified and de%aying amid the .hite uniforms, the
ru!!ersoled shoes, and the eerie night lights glo.ing dimly until da.n in the
%orridors" She had !een .ounded in an air raid"
1Dove"1 he as'ed, and he held his !reath in suspense"
1)apoli"1
1+ermans"1
1%mericani"1
His heart %ra%'ed, and he fell in lo$e" He .ondered if she .ould marry him"
1,u sei pa--o,1 she told him .ith a pleasant laugh"
1;hy am # %ra0y51 he as'ed"
1.erch/ non posso sposare"1
1;hy %an1t you get married51
13e%ause # am not a $irgin,1 she ans.ered"
1;hat has that got to do .ith it51
1;ho .ill marry me5 ,o one .ants a girl .ho is not a $irgin"1
1# .ill" #1ll marry you"1
1Ma non posso sposarti"1
1;hy %an1t you marry me51
1.erch/ sei pa--o"1
1;hy am # %ra0y51
1.erch/ vuoi sposarmi"1
)ossarian .rin'led his forehead .ith 2ui00i%al amusement" 1)ou .on1t
marry me !e%ause #1m %ra0y, and you say #1m %ra0y !e%ause # .ant to
marry you5 #s that right51
1Si"1
1,u sei pa--'1 he told her loudly"
1.erch/"1 she shouted !a%' at him indignantly, her una$oida!le round
!reasts rising and falling in a sau%y huff !eneath the pin' %hemise as she
sat up in !ed indignantly" 1;hy am # %ra0y51
13e%ause you .on1t marry me"1
1Stupido1 she shouted !a%' at him, and sma%'ed him loudly and
flam!oyantly on the %hest .ith the !a%' of her hand" 1)on posso sposarti
)on capisci" )on posso sposarti.1
1(h, sure, # understand" +nd .hy %an1t you marry me51
1.erch/ sei pa--o1
1+nd .hy am # %ra0y51
1.erch/ vuoi sposarmi"1
13e%ause # .ant to marry you" 'arina, ti amo,1 he e4plained, and he dre.
her gently !a%' do.n to the pillo." 1,i amo molto"1
1,u sei pa--o,1 she murmured in reply, flattered"
1.erch/"1
13e%ause you say you lo$e me" Ho. %an you lo$e a girl .ho is not a $irgin51
13e%ause # %an1t marry you"1
She !olted right up again in a threatening rage" 1;hy %an1t you marry me51
she demanded, ready to %lout him again if he ga$e an un%omplimentary
reply" 1Just !e%ause # am not a $irgin51
1,o, no, darling" 3e%ause you1re %ra0y"1
She stared at him in !lan' resentment for a moment and then tossed her
head !a%' and roared appre%iati$ely .ith hearty laughter" She ga0ed at him
.ith ne. appro$al .hen she stopped, the lush, responsi$e tissues of her
dar' fa%e turning dar'er still and !looming somnolently .ith a s.elling and
!eautifying infusion of !lood" Her eyes gre. dim" He %rushed out !oth their
%igarettes, and they turned into ea%h other .ordlessly in an engrossing 'iss
/ust as Hungry Joe %ame meandering into the room .ithout 'no%'ing to as'
if )ossarian .anted to go out .ith him to loo' for girls" Hungry Joe stopped
on a dime .hen he sa. them and shot out of the room" )ossarian shot out
of !ed e$en faster and !egan shouting at &u%iana to get dressed" The girl
.as dum!founded" He pulled her roughly out of !ed !y her arm and flung
her a.ay to.ard her %lothing, then ra%ed for the door in time to slam it shut
as Hungry Joe .as running !a%' in .ith his %amera" Hungry Joe had his leg
.edged in the door and .ould not pull it out"
1&et me inB1 he !egged urgently, .riggling and s2uirming mania%ally" 1&et me
inB1 He stopped struggling for a moment to ga0e up into )ossarian1s fa%e
through the %ra%' in the door .ith .hat he must ha$e supposed .as a
!eguiling smile" 1Me no Hungry Joe,1 he e4plained earnestly" 1Me heap !ig
photographer from Life maga0ine" Heap !ig pi%ture on heap !ig %o$er" #
ma'e you !ig Holly.ood star, )ossarian" Multi dinero" Multi di$or%es" Multi
fi%'y9fi% all day long" Si, si, si1
)ossarian slammed the door shut .hen Hungry Joe stepped !a%' a !it to
try to shoot a pi%ture of &u%iana dressing" Hungry Joe atta%'ed the stout
.ooden !arrier fanati%ally, fell !a%' to reorgani0e his energies and hurled
himself for.ard fanati%ally again" )ossarian slithered into his o.n %lothes
!et.een assaults" &u%iana had her green9and9.hite summer dress on and
.as holding the s'irt !un%hed up a!o$e her .aist" + .a$e of misery !ro'e
o$er him as he sa. her a!out to $anish inside her panties fore$er" He
rea%hed out to grasp her and dre. her to him !y the raised %alf of her leg"
She hopped for.ard and molded herself against him" )ossarian 'issed her
ears and her %losed eyes romanti%ally and ru!!ed the !a%'s of her thighs"
She !egan to hum sensually a moment !efore Hungry Joe hurled his frail
!ody against the door in still one more desperate atta%' and almost
'no%'ed them !oth do.n" )ossarian pushed her a.ay"
1*ite *ite1 he s%olded her" 16et your things onB1
1;hat the hell are you tal'ing a!out51 she .anted to 'no."
17astB 7astB Can1t you understand nglish5 6et your %lothes on fastB1
1Stupido1 she snarled !a%' at him" 1*ite is 7ren%h, not #talian" Subito,
subito That1s .hat you mean" Subito1
1Si, si" That1s .hat # mean" Subito, subito1
1Si, si,1 she responded %o9operati$ely, and ran for her shoes and earrings"
Hungry Joe had paused in his atta%' to shoot pi%tures through the %losed
door" )ossarian %ould hear the %amera shutter %li%'ing" ;hen !oth he and
&u%iana .ere ready, )ossarian .aited for Hungry Joe1s ne4t %harge and
yan'ed the door open on him une4pe%tedly" Hungry Joe spilled for.ard into
the room li'e a floundering frog" )ossarian s'ipped nim!ly around him,
guiding &u%iana along !ehind him through the apartment and out into the
hall.ay" They !oun%ed do.n the stairs .ith a great roistering %latter,
laughing out loud !reathlessly and 'no%'ing their hilarious heads together
ea%h time they paused to rest" ,ear the !ottom they met ,ately %oming up
and stopped laughing" ,ately .as dra.n, dirty and unhappy" His tie .as
t.isted and his shirt .as rumpled, and he .al'ed .ith his hands in his
po%'ets" He .ore a hangdog, hopeless loo'"
1;hat1s the matter, 'id51 )ossarian in2uired %ompassionately"
1#1m flat !ro'e again,1 ,ately replied .ith a lame and distra%ted smile" 1;hat
am # going to do51
)ossarian didn1t 'no." ,ately had spent the last thirty9t.o hours at t.enty
dollars an hour .ith the apatheti% .hore he adored, and he had nothing left
of his pay or of the lu%rati$e allo.an%e he re%ei$ed e$ery month from his
.ealthy and generous father" That meant he %ould not spend time .ith her
any more" She .ould not allo. him to .al' !eside her as she strolled the
pa$ements soli%iting other ser$i%emen, and she .as infuriated .hen she
spied him trailing her from a distan%e" He .as free to hang around her
apartment if he %ared to, !ut there .as no %ertainty that she .ould !e there"
+nd she .ould gi$e him nothing unless he %ould pay" She found se4
uninteresting" ,ately .anted the assuran%e that she .as not going to !ed
.ith anyone unsa$ory or .ith someone he 'ne." Captain 3la%' al.ays
made it a point to !uy her ea%h time he %ame to *ome, /ust so he %ould
torment ,ately .ith the ne.s that he had thro.n his s.eetheart another
hump and .at%h ,ately eat his li$er as he related the atro%ious indignities
to .hi%h he had for%ed her to su!mit"
&u%iana .as tou%hed !y ,ately1s forlorn air, !ut !ro'e loudly into ro!ust
laughter again the moment she stepped outside into the sunny street .ith
)ossarian and heard Hungry Joe !esee%hing them from the .indo. to
%ome !a%' and ta'e their %lothes off, !e%ause he really .as a photographer
from Life maga0ine" &u%iana fled mirthfully along the side.al' in her high
.hite .edgies, pulling )ossarian along in to. .ith the same lusty and
ingenuous 0eal she had displayed in the dan%e hall the night !efore and at
e$ery moment sin%e" )ossarian %aught up and .al'ed .ith his arm around
her .aist until they %ame to the %orner and she stepped a.ay from him"
She straightened her hair in a mirror from her po%'et!oo' and put lipsti%'
on"
1;hy don1t you as' me to let you .rite my name and address on a pie%e of
paper so that you .ill !e a!le to find me again .hen you %ome to *ome51
she suggested"
1;hy don1t you let me .rite your name and address do.n on a pie%e of
paper51 he agreed"
1;hy51 she demanded !elligerently, her mouth %urling suddenly into a
$ehement sneer and her eyes flashing .ith anger" 1So you %an tear it up
into little pie%es as soon as # lea$e51
1;ho1s going to tear it up51 )ossarian protested in %onfusion" 1;hat the hell
are you tal'ing a!out51
1)ou .ill,1 she insisted" 1)ou1ll tear it up into little pie%es the minute #1m gone
and go .al'ing a.ay li'e a !ig shot !e%ause a tall, young, !eautiful girl li'e
me, &u%iana, let you sleep .ith her and did not as' you for money"1
1Ho. mu%h money are you as'ing me for51 he as'ed her"
1Stupido1 she shouted .ith emotion" 1# am not as'ing you for any moneyB1
She stamped her foot and raised her arm in a tur!ulent gesture that made
)ossarian fear she .as going to %ra%' him in the fa%e again .ith her great
po%'et!oo'" #nstead, she s%ri!!led her name and address on a slip of
paper and" thrust it at him" 1Here,1 she taunted him sardoni%ally, !iting on
her lip to still a deli%ate tremor" 1-on1t forget" -on1t forget to tear it into tiny
pie%es as soon as # am gone"1
Then she smiled at him serenely, s2uee0ed his hand and, .ith a .hispered
regretful '%ddio,' pressed herself against him for a moment and then
straightened and .al'ed a.ay .ith un%ons%ious dignity and gra%e"
The minute she .as gone, )ossarian tore the slip of paper up and .al'ed
a.ay in the other dire%tion, feeling $ery mu%h li'e a !ig shot !e%ause a
!eautiful young girl li'e &u%iana had slept .ith him and did not as' for
money" He .as pretty pleased .ith himself until he loo'ed up in the dining
room of the *ed Cross !uilding and found himself eating !rea'fast .ith
do0ens and do0ens of other ser$i%emen in all 'inds of fantasti% uniforms,
and then all at on%e he .as surrounded !y images of &u%iana getting out of
her %lothes and into her %lothes and %aressing and haranguing him
tempestuously in the pin' rayon %hemise she .ore in !ed .ith him and
.ould not ta'e off" )ossarian %ho'ed on his toast and eggs at the enormity
of his error in tearing her long, lithe, nude, young $i!rant lim!s into any
pie%es of paper so impudently and dumping her do.n so smugly into the
gutter from the %ur!" He missed her terri!ly already" There .ere so many
strident fa%eless people in uniform in the dining room .ith him" He felt an
urgent desire to !e alone .ith her again soon and sprang up impetuously
from his ta!le and .ent running outside and !a%' do.n the street to.ard
the apartment in sear%h of the tiny !its of paper in the gutter, !ut they had
all !een flushed a.ay !y a street %leaner1s hose"
He %ouldn1t find her again in the +llied offi%ers1 night %lu! that e$ening or in
the s.eltering, !urnished, hedonisti% !edlam of the !la%'9mar'et restaurant
.ith its $ast !o!!ing .ooden trays of elegant food and its %hirping flo%' of
!right and lo$ely girls" He %ouldn1t e$en find the restaurant" ;hen he .ent
to !ed alone, he dodged fla' o$er 3ologna again in a dream, .ith +arfy
hanging o$er his shoulder a!omina!ly in the plane .ith a !loated sordid
leer" #n the morning he ran loo'ing for &u%iana in all the 7ren%h offi%es he
%ould find, !ut no!ody 'ne. .hat he .as tal'ing a!out, and then he ran in
terror, so /umpy, distraught and disorgani0ed that he /ust had to 'eep
running in terror some.here, to the enlisted men1s apartment for the s2uat
maid in the lime9%olored panties, .hom he found dusting in Sno.den1s
room on the fifth floor in her dra! !ro.n s.eater and hea$y dar' s'irt"
Sno.den .as still ali$e then, and )ossarian %ould tell it .as Sno.den1s
room from the name sten%iled in .hite on the !lue duffel !ag he tripped
o$er as he plunged through the door.ay at her in a fren0y of %reati$e
desperation" The .oman %aught him !y the .rists !efore he %ould fall as he
%ame stum!ling to.ard her in need and pulled him along do.n on top of
her as she flopped o$er !a%'.ard onto the !ed and en$eloped him
hospita!ly in her fla%%id and %onsoling em!ra%e, her dust mop aloft in her
hand li'e a !anner as her !road, !rutish %ongenial fa%e ga0ed up at him
fondly .ith a smile of unper/ured friendship" There .as a sharp elasti% snap
as she rolled the lime9%olored panties off !eneath them !oth .ithout
distur!ing him"
He stuffed money into her hand .hen they .ere finished" She hugged him
in gratitude" He hugged her" She hugged him !a%' and then pulled him
do.n on top of her on the !ed again" He stuffed more money into her hand
.hen they .ere finished this time and ran out of the room !efore she %ould
!egin hugging him in gratitude again" 3a%' at his o.n apartment, he thre.
his things together as fast as he %ould, left for ,ately .hat money he had,
and ran !a%' to Pianosa on a supply plane to apologi0e to Hungry Joe for
shutting him out of the !edroom" The apology .as unne%essary, for Hungry
Joe .as in high spirits .hen )ossarian found him" Hungry Joe .as grinning
from ear to ear, and )ossarian turned si%' at the sight of him, for he
understood instantly .hat the high spirits meant"
17orty missions,1 Hungry Joe announ%ed readily in a $oi%e lyri%al .ith relief
and elation" 1The %olonel raised them again"1
)ossarian .as stunned" 13ut #1$e got thirty9t.o, goddammitB Three more and
# .ould ha$e !een through"1
Hungry Joe shrugged indifferently" 1The %olonel .ants forty missions,1 he
repeated"
)ossarian sho$ed him out of the .ay and ran right into the hospital"
The Sol$ier in White
)ossarian ran right into the hospital, determined to remain there fore$er
rather than fly one mission more than the thirty9t.o missions he had" Ten
days after he %hanged his mind and %ame out, the %olonel raised the
missions to forty9fi$e and )ossarian ran right !a%' in, determined to remain
in the hospital fore$er rather than fly one mission more than the si4
missions more he had /ust flo.n"
)ossarian %ould run into the hospital .hene$er he .anted to !e%ause of his
li$er and !e%ause of his eyesA the do%tors %ouldn1t fi4 his li$er %ondition and
%ouldn1t meet his eyes ea%h time he told them he had a li$er %ondition" He
%ould en/oy himself in the hospital, /ust as long as there .as no one really
$ery si%' in the same .ard" His system .as sturdy enough to sur$i$e a
%ase of someone else1s malaria or influen0a .ith s%ar%ely any dis%omfort at
all" He %ould %ome through other people1s tonsille%tomies .ithout suffering
any postoperati$e distress, and e$en endure their hernias and hemorrhoids
.ith only mild nausea and re$ulsion" 3ut that .as /ust a!out as mu%h as he
%ould go through .ithout getting si%'" +fter that he .as ready to !olt" He
%ould rela4 in the hospital, sin%e no one there e4pe%ted him to do anything"
+ll he .as e4pe%ted to do in the hospital .as die or get !etter, and sin%e he
.as perfe%tly all right to !egin .ith, getting !etter .as easy"
3eing in the hospital .as !etter than !eing o$er 3ologna or flying o$er
+$ignon .ith Huple and -o!!s at the %ontrols and Sno.den dying in !a%'"
There .ere usually not nearly as many si%' people inside the hospital as
)ossarian sa. outside the hospital, and there .ere generally fe.er people
inside the hospital .ho .ere seriously si%'" There .as a mu%h lo.er death
rate inside the hospital than outside the hospital, and a mu%h healthier
death rate" 7e. people died unne%essarily" People 'ne. a lot more a!out
dying inside the hospital and made a mu%h neater, more orderly /o! of it"
They %ouldn1t dominate -eath inside the hospital, !ut they %ertainly made
her !eha$e" They had taught her manners" They %ouldn1t 'eep -eath out,
!ut .hile she .as in she had to a%t li'e a lady" People ga$e up the ghost
.ith deli%a%y and taste inside the hospital" There .as none of that %rude,
ugly ostentation a!out dying that .as so %ommon outside the hospital" They
did not !lo. up in mid9air li'e >raft or the dead man in )ossarian1s tent, or
free0e to death in the !la0ing summertime the .ay Sno.den had fro0en to
death after spilling his se%ret to )ossarian in the !a%' of the plane"
1#1m %old,1 Sno.den had .himpered" 1#1m %old"1
1There, there,1 )ossarian had tried to %omfort him" 1There, there"1
They didn1t ta'e it on the lam .eirdly inside a %loud the .ay Cle$inger had
done" They didn1t e4plode into !lood and %lotted matter" They didn1t dro.n
or get stru%' !y lightning, mangled !y ma%hinery or %rushed in landslides"
They didn1t get shot to death in hold9ups, strangled to death in rapes,
sta!!ed to death in saloons, !ludgeoned to death .ith a4es !y parents or
%hildren or die summarily !y some other a%t of 6od" ,o!ody %ho'ed to
death" People !led to death li'e gentlemen in an operating room or e4pired
.ithout %omment in an o4ygen tent" There .as none of that tri%'y no.9you9
see9me9no.9you9don1t !usiness so mu%h in $ogue outside the hospital,
none of that no.9#9am9and9no.9#9ain1t" There .ere no famines or floods"
Children didn1t suffo%ate in %radles or i%e!o4es or fall under tru%'s" ,o one
.as !eaten to death" People didn1t sti%' their heads into o$ens .ith the gas
on, /ump in front of su!.ay trains or %ome plummeting li'e dead .eights
out of hotel .indo.s .ith a #hoosh, a%%elerating at the rate of si4teen feet
per se%ond to land .ith a hideous plop on the side.al' and die disgustingly
there in pu!li% li'e an alpa%a sa%' full of hairy stra.!erry i%e %ream,
!leeding, pin' toes a.ry"
+ll things %onsidered, )ossarian often preferred the hospital, e$en though it
had its faults" The help tended to !e offi%ious, the rules, if heeded,
restri%ti$e, and the management meddlesome" Sin%e si%' people .ere apt
to !e present, he %ould not al.ays depend on a li$ely young %ro.d in the
same .ard .ith him, and the entertainment .as not al.ays good" He .as
for%ed to admit that the hospitals had altered steadily for the .orse as the
.ar %ontinued and one mo$ed %loser to the !attlefront, the deterioration in
the 2uality of the guests !e%oming most mar'ed .ithin the %om!at 0one
itself .here the effe%ts of !ooming .artime %onditions .ere apt to ma'e
themsel$es %onspi%uous immediately" The people got si%'er and si%'er the
deeper he mo$ed into %om!at, until finally in the hospital that last time there
had !een the soldier in .hite, .ho %ould not ha$e !een any si%'er .ithout
!eing dead, and he soon .as"
The soldier in .hite .as %onstru%ted entirely of gau0e, plaster and a
thermometer, and the thermometer .as merely an adornment left !alan%ed
in the empty dar' hole in the !andages o$er his mouth early ea%h morning
and late ea%h afternoon !y ,urse Cramer and ,urse -u%'ett right up to the
afternoon ,urse Cramer read the thermometer and dis%o$ered he .as
dead" ,o. that )ossarian loo'ed !a%', it seemed that ,urse Cramer,
rather than the tal'ati$e Te4an, had murdered the soldier in .hiteA if she
had not read the thermometer and reported .hat she had found, the soldier
in .hite might still !e lying there ali$e e4a%tly as he had !een lying there all
along, en%ased from head to toe in plaster and gau0e .ith !oth strange,
rigid legs ele$ated from the hips and !oth strange arms strung up
perpendi%ularly, all four !ul'y lim!s in %asts, all four strange, useless lim!s
hoisted up in the air !y taut .ire %a!les and fantasti%ally long lead .eights
suspended dar'ly a!o$e him" &ying there that .ay might not ha$e !een
mu%h of a life, !ut it .as all the life he had, and the de%ision to terminate it,
)ossarian felt, should hardly ha$e !een ,urse Cramer1s"
The soldier in .hite .as li'e an unrolled !andage .ith a hole in it or li'e a
!ro'en !lo%' of stone in a har!or .ith a %roo'ed 0in% pipe /utting out" The
other patients in the .ard, all !ut the Te4an, shran' from him .ith a
tenderhearted a$ersion from the moment they set eyes on him the morning
after the night he had !een snea'ed in" They gathered so!erly in the
farthest re%ess of the .ard and gossiped a!out him in mali%ious, offended
undertones, re!elling against his presen%e as a ghastly imposition and
resenting him male$olently for the nauseating truth of .hi%h he .as !right
reminder" They shared a %ommon dread that he .ould !egin moaning"
1# don1t 'no. .hat #1ll do if he does !egin moaning,1 the dashing young
fighter pilot .ith the golden musta%he had grie$ed forlornly" 1#t means he1ll
moan during the night, too, !e%ause he .on1t !e a!le to tell time"1
,o sound at all %ame from the soldier in .hite all the time he .as there"
The ragged round hole o$er his mouth .as deep and /et !la%' and sho.ed
no sign of lip, teeth, palate or tongue" The only one .ho e$er %ame %lose
enough to loo' .as the affa!le Te4an, .ho %ame %lose enough se$eral
times a day to %hat .ith him a!out more $otes for the de%ent fol', opening
ea%h %on$ersation .ith the same un$arying greeting@ 1;hat do you say,
fella5 Ho. you %oming along51 The rest of the men a$oided them !oth in
their regulation maroon %orduroy !athro!es and unra$eling flannel pa/amas,
.ondering gloomily .ho the soldier in .hite .as, .hy he .as there and
.hat he .as really li'e inside"
1He1s all right, # tell you,1 the Te4an .ould report !a%' to them en%ouragingly
after ea%h of his so%ial $isits"
1-eep do.n inside he1s really a regular guy" He1s feeling a little shy and
inse%ure no. !e%ause he doesn1t 'no. any!ody here and %an1t tal'" ;hy
don1t you all /ust step right up to him and introdu%e yoursel$es5 He .on1t
hurt you"1
1;hat the goddam hell are you tal'ing a!out51 -un!ar demanded" 1-oes he
e$en 'no. .hat you1re tal'ing a!out51
1Sure he 'no.s .hat #1m tal'ing a!out" He1s not stupid" There ain1t nothing
.rong .ith him"1
1Can he hear you51
1;ell, # don1t 'no. if he %an hear me or not, !ut #1m sure he 'no.s .hat #1m
tal'ing a!out"1
1-oes that hole o$er his mouth e$er mo$e51
1,o., .hat 'ind of a %ra0y 2uestion is that51 the Te4an as'ed uneasily"
1Ho. %an you tell if he1s !reathing if it ne$er mo$es51
1Ho. %an you tell it1s a he51
1-oes he ha$e pads o$er his eyes underneath that !andage o$er his fa%e51
1-oes he e$er .iggle his toes or mo$e the tips of his fingers51
The Te4an !a%'ed a.ay in mounting %onfusion" 1,o., .hat 'ind of a %ra0y
2uestion is that5 )ou fellas must all !e %ra0y or something" ;hy don1t you
/ust .al' right up to him and get a%2uainted5 He1s a real ni%e guy, # tell you"1
The soldier in .hite .as more li'e a stuffed and sterili0ed mummy than a
real ni%e guy" ,urse -u%'ett and ,urse Cramer 'ept him spi%'9and9span"
They !rushed his !andages often .ith a .his'!room and s%ru!!ed the
plaster %asts on his arms, legs, shoulders, %hest and pel$is .ith soapy
.ater" ;or'ing .ith a round tin of metal polish, they .a4ed a dim gloss on
the dull 0in% pipe rising from the %ement on his groin" ;ith damp dish
to.els they .iped the dust se$eral times a day from the slim !la%' ru!!er
tu!es leading in and out of him to the t.o large stoppered /ars, one of them,
hanging on a post !eside his !ed, dripping fluid into his arm %onstantly
through a slit in the !andages .hile the other, almost out of sight on the
floor, drained the fluid a.ay through the 0in% pipe rising from his groin" 3oth
young nurses polished the glass /ars un%easingly" They .ere proud of their
house.or'" The more soli%itous of the t.o .as ,urse Cramer, a shapely,
pretty, se4less girl .ith a .holesome unattra%ti$e fa%e" ,urse Cramer had a
%ute nose and a radiant, !looming %omple4ion dotted .ith fet%hing sprays
of adora!le fre%'les that )ossarian detested" She .as tou%hed $ery deeply
!y the soldier in .hite" Her $irtuous, pale9!lue, sau%erli'e eyes flooded .ith
le$iathan tears on une4pe%ted o%%asions and made )ossarian mad"
1Ho. the hell do you 'no. he1s e$en in there51 he as'ed her"
1-on1t you dare tal' to me that .ayB1 she replied indignantly"
1;ell, ho. do you5 )ou don1t e$en 'no. if it1s really him"1
1;ho51
1;hoe$er1s supposed to !e in all those !andages" )ou might really !e
.eeping for some!ody else" Ho. do you 'no. he1s e$en ali$e51
1;hat a terri!le thing to sayB1 ,urse Cramer e4%laimed" 1,o., you get right
into !ed and stop ma'ing /o'es a!out him"1
1#1m not ma'ing /o'es" +ny!ody might !e in there" 7or all .e 'no., it might
e$en !e Mudd"1
1;hat are you tal'ing a!out51 ,urse Cramer pleaded .ith him in a
2ua$ering $oi%e"
1May!e that1s .here the dead man is"1
1;hat dead man51
1#1$e got a dead man in my tent that no!ody %an thro. out" His name is
Mudd"1
,urse Cramer1s fa%e !lan%hed and she turned to -un!ar desperately for
aid" 1Ma'e him stop saying things li'e that,1 she !egged"
1May!e there1s no one inside,1 -un!ar suggested helpfully" 1May!e they /ust
sent the !andages here for a /o'e"1
She stepped a.ay from -un!ar in alarm" 1)ou1re %ra0y,1 she %ried, glan%ing
a!out imploringly" 1)ou1re !oth %ra0y"1
,urse -u%'ett sho.ed up then and %hased them all !a%' to their o.n !eds
.hile ,urse Cramer %hanged the stoppered /ars for the soldier in .hite"
Changing the /ars for the soldier in .hite .as no trou!le at all, sin%e the
same %lear fluid .as dripped !a%' inside him o$er and o$er again .ith no
apparent loss" ;hen the /ar feeding the inside of his el!o. .as /ust a!out
empty, the /ar on the floor .as /ust a!out full, and the t.o .ere simply
un%oupled from their respe%ti$e hoses and re$ersed 2ui%'ly so that the
li2uid %ould !e dripped right !a%' into him" Changing the /ars .as no trou!le
to anyone !ut the men .ho .at%hed them %hanged e$ery hour or so and
.ere !affled !y the pro%edure"
1;hy %an1t they hoo' the t.o /ars up to ea%h other and eliminate the
middleman51 the artillery %aptain .ith .hom )ossarian had stopped playing
%hess in2uired" 1;hat the hell do they need him for51
1# .onder .hat he did to deser$e it,1 the .arrant offi%er .ith malaria and a
mos2uito !ite on his ass lamented after ,urse Cramer had read her
thermometer and dis%o$ered that the soldier in .hite .as dead"
1He .ent to .ar,1 the fighter pilot .ith the golden musta%he surmised"
1;e all .ent to .ar,1 -un!ar %ountered"
1That1s .hat # mean,1 the .arrant offi%er .ith malaria %ontinued" 1;hy him5
There /ust doesn1t seem to !e any logi% to this system of re.ards and
punishment" &oo' .hat happened to me" #f # had gotten syphilis or a dose of
%lap for my fi$e minutes of passion on the !ea%h instead of this damned
mos2uito !ite, # %ould see /usti%e" 3ut malaria5 Malaria5 ;ho %an e4plain
malaria as a %onse2uen%e of forni%ation51 The .arrant offi%er shoo' his
head in num! astonishment"
1;hat a!out me51 )ossarian said" 1# stepped out of my tent in Marra'e%h
one night to get a !ar of %andy and %aught your dose of %lap .hen that ;a%
# ne$er e$en sa. !efore 'issed me into the !ushes" +ll # really .anted .as
a !ar of %andy, !ut .ho %ould turn it do.n51
1That sounds li'e my dose of %lap, all right,1 the .arrant offi%er agreed" 13ut
#1$e still got some!ody else1s malaria" Just for on%e #1d li'e to see all these
things sort of straightened out, .ith ea%h person getting e4a%tly .hat he
deser$es" #t might gi$e me some %onfiden%e in this uni$erse"1
1#1$e got some!ody else1s three hundred thousand dollars,1 the dashing
young fighter %aptain .ith the golden musta%he admitted" 1#1$e !een goofing
off sin%e the day # .as !orn" # %heated my .ay through prep s%hool and
%ollege, and /ust a!out all #1$e !een doing e$er sin%e is sha%'ing up .ith
pretty girls .ho thin' #1d ma'e a good hus!and" #1$e got no am!ition at all"
The only thing # .ant to do after the .ar is marry some girl .ho1s got more
money than # ha$e and sha%' up .ith lots more pretty girls" The three
hundred thousand !u%'s .as left to me !efore # .as !orn !y a grandfather
.ho made a fortune selling on an international s%ale" # 'no. # don1t deser$e
it, !ut #1ll !e damned if # gi$e it !a%'" # .onder .ho it really !elongs to"1
1May!e it !elongs to my father,1 -un!ar %on/e%tured" 1He spent a lifetime at
hard .or' and ne$er %ould ma'e enough money to e$en send my sister
and me through %ollege" He1s dead no., so you might as .ell 'eep it"1
1,o., if .e %an /ust find out .ho my malaria !elongs to .e1d !e all set" #t1s
not that #1$e got anything against malaria" #1d /ust as soon gold!ri%' .ith
malaria as .ith anything else" #t1s only that # feel an in/usti%e has !een
%ommitted" ;hy should # ha$e some!ody else1s malaria and you ha$e my
dose of %lap51
1#1$e got more than your dose of %lap,1 )ossarian told him" 1#1$e got to 'eep
flying %om!at missions !e%ause of that dose of yours until they 'ill me"1
1That ma'es it e$en .orse" ;hat1s the /usti%e in that51
1# had a friend named Cle$inger t.o and a half .ee's ago .ho used to see
plenty of /usti%e in it"1
1#t1s the highest 'ind of /usti%e of all,1 Cle$inger had gloated, %lapping his
hands .ith a merry laugh" 1# %an1t help thin'ing of the Hippolytus of
uripides, .here the early li%entiousness of Theseus is pro!a!ly
responsi!le for the as%eti%ism of the son that helps !ring a!out the tragedy
that ruins them all" #f nothing else, that episode .ith the ;a% should tea%h
you the e$il of se4ual immorality"1
1#t tea%hes me the e$il of %andy"1
1Can1t you see that you1re not e4a%tly .ithout !lame for the predi%ament
you1re in51 Cle$inger had %ontinued .ith undisguised relish" 1#f you hadn1t
!een laid up in the hospital .ith $enereal disease for ten days !a%' there in
+fri%a, you might ha$e finished your t.enty9fi$e missions in time to !e sent
home !efore Colonel ,e$ers .as 'illed and Colonel Cath%art %ame to
repla%e him"1
1+nd .hat a!out you51 )ossarian had replied" 1)ou ne$er got %lap in
Marra'e%h and you1re in the same predi%ament"1
1# don1t 'no.,1 %onfessed Cle$inger, .ith a tra%e of mo%' %on%ern" 1# guess #
must ha$e done something $ery !ad in my time"1
1-o you really !elie$e that51
Cle$inger laughed" 1,o, of %ourse not" # /ust li'e to 'id you along a little"1
There .ere too many dangers for )ossarian to 'eep tra%' of" There .as
Hitler, Mussolini and To/o, for e4ample, and they .ere all out to 'ill him"
There .as &ieutenant S%heiss'opf .ith his fanati%ism for parades and there
.as the !loated %olonel .ith his !ig fat musta%he and his fanati%ism for
retri!ution, and they .anted to 'ill him, too" There .as +pple!y,
Ha$ermeyer, 3la%' and >orn" There .as ,urse Cramer and ,urse -u%'ett,
.ho he .as almost %ertain .anted him dead, and there .as the Te4an and
the C"#"-" man, a!out .hom he had no dou!t" There .ere !artenders,
!ri%'layers and !us %ondu%tors all o$er the .orld .ho .anted him dead,
landlords and tenants, traitors and patriots, lyn%hers, lee%hes and la%'eys,
and they .ere all out to !ump him off" That .as the se%ret Sno.den had
spilled to him on the mission to +$ignon = they .ere out to get himA and
Sno.den had spilled it all o$er the !a%' of the plane"
There .ere lymph glands that might do him in" There .ere 'idneys, ner$e
sheaths and %orpus%les" There .ere tumors of the !rain" There .as
Hodg'in1s disease, leu'emia, amyotrophi% lateral s%lerosis" There .ere
fertile red meado.s of epithelial tissue to %at%h and %oddle a %an%er %ell"
There .ere diseases of the s'in, diseases of the !one, diseases of the
lung, diseases of the stoma%h, diseases of the heart, !lood and arteries"
There .ere diseases of the head, diseases of the ne%', diseases of the
%hest, diseases of the intestines, diseases of the %rot%h" There e$en .ere
diseases of the feet" There .ere !illions of %ons%ientious !ody %ells
o4idating a.ay day and night li'e dum! animals at their %ompli%ated /o! of
'eeping him ali$e and healthy, and e$ery one .as a potential traitor and
foe" There .ere so many diseases that it too' a truly diseased mind to e$en
thin' a!out them as often as he and Hungry Joe did"
Hungry Joe %olle%ted lists of fatal diseases and arranged them in
alpha!eti%al order so that he %ould put his finger .ithout delay on any one
he .anted to .orry a!out" He gre. $ery upset .hene$er he mispla%ed
some or .hen he %ould not add to his list, and he .ould go rushing in a %old
s.eat to -o% -anee'a for help"
16i$e him .ing1s tumor,1 )ossarian ad$ised -o% -anee'a, .ho .ould
%ome to )ossarian for help in handling Hungry Joe, 1and follo. it up .ith
melanoma" Hungry Joe li'es lingering diseases, !ut he li'es the fulminating
ones e$en more"1
-o% -anee'a had ne$er heard of either" 1Ho. do you manage to 'eep up
on so many diseases li'e that51 he in2uired .ith high professional esteem"
1# learn a!out them at the hospital .hen # study the 0eader's Digest.1
)ossarian had so many ailments to !e afraid of that he .as sometimes
tempted to turn himself in to the hospital for good and spend the rest of his
life stret%hed out there inside an o4ygen tent .ith a !attery of spe%ialists
and nurses seated at one side of his !ed t.enty9four hours a day .aiting for
something to go .rong and at least one surgeon .ith a 'nife poised at the
other, ready to /ump for.ard and !egin %utting a.ay the moment it !e%ame
ne%essary" +neurisms, for instan%eA ho. else %ould they e$er defend him in
time against an aneurism of the aorta5 )ossarian felt mu%h safer inside the
hospital than outside the hospital, e$en though he loathed the surgeon and
his 'nife as mu%h as he had e$er loathed anyone" He %ould start s%reaming
inside a hospital and people .ould at least %ome running to try to helpA
outside the hospital they .ould thro. him in prison if he e$er started
s%reaming a!out all the things he felt e$eryone ought to start s%reaming
a!out, or they .ould put him in the hospital" (ne of the things he .anted to
start s%reaming a!out .as the surgeon1s 'nife that .as almost %ertain to !e
.aiting for him and e$eryone else .ho li$ed long enough to die" He
.ondered often ho. he .ould e$er re%ogni0e the first %hill, flush, t.inge,
a%he, !el%h, snee0e, stain, lethargy, $o%al slip, loss of !alan%e or lapse of
memory that .ould signal the ine$ita!le !eginning of the ine$ita!le end"
He .as afraid also that -o% -anee'a .ould still refuse to help him .hen he
.ent to him again after /umping out of Ma/or Ma/or1s offi%e, and he .as
right"
1)ou thin' you1$e got something to !e afraid a!out51 -o% -anee'a
demanded, lifting his deli%ate imma%ulate dar' head up from his %hest to
ga0e at )ossarian iras%i!ly for a moment .ith la%hrymose eyes" 1;hat
a!out me5 My pre%ious medi%al s'ills are rusting a.ay here on this lousy
island .hile other do%tors are %leaning up" -o you thin' # en/oy sitting here
day after day refusing to help you5 # .ouldn1t mind it so mu%h if # %ould
refuse to help you !a%' in the States or in some pla%e li'e *ome" 3ut
saying no to you here isn1t easy for me, either"1
1Then stop saying no" 6round me"1
1# %an1t ground you,1 -o% -anee'a mum!led" 1Ho. many times do you ha$e
to !e told51
1)es you %an" Ma/or Ma/or told me you1re the only one in the s2uadron
.ho can ground me"1
-o% -anee'a .as stunned" 1Ma/or Ma/or told you that5 ;hen51
1;hen # ta%'led him in the dit%h"1
1Ma/or Ma/or told you that5 #n a dit%h51
1He told me in his offi%e after .e left the dit%h and /umped inside" He told me
not to tell anyone he told me, so don1t start shooting your mouth off"1
1;hy that dirty, s%heming liarB1 -o% -anee'a %ried" 1He .asn1t supposed to
tell anyone" -id he tell you ho. # %ould ground you51
1Just !y filling out a little slip of paper saying #1m on the $erge of a ner$ous
%ollapse and sending it to 6roup" -r" Stu!!s grounds men in his s2uadron
all the time, so .hy %an1t you51
1+nd .hat happens to the men after Stu!!s does ground them51 -o%
-anee'a retorted .ith a sneer" 1They go right !a%' on %om!at status, don1t
they5 +nd he finds himself right up the %ree'" Sure, # %an ground you !y
filling out a slip saying you1re unfit to fly" 3ut there1s a %at%h"1
1Cat%h9<<51
1Sure" #f # ta'e you off %om!at duty, 6roup has to appro$e my a%tion, and
6roup isn1t going to" They1ll put you right !a%' on %om!at status, and then
.here .ill # !e5 (n my .ay to the Pa%ifi% (%ean, pro!a!ly" ,o, than' you"
#1m not going to ta'e any %han%es for you"1
1#sn1t it .orth a try51 )ossarian argued" 1;hat1s so hot a!out Pianosa51
1Pianosa is terri!le" 3ut it1s !etter than the Pa%ifi% (%ean" # .ouldn1t mind
!eing shipped somepla%e %i$ili0ed .here # might pi%' up a !u%' or t.o in
a!ortion money e$ery no. and then" 3ut all they1$e got in the Pa%ifi% is
/ungles and monsoons, #1d rot there"1
1)ou1re rotting here"1
-o% -anee'a flared up angrily" 1)eah5 ;ell, at least #1m going to %ome out
of this .ar ali$e, .hi%h is a lot more than you1re going to do"1
1That1s /ust .hat #1m trying to tell you, goddammit" #1m as'ing you to sa$e my
life"1
1#t1s not my !usiness to sa$e li$es,1 -o% -anee'a retorted sullenly"
1;hat is your !usiness51
1# don1t 'no. .hat my !usiness is" +ll they e$er told me .as to uphold the
ethi%s of my profession and ne$er gi$e testimony against another physi%ian"
&isten" )ou thin' you1re the only one .hose life is in danger5 ;hat a!out
me5 Those t.o 2ua%'s #1$e got .or'ing for me in the medi%al tent still %an1t
find out .hat1s .rong .ith me"1
1May!e it1s .ing1s tumor,1 )ossarian muttered sar%asti%ally"
1-o you really thin' so51 -o% -anee'a e4%laimed .ith fright"
1(h, # don1t 'no.,1 )ossarian ans.ered impatiently" 1# /ust 'no. #1m not
going to fly any more missions" They .ouldn1t really shoot me, .ould they5
#1$e got fifty9one"1
1;hy don1t you at least finish the fifty9fi$e !efore you ta'e a stand51 -o%
-anee'a ad$ised" 1;ith all your !it%hing, you1$e ne$er finished a tour of
duty e$en on%e"1
1Ho. the hell %an #5 The %olonel 'eeps raising them e$ery time # get %lose"1
1)ou ne$er finish your missions !e%ause you 'eep running into the hospital
or going off to *ome" )ou1d !e in a mu%h, stronger position if you had your
fifty9fi$e finished and then refused to fly" Then may!e #1d see .hat # %ould
do"1
1-o you promise51
1# promise"1
1;hat do you promise51
1# promise that may!e #1ll thin' a!out doing something to help if you finish
your fifty9fi$e missions and if you get M%;att to put my name on his flight
log again so that # %an dra. my flight pay .ithout going up in a plane" #1m
afraid of airplanes" -id you read a!out that airplane %rash in #daho three
.ee's ago5 Si4 people 'illed" #t .as terri!le" # don1t 'no. .hy they .ant me
to put in four hours1 flight time e$ery month in order to get my flight pay"
-on1t # ha$e enough to .orry a!out .ithout .orrying a!out !eing 'illed in an
airplane %rash too51
1# .orry a!out the airplane %rashes also,1 )ossarian told him" 1)ou1re not the
only one"1
1)eah, !ut #1m also pretty .orried a!out that .ing1s tumor,1 -o% -anee'a
!oasted" 1-o you thin' that1s .hy my nose is stuffed all the time and .hy #
al.ays feel so %hilly5 Ta'e my pulse"1
)ossarian also .orried a!out .ing1s tumor and melanoma" Catastrophes
.ere lur'ing e$ery.here, too numerous to %ount" ;hen he %ontemplated
the many diseases and potential a%%idents threatening him, he .as
positi$ely astounded that he had managed to sur$i$e in good health for as
long as he had" #t .as mira%ulous" a%h day he fa%ed .as another
dangerous mission against mortality" +nd he had !een sur$i$ing them for
t.enty9eight years"
The Sol$ier Who Sa' (verything
T'ice
)ossarian o.ed his good health to e4er%ise, fresh air, team.or' and good
sportsmanshipA it .as to get a.ay from them all that he had first dis%o$ered
the hospital" ;hen the physi%al9edu%ation offi%er at &o.ery 7ield ordered
e$eryone to fall out for %alistheni%s one afternoon, )ossarian, the pri$ate,
reported instead at the dispensary .ith .hat he said .as a pain in his right
side"
13eat it,1 said the do%tor on duty there, .ho .as doing a %ross.ord pu00le"
1;e %an1t tell him to !eat it,1 said a %orporal" 1There1s a ne. dire%ti$e out
a!out a!dominal %omplaints" ;e ha$e to 'eep them under o!ser$ation fi$e
days !e%ause so many of them ha$e !een dying after .e ma'e them !eat
it"1
1+ll right,1 grum!led the do%tor" 1>eep him under o!ser$ation fi$e days
and then ma'e him !eat it"1
They too' )ossarian1s %lothes a.ay and put him in a .ard, .here he .as
$ery happy .hen no one .as snoring near!y" #n the morning a helpful
young nglish intern popped in to as' him a!out his li$er"
1# thin' it1s my appendi4 that1s !othering me,1 )ossarian told him"
1)our appendi4 is no good,1 the nglishman de%lared .ith /aunty authority"
1#f your appendi4 goes .rong, .e %an ta'e it out and ha$e you !a%' on
a%ti$e duty in almost no time at all" 3ut %ome to us .ith a li$er %omplaint
and you %an fool us for .ee's" The li$er, you see, is a large, ugly mystery to
us" #f you1$e e$er eaten li$er you 'no. .hat # mean" ;e1re pretty sure today
that the li$er e4ists and .e ha$e a fairly good idea of .hat it does .hene$er
it1s doing .hat it1s supposed to !e doing" 3eyond that, .e1re really in the
dar'" +fter all, .hat is a li$er5 My father, for e4ample, died of %an%er of the
li$er and .as ne$er si%' a day of his life right up till the moment it 'illed him"
,e$er felt a t.inge of pain" #n a .ay, that .as too !ad, sin%e # hated my
father" &ust for my mother, you 'no."1
1;hat1s an nglish medi%al offi%er doing on duty here51 )ossarian .anted to
'no."
The offi%er laughed" 1#1ll tell you all a!out that .hen # see you tomorro.
morning" +nd thro. that silly i%e !ag a.ay !efore you die of pneumonia"1
)ossarian ne$er sa. him again" That .as one of the ni%e things a!out all
the do%tors at the hospitalA he ne$er sa. any of them a se%ond time" They
%ame and .ent and simply disappeared" #n pla%e of the nglish intern the
ne4t day, there arri$ed a group of do%tors he had ne$er seen !efore to as'
him a!out his appendi4"
1There1s nothing .rong .ith my appendi4,1 )ossarian informed them" 1The
do%tor yesterday said it .as my li$er"1
1May!e it is his li$er,1 replied the .hite9haired offi%er in %harge" 1;hat does
his !lood %ount sho.51
1He hasn1t had a !lood %ount"1
1Ha$e one ta'en right a.ay" ;e %an1t afford to ta'e %han%es .ith a patient
in his %ondition" ;e1$e got to 'eep oursel$es %o$ered in %ase he dies"1 He
made a notation on his %lip!oard and spo'e to )ossarian" 1#n the meantime,
'eep that i%e !ag on" #t1s $ery important"1
1# don1t ha$e an i%e !ag on"1
1;ell, get one" There must !e an i%e !ag around here some.here" +nd let
someone 'no. if the pain !e%omes unendura!le"1
+t the end of ten days, a ne. group of do%tors %ame to )ossarian .ith !ad
ne.sA he .as in perfe%t health and had to get out" He .as res%ued in the
ni%' of time !y a patient a%ross the aisle .ho !egan to see e$erything
t.i%e" ;ithout .arning, the patient sat up in !ed and shouted"
1# see e$erything t.i%eB1
+ nurse s%reamed and an orderly fainted" -o%tors %ame running up from
e$ery dire%tion .ith needles, lights, tu!es, ru!!er mallets and os%illating
metal tines" They rolled up %ompli%ated instruments on .heels" There .as
not enough of the patient to go around, and spe%ialists pushed for.ard in
line .ith ra. tempers and snapped at their %olleagues in front to hurry up
and gi$e some!ody else a %han%e" + %olonel .ith a large forehead and
horn9rimmed glasses soon arri$ed at a diagnosis"
1#t1s meningitis,1 he %alled out emphati%ally, .a$ing the others !a%'"
1+lthough &ord 'no.s there1s not the slightest reason for thin'ing so"1
1Then .hy pi%' meningitis51 in2uired a ma/or .ith a sua$e %hu%'le" 1;hy
not, let1s say, a%ute nephritis51
13e%ause #1m a meningitis man, that1s .hy, and not an a%ute9nephritis man,1
retorted the %olonel" 1+nd #1m not going to gi$e him up to any of you 'idney
!irds .ithout a struggle" # .as here first"1
#n the end, the do%tors .ere all in a%%ord" They agreed they had no idea
.hat .as .rong .ith the soldier .ho sa. e$erything t.i%e, and they rolled
him a.ay into a room in the %orridor and 2uarantined e$eryone else in the
.ard for fourteen days"
Than'sgi$ing -ay %ame and .ent .ithout any fuss .hile )ossarian .as still
in the hospital" The only !ad thing a!out it .as the tur'ey for dinner, and
e$en that .as pretty good" #t .as the most rational Than'sgi$ing he had
e$er spent, and he too' a sa%red oath to spend e$ery future Than'sgi$ing
-ay in the %loistered shelter of a hospital" He !ro'e his sa%red oath the $ery
ne4t year, .hen he spent the holiday in a hotel room instead in intelle%tual
%on$ersation .ith &ieutenant S%heiss'opf1s .ife, .ho had -ori -u01s dog
tags on for the o%%asion and .ho henpe%'ed )ossarian sententiously for
!eing %yni%al and %allous a!out Than'sgi$ing, e$en though she didn1t
!elie$e in 6od /ust as mu%h as he didn1t"
1#1m pro!a!ly /ust as good an atheist as you are,1 she spe%ulated !oastfully"
13ut e$en # feel that .e all ha$e a great deal to !e than'ful for and that .e
shouldn1t !e ashamed to sho. it"1
1,ame one thing #1$e got to !e than'ful for,1 )ossarian %hallenged her
.ithout interest"
1;ell?1 &ieutenant S%heiss'opf1s .ife mused and paused a moment to
ponder du!iously" 1Me"1
1(h, %ome on,1 he s%offed"
She ar%hed her eye!ro.s in surprise" 1+ren1t you than'ful for me51 she
as'ed" She fro.ned pee$ishly, her pride .ounded" 1# don1t ha$e to sha%' up
.ith you, you 'no.,1 she told him .ith %old dignity" 1My hus!and has a
.hole s2uadron full of a$iation %adets .ho .ould !e only too happy to
sha%' up .ith their %ommanding offi%er1s .ife /ust for the added fillip it
.ould gi$e them"1
)ossarian de%ided to %hange the su!/e%t" 1,o. you1re %hanging the
su!/e%t,1 he pointed out diplomati%ally" 1#1ll !et # %an name t.o things to !e
misera!le a!out for e$ery one you %an name to !e than'ful for"1
13e than'ful you1$e got me,1 she insisted"
1# am, honey" 3ut #1m also goddam good and misera!le that # %an1t ha$e -ori
-u0 again, too" (r the hundreds of other girls and .omen #1ll see and .ant
in my short lifetime and .on1t !e a!le to go to !ed .ith e$en on%e"1
13e than'ful you1re healthy"1
13e !itter you1re not going to stay that .ay"1
13e glad you1re e$en ali$e"1
13e furious you1re going to die"1
1Things %ould !e mu%h .orse,1 she %ried"
1They %ould !e one hell of a lot !etter,1 he ans.ered heatedly"
1)ou1re naming only one thing,1 she protested" 1)ou said you %ould name
t.o"1
1+nd don1t tell me 6od .or's in mysterious .ays,1 )ossarian %ontinued,
hurtling on o$er her o!/e%tion" 1There1s nothing so mysterious a!out it" He1s
not .or'ing at all" He1s playing" (r else He1s forgotten all a!out us" That1s
the 'ind of 6od you people tal' a!out = a %ountry !ump'in, a %lumsy,
!ungling, !rainless, %on%eited, un%outh hayseed" 6ood 6od, ho. mu%h
re$eren%e %an you ha$e for a Supreme 3eing .ho finds it ne%essary to
in%lude su%h phenomena as phlegm and tooth de%ay in His di$ine system
of %reation5 ;hat in the .orld .as running through that .arped, e$il,
s%atologi%al mind of His .hen He ro!!ed old people of the po.er to %ontrol
their !o.el mo$ements5 ;hy in the .orld did He e$er %reate pain51
1Pain51 &ieutenant S%heiss'opf1s .ife poun%ed upon the .ord $i%toriously"
1Pain is a useful symptom" Pain is a .arning to us of !odily dangers"1
1+nd .ho %reated the dangers51 )ossarian demanded" He laughed
%austi%ally" 1(h, He .as really !eing %harita!le to us .hen He ga$e us painB
;hy %ouldn1t He ha$e used a door!ell instead to notify us, or one of His
%elestial %hoirs5 (r a system of !lue9and9red neon tu!es right in the middle
of ea%h person1s forehead" +ny /u'e!o4 manufa%turer .orth his salt %ould
ha$e done that" ;hy %ouldn1t He51
1People .ould %ertainly loo' silly .al'ing around .ith red neon tu!es in the
middle of their foreheads"1
1They %ertainly loo' !eautiful no. .rithing in agony or stupefied .ith
morphine, don1t they5 ;hat a %olossal, immortal !lundererB ;hen you
%onsider the opportunity and po.er He had to really do a /o!, and then loo'
at the stupid, ugly little mess He made of it instead, His sheer in%ompeten%e
is almost staggering" #t1s o!$ious He ne$er met a payroll" ;hy, no self9
respe%ting !usinessman .ould hire a !ungler li'e Him as e$en a shipping
%ler'B1
&ieutenant S%heiss'opf1s .ife had turned ashen in dis!elief and .as ogling
him .ith alarm" 1)ou1d !etter not tal' that .ay a!out Him, honey,1 she
.arned him repro$ingly in a lo. and hostile $oi%e" 1He might punish you"1
1#sn1t He punishing me enough51 )ossarian snorted resentfully" 1)ou 'no.,
.e mustn1t let Him get a.ay .ith it" (h, no, .e %ertainly mustn1t let Him get
a.ay s%ot free for all the sorro. He1s %aused us" Someday #1m going to
ma'e Him pay" # 'no. .hen" (n the Judgment -ay" )es, That1s the day #1ll
!e %lose enough to rea%h out and gra! that little yo'el !y His ne%' and =1
1Stop itB Stop itB1 &ieutenant S%heiss'opf1s .ife s%reamed suddenly, and
!egan !eating him ineffe%tually a!out the head .ith !oth fists" 1Stop itB1
)ossarian du%'ed !ehind his arm for prote%tion .hile she slammed a.ay at
him in feminine fury for a fe. se%onds, and then he %aught her
determinedly !y the .rists and for%ed her gently !a%' do.n on the !ed"
1;hat the hell are you getting so upset a!out51 he as'ed her !e.ilderedly in
a tone of %ontrite amusement" 1# thought you didn1t !elie$e in 6od"1
1# don1t,1 she so!!ed, !ursting $iolently into tears" 13ut the 6od # don1t
!elie$e in is a good 6od, a /ust 6od, a mer%iful 6od" He1s not the mean and
stupid 6od you ma'e Him out to !e"1
)ossarian laughed and turned her arms loose" 1&et1s ha$e a little more
religious freedom !et.een us,1 he proposed o!ligingly" 1)ou don1t !elie$e in
the 6od you .ant to, and # .on1t !elie$e in the 6od # .ant to" #s that a
deal51
That .as the most illogi%al Than'sgi$ing he %ould e$er remem!er
spending, and his thoughts returned .ishfully to his hal%yon fourteen9day
2uarantine in the hospital the year !eforeA !ut e$en that idyll had ended on
a tragi% noteA he .as still in good health .hen the 2uarantine period .as
o$er, and they told him again that he had to get out and go to .ar"
)ossarian sat up in !ed .hen he heard the !ad ne.s and shouted"
1# see e$erything t.i%eB1
Pandemonium !ro'e loose in the .ard again" The spe%ialists %ame running
up from all dire%tions and ringed him in a %ir%le of s%rutiny so %onfining that
he %ould feel the humid !reath from their $arious noses !lo.ing
un%omforta!ly upon the different se%tors of his !ody" They .ent snooping
into his eyes and ears .ith tiny !eams of light, assaulted his legs and feet
.ith ru!!er hammers and $i!rating for's, dre. !lood from his $eins, held
anything handy up for him to see on the periphery of his $ision"
The leader of this team of do%tors .as a dignified, soli%itous gentleman .ho
held one finger up dire%tly in front of)ossarian and demanded, 1Ho. many
fingers do you see51
1T.o,1 said )ossarian"
1Ho. many fingers do you see no.51 as'ed the do%tor, holding up t.o"
1T.o,1 said )ossarian"
1+nd ho. many no.51 as'ed the do%tor, holding up none"
1T.o,1 said )ossarian"
The do%tor1s fa%e .reathed .ith a smile" 13y Jo$e, he1s right,1 he de%lared
/u!ilantly" 1He does see e$erything t.i%e"1
They rolled )ossarian a.ay on a stret%her into the room .ith the other
soldier .ho sa. e$erything t.i%e and 2uarantined e$eryone else in the
.ard for another fourteen days"
1# see e$erything t.i%eB1 the soldier .ho sa. e$erything t.i%e shouted .hen
they rolled )ossarian in"
1# see e$erything t.i%eB1 )ossarian shouted !a%' at him /ust as loudly, .ith a
se%ret .in'"
1The .allsB The .allsB1 the other soldier %ried" 1Mo$e !a%' the .allsB1
1The .allsB The .allsB1 )ossarian %ried" 1Mo$e !a%' the .allsB1
(ne of the do%tors pretended to sho$e the .all !a%'" 1#s that far enough51
The soldier .ho sa. e$erything t.i%e nodded .ea'ly and san' !a%' on his
!ed" )ossarian nodded .ea'ly too, eying his talented roommate .ith great
humility and admiration" He 'ne. he .as in the presen%e of a master" His
talented roommate .as o!$iously a person to !e studied and emulated"
-uring the night, his talented roommate died, and )ossarian de%ided that
he had follo.ed him far enough"
1# see e$erything on%eB1 he %ried 2ui%'ly"
+ ne. group of spe%ialists %ame pounding up to his !edside .ith their
instruments to find out if it .as true"
1Ho. many fingers do you see51 as'ed the leader, holding up one"
1(ne"1
The do%tor held up t.o fingers" 1Ho. many fingers do you see no.51
1(ne"1
The do%tor held up ten fingers" 1+nd ho. many no.51
1(ne"1
The do%tor turned to the other do%tors .ith ama0ement" 1He does see
e$erything on%eB1 he e4%laimed" 1;e made him all !etter"1
1+nd /ust in time, too,1 announ%ed the do%tor .ith .hom )ossarian ne4t
found himself alone, a tall, torpedo9shaped %ongenial man .ith an
unsha$en gro.th of !ro.n !eard and a pa%' of %igarettes in his shirt po%'et
that he %hain9smo'ed insou%iantly as he leaned against the .all" 1There are
some relati$es here to see you" (h, don1t .orry,1 he added .ith a laugh"
1,ot your relati$es" #t1s the mother, father and !rother of that %hap .ho died"
They1$e tra$eled all the .ay from ,e. )or' to see a dying soldier, and
you1re the handiest one .e1$e got"1
1;hat are you tal'ing a!out51 )ossarian as'ed suspi%iously" 1#1m not dying"1
1(f %ourse you1re dying" ;e1re all dying" ;here the de$il else do you thin'
you1re heading51
1They didn1t %ome to see me,1 )ossarian o!/e%ted" 1They %ame to see their
son"1
1They1ll ha$e to ta'e .hat they %an get" +s far as .e1re %on%erned, one
dying !oy is /ust as good as any other, or /ust as !ad" To a s%ientist, all
dying !oys are e2ual" # ha$e a proposition for you" )ou let them %ome in
and loo' you o$er for a fe. minutes and # .on1t tell anyone you1$e !een
lying a!out your li$er symptoms"1
)ossarian dre. !a%' from him farther" 1)ou 'no. a!out that51
1(f %ourse # do" 6i$e us some %redit"1 The do%tor %hu%'led amia!ly and lit
another %igarette" 1Ho. do you e4pe%t anyone to !elie$e you ha$e a li$er
%ondition if you 'eep s2uee0ing the nurses1 tits e$ery time you get a
%han%e5 )ou1re going to ha$e to gi$e up se4 if you .ant to %on$in%e people
you1$e got an ailing li$er"1
1That1s a hell of a pri%e to pay /ust to 'eep ali$e" ;hy didn1t you turn me in if
you 'ne. # .as fa'ing51
1;hy the de$il should #51 as'ed the do%tor .ith a fli%'er of surprise" 1;e1re
all in this !usiness of illusion together" #1m al.ays .illing to lend a helping
hand to a fello. %onspirator along the road to sur$i$al if he1s .illing to do
the same for me" These people ha$e %ome a long .ay, and #1d rather not
disappoint them" #1m sentimental a!out old people"1
13ut they %ame to see their son"1
1They %ame too late" May!e they .on1t e$en noti%e the differen%e"1
1Suppose they start %rying"1
1They pro!a!ly .ill start %rying" That1s one of the reasons they %ame" #1ll
listen outside the door and !rea' it up if it starts getting ta%'y"1
1#t all sounds a !it %ra0y,1 )ossarian refle%ted" 1;hat do they .ant to .at%h
their son die for, any.ay51
1#1$e ne$er !een a!le to figure that one out,1 the do%tor admitted, 1!ut they
al.ays do" ;ell, .hat do you say5 +ll you1$e got to do is lie there a fe.
minutes and die a little" #s that as'ing so mu%h51
1+ll right,1 )ossarian ga$e in" 1#f it1s /ust for a fe. minutes and you promise to
.ait right outside"1 He .armed to his role" 1Say, .hy don1t you .rap a
!andage around me for effe%t51
1That sounds li'e a splendid idea,1 applauded the do%tor"
They .rapped a !at%h of !andages around )ossarian" + team of medi%al
orderlies installed tan shades on ea%h of the t.o .indo.s and lo.ered
them to douse the room in depressing shado.s" )ossarian suggested
flo.ers and the do%tor sent an orderly out to find t.o small !un%hes of
fading ones .ith a strong and si%'ening smell" ;hen e$erything .as in
pla%e, they made )ossarian get !a%' into !ed and lie do.n" Then they
admitted the $isitors"
The $isitors entered un%ertainly as though they felt they .ere intruding,
tiptoeing in .ith stares of mee' apology, first the grie$ing mother and father,
then the !rother, a glo.ering hea$y9set sailor .ith a deep %hest" The man
and .oman stepped into the room stify side !y side as though right out of a
familiar, though esoteri%, anni$ersary daguerreotype on a .all" They .ere
!oth short, sere and proud" They seemed made of iron and old, dar'
%lothing" The .oman had a long, !rooding o$al fa%e of !urnt um!er, .ith
%oarse graying !la%' hair parted se$erely in the middle and %om!ed !a%'
austerely !ehind her ne%' .ithout %url, .a$e or ornamentation" Her mouth
.as sullen and sad, her lined lips %ompressed" The father stood $ery rigid
and 2uaint in a dou!le9!reasted suit .ith padded shoulders that .ere mu%h
too tight for him" He .as !road and mus%ular on a small s%ale and had a
magnifi%ently %urled sil$er musta%he on his %rin'led fa%e" His eyes .ere
%reased and rheumy, and he appeared tragi%ally ill at ease as he stood
a.'.ardly .ith the !rim of his !la%' felt fedora held in his t.o !ra.ny
la!orer1s hands out in front of his .ide lapels" Po$erty and hard .or' had
infli%ted ini2uitous damage on !oth" The !rother .as loo'ing for a fight" His
round .hite %ap .as %o%'ed at an insolent tilt, his hands .ere %len%hed,
and he glared at e$erything in the room .ith a s%o.l of in/ured tru%ulen%e"
The three %rea'ed for.ard timidly, holding themsel$es %lose to ea%h other
in a stealthy, funereal group and in%hing for.ard almost in step, until they
arri$ed at the side of the !ed and stood staring do.n at )ossarian" There
.as a gruesome and e4%ru%iating silen%e that threatened to endure fore$er"
7inally )ossarian .as una!le to !ear it any longer and %leared his throat"
The old man spo'e at last"
1He loo's terri!le,1 he said"
1He1s si%', Pa"1
16iuseppe,1 said the mother, .ho had seated herself in a %hair .ith her
$einous fingers %lasped in her lap"
1My name is )ossarian,1 )ossarian said"
1His name is )ossarian, Ma" )ossarian, don1t you re%ogni0e me5 #1m your
!rother John" -on1t you 'no. .ho # am51
1Sure # do" )ou1re my !rother John"1
1He does re%ogni0e meB Pa, he 'no.s .ho # am" )ossarian, here1s Papa"
Say hello to Papa"1
1Hello, Papa,1 said )ossarian"
1Hello, 6iuseppe"1
1His name is )ossarian, Pa"1
1# %an1t get o$er ho. terri!le he loo's,1 the father said"
1He1s $ery si%', Pa" The do%tor says he1s going to die"1
1# didn1t 'no. .hether to !elie$e the do%tor or not,1 the father said" 1)ou
'no. ho. %roo'ed those guys are"1
16iuseppe,1 the mother said again, in a soft, !ro'en %hord of muted anguish"
1His name is )ossarian, Ma" She don1t remem!er things too good any more"
Ho.1re they treating you in here, 'id5 They treating you pretty good51
1Pretty good,1 )ossarian told him"
1That1s good" Just don1t let any!ody in here push you around" )ou1re /ust as
good as any!ody else in here e$en though you are #talian" )ou1$e got
rights, too"1
)ossarian .in%ed and %losed his eyes so that he .ould not ha$e to loo' at
his !rother John" He !egan to feel si%'"
1,o. see ho. terri!le he loo's,1 the father o!ser$ed"
16iuseppe,1 the mother said"
1Ma, his name is )ossarian,1 the !rother interrupted her impatiently" 1Can1t
you remem!er51
1#t1s all right,1 )ossarian interrupted him" 1She %an %all me 6iuseppe if she
.ants to"1
16iuseppe,1 she said to him"
1-on1t .orry, )ossarian,1 the !rother said" 1$erything is going to !e all right"1
1-on1t .orry, Ma,1 )ossarian said" 1$erything is going to !e all right"1
1-id you ha$e a priest51 the !rother .anted to 'no."
1)es,1 )ossarian lied, .in%ing again"
1That1s good,1 the !rother de%ided" 1Just as long as you1re getting e$erything
you1$e got %oming to you" ;e %ame all the .ay from ,e. )or'" ;e .ere
afraid .e .ouldn1t get here in time"1
1#n time for .hat51
1#n time to see you !efore you died"1
1;hat differen%e .ould it ma'e51
1;e didn1t .ant you to die !y yourself"1
1;hat differen%e .ould it ma'e51
1He must !e getting delirious,1 the !rother said" 1He 'eeps saying the same
thing o$er and o$er again"1
1That1s really $ery funny,1 the old man replied" 1+ll the time # thought his
name .as 6iuseppe, and no. # find out his name is )ossarian" That1s really
$ery funny"1
1Ma, ma'e him feel good,1 the !rother urged" 1Say something to %heer him
up"1
16iuseppe"1
1#t1s not 6iuseppe, Ma" #t1s )ossarian"1
1;hat differen%e does it ma'e51 the mother ans.ered in the same mourning
tone, .ithout loo'ing up" 1He1s dying"1
Her tumid eyes filled .ith tears and she !egan to %ry, ro%'ing !a%' and
forth slo.ly in her %hair .ith her hands lying in her lap li'e fallen moths"
)ossarian .as afraid she .ould start .ailing" The father and !rother !egan
%rying also" )ossarian remem!ered suddenly .hy they .ere all %rying, and
he !egan %rying too" + do%tor )ossarian had ne$er seen !efore stepped
inside the room and told the $isitors %ourteously that they had to go" The
father dre. himself up formally to say good!ye"
16iuseppe,1 he !egan"
1)ossarian,1 %orre%ted the son"
1)ossarian,1 said the father"
16iuseppe,1 %orre%ted )ossarian"
1Soon you1re going to die"1
)ossarian !egan to %ry again" The do%tor thre. him a dirty loo' from the
rear of the room, and )ossarian made himself stop"
The father %ontinued solemnly .ith his head lo.ered" 1;hen you tal' to the
man upstairs,1 he said, 1# .ant you to tell Him something for me" Tell Him it
ain1t right for people to die .hen they1re young" # mean it" Tell Him if they
got to die at all, they got to die .hen they1re old" # .ant you to tell Him that" #
don1t thin' He 'no.s it ain1t right, !e%ause He1s supposed to !e good and
it1s !een going on for a long, long time" ('ay51
1+nd don1t let any!ody up there push you around,1 the !rother ad$ised"
1)ou1ll !e /ust as good as any!ody else in hea$en, e$en though you are
#talian"1
1-ress .arm,1 said the mother, .ho seemed to 'no."
Colonel Cathcart
Colonel Cath%art .as a sli%', su%%essful, slipshod, unhappy man of thirty9
si4 .ho lum!ered .hen he .al'ed and .anted to !e a general" He .as
dashing and de/e%ted, poised and %hagrined" He .as %ompla%ent and
inse%ure, daring in the administrati$e stratagems he employed to !ring
himself to the attention of his superiors and %ra$en in his %on%ern that his
s%hemes might all !a%'fire" He .as handsome and unattra%ti$e, a
s.ash!u%'ling, !eefy, %on%eited man .ho .as putting on fat and .as
tormented %hroni%ally !y prolonged sei0ures of apprehension" Colonel
Cath%art .as %on%eited !e%ause he .as a full %olonel .ith a %om!at
%ommand at the age of only thirty9si4A and Colonel Cath%art .as de/e%ted
!e%ause although he .as already thirty9si4 he .as still only a full %olonel"
Colonel Cath%art .as imper$ious to a!solutes" He %ould measure his o.n
progress only in relationship to others, and his idea of e4%ellen%e .as to do
something at least as .ell as all the men his o.n age .ho .ere doing the
same thing e$en !etter" The fa%t that there .ere thousands of men his o.n
age and older .ho had not e$en attained the ran' of ma/or enli$ened him
.ith foppish delight in his o.n remar'a!le .orthA on the other hand, the fa%t
that there .ere men of his o.n age and younger .ho .ere already
generals %ontaminated him .ith an agoni0ing sense of failure and made
him gna. at his fingernails .ith an unappeasa!le an4iety that .as e$en
more intense than Hungry Joe1s"
Colonel Cath%art .as a $ery large, pouting, !roadshouldered man .ith
%lose9%ropped %urly dar' hair that .as graying at the tips and an ornate
%igarette holder that he pur%hased the day !efore he arri$ed in Pianosa to
ta'e %ommand of his group" He displayed the %igarette holder grandly on
e$ery o%%asion and had learned to manipulate it adroitly" :n.ittingly, he
had dis%o$ered deep .ithin himself a fertile aptitude for smo'ing .ith a
%igarette holder" +s far as he %ould tell, his .as the only %igarette holder in
the .hole Mediterranean theater of operations, and the thought .as !oth
flattering and dis2uieting" He had no dou!ts at all that someone as de!onair
and intelle%tual as 6eneral Pe%'em appro$ed of his smo'ing .ith a
%igarette holder, e$en though the t.o .ere in ea%h other1s presen%e rather
seldom, .hi%h in a .ay .as $ery lu%'y, Colonel Cath%art re%ogni0ed .ith
relief, sin%e 6eneral Pe%'em might not ha$e appro$ed of his %igarette
holder at all" ;hen su%h misgi$ings assailed Colonel Cath%art, he %ho'ed
!a%' a so! and .anted to thro. the damned thing a.ay, !ut he .as
restrained !y his uns.er$ing %on$i%tion that the %igarette holder ne$er
failed to em!ellish his mas%uline, martial physi2ue .ith a high gloss of
sophisti%ated heroism that illuminated him to da00ling ad$antage among all
the other full %olonels in the +meri%an +rmy .ith .hom he .as in
%ompetition" +lthough ho. %ould he !e sure5
Colonel Cath%art .as indefatiga!le that .ay, an industrious, intense,
dedi%ated military ta%ti%ian .ho %al%ulated day and night in the ser$i%e of
himself" He .as his o.n sar%ophagus, a !old and infalli!le diplomat .ho
.as al.ays !erating himself disgustedly for all the %han%es he had missed
and 'i%'ing himself regretfully for all the errors he had made" He .as tense,
irrita!le, !itter and smug" He .as a $alorous opportunist .ho poun%ed
hoggishly upon e$ery opportunity Colonel >orn dis%o$ered for him and
trem!led in damp despair immediately after.ard at the possi!le
%onse2uen%es he might suffer" He %olle%ted rumors greedily and treasured
gossip" He !elie$ed all the ne.s he heard and had faith in none" He .as on
the alert %onstantly for e$ery signal, shre.dly sensiti$e to relationships and
situations that did not e4ist" He .as someone in the 'no. .ho .as al.ays
stri$ing patheti%ally to find out .hat .as going on" He .as a !lustering,
intrepid !ully .ho !rooded in%onsola!ly o$er the terri!le ineradi%a!le
impressions he 'ne. he 'ept ma'ing on people of prominen%e .ho .ere
s%ar%ely a.are that he .as e$en ali$e"
$ery!ody .as perse%uting him" Colonel Cath%art li$ed !y his .its in an
unsta!le, arithmeti%al .orld of !la%' eyes and feathers in his %ap, of
o$er.helming imaginary triumphs and %atastrophi% imaginary defeats" He
os%illated hourly !et.een anguish and e4hilaration, multiplying fantasti%ally
the grandeur of his $i%tories and e4aggerating tragi%ally the seriousness of
his defeats" ,o!ody e$er %aught him napping" #f .ord rea%hed him that
6eneral -reedle or 6eneral Pe%'em had !een seen smiling, fro.ning, or
doing neither, he %ould not ma'e himself rest until he had found an
a%%epta!le interpretation and grum!led mulishly until Colonel >orn
persuaded him to rela4 and ta'e things easy"
&ieutenant Colonel >orn .as a loyal, indispensa!le ally .ho got on Colonel
Cath%art1s ner$es" Colonel Cath%art pledged eternal gratitude to Colonel
>orn for the ingenious mo$es he de$ised and .as furious .ith him
after.ard .hen he reali0ed they might not .or'" Colonel Cath%art .as
greatly inde!ted to Colonel >orn and did not li'e him at all" The t.o .ere
$ery %lose" Colonel Cath%art .as /ealous of Colonel >orn1s intelligen%e and
had to remind himself often that Colonel >orn .as still only a lieutenant
%olonel, e$en though he .as almost ten years older than Colonel Cath%art,
and that Colonel >orn had o!tained his edu%ation at a state uni$ersity"
Colonel Cath%art !e.ailed the misera!le fate that had gi$en him for an
in$alua!le assistant someone as %ommon as Colonel >orn" #t .as
degrading to ha$e to depend so thoroughly on a person .ho had !een
edu%ated at a state uni$ersity" #f someone did ha$e to !e%ome
indispensa!le to him, Colonel Cath%art lamented, it %ould /ust as easily
ha$e !een someone .ealthy and .ell groomed, someone from a !etter
family .ho .as more mature than Colonel >orn and .ho did not treat
Colonel Cath%art1s desire to !e%ome a general as fri$olously as Colonel
Cath%art se%retly suspe%ted Colonel >orn se%retly did"
Colonel Cath%art .anted to !e a general so desperately he .as .illing to
try anything, e$en religion, and he summoned the %haplain to his offi%e late
one morning the .ee' after he had raised the num!er of missions to si4ty
and pointed a!ruptly do.n to.ard his des' to his %opy of ,he Saturday
$vening .ost. The %olonel .ore his 'ha'i shirt %ollar .ide open, e4posing a
shado. of tough !la%' !ristles of !eard on his egg9.hite ne%', and had a
spongy hanging underlip" He .as a person .ho ne$er tanned, and he 'ept
out of the sun as mu%h as possi!le to a$oid !urning" The %olonel .as more
than a head taller than the %haplain and o$er t.i%e as !road, and his
s.ollen, o$er!earing authority made the %haplain feel frail and si%'ly !y
%ontrast"
1Ta'e a loo', Chaplain,1 Colonel Cath%art dire%ted, s%re.ing a %igarette into
his holder and seating himself affluently in the s.i$el %hair !ehind his des'"
1&et me 'no. .hat you thin'"1
The %haplain loo'ed do.n at the open maga0ine %ompliantly and sa. an
editorial spread dealing .ith an +meri%an !om!er group in ngland .hose
%haplain said prayers in the !riefing room !efore ea%h mission" The
%haplain almost .ept .ith happiness .hen he reali0ed the %olonel .as not
going to holler at him" The t.o had hardly spo'en sin%e the tumultuous
e$ening Colonel Cath%art had thro.n him out of the offi%ers1 %lu! at 6eneral
-reedle1s !idding after Chief ;hite Halfoat had pun%hed Colonel Moodus in
the nose" The %haplain1s initial fear had !een that the %olonel intended
reprimanding him for ha$ing gone !a%' into the offi%ers1 %lu! .ithout
permission the e$ening !efore" He had gone there .ith )ossarian and
-un!ar after the t.o had %ome une4pe%tedly to his tent in the %learing in
the .oods to as' him to /oin them" #ntimidated as he .as !y Colonel
Cath%art, he ne$ertheless found it easier to !ra$e his displeasure than to
de%line the thoughtful in$itation of his t.o ne. friends, .hom he had met on
one of his hospital $isits /ust a fe. .ee's !efore and .ho had .or'ed so
effe%ti$ely to insulate him against the myriad so%ial $i%issitudes in$ol$ed in
his offi%ial duty to li$e on %losest terms of familiarity .ith more than nine
hundred unfamiliar offi%ers and enlisted men .ho thought him an odd du%'"
The %haplain glued his eyes to the pages of the maga0ine" He studied ea%h
photograph t.i%e and read the %aptions intently as he organi0ed his
response to the %olonel1s 2uestion into a grammati%ally %omplete senten%e
that he rehearsed and reorgani0ed in his mind a %onsidera!le num!er of
times !efore he .as a!le finally to muster the %ourage to reply"
1# thin' that saying prayers !efore ea%h mission is a $ery moral and highly
laudatory pro%edure, sir,1 he offered timidly, and .aited"
1)eah,1 said the %olonel" 13ut # .ant to 'no. if you thin' they1ll .or' here"1
1)es, sir,1 ans.ered the %haplain after a fe. moments" 1# should thin' they
.ould"1
1Then #1d li'e to gi$e it a try"1 The %olonel1s ponderous, farina%eous %hee's
.ere tinted suddenly .ith glo.ing pat%hes of enthusiasm" He rose to his
feet and !egan .al'ing around e4%itedly" 1&oo' ho. mu%h good they1$e
done for these people in ngland" Here1s a pi%ture of a %olonel in ,he
Saturday $vening .ost .hose %haplain %ondu%ts prayers !efore ea%h
mission" #f the prayers .or' for him, they should .or' for us" May!e if .e
say prayers, they1ll put my pi%ture in ,he Saturday $vening .ost.1
The %olonel sat do.n again and smiled distantly in la$ish %ontemplation"
The %haplain had no hint of .hat he .as e4pe%ted to say ne4t" ;ith a
pensi$e e4pression on his o!long, rather pale fa%e, he allo.ed his ga0e to
settle on se$eral of the high !ushels filled .ith red plum tomatoes that stood
in ro.s against ea%h of the .alls" He pretended to %on%entrate on a reply"
+fter a .hile he reali0ed that he .as staring at ro.s and ro.s of !ushels of
red plum tomatoes and gre. so intrigued !y the 2uestion of .hat !ushels
!rimming .ith red plum tomatoes .ere doing in a group %ommander1s offi%e
that he forgot %ompletely a!out the dis%ussion of prayer meetings until
Colonel Cath%art, in a genial digression, in2uired@
1;ould you li'e to !uy some, Chaplain5 They %ome right off the farm
Colonel >orn and # ha$e up in the hills" # %an let you ha$e a !ushel
.holesale"1
1(h, no, sir" # don1t thin' so"1
1That1s 2uite all right,1 the %olonel assured him li!erally" 1)ou don1t ha$e to"
Milo is glad to snap up all .e %an produ%e" These .ere pi%'ed only
yesterday" ,oti%e ho. firm and ripe they are, li'e a young girl1s !reasts"1
The %haplain !lushed, and the %olonel understood at on%e that he had
made a mista'e" He lo.ered his head in shame, his %um!ersome fa%e
!urning" His fingers felt gross and un.ieldy" He hated the %haplain
$enomously for !eing a %haplain and ma'ing a %oarse !lunder out of an
o!ser$ation that in any other %ir%umstan%es, he 'ne., .ould ha$e !een
%onsidered .itty and ur!ane" He tried misera!ly to re%all some means of
e4tri%ating them !oth from their de$astating em!arrassment" He re%alled
instead that the %haplain .as only a %aptain, and he straightened at on%e
.ith a sho%'ed and outraged gasp" His %hee's gre. tight .ith fury at the
thought that he had /ust !een duped into humiliation !y a man .ho .as
almost the same age as he .as and still only a %aptain, and he s.ung upon
the %haplain a$engingly .ith a loo' of su%h murderous antagonism that the
%haplain !egan to trem!le" The %olonel punished him sadisti%ally .ith a
long, glo.ering, malignant, hateful, silent stare"
1;e .ere spea'ing a!out something else,1 he reminded the %haplain
%uttingly at last" 1;e .ere not spea'ing a!out the firm, ripe !reasts of
!eautiful young girls !ut a!out something else entirely" ;e .ere spea'ing
a!out %ondu%ting religious ser$i%es in the !riefing room !efore ea%h
mission" #s there any reason .hy .e %an1t51
1,o, sir,1 the %haplain mum!led"
1Then .e1ll !egin .ith this afternoon1s mission"1 The %olonel1s hostility
softened gradually as he applied himself to details" 1,o., # .ant you to gi$e
a lot of thought to the 'ind of prayers .e1re going to say" # don1t .ant
anything hea$y or sad" #1d li'e you to 'eep it light and snappy, something
that .ill send the !oys out feeling pretty good" -o you 'no. .hat # mean5 #
don1t .ant any of this >ingdom of 6od or Falley of -eath stuff" That1s all too
negati$e" ;hat are you ma'ing su%h a sour fa%e for51
1#1m sorry, sir,1 the %haplain stammered" 1# happened to !e thin'ing of the
T.enty9third Psalm /ust as you said that"1
1Ho. does that one go51
1That1s the one you .ere /ust referring to, sir" GThe &ord is my shepherdA #
=G 1
1That1s the one # .as /ust referring to" #t1s out" ;hat else ha$e you got51
1 GSa$e me, ( 6odA for the .aters are %ome in unto ImashAG 1
1,o .aters,1 the %olonel de%ided, !lo.ing ruggedly into his %igarette holder
after flipping the !utt do.n into his %om!ed9!rass ash tray" 1;hy don1t .e
try something musi%al5 Ho. a!out the harps on the .illo.s51
1That has the ri$ers of 3a!ylon in it, sir,1 the %haplain replied" 1 G?there .e
sat do.n, yea, .e .ept, .hen .e remem!ered Dion"G 1
1Dion5 &et1s forget a!out that one right no." #1d li'e to 'no. ho. that one
e$en got in there" Ha$en1t you got anything humorous that stays a.ay from
.aters and $alleys and 6od5 #1d li'e to 'eep a.ay from the su!/e%t of
religion altogether if .e %an"1
The %haplain .as apologeti%" 1#1m sorry, sir, !ut /ust a!out all the prayers #
'no. are rather som!er in tone and ma'e at least some passing referen%e
to 6od"1
1Then let1s get some ne. ones" The men are already doing enough !it%hing
a!out the missions # send them on .ithout our ru!!ing it in .ith any
sermons a!out 6od or death or Paradise" ;hy %an1t .e ta'e a more
positi$e approa%h5 ;hy %an1t .e all pray for something good, li'e a tighter
!om! pattern, for e4ample5 Couldn1t .e pray for a tighter !om! pattern51
1;ell, yes, sir, # suppose so,1 the %haplain ans.ered hesitantly" 1)ou
.ouldn1t e$en need me if that1s all you .anted to do" )ou %ould do that
yourself"1
1# 'no. # %ould,1 the %olonel responded tartly" 13ut .hat do you thin' you1re
here for5 # %ould shop for my o.n food, too, !ut that1s Milo1s /o!, and that1s
.hy he1s doing it for e$ery group in the area" )our /o! is to lead us in
prayer, and from no. on you1re going to lead us in a prayer for a tighter
!om! pattern !efore e$ery mission" #s that %lear5 # thin' a tighter !om!
pattern is something really .orth praying for" #t .ill !e a feather in all our
%aps .ith 6eneral Pe%'em" 6eneral Pe%'em feels it ma'es a mu%h ni%er
aerial photograph .hen the !om!s e4plode %lose together"1
16eneral Pe%'em, sir51
1That1s right, Chaplain,1 the %olonel replied, %hu%'ling paternally at the
%haplain1s loo' of pu00lement" 1# .ouldn1t .ant this to get around, !ut it
loo's li'e 6eneral -reedle is finally on the .ay out and that 6eneral
Pe%'em is slated to repla%e him" 7ran'ly, #1m not going to !e sorry to see
that happen" 6eneral Pe%'em is a $ery good man, and # thin' .e1ll all !e
mu%h !etter off under him" (n the other hand, it might ne$er ta'e pla%e,
and .e1d still remain under 6eneral -reedle" 7ran'ly, # .ouldn1t !e sorry to
see that happen either, !e%ause 6eneral -reedle is another $ery good
man, and # thin' .e1ll all !e mu%h !etter off under him too" # hope you1re
going to 'eep all this under your hat, Chaplain" # .ouldn1t .ant either one to
get the idea # .as thro.ing my support on the side of the other"1
1)es, sir"1
1That1s good,1 the %olonel e4%laimed, and stood up /o$ially" 13ut all this
gossip isn1t getting us into ,he Saturday $vening .ost, eh, Chaplain5 &et1s
see .hat 'ind of pro%edure .e %an e$ol$e" #n%identally, Chaplain, not a
.ord a!out this !eforehand to Colonel >orn" :nderstand51
1)es, sir"1
Colonel Cath%art !egan tramping !a%' and forth refle%ti$ely in the narro.
%orridors left !et.een his !ushels of plum tomatoes and the des' and
.ooden %hairs in the %enter of the room" 1# suppose .e1ll ha$e to 'eep you
.aiting outside until the !riefing is o$er, !e%ause all that information is
%lassified" ;e %an slip you in .hile Ma/or -an!y is syn%hroni0ing the
.at%hes" # don1t thin' there1s anything se%ret a!out the right time" ;e1ll
allo%ate a!out a minute and a half for you in the s%hedule" ;ill a minute and
a half !e enough51
1)es, sir" #f it doesn1t in%lude the time ne%essary to e4%use the atheists from
the room and admit the enlisted men"1
Colonel Cath%art stopped in his tra%'s" 1;hat atheists51 he !ello.ed
defensi$ely, his .hole manner %hanging in a flash to one of $irtuous and
!elligerent denial" 1There are no atheists in my outfitB +theism is against the
la., isn1t it51
1,o, sir"1
1#t isn1t51 The %olonel .as surprised" 1Then it1s un9+meri%an, isn1t it51
1#1m not sure, sir,1 ans.ered the %haplain"
1;ell, # amB1 the %olonel de%lared" 1#1m not going to disrupt our religious
ser$i%es /ust to a%%ommodate a !un%h of lousy atheists" They1re getting no
spe%ial pri$ileges fiom me" They %an stay right .here they are and pray .ith
the rest of us" +nd .hat1s all this a!out enlisted men5 Just ho. the hell do
they get into this a%t51
The %haplain felt his fa%e flush" 1#1m sorry, sir" # /ust assumed you .ould
.ant the enlisted men to !e present, sin%e they .ould !e going along on
the same mission"1
1;ell, # don1t" They1$e got a 6od and a %haplain of their o.n, ha$en1t they51
1,o, sir"1
1;hat are you tal'ing a!out5 )ou mean they pray to the same 6od .e do51
1)es, sir"1
1+nd He listens51
1# thin' so, sir"1
1;ell, #1ll !e damned,1 remar'ed the %olonel, and he snorted to himself in
2ui00i%al amusement" His spirits drooped suddenly a moment later, and he
ran his hand ner$ously o$er his short, !la%', graying %urls" 1-o you really
thin' it1s a good idea to let the enlisted men in51 he as'ed .ith %on%ern"
1# should thin' it only proper, sir"1
1#1d li'e to 'eep them out,1 %onfided the %olonel, and !egan %ra%'ing his
'nu%'les sa$agely as he .andered !a%' and forth" 1(h, don1t get me .rong,
Chaplain" #t isn1t that # thin' the enlisted men are dirty, %ommon and inferior"
#t1s that .e /ust don1t ha$e enough room" 7ran'ly, though, #1d /ust as soon
the offi%ers and enlisted men didn1t fraterni0e in the !riefing room" They see
enough of ea%h other during the mission, it seems to me" Some of my $ery
!est friends are enlisted men, you understand, !ut that1s a!out as %lose as #
%are to let them %ome" Honestly no., Chaplain, you .ouldn1t .ant your
sister to marry an enlisted man, .ould you51
1My sister is an enlisted man, sir,1 the %haplain replied"
The %olonel stopped in his tra%'s again and eyed the %haplain sharply to
ma'e %ertain he .as not !eing ridi%uled" 1Just .hat do you mean !y that
remar', Chaplain5 +re you trying to !e funny51
1(h, no, sir,1 the %haplain hastened to e4plain .ith a loo' of e4%ru%iating
dis%omfort" 1She1s a master sergeant in the Marines"1
The %olonel had ne$er li'ed the %haplain and no. he loathed and distrusted
him" He e4perien%ed a 'een premonition of danger and .ondered if the
%haplain too .ere plotting against him, if the %haplain1s reti%ent,
unimpressi$e manner .ere really /ust a sinister disguise mas'ing a fiery
am!ition that, .ay do.n deep, .as %rafty and uns%rupulous" There .as
something funny a!out the %haplain, and the %olonel soon dete%ted .hat it
.as" The %haplain .as standing stiffly at attention, for the %olonel had
forgotten to put him at ease" &et him stay that .ay, the %olonel de%ided
$indi%ti$ely, /ust to sho. him .ho .as !oss and to safeguard himself
against any loss of dignity that might de$ol$e from his a%'no.ledging the
omission"
Colonel Cath%art .as dra.n hypnoti%ally to.ard the .indo. .ith a
massi$e, dull stare of moody introspe%tion" The enlisted men .ere al.ays
trea%herous, he de%ided" He loo'ed do.n.ard in mournful gloom at the
s'eet9shooting range he had ordered !uilt for the offi%ers on his
head2uarters staff, and he re%alled the mortifying afternoon 6eneral
-reedle had tongue9lashed him ruthlessly in front of Colonel >orn and
Ma/or -an!y and ordered him to thro. open the range to all the enlisted
men and offi%ers on %om!at duty" The s'eet9shooting range had !een a
real !la%' eye for him, Colonel Cath%art .as for%ed to %on%lude" He .as
positi$e that 6eneral -reedle had ne$er forgotten it, e$en though he .as
positi$e that 6eneral -reedle didn1t e$en remem!er it, .hi%h .as really
$ery un/ust, Colonel Cath%art lamented, sin%e the idea of a s'eet9shooting
range itself should ha$e !een a real feather in his %ap, e$en though it had
!een su%h a real !la%' eye" Colonel Cath%art .as helpless to assess
e4a%tly ho. mu%h ground he had gained or lost .ith his goddam s'eet9
shooting range and .ished that Colonel >orn .ere in his offi%e right then to
e$aluate the entire episode for him still one more time and assuage his
fears"
#t .as all $ery perple4ing, all $ery dis%ouraging" Colonel Cath%art too' the
%igarette holder out of his mouth, stood it on end inside the po%'et of his
shirt, and !egan gna.ing on the fingernails of !oth hands grie$ously"
$ery!ody .as against him, and he .as si%' to his soul that Colonel >orn
.as not .ith him in this moment of %risis to help him de%ide .hat to do
a!out the prayer meetings" He had almost no faith at all in the %haplain,
.ho .as still only a %aptain" 1-o you thin',1 he as'ed, 1that 'eeping the
enlisted men out might interfere .ith our %han%es of getting results51
The %haplain hesitated, feeling himself on unfamiliar ground again" 1)es,
sir,1 he replied finally" 1# thin' it1s %on%ei$a!le that su%h an a%tion %ould
interfere .ith your %han%es of ha$ing the prayers for a tighter !om! pattern
ans.ered"1
1# .asn1t e$en thin'ing a!out thatB1 %ried the %olonel, .ith his eyes !lin'ing
and splashing li'e puddles" 1)ou mean that 6od might e$en de%ide to
punish me !y gi$ing us alooser !om! pattern51
1)es, sir,1 said the %haplain" 1#t1s %on%ei$a!le He might"1
1The hell .ith it, then,1 the %olonel asserted in a huff of independen%e" 1#1m
not going to set these damned prayer meetings up /ust to ma'e
things #orse than they are"1 ;ith a s%ornful sni%'er, he settled himself
!ehind his des', repla%ed the empty %igarette holder in his mouth and
lapsed into parturient silen%e for a fe. moments" 1,o. # thin' a!out it,1 he
%onfessed, as mu%h to himself as to the %haplain, 1ha$ing the men pray to
6od pro!a!ly .asn1t su%h a hot idea any.ay" The editors of ,he Saturday
$vening .ost might not ha$e %o9operated"1
The %olonel a!andoned his pro/e%t .ith remorse, for he had %on%ei$ed it
entirely on his o.n and had hoped to un$eil it as a stri'ing demonstration to
e$eryone that he had no real need for Colonel >orn" (n%e it .as gone, he
.as glad to !e rid of it, for he had !een trou!led from the start !y the
danger of instituting the plan .ithout first %he%'ing it out .ith Colonel >orn"
He hea$ed an immense sigh of %ontentment" He had a mu%h higher opinion
of himself no. that his idea .as a!andoned, for he had made a $ery .ise
de%ision, he felt, and, most important, he had made this .ise de%ision
.ithout %onsulting Colonel >orn"
1;ill that !e all, sir51 as'ed the %haplain"
1)eah,1 said Colonel Cath%art" 1:nless you1$e got something else to
suggest"1
1,o, sir" (nly?1
The %olonel lifted his eyes as though affronted and studied the %haplain .ith
aloof distrust" 1(nly .hat, Chaplain51
1Sir,1 said the %haplain, 1some of the men are $ery upset sin%e you raised
the num!er of missions to si4ty" They1$e as'ed me to spea' to you a!out it"1
The %olonel .as silent" The %haplain1s fa%e reddened to the roots of his
sandy hair as he .aited" The %olonel 'ept him s2uirming a long time .ith a
fi4ed, uninterested loo' de$oid of all emotion"
1Tell them there1s a .ar going on,1 he ad$ised finally in a flat $oi%e"
1Than' you, sir, # .ill,1 the %haplain replied in a flood of gratitude !e%ause
the %olonel had finally said something" 1They .ere .ondering .hy you
%ouldn1t re2uisition some of the repla%ement %re.s that are .aiting in +fri%a
to ta'e their pla%es and then let them go home"1
1That1s an administrati$e matter,1 the %olonel said" 1#t1s none of their
!usiness"1 He pointed languidly to.ard the .all" 1Help yourself to a plum
tomato, Chaplain" 6o ahead, it1s on me"1
1Than' you, sir" Sir =1
1-on1t mention it" Ho. do you li'e li$ing out there in the .oods, Chaplain5 #s
e$erything hun'y dory51
1)es, sir"1
1That1s good" )ou get in tou%h .ith us if you need anything"1
1)es, sir" Than' you, sir" Sir =1
1Than's for dropping around, Chaplain" #1$e got some .or' to do no." )ou1ll
let me 'no. if you %an thin' of anything for getting our names into ,he
Saturday $vening .ost, .on1t you51
1)es, sir, # .ill"1 The %haplain !ra%ed himself .ith a prodigious effort of the
.ill and plunged ahead !ra0enly" 1#1m parti%ularly %on%erned a!out the
%ondition of one of the !om!ardiers, sir" )ossarian"1
The %olonel glan%ed up 2ui%'ly .ith a start of $ague re%ognition" 1;ho51 he
as'ed in alarm"
1)ossarian, sir"1
1)ossarian51
1)es, sir" )ossarian" He1s in a $ery !ad .ay, sir" #1m afraid he .on1t !e a!le
to suffer mu%h longer .ithout doing something desperate"1
1#s that a fa%t, Chaplain51
1)es, sir" #1m afraid it is"1
The %olonel thought a!out it in hea$y silen%e for a fe. moments" 1Tell him to
trust in 6od,1 he ad$ised finally"
1Than' you, sir,1 said the %haplain" 1# .ill"1
Corporal Whitcom)
The late9+ugust morning sun .as hot and steamy, and there .as no !ree0e
on the !al%ony" The %haplain mo$ed slo.ly" He .as do.n%ast and
!urdened .ith self9reproa%h .hen he stepped .ithout noise from the
%olonel1s offi%e on his ru!!er9soled and ru!!er9heeled !ro.n shoes" He
hated himself for .hat he %onstrued to !e his o.n %o.ardi%e" He had
intended to ta'e a mu%h stronger stand .ith Colonel Cath%art on the matter
of the si4ty missions, to spea' out .ith %ourage, logi% and elo2uen%e on a
su!/e%t a!out .hi%h he had !egun to feel $ery deeply" #nstead he had failed
misera!ly, had %ho'ed up on%e again in the fa%e of opposition from a
stronger personality" #t .as a familiar, ignominious e4perien%e, and his
opinion of himself .as lo."
He %ho'ed up e$en more a se%ond later .hen he spied Colonel >orn1s
tu!!y mono%hrome figure trotting up the %ur$ed, .ide, yello. stone
stair%ase to.ard him in la%'adaisi%al haste from the great dilapidated lo!!y
!elo. .ith its lofty .alls of %ra%'ed dar' mar!le and %ir%ular floor of %ra%'ed
grimy tile" The %haplain .as e$en more frightened of Colonel >orn than he
.as of Colonel Cath%art" The s.arthy, middle9aged lieutenant %olonel .ith
the rimless, i%y glasses and fa%eted, !ald, domeli'e pate that he .as
al.ays tou%hing sensiti$ely .ith the tips of his splayed fingers disli'ed the
%haplain and .as impolite to him fre2uently" He 'ept the %haplain in a
%onstant state of terror .ith his %urt, derisi$e tongue and his 'no.ing,
%yni%al eyes that the %haplain .as ne$er !ra$e enough to meet for more
than an a%%idental se%ond" #ne$ita!ly, the %haplain1s attention, as he
%o.ered mee'ly !efore him, fo%used on Colonel >orn1s midriff, .here the
shirttails !un%hing up from inside his sagging !elt and !allooning do.n o$er
his .aist ga$e him an appearan%e of slo$enly girth and made him seem
in%hes shorter than his middle height" Colonel >orn .as an untidy disdainful
man .ith an oily s'in and deep, hard lines running almost straight do.n
from his nose !et.een his %repus%ular /o.ls and his s2uare, %lefted %hin"
His fa%e .as dour, and he glan%ed at the %haplain .ithout re%ognition as
the t.o dre. %lose on the stair%ase and prepared to pass"
1Hiya, 7ather,1 he said tonelessly .ithout loo'ing at the %haplain" 1Ho.1s it
going51
16ood morning, sir,1 the %haplain replied, dis%erning .isely that Colonel
>orn e4pe%ted nothing more in the .ay of a response"
Colonel >orn .as pro%eeding up the stairs .ithout sla%'ening his pa%e, and
the %haplain resisted the temptation to remind him again that he .as not a
Catholi% !ut an +na!aptist, and that it .as therefore neither ne%essary nor
%orre%t to address him as 7ather" He .as almost %ertain no. that Colonel
>orn remem!ered and that %alling him 7ather .ith a loo' of su%h !land
inno%en%e .as /ust another one of Colonel >orn1s methods of taunting him
!e%ause he .as only an +na!aptist"
Colonel >orn halted .ithout .arning .hen he .as almost !y and %ame
.hirling !a%' do.n upon the %haplain .ith a glare of infuriated suspi%ion"
The %haplain .as petrified"
1;hat are you doing .ith that plum tomato, Chaplain51 Colonel >orn
demanded roughly"
The %haplain loo'ed do.n his arm .ith surprise at the plum tomato Colonel
Cath%art had in$ited him to ta'e" 1# got it in Colonel Cath%art1s offi%e, sir,1 he
managed to reply"
1-oes the %olonel 'no. you too' it51
1)es, sir" He ga$e it to me"1
1(h, in that %ase # guess it1s o'ay,1 Colonel >orn said, mollified" He smiled
.ithout .armth, /a!!ing the %rumpled folds of his shirt !a%' do.n inside his
trousers .ith his thum!s" His eyes glinted 'eenly .ith a pri$ate and
satisfying mis%hief" 1;hat did Colonel Cath%art .ant to see you a!out,
7ather51 he as'ed suddenly"
The %haplain .as tongue9tied .ith inde%ision for a moment" 1# don1t thin' #
ought =1
1Saying prayers to the editors of ,he Saturday $vening .ost"1
The %haplain almost smiled" 1)es, sir"1
Colonel >orn .as en%hanted .ith his o.n intuition" He laughed
disparagingly" 1)ou 'no., # .as afraid he1d !egin thin'ing a!out something
so ridi%ulous as soon as he sa. this .ee'1s Saturday $vening .ost" # hope
you su%%eeded in sho.ing him .hat an atro%ious idea it is"1
1He has de%ided against it, sir"1
1That1s good" #1m glad you %on$in%ed him that the editors of ,he Saturday
$vening .ost .ere not li'ely to run that same story t.i%e /ust to gi$e some
pu!li%ity to some o!s%ure %olonel" Ho. are things in the .ilderness,
7ather5 +re you a!le to manage out there51
1)es, sir" $erything is .or'ing out"1
1That1s good" #1m happy to hear you ha$e nothing to %omplain a!out" &et us
'no. if you need anything to ma'e you %omforta!le" ;e all .ant you to
ha$e a good time out there"1
1Than' you, sir" # .ill"1
,oise of a gro.ing stir rose from the lo!!y !elo." #t .as almost lun%htime,
and the earliest arri$als .ere drifting into the head2uarters mess halls, the
enlisted men and offi%ers separating into different dining halls on fa%ing
sides of the ar%hai% rotunda" Colonel >orn stopped smiling"
1)ou had lun%h .ith us here /ust a day or so ago, didn1t you, 7ather51 he
as'ed meaningfully"
1)es, sir" The day !efore yesterday"1
1That1s .hat # thought,1 Colonel >orn said, and paused to let his point sin'
in" 1;ell, ta'e it easy, 7ather" #1ll see you around .hen it1s time for you to eat
here again"1
1Than' you, sir"1
The %haplain .as not %ertain at .hi%h of the fi$e offi%ers1 and fi$e enlisted
men1s mess halls he .as s%heduled to ha$e lun%h that day, for the system
of rotation .or'ed out for him !y Colonel >orn .as %ompli%ated, and he had
forgotten his re%ords !a%' in his tent" The %haplain .as the only offi%er
atta%hed to 6roup Head2uarters .ho did not reside in the moldering red9
stone 6roup Head2uarters !uilding itself or in any of the smaller satellite
stru%tures that rose a!out the grounds in dis/un%ted relationship" The
%haplain li$ed in a %learing in the .oods a!out four miles a.ay !et.een the
offi%ers1 %lu! and the first of the four s2uadron areas that stret%hed a.ay
from 6roup Head2uarters in a distant line" The %haplain li$ed alone in a
spa%ious, s2uare tent that .as also his offi%e" Sounds of re$elry tra$eled to
him at night from the offi%ers1 %lu! and 'ept him a.a'e often as he turned
and tossed on his %ot in passi$e, half9$oluntary e4ile" He .as not a!le to
gauge the effe%t of the mild pills he too' o%%asionally to help him sleep and
felt guilty a!out it for days after.ard"
The only one .ho li$ed .ith the %haplain in his %learing in the .oods .as
Corporal ;hit%om!, his assistant" Corporal ;hit%om!, an atheist, .as a
disgruntled su!ordinate .ho felt he %ould do the %haplain1s /o! mu%h !etter
than the %haplain .as doing it and $ie.ed himself, therefore, as an
underpri$ileged $i%tim of so%ial ine2uity" He li$ed in a tent of his o.n as
spa%ious and s2uare as the %haplain1s" He .as openly rude and
%ontemptuous to the %haplain on%e he dis%o$ered that the %haplain .ould
let him get a.ay .ith it" The !orders of the t.o tents in the %learing stood
no more than four or fi$e feet apart"
#t .as Colonel >orn .ho had mapped out this .ay of life for the %haplain"
(ne good reason for ma'ing the %haplain li$e outside the 6roup
Head2uarters !uilding .as Colonel >orn1s theory that d.elling in a tent as
most of his parishioners did .ould !ring him into %loser %ommuni%ation .ith
them" +nother good reason .as the fa%t that ha$ing the %haplain around
Head2uarters all the time made the other offi%ers un%omforta!le" #t .as one
thing to maintain liaison .ith the &ord, and they .ere all in fa$or of thatA it
.as something else, though, to ha$e Him hanging around t.enty9four hours
a day" +ll in all, as Colonel >orn des%ri!ed it to Ma/or -an!y, the /ittery and
goggle9eyed group operations offi%er, the %haplain had it pretty softA he had
little more to do than listen to the trou!les of others, !ury the dead, $isit the
!edridden and %ondu%t religious ser$i%es" +nd there .ere not so many
dead for him to !ury any more, Colonel >orn pointed out, sin%e opposition
from 6erman fighter planes had $irtually %eased and sin%e %lose to ninety
per %ent of .hat fatalities there still .ere, he estimated, perished !ehind the
enemy lines or disappeared inside the %louds, .here the %haplain had
nothing to do .ith disposing of the remains" The religious ser$i%es .ere
%ertainly no great strain, either, sin%e they .ere %ondu%ted only on%e a
.ee' at the 6roup Head2uarters !uilding and .ere attended !y $ery fe. of
the men"
+%tually, the %haplain .as learning to lo$e it in his %learing in the .oods"
3oth he and Corporal ;hit%om! had !een pro$ided .ith e$ery %on$enien%e
so that neither might e$er plead dis%omfort as a !asis for see'ing
permission to return to the Head2uarters !uilding" The %haplain rotated his
!rea'fasts, lun%hes and dinners in separate sets among the eight s2uadron
mess halls and ate e$ery fifth meal in the enlisted men1s mess at 6roup
Head2uarters and e$ery tenth meal at the offi%ers1 mess there" 3a%' home
in ;is%onsin the %haplain had !een $ery fond of gardening, and his heart
.elled .ith a glorious impression of fertility and fruition ea%h time he
%ontemplated the lo., pri%'ly !oughs of the stunted trees and the .aist9
high .eeds and thi%'ets !y .hi%h he .as almost .alled in" #n the spring he
had longed to plant !egonias and 0innias in a narro. !ed around his tent
!ut had !een deterred !y his fear of Corporal ;hit%om!1s ran%or" The
%haplain relished the pri$a%y and isolation of his $erdant surroundings and
the re$erie and meditation that li$ing there fostered" 7e.er people %ame to
him .ith their trou!les than formerly, and he allo.ed himself a measure of
gratitude for that too" The %haplain did not mi4 freely and .as not
%omforta!le in %on$ersation" He missed his .ife and his three small
%hildren, and she missed him"
;hat displeased Corporal ;hit%om! most a!out the %haplain, apart from
the fa%t that the %haplain !elie$ed in 6od, .as his la%' of initiati$e and
aggressi$eness" Corporal ;hit%om! regarded the lo. attendan%e at
religious ser$i%es as a sad refle%tion of his o.n status" His mind germinated
fe$erishly .ith %hallenging ne. ideas for spar'ing the great spiritual re$i$al
of .hi%h he dreamed himself the ar%hite%t = !o4 lun%hes, %hur%h so%ials,
form letters to the families of men 'illed and in/ured in %om!at, %ensorship,
3ingo" 3ut the %haplain !lo%'ed him" Corporal ;hit%om! !ridled .ith
$e4ation !eneath the %haplain1s restraint, for he spied room for
impro$ement e$ery.here" #t .as people li'e the %haplain, he %on%luded,
.ho .ere responsi!le for gi$ing religion su%h a !ad name and ma'ing
pariahs out of them !oth" :nli'e the %haplain, Corporal ;hit%om! detested
the se%lusion of the %learing in the .oods" (ne of the first things he
intended to do after he deposed the %haplain .as mo$e !a%' into the 6roup
Head2uarters !uilding, .here he %ould !e right in the thi%' of things"
;hen the %haplain dro$e !a%' into the %learing after lea$ing Colonel >orn,
Corporal ;hit%om! .as outside in the muggy ha0e tal'ing in %onspiratorial
tones to a strange %hu!!y man in a maroon %orduroy !athro!e and gray
flannel pa/amas" The %haplain re%ogni0ed the !athro!e and pa/amas as
offi%ial hospital attire" ,either of the t.o men ga$e him any sign of
re%ognition" The stranger1s gums had !een painted purpleA his %orduroy
!athro!e .as de%orated in !a%' .ith a pi%ture of a 39<5 nosing through
orange !ursts of fla' and in front .ith si4 neat ro.s of tiny !om!s signifying
si4ty %om!at missions flo.n" The %haplain .as so stru%' !y the sight that
he stopped to stare" 3oth men !ro'e off their %on$ersation and .aited in
stony silen%e for him to go" The %haplain hurried inside his tent" He heard,
or imagined he heard, them tittering"
Corporal ;hit%om! .al'ed in a moment later and demanded, 1;hat1s
doing51
1There isn1t anything ne.,1 the %haplain replied .ith a$erted eyes" 1;as
anyone here to see me51
1Just that %ra%'pot )ossarian again" He1s a real trou!lema'er, isn1t he51
1#1m not so sure he1s a %ra%'pot,1 the %haplain o!ser$ed"
1That1s right, ta'e his part,1 said Corporal ;hit%om! in an in/ured tone, and
stamped out"
The %haplain %ould not !elie$e that Corporal ;hit%om! .as offended again
and had really .al'ed out" +s soon as he did reali0e it, Corporal ;hit%om!
.al'ed !a%' in"
1)ou al.ays side .ith other people,1 Corporal ;hit%om! a%%used" 1)ou don1t
!a%' up your men" That1s one of the things that1s .rong .ith you"1
1# didn1t intend to side .ith him,1 the %haplain apologi0ed" 1# .as /ust ma'ing
a statement"1
1;hat did Colonel Cath%art .ant51
1#t .asn1t anything important" He /ust .anted to dis%uss the possi!ility of
saying prayers in the !riefing room !efore ea%h mission"1
1+ll right, don1t tell me,1 Corporal ;hit%om! snapped and .al'ed out again"
The %haplain felt terri!le" ,o matter ho. %onsiderate he tried to !e, it
seemed he al.ays managed to hurt Corporal ;hit%om!1s feelings" He
ga0ed do.n remorsefully and sa. that the orderly for%ed upon him !y
Colonel >orn to 'eep his tent %lean and attend to his !elongings had
negle%ted to shine his shoes again"
Corporal ;hit%om! %ame !a%' in" 1)ou ne$er trust me .ith information,1 he
.hined tru%ulently" 1)ou don1t ha$e %onfiden%e in your men" That1s another
one of the things that1s .rong .ith you"1
1)es, # do,1 the %haplain assured him guiltily" 1# ha$e lots of %onfiden%e in
you"1
1Then ho. a!out those letters51
1,o, not no.,1 the %haplain pleaded, %ringing" 1,ot the letters" Please don1t
!ring that up again" #1ll let you 'no. if # ha$e a %hange of mind"1
Corporal ;hit%om! loo'ed furious" 1#s that so5 ;ell, it1s all right for you to
/ust sit there and sha'e your head .hile # do all the .or'" -idn1t you see the
guy outside .ith all those pi%tures painted on his !athro!e51
1#s he here to see me51
1,o,1 Corporal ;hit%om! said, and .al'ed out"
#t .as hot and humid inside the tent, and the %haplain felt himself turning
damp" He listened li'e an un.illing ea$esdropper to the muffled,
indistinguisha!le drone of the lo.ered $oi%es outside" +s he sat inertly at
the ri%'ety !ridge ta!le that ser$ed as a des', his lips .ere %losed, his eyes
.ere !lan', and his fa%e, .ith its pale o%hre hue and an%ient, %onfined
%lusters of minute a%ne pits, had the %olor and te4ture of an un%ra%'ed
almond shell" He ra%'ed his memory for some %lue to the origin of Corporal
;hit%om!1s !itterness to.ard him" #n some .ay he .as una!le to fathom,
he .as %on$in%ed he had done him some unforgi$a!le .rong" #t seemed
in%redi!le that su%h lasting ire as Corporal ;hit%om!1s %ould ha$e stemmed
from his re/e%tion of 3ingo or the form letters home to the families of the
men 'illed in %om!at" The %haplain .as despondent .ith an a%%eptan%e of
his o.n ineptitude" He had intended for some .ee's to ha$e a heart9to9
heart tal' .ith Corporal ;hit%om! in order to find out .hat .as !othering
him, !ut .as already ashamed of .hat he might find out"
(utside the tent, Corporal ;hit%om! sni%'ered" The other man %hu%'led"
7or a fe. pre%arious se%onds, the %haplain tingled .ith a .eird, o%%ult
sensation of ha$ing e4perien%ed the identi%al situation !efore in some prior
time or e4isten%e" He endea$ored to trap and nourish the impression in
order to predi%t, and perhaps e$en %ontrol, .hat in%ident .ould o%%ur ne4t,
!ut the afatus melted a.ay unprodu%ti$ely, as he had 'no.n !eforehand it
.ould" D123 vu" The su!tle, re%urring %onfusion !et.een illusion and reality
that .as %hara%teristi% of paramnesia fas%inated the %haplain, and he 'ne.
a num!er of things a!out it" He 'ne., for e4ample, that it .as %alled
paramnesia, and he .as interested as .ell in su%h %orollary opti%al
phenomena as 2amais vu, ne$er seen, and pres4ue vu, almost seen" There
.ere terrifying, sudden moments .hen o!/e%ts, %on%epts and e$en people
that the %haplain had li$ed .ith almost all his life ine4pli%a!ly too' on an
unfamiliar and irregular aspe%t that he had ne$er seen !efore and .hi%h
made them totally strange@ 2amais vu" +nd there .ere other moments .hen
he almost sa. a!solute truth in !rilliant flashes of %larity that almost %ame
to him@ pres4ue vu. The episode of the na'ed man in the tree at Sno.den1s
funeral mystified him thoroughly" #t .as not d123 vu, for at the time he had
e4perien%ed no sensation of e$er ha$ing seen a na'ed man in a tree at
Sno.den1s funeral !efore" #t .as not 2amais vu, sin%e the apparition .as
not of someone, or something, familiar appearing to him in an unfamiliar
guise" +nd it .as %ertainly not pres4ue vu, for the %haplain did see him"
+ /eep started up .ith a !a%'fire dire%tly outside and roared a.ay" Had the
na'ed man in the tree at Sno.den1s funeral !een merely a hallu%ination5
(r had it !een a true re$elation5 The %haplain trem!led at the mere idea"
He .anted desperately to %onfide in )ossarian, !ut ea%h time he thought
a!out the o%%urren%e he de%ided not to thin' a!out it any further, although
no. that he did thin' a!out it he %ould not !e sure that he e$er
really had thought a!out it"
Corporal ;hit%om! sauntered !a%' in .earing a shiny ne. smir' and
leaned his el!o. impertinently against the %enter pole of the %haplain1s tent"
1-o you 'no. .ho that guy in the red !athro!e .as51 he as'ed !oastfully"
1That .as a C"#"-" man .ith a fra%tured nose" He %ame do.n here from the
hospital on offi%ial !usiness" He1s %ondu%ting an in$estigation"1
The %haplain raised his eyes 2ui%'ly in o!se2uious %ommiseration" 1# hope
you1re not in any trou!le" #s there anything # %an do51
1,o, #1m not in any trou!le,1 Corporal ;hit%om! replied .ith a grin" 1)ou are"
They1re going to %ra%' do.n on you for signing ;ashington #r$ing1s name to
all those letters you1$e !een signing ;ashington #r$ing1s name to" Ho. do
you li'e that51
1# ha$en1t !een signing ;ashington #r$ing1s name to any letters,1 said the
%haplain"
1)ou don1t ha$e to lie to me,1 Corporal ;hit%om! ans.ered" 1#1m not the one
you ha$e to %on$in%e"1
13ut #1m not lying"1
1# don1t %are .hether you1re lying or not" They1re going to get you for
inter%epting Ma/or Ma/or1s %orresponden%e, too" + lot of that stuff is
%lassified information"1
1;hat %orresponden%e51 as'ed the %haplain plainti$ely in rising
e4asperation" 1#1$e ne$er e$en seen any of Ma/or Ma/or1s %orresponden%e"1
1)ou don1t ha$e to lie to me,1 Corporal ;hit%om! replied" 1#1m not the one
you ha$e to %on$in%e"1
13ut #1m not lyingB1 protested the %haplain"
1# don1t see .hy you ha$e to shout at me,1 Corporal ;hit%om! retorted .ith
an in/ured loo'" He %ame a.ay from the %enter pole and shoo' his finger at
the %haplain for emphasis" 1# /ust did you the !iggest fa$or any!ody e$er did
you in your .hole life, and you don1t e$en reali0e it" $ery time he tries to
report you to his superiors, some!ody up at the hospital %ensors out the
details" He1s !een going !atty for .ee's trying to turn you in" # /ust put a
%ensor1s o'ay on his letter .ithout e$en reading it" That .ill ma'e a $ery
good impression for you up at C"#"-" head2uarters" #t .ill let them 'no. that
.e1re not the least !it afraid to ha$e the .hole truth a!out you %ome out"1
The %haplain .as reeling .ith %onfusion" 13ut you aren1t authori0ed to
%ensor letters, are you51
1(f %ourse not,1 Corporal ;hit%om! ans.ered" 1(nly offi%ers are e$er
authori0ed to do that" # %ensored it in your name"1
13ut #1m not authori0ed to %ensor letters either" +m #51
1# too' %are of that for you, too,1 Corporal ;hit%om! assured him" 1# signed
some!ody else1s name for you"1
1#sn1t that forgery51
1(h, don1t .orry a!out that either" The only one .ho might %omplain in a
%ase of forgery is the person .hose name you forged, and # loo'ed out for
your interests !y pi%'ing a dead man" # used ;ashington #r$ing1s name"1
Corporal ;hit%om! s%rutini0ed the %haplain1s fa%e %losely for some sign of
re!ellion and then !ree0ed ahead %onfidently .ith %on%ealed irony" 1That
.as pretty 2ui%' thin'ing on my part, .asn1t it51
1# don1t 'no.,1 the %haplain .ailed softly in a 2ua$ering $oi%e, s2uinting .ith
grotes2ue %ontortions of anguish and in%omprehension" 1# don1t thin' #
understand all you1$e !een telling me" Ho. .ill it ma'e a good impression
for me if you signed ;ashington #r$ing1s name instead of my o.n51
13e%ause they1re %on$in%ed that you are ;ashington #r$ing" -on1t you see5
They1ll 'no. it .as you"1
13ut isn1t that the $ery !elief .e .ant to dispel5 ;on1t this help them pro$e
it51
1#f # thought you .ere going to !e so stuffy a!out it, # .ouldn1t e$en ha$e
tried to help,1 Corporal ;hit%om! de%lared indignantly, and .al'ed out" +
se%ond later he .al'ed !a%' in" 1# /ust did you the !iggest fa$or any!ody
e$er did you in your .hole life and you don1t e$en 'no. it" )ou don1t 'no.
ho. to sho. your appre%iation" That1s another one of the things that1s
.rong .ith you"1
1#1m sorry,1 the %haplain apologi0ed %ontritely" 1# really am sorry" #t1s /ust that
#1m so %ompletely stunned !y all you1re telling me that # don1t e$en reali0e
.hat #1m saying" #1m really $ery grateful to you"1
1Then ho. a!out letting me send out those form letters51 Corporal
;hit%om! demanded immediately" 1Can # !egin .or'ing on the first drafts51
The %haplain1s /a. dropped in astonishment" 1,o, no,1 he groaned" 1,ot
no."1
Corporal ;hit%om! .as in%ensed" 1#1m the !est friend you1$e got and you
don1t e$en 'no. it,1 he asserted !elligerently, and .al'ed out of the
%haplain1s tent" He .al'ed !a%' in" 1#1m on your side and you don1t e$en
reali0e it" -on1t you 'no. .hat serious trou!le you1re in5 That C"#"-" man
has gone rushing !a%' to the hospital to .rite a !rand9ne. report on you
a!out that tomato"1
1;hat tomato51 the %haplain as'ed, !lin'ing"
1The plum tomato you .ere hiding in your hand .hen you first sho.ed up
here" There it is" The tomato you1re still holding in your hand right this $ery
minuteB1
The %aptain un%len%hed his fingers .ith surprise and sa. that he .as still
holding the plum tomato he had o!tained in Colonel Cath%art1s offi%e" He
set it do.n 2ui%'ly on the !ridge ta!le" 1# got this tomato from Colonel
Cath%art,1 he said, and .as stru%' !y ho. ludi%rous his e4planation
sounded" 1He insisted # ta'e it"1
1)ou don1t ha$e to lie to me,1 Corporal ;hit%om! ans.ered" 1# don1t %are
.hether you stole it from him or not"1
1Stole it51 the %haplain e4%laimed .ith ama0ement" 1;hy should # .ant to
steal a plum tomato51
1That1s e4a%tly .hat had us !oth stumped,1 said Corporal ;hit%om!" 1+nd
then the C"#"-" man figured out you might ha$e some important se%ret
papers hidden a.ay inside it"1
The %haplain sagged limply !eneath the mountainous .eight of his despair"
1# don1t ha$e any important se%ret papers hidden a.ay inside it,1 he stated
simply" 1# didn1t e$en .ant it to !egin .ith" Here, you %an ha$e it and see for
yourself"1
1# don1t .ant it"1
1Please ta'e it a.ay,1 the %haplain pleaded in a $oi%e that .as !arely
audi!le" 1# .ant to !e rid of it"1
1# don1t .ant it,1 Corporal ;hit%om! snapped again, and stal'ed out .ith an
angry fa%e, suppressing a smile of great /u!ilation at ha$ing forged a
po.erful ne. allian%e .ith the C"#"-" man and at ha$ing su%%eeded again in
%on$in%ing the %haplain that he .as really displeased"
Poor ;hit%om!, sighed the %haplain, and !lamed himself for his assistant1s
malaise" He sat mutely in a ponderous, stultifying melan%holy, .aiting
e4pe%tantly for Corporal ;hit%om! to .al' !a%' in" He .as disappointed as
he heard the peremptory %run%h of Corporal ;hit%om!1s footsteps re%ede
into silen%e" There .as nothing he .anted to do ne4t" He de%ided to pass
up lun%h for a Mil'y ;ay and a 3a!y *uth from his foot lo%'er and a fe.
s.allo.s of lu'e9.arm .ater from his %anteen" He felt himself surrounded
!y dense, o$er.helming fogs of possi!ilities in .hi%h he %ould per%ei$e no
glimmer of light" He dreaded .hat Colonel Cath%art .ould thin' .hen the
ne.s that he .as suspe%ted of !eing ;ashington #r$ing .as !rought to
him, then fell to fretting o$er .hat Colonel Cath%art .as already thin'ing
a!out him for e$en ha$ing !roa%hed the su!/e%t of si4ty missions" There
.as so mu%h unhappiness in the .orld, he refle%ted, !o.ing his head
dismally !eneath the tragi% thought, and there .as nothing he %ould do
a!out any!ody1s, least of all his o.n"
*eneral "ree$le
Colonel Cath%art .as not thin'ing anything at all a!out the %haplain, !ut
.as tangled up in a !rand9ne., mena%ing pro!lem of his o.n@ 5ossarian
5ossarian The mere sound of that e4e%ra!le, ugly name made his !lood
run %old and his !reath %ome in la!ored gasps" The %haplain1s first mention
of the name5ossarian had tolled deep in his memory li'e a portentous
gong" +s soon as the lat%h of the door had %li%'ed shut, the .hole
humiliating re%olle%tion of the na'ed man in formation %ame %as%ading
do.n upon him in a mortifying, %ho'ing flood of stinging details" He !egan
to perspire and trem!le" There .as a sinister and unli'ely %oin%iden%e
e4posed that .as too dia!oli%al in impli%ation to !e anything less than the
most hideous of omens" The name of the man .ho had stood na'ed in
ran's that day to re%ei$e his -istinguished 7lying Cross from 6eneral
-reedle had also !een = 5ossarian +nd no. it .as a man named
)ossarian .ho .as threatening to ma'e trou!le o$er the si4ty missions he
had /ust ordered the men in his group to fly" Colonel Cath%art .ondered
gloomily if it .as the same )ossarian"
He %lim!ed to his feet .ith an air of intolera!le .oe and !egan mo$ing
a!out his offi%e" He felt himself in the presen%e of the mysterious" The
na'ed man in formation, he %on%eded %heerlessly, had !een a real !la%'
eye for him" So had the tampering .ith the !om! line !efore the mission to
3ologna and the se$en9day delay in destroying the !ridge at 7errara, e$en
though destroying the !ridge at 7errara finally, he remem!ered .ith glee,
had !een a real feather in his %ap, although losing a plane there the se%ond
time around, he re%alled in de/e%tion, had !een another !la%' eye, e$en
though he had .on another real feather in his %ap !y getting a medal
appro$ed for the !om!ardier .ho had gotten him the real !la%' eye in the
first pla%e !y going around o$er the target t.i%e" That !om!ardier1s name,
he remem!ered suddenly .ith another stupefying sho%', had also
!een 5ossarian ,o. there .ere three His $is%ous eyes !ulged .ith
astonishment and he .hipped himself around in alarm to see .hat .as
ta'ing pla%e !ehind him" + moment ago there had !een no )ossarians in
his lifeA no. they .ere multiplying li'e ho!go!lins" He tried to ma'e himself
gro. %alm" )ossarian .as not a %ommon nameA perhaps there .ere not
really three )ossarians !ut only t.o )ossarians, or may!e e$en only one
)ossarian = but that really made no difference The %olonel .as still in
gra$e peril" #ntuition .arned him that he .as dra.ing %lose to some
immense and ins%ruta!le %osmi% %lima4, and his !road, meaty, to.ering
frame tingled from head to toe at the thought that )ossarian, .hoe$er he
.ould e$entually turn out to !e, .as destined to ser$e as his nemesis"
Colonel Cath%art .as not superstitious, !ut he did !elie$e in omens, and he
sat right !a%' do.n !ehind his des' and made a %rypti% notation on his
memorandum pad to loo' into the .hole suspi%ious !usiness of the
)ossarians right a.ay" He .rote his reminder to himself in a hea$y and
de%isi$e hand, amplifying it sharply .ith a series of %oded pun%tuation
mar's and underlining the .hole message t.i%e, so that it read@
+ossarian, , , -./,
The %olonel sat !a%' .hen he had finished and .as e4tremely pleased .ith
himself for the prompt a%tion he had /ust ta'en to meet this sinister
%risis" 5ossarian = the $ery sight of the name made him shudder" There
.ere so many esses in it" #t /ust had to !e su!$ersi$e" #t .as li'e the
.ord subversive itself" #t .as li'e seditious andinsidious too, and
li'e socialist, suspicious, fascist and 'ommunist. #t .as an odious, alien,
distasteful name, that /ust did not inspire %onfiden%e" #t .as not at all li'e
su%h %lean, %risp, honest, +meri%an names as Cath%art, Pe%'em and
-reedle"
Colonel Cath%art rose slo.ly and !egan drifting a!out his offi%e again"
+lmost un%ons%iously, he pi%'ed up a plum tomato from the top of one of
the !ushels and too' a $ora%ious !ite" He made a .ry fa%e at on%e and
thre. the rest of the plum tomato into his .aste9!as'et" The %olonel did not
li'e plum tomatoes, not e$en .hen they .ere his o.n, and these .ere not
e$en his o.n" These had !een pur%hased in different mar'et pla%es all o$er
Pianosa !y Colonel >orn under $arious identities, mo$ed up to the %olonel1s
farmhouse in the hills in the dead of night, and transported do.n to 6roup
Head2uarters the ne4t morning for sale to Milo, .ho paid Colonel Cath%art
and Colonel >orn premium pri%es for them" Colonel Cath%art often
.ondered if .hat they .ere doing .ith the plum tomatoes .as legal, !ut
Colonel >orn said it .as, and he tried not to !rood a!out it too often" He
had no .ay of 'no.ing .hether or not the house in the hills .as legal,
either, sin%e Colonel >orn had made all the arrangements" Colonel Cath%art
did not 'no. if he o.ned the house or rented it, from .hom he had
a%2uired it or ho. mu%h, if anything, it .as %osting" Colonel >orn .as the
la.yer, and if Colonel >orn assured him that fraud, e4tortion, %urren%y
manipulation, em!e00lement, in%ome ta4 e$asion and !la%'9mar'et
spe%ulations .ere legal, Colonel Cath%art .as in no position to disagree
.ith him"
+ll Colonel Cath%art 'ne. a!out his house in the hills .as that he had su%h
a house and hated it" He .as ne$er so !ored as .hen spending there the
t.o or three days e$ery other .ee' ne%essary to sustain the illusion that his
damp and drafty stone farmhouse in the hills .as a golden pala%e of %arnal
delights" (ffi%ers1 %lu!s e$ery.here pulsated .ith !lurred !ut 'no.ing
a%%ounts of la$ish, hushed9up drin'ing and se4 orgies there and of se%ret,
intimate nights of e%stasy .ith the most !eautiful, the most tantali0ing, the
most readily aroused and most easily satisfied #talian %ourtesans, film
a%tresses, models and %ountesses" ,o su%h pri$ate nights of e%stasy or
hushed9up drin'ing and se4 orgies e$er o%%urred" They might ha$e
o%%urred if either 6eneral -reedle or 6eneral Pe%'em had on%e e$in%ed an
interest in ta'ing part in orgies .ith him, !ut neither e$er did, and the
%olonel .as %ertainly not going to .aste his time and energy ma'ing lo$e to
!eautiful .omen unless there .as something in it for him"
The %olonel dreaded his dan' lonely nights at his farmhouse and the dull,
une$entful days" He had mu%h more fun !a%' at 6roup, !ro.!eating
e$eryone he .asn1t afraid of" Ho.e$er, as Colonel >orn 'ept reminding
him, there .as not mu%h glamour in ha$ing a farmhouse in the hills if he
ne$er used it" He dro$e off to his farmhouse ea%h time in a mood of self9
pity" He %arried a shotgun in his /eep and spent the monotonous hours
there shooting it at !irds and at the plum tomatoes that did gro. there in
untended ro.s and .ere too mu%h trou!le to har$est"
+mong those offi%ers of inferior ran' to.ard .hom Colonel Cath%art still
deemed it prudent to sho. respe%t, he in%luded Ma/or 9 de Co$erley, e$en
though he did not .ant to and .as not sure he e$en had to" Ma/or 9 de
Co$erley .as as great a mystery to him as he .as to Ma/or Ma/or and to
e$eryone else .ho e$er too' noti%e of him" Colonel Cath%art had no idea
.hether to loo' up or loo' do.n in his attitude to.ard Ma/or 9 de Co$erley"
Ma/or 9 de Co$erley .as only a ma/or, e$en though he .as ages older than
Colonel Cath%artA at the same time, so many other people treated Ma/or 9
de Co$erley .ith su%h profound and fearful $eneration that Colonel
Cath%art had a hun%h they might 'no. something" Ma/or 9 de Co$erley .as
an ominous, in%omprehensi!le presen%e .ho 'ept him %onstantly on edge
and of .hom e$en Colonel >orn tended to !e .ary" $eryone .as afraid of
him, and no one 'ne. .hy" ,o one e$en 'ne. Ma/or 9 de Co$erley1s first
name, !e%ause no one had e$er had the temerity to as' him" Colonel
Cath%art 'ne. that Ma/or 9 de Co$erley .as a.ay and he re/oi%ed in his
a!sen%e until it o%%urred to him that Ma/or 9 de Co$erley might !e a.ay
some.here %onspiring against him, and then he .ished that Ma/or 9 de
Co$erley .ere !a%' in his s2uadron .here he !elonged so that he %ould !e
.at%hed"
#n a little .hile Colonel Cath%art1s ar%hes !egan to a%he from pa%ing !a%'
and forth so mu%h" He sat do.n !ehind his des' again and resol$ed to
em!ar' upon a mature and systemati% e$aluation of the entire military
situation" ;ith the !usinessli'e air of a man .ho 'no.s ho. to get things
done, he found a large .hite pad, dre. a straight line do.n the middle and
%rossed it near the top, di$iding the page into t.o !lan' %olumns of e2ual
.idth" He rested a moment in %riti%al rumination" Then he huddled o$er his
des', and at the head of the left %olumn, in a %ramped and fini%'y hand, he
.rote, '6lack $yes' +t the top of the right %olumn he .rote, '7eathers in
My 'ap ' He leaned !a%' on%e more to inspe%t his %hart admiringly from
an o!/e%ti$e perspe%ti$e" +fter a fe. se%onds of solemn deli!eration, he
li%'ed the tip of his pen%il %arefully and .rote under '6lack $yes,' after
intent inter$als@
7errara
3ologna N!om! line mo$ed on map duringO
S'eet range
,a'ed man information Nafter +$ignonO
Then he added@
7ood poisoning Nduring 3olognaO
and
Moaning Nepidemi% of during +$ignon !riefingO
Then he added@
Chaplain Nhanging around offi%ers1 %lu! e$ery nightO
He de%ided to !e %harita!le a!out the %haplain, e$en though he did not li'e
him, and under '7eathers in My 'ap ' he .rote@
Chaplain Nhanging around offi%ers1 %lu! e$ery nightO
The t.o %haplain entries, therefore, neutrali0ed ea%h other"
+longside '7errara' and ')aked man in formation 8after %vignon9' he then
.rote@
)ossarianB
+longside '6ologna 8bomb line moved on map during9', '7ood poisoning
8during 6ologna9' and 'Moaning 8epidemic of during %vignon briefing9' he
.rote in a !old, de%isi$e hand@
5
Those entries la!eled 151 .ere the ones he .anted to in$estigate
immediately to determine if )ossarian had played any part in them"
Suddenly his arm !egan to sha'e, and he .as una!le to .rite any more" He
rose to his feet in terror, feeling sti%'y and fat, and rushed to the open
.indo. to gulp in fresh air" His ga0e fell on the s'eet9range, and he reeled
a.ay .ith a sharp %ry of distress, his .ild and fe$erish eyes s%anning the
.alls of his offi%e franti%ally as though they .ere s.arming .ith )ossarians"
,o!ody lo$ed him" 6eneral -reedle hated him, although 6eneral Pe%'em
li'ed him, although he %ouldn1t !e sure, sin%e Colonel Cargill, 6eneral
Pe%'em1s aide, undou!tedly had am!itions of his o.n and .as pro!a!ly
sa!otaging him .ith 6eneral Pe%'em at e$ery opportunity" The only good
%olonel, he de%ided, .as a dead %olonel, e4%ept for himself" The only
%olonel he trusted .as Colonel Moodus, and e$en he had an in .ith his
father9in9la." Milo, of %ourse, had !een the !ig feather in his %ap, although
ha$ing his group !om!ed !y Milo1s planes had pro!a!ly !een a terri!le
!la%' eye for him, e$en though Milo had ultimately stilled all protest !y
dis%losing the huge net profit the syndi%ate had reali0ed on the deal .ith the
enemy and %on$in%ing e$eryone that !om!ing his o.n men and planes had
therefore really !een a %ommenda!le and $ery lu%rati$e !lo. on the side of
pri$ate enterprise" The %olonel .as inse%ure a!out Milo !e%ause other
%olonels .ere trying to lure him a.ay, and Colonel Cath%art still had that
lousy 3ig Chief ;hite Halfoat in his group .ho that lousy, la0y Captain
3la%' %laimed .as the one really responsi!le for the !om! line1s !eing
mo$ed during the 3ig Siege of 3ologna" Colonel Cath%art li'ed 3ig Chief
;hite Halfoat !e%ause 3ig Chief ;hite Halfoat 'ept pun%hing that lousy
Colonel Moodus in the nose e$ery time he got drun' and Colonel Moodus
.as around" He .ished that 3ig Chief ;hite Halfoat .ould !egin pun%hing
Colonel >orn in his fat fa%e, too" Colonel >orn .as a lousy smart ale%'"
Someone at T.enty9se$enth +ir 7or%e Head2uarters had it in for him and
sent !a%' e$ery report he .rote .ith a !listering re!u'e, and Colonel >orn
had !ri!ed a %le$er mail %ler' there named ;intergreen to try to find out
.ho it .as" &osing the plane o$er 7errara the se%ond time around had not
done him any good, he had to admit, and neither had ha$ing that other
plane disappear inside that %loud = that #as one he hadn't even #ritten
do#n He tried to re%all, longingly, if )ossarian had !een lost in that plane in
the %loud and reali0ed that )ossarian %ould not possi!ly ha$e !een lost in
that plane in the %loud if he .as still around no. raising su%h a !ig stin'
a!out ha$ing to fly a lousy fi$e missions more"
May!e si4ty missions .ere too many for the men to fly, Colonel Cath%art
reasoned, if )ossarian o!/e%ted to flying them, !ut he then remem!ered
that for%ing his men to fly more missions than e$eryone else .as the most
tangi!le a%hie$ement he had going for him" +s Colonel >orn often
remar'ed, the .ar .as %ra.ling .ith group %ommanders .ho .ere merely
doing their duty, and it re2uired /ust some sort of dramati% gesture li'e
ma'ing his group fly more %om!at missions than any other !om!er group to
spotlight his uni2ue 2ualities of leadership" Certainly none of the generals
seemed to o!/e%t to .hat he .as doing, although as far as he %ould dete%t
they .eren1t parti%ularly impressed either, .hi%h made him suspe%t that
perhaps si4ty %om!at missions .ere not nearly enough and that he ought to
in%rease the num!er at on%e to se$enty, eighty, a hundred, or e$en t.o
hundred, three hundred, or si4 thousandB
Certainly he .ould !e mu%h !etter off under some!ody sua$e li'e 6eneral
Pe%'em than he .as under some!ody !oorish and insensiti$e li'e 6eneral
-reedle, !e%ause 6eneral Pe%'em had the dis%ernment, the intelligen%e
and the #$y &eague !a%'ground to appre%iate and en/oy him at his full
$alue, although 6eneral Pe%'em had ne$er gi$en the slightest indi%ation
that he appre%iated or en/oyed him at all" Colonel Cath%art felt per%epti$e
enough to reali0e that $isi!le signals of re%ognition .ere ne$er ne%essary
!et.een sophisti%ated, self9assured people li'e himself and 6eneral
Pe%'em .ho %ould .arm to ea%h other from a distan%e .ith innate mutual
understanding" #t .as enough that they .ere of li'e 'ind, and he 'ne. it
.as only a matter of .aiting dis%reetly for preferment until the right time,
although it rotted Colonel Cath%art1s self9esteem to o!ser$e that 6eneral
Pe%'em ne$er deli!erately sought him out and that he la!ored no harder to
impress Colonel Cath%art .ith his epigrams and erudition than he did to
impress anyone else in earshot, e$en enlisted men" ither Colonel Cath%art
.asn1t getting through to 6eneral Pe%'em or 6eneral Pe%'em .as not the
s%intillating, dis%riminating, intelle%tual, for.ard9loo'ing personality he
pretended to !e and it .as really 6eneral -reedle .ho .as sensiti$e,
%harming, !rilliant and sophisti%ated and under .hom he .ould %ertainly !e
mu%h !etter off, and suddenly Colonel Cath%art had a!solutely no
%on%eption of ho. strongly he stood .ith anyone and !egan !anging on his
!u00er .ith his fist for Colonel >orn to %ome running into his offi%e and
assure him that e$ery!ody lo$ed him, that )ossarian .as a figment of his
imagination, and that he .as ma'ing .onderful progress in the splendid
and $aliant %ampaign he .as .aging to !e%ome a general"
+%tually, Colonel Cath%art did not ha$e a %han%e in hell of !e%oming a
general" 7or one thing, there .as e49P"7"C" ;intergreen, .ho also .anted
to !e a general and .ho al.ays distorted, destroyed, re/e%ted or
misdire%ted any %orresponden%e !y, for or a!out Colonel Cath%art that
might do him %redit" 7or another, there already .as a general, 6eneral
-reedle .ho 'ne. that 6eneral Pe%'em .as after his /o! !ut did not 'no.
ho. to stop him"
6eneral -reedle, the .ing %ommander, .as a !lunt, %hun'y, !arrel9%hested
man in his early fifties" His nose .as s2uat and red, and he had lumpy
.hite, !un%hed9up eyelids %ir%ling his small gray eyes li'e haloes of !a%on
fat" He had a nurse and a son9in9la., and he .as prone to long, ponderous
silen%es .hen he had not !een drin'ing too mu%h" 6eneral -reedle had
.asted too mu%h of his time in the +rmy doing his /o! .ell, and no. it .as
too late" ,e. po.er alignments had %oales%ed .ithout him and he .as at a
loss to %ope .ith them" +t unguarded moments his hard and sullen fa%e
slipped into a som!er, preo%%upied loo' of defeat and frustration" 6eneral
-reedle dran' a great deal" His moods .ere ar!itrary and unpredi%ta!le"
1;ar is hell,1 he de%lared fre2uently, drun' or so!er, and he really meant it,
although that did not pre$ent him from ma'ing a good li$ing out of it or from
ta'ing his son9in9la. into the !usiness .ith him, e$en though the t.o
!i%'ered %onstantly"
1That !astard,1 6eneral -reedle .ould %omplain a!out his son9in9la. .ith a
%ontemptuous grunt to anyone .ho happened to !e standing !eside him at
the %ur$e of the !ar of the offi%ers1 %lu!" 1$erything he1s got he o.es to me"
# made him, that lousy son of a !it%hB He hasn1t got !rains enough to get
ahead on his o.n"1
1He thin's he 'no.s e$erything,1 Colonel Moodus .ould retort in a sul'ing
tone to his o.n audien%e at the other end of the !ar" 1He %an1t ta'e %riti%ism
and he .on1t listen to ad$i%e"1
1+ll he %an do is gi$e ad$i%e,1 6eneral -reedle .ould o!ser$e .ith a rasping
snort" 1#f it .asn1t for me, he1d still !e a %orporal"1
6eneral -reedle .as al.ays a%%ompanied !y !oth Colonel Moodus and his
nurse, .ho .as as dele%ta!le a pie%e of ass as anyone .ho sa. her had
e$er laid eyes on" 6eneral -reedle1s nurse .as %hu!!y, short and !londe"
She had plump dimpled %hee's, happy !lue eyes, and neat %urly turned9up
hair" She smiled at e$eryone and ne$er spo'e at all unless she .as spo'en
to" Her !osom .as lush and her %omple4ion %lear" She .as irresisti!le, and
men edged a.ay from her %arefully" She .as su%%ulent, s.eet, do%ile and
dum!, and she dro$e e$eryone %ra0y !ut 6eneral -reedle"
1)ou should see her na'ed,1 6eneral -reedle %hortled .ith %roupy relish,
.hile his nurse stood smiling proudly right at his shoulder" 13a%' at ;ing
she1s got a uniform in my room made of purple sil' that1s so tight her
nipples stand out li'e !ing %herries" Milo got me the fa!ri%" There isn1t e$en
room enough for panties or a !rassiMre underneath" # ma'e her .ear it
some nights .hen Moodus is around /ust to dri$e him %ra0y"1 6eneral
-reedle laughed hoarsely" 1)ou should see .hat goes on inside that !louse
of hers e$ery time she shifts her .eight" She dri$es him out of his mind" The
first time # %at%h him putting a hand on her or any other .oman #1ll !ust the
horny !astard right do.n to pri$ate and put him on >"P" for a year"1
1He 'eeps her around /ust to dri$e me %ra0y,1 Colonel Moodus a%%used
aggrie$edly at the other end of the !ar" 13a%' at ;ing she1s got a uniform
made out of purple sil' that1s so tight her nipples stand out li'e !ing
%herries" There isn1t e$en room for panties or a !rassiMre underneath" )ou
should hear that rustle e$ery time she shifts her .eight" The first time #
ma'e a pass at her or any other girl he1ll !ust me right do.n to pri$ate and
put me on >"P" for a year" She dri$es me out of my mind"1
1He hasn1t gotten laid sin%e .e shipped o$erseas,1 %onfided 6eneral
-reedle, and his s2uare gri00led head !o!!ed .ith sadisti% laughter at the
fiendish idea" 1That1s one of the reasons # ne$er let him out of my sight, /ust
so he %an1t get to a .oman" Can you imagine .hat that poor son of a !it%h
is going through51
1# ha$en1t !een to !ed .ith a .oman sin%e .e shipped o$erseas,1 Colonel
Moodus .himpered tearfully" 1Can you imagine .hat #1m going through51
6eneral -reedle %ould !e as intransigent .ith anyone else .hen
displeased as he .as .ith Colonel Moodus" He had no taste for sham, ta%t
or pretension, and his %redo as a professional soldier .as unified and
%on%ise@ he !elie$ed that the young men .ho too' orders from him should
!e .illing to gi$e up their li$es for the ideals, aspirations and idiosyn%rasies
of the old men he too' orders from" The offi%ers and enlisted men in his
%ommand had identity for him only as military 2uantities" +ll he as'ed .as
that they do their .or'A !eyond that, they .ere free to do .hate$er they
pleased" They .ere free, as Colonel Cath%art .as free, to for%e their men to
fly si4ty missions if they %hose, and they .ere free, as )ossarian had !een
free, to stand in formation na'ed if they .anted to, although 6eneral
-reedle1s granite /a. s.ung open at the sight and he .ent striding
di%tatorially right do.n the line to ma'e %ertain that there really .as a man
.earing nothing !ut mo%%asins .aiting at attention in ran's to re%ei$e a
medal from him" 6eneral -reedle .as spee%hless" Colonel Cath%art !egan
to faint .hen he spied )ossarian, and Colonel >orn stepped up !ehind him
and s2uee0ed his arm in a strong grip" The silen%e .as grotes2ue" +
steady .arm .ind flo.ed in from the !ea%h, and an old %art filled .ith dirty
stra. rum!led into $ie. on the main road, dra.n !y a !la%' don'ey and
dri$en !y a farmer in a flopping hat and faded !ro.n .or' %lothes .ho paid
no attention to the formal military %eremony ta'ing pla%e in the small field
on his right"
+t last 6eneral -reedle spo'e" 16et !a%' in the %ar,1 he snapped o$er his
shoulder to his nurse, .ho had follo.ed him do.n the line" The nurse
toddled a.ay .ith a smile to.ard his !ro.n staff %ar, par'ed a!out t.enty
yards a.ay at the edge of the re%tangular %learing" 6eneral -reedle .aited
in austere silen%e until the %ar door slammed and then demanded, 1;hi%h
one is this51
Colonel Moodus %he%'ed his roster" 1This one is )ossarian, -ad" He gets a
-istinguished 7lying Cross"1
1;ell, #1ll !e damned,1 mum!led 6eneral -reedle, and his ruddy monolithi%
fa%e softened .ith amusement" 1;hy aren1t you .earing %lothes,
)ossarian51
1# don1t .ant to"1
1;hat do you mean you don1t .ant to5 ;hy the hell don1t you .ant to51
1# /ust don1t .ant to, sir"1
1;hy isn1t he .earing %lothes51 6eneral -reedle demanded o$er his
shoulder of Colonel Cath%art"
1He1s tal'ing to you,1 Colonel >orn .hispered o$er Colonel Cath%art1s
shoulder from !ehind, /a!!ing his el!o. sharply into Colonel Cath%art1s
!a%'"
1;hy isn1t he .earing %lothes51 Colonel Cath%art demanded of Colonel >orn
.ith a loo' of a%ute pain, tenderly nursing the spot .here Colonel >orn had
/ust /a!!ed him"
1;hy isn1t he .earing %lothes51 Colonel >orn demanded of Captain
Pilt%hard and Captain ;ren"
1+ man .as 'illed in his plane o$er +$ignon last .ee' and !led all o$er him,1
Captain ;ren replied" 1He s.ears he1s ne$er going to .ear a uniform
again"1
1+ man .as 'illed in his plane o$er +$ignon last .ee' and !led all o$er him,1
Colonel >orn reported dire%tly to 6eneral -reedle" 1His uniform hasn1t %ome
!a%' from the laundry yet"1
1;here are his other uniforms51
1They1re in the laundry, too"1
1;hat a!out his under.ear51 6eneral -reedle demanded"
1+ll his under.ear1s in the laundry, too,1 ans.ered Colonel >orn"
1That sounds li'e a lot of %rap to me,1 6eneral -reedle de%lared"
1#t is a lot of %rap, sir,1 )ossarian said"
1-on1t you .orry, sir,1 Colonel Cath%art promised 6eneral -reedle .ith a
threatening loo' at )ossarian" 1)ou ha$e my personal .ord for it that this
man .ill !e se$erely punished"1
1;hat the hell do # %are if he1s punished or not51 6eneral -reedle replied
.ith surprise and irritation" 1He1s /ust .on a medal" #f he .ants to re%ei$e it
.ithout any %lothes on, .hat the hell !usiness is it of yours51
1Those are my sentiments e4a%tly, sirB1 Colonel Cath%art e%hoed .ith
resounding enthusiasm and mopped his !ro. .ith a damp .hite
hand'er%hief" 13ut .ould you say that, sir, e$en in the light of 6eneral
Pe%'em1s re%ent memorandum on the su!/e%t of appropriate military attire
in %om!at areas51
1Pe%'em51 6eneral -reedle1s fa%e %louded"
1)es, sir, sir,1 said Colonel Cath%art o!se2uiously" 16eneral Pe%'em e$en
re%ommends that .e send our men into %om!at in full9dress uniform so
they1ll ma'e a good impression on the enemy .hen they1re shot do.n"1
1Pe%'em51 repeated 6eneral -reedle, still s2uinting .ith !e.ilderment" 1Just
.hat the hell does Pe%'em ha$e to do .ith it51
Colonel >orn /a!!ed Colonel Cath%art sharply again in the !a%' .ith his
el!o."
1+!solutely nothing, sirB1 Colonel Cath%art responded spru%ely, .in%ing in
e4treme pain and gingerly ru!!ing the spot .here Colonel >orn had /ust
/a!!ed him again" 1+nd that1s e4a%tly .hy # de%ided to ta'e a!solutely no
a%tion at all until # first had an opportunity to dis%uss it .ith you" Shall .e
ignore it %ompletely, sir51
6eneral -reedle ignored him %ompletely, turning a.ay from him in !aleful
s%orn to hand )ossarian his medal in its %ase"
16et my girl !a%' from the %ar,1 he %ommanded Colonel Moodus %ra!!ily,
and .aited in one spot .ith his s%o.ling fa%e do.n until his nurse had
re/oined him"
16et .ord to the offi%e right a.ay to 'ill that dire%ti$e # /ust issued ordering
the men to .ear ne%'ties on the %om!at missions,1 Colonel Cath%art
.hispered to Colonel >orn urgently out of the %orner of his mouth"
1# told you not to do it,1 Colonel >orn sni%'ered" 13ut you /ust .ouldn1t listen
to me"1
1ShhhhB1 Colonel Cath%art %autioned" 16oddammit, >orn, .hat did you do to
my !a%'51
Colonel >orn sni%'ered again"
6eneral -reedle1s nurse al.ays follo.ed 6eneral -reedle e$ery.here he
.ent, e$en into the !riefing room /ust !efore the mission to +$ignon, .here
she stood .ith her asinine smile at the side of the platform and !loomed li'e
a fertile oasis at 6eneral -reedle1s shoulder in her pin'9and9green uniform"
)ossarian loo'ed at her and fell in lo$e, desperately" His spirits san',
lea$ing him empty inside and num!" He sat ga0ing in %lammy .ant at her
full red lips and dimpled %hee's as he listened to Ma/or -an!y des%ri!e in a
monotonous, dida%ti% male drone the hea$y %on%entrations of fla' a.aiting
them at +$ignon, and he moaned in deep despair suddenly at the thought
that he might ne$er see again this lo$ely .oman to .hom he had ne$er
spo'en a .ord and .hom he no. lo$ed so patheti%ally" He thro!!ed and
a%hed .ith sorro., fear and desire as he stared at herA she .as so
!eautiful" He .orshiped the ground she stood on" He li%'ed his par%hed,
thirsting lips .ith a sti%'y tongue and moaned in misery again, loudly
enough this time to attra%t the startled, sear%hing glan%es of the men sitting
around him on the ro.s of %rude .ooden !en%hes in their %ho%olate9
%olored %o$eralls and stit%hed .hite para%hute harnesses"
,ately turned to him 2ui%'ly .ith alarm" 1;hat is it51 he .hispered" 1;hat1s
the matter51
)ossarian did not hear him" He .as si%' .ith lust and mesmeri0ed .ith
regret" 6eneral -reedle1s nurse .as only a little %hu!!y, and his senses
.ere stuffed to %ongestion .ith the yello. radian%e of her hair and the
unfelt pressure of her soft short fingers, .ith the rounded, untasted .ealth
of her nu!ile !reasts in her +rmy9pin' shirt that .as opened .ide at the
throat and .ith the rolling, ripened, triangular %onfluen%es of her !elly and
thighs in her tight, sli%' forest9green ga!ardine offi%er1s pants" He dran' her
in insatia!ly from head to painted toenail" He ne$er .anted to lose her"
1(ooooooooooooh,1 he moaned again, and this time the .hole room rippled
at his 2ua$ering, dra.n9out %ry" + .a$e of startled uneasiness !ro'e o$er
the offi%ers on the dais, and e$en Ma/or -an!y, .ho had !egun
syn%hroni0ing the .at%hes, .as distra%ted momentarily as he %ounted out
the se%onds and almost had to !egin again" ,ately follo.ed )ossarian1s
transfi4ed ga0e do.n the long frame auditorium until he %ame to 6eneral
-reedle1s nurse" He !lan%hed .ith trepidation .hen he guessed .hat .as
trou!ling )ossarian"
1Cut it out, .ill you51 ,ately .arned in a fier%e .hisper"
1(oooooooooooooooooooh,1 )ossarian moaned a fourth time, this time
loudly enough for e$eryone to hear him distin%tly"
1+re you %ra0y51 ,ately hissed $ehemently" 1)ou1ll get into trou!le"1
1(oooooooooooooooooooh,1 -un!ar ans.ered )ossarian from the opposite
end of the room"
,ately re%ogni0ed -un!ar1s $oi%e" The situation .as no. out of %ontrol, and
he turned a.ay .ith a small moan" 1(oh"1
1(oooooooooooooooooooh,1 -un!ar moaned !a%' at him"
1(oooooooooooooooooooh,1 ,ately moaned out loud in e4asperation .hen
he reali0ed that he had /ust moaned"
1(oooooooooooooooooooh,1 -un!ar moaned !a%' at him again"
1(oooooooooooooooooooh,1 someone entirely ne. %himed in from another
se%tion of the room, and ,ately1s hair stood on end"
)ossarian and -un!ar !oth replied .hile ,ately %ringed and hunted a!out
futilely for some hole in .hi%h to hide and ta'e )ossarian .ith him" +
sprin'ling of people .ere smothering laughter" +n elfin impulse possessed
,ately and he moaned intentionally the ne4t time there .as a lull" +nother
ne. $oi%e ans.ered" The fla$or of diso!edien%e .as titillating, and ,ately
moaned deli!erately again, the ne4t time he %ould s2uee0e one in
edge.ise" Still another ne. $oi%e e%hoed him" The room .as !oiling
irrepressi!ly into !edlam" +n eerie hu!!u! of $oi%es .as rising" 7eet .ere
s%uffled, and things !egan to drop from people1s fingers = pen%ils,
%omputers, map %ases, %lattering steel fla' helmets" + num!er of men .ho
.ere not moaning .ere no. giggling openly, and there .as no telling ho.
far the unorgani0ed insurre%tion of moaning might ha$e gone if 6eneral
-reedle himself had not %ome for.ard to 2uell it, stepping out determinedly
in the %enter of the platform dire%tly in front of Ma/or -an!y, .ho, .ith his
earnest, perse$ering head do.n, .as still %on%entrating on his .rist .at%h
and saying, 1?t.enty9fi$e se%onds? t.enty? fifteen?1 6eneral -reedle1s
great, red domineering fa%e .as gnarled .ith perple4ity and oa'en .ith
a.esome resolution"
1That .ill !e all, men,1 he ordered tersely, his eyes glaring .ith disappro$al
and his s2uare /a. firm, and that1s all there .as" 1# run a fighting outfit,1 he
told them sternly, .hen the room had gro.n a!solutely 2uiet and the men
on the !en%hes .ere all %o.ering sheepishly, 1and there1ll !e no more
moaning in this group as long as #1m in %ommand" #s that %lear51
#t .as %lear to e$ery!ody !ut Ma/or -an!y, .ho .as still %on%entrating on
his .rist .at%h and %ounting do.n the se%onds aloud" 1?four? three?
t.o? one? timeB1 %alled out Ma/or -an!y, and raised his eyes triumphantly
to dis%o$er that no one had !een listening to him and that he .ould ha$e to
!egin all o$er again" 1(oooh,1 he moaned in frustration"
'!hat #as that"' roared 6eneral -reedle in%redulously, and .hirled around
in a murderous rage upon Ma/or -an!y, .ho staggered !a%' in terrified
%onfusion and !egan to 2uail and perspire" '!ho is this man"'
1M9ma/or -an!y, sir,1 Colonel Cath%art stammered" 1My group operations
offi%er"1
1Ta'e him out and shoot him,1 ordered 6eneral -reedle"
1S9sir51
1# said ta'e him out and shoot him" Can1t you hear51
1)es, sirB1 Colonel Cath%art responded smartly, s.allo.ing hard, and turned
in a !ris' manner to his %hauffeur and his meteorologist" 1Ta'e Ma/or -an!y
out and shoot him"1
1S9sir51 his %hauffeur and his meteorologist stammered"
1# said ta'e Ma/or -an!y out and shoot him,1 Colonel Cath%art snapped"
1Can1t you hear51
The t.o young lieutenants nodded lumpishly and gaped at ea%h other in
stunned and fla%%id relu%tan%e, ea%h .aiting for the other to initiate the
pro%edure of ta'ing Ma/or -an!y outside and shooting him" ,either had
e$er ta'en Ma/or -an!y outside and shot him !efore" They in%hed their .ay
du!iously to.ard Ma/or -an!y from opposite sides" Ma/or -an!y .as .hite
.ith fear" His legs %ollapsed suddenly and he !egan to fall, and the t.o
young lieutenants sprang for.ard and sei0ed him under !oth arms to sa$e
him from slumping to the floor" ,o. that they had Ma/or -an!y, the rest
seemed easy, !ut there .ere no guns" Ma/or -an!y !egan to %ry" Colonel
Cath%art .anted to rush to his side and %omfort him, !ut did not .ant to
loo' li'e a sissy in front of 6eneral -reedle" He remem!ered that +pple!y
and Ha$ermeyer al.ays !rought their "C5 automati%s on the missions, and
he !egan to s%an the ro.s of men in sear%h of them"
+s soon as Ma/or -an!y !egan to %ry, Colonel Moodus, .ho had !een
$a%illating .ret%hedly on the sidelines, %ould restrain himself no longer and
stepped out diffidently to.ard 6eneral -reedle .ith a si%'ly air of self9
sa%rifi%e" 1# thin' you1d !etter .ait a minute, -ad,1 he suggested hesitantly" 1#
don1t thin' you can shoot him"1
6eneral -reedle .as infuriated !y his inter$ention" 1;ho the hell says #
%an1t51 he thundered pugna%iously in a $oi%e loud enough to rattle the .hole
!uilding" Colonel Moodus, his fa%e flushing .ith em!arrassment, !ent %lose
to .hisper into his ear" 1;hy the hell %an1t #51 6eneral -reedle !ello.ed"
Colonel Moodus .hispered some more" 1)ou mean # %an1t shoot anyone #
.ant to51 6eneral -reedle demanded .ith un%ompromising indignation" He
pri%'ed up his ears .ith interest as Colonel Moodus %ontinued .hispering"
1#s that a fa%t51 he in2uired, his rage tamed !y %uriosity"
1)es, -ad" #1m afraid it is"1
1# guess you thin' you1re pretty goddam smart, don1t you51 6eneral -reedle
lashed out at Colonel Moodus suddenly"
Colonel Moodus turned %rimson again" 1,o, -ad, it isn1t =1
1+ll right, let the insu!ordinate son of a !it%h go,1 6eneral -reedle snarled,
turning !itterly a.ay from his son9in9la. and !ar'ing pee$ishly at Colonel
Cath%art1s %hauffeur and Colonel Cath%art1s meteorologist" 13ut get him out
of this !uilding and 'eep him out" +nd let1s %ontinue this goddam !riefing
!efore the .ar ends" #1$e ne$er seen so mu%h in%ompeten%e"1
Colonel Cath%art nodded lamely at 6eneral -reedle and signaled his men
hurriedly to push Ma/or -an!y outside the !uilding" +s soon as Ma/or
-an!y had !een pushed outside, though, there .as no one to %ontinue the
!riefing" $eryone ga.'ed at e$eryone else in oafish surprise" 6eneral
-reedle turned purple .ith rage as nothing happened" Colonel Cath%art had
no idea .hat to do" He .as a!out to !egin moaning aloud .hen Colonel
>orn %ame to the res%ue !y stepping for.ard and ta'ing %ontrol" Colonel
Cath%art sighed .ith enormous, tearful relief, almost o$er.helmed .ith
gratitude"
1,o., men, .e1re going to syn%hroni0e our .at%hes,1 Colonel >orn !egan
promptly in a sharp, %ommanding manner, rolling his eyes flirtatiously in
6eneral -reedle1s dire%tion" 1;e1re going to syn%hroni0e our .at%hes one
time and one time only, and if it doesn1t %ome off in that one time, 6eneral
-reedle and # are going to .ant to 'no. .hy" #s that %lear51 He fluttered his
eyes to.ard 6eneral -reedle again to ma'e sure his plug had registered"
1,o. set your .at%hes for nine9eighteen"1
Colonel >orn syn%hroni0ed their .at%hes .ithout a single hit%h and mo$ed
ahead .ith %onfiden%e" He ga$e the men the %olors of the day and
re$ie.ed the .eather %onditions .ith an agile, flashy $ersatility, %asting
sidelong, simpering loo's at 6eneral -reedle e$ery fe. se%onds to dra.
in%reased en%ouragement from the e4%ellent impression he sa. he .as
ma'ing" Preening and pruning himself effulgendy and strutting
$aingloriously a!out the platform as he pi%'ed up momentum, he ga$e the
men the %olors of the day again and shifted nim!ly into a rousing pep tal'
on the importan%e of the !ridge at +$ignon to the .ar effort and the
o!ligation of ea%h man on the mission to pla%e lo$e of %ountry a!o$e lo$e of
life" ;hen his inspiring dissertation .as finished, he ga$e the men the
%olors of the day still one more time, stressed the angle of approa%h and
re$ie.ed the .eather %onditions again" Colonel >orn felt himself at the full
height of his po.ers" He belonged in the spotlight"
Comprehension da.ned slo.ly on Colonel Cath%artA .hen it %ame, he .as
stru%' dum!" His fa%e gre. longer and longer as he en$iously .at%hed
Colonel >orn1s trea%hery %ontinue, and he .as almost afraid to listen .hen
6eneral -reedle mo$ed up !eside him and, in a .hisper !lustery enough to
!e heard throughout the room, demanded,
1;ho is that man51
Colonel Cath%art ans.ered .ith .an fore!oding, and 6eneral -reedle then
%upped his hand o$er his mouth and .hispered something that made
Colonel Cath%art1s fa%e glo. .ith immense /oy" Colonel >orn sa. and
2ui$ered .ith un%ontaina!le rapture" Had he /ust !een promoted in the field
!y 6eneral -reedle to full %olonel5 He %ould not endure the suspense" ;ith
a masterful flourish, he !rought the !riefing to a %lose and turned
e4pe%tantly to re%ei$e ardent %ongratulations from 6eneral -reedle = .ho
.as already striding out of the !uilding .ithout a glan%e !a%'.ard, trailing
his nurse and Colonel Moodus !ehind him" Colonel >orn .as stunned !y
this disappointing sight, !ut only for an instant" His eyes found Colonel
Cath%art, .ho .as still standing ere%t in a grinning tran%e, and he rushed
o$er /u!ilantly and !egan pulling on his arm"
1;hat1d he say a!out me51 he demanded e4%itedly in a fer$or of proud and
!lissful anti%ipation" 1;hat did 6eneral -reedle say51
1He .anted to 'no. .ho you .ere"1
1# 'no. that" # 'no. that" 3ut .hat1d he say a!out me5 ;hat1d he say51
1)ou ma'e him si%'"1
Milo the Mayor
That .as the mission on .hi%h )ossarian lost his ner$e" )ossarian lost his
ner$e on the mission to +$ignon !e%ause Sno.den lost his guts, and
Sno.den lost his guts !e%ause their pilot that day .as Huple, .ho .as only
fifteen years old, and their %o9pilot .as -o!!s, .ho .as e$en .orse and
.ho .anted )ossarian to /oin .ith him in a plot to murder Colonel Cath%art"
Huple .as a good pilot, )ossarian 'ne., !ut he .as only a 'id, and -o!!s
had no %onfiden%e in him, either, and .rested the %ontrols a.ay .ithout
.arning after they had dropped their !om!s, going !erser' in mid9air and
tipping the plane o$er into that heart9stopping, ear9splitting, indes%ri!a!ly
petrifying fatal di$e that tore )ossarian1s earphones free from their
%onne%tion and hung him helplessly to the roof of the nose !y the top of his
head"
(h, +od )ossarian had shrie'ed soundlessly as he felt them all falling" (h,
+od (h, +od (h, +od (h, +od he had shrie'ed !esee%hingly through
lips that %ould not open as the plane fell and he dangled .ithout .eight !y
the top of his head until Huple managed to sei0e the %ontrols !a%' and
le$eled the plane out do.n inside the %ra0y, %raggy, pat%h.or' %anyon of
%rashing antiair%raft fire from .hi%h they had %lim!ed a.ay and from .hi%h
they .ould no. ha$e to es%ape again" +lmost at on%e there .as a thud and
a hole the si0e of a !ig fist in the ple4iglass" )ossarian1s %hee's .ere
stinging .ith shimmering splinters" There .as no !lood"
1;hat happened5 ;hat happened51 he %ried, and trem!led $iolently .hen
he %ould not hear his o.n $oi%e in his ears" He .as %o.ed !y the empty
silen%e on the inter%om and almost too horrified to mo$e as he %rou%hed
li'e a trapped mouse on his hands and 'nees and .aited .ithout daring to
!reathe until he finally spied the gleaming %ylindri%al /a%' plug of his
headset s.inging !a%' and forth in front of his eyes and /ammed it !a%' into
its re%epta%le .ith fingers that rattled" (h, +od he 'ept shrie'ing .ith no
a!atement of terror as the fla' thumped and mushroomed all a!out
him" (h, +od
-o!!s .as .eeping .hen )ossarian /ammed his /a%' plug !a%' into the
inter%om system and .as a!le to hear again"
1Help him, help him,1 -o!!s .as so!!ing" 1Help him, help him"1
1Help .ho5 Help .ho51 )ossarian %alled !a%'" 1Help .ho51
1The !om!ardier, the !om!ardier,1 -o!!s %ried" 1He doesn1t ans.er" Help
the !om!ardier, help the !om!ardier"1
1#1m the !om!ardier,1 )ossarian %ried !a%' at him" 1#1m the !om!ardier" #1m
all right" #1m all right"1
1Then help him, help him,1 -o!!s .ept" 1Help him, help him"1
1Help .ho5 Help .ho51
1The radio9gunner,1 -o!!s !egged" 1Help the radio9gunner"1
1#1m %old,1 Sno.den .himpered fee!ly o$er the inter%om system then in a
!leat of plainti$e agony" 1Please help me" #1m %old"1
+nd )ossarian %rept out through the %ra.l.ay and %lim!ed up o$er the
!om! !ay and do.n into the rear se%tion of the plane .here Sno.den lay
on the floor .ounded and free0ing to death in a yello. splash of sunlight
near the ne. tail9gunner lying stret%hed out on the floor !eside him in a
dead faint"
-o!!s .as the .orst pilot in the .orld and 'ne. it, a shattered .re%' of a
$irile young man .ho .as %ontinually stri$ing to %on$in%e his superiors that
he .as no longer fit to pilot a plane" ,one of his superiors .ould listen, and
it .as the day the num!er of missions .as raised to si4ty that -o!!s stole
into )ossarian1s tent .hile (rr .as out loo'ing for gas'ets and dis%losed
the plot he had formulated to murder Colonel Cath%art" He needed
)ossarian1s assistan%e"
1)ou .ant us to 'ill him in %old !lood51 )ossarian o!/e%ted"
1That1s right,1 -o!!s agreed .ith an optimisti% smile, en%ouraged !y
)ossarian1s ready grasp of the situation" 1;e1ll shoot him to death .ith the
&uger # !rought !a%' from Si%ily that no!ody 'no.s #1$e got"1
1# don1t thin' # %ould do it,1 )ossarian %on%luded, after .eighing the idea in
silen%e a.hile"
-o!!s .as astonished" 1;hy not51
1&oo'" ,othing .ould please me more than to ha$e the son of a !it%h !rea'
his ne%' or get 'illed in a %rash or to find out that someone else had shot
him to death" 3ut # don1t thin' # %ould 'ill him"1
1He1d do it to you,1 -o!!s argued" 1#n fa%t, you1re the one .ho told me
he is doing it to us !y 'eeping us in %om!at so long"1
13ut # don1t thin' # %ould do it to him" He1s got a right to li$e, too, # guess"1
1,ot as long as he1s trying to ro! you and me of our right to li$e" ;hat1s the
matter .ith you51 -o!!s .as fla!!ergasted" 1# used to listen to you arguing
that same thing .ith Cle$inger" +nd loo' .hat happened to him" *ight
inside that %loud"1
1Stop shouting, .ill you51 )ossarian shushed him"
1#1m not shoutingB1 -o!!s shouted louder, his fa%e red .ith re$olutionary
fer$or" His eyes and nostrils .ere running, and his palpitating %rimson lo.er
lip .as splattered .ith a foamy de." 1There must ha$e !een %lose to a
hundred men in the group .ho had finished their fifty9fi$e missions .hen he
raised the num!er to si4ty" There must ha$e !een at least another hundred
li'e you .ith /ust a %ouple more to fly" He1s going to 'ill us all if .e let him
go on fore$er" ;e1$e got to 'ill him first"1
)ossarian nodded e4pressionlessly, .ithout %ommitting himself" 1-o you
thin' .e %ould get a.ay .ith it51
1#1$e got it all .or'ed out" # =1
1Stop shouting, for Christ1s sa'eB1
1#1m not shouting" #1$e got it =1
1;ill you stop shoutingB1
1#1$e got it all .or'ed out,1 -o!!s .hispered, gripping the side of (rr1s %ot
.ith .hite9'nu%'led hands to %onstrain them from .a$ing" 1Thursday
morning .hen he1s due !a%' from that goddam farmhouse of his in the hills,
#1ll snea' up through the .oods to that hairpin turn in the road and hide in
the !ushes" He has to slo. do.n there, and # %an .at%h the road in !oth
dire%tions to ma'e sure there1s no one else around" ;hen # see him
%oming, #1ll sho$e a !ig log out into the road to ma'e him stop his /eep"
Then #1ll step out of the !ushes .ith my &uger and shoot him in the head
until he1s dead" #1ll !ury the gun, %ome !a%' do.n through the .oods to the
s2uadron and go a!out my !usiness /ust li'e e$ery!ody else" ;hat %ould
possi!ly go .rong51
)ossarian had follo.ed ea%h step attenti$ely" 1;here do # %ome in51 he
as'ed in pu00lement"
1# %ouldn1t do it .ithout you,1 -o!!s e4plained" 1# need you to tell me to go
ahead"1
)ossarian found it hard to !elie$e him" 1#s that all you .ant me to do5 Just
tell you to go ahead51
1That1s all # need from you,1 -o!!s ans.ered" 1Just tell me to go ahead and
#1ll !lo. his !rains out all !y myself the day after tomorro."1 His $oi%e .as
a%%elerating .ith emotion and rising again" 1#1d li'e to shoot Colonel >orn in
the head, too, .hile .e1re at it, although #1d li'e to spare Ma/or -an!y, if
that1s all right .ith you" Then #1d murder +pple!y and Ha$ermeyer also, and
after .e finish murdering +pple!y and Ha$ermeyer #1d li'e to murder
M%;att"1
1M%;att51 %ried )ossarian, almost /umping up in horror" 1M%;att1s a friend
of mine" ;hat do you .ant from M%;att51
1# don1t 'no.,1 -o!!s %onfessed .ith an air of floundering em!arrassment" 1#
/ust thought that as long as .e .ere murdering +pple!y and Ha$ermeyer
.e might as .ell murder M%;att too" -on1t you .ant to murder M%;att51
)ossarian too' a firm stand" 1&oo', # might 'eep interested in this if you stop
shouting it all o$er the island and if you sti%' to 'illing Colonel Cath%art" 3ut
if you1re going to turn this into a !lood !ath, you %an forget a!out me"1
1+ll right, all right,1 -o!!s sought to pla%ate him" 1Just Colonel Cath%art"
Should # do it5 Tell me to go ahead"1
)ossarian shoo' his head" 1# don1t thin' # %ould tell you to go ahead"1
-o!!s .as franti%" 1#1m .illing to %ompromise,1 he pleaded $ehemently" 1)ou
don1t ha$e to tell me to go ahead" Just tell me it1s a good idea" ('ay5 #s it a
good idea51
)ossarian still shoo' his head" 1#t .ould ha$e !een a great idea if you had
gone ahead and done it .ithout e$en spea'ing to me" ,o. it1s too late" #
don1t thin' # %an tell you anything" 6i$e me some more time" # might %hange
my mind"1
1Then it #ill !e too late"1
)ossarian 'ept sha'ing his head" -o!!s .as disappointed" He sat for a
moment .ith a hangdog loo', then spurted to his feet suddenly and
stamped a.ay to ha$e another impetuous %ra%' at persuading -o%
-anee'a to ground him, 'no%'ing o$er )ossarian1s .ashstand .ith his hip
.hen he lur%hed around and tripping o$er the fuel line of the sto$e (rr .as
still %onstru%ting" -o% -anee'a .ithstood -o!!s1s !lustering and
gesti%ulating atta%' .ith a series of impatient nods and sent him to the
medi%al tent to des%ri!e his symptoms to 6us and ;es, .ho painted his
gums purple .ith gentian9$iolet solution the moment he started to tal'" They
painted his toes purple, too, and for%ed a la4ati$e do.n his throat .hen he
opened his mouth again to %omplain, and then they sent him a.ay"
-o!!s .as in e$en .orse shape than Hungry Joe, .ho %ould at least fly
missions .hen he .as not ha$ing nightmares" -o!!s .as almost as !ad as
(rr, .ho seemed happy as an undersi0ed, grinning lar' .ith his deranged
and gal$ani% giggle and shi$ering .arped !u%' teeth and .ho .as sent
along for a rest lea$e .ith Milo and )ossarian on the trip to Cairo for eggs
.hen Milo !ought %otton instead and too' off at da.n for #stan!ul .ith his
plane pa%'ed to the gun turrets .ith e4oti% spiders and unripened red
!ananas" (rr .as one of the homeliest frea's )ossarian had e$er
en%ountered, and one of the most attra%ti$e" He had a ra. !ulgy fa%e, .ith
ha0el eyes s2uee0ing from their so%'ets li'e mat%hing !ro.n hal$es of
mar!les and thi%', .a$y parti%olored hair sloping up to a pea' on the top of
his head li'e a pomaded pup tent" (rr .as 'no%'ed do.n into the .ater or
had an engine shot out almost e$ery time he .ent up, and he !egan /er'ing
on )ossarian1s arm li'e a .ild man after they had ta'en off for ,aples and
%ome do.n in Si%ily to find the s%heming, %igar9smo'ing, ten9year9old pimp
.ith the t.o t.el$e9year9old $irgin sisters .aiting for them in to.n in front of
the hotel in .hi%h there .as room for only Milo" )ossarian pulled !a%' from
(rr adamantly, ga0ing .ith some %on%ern and !e.ilderment at Mt" tna
instead of Mt" Fesu$ius and .ondering .hat they .ere doing in Si%ily
instead of ,aples as (rr 'ept entreating him in a tittering, stuttering,
%on%upis%ent turmoil to go along .ith him !ehind the s%heming ten9year9old
pimp to his t.o t.el$e9year9old $irgin sisters .ho .ere not really $irgins and
not really sisters and .ho .ere really only t.enty9eight"
16o .ith him,1 Milo instru%ted )ossarian la%oni%ally" 1*emem!er your
mission"1
1+ll right,1 )ossarian yielded .ith a sigh, remem!ering his mission" 13ut at
least let me try to find a hotel room first so # %an get a good night1s sleep
after.ard"1
1)ou1ll get a good night1s sleep .ith the girls,1 Milo replied .ith the same air
of intrigue" 1*emem!er your mission"1
3ut they got no sleep at all, for )ossarian and (rr found themsel$es
/ammed into the same dou!le !ed .ith the t.o t.el$e9year9old t.enty9
eight9year9old prostitutes, .ho turned out to !e oily and o!ese and .ho
'ept .a'ing them up all night long to as' them to s.it%h partners"
)ossarian1s per%eptions .ere soon so fu00y that he paid no noti%e to the
!eige tur!an the fat one %ro.ding into him 'ept .earing until late the ne4t
morning .hen the s%heming ten9year9old pimp .ith the Cu!an panatella
snat%hed it off in pu!li% in a !estial %apri%e that e4posed in the !rilliant
Si%ilian daylight her sho%'ing, misshapen and denudate s'ull" Fengeful
neigh!ors had sha$ed her hair to the gleaming !one !e%ause she had slept
.ith 6ermans" The girl s%ree%hed in feminine outrage and .addled
%omi%ally after the s%heming ten9year9old pimp, her grisly, !lea', $iolated
s%alp slithering up and do.n ludi%rously around the 2ueer dar'ened .art of
her fa%e li'e something !lea%hed and o!s%ene" )ossarian had ne$er laid
eyes on anything so !are !efore" The pimp spun the tur!an high on his
finger li'e a trophy and 'ept himself s'ipping in%hes ahead of her finger tips
as he led her in a tantali0ing %ir%le around the s2uare %ongested .ith
people .ho .ere ho.ling .ith laughter and pointing to )ossarian .ith
derision .hen Milo strode up .ith a grim loo' of haste and pu%'ered his lips
repro$ingly at the unseemly spe%ta%le of so mu%h $i%e and fri$olity" Milo
insisted on lea$ing at on%e for Malta"
1;e1re sleepy,1 (rr .hined"
1That1s your o.n fault,1 Milo %ensured them !oth selfrighteously" 1#f you had
spent the night in your hotel room instead of .ith these immoral girls, you1d
!oth feel as good as # do today"1
1)ou told us to go .ith them,1 )ossarian retorted a%%usingly" 1+nd .e didn1t
ha$e a hotel room" )ou .ere the only one .ho %ould get a hotel room"1
1That .asn1t my fault, either,1 Milo e4plained haughtily" 1Ho. .as # supposed
to 'no. all the !uyers .ould !e in to.n for the %hi%'9pea har$est51
1)ou 'ne. it,1 )ossarian %harged" 1That e4plains .hy .e1re here in Si%ily
instead of ,aples" )ou1$e pro!a!ly got the .hole damned plane filled .ith
%hi%'9peas already"1
1ShhhhhhB1 Milo %autioned sternly, .ith a meaningful glan%e to.ard (rr"
1*emem!er your mission"1
The !om! !ay, the rear and tail se%tions of the plane and most of the top
turret gunner1s se%tion .ere all filled .ith !ushels of %hi%'9peas .hen they
arri$ed at the airfield to ta'e off for Malta"
)ossarian1s mission on the trip .as to distra%t (rr from o!ser$ing .here
Milo !ought his eggs, e$en though (rr .as a mem!er of Milo1s syndi%ate
and, li'e e$ery other mem!er of Milo1s syndi%ate, o.ned a share" His
mission .as silly, )ossarian felt, sin%e it .as %ommon 'no.ledge that Milo
!ought his eggs in Malta for se$en %ents apie%e and sold them to the mess
halls in his syndi%ate for fi$e %ents apie%e"
1# /ust don1t trust him,1 Milo !rooded in the plane, .ith a !a%'.ard nod
to.ard (rr, .ho .as %urled up li'e a tangled rope on the lo. !ushels of
%hi%'9peas, trying torturedly to sleep" 1+nd #1d /ust as soon !uy my eggs
.hen he1s not around to learn my !usiness se%rets" ;hat else don1t you
understand51
)ossarian .as riding !eside him in the %o9pilot1s seat" 1# don1t understand
.hy you !uy eggs for se$en %ents apie%e in Malta and sell them for fi$e
%ents"1
1# do it to ma'e a profit"1
13ut ho. %an you ma'e a profit5 )ou lose t.o %ents an egg"1
13ut # ma'e a profit of three and a 2uarter %ents an egg !y selling them for
four and a 2uarter %ents an egg to the people in Malta # !uy them from for
se$en %ents an egg" (f %ourse, : don1t ma'e the profit" The syndi%ate
ma'es the profit" +nd e$ery!ody has a share"1
)ossarian felt he .as !eginning to understand" 1+nd the people you sell the
eggs to at four and a 2uarter %ents apie%e ma'e a profit of t.o and three
2uarter %ents apie%e .hen they sell them !a%' to you at se$en %ents
apie%e" #s that right5 ;hy don1t you sell the eggs dire%tly to you and
eliminate the people you !uy them from51
13e%ause #1m the people # !uy them from,1 Milo e4plained" 1# ma'e a profit of
three and a 2uarter %ents apie%e .hen # sell them to me and a profit of t.o
and three 2uarter %ents apie%e .hen # !uy them !a%' from me" That1s a
total profit of si4 %ents an egg" # lose only t.o %ents an egg .hen # sell them
to the mess halls at fi$e %ents apie%e, and that1s ho. # %an ma'e a profit
!uying eggs for se$en %ents apie%e and selling them for fi$e %ents apie%e" #
pay only one %ent apie%e at the hen .hen # !uy them in Si%ily"1
1#n Malta,1 )ossarian %orre%ted" 1)ou !uy your eggs in Malta, not Si%ily"1
Milo %hortled proudly" 1# don1t !uy eggs in Malta,1 he %onfessed, .ith an air
of slight and %landestine amusement that .as the only departure from
industrious so!riety )ossarian had e$er seen him ma'e" 1# !uy them in
Si%ily for one %ent apie%e and transfer them to Malta se%retly at four and a
half %ents apie%e in order to get the pri%e of eggs up to se$en %ents apie%e
.hen people %ome to Malta loo'ing for them"1
1;hy do people %ome to Malta for eggs .hen they1re so e4pensi$e there51
13e%ause they1$e al.ays done it that .ay"1
1;hy don1t they loo' for eggs in Si%ily51
13e%ause they1$e ne$er done it that .ay"1
1,o. # really don1t understand" ;hy don1t you sell your mess halls the eggs
for se$en %ents apie%e instead offor fi$e %ents apie%e51
13e%ause my mess halls .ould ha$e no need for me then" +nyone %an !uy
se$en9%ents9apie%e eggs for se$en %ents apie%e"1
1;hy don1t they !ypass you and !uy the eggs dire%tly from you in Malta at
four and a 2uarter %ents apie%e51
13e%ause # .ouldn1t sell it to them"1
1;hy .ouldn1t you sell it to them51
13e%ause then there .ouldn1t !e as mu%h room for profit" +t least this .ay #
%an ma'e a !it for myself as a middleman"1
1Then you do ma'e a profit for yourself,1 )ossarian de%lared"
1(f %ourse # do" 3ut it all goes to the syndi%ate" +nd e$ery!ody has a share"
-on1t you understand5 #t1s e4a%tly .hat happens .ith those plum tomatoes
# sell to Colonel Cath%art"1
16uy,1 )ossarian %orre%ted him" 1)ou don1t sell plum tomatoes to Colonel
Cath%art and Colonel >orn" )ou buy plum tomatoes from them"1
1,o, sell,1 Milo %orre%ted )ossarian" 1# distri!ute my plum tomatoes in
mar'ets all o$er Pianosa under an assumed name so that Colonel Cath%art
and Colonel >orn %an !uy them up from me under their assumed names at
four %ents apie%e and sell them !a%' to me the ne4t day for the syndi%ate at
fi$e %ents apie%e" They ma'e a profit of one %ent apie%e" # ma'e a profit of
three and a half %ents apie%e, and e$ery!ody %omes out ahead"1
1$ery!ody !ut the syndi%ate,1 said )ossarian .ith a snort" 1The syndi%ate is
paying fi$e %ents apie%e for plum tomatoes that %ost you only half a %ent
apie%e" Ho. does the syndi%ate !enefit51
1The syndi%ate !enefits .hen # !enefit,1 Milo e4plained, 1!e%ause e$ery!ody
has a share" +nd the syndi%ate gets Colonel Cath%art1s and Colonel >orn1s
support so that they1ll let me go out on trips li'e this one" )ou1ll see ho.
mu%h profit that %an mean in a!out fifteen minutes .hen .e land in
Palermo"1
1Malta,1 )ossarian %orre%ted him" 1;e1re flying to Malta no., not Palermo"1
1,o, .e1re flying to Palermo,1 Milo ans.ered" 1There1s an endi$e e4porter in
Palermo # ha$e to see for a minute a!out a shipment of mushrooms to 3ern
that .ere damaged !y mold"1
1Milo, ho. do you do it51 )ossarian in2uired .ith laughing ama0ement and
admiration" 1)ou fill out a flight plan for one pla%e and then you go to
another" -on1t the people in the %ontrol to.ers e$er raise hell51
1They all !elong to the syndi%ate,1 Milo said" 1+nd they 'no. that .hat1s
good for the syndi%ate is good for the %ountry, !e%ause that1s .hat ma'es
Sammy run" The men in the %ontrol to.ers ha$e a share, too, and that1s
.hy they al.ays ha$e to do .hate$er they %an to help the syndi%ate"1
1-o # ha$e a share51
1$ery!ody has a share"1
1-oes (rr ha$e a share51
1$ery!ody has a share"1
1+nd Hungry Joe5 He has a share, too51
1$ery!ody has a share"1
1;ell, #1ll !e damned,1 mused )ossarian, deeply impressed .ith the idea of a
share for the $ery first time"
Milo turned to.ard him .ith a faint glimmer of mis%hief" 1# ha$e a sure9fire
plan for %heating the federal go$ernment out of si4 thousand dollars" ;e
%an ma'e three thousand dollars apie%e .ithout any ris' to either of us" +re
you interested51
1,o"1
Milo loo'ed at )ossarian .ith profound emotion" 1That1s .hat # li'e a!out
you,1 he e4%laimed" 1)ou1re honestB )ou1re the only one # 'no. that # %an
really trust" That1s .hy # .ish you1d try to !e of more help to me" # really .as
disappointed .hen you ran off .ith those t.o tramps in Catania yesterday"1
)ossarian stared at Milo in 2ui00i%al dis!elief" 1Milo, you told me to go .ith
them" -on1t you remem!er51
1That .asn1t my fault,1 Milo ans.ered .ith dignity" 1# had to get rid of (rr
some .ay on%e .e rea%hed to.n" #t .ill !e a lot different in Palermo" ;hen
.e land in Palermo, # .ant you and (rr to lea$e .ith the girls right from the
airport"1
1;ith .hat girls51
1# radioed ahead and made arrangements .ith a four9year9old pimp to
supply you and (rr .ith t.o eight9year9old $irgins .ho are half Spanish"
He1ll !e .aiting at the airport in a limousine" 6o right in as soon as you step
out of the plane"1
1,othing doing,1 said )ossarian, sha'ing his head" 1The only pla%e #1m going
is to sleep"1
Milo turned li$id .ith indignation, his slim long nose fli%'ering spasmodi%ally
!et.een his !la%' eye!ro.s and his un!alan%ed orange9!ro.n musta%he
li'e the pale, thin flame of a single %andle" 1)ossarian, remem!er your
mission,1 he reminded re$erently"
1To hell .ith my mission,1 )ossarian responded indifferently" 1+nd to hell
.ith the syndi%ate too, e$en though # do ha$e a share" # don1t .ant any
eight9year9old $irgins, e$en if they are half Spanish"1
1# don1t !lame you" 3ut these eight9year9old $irgins are really only thirty9t.o"
+nd they1re not really half Spanish !ut only one9third stonian"1
1# don1t %are for any $irgins"1
1+nd they1re not e$en $irgins,1 Milo %ontinued persuasi$ely" 1The one #
pi%'ed out for you .as married for a short time to an elderly s%hooltea%her
.ho slept .ith her only on Sundays, so she1s really almost as good as ne."1
3ut (rr .as sleepy, too, and )ossarian and (rr .ere !oth at Milo1s side
.hen they rode into the %ity of Palermo from the airport and dis%o$ered that
there .as no room for the t.o of them at the hotel there either, and, more
important, that Milo .as mayor"
The .eird, implausi!le re%eption for Milo !egan at the airfield, .here %i$ilian
la!orers .ho re%ogni0ed him halted in their duties respe%tfully to ga0e at
him .ith full e4pressions of %ontrolled e4u!eran%e and adulation" ,e.s of
his arri$al pre%eded him into the %ity, and the outs'irts .ere already
%ro.ded .ith %heering %iti0ens as they sped !y in their small un%o$ered
tru%'" )ossarian and (rr .ere mystified and mute and pressed %lose
against Milo for se%urity"
#nside the %ity, the .el%ome for Milo gre. louder as the tru%' slo.ed and
eased deeper to.ard the middle of to.n" Small !oys and girls had !een
released from s%hool and .ere lining the side.al's in ne. %lothes, .a$ing
tiny flags" )ossarian and (rr .ere a!solutely spee%hless no." The streets
.ere /ammed .ith /oyous throngs, and strung o$erhead .ere huge !anners
!earing Milo1s pi%ture" Milo had posed for these pi%tures in a dra! peasant1s
!louse .ith a high %ollar, and his s%rupulous, paternal %ountenan%e .as
tolerant, .ise, %riti%al and strong as he stared out at the popula%e
omnis%iently .ith his undis%iplined musta%he and disunited eyes" Sin'ing
in$alids !le. 'isses to him from .indo.s" +proned shop'eepers %heered
e%stati%ally from the narro. door.ays of their shops" Tu!as %rumped" Here
and there a person fell and .as trampled to death" So!!ing old .omen
s.armed through ea%h other franti%ally around the slo.9mo$ing tru%' to
tou%h Milo1s shoulder or press his hand" Milo !ore the tumultuous
%ele!rations .ith !ene$olent gra%e" He .a$ed !a%' to e$eryone in elegant
re%ipro%ation and sho.ered generous handfuls of foil%o$ered Hershey
'isses to the re/oi%ing multitudes" &ines of lusty young !oys and girls
s'ipped along !ehind him .ith their arms lin'ed, %hanting in hoarse and
glassy9eyed adoration, 'Milo Mi&lo Mi&lo'
,o. that his se%ret .as out, Milo rela4ed .ith )ossarian and (rr and
inflated opulently .ith a $ast, shy pride" His %hee's turned flesh9%olored"
Milo had !een ele%ted mayor of Palermo = and of near!y Carini, Monreale,
3agheria, Termini #merese, Cefalu, Mistretta and ,i%osia as .ell =
!e%ause he had !rought S%ot%h to Si%ily"
)ossarian .as ama0ed" 1The people here li'e to drin' S%ot%h that mu%h51
1They don1t drin' any of the S%ot%h,1 Milo e4plained" 1S%ot%h is $ery
e4pensi$e, and these people here are $ery poor"1
1Then .hy do you import it to Si%ily if no!ody drin's any51
1To !uild up a pri%e" # mo$e the S%ot%h here from Malta to ma'e more room
for profit .hen # sell it !a%' to me for some!ody else" # %reated a .hole ne.
industry here" Today Si%ily is the third largest e4porter of S%ot%h in the
.orld, and that1s .hy they ele%ted me mayor"1
1Ho. a!out getting us a hotel room if you1re su%h a hotshot51 (rr grum!led
impertinently in a $oi%e slurred .ith fatigue"
Milo responded %ontritely" 1That1s /ust .hat #1m going to do,1 he promised"
1#1m really sorry a!out forgetting to radio ahead for hotel rooms for you t.o"
Come along to my offi%e and #1ll spea' to my deputy mayor a!out it right
no."1
Milo1s offi%e .as a !ar!ershop, and his deputy mayor .as a pudgy !ar!er
from .hose o!se2uious lips %ordial greetings foamed as effusi$ely as the
lather he !egan .hipping up in Milo1s sha$ing %up"
1;ell, Fittorio,1 said Milo, settling !a%' la0ily in one of Fittorio1s !ar!er
%hairs, 1ho. .ere things in my a!sen%e this time51
1Fery sad, Signor Milo, $ery sad" 3ut no. that you are !a%', the people are
all happy again"1
1# .as .ondering a!out the si0e of the %ro.ds" Ho. %ome all the hotels are
full51
13e%ause so many people from other %ities are here to see you, Signor Milo"
+nd !e%ause .e ha$e all the !uyers .ho ha$e %ome into to.n for the
arti%ho'e au%tion"1
Milo1s hand soared up perpendi%ularly li'e an eagle and arrested Fittorio1s
sha$ing !rush" 1;hat1s arti%ho'e51 he in2uired"
1+rti%ho'e, Signor Milo5 +n arti%ho'e is a $ery tasty $egeta!le that is
popular e$ery.here" )ou must try some arti%ho'es .hile you are here,
Signor Milo" ;e gro. the !est in the .orld"1
1*eally51 said Milo" 1Ho. mu%h are arti%ho'es selling for this year51
1#t loo's li'e a $ery good year for arti%ho'es" The %rops .ere $ery !ad"1
1#s that a fa%t51 mused Milo, and .as gone, sliding from his %hair so s.iftly
that his striped !ar!er1s apron retained his shape for a se%ond or t.o after
he had gone !efore it %ollapsed" Milo had $anished from sight !y the time
)ossarian and (rr rushed after him to the door.ay"
1,e4t51 !ar'ed Milo1s deputy mayor offi%iously" 1;ho1s ne4t51
)ossarian and (rr .al'ed from the !ar!ershop in de/e%tion" -eserted !y
Milo, they trudged homelessly through the re$eling masses in futile sear%h
of a pla%e to sleep" )ossarian .as e4hausted" His head thro!!ed .ith a
dull, de!ilitating pain, and he .as irrita!le .ith (rr, .ho had found t.o %ra!
apples some.here and .al'ed .ith them in his %hee's until )ossarian
spied them there and made him ta'e them out" Then (rr found t.o horse
%hestnuts some.here and slipped those in until )ossarian dete%ted them
and snapped at him again to ta'e the %ra! apples out of his mouth" (rr
grinned and replied that they .ere not %ra! apples !ut horse %hestnuts and
that they .ere not in his mouth !ut in his hands, !ut )ossarian .as not a!le
to understand a single .ord he said !e%ause of the horse %hestnuts in his
mouth and made him ta'e them out any.ay" + sly light t.in'led in (rr1s
eyes" He ru!!ed his forehead harshly .ith his 'nu%'les, li'e a man in an
al%oholi% stupor, and sni%'ered le.dly"
1-o you remem!er that girl =1 He !ro'e off to sni%'er le.dly again" 1-o you
remem!er that girl .ho .as hitting me o$er the head .ith that shoe in that
apartment in *ome, .hen .e .ere !oth na'ed51 he as'ed .ith a loo' of
%unning e4pe%tation" He .aited until )ossarian nodded %autiously" 1#f you
let me put the %hestnuts !a%' in my mouth #1ll tell you .hy she .as hitting
me" #s that a deal51
)ossarian nodded, and (rr told him the .hole fantasti% story of .hy the
na'ed girl in ,ately1s .hore1s apartment .as hitting him o$er the head .ith
her shoe, !ut )ossarian .as not a!le to understand a single .ord !e%ause
the horse %hestnuts .ere !a%' in his mouth" )ossarian roared .ith
e4asperated laughter at the tri%', !ut in the end there .as nothing for them
to do .hen night fell !ut eat a damp dinner in a dirty restaurant and hit%h a
ride !a%' to the airfield, .here they slept on the %hill metal floor of the plane
and turned and tossed in groaning torment until the tru%' dri$ers !lasted up
less than t.o hours later .ith their %rates of arti%ho'es and %hased them
out onto the ground .hile they filled up the plane" + hea$y rain !egan
falling" )ossarian and (rr .ere dripping .et !y the time the tru%'s dro$e
a.ay and had no %hoi%e !ut to s2uee0e themsel$es !a%' into the plane and
roll themsel$es up li'e shi$ering an%ho$ies !et.een the /olting %orners of
the %rates of arti%ho'es that Milo fle. up to ,aples at da.n and e4%hanged
for the %innamon sti%'s, %lo$es, $anilla !eans and pepper pods that he
rushed right !a%' do.n south .ith that same day to Malta, .here, it turned
out, he .as +ssistant 6o$ernor96eneral" There .as no room for )ossarian
and (rr in Malta either" Milo .as Ma/or Sir Milo Minder!inder in Malta and
had a giganti% offi%e in the go$ernor9general1s !uilding" His mahogany des'
.as immense" #n a panel of the oa' .all, !et.een %rossed 3ritish flags,
hung a dramati% arresting photograph of Ma/or Sir Milo Minder!inder in the
dress uniform of the *oyal ;elsh 7usiliers" His musta%he in the photograph
.as %lipped and narro., his %hin .as %hiseled, and his eyes .ere sharp as
thorns" Milo had !een 'nighted, %ommissioned a ma/or in the *oyal ;elsh
7usiliers and named +ssistant 6o$ernor96eneral of Malta !e%ause he had
!rought the egg trade there" He ga$e )ossarian and (rr generous
permission to spend the night on the thi%' %arpet in his offi%e, !ut shortly
after he left a sentry in !attle dress appeared and dro$e them from the
!uilding at the tip of his !ayonet, and they rode out e4haustedly to the
airport .ith a surly %a! dri$er, .ho o$er%harged them, and .ent to sleep
inside the plane again, .hi%h .as filled no. .ith lea'ing gunny sa%'s of
%o%oa and freshly ground %offee and ree'ing .ith an odor so ri%h that they
.ere !oth outside ret%hing $iolently against the landing gear .hen Milo .as
%hauffeured up the first thing the ne4t morning, loo'ing fit as a fiddle, and
too' right off for (ran, .here there .as again no room at the hotel for
)ossarian and (rr, and .here Milo .as Fi%e9Shah" Milo had at his disposal
sumptuous 2uarters inside a salmon9pin' pala%e, !ut )ossarian and (rr
.ere not allo.ed to a%%ompany him inside !e%ause they .ere Christian
infidels" They .ere stopped at the gates !y gargantuan 3er!er guards .ith
s%imitars and %hased a.ay" (rr .as snuffling and snee0ing .ith a %rippling
head %old" )ossarian1s !road !a%' .as !ent and a%hing" He .as ready to
!rea' Milo1s ne%', !ut Milo .as Fi%e9Shah of (ran and his person .as
sa%red" Milo .as not only the Fi%e9Shah of (ran, as it turned out, !ut also
the Caliph of 3aghdad, the #mam of -amas%us, and the Shei' of +ra!y"
Milo .as the %orn god, the rain god and the ri%e god in !a%'.ard regions
.here su%h %rude gods .ere still .orshiped !y ignorant and superstitious
people, and deep inside the /ungles of +fri%a, he intimated .ith !e%oming
modesty, large gra$en images of his musta%hed fa%e %ould !e found
o$erloo'ing primiti$e stone altars red .ith human !lood" $ery.here they
tou%hed he .as a%%laimed .ith honor, and it .as one triumphal o$ation
after another for him in %ity after %ity until they finally dou!led !a%' through
the Middle ast and rea%hed Cairo, .here Milo %ornered the mar'et on
%otton that no one else in the .orld .anted and !rought himself promptly to
the !rin' of ruin" #n Cairo there .as at last room at the hotel for )ossarian
and (rr" There .ere soft !eds for them .ith fat fluffed9up pillo.s and %lean,
%risp sheets" There .ere %losets .ith hangers for their %lothes" There .as
.ater to .ash .ith" )ossarian and (rr soa'ed their ran%id, unfriendly
!odies pin' in a steaming9hot tu! and then .ent from the hotel .ith Milo to
eat shrimp %o%'tails and filet mignon in a $ery fine restaurant .ith a sto%'
ti%'er in the lo!!y that happened to !e %li%'ing out the latest 2uotation for
gyptian %otton .hen Milo in2uired of the %aptain of .aiters .hat 'ind of
ma%hine it .as" Milo had ne$er imagined a ma%hine so !eautiful as a sto%'
ti%'er !efore"
1*eally51 he e4%laimed .hen the %aptain of .aiters had finished his
e4planation" 1+nd ho. mu%h is gyptian %otton selling for51 The %aptain of
.aiters told him, and Milo !ought the .hole %rop"
3ut )ossarian .as not nearly so frightened !y the gyptian %otton Milo
!ought as he .as !y the !un%hes of green red !ananas Milo had spotted in
the nati$e mar'et pla%e as they dro$e into the %ity, and his fears pro$ed
/ustified, for Milo shoo' him a.a'e out of a deep sleep /ust after t.el$e and
sho$ed a partly peeled !anana to.ard him" )ossarian %ho'ed !a%' a so!"
1Taste it,1 Milo urged, follo.ing )ossarian1s .rithing fa%e around .ith the
!anana insistently"
1Milo, you !astard,1 moaned )ossarian, 1#1$e got to get some sleep"1
1at it and tell me if it1s good,1 Milo perse$ered" 1-on1t tell (rr # ga$e it to
you" # %harged him t.o piasters for his"1
)ossarian ate the !anana su!missi$ely and %losed his eyes after telling
Milo it .as good, !ut Milo shoo' him a.a'e again and instru%ted him to get
dressed as 2ui%'ly as he %ould, !e%ause they .ere lea$ing at on%e for
Pianosa"
1)ou and (rr ha$e to load the !ananas into the plane right a.ay,1 he
e4plained" 1The man said to .at%h out for spiders .hile you1re handling the
!un%hes"1
1Milo, %an1t .e .ait until morning51 )ossarian pleaded" 1#1$e got to get some
sleep"1
1They1re ripening $ery 2ui%'ly,1 ans.ered Milo, 1and .e don1t ha$e a minute
to lose" Just thin' ho. happy the men !a%' at the s2uadron .ill !e .hen
they get these !ananas"1
3ut the men !a%' at the s2uadron ne$er e$en sa. any of the !ananas, for it
.as a seller1s mar'et for !ananas in #stan!ul and a !uyer1s mar'et in 3eirut
for the %ara.ay seeds Milo rushed .ith to 3engasi after selling the
!ananas, and .hen they ra%ed !a%' into Pianosa !reathlessly si4 days later
at the %on%lusion of (rr1s rest lea$e, it .as .ith a load of !est .hite eggs
from Si%ily that Milo said .ere from gypt and sold to his mess halls for
only four %ents apie%e so that all the %ommanding offi%ers in his syndi%ate
.ould implore him to speed right !a%' to Cairo for more !un%hes of green
red !ananas to sell in Tur'ey for the %ara.ay seeds in demand in 3engasi"
+nd e$ery!ody had a share"
0ately1s 2l$ Man
The only one !a%' in the s2uadron .ho did see any of Milo1s red !ananas
.as +arfy, .ho pi%'ed up t.o from an influential fraternity !rother of his in
the Huartermaster Corps .hen the !ananas ripened and !egan streaming
into #taly through normal !la%'9mar'et %hannels and .ho .as in the offi%er1s
apartment .ith )ossarian the e$ening ,ately finally found his .hore again
after so many fruitless .ee's of mournful sear%hing and lured her !a%' to
the apartment .ith t.o girl friends !y promising them thirty dollars ea%h"
1Thirty dollars ea%h51 remar'ed +arfy slo.ly, po'ing and patting ea%h of the
three strapping girls s'epti%ally .ith the air of a grudging %onnoisseur"
1Thirty dollars is a lot of money for pie%es li'e these" 3esides, # ne$er paid
for it in my life"1
1#1m not as'ing you to pay for it,1 ,ately assured him 2ui%'ly" 1#1ll pay for them
all" # /ust .ant you guys to ta'e the other t.o" ;on1t you help me out51
+arfy smir'ed %ompla%ently and shoo' his soft round head" 1,o!ody has to
pay for it for good old +arfy" # %an get all # .ant any time # .ant it" #1m /ust
not in the mood right no."1
1;hy don1t you /ust pay all three and send the other t.o a.ay51 )ossarian
suggested"
13e%ause then mine .ill !e angry .ith me for ma'ing her .or' for her
money,1 ,ately replied .ith an an4ious loo' at his girl, .ho .as glo.ering at
him restlessly and starting to mutter" 1She says that if # really li'e her #1d
send her a.ay and go to !ed .ith one of the others"1
1# ha$e a !etter idea,1 !oasted +arfy" 1;hy don1t .e 'eep the three of them
here until after the %urfe. and then threaten to push them out into the street
to !e arrested unless they gi$e us all their money5 ;e %an e$en threaten to
push them out the .indo."1
1+arfyB1 ,ately .as aghast"
1# .as only trying to help,1 said +arfy sheepishly" +arfy .as al.ays trying to
help ,ately !e%ause ,ately1s father .as ri%h and prominent and in an
e4%ellent position to help +arfy after the .ar" 16ee .hi0,1 he defended
himself 2uerulously" 13a%' in s%hool .e .ere al.ays doing things li'e that" #
remem!er one day .e tri%'ed these t.o dum! high9s%hool girls from to.n
into the fraternity house and made them put out for all the fello.s there .ho
.anted them !y threatening to %all up their parents and say they .ere
putting out for us" ;e 'ept them trapped in !ed there for more than ten
hours" ;e e$en sma%'ed their fa%es a little .hen they started to %omplain"
Then .e too' a.ay their ni%'els and dimes and %he.ing gum and thre.
them out" 3oy, .e used to ha$e fun in that fraternity house,1 he re%alled
pea%efully, his %orpulent %hee's aglo. .ith the /o$ial, ru!i%und .armth of
nostalgi% re%olle%tion" 1;e used to ostra%i0e e$eryone, e$en ea%h other"1
3ut +arfy .as no help to ,ately no. as the girl ,ately had fallen so deeply
in lo$e .ith !egan s.earing at him sullenly .ith rising, mena%ing
resentment" &u%'ily, Hungry Joe !urst in /ust then, and e$erything .as all
right again, e4%ept that -un!ar staggered in drun' a minute later and !egan
em!ra%ing one of the other giggling girls at on%e" ,o. there .ere four men
and three girls, and the se$en of them left +arfy in the apartment and
%lim!ed into a horse9dra.n %a!, .hi%h remained at the %ur! at a dead halt
.hile the girls demanded their money in ad$an%e" ,ately ga$e them ninety
dollars .ith a gallant flourish, after !orro.ing t.enty dollars from )ossarian,
thirty9fi$e dollars from -un!ar and se$enteen dollars from Hungry Joe" The
girls gre. friendlier then and %alled an address to the dri$er, .ho dro$e
them at a %lopping pa%e half.ay a%ross the %ity into a se%tion they had
ne$er $isited !efore and stopped in front of an old, tall !uilding on a dar'
street" The girls led them up four steep, $ery long flights of %rea'ing .ooden
stairs and guided them through a door.ay into their o.n .onderful and
resplendent tenement apartment, .hi%h !urgeoned mira%ulously .ith an
infinite and proliferating flo. of supple young na'ed girls and %ontained the
e$il and de!au%hed ugly old man .ho irritated ,ately %onstantly .ith his
%austi% laughter and the %lu%'ing, proper old .oman in the ash9gray .oolen
s.eater .ho disappro$ed of e$erything immoral that o%%urred there and
tried her !est to tidy up"
The ama0ing pla%e .as a fertile, seething %ornu%opia of female nipples and
na$els" +t first, there .ere /ust their o.n three girls, in the dimly9lit, dra!
!ro.n sitting room that stood at the /un%ture of three mur'y hall.ays
leading in separate dire%tions to the distant re%esses of the strange and
mar$elous !ordello" The girls disro!ed at on%e, pausing in different stages
to point proudly to their garish underthings and !antering all the .hile .ith
the gaunt and dissipated old man .ith the sha!!y long .hite hair and
slo$enly .hite un!uttoned shirt .ho sat %a%'ling las%i$iously in a musty
!lue arm%hair almost in the e4a%t %enter of the room and !ade ,ately and
his %ompanions .el%ome .ith a mirthful and sardoni% formality" Then the
old .oman trudged out to get a girl for Hungry Joe, dipping her %aptious
head sadly, and returned .ith t.o !ig9!osomed !eauties, one already
undressed and the other in only a transparent pin' half slip that she .iggled
out of .hile sitting do.n" Three more na'ed girls sauntered in from a
different dire%tion and remained to %hat, then t.o others" 7our more girls
passed through the room in an indolent group, engrossed in %on$ersationA
three .ere !arefoot and one .o!!led perilously on a pair of un!u%'led
sil$er dan%ing shoes that did not seem to !e her o.n" (ne more girl
appeared .earing only panties and sat do.n, !ringing the total
%ongregating there in /ust a fe. minutes to ele$en, all !ut one of them
%ompletely un%lothed"
There .as !are flesh lounging e$ery.here, most of it plump, and Hungry
Joe !egan to die" He stood sto%' still in rigid, %atalepti% astonishment .hile
the girls am!led in and made themsel$es %omforta!le" Then he let out a
pier%ing shrie' suddenly and !olted to.ard the door in a headlong dash
!a%' to.ard the enlisted men1s apartment for his %amera, only to !e halted
in his tra%'s .ith another franti% shrie' !y the dreadful, free0ing premonition
that this .hole lo$ely, lurid, ri%h and %olorful pagan paradise .ould !e
snat%hed a.ay from him irredeema!ly if he .ere to let it out of his sight for
e$en an instant" He stopped in the door.ay and sputtered, the .iry $eins
and tendons in his fa%e and ne%' pulsating $iolently" The old man .at%hed
him .ith $i%torious merriment, sitting in his musty !lue arm%hair li'e some
satani% and hedonisti% deity on a throne, a stolen :"S" +rmy !lan'et
.rapped around his spindly legs to .ard off a %hill" He laughed 2uietly, his
sun'en, shre.d eyes spar'ling per%epti$ely .ith a %yni%al and .anton
en/oyment" He had !een drin'ing" ,ately rea%ted on sight .ith !ristling
enmity to this .i%'ed, depra$ed and unpatrioti% old man .ho .as old
enough to remind him of his father and .ho made disparaging /o'es a!out
+meri%a"
1+meri%a,1 he said, 1.ill lose the .ar" +nd #taly .ill .in it"1
1+meri%a is the strongest and most prosperous nation on earth,1 ,ately
informed him .ith lofty fer$or and dignity" 1+nd the +meri%an fighting man is
se%ond to none"1
14a%tly,1 agreed the old man pleasantly, .ith a hint of taunting amusement"
1#taly, on the other hand, is one of the least prosperous nations on earth"
+nd the #talian fighting man is pro!a!ly se%ond to all" +nd that1s e4a%tly .hy
my %ountry is doing so .ell in this .ar .hile your %ountry is doing so poorly"1
,ately guffa.ed .ith surprise, then !lushed apologeti%ally for his
impoliteness" 1#1m sorry # laughed at you,1 he said sin%erely, and he
%ontinued in a tone of respe%tful %ondes%ension" 13ut #taly .as o%%upied !y
the 6ermans and is no. !eing o%%upied !y us" )ou don1t %all that doing
$ery .ell, do you51
13ut of %ourse # do,1 e4%laimed the old man %heerfully" 1The 6ermans are
!eing dri$en out, and .e are still here" #n a fe. years you .ill !e gone, too,
and .e .ill still !e here" )ou see, #taly is really a $ery poor and .ea'
%ountry, and that1s .hat ma'es us so strong" #talian soldiers are not dying
any more" 3ut +meri%an and 6erman soldiers are" # %all that doing
e4tremely .ell" )es, # am 2uite %ertain that #taly .ill sur$i$e this .ar and still
!e in e4isten%e long after your o.n %ountry has !een destroyed"1
,ately %ould s%ar%ely !elie$e his ears" He had ne$er heard su%h sho%'ing
!lasphemies !efore, and he .ondered .ith instin%ti$e logi% .hy 69men did
not appear to lo%' the traitorous old man up" 1+meri%a is not going to !e
destroyedB1 he shouted passionately"
1,e$er51 prodded the old man softly"
1;ell?1 ,ately faltered"
The old man laughed indulgently, holding in %he%' a deeper, more
e4plosi$e delight" His goading remained gentle" 1*ome .as destroyed,
6ree%e .as destroyed, Persia .as destroyed, Spain .as destroyed" +ll
great %ountries are destroyed" ;hy not yours5 Ho. mu%h longer do you
really thin' your o.n %ountry .ill last5 7ore$er5 >eep in mind that the earth
itself is destined to !e destroyed !y the sun in t.enty9fi$e million years or
so"1
,ately s2uirmed un%omforta!ly" 1;ell, fore$er is a long time, # guess"1
1+ million years51 persisted the /eering old man .ith 'een, sadisti% 0est" 1+
half million5 The frog is almost fi$e hundred million years old" Could you
really say .ith mu%h %ertainty that +meri%a, .ith all its strength and
prosperity, .ith its fighting man that is se%ond to none, and .ith its standard
of li$ing that is the highest in the .orld, .ill last as long as? the frog51
,ately .anted to smash his leering fa%e" He loo'ed a!out imploringly for
help in defending his %ountry1s future against the o!no4ious %alumnies of
this sly and sinful assailant" He .as disappointed" )ossarian and -un!ar
.ere !usy in a far %orner pa.ing orgiasti%ally at four or fi$e froli%some girls
and si4 !ottles of red .ine, and Hungry Joe had long sin%e tramped a.ay
do.n one of the mysti% hall.ays, propelling !efore him li'e a ra$ening
despot as many of the !roadest9hipped young prostitutes as he %ould
%ontain in his frail .ind9milling arms and %ram into one dou!le !ed"
,ately felt himself at an em!arrassing loss" His o.n girl sat spra.led out
gra%elessly on an o$erstuffed sofa .ith an e4pression of otiose !oredom"
,ately .as unner$ed !y her torpid indifferen%e to him, !y the same sleepy
and inert poise that he remem!ered so $i$dly, so s.eetly, and so misera!ly
from the first time she had seen him and ignored him at the pa%'ed penny9
ante !la%'/a%' game in the li$ing room of the enlisted men1s apartment" Her
la4 mouth hung open in a perfe%t (, and 6od alone 'ne. at .hat her
gla0ed and smo'y eyes .ere staring in su%h !rute apathy" The old man
.aited tran2uilly, .at%hing him .ith a dis%erning smile that .as !oth
s%ornful and sympatheti%" + lissome, !lond, sinuous girl .ith lo$ely legs and
honey9%olored s'in laid herself out %ontentedly on the arm of the old man1s
%hair and !egan molesting his angular, pale, dissolute fa%e languidly and
%o2uettishly" ,ately stiffened .ith resentment and hostility at the sight of
su%h le%hery in a man so old" He turned a.ay .ith a sin'ing heart and
.ondered .hy he simply did not ta'e his o.n girl and go to !ed"
This sordid, $ulturous, dia!oli%al old man reminded ,ately of his father
!e%ause the t.o .ere nothing at all ali'e" ,ately1s father .as a %ourtly
.hite9haired gentleman .ho dressed impe%%a!lyA this old man .as an
un%outh !um" ,ately1s father .as a so!er, philosophi%al and responsi!le
manA this old man .as fi%'le and li%entious" ,ately1s father .as dis%reet and
%ulturedA this old man .as a !oor" ,ately1s father !elie$ed in honor and
'ne. the ans.er to e$erythingA this old man !elie$ed in nothing and had
only 2uestions" ,ately1s father had a distinguished .hite musta%heA this old
man had no musta%he at all" ,ately1s father = and e$eryone else1s father
,ately had e$er met = .as dignified, .ise and $enera!leA this old man .as
utterly repellent, and ,ately plunged !a%' into de!ate .ith him, determined
to repudiate his $ile logi% and insinuations .ith an am!itious $engean%e that
.ould %apture the attention of the !ored, phlegmati% girl he had fallen so
intensely in lo$e .ith and .in her admiration fore$er"
1;ell, fran'ly, # don1t 'no. ho. long +meri%a is going to last,1 he pro%eeded
dauntlessly" 1# suppose .e %an1t last fore$er if the .orld itself is going to !e
destroyed someday" 3ut # do 'no. that .e1re going to sur$i$e and triumph
for a long, long time"1
17or ho. long51 mo%'ed the profane old man .ith a gleam of mali%ious
elation" 1,ot e$en as long as the frog51
1Mu%h longer than you or me,1 ,ately !lurted out lamely"
1(h, is that allB That .on1t !e $ery mu%h longer then, %onsidering that you1re
so gulli!le and !ra$e and that # am already su%h an old, old man"1
1Ho. old are you51 ,ately as'ed, gro.ing intrigued and %harmed .ith the
old man in spite of himself"
1+ hundred and se$en"1 The old man %hu%'led heartily at ,ately1s loo' of
%hagrin" 1# see you don1t !elie$e that either"1
1# don1t !elie$e anything you tell me,1 ,ately replied, .ith a !ashful mitigating
smile" 1The only thing # do !elie$e is that +meri%a is going to .in the .ar"1
1)ou put so mu%h sto%' in #inning .ars,1 the gru!!y ini2uitous old man
s%offed" 1The real tri%' lies in losing .ars, in 'no.ing .hi%h .ars %an !e
lost" #taly has !een losing .ars for %enturies, and /ust see ho. splendidly
.e1$e done nonetheless" 7ran%e .ins .ars and is in a %ontinual state of
%risis" 6ermany loses and prospers" &oo' at our o.n re%ent history" #taly
.on a .ar in thiopia and promptly stum!led into serious trou!le" Fi%tory
ga$e us su%h insane delusions of grandeur that .e helped start a .orld .ar
.e hadn1t a %han%e of .inning" 3ut no. that .e are losing again, e$erything
has ta'en a turn for the !etter, and .e .ill %ertainly %ome out on top again if
.e su%%eed in !eing defeated"1
,ately gaped at him in undisguised !efuddlement" 1,o. # really don1t
understand .hat you1re saying" )ou tal' li'e a madman"1
13ut # li$e li'e a sane one" # .as a fas%ist .hen Mussolini .as on top, and #
am an anti9fas%ist no. that he has !een deposed" # .as fanati%ally pro9
6erman .hen the 6ermans .ere here to prote%t us against the +meri%ans,
and no. that the +meri%ans are here to prote%t us against the 6ermans #
am fanati%ally pro9+meri%an" # %an assure you, my outraged young friend1
= the old man1s 'no.ing, disdainful eyes shone e$en more effer$es%ently
as ,ately1s stuttering dismay in%reased = 1that you and your %ountry .ill
ha$e a no more loyal partisan in #taly than me = !ut only as long as you
remain in #taly"1
13ut,1 ,ately %ried out in dis!elief, 1you1re a turn%oatB + time9ser$erB +
shameful, uns%rupulous opportunistB1
1# am a hundred and se$en years old,1 the old man reminded him sua$ely"
1-on1t you ha$e any prin%iples51
1(f %ourse not"1
1,o morality51
1(h, # am a $ery moral man,1 the $illainous old man assured him .ith satiri%
seriousness, stro'ing the !are hip of a !u4om !la%'9haired girl .ith pretty
dimples .ho had stret%hed herself out sedu%ti$ely on the other arm of his
%hair" He grinned at ,ately sar%asti%ally as he sat !et.een !oth na'ed girls
in smug and thread!are splendor, .ith a so$ereign hand on ea%h"
1# %an1t !elie$e it,1 ,ately remar'ed grudgingly, trying stu!!ornly not to .at%h
him in relationship to the girls" 1# simply %an1t !elie$e it"1
13ut it1s perfe%tly true" ;hen the 6ermans mar%hed into the %ity, # dan%ed in
the streets li'e a youthful !allerina and shouted, GHeil HitlerBG until my lungs
.ere hoarse" # e$en .a$ed a small ,a0i flag that # snat%hed a.ay from a
!eautiful little girl .hile her mother .as loo'ing the other .ay" ;hen the
6ermans left the %ity, # rushed out to .el%ome the +meri%ans .ith a !ottle
of e4%ellent !randy and a !as'et of flo.ers" The !randy .as for myself, of
%ourse, and the flo.ers .ere to sprin'le upon our li!erators" There .as a
$ery stiff and stuffy old ma/or riding in the first %ar, and # hit him s2uarely in
the eye .ith a red rose" + mar$elous shotB )ou should ha$e seen him
.in%e"1
,ately gasped and .as on his feet .ith ama0ement, the !lood draining
from his %hee's" 1Ma/or 9 de Co$erleyB1 he %ried"
1-o you 'no. him51 in2uired the old man .ith delight" 1;hat a %harming
%oin%iden%eB1
,ately .as too astounded e$en to hear him" 1So you1re the one .ho
.ounded Ma/or 9 de Co$erleyB1 he e4%laimed in horrified indignation" 1Ho.
%ould you do su%h a thing51
The fiendish old man .as unpertur!ed" 1Ho. %ould # resist, you mean" )ou
should ha$e seen the arrogant old !ore, sitting there so sternly in that %ar
li'e the +lmighty Himself, .ith his !ig, rigid head and his foolish, solemn
fa%e" ;hat a tempting target he madeB # got him in the eye .ith an
+meri%an 3eauty rose" # thought that .as most appropriate" -on1t you51
1That .as a terrible thing to doB1 ,ately shouted at him reproa%hfully" 1+
$i%ious and %riminal thingB Ma/or 9 de Co$erley is our s2uadron e4e%uti$e
offi%erB1
1#s he51 teased the unregenerate old man, pin%hing his pointy /a. gra$ely in
a parody of repentan%e" 1#n that %ase, you must gi$e me %redit for !eing
impartial" ;hen the 6ermans rode in, # almost sta!!ed a ro!ust young
(!erleutnant to death .ith a sprig of edel.eiss"1
,ately .as appalled and !e.ildered !y the a!omina!le old man1s ina!ility
to per%ei$e the enormity of his offen%e" 1-on1t you reali0e .hat you1$e
done51 he s%olded $ehemently" 1Ma/or 9 de Co$erley is a no!le and
.onderful person, and e$eryone admires him"1
1He1s a silly old fool .ho really has no right a%ting li'e a silly young fool"
;here is he today5 -ead51
,ately ans.ered softly .ith som!er a.e" 1,o!ody 'no.s" He seems to
ha$e disappeared"1
1)ou see5 #magine a man his age ris'ing .hat little life he has left for
something so a!surd as a %ountry"1
,ately .as instantly up in arms again" 1There is nothing so a!surd a!out
ris'ing your life for your %ountryB1 he de%lared"
1#sn1t there51 as'ed the old man" 1;hat is a %ountry5 + %ountry is a pie%e of
land surrounded on all sides !y !oundaries, usually unnatural" nglishmen
are dying for ngland, +meri%ans are dying for +meri%a, 6ermans are
dying for 6ermany, *ussians are dying for *ussia" There are no. fifty or
si4ty %ountries fighting in this .ar" Surely so many %ountries %an1t all !e
.orth dying for"1
1+nything .orth li$ing for,1 said ,ately, 1is .orth dying for"1
1+nd anything .orth dying for,1 ans.ered the sa%rilegious old man, 1is
%ertainly .orth li$ing for" )ou 'no., you1re su%h a pure and nai$e young
man that # almost feel sorry for you" Ho. old are you5 T.enty9fi$e5 T.enty9
si451
1,ineteen,1 said ,ately" 1#1ll !e t.enty in January"1
1#f you li$e"1 The old man shoo' his head, .earing, for a moment, the same
tou%hy, meditating fro.n of the fretful and disappro$ing old .oman" 1They
are going to 'ill you if you don1t .at%h out, and # %an see no. that you are
not going to .at%h out" ;hy don1t you use some sense and try to !e more
li'e me5 )ou might li$e to !e a hundred and se$en, too"1
13e%ause it1s !etter to die on one1s feet than li$e on one1s 'nees,1 ,ately
retorted .ith triumphant and lofty %on$i%tion" 1# guess you1$e heard that
saying !efore"1
1)es, # %ertainly ha$e,1 mused the trea%herous old man, smiling again" 13ut
#1m afraid you ha$e it !a%'.ard" #t is !etter to li$e on one1s feet than die on
one1s 'nees" That is the .ay the saying goes"1
1+re you sure51 ,ately as'ed .ith so!er %onfusion" 1#t seems to ma'e more
sense my .ay"1
1,o, it ma'es more sense my .ay" +s' your friends"1
,ately turned to as' his friends and dis%o$ered they had gone" )ossarian
and -un!ar had !oth disappeared" The old man roared .ith %ontemptuous
merriment at ,ately1s loo' of em!arrassed surprise" ,ately1s fa%e dar'ened
.ith shame" He $a%illated helplessly for a fe. se%onds and then spun
himself around and fled inside the nearest of the hall.ays in sear%h of
)ossarian and -un!ar, hoping to %at%h them in time and !ring them !a%' to
the res%ue .ith ne.s of the remar'a!le %lash !et.een the old man and
Ma/or 9 de Co$erley" +ll the doors in the hall.ays .ere shut" There .as
light under none" #t .as already $ery late" ,ately ga$e up his sear%h
forlornly" There .as nothing left for him to do, he reali0ed finally, !ut get the
girl he .as in lo$e .ith and lie do.n .ith her some.here to ma'e tender,
%ourteous lo$e to her and plan their future togetherA !ut she had gone off to
!ed, too, !y the time he returned to the sitting room for her, and there .as
nothing left for him to do then !ut resume his a!orti$e dis%ussion .ith the
loathsome old man, .ho rose from his arm%hair .ith /esting %i$ility and
e4%used himself for the night, a!andoning ,ately there .ith t.o !leary9eyed
girls .ho %ould not tell him into .hi%h room his o.n .hore had gone and
.ho padded off to !ed se$eral se%onds later after trying in $ain to interest
him in themsel$es, lea$ing him to sleep alone in the sitting room on the
small, lumpy sofa"
,ately .as a sensiti$e, ri%h, good9loo'ing !oy .ith dar' hair, trusting eyes,
and a pain in his ne%' .hen he a.o'e on the sofa early the ne4t morning
and .ondered dully .here he .as" His nature .as in$aria!ly gentle and
polite" He had li$ed for almost t.enty years .ithout trauma, tension, hate,
or neurosis, .hi%h .as proof to )ossarian of /ust ho. %ra0y he really .as"
His %hildhood had !een a pleasant, though dis%iplined, one" He got on .ell
.ith his !rothers and sisters, and he did not hate his mother and father,
e$en though they had !oth !een $ery good to him"
,ately had !een !rought up to detest people li'e +arfy, .hom his mother
%hara%teri0ed as %lim!ers, and people li'e Milo, .hom his father
%hara%teri0ed as pushers, !ut he had ne$er learned ho., sin%e he had
ne$er !een permitted near them" +s far as he %ould re%all, his homes in
Philadelphia, ,e. )or', Maine, Palm 3ea%h, Southampton, &ondon,
-eau$ille, Paris and the south of 7ran%e had al.ays !een %ro.ded only
.ith ladies and gentlemen .ho .ere not %lim!ers or pushers" ,ately1s
mother, a des%endant of the ,e. ngland Thorntons, .as a -aughter of
the +meri%an *e$olution" His father .as a Son of a 3it%h"
1+l.ays remem!er,1 his mother had reminded him fre2uently, 1that you are a
,ately" )ou are not a Fander!ilt, .hose fortune .as made !y a $ulgar
tug!oat %aptain, or a *o%'efeller, .hose .ealth .as amassed through
uns%rupulous spe%ulations in %rude petroleumA or a *eynolds or -u'e,
.hose in%ome .as deri$ed from the sale to the unsuspe%ting pu!li% of
produ%ts %ontaining %an%er9%ausing resins and tarsA and you are %ertainly
not an +stor, .hose family, # !elie$e, still lets rooms" )ou are a ,ately, and
the ,atelys ha$e ne$er done anything for their money"1
1;hat your mother means, son,1 inter/e%ted his father affa!ly one time .ith
that flair for gra%eful and e%onomi%al e4pression ,ately admired so mu%h,
1is that old money is !etter than ne. money and that the ne.ly ri%h are
ne$er to !e esteemed as highly as the ne.ly poor" #sn1t that %orre%t, my
dear5
,ately1s father !rimmed %ontinually .ith sage and sophisti%ated %ounsel of
that 'ind" He .as as e!ullient and ruddy as mulled %laret, and ,ately li'ed
him a great deal, although he did not li'e mulled %laret" ;hen .ar !ro'e
out, ,ately1s family de%ided that he .ould enlist in the armed for%es, sin%e
he .as too young to !e pla%ed in the diplomati% ser$i%e, and sin%e his
father had it on e4%ellent authority that *ussia .as going to %ollapse in a
matter of .ee's or months and that Hitler, Chur%hill, *oose$elt, Mussolini,
6andhi, 7ran%o, Peron and the mperor of Japan .ould then all sign a
pea%e treaty and li$e together happily e$er after" #t .as ,ately1s father1s
idea that he /oin the +ir Corps, .here he %ould train safely as a pilot .hile
the *ussians %apitulated and the details of the armisti%e .ere .or'ed out,
and .here, as an offi%er, he .ould asso%iate only .ith gentlemen"
#nstead, he found himself .ith )ossarian, -un!ar and Hungry Joe in a
.hore house in *ome, poignantly in lo$e .ith an indifferent girl there .ith
.hom he finally did lie do.n the morning after the night he slept alone in
the sitting room, only to !e interrupted almost immediately !y her
in%orrigi!le 'id sister, .ho %ame !ursting in .ithout .arning and hurled
herself onto the !ed /ealously so that ,ately %ould em!ra%e her, too"
,ately1s .hore sprang up snarling to .ha%' her angrily and /er'ed her to
her feet !y her hair" The t.el$e9year9old girl loo'ed to ,ately li'e a plu%'ed
%hi%'en or li'e a t.ig .ith the !ar' peeled off her sapling !ody em!arrassed
e$eryone in her pre%o%ious attempts to imitate her elders, and she .as
al.ays !eing %hased a.ay to put %lothes on and ordered out into the street
to play in the fresh air .ith the other %hildren" The t.o sisters s.ore and
spat at ea%h other no. sa$agely, raising a fluent, deafening %ommotion that
!rought a .hole %ro.d of hilarious spe%tators s.arming into the room"
,ately ga$e up in e4asperation" He as'ed his girl to get dressed and too'
her do.nstairs for !rea'fast" The 'id sister tagged along, and ,ately felt
li'e the proud head of a family as the three of them ate respe%ta!ly in a
near!y open9air %afJ" 3ut ,ately1s .hore .as already !ored !y the time
they started !a%', and she de%ided to go street.al'ing .ith t.o other girls
rather than spend more time .ith him" ,ately and the 'id sister follo.ed
mee'ly a !lo%' !ehind, the am!itious youngster to pi%' up $alua!le
pointers, ,ately to eat his li$er in mooning frustration, and !oth .ere
saddened .hen the girls .ere stopped !y soldiers in a staff %ar and dri$en
a.ay"
,ately .ent !a%' to the %afJ and !ought the 'id sister %ho%olate i%e %ream
until her spirits impro$ed and then returned .ith her to the apartment,
.here )ossarian and -un!ar .ere flopped out in the sitting room .ith an
e4hausted Hungry Joe, .ho .as still .earing on his !attered fa%e the
!lissful, num!, triumphant smile .ith .hi%h he had limped into $ie. from his
massi$e harem that morning li'e a person .ith numerous !ro'en !ones"
The le%herous and depra$ed old man .as delighted .ith Hungry Joe1s split
lips and !la%'9and9!lue eyes" He greeted ,ately .armly, still .earing the
same rumpled %lothes of the e$ening !efore" ,ately .as profoundly upset
!y his seedy and disreputa!le appearan%e, and .hene$er he %ame to the
apartment he .ished that the %orrupt, immoral old man .ould put on a
%lean 3roo's 3rothers shirt, sha$e, %om! his hair, .ear a t.eed /a%'et, and
gro. a dapper .hite musta%he so that ,ately .ould not ha$e to suffer su%h
%onfusing shame ea%h time he loo'ed at him and .as reminded of his
father"
Milo
+pril had !een the !est month of all for Milo" &ila%s !loomed in +pril and
fruit ripened on the $ine" Heart!eats 2ui%'ened and old appetites .ere
rene.ed" #n +pril a li$elier iris gleamed upon the !urnished do$e" +pril .as
spring, and in the spring Milo Minder!inder1s fan%y had lightly turned to
thoughts of tangerines"
1Tangerines51
1)es, sir"1
1My men .ould lo$e tangerines,1 admitted the %olonel in Sardinia .ho
%ommanded four s2uadrons of 39<6s"
1There1ll !e all the tangerines they %an eat that you1re a!le to pay for .ith
money from your mess fund,1 Milo assured him"
1Casa!a melons51
1+re going for a song in -amas%us"1
1# ha$e a .ea'ness for %asa!a melons" #1$e al.ays had a .ea'ness for
%asa!a melons"1
1Just lend me one plane from ea%h s2uadron, /ust one plane, and you1ll
ha$e all the %asa!as you %an eat that you1$e money to pay for"1
1;e !uy from the syndi%ate51
1+nd e$ery!ody has a share"1
1#t1s ama0ing, positi$ely ama0ing" Ho. %an you do it51
1Mass pur%hasing po.er ma'es the !ig differen%e" 7or e4ample, !readed
$eal %utlets"1
1#1m not so %ra0y a!out !readed $eal %utlets,1 grum!led the s'epti%al 39<5
%ommander in the north of Corsi%a"
13readed $eal %utlets are $ery nutritious,1 Milo admonished him piously"
1They %ontain egg yol' and !read %rum!s" +nd so are lam! %hops"1
1+h, lam! %hops,1 e%hoed the 39<5 %ommander" 16ood lam! %hops51
1The !est,1 said Milo, 1that the !la%' mar'et has to offer"1
13a!y lam! %hops51
1#n the %utest little pin' paper panties you e$er sa." +re going for a song in
Portugal"1
1# %an1t send a plane to Portugal" # ha$en1t the authority"1
1# %an, on%e you lend the plane to me" ;ith a pilot to fly it" +nd don1t forget
= you1ll get 6eneral -reedle"1
1;ill 6eneral -reedle eat in my mess hall again51
1&i'e a pig, on%e you start feeding him my !est .hite fresh eggs fried in my
pure %reamery !utter" There1ll !e tangerines too, and %asa!a melons,
honeyde.s, filet of -o$er sole, !a'ed +las'a, and %o%'les and mussels"1
1+nd e$ery!ody has a share51
1That,1 said Milo, 1is the most !eautiful part of it"1
1# don1t li'e it,1 gro.led the un%o9operati$e fighter9plane %ommander, .ho
didn1t li'e Milo either"
1There1s an un%o9operati$e fighter9plane %ommander up north .ho1s got it in
for me,1 Milo %omplained to 6eneral -reedle" 1#t ta'es /ust one person to
ruin the .hole thing, and then you .ouldn1t ha$e your fresh eggs fried in my
pure %reamery !utter any more"1
6eneral -reedle had the un%o9operati$e fighter9plane %ommander
transferred to the Solomon #slands to dig gra$es and repla%ed him .ith a
senile %olonel .ith !ursitis and a %ra$ing for lit%hi nuts .ho introdu%ed Milo
to the 391E general on the mainland .ith a yearning for Polish sausage"
1Polish sausage is going for peanuts in Cra%o.,1 Milo informed him"
1Polish sausage,1 sighed the general nostalgi%ally" 1)ou 'no., #1d gi$e /ust
a!out anything for a good hun' of Polish sausage" Just a!out anything"1
1)ou don1t ha$e to gi$e anything" Just gi$e me one plane for ea%h mess hall
and a pilot .ho .ill do .hat he1s told" +nd a small do.n payment on your
initial order as a to'en of good faith"1
13ut Cra%o. is hundreds of miles !ehind the enemy lines" Ho. .ill you get
to the sausage51
1There1s an international Polish sausage e4%hange in 6ene$a" #1ll /ust fly the
peanuts into S.it0erland and e4%hange them for Polish sausage at the
open mar'et rate" They1ll fly the peanuts !a%' to Cra%o. and #1ll fly the
Polish sausage !a%' to you" )ou !uy only as mu%h Polish sausage as you
.ant through the syndi%ate" There1ll !e tangerines too, .ith only a little
artifi%ial %oloring added" +nd eggs from Malta and S%ot%h from Si%ily" )ou1ll
!e paying the money to yourself .hen you !uy from the syndi%ate, sin%e
you1ll o.n a share, so you1ll really !e getting e$erything you !uy for nothing"
-oesn1t that ma'es sense51
1Sheer genius" Ho. in the .orld did you e$er thin' of it51
1My name is Milo Minder!inder" # am t.enty9se$en years old"1
Milo Minder!inder1s planes fle. in from e$ery.here, the pursuit planes,
!om!ers, and %argo ships streaming into Colonel Cath%art1s field .ith pilots
at the %ontrols .ho .ould do .hat they .ere told" The planes .ere
de%orated .ith flam!oyant s2uadron em!lems illustrating su%h lauda!le
ideals as Courage, Might, Justi%e, Truth, &i!erty, &o$e, Honor and
Patriotism that .ere painted out at on%e !y Milo1s me%hani%s .ith a dou!le
%oat of flat .hite and repla%ed in garish purple .ith the sten%iled name M I
M ,T*P*#SS, 7#, 7*:#TS +,- P*(-:C" The 1M I M1 #n 1M I M
,T*P*#SS1 stood for Milo I Minder!inder, and the I .as inserted,
Milo re$ealed %andidly, to nullify any impression that the syndi%ate .as a
one9man operation" Planes arri$ed for Milo from airfields in #taly, ,orth
+fri%a and ngland, and from +ir Transport Command stations in &i!eria,
+s%ension #sland, Cairo, and >ara%hi" Pursuit planes .ere traded for
additional %argo ships or retained for emergen%y in$oi%e duty and small9
par%el ser$i%eA tru%'s and tan's .ere pro%ured from the ground for%es and
used for short9distan%e road hauling" $ery!ody had a share, and men got
fat and mo$ed a!out tamely .ith toothpi%'s in their greasy lips" Milo
super$ised the .hole e4panding operation !y himself" -eep otter9!ro.n
lines of preo%%upation et%hed themsel$es permanently into his %are.orn
fa%e and ga$e him a harried loo' of so!riety and mistrust" $ery!ody !ut
)ossarian thought Milo .as a /er', first for $olunteering for the /o! of mess
offi%er and ne4t for ta'ing it so seriously" )ossarian also thought that Milo
.as a /er'A !ut he also 'ne. that Milo .as a genius"
(ne day Milo fle. a.ay to ngland to pi%' up a load of Tur'ish hal$ah and
%ame flying !a%' from Madagas%ar leading four 6erman !om!ers filled .ith
yams, %ollards, mustard greens and !la%'9eyed 6eorgia peas" Milo .as
dum!founded .hen he stepped do.n to the ground and found a %ontingent
of armed M"P"s .aiting to imprison the 6erman pilots and %onfis%ate their
planes" 'onfiscate The mere .ord .as anathema to him, and he stormed
!a%' and forth in e4%oriating %ondemnation, sha'ing a pier%ing finger of
re!u'e in the guilt9ridden fa%es of Colonel Cath%art, Colonel >orn and the
poor !attle9s%arred %aptain .ith the su!ma%hine gun .ho %ommanded the
M"P"s"
1#s this *ussia51 Milo assailed them in%redulously at the top of his
$oi%e" ''onfiscate"' he shrie'ed, as though he %ould not !elie$e his o.n
ears" 1Sin%e .hen is it the poli%y of the +meri%an go$ernment to %onfis%ate
the pri$ate property of its %iti0ens5 Shame on youB Shame on all of you for
e$en thin'ing su%h a horri!le thought"1
13ut Milo,1 Ma/or -an!y interrupted timidly, 1.e1re at .ar .ith 6ermany, and
those are 6erman planes"1
1They are no su%h thingB1 Milo retorted furiously" 1Those planes !elong to the
syndi%ate, and e$ery!ody has a share" 'onfiscate" Ho. %an you possi!ly
%onfis%ate your o.n pri$ate property5 'onfiscate, indeedB #1$e ne$er heard
anything so depra$ed in my .hole life"1
+nd sure enough, Milo .as right, for .hen they loo'ed, his me%hani%s had
painted out the 6erman s.asti'as on the .ings, tails and fuselages .ith
dou!le %oats of flat .hite and sten%iled in the .ords M I M
,T*P*#SS, 7#, 7*:#TS +,- P*(-:C" *ight !efore their eyes he
had transformed his syndi%ate into an international %artel"
Milo1s argosies of plenty no. filled the air" Planes poured in from ,or.ay,
-enmar', 7ran%e, 6ermany, +ustria, #taly, )ugosla$ia, *omania, 3ulgaria,
S.eden, 7inland, Poland = from e$ery.here in urope, in fa%t, !ut *ussia,
.ith .hom Milo refused to do !usiness" ;hen e$ery!ody .ho .as going to
had signed up .ith M I M nterprises, 7ine 7ruits and Produ%e, Milo
%reated a .holly o.ned su!sidiary, M I M 7an%y Pastry, and o!tained
more airplanes and more money from the mess funds for s%ones and
%rumpets from the 3ritish #sles, prune and %heese -anish from
Copenhagen, J%lairs, %ream puffs, ,apoleons and petits fours from Paris,
*eims and 6reno!le, ;ugelhopf, pumperni%'el and .fefferkuchen from
3erlin, Lin-er and Dobos ,orten from Fienna, Strudel from Hungary
and baklava from +n'ara" a%h morning Milo sent planes aloft all o$er
urope and ,orth +fri%a hauling long red to. signs ad$ertising the day1s
spe%ials in large s2uare letters@ 1)*(:,-, E9P? ;H#T#,6, <1P"1 He
!oosted %ash in%ome for the syndi%ate !y leasing to. signs to Pet Mil',
6aines -og 7ood, and ,o40ema" #n a spirit of %i$i% enterprise, he regularly
allotted a %ertain amount of free aerial ad$ertising spa%e to 6eneral
Pe%'em for the propagation of su%h messages in the pu!li% interest as
,+T,SS C(:,TS, H+ST M+>S ;+ST, and TH 7+M#&) TH+T
P*+)S T(6TH* ST+)S T(6TH*" Milo pur%hased spot radio
announ%ements on +4is Sally1s and &ord Ha. Ha.1s daily propaganda
!road%asts from 3erlin to 'eep things mo$ing" 3usiness !oomed on e$ery
!attlefront"
Milo1s planes .ere a familiar sight" They had freedom of passage
e$ery.here, and one day Milo %ontra%ted .ith the +meri%an military
authorities to !om! the 6erman9held high.ay !ridge at (r$ieto and .ith the
6erman military authorities to defend the high.ay !ridge at (r$ieto .ith
antiair%raft fire against his o.n atta%'" His fee for atta%'ing the !ridge for
+meri%a .as the total %ost of the operation plus si4 per %ent and his fee
from 6ermany for defending the !ridge .as the same %ost9plus9si4
agreement augmented !y a merit !onus of a thousand dollars for e$ery
+meri%an plane he shot do.n" The %onsummation of these deals
represented an important $i%tory for pri$ate enterprise, he pointed out, sin%e
the armies of !oth %ountries .ere so%iali0ed institutions" (n%e the %ontra%ts
.ere signed, there seemed to !e no point in using the resour%es of the
syndi%ate to !om! and defend the !ridge, inasmu%h as !oth go$ernments
had ample men and material right there to do so and .ere perfe%tly happy
to %ontri!ute them, and in the end Milo reali0ed a fantasti% profit from !oth
hal$es of his pro/e%t for doing nothing more than signing his name t.i%e"
The arrangements .ere fair to !oth sides" Sin%e Milo did ha$e freedom of
passage e$ery.here, his planes .ere a!le to steal o$er in a snea' atta%'
.ithout alerting the 6erman antiair%raft gunnersA and sin%e Milo 'ne. a!out
the atta%', he .as a!le to alert the 6erman antiair%raft gunners in suffi%ient
time for them to !egin firing a%%urately the moment the planes %ame into
range" #t .as an ideal arrangement for e$eryone !ut the dead man in
)ossarian1s tent, .ho .as 'illed o$er the target the day he arri$ed"
1# didn1t 'ill himB1 Milo 'ept replying passionately to )ossarian1s angry
protest" 1# .asn1t e$en there that day, # tell you" -o you thin' # .as do.n
there on the ground firing an antiair%raft gun .hen the planes %ame o$er51
13ut you organi0ed the .hole thing, didn1t you51 )ossarian shouted !a%' at
him in the $el$et dar'ness %loa'ing the path leading past the still $ehi%les of
the motor pool to the open9air mo$ie theater"
1+nd # didn1t organi0e anything,1 Milo ans.ered indignantly, dra.ing great
agitated sniffs of air in through his hissing, pale, t.it%hing nose" 1The
6ermans ha$e the !ridge, and .e .ere going to !om! it, .hether # stepped
into the pi%ture or not" # /ust sa. a .onderful opportunity to ma'e some
profit out of the mission, and # too' it" ;hat1s so terri!le a!out that51
1;hat1s so terri!le a!out it5 Milo, a man in my tent .as 'illed on that
mission !efore he %ould e$en unpa%' his !ags"1
13ut # didn1t 'ill him"1
1)ou got a thousand dollars e4tra for it"1
13ut # didn1t 'ill him" # .asn1t e$en there, # tell you" # .as in 3ar%elona !uying
oli$e oil and s'inless and !oneless sardines, and #1$e got the pur%hase
orders to pro$e it" +nd # didn1t get the thousand dollars" That thousand
dollars .ent to the syndi%ate, and e$ery!ody got a share, e$en you"1 Milo
.as appealing to )ossarian from the !ottom of his soul" 1&oo', # didn1t start
this .ar, )ossarian, no matter .hat that lousy ;intergreen is saying" #1m
/ust trying to put it on a !usinessli'e !asis" #s anything .rong .ith that5 )ou
'no., a thousand dollars ain1t su%h a !ad pri%e for a medium !om!er and a
%re." #f # %an persuade the 6ermans to pay me a thousand dollars for e$ery
plane they shoot do.n, .hy shouldn1t # ta'e it51
13e%ause you1re dealing .ith the enemy, that1s .hy" Can1t you understand
that .e1re fighting a .ar5 People are dying" &oo' around you, for Christ1s
sa'eB1
Milo shoo' his head .ith .eary for!earan%e" 1+nd the 6ermans are not our
enemies,1 he de%lared" 1(h # 'no. .hat you1re going to say" Sure, .e1re at
.ar .ith them" 3ut the 6ermans are also mem!ers in good standing of the
syndi%ate, and it1s my /o! to prote%t their rights as shareholders" May!e
they did start the .ar, and may!e they are 'illing millions of people, !ut they
pay their !ills a lot more promptly than some allies of ours # %ould name"
-on1t you understand that # ha$e to respe%t the san%tity of my %ontra%t .ith
6ermany5 Can1t you see it from my point of $ie.51
1,o,1 )ossarian re!uffed him harshly"
Milo .as stung and made no effort to disguise his .ounded feelings" #t .as
a muggy, moonlit night filled .ith gnats, moths, and mos2uitoes" Milo lifted
his arm suddenly and pointed to.ard the open9air theater, .here the mil'y,
dust9filled !eam !ursting hori0ontally from the pro/e%tor slashed a %oneli'e
s.ath in the !la%'ness and draped in a fluores%ent mem!rane of light the
audien%e tilted on the seats there in hypnoti% sags, their fa%es fo%used
up.ard to.ard the alumini0ed mo$ie s%reen" Milo1s eyes .ere li2uid .ith
integrity, and his artless and un%orrupted fa%e .as lustrous .ith a shining
mi4ture of s.eat and inse%t repellent"
1&oo' at them,1 he e4%laimed in a $oi%e %ho'ed .ith emotion" 1They1re my
friends, my %ountrymen, my %omrades in arms" + fello. ne$er had a !etter
!un%h of !uddies" -o you thin' #1d do a single thing to harm them if # didn1t
ha$e to5 Ha$en1t # got enough on my mind5 Can1t you see ho. upset # am
already a!out all that %otton piling up on those piers in gypt51 Milo1s $oi%e
splintered into fragments, and he %lut%hed at )ossarian1s shirt front as
though dro.ning" His eyes .ere thro!!ing $isi!ly li'e !ro.n %aterpillars"
1)ossarian, .hat am # going to do .ith so mu%h %otton5 #t1s all your fault for
letting me !uy it"1
The %otton .as piling up on the piers in gypt, and no!ody .anted any"
Milo had ne$er dreamed that the ,ile Falley %ould !e so fertile or that there
.ould !e no mar'et at all for the %rop he had !ought" The mess halls in his
syndi%ate .ould not helpA they rose up in un%ompromising re!ellion against
his proposal to ta4 them on a per %apita !asis in order to ena!le ea%h man
to o.n his o.n share of the gyptian %otton %rop" $en his relia!le friends
the 6ermans failed him in this %risis@ they preferred ersat0" Milo1s mess
halls .ould not e$en help him store the %otton, and his .arehousing %osts
s'yro%'eted and %ontri!uted to the de$astating drain upon his %ash
reser$es" The profits from the (r$ieto mission .ere su%'ed a.ay" He
!egan .riting home for the money he had sent !a%' in !etter daysA soon
that .as almost gone" +nd ne. !ales of %otton 'ept arri$ing on the .har$es
at +le4andria e$ery day" a%h time he su%%eeded in dumping some on the
.orld mar'et for a loss it .as snapped up !y %anny gyptian !ro'ers in the
&e$ant, .ho sold it !a%' to him at the original pri%e, so that he .as really
.orse off than !efore"
M I M nterprises $erged on %ollapse" Milo %ursed himself hourly for his
monumental greed and stupidity in pur%hasing the entire gyptian %otton
%rop, !ut a %ontra%t .as a %ontra%t and had to !e honored, and one night,
after a sumptuous e$ening meal, all Milo1s fighters and !om!ers too' off,
/oined in formation dire%tly o$erhead and !egan dropping !om!s on the
group" He had landed another %ontra%t .ith the 6ermans, this time to !om!
his o.n outfit" Milo1s planes separated in a .ell %o9ordinated atta%' and
!om!ed the fuel sto%'s and the ordnan%e dump, the repair hangars and the
39<5 !om!ers resting on the lollipop9shaped hardstands at the field" His
%re.s spared the landing strip and the mess halls so that they %ould land
safely .hen their .or' .as done and en/oy a hot sna%' !efore retiring"
They !om!ed .ith their landing lights on, sin%e no one .as shooting !a%'"
They !om!ed all four s2uadrons, the offi%ers1 %lu! and the 6roup
Head2uarters !uilding" Men !olted from their tents in sheer terror and did
not 'no. in .hi%h dire%tion to turn" ;ounded soon lay s%reaming
e$ery.here" + %luster of fragmentation !om!s e4ploded in the yard of the
offi%ers1 %lu! and pun%hed /agged holes in the side of the .ooden !uilding
and in the !ellies and !a%'s of a ro. of lieutenants and %aptains standing at
the !ar" They dou!led o$er in agony and dropped" The rest of the offi%ers
fled to.ard the t.o e4its in pani% and /ammed up the door.ays li'e a
dense, ho.ling dam of human flesh as they shran' from going farther"
Colonel Cath%art %la.ed and el!o.ed his .ay through the unruly,
!e.ildered mass until he stood outside !y himself" He stared up at the s'y
in star' astonishment and horror" Milo1s planes, !allooning serenely in o$er
the !lossoming treetops .ith their !om! !ay doors open and .ing flaps
do.n and .ith their monstrous, !ug9eyed, !linding, fier%ely fli%'ering, eerie
landing lights on, .ere the most apo%alypti% sight he had e$er !eheld"
Colonel Cath%art let go a stri%'en gasp of dismay and hurled himself
headlong into his /eep, almost so!!ing" He found the gas pedal and the
ignition and sped to.ard the airfield as fast as the ro%'ing %ar .ould %arry
him, his huge fla!!y hands %len%hed and !loodless on the .heel or !laring
his horn tormentedly" (n%e he almost 'illed himself .hen he s.er$ed .ith a
!anshee s%ree%h of tires to a$oid plo.ing into a !un%h of men running
%ra0ily to.ard the hills in their under.ear .ith their stunned fa%es do.n and
their thin arms pressed high around their temples as puny shields" )ello.,
orange and red fires .ere !urning on !oth sides of the road" Tents and
trees .ere in flames, and Milo1s planes 'ept %oming around intermina!ly
.ith their !lin'ing .hite landing lights on and their !om! !ay doors open"
Colonel Cath%art almost turned the /eep o$er .hen he slammed the !ra'es
on at the %ontrol to.er" He leaped from the %ar .hile it .as still s'idding
dangerously and hurtled up the flight of steps inside, .here three men .ere
!usy at the instruments and the %ontrols" He !o.led t.o of them aside in
his lunge for the ni%'el9plated mi%rophone, his eyes glittering .ildly and his
!eefy fa%e %ontorted .ith stress" He s2uee0ed the mi%rophone in a !estial
grip and !egan shouting hysteri%ally at the top of his $oi%e"
1Milo, you son of a !it%hB +re you %ra0y5 ;hat the hell are you doing5 Come
do.nB Come do.nB1
1Stop hollering so mu%h, .ill you51 ans.ered Milo, .ho .as standing there
right !eside him in the %ontrol to.er .ith a mi%rophone of his o.n" 1#1m right
here"1 Milo loo'ed at him .ith reproof and turned !a%' to his .or'" 1Fery
good, men, $ery good,1 he %hanted into his mi%rophone" 13ut # see one
supply shed still standing" That .ill ne$er do, Pur$is = #1$e spo'en to you
a!out that 'ind of shoddy .or' !efore" ,o., you go right !a%' there this
minute and try it again" +nd this time %ome in slo.ly? slo.ly" Haste ma'es
.aste, Pur$is" Haste ma'es .aste" #f #1$e told you that on%e, # must ha$e
told you that a hundred times" Haste ma'es .aste"1
The loudspea'er o$erhead !egan s2ua.'ing" 1Milo, this is +l$in 3ro.n" #1$e
finished dropping my !om!s" ;hat should # do no.51
1Strafe,1 said Milo"
1Strafe"1 +l$in 3ro.n .as sho%'ed"
1;e ha$e no %hoi%e,1 Milo informed him resignedly" 1#t1s in the %ontra%t"1
1(h, o'ay, then,1 +l$in 3ro.n a%2uies%ed" 1#n that %ase #1ll strafe"1
This time Milo had gone too far" 3om!ing his o.n men and planes .as
more than e$en the most phlegmati% o!ser$er %ould stoma%h, and it loo'ed
li'e the end for him" High9ran'ing go$ernment offi%ials poured in to
in$estigate" ,e.spapers in$eighed against Milo .ith glaring headlines, and
Congressmen denoun%ed the atro%ity in stentorian .rath and %lamored for
punishment" Mothers .ith %hildren in the ser$i%e organi0ed into militant
groups and demanded re$enge" ,ot one $oi%e .as raised in his defense"
-e%ent people e$ery.here .ere affronted, and Milo .as all .ashed up until
he opened his !oo's to the pu!li% and dis%losed the tremendous profit he
had made" He %ould reim!urse the go$ernment for all the people and
property he had destroyed and still ha$e enough money left o$er to
%ontinue !uying gyptian %otton" $ery!ody, of %ourse, o.ned a share" +nd
the s.eetest part of the .hole deal .as that there really .as no need to
reim!urse the go$ernment at all"
1#n a demo%ra%y, the go$ernment is the people,1 Milo e4plained" 1;e1re
people, aren1t .e5 So .e might /ust as .ell 'eep the money and eliminate
the middleman" 7ran'ly, #1d li'e to see the go$ernment get out of .ar
altogether and lea$e the .hole field to pri$ate industry" #f .e pay the
go$ernment e$erything .e o.e it, .e1ll only !e en%ouraging go$ernment
%ontrol and dis%ouraging other indi$iduals from !om!ing their o.n men and
planes" ;e1ll !e ta'ing a.ay their in%enti$e"1
Milo .as %orre%t, of %ourse, as e$eryone soon agreed !ut a fe. em!ittered
misfits li'e -o% -anee'a, .ho sul'ed %antan'erously and muttered
offensi$e insinuations a!out the morality of the .hole $enture until Milo
mollified him .ith a donation, in the name of the syndi%ate, of a light.eight
aluminum %ollapsi!le garden %hair that -o% -anee'a %ould fold up
%on$eniently and %arry outside his tent ea%h time Chief ;hite Halfoat %ame
inside his tent and %arry !a%' inside his tent ea%h time Chief ;hite Halfoat
%ame out" -o% -anee'a had lost his head during Milo1s !om!ardmentA
instead of running for %o$er, he had remained out in the open and
performed his duty, slithering along the ground through shrapnel, strafing
and in%endiary !om!s li'e a furti$e, .ily li0ard from %asualty to %asualty,
administering tourni2uets, morphine, splints and sulfanilamide .ith a dar'
and doleful $isage, ne$er saying one .ord more than he had to and reading
in ea%h man1s !luing .ound a dreadful portent of his o.n de%ay" He .or'ed
himself relentlessly into e4haustion !efore the long night .as o$er and
%ame do.n .ith a snife the ne4t day that sent him hurrying 2uerulously into
the medi%al tent to ha$e his temperature ta'en !y 6us and ;es and to
o!tain a mustard plaster and $apori0er"
-o% -anee'a tended ea%h moaning man that night .ith the same glum and
profound and intro$erted grief he sho.ed at the airfield the day of the
+$ignon mission .hen )ossarian %lim!ed do.n the fe. steps of his plane
na'ed, in a state of utter sho%', .ith Sno.den smeared a!undantly all o$er
his !are heels and toes, 'nees, arms and fingers, and pointed inside
.ordlessly to.ard .here the young radio9gunner lay free0ing to death on
the floor !eside the still younger tail9gunner .ho 'ept falling !a%' into a
dead faint ea%h time he opened his eyes and sa. Sno.den dying"
-o% -anee'a draped a !lan'et around )ossarian1s shoulders almost
tenderly after Sno.den had !een remo$ed from the plane and %arried into
an am!ulan%e on a stret%her" He led )ossarian to.ard his /eep" M%;att
helped, and the three dro$e in silen%e to the s2uadron medi%al tent, .here
M%;att and -o% -anee'a guided )ossarian inside to a %hair and .ashed
Sno.den off him .ith %old .et !alls of a!sor!ent %otton" -o% -anee'a
ga$e him a pill and a shot that put him to sleep for t.el$e hours" ;hen
)ossarian .o'e up and .ent to see him, -o% -anee'a ga$e him another
pill and a shot that put him to sleep for another t.el$e hours" ;hen
)ossarian .o'e up again and .ent to see him, -o% -anee'a made ready
to gi$e him another pill and a shot"
1Ho. long are you going to 'eep gi$ing me those pills and shots51
)ossarian as'ed him"
1:ntil you feel !etter"1
1# feel all right no."1
-o% -anee'a1s frail suntanned forehead furro.ed .ith surprise" 1Then .hy
don1t you put some %lothes on5 ;hy are you .al'ing around na'ed51
1# don1t .ant to .ear a uniform any more"1
-o% -anee'a a%%epted the e4planation and put a.ay his hypodermi%
syringe" 1+re you sure you feel all right51
1# feel fine" #1m /ust a little logy from all those pills and shots you1$e !een
gi$ing me"1
)ossarian .ent a!out his !usiness .ith no %lothes on all the rest of that day
and .as still na'ed late the ne4t morning .hen Milo, after hunting
e$ery.here else, finally found him sitting up a tree a small distan%e in !a%'
of the 2uaint little military %emetery at .hi%h Sno.den .as !eing !uried"
Milo .as dressed in his %ustomary !usiness attire = oli$e9dra! trousers, a
fresh oli$e9dra! shirt and tie, .ith one sil$er first lieutenant1s !ar gleaming
on the %ollar, and a regulation dress %ap .ith a stiff leather !ill"
1#1$e !een loo'ing all o$er for you,1 Milo %alled up to )ossarian from the
ground reproa%hfully"
1)ou should ha$e loo'ed for me in this tree,1 )ossarian ans.ered" 1#1$e !een
up here all morning"1
1Come on do.n and taste this and tell me if it1s good" #t1s $ery important"1
)ossarian shoo' his head" He sat nude on the lo.est lim! of the tree and
!alan%ed himself .ith !oth hands grasping the !ough dire%tly a!o$e" He
refused to !udge, and Milo had no %hoi%e !ut to stret%h !oth arms a!out the
trun' in a distasteful hug and start %lim!ing" He struggled up.ard %lumsily
.ith loud grunts and .hee0es, and his %lothes .ere s2uashed and %roo'ed
!y the time he pulled himself up high enough to hoo' a leg o$er the lim!
and pause for !reath" His dress %ap .as as'e. and in danger of falling"
Milo %aught it /ust in time .hen it !egan slipping" 6lo!ules of perspiration
glistened li'e transparent pearls around his musta%he and s.elled li'e
opa2ue !listers under his eyes" )ossarian .at%hed him impassi$ely"
Cautiously Milo .or'ed himself around in a half %ir%le so that he %ould fa%e
)ossarian" He un.rapped tissue paper from something soft, round and
!ro.n and handed it to )ossarian"
1Please taste this and let me 'no. .hat you thin'" #1d li'e to ser$e it to the
men"1
1;hat is it51 as'ed )ossarian, and too' a !ig !ite"
1Cho%olate9%o$ered %otton"1
)ossarian gagged %on$ulsi$ely and sprayed his !ig mouthful of %ho%olate9
%o$ered %otton right into Milo1s fa%e" 1Here, ta'e it !a%'B1 he spouted angrily"
1Jesus ChristB Ha$e you gone %ra0y5 )ou didn1t e$en ta'e the goddam
seeds out"1
16i$e it a %han%e, .ill you51 Milo !egged" 1#t %an1t !e that !ad" #s it really that
!ad51
1#t1s e$en .orse"1
13ut #1$e got to ma'e the mess halls feed it to the men"1
1They1ll ne$er !e a!le to s.allo. it"1
1They1$e got to s.allo. it,1 Milo ordained .ith di%tatorial grandeur, and
almost !ro'e his ne%' .hen he let go .ith one arm to .a$e a righteous
finger in the air"
1Come on out here,1 )ossarian in$ited him" 1)ou1ll !e mu%h safer, and you
%an see e$erything"1
6ripping the !ough a!o$e .ith !oth hands, Milo !egan in%hing his .ay out
on the lim! side.ays .ith utmost %are and apprehension" His fa%e .as rigid
.ith tension, and he sighed .ith relief .hen he found himself seated
se%urely !eside )ossarian" He stro'ed the tree affe%tionately" 1This is a
pretty good tree,1 he o!ser$ed admiringly .ith proprietary gratitude"
1#t1s the tree of life,1 )ossarian ans.ered, .aggling his toes, 1and of
'no.ledge of good and e$il, too"1
Milo s2uinted %losely at the !ar' and !ran%hes" 1,o it isn1t,1 he replied" 1#t1s a
%hestnut tree" # ought to 'no." # sell %hestnuts"1
1Ha$e it your .ay"1
They sat in the tree .ithout tal'ing for se$eral se%onds, their legs dangling
and their hands almost straight up on the !ough a!o$e, the one %ompletely
nude !ut for a pair of %repe9soled sandals, the other %ompletely dressed in
a %oarse oli$e9dra! .oolen uniform .ith his tie 'notted tight" Milo studied
)ossarian diffidently through the %orner of his eye, hesitating ta%tfully"
1# .ant to as' you something,1 he said at last" 1)ou don1t ha$e any %lothes
on" # don1t .ant to !utt in or anything, !ut # /ust .ant to 'no." ;hy aren1t
you .earing your uniform51
1# don1t .ant to"1
Milo nodded rapidly li'e a sparro. pe%'ing" 1# see, # see,1 he stated 2ui%'ly
.ith a loo' of $i$id %onfusion" 1# understand perfe%tly" # heard +pple!y and
Captain 3la%' say you had gone %ra0y, and # /ust .anted to find out"1 He
hesitated politely again, .eighing his ne4t 2uestion" 1+ren1t you e$er going
to put your uniform on again51
1# don1t thin' so"1
Milo nodded .ith spurious $im to indi%ate he still understood and then sat
silent, ruminating gra$ely .ith trou!led misgi$ing" + s%arlet9%rested !ird
shot !y !elo., !rushing sure dar' .ings against a 2ui$ering !ush"
)ossarian and Milo .ere %o$ered in their !o.er !y tissue9thin tiers of
sloping green and largely surrounded !y other gray %hestnut trees and a
sil$er spru%e" The sun .as high o$erhead in a $ast sapphire9!lue s'y
!eaded .ith lo., isolated, puffy %louds of dry and imma%ulate .hite" There
.as no !ree0e, and the lea$es a!out them hung motionless" The shade
.as feathery" $erything .as at pea%e !ut Milo, .ho straightened suddenly
.ith a muffled %ry and !egan pointing e4%itedly"
1&oo' at thatB1 he e4%laimed in alarm" 1&oo' at thatB That1s a funeral going on
do.n there" That loo's li'e the %emetery" #sn1t it51
)ossarian ans.ered him slo.ly in a le$el $oi%e" 1They1re !urying that 'id
.ho got 'illed in my plane o$er +$ignon the other day" Sno.den"1
1;hat happened to him51 Milo as'ed in a $oi%e deadened .ith a.e"
1He got 'illed"1
1That1s terri!le,1 Milo grie$ed, and his large !ro.n eyes filled .ith tears"
1That poor 'id" #t really is terri!le"1 He !it his trem!ling lip hard, and his $oi%e
rose .ith emotion .hen he %ontinued" 1+nd it .ill get e$en .orse if the
mess halls don1t agree to !uy my %otton" )ossarian, .hat1s the matter .ith
them5 -on1t they reali0e it1s their syndi%ate5 -on1t they 'no. they1$e all got
a share51
1-id the dead man in my tent ha$e a share51 )ossarian demanded
%austi%ally"
1(f %ourse he did,1 Milo assured him la$ishly" 1$ery!ody in the s2uadron
has a share"1
1He .as 'illed !efore he e$en got into the s2uadron"1
Milo made a deft grima%e of tri!ulation and turned a.ay" 1# .ish you1d stop
pi%'ing on me a!out that dead man in your tent,1 he pleaded pee$ishly" 1#
told you # didn1t ha$e anything to do .ith 'illing him" #s it my fault that # sa.
this great opportunity to %orner the mar'et on gyptian %otton and got us
into all this trou!le5 ;as # supposed to 'no. there .as going to !e a glut5 #
didn1t e$en 'no. .hat a glut .as in those days" +n opportunity to %orner a
mar'et doesn1t %ome along $ery often, and # .as pretty shre.d to gra! the
%han%e .hen # had it"1 Milo gulped !a%' a moan as he sa. si4 uniformed
pall!earers lift the plain pine %offin from the am!ulan%e and set it gently
do.n on the ground !eside the ya.ning gash of the freshly dug gra$e" 1+nd
no. # %an1t get rid of a single penny1s .orth,1 he mourned"
)ossarian .as unmo$ed !y the fustian %harade of the !urial %eremony, and
!y Milo1s %rushing !erea$ement" The %haplain1s $oi%e floated up to him
through the distan%e tenuously in an unintelligi!le, almost inaudi!le
monotone, li'e a gaseous murmur" )ossarian %ould ma'e out Ma/or Ma/or
!y his to.ering and lan'y aloofness and thought he re%ogni0ed Ma/or
-an!y mopping his !ro. .ith a hand'er%hief" Ma/or -an!y had not stopped
sha'ing sin%e his run9in .ith 6eneral -reedle" There .ere strands of
enlisted men molded in a %ur$e around the three offi%ers, as infle4i!le as
lumps of .ood, and four idle gra$ediggers in strea'ed fatigues lounging
indifferently on spades near the sho%'ing, in%ongruous heap of loose
%opperred earth" +s )ossarian stared, the %haplain ele$ated his ga0e
to.ard )ossarian !eatifi%ally, pressed his fingers do.n o$er his eye!alls in
a manner of affli%tion, peered up.ard again to.ard )ossarian sear%hingly,
and !o.ed his head, %on%luding .hat )ossarian too' to !e a %lima%ti% part
of the funeral rite" The four men in fatigues lifted the %offin on slings and
lo.ered it into the gra$e" Milo shuddered $iolently"
1# %an1t .at%h it,1 he %ried, turning a.ay in anguish" 1# /ust %an1t sit here and
.at%h .hile those mess halls let my syndi%ate die"1 He gnashed his teeth
and shoo' his head .ith !itter .oe and resentment" 1#f they had any loyalty,
they .ould !uy my %otton till it hurts so that they %an 'eep right on !uying
my %otton till it hurts them some more" They .ould !uild fires and !urn up
their under.ear and summer uniforms /ust to %reate !igger demand" 3ut
they .on1t do a thing" )ossarian, try eating the rest of this %ho%olate9
%o$ered %otton for me" May!e it .ill taste deli%ious no."1
)ossarian pushed his hand a.ay" 16i$e up, Milo" People %an1t eat %otton"1
Milo1s fa%e narro.ed %unningly" 1#t isn1t really %otton,1 he %oa4ed" 1# .as
/o'ing" #t1s really %otton %andy, deli%ious %otton %andy" Try it and see"1
1,o. you1re lying"1
1# ne$er lieB1 Milo re/oindered .ith proud dignity"
1)ou1re lying no."1
1# only lie .hen it1s ne%essary,1 Milo e4plained defensi$ely, a$erting his eyes
for a moment and !lin'ing his lashes .inningly" 1This stuff is !etter than
%otton %andy, really it is" #t1s made out of real %otton" )ossarian, you1$e got
to help me ma'e the men eat it" gyptian %otton is the finest %otton in the
.orld"1
13ut it1s indigesti!le,1 )ossarian emphasi0ed" 1#t .ill ma'e them si%', don1t
you understand5 ;hy don1t you try li$ing on it yourself if you don1t !elie$e
me51
1# did try,1 admitted Milo gloomily" 1+nd it made me si%'"1
The gra$eyard .as yello. as hay and green as %oo'ed %a!!age" #n a little
.hile the %haplain stepped !a%', and the !eige %res%ent of human forms
!egan to !rea' up sluggishly, li'e flotsam" The men drifted .ithout haste or
sound to the $ehi%les par'ed along the side of the !umpy dirt road" ;ith
their heads do.n dis%onsolately, the %haplain, Ma/or Ma/or and Ma/or
-an!y mo$ed to.ard their /eeps in an ostra%i0ed group, ea%h holding
himself friendlessly se$eral feet a.ay from the other t.o"
1#t1s all o$er,1 o!ser$ed )ossarian"
1#t1s the end,1 Milo agreed despondently" 1There1s no hope left" +nd all
!e%ause # left them free to ma'e their o.n de%isions" That should tea%h me
a lesson a!out dis%ipline the ne4t time # try something li'e this"1
1;hy don1t you sell your %otton to the go$ernment51 )ossarian suggested
%asually, as he .at%hed the four men in strea'ed fatigues sho$eling
heaping !ladefuls of the %opper9red earth !a%' do.n inside the gra$e"
Milo $etoed the idea !rus2uely" 1#t1s a matter of prin%iple,1 he e4plained
firmly" 1The go$ernment has no !usiness in !usiness, and # .ould !e the
last person in the .orld to e$er try to in$ol$e the go$ernment in a !usiness
of mine" 3ut the !usiness of go$ernment is !usiness,1 he remem!ered
alertly, and %ontinued .ith elation" 1Cal$in Coolidge said that, and Cal$in
Coolidge .as a President, so it must !e true" +nd the go$ernment does
ha$e the responsi!ility of !uying all the gyptian %otton #1$e got that no one
else .ants so that # %an ma'e a profit, doesn1t it51 Milo1s fa%e %louded
almost as a!ruptly, and his spirits des%ended into a state of sad an4iety"
13ut ho. .ill # get the go$ernment to do it51
13ri!e it,1 )ossarian said"
13ri!e itB1 Milo .as outraged and almost lost his !alan%e and !ro'e his ne%'
again" 1Shame on youB1 he s%olded se$erely, !reathing $irtuous fire do.n
and up.ard into his rusty musta%he through his !illo.ing nostrils and prim
lips" 13ri!ery is against the la., and you 'no. it" 3ut it1s not against the la.
to ma'e a profit, is it5 So it %an1t !e against the la. for me to !ri!e someone
in order to ma'e a fair profit, %an it5 ,o, of %ourse notB1 He fell to !rooding
again, .ith a mee', almost pitia!le distress" 13ut ho. .ill # 'no. .ho to
!ri!e51
1(h, don1t you .orry a!out that,1 )ossarian %omforted him .ith a toneless
sni%'er as the engines of the /eeps and am!ulan%e fra%tured the dro.sy
silen%e and the $ehi%les in the rear !egan dri$ing a.ay !a%'.ard" 1)ou
ma'e the !ri!e !ig enough and they1ll find you" Just ma'e sure you do
e$erything right out in the open" &et e$eryone 'no. e4a%tly .hat you .ant
and ho. mu%h you1re .illing to pay for it" The first time you a%t guilty or
ashamed, you might get into trou!le"1
1# .ish you1d %ome .ith me,1 Milo remar'ed" 1# .on1t feel safe among people
.ho ta'e !ri!es" They1re no !etter than a !un%h of %roo's"1
1)ou1ll !e all right,1 )ossarian assured him .ith %onfiden%e" 1#f you run into
trou!le, /ust tell e$ery!ody that the se%urity of the %ountry re2uires a strong
domesti% gyptian9%otton spe%ulating industry"1
1#t does,1 Milo informed him solemnly" 1+ strong gyptian9%otton spe%ulating
industry means a mu%h stronger +meri%a"1
1(f %ourse it does" +nd if that doesn1t .or', point out the great num!er of
+meri%an families that depend on it for in%ome"1
1+ great many +meri%an families do depend on it for in%ome"1
1)ou see51 said )ossarian" 1)ou1re mu%h !etter at it than # am" )ou almost
ma'e it sound true"1
1#t is true,1 Milo e4%laimed .ith a strong tra%e of old hauteur"
1That1s .hat # mean" )ou do it .ith /ust the right amount of %on$i%tion"1
1)ou1re sure you .on1t %ome .ith me51
)ossarian shoo' his head"
Milo .as impatient to get started" He stuffed the remainder of the %ho%olate9
%o$ered %otton !all into his shirt po%'et and edged his .ay !a%' gingerly
along the !ran%h to the smooth gray trun'" He thre. this arms a!out the
trun' in a generous and a.'.ard em!ra%e and !egan shinnying do.n, the
sides of his leather9soled shoes slipping %onstantly so that it seemed many
times he .ould fall and in/ure himself" Half.ay do.n, he %hanged his mind
and %lim!ed !a%' up" 3its of tree !ar' stu%' to his musta%he, and his
straining fa%e .as flushed .ith e4ertion"
1# .ish you1d put your uniform on instead of going around na'ed that .ay,1
he %onfided pensi$ely !efore he %lim!ed !a%' do.n again and hurried
a.ay" 1)ou might start a trend, and then #1ll ne$er get rid of all this
goldarned %otton"1
The Chaplain
#t .as already some time sin%e the %haplain had first !egun .ondering .hat
e$erything .as all a!out" ;as there a 6od5 Ho. %ould he !e sure5 3eing
an +na!aptist minister in the +meri%an +rmy .as diffi%ult enough under the
!est of %ir%umstan%esA .ithout dogma, it .as almost intolera!le"
People .ith loud $oi%es frightened him" 3ra$e, aggressi$e men of a%tion
li'e Colonel Cath%art left him feeling helpless and alone" ;here$er he .ent
in the +rmy, he .as a stranger" nlisted men and offi%ers did not %ondu%t
themsel$es .ith him as they %ondu%ted themsel$es .ith other enlisted men
and offi%ers, and e$en other %haplains .ere not as friendly to.ard him as
they .ere to.ard ea%h other" #n a .orld in .hi%h su%%ess .as the only
$irtue, he had resigned himself to failure" He .as painfully a.are that he
la%'ed the e%%lesiasti%al aplom! and sa$oir9faire that ena!led so many of
his %olleagues in other faiths and se%ts to get ahead" He .as /ust not
e2uipped to e4%el" He thought of himself as ugly and .anted daily to !e
home .ith his .ife"
+%tually, the %haplain .as almost good9loo'ing, .ith a pleasant, sensiti$e
fa%e as pale and !rittle as sandstone" His mind .as open on e$ery su!/e%t"
Perhaps he really .as ;ashington #r$ing, and perhaps he really had !een
signing ;ashington #r$ing1s name to those letters he 'ne. nothing a!out"
Su%h lapses of memory .ere not un%ommon in medi%al annals, he 'ne."
There .as no .ay of really 'no.ing anything" He remem!ered $ery
distin%tly = or .as under the impression he remem!ered $ery distin%tly =
his feeling that he had met )ossarian some.here !efore the first time
he had met )ossarian lying in !ed in the hospital" He remem!ered
e4perien%ing the same dis2uieting sensation almost t.o .ee's later .hen
)ossarian appeared at his tent to as' to !e ta'en off %om!at duty" 3y that
time, of %ourse, the %haplain had met )ossarian some.here !efore, in that
odd, unorthodo4 .ard in .hi%h e$ery patient seemed delin2uent !ut the
unfortunate patient %o$ered from head to toe in .hite !andages and plaster
.ho .as found dead one day .ith a thermometer in his mouth" 3ut the
%haplain1s impression of a prior meeting .as of some o%%asion far more
momentous and o%%ult than that, of a signifi%ant en%ounter .ith )ossarian
in some remote, su!merged and perhaps e$en entirely spiritual epo%h in
.hi%h he had made the identi%al, foredooming admission that there .as
nothing, a!solutely nothing, he %ould do to help him"
-ou!ts of su%h 'ind gna.ed at the %haplain1s lean, suffering frame
insatia!ly" ;as there a single true faith, or a life after death5 Ho. many
angels %ould dan%e on the head of a pin, and .ith .hat matters did 6od
o%%upy himself in all the infinite aeons !efore the Creation5 ;hy .as it
ne%essary to put a prote%ti$e seal on the !ro. of Cain if there #ere no other
people to prote%t him from5 Did +dam and $e produ%e daughters5 These
.ere the great, %omple4 2uestions of ontology that tormented him" )et they
ne$er seemed nearly as %ru%ial to him as the 2uestion of 'indness and
good manners" He .as pin%hed perspinngly in the epistemologi%al dilemma
of the s'epti%, una!le to a%%ept solutions to pro!lems he .as un.illing to
dismiss as unsol$a!le" He .as ne$er .ithout misery, and ne$er .ithout
hope"
1Ha$e you e$er,1 he in2uired hesitantly of )ossarian that day in his tent as
)ossarian sat holding in !oth hands the .arm !ottle of Co%a9Cola .ith
.hi%h the %haplain had!een a!le to sola%e him, 1!een in a situation .hi%h
you felt you had !een in !efore, e$en though you 'ne. you .ere
e4perien%ing it for the first time51 )ossarian nodded perfun%torily, and the
%haplain1s !reath 2ui%'ened in anti%ipation as he made ready to /oin his .ill
po.er .ith )ossarian1s in a prodigious effort to rip a.ay at last the
$oluminous !la%' folds shrouding the eternal mysteries of e4isten%e" 1-o
you ha$e that feeling no.51
)ossarian shoo' his head and e4plained that d123 vu .as /ust a momentary
infinitesimal lag in the operation of t.o %oa%ti$e sensory ner$e %enters that
%ommonly fun%tioned simultaneously" The %haplain s%ar%ely heard him" He
.as disappointed, !ut not in%lined to !elie$e )ossarian, for he had !een
gi$en a sign, a se%ret, enigmati% $ision that he still la%'ed the !oldness to
di$ulge" There .as no mista'ing the a.esome impli%ations of the %haplain1s
re$elation@ it .as either an insight of di$ine origin or a hallu%inationA he .as
either !lessed or losing his mind" 3oth prospe%ts filled him .ith e2ual fear
and depression" #t .as neither d123 vu, pres4ue vu nor 2amais vu. #t .as
possi!le that there .ere other vus of .hi%h he had ne$er heard and that
one of these other vus .ould e4plain su%%in%tly the !afing phenomenon of
.hi%h he had !een !oth a .itness and a partA it .as e$en possi!le that
none of .hat he thought had ta'en pla%e, really had ta'en pla%e, that he
.as dealing .ith an a!erration of memory rather than of per%eption, that he
ne$er really had thought he had seen, that his impression no. that he on%e
had thought so .as merely the illusion of an illusion, and that he .as only
no. imagining that he had e$er on%e imagined seeing a na'ed man sitting
in a tree at the %emetery"
#t .as o!$ious to the %haplain no. that he .as not parti%ularly .ell suited to
his .or', and he often spe%ulated .hether he might not !e happier ser$ing
in some other !ran%h of the ser$i%e, as a pri$ate in the infantry or field
artillery, perhaps, or e$en as a paratrooper" He had no real friends" 3efore
meeting )ossarian, there .as no one in the group .ith .hom he felt at
ease, and he .as hardly at ease .ith )ossarian, .hose fre2uent rash and
insu!ordinate out!ursts 'ept him almost %onstantly on edge and in an
am!iguous state of en/oya!le trepidation" The %haplain felt safe .hen he
.as at the offi%ers1 %lu! .ith )ossarian and -un!ar, and e$en .ith /ust
,ately and M%;att" ;hen he sat .ith them he had no need to sit .ith
anyone elseA his pro!lem of .here to sit .as sol$ed, and he .as prote%ted
against the undesired %ompany of all those fello. offi%ers .ho in$aria!ly
.el%omed him .ith e4%essi$e %ordiality .hen he approa%hed and .aited
un%omforta!ly for him to go a.ay" He made so many people uneasy"
$eryone .as al.ays $ery friendly to.ard him, and no one .as e$er $ery
ni%eA e$eryone spo'e to him, and no one e$er said anything" )ossarian and
-un!ar .ere mu%h more rela4ed, and the %haplain .as hardly
un%omforta!le .ith them at all" They e$en defended him the night Colonel
Cath%art tried to thro. him out of the offi%ers1 %lu! again, )ossarian rising
tru%ulently to inter$ene and ,ately shouting out, 15ossarian1 to restrain him"
Colonel Cath%art turned .hite as a sheet at the sound of )ossarian1s name,
and, to e$eryone1s ama0ement, retreated in horrified disorder until he
!umped into 6eneral -reedle, .ho el!o.ed him a.ay .ith annoyan%e and
ordered him right !a%' to order the %haplain to start %oming into the offi%ers1
%lu! e$ery night again"
The %haplain had almost as mu%h trou!le 'eeping tra%' of his status at the
offi%ers1 %lu! as he had remem!ering at .hi%h of the ten mess halls in the
group he .as s%heduled to eat his ne4t meal" He .ould /ust as soon ha$e
remained 'i%'ed out of the offi%ers1 %lu!, had it not !een for the pleasure he
.as no. finding there .ith his ne. %ompanions" #f the %haplain did not go
to the offi%ers1 %lu! at night, there .as no pla%e else he %ould go" He .ould
pass the time at )ossarian1s and -un!ar1s ta!le .ith a shy, reti%ent smile,
seldom spea'ing unless addressed, a glass of thi%' s.eet .ine almost
untasted !efore him as he toyed unfamiliarly .ith the tiny %orn%o! pipe that
he affe%ted self%ons%iously and o%%asionally stuffed .ith to!a%%o and
smo'ed" He en/oyed listening to ,ately, .hose maudlin, !itters.eet
lamentations mirrored mu%h of his o.n romanti% desolation and ne$er failed
to e$o'e in him resurgent tides of longing for his .ife and %hildren" The
%haplain .ould en%ourage ,ately .ith nods of %omprehension or assent,
amused !y his %andor and immaturity" ,ately did not glory too immodestly
that his girl .as a prostitute, and the %haplain1s a.areness stemmed mainly
from Captain 3la%', .ho ne$er slou%hed past their ta!le .ithout a !road
.in' at the %haplain and some tasteless, .ounding gi!e a!out her to
,ately" The %haplain did not appro$e of Captain 3la%' and found it diffi%ult
not to .ish him e$il"
,o one, not e$en ,ately, seemed really to appre%iate that he, Chaplain
*o!ert (li$er Shipman, .as not /ust a %haplain !ut a human !eing, that
he could ha$e a %harming, passionate, pretty .ife .hom he lo$ed almost
insanely and three small !lue9eyed %hildren .ith strange, forgotten fa%es
.ho .ould gro. up someday to regard him as a frea' and .ho might ne$er
forgi$e him for all the so%ial em!arrassment his $o%ation .ould %ause them"
;hy %ouldn1t any!ody understand that he .as not really a frea' !ut a
normal, lonely adult trying to lead a normal, lonely adult life5 #f they pri%'ed
him, didn1t he !leed5 +nd if he .as ti%'led, didn1t he laugh5 #t seemed
ne$er to ha$e o%%urred to them that he, /ust as they, had eyes, hands,
organs, dimensions, senses and affe%tions, that he .as .ounded !y the
same 'ind of .eapons they .ere, .armed and %ooled !y the same !ree0es
and fed !y the same 'ind of food, although, he .as for%ed to %on%ede, in a
different mess hall for ea%h su%%essi$e meal" The only person .ho did
seem to reali0e he had feelings .as Corporal ;hit%om!, .ho had /ust
managed to !ruise them all !y going o$er his head to Colonel Cath%art .ith
his proposal for sending form letters of %ondolen%e home to the families of
men 'illed or .ounded in %om!at"
The %haplain1s .ife .as the one thing in the .orld he could !e %ertain of,
and it .ould ha$e !een suffi%ient, if only he had !een left to li$e his life out
.ith /ust her and the %hildren" The %haplain1s .ife .as a reser$ed,
diminuti$e, agreea!le .oman in her early thirties, $ery dar' and $ery
attra%ti$e, .ith a narro. .aist, %alm intelligent eyes, and small, !right,
pointy teeth in a %hildli'e fa%e that .as $i$a%ious and petiteA he 'ept
forgetting .hat his %hildren loo'ed li'e, and ea%h time he returned to their
snapshots it .as li'e seeing their fa%es for the first time" The %haplain lo$ed
his .ife and %hildren .ith su%h tameless intensity that he often .anted to
sin' to the ground helplessly and .eep li'e a %asta.ay %ripple" He .as
tormented ine4ora!ly !y mor!id fantasies in$ol$ing them, !y dire, hideous
omens of illness and a%%ident" His meditations .ere polluted .ith threats of
dread diseases li'e .ing1s tumor and leu'emiaA he sa. his infant son die
t.o or three times e$ery .ee' !e%ause he had ne$er taught his .ife ho. to
stop arterial !leedingA .at%hed, in tearful, paraly0ed silen%e, his .hole
family ele%tro%uted, one after the other, at a !ase!oard so%'et !e%ause he
had ne$er told her that a human !ody .ould %ondu%t ele%tri%ityA all four
.ent up in flames almost e$ery night .hen the .ater heater e4ploded and
set the t.o9story .ooden house afireA in ghastly, heartless, re$olting detail
he sa. his poor dear .ife1s trim and fragile !ody %rushed to a $is%ous pulp
against the !ri%' .all of a mar'et !uilding !y a half9.ined drun'en
automo!ile dri$er and .at%hed his hysteri%al fi$e9year9old daughter !eing
led a.ay from the grisly s%ene !y a 'indly middle9aged gentleman .ith
sno.9.hite hair .ho raped and murdered her repeatedly as soon as he had
dri$en her off to a deserted sandpit, .hile his t.o younger %hildren star$ed
to death slo.ly in the house after his .ife1s mother, .ho had !een !a!y9
sitting, dropped dead from a heart atta%' .hen ne.s of his .ife1s a%%ident
.as gi$en to her o$er the telephone" The %haplain1s .ife .as a s.eet,
soothing, %onsiderate .oman, and he yearned to tou%h the .arm flesh of
her slender arm again and stro'e her smooth !la%' hair, to hear her
intimate, %omforting $oi%e" She .as a mu%h stronger person than he .as"
He .rote !rief, untrou!led letters to her on%e a .ee', sometimes t.i%e" He
.anted to .rite urgent lo$e letters to her all day long and %ro.d the endless
pages .ith desperate, uninhi!ited %onfessions of his hum!le .orship and
need and 4.ith %areful instru%tions for administering artifi%ial respiration" He
.anted to pour out to her in torrents of self9pity all his un!eara!le loneliness
and despair and .arn her ne$er to lea$e the !ori% a%id or the aspirin in
rea%h of the %hildren or to %ross a street against the traffi% light" He did not
.ish to .orry her" The %haplain1s .ife .as intuiti$e, gentle, %ompassionate
and responsi$e" +lmost ine$ita!ly, his re$eries of reunion .ith her ended in
e4pli%it a%ts of lo$e9ma'ing"
The %haplain felt most de%eitful presiding at funerals, and it .ould not ha$e
astonished him to learn that the apparition in the tree that day .as a
manifestation of the +lmighty1s %ensure for the !lasphemy and pride
inherent in his fun%tion" To simulate gra$ity, feign grief and pretend
supernatural intelligen%e of the hereafter in so fearsome and ar%ane a
%ir%umstan%e as death seemed the most %riminal of offenses" He re%alled
= or .as almost %on$in%ed he re%alled = the s%ene at the %emetery
perfe%tly" He %ould still see Ma/or Ma/or and Ma/or -an!y standing som!er
as !ro'en stone pillars on either side of him, see almost the e4a%t num!er
of enlisted men and almost the e4a%t pla%es in .hi%h they had stood, see
the four unmo$ing men .ith spades, the repulsi$e %offin and the large,
loose, triumphant mound of reddish9!ro.n earth, and the massi$e, still,
depthless, muffling s'y, so .eirdly !lan' and !lue that day it .as almost
poisonous" He .ould remem!er them fore$er, for they .ere all part and
par%el of the most e4traordinary e$ent that had e$er !efallen him, an e$ent
perhaps mar$elous, perhaps pathologi%al = the $ision of the na'ed man in
the tree" Ho. %ould he e4plain it5 #t .as not already seen or ne$er seen,
and %ertainly not almost seenA neither d123 vu, 2amais vu nor pres4ue
vu .as elasti% enough to %o$er it" ;as it a ghost, then5 The dead man1s
soul5 +n angel from hea$en or a minion from hell5 (r .as the .hole
fantasti% episode merely the figment of a diseased imagination, his o.n, of
a deteriorating mind, a rotting !rain5 The possi!ility that there really had
!een a na'ed man in the tree = t.o men, a%tually, sin%e the first had !een
/oined shortly !y a se%ond man %lad in a !ro.n musta%he and sinister dar'
garments from head to toe .ho !ent for.ard ritualisti%ally along the lim! of
the tree to offer the first man something to drin' from a !ro.n go!let =
ne$er %rossed the %haplain1s mind"
The %haplain .as sin%erely a $ery helpful person .ho .as ne$er a!le to
help anyone, not e$en )ossarian .hen he finally de%ided to sei0e the !ull
!y the horns and $isit Ma/or Ma/or se%retly to learn if, as )ossarian had
said, the men in Colonel Cath%art1s group really .ere !eing for%ed to fly
more %om!at missions than anyone else" #t .as a daring, impulsi$e mo$e
on .hi%h the %haplain de%ided after 2uarreling .ith Corporal ;hit%om!
again and .ashing do.n .ith tepid %anteen .ater his /oyless lun%h of Mil'y
;ay and 3a!y *uth" He .ent to Ma/or Ma/or on foot so that Corporal
;hit%om! .ould not see him lea$ing, stealing into the forest noiselessly
until the t.o tents in his %learing .ere left !ehind, then dropping do.n
inside the a!andoned railroad dit%h, .here the footing .as surer" He
hurried along the fossili0ed .ooden ties .ith a%%umulating mutinous anger"
He had !een !ro.!eaten and humiliated su%%essi$ely that morning !y
Colonel Cath%art, Colonel >orn and Corporal ;hit%om!" He /ust hadto
ma'e himself felt in some respe%tB His slight %hest .as soon puffing for
!reath" He mo$ed as s.iftly as he %ould .ithout !rea'ing into a run, fearing
his resolution might dissol$e if he slo.ed" Soon he sa. a uniformed figure
%oming to.ard him !et.een the rusted rails" He %lam!ered immediately up
the side of the dit%h, du%'ed inside a dense %opse of lo. trees for
%on%ealment and sped along in his original dire%tion a narro., o$ergro.n
mossy path he found .inding deep inside the shaded forest" #t .as tougher
going there, !ut he plunged ahead .ith the same re%'less and %onsuming
determination, slipping and stum!ling often and stinging his unprote%ted
hands on the stu!!orn !ran%hes !lo%'ing his .ay until the !ushes and tall
ferns on !oth sides spread open and he lur%hed past an oli$e9dra! military
trailer on %inder !lo%'s %learly $isi!le through the thinning under!rush" He
%ontinued past a tent .ith a luminous pearl9gray %at sunning itself outside
and past another trailer on %inder !lo%'s and then !urst into the %learing of
)ossarian1s s2uadron" + salty de. had formed on his lips" He did not
pause, !ut strode dire%tly a%ross the %learing into the orderly room, .here
he .as .el%omed !y a gaunt, stoop9shouldered staff sergeant .ith
prominent %hee'!ones and long, $ery light !lond hair, .ho informed him
gra%iously that he %ould go right in, sin%e Ma/or Ma/or .as out"
The %haplain than'ed him .ith a %urt nod and pro%eeded alone do.n the
aisle !et.een the des's and type.riters to the %an$as partition in the rear"
He !o!!ed through the triangular opening and found himself inside an
empty offi%e" The flap fell %losed !ehind him" He .as !reathing hard and
s.eating profusely" The offi%e remained empty" He thought he heard furti$e
.hispering" Ten minutes passed" He loo'ed a!out in stern displeasure, his
/a.s %lamped together indomita!ly, and then turned suddenly to .ater as
he remem!ered the staff sergeant1s e4a%t .ords@ he %ould go right in, sin%e
Ma/or Ma/or .as out" ,he enlisted men #ere playing a practical 2okeThe
%haplain shran' !a%' from the .all in terror, !itter tears springing to his
eyes" + pleading .himper es%aped his trem!ling lips" Ma/or Ma/or .as
else.here, and the enlisted men in the other room had made him the !utt of
an inhuman pran'" He %ould almost see them .aiting on the other side of
the %an$as .all, !un%hed up e4pe%tantly li'e a pa%' of greedy, gloating
omni$orous !easts of prey, ready .ith their !ar!ari% mirth and /eers to
poun%e on him !rutally the moment he reappeared" He %ursed himself for
his gulli!ility and .ished in pani% for something li'e a mas' or a pair of dar'
glasses and a false musta%he to disguise him, or for a for%eful, deep $oi%e
li'e Colonel Cath%art1s and !road, mus%ular shoulders and !i%eps to ena!le
him to step outside fearlessly and $an2uish his male$olent perse%utors .ith
an o$er!earing authority and self9%onfiden%e that .ould ma'e them all 2uail
and slin' a.ay %ra$enly in repentan%e" He la%'ed the %ourage to fa%e them"
The only other .ay out .as the .indo." The %oast .as %lear, and the
%haplain /umped out of Ma/or Ma/or1s offi%e through the .indo., darted
s.iftly around the %orner of the tent, and leaped do.n inside the railroad
dit%h to hide"
He s%ooted a.ay .ith his !ody dou!led o$er and his fa%e %ontorted
intentionally into a non%halant, so%ia!le smile in %ase anyone %han%ed to
see him" He a!andoned the dit%h for the forest the moment he sa.
someone %oming to.ard him from the opposite dire%tion and ran through
the %luttered forest fren0iedly li'e someone pursued, his %hee's !urning
.ith disgra%e" He heard loud, .ild peals of derisi$e laughter %rashing all
a!out him and %aught !lurred glimpses of .i%'ed, !eery fa%es smir'ing far
!a%' inside the !ushes and high o$erhead in the foliage of the trees"
Spasms of s%or%hing pains sta!!ed through his lungs and slo.ed him to a
%rippled .al'" He lunged and staggered on.ard until he %ould go no farther
and %ollapsed all at on%e against a gnarled apple tree, !anging his head
hard against the trun' as he toppled for.ard and holding on .ith !oth arms
to 'eep from falling" His !reathing .as a rasping, moaning din in his ears"
Minutes passed li'e hours !efore he finally re%ogni0ed himself as the
sour%e of the tur!ulent roar that .as o$er.helming him" The pains in his
%hest a!ated" Soon he felt strong enough to stand" He %o%'ed his ears
%raftily" The forest .as 2uiet" There .as no demoni% laughter, no one .as
%hasing him" He .as too tired and sad and dirty to feel relie$ed" He
straightened his dishe$eled %lothing .ith fingers that .ere num! and
sha'ing and .al'ed the rest of the .ay to the %learing .ith rigid self9%ontrol"
The %haplain !rooded often a!out the danger of heart atta%'"
Corporal ;hit%om!1s /eep .as still par'ed in the %learing" The %haplain
tiptoed stealthily around the !a%' of Corporal ;hit%om!1s tent rather than
pass the entran%e and ris' !eing seen and insulted !y him" Hea$ing a
grateful sigh, he slipped 2ui%'ly inside his o.n tent and found Corporal
;hit%om! ens%on%ed on his %ot, his 'nees propped up" Corporal
;hit%om!1s mud9%a'ed shoes .ere on the %haplain1s !lan'et, and he .as
eating one of the %haplain1s %andy !ars as he thum!ed .ith sneering
e4pression through one of the %haplain1s 3i!les"
1;here1$e you !een51 he demanded rudely and disinterestedly, .ithout
loo'ing up"
The %haplain %olored and turned a.ay e$asi$ely" 1# .ent for a .al' through
the .oods"1
1+ll right,1 Corporal ;hit%om! snapped" 1-on1t ta'e me into your %onfiden%e"
3ut /ust .ait and see .hat happens to my morale"1 He !it into the %haplain1s
%andy !ar hungrily and %ontinued .ith a full mouth" 1)ou had a $isitor .hile
you .ere gone" Ma/or Ma/or"1
The %haplain spun around .ith surprise and %ried@ 1Ma/or Ma/or5 Ma/or
Ma/or .as here"1
1That1s .ho .e1re tal'ing a!out, isn1t it51
1;here did he go51
1He /umped do.n into that railroad dit%h and too' off li'e a frightened
ra!!it"1 Corporal ;hit%om! sni%'ered" 1;hat a /er'B1
1-id he say .hat he .anted51
1He said he needed your help in a matter of great importan%e"1
The %haplain .as astounded" 1Ma/or Ma/or said that51
1He didn1t say that,1 Corporal ;hit%om! %orre%ted .ith .ithering pre%ision"
1He .rote it do.n in a sealed personal letter he left on your des'"1
The %haplain glan%ed at the !ridge ta!le that ser$ed as his des' and sa.
only the a!omina!le orange9red pear9shaped plum tomato he had o!tained
that same morning from Colonel Cath%art, still lying on its side .here he
had forgotten it li'e an indestru%ti!le and in%amadine sym!ol of his o.n
ineptitude" 1;here is the letter51
1# thre. it a.ay as soon as # tore it open and read it"1 Corporal ;hit%om!
slammed the 3i!le shut and /umped up" 1;hat1s the matter5 ;on1t you ta'e
my .ord for it51 He .al'ed out" He .al'ed right !a%' in and almost %ollided
.ith the %haplain, .ho .as rushing out !ehind him on his .ay !a%' to Ma/or
Ma/or" 1)ou don1t 'no. ho. to delegate responsi!ility,1 Corporal ;hit%om!
informed him sullenly" 1That1s another one of the things that1s .rong .ith
you"1
The %haplain nodded penitently and hurried past, una!le to ma'e himself
ta'e the time to apologi0e" He %ould feel the s'illful hand of fate moti$ating
him imperati$ely" T.i%e that day already, he reali0ed no., Ma/or Ma/or had
%ome ra%ing to.ard him inside the dit%hA and t.i%e that day the %haplain
had stupidly postponed the destined meeting !y !olting into the forest" He
seethed .ith self9re%rimination as he hastened !a%' as rapidly as he %ould
stride along the splintered, irregularly spa%ed railroad ties" 3its of grit and
gra$el inside his shoes and so%'s .ere grinding the tops of his toes ra."
His pale, la!oring fa%e .as s%re.ed up un%ons%iously into a grima%e of
a%ute dis%omfort" The early +ugust afternoon .as gro.ing hotter and more
humid" #t .as almost a mile from his tent to )ossarian1s s2uadron" The
%haplain1s summer9tan shirt .as soa'ing .ith perspiration !y the time he
arri$ed there and rushed !reathlessly !a%' inside the orderly room tent,
.here he .as halted peremptorily !y the same trea%herous, soft9spo'en
staff sergeant .ith round eyeglasses and gaunt %hee's, .ho re2uested him
to remain outside !e%ause Ma/or Ma/or .as inside and told him he .ould
not !e allo.ed inside until Ma/or Ma/or .ent out" The %haplain loo'ed at him
in an un%omprehending da0e" ;hy did the sergeant hate him5 he
.ondered" His lips .ere .hite and trem!ling" He .as a%hing .ith thirst"
;hat .as the matter .ith people5 ;asn1t there tragedy enough5 The
sergeant put his hand out and held the %haplain steady"
1#1m sorry, sir,1 he said regretfully in a lo., %ourteous, melan%holy $oi%e" 13ut
those are Ma/or Ma/or1s orders" He ne$er .ants to see anyone"1
1He .ants to see me,1 the %haplain pleaded" 1He %ame to my tent to see me
.hile # .as here !efore"1
1Ma/or Ma/or did that51 the sergeant as'ed"
1)es, he did" Please go in and as' him"1
1#1m afraid # %an1t go in, sir" He ne$er .ants to see me either" Perhaps if you
left a note"1
1# don1t .ant to lea$e a note" -oesn1t he e$er ma'e an e4%eption51
1(nly in e4treme %ir%umstan%es" The last time he left his tent .as to attend
the funeral of one of the enlisted men" The last time he sa. anyone in his
offi%e .as a time he .as for%ed to" + !om!ardier named )ossarian for%ed
=1
1)ossarian51 The %haplain lit up .ith e4%itement at this ne. %oin%iden%e"
;as this another mira%le in the ma'ing5 13ut that1s e4a%tly .hom # .ant to
spea' to him a!outB -id they tal' a!out the num!er of missions )ossarian
has to fly51
1)es, sir, that1s e4a%tly .hat they did tal' a!out" Captain )ossarian had
flo.n fifty9one missions, and he appealed to Ma/or Ma/or to ground him so
that he .ouldn1t ha$e to fly four more" Colonel Cath%art .anted only fifty9
fi$e missions then"1
1+nd .hat did Ma/or Ma/or say51
1Ma/or Ma/or told him there .as nothing he %ould do"1
The %haplain1s fa%e fell" 1Ma/or Ma/or said that51
1)es, sir" #n fa%t, he ad$ised )ossarian to go see you for help" +re you
%ertain you .ouldn1t li'e to lea$e a note, sir5 # ha$e a pen%il and paper right
here"1
The %haplain shoo' his head, %he.ing his %lotted dry lo.er lip forlornly, and
.al'ed out" #t .as still so early in the day, and so mu%h had already
happened" The air .as %ooler in the forest" His throat .as par%hed and
sore" He .al'ed slo.ly and as'ed himself ruefully .hat ne. misfortune
%ould possi!ly !efall him a moment !efore the mad hermit in the .oods
leaped out at him .ithout .arning from !ehind a mul!erry !ush" The
%haplain s%reamed at the top of his $oi%e"
The tall, %ada$erous stranger fell !a%' in fright at the %haplain1s %ry and
shrie'ed, 1-on1t hurt meB1
1;ho are you51 the %haplain shouted"
1Please don1t hurt meB1 the man shouted !a%'"
1#1m the %haplainB1
1Then .hy do you .ant to hurt me51
1# don1t .ant to hurt youB1 the %haplain insisted .ith a rising hint of
e4asperation, e$en though he .as still rooted to the spot" 1Just tell me .ho
you are and .hat you .ant from me"1
1# /ust .ant to find out if Chief ;hite Halfoat died of pneumonia yet,1 the man
shouted !a%'" 1That1s all # .ant" # li$e here" My name is 7lume" # !elong to
the s2uadron, !ut # li$e here in the .oods" )ou %an as' anyone"1
The %haplain1s %omposure !egan tri%'ling !a%' as he studied the 2ueer,
%ringing figure intently" + pair of %aptain1s !ars ul%erated .ith rust hung on
the man1s ragged shirt %ollar" He had a hairy, tar9!la%' mole on the
underside of one nostril and a hea$y rough musta%he the %olor of poplar
!ar'"
1;hy do you li$e in the .oods if you !elong to the s2uadron51 the %haplain
in2uired %uriously"
1# ha$e to li$e in the .oods,1 the %aptain replied %ra!!ily, as though the
%haplain ought to 'no." He straightened slo.ly, still .at%hing the %haplain
guardedly although he to.ered a!o$e him !y more than a full head"
1-on1t you hear e$ery!ody tal'ing a!out me5 Chief ;hite Halfoat s.ore he
.as going to %ut my throat some night .hen # .as fast asleep, and # don1t
dare lie do.n in the s2uadron .hile he1s still ali$e"1
The %haplain listened to the implausi!le e4planation distrustfully" 13ut that1s
in%redi!le,1 he replied" 1That .ould !e premeditated murder" ;hy didn1t you
report the in%ident to Ma/or Ma/or51
1# did report the in%ident to Ma/or Ma/or,1 said the %aptain sadly, 1and Ma/or
Ma/or said he .ould %ut my throat if # e$er spo'e to him again"1 The man
studied the %haplain fearfully" 1+re you going to %ut my throat, too51
1(h, no, no, no,1 the %haplain assured him" 1(f %ourse not" -o you really li$e
in the forest51
The %aptain nodded, and the %haplain ga0ed at his porous gray pallor of
fatigue and malnutrition .ith a mi4ture of pity and esteem" The man1s !ody
.as a !ony shell inside rumpled %lothing that hung on him li'e a disorderly
%olle%tion of sa%'s" ;isps of dried grass .ere glued all o$er himA he needed
a hair%ut !adly" There .ere great, dar' %ir%les under his eyes" The %haplain
.as mo$ed almost to tears !y the harassed, !edraggled pi%ture the %aptain
presented, and he filled .ith deferen%e and %ompassion at the thought of
the many se$ere rigors the poor man had to endure daily" #n a $oi%e hushed
.ith humility, he said,
1;ho does your laundry51
The %aptain pursed his lips in a !usinessli'e manner" 1# ha$e it done !y a
.asher.oman in one of the farmhouses do.n the road" # 'eep my things in
my trailer and snea' inside on%e or t.i%e a day for a %lean hand'er%hief or
a %hange of under.ear"1
1;hat .ill you do .hen .inter %omes51
1(h, # e4pe%t to !e !a%' in the s2uadron !y then,1 the %aptain ans.ered .ith
a 'ind of martyred %onfiden%e" 1Chief ;hite Halfoat 'ept promising
e$eryone that he .as going to die of pneumonia, and # guess #1ll ha$e to !e
patient until the .eather turns a little %older and damper"1 He s%rutini0ed the
%haplain perple4edly" 1-on1t you 'no. all this5 -on1t you hear all the fello.s
tal'ing a!out me51
1# don1t thin' #1$e e$er heard anyone mention you"1
1;ell, # %ertainly %an1t understand that"1 The %aptain .as pi2ued, !ut
managed to %arry on .ith a pretense of optimism" 1;ell, here it is almost
Septem!er already, so # guess it .on1t !e too long no." The ne4t time any
of the !oys as' a!out me, .hy, /ust tell them #1ll !e !a%' grinding out those
old pu!li%ity releases again as soon as Chief ;hite Halfoat dies of
pneumonia" ;ill you tell them that5 Say #1ll !e !a%' in the s2uadron as soon
as .inter %omes and Chief Halfoat dies of pneumonia" ('ay51
The %haplain memori0ed the propheti% .ords solemnly, entran%ed further
!y their esoteri% import" 1-o you li$e on !erries, her!s and roots51 he as'ed"
1,o, of %ourse not,1 the %aptain replied .ith surprise" 1# snea' into the mess
hall through the !a%' and eat in the 'it%hen" Milo gi$es me sand.i%hes and
mil'"1
1;hat do you do .hen it rains51
The %aptain ans.ered fran'ly" 1# get .et"1
1;here do you sleep51
S.iftly the %aptain du%'ed do.n into a %rou%h and !egan !a%'ing a.ay"
1)ou too51 he %ried franti%ally"
1(h, no,1 %ried the %haplain" 1# s.ear to you"1
1)ou do .ant to %ut my throatB1 the %aptain insisted"
1# gi$e my .ord,1 the %haplain pleaded, !ut it .as too late, for the homely
hirsute spe%ter had already $anished, dissol$ing so e4pertly inside the
!looming, dappled, fragmented malformations of lea$es, light and shado.s
that the %haplain .as already dou!ting that he had e$en !een there" So
many monstrous e$ents .ere o%%urring that he .as no longer positi$e
.hi%h e$ents #ere monstrous and .hi%h #ere really ta'ing pla%e" He
.anted to find out a!out the madman in the .oods as 2ui%'ly as possi!le,
to %he%' if there e$er really had !een a Captain 7lume, !ut his first %hore,
he re%alled .ith relu%tan%e, .as to appease Corporal ;hit%om! for
negle%ting to delegate enough responsi!ility to him" He plodded along the
0ig0agging path through the forest listlessly, %logged .ith thirst and feeling
almost too e4hausted to go on" He .as remorseful .hen he thought of
Corporal ;hit%om!" He prayed that Corporal ;hit%om! .ould !e gone
.hen he rea%hed the %learing so that he %ould undress .ithout
em!arrassment, .ash his arms and %hest and shoulders thoroughly, drin'
.ater, lie do.n refreshed and perhaps e$en sleep for a fe. minutesA !ut he
.as in for still another disappointment and still another sho%', for Corporal
;hit%om! .as Sergeant ;hit%om! !y the time he arri$ed and .as sitting
.ith his shirt off in the %haplain1s %hair se.ing his ne. sergeant1s stripes on
his slee$e .ith the %haplain1s needle and thread" Corporal ;hit%om! had
!een promoted !y Colonel Cath%art, .ho .anted to see the %haplain at
on%e a!out the letters"
1(h, no,1 groaned the %haplain, sin'ing do.n dum!founded on his %ot" His
.arm %anteen .as empty, and he .as too distraught to remem!er the lister
!ag hanging outside in the shade !et.een the t.o tents" 1# %an1t !elie$e it" #
/ust %an1t !elie$e that anyone .ould seriously !elie$e that #1$e !een forging
;ashington #r$ing1s name"1
1,ot those letters,1 Corporal ;hit%om! %orre%ted, plainly en/oying the
%haplain1s %hagrin" 1He .ants to see you a!out the letters home to the
families of %asualties"1
1Those letters51 as'ed the %haplain .ith surprise"
1That1s right,1 Corporal ;hit%om! gloated" 1He1s really going to %he. you out
for refusing to let me send them" )ou should ha$e seen him go for the idea
on%e # reminded him the letters %ould %arry his signature" That1s .hy he
promoted me" He1s a!solutely sure they1ll get him into ,he Saturday
$vening .ost"1
The %haplain1s !efuddlement in%reased" 13ut ho. did he 'no. .e .ere
e$en %onsidering the idea51
1# .ent to his offi%e and told him"1
1)ou did .hat51 the %haplain demanded shrilly, and %harged to his feet in an
unfamiliar rage" 1-o you mean to say that you a%tually .ent o$er my head to
the %olonel .ithout as'ing my permission51
Corporal ;hit%om! grinned !ra0enly .ith s%ornful satisfa%tion" 1That1s right,
Chaplain,1 he ans.ered" 1+nd you !etter not try to do anything a!out it if you
'no. .hat1s good for you"1 He laughed 2uietly in mali%ious defian%e"
1Colonel Cath%art isn1t going to li'e it if he finds out you1re getting e$en .ith
me for !ringing him my idea" )ou 'no. something, Chaplain51 Corporal
;hit%om! %ontinued, !iting the %haplain1s !la%' thread apart
%ontemptuously .ith a loud snap and !uttoning on his shirt" 1That dum!
!astard really thin's it1s one of the greatest ideas he1s e$er heard"1
1#t might e$en get me into ,he Saturday $vening .ost,1 Colonel Cath%art
!oasted in his offi%e .ith a smile, s.aggering !a%' and forth %on$i$ially as
he reproa%hed the %haplain" 1+nd you didn1t ha$e !rains enough to
appre%iate it" )ou1$e got a good man in Corporal ;hit%om!, Chaplain" #
hope you ha$e !rains enough to appre%iate that"1
1Sergeant ;hit%om!,1 the %haplain %orre%ted, !efore he %ould %ontrol
himself"
Colonel Cath%art (ared" 1# said Sergeant ;hit%om!,1 he replied" 1# .ish
you1d try listening on%e in a .hile instead of al.ays finding fault" )ou don1t
.ant to !e a %aptain all your life, do you51
1Sir51
1;ell, # %ertainly don1t see ho. you1re e$er going to amount to anything else
if you 'eep on this .ay" Corporal ;hit%om! feels that you fello.s ha$en1t
had a fresh idea in nineteen hundred and forty9four years, and #1m in%lined
to agree .ith him" + !right !oy, that Corporal ;hit%om!" ;ell, it1s all going
to %hange"1 Colonel Cath%art sat do.n at his des' .ith a determined air and
%leared a large neat spa%e in his !lotter" ;hen he had finished, he tapped
his finger inside it" 1Starting tomorro.,1 he said, 1# .ant you and Corporal
;hit%om! to .rite a letter of %ondolen%e for me to the ne4t of 'in of e$ery
man in the group .ho1s 'illed, .ounded or ta'en prisoner" # .ant those
letters to !e sin%ere letters" # .ant them filled up .ith lots of personal details
so there1ll !e no dou!t # mean e$ery .ord you say" #s that %lear51
The %haplain stepped for.ard impulsi$ely to remonstrate" 13ut, sir, that1s
impossi!leB1 he !lurted out" 1;e don1t e$en 'no. all the men that .ell"1
1;hat differen%e does that ma'e51 Colonel Cath%art demanded, and then
smiled ami%a!ly" 1Corporal ;hit%om! !rought me this !asi% form letter that
ta'es %are of /ust a!out e$ery situation" &isten@ G-ear Mrs", Mr", Miss, or Mr"
and Mrs"@ ;ords %annot e4press the deep personal grief # e4perien%ed
.hen your hus!and, son, father or !rother .as 'illed, .ounded or reported
missing in a%tion"G +nd so on" # thin' that opening senten%e sums up my
sentiments e4a%tly" &isten, may!e you1d !etter let Corporal ;hit%om! ta'e
%harge of the .hole thing if you don1t feel up to it"1 Colonel Cath%art
.hipped out his %igarette holder and fle4ed it !et.een !oth hands li'e an
ony4 and i$ory riding %rop" 1That1s one of the things that1s .rong .ith you,
Chaplain" Corporal ;hit%om! tells me you don1t 'no. ho. to delegate
responsi!ility" He says you1$e got no initiati$e either" )ou1re not going to
disagree .ith me, are you51
1,o, sir"1 The %haplain shoo' his head, feeling despi%a!ly remiss !e%ause
he did not 'no. ho. to delegate responsi!ility and had no initiati$e, and
!e%ause he really had !een tempted to disagree .ith the %olonel" His mind
.as a sham!les" They .ere shooting s'eet outside, and e$ery time a gun
.as fired his senses .ere /arred" He %ould not ad/ust to the sound of the
shots" He .as surrounded !y !ushels of plum tomatoes and .as almost
%on$in%ed that he had stood in Colonel Cath%art1s offi%e on some similar
o%%asion deep in the past and had !een surrounded !y those same !ushels
of those same plum tomatoes" D123 vu again" The setting seemed so
familiarA yet it also seemed so distant" His %lothes felt grimy and old, and he
.as deathly afraid he smelled"
1)ou ta'e things too seriously, Chaplain,1 Colonel Cath%art told him !luntly
.ith an air of adult o!/e%ti$ity" 1That1s another one of the things that1s .rong
.ith you" That long fa%e of yours gets e$ery!ody depressed" &et me see
you laugh on%e in a .hile" Come on, Chaplain" )ou gi$e me a !elly laugh
no. and #1ll gi$e you a .hole !ushel of plum tomatoes"1 He .aited a se%ond
or t.o, .at%hing, and then %hortled $i%toriously" 1)ou see, Chaplain, #1m
right" )ou %an1t gi$e me a !elly laugh, %an you51
1,o, sir,1 admitted the %haplain mee'ly, s.allo.ing slo.ly .ith a $isi!le
effort" 1,ot right no." #1m $ery thirsty"1
1Then get yourself a drin'" Colonel >orn 'eeps some !our!on in his des'"
)ou ought to try dropping around the offi%ers1 %lu! .ith us some e$ening
/ust to ha$e yourself a little fun" Try getting lit on%e in a .hile" # hope you
don1t feel you1re !etter than the rest of us /ust !e%ause you1re a professional
man"1
1(h, no, sir,1 the %haplain assured him .ith em!arrassment" 1+s a matter of
fa%t, # ha$e !een going to the offi%ers1 %lu! the past fe. e$enings"1
1)ou1re only a %aptain, you 'no.,1 Colonel Cath%art %ontinued, paying no
attention to the %haplain1s remar'" 1)ou may !e a professional man, !ut
you1re still only a %aptain"1
1)es, sir" # 'no."1
1That1s fine, then" #t1s /ust as .ell you didn1t laugh !efore" # .ouldn1t ha$e
gi$en you the plum tomatoes any.ay" Corporal ;hit%om! tells me you too'
a plum tomato .hen you .ere in here this morning"1
1This morning5 3ut, sirB )ou ga$e it to me"1
Colonel Cath%art %o%'ed his head .ith suspi%ion" 1# didn1t say # didn1t gi$e it
to you, did #5 # merely said you too' it" # don1t see .hy you1$e got su%h a
guilty %ons%ien%e if you really didn1t steal it" -id # gi$e it to you51
1)es, sir" # s.ear you did"1
1Then #1ll /ust ha$e to ta'e your .ord for it" +lthough # %an1t imagine .hy #1d
.ant to gi$e you a plum tomato"1 Colonel Cath%art transferred a round glass
paper.eight %ompetently from the right edge of his des' to the left edge
and pi%'ed up a sharpened pen%il" 1('ay" Chaplain, #1$e got a lot of
important .or' to do no. if you1re through" )ou let me 'no. .hen Corporal
;hit%om! has sent out a!out a do0en of those letters and .e1ll get in tou%h
.ith the editors of ,he Saturday $vening .ost"1 + sudden inspiration made
his fa%e !righten" 1SayB # thin' #1ll $olunteer the group for +$ignon again"
That should speed things upB1
17or +$ignon51 The %haplain1s heart missed a !eat, and all his flesh !egan
to pri%'le and %reep"
1That1s right,1 the %olonel e4plained e4u!erantly" 1The sooner .e get some
%asualties, the sooner .e %an ma'e some progress on this" #1d li'e to get in
the Christmas issue if .e %an" # imagine the %ir%ulation is higher then"1
+nd to the %haplain1s horror, the %olonel lifted the phone to $olunteer the
group for +$ignon and tried to 'i%' him out of the offi%ers1 %lu! again that
$ery same night a moment !efore )ossarian rose up drun'enly, 'no%'ing
o$er his %hair, to start an a$enging pun%h that made ,ately %all out his
name and made Colonel Cath%art !lan%h and retreat prudently sma%' into
6eneral -reedle, .ho sho$ed him off his !ruised foot disgustedly and order
him for.ard to 'i%' the %haplain right !a%' into the offi%ers1 %lu!" #t .as all
$ery upsetting to Colonel Cath%art, first the dreaded name 5ossarian tolling
out again %learly li'e a .arning of doom and then 6eneral -reedle1s !ruised
foot, and that .as another fault Colonel Cath%art found in the %haplain, the
fa%t that it .as impossi!le to predi%t ho. 6eneral -reedle .ould rea%t ea%h
time he sa. him" Colonel Cath%art .ould ne$er forget the first e$ening
6eneral -reedle too' noti%e of the %haplain in the offi%ers1 %lu!, lifting his
ruddy, s.eltering, into4i%ated fa%e to stare ponderously through the yello.
pall of %igarette smo'e at the %haplain lur'ing near the .all !y himself"
1;ell, #1ll !e damned,1 6eneral -reedle had e4%laimed hoarsely, his shaggy
gray mena%ing eye!ro.s !eetling in re%ognition" 1#s that a %haplain # see
o$er there5 That1s really a fine thing .hen a man of 6od !egins hanging
around a pla%e li'e this .ith a !un%h of dirty drun's and gam!lers"1
Colonel Cath%art %ompressed his lips primly and started to rise" 1# %ouldn1t
agree .ith you more, sir,1 he assented !ris'ly in a tone of ostentatious
disappro$al" 1# /ust don1t 'no. .hat1s happening to the %lergy these days"1
1They1re getting !etter, that1s .hat1s happening to them,1 6eneral -reedle
gro.led emphati%ally"
Colonel Cath%art gulped a.'.ardly and made a nim!le re%o$ery" 1)es, sir"
They are getting !etter" That1s e4a%tly .hat # had in mind, sir"1
1This is /ust the pla%e for a %haplain to !e, mingling .ith the men .hile
they1re out drin'ing and gam!ling so he %an get to understand them and
.in their %onfiden%e" Ho. the hell else is he e$er going to get them to
!elie$e in 6od51
1That1s e4a%tly .hat # had in mind, sir, .hen # ordered him to %ome here,1
Colonel Cath%art said %arefully, and thre. his arm familiarly around the
%haplain1s shoulders as he .al'ed him off into a %orner to order him in a
%old undertone to start reporting for duty at the offi%ers1 %lu! e$ery e$ening
to mingle .ith the men .hile they .ere drin'ing and gam!ling so that he
%ould get to understand them and .in their %onfiden%e"
The %haplain agreed and did report for duty to the offi%ers1 %lu! e$ery night
to mingle .ith men .ho .anted to a$oid him, until the e$ening the $i%ious
fist fight !ro'e out at the ping9pong ta!le and Chief ;hite Halfoat .hirled
.ithout pro$o%ation and pun%hed Colonel Moodus s2uarely in the nose,
'no%'ing Colonel Moodus do.n on the seat of his pants and ma'ing
6eneral -reedle roar .ith lusty, une4pe%ted laughter until he spied the
%haplain standing %lose !y ga.'ing at him grotes2uely in tortured .onder"
6eneral -reedle fro0e at the sight of him" He glo.ered at the %haplain .ith
s.ollen fury for a moment, his good humor gone, and turned !a%' to.ard
the !ar disgruntedly, rolling from side to side li'e a sailor on his short !andy
legs" Colonel Cath%art %antered fearfully along !ehind, glan%ing an4iously
a!out in $ain for some sign of help from Colonel >orn"
1That1s a fine thing,1 6eneral -reedle gro.led at the !ar, gripping his empty
shot glass in his !urly hand" 1That1s really a fine thing, .hen a man of 6od
!egins hanging around a pla%e li'e this .ith a !un%h of dirty drun's and
gam!lers"1
Colonel Cath%art sighed .ith relief" 1)es, sir,1 he e4%laimed proudly" 1#t
%ertainly is a fine thing"1
1Then .hy the hell don1t you do something a!out it51
1Sir51 Colonel Cath%art in2uired, !lin'ing"
1-o you thin' it does you %redit to ha$e your %haplain hanging around here
e$ery night5 He1s in here e$ery goddam time # %ome"1
1)ou1re right, sir, a!solutely right,1 Colonel Cath%art responded" 1#t does me
no %redit at all" +nd # am going to do something a!out it, this $ery minute"1
1+ren1t you the one .ho ordered him to %ome here51
1,o, sir, that .as Colonel >orn" # intend to punish him se$erely, too"1
1#f he .asn1t a %haplain,1 6eneral -reedle muttered, 1#1d ha$e him ta'en
outside and shot"1
1He1s not a %haplain, sir"1 Colonel Cath%art ad$ised helpfully"
1#sn1t he5 Then .hy the hell does he .ear that %ross on his %ollar if he1s not
a %haplain51
1He doesn1t .ear a %ross on his %ollar, sir" He .ears a sil$er leaf" He1s a
lieutenant %olonel"1
1)ou1$e got a %haplain .ho1s a lieutenant %olonel51 in2uired 6eneral
-reedle .ith ama0ement"
1(h, no, sir" My %haplain is only a %aptain"1
1Then .hy the hell does he .ear a sil$er leaf on his %ollar if he1s only a
%aptain51
1He doesn1t .ear a sil$er leaf on his %ollar, sir" He .ears a %ross"1
16o a.ay from me no., you son of a !it%h,1 said 6eneral -reedle" 1(r #1ll
ha$e you ta'en outside and shotB1
1)es, sir"1
Colonel Cath%art .ent a.ay from 6eneral -reedle .ith a gulp and 'i%'ed
the %haplain out of the offi%ers1 %lu!, and it .as e4a%tly the .ay it almost
.as t.o months later after the %haplain had tried to persuade Colonel
Cath%art to res%ind his order in%reasing the num!er of missions to si4ty and
had failed a!ysmally in that endea$or too, and the %haplain .as ready no.
to %apitulate to despair entirely !ut .as restrained !y the memory of his
.ife, .hom he lo$ed and missed so patheti%ally .ith su%h sensual and
e4alted ardor, and !y the lifelong trust he had pla%ed in the .isdom and
/usti%e of an immortal, omnipotent, omnis%ient, humane, uni$ersal,
anthropomorphi%, nglish9spea'ing, +nglo9Sa4on, pro9+meri%an 6od,
.hi%h had !egun to .a$er" So many things .ere testing his faith" There
.as the 3i!le, of %ourse, !ut the 3i!le .as a !oo', and so .ere 6leak
House, ,reasure :sland, $than 7rome and ,he Last of the Mohicans. -id it
then seem pro!a!le, as he had on%e o$erheard -un!ar as', that the
ans.ers to the riddles of %reation .ould !e supplied !y people too ignorant
to understand the me%hani%s of rainfall5 Had +lmighty 6od, in all His
infinite .isdom, really !een afraid that men si4 thousand years ago .ould
su%%eed in !uilding a to.er to hea$en5 ;here the de$il .as hea$en5 ;as
it up5 -o.n5 There .as no up or do.n in a finite !ut e4panding uni$erse in
.hi%h e$en the $ast, !urning, da00ling, ma/esti% sun .as in a state of
progressi$e de%ay that .ould e$entually destroy the earth too" There .ere
no mira%lesA prayers .ent unans.ered, and misfortune tramped .ith e2ual
!rutality on the $irtuous and the %orruptA and the %haplain, .ho had
%ons%ien%e and %hara%ter, .ould ha$e yielded to reason and relin2uished
his !elief in the 6od of his fathers = .ould truly ha$e resigned !oth his
%alling and his %ommission and ta'en his %han%es as a pri$ate in the
infantry or field artillery, or e$en, perhaps, as a %orporal in the paratroopers
= had it not !een for su%h su%%essi$e mysti% phenomena as the na'ed
man in the tree at that poor sergeant1s funeral .ee's !efore and the %rypti%,
haunting, en%ouraging promise of the prophet 7lume in the forest only that
afternoon@ ',ell them :'ll be back #hen #inter comes.'
3arfy
#n a .ay it .as all )ossarian1s fault, for if he had not mo$ed the !om! line
during the 3ig Siege of 3ologna, Ma/or 9 de Co$erley might still !e around
to sa$e him, and if he had not sto%'ed the enlisted men1s apartment .ith
girls .ho had no other pla%e to li$e, ,ately might ne$er ha$e fallen in lo$e
.ith his .hore as she sat na'ed from the .aist do.n in the room full of
grumpy !la%'/a%' players .ho ignored her" ,ately stared at her %o$ertly
from his o$er9stuffed yello. arm%hair, mar$eling at the !ored, phlegmati%
strength .ith .hi%h she a%%epted the mass re/e%tion" She ya.ned, and he
.as deeply mo$ed" He had ne$er .itnessed su%h heroi% poise !efore"
The girl had %lim!ed fi$e steep flights of stairs to sell herself to the group of
satiated enlisted men, .ho had girls li$ing there all around themA none
.anted her at any pri%e, not e$en after she had stripped .ithout real
enthusiasm to tempt them .ith a tall !ody that .as firm and full and truly
$oluptuous" She seemed more fatigued than disappointed" ,o. she sat
resting in $a%uous indolen%e, .at%hing the %ard game .ith dull %uriosity as
she gathered her re%al%itrant energies for the tedious %hore of donning the
rest of her %lothing and going !a%' to .or'" #n a little .hile she stirred" +
little .hile later she rose .ith an un%ons%ious sigh and stepped lethargi%ally
into her tight %otton panties and dar' s'irt, then !u%'led on her shoes and
left" ,ately slipped out !ehind herA and .hen )ossarian and +arfy entered
the offi%ers1 apartment almost t.o hours later, there she .as again,
stepping into her panties and s'irt, and it .as almost li'e the %haplain1s
re%urring sensation of ha$ing !een through a situation !efore, e4%ept for
,ately, .ho .as moping in%onsola!ly .ith his hands in his po%'ets"
1She .ants to go no.,1 he said in a faint, strange $oi%e" 1She doesn1t .ant to
stay"1
1;hy don1t you /ust pay her some money to let you spend the rest of the day
.ith her51 )ossarian ad$ised"
1She ga$e me my money !a%',1 ,ately admitted" 1She1s tired of me no. and
.ants to go loo'ing for someone else"1
The girl paused .hen her shoes .ere on to glan%e in surly in$itation at
)ossarian and +arfy" Her !reasts .ere pointy and large in the thin .hite
slee$eless s.eater she .ore that s2uee0ed ea%h %ontour and flo.ed
out.ard smoothly .ith the tops of her enti%ing hips" )ossarian returned her
ga0e and .as strongly attra%ted" He shoo' his head"
16ood riddan%e to !ad ru!!ish,1 .as +arfy1s unpertur!ed response"
1-on1t say that a!out herB1 ,ately protested .ith passion that .as !oth a
plea and a re!u'e" 1# .ant her to stay .ith me"1
1;hat1s so spe%ial a!out her51 +arfy sneered .ith mo%' surprise" 1She1s only
a .hore"1
1+nd don1t %all her a .horeB1
The girl shrugged impassi$ely after a fe. more se%onds and am!led to.ard
the door" ,ately !ounded for.ard .ret%hedly to hold it open" He .andered
!a%' in a heart!ro'en da0e, his sensiti$e fa%e elo2uent .ith grief"
1-on1t .orry a!out it,1 )ossarian %ounseled him as 'indly as he %ould" 1)ou1ll
pro!a!ly !e a!le to find her again" ;e 'no. .here all the .hores hang out"1
1Please don1t %all her that,1 ,ately !egged, loo'ing as though he might %ry"
1#1m sorry,1 murmured )ossarian"
+arfy thundered /o$ially, 1There are hundreds of .hores /ust as good
%ra.ling all o$er the streets" That one .asn1t e$en pretty"1 He %hu%'led
mellifluously .ith resonant disdain and authority" 1;hy, you rushed for.ard
to open that door as though you .ere in lo$e .ith her"1
1# thin' # am in lo$e .ith her,1 ,ately %onfessed in a shamed, far9off $oi%e"
+arfy .rin'led his %hu!!y round rosy forehead in %omi% dis!elief" 1Ho, ho,
ho, hoB1 he laughed, patting the e4pansi$e forest9green sides of his offi%er1s
tuni% prosperously" 1That1s ri%h" )ou in lo$e .ith her" That1s really ri%h"1
+arfy had a date that same afternoon .ith a *ed Cross girl from Smith
.hose father o.ned an important mil'9of9magnesia plant" 1,o., that's the
'ind of girl you ought to !e asso%iating .ith, and not .ith %ommon sluts li'e
that one" ;hy, she didn1t e$en loo' %lean"1
1# don1t %areB1 ,ately shouted desperately" 1+nd # .ish you1d shut up, # don1t
e$en .ant to tal' a!out it .ith you"1
1+arfy, shut up,1 said )ossarian"
1Ho, ho, ho, hoB1 +arfy %ontinued" 1# /ust %an1t imagine .hat your father and
mother .ould say if they 'ne. you .ere running around .ith filthy trollops
li'e that one" )our father is a $ery distinguished man, you 'no."1
1#1m not going to tell him,1 ,ately de%lared .ith determination" 1#1m not going
to say a .ord a!out her to him or Mother until after .e1re married"1
1Married51 +arfy1s indulgent merriment s.elled tremendously" 1Ho, ho, ho,
ho, hoB ,o. you1re really tal'ing stupid" ;hy, you1re not e$en old enough to
'no. .hat true lo$e is"1
+arfy .as an authority on the su!/e%t of true lo$e !e%ause he had already
fallen truly in lo$e .ith ,ately1s father and .ith the prospe%t of .or'ing for
him after the .ar in some e4e%uti$e %apa%ity as a re.ard for !efriending
,ately" +arfy .as a lead na$igator .ho had ne$er !een a!le to find himself
sin%e lea$ing %ollege" He .as a genial, magnanimous lead na$igator .ho
%ould al.ays forgi$e the other man in the s2uadron for denoun%ing him
furiously ea%h time he got lost on a %om!at mission and led them o$er
%on%entrations of antiair%raft fire" He got lost on the streets of *ome that
same afternoon and ne$er did find the eligi!le *ed Cross girl from Smith
.ith the important mil'9of9magnesia plant" He got lost on the mission to
7errara the day >raft .as shot do.n and 'illed, and he got lost again on the
.ee'ly mil' run to Parma and tried to lead the planes out to sea o$er the
%ity of &eghorn after )ossarian had dropped his !om!s on the undefended
inland target and settled !a%' against his thi%' .all of armor plate .ith his
eyes %losed and a fragrant %igarette in his fingertips" Suddenly there .as
fla', and all at on%e M%;att .as shrie'ing o$er the inter%om, 17la'B 7la'B
;here the hell are .e5 ;hat the hell1s going on51
)ossarian flipped his eyes open in alarm and sa. the totally une4pe%ted
!ulging !la%' puffs of fla' %rashing do.n in to.ard them from high up and
+arfy1s %ompla%ent melon9round tiny9eyed fa%e ga0ing out at the
approa%hing %annon !ursts .ith affa!le !emusement" )ossarian .as
fla!!ergasted" His leg .ent a!ruptly to sleep" M%;att had started to %lim!
and .as yelping o$er the inter%om for instru%tions" )ossarian sprang
for.ard to see .here they .ere and remained in the same pla%e" He .as
una!le to mo$e" Then he reali0ed he .as sopping .et" He loo'ed do.n at
his %rot%h .ith a sin'ing, si%' sensation" + .ild %rimson !lot .as %ra.ling
up.ard rapidly along his shirt front li'e an enormous sea monster rising to
de$our him" He .as hitB Separate tri%'les of !lood spilled to a puddle on the
floor through one saturated trouser leg li'e %ountless unstoppa!le s.arms
of .riggling red .orms" His heart stopped" + se%ond solid /olt stru%' the
plane" )ossarian shuddered .ith re$ulsion at the 2ueer sight of his .ound
and s%reamed at +arfy for help"
1# lost my !allsB +arfy, # lost my !allsB1 +arfy didn1t hear, and )ossarian !ent
for.ard and tugged at his arm" 1+arfy, help me,1 he pleaded, almost
.eeping, 1#1m hitB #1m hitB1
+arfy turned slo.ly .ith a !land, 2ui00i%al grin" 1;hat51
1#1m hit, +arfyB Help meB1
+arfy grinned again and shrugged amia!ly" 1# %an1t hear you,1 he said"
1Can1t you see me51 )ossarian %ried in%redulously, and he pointed to the
deepening pool of !lood he felt splashing do.n all around him and
spreading out underneath" 1#1m .oundedB Help me, for 6od1s sa'eB +arfy,
help meB1
1# still %an1t hear you,1 +arfy %omplained tolerantly, %upping his podgy hand
!ehind the !lan%hed %orolla of his ear" 1;hat did you say51
)ossarian ans.ered in a %ollapsing $oi%e, .eary suddenly of shouting so
mu%h, of the .hole frustrating, e4asperating, ridi%ulous situation" He .as
dying, and no one too' noti%e" 1,e$er mind"1
1;hat51 +arfy shouted"
1# said # lost my !allsB Can1t you hear me5 #1m .ounded in the groinB1
1# still %an1t hear you,1 +a4fy %hided"
1# said never mindB1 )ossarian s%reamed .ith a trapped feeling of terror and
!egan to shi$er, feeling $ery %old suddenly and $ery .ea'"
+arfy shoo' his head regretfully again and lo.ered his o!s%ene, la%tes%ent
ear almost dire%tly into )ossarian1s fa%e" 1)ou1ll /ust ha$e to spea' up, my
friend" )ou1ll /ust ha$e to spea' up"1
1&ea$e me alone, you !astardB )ou dum!, insensiti$e !astard, lea$e me
aloneB1 )ossarian so!!ed" He .anted to pummel +arfy, !ut la%'ed the
strength to lift his arms" He de%ided to sleep instead and 'eeled o$er
side.ays into a dead faint"
He .as .ounded in the thigh, and .hen he re%o$ered %ons%iousness he
found M%;att on !oth 'nees ta'ing %are of him" He .as relie$ed, e$en
though he still sa. +arfy1s !loated %heru!1s fa%e hanging do.n o$er
M%;att1s shoulder .ith pla%id interest" )ossarian smiled fee!ly at M%;att,
feeling ill, and as'ed, 1;ho1s minding the store51 M%;att ga$e no sign that
he heard" ;ith gro.ing horror, )ossarian gathered in !reath and repeated
the .ords as loudly as he %ould"
M%;att loo'ed up" 1Christ, #1m glad you1re still ali$eB1 he e4%laimed, hea$ing
an enormous sigh" The good9humored, friendly %rin'les a!out his eyes
.ere .hite .ith tension and oily .ith grime as he 'ept unrolling an
intermina!le !andage around the !ul'y %otton %ompress )ossarian felt
strapped !urdensomely to the inside of one thigh" 1,ately1s at the %ontrols"
The poor 'id almost started !a.ling .hen he heard you .ere hit" He still
thin's you1re dead" They 'no%'ed open an artery for you, !ut # thin' #1$e got
it stopped" # ga$e you some morphine"1
16i$e me some more"1
1#t might !e too soon" #1ll gi$e you some more .hen it starts to hurt"1
1#t hurts no."1
1(h, .ell, .hat the hell,1 said M%;att and in/e%ted another syrette of
morphine into )ossarian1s arm"
1;hen you tell ,ately #1m all right?1 said )ossarian to M%;att, and lost
%ons%iousness again as e$erything .ent fu00y !ehind a film of stra.!erry9
strained gelatin and a great !aritone !u00 s.allo.ed him in sound" He
%ame to in the am!ulan%e and smiled en%ouragement at -o% -anee'a1s
.ee$il9li'e, glum and o$ershado.ed %ountenan%e for the di00y se%ond or
t.o he had !efore e$erything .ent rose9petal pin' again and then turned
really !la%' and unfathoma!ly still"
)ossarian .o'e up in the hospital and .ent to sleep" ;hen he .o'e up in
the hospital again, the smell of ether .as gone and -un!ar .as lying in
pa/amas in the !ed a%ross the aisle maintaining that he .as not -un!ar
!ut a fortiori" )ossarian thought he .as %ra%'ed" He %urled his lip
s'epti%ally at -un!ar1s !it of ne.s and slept on it fitfully for a day or t.o,
then .o'e up .hile the nurses .ere else.here and eased himself out of
!ed to see for himself" The floor s.ayed li'e the floating raft at the !ea%h
and the stit%hes on the inside of his thigh !it into his flesh li'e fine sets of
fish teeth as he limped a%ross the aisle to peruse the name on the
temperature %ard on the foot of -un!ar1s !ed, !ut sure enough, -un!ar .as
right@ he .as not -un!ar any more !ut Se%ond &ieutenant +nthony 7"
7ortiori"
1;hat the hell1s going on51
+" 7ortiori got out of !ed and motioned to )ossarian to follo." 6rasping for
support at anything he %ould rea%h, )ossarian limped along after him into
the %orridor and do.n the ad/a%ent .ard to a !ed %ontaining a harried
young man .ith pimples and a re%eding %hin" The harried young man rose
on one el!o. .ith ala%rity as they approa%hed" +" 7ortiori /er'ed his thum!
o$er his shoulder and said, 1S%re."1 The harried young man /umped out of
!ed and ran a.ay" +" 7ortiori %lim!ed into the !ed and !e%ame -un!ar
again"
1That .as +" 7ortiori,1 -un!ar e4plained" 1They didn1t ha$e an empty !ed in
your .ard, so # pulled my ran' and %hased him !a%' here into mine" #t1s a
pretty satisfying e4perien%e pulling ran'" )ou ought to try it sometime" )ou
ought to try it right no., in fa%t, !e%ause you loo' li'e you1re going to fall
do.n"1
)ossarian felt li'e he .as going to fall do.n" He turned to the lantern /a.ed,
leather9fa%ed middle9aged man lying in the !ed ne4t to -un!ar1s, /er'ed his
thum! o$er his shoulder and said 1S%re."1 The middle9aged man stiffened
fier%ely and glared"
1He1s a ma/or,1 -un!ar e4plained" 1;hy don1t you aim a little lo.er and try
!e%oming ;arrant (ffi%er Homer &umley for a .hile5 Then you %an ha$e a
father in the state legislature and a sister .ho1s engaged to a %hampion
s'ier" Just tell him you1re a %aptain"1
)ossarian turned to the startled patient -un!ar had indi%ated" 1#1m a
%aptain,1 he said, /er'ing his thum! o$er his shoulder" 1S%re."1
The startled patient /umped do.n to the floor at )ossarian1s %ommand and
ran a.ay" )ossarian %lim!ed up into his !ed and !e%ame ;arrant (ffi%er
Homer &umley, .ho felt li'e $omiting and .as %o$ered suddenly .ith a
%lammy s.eat" He slept for an hour and .anted to !e )ossarian again" #t
did not mean so mu%h to ha$e a father in the state legislature and a sister
.ho .as engaged to a %hampion s'ier" -un!ar led the .ay !a%' to
)ossarian1s .ard, .here he thum!ed +" 7ortiori out of !ed to !e%ome
-un!ar again for a .hile" There .as no sign of ;arrant (ffi%er Homer
&umley" ,urse Cramer .as there, though, and si00led .ith san%timonious
anger li'e a damp fire%ra%'er" She ordered )ossarian to get right !a%' into
his !ed and !lo%'ed his path so he %ouldn1t %omply" Her pretty fa%e .as
more repulsi$e than e$er" ,urse Cramer .as a good9hearted, sentimental
%reature .ho re/oi%ed unselfishly at ne.s of .eddings, engagements, !irths
and anni$ersaries e$en though she .as una%2uainted .ith any of the
people in$ol$ed"
1+re you %ra0y51 she s%olded $irtuously, sha'ing an indignant finger in front
of his eyes" 1# suppose you /ust don1t %are if you 'ill yourself, do you51
1#t1s my self,1 he reminded her"
1# suppose you /ust don1t %are if you lose your leg, do you51
1#t1s my leg"1
1#t %ertainly is not your legB1 ,urse Cramer retorted" 1That leg !elongs to the
:" S" go$ernment" #t1s no different than a gear or a !edpan" The +rmy has
in$ested a lot of money to ma'e you an airplane pilot, and you1$e no right to
diso!ey the do%tor1s orders"1
)ossarian .as not sure he li'ed !eing in$ested in" ,urse Cramer .as still
standing dire%tly in front of him so that he %ould not pass" His head .as
a%hing" ,urse Cramer shouted at him some 2uestion he %ould not
understand" He /er'ed his thum! o$er his shoulder and said, 1S%re."1
,urse Cramer %ra%'ed him in the fa%e so hard she almost 'no%'ed him
do.n" )ossarian dre. !a%' his fist to pun%h her in the /a. /ust as his leg
!u%'led and he !egan to fall" ,urse -u%'ett strode up in time to %at%h him"
She addressed them !oth firmly"
1Just .hat1s going on here51
1He .on1t get !a%' into his !ed,1 ,urse Cramer reported 0ealously in an
in/ured tone" 1Sue +nn, he said something a!solutely horri!le to me" (h, #
%an1t e$en ma'e myself repeat itB1
1She %alled me a gear,1 )ossarian muttered"
,urse -u%'ett .as not sympatheti%" 1;ill you get !a%' into !ed,1 she said,
1or must # ta'e you !y your ear and put you there51
1Ta'e me !y my ear and put me there,1 )ossarian dared her"
,urse -u%'ett too' him !y his ear and put him !a%' in !ed"
0urse "uckett
,urse Sue +nn -u%'ett .as a tall, spare, mature, straight9!a%'ed .oman
.ith a prominent, .ell9rounded ass, small !reasts and angular as%eti% ,e.
ngland features that %ame e2ually %lose to !eing $ery lo$ely and $ery
plain" Her s'in .as .hite and pin', her eyes small, her nose and %hin
slender and sharp" She .as a!le, prompt, stri%t and intelligent" She
.el%omed responsi!ility and 'ept her head in e$ery %risis" She .as adult
and self9reliant, and there .as nothing she needed from anyone" )ossarian
too' pity and de%ided to help her"
,e4t morning .hile she .as standing !ent o$er smoothing the sheets at the
foot of his !ed, he slipped his hand stealthily into the narro. spa%e !et.een
her 'nees and, all at on%e, !rought it up s.iftly under her dress as far as it
.ould go" ,urse -u%'ett shrie'ed and /umped into the air a mile, !ut it
.asn1t high enough, and she s2uirmed and $aulted and seesa.ed !a%'
and forth on her di$ine ful%rum for almost a full fifteen se%onds !efore she
.iggled free finally and retreated franti%ally into the aisle .ith an ashen,
trem!ling fa%e" She !a%'ed a.ay too far, and -un!ar, .ho had .at%hed
from the !eginning, sprang for.ard on his !ed .ithout .arning and flung
!oth arms around her !osom from !ehind" ,urse -u%'ett let out another
s%ream and t.isted a.ay, fleeing far enough from -un!ar for )ossarian to
lunge for.ard and gra! her !y the snat%h again" ,urse -u%'ett !oun%ed
out a%ross the aisle on%e more li'e a ping9pong !all .ith legs" -un!ar .as
.aiting $igilantly, ready to poun%e" She remem!ered him /ust in time and
leaped aside" -un!ar missed %ompletely and sailed !y her o$er the !ed to
the floor, landing on his s'ull .ith a soggy, %run%hing thud that 'no%'ed him
%old"
He .o'e up on the floor .ith a !leeding nose and e4a%tly the same
distressful head symptoms he had !een feigning all along" The .ard .as in
a %haoti% uproar" ,urse -u%'ett .as in tears, and )ossarian .as %onsoling
her apologeti%ally as he sat !eside her on the edge of a !ed" The
%ommanding %olonel .as .roth and shouting at )ossarian that he .ould
not permit his patients to ta'e inde%ent li!erties .ith his nurses"
1;hat do you .ant from him51 -un!ar as'ed plainti$ely from the floor,
.in%ing at the $i!rating pains in his temples that his $oi%e set up" 1He didn1t
do anything"1
1#1m tal'ing a!out youB1 the thin, dignified %olonel !ello.ed as loudly as he
%ould" 1)ou1re going to !e punished for .hat you did"1
1;hat do you .ant from him51 )ossarian %alled out" 1+ll he did .as fall on
his head"1
1+nd #1m tal'ing a!out you tooB1 the %olonel de%lared, .hirling to rage at
)ossarian" 1)ou1re going to !e good and sorry you gra!!ed ,urse -u%'ett
!y the !osom"1
1# didn1t gra! ,urse -u%'ett !y the !osom,1 said )ossarian"
1# gra!!ed her !y the !osom,1 said -un!ar"
1+re you !oth %ra0y51 the do%tor %ried shrilly, !a%'ing a.ay in paling
%onfusion"
1)es, he really is %ra0y, -o%,1 -un!ar assured him" 1$ery night he dreams
he1s holding a li$e fish in his hands"1
The do%tor stopped in his tra%'s .ith a loo' of elegant ama0ement and
distaste, and the .ard gre. still" 'He does #hat"' he demanded"
1He dreams he1s holding a li$e fish in his hand"1
1;hat 'ind of fish51 the do%tor in2uired sternly of )ossarian"
1# don1t 'no.,1 )ossarian ans.ered" 1# %an1t tell one 'ind of fish from
another"1
1#n .hi%h hand do you hold them51
1#t $aries,1 ans.ered )ossarian"
1#t $aries .ith the fish,1 -un!ar added helpfully"
The %olonel turned and stared do.n at -un!ar suspi%iously .ith a narro.
s2uint" 1)es5 +nd ho. %ome you seem to 'no. so mu%h a!out it51
1#1m in the dream,1 -un!ar ans.ered .ithout %ra%'ing a smile"
The %olonel1s fa%e flushed .ith em!arrassment" He glared at them !oth .ith
%old, unforgi$ing resentment" 16et up off the floor and into your !ed,1 he
dire%ted -un!ar through thin lips" 1+nd # don1t .ant to hear another .ord
a!out this dream from either one of you" #1$e got a man on my staff to listen
to disgusting !ilge li'e this"1
1Just .hy do you thin',1 %arefully in2uired Ma/or Sanderson, the soft and
thi%'set smiling staff psy%hiatrist to .hom the %olonel had ordered
)ossarian sent, 1that Colonel 7erredge finds your dream disgusting51
)ossarian replied respe%tfully" 1# suppose it1s either some 2uality in the
dream or some 2uality in Colonel 7erredge"1
1That1s $ery .ell put,1 applauded Ma/or Sanderson, .ho .ore s2uea'ing 6#
shoes and had %har%oal9!la%' hair that stood up almost straight" 17or some
reason,1 he %onfided, 1Colonel 7erredge has al.ays reminded me of a sea
gull" He doesn1t put mu%h faith in psy%hiatry, you 'no."1
1)ou don1t li'e sea gulls, do you51 in2uired )ossarian"
1,o, not $ery mu%h,1 admitted Ma/or Sanderson .ith a sharp, ner$ous laugh
and pulled at his pendulous se%ond %hin lo$ingly as though it .ere a long
goatee" 1# thin' your dream is %harming, and # hope it re%urs fre2uently so
that .e %an %ontinue dis%ussing it" ;ould you li'e a %igarette51 He smiled
.hen )ossarian de%lined" 1Just .hy do you thin',1 he as'ed 'no.ingly, 1that
you ha$e su%h a strong a$ersion to a%%epting a %igarette from me51
1# put one out a se%ond ago" #t1s still smoldering in your ash tray"1
Ma/or Sanderson %hu%'led" 1That1s a $ery ingenious e4planation" 3ut #
suppose .e1ll soon dis%o$er the true reason"1 He tied a sloppy dou!le !o.
in his opened shoela%e and then transferred a lined yello. pad from his
des' to his lap" 1This fish you dream a!out" &et1s tal' a!out that" #t1s al.ays
the same fish, isn1t it51
1# don1t 'no.,1 )ossarian replied" 1# ha$e trou!le re%ogni0ing fish"1
1;hat does the fish remind you of51
1(ther fish"1
1+nd .hat do other fish remind you of51
1(ther fish"1
Ma/or Sanderson sat !a%' disappointedly" 1-o you li'e fish51
1,ot espe%ially"1
1Just .hy do you thin' you ha$e su%h a mor!id a$ersion to fish51 as'ed
Ma/or Sanderson triumphantly"
1They1re too !land,1 )ossarian ans.ered" 1+nd too !ony"1
Ma/or Sanderson nodded understandingly, .ith a smile that .as agreea!le
and insin%ere" 1That1s a $ery interesting e4planation" 3ut .e1ll soon dis%o$er
the true reason, # suppose" -o you li'e this parti%ular fish5 The one you1re
holding in your hand51
1# ha$e no feelings a!out it either .ay"1
1-o you disli'e the fish5 -o you ha$e any hostile or aggressi$e emotions
to.ard it51
1,o, not at all" #n fa%t, # rather li'e the fish"1
1Then you do li'e the fish"1
1(h, no" # ha$e no feelings to.ard it either .ay"1
13ut you /ust said you li'ed it" +nd no. you say you ha$e no feelings to.ard
it either .ay" #1$e /ust %aught you in a %ontradi%tion" -on1t you see51
1)es, sir" # suppose you ha$e %aught me in a %ontradi%tion"1
Ma/or Sanderson proudly lettered 1Contradi%tion1 on his pad .ith his thi%'
!la%' pen%il" 1Just .hy do you thin',1 he resumed .hen he had finished,
loo'ing up, 1that you made those t.o statements e4pressing %ontradi%tory
emotional responses to the fish51
1# suppose # ha$e an am!i$alent attitude to.ard it"1
Ma/or Sanderson sprang up .ith /oy .hen he heard the .ords 1am!i$alent
attitude1" 1)ou do understandB1 he e4%laimed, .ringing his hands together
e%stati%ally" 1(h, you %an1t imagine ho. lonely it1s !een for me, tal'ing day
after day to patients .ho ha$en1t the slightest 'no.ledge of psy%hiatry,
trying to %ure people .ho ha$e no real interest in me or my .or'B #t1s gi$en
me su%h a terri!le feeling of inade2ua%y"1 + shado. of an4iety %rossed his
fa%e" 1# %an1t seem to sha'e it"1
1*eally51 as'ed )ossarian, .ondering .hat else to say" 1;hy do you !lame
yourself for gaps in the edu%ation of others51
1#t1s silly, # 'no.,1 Ma/or Sanderson replied uneasily .ith a giddy, in$oluntary
laugh" 13ut #1$e al.ays depended $ery hea$ily on the good opinion of
others" # rea%hed pu!erty a !it later than all the other !oys my age, you see,
and it1s gi$en me sort of = .ell, all sorts of pro!lems" # /ust 'no. #1m going
to en/oy dis%ussing them .ith you" #1m so eager to !egin that #1m almost
relu%tant to digress no. to your pro!lem, !ut #1m afraid # must" Colonel
7erredge .ould !e %ross if he 'ne. .e .ere spending all our time on me"
#1d li'e to sho. you some in' !lots no. to find out .hat %ertain shapes and
%olors remind you of"1
1)ou %an sa$e yourself the trou!le, -o%tor" $erything reminds me of se4"1
1-oes it51 %ried Ma/or Sanderson .ith delight, as though una!le to !elie$e
his ears" 1,o. .e1re really getting some.hereB -o you e$er ha$e any good
se4 dreams51
1My fish dream is a se4 dream"1
1,o, # mean real se4 dreams = the 'ind .here you gra! some na'ed !it%h
!y the ne%' and pin%h her and pun%h her in the fa%e until she1s all !loody
and then thro. yourself do.n to ra$ish her and !urst into tears !e%ause
you lo$e her and hate her so mu%h you don1t 'no. .hat else to
do" ,hat's the 'ind of se4 dreams # li'e to tal' a!out" -on1t you e$er ha$e
se4 dreams li'e that51
)ossarian refle%ted a moment .ith a .ise loo'" 1That1s a fish dream,1 he
de%ided"
Ma/or Sanderson re%oiled as though he had !een slapped" 1)es, of %ourse,1
he %on%eded frigidly, his manner %hanging to one of edgy and defensi$e
antagonism" 13ut #1d li'e you to dream one li'e that any.ay /ust to see ho.
you rea%t" That .ill !e all for today" #n the meantime, #1d also li'e you to
dream up the ans.ers to some of those 2uestions # as'ed you" These
sessions are no more pleasant for me than they are for you, you 'no."1
1#1ll mention it to -un!ar,1 )ossarian replied"
1-un!ar51
1He1s the one .ho started it all" #t1s his dream"1
1(h, -un!ar"1 Ma/or Sanderson sneered, his %onfiden%e returning" 1#1ll !et
-un!ar is that e$il fello. .ho really does all those nasty things you1re
al.ays !eing !lamed for, isn1t he51
1He1s not so e$il"1
+nd yet you1ll defend him to the $ery death, .on1t you51
1,ot that far"1
Ma/or Sanderson smiled tauntingly and .rote 1-un!ar1 on his pad" 1;hy are
you limping51 he as'ed sharply, as )ossarian mo$ed to the door" 1+nd .hat
the de$il is that !andage doing on your leg5 +re you mad or something51
1# .as .ounded in the leg" That1s .hat #1m in the hospital for"1
1(h, no, you1re not,1 gloated Ma/or Sanderson mali%iously" 1)ou1re in the
hospital for a stone in your sali$ary gland" So you1re not so smart after all,
are you5 )ou don1t e$en 'no. .hat you1re in the hospital for"1
1#1m in the hospital for a .ounded leg,1 )ossarian insisted"
Ma/or Sanderson ignored his argument .ith a sar%asti% laugh" 1;ell, gi$e
my regards to your friend -un!ar" +nd you .ill tell him to dream that dream
for me, .on1t you51
3ut -un!ar had nausea and di00iness .ith his %onstant heada%he and .as
not in%lined to %o9operate .ith Ma/or Sanderson" Hungry Joe had
nightmares !e%ause he had finished si4ty missions and .as .aiting again
to go home, !ut he .as un.illing to share any .hen he %ame to the hospital
to $isit"
1Hasn1t anyone got any dreams for Ma/or Sanderson51 )ossarian as'ed" 1#
hate to disappoint him" He feels so re/e%ted already"1
1#1$e !een ha$ing a $ery pe%uliar dream e$er sin%e # learned you .ere
.ounded,1 %onfessed the %haplain" 1# used to dream e$ery night that my .ife
.as dying or !eing murdered or that my %hildren .ere %ho'ing to death on
morsels of nutritious food" ,o. # dream that #1m out s.imming in .ater o$er
my head and a shar' is eating my left leg in e4a%tly the same pla%e .here
you ha$e your !andage"1
1That1s a .onderful dream,1 -un!ar de%lared" 1# !et Ma/or Sanderson .ill
lo$e it"1
1That1s a horri!le dreamB1 Ma/or Sanderson %ried" 1#t1s filled .ith pain and
mutilation and death" #1m sure you had it /ust to spite me" )ou 'no., #1m not
e$en sure you !elong in the +rmy, .ith a disgusting dream li'e that"1
)ossarian thought he spied a ray of hope" 1Perhaps you1re right, sir,1 he
suggested slyly" 1Perhaps # ought to !e grounded and returned to the
States"1
1Hasn1t it e$er o%%urred to you that in your promis%uous pursuit of .omen
you are merely trying to assuage your su!%ons%ious fears of se4ual
impoten%e51
1)es, sir, it has"1
1Then .hy do you do it51
1To assuage my fears of se4ual impoten%e"1
1;hy don1t you get yourself a good ho!!y instead51 Ma/or Sanderson
in2uired .ith friendly interest" 1&i'e fishing" -o you really find ,urse -u%'ett
so attra%ti$e5 # should thin' she .as rather !ony" *ather !land and !ony,
you 'no." &i'e a fish"1
1# hardly 'no. ,urse -u%'ett"1
1Then .hy did you gra! her !y the !osom5 Merely !e%ause she has one51
1-un!ar did that"1
1(h, don1t start that again,1 Ma/or Sanderson e4%laimed .ith $itrioli% s%orn,
and hurled do.n his pen%il disgustedly" 1-o you really thin' that you %an
a!sol$e yourself of guilt !y pretending to !e someone else5 # don1t li'e you,
7ortiori" -o you 'no. that5 # don1t li'e you at all"1
)ossarian felt a %old, damp .ind of apprehension !lo. o$er him" 1#1m not
7ortiori, sir,1 he said timidly" 1#1m )ossarian"1
1)ou1re .ho51
1My name is )ossarian, sir" +nd #1m in the hospital .ith a .ounded leg"1
1)our name is 7ortiori,1 Ma/or Sanderson %ontradi%ted him !elligerently" 1+nd
you1re in the hospital for a stone in your sali$ary gland"1
1(h, %ome on, Ma/orB1 )ossarian e4ploded" 1# ought to 'no. .ho # am"1
1+nd #1$e got an offi%ial +rmy re%ord here to pro$e it,1 Ma/or Sanderson
retorted" 1)ou1d !etter get a grip on yourself !efore it1s too late" 7irst you1re
-un!ar" ,o. you1re )ossarian" The ne4t thing you 'no. you1ll !e %laiming
you1re ;ashington #r$ing" -o you 'no. .hat1s .rong .ith you5 )ou1$e got
a split personality, that1s .hat1s .rong .ith you"1
1Perhaps you1re right, sir"1 )ossarian agreed diplomati%ally"
1# 'no. #1m right" )ou1$e got a !ad perse%ution %omple4" )ou thin' people
are trying to harm you"1
1People are trying to harm me"1
1)ou see5 )ou ha$e no respe%t for e4%essi$e authority or o!solete
traditions" )ou1re dangerous and depra$ed, and you ought to !e ta'en
outside and shotB1
1+re you serious51
1)ou1re an enemy of the peopleB1
1+re you nuts51 )ossarian shouted"
1,o, #1m not nuts,1 -o!!s roared furiously !a%' in the .ard, in .hat he
imagined .as a furti$e .hisper" 1Hungry Joe sa. them, # tell you" He sa.
them yesterday .hen he fle. to ,aples to pi%' up some !la%'9mar'et air
%onditioners for Colonel Cath%art1s farm" They1$e got a !ig repla%ement
%enter there and it1s filled .ith hundreds of pilots, !om!ardiers and gunners
on the .ay home" They1$e got forty9fi$e missions, that1s all" + fe. .ith
Purple Hearts ha$e e$en less" *epla%ement %re.s are pouring in from the
States into the other !om!er groups" They .ant e$eryone to ser$e
o$erseas at least on%e, e$en administrati$e personnel" -on1t you read the
papers5 ;e1$e got to 'ill him no.B1
1)ou1$e got only t.o more missions to fly,1 )ossarian reasoned .ith him in a
lo. $oi%e" 1;hy ta'e a %han%e51
1# %an get 'illed flying them, too,1 -o!!s ans.ered pugna%iously in his
rough, 2ua$ering, o$er.rought $oi%e" 1;e %an 'ill him the first thing
tomorro. morning .hen he dri$es !a%' from his farm" #1$e got the gun right
here"1
)ossarian goggled .ith ama0ement as -o!!s pulled a gun out of his
po%'et and displayed it high in the air" 1+re you %ra0y51 he hissed franti%ally"
1Put it a.ay" +nd 'eep your idiot $oi%e do.n"1
1;hat are you .orried a!out51 -o!!s as'ed .ith offended inno%en%e" 1,o
one %an hear us"1
1Hey, 'no%' it off do.n there,1 a $oi%e rang out from the far end of the .ard"
1Can1t you see .e1re trying to nap51
1;hat the hell are you, a .ise guy51 -o!!s yelled !a%' and spun around
.ith %len%hed fists, ready to fight" He .hirled !a%' to )ossarian and, !efore
he %ould spea', snee0ed thunderously si4 times, staggering side.ays on
ru!!ery legs in the inter$als and raising his el!o.s ineffe%ti$ely to fend
ea%h sei0ure off" The lids of his .atery eyes .ere puffy and inflamed"
1;ho does he thin',1 he demanded, sniffing spasmodi%ally and .iping his
nose .ith the !a%' of his sturdy .rist, 1he is, a %op or something51
1He1s a C"#"-" man,1 )ossarian notified him tran2uilly" 1;e1$e got three here
no. and more on the .ay" (h, don1t !e s%ared" They1re after a forger
named ;ashington #r$ing" They1re not interested in murderers"1
1Murderers51 -o!!s .as affronted" 1;hy do you %all us murderers5 Just
!e%ause .e1re going to murder Colonel Cath%art51
13e 2uiet, damn youB1 dire%ted )ossarian" 1Can1t you .hisper51
1# am .hispering" # =1
1)ou1re still shouting"1
1,o, #1m not" # =1
1Hey, shut up do.n there, .ill you51 patients all o$er the .ard !egan
hollering at -o!!s"
1#1ll fight you allB1 -o!!s s%reamed !a%' at them, and stood up on a ri%'ety
.ooden %hair, .a$ing the gun .ildly" )ossarian %aught his arm and yan'ed
him do.n" -o!!s !egan snee0ing again" 1# ha$e an allergy,1 he apologi0ed
.hen he had finished, his nostrils running and his eyes streaming .ith
tears"
1That1s too !ad" )ou1d ma'e a great leader of men .ithout it"1
1Colonel Cath%art1s the murderer,1 -o!!s %omplained hoarsely .hen he had
sho$ed a.ay a soiled, %rumpled 'ha'i hand'er%hief" 1Colonel Cath%art1s the
one .ho1s going to murder us all if .e don1t do something to stop him"1
1May!e he .on1t raise the missions any more" May!e si4ty is as high as he1ll
go"1
1He al.ays raises the missions" )ou 'no. that !etter than # do"1 -o!!s
s.allo.ed and !ent his intense fa%e $ery %lose to )ossarian1s, the mus%les
in his !ron0e, ro%'li'e /a. !un%hing up into 2ui$ering 'nots" 1Just say it1s
o'ay and #1ll do the .hole thing tomorro. morning" -o you understand .hat
#1m telling you5 #1m .hispering no., ain1t #51
)ossarian tore his eyes a.ay from the ga0e of !urning entreaty -o!!s had
fastened on him" 1;hy the goddam hell don1t you /ust go out and do it51 he
protested" 1;hy don1t you stop tal'ing to me a!out it and do it alone51
1#1m afraid to do it alone" #1m afraid to do anything alone"1
1Then lea$e me out of it" #1d ha$e to !e %ra0y to get mi4ed up in something
li'e this no." #1$e got a million9dollar leg .ound here" They1re going to send
me home"1
1+re you %ra0y51 -o!!s e4%laimed in dis!elief" 1+ll you1$e got there is a
s%rat%h" He1ll ha$e you !a%' flying %om!at missions the day you %ome out,
Purple Heart and all"1
1Then # really .ill 'ill him,1 )ossarian $o.ed" 1#1ll %ome loo'ing for you and
.e1ll do it together"1
1Then let1s do it tomorro. .hile .e1$e still got the %han%e,1 -o!!s pleaded"
1The %haplain says he1s $olunteered the group for +$ignon again" # may !e
'illed !efore you get out" &oo' ho. these hands of mine sha'e" # %an1t fly a
plane" #1m not good enough"1
)ossarian .as afraid to say yes" 1# .ant to .ait and see .hat happens first"1
1The trou!le .ith you is that you /ust .on1t do anything,1 -o!!s %omplained
in a thi%' infuriated $oi%e"
1#1m doing e$erything # possi!ly %an,1 the %haplain e4plained softly to
)ossarian after -o!!s had departed" 1# e$en .ent to the medi%al tent to
spea' to -o% -anee'a a!out helping you"1
1)es, # %an see"1 )ossarian suppressed a smile" 1;hat happened51
1They painted my gums purple,1 the %haplain replied sheepishly"
1They painted his toes purple, too,1 ,ately added in outrage" 1+nd then they
ga$e him a la4ati$e"1
13ut # .ent !a%' again this morning to see him"1
1+nd they painted his gums purple again,1 said ,ately"
13ut # did get to spea' to him,1 the %haplain argued in a plainti$e tone of self9
/ustifi%ation" 1-o%tor -anee'a seems li'e su%h an unhappy man" He
suspe%ts that someone is plotting to transfer him to the Pa%ifi% (%ean" +ll
this time he1s !een thin'ing of %oming to me for help" ;hen # told him #
needed his help, he .ondered if there .asn1t a %haplain : %ouldn1t go see"1
The %haplain .aited in patient de/e%tion .hen )ossarian and -un!ar !oth
!ro'e into laughter" 1# used to thin' it .as immoral to !e unhappy,1 he
%ontinued, as though 'eening aloud in solitude" 1,o. # don1t 'no. .hat to
thin' any more" #1d li'e to ma'e the su!/e%t of immorality the !asis of my
sermon this Sunday, !ut #1m not sure # ought to gi$e any sermon at all .ith
these purple gums" Colonel >orn .as $ery displeased .ith them"1
1Chaplain, .hy don1t you %ome into the hospital .ith us for a .hile and ta'e
it easy51 )ossarian in$ited" 1)ou %ould !e $ery %omforta!le here"1
The !rash ini2uity of the proposal tempted and amused the %haplain for a
se%ond or t.o" 1,o, # don1t thin' so,1 he de%ided relu%tantly" 1# .ant to
arrange for a trip to the mainland to see a mail %ler' named ;intergreen"
-o%tor -anee'a told me he %ould help"1
1;intergreen is pro!a!ly the most influential man in the .hole theater of
operations" He1s not only a mail %ler', !ut he has a%%ess to a mimeograph
ma%hine" 3ut he .on1t help any!ody" That1s one of the reasons he1ll go far"1
1#1d li'e to spea' to him any.ay" There must !e some!ody .ho .ill help
you"1
1-o it for -un!ar, Chaplain,1 )ossarian %orre%ted .ith a superior air" 1#1$e got
this million9dollar leg .ound that .ill ta'e me out of %om!at" #f that doesn1t
do it, there1s a psy%hiatrist .ho thin's #1m not good enough to !e in the
+rmy"1
1#1m the one .ho isn1t good enough to !e in the +rmy,1 -un!ar .hined
/ealously" 1#t .as my dream"1
1#t1s not the dream, -un!ar,1 )ossarian e4plained" 1He li'es your dream" #t1s
my personality" He thin's it1s split"1
1#t1s split right do.n the middle,1 said Ma/or Sanderson, .ho had la%ed his
lumpy 6# shoes for the o%%asion and had sli%'ed his %har%oal9dull hair
do.n .ith some stiffening and redolent toni%" He smiled ostentatiously to
sho. himself reasona!le and ni%e" 1#1m not saying that to !e %ruel and
insulting,1 he %ontinued .ith %ruel and insulting delight" 1#1m not saying it
!e%ause # hate you and .ant re$enge" #1m not saying it !e%ause you
re/e%ted me and hurt my feelings terri!ly" ,o, #1m a man of medi%ine and #1m
!eing %oldly o!/e%ti$e" # ha$e $ery !ad ne.s for you" +re you man enough
to ta'e it51
16od, noB1 s%reamed )ossarian" 1#1ll go right to pie%es"1
Ma/or Sanderson fle. instantly into a rage" 1Can1t you e$en do one thing
right51 he pleaded, turning !eet9red .ith $e4ation and %rashing the sides of
!oth fists do.n upon his des' together" 1The trou!le .ith you is that you
thin' you1re too good for all the %on$entions of so%iety" )ou pro!a!ly thin'
you1re too good for me too, /ust !e%ause # arri$ed at pu!erty late" ;ell, do
you 'no. .hat you are5 )ou1re a frustrated, unhappy, disillusioned,
undis%iplined, malad/usted young manB1 Ma/or Sanderson1s disposition
seemed to mello. as he reeled off the un%omplimentary ad/e%ti$es"
1)es, sir,1 )ossarian agreed %arefully" 1# guess you1re right"1
1(f %ourse #1m right" )ou1re immature" )ou1$e !een una!le to ad/ust to the
idea of .ar"1
1)es, sir"1
1)ou ha$e a mor!id a$ersion to dying" )ou pro!a!ly resent the fa%t that
you1re at .ar and might get your head !lo.n off any se%ond"1
1# more than resent it, sir" #1m a!solutely in%ensed"1
1)ou ha$e deep9seated sur$i$al an4ieties" +nd you don1t li'e !igots, !ullies,
sno!s or hypo%rites" Su!%ons%iously there are many people you hate"1
1Cons%iously, sir, %ons%iously,1 )ossarian %orre%ted in an effort to help" 1#
hate them %ons%iously"1
1)ou1re antagonisti% to the idea of !eing ro!!ed, e4ploited, degraded,
humiliated or de%ei$ed" Misery depresses you" #gnoran%e depresses you"
Perse%ution depresses you" Fiolen%e depresses you" Slums depress you"
6reed depresses you" Crime depresses you" Corruption depresses you"
)ou 'no., it .ouldn1t surprise me if you1re a mani%9depressi$eB1
1)es, sir" Perhaps # am"1
1-on1t try to deny it"1
1#1m not denying it, sir,1 said )ossarian, pleased .ith the mira%ulous rapport
that finally e4isted !et.een them" 1# agree .ith all you1$e said"1
1Then you admit you1re %ra0y, do you51
1Cra0y51 )ossarian .as sho%'ed" 1;hat are you tal'ing a!out5 ;hy am #
%ra0y5 )ou1re the one .ho1s %ra0yB1
Ma/or Sanderson turned red .ith indignation again and %rashed !oth fists
do.n upon his thighs" 1Calling me %ra0y,1 he shouted in a sputtering rage, 1is
a typi%ally sadisti% and $indi%ti$e paranoia% rea%tionB )ou really are %ra0yB1
1Then .hy don1t you send me home51
1+nd #1m going to send you homeB1
1They1re going to send me homeB1 )ossarian announ%ed /u!ilantly, as he
ho!!led !a%' into the .ard"
1Me tooB1 +" 7ortiori re/oi%ed" 1They /ust %ame to my .ard and told me"1
1;hat a!out me51 -un!ar demanded petulantly of the do%tors"
1)ou51 they replied .ith asperity" 1)ou1re going .ith )ossarian" *ight !a%'
into %om!atB1
+nd !a%' into %om!at they !oth .ent" )ossarian .as enraged .hen the
am!ulan%e returned him to the s2uadron, and he .ent limping for /usti%e to
-o% -anee'a, .ho glared at him glumly .ith misery and disdain"
1)ouB1 -o% -anee'a e4%laimed mournfully .ith a%%using disgust, the egg9
shaped pou%hes under !oth eyes firm and %ensorious" 1+ll you e$er thin' of
is yourself" 6o ta'e a loo' at the !om! line if you .ant to see .hat1s !een
happening sin%e you .ent to the hospital"1
)ossarian .as startled" 1+re .e losing51
1&osing51 -o% -anee'a %ried" 1The .hole military situation has !een going
to hell e$er sin%e .e %aptured Paris" # 'ne. it .ould happen"1 He paused,
his sul'ing ire turning to melan%holy, and fro.ned irrita!ly as though it .ere
all )ossarian1s fault" 1+meri%an troops are pushing into 6erman soil" The
*ussians ha$e %aptured !a%' all of *omania" (nly yesterday the 6ree's in
the ighth +rmy %aptured *imini" The 6ermans are on the defensi$e
e$ery.hereB1 -o% -anee'a paused again and fortified himself .ith a huge
!reath for a pier%ing e/a%ulation of grief" 1There1s no more &uft.affe leftB1 he
.ailed" He seemed ready to !urst into tears" 1The .hole 6othi% line is in
danger of %ollapsingB1
1So51 as'ed )ossarian" 1;hat1s .rong51
1;hat1s .rong51 -o% -anee'a %ried" 1#f something doesn1t happen soon,
6ermany may surrender" +nd then .e1ll all !e sent to the Pa%ifi%B1
)ossarian ga.'ed at -o% -anee'a in grotes2ue dismay" 1+re you %ra0y5
-o you 'no. .hat you1re saying51
1)eah, it1s easy for you to laugh,1 -o% -anee'a sneered"
1;ho the hell is laughing51
1+t least you1$e got a %han%e" )ou1re in %om!at and might get 'illed" 3ut
.hat a!out me5 #1$e got nothing to hope for"1
1)ou1re out of your goddam headB1 )ossarian shouted at him emphati%ally,
sei0ing him !y the shirt front" 1-o you 'no. that5 ,o. 'eep your stupid
mouth shut and listen to me"1
-o% -anee'a .ren%hed himself a.ay" 1-on1t you dare tal' to me li'e that"
#1m a li%ensed physi%ian"1
1Then 'eep your stupid li%ensed physi%ian1s mouth shut and listen to .hat
they told me up at the hospital" #1m %ra0y" -id you 'no. that51
1So51
1*eally %ra0y"1
1So51
1#1m nuts" Cu%'oo" -on1t you understand5 #1m off my ro%'er" They sent
someone else home in my pla%e !y mista'e" They1$e got a li%ensed
psy%hiatrist up at the hospital .ho e4amined me, and that .as his $erdi%t"
#1m really insane"1
1So51
1So51 )ossarian .as pu00led !y -o% -anee'a1s ina!ility to %omprehend"
1-on1t you see .hat that means5 ,o. you %an ta'e me off %om!at duty and
send me home" They1re not going to send a %ra0y man out to !e 'illed, are
they51
1;ho else .ill go51
"o))s
M%;att .ent, and M%;att .as not %ra0y" +nd so did )ossarian, still
.al'ing .ith a limp, and .hen )ossarian had gone t.o more times and
then found himself mena%ed !y the rumor of another mission to 3ologna,
he limped determinedly into -o!!s1s tent early one .arm afternoon, put a
finger to his mouth and said, 1ShushB1
1;hat are you shushing him for51 as'ed >id Sampson, peeling a tangerine
.ith his front teeth as he perused the dog9eared pages of a %omi% !oo'" 1He
isn1t e$en saying anything"1
1S%re.,1 said )ossarian to >id Sampson, /er'ing his thum! !a%' o$er his
shoulder to.ard the entran%e of the tent"
>id Sampson %o%'ed his !lond eye!ro.s dis%erningly and rose to %o9
operate" He .histled up.ard four times into his drooping yello. musta%he
and spurted a.ay into the hills on the dented old green motor%y%le he had
pur%hased se%ondhand months !efore" )ossarian .aited until the last faint
!ar' of the motor had died a.ay in the distan%e" Things inside the tent did
not seem 2uite normal" The pla%e .as too neat" -o!!s .as .at%hing him
%uriously, smo'ing a fat %igar" ,o. that )ossarian had made up his mind to
!e !ra$e, he .as deathly afraid"
1+ll right,1 he said" 1&et1s 'ill Colonel Cath%art" ;e1ll do it together"1
-o!!s sprang for.ard off his %ot .ith a loo' of .ildest terror" 1ShushB1 he
roared" 1>ill Colonel Cath%art5 ;hat are you tal'ing a!out51
13e 2uiet, damn it,1 )ossarian snarled" 1The .hole island .ill hear" Ha$e you
still got that gun51
1+re you %ra0y or something51 shouted -o!!s" 1;hy should # .ant to 'ill
Colonel Cath%art51
1!hy"1 )ossarian stared at -o!!s .ith an in%redulous s%o.l" 1!hy" #t .as
your idea, .asn1t it5 -idn1t you %ome to the hospital and as' me to do it51
-o!!s smiled slo.ly" 13ut that .as .hen # had only fifty9eight missions,1 he
e4plained, puffing on his %igar lu4uriously" 1#1m all pa%'ed no. and #1m
.aiting to go home" #1$e finished my si4ty missions"1
1So .hat51 )ossarian replied" 1He1s only going to raise them again"1
1May!e this time he .on1t"1
1He al.ays raises them" ;hat the hell1s the matter .ith you, -o!!s5 +s'
Hungry Joe ho. many time he1s pa%'ed his !ags"1
1#1$e got to .ait and see .hat happens,1 -o!!s maintained stu!!ornly" 1#1d
ha$e to !e %ra0y to get mi4ed up in something li'e this no. that #1m out of
%om!at"1 He fli%'ed the ash from his %igar" 1,o, my ad$i%e to you,1 he
remar'ed, 1is that you fly your si4ty missions li'e the rest of us and then see
.hat happens"1
)ossarian resisted the impulse to spit s2uarely in his eye" 1# may not li$e
through si4ty,1 he .heedled in a flat, pessimisti% $oi%e" 1There1s a rumor
around that he $olunteered the group for 3ologna again"1
1#t1s only a rumor,1 -o!!s pointed out .ith a self9important air" 1)ou mustn1t
!elie$e e$ery rumor you hear"1
1;ill you stop gi$ing me ad$i%e51
1;hy don1t you spea' to (rr51 -o!!s ad$ised" 1(rr got 'no%'ed do.n into
the .ater again last .ee' on that se%ond mission to +$ignon" May!e he1s
unhappy enough to 'ill him"1
1(rr hasn1t got !rains enough to !e unhappy"1
(rr had !een 'no%'ed do.n into the .ater again .hile )ossarian .as still
in the hospital and had eased his %rippled airplane do.n gently into the
glassy !lue s.ells off Marseilles .ith su%h fla.less s'ill that not one
mem!er of the si49man %re. suffered the slightest !ruise" The es%ape
hat%hes in the front and rear se%tions fle. open .hile the sea .as still
foaming .hite and green around the plane, and the men s%ram!led out as
speedily as they %ould in their fla%%id orange Mae ;est life /a%'ets that
failed to inflate and dangled limp and useless around their ne%'s and
.aists" The life /a%'ets failed to inflate !e%ause Milo had remo$ed the t.in
%ar!on9dio4ide %ylinders from the inflating %ham!ers to ma'e the stra.!erry
and %rushed9pineapple i%e9%ream sodas he ser$ed in the offi%ers1 mess hall
and had repla%ed them .ith mimeographed notes that read@ 1;hat1s good
for M I M nterprises is good for the %ountry"1 (rr popped out of the sin'ing
airplane last"
1)ou should ha$e seen himB1 Sergeant >night roared .ith laughter as he
related the episode to )ossarian" 1#t .as the funniest goddam thing you
e$er sa." ,one of the Mae ;ests .ould .or' !e%ause Milo had stolen the
%ar!on dio4ide to ma'e those i%e9%ream sodas you !astards ha$e !een
getting in the offi%ers1 mess" 3ut that .asn1t too !ad, as it turned out" (nly
one of us %ouldn1t s.im, and .e lifted that guy up into the raft after (rr had
.or'ed it o$er !y its rope right up against the fuselage .hile .e .ere all still
standing on the plane" That little %ra%'pot sure has a 'na%' for things li'e
that" Then the other raft %ame loose and drifted a.ay, so that all si4 of us
.ound up sitting in one .ith our el!o.s and legs pressed so %lose against
ea%h other you almost %ouldn1t mo$e .ithout 'no%'ing the guy ne4t to you
out of the raft into the .ater" The plane .ent do.n a!out three se%onds
after .e left it and .e .ere out there all alone, and right after that .e !egan
uns%re.ing the %aps on our Mae ;ests to see .hat the hell had gone
.rong and found those goddam notes from Milo telling us that .hat .as
good for him .as good enough for the rest of us" That !astardB Jesus, did
.e %urse him, all e4%ept that !uddy of yours, (rr, .ho /ust 'ept grinning as
though for all he %ared .hat .as good for Milo might !e good enough for
the rest of us"
1# s.ear, you should ha$e seen him sitting up there on the rim of the raft li'e
the %aptain of a ship .hile the rest of us /ust .at%hed him and .aited for
him to tell us .hat to do" He 'ept slapping his hands on his legs e$ery fe.
se%onds as though he had the sha'es and saying, G+ll right no., all right,G
and giggling li'e a %ra0y little frea', then saying, G+ll right no., all right,G
again, and giggling li'e a %ra0y little frea' some more" #t .as li'e .at%hing
some 'ind of a moron" ;at%hing him .as all that 'ept us from going to
pie%es altogether during the first fe. minutes, .hat .ith ea%h .a$e .ashing
o$er us into the raft or dumping a fe. of us !a%' into the .ater so that .e
had to %lim! !a%' in again !efore the ne4t .a$e %ame along and .ashed us
right !a%' out" #t .as sure funny" ;e /ust 'ept falling out and %lim!ing !a%'
in" ;e had the guy .ho %ouldn1t s.im stret%hed out in the middle of the raft
on the floor, !ut e$en there he almost dro.ned, !e%ause the .ater inside
the raft .as deep enough to 'eep splashing in his fa%e" (h, !oyB
1Then (rr !egan opening up %ompartments in the raft, and the fun really
!egan" 7irst he found a !o4 of %ho%olate !ars and he passed those around
so .e sat there eating salty %ho%olate !ars .hile the .a$es 'ept 'no%'ing
us out of the raft into the .ater" ,e4t he found some !ouillon %u!es and
aluminum %ups and made us some soup" Then he found some tea" Sure,
he made itB Can1t you see him ser$ing us tea as .e sat there soa'ing .et in
.ater up to our ass5 ,o. # .as falling out of the raft !e%ause # .as
laughing so mu%h" ;e .ere all laughing" +nd he .as dead serious, e4%ept
for that goofy giggle of his and that %ra0y grin" ;hat a /er'B ;hate$er he
found he used" He found some shar' repellent and he sprin'led it right out
into the .ater" He found some mar'er dye and he thre. it into the .ater"
The ne4t thing he finds is a fishing line and dried !ait, and his fa%e lights up
as though the +ir9Sea *es%ue laun%h had /ust sped up to sa$e us !efore
.e died of e4posure or !efore the 6ermans sent a !oat out from Spe0ia to
ta'e us prisoner or ma%hine9gun us" #n no time at all, (rr had that fishing
line out into the .ater, trolling a.ay as happy as a lar'" G&ieutenant, .hat
do you e4pe%t to %at%h5G # as'ed him" GCod,G he told me" +nd he meant it"
+nd it1s a good thing he didn1t %at%h any, !e%ause he .ould ha$e eaten that
%odfish ra. if he had %aught any, and .ould ha$e made us eat it, too,
!e%ause he had found this little !oo' that said it .as all right to eat %odfish
ra."
1The ne4t thing he found .as this little !lue oar a!out the si0e of a -i4ie9%up
spoon, and, sure enough, he !egan ro.ing .ith it, trying to mo$e all nine
hundred pounds of us .ith that little sti%'" Can you imagine5 +fter that he
found a small magneti% %ompass and a !ig .aterproof map, and he spread
the map open on his 'nees and set the %ompass on top of it" +nd that1s ho.
he spent the time until the laun%h pi%'ed us up a!out thirty minutes later,
sitting there .ith that !aited fishing line out !ehind him, .ith the %ompass in
his lap and the map spread out on his 'nees, and paddling a.ay as hard as
he %ould .ith that din'y !lue oar as though he .as speeding to Ma/or%a"
JesusB1
Sergeant >night 'ne. all a!out Ma/or%a, and so did (rr, !e%ause
)ossarian had told them often of su%h san%tuaries as Spain, S.it0erland
and S.eden .here +meri%an fliers %ould !e interned for the duration of the
.ar under %onditions of utmost ease and lu4ury merely !y flying there"
)ossarian .as the s2uadron1s leading authority on internment and had
already !egun plotting an emergen%y heading into S.it0erland on e$ery
mission he fle. into northernmost #taly" He .ould %ertainly ha$e preferred
S.eden, .here the le$el of intelligen%e .as high and .here he %ould s.im
nude .ith !eautiful girls .ith lo., demurring $oi%es and sire .hole happy,
undis%iplined tri!es of illegitimate )ossarians that the state .ould assist
through parturition and laun%h into life .ithout stigmaA !ut S.eden .as out
of rea%h, too far a.ay, and )ossarian .aited for the pie%e of fla' that .ould
'no%' out one engine o$er the #talian +lps and pro$ide him .ith the e4%use
for heading for S.it0erland" He .ould not e$en tell his pilot he .as guiding
him there" )ossarian often thought of s%heming .ith some pilot he trusted
to fa'e a %rippled engine and then destroy the e$iden%e of de%eption .ith a
!elly landing, !ut the only pilot he really trusted .as M%;att, .ho .as
happiest .here he .as and still got a !ig !oot out of !u00ing his plane o$er
)ossarian1s tent or roaring in so lo. o$er the !athers at the !ea%h that the
fier%e .ind from his propellers slashed dar' furro.s in the .ater and
.hipped sheets of spray flapping !a%' for se%onds after.ard"
-o!!s and Hungry Joe .ere out of the 2uestion, and so .as (rr, .ho .as
tin'ering .ith the $al$e of the sto$e again .hen )ossarian limped
despondently !a%' into the tent after -o!!s had turned him do.n" The
sto$e (rr .as manufa%turing out of an in$erted metal drum stood in the
middle of the smooth %ement floor he had %onstru%ted" He .as .or'ing
sedulously on !oth 'nees" )ossarian tried paying no attention to him and
limped .earily to his %ot and sat do.n .ith a la!ored, dra.n9out grunt"
Pri%'les of perspiration .ere turning %hilly on his forehead" -o!!s had
depressed him" -o% -anee'a depressed him" +n ominous $ision of doom
depressed him .hen he loo'ed at (rr" He !egan ti%'ing .ith a $ariety of
internal tremors" ,er$es t.it%hed, and the $ein in one .rist !egan
palpitating"
(rr studied )ossarian o$er his shoulder, his moist lips dra.n !a%' around
%on$e4 ro.s of large !u%' teeth" *ea%hing side.ays, he dug a !ottle of
.arm !eer out of his foot lo%'er, and he handed it to )ossarian after prying
off the %ap" ,either said a .ord" )ossarian sipped the !u!!les off the top
and tilted his head !a%'" (rr .at%hed him %unningly .ith a noiseless grin"
)ossarian eyed (rr guardedly" (rr sni%'ered .ith a slight, mu%id si!ilan%e
and turned !a%' to his .or', s2uatting" )ossarian gre. tense"
1-on1t start,1 he !egged in a threatening $oi%e, !oth hands tightening around
his !eer !ottle" 1-on1t start .or'ing on your sto$e"1
(rr %a%'led 2uietly" 1#1m almost finished"1
1,o, you1re not" )ou1re a!out to !egin"1
1Here1s the $al$e" See5 #t1s almost all together"1
1+nd you1re a!out to ta'e it apart" # 'no. .hat you1re doing, you !astard"
#1$e seen you do it three hundred times"1
(rr shi$ered .ith glee" 1# .ant to get the lea' in this gasoline line out,1 he
e4plained" 1#1$e got it do.n no. to .here it1s only an oo0e"1
1# %an1t .at%h you,1 )ossarian %onfessed tonelessly" 1#f you .ant to .or' .ith
something !ig, that1s o'ay" 3ut that $al$e is filled .ith tiny parts, and # /ust
ha$en1t got the patien%e right no. to .at%h you .or'ing so hard o$er things
that are so goddam small and unimportant"1
1Just !e%ause they1re small doesn1t mean they1re unimportant"1
1# don1t %are"1
1(n%e more51
1;hen #1m not around" )ou1re a happy im!e%ile and you don1t 'no. .hat it
means to feel the .ay # do" Things happen to me .hen you .or' o$er small
things that # %an1t e$en !egin to e4plain" # find out that # %an1t stand you" #
start to hate you, and #1m soon thin'ing seriously a!out !usting this !ottle
do.n on your head or sta!!ing you in the ne%' .ith that hunting 'nife there"
-o you understand51
(rr nodded $ery intelligently" 1# .on1t ta'e the $al$e apart no.,1 he said, and
!egan ta'ing it apart, .or'ing .ith slo., tireless, intermina!le pre%ision, his
rusti%, ungainly fa%e !ent $ery %lose to the floor, pi%'ing painsta'ingly at the
minute me%hanism in his fingers .ith su%h limitless, plodding %on%entration
that he seemed s%ar%ely to !e thin'ing of it at all"
)ossarian %ursed him silently and made up his mind to ignore him" 1;hat
the hell1s your hurry .ith that sto$e, any.ay51 he !ar'ed out a moment later
in spite of himself" 1#t1s still hot out" ;e1re pro!a!ly going s.imming later"
;hat are you .orried a!out the %old for"1
1The days are getting shorter,1 (rr o!ser$ed philosophi%ally" 1#1d li'e to get
this all finished for you .hile there1s still time" )ou1ll ha$e the !est sto$e in
the s2uadron .hen #1m through" #t .ill !urn all night .ith this feed %ontrol #1m
fi4ing, and these metal plates .ill radiate the heat all o$er the tent" #f you
lea$e a helmet full of .ater on this thing .hen you go to sleep, you1ll ha$e
.arm .ater to .ash .ith all ready for you .hen you .a'e up" ;on1t that !e
ni%e5 #f you .ant to %oo' eggs or soup, all you1ll ha$e to do is set the pot
do.n here and turn the fire up"1
1;hat do you mean, me51 )ossarian .anted to 'no." 1;here are you going
to !e51
(rr1s stunted torso shoo' suddenly .ith a muffled spasm of amusement" 1#
don1t 'no.,1 he e4%laimed, and a .eird, .a$ering giggle gushed out
suddenly through his %hattering !u%' teeth li'e an e4ploding /et of emotion"
He .as still laughing .hen he %ontinued, and his $oi%e .as %logged .ith
sali$a" 1#f they 'eep on shooting me do.n this .ay, # don1t 'no. .here #1m
going to !e"1
)ossarian .as mo$ed" 1;hy don1t you try to stop flying, (rr5 )ou1$e got an
e4%use"1
1#1$e only got eighteen missions"1
13ut you1$e !een shot do.n on almost e$ery one" )ou1re either dit%hing or
%rash9landing e$ery time you go up"1
1(h, # don1t mind flying missions" # guess they1re lots of fun" )ou ought to try
flying a fe. .ith me .hen you1re not flying lead" Just for laughs" Tee9hee"1
(rr ga0ed up at )ossarian through the %orners of his eyes .ith a loo' of
pointed mirth"
)ossarian a$oided his stare" 1They1$e got me flying lead again"1
1;hen you1re not flying lead" #f you had any !rains, do you 'no. .hat you1d
do5 )ou1d go right to Pilt%hard and ;ren and tell them you .ant to fly .ith
me"1
1+nd get shot do.n .ith you e$ery time you go up5 ;hat1s the fun in that51
1That1s /ust .hy you ought to do it,1 (rr insisted" 1# guess #1m /ust a!out the
!est pilot around no. .hen it %omes to dit%hing or ma'ing %rash landings" #t
.ould !e good pra%ti%e for you"1
16ood pra%ti%e for .hat51
16ood pra%ti%e in %ase you e$er ha$e to dit%h or ma'e a %rash landing" Tee9
hee9hee"1
1Ha$e you got another !ottle of !eer for me51 )ossarian as'ed morosely"
1-o you .ant to !ust it do.n on my head51
This time )ossarian did laugh" 1&i'e that .hore in that apartment in *ome51
(rr sniggered le.dly, his !ulging %ra! apple %hee's !lo.ing out.ard .ith
pleasure" 1-o you really .ant to 'no. .hy she .as hitting me o$er the head
.ith her shoe51 he teased"
1# do 'no.,1 )ossarian teased !a%'" 1,ately1s .hore told me"1
(rr grinned li'e a gargoyle" 1,o she didn1t"1
)ossarian felt sorry for (rr" (rr .as so small and ugly" ;ho .ould prote%t
him if he li$ed5 ;ho .ould prote%t a .arm9hearted, simple9minded gnome
li'e (rr from ro.dies and %li2ues and from e4pert athletes li'e +pple!y .ho
had flies in their eyes and .ould .al' right o$er him .ith s.aggering
%on%eit and self9assuran%e e$ery %han%e they got5 )ossarian .orried
fre2uently a!out (rr" ;ho .ould shield him against animosity and de%eit,
against people .ith am!ition and the em!ittered sno!!ery of the !ig shot1s
.ife, against the s2ualid, %orrupting indignities of the profit moti$e and the
friendly neigh!orhood !ut%her .ith inferior meat5 (rr .as a happy and
unsuspe%ting simpleton .ith a thi%' mass of .a$y poly%hromati% hair parted
do.n the %enter" He .ould !e mere %hild1s play for them" They .ould ta'e
his money, s%re. his .ife and sho. no 'indness to his %hildren" )ossarian
felt a flood of %ompassion s.eep o$er him"
(rr .as an e%%entri% midget, a frea'ish, li'a!le d.arf .ith a smutty mind
and a thousand $alua!le s'ills that .ould 'eep him in a lo. in%ome group
all his life" He %ould use a soldering iron and hammer t.o !oards together
so that the .ood did not split and the nails did not !end" He %ould drill
holes" He had !uilt a good deal more in the tent .hile )ossarian .as a.ay
in the hospital" He had filed or %hiseled a perfe%t %hannel in the %ement so
that the slender gasoline line .as flush .ith the floor as it ran to the sto$e
from the tan' he had !uilt outside on an ele$ated platform" He had
%onstru%ted andirons for the firepla%e out of e4%ess !om! parts and had
filled them .ith stout sil$er logs, and he had framed .ith stained .ood the
photographs of girls .ith !ig !reasts he had torn out of %heese%a'e
maga0ines and hung o$er the mantelpie%e" (rr %ould open a %an of paint"
He %ould mi4 paint, thin paint, remo$e paint" He %ould %hop .ood and
measure things .ith a ruler" He 'ne. ho. to !uild fires" He %ould dig holes,
and he had a real gift for !ringing .ater for them !oth in %ans and %anteens
from the tan's near the mess hall" He %ould engross himself in an
in%onse2uential tas' for hours .ithout gro.ing restless or !ored, as
o!li$ious to fatigue as the stump of a tree, and almost as ta%iturn" He had
an un%anny 'no.ledge of .ildlife and .as not afraid of dogs or %ats or
!eetles or moths, or of foods li'e s%rod or tripe"
)ossarian sighed drearily and !egan !rooding a!out the rumored mission
to 3ologna" The $al$e (rr .as dismantling .as a!out the si0e of a thum!
and %ontained thirty9se$en separate parts, e4%luding the %asing, many of
them so minute that (rr .as re2uired to pin%h them tightly !et.een the tips
of his fingernails as he pla%ed them %arefully on the floor in orderly,
%atalogued ro.s, ne$er 2ui%'ening his mo$ements or slo.ing them do.n,
ne$er tiring, ne$er pausing in his relentless, methodi%al, monotonous
pro%edure unless it .as to leer at )ossarian .ith mania%al mis%hief"
)ossarian tried not to .at%h him" He %ounted the parts and thought he
.ould go %lear out of his mind" He turned a.ay, shutting his eyes, !ut that
.as e$en .orse, for no. he had only the sounds, the tiny maddening,
indefatiga!le, distin%t %li%'s and rustles of hands and .eightless parts" (rr
.as !reathing rhythmi%ally .ith a noise that .as stertorous and repulsi$e"
)ossarian %len%hed his fists and loo'ed at the long !one9handled hunting
'nife hanging in a holster o$er the %ot of the dead man in the tent" +s soon
as he thought of sta!!ing (rr, his tension eased" The idea of murdering (rr
.as so ridi%ulous that he !egan to %onsider it seriously .ith 2ueer .himsy
and fas%ination" He sear%hed the nape of (rr1s ne%' for the pro!a!le site of
the medulla o!longata" Just the daintiest sti%' there .ould 'ill him and sol$e
so many serious, agoni0ing pro!lems for them !oth"
1-oes it hurt51 (rr as'ed at pre%isely that moment, as though !y prote%ti$e
instin%t"
)ossarian eyed him %losely" 1-oes .hat hurt51
1)our leg,1 said (rr .ith a strange, mysterious laugh" 1)ou still limp a little"1
1#t1s /ust a ha!it, # guess,1 said )ossarian, !reathing again .ith relief" 1#1ll
pro!a!ly get o$er it soon"1
(rr rolled o$er side.ays to the floor and %ame up on one 'nee, fa%ing
to.ard )ossarian" 1-o you remem!er,1 he dra.led refle%ti$ely, .ith an air of
la!ored re%olle%tion, 1that girl .ho .as hitting me on the head that day in
*ome51 He %hu%'led at )ossarian1s in$oluntary e4%lamation of tri%'ed
annoyan%e" 1#1ll ma'e a deal .ith you a!out that girl" #1ll tell you .hy that girl
.as hitting me on the head .ith her shoe that day if you ans.er one
2uestion"1
1;hat1s the 2uestion51
1-id you e$er s%re. ,ately1s girl51
)ossarian laughed .ith surprise" 1Me5 ,o" ,o. tell me .hy that girl hit you
.ith her shoe"1
1That .asn1t the 2uestion,1 (rr informed him .ith $i%torious delight" 1That
.as /ust %on$ersation" She a%ts li'e you s%re.ed her"1
1;ell, # didn1t" Ho. does she a%t51
1She a%ts li'e she don1t li'e you"1
1She doesn1t li'e anyone"1
1She li'es Captain 3la%',1 (rr reminded"
1That1s !e%ause he treats her li'e dirt" +nyone %an get a girl that .ay"1
1She .ears a sla$e !ra%elet on her leg .ith his name on it"1
1He ma'es her .ear it to needle ,ately"1
1She e$en gi$es him some of the money she gets from ,ately"1
1&isten, .hat do you .ant from me51
1-id you e$er s%re. my girl51
1)our girl5 ;ho the hell is your girl51
1The one .ho hit me o$er the head .ith her shoe"1
1#1$e !een .ith her a %ouple of times,1 )ossarian admitted" 1Sin%e .hen is
she your girl5 ;hat are you getting at51
1She don1t li'e you, either"1
1;hat the hell do # %are if she li'es me or not5 She li'es me as mu%h as she
li'es you"1
1-id she e$er hit you o$er the head .ith her shoe51
1(rr, #1m tired" ;hy don1t you lea$e me alone51
1Tee9hee9hee" Ho. a!out that s'inny %ountess in *ome and her s'inny
daughter9in9la.51 (rr persisted impishly .ith in%reasing 0est" 1-id you e$er
s%re. them51
1(h, ho. # .ish # %ould,1 sighed )ossarian honestly, imagining, at the mere
2uestion, the prurient, used, de%aying feel in his petting hands of their
teeny, pulpy !utto%'s and !reasts"
1They don1t li'e you either,1 %ommented (rr" 1They li'e +arfy, and they li'e
,ately, !ut they don1t li'e you" ;omen /ust don1t seem to li'e you" # thin'
they thin' you1re a !ad influen%e"1
1;omen are %ra0y,1 )ossarian ans.ered, and .aited grimly for .hat he
'ne. .as %oming ne4t"
1Ho. a!out that other girl of yours51 (rr as'ed .ith a pretense of pensi$e
%uriosity" 1The fat one5 The !ald one5 )ou 'no., that fat !ald one in Si%ily
.ith the tur!an .ho 'ept s.eating all o$er us all night long5 #s she %ra0y
too51
1-idn1t she li'e me either51
1Ho. %ould you do it to a girl .ith no hair51
1Ho. .as # supposed to 'no. she had no hair51
1# 'ne. it,1 (rr !ragged" 1# 'ne. it all the time"1
1)ou 'ne. she .as !ald51 )ossarian e4%laimed in .onder"
1,o, # 'ne. this $al$e .ouldn1t .or' if # left a part out,1 (rr ans.ered,
glo.ing .ith %ran!erry9red elation !e%ause he had /ust duped )ossarian
again" 1;ill you please hand me that small %omposition gas'et that rolled
o$er there5 #t1s right near your foot"1
1,o it isn1t"1
1*ight here,1 said (rr, and too' hold of something in$isi!le .ith the tips of
his fingernails and held it up for )ossarian to see" 1,o. #1ll ha$e to start all
o$er again"1
1#1ll 'ill you if you do" #1ll murder you right on the spot"1
1;hy don1t you e$er fly .ith me51 (rr as'ed suddenly, and loo'ed straight
into )ossarian1s fa%e for the first time" 1There, that1s the 2uestion # .ant you
to ans.er" ;hy don1t you e$er fly .ith me51
)ossarian turned a.ay .ith intense shame and em!arrassment" 1# told you
.hy" They1$e got me flying lead !om!ardier most of the time"1
1That1s not .hy,1 (rr said, sha'ing his head" 1)ou .ent to Pilt%hard and
;ren after the first +$ignon mission and told them you didn1t e$er .ant to
fly .ith me" That1s .hy, isn1t it51
)ossarian felt his s'in turn hot" 1,o # didn1t,1 he lied"
1)es you did,1 (rr insisted e2ua!ly" 1)ou as'ed them not to assign you to
any plane piloted !y me, -o!!s or Huple !e%ause you didn1t ha$e
%onfiden%e in us at the %ontrols" +nd Pilt%hard and ;ren said they %ouldn1t
ma'e an e4%eption of you !e%ause it .ouldn1t !e fair to the men .ho did
ha$e to fly .ith us"1
1So51 said )ossarian" 1#t didn1t ma'e any differen%e then, did it51
13ut they1$e ne$er made you fly .ith me"1 (rr, .or'ing on !oth 'nees again,
.as addressing )ossarian .ithout !itterness or reproa%h, !ut .ith in/ured
humility, .hi%h .as infinitely more painful to o!ser$e, although he .as still
grinning and sni%'ering, as though the situation .ere %omi%" 1)ou really
ought to fly .ith me, you 'no." #1m a pretty good pilot, and #1d ta'e %are of
you" # may get 'no%'ed do.n a lot, !ut that1s not my fault, and no!ody1s
e$er !een hurt in my plane" )es, sir = if you had any !rains, you 'no.
.hat you1d do5 )ou1d go right to Pilt%hard and ;ren and tell them you .ant
to fly all your missions .ith me"1
)ossarian leaned for.ard and peered %losely into (rr1s ins%ruta!le mas' of
%ontradi%tory emotions" 1+re you trying to tell me something51
1Tee9hee9hee9hee,1 (rr responded" 1#1m trying to tell you .hy that !ig girl
.ith the shoe .as hitting me on the head that day" 3ut you /ust .on1t let
me"1
1Tell me"1
1;ill you fly .ith me51
)ossarian laughed and shoo' his head" 1)ou1ll only get 'no%'ed do.n into
the .ater again"1
(rr did get 'no%'ed do.n into the .ater again .hen the rumored mission to
3ologna .as flo.n, and he landed his single9engine plane .ith a smashing
/ar on the %hoppy, .inds.ept .a$es tossing and falling !elo. the .arli'e
!la%' thunder%louds mo!ili0ing o$erhead" He .as late getting out of the
plane and ended up alone in a raft that !egan drifting a.ay from the men in
the other raft and .as out of sight !y the time the +ir9Sea *es%ue laun%h
%ame plo.ing up through the .ind and splattering raindrops to ta'e them
a!oard" ,ight .as already falling !y the time they .ere returned to the
s2uadron" There .as no .ord of (rr"
1-on1t .orry,1 reassured >id Sampson, still .rapped in the hea$y !lan'ets
and rain%oat in .hi%h he had !een s.addled on the !oat !y his res%uers"
1He1s pro!a!ly !een pi%'ed up already if he didn1t dro.n in that storm" #t
didn1t last long" # !et he1ll sho. up any minute"1
)ossarian .al'ed !a%' to his tent to .ait for (rr to sho. up any minute and
lit a fire to ma'e things .arm for him" The sto$e .or'ed perfe%tly, .ith a
strong, ro!ust !la0e that %ould !e raised or lo.ered !y turning the tap (rr
had finally finished repairing" + light rain .as falling, drumming softly on the
tent, the trees, the ground" )ossarian %oo'ed a %an of hot soup to ha$e
ready for (rr and ate it all himself as the time passed" He hard9!oiled some
eggs for (rr and ate those too" Then he ate a .hole tin of Cheddar %heese
from a pa%'age of > rations"
a%h time he %aught himself .orrying he made himself remem!er that (rr
%ould do e$erything and !ro'e into silent laughter at the pi%ture of (rr in the
raft as Sergeant >night had des%ri!ed him, !ent for.ard .ith a !usy,
preo%%upied smile o$er the map and %ompass in his lap, stuffing one
soa'ing9.et %ho%olate !ar after another into his grinning, tittering mouth as
he paddled a.ay dutifully through the lightning, thunder and rain .ith the
!right9!lue useless toy oar, the fishing line .ith dried !ait trailing out !ehind
him" )ossarian really had no dou!t a!out (rr1s a!ility to sur$i$e" #f fish %ould
!e %aught .ith that silly fishing line, (rr .ould %at%h them, and if it .as
%odfish he .as after, then (rr .ould %at%h a %odfish, e$en though no
%odfish had e$er !een %aught in those .aters !efore" )ossarian put another
%an of soup up to %oo' and ate that too .hen it .as hot" $ery time a %ar
door slammed, he !ro'e into a hopeful smile and turned e4pe%tantly to.ard
the entran%e, listening for footsteps" He 'ne. that any moment (rr .ould
%ome .al'ing into the tent .ith !ig, glistening, rain9soa'ed eyes, %hee's
and !u%' teeth, loo'ing ludi%rously li'e a /olly ,e. ngland oysterman in a
yello. oils'in rain hat and sli%'er numerous si0es too large for him and
holding up proudly for )ossarian1s amusement a great dead %odfish he had
%aught" 3ut he didn1t"
%eckem
There .as no .ord a!out (rr the ne4t day, and Sergeant ;hit%om!, .ith
%ommenda!le dispat%h and %onsidera!le hope, dropped a reminder in his
ti%'ler file to send a form letter o$er Colonel Cath%art1s signature to (rr1s
ne4t of 'in .hen nine more days had elapsed" There .as .ord from
6eneral Pe%'em1s head2uarters, though, and )ossarian .as dra.n to the
%ro.d of offi%ers and enlisted men in shorts and !athing trun's !u00ing in
grumpy %onfusion around the !ulletin !oard /ust outside the orderly room"
1;hat1s so different a!out this Sunday, # .ant to 'no.51 Hungry Joe .as
demanding $o%iferously of Chief ;hite Halfoat" 1;hy .on1t .e ha$e a
parade this Sunday .hen .e don1t ha$e a parade e$ery Sunday5 Huh51
)ossarian .or'ed his .ay through to the front and let out a long, agoni0ed
groan .hen he read the terse announ%ement there@
-ue to %ir%umstan%es !eyond my %ontrol, there .ill !e no !ig parade this
Sunday afternoon"
Colonel S%heiss'opf
-o!!s .as right" They .ere indeed sending e$eryone o$erseas, e$en
&ieutenant S%heiss'opf, .ho had resisted the mo$e .ith all the $igor and
.isdom at his %ommand and .ho reported for duty at 6eneral Pe%'em1s
offi%e in a mood of gra$e dis%ontent"
6eneral Pe%'em .el%omed Colonel S%heiss'opf .ith effusi$e %harm and
said he .as delighted to ha$e him" +n additional %olonel on his staff meant
that he %ould no. !egin agitating for t.o additional ma/ors, four additional
%aptains, si4teen additional lieutenants and untold 2uantities of additional
enlisted men, type.riters, des's, filing %a!inets, automo!iles and other
su!stantial e2uipment and supplies that .ould %ontri!ute to the prestige of
his position and in%rease his stri'ing po.er in the .ar he had de%lared
against 6eneral -reedle" He no. had t.o full %olonelsA 6eneral -reedle
had only fi$e, and four of those .ere %om!at %ommanders" ;ith almost no
intriguing at all, 6eneral Pe%'em had e4e%uted a maneu$er that .ould
e$entually dou!le his strength" +nd 6eneral -reedle .as getting drun'
more often" The future loo'ed .onderful, and 6eneral Pe%'em
%ontemplated his !right ne. %olonel en%hantedly .ith an effulgent smile"
#n all matters of %onse2uen%e, 6eneral P" P" Pe%'em .as, as he al.ays
remar'ed .hen he .as a!out to %riti%i0e the .or' of some %lose asso%iate
pu!li%ly, a realist" He .as a handsome, pin'9s'inned man of fifty9three" His
manner .as al.ays %asual and rela4ed, and his uniforms .ere %ustom9
made" He had sil$er9gray hair, slightly myopi% eyes and thin, o$erhanging,
sensual lips" He .as a per%epti$e, gra%eful, sophisti%ated man .ho .as
sensiti$e to e$eryone1s .ea'nesses !ut his o.n and found e$eryone
a!surd !ut himself" 6eneral Pe%'em laid great, fastidious stress on small
matters of taste and style" He .as al.ays augmenting things" +pproa%hing
e$ents .ere ne$er coming, !ut al.ays upcoming. #t .as not true that he
.rote memorandums praising himself and re%ommending that his authority
!e enhanced to in%lude all %om!at operationsA he .rote memoranda. +nd
the prose in the memoranda of other offi%ers .as al.ays turgid,
stilted, or ambiguous. The errors of others .ere
ine$ita!ly deplorable. *egulations .ere stringent, and his data
ne$er #as o!tained from a relia!le sour%e, !ut al.ays #ere o!tained"
6eneral Pe%'em .as fre2uentlyconstrained. Things .ere
often incumbent upon him, and he fre2uently a%ted .ith greatest
reluctance. #t ne$er es%aped his memory that neither !la%' nor .hite .as a
%olor, and he ne$er used verbal .hen he meant oral. He %ould 2uote gli!ly
from Plato, ,iet0s%he, Montaigne, Theodore *oose$elt, the Mar2uis de
Sade and ;arren 6" Harding" + $irgin audien%e li'e Colonel S%heiss'opf
.as grist for 6eneral Pe%'em1s mill, a stimulating opportunity to thro. open
his .hole da00ling erudite treasure house of puns, .ise%ra%'s, slanders,
homilies, ane%dotes, pro$er!s, epigrams, apophthegms, !on mots and
other pungent sayings" He !eamed ur!anely as he !egan orienting Colonel
S%heiss'opf to his ne. surroundings"
1My only fault,1 he o!ser$ed .ith pra%ti%ed good humor, .at%hing for the
effe%t of his .ords, 1is that # ha$e no faults"1
Colonel S%heiss'opf didn1t laugh, and 6eneral Pe%'em .as stunned" +
hea$y dou!t %rushed his enthusiasm" He had /ust opened .ith one of his
most trusted parado4es, and he .as positi$ely alarmed that not the
slightest fli%'er of a%'no.ledgment had mo$ed a%ross that imper$ious fa%e,
.hi%h !egan to remind him suddenly, in hue and te4ture, of an unused soap
eraser" Perhaps Colonel S%heiss'opf .as tired, 6eneral Pe%'em granted to
himself %harita!lyA he had %ome a long .ay, and e$erything .as unfamiliar"
6eneral Pe%'em1s attitude to.ard all the personnel in his %ommand,
offi%ers and enlisted men, .as mar'ed !y the same easy spirit of toleran%e
and permissi$eness" He mentioned often that if the people .ho .or'ed for
him met him half.ay, he .ould meet them more than half.ay, .ith the
result, as he al.ays added .ith an astute %hu%'le, that there .as ne$er any
meeting of the minds at all" 6eneral Pe%'em thought of himself as aestheti%
and intelle%tual" ;hen people disagreed .ith him, he urged them to
!e ob2ective.
+nd it .as indeed an o!/e%ti$e Pe%'em .ho ga0ed at Colonel S%heiss'opf
en%ouragingly and resumed his indo%trination .ith an attitude of
magnanimous forgi$eness" 1)ou1$e %ome to us /ust in time, S%heiss'opf"
The summer offensi$e has petered out, than's to the in%ompetent
leadership .ith .hi%h .e supply our troops, and # ha$e a %rying need for a
tough, e4perien%ed, %ompetent offi%er li'e you to help produ%e the
memoranda upon .hi%h .e rely so hea$ily to let people 'no. ho. good .e
are and ho. mu%h .or' .e1re turning out" # hope you are a prolifi% .riter"1
1# don1t 'no. anything a!out .riting,1 Colonel S%heiss'opf retorted sullenly"
1;ell, don1t let that trou!le you,1 6eneral Pe%'em %ontinued .ith a %areless
fli%' of his .rist" 1Just pass the .or' # assign you along to some!ody else
and trust to lu%'" ;e %all that delegation of responsi!ility" Some.here do.n
near the lo.est le$el of this %o9ordinated organi0ation # run are people .ho
do get the .or' done .hen it rea%hes them, and e$erything manages to run
along smoothly .ithout too mu%h effort on my part" # suppose that1s
!e%ause # am a good e4e%uti$e" ,othing .e do in this large department of
ours is really $ery important, and there1s ne$er any rush" (n the other hand,
it is important that .e let people 'no. .e do a great deal of it" &et me 'no.
if you find yourself shorthanded" #1$e already put in a re2uisition for t.o
ma/ors, four %aptains and si4teen lieutenants to gi$e you a hand" ;hile
none of the .or' .e do is $ery important, it is important that .e do a great
deal of it" -on1t you agree51
1;hat a!out the parades51 Colonel S%heiss'opf !ro'e in"
1;hat parades51 in2uired 6eneral Pe%'em .ith a feeling that his polish /ust
.asn1t getting a%ross"
1;on1t # !e a!le to %ondu%t parades e$ery Sunday afternoon51 Colonel
S%heiss'opf demanded petulantly"
1,o" (f %ourse not" ;hat e$er ga$e you that idea51
13ut they said # %ould"1
1;ho said you %ould51
1The offi%ers .ho sent me o$erseas" They told me #1d !e a!le to mar%h the
men around in parades all # .anted to"1
1They lied to you"1
1That .asn1t fair, sir"1
1#1m sorry, S%heiss'opf" #1m .illing to do e$erything # %an to ma'e you happy
here, !ut parades are out of the 2uestion" ;e don1t ha$e enough men in
our o.n organi0ation to ma'e up mu%h of a parade, and the %om!at units
.ould rise up in open re!ellion if .e tried to ma'e them mar%h" #1m afraid
you1ll /ust ha$e to hold !a%' a.hile until .e get %ontrol" Then you %an do
.hat you .ant .ith the men"1
1;hat a!out my .ife51 Colonel S%heiss'opf demanded .ith disgruntled
suspi%ion" 1#1ll still !e a!le to send for her, .on1t #51
1)our .ife5 ;hy in the .orld should you .ant to51
1+ hus!and and .ife should !e together"1
1That1s out of the 2uestion also"1
13ut they said # %ould send for herB1
1They lied to you again"1
1They had no right to lie to meB1 Colonel S%heiss'opf protested, his eyes
.etting .ith indignation"
1(f %ourse they had a right,1 6eneral Pe%'em snapped .ith %old and
%al%ulated se$erity, resol$ing right then and there to test the mettle of his
ne. %olonel under fire" 1-on1t !e su%h an ass, S%heiss'opf" People ha$e a
right to do anything that1s not for!idden !y la., and there1s no la. against
lying to you" ,o., don1t e$er .aste my time .ith su%h sentimental platitudes
again" -o you hear51
1)es, sir,1 murmured Colonel S%heiss'opf
Colonel S%heiss'opf .ilted patheti%ally, and 6eneral Pe%'em !lessed the
fates that had sent him a .ea'ling for a su!ordinate" + man of spun' .ould
ha$e !een unthin'a!le" Ha$ing .on, 6eneral Pe%'em relented" He did not
en/oy humiliating his men" 1#f your .ife .ere a ;a%, # %ould pro!a!ly ha$e
her transferred here" 3ut that1s the most # %an do"1
1She has a friend .ho1s a ;a%,1 Colonel S%heiss'opf offered hopefully"
1#1m afraid that isn1t good enough" Ha$e Mrs" S%heiss'opf /oin the ;a%s if
she .ants to, and #1ll !ring her o$er here" 3ut in the meantime, my dear
Colonel, let1s get !a%' to our little .ar, if .e may" Here, !riefly, is the
military situation that %onfronts us"1 6eneral Pe%'em rose and mo$ed
to.ard a rotary ra%' of enormous %olored maps"
Colonel S%heiss'opf !lan%hed" 1;e1re not going into %om!at, are .e51 he
!lurted out in horror"
1(h, no, of %ourse not,1 6eneral Pe%'em assured him indulgently, .ith a
%ompaniona!le laugh" 1Please gi$e me some %redit, .on1t you5 That1s .hy
.e1re still do.n here in *ome" Certainly, #1d li'e to !e up in 7loren%e, too,
.here # %ould 'eep in %loser tou%h .ith e49P"7"C" ;intergreen" 3ut
7loren%e is still a !it too near the a%tual fighting to suit me"1 6eneral
Pe%'em lifted a .ooden pointer and s.ept the ru!!er tip %heerfully a%ross
#taly from one %oast to the other" 1These, S%heiss'opf, are the 6ermans"
They1re dug into these mountains $ery solidly in the 6othi% &ine and .on1t
!e pushed out till late ne4t spring, although that isn1t going to stop those
%lods .e ha$e in %harge from trying" That gi$es us in Spe%ial Ser$i%es
almost nine months to a%hie$e our o!/e%ti$e" +nd that o!/e%ti$e is to
%apture e$ery !om!er group in the :"S" +ir 7or%e" +fter all,1 said 6eneral
Pe%'em .ith his lo., .ell9modulated %hu%'le, 1if dropping !om!s on the
enemy isn1t a spe%ial ser$i%e, # .onder .hat in the .orld is" -on1t you
agree51 Colonel S%heiss'opf ga$e no indi%ation that he did agree, !ut
6eneral Pe%'em .as already too entran%ed .ith his o.n lo2ua%ity to
noti%e" 1(ur position right no. is e4%ellent" *einfor%ements li'e yourself
'eep arri$ing, and .e ha$e more than enough time to plan our entire
strategy %arefully" (ur immediate goal,1 he said, 1is right here"1 +nd 6eneral
Pe%'em s.ung his pointer south to the island of Pianosa and tapped it
signifi%antly upon a large .ord that had !een lettered on there .ith !la%'
grease pen%il" The .ord .as -*-&"
Colonel S%heiss'opf, s2uinting, mo$ed $ery %lose to the map, and for the
first time sin%e he entered the room a light of %omprehension shed a dim
glo. o$er his stolid fa%e" 1# thin' # understand,1 he e4%laimed" 1)es, # 'no. #
understand" (ur first /o! is to %apture -reedle a.ay from the enemy"
*ight51
6eneral Pe%'em laughed !enignly" 1,o, S%heiss'opf" -reedle1s on our side,
and -reedle is the enemy" 6eneral -reedle %ommands four !om! groups
that .e simply must %apture in order to %ontinue our offensi$e" Con2uering
6eneral -reedle .ill gi$e us the air%raft and $ital !ases .e need to %arry
our operations into other areas" +nd that !attle, !y the .ay, is /ust a!out
.on"1 6eneral Pe%'em drifted to.ard the .indo., laughing 2uietly again,
and settled !a%' against the sill .ith his arms folded, greatly satisfied !y his
o.n .it and !y his 'no.ledgea!le, !lase impuden%e" The s'illed %hoi%e of
.ords he .as e4er%ising .as e42uisitely titillating" 6eneral Pe%'em li'ed
listening to himself tal', li'e most of all listening to himself tal' a!out
himself" 16eneral -reedle simply doesn1t 'no. ho. to %ope .ith me,1 he
gloated" 1# 'eep in$ading his /urisdi%tion .ith %omments and %riti%isms that
are really none of my !usiness, and he doesn1t 'no. .hat to do a!out it"
;hen he a%%uses me of see'ing to undermine him, # merely ans.er that
my only purpose in %alling attention to his errors is to strengthen our .ar
effort !y eliminating ineffi%ien%y" Then # as' him inno%ently if he1s opposed
to impro$ing our .ar effort" (h, he grum!les and he !ristles and he !ello.s,
!ut he1s really 2uite helpless" He1s simply out of style" He1s turning into 2uite
a souse, you 'no." The poor !lo%'head shouldn1t e$en !e a general" He
has no tone, no tone at all" Than' 6od he isn1t going to last"1 6eneral
Pe%'em %hu%'led .ith /aunty relish and sailed smoothly along to.ard a
fa$orite learned allusion" 1# sometimes thin' of myself as 7ortin!ras = ha,
ha = in the play Hamlet !y ;illiam Sha'espeare, .ho /ust 'eeps %ir%ling
and %ir%ling around the a%tion until e$erything else falls apart, and then
strolls in at the end to pi%' up all the pie%es for himself" Sha'espeare is =1
1# don1t 'no. anything a!out plays,1 Colonel S%heiss'opf !ro'e in !luntly"
6eneral Pe%'em loo'ed at him .ith ama0ement" ,e$er !efore had a
referen%e of his to Sha'espeare1s hallo.ed Hamlet !een ignored and
trampled upon .ith su%h rude indifferen%e" He !egan to .onder .ith
genuine %on%ern /ust .hat sort of shithead the Pentagon had foisted on
him" 1;hat do you 'no. a!out51 he as'ed a%idly"
1Parades,1 ans.ered Colonel S%heiss'opf eagerly" 1;ill # !e a!le to send out
memos a!out parades51
1+s long as you don1t s%hedule any"1 6eneral Pe%'em returned to his %hair
still .earing a fro.n" 1+nd as long as they don1t interfere .ith your main
assignment of re%ommending that the authority of Spe%ial Ser$i%es !e
e4panded to in%lude %om!at a%ti$ities"1
1Can # s%hedule parades and then %all them off51
6eneral Pe%'em !rightened instantly" 1;hy, that1s a .onderful ideaB 3ut /ust
send out .ee'ly announ%ements postponing the parades" -on1t e$en
!other to s%hedule them" That .ould !e infinitely more dis%on%erting"1
6eneral Pe%'em .as !lossoming spryly .ith %ordiality again" 1)es,
S%heiss'opf,1 he said, 1# thin' you1$e really hit on something" +fter all, .hat
%om!at %ommander %ould possi!ly 2uarrel .ith us for notifying his men that
there .on1t !e a parade that %oming Sunday5 ;e1d !e merely stating a
.idely 'no.n fa%t" 3ut the impli%ation is !eautiful" )es, positi$ely !eautiful"
;e1re implying that .e could s%hedule a parade if .e %hose to" #1m going to
li'e you, S%heiss'opf" Stop in and introdu%e yourself to Colonel Cargill and
tell him .hat you1re up to" # 'no. you t.o .ill li'e ea%h other"1
Colonel Cargill %ame storming into 6eneral Pe%'em1s offi%e a minute later
in a furor of timid resentment" 1#1$e !een here longer than S%heiss'opf,1 he
%omplained" 1;hy %an1t # !e the one to %all off the parades51
13e%ause S%heiss'opf has e4perien%e .ith parades, and you ha$en1t" )ou
%an %all off :"S"(" sho.s if you .ant to" #n fa%t .hy don1t you5 Just thin' of
all the pla%es that .on1t !e getting a :"S"(" sho. on any gi$en day" Thin'
of all the pla%es ea%h !ig9name entertainer .on1t !e $isiting" )es, Cargill, #
thin' you1$e hit on something" # thin' you1$e /ust thro.n open a .hole ne.
area of operation for us" Tell Colonel S%heiss'opf # .ant him to .or' along
under your super$ision on this" +nd send him in to see me .hen you1re
through gi$ing him instru%tions"1
1Colonel Cargill says you told him you .ant me to .or' along under his
super$ision on the :"S"(" pro/e%t,1 Colonel S%heiss'opf %omplained"
1# told him no su%h thing,1 ans.ered 6eneral Pe%'em" 1Confidentially,
S%heiss'opf, #1m not too happy .ith Colonel Cargill" He1s !ossy and he1s
slo." #1d li'e you to 'eep a %lose eye on .hat he1s doing and see if you %an1t
get a little more .or' out of him"1
1He 'eeps !utting in,1 Colonel Cargill protested" 1He .on1t let me get any
.or' done"1
1There1s something $ery funny a!out S%heiss'opf,1 6eneral Pe%'em agreed
refle%ti$ely" 1>eep a $ery %lose eye on him and see if you %an1t find out .hat
he1s up to"1
1,o. he1s !utting into my !usinessB1 Colonel S%heiss'opf %ried"
1-on1t let it .orry you, S%heiss'opf,1 said 6eneral Pe%'em, %ongratulating
himself on ho. adeptly he had fit Colonel S%heiss'opf into his standard
method of operation" +lready his t.o %olonels .ere !arely on spea'ing
terms" 1Colonel Cargill en$ies you !e%ause of the splendid /o! you1re doing
on parades" He1s afraid #1m going to put you in %harge of !om! patterns"1
Colonel S%heiss'opf .as all ears" 1;hat are !om! patterns51
13om! patterns51 6eneral Pe%'em repeated, t.in'ling .ith self9satisfied
good humor" 1+ bomb pattern is a term # dreamed up /ust se$eral .ee's
ago" #t means nothing, !ut you1d !e surprised at ho. rapidly it1s %aught on"
;hy, #1$e got all sorts of people %on$in%ed # thin' it1s important for the
!om!s to e4plode %lose together and ma'e a neat aerial photograph"
There1s one %olonel in Pianosa .ho1s hardly %on%erned any more .ith
.hether he hits the target or not" &et1s fly o$er and ha$e some fun .ith him
today" #t .ill ma'e Colonel Cargill /ealous, and # learned from ;intergreen
this morning that 6eneral -reedle .ill !e off in Sardinia" #t dri$es 6eneral
-reedle insane to find out #1$e !een inspe%ting one of his installations .hile
he1s !een off inspe%ting another" ;e may e$en get there in time for the
!riefing" They1ll !e !om!ing a tiny undefended $illage, redu%ing the .hole
%ommunity to ru!!le" # ha$e it from ;intergreen = ;intergreen1s an e49
sergeant no., !y the .ay = that the mission is entirely unne%essary" #ts
only purpose is to delay 6erman reinfor%ements at a time .hen .e aren1t
e$en planning an offensi$e" 3ut that1s the .ay things go .hen you ele$ate
medio%re people to positions of authority"1 He gestured languidly to.ard his
giganti% map of #taly" 1;hy, this tiny mountain $illage is so insignifi%ant that
it isn1t e$en there"1
They arri$ed at Colonel Cath%art1s group too late to attend the preliminary
!riefing and hear Ma/or -an!y insist, 13ut it is there, # tell you" #t1s there, it1s
there"1
1#t1s .here51 -un!ar demanded defiantly, pretending not to see"
1#t1s right there on the map .here this road ma'es this slight turn" Can1t you
see this slight turn on your map51
1,o, # %an1t see it"1
1# %an see it,1 $olunteered Ha$ermeyer, and mar'ed the spot on -un!ar1s
map" 1+nd here1s a good pi%ture of the $illage right on these photographs" #
understand the .hole thing" The purpose of the mission is to 'no%' the
.hole $illage sliding do.n the side of the mountain and %reate a road!lo%'
that the 6ermans .ill ha$e to %lear" #s that right51
1That1s right,1 said Ma/or -an!y, mopping his perspiring forehead .ith his
hand'er%hief" 1#1m glad some!ody here is !eginning to understand" These
t.o armored di$isions .ill !e %oming do.n from +ustria into #taly along this
road" The $illage is !uilt on su%h a steep in%line that all the ru!!le from the
houses and other !uildings you destroy .ill %ertainly tum!le right do.n and
pile upon the road"1
1;hat the hell differen%e .ill it ma'e51 -un!ar .anted to 'no., as
)ossarian .at%hed him e4%itedly .ith a mi4ture of a.e and adulation" 1#t .ill
only ta'e them a %ouple of days to %lear it"1
Ma/or -an!y .as trying to a$oid an argument" 1;ell, it apparently ma'es
some differen%e to Head2uarters,1 he ans.ered in a %on%iliatory tone" 1#
suppose that1s .hy they ordered the mission"1
1Ha$e the people in the $illage !een .arned51 as'ed M%;att"
Ma/or -an!y .as dismayed that M%;att too .as registering opposition"
1,o, # don1t thin' so"1
1Ha$en1t .e dropped any leaflets telling them that this time .e1ll !e flying
o$er to hit them51 as'ed )ossarian" 1Can1t .e e$en tip them off so they1ll get
out of the .ay51
1,o, # don1t thin' so"1 Ma/or -an!y .as s.earing some more and still shifting
his eyes a!out uneasily" 1The 6ermans might find out and %hoose another
road" #1m not sure a!out any of this" #1m /ust ma'ing assumptions"1
1They .on1t e$en ta'e shelter,1 -un!ar argued !itterly" 1They1ll pour out into
the streets to .a$e .hen they see our planes %oming, all the %hildren and
dogs and old people" Jesus ChristB ;hy %an1t .e lea$e them alone51
1;hy %an1t .e %reate the road!lo%' some.here else51 as'ed M%;att" 1;hy
must it !e there51
1# don1t 'no.,1 Ma/or -an!y ans.ered unhappily" 1# don1t 'no." &oo',
fello.s, .e1$e got to ha$e some %onfiden%e in the people a!o$e us .ho
issue our orders" They 'no. .hat they1re doing"1
1The hell they do,1 said -un!ar"
1;hat1s the trou!le51 in2uired Colonel >orn, mo$ing leisurely a%ross the
!riefing room .ith his hands in his po%'ets and his tan shirt !aggy"
1(h, no trou!le, Colonel,1 said Ma/or -an!y, trying ner$ously to %o$er up"
1;e1re /ust dis%ussing the mission"1
1They don1t .ant to !om! the $illage,1 Ha$ermeyer sni%'ered, gi$ing Ma/or
-an!y a.ay"
1)ou pri%'B1 )ossarian said to Ha$ermeyer"
1)ou lea$e Ha$ermeyer alone,1 Colonel >orn ordered )ossarian %urtly" He
re%ogni0ed )ossarian as the drun' .ho had a%%osted him roughly at the
offi%ers1 %lu! one night !efore the first mission to 3ologna, and he s.ung
his displeasure prudently to -un!ar" 1;hy don1t you .ant to !om! the
$illage51
1#t1s %ruel, that1s .hy"1
1Cruel51 as'ed Colonel >orn .ith %old good humor, frightened only
momentarily !y the uninhi!ited $ehemen%e of -un!ar1s hostility" 1;ould it
!e any less %ruel to let those t.o 6erman di$isions do.n to fight .ith our
troops5 +meri%an li$es are at sta'e, too, you 'no." ;ould you rather see
+meri%an !lood spilled51
1+meri%an !lood is !eing spilled" 3ut those people are li$ing up there in
pea%e" ;hy %an1t .e lea$e them the hell alone51
1)es, it1s easy for you to tal',1 Colonel >orn /eered" 1)ou1re safe here in
Pianosa" #t .on1t ma'e any differen%e to you .hen these 6erman
reinfor%ements arri$e, .ill it51
-un!ar turned %rimson .ith em!arrassment and replied in a $oi%e that .as
suddenly defensi$e" 1;hy %an1t .e %reate the road!lo%' some.here else5
Couldn1t .e !om! the slope of a mountain or the road itself51
1;ould you rather go !a%' to 3ologna51 The 2uestion, as'ed 2uietly, rang
out li'e a shot and %reated a silen%e in the room that .as a.'.ard and
mena%ing" )ossarian prayed intensely, .ith shame, that -un!ar .ould
'eep his mouth shut" -un!ar dropped his ga0e, and Colonel >orn 'ne. he
had .on" 1,o, # thought not,1 he %ontinued .ith undisguised s%orn" 1)ou
'no., Colonel Cath%art and # ha$e to go to a lot of trou!le to get you a mil'
run li'e this" #f you1d sooner fly missions to 3ologna, Spe0ia and 7errara, .e
%an get those targets .ith no trou!le at all"1 His eyes gleamed dangerously
!ehind his rimless glasses, and his muddy /o.ls .ere s2uare and hard"
1Just let me 'no."1
1# .ould,1 responded Ha$ermeyer eagerly .ith another !oastful sni%'er" 1#
li'e to fly into 3ologna straight and le$el .ith my head in the !om!sight and
listen to all that fla' pumping a.ay all around me" # get a !ig 'i%' out of the
.ay the men %ome %harging o$er to me after the mission and %all me dirty
names" $en the enlisted men get sore enough to %urse me and .ant to
ta'e so%'s at me"1
Colonel >orn %hu%'ed Ha$ermeyer under the %hin /o$ially, ignoring him,
and then addressed himself to -un!ar and )ossarian in a dry monotone"
1)ou1$e got my sa%red .ord for it" ,o!ody is more distressed a!out those
lousy .ops up in the hills than Colonel Cath%art and myself" Mais c'est la
guerre. Try to remem!er that .e didn1t start the .ar and #taly did" That .e
.eren1t the aggressors and #taly .as" +nd that .e %ouldn1t possi!ly infli%t as
mu%h %ruelty on the #talians, 6ermans, *ussians and Chinese as they1re
already infli%ting on themsel$es"1 Colonel >orn ga$e Ma/or -an!y1s
shoulder a friendly s2uee0e .ithout %hanging his unfriendly e4pression"
1Carry on .ith the !riefing, -an!y" +nd ma'e sure they understand the
importan%e of a tight !om! pattern"1
1(h, no, Colonel,1 Ma/or -an!y !lurted out, !lin'ing up.ard" 1,ot for this
target" #1$e told them to spa%e their !om!s si4ty feet apart so that .e1ll ha$e
a road!lo%' the full length of the $illage instead of in /ust one spot" #t .ill !e
a mu%h more effe%ti$e road!lo%' .ith a loose !om! pattern"1
1;e don1t %are a!out the road!lo%',1 Colonel >orn informed him" 1Colonel
Cath%art .ants to %ome out of this mission .ith a good %lean aerial
photograph he .on1t !e ashamed to send through %hannels" -on1t forget
that 6eneral Pe%'em .ill !e here for the full !riefing, and you 'no. ho. he
feels a!out !om! patterns" #n%identally, Ma/or, you1d !etter hurry up .ith
these details and %lear out !efore he gets here" 6eneral Pe%'em %an1t
stand you"1
1(h, no, Colonel,1 Ma/or -an!y %orre%ted o!ligingly" 1#t1s 6eneral -reedle
.ho %an1t stand me"1
16eneral Pe%'em %an1t stand you either" #n fa%t, no one %an stand you"
7inish .hat you1re doing, -an!y, and disappear" #1ll %ondu%t the !riefing"1
1;here1s Ma/or -an!y51 Colonel Cath%art in2uired, after he had dri$en up
for the full !riefing .ith 6eneral Pe%'em and Colonel S%heiss'opf"
1He as'ed permission to lea$e as soon as he sa. you dri$ing up,1 ans.ered
Colonel >orn" 1He1s afraid 6eneral Pe%'em doesn1t li'e him" # .as going to
%ondu%t the !riefing any.ay" # do a mu%h !etter /o!"1
1SplendidB1 said Colonel Cath%art" 1,oB1 Colonel Cath%art %ountermanded
himself an instant later .hen he remem!ered ho. good a /o! Colonel >orn
had done !efore 6eneral -reedle at the first +$ignon !riefing" 1#1ll do it
myself"1
Colonel Cath%art !ra%ed himself .ith the 'no.ledge that he .as one of
6eneral Pe%'em1s fa$orites and too' %harge of the meeting, snapping his
.ords out %risply to the attenti$e audien%e of su!ordinate offi%ers .ith the
!luff and dispassionate toughness he had pi%'ed up from 6eneral -reedle"
He 'ne. he %ut a fine figure there on the platform .ith his open shirt %ollar,
his %igarette holder, and his %lose9%ropped, gray9tipped %urly !la%' hair" He
!ree0ed along !eautifully, e$en emulating %ertain %hara%teristi%
mispronun%iations of 6eneral -reedle1s, and he .as not the least !it
intimidated !y 6eneral Pe%'em1s ne. %olonel until he suddenly re%alled
that 6eneral Pe%'em detested 6eneral -reedle" Then his $oi%e %ra%'ed,
and all %onfiden%e left him" He stum!led ahead through instin%t in !urning
humiliation" He .as suddenly in terror of Colonel S%heiss'opf" +nother
%olonel in the area meant another ri$al, another enemy, another person
.ho hated him" +nd this one .as toughB + horrifying thought o%%urred to
Colonel Cath%art@ Suppose Colonel S%heiss'opf had already !ri!ed all the
men in the room to !egin moaning, as they had done at the first +$ignon
mission" Ho. %ould he silen%e them5 ;hat a terri!le !la%' eye that .ould
!eB Colonel Cath%art .as sei0ed .ith su%h fright that he almost !e%'oned to
Colonel >orn" Someho. he held himself together and syn%hroni0ed the
.at%hes" ;hen he had done that, he 'ne. he had .on, for he %ould end
no. at any time" He had %ome through in a %risis" He .anted to laugh in
Colonel S%heiss'opf1s fa%e .ith triumph and spite" He had pro$ed himself
!rilliantly under pressure, and he %on%luded the !riefing .ith an inspiring
peroration that e$ery instin%t told him .as a masterful e4hi!ition of elo2uent
ta%t and su!tlety"
1,o., men,1 he e4horted" 1;e ha$e .ith us today a $ery distinguished
guest, 6eneral Pe%'em from Spe%ial Ser$i%es, the man .ho gi$es us all
our soft!all !ats, %omi% !oo's and :"S"(" sho.s" # .ant to dedi%ate this
mission to him" 6o on out there and !om! = for me, for your %ountry, for
6od, and for that great +meri%an, 6eneral P" P" Pe%'em" +nd let1s see you
put all those !om!s on a dimeB1
"un)ar
)ossarian no longer ga$e a damn .here his !om!s fell, although he did not
go as far as -un!ar, .ho dropped his !om!s hundreds of yards past the
$illage and .ould fa%e a %ourt9martial if it %ould e$er !e sho.n he had done
it deli!erately" ;ithout a .ord e$en to )ossarian, -un!ar had .ashed his
hands of the mission" The fall in the hospital had either sho.n him the light
or s%ram!led his !rainsA it .as impossi!le to say .hi%h"
-un!ar seldom laughed any more and seemed to !e .asting a.ay" He
snarled !elligerently at superior offi%ers, e$en at Ma/or -an!y, and .as
%rude and surly and profane e$en in front of the %haplain, .ho .as afraid of
-un!ar no. and seemed to !e .asting a.ay also" The %haplain1s
pilgrimage to ;intergreen had pro$ed a!orti$eA another shrine .as empty"
;intergreen .as too !usy to see the %haplain himself" + !rash assistant
!rought the %haplain a stolen Dippo %igarette lighter as a gift and informed
him %ondes%endingly that ;intergreen .as too deeply in$ol$ed .ith
.artime a%ti$ities to %on%ern himself .ith matters so tri$ial as the num!er of
missions men had to fly" The %haplain .orried a!out -un!ar and !rooded
more o$er )ossarian no. that (rr .as gone" To the %haplain, .ho li$ed !y
himself in a spa%ious tent .hose pointy top sealed him in gloomy solitude
ea%h night li'e the %ap of a tom!, it seemed in%redi!le that )ossarian really
preferred li$ing alone and .anted no roommates"
+s a lead !om!ardier again, )ossarian had M%;att for a pilot, and that .as
one %onsolation, although he .as still so utterly undefended" There .as no
.ay to fight !a%'" He %ould not e$en see M%;att and the %o9pilot from his
post in the nose" +ll he %ould e$er see .as +arfy, .ith .hose fustian,
moon9fa%ed ineptitude he had finally lost all patien%e, and there .ere
minutes of agoni0ing fury and frustration in the s'y .hen he hungered to !e
demoted again to a .ing plane .ith a loaded ma%hine gun in the
%ompartment instead of the pre%ision !om!sight that he really had no need
for, a po.erful, hea$y fifty9%ali!er ma%hine gun he %ould sei0e $engefully in
!oth hands and turn loose sa$agely against all the demons tyranni0ing him@
at the smo'y !la%' puffs of the fla' itselfA at the 6erman antiair%raft gunners
!elo. .hom he %ould not e$en see and %ould not possi!ly harm .ith his
ma%hine gun e$en if he e$er did ta'e the time to open fire, at Ha$ermeyer
and +pple!y in the lead plane for their fearless straight and le$el !om! run
on the se%ond mission to 3ologna .here the fla' from t.o hundred and
t.enty9four %annons had 'no%'ed out one of (rr1s engines for the $ery last
time and sent him do.n dit%hing into the sea !et.een 6enoa and &a
Spe0ia /ust !efore the !rief thunderstorm !ro'e"
+%tually, there .as not mu%h he %ould do .ith that po.erful ma%hine gun
e4%ept load it and test9fire a fe. rounds" #t .as no more use to him than the
!om!sight" He %ould really %ut loose .ith it against atta%'ing 6erman
fighters, !ut there .ere no 6erman fighters any more, and he %ould not
e$en s.ing it all the .ay around into the helpless fa%es of pilots li'e Huple
and -o!!s and order them !a%' do.n %arefully to the ground, as he had
on%e ordered >id Sampson !a%' do.n, .hi%h is e4a%tly .hat he did .ant to
do to -o!!s and Huple on the hideous first mission to +$ignon the moment
he reali0ed the fantasti% pi%'le he .as in, the moment he found himself aloft
in a .ing plane .ith -o!!s and Huple in a flight headed !y Ha$ermeyer
and +pple!y" -o!!s and Huple5 Huple and -o!!s5 ;ho .ere they5 ;hat
preposterous madness to float in thin air t.o miles high on an in%h or t.o of
metal, sustained from death !y the meager s'ill and intelligen%e of t.o
$apid strangers, a !eardless 'id named Huple and a ner$ous nut li'e
-o!!s, .ho really did go nuts right there in the plane, running amu%' o$er
the target .ithout lea$ing his %opilot1s seat and gra!!ing the %ontrols from
Huple to plunge them all do.n into that %hilling di$e that tore )ossarian1s
headset loose and !rought them right !a%' inside the dense fla' from .hi%h
they had almost es%aped" The ne4t thing he 'ne., another stranger, a
radio9gunner named Sno.den, .as dying in !a%'" #t .as impossi!le to !e
positi$e that -o!!s had 'illed him, for .hen )ossarian plugged his headset
!a%' in, -o!!s .as already on the inter%om pleading for someone to go up
front and help the !om!ardier" +nd almost immediately Sno.den !ro'e in,
.himpering, 1Help me" Please help me" #1m %old" #1m %old"1 +nd )ossarian
%ra.led slo.ly out of the nose and up on top of the !om! !ay and .riggled
!a%' into the rear se%tion of the plane = passing the first9aid 'it on the .ay
that he had to return for = to treat Sno.den for the .rong .ound, the
ya.ning, ra., melon9shaped hole as !ig as a foot!all in the outside of his
thigh, the unse$ered, !lood9soa'ed mus%le fi!ers inside pulsating .eirdly
li'e !lind things .ith li$es of their o.n, the o$al, na'ed .ound that .as
almost a foot long and made )ossarian moan in sho%' and sympathy the
instant he spied it and nearly made him $omit" +nd the small, slight tail9
gunner .as lying on the floor !eside Sno.den in a dead faint, his fa%e as
.hite as a hand'er%hief, so that )ossarian sprang for.ard .ith re$ulsion to
help him first"
)es, in the long run, he .as mu%h safer flying .ith M%;att, and he .as not
e$en safe .ith M%;att, .ho lo$ed flying too mu%h and .ent !u00ing !oldly
in%hes off the ground .ith )ossarian in the nose on the .ay !a%' from the
training flight to !rea' in the ne. !om!ardier in the .hole repla%ement %re.
Colonel Cath%art had o!tained after (rr .as lost" The pra%ti%e !om! range
.as on the other side of Pianosa, and, flying !a%', M%;att edged the !elly
of the la0ing, slo.9%ruising plane /ust o$er the %rest of mountains in the
middle and then, instead of maintaining altitude, /olted !oth engines open
all the .ay, lur%hed up on one side and, to )ossarian1s astonishment,
!egan follo.ing the falling land do.n as fast as the plane .ould go,
.agging his .ings gaily and s'imming .ith a massi$e, grinding, hammering
roar o$er ea%h ro%'y rise and dip of the rolling terrain li'e a di00y gull o$er
.ild !ro.n .a$es" )ossarian .as petrified" The ne. !om!ardier !eside him
sat demurely .ith a !e.it%hed grin and 'ept .histling 1;heeB1 and
)ossarian .anted to rea%h out and %rush his idioti% fa%e .ith one hand as
he flin%hed and flung himself a.ay from the !oulders and hillo%'s and
lashing !ran%hes of trees that loomed up a!o$e him out in front and rushed
past /ust underneath in a sin'ing, strea'ing !lur" ,o one had a right to ta'e
su%h frightful ris's .ith his life"
16o up, go up, go upB1 he shouted franti%ally at M%;att, hating him
$enomously, !ut M%;att .as singing !uoyantly o$er the inter%om and
pro!a!ly %ouldn1t hear" )ossarian, !la0ing .ith rage and almost so!!ing for
re$enge, hurled himself do.n into the %ra.l.ay and fought his .ay through
against the dragging .eight of gra$ity and inertia until he arri$ed at the main
se%tion and pulled himself up to the flight de%', to stand trem!ling !ehind
M%;att in the pilot1s seat" He loo'ed desperately a!out for a gun, a gray9
!la%' "C5 automati% that he %ould %o%' and ram right up against the !ase of
M%;att1s s'ull" There .as no gun" There .as no hunting 'nife either, and
no other .eapon .ith .hi%h he %ould !ludgeon or sta!, and )ossarian
grasped and /er'ed the %ollar of M%;att1s %o$eralls in tightening fists and
shouted to him to go up, go up" The land .as still s.imming !y underneath
and flashing !y o$erhead on !oth sides" M%;att loo'ed !a%' at )ossarian
and laughed /oyfully as though )ossarian .ere sharing his fun" )ossarian
slid !oth hands around M%;att1s !are throat and s2uee0ed" M%;att turned
stiff@
16o up,1 )ossarian ordered unmista'a!ly through his teeth in a lo.,
mena%ing $oi%e" 1(r #1ll 'ill you"1
*igid .ith %aution, M%;att %ut the motors !a%' and %lim!ed gradually"
)ossarian1s hands .ea'ened on M%;att1s ne%' and slid do.n off his
shoulders to dangle inertly" He .as not angry any more" He .as ashamed"
;hen M%;att turned, he .as sorry the hands .ere his and .ished there
.ere somepla%e .here he %ould !ury them" They felt dead"
M%;att ga0ed at him deeply" There .as no friendliness in his stare" 13oy,1
he said %oldly, 1you sure must !e in pretty !ad shape" )ou ought to go
home"1
1They .on1t let me"1 )ossarian ans.ered .ith a$erted eyes, and %rept a.ay"
)ossarian stepped do.n from the flight de%' and seated himself on the
floor, hanging his head .ith guilt and remorse" He .as %o$ered .ith s.eat"
M%;att set %ourse dire%tly !a%' to.ard the field" )ossarian .ondered
.hether M%;att .ould no. go to the operations tent to see Pilt%hard and
;ren and re2uest that )ossarian ne$er !e assigned to his plane again, /ust
as )ossarian had gone surreptitiously to spea' to them a!out -o!!s and
Huple and (rr and, unsu%%essfully, a!out +arfy" He had ne$er seen
M%;att loo' displeased !efore, had ne$er seen him in any !ut the most
lighthearted mood, and he .ondered .hether he had /ust lost another
friend"
3ut M%;att .in'ed at him reassuringly as he %lim!ed do.n from the plane
and /oshed hospita!ly .ith the %redulous ne. pilot and !om!ardier during
the /eep ride !a%' to the s2uadron, although he did not address a .ord to
)ossarian until all four had returned their para%hutes and separated and the
t.o of them .ere .al'ing side !y side to.ard their o.n ro. of tents" Then
M%;att1s sparsely fre%'led tan S%ot%h9#rish fa%e !ro'e suddenly into a
smile and he dug his 'nu%'les playfully into )ossarian1s ri!s, as though
thro.ing a pun%h"
1)ou louse,1 he laughed" 1;ere you really going to 'ill me up there51
)ossarian grinned penitently and shoo' his head" 1,o" # don1t thin' so"1
1# didn1t reali0e you got it so !ad" 3oyB ;hy don1t you tal' to some!ody
a!out it51
1# tal' to e$ery!ody a!out it" ;hat the hell1s the matter .ith you5 -on1t you
e$er hear me51
1# guess # ne$er really !elie$ed you"1
1+ren1t you e$er afraid51
1May!e # ought to !e"1
1,ot e$en on the missions51
1# guess # /ust don1t ha$e !rains enough"1 M%;att laughed sheepishly"
1There are so many .ays for me to get 'illed,1 )ossarian %ommented, 1and
you had to find one more"1
M%;att smiled again" 1Say, # !et it must really s%are you .hen # !u00 your
tent, huh51
1#t s%ares me to death" #1$e told you that"1
1# thought it .as /ust the noise you .ere %omplaining a!out"1 M%;att made a
resigned shrug" 1(h, .ell, .hat the hell,1 he sang" 1# guess #1ll /ust ha$e to
gi$e it up"1
3ut M%;att .as in%orrigi!le, and, .hile he ne$er !u00ed )ossarian1s tent
again, he ne$er missed an opportunity to !u00 the !ea%h and roar li'e a
fier%e and lo.9flying thunder!olt o$er the raft in the .ater and the se%luded
hollo. in the sand .here )ossarian lay feeling up ,urse -u%'ett or playing
hearts, po'er or pino%hle .ith ,ately, -un!ar and Hungry Joe" )ossarian
met ,urse -u%'ett almost e$ery afternoon that !oth .ere free and %ame
.ith her to the !ea%h on the other side of the narro. s.ell of shoulder9high
dunes separating them from the area in .hi%h the other offi%ers and
enlisted men .ent s.imming nude" ,ately, -un!ar and Hungry Joe .ould
%ome there, too" M%;att .ould o%%asionally /oin them, and often +arfy, .ho
al.ays arri$ed pudgily in full uniform and ne$er remo$ed any of his %lothing
!ut his shoes and his hatA +arfy ne$er .ent s.imming" The other men .ore
s.imming trun's in deferen%e to ,urse -u%'ett, and in deferen%e also to
,urse Cramer, .ho a%%ompanied ,urse -u%'ett and )ossarian to the
!ea%h e$ery time and sat haughtily !y herself ten yards a.ay" ,o one !ut
+arfy e$er made referen%e to the na'ed men sun9!athing in full $ie. farther
do.n the !ea%h or /umping and di$ing from the enormous .hite9.ashed
raft that !o!!ed on empty oil drums out !eyond the silt sand" ,urse Cramer
sat !y herself !e%ause she .as angry .ith )ossarian and disappointed in
,urse -u%'ett"
,urse Sue +nn -u%'ett despised +arfy, and that .as another one of the
numerous fet%hing traits a!out ,urse -u%'ett that )ossarian en/oyed" He
en/oyed ,urse Sue +nn -u%'ett1s long .hite legs and supple, %allipygous
assA he often negle%ted to remem!er that she .as 2uite slim and fragile
from the .aist up and hurt her unintentionally in moments of passion .hen
he hugged her too roughly" He lo$ed her manner of sleepy a%2uies%en%e
.hen they lay on the !ea%h at dus'" He dre. sola%e and sedation from her
nearness" He had a %ra$ing to tou%h her al.ays, to remain al.ays in
physi%al %ommuni%ation" He li'ed to en%ir%le her an'le loosely .ith his
fingers as he played %ards .ith ,ately, -un!ar and Hungry Joe, to lightly
and lo$ingly %aress the do.ny s'in of her fair, smooth thigh .ith the !a%'s
of his nails or, dreamily, sensuously, almost un%ons%iously, slide his
proprietary, respe%tful hand up the shell9li'e ridge of her spine !eneath the
elasti% strap of the top of the t.o9pie%e !athing suit she al.ays .ore to
%ontain and %o$er her tiny, long9nippled !reasts" He lo$ed ,urse -u%'ett1s
serene, flattered response, the sense of atta%hment to him she displayed
proudly" Hungry Joe had a %ra$ing to feel ,urse -u%'ett up, too, and .as
restrained more than on%e !y )ossarian1s for!idding glo.er" ,urse -u%'ett
flirted .ith Hungry Joe /ust to 'eep him in heat, and her round light9!ro.n
eyes glimmered .ith mis%hief e$ery time )ossarian rapped her sharply .ith
his el!o. or fist to ma'e her stop"
The men played %ards on a to.el, undershirt, or !lan'et, and ,urse -u%'ett
mi4ed the e4tra de%' of %ards, sitting .ith her !a%' resting against a sand
dune" ;hen she .as not shuffling the e4tra de%' of %ards, she sat s2uinting
into a tiny po%'et mirror, !rushing mas%ara on her %urling reddish eyelashes
in a !ird!rained effort to ma'e them longer permanently" (%%asionally she
.as a!le to sta%' the %ards or spoil the de%' in a .ay they did not dis%o$er
until they .ere .ell into the game, and she laughed and glo.ed .ith !lissful
gratifi%ation .hen they all hurled their %ards do.n disgustedly and !egan
pun%hing her sharply on the arms or legs as they %alled her filthy names
and .arned her to stop fooling around" She .ould prattle nonsensi%ally
.hen they .ere stri$ing hardest to thin', and a pin' flush of elation %rept
into her %hee's .hen they ga$e her more sharp raps on the arms and legs
.ith their fists and told her to shut up" ,urse -u%'ett re$eled in su%h
attention and du%'ed her short %hestnut !angs .ith /oy .hen )ossarian and
the others fo%used upon her" #t ga$e her a pe%uliar feeling of .arm and
e4pe%tant .ell9!eing to 'no. that so many na'ed !oys and men .ere idling
%lose !y on the other side of the sand dunes" She had only to stret%h her
ne%' or rise on some prete4t to see t.enty or forty undressed males
lounging or playing !all in the sunlight" Her o.n !ody .as su%h a familiar
and unremar'a!le thing to her that she .as pu00led !y the %on$ulsi$e
e%stasy men %ould ta'e from it, !y the intense and amusing need they had
merely to tou%h it, to rea%h out urgently and press it, s2uee0e it, pin%h it, ru!
it" She did not understand )ossarian1s lustA !ut she .as .illing to ta'e his
.ord for it"
$enings .hen )ossarian felt horny he !rought ,urse -u%'ett to the !ea%h
.ith t.o !lan'ets and en/oyed ma'ing lo$e to her .ith most of their %lothes
on more than he sometimes en/oyed ma'ing lo$e to all the $igorous !are
amoral girls in *ome" 7re2uently they .ent to the !ea%h at night and did not
ma'e lo$e, !ut /ust lay shi$ering !et.een the !lan'ets against ea%h other to
.ard off the !ris', damp %hill" The in'9!la%' nights .ere turning %old, the
stars frosty and fe.er" The raft s.ayed in the ghostly trail of moonlight and
seemed to !e sailing a.ay" + mar'ed hint of %old .eather penetrated the
air" (ther men .ere /ust starting to !uild sto$es and %ame to )ossarian1s
tent during the day to mar$el at (rr1s .or'manship" #t thrilled ,urse -u%'ett
rapturously that )ossarian %ould not 'eep his hands off her .hen they .ere
together, although she .ould not let him slip them inside her !athing shorts
during the day .hen anyone .as near enough to see, not e$en .hen the
only .itness .as ,urse Cramer, .ho sat on the other side of her sand dune
.ith her repro$ing nose in the air and pretended not to see anything"
,urse Cramer had stopped spea'ing to ,urse -u%'ett, her !est friend,
!e%ause of her liaison .ith )ossarian, !ut still .ent e$ery.here .ith ,urse
-u%'ett sin%e ,urse -u%'ett .as her !est friend" She did not appro$e of
)ossarian or his friends" ;hen they stood up and .ent s.imming .ith
,urse -u%'ett, ,urse Cramer stood up and .ent s.imming, too,
maintaining the same ten9yard distan%e !et.een them, and maintaining her
silen%e, snu!!ing them e$en in the .ater" ;hen they laughed and
splashed, she laughed and splashedA .hen they di$ed, she di$edA .hen
they s.am to the sand !ar and rested, ,urse Cramer s.am to the sand !ar
and rested" ;hen they %ame out, she %ame out, dried her shoulders .ith
her o.n to.el and seated herself aloofly in her o.n spot, her !a%' rigid and
a ring of refle%ted sunlight !urnishing her light9!lond hair li'e a halo" ,urse
Cramer .as prepared to !egin tal'ing to ,urse -u%'ett again if she
repented and apologi0ed" ,urse -u%'ett preferred things the .ay they
.ere" 7or a long time she had .anted to gi$e ,urse Cramer a rap to ma'e
her shut up"
,urse -u%'ett found )ossarian .onderful and .as already trying to %hange
him" She lo$ed to .at%h him ta'ing short naps .ith his fa%e do.n and his
arm thro.n a%ross her, or staring !lea'ly at the endless tame, 2uiet .a$es
!rea'ing li'e pet puppy dogs against the shore, s%ampering lightly up the
sand a foot or t.o and then trotting a.ay" She .as %alm in his silen%es"
She 'ne. she did not !ore him, and she !uffed or painted her fingernails
studiously .hile he do0ed or !rooded and the desultory .arm afternoon
!ree0e $i!rated deli%ately on the surfa%e of the !ea%h" She lo$ed to loo' at
his .ide, long, sine.y !a%' .ith its !ron0ed, un!lemished s'in" She lo$ed
to !ring him to flame instantly !y ta'ing his .hole ear in her mouth suddenly
and running her hand do.n his front all the .ay" She lo$ed to ma'e him
!urn and suffer till dar', then satisfy him" Then 'iss him adoringly !e%ause
she had !rought him su%h !liss"
)ossarian .as ne$er lonely .ith ,urse -u%'ett, .ho really did 'no. ho. to
'eep her mouth shut and .as /ust %apri%ious enough" He .as haunted and
tormented !y the $ast, !oundless o%ean" He .ondered mournfully, as
,urse -u%'ett !uffed her nails, a!out all the people .ho had died under
.ater" There .ere surely more than a million already" ;here .ere they5
;hat inse%ts had eaten their flesh5 He imagined the a.ful impoten%e of
!reathing in helplessly 2uarts and 2uarts of .ater" )ossarian follo.ed the
small fishing !oats and military laun%hes plying !a%' and forth far out and
found them unrealA it did not seem true that there .ere full9si0ed men
a!oard, going some.here e$ery time" He loo'ed to.ard stony l!a, and his
eyes automati%ally sear%hed o$erhead for the fluffy, .hite, turnip9shaped
%loud in .hi%h Cle$inger had $anished" He peered at the $aporous #talian
s'yline and thought of (rr" Cle$inger and (rr" ;here had they gone5
)ossarian had on%e stood on a /etty at da.n and .at%hed a tufted round
log that .as drifting to.ard him on the tide turn une4pe%tedly into the
!loated fa%e of a dro.ned manA it .as the first dead person he had e$er
seen" He thirsted for life and rea%hed out ra$enously to grasp and hold
,urse -u%'ett1s flesh" He studied e$ery floating o!/e%t fearfully for some
gruesome sign of Cle$inger and (rr, prepared for any mor!id sho%' !ut the
sho%' M%;att ga$e him one day .ith the plane that %ame !lasting suddenly
into sight out of the distant stillness and hurtled mer%ilessly along the shore
line .ith a great gro.ling, %lattering roar o$er the !o!!ing raft on .hi%h
!lond, pale >id Sampson, his na'ed sides s%ra.ny e$en from so far a.ay,
leaped %lo.nishly up to tou%h it at the e4a%t moment some ar!itrary gust of
.ind or minor mis%al%ulation of M%;att1s senses dropped the speeding
plane do.n /ust lo. enough for a propeller to sli%e him half a.ay"
$en people .ho .ere not there remem!ered $i$idly e4a%tly .hat
happened ne4t" There .as the !riefest, softest tsst filtering audi!ly through
the shattering, o$er.helming ho.l of the plane1s engines, and then there
.ere /ust >id Sampson1s t.o pale, s'inny legs, still /oined !y strings
someho. at the !loody trun%ated hips, standing sto%'9still on the raft for
.hat seemed a full minute or t.o !efore they toppled o$er !a%'.ard into
the .ater finally .ith a faint, e%hoing splash and turned %ompletely upside
do.n so that only the grotes2ue toes and the plaster9.hite soles of >id
Sampson1s feet remained in $ie."
(n the !ea%h, all hell !ro'e loose" ,urse Cramer materiali0ed out of thin air
suddenly and .as .eeping hysteri%ally against )ossarian1s %hest .hile
)ossarian hugged her shoulders and soothed her" His other arm !olstered
,urse -u%'ett, .ho .as trem!ling and so!!ing against him, too, her long,
angular fa%e dead .hite" $eryone at the !ea%h .as s%reaming and
running, and the men sounded li'e .omen" They s%ampered for their things
in pani%, stooping hurriedly and loo'ing as'an%e at ea%h gentle, 'nee9high
.a$e !u!!ling in as though some ugly, red, grisly organ li'e a li$er or a lung
might %ome .ashing right up against them" Those in the .ater .ere
struggling to get out, forgetting in their haste to s.im, .ailing, .al'ing, held
!a%' in their flight !y the $is%ous, %linging sea as though !y a !iting .ind"
>id Sampson had rained all o$er" Those .ho spied drops of him on their
lim!s or torsos dre. !a%' .ith terror and re$ulsion, as though trying to
shrin' a.ay from their o.n odious s'ins" $ery!ody ran in a sluggish
stampede, shooting tortured, horrified glan%es !a%', filling the deep,
shado.y, rustling .oods .ith their frail gasps and %ries" )ossarian dro$e
!oth stum!ling, faltering .omen !efore him franti%ally, sho$ing them and
prodding them to ma'e them hurry, and ra%ed !a%' .ith a %urse to help
.hen Hungry Joe tripped on the !lan'et or the %amera %ase he .as
%arrying and fell for.ard on his fa%e in the mud of the stream"
3a%' at the s2uadron e$eryone already 'ne." Men in uniform .ere
s%reaming and running there too, or standing motionless in one spot, rooted
in a.e, li'e Sergeant >night and -o% -anee'a as they gra$ely %raned their
heads up.ard and .at%hed the guilty, !an'ing, forlorn airplane .ith M%;att
%ir%le and %ir%le slo.ly and %lim!"
1;ho is it51 )ossarian shouted an4iously at -o% -anee'a as he ran up,
!reathless and limp, his som!er eyes !urning .ith a misty, he%ti% anguish"
1;ho1s in the plane51
1M%;att,1 said Sergeant >night" 1He1s got the t.o ne. pilots .ith him on a
training flight" -o% -anee'a1s up there, too"1
1#1m right here,1 %ontended -o% -anee'a, in a strange and trou!led $oi%e,
darting an an4ious loo' at Sergeant >night"
1;hy doesn1t he %ome do.n51 )ossarian e4%laimed in despair" 1;hy does
he 'eep going up51
1He1s pro!a!ly afraid to %ome do.n,1 Sergeant >night ans.ered, .ithout
mo$ing his solemn ga0e from M%;att1s solitary %lim!ing airplane" 1He
'no.s .hat 'ind of trou!le he1s in"1
+nd M%;att 'ept %lim!ing higher and higher, nosing his droning airplane
up.ard e$enly in a slo., o$al spiral that %arried him far out o$er the .ater
as he headed south and far in o$er the russet foothills .hen he had %ir%led
the landing field again and .as flying north" He .as soon up o$er fi$e
thousand feet" His engines .ere soft as .hispers" + .hite para%hute
popped open suddenly in a surprising puff" + se%ond para%hute popped
open a fe. minutes later and %oasted do.n, li'e the first, dire%tly in to.ard
the %learing of the landing strip" There .as no motion on the ground" The
plane %ontinued south for thirty se%onds more, follo.ing the same pattern,
familiar and predi%ta!le no., and M%;att lifted a .ing and !an'ed
gra%efully around into his turn"
1T.o more to go,1 said Sergeant >night" 1M%;att and -o% -anee'a"1
1#1m right here, Sergeant >night,1 -o% -anee'a told him plainti$ely" 1#1m not
in the plane"1
1;hy don1t they /ump51 Sergeant >night as'ed, pleading aloud to himself"
1;hy don1t they /ump51
1#t doesn1t ma'e sense,1 grie$ed -o% -anee'a, !iting his lip" 1#t /ust doesn1t
ma'e sense"1
3ut )ossarian understood suddenly .hy M%;att .ouldn1t /ump, and .ent
running un%ontrolla!ly do.n the .hole length of the s2uadron after
M%;att1s plane, .a$ing his arms and shouting up at him imploringly to
%ome do.n, M%;att, %ome do.nA !ut no one seemed to hear, %ertainly not
M%;att, and a great, %ho'ing moan tore from )ossarian1s throat as M%;att
turned again, dipped his .ings on%e in salute, de%ided oh, .ell, .hat the
hell, and fle. into a mountain"
Colonel Cath%art .as so upset !y the deaths of >id Sampson and M%;att
that he raised the missions to si4ty9fi$e"
Mrs4 "aneeka
;hen Colonel Cath%art learned that -o% -anee'a too had !een 'illed in
M%;att1s plane, he in%reased the num!er of missions to se$enty"
The first person in the s2uadron to find out that -o% -anee'a .as dead
.as Sergeant To.ser, .ho had !een informed earlier !y the man in the
%ontrol to.er that -o% -anee'a1s name .as do.n as a passenger on the
pilot1s manifest M%;att had filed !efore ta'ing off" Sergeant To.ser
!rushed a.ay a tear and stru%' -o% -anee'a1s name from the roster of
s2uadron personnel" ;ith lips still 2ui$ering, he rose and trudged outside
relu%tantly to !rea' the !ad ne.s to 6us and ;es, dis%reetly a$oiding any
%on$ersation .ith -o% -anee'a himself as he mo$ed !y the flight surgeon1s
slight sepul%hral figure roosting despondently on his stool in the late9
afternoon sunlight !et.een the orderly room and the medi%al tent" Sergeant
To.ser1s heart .as hea$yA no. he had t.o dead men on his hands =
Mudd, the dead man in )ossarian1s tent .ho .asn1t e$en there, and -o%
-anee'a, the ne. dead man in the s2uadron, .ho most %ertainly .as there
and ga$e e$ery indi%ation of pro$ing a still thornier administrati$e pro!lem
for him"
6us and ;es listened to Sergeant To.ser .ith loo's of stoi% surprise and
said not a .ord a!out their !erea$ement to anyone else until -o% -anee'a
himself %ame in a!out an hour after.ard to ha$e his temperature ta'en for
the third time that day and his !lood pressure %he%'ed" The thermometer
registered a half degree lo.er than his usual su!normal temperature of
96"Q" -o% -anee'a .as alarmed" The fi4ed, $a%ant, .ooden stares of his
t.o enlisted men .ere e$en more irritating than al.ays"
16oddammit,1 he e4postulated politely in an un%ommon e4%ess of
e4asperation, 1.hat1s the matter .ith you t.o men any.ay5 #t /ust isn1t right
for a person to ha$e a lo. temperature all the time and .al' around .ith a
stuffed nose"1 -o% -anee'a emitted a glum, self9pitying sniff and strolled
dis%onsolately a%ross the tent to help himself to some aspirin and sulphur
pills and paint his o.n throat .ith +rgyrol" His do.n%ast fa%e .as fragile
and forlorn as a s.allo.1s, and he ru!!ed the !a%' of his arms rhythmi%ally"
1Just loo' ho. %old # am right no." )ou1re sure you1re not holding anything
!a%'51
1)ou1re dead, sir,1 one of his t.o enlisted men e4plained"
-o% -anee'a /er'ed his head up 2ui%'ly .ith resentful distrust" 1;hat1s
that51
1)ou1re dead, sir,1 repeated the other" 1That1s pro!a!ly the reason you
al.ays feel so %old"1
1That1s right, sir" )ou1$e pro!a!ly !een dead all this time and .e /ust didn1t
dete%t it"1
1;hat the hell are you !oth tal'ing a!out51 -o% -anee'a %ried shrilly .ith a
surging, petrifying sensation of some onrushing una$oida!le disaster"
1#t1s true, sir,1 said one of the enlisted men" 1The re%ords sho. that you .ent
up in M%;att1s plane to %olle%t some flight time" )ou didn1t %ome do.n in a
para%hute, so you must ha$e !een 'illed in the %rash"1
1That1s right, sir,1 said the other" 1)ou ought to !e glad you1$e got any
temperature at all"1
-o% -anee'a1s mind .as reeling in %onfusion" 1Ha$e you !oth gone %ra0y51
he demanded" 1#1m going to report this .hole insu!ordinate in%ident to
Sergeant To.ser"1
1Sergeant To.ser1s the one .ho told us a!out it,1 said either 6us or ;es"
1The ;ar -epartment1s e$en going to notify your .ife"1
-o% -anee'a yelped and ran out of the medi%al tent to remonstrate .ith
Sergeant To.ser, .ho edged a.ay from him .ith repugnan%e and ad$ised
-o% -anee'a to remain out of sight as mu%h as possi!le until some
de%ision %ould !e rea%hed relating to the disposition of his remains"
16ee, # guess he really is dead,1 grie$ed one of his enlisted men in a lo.,
respe%tful $oi%e" 1#1m going to miss him" He .as a pretty .onderful guy,
.asn1t he51
1)eah, he sure .as,1 mourned the other" 13ut #1m glad the little fu%' is gone" #
.as getting si%' and tired of ta'ing his !lood pressure all the time"1
Mrs" -anee'a, -o% -anee'a1s .ife, .as not glad that -o% -anee'a .as
gone and split the pea%eful Staten #sland night .ith .oeful shrie's of
lamentation .hen she learned !y ;ar -epartment telegram that her
hus!and had !een 'illed in a%tion" ;omen %ame to %omfort her, and their
hus!ands paid %ondolen%e %alls and hoped in.ardly that she .ould soon
mo$e to another neigh!orhood and spare them the o!ligation of %ontinuous
sympathy" The poor .oman .as totally distraught for almost a full .ee'"
Slo.ly, heroi%ally, she found the strength to %ontemplate a future filled .ith
dire pro!lems for herself and her %hildren" Just as she .as gro.ing
resigned to her loss, the postman rang .ith a !olt from the !lue = a letter
from o$erseas that .as signed .ith her hus!and1s signature and urged her
franti%ally to disregard any !ad ne.s %on%erning him" Mrs" -anee'a .as
dum!founded" The date on the letter .as illegi!le" The hand.riting
throughout .as sha'y and hurried, !ut the style resem!led her hus!and1s
and the melan%holy, self9pitying tone .as familiar, although more dreary
than usual" Mrs" -anee'a .as o$er/oyed and .ept irrepressi!ly .ith relief
and 'issed the %rin'led, gru!!y tissue of F9mail stationery a thousand
times" She dashed a grateful note off to her hus!and pressing him for
details and sent a .ire informing the ;ar -epartment of its error" The ;ar
-epartment replied tou%hily that there had !een no error and that she .as
undou!tedly the $i%tim of some sadisti% and psy%hoti% forger in her
hus!and1s s2uadron" The letter to her hus!and .as returned unopened,
stamped >#&&- #, +CT#(,"
Mrs" -anee'a had !een .ido.ed %ruelly again, !ut this time her grief .as
mitigated some.hat !y a notifi%ation from ;ashington that she .as sole
!enefi%iary of her hus!and1s R18,888 6# insuran%e poli%y, .hi%h amount
.as o!taina!le !y her on demand" The reali0ation that she and the %hildren
.ere not fa%ed immediately .ith star$ation !rought a !ra$e smile to her
fa%e and mar'ed the turning point in her distress" The Feterans
+dministration informed her !y mail the $ery ne4t day that she .ould !e
entitled to pension !enefits for the rest of her natural life !e%ause of her
hus!and1s demise, and to a !urial allo.an%e for him of R<58" + go$ernment
%he%' for R<58 .as en%losed" 6radually, ine4ora!ly, her prospe%ts
!rightened" + letter arri$ed that same .ee' from the So%ial Se%urity
+dministration stating that, under the pro$isions of the (ld +ge and
Sur$i$ors #nsuran%e +%t (f 19K5, she .ould re%ei$e monthly support for
herself and her dependent %hildren until they rea%hed the age of eighteen,
and a !urial allo.an%e of R<58" ;ith these go$ernment letters as proof of
death, she applied for payment on three life insuran%e poli%ies -o%
-anee'a had %arried, .ith a $alue of R58,888 ea%hA her %laim .as honored
and pro%essed s.iftly" a%h day !rought ne. une4pe%ted treasures" + 'ey
to a safe9deposit !o4 led to a fourth life insuran%e poli%y .ith a fa%e $alue of
R58,888, and to R1Q,888 in %ash on .hi%h in%ome ta4 had ne$er !een paid
and need ne$er !e paid" + fraternal lodge to .hi%h he had !elonged ga$e
her a %emetery plot" + se%ond fraternal organi0ation of .hi%h he had !een a
mem!er sent her a !urial allo.an%e of R<58" His %ounty medi%al
asso%iation ga$e her a !urial allo.an%e of R<58"
The hus!ands of her %losest friends !egan to flirt .ith her" Mrs" -anee'a
.as simply delighted .ith the .ay things .ere turning out and had her hair
dyed" Her fantasti% .ealth /ust 'ept piling up, and she had to remind herself
daily that all the hundreds of thousands of dollars she .as a%2uiring .ere
not .orth a single penny .ithout her hus!and to share this good fortune
.ith her" #t astonished her that so many separate organi0ations .ere .illing
to do so mu%h to !ury -o% -anee'a, .ho, !a%' in Pianosa, .as ha$ing a
terri!le time trying to 'eep his head a!o$e the ground and .ondered .ith
dismal apprehension .hy his .ife did not ans.er the letter he had .ritten"
He found himself ostra%i0ed in the s2uadron !y men .ho %ursed his
memory foully for ha$ing supplied Colonel Cath%art .ith pro$o%ation to
raise the num!er of %om!at missions" *e%ords attesting to his death .ere
pullulating li'e inse%t eggs and $erifying ea%h other !eyond all %ontention"
He dre. no pay or PL rations and depended for life on the %harity of
Sergeant To.ser and Milo, .ho !oth 'ne. he .as dead" Colonel Cath%art
refused to see him, and Colonel >orn sent .ord through Ma/or -an!y that
he .ould ha$e -o% -anee'a %remated on the spot if he e$er sho.ed up at
6roup Head2uarters" Ma/or -an!y %onfided that 6roup .as in%ensed .ith
all flight surgeons !e%ause of -r" Stu!!s, the !ushy9haired, !aggy9%hinned,
slo$enly flight surgeon in -un!ar1s s2uadron .ho .as deli!erately and
defiantly !re.ing insidious dissension there !y grounding all men .ith si4ty
missions on proper forms that .ere re/e%ted !y 6roup indignantly .ith
orders restoring the %onfused pilots, na$igators, !om!ardiers and gunners
to %om!at duty" Morale there .as e!!ing rapidly, and -un!ar .as under
sur$eillan%e" 6roup .as glad -o% -anee'a had !een 'illed and did not
intend to as' for a repla%ement"
,ot e$en the %haplain %ould !ring -o% -anee'a !a%' to life under the
%ir%umstan%es" +larm %hanged to resignation, and more and more -o%
-anee'a a%2uired the loo' of an ailing rodent" The sa%'s under his eyes
turned hollo. and !la%', and he padded through the shado.s fruitlessly li'e
a u!i2uitous spoo'" $en Captain 7lume re%oiled .hen -o% -anee'a
sought him out in the .oods for help" Heartlessly, 6us and ;es turned him
a.ay from their medi%al tent .ithout e$en a thermometer for %omfort, and
then, only then, did he reali0e that, to all intents and purposes, he really
.as dead, and that he had !etter do something damned fast if he e$er
hoped to sa$e himself"
There .as no.here else to turn !ut to his .ife, and he s%ri!!led an
impassioned letter !egging her to !ring his plight to the attention of the ;ar
-epartment and urging her to %ommuni%ate at on%e .ith his group
%ommander, Colonel Cath%art, for assuran%es that = no matter .hat else
she might ha$e heard = it .as indeed he, her hus!and, -o% -anee'a, .ho
.as pleading .ith her, and not a %orpse or some impostor" Mrs" -anee'a
.as stunned !y the depth of emotion in the almost illegi!le appeal" She .as
torn .ith %ompun%tion and tempted to %omply, !ut the $ery ne4t letter she
opened that day .as from that same Colonel Cath%art, her hus!and1s group
%ommander, and !egan@
-ear Mrs", Mr", Miss, or Mr" and Mrs" -anee'a@ ;ords %annot e4press the
deep personal grief # e4perien%ed .hen your hus!and, son, father or
!rother .as 'illed, .ounded or reported missing in a%tion"
Mrs" -anee'a mo$ed .ith her %hildren to &ansing, Mi%higan, and left no
for.arding address"
+o-+o1s 5oomies
)ossarian .as .arm .hen the %old .eather %ame and .hale9shaped
%louds !le. lo. through a dingy, slate9gray s'y, almost .ithout end, li'e the
droning, dar', iron flo%'s of 391E and 39<C !om!ers from the long9range air
!ases in #taly the day of the in$asion of southern 7ran%e t.o months earlier"
$eryone in the s2uadron 'ne. that >id Sampson1s s'inny legs had
.ashed up on the .et sand to lie there and rot li'e a purple t.isted
.ish!one" ,o one .ould go to retrie$e them, not 6us or ;es or e$en the
men in the mortuary at the hospitalA e$eryone made !elie$e that >id
Sampson1s legs .ere not there, that they had !o!!ed a.ay south fore$er
on the tide li'e all of Cle$inger and (rr" ,o. that !ad .eather had %ome,
almost no one e$er snea'ed a.ay alone any more to pee' through !ushes
li'e a per$ert at the moldering stumps"
There .ere no more !eautiful days" There .ere no more easy missions"
There .as stinging rain and dull, %hilling fog, and the men fle. at .ee'9long
inter$als, .hene$er the .eather %leared" +t night the .ind moaned" The
gnarled and stunted tree trun's %rea'ed and groaned and for%ed
)ossarian1s thoughts ea%h morning, e$en !efore he .as fully a.a'e, !a%'
on >id Sampson1s s'inny legs !loating and de%aying, as systemati%ally as a
ti%'ing %lo%', in the i%y rain and .et sand all through the !lind, %old, gusty
(%to!er nights" +fter >id Sampson1s legs, he .ould thin' of pitiful,
.himpering Sno.den free0ing to death in the rear se%tion of the plane,
holding his eternal, immuta!le se%ret %on%ealed inside his 2uilted, armor9
plate fla' suit until )ossarian had finished sterili0ing and !andaging the
.rong .ound on his leg, and then spilling it out suddenly all o$er the floor"
+t night .hen he .as trying to sleep, )ossarian .ould %all the roll of all the
men, .omen and %hildren he had e$er 'no.n .ho .ere no. dead" He tried
to remem!er all the soldiers, and he resurre%ted images of all the elderly
people he had 'no.n .hen a %hild = all the aunts, un%les, neigh!ors,
parents and grandparents, his o.n and e$eryone else1s, and all the
patheti%, deluded shop'eepers .ho opened their small, dusty stores at
da.n and .or'ed in them foolishly until midnight" They .ere all dead, too"
The num!er of dead people /ust seemed to in%rease" +nd the 6ermans
.ere still fighting" -eath .as irre$ersi!le, he suspe%ted, and he !egan to
thin' he .as going to lose"
)ossarian .as .arm .hen the %old .eather %ame !e%ause of (rr1s
mar$elous sto$e, and he might ha$e e4isted in his .arm tent 2uite
%omforta!ly if not for the memory of (rr, and if not for the gang of animated
roommates that %ame s.arming inside rapa%iously one day from the t.o
full %om!at %re.s Colonel Cath%art had re2uisitioned = and o!tained in
less than forty9eight hours = as repla%ements for >id Sampson and
M%;att" )ossarian emitted a long, loud, %roa'ing gasp of protest .hen he
trudged in tiredly after a mission and found them already there"
There .ere four of them, and they .ere ha$ing a .hale of a good time as
they helped ea%h other set up their %ots" They .ere horsing around" The
moment he sa. them, )ossarian 'ne. they .ere impossi!le" They .ere
fris'y, eager and e4u!erant, and they had all !een friends in the States"
They .ere plainly unthin'a!le"
They .ere noisy, o$er%onfident, empty9headed 'ids of t.enty9one" They
had gone to %ollege and .ere engaged to pretty, %lean girls .hose pi%tures
.ere already standing on the rough %ement mantelpie%e of (rr1s firepla%e"
They had ridden in speed!oats and played tennis" They had !een
horse!a%' riding" (ne had on%e !een to !ed .ith an older .oman" They
'ne. the same people in different parts of the %ountry and had gone to
s%hool .ith ea%h other1s %ousins" They had listened to the ;orld Series and
really %ared .ho .on foot!all games" They .ere o!tuseA their morale .as
good" They .ere glad that the .ar had lasted long enough for them to find
out .hat %om!at .as really li'e" They .ere half.ay through unpa%'ing
.hen )ossarian thre. them out"
They .ere plainly out of the 2uestion, )ossarian e4plained adamantly to
Sergeant To.ser, .hose sallo. e2uine fa%e .as despondent as he
informed )ossarian that the ne. offi%ers .ould ha$e to !e admitted"
Sergeant To.ser .as not permitted to re2uisition another si49man tent from
6roup .hile )ossarian .as li$ing in one alone"
1#1m not li$ing in this one alone,1 )ossarian said .ith a sul'" 1#1$e got a dead
man in here .ith me" His name is Mudd"1
1Please, sir,1 !egged Sergeant To.ser, sighing .earily, .ith a sidelong
glan%e at the four !affled ne. offi%ers listening in mystified silen%e /ust
outside the entran%e" 1Mudd .as 'illed on the mission to (r$ieto" )ou 'no.
that" He .as flying right !eside you"1
1Then .hy don1t you mo$e his things out51
13e%ause he ne$er e$en got here" Captain, please don1t !ring that up again"
)ou %an mo$e in .ith &ieutenant ,ately if you li'e" #1ll e$en send some men
from the orderly room to transfer your !elongings"1
3ut to a!andon (rr1s tent .ould !e to a!andon (rr, .ho .ould ha$e !een
spurned and humiliated %lannishly !y these four simple9minded offi%ers
.aiting to mo$e in" #t did not seem /ust that these !oisterous, immature
young men should sho. up after all the .or' .as done and !e allo.ed to
ta'e possession of the most desira!le tent on the island" 3ut that .as the
la., Sergeant To.ser e4plained, and all )ossarian %ould do .as glare at
them in !aleful apology as he made room for them and $olunteer helpful
penitent hints as they mo$ed inside his pri$a%y and made themsel$es at
home"
They .ere the most depressing group of people )ossarian had e$er !een
.ith" They .ere al.ays in high spirits" They laughed at e$erything" They
%alled him 1)o9)o1 /o%ularly and %ame in tipsy late at night and .o'e him up
.ith their %lumsy, !umping, giggling efforts to !e 2uiet, then !om!arded him
.ith asinine shouts of hilarious good9fello.ship .hen he sat up %ursing to
%omplain" He .anted to massa%re them ea%h time they did" They reminded
him of -onald -u%'1s nephe.s" They .ere afraid of )ossarian and
perse%uted him in%essantly .ith nagging generosity and .ith their
e4asperating insisten%e on doing small fa$ors for him" They .ere re%'less,
puerile, %ongenial, nai$e, presumptuous, deferential and ram!un%tious"
They .ere dum!A they had no %omplaints" They admired Colonel Cath%art
and they found Colonel >orn .itty" They .ere afraid of )ossarian, !ut they
.ere not the least !it afraid of Colonel Cath%art1s se$enty missions" They
.ere four %lean9%ut 'ids .ho .ere ha$ing lots of fun, and they .ere dri$ing
)ossarian nuts" He %ould not ma'e them understand that he .as a
%rot%hety old fogey of t.enty9eight, that he !elonged to another generation,
another era, another .orld, that ha$ing a good time !ored him and .as not
.orth the effort, and that they !ored him, too" He %ould not ma'e them shut
upA they .ere .orse than .omen" They had not !rains enough to !e
intro$erted and repressed"
Cronies of theirs in other s2uadrons !egan dropping in unashamedly and
using the tent as a hangout" There .as often not room enough for him"
;orst of all, he %ould no longer !ring ,urse -u%'ett there to lie do.n .ith
her" +nd no. that foul .eather had %ome, he had no pla%e elseB This .as a
%alamity he had not foreseen, and he .anted to !ust his roommates1 heads
open .ith his fists or pi%' them up, ea%h in turn, !y the seats of their pants
and the s%ruffs of their ne%'s and pit%h them out on%e and for all into the
dan', ru!!ery perennial .eeds gro.ing !et.een his rusty soup%an urinal
.ith nail holes in the !ottom and the 'notty9pine s2uadron latrine that stood
li'e a !ea%h lo%'er not far a.ay"
#nstead of !usting their heads open, he tramped in his galoshes and !la%'
rain%oat through the dri00ling dar'ness to in$ite Chief ;hite Halfoat to
mo$e in .ith him, too, and dri$e the fastidious, %lean9li$ing !astards out
.ith his threats and s.inish ha!its" 3ut Chief ;hite Halfoat felt %old and
.as already ma'ing plans to mo$e up into the hospital to die of pneumonia"
#nstin%t told Chief ;hite Halfoat it .as almost time" His %hest a%hed and he
%oughed %hroni%ally" ;his'ey no longer .armed him" Most damning of all,
Captain 7lume had mo$ed !a%' into his trailer" Here .as an omen of
unmista'a!le meaning"
1He had to mo$e !a%',1 )ossarian argued in a $ain effort to %heer up the
glum, !arrel9%hested #ndian, .hose .ell9'nit sorrel9red fa%e had
degenerated rapidly into a dilapidated, %al%areous gray" 1He1d die of
e4posure if he tried to li$e in the .oods in this .eather"1
1,o, that .ouldn1t dri$e the yello.!elly !a%',1 Chief ;hite Halfoat disagreed
o!stinately" He tapped his forehead .ith %rypti% insight" 1,o, sirree" He
'no.s something" He 'no.s it1s time for me to die of pneumonia, that1s
.hat he 'no.s" +nd that1s ho. # 'no. it1s time"1
1;hat does -o% -anee'a say51
1#1m not allo.ed to say anything,1 -o% -anee'a said sorro.fully from his
seat on his stool in the shado.s of a %orner, his smooth, tapered,
diminuti$e fa%e turtle9green in the fli%'ering %andlelight" $erything smelled
of milde." The !ul! in the tent had !lo.n out se$eral days !efore, and
neither of the t.o men had !een a!le to muster the initiati$e to repla%e it"
1#1m not allo.ed to pra%ti%e medi%ine any more,1 -o% -anee'a added"
1He1s dead,1 Chief ;hite Halfoat gloated, .ith a horse laugh entangled in
phlegm" 1That1s really funny"1
1# don1t e$en dra. my pay any more"1
1That1s really funny,1 Chief ;hite Halfoat repeated" 1+ll this time he1s !een
insulting my li$er, and loo' .hat happened to him" He1s dead" >illed !y his
o.n greed"1
1That1s not .hat 'illed me,1 -o% -anee'a o!ser$ed in a $oi%e that .as %alm
and flat" 1There1s nothing .rong .ith greed" #t1s all that lousy -r" Stu!!s1
fault, getting Colonel Cath%art and Colonel >orn stirred up against flight
surgeons" He1s going to gi$e the medi%al profession a !ad name !y
standing up for prin%iple" #f he1s not %areful, he1ll !e !la%'9!alled !y his state
medi%al asso%iation and 'ept out of the hospitals"1
)ossarian .at%hed Chief ;hite Halfoat pour .his'ey %arefully into three
empty shampoo !ottles and store them a.ay in the musette !ag he .as
pa%'ing"
1Can1t you stop !y my tent on your .ay up to the hospital and pun%h one of
them in the nose for me51 he spe%ulated aloud" 1#1$e got four of them, and
they1re going to %ro.d me out of my tent altogether"1
1)ou 'no., something li'e that on%e happened to my .hole tri!e,1 Chief
;hite Halfoat remar'ed in /olly appre%iation, sitting !a%' on his %ot to
%hu%'le" 1;hy don1t you get Captain 3la%' to 'i%' those 'ids out5 Captain
3la%' li'es to 'i%' people out"1
)ossarian grima%ed sourly at the mere mention of Captain 3la%', .ho .as
already !ullying the ne. fliers ea%h time they stepped into his intelligen%e
tent for maps or information" )ossarian1s attitude to.ard his roommates
turned mer%iful and prote%ti$e at the mere re%olle%tion of Captain 3la%'" #t
.as not their fault that they .ere young and %heerful, he reminded himself
as he %arried the s.inging !eam of his flashlight !a%' through the
dar'ness" He .ished that he %ould !e young and %heerful, too" +nd it
.asn1t their fault that they .ere %ourageous, %onfident and %arefree" He
.ould /ust ha$e to !e patient .ith them until one or t.o .ere 'illed and the
rest .ounded, and then they .ould all turn out o'ay" He $o.ed to !e more
tolerant and !ene$olent, !ut .hen he du%'ed inside his tent .ith his
friendlier attitude a great !la0e .as roaring in the firepla%e, and he gasped
in horrified ama0ement" (rr's beautiful birch logs #ere going up in
smoke His roommates had set fire to themB He gaped at the four
insensiti$e o$erheated fa%es and .anted to shout %urses at them" He
.anted to !ang their heads together as they greeted him .ith loud %on$i$ial
%ries and in$ited him generously to pull up a %hair and eat their %hestnuts
and roasted potatoes" ;hat %ould he do .ith them5
+nd the $ery ne4t morning they got rid of the dead man in his tentB Just li'e
that, they .his'ed him a.ayB They %arried his %ot and all his !elongings
right out into the !ushes and simply dumped them there, and then they
strode !a%' slapping their hands !ris'ly at a /o! .ell done" )ossarian .as
stunned !y their o$er!earing $igor and 0eal, !y their pra%ti%al, dire%t
effi%ien%y" #n a matter of moments they had disposed energeti%ally of a
pro!lem .ith .hi%h )ossarian and Sergeant To.ser had !een grappling
unsu%%essfully for months" )ossarian .as alarmed = they might get rid of
him /ust as 2ui%'ly, he feared = and ran to Hungry Joe and fled .ith him to
*ome the day !efore ,ately1s .hore finally got a good night1s sleep and
.o'e up in lo$e"
0ately1s Whore
He missed ,urse -u%'ett in *ome" There .as not mu%h else to do after
Hungry Joe left on his mail run" )ossarian missed ,urse -u%'ett so mu%h
that he .ent sear%hing hungrily through the streets for &u%iana, .hose
laugh and in$isi!le s%ar he had ne$er forgotten, or the !oo0y, !lo.0y,
!leary9eyed floo0y in the o$erloaded .hite !rassiMre and un!uttoned
orange satin !louse .hose naughty salmon9%olored %ameo ring +arfy had
thro.n a.ay so %allously through the .indo. of her %ar" Ho. he yearned
for !oth girlsB He loo'ed for them in $ain" He .as so deeply in lo$e .ith
them, and he 'ne. he .ould ne$er see either again" -espair gna.ed at
him" Fisions !eset him" He .anted ,urse -u%'ett .ith her dress up and her
slim thighs !are to the hips" He !anged a thin street.al'er .ith a .et %ough
.ho pi%'ed him up from an alley !et.een hotels, !ut that .as no fun at all
and he hastened to the enlisted men1s apartment for the fat, friendly maid in
the lime9%olored panties, .ho .as o$er/oyed to see him !ut %ouldn1t arouse
him" He .ent to !ed there early and slept alone" He .o'e up disappointed
and !anged a sassy, short, %hu!!y girl he found in the apartment after
!rea'fast, !ut that .as only a little !etter, and he %hased her a.ay .hen
he1d finished and .ent !a%' to sleep" He napped till lun%h and then .ent
shopping for presents for ,urse -u%'ett and a s%arf for the maid in the
lime9%oloured panties, .ho hugged him .ith su%h gargantuan gratitude that
he .as soon hot for ,urse -u%'ett and ran loo'ing le%herously for &u%iana
again" #nstead he found +arfy, .ho had landed in *ome .hen Hungry Joe
returned .ith -un!ar, ,ately and -o!!s, and .ho .ould not go along on
the drun'en foray that night to res%ue ,ately1s .hore from the middle9aged
military !ig shots holding her %apti$e in a hotel !e%ause she .ould not say
un%le"
1;hy should # ris' getting into trou!le /ust to help her out51 +arfy demanded
haughtily" 13ut don1t tell ,ately # said that" Tell him # had to 'eep an
appointment .ith some $ery important fraternity !rothers"1
The middle9aged !ig shots .ould not let ,ately1s .hore lea$e until they
made her say un%le"
1Say un%le,1 they said to her"
1:n%le,1 she said"
1,o, no" Say un%le"1
1:n%le,1 she said"
1She still doesn1t understand"1
1)ou still don1t understand, do you5 ;e %an1t really ma'e you say un%le
unless you don1t .ant to say un%le" -on1t you see5 -on1t say un%le .hen #
tell you to say un%le" ('ay5 Say un%le"1
1:n%le,1 she said"
1,o, don1t say un%le" Say un%le"1
She didn1t say un%le"
1That1s goodB1
1That1s $ery good"1
1#t1s a start" ,o. say un%le"1
1:n%le,1 she said"
1#t1s no good"1
1,o, it1s no good that .ay either" She /ust isn1t impressed .ith us" There1s
/ust no fun ma'ing her say un%le .hen she doesn1t %are .hether .e ma'e
her say un%le or not"1
1,o, she really doesn1t %are, does she5 Say Gfoot"G 1
17oot"1
1)ou see5 She doesn1t %are a!out anything .e do" She doesn1t %are a!out
us" ;e don1t mean a thing to you, do .e51
1:n%le,1 she said"
She didn1t %are a!out them a !it, and it upset them terri!ly" They shoo' her
roughly ea%h time she ya.ned" She did not seem to %are a!out anything,
not e$en .hen they threatened to thro. her out the .indo." They .ere
utterly demorali0ed men of distin%tion" She .as !ored and indifferent and
.anted $ery mu%h to sleep" She had !een on the /o! for t.enty9t.o hours,
and she .as sorry that these men had not permitted her to lea$e .ith the
other t.o girls .ith .hom the orgy had !egun" She .ondered $aguely .hy
they .anted her to laugh .hen they laughed, and .hy they .anted her to
en/oy it .hen they made lo$e to her" #t .as all $ery mysterious to her, and
$ery uninteresting"
She .as not sure .hat they .anted from her" a%h time she slumped o$er
.ith her eyes %losed they shoo' her a.a'e and made her say 1un%le1 again"
a%h time she said 1un%le,1 they .ere disappointed" She .ondered .hat
1un%le1 meant" She sat on the sofa in a passi$e, phlegmati% stupor, her
mouth open and all her %lothing %rumpled in a %orner on the floor, and
.ondered ho. mu%h longer they .ould sit around na'ed .ith her and ma'e
her say un%le in the elegant hotel suite to .hi%h (rr1s old girl friend, giggling
un%ontrolla!ly at )ossarian1s and -un!ar1s drun'en anti%s, guided ,ately
and the other mem!ers of the motley res%ue party"
-un!ar s2uee0ed (rr1s old girl friend1s fanny gratefully and passed her
!a%' to )ossarian, .ho propped her against the door /am! .ith !oth hands
on her hips and .ormed himself against her las%i$iously until ,ately sei0ed
him !y the arm and pulled him a.ay from her into the !lue sitting room,
.here -un!ar .as already hurling e$erything in sight out the .indo. into
the %ourt" -o!!s .as smashing furniture .ith an ash stand" + nude,
ridi%ulous man .ith a !lushing appende%tomy s%ar appeared in the
door.ay suddenly and !ello.ed"
1;hat1s going on here51
1)our toes are dirty,1 -un!ar said"
The man %o$ered his groin .ith !oth hands and shran' from $ie." -un!ar,
-o!!s and Hungry Joe /ust 'ept dumping e$erything they %ould lift out the
.indo. .ith great, ho.ling .hoops of happy a!andon" They soon finished
.ith the %lothing on the %ou%hes and the luggage on the floor, and they
.ere ransa%'ing a %edar %loset .hen the door to the inner room opened
again and a man .ho .as $ery distinguished9loo'ing from the ne%' up
padded into $ie. imperiously on !are feet"
1Here, you, stop that,1 he !ar'ed" 1Just .hat do you men thin' you1re doing51
1)our toes are dirty,1 -un!ar said to him"
The man %o$ered his groin as the first one had done and disappeared"
,ately %harged after him, !ut .as !lo%'ed !y the first offi%er, .ho plodded
!a%' in holding a pillo. in front of him, li'e a !u!!le dan%er"
1Hey, you menB1 he roared angrily" 1Stop itB1
1Stop it,1 -un!ar replied"
1That1s .hat # said"1
1That1s .hat # said,1 -un!ar said"
The offi%er stamped his foot petulantly, turning .ea' .ith frustration" 1+re
you deli!erately repeating e$erything # say51
1+re you deli!erately repeating e$erything # say51
1#1ll thrash you"1 The man raised a fist"
1#1ll thrash you,1 -un!ar .arned him %oldly" 1)ou1re a 6erman spy, and #1m
going to ha$e you shot"1
16erman spy5 #1m an +meri%an %olonel"1
1)ou don1t loo' li'e an +meri%an %olonel" )ou loo' li'e a fat man .ith a
pillo. in front of him" ;here1s your uniform, if you1re an +meri%an %olonel51
1)ou /ust thre. it out the .indo."1
1+ll right, men,1 -un!ar said" 1&o%' the silly !astard up" Ta'e the silly
!astard do.n to the station house and thro. a.ay the 'ey"1
The %olonel !lan%hed .ith alarm" 1+re you all %ra0y5 ;here1s your !adge5
Hey, youB Come !a%' in hereB1
3ut he .hirled too late to stop ,ately, .ho had glimpsed his girl sitting on
the sofa in the other room and had darted through the door.ay !ehind his
!a%'" The others poured through after him right into the midst of the other
na'ed !ig shots" Hungry Joe laughed hysteri%ally .hen he sa. them,
pointing in dis!elief at one after the other and %lasping his head and sides"
T.o .ith fleshy physi2ues ad$an%ed tru%ulently until they spied the loo' of
mean disli'e and hostility on -o!!s and -un!ar and noti%ed that -o!!s
.as still s.inging li'e a t.o9handed %lu! the .rought9iron ash stand he had
used to smash things in the sitting room" ,ately .as already at his girl1s
side" She stared at him .ithout re%ognition for a fe. se%onds" Then she
smiled faintly and let her head sin' to his shoulder .ith her eyes %losed"
,ately .as in e%stasyA she had ne$er smiled at him !efore"
17ilpo,1 said a %alm, slender, /aded9loo'ing man .ho had not e$en stirred
from his arm%hair" 1)ou don1t o!ey orders" # told you to get them out, and
you1$e gone and !rought them in" Can1t you see the differen%e51
1They1$e thro.n our things out the .indo., 6eneral"1
16ood for them" (ur uniforms too5 That .as %le$er" ;e1ll ne$er !e a!le to
%on$in%e anyone .e1re superior .ithout our uniforms"1
1&et1s get their names, &ou, and =1
1(h, ,ed, rela4,1 said the slender man .ith pra%ti%ed .eariness" 1)ou may
!e pretty good at mo$ing armored di$isions into a%tion, !ut you1re almost
useless in a so%ial situation" Sooner or later .e1ll get our uniforms !a%', and
then .e1ll !e their superiors again" -id they really thro. our uniforms out5
That .as a splendid ta%ti%"1
1They thre. e$erything out"1
1The ones in the %loset, too51
1They thre. the %loset out, 6eneral" That .as that %rash .e heard .hen .e
thought they .ere %oming in to 'ill us"1
1+nd #1ll thro. you out ne4t,1 -un!ar threatened"
The general paled slightly" 1;hat the de$il is he so mad a!out51 he as'ed
)ossarian"
1He means it, too,1 )ossarian said" 1)ou1d !etter let the girl lea$e"1
1&ord, ta'e her,1 e4%laimed the general .ith relief" 1+ll she1s done is ma'e us
feel inse%ure" +t least she might ha$e disli'ed or resented us for the
hundred dollars .e paid her" 3ut she .ouldn1t e$en do that" )our
handsome young friend there seems 2uite atta%hed to her" ,oti%e the .ay
he lets his fingers linger on the inside of her thighs as he pretends to roll up
her sto%'ings"1
,ately, %aught in the a%t, !lushed guiltily and mo$ed more 2ui%'ly through
the steps of dressing her" She .as sound asleep and !reathed so regularly
that she seemed to !e snoring softly"
1&et1s %harge her no., &ouB1 urged another offi%er" 1;e1$e got more
personnel, and .e %an en%ir%le =1
1(h, no, 3ill,1 ans.ered the general .ith a sigh" 1)ou may !e a .i0ard at
dire%ting a pin%er mo$ement in good .eather on le$el terrain against an
enemy that has already %ommitted his reser$es, !ut you don1t al.ays thin'
so %learly any.here else" ;hy should .e .ant to 'eep her51
16eneral, .e1re in a $ery !ad strategi% position" ;e ha$en1t got a stit%h of
%lothing, and it1s going to !e $ery degrading and em!arrassing for the
person .ho has to go do.nstairs through the lo!!y to get some"1
1)es, 7ilpo, you1re 2uite right,1 said the general" 1+nd that1s e4a%tly .hy
you1re the one to do it" 6et going"1
1,a'ed, sir51
1Ta'e your pillo. .ith you if you .ant to" +nd get some %igarettes, too,
.hile you1re do.nstairs pi%'ing up my under.ear and pants, .ill you51
1#1ll send e$erything up for you,1 )ossarian offered"
1There, 6eneral,1 said 7ilpo .ith relief" 1,o. # .on1t ha$e to go"1
17ilpo, you nit.it" Can1t you see he1s lying51
1+re you lying51
)ossarian nodded, and 7ilpo1s faith .as shattered" )ossarian laughed and
helped ,ately .al' his girl out into the %orridor and into the ele$ator" Her
fa%e .as smiling as though .ith a lo$ely dream as she slept .ith her head
still resting on ,ately1s shoulder" -o!!s and -un!ar ran out into the street
to stop a %a!"
,ately1s .hore loo'ed up .hen they left the %ar" She s.allo.ed dryly
se$eral times during the arduous tre' up the stairs to her apartment, !ut
she .as sleeping soundly again !y the time ,ately undressed her and put
her to !ed" She slept for eighteen hours, .hile ,ately dashed a!out the
apartment all the ne4t morning shushing e$ery!ody in sight, and .hen she
.o'e up she .as deeply in lo$e .ith him" #n the last analysis, that .as all it
too' to .in her heart = a good night1s sleep"
The girl smiled .ith %ontentment .hen she opened her eyes and sa. him,
and then, stret%hing her long legs languorously !eneath the rustling sheets,
!e%'oned him into !ed !eside her .ith that loo' of simpering idio%y of a
.oman in heat" ,ately mo$ed to her in a happy da0e, so o$er%ome .ith
rapture that he hardly minded .hen her 'id sister interrupted him again !y
flying into the room and flinging herself do.n onto the !ed !et.een them"
,ately1s .hore slapped and %ursed her, !ut this time .ith laughter and
generous affe%tion, and ,ately settled !a%' smugly .ith an arm a!out ea%h,
feeling strong and prote%ti$e" They made a .onderful family group, he
de%ided" The little girl .ould go to %ollege .hen she .as old enough, to
Smith or *ad%liffe or 3ryn Ma.r = he .ould see to that" ,ately !ounded
out of !ed after a fe. minutes to announ%e his good fortune to his friends at
the top of his $oi%e" He %alled to them /u!ilantly to %ome to the room and
slammed the door in their startled fa%es as soon as they arri$ed" He had
remem!ered /ust in time that his girl had no %lothes on"
16et dressed,1 he ordered her, %ongratulating himself on his alertness"
'.erch/"' she as'ed %uriously"
'.erch/"' he repeated .ith an indulgent %hu%'le" 13e%ause # don1t .ant
them to see you .ithout any %lothes on"1
'.erch/ no"' she in2uired"
'.erch/ no"' He loo'ed at her .ith astonishment" 13e%ause it isn1t right for
other men to see you na'ed, that1s .hy"1
'.erch/ no"'
13e%ause # say noB1 ,ately e4ploded in frustration" 1,o. don1t argue .ith me"
#1m the man and you ha$e to do .hate$er # say" 7rom no. on, # for!id you
e$er to go out of this room unless you ha$e all your %lothes on" #s that
%lear51
,ately1s .hore loo'ed at him as though he .ere insane" 1+re you
%ra0y5 'he succede"1
1# mean e$ery .ord # say"1
',u sei pa--o' she shouted at him .ith in%redulous indignation, and sprang
out of !ed" Snarling unintelligi!ly, she snapped on panties and strode
to.ard the door"
,ately dre. himself up .ith full manly authority" 1# for!id you to lea$e this
room that .ay,1 he informed her"
',u sei pa--o' she shot !a%' at him, after he had left, sha'ing her head in
dis!elief" ':diota ,u sei un pa--o imbecille'
',u sei pa--o,' said her thin 'id sister, starting out after her in the same
haughty .al'"
1)ou %ome !a%' here,1 ,ately ordered her" 1# for!id you to go out that .ay,
tooB1
':diota' the 'id sister %alled !a%' at him .ith dignity after she had floun%ed
past" ',u sei un pa--o imbecille.'
,ately fumed in %ir%les of distra%ted helplessness for se$eral se%onds and
then sprinted out into the sitting room to for!id his friends to loo' at his girl
friend .hile she %omplained a!out him in only her panties"
1;hy not51 as'ed -un!ar"
1;hy not51 e4%laimed ,ately" 13e%ause she1s my girl no., and it isn1t right
for you to see her unless she1s fully dressed"1
1;hy not51 as'ed -un!ar"
1)ou see51 said his girl .ith a shrug" 'Lui / pa--o'
'Si, / molto pa--o,' e%hoed her 'id sister"
1Then ma'e her 'eep her %lothes on if you don1t .ant us to see her,1 argued
Hungry Joe" 1;hat the hell do you .ant from us51
1She .on1t listen to me,1 ,ately %onfessed sheepishly" 1So from no. on
you1ll all ha$e to shut your eyes or loo' in the other dire%tion .hen she
%omes in that .ay" ('ay51
'Madonn'' %ried his girl in e4asperation, and stamped out of the room"
'Madonn'' %ried her 'id sister, and stamped out !ehind her"
'Lui / pa--o,' )ossarian o!ser$ed good9naturedly" 1# %ertainly ha$e to admit
it"1
1Hey, you %ra0y or something51 Hungry Joe demanded of ,ately" 1The ne4t
thing you 'no. you1ll !e trying to ma'e her gi$e up hustling"1
17rom no. on,1 ,ately said to his girl, 1# for!id you to go out hustling"1
'.erch/"' she in2uired %uriously"
'.erch/"' he s%reamed .ith ama0ement" 13e%ause it1s not ni%e, that1s .hyB1
'.erch/ no"'
13e%ause it /ust isn1tB1 ,ately insisted" 1#t /ust isn1t right for a ni%e girl li'e you
to go loo'ing for other men to sleep .ith" #1ll gi$e you all the money you
need, so you .on1t ha$e to do it any more"1
1+nd .hat .ill # do all day instead51
1-o51 said ,ately" 1)ou1ll do .hat all your friends do"1
1My friends go loo'ing for men to sleep .ith"1
1Then get ne. friendsB # don1t e$en .ant you to asso%iate .ith girls li'e that,
any.ay" Prostitution is !adB $ery!ody 'no.s that, e$en him"1 He turned
.ith %onfiden%e to the e4perien%ed old man" 1+m # right51
1)ou1re .rong,1 ans.ered the old man" 1Prostitution gi$es her an opportunity
to meet people" #t pro$ides fresh air and .holesome e4er%ise, and it 'eeps
her out of trou!le"1
17rom no. on,1 ,ately de%lared sternly to his girl friend, 1# for!id you to ha$e
anything to do .ith that .i%'ed old man"1
'*a fongul' his girl replied, rolling her harassed eyes up to.ard the %eiling"
1;hat does he .ant from me51 she implored, sha'ing her
fists" 'Lasciami' she told him in mena%ing entreaty" 1Stupido #f you thin' my
friends are so !ad, go tell your friends not to fi%'y9fi%' all the time .ith my
friendsB1
17rom no. on,1 ,ately told his friends, 1# thin' you fello.s ought to stop
running around .ith her friends and settle do.n"1
'Madonn'' %ried his friends, rolling their harassed eyes up to.ard the
%eiling"
,ately had gone %lear out of his mind" He .anted them all to fall in lo$e
right a.ay and get married" -un!ar %ould marry (rr1s .hore, and )ossarian
%ould fall in lo$e .ith ,urse -u%'ett or anyone else he li'ed" +fter the .ar
they %ould all .or' for ,ately1s father and !ring up their %hildren in the same
su!ur!" ,ately sa. it all $ery %learly" &o$e had transmogrified him into a
romanti% idiot, and they dro$e him a.ay !a%' into the !edroom to .rangle
.ith his girl o$er Captain 3la%'" She agreed not to go to !ed .ith Captain
3la%' again or gi$e him any more of ,ately1s money, !ut she .ould not
!udge an in%h on her friendship .ith the ugly, ill9'empt, dissipated, filthy9
minded old man, .ho .itnessed ,ately1s flo.ering lo$e affair .ith insulting
derision and .ould not admit that Congress .as the greatest deli!erati$e
!ody in the .hole .orld"
17rom no. on,1 ,ately ordered his girl firmly, 1# a!solutely for!id you e$en to
spea' to that disgusting old man"1
1+gain the old man51 %ried the girl in .ailing %onfusion" '.erch/ no"'
1He doesn1t li'e the House of *epresentati$es"1
1Mamma mia ;hat1s the matter .ith you51
'< pa--o,' o!ser$ed her 'id sister philosophi%ally" 1That1s .hat1s the matter
.ith him"1
'Si,' the older girl agreed readily, tearing at her long !ro.n hair .ith !oth
hands" 'Lui / pa--o.'
3ut she missed ,ately .hen he .as a.ay and .as furious .ith )ossarian
.hen he pun%hed ,ately in the fa%e .ith all his might and 'no%'ed him into
the hospital .ith a !ro'en nose"
Thanksgiving
#t .as a%tually all Sergeant >night1s fault that )ossarian !usted ,ately in
the nose on Than'sgi$ing -ay, after e$eryone in the s2uadron had gi$en
hum!le than's to Milo for pro$iding the fantasti%ally opulent meal on .hi%h
the offi%ers and enlisted men had gorged themsel$es insatia!ly all
afternoon and for dispensing li'e ine4hausti!le largess the unopened
!ottles of %heap .his'ey he handed out unsparingly to e$ery man .ho
as'ed" $en !efore dar', young soldiers .ith pasty .hite fa%es .ere
thro.ing up e$ery.here and passing out drun'enly on the ground" The air
turned foul" (ther men pi%'ed up steam as the hours passed, and the
aimless, riotous %ele!ration %ontinued" #t .as a ra., $iolent, gu00ling
saturnalia that spilled o!streperously through the .oods to the offi%ers1 %lu!
and spread up into the hills to.ard the hospital and the antiair%raft9gun
empla%ements" There .ere fist fights in the s2uadron and one sta!!ing"
Corporal >olodny shot himself through the leg in the intelligen%e tent .hile
playing .ith a loaded gun and had his gums and toes painted purple in the
speeding am!ulan%e as he lay on his !a%' .ith the !lood spurting from his
.ound" Men .ith %ut fingers, !leeding heads, stoma%h %ramps and !ro'en
an'les %ame limping penitently up to the medi%al tent to ha$e their gums
and toes painted purple !y 6us and ;es and !e gi$en a la4ati$e to thro.
into the !ushes" The /oyous %ele!ration lasted long into the night, and the
stillness .as fra%tured often !y .ild, e4ultant shouts and !y the %ries of
people .ho .ere merry or si%'" There .as the re%urring sound of ret%hing
and moaning, of laughter, greetings, threats and s.earing, and of !ottles
shattering against ro%'" There .ere dirty songs in the distan%e" #t .as
.orse than ,e. )ear1s $e"
)ossarian .ent to !ed early for safety and soon dreamed that he .as
fleeing almost headlong do.n an endless .ooden stair%ase, ma'ing a loud,
sta%%ato %latter .ith his heels" Then he .o'e up a little and reali0ed
someone .as shooting at him .ith a ma%hine gun" + tortured, terrified so!
rose in his throat" His first thought .as that Milo .as atta%'ing the s2uadron
again, and he rolled of his %ot to the floor and lay underneath in a trem!ling,
praying !all, his heart thumping li'e a drop forge, his !ody !athed in a %old
s.eat" There .as no noise of planes" + drun'en, happy laugh sounded
from afar" 1Happy ,e. )ear, Happy ,e. )earB1 a triumphant familiar $oi%e
shouted hilariously from high a!o$e !et.een the short, sharp !ursts of
ma%hine gun fire, and )ossarian understood that some men had gone as a
pran' to one of the sand!agged ma%hine9gun empla%ements Milo had
installed in the hills after his raid on the s2uadron and staffed .ith his o.n
men"
)ossarian !la0ed .ith hatred and .rath .hen he sa. he .as the $i%tim of
an irresponsi!le /o'e that had destroyed his sleep and redu%ed him to a
.himpering hul'" He .anted to 'ill, he .anted to murder" He .as angrier
than he had e$er !een !efore, angrier e$en than .hen he had slid his
hands around M%;att1s ne%' to strangle him" The gun opened fire again"
Foi%es %ried 1Happy ,e. )earB1 and gloating laughter rolled do.n from the
hills through the dar'ness li'e a .it%h1s glee" #n mo%%asins and %o$eralls,
)ossarian %harged out of his tent for re$enge .ith his "C5, ramming a %lip of
%artridges up into the grip and slamming the !olt of the gun !a%' to load it"
He snapped off the safety %at%h and .as ready to shoot" He heard ,ately
running after him to restrain him, %alling his name" The ma%hine gun
opened fire on%e more from a !la%' rise a!o$e the motor pool, and orange
tra%er !ullets s'immed li'e lo.9gliding dashes o$er the tops of the shado.y
tents, almost %lipping the pea's" *oars of rough laughter rang out again
!et.een the short !ursts" )ossarian felt resentment !oil li'e a%id inside
himA they .ere endangering his life, the !astardsB ;ith !lind, fero%ious rage
and determination, he ra%ed a%ross the s2uadron past the motor pool,
running as fast as he %ould, and .as already pounding up into the hills
along the narro., .inding path .hen ,ately finally %aught up, still %alling
1)o9)oB )o9)oB1 .ith pleading %on%ern and imploring him to stop" He
grasped )ossarian1s shoulders and tried to hold him !a%'" )ossarian
t.isted free, turning" ,ately rea%hed for him again, and )ossarian dro$e his
fist s2uarely into ,ately1s deli%ate young fa%e as hard as he %ould, %ursing
him, then dre. his arm !a%' to hit him again, !ut ,ately had dropped out of
sight .ith a groan and lay %urled up on the ground .ith his head !uried in
!oth hands and !lood streaming !et.een his fingers" )ossarian .hirled and
plunged ahead up the path .ithout loo'ing !a%'"
Soon he sa. the ma%hine gun" T.o figures leaped up in silhouette .hen
they heard him and fled into the night .ith taunting laughter !efore he %ould
get there" He .as too late" Their footsteps re%eded, lea$ing the %ir%le of
sand!ags empty and silent in the %risp and .indless moonlight" He loo'ed
a!out de/e%tedly" Jeering laughter %ame to him again, from a distan%e" +
t.ig snapped near!y" )ossarian dropped to his 'nees .ith a %old thrill of
elation and aimed" He heard a stealthy rustle of lea$es on the other side of
the sand!ags and fired t.o 2ui%' rounds" Someone fired !a%' at him on%e,
and he re%ogni0ed the shot"
1-un!ar5 he %alled"
1)ossarian51
The t.o men left their hiding pla%es and .al'ed for.ard to meet in the
%learing .ith .eary disappointment, their guns do.n" They .ere !oth
shi$ering slightly from the frosty air and .hee0ing from the la!or of their
uphill rush"
1The !astards,1 said )ossarian" 1They got a.ay"1
1They too' ten years off my life,1 -un!ar e4%laimed" 1# thought that son of a
!it%h Milo .as !om!ing us again" #1$e ne$er !een so s%ared" # .ish # 'ne.
.ho the !astards .ere"
1(ne .as Sergeant >night"1
1&et1s go 'ill him"1 -un!ar1s teeth .ere %hattering" 1He had no right to s%are
us that .ay"1
)ossarian no longer .anted to 'ill anyone" 1&et1s help ,ately first" # thin' #
hurt him at the !ottom of the hill"1
3ut there .as no sign of ,ately along the path, e$en though )ossarian
lo%ated the right spot !y the !lood on the stones" ,ately .as not in his tent
either, and they did not %at%h up .ith him until the ne4t morning .hen they
%he%'ed into the hospital as patients after learning he had %he%'ed in .ith a
!ro'en nose the night !efore" ,ately !eamed in frightened surprise as they
padded into the .ard in their slippers and ro!es !ehind ,urse Cramer and
.ere assigned to their !eds" ,ately1s nose .as in a !ul'y %ast, and he had
t.o !la%' eyes" He 'ept !lushing giddily in shy em!arrassment and saying
he .as sorry .hen )ossarian %ame o$er to apologi0e for hitting him"
)ossarian felt terri!leA he %ould hardly !ear to loo' at ,ately1s !attered
%ountenan%e, e$en though the sight .as so %omi%al he .as tempted to
guffa." -un!ar .as disgusted !y their sentimentality, and all three .ere
relie$ed .hen Hungry Joe %ame !arging in une4pe%tedly .ith his intri%ate
!la%' %amera and trumped9up symptoms of appendi%itis to !e near enough
to )ossarian to ta'e pi%tures of him feeling up ,urse -u%'ett" &i'e
)ossarian, he .as soon disappointed" ,urse -u%'ett had de%ided to marry
a do%tor = any do%tor, !e%ause they all did so .ell in !usiness = and
.ould not ta'e %han%es in the $i%inity of the man .ho might someday !e
her hus!and" Hungry Joe .as irate and in%onsola!le until = of all people
= the %haplain .as led in .earing a maroon %orduroy !athro!e, shining li'e
a s'inny lighthouse .ith a radiant grin of self9satisfa%tion too tremendous to
!e %on%ealed" The %haplain had entered the hospital .ith a pain in his heart
that the do%tors thought .as gas in his stoma%h and .ith an ad$an%ed %ase
of ;is%onsin shingles"
1;hat in the .orld are ;is%onsin shingles51 as'ed )ossarian"
1That1s /ust .hat the do%tors .anted to 'no.B1 !lurted out the %haplain
proudly, and !urst into laughter" ,o one had e$er seen him so .aggish, or
so happy" 1There1s no su%h thing as ;is%onsin shingles" -on1t you
understand5 # lied" # made a deal .ith the do%tors" # promised that # .ould
let them 'no. .hen my ;is%onsin shingles .ent a.ay if they .ould
promise not to do anything to %ure them" # ne$er told a lie !efore" #sn1t it
.onderful51
The %haplain had sinned, and it .as good" Common sense told him that
telling lies and defe%ting from duty .ere sins" (n the other hand, e$eryone
'ne. that sin .as e$il, and that no good %ould %ome from e$il" 3ut he did
feel goodA he felt positi$ely mar$elous" Conse2uently, it follo.ed logi%ally
that telling lies and defe%ting from duty %ould not !e sins" The %haplain had
mastered, in a moment of di$ine intuition, the handy te%hni2ue of prote%ti$e
rationali0ation, and he .as e4hilarated !y his dis%o$ery" #t .as mira%ulous"
#t .as almost no tri%' at all, he sa., to turn $i%e into $irtue and slander into
truth, impoten%e into a!stinen%e, arrogan%e into humility, plunder into
philanthropy, thie$ery into honor, !lasphemy into .isdom, !rutality into
patriotism, and sadism into /usti%e" +ny!ody %ould do itA it re2uired no
!rains at all" #t merely re2uired no %hara%ter" ;ith effer$es%ent agility the
%haplain ran through the .hole gamut of orthodo4 immoralities, .hile ,ately
sat up in !ed .ith flushed elation, astounded !y the mad gang of
%ompanions of .hi%h he found himself the nu%leus" He .as flattered and
apprehensi$e, %ertain that some se$ere offi%ial .ould soon appear and
thro. the .hole lot of them out li'e a pa%' of !ums" ,o one !othered them"
#n the e$ening they all trooped e4u!erantly out to see a lousy Holly.ood
e4tra$agan0a in Te%hni%olor, and .hen they trooped e4u!erantly !a%' in
after the lousy Holly.ood e4tra$agan0a, the soldier in .hite .as there, and
-un!ar s%reamed and .ent to pie%es"
1He1s !a%'B1 -un!ar s%reamed" 1He1s !a%'B He1s !a%'B1
)ossarian fro0e in his tra%'s, paraly0ed as mu%h !y the eerie shrillness in
-un!ar1s $oi%e as !y the familiar, .hite, mor!id sight of the soldier in .hite
%o$ered from head to toe in plaster and gau0e" + strange, 2ua$ering,
in$oluntary noise %ame !u!!ling from )ossarian1s throat"
1He1s !a%'B1 -un!ar s%reamed again"
1He1s !a%'B1 a patient delirious .ith fe$er e%hoed in automati% terror"
+ll at on%e the .ard erupted into !edlam" Mo!s of si%' and in/ured men
!egan ranting in%oherently and running and /umping in the aisle as though
the !uilding .ere on fire" + patient .ith one foot and one %rut%h .as
hopping !a%' and forth s.iftly in pani% %rying, 1;hat is it5 ;hat is it5 +re .e
!urning5 +re .e !urning51
1He1s !a%'B1 someone shouted at him" 1-idn1t you hear him5 He1s !a%'B He1s
!a%'B1
1;ho1s !a%'51 shouted someone else" 1;ho is it51
1;hat does it mean5 ;hat should .e do51
1+re .e on fire51
16et up and run, damn itB $ery!ody get up and runB1
$ery!ody got out of !ed and !egan running from one end of the .ard to
the other" (ne C"#"-" man .as loo'ing for a gun to shoot one of the other
C"#"-" men .ho had /a!!ed his el!o. into his eye" The .ard had turned into
%haos" The patient delirious .ith the high fe$er leaped into the aisle and
almost 'no%'ed o$er the patient .ith one foot, .ho a%%identally !rought the
!la%' ru!!er tip of his %rut%h do.n on the other1s !are foot, %rushing some
toes" The delirious man .ith the fe$er and the %rushed toes san' to the
floor and .ept in pain .hile other men tripped o$er him and hurt him more
in their !lind, milling, agoni0ed stampede" 1He1s !a%'B1 all the men 'ept
mum!ling and %hanting and %alling out hysteri%ally as they rushed !a%' and
forth" 1He1s !a%', he1s !a%'B1 ,urse Cramer .as there in the middle
suddenly li'e a spinning poli%eman, trying desperately to restore order,
dissol$ing helplessly into tears .hen she failed" 13e still, please !e still,1 she
urged uselessly through her massi$e so!s" The %haplain, pale as a ghost,
had no idea .hat .as going on" ,either did ,ately, .ho 'ept %lose to
)ossarian1s side, %linging to his el!o., or Hungry Joe, .ho follo.ed
du!iously .ith his s%ra.ny fists %len%hed and glan%ed from side to side .ith
a fa%e that .as s%ared"
1Hey, .hat1s going on51 Hungry Joe pleaded" 1;hat the hell is going on51
1#t1s the same oneB1 -un!ar shouted at him emphati%ally in a $oi%e rising
%learly a!o$e the rau%ous %ommotion" 1-on1t you understand5 #t1s the same
one"1
1The same oneB1 )ossarian heard himself e%ho, 2ui$ering .ith a deep and
ominous e4%itement that he %ould not %ontrol, and sho$ed his .ay after
-un!ar to.ard the !ed of the soldier in .hite"
1Ta'e it easy, fellas,1 the short patrioti% Te4an %ounseled affa!ly, .ith an
un%ertain grin" 1There1s no %ause to !e upset" ;hy don1t .e all /ust ta'e it
easy51
1The same oneB1 others !egan murmuring, %hanting and shouting"
Suddenly ,urse -u%'ett .as there, too" 1;hat1s going on51 she demanded"
1He1s !a%'B1 ,urse Cramer s%reamed, sin'ing into her arms" 1He1s !a%', he1s
!a%'B1
#t .as, indeed, the same man" He had lost a fe. in%hes and added some
.eight, !ut )ossarian remem!ered him instantly !y the t.o stiff arms and
the t.o stiff, thi%', useless legs all dra.n up.ard into the air almost
perpendi%ularly !y the taut ropes and the long lead .eights suspended from
pulleys o$er him and !y the frayed !la%' hole in the !andages o$er his
mouth" He had, in fa%t, hardly %hanged at all" There .as the same 0in% pipe
rising from the hard stone mass o$er his groin and leading to the %lear glass
/ar on the floor" There .as the same %lear glass /ar on a pole dripping fluid
into him through the %roo' of his el!o." )ossarian .ould re%ogni0e him
any.here" He .ondered .ho he .as"
1There1s no one insideB1 -un!ar yelled out at him une4pe%tedly"
)ossarian felt his heart s'ip a !eat and his legs gro. .ea'" 1;hat are you
tal'ing a!out51 he shouted .ith dread, stunned !y the haggard, spar'ing
anguish in -un!ar1s eyes and !y his %ra0ed loo' of .ild sho%' and horror"
1+re you nuts or something5 ;hat the hell do you mean, there1s no one
inside51
1They1$e stolen him a.ayB1 -un!ar shouted !a%'" 1He1s hollo. inside, li'e a
%ho%olate soldier" They /ust too' him a.ay and left those !andages there"1
1;hy should they do that51
1;hy do they do anything51
1They1$e stolen him a.ayB1 s%reamed someone else, and people all o$er the
.ard !egan s%reaming, 1They1$e stolen him a.ay" They1$e stolen him
a.ayB1
16o !a%' to your !eds,1 ,urse -u%'ett pleaded .ith -un!ar and )ossarian,
pushing fee!ly against )ossarian1s %hest" 1Please go !a%' to your !eds"1
1)ou1re %ra0yB1 )ossarian shouted angrily at -un!ar" 1;hat the hell ma'es
you say that51
1-id anyone see him51 -un!ar demanded .ith sneering fer$or"
1)ou sa. him, didn1t you51 )ossarian said to ,urse -u%'ett" 1Tell -un!ar
there1s someone inside"1
1&ieutenant S%hmul'er is inside,1 ,urse -u%'ett said" 1He1s !urned all o$er"1
1-id she see him51
1)ou sa. him, didn1t you51
1The do%tor .ho !andaged him sa. him"1
16o get him, .ill you5 ;hi%h do%tor .as it51
,urse -u%'ett rea%ted to the 2uestion .ith a startled gasp" 1The do%tor isn1t
e$en hereB1 she e4%laimed" 1The patient .as !rought to us that .ay from a
field hospital"1
1)ou see51 %ried ,urse Cramer" 1There1s no one insideB1
1There1s no one insideB1 yelled Hungry Joe, and !egan stamping on the
floor"
-un!ar !ro'e through and leaped up furiously on the soldier in .hite1s !ed
to see for himself, pressing his gleaming eye do.n hungrily against the
tattered !la%' hole in the shell of .hite !andages" He .as still !ent o$er
staring .ith one eye into the lightless, unstirring $oid of the soldier in .hite1s
mouth .hen the do%tors and the M"P"s %ame running to help )ossarian pull
him a.ay" The do%tors .ore guns at the .aist" The guards %arried %ar!ines
and rifles .ith .hi%h they sho$ed and /olted the %ro.d of muttering patients
!a%'" + stret%her on .heels .as there, and the solder in .hite .as lifted out
of !ed s'illfully and rolled out of sight in a matter of se%onds" The do%tors
and M"P"s mo$ed through the .ard assuring e$eryone that e$erything .as
all right"
,urse -u%'ett plu%'ed )ossarian1s arm and .hispered to him furti$ely to
meet her in the !room %loset outside in the %orridor" )ossarian re/oi%ed
.hen he heard her" He thought ,urse -u%'ett finally .anted to get laid and
pulled her s'irt up the se%ond they .ere alone in the !room %loset, !ut she
pushed him a.ay" She had urgent ne.s a!out -un!ar"
1They1re going to disappear him,1 she said"
)ossarian s2uinted at her un%omprehendingly" 1They1re .hat51 he as'ed in
surprise, and laughed uneasily" 1;hat does that mean51
1# don1t 'no." # heard them tal'ing !ehind a door"1
1;ho51
1# don1t 'no." # %ouldn1t see them" # /ust heard them say they .ere going to
disappear -un!ar"1
1;hy are they going to disappear him51
1# don1t 'no."1
1#t doesn1t ma'e sense" #t isn1t e$en good grammar" ;hat the hell does it
mean .hen they disappear some!ody51
1# don1t 'no."1
1Jesus, you1re a great helpB1
1;hy are you pi%'ing on me51 ,urse -u%'ett protested .ith hurt feelings,
and !egan sniffing !a%' tears" 1#1m only trying to help" #t isn1t my fault they1re
going to disappear him, is it5 # shouldn1t e$en !e telling you"1
)ossarian too' her in his arms and hugged her .ith gentle, %ontrite
affe%tion" 1#1m sorry,1 he apologi0ed, 'issing her %hee' respe%tfully, and
hurried a.ay to .arn -un!ar, .ho .as no.here to !e found"
Milo the Militant
7or the first time in his life, )ossarian prayed" He got do.n on his 'nees
and prayed to ,ately not to $olunteer to fly more than se$enty missions
after Chief ;hite Halfoat did die of pneumonia in the hospital and ,ately
had applied for his /o!" 3ut ,ately /ust .ouldn1t listen"
1#1$e got to fly more missions,1 ,ately insisted lamely .ith a %roo'ed smile"
1(ther.ise they1ll send me home"1
1So51
1# don1t .ant to go home until # %an ta'e her !a%' .ith me"1
1She means that mu%h to you51
,ately nodded de/e%tedly" 1# might ne$er see her again"1
1Then get yourself grounded,1 )ossarian urged" 1)ou1$e finished your
missions and you don1t need the flight pay" ;hy don1t you as' for Chief
;hite Halfoat1s /o!, if you %an stand .or'ing for Captain 3la%'51
,ately shoo' his head, his %hee's dar'ening .ith shy and regretful
mortifi%ation" 1They .on1t gi$e it to me" # spo'e to Colonel >orn, and he told
me #1d ha$e to fly more missions or !e sent home"1
)ossarian %ursed sa$agely" 1That1s /ust plain meanness"1
1# don1t mind, # guess" #1$e flo.n se$enty missions .ithout getting hurt" #
guess # %an fly a fe. more"1
1-on1t do anything at all a!out it until # tal' to someone,1 )ossarian de%ided,
and .ent loo'ing for help from Milo, .ho .ent immediately after.ard to
Colonel Cath%art for help in ha$ing himself assigned to more %om!at
missions"
Milo had !een earning many distin%tions for himself" He had flo.n
fearlessly into danger and %riti%ism !y selling petroleum and !all !earings to
6ermany at good pri%es in order to ma'e a good profit and help maintain a
!alan%e of po.er !et.een the %ontending for%es" His ner$e under fire .as
gra%eful and infinite" ;ith a de$otion to purpose a!o$e and !eyond the line
of duty, he had then raised the pri%e of food in his mess halls so high that
all offi%ers and enlisted men had to turn o$er all their pay to him in order to
eat" Their alternati$e = there .as an alternati$e, of %ourse, sin%e Milo
detested %oer%ion and .as a $o%al %hampion of freedom of %hoi%e = .as
to star$e" ;hen he en%ountered a .a$e of enemy resistan%e to this atta%',
he stu%' to his position .ithout regard for his safety or reputation and
gallantly in$o'ed the la. of supply and demand" +nd .hen someone
some.here said no, Milo ga$e ground grudgingly, $aliantly defending, e$en
in retreat, the histori% right of free men to pay as mu%h as they had to for
the things they needed in order to sur$i$e"
Milo had !een %aught red9handed in the a%t of plundering his %ountrymen,
and, as a result, his sto%' had ne$er !een higher" He pro$ed good as his
.ord .hen a ra.!oned ma/or from Minnesota %urled his lip in re!ellious
disa$o.al and demanded his share of the syndi%ate Milo 'ept saying
e$ery!ody o.ned" Milo met the %hallenge !y .riting the .ords 1+ Share1 on
the nearest s%rap of paper and handing it a.ay .ith a $irtuous disdain that
.on the en$y and admiration of almost e$eryone .ho 'ne. him" His glory
.as at a pea', and Colonel Cath%art, .ho 'ne. and admired his .ar
re%ord, .as astonished !y the deferential humility .ith .hi%h Milo
presented himself at 6roup Head2uarters and made his fantasti% appeal for
more ha0ardous assignments"
1)ou .ant to fly more %om!at missions51 Colonel Cath%art gasped" 1;hat in
the .orld for51
Milo ans.ered in a demure $oi%e .ith his fa%e lo.ered mee'ly" 1# .ant to do
my duty, sir" The %ountry is at .ar, and # .ant to fight to defend it li'e the
rest of the fello.s"1
13ut, Milo, you are doing your duty,1 Colonel Cath%art e4%laimed .ith a
laugh that thundered /o$ially" 1# %an1t thin' of a single person .ho1s done
more for the men than you ha$e" ;ho ga$e them %ho%olate9%o$ered
%otton51
Milo shoo' his head slo.ly and sadly" 13ut !eing a good mess offi%er in
.artime /ust isn1t enough, Colonel Cath%art"1
1Certainly it is, Milo" # don1t 'no. .hat1s %ome o$er you"1
1Certainly it isn1t, Colonel,1 Milo disagreed in a some.hat firm tone, raising
his su!ser$ient eyes signifi%antly /ust far enough to arrest Colonel
Cath%art1s" 1Some of the men are !eginning to tal'"1
1(h, is that it5 6i$e me their names, Milo" 6i$e me their names and #1ll see
to it that they go on e$ery dangerous mission the group flies"1
1,o, Colonel, #1m afraid they1re right,1 Milo said, .ith his head drooping
again" 1# .as sent o$erseas as a pilot, and # should !e flying more %om!at
missions and spending less time on my duties as a mess offi%er"1
Colonel Cath%art .as surprised !ut %o9operati$e" 1;ell, Milo, if you really
feel that .ay, #1m sure .e %an ma'e .hate$er arrangements you .ant" Ho.
long ha$e you !een o$erseas no.51
1le$en months, sir"1
1+nd ho. many missions ha$e you flo.n51
17i$e"1
17i$e51 as'ed Colonel Cath%art"
17i$e, sir"1
17i$e, eh51 Colonel Cath%art ru!!ed his %hee' pensi$ely" 1That isn1t $ery
good, is it51
1#sn1t it51 as'ed Milo in a sharply edged $oi%e, glan%ing up again"
Colonel Cath%art 2uailed" 1(n the %ontrary, that1s $ery good, Milo,1 he
%orre%ted himself hastily" 1#t isn1t !ad at all"1
1,o, Colonel,1 Milo said, .ith a long, languishing, .istful sigh, 1it isn1t $ery
good" +lthough it1s $ery generous of you to say so"1
13ut it1s really not !ad, Milo" ,ot !ad at all, .hen you %onsider all your other
$alua!le %ontri!utions" 7i$e missions, you say5 Just fi$e51
1Just fi$e, sir"1
1Just fi$e"1 Colonel Cath%art gre. a.fully depressed for a moment as he
.ondered .hat Milo .as really thin'ing, and .hether he had already got a
!la%' eye .ith him" 17i$e is $ery good, Milo,1 he o!ser$ed .ith enthusiasm,
spying a ray of hope" 1That a$erages out to almost one %om!at mission
e$ery t.o months" +nd #1ll !et your total doesn1t in%lude the time you
!om!ed us"1
1)es, sir" #t does"1
1#t does51 in2uired Colonel Cath%art .ith mild .onder" 1)ou didn1t a%tually fly
along on that mission, did you5 #f # remem!er %orre%tly, you .ere in the
%ontrol to.er .ith me, .eren1t you51
13ut it .as my mission,1 Milo %ontended" 1# organi0ed it, and .e used my
planes and supplies" # planned and super$ised the .hole thing"1
1(h, %ertainly, Milo, %ertainly" #1m not disputing you" #1m only %he%'ing the
figures to ma'e sure you1re %laiming all you1re entitled to" -id you also
in%lude the time .e %ontra%ted .ith you to !om! the !ridge at (r$ieto51
1(h, no, sir" # didn1t thin' # should, sin%e # .as in (r$ieto at the time dire%ting
the antiair%raft fire"1
1# don1t see .hat differen%e that ma'es, Milo" #t .as still your mission" +nd a
damned good one, too, # must say" ;e didn1t get the !ridge, !ut .e did
ha$e a !eautiful !om! pattern" # remem!er 6eneral Pe%'em %ommenting
on it" ,o, Milo, # insist you %ount (r$ieto as a mission, too"1
1#f you insist, sir"1
1# do insist, Milo" ,o., let1s see = you no. ha$e a grand total of si4
missions, .hi%h is damned good, Milo, damned good, really" Si4 missions is
an in%rease of t.enty per %ent in /ust a %ouple of minutes, .hi%h is not !ad
at all, Milo, not !ad at all"1
1Many of the other men ha$e se$enty missions,1 Milo pointed out"
13ut they ne$er produ%ed any %ho%olate9%o$ered %otton, did they5 Milo,
you1re doing more than your share"1
13ut they1re getting all the fame and opportunity,1 Milo persisted .ith a
petulan%e that !ordered on sni$eling" 1Sir, # .ant to get in there and fight
li'e the rest of the fello.s" That1s .hat #1m here for" # .ant to .in medals,
too"1
1)es, Milo, of %ourse" ;e all .ant to spend more time in %om!at" 3ut people
li'e you and me ser$e in different .ays" &oo' at my o.n re%ord,1 Colonel
Cath%art uttered a depre%atory laugh" 1#1ll !et it1s not generally 'no.n, Milo,
that # myself ha$e flo.n only four missions, is it51
1,o, sir,1 Milo replied" 1#t1s generally 'no.n that you1$e flo.n only t.o
missions" +nd that one of those o%%urred .hen +arfy a%%identally fle. you
o$er enemy territory .hile na$igating you to ,aples for a !la%'9mar'et
.ater %ooler"1
Colonel Cath%art, flushing .ith em!arrassment, a!andoned all further
argument" 1+ll right, Milo" # %an1t praise you enough for .hat you .ant to do"
#f it really means so mu%h to you, #1ll ha$e Ma/or Ma/or assign you to the
ne4t si4ty9four missions so that you %an ha$e se$enty, too"1
1Than' you, Colonel, than' you, sir" )ou don1t 'no. .hat this means"1
1-on1t mention it, Milo" # 'no. e4a%tly .hat it means"1
1,o, Colonel, # don1t thin' you do 'no. .hat it means,1 Milo disagreed
pointedly" 1Someone .ill ha$e to !egin running the syndi%ate for me right
a.ay" #t1s $ery %ompli%ated, and # might get shot do.n at any time"1
Colonel Cath%art !rightened instantly at the thought and !egan ru!!ing his
hands .ith a$ari%ious 0est" 1)ou 'no., Milo, # thin' Colonel >orn and #
might !e .illing to ta'e the syndi%ate off your hands,1 he suggested in an
offhand manner, almost li%'ing his lips in sa$ory anti%ipation" 1(ur
e4perien%e in !la%'9mar'et plum tomatoes should %ome in $ery useful"
;here do .e !egin51
Milo .at%hed Colonel Cath%art steadily .ith a !land and guileless
e4pression" 1Than' you, sir, that1s $ery good of you" 3egin .ith a salt9free
diet for 6eneral Pe%'em and a fat9free diet for 6eneral -reedle"1
1&et me get a pen%il" ;hat1s ne4t51
1The %edars"1
1Cedars51
17rom &e!anon"1
1&e!anon51
1;e1$e got %edars from &e!anon due at the sa.mill in (slo to !e turned into
shingles for the !uilder in Cape Cod" C"("-" +nd then there1s the peas"1
1Peas51
1That are on the high seas" ;e1$e got !oatloads of peas that are on the high
seas from +tlanta to Holland to pay for the tulips that .ere shipped to
6ene$a to pay for the %heeses that must go to Fienna M"#"7"1
1M"#"7"51
1Money in 7ront" The Haps!urgs are sha'y"1
1Milo"1
1+nd don1t forget the gal$ani0ed 0in% in the .arehouse at 7lint" 7our
%arloads of gal$ani0ed 0in% from 7lint must !e flo.n to the smelters in
-amas%us !y noon of the eighteenth, terms 7"("3" Cal%utta t.o per %ent
ten days "("M" (ne Messers%hmitt full of hemp is due in 3elgrade for a C9
CE and a half full of those semi9pitted dates .e stu%' them .ith from
>hartoum" :se the money from the Portuguese an%ho$ies .e1re selling
!a%' to &is!on to pay for the gyptian %otton .e1$e got %oming !a%' to us
from Mamarone%' and to pi%' up as many oranges as you %an in Spain"
+l.ays pay %ash for naran2as"1
')aran2as"'
1That1s .hat they %all oranges in Spain, and these are Spanish oranges"
+nd = oh, yes" -on1t forget Piltdo.n Man"1
1Piltdo.n Man51
1)es, Piltdo.n Man" The Smithsonian #nstitution is not in a position at this
time to meet our pri%e for a se%ond Piltdo.n Man, !ut they are loo'ing
for.ard to the death of a .ealthy and !elo$ed donor and =1
1Milo"1
17ran%e .ants all the parsley .e %an send them, and # thin' .e might as
.ell, !e%ause .e1ll need the fran%s for the lire for the pfennigs for the dates
.hen they get !a%'" #1$e also ordered a tremendous shipment of Peru$ian
!alsa .ood for distri!ution to ea%h of the mess halls in the syndi%ate on a
pro rata !asis"1
13alsa .ood5 ;hat are the mess halls going to do .ith !alsa .ood51
16ood !alsa .ood isn1t so easy to %ome !y these days, Colonel" # /ust didn1t
thin' it .as a good idea to pass up the %han%e to !uy it"1
1,o, # suppose not,1 Colonel Cath%art surmised $aguely .ith the loo' of
some!ody seasi%'" 1+nd # assume the pri%e .as right"1
1The pri%e,1 said Milo, 1.as outrageous = positi$ely e4or!itantB 3ut sin%e .e
!ought it from one of our o.n su!sidiaries, .e .ere happy to pay it" &oo'
after the hides"1
1The hi$es51
1The hides"1
1The hides51
1The hides" #n 3uenos +ires" They ha$e to !e tanned"1
1Tanned51
1#n ,e.foundland" +nd shipped to Helsin'i ,"M"#"7" !efore the spring tha.
!egins" $erything to 7inland goes ,"M"#"7" !efore the spring tha. !egins"1
1,o Money in 7ront51 guessed Colonel Cath%art"
16ood, Colonel" )ou ha$e a gift, sir" +nd then there1s the %or'"1
1The %or'51
1That must go to ,e. )or', the shoes for Toulouse, the ham for Siam, the
nails from ;ales, and the tangerines for ,e. (rleans"1
1Milo"1
1;e ha$e %oals in ,e.%astle, sir"1
Colonel Cath%art thre. up his hands" 1Milo, stopB1 he %ried, almost in tears"
1#t1s no use" )ou1re /ust li'e # am = indispensable1 He pushed his pen%il
aside and rose to his feet in franti% e4asperation" 1Milo, you %an1t fly si4ty9
four more missions" )ou %an1t e$en fly one more mission" The .hole
system .ould fall apart if anything happened to you"1
Milo nodded serenely .ith %ompla%ent gratifi%ation" 1Sir, are you for!idding
me to fly any more %om!at missions51
1Milo, # for!id you to fly any more %om!at missions,1 Colonel Cath%art
de%lared in a tone of stern and infle4i!le authority"
13ut that1s not fair, sir,1 said Milo" 1;hat a!out my re%ord5 The other men
are getting all the fame and medals and pu!li%ity" ;hy should # !e
penali0ed /ust !e%ause #1m doing su%h a good /o! as mess offi%er51
1,o, Milo, it isn1t fair" 3ut # don1t see anything .e %an do a!out it"1
1May!e .e %an get someone else to fly my missions for me"1
13ut may!e .e %an get someone else to fly your missions for you,1 Colonel
Cath%art suggested" 1Ho. a!out the stri'ing %oal miners in Pennsyl$ania
and ;est Firginia51
Milo shoo' his head" 1#t .ould ta'e too long to train them" 3ut .hy not the
men in the s2uadron, sir5 +fter all, #1m doing this for them" They ought to !e
.illing to do something for me in return"1
13ut .hy not the men in the s2uadron, Milo51 Colonel Cath%art e4%laimed"
1+fter all, you1re doing all this for them" They ought to !e .illing to do
something for you in return"1
1;hat1s fair is fair"1
1;hat1s fair is fair"1
1They %ould ta'e turns, sir"1
1They might e$en ta'e turns flying your missions for you, Milo"1
1;ho gets the %redit51
1)ou get the %redit, Milo" +nd if a man .ins a medal flying one of your
missions, you get the medal"1
1;ho dies if he gets 'illed51
1;hy, he dies, of %ourse" +fter all, Milo, .hat1s fair is fair" There1s /ust one
thing"1
1)ou1ll ha$e to raise the num!er of missions"1
1# might ha$e to raise the num!er of missions again, and #1m not sure the
men .ill fly them" They1re still pretty sore !e%ause # /umped them to
se$enty" #f # %an get /ust one of the regular offi%ers to fly more, the rest .ill
pro!a!ly follo."1
1,ately .ill fly more missions, sir,1 Milo said" 1# .as told in stri%test
%onfiden%e /ust a little .hile ago that he1ll do anything he has to in order to
remain o$erseas .ith a girl he1s fallen in lo$e .ith"1
13ut ,ately .ill fly moreB1 Colonel Cath%art de%lared, and he !rought his
hands together in a resounding %lap of $i%tory" 1)es, ,ately .ill fly more"
+nd this time #1m really going to /ump the missions, right up to eighty, and
really 'no%' 6eneral -reedle1s eye out" +nd this is a good .ay to get that
lousy rat )ossarian !a%' into %om!at .here he might get 'illed"1
1)ossarian51 + tremor of deep %on%ern passed o$er Milo1s simple,
homespun features, and he s%rat%hed the %orner of his reddish9!ro.n
musta%he thoughtfully"
1)eah, )ossarian" # hear he1s going around saying that he1s finished his
missions and the .ar1s o$er for him" ;ell, may!e he has finished his
missions" 3ut he hasn1t finished your missions, has he5 HaB HaB Has he got
a surprise %oming to himB1
1Sir, )ossarian is a friend of mine,1 Milo o!/e%ted" 1#1d hate to !e responsi!le
for doing anything that .ould put him !a%' in %om!at" # o.e a lot to
)ossarian" #sn1t there any .ay .e %ould ma'e an e4%eption of him51
1(h, no, Milo"1 Colonel Cath%art %lu%'ed sententiously, sho%'ed !y the
suggestion" 1;e must ne$er play fa$orites" ;e must al.ays treat e$ery man
ali'e"1
1#1d gi$e e$erything # o.n to )ossarian,1 Milo perse$ered gamely on
)ossarian1s !ehalf" 13ut sin%e # don1t o.n anything, # %an1t gi$e e$erything to
him, %an #5 So he1ll /ust ha$e to ta'e his %han%es .ith the rest of the men,
.on1t he51
1;hat1s fair is fair, Milo"1
1)es, sir, .hat1s fair is fair,1 Milo agreed" 1)ossarian is no !etter than the
other men, and he has no right to e4pe%t any spe%ial pri$ileges, has he51
1,o, Milo" ;hat1s fair is fair"1
+nd there .as no time for )ossarian to sa$e himself from %om!at on%e
Colonel Cath%art issued his announ%ement raising the missions to eighty
late that same afternoon, no time to dissuade ,ately from flying them or
e$en to %onspire again .ith -o!!s to murder Colonel Cath%art, for the alert
sounded suddenly at da.n the ne4t day and the men .ere rushed into the
tru%'s !efore a de%ent !rea'fast %ould !e prepared, and they .ere dri$en at
top speed to the !riefing room and then out to the airfield, .here the
%litter%lattering fuel tru%'s .ere still pumping gasoline into the tan's of the
planes and the s%ampering %re.s of armorers .ere toiling as s.iftly as they
%ould at hoisting the thousand9pound demolition !om!s into the !om! !ays"
$ery!ody .as running, and engines .ere turned on and .armed up as
soon as the fuel tru%'s had finished"
#ntelligen%e had reported that a disa!led #talian %ruiser in drydo%' at &a
Spe0ia .ould !e to.ed !y the 6ermans that same morning to a %hannel at
the entran%e of the har!or and s%uttled there to depri$e the +llied armies of
deep9.ater port fa%ilities .hen they %aptured the %ity" 7or on%e, a military
intelligen%e report pro$ed a%%urate" The long $essel .as half.ay a%ross the
har!or .hen they fle. in from the .est, and !ro'e it apart .ith dire%t hits
from e$ery flight that filled them all .ith .a$es of enormously satisfying
group pride until they found themsel$es engulfed in great !arrages of fla'
that rose from guns in e$ery !end of the huge horseshoe of mountainous
land !elo." $en Ha$ermeyer resorted to the .ildest e$asi$e a%tion he
%ould %ommand .hen he sa. .hat a $ast distan%e he had still to tra$el to
es%ape, and -o!!s, at the pilot1s %ontrols in his formation, 0igged .hen he
should ha$e 0agged, s'idding his plane into the plane alongside, and
%he.ed off its tail" His .ing !ro'e off at the !ase, and his plane dropped
li'e a ro%' and .as almost out of sight in an instant" There .as no fire, no
smo'e, not the slightest unto.ard noise" The remaining .ing re$ol$ed as
ponderously as a grinding %ement mi4er as the plane plummeted nose
do.n.ard in a straight line at a%%elerating speed until it stru%' the .ater,
.hi%h foamed open at the impa%t li'e a .hite .ater lily on the dar'9!lue
sea, and .ashed !a%' in a geyser of apple9green !u!!les .hen the plane
san'" #t .as o$er in a matter of se%onds" There .ere no para%hutes" +nd
,ately, in the other plane, .as 'illed too"
The Cellar
,ately1s death almost 'illed the %haplain" Chaplain Shipman .as seated in
his tent, la!oring o$er his paper.or' in his reading spe%ta%les, .hen his
phone rang and ne.s of the mid9air %ollision .as gi$en to him from the
field" His insides turned at on%e to dry %lay" His hand .as trem!ling as he
put the phone do.n" His other hand !egan trem!ling" The disaster .as too
immense to %ontemplate" T.el$e men 'illed = ho. ghastly, ho. $ery, $ery
a.fulB His feeling of terror gre." He prayed instin%ti$ely that )ossarian,
,ately, Hungry Joe and his other friends .ould not !e listed among the
$i%tims, then !erated himself repentantly, for to pray for their safety .as to
pray for the death of other young men he did not e$en 'no." #t .as too late
to prayA yet that .as all he 'ne. ho. to do" His heart .as pounding .ith a
noise that seemed to !e %oming from some.here outside, and he 'ne. he
.ould ne$er sit in a dentist1s %hair again, ne$er glan%e at a surgi%al tool,
ne$er .itness an automo!ile a%%ident or hear a $oi%e shout at night, .ithout
e4perien%ing the same $iolent thumping in his %hest and dreading that he
.as going to die" He .ould ne$er .at%h another fist fight .ithout fearing he
.as going to faint and %ra%' his s'ull open on the pa$ement or suffer a fatal
heart atta%' or %ere!ral hemorrhage" He .ondered if he .ould e$er see his
.ife again or his three small %hildren" He .ondered if he e$er should see
his .ife again, no. that Captain 3la%' had planted in his mind su%h strong
dou!ts a!out the fidelity and %hara%ter of all .omen" There .ere so many
other men, he felt, .ho %ould pro$e more satisfying to her se4ually" ;hen
he thought of death no., he al.ays thought of his .ife, and .hen he
thought of his .ife he al.ays thought of losing her"
#n another minute the %haplain felt strong enough to rise and .al' .ith glum
relu%tan%e to the tent ne4t door for Sergeant ;hit%om!" They dro$e in
Sergeant ;hit%om!1s /eep" The %haplain made fists of his hands to 'eep
them from sha'ing as they lay in his lap" He ground his teeth together and
tried not to hear as Sergeant ;hit%om! %hirruped e4ultantly o$er the tragi%
e$ent" T.el$e men 'illed meant t.el$e more form letters of %ondolen%e that
%ould !e mailed in one !un%h to the ne4t of 'in o$er Colonel Cath%art1s
signature, gi$ing Sergeant ;hit%om! hope of getting an arti%le on Colonel
Cath%art into ,he Saturday $vening .ost in time for aster"
+t the field a hea$y silen%e pre$ailed, o$erpo.ering motion li'e a ruthless,
insensate spell holding in thrall the only !eings .ho might !rea' it" The
%haplain .as in a.e" He had ne$er !eheld su%h a great, appalling stillness
!efore" +lmost t.o hundred tired, gaunt, do.n%ast men stood holding their
para%hute pa%'s in a som!er and unstirring %ro.d outside the !riefing
room, their fa%es staring !lan'ly in different angles of stunned de/e%tion"
They seemed un.illing to go, una!le to mo$e" The %haplain .as a%utely
%ons%ious of the faint noise his footsteps made as he approa%hed" His eyes
sear%hed hurriedly, franti%ally, through the immo!ile ma0e of limp figures"
He spied )ossarian finally .ith a feeling of immense /oy, and then his
mouth gaped open slo.ly in un!eara!le horror as he noted )ossarian1s
$i$id, !eaten, grimy loo' of deep, drugged despair" He understood at on%e,
re%oiling in pain from the reali0ation and sha'ing his head .ith a protesting
and imploring grima%e, that ,ately .as dead" The 'no.ledge stru%' him
.ith a num!ing sho%'" + so! !ro'e from him" The !lood drained from his
legs, and he thought he .as going to drop" ,ately .as dead" +ll hope that
he .as mista'en .as .ashed a.ay !y the sound of ,ately1s name
emerging .ith re%urring %larity no. from the almost inaudi!le !a!!le of
murmuring $oi%es that he .as suddenly a.are of for the first time" ,ately
.as dead@ the !oy had !een 'illed" + .himpering sound rose in the
%haplain1s throat, and his /a. !egan to 2ui$er" His eyes filled .ith tears, and
he .as %rying" He started to.ard )ossarian on tiptoe to mourn !eside him
and share his .ordless grief" +t that moment a hand gra!!ed him roughly
around the arm and a !rus2ue $oi%e demanded,
1Chaplain Shipman51
He turned .ith surprise to fa%e a stout, pugna%ious %olonel .ith a large
head and musta%he and a smooth, florid s'in" He had ne$er seen the man
!efore" 1)es" ;hat is it51 The fingers grasping the %haplain1s arm .ere
hurting him, and he tried in $ain to s2uirm loose"
1Come along"1
The %haplain pulled !a%' in frightened %onfusion" 1;here5 ;hy5 ;ho are
you, any.ay51
1)ou1d !etter %ome along .ith us, 7ather,1 a lean, ha.'9fa%ed ma/or on the
%haplain1s other side intoned .ith re$erential sorro." 1;e1re from the
go$ernment" ;e .ant to as' you some 2uestions"1
1;hat 'ind of 2uestions5 ;hat1s the matter51
1+ren1t you Chaplain Shipman51 demanded the o!ese %olonel"
1He1s the one,1 Sergeant ;hit%om! ans.ered"
16o on along .ith them,1 Captain 3la%' %alled out to the %haplain .ith a
hostile and %ontemptuous sneer" 16o on into the %ar if you 'no. .hat1s
good for you"1
Hands .ere dra.ing the %haplain a.ay irresisti!ly" He .anted to shout for
help to )ossarian, .ho seemed too far a.ay to hear" Some of the men
near!y .ere !eginning to loo' at him .ith a.a'ening %uriosity" The
%haplain !ent his fa%e a.ay .ith !urning shame and allo.ed himself to !e
led into the rear of a staff %ar and seated !et.een the fat %olonel .ith the
large, pin' fa%e and the s'inny, un%tuous, despondent ma/or" He
automati%ally held a .rist out to ea%h, .ondering for a moment if they
.anted to hand%uff him" +nother offi%er .as already in the front seat" + tall
M"P" .ith a .histle and a .hite helmet got in !ehind the .heel" The
%haplain did not dare raise his eyes until the %losed %ar had lur%hed from
the area and the speeding .heels .ere .hining on the !umpy !la%'top
road"
1;here are you ta'ing me51 he as'ed in a $oi%e soft .ith timidity and guilt,
his ga0e still a$erted" The notion %ame to him that they .ere holding him to
!lame for the mid9air %rash and the death of ,ately" 1;hat ha$e # done51
1;hy don1t you 'eep your trap shut and let us as' the 2uestions51 said the
%olonel"
1-on1t tal' to him that .ay,1 said the ma/or" 1#t isn1t ne%essary to !e so
disrespe%tful"1
1Then tell him to 'eep his trap shut and let us as' the 2uestions"1
17ather, please 'eep your trap shut and let us as' the 2uestions,1 urged the
ma/or sympatheti%ally" 1#t .ill !e !etter for you"1
1#t isn1t ne%essary to %all me 7ather,1 said the %haplain" 1#1m not a Catholi%"1
1,either am #, 7ather,1 said the ma/or" 1#t1s /ust that #1m a $ery de$out person,
and # li'e to %all all men of 6od 7ather"1
1He doesn1t e$en !elie$e there are atheists in fo4holes,1 the %olonel mo%'ed,
and nudged the %haplain in the ri!s familiarly" 16o on, Chaplain, tell him" +re
there atheists in fo4holes51
1# don1t 'no., sir,1 the %haplain replied" 1#1$e ne$er !een in a fo4hole"1
The offi%er in front s.ung his head around s.iftly .ith a 2uarrelsome
e4pression" 1)ou1$e ne$er !een in hea$en either, ha$e you5 3ut you 'no.
there1s a hea$en, don1t you51
1(r do you51 said the %olonel"
1That1s a $ery serious %rime you1$e %ommitted, 7ather,1 said the ma/or"
1;hat %rime51
1;e don1t 'no. yet,1 said the %olonel" 13ut .e1re going to find out" +nd .e
sure 'no. it1s $ery serious"1
The %ar s.ung off the road at 6roup Head2uarters .ith a s2ueal of tires,
sla%'ening speed only slightly, and %ontinued around past the par'ing lot to
the !a%' of the !uilding" The three offi%ers and the %haplain got out" #n
single file, they ushered him do.n a .o!!ly flight of .ooden stairs leading
to the !asement and led him into a damp, gloomy room .ith a lo. %ement
%eiling and unfinished stone .alls" There .ere %o!.e!s in all the %orners" +
huge %entipede !le. a%ross the floor to the shelter of a .ater pipe" They sat
the %haplain in a hard, straight9!a%'ed %hair that stood !ehind a small, !are
ta!le"
1Please ma'e yourself %omforta!le, Chaplain,1 in$ited the %olonel %ordially,
s.it%hing on a !linding spotlight and shooting it s2uarely into the %haplain1s
fa%e" He pla%ed a set of !rass 'nu%'les and !o4 of .ooden mat%hes on the
ta!le" 1;e .ant you to rela4"1
The %haplain1s eyes !ulged out in%redulously" His teeth %hattered and his
lim!s felt utterly .ithout strength" He .as po.erless" They might do
.hate$er they .ished to him, he reali0edA these !rutal men might !eat him
to death right there in the !asement, and no one .ould inter$ene to sa$e
him, no one, perhaps, !ut the de$out and sympatheti% ma/or .ith the sharp
fa%e, .ho set a .ater tap dripping loudly into a sin' and returned to the
ta!le to lay a length of hea$y ru!!er hose do.n !eside the !rass 'nu%'les"
1$erything1s going to !e all right, Chaplain,1 the ma/or said en%ouragingly"
1)ou1$e got nothing to !e afraid of if you1re not guilty" ;hat are you so afraid
of5 )ou1re not guilty, are you51
1Sure he1s guilty,1 said the %olonel" 16uilty as hell"1
16uilty of .hat51 implored the %haplain, feeling more and more !e.ildered
and not 'no.ing .hi%h of the men to appeal to for mer%y" The third offi%er
.ore no insignia and lur'ed in silen%e off to the side" 1;hat did # do51
1That1s /ust .hat .e1re going to find out,1 ans.ered the %olonel, and he
sho$ed a pad and pen%il a%ross the ta!le to the %haplain" 1;rite your name
for us, .ill you5 #n your o.n hand.riting"1
1My o.n hand.riting51
1That1s right" +ny.here on the page"1 ;hen the %haplain had finished, the
%olonel too' the pad !a%' and held it up alongside a sheet of paper he
remo$ed from a folder" 1See51 he said to the ma/or, .ho had %ome to his
side and .as peering solemnly o$er his shoulder"
1They1re not the same, are they51 the ma/or admitted"
1# told you he did it"1
1-id .hat51 as'ed the %haplain"
1Chaplain, this %omes as a great sho%' to me,1 the ma/or a%%used in a tone
of hea$y lamentation"
1;hat does51
1# %an1t tell you ho. disappointed # am in you"1
17or .hat51 persisted the %haplain more fianti%ally" 1;hat ha$e # done51
17or this,1 replied the ma/or, and, .ith an air of disillusioned disgust, tossed
do.n on the ta!le the pad on .hi%h the %haplain had signed his name" 1This
isn1t your hand.riting"1
The %haplain !lin'ed rapidly .ith ama0ement" 13ut of %ourse it1s my
hand.riting"1
1,o it isn1t, Chaplain" )ou1re lying again"1
13ut # /ust .rote itB1 the %haplain %ried in e4asperation" 1)ou sa. me .rite it"1
1That1s /ust it,1 the ma/or ans.ered !itterly" 1# sa. you .rite it" )ou %an1t deny
that you did .rite it" + person .ho1ll lie a!out his o.n hand.riting .ill lie
a!out anything"1
13ut .ho lied a!out my o.n hand.riting51 demanded the %haplain,
forgetting his fear in the .a$e of anger and indignation that .elled up inside
him suddenly" 1+re you %ra0y or something5 ;hat are you !oth tal'ing
a!out51
1;e as'ed you to .rite your name in your o.n hand.riting" +nd you didn1t
do it"1
13ut of %ourse # did" #n .hose hand.riting did # .rite it if not my o.n51
1#n some!ody else1s"1
1;hose51
1That1s /ust .hat .e1re going to find out,1 threatened the %olonel"
1Tal', Chaplain"1
The %haplain loo'ed from one to the other of the t.o men .ith rising dou!t
and hysteria" 1That hand.riting is mine,1 he maintained passionately" 1;here
else is my hand.riting, if that isn1t it51
1*ight here,1 ans.ered the %olonel" +nd loo'ing $ery superior, he tossed
do.n on the ta!le a photostati% %opy of a pie%e of F mail in .hi%h
e$erything !ut the salutation 1-ear Mary1 had !een !lo%'ed out and on
.hi%h the %ensoring offi%er had .ritten, 1# long for you tragi%ally" *" ("
Shipman, Chaplain, :"S" +rmy"1 The %olonel smiled s%ornfully as he
.at%hed the %haplain1s fa%e turn %rimson" 1;ell, Chaplain5 -o you 'no.
.ho .rote that51
The %haplain too' a long moment to replyA he had re%ogni0ed )ossarian1s
hand.riting" 1,o"1
1)ou %an read, though, %an1t you51 the %olonel perse$ered sar%asti%ally"
1The author signed his name"1
1That1s my name there"1
1Then you .rote it" H""-"1
13ut # didn1t .rite it" That isn1t my hand.riting, either"1
1Then you signed your name in some!ody else1s hand.riting again,1 the
%olonel retorted .ith a shrug" 1That1s all that means"1
1(h, this is ridi%ulousB1 the %haplain shouted, suddenly losing all patien%e"
He /umped to his feet in a !la0ing fury, !oth fists %len%hed" 1#1m not going to
stand for this any longerB -o you hear5 T.el$e men .ere /ust 'illed, and #
ha$e no time for these silly 2uestions" )ou1$e no right to 'eep me here, and
#1m /ust not going to stand for it"1
;ithout saying a .ord, the %olonel pushed the %haplain1s %hest hard and
'no%'ed him !a%' do.n into the %hair, and the %haplain .as suddenly .ea'
and $ery mu%h afraid again" The ma/or pi%'ed up the length of ru!!er hose
and !egan tapping it mena%ingly against his open palm" The %olonel lifted
the !o4 of mat%hes, too' one out and held it poised against the stri'ing
surfa%e, .at%hing .ith glo.ering eyes for the %haplain1s ne4t sign of
defian%e" The %haplain .as pale and almost too petrified to mo$e" The
!right glare of the spotlight made him turn a.ay finallyA the dripping .ater
.as louder and almost un!eara!ly irritating" He .ished they .ould tell him
.hat they .anted so that he .ould 'no. .hat to %onfess" He .aited
tensely as the third offi%er, at a signal from the %olonel, am!led o$er from
the .all and seated himself on the ta!le /ust a fe. in%hes a.ay from the
%haplain" His fa%e .as e4pressionless, his eyes penetrating and %old"
1Turn off the light,1 he said o$er his shoulder in a lo., %alm $oi%e" 1#t1s $ery
annoying"1
The %haplain ga$e him a small smile of gratitude" 1Than' you, sir" +nd the
drip too, please"1
1&ea$e the drip,1 said the offi%er" 1That doesn1t !other me"1 He tugged up the
legs of his trousers a !it, as though to preser$e their natty %rease"
1Chaplain,1 he as'ed %asually, 1of .hat religious persuasion are you51
1#1m an +na!aptist, sir"1
1That1s a pretty suspi%ious religion, isn1t it51
1Suspi%ious51 in2uired the %haplain in a 'ind of inno%ent da0e" 1;hy, sir51
1;ell, # don1t 'no. a thing a!out it" )ou1ll ha$e to admit that, .on1t you5
-oesn1t that ma'e it pretty suspi%ious51
1# don1t 'no., sir,1 the %haplain ans.ered diplomati%ally, .ith an uneasy
stammer" He found the man1s la%' of insignia dis%on%erting and .as not
e$en sure he had to say 1sir1" ;ho .as he5 +nd .hat authority had he to
interrogate him5
1Chaplain, # on%e studied &atin" # thin' it1s only fair to .arn you of that !efore
# as' my ne4t 2uestion" -oesn1t the .ord +na!aptist simply mean that
you1re not a 3aptist51
1(h, no, sir" There1s mu%h more"1
1+re you a 3aptist51
1,o, sir"1
1Then you are not a 3aptist, aren1t you51
1Sir51
1# don1t see .hy you1re !i%'ering .ith me on that point" )ou1$e already
admitted it" ,o., Chaplain, to say you1re not a 3aptist doesn1t really tell us
anything a!out .hat you are, does it5 )ou %ould !e anything or anyone"1 He
leaned for.ard slightly and his manner too' on a shre.d and signifi%ant air"
1)ou %ould e$en !e,1 he added, 1;ashington #r$ing, %ouldn1t you51
1;ashington #r$ing51 the %haplain repeated .ith surprise"
1Come on, ;ashington,1 the %orpulent %olonel !ro'e in iras%i!ly" 1;hy don1t
you ma'e a %lean !reast of it5 ;e 'no. you stole that plum tomato"1
+fter a moment1s sho%', the %haplain giggled .ith ner$ous relief" 1(h,
is that itB1 he e4%laimed" 1,o. #1m !eginning to understand" # didn1t steal that
plum tomato, sir" Colonel Cath%art ga$e it to me" )ou %an e$en as' him if
you don1t !elie$e me"1
+ door opened at the other end of the room and Colonel Cath%art stepped
into the !asement as though from a %loset"
1Hello, Colonel" Colonel, he %laims you ga$e him that plum tomato" -id
you51
1;hy should # gi$e him a plum tomato51 ans.ered Colonel Cath%art"
1Than' you, Colonel" That .ill !e all"1
1#t1s a pleasure, Colonel,1 Colonel Cath%art replied, and he stepped !a%' out
of the !asement, %losing the door after him"
1;ell, Chaplain5 ;hat ha$e you got to say no.51
1He did gi$e it to meB1 the %haplain hissed in a .hisper that .as !oth fier%e
and fearful" 1He did gi$e it to meB1
1)ou1re not %alling a superior offi%er a liar are you, Chaplain51
1;hy should a superior offi%er gi$e you a plum tomato, Chaplain51
1#s that .hy you tried to gi$e it to Sergeant ;hit%om!, Chaplain5 3e%ause it
.as a hot tomato51
1,o, no, no,1 the %haplain protested, .ondering misera!ly .hy they .ere not
a!le to understand" 1# offered it to Sergeant ;hit%om! !e%ause # didn1t .ant
it"1
1;hy1d you steal it from Colonel Cath%art if you didn1t .ant it51
1# didn1t steal it from Colonel Cath%ard1
1Then .hy are you so guilty, if you didn1t steal it51
1#1m not guiltyB1
1Then .hy .ould .e !e 2uestioning you if you .eren1t guilty51
1(h, # don1t 'no.,1 the %haplain groaned, 'neading his fingers in his lap and
sha'ing his !o.ed and anguished head" 1# don1t 'no."1
1He thin's .e ha$e time to .aste,1 snorted the ma/or"
1Chaplain,1 resumed the offi%er .ithout insignia at a more leisurely pa%e,
lifting a type.ritten sheet of yello. paper from the open folder, 1# ha$e a
signed statement here from Colonel Cath%art asserting you stole that plum
tomato from him"1 He lay the sheet fa%e do.n on one side of the folder and
pi%'ed up a se%ond page from the other side" 1+nd # ha$e a notari0ed
affida$it from Sergeant ;hit%om! in .hi%h he states that he 'ne. the
tomato .as hot /ust from the .ay you tried to unload it on him"1
1# s.ear to 6od # didn1t steal it, sir,1 the %haplain pleaded .ith distress,
almost in tears" 1# gi$e you my sa%red .ord it .as not a hot tomato"1
1Chaplain, do you !elie$e in 6od51
1)es, sir" (f %ourse # do"1
1That1s odd, Chaplain,1 said the offi%er, ta'ing from the folder another
type.ritten yello. page, 1!e%ause # ha$e here in my hands no. another
statement from Colonel Cath%art in .hi%h he s.ears that you refused to %o9
operate .ith him in %ondu%ting prayer meetings in the !riefing room !efore
ea%h mission"1
+fter loo'ing !lan' a moment, the %haplain nodded 2ui%'ly .ith re%olle%tion"
1(h, that1s not 2uite true, sir,1 he e4plained eagerly" 1Colonel Cath%art ga$e
up the idea himself on%e he reali0ed enlisted men pray to the same 6od as
offi%ers"1
1He did #hat51 e4%laimed the offi%er in dis!elief"
1;hat nonsenseB1 de%lared the red9fa%ed %olonel, and s.ung a.ay from the
%haplain .ith dignity and annoyan%e"
1-oes he e4pe%t us to !elie$e that51 %ried the ma/or in%redulously"
The offi%er .ithout insignia %hu%'led a%idly" 1Chaplain, aren1t you stret%hing
things a !it far no.51 he in2uired .ith a smile that .as indulgent and
unfriendly"
13ut, sir, it1s the truth, sirB # s.ear it1s the truth"1
1# don1t see ho. that matters one .ay or the other,1 the offi%er ans.ered
non%halantly, and rea%hed side.ays again to.ard the open folder filled .ith
papers" 1Chaplain, did you say you did !elie$e in 6od in ans.er to my
2uestion5 # don1t remem!er"1
1)es, sir" # did say so, sir" # do !elie$e in 6od"1
1Then that really is $ery odd, Chaplain, !e%ause # ha$e here another
affida$it from Colonel Cath%art that states you on%e told him atheism .as
not against the la." -o you re%all e$er ma'ing a statement li'e that to
anyone51
The %haplain nodded .ithout any hesitation, feeling himself on $ery solid
ground no." 1)es, sir, # did ma'e a statement li'e that" # made it !e%ause
it1s true" +theism is not against the la."1
13ut that1s still no reason to say so, Chaplain, is it51 the offi%er %hided tartly,
fro.ning, and pi%'ed up still one more type.ritten, notari0ed page from the
folder" 1+nd here # ha$e another s.orn statement from Sergeant ;hit%om!
that says you opposed his plan of sending letters of %ondolen%e o$er
Colonel Cath%art1s signature to the ne4t of 'in of men 'illed or .ounded in
%om!at" #s that true51
1)es, sir, # did oppose it,1 ans.ered the %haplain" 1+nd #1m proud that # did"
Those letters are insin%ere and dishonest" Their only purpose is to !ring
glory to Colonel Cath%art"1
13ut .hat differen%e does that ma'e51 replied the offi%er" 1They still !ring
sola%e and %omfort to the families that re%ei$e them, don1t they5 Chaplain, #
simply %an1t understand your thin'ing pro%ess"1
The %haplain .as stumped and at a %omplete loss for a reply" He hung his
head, feeling tongue9tied and nai$e"
The ruddy stout %olonel stepped for.ard $igorously .ith a sudden idea"
1;hy don1t .e 'no%' his goddam !rains out51 he suggested .ith ro!ust
enthusiasm to the others"
1)es, .e %ould 'no%' his goddam !rains out, %ouldn1t .e51 the ha.'9fa%ed
ma/or agreed" 1He1s only an +na!aptist"1
1,o, .e1$e got to find him guilty first,1 the offi%er .ithout insignia %autioned
.ith a languid restraining .a$e" He slid lightly to the floor and mo$ed
around to the other side of the ta!le, fa%ing the %haplain .ith !oth hands
pressed flat on the surfa%e" His e4pression .as dar' and $ery stern, s2uare
and for!idding" 1Chaplain,1 he announ%ed .ith magisterial rigidity, 1.e
%harge you formally .ith !eing ;ashington #r$ing and ta'ing %apri%ious and
unli%ensed li!erties in %ensoring the letters of offi%ers and enlisted men" +re
you guilty or inno%ent51
1#nno%ent, sir"1 The %haplain li%'ed dry lips .ith a dry tongue and leaned
for.ard in suspense on the edge of his %hair"
16uilty,1 said the %olonel"
16uilty,1 said the ma/or"
16uilty it is, then,1 remar'ed the offi%er .ithout insignia, and .rote a .ord on
a page in the folder" 1Chaplain,1 he %ontinued, loo'ing up, 1.e a%%use you
also of the %ommission of %rimes and infra%tions .e don1t e$en 'no. a!out
yet" 6uilty or inno%ent51
1# don1t 'no., sir" Ho. %an # say if you don1t tell me .hat they are51
1Ho. %an .e tell you if .e don1t 'no.51
16uilty,1 de%ided the %olonel"
1Sure he1s guilty,1 agreed the ma/or" 1#f they1re his %rimes and infra%tions, he
must ha$e %ommitted them"1
16uilty it is, then,1 %hanted the offi%er .ithout insignia, and mo$ed off to the
side of the room" 1He1s all yours, Colonel"1
1Than' you,1 %ommended the %olonel" 1)ou did a $ery good /o!"1 He turned
to the %haplain" 1('ay, Chaplain, the /ig1s up" Ta'e a .al'"1
The %haplain did not understand" 1;hat do you .ish me to do51
16o on, !eat it, # told youB1 the %olonel roared, /er'ing a thum! o$er his
shoulder angrily" 16et the hell out of here"1
The %haplain .as sho%'ed !y his !elli%ose .ords and tone and, to his o.n
ama0ement and mystifi%ation, deeply %hagrined that they .ere turning him
loose" 1+ren1t you e$en going to punish me51 he in2uired .ith 2uerulous
surprise"
1)ou1re damned right .e1re going to punish you" 3ut .e1re %ertainly not
going to let you hang around .hile .e de%ide ho. and .hen to do it" So get
going" Hit the road"1
The %haplain rose tentati$ely and too' a fe. steps a.ay" 1#1m free to go51
17or the time !eing" 3ut don1t try to lea$e the island" ;e1$e got your num!er,
Chaplain" Just remem!er that .e1$e got you under sur$eillan%e t.enty9four
hours a day"1
#t .as not %on%ei$a!le that they .ould allo. him to lea$e" The %haplain
.al'ed to.ard the e4it gingerly, e4pe%ting at any instant to !e ordered !a%'
!y a peremptory $oi%e or halted in his tra%'s !y a hea$y !lo. on the
shoulder or the head" They did nothing to stop him" He found his .ay
through the stale, dar', dan' %orridors to the flight of stairs" He .as
staggering and panting .hen he %lim!ed out into the fresh air" +s soon as
he had es%aped, a feeling of o$er.helining moral outrage filled him" He .as
furious, more furious at the atro%ities of the day than he had e$er felt !efore
in his .hole life" He s.ept through the spa%ious, e%hoing lo!!y of the
!uilding in a temper of s%alding and $indi%ti$e resentment" He .as not
going to stand for it any more, he told himself, he .as simply not going to
stand for it" ;hen he rea%hed the entran%e, he spied, .ith a feeling of good
fortune, Colonel >orn trotting up the .ide steps alone" 3ra%ing himself .ith
a deep !reath, the %haplain mo$ed %ourageously for.ard to inter%ept him"
1Colonel, #1m not going to stand for it any more,1 he de%lared .ith $ehement
determination, and .at%hed in dismay as Colonel >orn .ent trotting !y up
the steps .ithout e$en noti%ing him" 1Colonel >ornB1
The tu!!y, loose figure of his superior offi%er stopped, turned and %ame
trotting !a%' do.n slo.ly" 1;hat is it, Chaplain51
1Colonel >orn, # .ant to tal' to you a!out the %rash this morning" #t .as a
terri!le thing to happen, terri!leB1
Colonel >orn .as silent a moment, regarding the %haplain .ith a glint of
%yni%al amusement" 1)es, Chaplain, it %ertainly .as terri!le,1 he said finally"
1# don1t 'no. ho# .e1re going to .rite this one up .ithout ma'ing oursel$es
loo' !ad"1
1That isn1t .hat # meant,1 the %haplain s%olded firmly .ithout any fear at all"
1Some of those t.el$e men had already finished their se$enty missions"1
Colonel >orn laughed" 1;ould it !e any less terri!le if they had all !een ne.
men51 he in2uired %austi%ally"
(n%e again the %haplain .as stumped" #mmoral logi% seemed to !e
%onfounding him at e$ery turn" He .as less sure of himself than !efore
.hen he %ontinued, and his $oi%e .a$ered" 1Sir, it /ust isn1t right to ma'e the
men in this group fly eighty missions .hen the men in other groups are
!eing sent home .ith fifty and fifty9fi$e"1
1;e1ll ta'e the matter under %onsideration,1 Colonel >orn said .ith !ored
disinterest, and started a.ay" '%dios, Padre"1
1;hat does that mean, sir51 the %haplain persisted in a $oi%e turning shrill"
Colonel >orn stopped .ith an unpleasant e4pression and too' a step !a%'
do.n" 1#t means .e1ll thin' a!out it, Padre,1 he ans.ered .ith sar%asm and
%ontempt" 1)ou .ouldn1t .ant us to do anything .ithout thin'ing a!out it,
.ould you51
1,o, sir, # suppose not" 3ut you ha$e !een thin'ing a!out it, ha$en1t you51
1)es, Padre, .e ha$e !een thin'ing a!out it" 3ut to ma'e you happy, .e1ll
thin' a!out it some more, and you1ll !e the first person .e1ll tell if .e rea%h
a ne. de%ision" +nd no., adios"1 Colonel >orn .hirled a.ay again and
hurried up the stairs"
1Colonel >ornB1 The %haplain1s %ry made Colonel >orn stop on%e more" His
head s.ung slo.ly around to.ard the %haplain .ith a loo' of morose
impatien%e" ;ords gushed from the %haplain in a ner$ous torrent" 1Sir, #
.ould li'e your permission to ta'e the matter to 6eneral -reedle" # .ant to
!ring my protests to ;ing Head2uarters"1
Colonel >orn1s thi%', dar' /o.ls inflated une4pe%tedly .ith a suppressed
guffa., and it too' him a moment to reply" 1That1s all right, Padre,1 he
ans.ered .ith mis%hie$ous merriment, trying hard to 'eep a straight fa%e"
1)ou ha$e my permission to spea' to 6eneral -reedle"1
1Than' you, sir" # !elie$e it only fair to .arn you that # thin' # ha$e some
influen%e .ith 6eneral -reedle"1
1#t1s good of you to .arn me, Padre" +nd # !elie$e it only fair to .arn you
that you .on1t find 6eneral -reedle at ;ing"1 Colonel >orn grinned .i%'edly
and then !ro'e into triumphant laughter" 16eneral -reedle is out, Padre"
+nd 6eneral Pe%'em is in" ;e ha$e a ne. .ing %ommander"1
The %haplain .as stunned" 16eneral Pe%'emB1
1That1s right, Chaplain" Ha$e you got any influen%e .ith him51
1;hy, # don1t e$en 'no. 6eneral Pe%'em,1 the %haplain protested
.ret%hedly"
Colonel >orn laughed again" 1That1s too !ad, Chaplain, !e%ause Colonel
Cath%art 'no.s him $ery .ell"1 Colonel >orn %hu%'led steadily .ith gloating
relish for another se%ond or t.o and then stopped a!ruptly" 1+nd !y the
.ay, Padre,1 he .arned %oldly, po'ing his finger on%e into the %haplain1s
%hest" 1The /ig is up !et.een you and -r" Stu!!s" ;e 'no. $ery .ell he
sent you up here to %omplain today"1
1-r" Stu!!s51 The %haplain shoo' his head in !affled protest" 1# ha$en1t seen
-r" Stu!!s, Colonel" # .as !rought here !y three strange offi%ers .ho too'
me do.n into the %ellar .ithout authority and 2uestioned and insulted me"1
Colonel >orn po'ed the %haplain in the %hest on%e more" 1)ou 'no.
damned .ell -r" Stu!!s has !een telling the men in his s2uadron they
didn1t ha$e to fly more than se$enty missions"1 He laughed harshly" 1;ell,
Padre, they do ha$e to fly more than se$enty missions, !e%ause .e1re
transferring -r" Stu!!s to the Pa%ifi%" So adios,Padre" %dios"1
*eneral Scheisskopf
-reedle .as out, and 6eneral Pe%'em .as in, and 6eneral Pe%'em had
hardly mo$ed inside 6eneral -reedle1s offi%e to repla%e him .hen his
splendid military $i%tory !egan falling to pie%es around him"
1+eneral S%heiss'opf51 he in2uired unsuspe%tingly of the sergeant in his
ne. offi%e .ho !rought him .ord of the order that had %ome in that
morning" 1)ou mean 'olonelS%heiss'opf, don1t you51
1,o, sir, 6eneral S%heiss'opf He .as promoted to general this morning, sir"1
1;ell, that1s %ertainly %uriousB S%heiss'opf5 + general5 ;hat grade51
1&ieutenant general, sir, and =1
1&ieutenant generalB1
1)es, sir, and he .ants you to issue no orders to anyone in your %ommand
.ithout first %learing them through him"1
1;ell, #1ll !e damned,1 mused 6eneral Pe%'em .ith astonishment, s.earing
aloud for perhaps the first time in his life" 1Cargill, did you hear that5
S%heiss'opf .as promoted .ay up to lieutenant general" #1ll !et that
promotion .as intended for me and they ga$e it to him !y mista'e"1
Colonel Cargill had !een ru!!ing his sturdy %hin refle%ti$ely" 1;hy is he
gi$ing orders to us51
6eneral Pe%'em1s slee', s%ru!!ed, distinguished fa%e tightened" 1)es,
Sergeant,1 he said slo.ly .ith an un%omprehending fro.n" 1;hy is he
issuing orders to us if he1s still in Spe%ial Ser$i%es and .e1re in %om!at
operations51
1That1s another %hange that .as made this morning, sir" +ll %om!at
operations are no. under the /urisdi%tion of Spe%ial Ser$i%es" 6eneral
S%heiss'opf is our ne. %ommanding offi%er"1
6eneral Pe%'em let out a sharp %ry" 1(h, my 6odB1 he .ailed, and all his
pra%ti%al %omposure .ent up in hysteria" 1S%heiss'opf in
%harge5 Scheisskopf"1 He pressed his fists do.n on his eyes .ith horror"
1Cargill, get me ;intergreenB Scheisskopf5 ,ot Scheisskopf1
+ll phones !egan ringing at on%e" + %orporal ran in and saluted"
1Sir, there1s a %haplain outside to see you .ith ne.s of an in/usti%e in
Colonel Cath%art1s s2uadron"1
1Send him a.ay, send him a.ayB ;e1$e got enough in/usti%es of our o.n"
;here1s ;intergreen51
1Sir, 6eneral S%heiss'opf is on the phone" He .ants to spea' to you at
on%e"1
1Tell him # ha$en1t arri$ed yet" 6ood &ordB1 6eneral Pe%'em s%reamed, as
though stru%' !y the enormity of the disaster for the first time"
1Scheisskopf" The man1s a moronB # .al'ed all o$er that !lo%'head, and
no. he1s my superior offi%er" (h, my &ordB CargillB Cargill, don1t desert meB
;here1s ;intergreen51
1Sir, # ha$e an e49Sergeant ;intergreen on your other telephone" He1s !een
trying to rea%h you all morning"1
16eneral, # %an1t get ;intergreen,1 Colonel Cargill shouted, 1His line is !usy"1
6eneral Pe%'em .as perspiring freely as he lunged for the other telephone"
1;intergreenB1
1Pe%'em, you son of a !it%h =1
1;intergreen, ha$e you heard .hat they1$e done51
1= .hat ha$e you done, you stupid !astard51
1They put S%heiss'opf in %harge of e$erythingB1
;intergreen .as shrie'ing .ith rage and pani%" 1)ou and your goddam
memorandumsB They1$e gone and transferred %om!at operations to Spe%ial
Ser$i%esB1
1(h, no,1 moaned 6eneral Pe%'em" 1#s that .hat did it5 My memoranda5 #s
that .hat made them put S%heiss'opf in %harge5 ;hy didn1t they put me in
%harge51
13e%ause you .eren1t in Spe%ial Ser$i%es any more" )ou transferred out
and left him in %harge" +nd do you 'no. .hat he .ants5 -o you 'no. .hat
the !astard .ants us all to do51
1Sir, # thin' you1d !etter tal' to 6eneral S%heiss'opf,1 pleaded the sergeant
ner$ously" 1He insists on spea'ing to someone"1
1Cargill, tal' to S%heiss'opf for me" # %an1t do it" 7ind out .hat he .ants"1
Colonel Cargill listened to 6eneral S%heiss'opf for a moment and .ent
.hite as a sheet" 1(h, my 6odB1 he %ried, as the phone fell from his fingers"
1-o you 'no. .hat he .ants5 He .ants us to mar%h" He
.ants everybody to mar%hB1
#i$ Sister
)ossarian mar%hed !a%'.ard .ith his gun on his hip and refused to fly any
more missions" He mar%hed !a%'.ard !e%ause he .as %ontinously
spinning around as he .al'ed to ma'e %ertain no one .as snea'ing up on
him from !ehind" $ery sound to his rear .as a .arning, e$ery person he
passed a potential assassin" He 'ept his hand on his gun !utt %onstantly
and smiled at no one !ut Hungry Joe" He told Captain Pilt%hard and
Captain ;ren that he .as through flying" Captain Pilt%hard and Captain
;ren left his name off the flight s%hedule for the ne4t mission and reported
the matter to 6roup Head2uarters"
Colonel >orn laughed %ahnly" 1;hat the de$il do you mean, he .on1t fly
more missions51 he as'ed .ith a smile, as Colonel Cath%art %rept a.ay into
a %orner to !rood a!out the sinister import of the name )ossarian popping
up to plague him on%e again" 1;hy .on1t he51
1His friend ,ately .as 'illed in the %rash o$er Spe0ia" May!e that1s .hy"1
1;ho does he thin' he is = +%hilles51 Colonel >orn .as pleased .ith the
simile and filed a mental reminder to repeat it the ne4t time he found himself
in 6eneral Pe%'em1s presen%e" 1He has to fly more missions" He has no
%hoi%e" 6o !a%' and tell him you1ll report the matter to us if he doesn1t
%hange his mind"1
1;e already did tell him that, sir" #t made no differen%e"1
1;hat does Ma/or Ma/or say51
1;e ne$er see Ma/or Ma/or" He seems to ha$e disappeared"1
1# .ish .e %ould disappear him1 Colonel Cath%art !lurted out from the
%orner pee$ishly" 1The .ay they did that fello. -un!ar"1
1(h, there are plenty of other .ays .e %an handle this one,1 Colonel >orn
assured him %onfidently, and %ontinued to Pilt%hard and ;ren, 1&et1s !egin
.ith the 'indest" Send him to *ome for a rest for a fe. days" May!e this
fello.1s death really did hurt him a !it"1
,ately1s death, in fa%t, almost 'illed )ossarian too, for .hen he !ro'e the
ne.s to ,ately1s .hore in *ome she uttered a pier%ing, heart!ro'en shrie'
and tried to sta! him to death .ith a potato peeler"
'6ruto' she ho.led at him in hysteri%al fury as he !ent her arm up around
!ehind her !a%' and t.isted gradually until the potato peeler dropped from
her grasp" '6ruto 6ruto' She lashed at him s.iftly .ith the long9nailed
fingers of her free hand and ra'ed open his %hee'" She spat in his fa%e
$i%iously"
1;hat1s the matter51 he s%reamed in stinging pain and !e.ilderment,
flinging her a.ay from him all the .ay a%ross the room to the .all" 1;hat do
you .ant from me51
She fle. !a%' at him .ith !oth fists flailing and !loodied his mouth .ith a
solid pun%h !efore he .as a!le to gra! her .rists and hold her still" Her hair
tossed .ildly" Tears .ere streaming in single torrents from her flashing,
hate9filled eyes as she struggled against him fier%ely in an irrational fren0y
of maddened might, snarling and %ursing sa$agely and s%reaming '6ruto
6ruto' ea%h time he tried to e4plain" Her great strength %aught him off
guard, and he lost his footing" She .as nearly as tall as )ossarian, and for
a fe. fantasti%, terror9filled moments he .as %ertain she .ould o$erpo.er
him in her %ra0ed determination, %rush him to the ground and rip him apart
mer%ilessly lim! from lim! for some heinous %rime he had ne$er %ommitted"
He .anted to yell for help as they stro$e against ea%h other franti%ally in a
grunting, panting stalemate, arm against arm" +t last she .ea'ened, and he
.as a!le to for%e her !a%' and plead .ith her to let him tal', s.earing to
her that ,ately1s death had not !een his fault" She spat in his fa%e again,
and he pushed her a.ay hard in disgusted anger and frustration" She
hurled herself do.n to.ard the potato peeler the instant he released her"
He flung himself do.n after her, and they rolled o$er ea%h other on the floor
se$eral times !efore he %ould tear the potato peeler a.ay" She tried to trip
him .ith her hand as he s%ram!led to his feet and s%rat%hed an
e4%ru%iating %hun' out of his an'le" He hopped a%ross the room in pain and
thre. the potato peeler out the .indo." He hea$ed a huge sigh of relief
on%e he sa. he .as safe"
1,o., please let me e4plain something to you,1 he %a/oled in a mature,
reasoning, earnest $oi%e"
She 'i%'ed him in the groin" !hoosh .ent the air out of him, and he san'
do.n on his side .ith a shrill and ululating %ry, dou!led up o$er his 'nees in
%haoti% agony and ret%hing for !reath" ,ately1s .hore ran from the room"
)ossarian staggered up to his feet not a moment too soon, for she %ame
%harging !a%' in from the 'it%hen %arrying a long !read 'nife" + moan of
in%redulous dismay .afted from his lips as, still %lut%hing his thro!!ing,
tender, !urning !o.els in !oth hands, he dropped his full .eight do.n
against her shins and 'no%'ed her legs out from under her" She flipped
%ompletely o$er his head and landed on the floor on her el!o.s .ith a
/arring thud" The 'nife s'ittered free, and he slapped it out of sight under the
!ed" She tried to lunge after it, and he sei0ed her !y the arm and yan'ed
her up" She tried to 'i%' him in the groin again, and he slung her a.ay .ith
a $iolent oath of his o.n" She slammed into the .all off !alan%e and
smashed a %hair o$er into a $anity ta!le %o$ered .ith %om!s, hair!rushes
and %osmeti% /ars that all .ent %rashing off" + framed pi%ture fell to the floor
at the other end of the room, the glass front shattering"
1;hat do you #ant from me51 he yelled at her in .hining and e4asperated
%onfusion" 1# didn1t 'ill him"1
She hurled a hea$y glass ash tray at his head" He made a fist and .anted
to pun%h her in the stoma%h .hen she %ame %harging at him again, !ut he
.as afraid he might harm her" He .anted to %lip her $ery neatly on the point
of the /a. and run from the room, !ut there .as no %lear target, and he
merely s'ipped aside neatly at the last se%ond and helped her along past
him .ith a strong sho$e" She !anged hard against the other .all" ,o. she
.as !lo%'ing the door" She thre. a large $ase at him" Then she %ame at
him .ith a full .ine !ottle and stru%' him s2uarely on the temple, 'no%'ing
him do.n half9stunned on one 'nee" His ears .ere !u00ing, his .hole fa%e
.as num!" More than anything else, he .as em!arrassed" He felt a.'.ard
!e%ause she .as going to murder him" He simply did not understand .hat
.as going on" He had no idea #hat to do. 3ut he did 'no. he had to sa$e
himself, and he %atapulted for.ard off the floor .hen he sa. her raise the
.ine !ottle to %lout him again and !arreled into her midriff !efore she %ould
stri'e him" He had momentum, and he propelled her !efore him !a%'.ard
in his dri$ing rush until her 'nees !u%'led against the side of the !ed and
she fell o$er onto the mattress .ith )ossarian spra.led on top of her
!et.een her legs" She plunged her nails into the side of his ne%' and
gouged as he .or'ed his .ay up the supple, full hills and ledges of her
rounded !ody until he %o$ered her %ompletely and pressed her into
su!mission, his fingers pursuing her thrashing arm persistently until they
arri$ed at the .ine !ottle finally and .ren%hed it free" She .as still 'i%'ing
and %ursing and s%rat%hing fero%iously" She tried to !ite him %ruelly, her
%oarse, sensual lips stret%hed !a%' o$er her teeth li'e an enraged
omni$orous !east1s" ,o. that she lay %apti$e !eneath him, he .ondered
ho. he .ould e$er es%ape her .ithout lea$ing himself $ulnera!le" He %ould
feel the tensed, straddling inside of her !uffeting thighs and 'nees
s2uee0ing and %hurning around one of his legs" He .as stirred !y thoughts
of se4 that made him ashamed" He .as %ons%ious of the $oluptuous flesh
of her firm, young9.oman1s !ody straining and !eating against him li'e a
humid, fluid, dele%ta!le, unyielding tide, her !elly and .arm, li$e, plasti%
!reasts thrusting up.ard against him $igorously in s.eet and mena%ing
temptation" Her !reath .as s%alding" +ll at on%e he reali0ed = though the
.rithing tur!ulen%e !eneath him had not diminished one .hit = that she
.as no longer grappling .ith him, re%ogni0ed .ith a 2ui$er that she .as not
fighting him !ut hea$ing her pel$is up against him remorselessly in the
primal, po.erful, rhapsodi% instin%tual rhythm of eroti% ardor and
a!andonment" He gasped in delighted surprise" Her fa%e = as !eautiful as
a !looming flo.er to him no. = .as distorted .ith a ne. 'ind of torture,
the tissues serenely s.ollen, her half9%losed eyes misty and unseeing .ith
the stultifying languor of desire"
1'aro,1 she murmured hoarsely as though from the depths of a tran2uil and
lu4urious tran%e" 1(oooh, caro mio"1
He stro'ed her hair" She dro$e her mouth against his fa%e .ith sa$age
passion" He li%'ed her ne%'" She .rapped her arms around him and
hugged" He felt himself falling, falling e%stati%ally in lo$e .ith her as she
'issed him again and again .ith lips that .ere steaming and .et and soft
and hard, mum!ling deep sounds to him adoringly in an in%oherent o!li$ion
of rapture, one %aressing hand on his !a%' slipping deftly do.n inside his
trouser !elt .hile the other groped se%retly and trea%herously a!out on the
floor for the !read 'nife and found it" He sa$ed himself /ust in time" She still
.anted to 'ill himB He .as sho%'ed and astounded !y her depra$ed
su!teruge as he tore the 'nife from her grasp and hurled it a.ay" He
!ounded out of the !ed to his feet" His fa%e .as agog .ith !efuddlement
and disillusion" He did not 'no. .hether to dart through the door to
freedom or %ollapse on the !ed to fall in lo$e .ith her and pla%e himself
a!/e%tly at her mer%y again" She spared him from doing either !y !ursting
unpredi%ta!ly into tears" He .as stunned again"
This time she .ept .ith no other emotion than grief, profound, de!ilitating,
hum!le grief, forgetting all a!out him" Her desolation .as patheti% as she
sat .ith her tempestuous, proud, lo$ely head !o.ed, her shoulders
sagging, her spirit melting" This time there .as no mista'ing her anguish"
6reat ra%'ing so!s %ho'ed and shoo' her" She .as no longer a.are of
him, no longer %ared" He %ould ha$e .al'ed from the room safely then" 3ut
he %hose to remain and %onsole and help her"
1Please,1 he urged her inarti%ulately .ith his arm a!out her shoulders,
re%olle%ting .ith pained sadness ho. inarti%ulate and enfee!led he had felt
in the plane %oming !a%' from +$ignon .hen Sno.den 'ept .himpering to
him that he .as %old, he .as %old, and all )ossarian %ould offer him in
return .as 1There, there" There, there"1 1Please,1 he repeated to her
sympatheti%ally" 1Please, please"1
She rested against him and %ried until she seemed too .ea' to %ry any
longer, and did not loo' at him on%e until he e4tended his hand'er%hief
.hen she had finished" She .iped her %hee's .ith a tiny, polite smile and
ga$e the hand'er%hief !a%', murmuring 1+ra-ie, gra-ie1 .ith mee',
maidenly propriety, and then, .ithout any .arning .hatsoe$er of a %hange
in mood, %la.ed suddenly at his eyes .ith !oth hands" She landed .ith
ea%h and let out a $i%torious shrie'"
1HaB %ssassino1 she hooted, and ra%ed /oyously a%ross the room for the
!read 'nife to finish him off"
Half !linded, he rose and stum!led after her" + noise !ehind him made him
turn" His senses reeled in horror at .hat he sa." ,ately1s .hore1s 'id sister,
of all people, .as %oming after him .ith another long !read 'nifeB
1(h, no,1 he .ailed .ith a shudder, and he 'no%'ed the 'nife out of her
hand .ith a sharp do.n.ard !lo. on her .rist" He lost patien%e entirely
.ith the .hole grotes2ue and in%omprehensi!le melee" There .as no
telling .ho might lunge at him ne4t through the door.ay .ith another long
!read 'nife, and he lifted ,ately1s .hore1s 'id sister off the floor, thre. her
at ,ately1s .hore and ran out of the room, out of the apartment and do.n
the stairs" The t.o girls %hased out into the hall after him" He heard their
footsteps lag farther and farther !ehind as he fled and then %ease
altogether" He heard so!!ing dire%tly o$erhead" 6lan%ing !a%'.ard up the
stair .ell, he spied ,ately1s .hore sitting in a heap on one of the steps,
.eeping .ith her fa%e in !oth hands, .hile her pagan, irrepressi!le 'id
sister hung dangerously o$er the !anister shouting'6ruto 6ruto' do.n at
him happily and !randished her !read 'nife at him as though it .ere an
e4%iting ne. toy she .as eager to use"
)ossarian es%aped, !ut 'ept loo'ing !a%' o$er his shoulder an4iously as he
retreated through the street" People stared at him strangely, ma'ing him
more apprehensi$e" He .al'ed in ner$ous haste, .ondering .hat there .as
in his appearan%e that %aught e$eryone1s attention" ;hen he tou%hed his
hand to a sore spot on his forehead, his fingers turned gooey .ith !lood,
and he understood" He da!!ed his fa%e and ne%' .ith a hand'er%hief"
;here$er it pressed, he pi%'ed up ne. red smudges" He .as !leeding
e$ery.here" He hurried into the *ed Cross !uilding and do.n the t.o steep
flights of .hite mar!le stairs to the men1s .ashroom, .here he %leansed
and nursed his innumera!le $isi!le .ounds .ith %old .ater and soap and
straightened his shirt %ollar and %om!ed his hair" He had ne$er seen a fa%e
so !adly !ruised and s%rat%hed as the one still !lin'ing !a%' at him in the
mirror .ith a da0ed and startled uneasiness" ;hat on earth had she .anted
from him"
;hen he left the men1s room, ,ately1s .hore .as .aiting outside in
am!ush" She .as %rou%hed against the .all near the !ottom of the
stair%ase and %ame poun%ing do.n upon him li'e a ha.' .ith a glittering
sil$er stea' 'nife in her fist" He !ro'e the !runt of her assault .ith his
upraised el!o. and pun%hed her neatly on the /a." Her eyes rolled" He
%aught her !efore she dropped and sat her do.n gently" Then he ran up the
steps and out of the !uilding and spent the ne4t three hours hunting through
the %ity for Hungry Joe so that he %ould get a.ay from *ome !efore she
%ould find him again" He did not feel really safe until the plane had ta'en off"
;hen they landed in Pianosa, ,ately1s .hore, disguised in a me%hani%1s
green o$eralls, .as .aiting .ith her stea' 'nife e4a%tly .here the plane
stopped, and all that sa$ed him as she sta!!ed at his %hest in her leather9
soled high9heeled shoes .as the gra$el underfoot that made her feet roll
out from under her" )ossarian, astounded, hauled her up into the plane and
held her motionless on the floor in a dou!le armlo%' .hile Hungry Joe
radioed the %ontrol to.er for permission to return to *ome" +t the airport in
*ome, )ossarian dumped her out of the plane on the ta4i strip, and Hungry
Joe too' right off for Pianosa again .ithout e$en %utting his engines"
S%ar%ely !reathing, )ossarian s%rutini0ed e$ery figure .arily as he and
Hungry Joe .al'ed !a%' through the s2uadron to.ard their tents" Hungry
Joe eyed him steadily .ith a funny e4pression"
1+re you sure you didn1t imagine the .hole thing51 Hungry Joe in2uired
hesitantly after a .hile"
1#magine it5 )ou .ere right there .ith me, .eren1t you5 )ou /ust fle. her
!a%' to *ome"1
1May!e # imagined the .hole thing, too" ;hy does she .ant to 'ill you for51
1She ne$er did li'e me" May!e it1s !e%ause # !ro'e his nose, or may!e it1s
!e%ause # .as the only one in sight she %ould hate .hen she got the ne.s"
-o you thin' she1ll %ome !a%'51
)ossarian .ent to the offi%ers1 %lu! that night and stayed $ery late" He 'ept
a leery eye out for ,ately1s .hore as he approa%hed his tent" He stopped
.hen he sa. her hiding in the !ushes around the side, gripping a huge
%ar$ing 'nife and all dressed up to loo' li'e a Pianosan farmer" )ossarian
tiptoed around the !a%' noiselessly and sei0ed her from !ehind"
''aramba' she e4%laimed in a rage, and resisted li'e a .ild%at as he
dragged her inside the tent and hurled her do.n on the floor"
1Hey, .hat1s going on51 2ueried one of his roommates dro.sily"
1Hold her till # get !a%',1 )ossarian ordered, yan'ing him out of !ed on top of
her and running out" 1Hold herB1
1&et me 'ill him and #1ll fi%'y9fi%' you all,1 she offered"
The other roommates leaped out of their %ots .hen they sa. it .as a girl
and tried to ma'e her fi%'y9fi%' them all first as )ossarian ran to get Hungry
Joe, .ho .as sleeping li'e a !a!y" )ossarian lifted Huple1s %at off Hungry
Joe1s fa%e and shoo' him a.a'e" Hungry Joe dressed rapidly" This time
they fle. the plane north and turned in o$er #taly far !ehind the enemy
lines" ;hen they .ere o$er le$el land, they strapped a para%hute on
,ately1s .hore and sho$ed her out the es%ape hat%h" )ossarian .as
positi$e that he .as at last rid of her and .as relie$ed" +s he approa%hed
his tent !a%' in Pianosa, a figure reared up in the dar'ness right !eside the
path, and he fainted" He %ame to sitting on the ground and .aited for the
'nife to stri'e him, almost .el%oming the mortal !lo. for the pea%e it .ould
!ring" + friendly hand helped him up instead" #t !elonged to a pilot in
-un!ar1s s2uadron"
1Ho. are you doing51 as'ed the pilot, .hispering"
1Pretty good,1 )ossarian ans.ered"
1# sa. you fall do.n /ust no." # thought something happened to you"1
1# thin' # fainted"1
1There1s a rumor in my s2uadron that you told them you .eren1t going to fly
any more %om!at missions"1
1That1s the truth"1
1Then they %ame around from 6roup and told us that the rumor .asn1t true,
that you .ere /ust 'idding around"1
1That .as a lie"1
1-o you thin' they1ll let you get a.ay .ith it51
1# don1t 'no."1
1;hat .ill they do to you51
1# don1t 'no."1
1-o you thin' they1ll %ourt9martial you for desertion in the fa%e of the
enemy51
1# don1t 'no."1
1# hope you get a.ay .ith it,1 said the pilot in -un!ar1s s2uadron, stealing
out of sight into the shado.s" 1&et me 'no. ho. you1re doing"1
)ossarian stared after him a fe. se%onds and %ontinued to.ard his tent"
1PssstB1 said a $oi%e a fe. pa%es on.ard" #t .as +pple!y, hiding in !a%' of a
tree" 1Ho. are you doing51
1Pretty good,1 said )ossarian"
1# heard them say they .ere going to threaten to %ourt9martial you for
deserting in the fa%e of the enemy" 3ut that they .ouldn1t try to go through
.ith it !e%ause they1re not e$en sure they1$e got a %ase against you on that"
+nd !e%ause it might ma'e them loo' !ad .ith the ne. %ommanders"
3esides, you1re still a pretty !ig hero for going around t.i%e o$er the !ridge
at 7errara" # guess you1re /ust a!out the !iggest hero .e1$e got no. in the
group" # /ust thought you1d li'e to 'no. that they1ll only !e !luffing"1
1Than's, +pple!y"1
1That1s the only reason # started tal'ing to you, to .arn you"1
1# appre%iate it"1
+pple!y s%uffed the toes of his shoes into the ground sheepishly" 1#1m sorry
.e had that fist fight in the offi%ers1 %lu!, )ossarian"1
1That1s all right"1
13ut # didn1t start it" # guess that .as (rr1s fault for hitting me in the fa%e .ith
his ping9pong paddle" ;hat1d he .ant to do that for51
1)ou .ere !eating him"1
1;asn1t # supposed to !eat him5 #sn1t that the point5 ,o. that he1s dead, #
guess it doesn1t matter any more .hether #1m a !etter ping9pong player or
not, does it51
1# guess not"1
1+nd #1m sorry a!out ma'ing su%h a fuss a!out those +ta!rine ta!lets on the
.ay o$er" #f you .ant to %at%h malaria, # guess it1s your !usiness, isn1t it51
1That1s all right, +pple!y"1
13ut # .as only trying to do my duty" # .as o!eying orders" # .as al.ays
taught that # had to o!ey orders"1
1That1s all right"1
1)ou 'no., # said to Colonel >orn and Colonel Cath%art that # didn1t thin'
they ought to ma'e you fly any more missions if you didn1t .ant to, and they
said they .ere $ery disappointed in me"1
)ossarian smiled .ith rueful amusement" 1#1ll !et they are"1
1;ell, # don1t %are" Hell, you1$e flo.n se$enty9one" That ought to !e enough"
-o you thin' they1ll let you get a.ay .ith it51
1,o"1
1Say, if they do let you get a.ay .ith it, they1ll ha$e to let the rest of us get
a.ay .ith it, .on1t they51
1That1s .hy they %an1t let me get a.ay .ith it"1
1;hat do you thin' they1ll do51
1# don1t 'no."1
1-o you thin' they .ill try to %ourt9martial you51
1# don1t 'no."1
1+re you afraid51
1)es"1
1+re you going to fly more missions51
1,o"1
1# hope you do get a.ay .ith it,1 +pple!y .hispered .ith %on$i%tion" 1# really
do"1
1Than's, +pple!y"1
1# don1t feel too happy a!out flying so many missions either no. that it loo's
as though .e1$e got the .ar .on" #1ll let you 'no. if # hear anything else"1
1Than's, +pple!y"1
1HeyB1 %alled a muted, peremptory $oi%e from the leafless shru!s gro.ing
!eside his tent in a .aist9high %lump after +pple!y had gone" Ha$ermeyer
.as hiding there in a s2uat" He .as eating peanut !rittle, and his pimples
and large, oily pores loo'ed li'e dar' s%ales" 1Ho. you doing51 he as'ed
.hen )ossarian had .al'ed to him"
1Pretty good"1
1+re you going to fly more missions51
1,o"1
1Suppose they try to ma'e you51
1# .on1t let them"1
1+re you yello.51
1)es"1
1;ill they %ourt9martial you51
1They1ll pro!a!ly try"1
1;hat did Ma/or Ma/or say51
1Ma/or Ma/or1s gone"1
1-id they disappear him51
1# don1t 'no."1
1;hat .ill you do if they de%ide to disappear you51
1#1ll try to stop them"1
1-idn1t they offer you any deals or anything if you did fly51
1Pilt%hard and ;ren said they1d arrange things so #1d only go on mil' runs"1
Ha$ermeyer per'ed up" 1Say, that sounds li'e a pretty good deal" # .ouldn1t
mind a deal li'e that myself" # !et you snapped it up"1
1# turned it do.n"1
1That .as dum!"1 Ha$ermeyer1s stolid, dull fa%e furro.ed .ith %onsternation"
1Say, a deal li'e that .asn1t so fair to the rest of us, .as it5 #f you only fle.
on mil' runs, then some of us .ould ha$e to fly your share of the dangerous
missions, .ouldn1t .e51
1That1s right"1
1Say, # don1t li'e that,1 Ha$ermeyer e4%laimed, rising resentfully .ith his
hands %len%hed on his hips" 1# don1t li'e that a !it" That1s a real royal
s%re.ing they1re getting ready to gi$e me /ust !e%ause you1re too goddam
yello. to fly any more missions, isn1t it51
1Ta'e it up .ith them,1 said )ossarian and mo$ed his hand to his gun
$igilantly"
1,o, #1m not !laming you,1 said Ha$ermeyer, 1e$en though # don1t li'e you"
)ou 'no., #1m not too happy a!out flying so many missions any more
either" #sn1t there some .ay # %an get out of it, too51
)ossarian sni%'ered ironi%ally and /o'ed, 1Put a gun on and start mar%hing
.ith me"1
Ha$ermeyer shoo' his head thoughtfully" 1,ah, # %ouldn1t do that" # might
!ring some disgra%e on my .ife and 'id if # a%ted li'e a %o.ard" ,o!ody
li'es a %o.ard" 3esides, # .ant to stay in the reser$es .hen the .ar is o$er"
)ou get fi$e hundred dollars a year if you stay in the reser$es"1
1Then fly more missions"1
1)eah, # guess # ha$e to" Say, do you thin' there1s any %han%e they might
ta'e you off %om!at duty and send you home51
1,o"1
13ut if they do and let you ta'e one person .ith you, .ill you pi%' me5 -on1t
pi%' anyone li'e +pple!y" Pi%' me"1
1;hy in the .orld should they do something li'e that51
1# don1t 'no." 3ut if they do, /ust remem!er that # as'ed you first, .ill you5
+nd let me 'no. ho. you1re doing" #1ll .ait for you here in these !ushes
e$ery night" May!e if they don1t do anything !ad to you, # .on1t fly any more
missions either" ('ay51
+ll the ne4t e$ening, people 'ept popping up at him out of the dar'ness to
as' him ho. he .as doing, appealing to him for %onfidential information
.ith .eary, trou!led fa%es on the !asis of some mor!id and %landestine
'inship he had not guessed e4isted" People in the s2uadron he !arely 'ne.
popped into sight out of no.here as he passed and as'ed him ho. he .as
doing" $en men from other s2uadrons %ame one !y one to %on%eal
themsel$es in the dar'ness and pop out" $ery.here he stepped after
sundo.n someone .as lying in .ait to pop out and as' him ho. he .as
doing" People popped out at him from trees and !ushes, from dit%hes and
tall .eeds, from around the %orners of tents and from !ehind the fenders of
par'ed %ars" $en one of his roommates popped out to as' him ho. he
.as doing and pleaded .ith him not to tell any of his other roommates he
had popped out" )ossarian dre. near ea%h !e%'oning, o$erly %autious
silhouette .ith his hand on his gun, ne$er 'no.ing .hi%h hissing shado.
.ould finally turn dishonestly into ,ately1s .hore or, .orse, into some duly
%onstituted go$ernmental authority sent to %lu! him ruthlessly into
insensi!ility" #t !egan to loo' as if they .ould ha$e to do something li'e that"
They did not .ant to %ourt9martial him for desertion in the fa%e of the enemy
!e%ause a hundred and thirty9fi$e miles a.ay from the enemy %ould hardly
!e %alled the fa%e of the enemy, and !e%ause )ossarian .as the one .ho
had finally 'no%'ed do.n the !ridge at 7errara !y going around t.i%e o$er
the target and 'illing >raft = he .as al.ays almost forgetting >raft .hen he
%ounted the dead men he 'ne." 3ut they had to do something to him, and
e$eryone .aited grimly to see .hat horri!le thing it .ould !e"
-uring the day, they a$oided him, e$en +arfy, and )ossarian understood
that they .ere different people together in daylight than they .ere alone in
the dar'" He did not %are a!out them at all as he .al'ed a!out !a%'.ard
.ith his hand on his gun and a.aited the latest !landishments, threats and
indu%ements from 6roup ea%h time Captains Pilt%hard and ;ren dro$e
!a%' from another urgent %onferen%e .ith Colonel Cath%art and Colonel
>orn" Hungry Joe .as hardly around, and the only other person .ho e$er
spo'e to him .as Captain 3la%', .ho %alled him 1(ld 3lood and 6uts1 in a
merry, taunting $oi%e ea%h time he hailed him and .ho %ame !a%' from
*ome to.ard the end of the .ee' to tell him ,ately1s .hore .as gone"
)ossarian turned sorry .ith a sta! of yearning and remorse" He missed her"
16one51 he e%hoed in a hollo. tone"
1)eah, gone"1 Captain 3la%' laughed, his !leary eyes narro. .ith fatigue
and his pea'ed, sharp fa%e sprouting as usual .ith a sparse reddish9!lond
stu!!le" He ru!!ed the !ags under his eyes .ith !oth fists" 1# thought # might
as .ell gi$e the stupid !road another !off /ust for old times1 sa'e as long as
# .as in *ome any.ay" )ou 'no., /ust to 'eep that 'id ,ately1s !ody
spinning in his gra$e, ha, haB *emem!er the .ay # used to needle him5 3ut
the pla%e .as empty"1
1;as there any .ord from her51 prodded )ossarian, .ho had !een !rooding
in%essantly a!out the girl, .ondering ho. mu%h she .as suffering, and
feeling almost lonely and deserted .ithout her fero%ious and unappeasa!le
atta%'s"
1There1s no one there,1 Captain 3la%' e4%laimed %heerfully, trying to ma'e
)ossarian understand" 1-on1t you understand5 They1re all gone" The .hole
pla%e is !usted"1
16one51
1)eah, gone" 7lushed right out into the street"1 Captain 3la%' %hu%'led
heartily again, and his pointed +dam1s apple /umped up and do.n .ith glee
inside his s%raggly ne%'" 1The /oint1s empty" The M"P"s !usted the .hole
apartment up and dro$e the .hores right out" +in1t that a laugh51
)ossarian .as s%ared and !egan to trem!le" 1;hy1d they do that51
1;hat differen%e does it ma'e5 responded Captain 3la%' .ith an e4u!erant
gesture" 1They flushed them right out into the street" Ho. do you li'e that5
The .hole !at%h"1
1;hat a!out the 'id sister51
17lushed a.ay,1 laughed Captain 3la%'" 17lushed a.ay .ith the rest of the
!roads" *ight out into the street"1
13ut she1s only a 'idB1 )ossarian o!/e%ted passionately" 1She doesn1t 'no.
any!ody else in the .hole %ity" ;hat1s going to happen to her51
1;hat the hell do # %are51 responded Captain 3la%' .ith an indifferent shrug,
and then ga.'ed suddenly at )ossarian .ith surprise and .ith a %rafty
gleam of prying elation" 1Say, .hat1s the matter5 #f # 'ne. this .as going to
ma'e you so unhappy, # .ould ha$e %ome right o$er and told you, /ust to
ma'e you eat your li$er" Hey, .here are you going5 Come on !a%'B Come
on !a%' here and eat your li$erB1
The (ternal City
)ossarian .as going a!sent .ithout offi%ial lea$e .ith Milo, .ho, as the
plane %ruised to.ard *ome, shoo' his head reproa%hfully and, .ith pious
lips pulsed, informed )ossarian in e%%lesiasti%al tones that he .as
ashamed of him" )ossarian nodded" )ossarian .as ma'ing an un%outh
spe%ta%le of himself !y .al'ing around !a%'.ard .ith his gun on his hip
and refusing to fly more %om!at missions, Milo said" )ossarian nodded" #t
.as disloyal to his s2uadron and em!arrassing to his superiors" He .as
pla%ing Milo in a $ery un%omforta!le position, too" )ossarian nodded again"
The men .ere starting to grum!le" #t .as not fair for )ossarian to thin' only
of his o.n safety .hile men li'e Milo, Colonel Cath%art, Colonel >orn and
e49P"7"C" ;intergreen .ere .illing to do e$erything they %ould to .in the
.ar" The men .ith se$enty missions .ere starring to grum!le !e%ause they
had to fly eighty, and there .as a danger some of them might put on guns
and !egin .al'ing around !a%'.ard, too" Morale .as deteriorating and it
.as all )ossarian1s fault" The %ountry .as in perilA he .as /eopardi0ing his
traditional rights of freedom and independen%e !y daring to e4er%ise them"
)ossarian 'ept nodding in the %o9pilot1s seat and tried not to listen as Milo
prattled on" ,ately1s .hore .as on his mind, as .ere >raft and (rr and
,ately and -un!ar, and >id Sampson and M%;att, and all the poor and
stupid and diseased people he had seen in #taly, gypt and ,orth +fri%a
and 'ne. a!out in other areas of the .orld, and Sno.den and ,ately1s
.hore1s 'id sister .ere on his %ons%ien%e, too" )ossarian thought he 'ne.
.hy ,ately1s .hore held him responsi!le for ,ately1s death and .anted to
'ill him" ;hy the hell shouldn1t she5 #t .as a man1s .orld, and she and
e$eryone younger had e$ery right to !lame him and e$eryone older for
e$ery unnatural tragedy that !efell themA /ust as she, e$en in her grief, .as
to !lame for e$ery man9made misery that landed on her 'id sister and on all
other %hildren !ehind her" Someone had to do something sometime" $ery
$i%tim .as a %ulprit, e$ery %ulprit a $i%tim, and some!ody had to stand up
sometime to try to !rea' the lousy %hain of inherited ha!it that .as
imperiling them all" #n parts of +fri%a little !oys .ere still stolen a.ay !y
adult sla$e traders and sold for money to men .ho disem!o.eled them and
ate them" )ossarian mar$eled that %hildren %ould suffer su%h !ar!ari%
sa%rifi%e .ithout e$in%ing the slightest hint of fear or pain" He too' it for
granted that they did su!mit so stoi%ally" #f not, he reasoned, the %ustom
.ould %ertainly ha$e died, for no %ra$ing for .ealth or immortality %ould !e
so great, he felt, as to su!sist on the sorro. of %hildren"
He .as ro%'ing the !oat, Milo said, and )ossarian nodded on%e more" He
.as not a good mem!er of the team, Milo said" )ossarian nodded and
listened to Milo tell him that the de%ent thing to do if he did not li'e the .ay
Colonel Cath%art and Colonel >orn .ere running the group .as go to
*ussia, instead of stirring up trou!le" Colonel Cath%art and Colonel >orn
had !oth !een $ery good to )ossarian, Milo saidA hadn1t they gi$en him a
medal after the last mission to 7errara and promoted him to %aptain5
)ossarian nodded" -idn1t they feed him and gi$e him his pay e$ery month5
)ossarian nodded again" Milo .as sure they .ould !e %harita!le if he .ent
to them to apologi0e and re%ant and promise to fly eighty missions"
)ossarian said he .ould thin' it o$er, and held his !reath and prayed for a
safe landing as Milo dropped his .heels and glided in to.ard the run.ay" #t
.as funny ho. he had really %ome to detest flying"
*ome .as in ruins, he sa., .hen the plane .as do.n" The airdrome had
!een !om!ed eight months !efore, and 'no!!y sla!s of .hite stone ru!!le
had !een !ulldo0ed into flat9topped heaps on !oth sides of the entran%e
through the .ire fen%e surrounding the field" The Colosseum .as a
dilapidated shell, and the +r%h of Constantine had fallen" ,ately1s .hore1s
apartment .as a sham!les" The girls .ere gone, and the only one there
.as the old .oman" The .indo.s in the apartment had !een smashed" She
.as !undled up in s.eaters and s'irts and .ore a dar' sha.l a!out her
head" She sat on a .ooden %hair near an ele%tri% hot plate, her arms
folded, !oiling .ater in a !attered aluminum pot" She .as tal'ing aloud to
herself .hen )ossarian entered and !egan moaning as soon as she sa.
him"
16one,1 she moaned !efore he %ould e$en in2uire" Holding her el!o.s, she
ro%'ed !a%' and forth mournfully on her %rea'ing %hair" 16one"1
1;ho51
1+ll" +ll the poor young girls"1
1;here51
1+.ay" Chased a.ay into the street" +ll of them gone" +ll the poor young
girls"1
1Chased a.ay !y .ho5 ;ho did it51
1The mean tall soldiers .ith the hard .hite hats and %lu!s" +nd !y
our carabinieri. They %ame .ith their %lu!s and %hased them a.ay" They
.ould not e$en let them ta'e their %oats" The poor things" They /ust %hased
them a.ay into the %old"1
1-id they arrest them51
1They %hased them a.ay" They /ust %hased them a.ay"1
1Then .hy did they do it if they didn1t arrest them51
1# don1t 'no.,1 so!!ed the old .oman" 1# don1t 'no." ;ho .ill ta'e %are of
me5 ;ho .ill ta'e %are of me no. that all the poor young girls are gone5
;ho .ill ta'e %are of me51
1There must ha$e !een a reason,1 )ossarian persisted, pounding his fist into
his hand" 1They %ouldn1t /ust !arge in here and %hase e$eryone out"1
1,o reason,1 .ailed the old .oman" 1,o reason"1
1;hat right did they ha$e51
1Cat%h9<<"1
1!hat"1 )ossarian fro0e in his tra%'s .ith fear and alarm and felt his .hole
!ody !egin to tingle" 1!hat did you say51
1Cat%h9<<1 the old .oman repeated, ro%'ing her head up and do.n" 1Cat%h9
<<" Cat%h9<< says they ha$e a right to do anything .e %an1t stop them from
doing"1
1;hat the hell are you tal'ing a!out51 )ossarian shouted at her in
!e.ildered, furious protest" 1Ho. did you 'no. it .as Cat%h9<<5 ;ho the
hell told you it .as Cat%h9<<51
1The soldiers .ith the hard .hite hats and %lu!s" The girls .ere %rying" G-id
.e do anything .rong5G they said" The men said no and pushed them a.ay
out the door .ith the ends of their %lu!s" GThen .hy are you %hasing us
out5G the girls said" GCat%h9<<,G the men said" G;hat right do you ha$e5G the
girls said" GCat%h9<<,G the men said" +ll they 'ept saying .as GCat%h9<<,
Cat%h9<<"G ;hat does it mean, Cat%h9<<5 ;hat is Cat%h9<<51
1-idn1t they sho. it to you51 )ossarian demanded, stamping a!out in anger
and distress" 1-idn1t you e$en ma'e them read it51
1They don1t ha$e to sho. us Cat%h9<<,1 the old .oman ans.ered" 1The la.
says they don1t ha$e to"1
1;hat la. says they don1t ha$e to51
1Cat%h9<<"1
1(h, 6od damnB1 )ossarian e4%laimed !itterly" 1# !et it .asn1t e$en really
there"1 He stopped .al'ing and glan%ed a!out the room dis%onsolately"
1;here1s the old man51
16one,1 mourned the old .oman"
16one51
1-ead,1 the old .oman told him, nodding in emphati% lament, pointing to her
head .ith the flat of her hand" 1Something !ro'e in here" (ne minute he
.as li$ing, one minute he .as dead"1
13ut he %an1t !e deadB1 )ossarian %ried, ready to argue insistently" 3ut of
%ourse he 'ne. it .as true, 'ne. it .as logi%al and trueA on%e again the old
man had mar%hed along .ith the ma/ority"
)ossarian turned a.ay and trudged through the apartment .ith a gloomy
s%o.l, peering .ith pessimisti% %uriosity into all the rooms" $erything made
of glass had !een smashed !y the men .ith the %lu!s" Torn drapes and
!edding lay dumped on the floor" Chairs, ta!les and dressers had !een
o$erturned" $erything !rea'a!le had !een !ro'en" The destru%tion .as
total" ,o .ild $andals %ould ha$e !een more thorough" $ery .indo. .as
smashed, and dar'ness poured li'e in'y %louds into ea%h room through the
shattered panes" )ossarian %ould imagine the hea$y, %rashing footfalls of
the tall M"P"s in the hard .hite hats" He %ould pi%ture the fiery and mali%ious
e4hilaration .ith .hi%h they had made their .re%'age, and their
san%timonious, ruthless sense of right and dedi%ation" +ll the poor young
girls .ere gone" $eryone .as gone !ut the .eeping old .oman in the
!ul'y !ro.n and gray s.eaters and !la%' head sha.l, and soon she too
.ould !e gone"
16one,1 she grie$ed, .hen he .al'ed !a%' in, !efore he %ould e$en spea'"
1;ho .ill ta'e %are of me no.51
)ossarian ignored the 2uestion" 1,ately1s girl friend = did anyone hear from
her51 he as'ed"
16one"1
1# 'no. she1s gone" 3ut did anyone hear from her5 -oes anyone 'no.
.here she is51
16one"1
1The little sister" ;hat happened to her51
16one"1 The old .oman1s tone had not %hanged"
1-o you 'no. .hat #1m tal'ing a!out51 )ossarian as'ed sharply, staring into
her eyes to see if she .ere not spea'ing to him from a %oma" He raised his
$oi%e" 1;hat happened to the 'id sister, to the little girl51
16one, gone,1 the old .oman replied .ith a %ra!!y shrug, irritated !y his
persisten%e, her lo. .ail gro.ing louder" 1Chased a.ay .ith the rest,
%hased a.ay into the street" They .ould not e$en let her ta'e her %oat"1
1;here did she go51
1# don1t 'no." # don1t 'no."1
1;ho .ill ta'e %are of her51
1;ho .ill ta'e %are of me51
1She doesn1t 'no. any!ody else, does she51
1;ho .ill ta'e %are of me51
)ossarian left money in the old .oman1s lap = it .as odd ho. many
.rongs lea$ing money seemed to right = and strode out of the apartment,
%ursing Cat%h9<< $ehemently as he des%ended the stairs, e$en though he
'ne. there .as no su%h thing" Cat%h9<< did not e4ist, he .as positi$e of
that, !ut it made no differen%e" ;hat did matter .as that e$eryone thought
it e4isted, and that .as mu%h .orse, for there .as no o!/e%t or te4t to
ridi%ule or refute, to a%%use, %riti%i0e, atta%', amend, hate, re$ile, spit at, rip
to shreds, trample upon or !urn up"
#t .as %old outside, and dar', and a lea'y, insipid mist lay s.ollen in the air
and tri%'led do.n the large, unpolished stone !lo%'s of the houses and the
pedestals of monuments" )ossarian hurried !a%' to Milo and re%anted" He
said he .as sorry and, 'no.ing he .as lying, promised to fly as many more
missions as Colonel Cath%art .anted if Milo .ould only use all his influen%e
in *ome to help him lo%ate ,ately1s .hore1s 'id sister"
1She1s /ust a t.el$e9year9old $irgin, Milo,1 he e4plained an4iously, 1and #
.ant to find her !efore it1s too late"1
Milo responded to his re2uest .ith a !enign smile" 1#1$e got /ust the t.el$e9
year9old $irgin you1re loo'ing for,1 he announ%ed /u!ilantly" 1This t.el$e9
year9old $irgin is really only thirty9four, !ut she .as !rought up on a lo.9
protein diet !y $ery stri%t parents and didn1t start sleeping .ith men until =1
1Milo, #1m tal'ing a!out a little girlB1 )ossarian interrupted him .ith desperate
impatien%e" 1-on1t you understand5 # don1t .ant to sleep .ith her" # .ant to
help her" )ou1$e got daughters" She1s /ust a little 'id, and she1s all alone in
this %ity .ith no one to ta'e %are of her" # .ant to prote%t her from harm"
-on1t you 'no. .hat #1m tal'ing a!out51
Milo did understand and .as deeply tou%hed" 1)ossarian, #1m proud of you,1
he e4%laimed .ith profound emotion" 1# really am" )ou don1t 'no. ho. glad #
am to see that e$erything isn1t al.ays /ust se4 .ith you" )ou1$e got
prin%iples" Certainly #1$e got daughters, and # 'no. e4a%tly .hat you1re
tal'ing a!out" ;e1ll find that girl if .e ha$e to turn this .hole %ity upside
do.n" Come along"1
)ossarian .ent along in Milo Minder!inder1s speeding M I M staff %ar to
poli%e head2uarters to meet a s.arthy, untidy poli%e %ommissioner .ith a
narro. !la%' musta%he and un!uttoned tuni% .ho .as fiddling .ith a stout
.oman .ith .arts and t.o %hins .hen they entered his offi%e and .ho
greeted Milo .ith .arm surprise and !o.ed and s%raped in o!s%ene
ser$ility as though Milo .ere some elegant mar2uis"
1+h, Mar%hese Milo,1 he de%lared .ith effusi$e pleasure, pushing the fat,
disgruntled .oman out the door .ithout e$en loo'ing to.ard her" 1;hy
didn1t you tell me you .ere %oming5 # .ould ha$e a !ig party for you" Come
in, %ome in, Mar%hese" )ou almost ne$er $isit us any more"1
Milo 'ne. that there .as not one moment to .aste" 1Hello, &uigi,1 he said,
nodding so !ris'ly that he almost seemed rude" 1&uigi, # need your help" My
friend here .ants to find a girl"1
1+ girl, Mar%hese51 said &uigi, s%rat%hing his fa%e pensi$ely" 1There are lots
of girls in *ome" 7or an +meri%an offi%er, a girl should not !e too diffi%ult"1
1,o, &uigi, you don1t understand" This is a t.el$e9year9old $irgin that he has
to find right a.ay"1
1+h, yes, no. # understand,1 &uigi said saga%iously" 1+ $irgin might ta'e a
little time" 3ut if he .aits at the !us terminal .here the young farm girls
loo'ing for .or' arri$e, # =1
1&uigi, you still don1t understand,1 Milo snapped .ith su%h !rus2ue
impatien%e that the poli%e %ommissioner1s fa%e flushed and he /umped to
attention and !egan !uttoning his uniform in %onfusion" 1This girl is a friend,
an old friend of the family, and .e .ant to help her" She1s only a %hild"
She1s all alone in this %ity some.here, and .e ha$e to find her !efore
some!ody harms her" ,o. do you understand5 &uigi, this is $ery important
to me" # ha$e a daughter the same age as that little girl, and nothing in the
.orld means more to me right no. than sa$ing that poor %hild !efore it1s too
late" ;ill you help51
1Si, Mar%hese, no. # understand,1 said &uigi" 1+nd # .ill do e$erything in my
po.er to find her" 3ut tonight # ha$e almost no men" Tonight all my men are
!usy trying to !rea' up the traffi% in illegal to!a%%o"1
1#llegal to!a%%o51 as'ed Milo"
1Milo,1 )ossarian !leated faintly .ith a sin'ing heart, sensing at on%e that all
.as lost"
1Si, Mar%hese,1 said &uigi" 1The profit in illegal to!a%%o is so high that the
smuggling is almost impossi!le to %ontrol"1
1#s there really that mu%h profit in illegal to!a%%o51 Milo in2uired .ith 'een
interest, his rust9%olored eye!ro.s ar%hing a$idly and his nostrils sniffing"
1Milo,1 )ossarian %alled to him" 1Pay attention to me, .ill you51
1Si, Mar%hese,1 &uigi ans.ered" 1The profit in illegal to!a%%o is $ery high"
The smuggling is a national s%andal, Mar%hese, truly a national disgra%e"1
1#s that a fa%t51 Milo o!ser$ed .ith a preo%%upied smile and started to.ard
the door as though in a spell"
1MiloB1 )ossarian yelled, and !ounded for.ard impulsi$ely to inter%ept him"
1Milo, you1$e got to help me"1
1#llegal to!a%%o,1 Milo e4plained to him .ith a loo' of epilepti% lust, struggling
doggedly to get !y" 1&et me go" #1$e got to smuggle illegal to!a%%o"1
1Stay here and help me find her,1 pleaded )ossarian" 1)ou %an smuggle
illegal to!a%%o tomorro."1
3ut Milo .as deaf and 'ept pushing for.ard, non$iolently !ut irresisti!ly,
s.eating, his eyes, as though he .ere in the grip of a !lind fi4ation, !urning
fe$erishly, and his t.it%hing mouth sla$ering" He moaned %almly as though
in remote, instin%ti$e distress and 'ept repeating, 1#llegal to!a%%o, illegal
to!a%%o"1 )ossarian stepped out of the .ay .ith resignation finally .hen he
sa. it .as hopeless to try to reason .ith him" Milo .as gone li'e a shot"
The %ommissioner of poli%e un!uttoned his tuni% again and loo'ed at
)ossarian .ith %ontempt"
1;hat do you .ant here51 he as'ed %oldly" 1-o you .ant me to arrest you51
)ossarian .al'ed out of the offi%e and do.n the stairs into the dar',
tom!li'e street, passing in the hall the stout .oman .ith .arts and t.o
%hins, .ho .as already on her .ay !a%' in" There .as no sign of Milo
outside" There .ere no lights in any of the .indo.s" The deserted side.al'
rose steeply and %ontinuously for se$eral !lo%'s" He %ould see the glare of
a !road a$enue at the top of the long %o!!lestone in%line" The poli%e station
.as almost at the !ottomA the yello. !ul!s at the entran%e si00led in the
dampness li'e .et tor%hes" + frigid, fine rain .as falling" He !egan .al'ing
slo.ly, pushing uphill" Soon he %ame to a 2uiet, %o0y, in$iting restaurant
.ith red $el$et drapes in the .indo.s and a !lue neon sign near the door
that said@ T(,)1S *ST+:*+,T 7#, 7((- +,- -*#,>" >P (:T"
The .ords on the !lue neon sign surprised him mildly for only an instant"
,othing .arped seemed !i0arre any more in his strange, distorted
surroundings" The tops of the sheer !uildings slanted in .eird, surrealisti%
perspe%ti$e, and the street seemed tilted" He raised the %ollar of his .arm
.oolen %oat and hugged it around him" The night .as ra." + !oy in a thin
shirt and thin tattered trousers .al'ed out of the dar'ness on !are feet" The
!oy had !la%' hair and needed a hair%ut and shoes and so%'s" His si%'ly
fa%e .as pale and sad" His feet made grisly, soft, su%'ing sounds in the rain
puddles on the .et pa$ement as he passed, and )ossarian .as mo$ed !y
su%h intense pity for his po$erty that he .anted to smash his pale, sad,
si%'ly fa%e .ith his fist and 'no%' him out of e4isten%e !e%ause he !rought
to mind all the pale, sad, si%'ly %hildren in #taly that same night .ho needed
hair%uts and needed shoes and so%'s" He made )ossarian thin' of %ripples
and of %old and hungry men and .omen, and of all the dum!, passi$e,
de$out mothers .ith %atatoni% eyes nursing infants outdoors that same
night .ith %hilled animal udders !ared insensi!ly to that same ra. rain"
Co.s" +lmost on %ue, a nursing mother padded past holding an infant in
!la%' rags, and )ossarian .anted to smash her too, !e%ause she reminded
him of the !arefoot !oy in the thin shirt and thin, tattered trousers and of all
the shi$ering, stupefying misery in a .orld that ne$er yet had pro$ided
enough heat and food and /usti%e for all !ut an ingenious and uns%rupulous
handful" ;hat a lousy earthB He .ondered ho. many people .ere destitute
that same night e$en in his o.n prosperous %ountry, ho. many homes
.ere shanties, ho. many hus!ands .ere drun' and .i$es so%'ed, and
ho. many %hildren .ere !ullied, a!used or a!andoned" Ho. many families
hungered for food they %ould not afford to !uy5 Ho. many hearts .ere
!ro'en5 Ho. many sui%ides .ould ta'e pla%e that same night, ho. many
people .ould go insane5 Ho. many %o%'roa%hes and landlords .ould
triumph5 Ho. many .inners .ere losers, su%%esses failures, ri%h men poor
men5 Ho. many .ise guys .ere stupid5 Ho. many happy endings .ere
unhappy endings5 Ho. many honest men .ere liars, !ra$e men %o.ards,
loyal men traitors, ho. many sainted men .ere %orrupt, ho. many people
in positions of trust had sold their souls to !la%'guards for petty %ash, ho.
many had ne$er had souls5 Ho. many straight9and9narro. paths .ere
%roo'ed paths5 Ho. many !est families .ere .orst families and ho. many
good people .ere !ad people5 ;hen you added them all up and then
su!tra%ted, you might !e left .ith only the %hildren, and perhaps .ith +l!ert
instein and an old $iolinist or s%ulptor some.here" )ossarian .al'ed in
lonely torture, feeling estranged, and %ould not .ipe from his mind the
e4%ru%iating image of the !arefoot !oy .ith si%'ly %hee's until he turned the
%orner into the a$enue finally and %ame upon an +llied soldier ha$ing
%on$ulsions on the ground, a young lieutenant .ith a small, pale, !oyish
fa%e" Si4 other soldiers from different %ountries .restled .ith different parts
of him, stri$ing to help him and hold him still" He yelped and groaned
unintelligi!ly through %len%hed teeth, his eyes rolled up into his head" 1-on1t
let him !ite his tongue off,1 a short sergeant near )ossarian ad$ised
shre.dly, and a se$enth man thre. himself into the fray to .restle .ith the
ill lieutenant1s fa%e" +ll at on%e the .restlers .on and turned to ea%h other
unde%idedly, for no. that they held the young lieutenant rigid they did not
'no. .hat to do .ith him" + 2ui$er of moroni% pani% spread from one
straining !rute fa%e to another" 1;hy don1t you lift him up and put him on the
hood of that %ar51 a %orporal standing in !a%' of )ossarian dra.led" That
seemed to ma'e sense, so the se$en men lifted the young lieutenant up
and stret%hed him out %arefully on the hood of a par'ed %ar, still pinning
ea%h struggling part of him do.n" (n%e they had him stret%hed out on the
hood of the par'ed %ar, they stared at ea%h other uneasily again, for they
had no idea .hat to do .ith him ne4t" 1;hy don1t you lift him up off the hood
of that %ar and lay him do.n on the ground51 dra.led the same %orporal
!ehind )ossarian" That seemed li'e a good idea, too, and they !egan to
mo$e him !a%' to the side.al', !ut !efore they %ould finish, a /eep ra%ed up
.ith a flashing red spotlight at the side and t.o military poli%emen in the
front seat"
1;hat1s going on51 the dri$er yelled"
1He1s ha$ing %on$ulsions,1 one of the men grappling .ith one of the young
lieutenant1s lim!s ans.ered" 1;e1re holding him still"1
1That1s good" He1s under arrest"1
1;hat should .e do .ith him51
1>eep him under arrestB1 the M"P" shouted, dou!ling o$er .ith rau%ous
laughter at his /est, and sped a.ay in his /eep"
)ossarian re%alled that he had no lea$e papers and mo$ed prudently past
the strange group to.ard the sound of muffled $oi%es emanating from a
distan%e inside the mur'y dar'ness ahead" The !road, rain9!lot%hed
!oule$ard .as illuminated e$ery half9!lo%' !y short, %urling lampposts .ith
eerie, shimmering glares surrounded !y smo'y !ro.n mist" 7rom a .indo.
o$erhead he heard an unhappy female $oi%e pleading, 1Please don1t"
Please don1t"1 + despondent young .oman in a !la%' rain%oat .ith mu%h
!la%' hair on her fa%e passed .ith her eyes lo.ered" +t the Ministry of
Pu!li% +ffairs on the ne4t !lo%', a drun'en lady .as !a%'ed up against one
of the fluted Corinthian %olumns !y a drun'en young soldier, .hile three
drun'en %omrades in arms sat .at%hing near!y on the steps .ith .ine
!ottles standing !et.een their legs" 1Pleeshe don1t,1 !egged the drun'en
lady" 1# .ant to go home no." Pleeshe don1t"1 (ne of the sitting men %ursed
pugna%iously and hurled a .ine !ottle at )ossarian .hen he turned to loo'
up" The !ottle shattered harmlessly far a.ay .ith a !rief and muted noise"
)ossarian %ontinued .al'ing a.ay at the same listless, unhurried pa%e,
hands !uried in his po%'ets" 1Come on, !a!y,1 he heard the drun'en soldier
urge determinedly" 1#t1s my turn no."1 1Pleeshe don1t,1 !egged the drun'en
lady" 1Pleeshe don1t"1 +t the $ery ne4t %orner, deep inside the dense,
impenetra!le shado.s of a narro., .inding side street, he heard the
mysterious, unmista'a!le sound of someone sho$eling sno." The
measured, la!ored, e$o%ati$e s%rape of iron sho$el against %on%rete made
his flesh %ra.l .ith terror as he stepped from the %ur! to %ross the ominous
alley and hurried on.ard until the haunting, in%ongruous noise had !een left
!ehind" ,o. he 'ne. .here he .as@ soon, if he %ontinued .ithout turning,
he .ould %ome to the dry fountain in the middle of the !oule$ard, then to
the offi%ers1 apartment se$en !lo%'s !eyond" He heard snarling, inhuman
$oi%es %utting through the ghostly !la%'ness in front suddenly" The !ul! on
the %orner lamp post had died, spilling gloom o$er half the street, thro.ing
e$erything $isi!le off !alan%e" (n the other side of the interse%tion, a man
.as !eating a dog .ith a sti%' li'e the man .ho .as !eating the horse .ith
a .hip in *as'olni'o$1s dream" )ossarian strained helplessly not to see or
hear" The dog .himpered and s2uealed in !rute, dum!founded hysteria at
the end of an old Manila rope and gro$eled and %ra.led on its !elly .ithout
resisting, !ut the man !eat it and !eat it any.ay .ith his hea$y, flat sti%'" +
small %ro.d .at%hed" + s2uat .oman stepped out and as'ed him please to
stop" 1Mind your o.n !usiness,1 the man !ar'ed gruffly, lifting his sti%' as
though he might !eat her too, and the .oman retreated sheepishly .ith an
a!/e%t and humiliated air" )ossarian 2ui%'ened his pa%e to get a.ay, almost
ran" The night .as filled .ith horrors, and he thought he 'ne. ho. Christ
must ha$e felt as he .al'ed through the .orld, li'e a psy%hiatrist through a
.ard full of nuts, li'e a $i%tim through a prison full of thie$es" ;hat a
.el%ome sight a leper must ha$e !eenB +t the ne4t %orner a man .as
!eating a small !oy !rutally in the midst of an immo!ile %ro.d of adult
spe%tators .ho made no effort to inter$ene" )ossarian re%oiled .ith
si%'ening re%ognition" He .as %ertain he had .itnessed that same horri!le
s%ene sometime !efore" D123 vu5 The sinister %oin%iden%e shoo' him and
filled him .ith dou!t and dread" #t .as the same s%ene he had .itnessed a
!lo%' !efore, although e$erything in it seemed 2uite different" ;hat in the
.orld .as happening5 ;ould a s2uat .oman step out and as' the man to
please stop5 ;ould he raise his hand to stri'e her and .ould she retreat5
,o!ody mo$ed" The %hild %ried steadily as though in drugged misery" The
man 'ept 'no%'ing him do.n .ith hard, resounding open9palm !lo.s to the
head, then /er'ing him up to his feet in order to 'no%' him do.n again" ,o
one in the sullen, %o.ering %ro.d seemed to %are enough a!out the
stunned and !eaten !oy to interfere" The %hild .as no more than nine" (ne
dra! .oman .as .eeping silently into a dirty dish to.el" The !oy .as
ema%iated and needed a hair%ut" 3right9red !lood .as streaming from !oth
ears" )ossarian %rossed 2ui%'ly to the other side of the immense a$enue to
es%ape the nauseating sight and found himself .al'ing on human teeth
lying on the dren%hed, glistening pa$ement near splot%hes of !lood 'ept
sti%'y !y the pelting raindrops po'ing ea%h one li'e sharp fingernails"
Molars and !ro'en in%isors lay s%attered e$ery.here" He %ir%led on tiptoe
the grotes2ue de!ris and %ame near a door.ay %ontaining a %rying soldier
holding a saturated hand'er%hief to his mouth, supported as he sagged !y
t.o other soldiers .aiting in gra$e impatien%e for the military am!ulan%e
that finally %ame %langing up .ith am!er fog lights on and passed them !y
for an alter%ation on the ne4t !lo%' !et.een a %i$ilian #talian .ith !oo's and
a sle. of %i$ilian poli%emen .ith armlo%'s and %lu!s" The s%reaming,
struggling %i$ilian .as a dar' man .ith a fa%e .hite as flour from fear" His
eyes .ere pulsating in he%ti% desperation, flapping li'e !at1s .ings, as the
many tall poli%emen sei0ed him !y the arms and legs and lifted him up" His
!oo's .ere spilled on the ground" 1HelpB1 he shrie'ed shrilly in a $oi%e
strangling in its o.n emotion, as the poli%emen %arried him to the open
doors in the rear of the am!ulan%e and thre. him inside" 1Poli%eB HelpB
Poli%eB1 The doors .ere shut and !olted, and the am!ulan%e ra%ed a.ay"
There .as a humorless irony in the ludi%rous pani% of the man s%reaming
for help to the poli%e .hile poli%emen .ere all around him" )ossarian smiled
.ryly at the futile and ridi%ulous %ry for aid, then sa. .ith a start that the
.ords .ere am!iguous, reali0ed .ith alarm that they .ere not, perhaps,
intended as a %all for poli%e !ut as a heroi% .arning from the gra$e !y a
doomed friend to e$eryone .ho .as not a poli%eman .ith a %lu! and a gun
and a mo! of other poli%emen .ith %lu!s and guns to !a%' him up" 1HelpB
Poli%eB1 the man had %ried, and he %ould ha$e !een shouting of danger"
)ossarian responded to the thought !y slipping a.ay stealthily from the
poli%e and almost tripped o$er the feet of a !urly .oman of forty hastening
a%ross the interse%tion guiltily, darting furti$e, $indi%ti$e glan%es !ehind her
to.ard a .oman of eighty .ith thi%', !andaged an'les doddering after her
in a losing pursuit" The old .oman .as gasping for !reath as she min%ed
along and muttering to herself in distra%ted agitation" There .as no
mista'ing the nature of the s%eneA it .as a %hase" The triumphant first
.oman .as half.ay a%ross the .ide a$enue !efore the se%ond .oman
rea%hed the %ur!" The nasty, small, gloating smile .ith .hi%h she glan%ed
!a%' at the la!oring old .oman .as !oth .i%'ed and apprehensi$e"
)ossarian 'ne. he %ould help the trou!led old .oman if she .ould only %ry
out, 'ne. he %ould spring for.ard and %apture the sturdy first .oman and
hold her for the mo! of poli%emen near!y if the se%ond .oman .ould only
gi$e him li%ense .ith a shrie' of distress" 3ut the old .oman passed !y
.ithout e$en seeing him, mum!ling in terri!le, tragi% $e4ation, and soon the
first .oman had $anished into the deepening layers of dar'ness and the old
.oman .as left standing helplessly in the %enter of the thoroughfare,
da0ed, un%ertain .hi%h .ay to pro%eed, alone" )ossarian tore his eyes from
her and hurried a.ay in shame !e%ause he had done nothing to assist her"
He darted furti$e, guilty glan%es !a%' as he fled in defeat, afraid the old
.oman might no. start follo.ing him, and he .el%omed the %on%ealing
shelter of the dri00ling, drifting, lightless, nearly opa2ue gloom" Mo!s?
mo!s of poli%emen = e$erything !ut ngland .as in the hands of mo!s,
mo!s, mo!s" Mo!s .ith %lu!s .ere in %ontrol e$ery.here"
The surfa%e of the %ollar and shoulders of )ossarian1s %oat .as soa'ed" His
so%'s .ere .et and %old" The light on the ne4t lamppost .as out, too, the
glass glo!e !ro'en" 3uildings and featureless shapes flo.ed !y him
noiselessly as though !orne past immuta!ly on the surfa%e of some ran'
and timeless tide" + tall mon' passed, his fa%e !uried entirely inside a
%oarse gray %o.l, e$en the eyes hidden" 7ootsteps sloshed to.ard him
steadily through a puddle, and he feared it .ould !e another !arefoot %hild"
He !rushed !y a gaunt, %ada$erous, tristful man in a !la%' rain%oat .ith a
star9shaped s%ar in his %hee' and a glossy mutilated depression the si0e of
an egg in one temple" (n s2uishing stra. sandals, a young .oman
materiali0ed .ith her .hole fa%e disfigured !y a 6od9a.ful pin' and pie!ald
!urn that started on her ne%' and stret%hed in a ra., %orrugated mass up
!oth %hee's past her eyesB )ossarian %ould not !ear to loo', and
shuddered" ,o one .ould e$er lo$e her" His spirit .as si%'A he longed to lie
do.n .ith some girl he %ould lo$e .ho .ould soothe and e4%ite him and put
him to sleep" + mo! .ith a %lu! .as .aiting for him in Pianosa" The girls
.ere all gone" The %ountess and her daughter9in9la. .ere no longer good
enoughA he had gro.n too old for fun, he no longer had the time" &u%iana
.as gone, dead, pro!a!lyA if not yet, then soon enough" +arfy1s !u4om
trollop had $anished .ith her smutty %ameo ring, and ,urse -u%'ett .as
ashamed of him !e%ause he had refused to fly more %om!at missions and
.ould %ause a s%andal" The only girl he 'ne. near!y .as the plain maid in
the offi%ers1 apartment, .hom none of the men had e$er slept .ith" Her
name .as Mi%haela, !ut the men %alled her filthy things in dul%et,
ingratiating $oi%es, and she giggled .ith %hildish /oy !e%ause she
understood no nglish and thought they .ere flattering her and ma'ing
harmless /o'es" $erything .ild she .at%hed them do filled her .ith
en%hanted delight" She .as a happy, simple9minded, hard9.or'ing girl .ho
%ould not read and .as !arely a!le to .rite her name" Her straight hair .as
the %olor of rotting stra." She had sallo. s'in and myopi% eyes, and none
of the men had e$er slept .ith her !e%ause none of the men had e$er
.anted to, none !ut +arfy, .ho had raped her on%e that same e$ening and
had then held her prisoner in a %lothes %loset for almost t.o hours .ith his
hand o$er her mouth until the %i$ilian %urfe. sirens sounded and it .as
unla.ful for her to !e outside"
Then he thre. her out the .indo." Her dead !ody .as still lying on the
pa$ement .hen )ossarian arri$ed and pushed his .ay politely through the
%ir%le of solemn neigh!ors .ith dim lanterns, .ho glared .ith $enom as
they shran' a.ay from him and pointed up !itterly to.ard the se%ond9floor
.indo.s in their pri$ate, grim, a%%using %on$ersations" )ossarian1s heart
pounded .ith fright and horror at the pitiful, ominous, gory spe%ta%le of the
!ro'en %orpse" He du%'ed into the hall.ay and !olted up the stairs into the
apartment, .here he found +arfy pa%ing a!out uneasily .ith a pompous,
slightly un%omforta!le smile" +arfy seemed a !it unsettled as he fidgeted
.ith his pipe and assured )ossarian that e$erything .as going to !e all
right" There .as nothing to .orry a!out"
1# only raped her on%e,1 he e4plained"
)ossarian .as aghast" 13ut you 'illed her, +arfyB )ou 'illed herB1
1(h, # had to do that after # raped her,1 +arfy replied in his most
%ondes%ending manner" 1# %ouldn1t $ery .ell let her go around saying !ad
things a!out us, %ould #51
13ut .hy did you ha$e to tou%h her at all, you dum! !astard51 )ossarian
shouted" 1;hy %ouldn1t you get yourself a girl off the street if you .anted
one5 The %ity is full of prostitutes"1
1(h, no, not me,1 +arfy !ragged" 1# ne$er paid for it in my life"1
1+arfy, are you insane51 )ossarian .as almost spee%hless" 1)ou killed a girl"
They1re going to put you in /ailB1
1(h, no,1 +arfy ans.ered .ith a for%ed smile" 1,ot me" They aren1t going to
put good old +arfy in /ail" ,ot for 'illing her"1
13ut you thre. her out the .indo." She1s lying dead in the street"1
1She has no right to !e there,1 +arfy ans.ered" 1#t1s after %urfe."1
1StupidB -on1t you reali0e .hat you1$e done51 )ossarian .anted to gra!
+arfy !y his .ell9fed, %aterpillar9soft shoulders and sha'e some sense into
him" 1)ou1$e murdered a human !eing" They are going to put you in /ail"
They might e$en hang youB1
1(h, # hardly thin' they1ll do that,1 +arfy replied .ith a /o$ial %hu%'le,
although his symptoms of ner$ousness in%reased" He spilled to!a%%o
%rum!s un%ons%iously as his short fingers fum!led .ith the !o.l of his pipe"
1,o, sirree" ,ot to good old +arfy"1 He %hortled again" 1She .as only a
ser$ant girl" # hardly thin' they1re going to ma'e too mu%h of a fuss o$er one
poor #talian ser$ant girl .hen so many thousands of li$es are !eing lost
e$ery day" -o you51
1&istenB1 )ossarian %ried, almost in /oy" He pri%'ed up his ears and .at%hed
the !lood drain from +arfy1s fa%e as sirens mourned far a.ay, poli%e sirens,
and then as%ended almost instantaneously to a ho.ling, strident, onrushing
%a%ophony of o$er.helming sound that seemed to %rash into the room
around them from e$ery side" 1+arfy, they1re %oming for you,1 he said in a
flood of %ompassion, shouting to !e heard a!o$e the noise" 1They1re %oming
to arrest you" +arfy, don1t you understand5 )ou %an1t ta'e the life of another
human !eing and get a.ay .ith it, e$en if she is /ust a poor ser$ant girl"
-on1t you see5 Can1t you understand51
1(h, no,1 +arfy insisted .ith a lame laugh and a .ea' smile" 1They1re not
%oming to arrest me" ,ot good old +arfy"1
+ll at on%e he loo'ed si%'" He san' do.n on a %hair in a trem!ling stupor,
his stumpy, la4 hands 2ua'ing in his lap" Cars s'idded to a stop outside"
Spotlights hit the .indo.s immediately" Car doors slammed and poli%e
.histles s%ree%hed" Foi%es rose harshly" +arfy .as green" He 'ept sha'ing
his head me%hani%ally .ith a 2ueer, num! smile and repeating in a .ea',
hollo. monotone that they .ere not %oming for him, not for good old +arfy,
no sirree, stri$ing to %on$in%e himself that this .as so e$en as hea$y
footsteps ra%ed up the stairs and pounded a%ross the landing, e$en as fists
!eat on the door four times .ith a deafening, ine4ora!le for%e" Then the
door to the apartment fle. open, and t.o large, tough, !ra.ny M"P"s .ith
i%y eyes and firm, sine.y, unsmiling /a.s entered 2ui%'ly, strode a%ross the
room, and arrested )ossarian"
They arrested )ossarian for !eing in *ome .ithout a pass"
They apologi0ed to +arfy for intruding and led )ossarian a.ay !et.een
them, gripping him under ea%h arm .ith fingers as hard as steel mana%les"
They said nothing at all to him on the .ay do.n" T.o more tall M"P"s .ith
%lu!s and hard .hite helmets .ere .aiting outside at a %losed %ar" They
mar%hed )ossarian into the !a%' seat, and the %ar roared a.ay and
.ea$ed through the rain and muddy fog to a poli%e station" The M"P"s
lo%'ed him up for the night in a %ell .ith four stone .alls" +t da.n they ga$e
him a pail for a latrine and dro$e him to the airport, .here t.o more giant
M"P"s .ith %lu!s and .hite helmets .ere .aiting at a transport plane .hose
engines .ere already .arming up .hen they arri$ed, the %ylindri%al green
%o.lings oo0ing 2ui$ering !eads of %ondensation" ,one of the M"P"s said
anything to ea%h other either" They did not e$en nod" )ossarian had ne$er
seen su%h granite fa%es" The plane fle. to Pianosa" T.o more silent M"P"s
.ere .aiting at the landing strip" There .ere no. eight, and they filed .ith
pre%ise, .ordless dis%ipline into t.o %ars and sped on humming tires past
the four s2uadron areas to the 6roup Head2uarters !uilding, .here still t.o
more M"P"s .ere .aiting at the par'ing area" +ll ten tall, strong, purposeful,
silent men to.ered around him as they turned to.ard the entran%e" Their
footsteps %run%hed in loud unison on the %indered ground" He had an
impression of a%%elerating haste" He .as terrified" $ery one of the ten
M"P"s seemed po.erful enough to !ash him to death .ith a single !lo."
They had only to press their massi$e, toughened, !oulderous shoulders
against him to %rush all life from his !ody" There .as nothing he %ould do to
sa$e himself" He %ould not e$en see .hi%h t.o .ere gripping him under the
arms as they mar%hed him rapidly !et.een the t.o tight single9file %olumns
they had formed" Their pa%e 2ui%'ened, and he felt as though he .ere
flying along .ith his feet off the ground as they trotted in resolute %aden%e
up the .ide mar!le stair%ase to the upper landing, .here still t.o more
ins%ruta!le military poli%emen .ith hard fa%es .ere .aiting to lead them all
at an e$en faster pa%e do.n the long, %antile$ered !al%ony o$erhanging the
immense lo!!y" Their mar%hing footsteps on the dull tile floor thundered li'e
an a.esome, 2ui%'ening drum roll through the $a%ant %enter of the !uilding
as they mo$ed .ith e$en greater speed and pre%ision to.ard Colonel
Cath%art1s offi%e, and $iolent .inds of pani% !egan !lo.ing in )ossarian1s
ears .hen they turned him to.ard his doom inside the offi%e, .here Colonel
>orn, his rump spreading %omforta!ly on a %orner of Colonel Cath%art1s
des', sat .aiting to greet him .ith a genial smile and said,
1;e1re sending you home"1
67 C3TCH-22
There .as, of %ourse, a %at%h"
1Cat%h9<<51 in2uired )ossarian"
1(f %ourse,1 Colonel >orn ans.ered pleasantly, after he had %hased the
mighty guard of massi$e M"P"s out .ith an insou%iant fli%' of his hand and a
slightly %ontemptuous nod = most rela4ed, as al.ays, .hen he %ould !e
most %yni%al" His rimless s2uare eyeglasses glinted .ith sly amusement as
he ga0ed at )ossarian" 1+fter all, .e %an1t simply send you home for
refusing to fly more missions and 'eep the rest of the men here, %an .e5
That .ould hardly !e fair to them"1
1)ou1re goddam rightB1 Colonel Cath%art !lurted out, lum!ering !a%' and
forth gra%elessly li'e a .inded !ull, puffing and pouting angrily" 1#1d li'e to tie
him up hand and foot and thro. him a!oard a plane on e$ery mission"
That1s .hat #1d li'e to do"1
Colonel >orn motioned Colonel Cath%art to !e silent and smiled at
)ossarian" 1)ou 'no., you really ha$e !een ma'ing things terri!ly diffi%ult
for Colonel Cath%art,1 he o!ser$ed .ith flip good humor, as though the fa%t
did not displease him at all" 1The men are unhappy and morale is !eginning
to deteriorate" +nd it1s all your fault"1
1#t1s your fault,1 )ossarian argued, 1for raising the num!er of missions"1
1,o, it1s your fault for refusing to fly them,1 Colonel >orn retorted" 1The men
.ere perfe%tly %ontent to fly as many missions as .e as'ed as long as they
thought they had no alternati$e" ,o. you1$e gi$en them hope, and they1re
unhappy" So the !lame is all yours"1
1-oesn1t he 'no. there1s a .ar going on51 Colonel Cath%art, still stamping
!a%' and forth, demanded morosely .ithout loo'ing at )ossarian"
1#1m 2uite sure he does,1 Colonel >orn ans.ered" 1That1s pro!a!ly .hy he
refuses to fly them"1
1-oesn1t it ma'e any differen%e to him51
1;ill the 'no.ledge that there1s a .ar going on .ea'en your de%ision to
refuse to parti%ipate in it51 Colonel >orn in2uired .ith sar%asti% seriousness,
mo%'ing Colonel Cath%art"
1,o, sir,1 )ossarian replied, almost returning Colonel >orn1s smile"
1# .as afraid of that,1 Colonel >orn remar'ed .ith an ela!orate sigh, lo%'ing
his fingers together %omforta!ly on top of his smooth, !ald, !road, shiny
!ro.n head" 1)ou 'no., in all fairness, .e really ha$en1t treated you too
!adly, ha$e .e5 ;e1$e fed you and paid you on time" ;e ga$e you a
medal and e$en made you a %aptain"1
1# ne$er should ha$e made him a %aptain,1 Colonel Cath%art e4%laimed
!itterly" 1# should ha$e gi$en him a %ourt9martial after he loused up that
7errara mission and .ent around t.i%e"1
1# told you not to promote him,1 said Colonel >orn, 1!ut you .ouldn1t listen to
me"1
1,o you didn1t" )ou told me to promote him, didn1t you51
1# told you not to promote him" 3ut you /ust .ouldn1t listen"1
1# should ha$e listened"1
1)ou ne$er listen to me,1 Colonel >orn persisted .ith relish" 1That1s the
reason .e1re in this spot"1
1+ll right, gee .hi0" Stop ru!!ing it in, .ill you51
Colonel Cath%art !urro.ed his fists do.n deep inside his po%'ets and
turned a.ay in a slou%h" 1#nstead of pi%'ing on me, .hy don1t you figure out
.hat .e1re going to do a!out him51
1;e1re going to send him home, #1m afraid"1 Colonel >orn .as %hu%'ling
triumphantly .hen he turned a.ay from Colonel Cath%art to fa%e )ossarian"
1)ossarian, the .ar is o$er for you" ;e1re going to send you home" )ou
really don1t deser$e it, you 'no., .hi%h is one of the reasons # don1t mind
doing it" Sin%e there1s nothing else .e %an ris' doing to you at this time,
.e1$e de%ided to return you to the States" ;e1$e .or'ed out this little deal
to =1
1;hat 'ind of deal51 )ossarian demanded .ith defiant mistrust"
Colonel >orn tossed his head !a%' and laughed" 1(h, a thoroughly
despi%a!le deal, ma'e no mista'e a!out that" #t1s a!solutely re$olting" 3ut
you1ll a%%ept it 2ui%'ly enough"1
1-on1t !e too sure"1
1# ha$en1t the slightest dou!t you .ill, e$en though it stin's to high hea$en"
(h, !y the .ay" )ou ha$en1t told any of the men you1$e refused to fly more
missions, ha$e you51
1,o, sir,1 )ossarian ans.ered promptly"
Colonel >orn nodded appro$ingly" 1That1s good" # li'e the .ay you lie" )ou1ll
go far in this .orld if you e$er a%2uire some de%ent am!ition"1
1-oesn1t he 'no. there1s a .ar going on51 Colonel Cath%art yelled out
suddenly, and !le. .ith $igorous dis!elief into the open end of his %igarette
holder"
1#1m 2uite sure he does,1 Colonel >orn replied a%idly, 1sin%e you !rought that
identi%al point to his attention /ust a moment ago"1 Colonel >orn fro.ned
.earily for )ossarian1s !enefit, his eyes t.in'ling s.arthily .ith sly and
daring s%orn" 6ripping the edge of Colonel Cath%art1s des' .ith !oth hands,
he lifted his fla%%id haun%hes far !a%' on the %orner to sit .ith !oth short
legs dangling freely" His shoes 'i%'ed lightly against the yello. oa' .ood,
his sludge9!ro.n so%'s, garterless, %ollapsed in sagging %ir%les !elo.
an'les that .ere surprisingly small and .hite" 1)ou 'no., )ossarian,1 he
mused affa!ly in a manner of %asual refle%tion that seemed !oth derisi$e
and sin%ere, 1# really do admire you a !it" )ou1re an intelligent person of
great moral %hara%ter .ho has ta'en a $ery %ourageous stand" #1m an
intelligent person .ith no moral %hara%ter at all, so #1m in an ideal position to
appre%iate it"1
1These are $ery %riti%al times,1 Colonel Cath%art asserted petulantly from a
far %orner of the offi%e, paying no attention to Colonel >orn"
1Fery %riti%al times indeed,1 Colonel >orn agreed .ith a pla%id nod" 1;e1$e
/ust had a %hange of %ommand a!o$e, and .e %an1t afford a situation that
might put us in a !ad light .ith either 6eneral S%heiss'opf or 6eneral
Pe%'em" #sn1t that .hat you mean, Colonel51
1Hasn1t he got any patriotism51
1;on1t you fight for your %ountry51 Colonel >orn demanded, emulating
Colonel Cath%art1s harsh, self9righteous tone" 1;on1t you gi$e up your life for
Colonel Cath%art and me51
)ossarian tensed .ith alert astonishment .hen he heard Colonel >orn1s
%on%luding .ords" 1;hat1s that51 he e4%laimed" 1;hat ha$e you and Colonel
Cath%art got to do .ith my %ountry5 )ou1re not the same"1
1Ho. %an you separate us51 Colonel >orn in2uired .ith ironi%al tran2uillity"
1That1s right,1 Colonel Cath%art %ried emphati%ally" 1)ou1re either for us or
against us" There1s no t.o .ays a!out it"1
1#1m afraid he1s got you,1 added Colonel >orn" 1)ou1re either for us or against
your %ountry" #t1s as simple as that"1
1(h, no, Colonel" # don1t !uy that"1
Colonel >orn .as unrufed" 1,either do #, fran'ly, !ut e$eryone else .ill" So
there you are"1
1)ou1re a disgra%e to your uniformB1 Colonel Cath%art de%lared .ith
!lustering .rath, .hirling to %onfront )ossarian for the first time" 1#1d li'e to
'no. ho. you e$er got to !e a %aptain, any.ay"1
1)ou promoted him,1 Colonel >orn reminded s.eetly, stifling a sni%'er"
1-on1t you remem!er51
1;ell, # ne$er should ha$e done it"1
1# told you not to do it,1 Colonel >orn said" 13ut you /ust .ouldn1t listen to me"1
16ee .hi0, .ill you stop ru!!ing it in51 Colonel Cath%art %ried" He furro.ed
his !ro. and glo.ered at Colonel >orn through eyes narro. .ith suspi%ion,
his fists %len%hed on his hips" 1Say, .hose side are you on, any.ay51
1)our side, Colonel" ;hat other side %ould # !e on51
1Then stop pi%'ing on me, .ill you5 6et off my !a%', .ill you51
1#1m on your side, Colonel" #1m /ust loaded .ith patriotism"1
1;ell, /ust ma'e sure you don1t forget that"1 Colonel Cath%art turned a.ay
grudgingly after another moment, in%ompletely reassured, and !egan
striding the floor, his hands 'neading his long %igarette holder" He /er'ed a
thum! to.ard )ossarian" 1&et1s settle .ith him" # 'no. .hat #1d li'e to do
.ith him" #1d li'e to ta'e him outside and shoot him" That1s .hat #1d li'e to do
.ith him" That1s .hat 6eneral -reedle .ould do .ith him"1
13ut 6eneral -reedle isn1t .ith us any more,1 said Colonel >orn, 1so .e %an1t
ta'e him outside and shoot him"1 ,o. that his moment of tension .ith
Colonel Cath%art had passed, Colonel >orn rela4ed again and resumed
'i%'ing softly against Colonel Cath%art1s des'" He returned to )ossarian"
1So .e1re going to send you home instead" #t too' a !it of thin'ing, !ut .e
finally .or'ed out this horri!le little plan for sending you home .ithout
%ausing too mu%h dissatisfa%tion among the friends you1ll lea$e !ehind"
-oesn1t that ma'e you happy51
1;hat 'ind of plan5 #1m not sure #1m going to li'e it"1
1# 'no. you1re not going to li'e it"1 Colonel >orn laughed, lo%'ing his hands
%ontentedly on top of his head again" 1)ou1re going to loathe it" #t really is
odious and %ertainly .ill offend your %ons%ien%e" 3ut you1ll agree to it
2ui%'ly enough" )ou1ll agree to it !e%ause it .ill send you home safe and
sound in t.o .ee's, and !e%ause you ha$e no %hoi%e" #t1s that or a %ourt9
martial" Ta'e it or lea$e it"1
)ossarian snorted" 1Stop !luffing, Colonel" )ou %an1t %ourt9martial me for
desertion in the fa%e of the enemy" #t .ould ma'e you loo' !ad and you
pro!a!ly %ouldn1t get a %on$i%tion"1
13ut .e %an %ourt9martial you no. for desertion from duty, sin%e you .ent to
*ome .ithout a pass" +nd .e %ould ma'e it sti%'" #f you thin' a!out it a
minute, you1ll see that you1d lea$e us no alternati$e" ;e %an1t simply let you
'eep .al'ing around in open insu!ordination .ithout punishing you" +ll the
other men .ould stop flying missions, too" ,o, you ha$e my .ord for it" ;e
.ill %ourt9martial you if you turn our deal do.n, e$en though it .ould raise a
lot of 2uestions and !e a terri!le !la%' eye for Colonel Cath%art"1
Colonel Cath%art .in%ed at the .ords 1!la%' eye1 and, .ithout any apparent
premeditation, hurled his slender ony49and9i$ory %igarette holder do.n
$i%iously on the .ooden surfa%e on his des'" 1Jesus ChristB1 he shouted
une4pe%tedly" 1# hate this goddam %igarette holderB1 The %igarette holder
!oun%ed off the des' to the .all, ri%o%heted a%ross the .indo. sill to the
floor and %ame to a stop almost .here he .as standing" Colonel Cath%art
stared do.n at it .ith an iras%i!le s%o.l" 1# .onder if it1s really doing me any
good"1
1#t1s a feather in your %ap .ith 6eneral Pe%'em, !ut a !la%' eye for you .ith
6eneral S%heiss'opf,1 Colonel >orn informed him .ith a mis%hie$ous loo'
of inno%en%e"
1;ell, .hi%h one am # supposed to please51
13oth"1
1Ho. %an # please them !oth5 They hate ea%h other" Ho. am # e$er going
to get a feather in my %ap from 6eneral S%heiss'opf .ithout getting a !la%'
eye from 6eneral Pe%'em51
1Mar%h"1
1)eah, mar%h" That1s the only .ay to please him" Mar%h" Mar%h"1 Colonel
Cath%art grima%ed sullenly" 1Some generalsB They1re a disgra%e to their
uniforms" #f people li'e those t.o %an ma'e general, # don1t see ho. # %an
miss"1
1)ou1re going to go far"1 Colonel >orn assured him .ith a flat la%' of
%on$i%tion, and turned !a%' %hu%'ling to )ossarian, his disdainful merriment
in%reasing at the sight of )ossarian1s unyielding e4pression of antagonism
and distrust" 1+nd there you ha$e the %ru4 of the situation" Colonel Cath%art
.ants to !e a general and # .ant to !e a %olonel, and that1s .hy .e ha$e to
send you home"1
1;hy does he .ant to !e a general51
1;hy5 7or the same reason that # .ant to !e a %olonel" ;hat else ha$e .e
got to do5 $eryone tea%hes us to aspire to higher things" + general is
higher than a %olonel, and a %olonel is higher than a lieutenant %olonel" So
.e1re !oth aspiring" +nd you 'no., )ossarian, it1s a lu%'y thing for you that
.e are" )our timing on this is a!solutely perfe%t, !ut # suppose you too' that
fa%tor into a%%ount in your %al%ulations"1
1# ha$en1t !een doing any %al%ulating,1 )ossarian retorted"
1)es, # really do en/oy the .ay you lie,1 Colonel >orn ans.ered" 1;on1t it
ma'e you proud to ha$e your %ommanding offi%er promoted to general = to
'no. you ser$ed in an outfit that a$eraged more %om!at missions per
person than any other5 -on1t you .ant to earn more unit %itations and more
oa' leaf %lusters for your +ir Medal5 ;here1s your esprit de corps" -on1t
you .ant to %ontri!ute further to this great re%ord !y flying more %om!at
missions5 #t1s your last %han%e to ans.er yes"1
1,o"1
1#n that %ase, you ha$e us o$er a !arrel =1 said Colonel >orn .ithout
ran%or"
1He ought to !e ashamed of himselfB1
1= and .e ha$e to send you home" Just do a fe. little things for us, and =1
1;hat sort of things51 )ossarian interrupted .ith !elligerent misgi$ing"
1(h, tiny, insignifi%ant things" *eally, this is a $ery generous deal .e1re
ma'ing .ith you" ;e .ill issue orders returning you to the States = really,
.e .ill = and all you ha$e to do in return is?1
1;hat5 ;hat must # do51
Colonel >orn laughed %urtly" 1&i'e us"1
)ossarian !lin'ed" 1&i'e you51
1&i'e us"1
1&i'e you51
1That1s right,1 said Colonel >orn, nodding, gratified immeasura!ly !y
)ossarian1s guileless surprise and !e.ilderment" 1&i'e us" Join us" 3e our
pal" Say ni%e things a!out us here and !a%' in the States" 3e%ome one of
the !oys" ,o., that isn1t as'ing too mu%h, is it51
1)ou /ust .ant me to li'e you5 #s that all51
1That1s all"1
1That1s all51
1Just find it in your heart to li'e us"1
)ossarian .anted to laugh %onfidently .hen he sa. .ith ama0ement that
Colonel >orn .as telling the truth" 1That isn1t going to !e too easy,1 he
sneered"
1(h, it .ill !e a lot easier than you thin',1 Colonel >orn taunted in return,
undismayed !y )ossarian1s !ar!" 1)ou1ll !e surprised at ho. easy you1ll find
it to li'e us on%e you !egin"1 Colonel >orn hit%hed up the .aist of his loose,
$oluminous trousers" The deep !la%' groo$es isolating his s2uare %hin from
his /o.ls .ere !ent again in a 'ind of /eering and reprehensi!le mirth" 1)ou
see, )ossarian, .e1re going to put you on easy street" ;e1re going to
promote you to ma/or and e$en gi$e you another medal" Captain 7lume is
already .or'ing on glo.ing press releases des%ri!ing your $alor o$er
7errara, your deep and a!iding loyalty to your outfit and your %onsummate
dedi%ation to duty" Those phrases are all a%tual 2uotations, !y the .ay"
;e1re going to glorify you and send you home a hero, re%alled !y the
Pentagon for morale and pu!li%9relations purposes" )ou1ll li$e li'e a
millionaire" $eryone .ill lioni0e you" )ou1ll ha$e parades in your honor and
ma'e spee%hes to raise money for .ar !onds" + .hole ne. .orld of lu4ury
a.aits you on%e you !e%ome our pal" #sn1t it lo$ely51
)ossarian found himself listening intently to the fas%inating elu%idation of
details" 1#1m not sure # .ant to ma'e spee%hes"1
1Then .e1ll forget the spee%hes" The important thing is .hat you say to
people here"1 Colonel >orn leaned for.ard earnestly, no longer smiling" 1;e
don1t .ant any of the men in the group to 'no. that .e1re sending you
home as a result of your refusal to fly more missions" +nd .e don1t .ant
6eneral Pe%'em or 6eneral S%heiss'opf to get .ind of any fri%tion !et.een
us, either" That1s .hy .e1re going to !e%ome su%h good pals"1
1;hat .ill # say to the men .ho as'ed me .hy # refused to fly more
missions51
1Tell them you had !een informed in %onfiden%e that you .ere !eing
returned to the States and that you .ere un.illing to ris' your life for
another mission or t.o" Just a minor disagreement !et.een pals, that1s all"1
1;ill they !elie$e it51
1(f %ourse they1ll !elie$e it, on%e they see .hat great friends .e1$e !e%ome
and .hen they see the press releases and read the flattering things you
ha$e to say a!out me and Colonel Cath%art" -on1t .orry a!out the men"
They1ll !e easy enough to dis%ipline and %ontrol .hen you1$e gone" #t1s only
.hile you1re still here that they may pro$e trou!lesome" )ou 'no., one
good apple %an spoil the rest,1 Colonel >orn %on%luded .ith %ons%ious
irony" 1)ou 'no. = this .ould really !e .onderful = you might e$en ser$e
as an inspiration to them to fly more missions"1
1Suppose # denoun%e you .hen # get !a%' to the States51
1+fter you1$e a%%epted our medal and promotion and all the fanfare5 ,o one
.ould !elie$e you, the +rmy .ouldn1t let you, and .hy in the .orld should
you .ant to5 )ou1re going to !e one of the !oys, remem!er5 )ou1ll en/oy a
ri%h, re.arding, lu4urious, pri$ileged e4isten%e" )ou1d ha$e to !e a fool to
thro. it all a.ay /ust for a moral prin%iple, and you1re not a fool" #s it a deal51
1# don1t 'no."1
1#t1s that or a %ourt9martial"1
1That1s a pretty s%ummy tri%' #1d !e playing on the men in the s2uadron, isn1t
it51
1(dious,1 Colonel >orn agreed amia!ly, and .aited, .at%hing )ossarian
patiently .ith a glimmer of pri$ate delight"
13ut .hat the hellB1 )ossarian e4%laimed" 1#f they don1t .ant to fly more
missions, let them stand up and do something a!out it the .ay # did" *ight51
1(f %ourse,1 said Colonel >orn"
1There1s no reason # ha$e to ris' my life for them, is there51
1(f %ourse not"1
)ossarian arri$ed at his de%ision .ith a s.ift grin" 1#t1s a dealB1 he announ%ed
/u!ilantly"
16reat,1 said Colonel >orn .ith some.hat less %ordiality than )ossarian had
e4pe%ted, and he slid himself off Colonel Cath%art1s des' to stand on the
floor" He tugged the folds of %loth of his pants and undershorts free from his
%rot%h and ga$e )ossarian a limp hand to sha'e" 1;el%ome a!oard"1
1Than's, Colonel" # =1
1Call me 3la%'ie, John" ;e1re pals no."1
1Sure, 3la%'ie" My friends %all me )o9)o" 3la%'ie, # =1
1His friends %all him )o9)o,1 Colonel >orn sang out to Colonel Cath%art"
1;hy don1t you %ongratulate )o9)o on .hat a sensi!le mo$e he1s ma'ing51
1That1s a real sensi!le mo$e you1re ma'ing, )o9)o,1 Colonel Cath%art said,
pumping )ossarian1s hand .ith %lumsy 0eal"
1Than' you, Colonel, # =1
1Call him Chu%',1 said Colonel >orn"
1Sure, %all me Chu%',1 said Colonel Cath%art .ith a laugh that .as hearty
and a.'.ard" 1;e1re all pals no."1
1Sure, Chu%'"1
14it smiling,1 said Colonel >orn, his hands on !oth their shoulders as the
three of them mo$ed to the door"
1Come on o$er for dinner .ith us some night, )o9)o,1 Colonel Cath%art
in$ited hospita!ly" 1Ho. a!out tonight5 #n the group dining room"1
1#1d lo$e to, sir"1
1Chu%',1 Colonel >orn %orre%ted repro$ingly"
1#1m sorry, 3la%'ie" Chu%'" # %an1t get used to it"1
1That1s all right, pal"1
1Sure, pal"1
1Than's, pal"1
1-on1t mention it, pal"1
1So long, pal"1
)ossarian .a$ed good!ye fondly to his ne. pals and sauntered out onto
the !al%ony %orridor, almost !ursting into song the instant he .as alone" He
.as home free@ he had pulled it offA his a%t of re!ellion had su%%eededA he
.as safe, and he had nothing to !e ashamed of to anyone" He started
to.ard the stair%ase .ith a /aunty and e4hilarated air" + pri$ate in green
fatigues saluted him" )ossarian returned the salute happily, staring at the
pri$ate .ith %uriosity" He loo'ed strangely familiar" ;hen )ossarian
returned the salute, the pri$ate in green fatigues turned suddenly into
,ately1s .hore and lunged at him murderously .ith a !one9handled 'it%hen
'nife that %aught him in the side !elo. his upraised arm" )ossarian san' to
the floor .ith a shrie', shutting his eyes in o$er.helming terror as he sa.
the girl lift the 'nife to stri'e at him again" He .as already un%ons%ious
.hen Colonel >orn and Colonel Cath%art dashed out of the offi%e and
sa$ed his life !y frightening her a.ay"
Sno'$en
1Cut,1 said a do%tor"
1)ou %ut,1 said another"
1,o %uts,1 said )ossarian .ith a thi%', un.ieldy tongue"
1,o. loo' .ho1s !utting in,1 %omplained one of the do%tors" 1+nother %ounty
heard from" +re .e going to operate or aren1t .e51
1He doesn1t need an operation,1 %omplained the other" 1#t1s a small .ound"
+ll .e ha$e to do is stop the !leeding, %lean it out and put a fe. stit%hes in"1
13ut #1$e ne$er had a %han%e to operate !efore" ;hi%h one is the s%alpel5 #s
this one the s%alpel51
1,o, the other one is the s%alpel" ;ell, go ahead and %ut already if you1re
going to" Ma'e the in%ision"1
1&i'e this51
1,ot there, you dopeB1
1,o in%isions,1 )ossarian said, per%ei$ing through the lifting fog of
insensi!ility that the t.o strangers .ere ready to !egin %utting him"
1+nother %ounty heard from,1 %omplained the first do%tor sar%asti%ally" 1#s he
going to 'eep tal'ing that .ay .hile # operate on him51
1)ou %an1t operate on him until # admit him,1 said a %ler'"
1)ou %an1t admit him until # %lear him,1 said a fat, gruff %olonel .ith a
musta%he and an enormous pin' fa%e that pressed do.n $ery %lose to
)ossarian and radiated s%or%hing heat li'e the !ottom of a huge frying pan"
1;here .ere you !orn51
The fat, gruff %olonel reminded )ossarian of the fat, gruff %olonel .ho had
interrogated the %haplain and found him guilty" )ossarian stared up at him
through a glassy film" The %loying s%ents of formaldehyde and al%ohol
s.eetened the air"
1(n a !attlefield,1 he ans.ered"
1,o, no" #n .hat state .ere you !orn51
1#n a state of inno%en%e"1
1,o, no, you don1t understand"1
1&et me handle him,1 urged a hat%het9fa%ed man .ith sun'en a%rimonious
eyes and a thin, male$olent mouth" 1+re you a smart ale%' or something51
he as'ed )ossarian"
1He1s delirious,1 one of the do%tors said" 1;hy don1t you let us ta'e him !a%'
inside and treat him51
1&ea$e him right here if he1s delirious" He might say something
in%riminating"1
13ut he1s still !leeding profusely" Can1t you see5 He might e$en die"1
1+ood for himB1
1#t .ould ser$e the fin'y !astard right,1 said the fat, gruff %olonel" 1+ll right,
John, let1s spea' out" ;e .ant to get to the truth"1
1$eryone %alls me )o9)o"1
1;e .ant you to %o9operate .ith us, )o9)o" ;e1re your friends and .e .ant
you to trust us" ;e1re here to help you" ;e1re not going to hurt you"1
1&et1s /a! our thum!s do.n inside his .ound and gouge it,1 suggested the
hat%het9fa%ed man"
)ossarian let his eyes fall %losed and hoped they .ould thin' he .as
un%ons%ious"
1He1s fainted,1 he heard a do%tor say" 1Can1t .e treat him no. !efore it1s too
late5 He really might die"1
1+ll right, ta'e him" # hope the !astard does die"1
1)ou %an1t treat him until # admit him,1 the %ler' said"
)ossarian played dead .ith his eyes shut .hile the %ler' admitted him !y
shuffling some papers, and then he .as rolled a.ay slo.ly into a stuffy,
dar' room .ith searing spotlights o$erhead in .hi%h the %loying smell of
formaldehyde and s.eet al%ohol .as e$en stronger" The pleasant,
permeating stin' .as into4i%ating" He smelled ether too and heard glass
tin'ling" He listened .ith se%ret, egotisti%al mirth to the hus'y !reathing of
the t.o do%tors" #t delighted him that they thought he .as un%ons%ious and
did not 'no. he .as listening" #t all seemed $ery silly to him until one of the
do%tors said,
1;ell, do you thin' .e should sa$e his life5 They might !e sore at us if .e
do"1
1&et1s operate,1 said the other do%tor" 1&et1s %ut him open and get to the
inside of things on%e and for all" He 'eeps %omplaining a!out his li$er" His
li$er loo's pretty small on this L ray"1
1That1s his pan%reas, you dope" This is his li$er"1
1,o it isn1t" That1s his heart" #1ll !et you a ni%'el this is his li$er" #1m going to
operate and find out" Should # .ash my hands first51
1,o operations,1 )ossarian said, opening his eyes and trying to sit up"
1+nother %ounty heard from,1 s%offed one of the do%tors indignantly" 1Can1t
.e ma'e him shut up51
1;e %ould gi$e him a total" The ether1s right here"1
1,o totals,1 said )ossarian"
1+nother %ounty heard from,1 said a do%tor"
1&et1s gi$e him a total and 'no%' him out" Then .e %an do .hat .e .ant
.ith him"1
They ga$e )ossarian total anesthesia and 'no%'ed him out" He .o'e up
thirsty in a pri$ate room, dro.ning in ether fumes" Colonel >orn .as there
at his !edside, .aiting %almly in a %hair in his !aggy, .ool, oli$e9dra! shirt
and trousers" + !land, phlegmati% smile hung on his !ro.n fa%e .ith its
hea$y9!earded %hee's, and he .as !uffing the fa%ets of his !ald head
gently .ith the palms of !oth hands" He !ent for.ard %hu%'ling .hen
)ossarian a.o'e, and assured him in the friendliest tones that the deal they
had made .as still on if )ossarian didn1t die" )ossarian $omited, and
Colonel >orn shot to his feet at the first %ough and fled in disgust, so it
seemed indeed that there .as a sil$er lining to e$ery %loud, )ossarian
refle%ted, as he drifted !a%' into a suffo%ating da0e" + hand .ith sharp
fingers shoo' him a.a'e roughly" He turned and opened his eyes and sa.
a strange man .ith a mean fa%e .ho %urled his lip at him in a spiteful s%o.l
and !ragged,
1;e1$e got your pal, !uddy" ;e1$e got your pal"1
)ossarian turned %old and faint and !ro'e into a s.eat"
1;ho1s my pal51 he as'ed .hen he sa. the %haplain sitting .here Colonel
>orn had !een sitting"
1May!e #1m your pal,1 the %haplain ans.ered"
3ut )ossarian %ouldn1t hear him and %losed his eyes" Someone ga$e him
.ater to sip and tiptoed a.ay" He slept and .o'e up feeling great until he
turned his head to smile at the %haplain and sa. +arfy there instead"
)ossarian moaned instin%ti$ely and s%re.ed his fa%e up .ith e4%ru%iating
irrita!ility .hen +arfy %hortled and as'ed ho. he .as feeling" +arfy loo'ed
pu00led .hen )ossarian in2uired .hy he .as not in /ail" )ossarian shut his
eyes to ma'e him go a.ay" ;hen he opened them, +arfy .as gone and the
%haplain .as there" )ossarian !ro'e into laughter .hen he spied the
%haplain1s %heerful grin and as'ed him .hat in the hell he .as so happy
a!out"
1#1m happy a!out you,1 the %haplain replied .ith e4%ited %andor and /oy" 1#
heard at 6roup that you .ere $ery seriously in/ured and that you .ould
ha$e to !e sent home if you li$ed" Colonel >orn said your %ondition .as
%riti%al" 3ut #1$e /ust learned from one of the do%tors that your .ound is
really a $ery slight one and that you1ll pro!a!ly !e a!le to lea$e in a day or
t.o" )ou1re in no danger" #t isn1t !ad at all"1
)ossarian listened to the %haplain1s ne.s .ith enormous relief" 1That1s
good"1
1)es,1 said the %haplain, a pin' flush of impish pleasure %reeping into his
%hee's" 1)es, that is good"1
)ossarian laughed, re%alling his first %on$ersation .ith the %haplain" 1)ou
'no., the first time # met you .as in the hospital" +nd no. #1m in the
hospital again" Just a!out the only time # see you lately is in the hospital"
;here1$e you !een 'eeping yourself51
The %haplain shrugged" 1#1$e !een praying a lot,1 he %onfessed" 1# try to stay
in my tent as mu%h as # %an, and # pray e$ery time Sergeant ;hit%om!
lea$es the area, so that he .on1t %at%h me"1
1-oes it do any good51
1#t ta'es my mind off my trou!les,1 the %haplain ans.ered .ith another
shrug" 1+nd it gi$es me something to do"1
1;ell that1s good, then, isn1t it51
1)es,1 agreed the %haplain enthusiasti%ally, as though the idea had not
o%%urred to him !efore" 1)es, # guess that is good"1 He !ent for.ard
impulsi$ely .ith a.'.ard soli%itude" 1)ossarian, is there anything # %an do
for you .hile you1re here, anything # %an get you51
)ossarian teased him /o$ially" 1&i'e toys, or %andy, or %he.ing gum51
The %haplain !lushed again, grinning self9%ons%iously, and then turned $ery
respe%tful" 1&i'e !oo's, perhaps, or anything at all" # .ish there .as
something # %ould do to ma'e you happy" )ou 'no., )ossarian, .e1re all
$ery proud of you"1
1Proud51
1)es, of %ourse" 7or ris'ing your life to stop that ,a0i assassin" #t .as a $ery
no!le thing to do"1
1;hat ,a0i assassin51
1The one that %ame here to murder Colonel Cath%art and Colonel >orn" +nd
you sa$ed them" He might ha$e sta!!ed you to death as you grappled .ith
him on the !al%ony" #t1s a lu%'y thing you1re ali$eB1
)ossarian sni%'ered sardoni%ally .hen he understood" 1That .as no ,a0i
assassin"1
1Certainly it .as" Colonel >orn said it .as"1
1That .as ,ately1s girl friend" +nd she .as after me, not Colonel Cath%art
and Colonel >orn" She1s !een trying to 'ill me e$er sin%e # !ro'e the ne.s
to her that ,ately .as dead"1
13ut ho. %ould that !e51 the %haplain protested in li$id and resentful
%onfusion" 1Colonel Cath%art and Colonel >orn !oth sa. him as he ran
a.ay" The offi%ial report says you stopped a ,a0i assassin from 'illing
them"1
1-on1t !elie$e the offi%ial report,1 )ossarian ad$ised dryly" 1#t1s part of the
deal"1
1;hat deal51
1The deal # made .ith Colonel Cath%art and Colonel >orn" They1ll let me go
home a !ig hero if # say ni%e things a!out them to e$ery!ody and ne$er
%riti%i0e them to anyone for ma'ing the rest of the men fly more missions"1
The %haplain .as appalled and rose half.ay out of his %hair" He !ristled
.ith !elli%ose dismay" 13ut that1s terri!leB That1s a shameful, s%andalous
deal, isn1t it51
1(dious,1 )ossarian ans.ered, staring up .oodenly at the %eiling .ith /ust
the !a%' of his head resting on the pillo." 1# thin' GodiousG is the .ord .e
de%ided on"1
1Then ho. %ould you agree to it51
1#t1s that or a %ourt9martial, Chaplain"1
1(h,1 the %haplain e4%laimed .ith a loo' of star' remorse, the !a%' of his
hand %o$ering his mouth" He lo.ered himself into his %hair uneasily" 1#
shouldn1t ha$e said anything"1
1They1d lo%' me in prison .ith a !un%h of %riminals"1
1(f %ourse" )ou must do .hate$er you thin' is right, then"1 The %haplain
nodded to himself as though de%iding the argument and lapsed into
em!arrassed silen%e"
1-on1t .orry,1 )ossarian said .ith a sorro.ful laugh after se$eral moments
had passed" 1#1m not going to do it"1
13ut you must do it,1 the %haplain insisted, !ending for.ard .ith %on%ern"
1*eally, you must" # had no right to influen%e you" # really had no right to say
anything"1
1)ou didn1t influen%e me"1 )ossarian hauled himself o$er onto his side and
shoo' his head in solemn mo%'ery" 1Christ, ChaplainB Can you imagine that
for a sin5 Sa$ing Colonel Cath%art1s lifeB That1s one %rime # don1t .ant on
my re%ord"1
The %haplain returned to the su!/e%t .ith %aution" 1;hat .ill you do instead5
)ou %an1t let them put you in prison"1
1#1ll fly more missions" (r may!e # really .ill desert and let them %at%h me"
They pro!a!ly .ould"1
1+nd they1d put you in prison" )ou don1t .ant to go to prison"1
1Then #1ll /ust 'eep flying missions until the .ar ends, # guess" Some of us
ha$e to sur$i$e"1
13ut you might get 'illed"1
1Then # guess # .on1t fly any more missions"1
1;hat .ill you do51
1# don1t 'no."1
1;ill you let them send you home51
1# don1t 'no." #s it hot out5 #t1s $ery .arm in here"1
1#t1s $ery %old out,1 the %haplain said"
1)ou 'no.,1 )ossarian remem!ered, 1a $ery funny thing happened =
may!e # dreamed it" # thin' a strange man %ame in here !efore and told me
he1s got my pal" # .onder if # imagined it"1
1# don1t thin' you did,1 the %haplain informed him" 1)ou started to tell me
a!out him .hen # dropped in earlier"1
1Then he really did say it" G;e1$e got your pal, !uddy,G he said" G;e1$e got
your pal"G He had the most malignant manner # e$er sa." # .onder .ho my
pal is"1
1# li'e to thin' that #1m your pal, )ossarian,1 the %haplain said .ith hum!le
sin%erity" 1+nd they %ertainly ha$e got me" They1$e got my num!er and
they1$e got me under sur$eillan%e, and they1$e got me right .here they
.ant me" That1s .hat they told me at my interrogation"1
1,o, # don1t thin' it1s you he meant,1 )ossarian de%ided" 1# thin' it must !e
someone li'e ,ately or -un!ar" )ou 'no., someone .ho .as 'illed in the
.ar, li'e Cle$inger, (rr, -o!!s, >id Sampson or M%;att"1 )ossarian
emitted a startled gasp and shoo' his head" 1# /ust reali0ed it,1 he e4%laimed"
1They1$e got all my pals, ha$en1t they5 The only ones left are me and
Hungry Joe"1 He tingled .ith dread as he sa. the %haplain1s fa%e go pale"
1Chaplain, .hat is it51
1Hungry Joe .as 'illed"1
16od, noB (n a mission51
1He died in his sleep .hile ha$ing a dream" They found a %at on his fa%e"1
1Poor !astard,1 )ossarian said, and !egan to %ry, hiding his tears in the
%roo' of his shoulder" The %haplain left .ithout saying good!ye" )ossarian
ate something and .ent to sleep" + hand shoo' him a.a'e in the middle of
the night" He opened his eyes and sa. a thin, mean man in a patient1s
!athro!e and pa/amas .ho loo'ed at him .ith a nasty smir' and /eered"
1;e1$e got your pal, !uddy" ;e1$e got your pal"1
)ossarian .as unner$ed" 1;hat the hell are you tal'ing a!out51 he pleaded
in in%ipient pani%"
1)ou1ll find out, !uddy" )ou1ll find out"1
)ossarian lunged for his tormentor1s throat .ith one hand, !ut the man
glided out of rea%h effortlessly and $anished into the %orridor .ith a
mali%ious laugh" )ossarian lay there trem!ling .ith a pounding pulse" He
.as !athed in i%y s.eat" He .ondered .ho his pal .as" #t .as dar' in the
hospital and perfe%tly 2uiet" He had no .at%h to tell him the time" He .as
.ide9a.a'e, and he 'ne. he .as a prisoner in one of those sleepless,
!edridden nights that .ould ta'e an eternity to dissol$e into da.n" +
thro!!ing %hill oo0ed up his legs" He .as %old, and he thought of Sno.den,
.ho had ne$er !een his pal !ut .as a $aguely familiar 'id .ho .as !adly
.ounded and free0ing to death in the puddle of harsh yello. sunlight
splashing into his fa%e through the side gunport .hen )ossarian %ra.led
into the rear se%tion of the plane o$er the !om! !ay after -o!!s had
!esee%hed him on the inter%om to help the gunner, please help the gunner"
)ossarian1s stoma%h turned o$er .hen his eyes first !eheld the ma%a!re
s%eneA he .as a!solutely re$olted, and he paused in fright a fe. moments
!efore des%ending, %rou%hed on his hands and 'nees in the narro. tunnel
o$er the !om! !ay !eside the sealed %orrugated %arton %ontaining the first9
aid 'it" Sno.den .as lying on his !a%' on the floor .ith his legs stret%hed
out, still !urdened %um!ersomely !y his fla' suit, his fla' helmet, his
para%hute harness and his Mae ;est" ,ot far a.ay on the floor lay the
small tail9gunner in a dead faint" The .ound )ossarian sa. .as in the
outside of Sno.den1s thigh, as large and deep as a foot!all, it seemed" #t
.as impossi!le to tell .here the shreds of his saturated %o$eralls ended
and the ragged flesh !egan"
There .as no morphine in the first9aid 'it, no prote%tion for Sno.den
against pain !ut the num!ing sho%' of the gaping .ound itself" The t.el$e
syrettes of morphine had !een stolen from their %ase and repla%ed !y a
%leanly lettered note that said@ 1;hat1s good for M I M nterprises is good
for the %ountry" Milo Minder!inder"1 )ossarian s.ore at Milo and held t.o
aspirins out to ashen lips una!le to re%ei$e them" 3ut first he hastily dre. a
tourni2uet around Sno.den1s thigh !e%ause he %ould not thin' .hat else to
do in those first tumultuous moments .hen his senses .ere in turmoil,
.hen he 'ne. he must a%t %ompetently at on%e and feared he might go to
pie%es %ompletely" Sno.den .at%hed him steadily, saying nothing" ,o
artery .as spurting, !ut )ossarian pretended to a!sor! himself entirely into
the fashioning of a tourni2uet, !e%ause applying a tourni2uet .as
something he did 'no. ho. to do" He .or'ed .ith simulated s'ill and
%omposure, feeling Sno.den1s la%'9luster ga0e resting upon him" He
re%o$ered possession of himself !efore the tourni2uet .as finished and
loosened it immediately to lessen the danger of gangrene" His mind .as
%lear no., and he 'ne. ho. to pro%eed" He rummaged through the first9aid
'it for s%issors"
1#1m %old,1 Sno.den said softly" 1#1m %old"1
1)ou1re going to !e all right, 'id,1 )ossarian reassured him .ith a grin"
1)ou1re going to !e all right"1
1#1m %old,1 Sno.den said again in a frail, %hildli'e $oi%e" 1#1m %old"1
1There, there,1 )ossarian said, !e%ause he did not 'no. .hat else to say"
1There, there"1
1#1m %old,1 Sno.den .himpered" 1#1m %old"1
1There, there" There, there"1
)ossarian .as frightened and mo$ed more s.iftly" He found a pair of
s%issors at last and !egan %utting %arefully through Sno.den1s %o$eralls
high up a!o$e the .ound, /ust !elo. the groin" He %ut through the hea$y
ga!ardine %loth all the .ay around the thigh in a straight line" The tiny
tailgunner .o'e up .hile )ossarian .as %utting .ith the s%issors, sa. him,
and fainted again" Sno.den rolled his head to the other side of his ne%' in
order to stare at )ossarian more dire%tly" + dim, sun'en light glo.ed in his
.ea' and listless eyes" )ossarian, pu00led, tried not to loo' at him" He
!egan %utting do.n.ard through the %o$eralls along the inside seam" The
ya.ning .ound = .as that a tu!e of slimy !one he sa. running deep
inside the gory s%arlet flo. !ehind the t.it%hing, startling fi!ers of .eird
mus%le5 = .as dripping !lood in se$eral tri%'les, li'e sno. melting on
ea$es, !ut $is%ous and red, already thi%'ening as it dropped" )ossarian
'ept %utting through the %o$eralls to the !ottom and peeled open the
se$ered leg of the garment" #t fell to the floor .ith a plop, e4posing the hem
of 'ha'i undershorts that .ere soa'ing up !lot%hes of !lood on one side as
though in thirst" )ossarian .as stunned at ho. .a4en and ghastly
Sno.den1s !are leg loo'ed, ho. loathsome, ho. lifeless and esoteri% the
do.ny, fine, %urled !lond hairs on his odd .hite shin and %alf" The .ound,
he sa. no., .as not nearly as large as a foot!all, !ut as long and .ide as
his hand and too ra. and deep to see into %learly" The ra. mus%les inside
t.it%hed li'e li$e ham!urger meat" + long sigh of relief es%aped slo.ly
through )ossarian1s mouth .hen he sa. that Sno.den .as not in danger
of dying" The !lood .as already %oagulating inside the .ound, and it .as
simply a matter of !andaging him up and 'eeping him %alm until the plane
landed" He remo$ed some pa%'ets of sulfanilamide from the first9aid 'it"
Sno.den 2ui$ered .hen )ossarian pressed against him gently to turn him
up slightly on his side"
1-id # hurt you51
1#1m %old,1 Sno.den .himpered" 1#1m %old"1
1There, there,1 )ossarian said" 1There, there"1
1#1m %old" #1m %old"1
1There, there" There, there"1
1#t1s starting to hurt me,1 Sno.den %ried out suddenly .ith a plainti$e, urgent
.in%e"
)ossarian s%ram!led franti%ally through the first9aid 'it in sear%h of
morphine again and found only Milo1s note and a !ottle of aspirin" He
%ursed Milo and held t.o aspirin ta!lets out to Sno.den" He had no .ater
to offer" Sno.den re/e%ted the aspirin .ith an almost imper%epti!le sha'e of
his head" His fa%e .as pale and pasty" )ossarian remo$ed Sno.den1s fla'
helmet and lo.ered his head to the floor"
1#1m %old,1 Sno.den moaned .ith half9%losed eyes" 1#1m %old"1
The edges of his mouth .ere turning !lue" )ossarian .as petrified" He
.ondered .hether to pull the rip %ord of Sno.den1s para%hute and %o$er
him .ith the nylon folds" #t .as $ery .arm in the plane" 6lan%ing up
une4pe%tedly, Sno.den ga$e him a .an, %o9operati$e smile and shifted the
position of his hips a !it so that )ossarian %ould !egin salting the .ound
.ith sulfanilamide" )ossarian .or'ed .ith rene.ed %onfiden%e and
optimism" The plane !oun%ed hard inside an air po%'et, and he
remem!ered .ith a start that he had left his o.n para%hute up front in the
nose" There .as nothing to !e done a!out that" He poured en$elope after
en$elope of the .hite %rystalline po.der into the !loody o$al .ound until
nothing red %ould !e seen and then dre. a deep, apprehensi$e !reath,
steeling himself .ith gritted teeth as he tou%hed his !are hand to the
dangling shreds of drying flesh to tu%' them up inside the .ound" Hui%'ly
he %o$ered the .hole .ound .ith a large %otton %ompress and /er'ed his
hand a.ay" He smiled ner$ously .hen his !rief ordeal had ended" The
a%tual %onta%t .ith the dead flesh had not !een nearly as repulsi$e as he
had anti%ipated, and he found an e4%use to %aress the .ound .ith his
fingers again and again to %on$in%e himself of his o.n %ourage"
,e4t he !egan !inding the %ompress in pla%e .ith a roll of gau0e" The
se%ond time around Sno.den1s thigh .ith the !andage, he spotted the
small hole on the inside through .hi%h the pie%e of fla' had entered, a
round, %rin'led .ound the si0e of a 2uarter .ith !lue edges and a !la%'
%ore inside .here the !lood had %rusted" )ossarian sprin'led this one .ith
sulfanilamide too and %ontinued un.inding the gau0e around Sno.den1s
leg until the %ompress .as se%ure" Then he snipped off the roll .ith the
s%issors and slit the end do.n the %enter" He made the .hole thing fast
.ith a tidy s2uare 'not" #t .as a good !andage, he 'ne., and he sat !a%'
on his heels .ith pride, .iping the perspiration from his !ro., and grinned
at Sno.den .ith spontaneous friendliness"
1#1m %old,1 Sno.den moaned" 1#1m %old"1
1)ou1re going to !e all right, 'id,1 )ossarian assured him, patting his arm
%omfortingly" 1$erything1s under %ontrol"1
Sno.den shoo' his head fee!ly" 1#1m %old,1 he repeated, .ith eyes as dull
and !lind as stone" 1#1m %old"1
1There, there,1 said )ossarian, .ith gro.ing dou!t and trepidation" 1There,
there" #n a little .hile .e1ll !e !a%' on the ground and -o% -anee'a .ill
ta'e %are of you"1
3ut Sno.den 'ept sha'ing his head and pointed at last, .ith /ust the !arest
mo$ement of his %hin, do.n to.ard his armpit" )ossarian !ent for.ard to
peer and sa. a strangely %olored stain seeping through the %o$eralls /ust
a!o$e the armhole of Sno.den1s fla' suit" )ossarian felt his heart stop, then
pound so $iolently he found it diffi%ult to !reathe" Sno.den .as .ounded
inside his fla' suit" )ossarian ripped open the snaps of Sno.den1s fla' suit
and heard himself s%ream .ildly as Sno.den1s insides slithered do.n to the
floor in a soggy pile and /ust 'ept dripping out" + %hun' of fla' more than
three in%hes !ig had shot into his other side /ust underneath the arm and
!lasted all the .ay through, dra.ing .hole mottled 2uarts of Sno.den
along .ith it through the giganti% hole in his ri!s it made as it !lasted out"
)ossarian s%reamed a se%ond time and s2uee0ed !oth hands o$er his
eyes" His teeth .ere %hattering in horror" He for%ed himself to loo' again"
Here .as 6od1s plenty, all right, he thought !itterly as he stared = li$er,
lungs, 'idneys, ri!s, stoma%h and !its of the ste.ed tomatoes Sno.den
had eaten that day for lun%h" )ossarian hated ste.ed tomatoes and turned
a.ay di00ily and !egan to $omit, %lut%hing his !urning throat" The tail
gunner .o'e up .hile )ossarian .as $omiting, sa. him, and fainted again"
)ossarian .as limp .ith e4haustion, pain and despair .hen he finished" He
turned !a%' .ea'ly to Sno.den, .hose !reath had gro.n softer and more
rapid, and .hose fa%e had gro.n paler" He .ondered ho. in the .orld to
!egin to sa$e him"
1#1m %old,1 Sno.den .himpered" 1#1m %old"1
1There, there,1 )ossarian mum!led me%hani%ally in a $oi%e too lo. to !e
heard" 1There, there"1
)ossarian .as %old, too, and shi$ering un%ontrolla!ly" He felt goose
pimples %la%'ing all o$er him as he ga0ed do.n despondently at the grim
se%ret Sno.den had spilled all o$er the messy floor" #t .as easy to read the
message in his entrails" Man .as matter, that .as Sno.den1s se%ret" -rop
him out a .indo. and he1ll fall" Set fire to him and he1ll !urn" 3ury him and
he1ll rot, li'e other 'inds of gar!age" The spirit gone, man is gar!age" That
.as Sno.den1s se%ret" *ipeness .as all"
1#1m %old,1 Sno.den said" 1#1m %old"1
1There, there,1 said )ossarian" 1There, there"1 He pulled the rip %ord of
Sno.den1s para%hute and %o$ered his !ody .ith the .hite nylon sheets"
1#1m %old"1
1There, there"1
+ossarian
1Colonel >orn says,1 said Ma/or -an!y to )ossarian .ith a prissy, gratified
smile, 1that the deal is still on" $erything is .or'ing out fine"1
1,o it isn1t"1
1(h, yes, indeed,1 Ma/or -an!y insisted !ene$olently" 1#n fa%t, e$erything is
mu%h !etter" #t .as really a stro'e of lu%' that you .ere almost murdered !y
that girl" ,o. the deal %an go through perfe%tly"1
1#1m not ma'ing any deals .ith Colonel >orn"1
Ma/or -an!y1s effer$es%ent optimism $anished instantly, and he !ro'e out
all at on%e into a !u!!ling s.eat" 13ut you do ha$e a deal .ith him, don1t
you51 he as'ed in anguished pu00lement" 1-on1t you ha$e an agreement51
1#1m !rea'ing the agreement"1
13ut you shoo' hands on it, didn1t you5 )ou ga$e him your .ord as a
gentleman"1
1#1m !rea'ing my .ord"1
1(h, dear,1 sighed Ma/or -an!y, and !egan da!!ing ineffe%tually at his
%are.orn !ro. .ith a folded .hite hand'er%hief" 13ut .hy, )ossarian5 #t1s a
$ery good deal they1re offering you"1
1#t1s a lousy deal, -an!y" #t1s an odious deal"1
1(h, dear,1 Ma/or -an!y fretted, running his !are hand o$er his dar', .iry
hair, .hi%h .as already soa'ed .ith perspiration to the tops of the thi%',
%lose9%ropped .a$es" 1(h dear"1
1-an!y, don1t you thin' it1s odious51
Ma/or -an!y pondered a moment" 1)es, # suppose it is odious,1 he
%on%eded .ith relu%tan%e" His glo!ular, e4ophthalmi% eyes .ere 2uite
distraught" 13ut .hy did you ma'e su%h a deal if you didn1t li'e it51
1# did it in a moment of .ea'ness,1 )ossarian .ise%ra%'ed .ith glum irony" 1#
.as trying to sa$e my life"1
1-on1t you .ant to sa$e your life no.51
1That1s .hy # .on1t let them ma'e me fly more missions"1
1Then let them send you home and you1ll !e in no more danger"1
1&et them send me home !e%ause # fle. more than fifty missions,1
)ossarian said, 1and not !e%ause # .as sta!!ed !y that girl, or !e%ause #1$e
turned into su%h a stu!!orn son of a !it%h"1
Ma/or -an!y shoo' his head emphati%ally in sin%ere and !espe%ta%led
$e4ation" 1They1d ha$e to send nearly e$ery man home if they did that" Most
of the men ha$e more than fifty missions" Colonel Cath%art %ouldn1t possi!ly
re2uisition so many ine4perien%ed repla%ement %re.s at one time .ithout
%ausing an in$estigation" He1s %aught in his o.n trap"1
1That1s his pro!lem"1
1,o, no, no, )ossarian,1 Ma/or -an!y disagreed soli%itously" 1#t1s your
pro!lem" 3e%ause if you don1t go through .ith the deal, they1re going to
institute %ourt9martial pro%eedings as soon as you sign out of the hospital"1
)ossarian thum!ed his nose at Ma/or -an!y and laughed .ith smug
elation" 1The hell they .illB -on1t lie to me, -an!y" They .ouldn1t e$en try"1
13ut .hy .ouldn1t they51 in2uired Ma/or -an!y, !lin'ing .ith astonishment"
13e%ause #1$e really got them o$er a !arrel no." There1s an offi%ial report
that says # .as sta!!ed !y a ,a0i assassin trying to 'ill them" They1d
%ertainly loo' silly trying to %ourt9martial me after that"1
13ut, )ossarianB1 Ma/or -an!y e4%laimed" 1There1s another offi%ial report that
says you .ere sta!!ed !y an inno%ent girl in the %ourse of e4tensi$e !la%'9
mar'et operations in$ol$ing a%ts of sa!otage and the sale of military se%rets
to the enemy"1
)ossarian .as ta'en !a%' se$erely .ith surprise and disappointment"
1+nother offi%ial report51
1)ossarian, they %an prepare as many offi%ial reports as they .ant and
%hoose .hi%he$er ones they need on any gi$en o%%asion" -idn1t you 'no.
that51
1(h, dear,1 )ossarian murmured in hea$y de/e%tion, the !lood draining from
his fa%e" 1(h, dear"1
Ma/or -an!y pressed for.ard a$idly .ith a loo' of $ulturous .ell9meaning"
1)ossarian, do .hat they .ant and let them send you home" #t1s !est for
e$eryone that .ay"1
1#t1s !est for Cath%art, >orn and me, not for e$eryone"1
17or e$eryone,1 Ma/or -an!y insisted" 1#t .ill sol$e the .hole pro!lem"1
1#s it !est for the men in the group .ho .ill ha$e to 'eep flying more
missions51
Ma/or -an!y flin%hed and turned his fa%e a.ay un%omforta!ly for a se%ond"
1)ossarian,1 he replied, 1it .ill help no!ody if you for%e Colonel Cath%art to
%ourt9martial you and pro$e you guilty of all the %rimes .ith .hi%h you1ll !e
%harged" )ou .ill go to prison for a long time, and your .hole life .ill !e
ruined"1
)ossarian listened to him .ith a gro.ing feeling of %on%ern" 1;hat %rimes
.ill they %harge me .ith51
1#n%ompeten%e o$er 7errara, insu!ordination, refusal to engage the enemy
in %om!at .hen ordered to do so, and desertion"1
)ossarian su%'ed his %hee's in so!erly" 1They %ould %harge me .ith all
that, %ould they5 They ga$e me a medal for 7errara" Ho. %ould they %harge
me .ith in%ompeten%e no.51
1+arfy .ill s.ear that you and M%;att lied in your offi%ial report"1
1#1ll !et the !astard .ouldB1
1They .ill also find you guilty,1 Ma/or -an!y re%ited, 1of rape, e4tensi$e
!la%'9mar'et operations, a%ts of sa!otage and the sale of military se%rets to
the enemy"1
1Ho. .ill they pro$e any of that5 # ne$er did a single one of those things"1
13ut they ha$e .itnesses .ho .ill s.ear you did" They %an get all the
.itnesses they need simply !y persuading them that destroying you is for
the good of the %ountry" +nd in a .ay, it #ould !e for the good of the
%ountry"1
1#n .hat .ay51 )ossarian demanded, rising up slo.ly on one el!o. .ith
!ridling hostility"
Ma/or -an!y dre. !a%' a !it and !egan mopping his forehead again" 1;ell,
)ossarian,1 he !egan .ith an apologeti% stammer, 1it .ould not help the .ar
effort to !ring Colonel Cath%art and Colonel >orn into disrepute no." &et1s
fa%e it, )ossarian = in spite of e$erything, the group does ha$e a $ery good
re%ord" #f you .ere %ourt9martialed and found inno%ent, other men .ould
pro!a!ly refuse to fly missions, too" Colonel Cath%art .ould !e in disgra%e,
and the military effi%ien%y of the unit might !e destroyed" So in that .ay
it #ould !e for the good of the %ountry to ha$e you found guilty and put in
prison, e$en though you are inno%ent"1
1;hat a s.eet .ay you ha$e of putting thingsB1 )ossarian snapped .ith
%austi% resentment"
Ma/or -an!y turned red and s2uirmed and s2uinted uneasily" 1Please don1t
!lame me,1 he pleaded .ith a loo' of an4ious integrity" 1)ou 'no. it1s not my
fault" +ll #1m doing is trying to loo' at things o!/e%ti$ely and arri$e at a
solution to a $ery diffi%ult situation"1
1# didn1t %reate the situation"1
13ut you %an resol$e it" +nd .hat else %an you do5 )ou don1t .ant to fly
more missions"1
1# %an run a.ay"1
*un a.ay51
1-esert" Ta'e off # %an turn my !a%' on the .hole damned mess and start
running"1
Ma/or -an!y .as sho%'ed" 1;here to5 ;here %ould you go51
1# %ould get to *ome easily enough" +nd # %ould hide myself there"1
1+nd li$e in danger e$ery minute of your life that they .ould find you5 ,o,
no, no, no, )ossarian" That .ould !e a disastrous and igno!le thing to do"
*unning a.ay from pro!lems ne$er sol$ed them" Please !elie$e me" # am
only trying to help you"1
1That1s .hat that 'ind dete%ti$e said !efore he de%ided to /a! his thum! into
my .ound,1 )ossarian retorted sar%asti%ally"
1# am not a dete%ti$e,1 Ma/or -an!y replied .ith indignation, his %hee's
flushing again" 1#1m a uni$ersity professor .ith a highly de$eloped sense of
right and .rong, and # .ouldn1t try to de%ei$e you" # .ouldn1t lie to anyone"1
1;hat .ould you do if one of the men in the group as'ed you a!out this
%on$ersation51
1# .ould lie to him"1
)ossarian laughed mo%'ingly, and Ma/or -an!y, despite his !lushing
dis%omfort, leaned !a%' .ith relief, as though .el%oming the respite
)ossarian1s %hanging mood promised" )ossarian ga0ed at him .ith a
mi4ture of reser$ed pity and %ontempt" He sat up in !ed .ith his !a%'
resting against the head!oard, lit a %igarette, smiled slightly .ith .ry
amusement, and stared .ith .himsi%al sympathy at the $i$id, pop9eyed
horror that had implanted itself permanently on Ma/or -an!y1s fa%e the day
of the mission to +$ignon, .hen 6eneral -reedle had ordered him ta'en
outside and shot" The startled .rin'les .ould al.ays remain, li'e deep
!la%' s%ars, and )ossarian felt sorry for the gentle, moral, middle9aged
idealist, as he felt sorry for so many people .hose short%omings .ere not
large and .hose trou!les .ere light"
;ith deli!erate amia!ility he said, 1-an!y, ho. %an you .or' along .ith
people li'e Cath%art and >orn5 -oesn1t it turn your stoma%h51
Ma/or -an!y seemed surprised !y )ossarian1s 2uestion" 1# do it to help my
%ountry,1 he replied, as though the ans.er should ha$e !een o!$ious"
1Colonel Cath%art and Colonel >orn are my superiors, and o!eying their
orders is the only %ontri!ution # %an ma'e to the .ar effort" # .or' along .ith
them !e%ause it1s my duty" +nd also,1 he added in a mu%h lo.er $oi%e,
dropping his eyes, 1!e%ause # am not a $ery aggressi$e person"1
1)our %ountry doesn1t need your help any more,1 )ossarian reasoned .ith
antagonism" 1So all you1re doing is helping them"1
1# try not to thin' of that,1 Ma/or -an!y admitted fran'ly" 13ut # try to
%on%entrate on only the !ig result and to forget that they are su%%eeding,
too" # try to pretend that they are not signifi%ant"1
1That1s my trou!le, you 'no.,1 )ossarian mused sympatheti%ally, folding his
arms" 13et.een me and e$ery ideal # al.ays find S%heiss'opfs, Pe%'ems,
>orns and Cath%arts" +nd that sort of %hanges the ideal"1
1)ou must try not to thin' of them,1 Ma/or -an!y ad$ised affirmati$ely" 1+nd
you must ne$er let them %hange your $alues" #deals are good, !ut people
are sometimes not so good" )ou must try to loo' up at the !ig pi%ture"1
)ossarian re/e%ted the ad$i%e .ith a s'epti%al sha'e of his head" 1;hen #
loo' up, # see people %ashing in" # don1t see hea$en or saints or angels" #
see people %ashing in on e$ery de%ent impulse and e$ery human tragedy"1
13ut you must try not to thin' of that, too,1 Ma/or -an!y insisted" 1+nd you
must try not to let it upset you"1
1(h, it doesn1t really upset me" ;hat does upset me, though, is that they
thin' #1m a su%'er" They thin' that they1re smart, and that the rest of us are
dum!" +nd, you 'no., -an!y, the thought o%%urs to me right no., for the
first time, that may!e they1re right"1
13ut you must try not to thin' of that too,1 argued Ma/or -an!y" 1)ou must
thin' only of the .elfare of your %ountry and the dignity of man"1
1)eah,1 said )ossarian"
1# mean it, )ossarian" This is not ;orld ;ar (ne" )ou must ne$er forget
that .e1re at .ar .ith aggressors .ho .ould not let either one of us li$e if
they .on"1
1# 'no. that,1 )ossarian replied tersely, .ith a sudden surge of s%o.ling
annoyan%e" 1Christ, -an!y, # earned that medal # got, no matter .hat their
reasons .ere for gi$ing it to me" #1$e flo.n se$enty goddam %om!at
missions" -on1t tal' to me a!out fighting to sa$e my %ountry" #1$e !een
fighting all along to sa$e my %ountry" ,o. #1m going to fight a little to sa$e
myself" The %ountry1s not in danger any more, !ut # am"1
1The .ar1s not o$er yet" The 6ermans are dri$ing to.ard +nt.erp"1
1The 6ermans .ill !e !eaten in a fe. months" +nd Japan .ill !e !eaten a
fe. months after that" #f # .ere to gi$e up my life no., it .ouldn1t !e for my
%ountry" #t .ould !e for Cath%art and >orn" So #1m turning my !om!sight in
for the duration" 7rom no. on #1m thin'ing only of me"1
Ma/or -an!y replied indulgently .ith a superior smile, 13ut, )ossarian,
suppose e$eryone felt that .ay"1
1Then #1d %ertainly !e a damned fool to feel any other .ay, .ouldn1t #51
)ossarian sat up straighter .ith a 2ui00i%al e4pression" 1)ou 'no., # ha$e a
2ueer feeling that #1$e !een through this e4a%t %on$ersation !efore .ith
someone" #t1s /ust li'e the %haplain1s sensation of ha$ing e4perien%ed
e$erything t.i%e"1
1The %haplain .ants you to let them send you home,1 Ma/or -an!y
remar'ed"
1The %haplain %an /ump in the la'e"1
1(h, dear"1 Ma/or -an!y sighed, sha'ing his head in regretful
disappointment" 1He1s afraid he might ha$e influen%ed you"1
1He didn1t influen%e me" )ou 'no. .hat # might do5 # might stay right here in
this hospital !ed and $egetate" # %ould $egetate $ery %omforta!ly right here
and let other people ma'e the de%isions"1
1)ou must ma'e de%isions,1 Ma/or -an!y disagreed" 1+ person %an1t li$e li'e
a $egeta!le"1
1;hy not51
+ distant .arm loo' entered Ma/or -an!y1s eyes" 1#t must !e ni%e to li$e li'e
a $egeta!le,1 he %on%eded .istfully"
1#t1s lousy,1 ans.ered )ossarian"
1,o, it must !e $ery pleasant to !e free from all this dou!t and pressure,1
insisted Ma/or -an!y" 1# thin' #1d li'e to li$e li'e a $egeta!le and ma'e no
important de%isions"1
1;hat 'ind of $egeta!le, -an!y51
1+ %u%um!er or a %arrot"1
1;hat 'ind of %u%um!er5 + good one or a !ad one51
1(h, a good one, of %ourse"1
1They1d %ut you off in your prime and sli%e you up for a salad"1
Ma/or -an!y1s fa%e fell" 1+ poor one, then"1
1They1d let you rot and use you for fertili0er to help the good ones gro."1
1# guess # don1t .ant to li$e li'e a $egeta!le, then,1 said Ma/or -an!y .ith a
smile of sad resignation"
1-an!y, must # really let them send me home51 )ossarian in2uired of him
seriously"
Ma/or -an!y shrugged" 1#t1s a .ay to sa$e yourself"1
1#t1s a .ay to lose myself, -an!y" )ou ought to 'no. that"1
1)ou %ould ha$e lots of things you .ant"1
1# don1t .ant lots of things # .ant,1 )ossarian replied, and then !eat his fist
do.n against the mattress in an out!urst of rage and frustration"
16oddammit, -an!yB #1$e got friends .ho .ere 'illed in this .ar" # %an1t
ma'e a deal no." 6etting sta!!ed !y that !it%h .as the !est thing that e$er
happened to me"1
1;ould you rather go to /ail51
1;ould you let them send you home51
1(f %ourse # .ouldB1 Ma/or -an!y de%lared .ith %on$i%tion" 1Certainly #
.ould,1 he added a fe. moments later, in a less positi$e manner" 1)es, #
suppose # .ould let them send me home if # .ere in your pla%e,1 he de%ided
un%omforta!ly, after lapsing into trou!led %ontemplation" Then he thre. his
fa%e side.ays disgustedly in a gesture of $iolent distress and !lurted out,
1(h, yes, of %ourse #1d let them send me homeB 3ut #1m su%h a terri!le
%o.ard # %ouldn1t really !e in your pla%e"1
13ut suppose you .eren1t a %o.ard51 )ossarian demanded, studying him
%losely" 1Suppose you did ha$e the %ourage to defy some!ody51
1Then # #ouldn't let them send me home,1 Ma/or -an!y $o.ed emphati%ally
.ith $igorous /oy and enthusiasm" 13ut # %ertainly .ouldn1t let them %ourt9
martial me"1
1;ould you fly more missions51
1,o, of %ourse not" That .ould !e total %apitulation" +nd # might !e 'illed"1
1Then you1d run a.ay51
Ma/or -an!y started to retort .ith proud spirit and %ame to an a!rupt stop,
his half9opened /a. s.inging %losed dum!ly" He pursed his lips in a tired
pout" 1# guess there /ust .ouldn1t !e any hope for me, then, .ould there51
His forehead and protu!erant .hite eye!alls .ere soon glistening ner$ously
again" He %rossed his limp .rists in his lap and hardly seemed to !e
!reathing as he sat .ith his ga0e drooping to.ard the floor in a%2uies%ent
defeat" -ar', steep shado.s slanted in from the .indo." )ossarian
.at%hed him solemnly, and neither of the t.o men stirred at the rattling
noise of a speeding $ehi%le s'idding to a stop outside and the sound of
ra%ing footsteps pounding to.ard the !uilding in haste"
1)es, there1s hope for you,1 )ossarian remem!ered .ith a sluggish flo. of
inspiration" 1Milo might help you" He1s !igger than Colonel Cath%art, and he
o.es me a fe. fa$ors"1
Ma/or -an!y shoo' his head and ans.ered tonelessly" 1Milo and Colonel
Cath%art are pals no." He made Colonel Cath%art a $i%e9president and
promised him an important /o! after the .ar"1
1Then e49P"7"C" ;intergreen .ill help us,1 )ossarian e4%laimed" 1He hates
them !oth, and this .ill infuriate him"1
Ma/or -an!y shoo' his head !lea'ly again" 1Milo and e49P"7"C" ;intergreen
merged last .ee'" They1re all partners no. in M I M nterprises"1
1Then there is no hope for us, is there51
1,o hope"1
1,o hope at all, is there51
1,o, no hope at all,1 Ma/or -an!y %on%eded" He loo'ed up after a .hile .ith
a half9formed notion" 1;ouldn1t it !e ni%e if they %ould disappear us the .ay
they disappeared the others and relie$e us of all these %rushing !urdens51
)ossarian said no" Ma/or -an!y agreed .ith a melan%holy nod, lo.ering his
eyes again, and there .as no hope at all for either of them until footsteps
e4ploded in the %orridor suddenly and the %haplain, shouting at the top of
his $oi%e, %ame !ursting into the room .ith the ele%trifying ne.s a!out (rr,
so o$er%ome .ith hilarious e4%itement that he .as almost in%oherent for a
minute or t.o" Tears of great elation .ere spar'ling in his eyes, and
)ossarian leaped out of !ed .ith an in%redulous yelp .hen he finally
understood"
'S#eden"' he %ried"
1(rrB1 %ried the %haplain"
1(rr51 %ried )ossarian"
1S.edenB1 %ried the %haplain, sha'ing his head up and do.n .ith gleeful
rapture and pran%ing a!out un%ontrolla!ly from spot to spot in a grinning,
deli%ious fren0y" 1#t1s a mira%le, # tell youB + mira%leB # !elie$e in 6od again" #
really do" ;ashed ashore in S.eden after so many .ee's at seaB #t1s a
mira%le"1
1;ashed ashore, hellB1 )ossarian de%lared, /umping all a!out also and
roaring in laughing e4ultation at the .alls, the %eiling, the %haplain and
Ma/or -an!y" 1He didn1t .ash ashore in S.eden" He ro#ed thereB
He ro#ed there, Chaplain, he ro#ed there"1
*o.ed there51
1He planned it that .ayB He .ent to S.eden deli!erately"1
1;ell, # don1t %areB1 the %haplain flung !a%' .ith undiminished 0eal" 1#t1s still a
mira%le, a mira%le of human intelligen%e and human enduran%e" &oo' ho.
mu%h he a%%omplishedB1 The %haplain %lut%hed his head .ith !oth hands
and dou!led o$er in laughter" 1Can1t you /ust pi%ture him51 he e4%laimed .ith
ama0ement" 1Can1t you /ust pi%ture him in that yello. raft, paddling through
the Straits of 6i!raltar at night .ith that tiny little !lue oar =1
1;ith that fishing line trailing out !ehind him, eating ra. %odfish all the .ay
to S.eden, and ser$ing himself tea e$ery afternoon =1
1# %an /ust see himB1 %ried the %haplain, pausing a moment in his %ele!ration
to %at%h his !reath" 1#t1s a mira%le of human perse$eran%e, # tell you" +nd
that1s /ust .hat #1m going to do from no. onB #1m going to perse$ere" )es,
#1m going to perse$ere"1
1He 'ne. .hat he .as doing e$ery step of the .ayB1 )ossarian re/oi%ed,
holding !oth fists aloft triumphantly as though hoping to s2uee0e
re$elations from them" He spun to a stop fa%ing Ma/or -an!y" 1-an!y, you
dopeB There is hope, after all" Can1t you see5 $en Cle$inger might !e ali$e
some.here in that %loud of his, hiding inside until it1s safe to %ome out"1
1;hat are you tal'ing a!out51 Ma/or -an!y as'ed in %onfusion" 1;hat are
you !oth tal'ing a!out51
13ring me apples, -an!y, and %hestnuts too" *un, -an!y, run" 3ring me
%ra! apples and horse %hestnuts !efore it1s too late, and get some for
yourself"1
1Horse %hestnuts5 Cra! apples5 ;hat in the .orld for51
1To pop into our %hee's, of %ourse"1 )ossarian thre. his arms up into the air
in a gesture of mighty and despairing self9re%rimination" 1(h, .hy didn1t #
listen to him5 ;hy .ouldn1t # ha$e some faith51
1Ha$e you gone %ra0y51 Ma/or -an!y demanded .ith alarm and
!e.ilderment" 1)ossarian, .ill you please tell me .hat you are tal'ing
a!out51
1-an!y, (rr planned it that .ay" -on1t you understand = he planned it that
.ay from the !eginning" He e$en pra%ti%ed getting shot do.n" He
rehearsed for it on e$ery mission he fle." +nd # .ouldn1t go .ith himB (h,
.hy .ouldn1t # listen5 He in$ited me along, and # .ouldn1t go .ith himB
-an!y, !ring me !u%' teeth too, and a $al$e to fi4 and a loo' of stupid
inno%en%e that no!ody .ould e$er suspe%t of any %le$erness" #1ll need them
all" (h, .hy .ouldn1t # listen to him" ,o. # understand .hat he .as trying to
tell me" # e$en understand .hy that girl .as hitting him on the head .ith her
shoe"1
1;hy51 in2uired the %haplain sharply"
)ossarian .hirled and sei0ed the %haplain !y the shirt front in an
importuning grip" 1Chaplain, help meB Please help me" 6et my %lothes" +nd
hurry, .ill you5 # need them right a.ay"1
The %haplain started a.ay alertly" 1)es, )ossarian, # .ill" 3ut .here are
they5 Ho. .ill # get them51
13y !ullying and !ro.!eating any!ody .ho tries to stop you" Chaplain, get
me my uniformB #t1s around this hospital some.here" 7or on%e in your life,
su%%eed at something"1
The %haplain straightened his shoulders .ith determination and tightened
his /a." 1-on1t .orry, )ossarian" #1ll get your uniform" 3ut .hy .as that girl
hitting (rr o$er the head .ith her shoe5 Please tell me"1
13e%ause he .as paying her to, that1s .hyB 3ut she .ouldn1t hit him hard
enough, so he had to ro. to S.eden" Chaplain, find me my uniform so #
%an get out of here" +s' ,urse -u%'ett for it" She1ll help you" She1ll do
anything she %an to !e rid of me"1
1;here are you going51 Ma/or -an!y as'ed apprehensi$ely .hen the
%haplain had shot from the room" 1;hat are you going to do51
1#1m going to run a.ay,1 )ossarian announ%ed in an e4u!erant, %lear $oi%e,
already tearing open the !uttons of his pa/ama tops"
1(h, no,1 Ma/or -an!y groaned, and !egan patting his perspiring fa%e
rapidly .ith the !are palms of !oth hands" 1)ou %an1t run a.ay" ;here %an
you run to5 ;here %an you go51
1To S.eden"1
1To S.eden51 Ma/or -an!y e4%laimed in astonishment" 1)ou1re going to run
to S.eden5 +re you %ra0y51
1(rr did it"1
1(h, no, no, no, no, no,1 Ma/or -an!y pleaded" 1,o, )ossarian, you1ll ne$er
get there" )ou %an1t run a.ay to S.eden" )ou %an1t e$en ro."1
13ut # %an get to *ome if you1ll 'eep your mouth shut .hen you lea$e here
and gi$e me a %han%e to %at%h a ride" ;ill you do it51
13ut they1ll find you,1 Ma/or -an!y argued desperately, 1and !ring you !a%'
and punish you e$en more se$erely"1
1They1ll ha$e to try li'e hell to %at%h me this time"1
1They .ill try li'e hell" +nd e$en if they don1t find you, .hat 'ind of .ay is
that to li$e5 )ou1ll al.ays !e alone" ,o one .ill e$er !e on your side, and
you1ll al.ays li$e in danger of !etrayal"1
1# li$e that .ay no."1
13ut you %an1t /ust turn your !a%' on all your responsi!ilities and run a.ay
from them,1 Ma/or -an!y insisted" 1#t1s su%h a negati$e mo$e" #t1s es%apist"1
)ossarian laughed .ith !uoyant s%orn and shoo' his head" 1#1m not running
a.ay from my responsi!ilities" #1m running to them" There1s nothing
negati$e a!out running a.ay to sa$e my life" )ou 'no. .ho the es%apists
are, don1t you, -an!y5 ,ot me and (rr"1
1Chaplain, please tal' to him, .ill you5 He1s deserting" He .ants to run
a.ay to S.eden"1
1;onderfulB1 %heered the %haplain, proudly thro.ing on the !ed a pillo.%ase
full of )ossarian1s %lothing" 1*un a.ay to S.eden, )ossarian" +nd #1ll stay
here and perse$ere" )es" #1ll perse$ere" #1ll nag and !adger Colonel
Cath%art and Colonel >orn e$ery time # see them" #1m not afraid" #1ll e$en
pi%' on 6eneral -reedle"1
16eneral -reedle1s out,1 )ossarian reminded, pulling on his trousers and
hastily stuffing the tails of his shirt inside" 1#t1s 6eneral Pe%'em no."1
The %haplain1s !a!!ling %onfiden%e did not falter for an instant" 1Then #1ll
pi%' on 6eneral Pe%'em, and e$en on 6eneral S%heiss'opf" +nd do you
'no. .hat else #1m going to do5 #1m going to pun%h Captain 3la%' in the
nose the $ery ne4t time # see him" )es, #1m going to pun%h him in the nose"
#1ll do it .hen lots of people are around so that he may not ha$e a %han%e to
hit me !a%'"1
1Ha$e you !oth gone %ra0y51 Ma/or -an!y protested, his !ulging eyes
straining in their so%'ets .ith tortured a.e and e4asperation" 1Ha$e you
!oth ta'en lea$e of your senses5 )ossarian, listen =1
1#t1s a mira%le, # tell you,1 the %haplain pro%laimed, sei0ing Ma/or -an!y
a!out the .aist and dan%ing him around .ith his el!o.s e4tended for a
.alt0" 1+ real mira%le" #f (rr %ould ro. to S.eden, then # %an triumph o$er
Colonel Cath%art and Colonel >orn, if only # perse$ere"1
1Chaplain, .ill you please shut up51 Ma/or -an!y entreated politely, pulling
free and patting his perspiring !ro. .ith a fluttering motion" He !ent to.ard
)ossarian, .ho .as rea%hing for his shoes" 1;hat a!out Colonel =1
1# %ouldn1t %are less"1
13ut this may a%tua=1
1To hell .ith them !othB1
1This may a%tually help them,1 Ma/or -an!y persisted stu!!ornly" 1Ha$e you
thought of that51
1&et the !astards thri$e, for all # %are, sin%e # %an1t do a thing to stop them
!ut em!arrass them !y running a.ay" #1$e got responsi!ilities of my o.n
no., -an!y" #1$e got to get to S.eden"1
1)ou1ll ne$er ma'e it" #t1s impossi!le" #t1s almost a geographi%al impossi!ility
to get there from here"1
1Hell, -an!y, # 'no. that" 3ut at least #1ll !e trying" There1s a young 'id in
*ome .hose life #1d li'e to sa$e if # %an find her" #1ll ta'e her to S.eden .ith
me if # %an find her, so it isn1t all selfish, is it51
1#t1s a!solutely insane" )our %ons%ien%e .ill ne$er let you rest"1
16od !less it"1 )ossarian laughed" 1# .ouldn1t .ant to li$e .ithout strong
misgi$ings" *ight, Chaplain51
1#1m going to pun%h Captain 3la%' right in the nose the ne4t time # see him,1
gloried the %haplain, thro.ing t.o left /a!s in the air and then a %lumsy
hayma'er" 1Just li'e that"1
1;hat a!out the disgra%e51 demanded Ma/or -an!y"
1;hat disgra%e5 #1m more in disgra%e no."1 )ossarian tied a hard 'not in the
se%ond shoela%e and sprang to his feet" 1;ell, -an!y, #1m ready" ;hat do
you say5 ;ill you 'eep your mouth shut and let me %at%h a ride51
Ma/or -an!y regarded )ossarian in silen%e, .ith a strange, sad smile" He
had stopped s.eating and seemed a!solutely %alm" 1;hat .ould you do if #
did try to stop you51 he as'ed .ith rueful mo%'ery" 13eat me up51
)ossarian rea%ted to the 2uestion .ith hurt surprise" 1,o, of %ourse not"
;hy do you say that51
1# .ill !eat you up,1 !oasted the %haplain, dan%ing up $ery %lose to Ma/or
-an!y and shado.!o4ing" 1)ou and Captain 3la%', and may!e e$en
Corporal ;hit%om!" ;ouldn1t it !e .onderful if # found # didn1t ha$e to !e
afraid of Corporal ;hit%om! any more51
1+re you going to stop me51 )ossarian as'ed Ma/or -an!y, and ga0ed at
him steadily"
Ma/or -an!y s'ipped a.ay from the %haplain and hesitated a moment
longer" 1,o, of %ourse notB1 he !lurted out, and suddenly .as .a$ing !oth
arms to.ard the door in a gesture of e4u!erant urgen%y" 1(f %ourse # .on1t
stop you" 6o, for 6od sa'es, and hurryB -o you need any money51
1# ha$e some money"1
1;ell, here1s some more"1 ;ith fer$ent, e4%ited enthusiasm, Ma/or -an!y
pressed a thi%' .ad of #talian %urren%y upon )ossarian and %lasped his
hand in !oth his o.n, as mu%h to still his o.n trem!ling fingers as to gi$e
en%ouragement to )ossarian" 1#t must !e ni%e to !e in S.eden no.,1 he
o!ser$ed yearningly" 1The girls are so s.eet" +nd the people are so
ad$an%ed"1
16ood!ye, )ossarian,1 the %haplain %alled" 1+nd good lu%'" #1ll stay here and
perse$ere, and .e1ll meet again .hen the fighting stops"1
1So long, Chaplain" Than's, -an!y"1
1Ho. do you feel, )ossarian51
17ine" ,o, #1m $ery frightened"1
1That1s good,1 said Ma/or -an!y" 1#t pro$es you1re still ali$e" #t .on1t !e fun"1
)ossarian started out" 1)es it .ill"1
1# mean it, )ossarian" )ou1ll ha$e to 'eep on your toes e$ery minute of
e$ery day" They1ll !end hea$en and earth to %at%h you"1
1#1ll 'eep on my toes e$ery minute"1
1)ou1ll ha$e to /ump"1
1#1ll /ump"1
1JumpB1 Ma/or -an!y %ried"
)ossarian /umped" ,ately1s .hore .as hiding /ust outside the door" The
'nife %ame do.n, missing him !y in%hes, and he too' off"
TH ,-
3ppen$ix
Joseph Heller's .reface to the =>>? $dition of Cat%h9<<
#n 1961, ,he )e# 5ork ,imes .as a ne.spaper .ith eight %olumns" +nd on
,o$em!er 11 of that year, one day after the offi%ial pu!li%ation date
of 'atch&@@, the page .ith the !oo' re$ie. %arried an unusual
ad$ertisement that ran from top to !ottom and .as fi$e %olumns .ide" To
the eye the effe%t .as stupendous" The !oo' re$ie. that day, of a .or' !y
some!ody else, .as s2uee0ed aside to the fold of the page, as .ere the
%ross.ord pu00le and all else" The ad had this %aption@ ;H+T1S TH
C+TCH5 +nd displayed at the top in silhouette .as the %omi% %artoon of a
uniformed figure in flight, glan%ing off to the side at some unspe%ified
danger .ith an e4pression of pani%"
#t .as an announ%ement ad for 'atch&@@. #nter.o$en .ith the te4t .ere
mentions of praise from t.enty9one indi$iduals and groups of some pu!li%
standing, most %onne%ted to literature and the pu!lishing .orld, .ho had
re%ei$ed the no$el !efore pu!li%ation and had already re$ie.ed it or
%ommented a!out it fa$ora!ly"
;ithin days after pu!li%ation, there .as a re$ie. in ,he )ation !y ,elson
+lgren Na %lient of my o.n literary agent, .ho had urged him to read itO, .ho
.rote of 'atch&@@that it 1.as the !est no$el to %ome out of any.here in
years1" +nd there .as a re$ie. !y Studs Ter'el in a Chi%ago daily
ne.spaper that re%ommended it a!out as highly"
So mu%h attention to the .or' at pu!li%ation .as in large part the result of
the industrious 0eal and appre%iation of my literary agent, Candida
-onadio, and my editor, *o!ert 6ottlie!, and # em!ra%e the opportunity
afforded no. to dedi%ate this ne. edition to !oth of them, as %olleagues
and allies .ith talents that .ere of immeasura!le $alue"
The .or' .as not re$ie.ed in the ,imes on pu!li%ation" Ho.e$er, it .as
re$ie.ed in the Herald ,ribune !y Mauri%e -ol!ier, and Mr" -ol!ier said of
it@ 1+ .ild, mo$ing, sho%'ing, hilarious, raging, e4hilarating, giant roller9
%oaster of a !oo'"1
That the re$ie.er for the Herald ,ribune %ame to re$ie. at all this .ar no$el
!y someone un'no.n .as almost entirely the produ%t of %oin%iden%e" S" J"
Perelman, mu%h !etter 'no.n and the su!/e%t of an inter$ie. !y Mr"
-ol!ier, .as pu!lishing his o.n !oo' at /ust a!out that time" His pu!lisher
.as Simon I S%huster, mine too, and the editor in %harge of his .or' there
.as also the same, 3o! 6ottlie!" #n ans.er to a 2uestion put to him !y
-ol!ier a!out his o.n reading, Mr" Perelman replied that he .as $ery mu%h
engrossed in a no$el pressed upon him !y his editor, a no$el %alled 'atch&
@@. *eturning to his offi%e, Mr" -ol!ier later %onfessed to me, he found the
!oo' already in a pile .ith others he had de%ided he .ould not ha$e time to
study as prospe%ts to .rite a!out" Had it not !een for 6ottlie!, there .ould
ha$e !een no Perelman, and had it not !een for Perelman, there .ould
ha$e !een no re$ie. !y -ol!ier"
+nd had it not !een for -ol!ier, there might not ha$e !een the ,imes. T.o
.ee's after.ard, and pro!a!ly only !e%ause of Mr" -ol!ier, the !oo' .as
des%ri!ed .ith appro!ation in the daily ,imes !y the re$ie.er (r$ille
Pres%ott, .ho predi%ted it .ould not !e forgotten !y those .ho %ould ta'e it
and %alled it@ 1+ da00ling performan%e that .ill outrage nearly as many
readers as it delights"1
The rest, one might say is history, !ut it is a history easily mis%onstrued"
The no$el .on no pri0es and .as not on any !estseller list"
+nd, as Mr" Pres%ott foresa., for /ust a!out e$ery good report, there
seemed to appear one that .as negati$e" &oo'ing !a%' at this no$el after
t.enty9fi$e years, John +ldridge, to my mind the most per%epti$e and
persistent %ommentator of +meri%an literature o$er the de%ades, lauded
*o!ert 3rustein for his super!ly intelligent re$ie. in ,he )e#
0epublic, .hi%h %ontained 1essential arguments that mu%h of the later
%riti%ism has done little to impro$e on1, and Mr" +ldridge re%ognised that
many in the early audien%e of 'atch&@@ 1li'ed the !oo' for /ust the reasons
that %aused others to hate it1"
The disparagements .ere fre2uently $enomous" #n the Sunday ,imes, in a
noti%e in !a%' so slender that the only people seeing it .ere those a.aiting
it, the re$ie.er Na no$elist .ho also !y %han%e .as a %lient of my o.n
agent, CandidaO de%ided that the 1no$el gasps for .ant of %raft and
sensi!ility1, 1is repetitious and monotonous1, 1fails1, 1is an emotional
hodgepodge1, and .as no no$elA and in the esteemed ,he )e# 5orker, the
re$ie.er, a staff .riter .ho normally .rites a!out /a00, %ompared the !oo'
unfa$ora!ly .ith a no$el of similar setting !y Mit%hell 6oodman and
de%ided that 'atch&@@ 1doesn1t e$en seem to ha$e !een .rittenA instead, it
gi$es the impression of ha$ing !een shouted onto paper1, 1.hat remains is a
de!ris of sour /o'es1, and that in the end Heller 1.allo.s in his o.n laughter
and finally dro.ns in it1" N# am tempted no. to dro.n in laughter as # /ot this
do.n"O
# do not re%all that the no$el .as in%luded in the se$eral hundred !oo's in
the Christmas roundup of re%ommended reading of the ,imes that year or
in the se$eral hundred others pi%'ed out in the spring for summer reading"
3ut in late summer of 196<, *aymond ;alters, on the !estseller page of
the Sunday ,imes, .hi%h then %arried regularly the %olumn 1#n and (ut of
3oo's1, reported that the underground !oo' ,e. )or'ers seemed to !e
tal'ing a!out most .as 'atch&@@. NThe no$el pro!a!ly .as more hea$ily
ad$ertised than any other that year, !ut it .as still underground"O ,ot that
mu%h later, )e#s#eek %arried a story to the same effe%t in a spa%e more
than a page .ide" +nd late that same summer, # .as in$ited to my first
tele$ision inter$ie." The program .as the ,oday sho., then a $ariety sho.
as mu%h as anything else" The interim host .as John Chan%ellor" Mr"
Chan%ellor had re%ently returned from his ne.sman1s post in the >remlin,
and he had agreed to a%%ept the position on %ondition that he inter$ie. only
those people he himself %hose to"
+fter the sho., in a !ar %lose !y the studio in .hi%h # found myself drin'ing
martinis at an earlier hour than e$er in my life, he handed me a pa%'et of
sti%'ers he1d had printed pri$ately" They read@ )(SS+*#+, &#FS" +nd he
%onfided he1d !een pasting these sti%'ers se%retly on the .alls of the
%orridors and in the e4e%uti$e rest rooms of the ,3C !uilding"
Then %ame Septem!er and the paper!a%' edition and .ith it, finally, an
e4pansion in popular appeal that seemed to ta'e the pu!lishers, -ell, !y
surprise, despite ela!orate promotion and distri!ution strategies" #t seemed
for a .hile that the people there %ould not fully !ring themsel$es to !elie$e
the sales figures and that they .ould ne$er %at%h up"
Paper!a%' pu!lishers print in the hundreds of thousands" 7or this, after an
initial release of K88,888 %opies, they .ent !a%' to press fi$e more times
!et.een Septem!er and the end of the year, t.i%e ea%h in (%to!er and
-e%em!er, and !y the end of 196K, there .ere ele$en printings" #n ngland,
under the auspi%es of the enterprising young editor, there Tom Mas%hler, it
.as that .ay from the start" 3estseller lists .ere ne. and rudimentary then,
!ut 'atch&@@ .as 2ui%'ly at the head of them"
7or me the history of 'atch&@@ !egins !a%' in 195K, .hen # started .riting
it" #n 195K, 1 .as employed as a %opy.riter at a small ad$ertising agen%y in
,e. )or', after t.o years as an instru%tor in nglish %omposition at
Pennsyl$ania State :ni$ersity, .hi%h .as then a %ollege" arly on, in
an4ious need of an appro$ing opinion, # sent the opening %hapter off to the
literary agents # had managed to o!tain after pu!lishing a fe. short stories
in maga0ines, in $s4uire and ,he %tlantic. The agents .ere not impressed,
!ut a young assistant there, Ms" Candida -onadio, .as, and she se%ured
permission to su!mit that %hapter to a fe. pu!li%ations that regularly
pu!lished e4%erpts from 1no$els in progress1"
#n 1955 the %hapter appeared in a paper!a%' 2uarterly, )e# !orld
!riting Nan anthology that also %ontained, under a pseudonym, an e4tra%t
from another no$el in progress = Ja%' >eroua%1s (n the 0oadO" There
%ame %omplimentary letters of interest from a fe. editors at esta!lished
!oo' pu!lishers, and # .as en%ouraged to %ontinue .ith a .or' # no. sa.
realisti%ally .as going to ta'e me a good many years longer than # at first
had guessed"
#n 195E, .hen # had a!out <E8 pages in types%ript, # .as employed
at ,ime maga0ine, .riting ad$ertising9sales presentations !y day .hen not
furti$ely putting thoughts do.n on paper for my .or' on the no$el at home
that e$ening" +nd Candida -onadio .as esta!lishing herself as a pre9
eminent agent in her o.n right, .ith a list of +meri%an authors as %lients as
impressi$e as any" ;e agreed it made sense to su!mit the partial
manus%ript to some pu!lishers, mainly to o!tain a pra%ti%al idea of the
potential for pu!li%ation of the no$el .e !oth thought so mu%h of" She .as
dra.n to.ard a ne. young editor she 'ne. of at Simon I S%huster, one
she thought might pro$e more re%epti$e to inno$ation than most" His name
.as *o!ert 6ottlie!, and she .as right"
;hile 6ottlie! !usied himself .ith those pages, #, .ith a four9.ee' summer
$a%ation from !ountiful ,ime maga0ine, !egan re.riting them" 6ottlie! and #
met for lun%h, mainly for him to gauge my temperament and as%ertain ho.
amena!le # .ould !e as an author to .or' .ith" +fter # listened to him allude
.ith ta%t to %ertain !road suggestions he thought he e$entually might !e
%ompelled to ma'e, # handed him my ne. pages .ith the !oastful response
that # had already ta'en %are of nearly all of them"
He surprised me .ith %on%ern that # might ta'e e4%eption to .or'ing .ith
someone so young = he .as t.enty9si4, # thin', and # .as thirty9four" # .as
more greatly surprised to learn from him later that !oth he and his %losest
%olleague at Simon I S%huster, ,ina 3ourne, .ere intimidated at first !y an
air of suspi%ion # pro/e%ted that # did not 'no. # e$en possessed" # ha$e not
!een suspi%ious of him sin%e, and # dou!t $ery mu%h that 6ottlie!, .ho
.ent on to !e%ome the head of +lfred +" >nopf and then the editor of ,he
)e# 5orker maga0ine, has e$er again !een intimidated !y any!ody"
+nd .hat # still remem!er most agreea!ly a!out him is that he did not as'
for an outline or on%e see' for e$en a hint of .here this one9third of a no$el
he1d seen .as going to go" The %ontra%t # re%ei$ed %alled for an ad$an%e of
fifteen hundred dollars, half on signing, .hi%h # did not need, and the
remainder on %ompletion and a%%eptan%e"
Pro!a!ly, # .as his first no$elist, !ut not his first to !e pu!lishedA other
authors .ith %ompleted manus%ripts %ame to him in the three more years #
needed to finish mine" Pro!a!ly, # .as Candida1s earliest %lient too" 3oth
.ere as delighted as # .as .ith the e$entual su%%ess of 'atch&@@, and the
three of us ha$e !een re$eling in our re%olle%tions of the e4perien%e e$er
sin%e"
(n 7e!ruary <Q, 196<, the /ournalist *i%hard Starnes pu!lished a %olumn of
unrestrained praise in his ne.spaper, ,he )e# 5ork !orld&,elegram, that
opened .ith these .ords@ 1)ossarian .ill, # thin', li$e a $ery long time"1
His tri!ute .as une4pe%ted, !e%ause Mr" Starnes .as a ne.spaperman in
the hard9!oiled mode .hose %ustomary !eat .as lo%al politi%s, and
the !orld&,elegram .as .idely regarded as generally %onser$ati$e"
To this day # am grateful to Mr" Starnes for his un2ualified and unsoli%ited
appro$al and !less him for the a%%ura%y of his predi%tion" )ossarian has
indeed li$ed a long time" Mr" Starnes has passed on" Many people
mentioned in that first ad$ertisement ha$e died, and most of the rest of us
are on the .ay"
3ut )ossarian is ali$e .hen the no$el ends" 3e%ause of the motion pi%ture,
e$en %lose readers of the no$el ha$e a final, lasting image of him at sea,
paddling to.ard freedom in a yello. inflated life!oat" #n the !oo' he doesn1t
get that farA !ut he is not %aptured and he isn1t dead" +t the end of the
su%%essor $olume #1$e /ust %ompleted,'losing ,ime Nthat fleeing %artoon
figure is again on the !oo' /a%'et of the +meri%an edition, !ut .earing a
!usinessman1s %hapeau and mo$ing .ith a %aneO, he is again still ali$e,
more than forty years older !ut definitely still there" 1$eryone has got to
go,1 his physi%ian friend in that no$el reminds him .ith emphasis"
1$eryoneB1 3ut should # e$er .rite another se2uel, he .ould still !e around
at the end"
Sooner or later, # must %on%ede, )ossarian, no. se$enty, .ill ha$e to pass
a.ay too" 3ut it .on1t !e !y my hand"
J(SPH H&&*, 199C
$ast Hampton, )e# 5ork