Michael,

Well, I cooked last night. My ability to cook is fearsome. It was very easy to
do. I turned on the stove and followed the directions on the package for hash
browns. I know what French chefs did many years ago. I imagine it went like
this:
Ahhh Again, she burns brightly !ac"ues What will we do, now#
$ierre, calm down, we%ll &ust, um, yes 'all it $otato Flamb() *ot everyone
will eat it but we can charge for the burned parts now
*ote to posterity: +ou can tell how well dinner went by the number of smoking
and,or flaming pots on the back patio. -o remember to place them on heat proof
surfaces so you don%t have to e.plain to the fire department how a potato set
the house alight.
When I said I cooked last night I should say that the potato burned fiercely. I
cooked. $erhaps you are thinking that I meant I performed the activity that /
how to put this# / 0terminates0 in a finished meal. *o. I cooked. 1tanding to
close to hot oil and fiercely burning potatoes will, in fact, cook you.
I tried to have hash browns with some easy version of 2eef 1troganoff. Well,
that%s another thing that doesn%t e.ist. I noted that 2oris ate very little
dinner, but with e.cellent reason. 3here ain%t no such thing as 0easy0 when it
comes to the 2.1. I made last night. I took the pre/cooked beef out of the
free4er, partly thawed it, and preceded to cut it into thin strips. 2oris came
into the kitchen and said the meat wasn%t done enough. I suppose he thought
that because of the ice on it. I then saut(ed the beef in butter in a small pan.
I should have used a saturnine instead of butter. It would have been far more
fun. 2etter yet, a dry white wine. After a few glasses you don%t care if it%s
well done because you are.
3hen I took the first burning pot outside and hosed it down. 2ack in the
kitchen it was almost time to hose down the beef. I managed to recover it
5another way of saying I put the flames out with the pan lid6. At this point I
saw the smoke detector was preparing to leave. I put another fry pan on the
burner 5now I understand why they are called 7burner86 and set it on for 09: to
9; minutes at a medium high heat.0 *ever do this. I started to prepare the mi.
labeled 0*oodle 1troganoff0 from a package. I added the beef I had e.tinguished
a bit earlier. I didn%t get a real good feeling from this, but I was determined
to finish dinner. It smelled funny. *ot bad, but not something you would
willingly open your mouth near. After checking the time and finding I had < to
= minutes left on the soon to be potato flamb() I decided to check it. I%ll
never understand how something can be so white on one side and absolutely black
on the other. *ote to self: >ead the package, reduce heat by 9,< on all
packages. It was time to turn me, too. I was cooked.
After moving the second flamb() to a safer area near the back of the patio I
checked on the cats passed out near the first pan due to the no.ious fumes.
?nce back inside I put a pan of water on 5it%s been years since I burned that6
and dumped cob corn in it.
I actually did burn water once. I was at 3om%s house and had brought spaghetti
sauce for the group dinner one 1aturday. I went into 3om and *ola%s kitchen and
placed a large pot of water on the stove. I went back into the dining room for
; minutes to game some more before I started the noodles. When I got back in
the flames were @ to = inches over the top of the pot. What do you use to
e.tinguish burning water#
We had corn and this stuff I later swore never to make again. -inner last night
was impressive in that it e.isted at all. We almost went out and later wished
we had.
Most of my dinners go pretty well. I really am a decent cook. I suppose that
has other meanings now, though. 3omorrow I%ll treat at 'afe Me.ico. In memory
of the last repast we%ll have 3acos Al 'arbon.
$aul