Dealing With People

You Cant Stand

How to Bring Out the Best
in People at Their Worst
Dr. Rick Brinkman
Dr. Rick Kirshchner

People arent difficult.
Their behaviors can be.

As learners and facilitators, we
want to understand this difficult
behavior
and engage
these people in
positive group
dynamics

Outline of Presentation

1. Understand theory behind bad
behaviors
2. Learn how to facilitate others
who are exhibiting bad behaviors
3. Assess and reflect on your own
bad behaviors

The Lens of Understanding:


A magnifying lens on behaviors reveals
the motives behind them

The Lens of Understanding:


Everyone responds to situations with a
different level of assertiveness:
Passive Aggressive

The Lens of Understanding:

During a time of challenge, difficulty or stress,
people move out of their comfort zone and their
level of assertiveness become exaggerated:
Passive
Aggressive
More More

The Lens of Understanding
People
Focus
Task
Focus
There are also
patterns to what
people focus
their attention
on:

The Lens of Understanding

People
Focus
Task
Focus
Challenge,
difficulty or
stress also
exaggerates this
focus:
More
More

Passive Aggressive
People
Focus
Task
Focus
Normal
Zone
The
Normal
Zone of
behaviors

What determines focus and
assertiveness?

Four general positive intents:
2. Get the task done
1. Get the task right
3. Get appreciation from people
4. Get along with people

Passive Aggressive
People
Focus
Task
Focus
Normal
Zone
Get it right Get it done
Get along
Get
appreciated
Four
positive
intents

Passive Aggressive
People
Focus
Task
Focus
Normal
Zone
Get it right Get it done
Get along
Get appreciated
Gray Zone
Threats to positive
intents cause an
exaggerated Gray
Zone of behaviors

Same priorities, No problem

A deadline is looming. Someone
you work with on a project wants
to get it done
You both focus on the
task. You are getting
it done, and your
communications are
brief and to the point.

What happens when a persons
intent is not met?

A deadline is looming. Someone you
work with on a project wants to get
it done

They fear the project won t
get done and become
more controlling
But you don t focus on
the task

Get it right

Passive Aggressive
People
Focus
Task
Focus
Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Controlling
Same priorities, No problem

Someone you know wants to get
appreciation for what hes doing
You let him know that
you recognize his
contribution with your
enthusiasm and words
of gratitude

What happens when a persons
intent is not met?

Someone you know wants to
get appreciation for what hes
doing

They fear they won t get
approval and become
more attention seeking


You don t recognize his
contribution
Get it right

Passive Aggressive
People
Focus
Task
Focus
Get it done
Get along
Get appreciated
Attention
Getting

Same priorities, No problem

You are in an argument with
another person. You want to get
along with that other person
The other person
communicates that both
of your points of view are
important. You both
listen to each other and
effectively resolve your
argument..

You don t share your
opinion but instead adopt
theirs. becomes more
approval seeking
What happens when a
persons intent is not met?
The other person strongly
pushes their own point of view
You are in an argument with
another person. You want to get
along with that other person
Get it right

Passive Aggressive
People
Focus
Task
Focus
Get it done
Get along
Get appreciated
Approval
Seeking

Same priorities, No problem

Someone you work with wants
to get it right
You focus on the task,
paying great attention
to the details, and
your reports to her are
well documented.

What happens when a persons
intent is not met?
Someone you work with wants
to get it right

She fears it will get done
wrong and becomes
more perfectionist.
You don t share that focus on
the task
Get it right

Passive Aggressive
People
Focus
Task
Focus
Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Perfectionist

The Lens of Understanding

Passive Aggressive
People
Focus
Task
Focus
Get it right Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Controlling
Attention
Getting
Approval
Seeking
Perfectionist

The Lens of Understanding

Passive Aggressive
People
Focus
Task
Focus
Get it right Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Controlling
Attention Getting
Approval Seeking
Perfectionist
???

The Lens of Understanding

Passive Aggressive
People
Focus
Task
Focus
Get it right Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Controlling
Attention Getting
Approval Seeking
Perfectionist
Sniper
Tank
Know-it-all

The Lens of Understanding

Passive Aggressive
People
Focus
Task
Focus
Get it right Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Controlling
Attention Getting
Approval Seeking
Perfectionist
???

The Lens of Understanding

Passive Aggressive
People
Focus
Task
Focus
Get it right Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Controlling
Attention Getting
Approval Seeking
Perfectionist
Grenade
Sniper
Think They
Know-it-all

The Lens of Understanding

Passive Aggressive
People
Focus
Task
Focus
Get it right Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Controlling
Attention Getting
Approval Seeking
Perfectionist
???

The Lens of Understanding

Passive Aggressive
People
Focus
Task
Focus
Get it right Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Controlling
Attention Getting
Approval Seeking
Perfectionist
Yes
Person
Maybe
Person
Nothing
Person

The Lens of Understanding

Passive Aggressive
People
Focus
Task
Focus
Get it right Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Controlling
Attention Getting
Approval Seeking
Perfectionist
???

The Lens of Understanding

Passive Aggressive
People
Focus
Task
Focus
Get it right Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Controlling
Attention Getting
Approval Seeking
Perfectionist
No
Person
Nothing
Person
Whiner

Facilitation Activity:

Group Activity Steps:

1. Blending
2. Backtracking
3. Facilitation toward a goal

Group Activity Steps:

1. Blending let the person
who is displaying a difficult
behavior know that you
understand their positive
intent

Group Activity Steps:

Backtracking share some of
the argument they made, using
their words, to let the person
know you have heard and
understood them.
(You are not saying that you
agree with them)

Group Activity Steps:

Facilitation toward a goal
using the handouts, facilitate
towards a goal using the
strategies suggestion for each
specific behavior

Group Activity Steps:

1. Blending
2. Backtracking
3. Facilitation toward a goal

Self-assessment for difficult
behaviors:

1. Which ones?
2. When?
3. Strategies for self-
management

Key Learnings:
People arent their behavior
People demonstrate patterns of behavior
People vs. task focus
Passive vs. aggressive tendencies
Balance is the key

Thank you.