Simorgh Magazine Issue 64 July 2014

WWW.SIMORGHMAGAZINE.
COM
Vol. 4 - Issue 64 - July 2014
Vincent Massey Park 12:00 PM
SUNDAY
AUGUST 3, 2014
613- 366-2278
64

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Publisher: Simorgh Publication
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Editor: Shahriar Ayoubzadeh
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!When Things Change
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Dont cry over the spilled milk

we seek water in the sea

A wise man avoids edged tools

Live and let live

Cowards die Many times Before
Their Death

It is all up with him

Dont cry over the spilled milk

Out with the old,in with the
new

High places have their prec pices
,
Nothing venture , nothing
have
,
Dont buy everything that is
cheap

Too many cooks spoil the

broth

Beauty opens locked doors

Hasty work, Double work

A wise man avoids edged tools

Live and let live

Cowards die Many times B fore Their Death

.

we seek water in the sea

What is done can not be undone

you want a thing done,do it
yourself

It is not as if the sky is falling

Jack of all trades and master of
none
,
No news is Best news
,
You see nothing, You hear not ing

Haste is from the Devil

Somthing is better than nothing

What is done can not be u done

Let bygones be bygones

It is all up with him

There is truth in wine
64
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www.alipahlavani.com
Ali Pahlavani, MBA is a financial security advisor
offering life, health, group insurance and investments.
This article is for general information purposes only
and should not be construed as insurance, investment
or tax advice. The comments made and the opinions
expressed are those of the author and rest solely with
the author himself.
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45
When Things Change!
in Future Shock, points out that

to ask a child to wait ten minutes
for a chocolate bar is the same
as asking an adult to wait up to
fourteen hours! Yet a marked sign
of maturity is a persons ability and
willingness to wait.
A C C E P T A N C E ,
UNDERSTANDING, MEANING

Therefore, when things
change, when we need to cope with
loss, and when we need to rebuild
a shattered life, we may have to
learn to wait. When we are listened
to, we also feel accepted. Feeling
accepted and feeling understood
go hand in hand. When another
accepts us and understands us, we
begin little by little to accept and
understand ourselves. We begin to
see that our lives do make sense.
There is a meaning and there is a
future. At this point, because we
experience an interior foundation
to our personhood, we begin
to envision a new and desired
state of affairs. New goals, new
projects catch our imagination.
There is energy for more active
living again. Expectation is being
fulfilled, perhaps not in exactly
the way we thought, but fulfillment
64
is on the horizon. In planning or

imagining this new and desired
state of affairs, some people want
to know it down to the last detail.
I think wanting this only invites
more frustration. While we hope
and anticipate getting closer to our
desired state of affairs, it is sufficient
to let the details fall into place in a
natural, organic and developmental
way.

When things change, part
or parts of the old self disappear.
A new disposition and attitude
is called for. There is a renewed
call from Life for new learning and
growth. At the same time, a person is
often called to endure the transition,
to undergo the change. It is in this
critical transition time that a person
often has to do nothing except wait,
which may be perhaps the hardest
thing of all to do. But if the waiting
is creative, filled with hope and
expectation, a new horizon, a new
vision of trusted meanings begins
to emerge which, for many, is more
powerful and life-giving than ever
thought possible.

Michael
E-mail: worthplace@gmail.com
Mobile: (613) 898-7733
46
64
that time heals. Life itself, as the
great instructor, unerringly guides
us to increased depths of meaning.
Another way to say this is that
Life provides many learning
opportunities for us. If we are
to attain more significant levels
of awareness and meaning in our
lives, then we must, as dynamic
individuals, be open to change,
which is to say that we must be ongoing learners of life. Some of you
may be asking, But why does Life
impose or demand such difficult
changes in my life? We often hear
the question, Why me, why me?
Theresa of Avila, the Spanish
mystic, once chided God that if
He treated His friends the way
He treated her, no wonder He
had so few of them! There is no
answer to this question of why: it
just is! As Im getting older, I like
this ambiguity more and more. A
Zen saying has it, Was it good or
bad? It all depends. At the time we
may say an experience was bad,
but later perhaps even a few
years we come to see that it was
the best thing that ever happened
to us. People with a more formal
religious philosophy of life will
say that this or that is Gods will,
or that God is testing us! Be that as
it may, I find it more helpful to see
Life in a more organic, develop
mental way.

As we get older, most of us
realize that we dont ask Life most
of the questions any more; Life
asks us the questions instead. I
feel it is important that I have some
kind of personal response which
47
When Things Change!
means that I have attained some sense of identity and self-possession.

Not to know who one is is perhaps the most intense pain in a time of loss.
We all think we have a sense of ourselves, or that we know who we are.
I think it is safe to say that many of us are more or less unconscious.
Lifes task, it seems to me, is to lead us progressively into greater
consciousness. Maturity is the decision we make in relation to the
events, situations and people in our lives. I think it repulsive to say that
Life or God deliberately sets out to make things difficult for us. There is
a natural flow of events in our lives: birth, growth, decline, death.
Life respects that flow. Our task is to develop an interior life built
on solid emotional, physical and spiritual foundations. It must be
very difficult for the person who has not developed and nurtured much
of an inner foundation to cope during times of trial, loss or change.
I believe that Life wants us to develop this inner foundation. Perhaps
now in this moment of change or crisis, the person, for the first time, has a
chance, or is forced into, the interior life.
WAITING IN SOLITUDE

On this personal level, therefore, during times of change or loss,
Life indicates to us a more or less major learning situation: the present
state of affairs no longer exists, is no longer necessary or satisfactory, and
we must move to, or envision, a new and desired state of affairs. Many
of us will need help for this. Here is where a meaningful support system
(i.e., friend, minister, rabbi, priest, iman, etc.) can be invaluable. I find
it helpful also to take time by myself . Silence speaks very forcefully, and
while silence confronts, silence also heals. Silence is so accurate! We are
healed in solitude and aloneness because, little by little, we come to realize
that we are indeed supported by Life. Life is not out to screw us around
an expression we often hear. The early Jewish rabbi, Hillel, remarked,
If I am not for myself, who is for me? But if I am for myself alone, what
am I? And if not now, when? In other words, if we dont trust that
somehow Life is for us, that we need to develop our talents and grow as
human beings, then we have made the process of living most difficult for
ourselves. For many, in a time of loss, when things change, there will be
a period of waiting, but it shouldnt be a hopeless waiting, as in Samuel
Beckets play, Waiting for Godot. The waiting I am talking about is the
opposite of despair; it believes in a future, hopes creatively, and expects that
insight, awareness and clarity will occur. In this time of creative waiting, the
person also prepares him/herself for good things to occur. Preparation
includes taking care of ones body, soul and spirit. Creative waiting
indicates that a person is grounded in reality with enough sense of
identity and purpose within his/her philosophy of living to allow for this
period of expectation. I realize that children find it exceedingly difficult to
wait and so must little by little be taught the value of waiting. Alvin Toffler,
64

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64
the grief. Dramatic loss involves
dramatic grief, and dramatic
grief involves dramatic pain.
When the grief is acute people
will experience acute waves of
distress, a tightness of the throat, a
shortness of breath, and a general
overall feeling of disorientation. I
know that happened for me when
my daughter, Siobhn, died from
ALS on Sunday, January 12, 2014,
at 4:30 am. I was breathless and
physically and emotionally in a
freeze, in spite of the fact that I
knew she did not have too much
longer to live possibly a few
months. The suddenness of her
departure was breath-taking
literally; my breath was pulled
away from me when I first got the
news!

Just as trusted meanings
or what I call grippings
have grown over time, so now,
after a death or loss of trusted
meanings, a new set of meanings
has to emerge; these new meanings
will also take time. The grief and
pain are at their highest in that area
where the past is no more or makes
no sense and the future which
is not envisioned, experienced,
or here yet. New links and new
bridges need to be made. The links
from the past have been severed
and the bridges to the future are not
yet established. One is in a limbo
situation. At this point we trust
that the person who undergoes
this transition will move out of the
limbo position to a new sense of
who they are. Many of us can recall
what this feeling is like when our
49
When Things Change!
hopes have been dashed because

something that we wanted cannot
be, or a relationship that we bank
on brakes down or is shattered.
We are left to our own resources.
If we have only lived for that other
person or event or situation over
the years, and have not done good
things for ourselves what I call
being creatively selfish we will
usually experience enormous pain.
Our personal resources will not
be available because they will not
have been developed and nurtured.
We will really be lost at this point.
LEARNING AND CHANGE

What do we do when things
change? How do we cope when
there is a loss of trusted meanings?
How do we rebuild our world when it
becomes shattered? Each of us can
relate to these types of questions
because each of us at least once
in life has had an experience that
created a loss in us, and there was
grief. This is true so much so that
if we stop and reflect on our lives,
we can all truthfully admit to times
of disappointment, times when what
we had hoped for did not materialize.
Of course, we experience loss each
and every day, from small matters
to possibly large matters. Ironically,
frustration seems to be a critical
part in the learning process. In a
simple diagram below, we can see
that learning involves moving from
one state of affairs (i.e., my present
situation) to a new or desired state of
affairs (the goal or hope I have in
mind).
What I have called the

Discrepancy is the distance,
the time, the perceived difficulty,
effort, and willingness involved
in going from the pres ent to the
desired state. If this Discrepancy
Distance is too great, i.e., too
frustrating, the person gives up
and does not try any more. In a
learning situation, the instructor
helps gauge this Discrepancy
Distance so that there will be
sufficient motivation on the part
of the learner to get involved and
yet, not an overwhelming amount
of frustration such that the learner
gives up. A wise instructor does
it just right!
INNER FOUNDATIONS

But what happens when a
new state of affairs is imposed on
us, or, because of a change or loss
in our lives, we dont even know or
care about a new state of affairs?
Because significant loss involves
disorientation, people naturally
experience goallessness. We
should also acknowledge the fact
that some goals are easier to
articulate than others. Acute
grief and pain occur when the new
goal involves issues of personal
meaning. How does one sit
down after a significant change
or loss and say, This is how I am
going to experience more personal
meaning in my life now? Issues
of meaning are issues of the heart
and soul for each of us. Loss occurs
in time; I also believe, however,
When Things Change!
WHEN THINGS CHANGE!

Learning and Change
Dr. Michael Rock
Licensed Emotional Intelligence Facilitator
Professor (Adjunct, ret.), Ethics and Leadership
University of Guelph, Ontario
Simorgh Magazine, July 2014
Have you ever gone back to visit a place or a person

and realized the old memories were really old? What
you had remembered about that person or place had
changed somehow. Perhaps there werent too many
exterior changes, but you just had this feeling that
things would never be the same again. You experi
enced a sense of nostalgia, maybe even sadness. The
landmarks had vanished. Life, indeed, had moved
on for you. Either you had changed or the situation/
person had changed. All you know is that at this
moment things are not the same as they used to be.
Your purpose in being with this person or in this
situation no longer holds attention for you. You dont
have energy going for you in that direction any more.
Decision time is upon you.
LOSS OF TRUSTED MEANINGS

When our present expectations do not measure
up to our trust and images of past experiences, we have
what sociologists call a failure of trusted meanings.
64
The anchors we used to have in a situation or with

a person are no longer there. Trusted meanings could
be shared experiences from the past, old memories,
places, perceptions remembered of what took place,
words spoken and feelings shared. Whether we
realize it or not, over the years we do build up trusted
meanings, or significant anchors, for ourselves. Over
time there develops in each of us what could be called
our personal world. From our experiences we build
a sense of meaning for this world. This sense of
meaning will have its depth or impact on us depending
upon how significant a person, event or situation is to
us.

When I first encountered the phrase, a failure
of trusted meanings, sociologists were using it in
relation to widows and widowers and their experiences
within the first year of widowhood. Through the death
of a spouse, a person definitely experiences a sense of
loss which often then creates sorrow and disorientation
for the widowed spouse. When a spouse dies, a partner
loses a major part of their lives; they also lose the
meanings and the assumptions they had created as
well call it their personal world. In such a time of
disorientation, questions which had been answered
more or less satisfactorily come to the surface: Who
am I now that my spouse is dead? What are my new
responsibilities? What about my future? What is the
purpose of my life now? The widowed spouse has to
gain a new sense of self-understanding. The structure
or personal world that the person had up until now is
gone, at least in relation to this significant other. If
the person has limited their vision of life within the
confines of the world of this significant other, when
the other is gone, dead, there is a major loss. The
meanings and understandings that the spouse held are
now shattered. It is a time of grief.
NEW LINKS, NEW BRIDGES

I have used the widow/widower metaphor
because it points up the fact that when things
change, there is often a death of some sort. The more
significant the change, the more dramatic the loss
of trusted meanings, and hence, the more dramatic
50
64
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AUGUST 3, 2014

Simorgh Magazine Issue 64 July 2014

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WWW.SIMORGHMAGAZINE.

Vol. 4 - Issue 64 - July 2014

Vincent Massey Park 12:00 PM

!When Things Change

(structural analysis and balancing)

(a branch of Osteopathic manipulation, very gentle)

Conditions commonly addressed:

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Too many cooks spoil the

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185 Somerset Street West Suite 305

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Food Provided by Shaliz Catering

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tel: (613) 261-1356

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When Things Change!

in Future Shock, points out that

is on the horizon. In planning or

When Things Change!

means that I have attained some sense of identity and self-possession.

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When Things Change!

hopes have been dashed because

What I have called the

When Things Change!

WHEN THINGS CHANGE!

Have you ever gone back to visit a place or a person

The anchors we used to have in a situation or with

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