Second Wind

by Mickey S.








Other Free Stories at:
http://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/

Chapter One
Ben
I left the lawyers office after signing away my life and drove to
Florham Park. I pulled into the driveway of the three-bedroom ranch house
that now owned me. Yeah, Id just bought the house but for the next twenty
years on the first of every month it was going to remind me that I was the
one who was owned.
I parked in the driveway, opened the back door and hooked Lula up to
her leash, then we just stood there and stared at the house. It was more space
than I needed and my friends had urged me to buy a townhouse instead but
Im more of a house person. Besides, condos had so many restrictions on
pets, even a quiet little beagle like Lula. And as expensive as the house was,
I could afford it. Not that I made tons of money, but Id spent ten years
saving up, not with this in mind exactly, but I still had a good down
payment.
My name is Ben Donnelly. Im 32 years old. Ive worked as an
accountant for a large firm in Livingston since graduating from Montclair
State ten years ago. I love my job and it is the main reason I bought this
house. Ive only got a three-mile commute. Yeah, its an expensive area to
live in but I had a little help with the down payment. My parents divorced
when I was ten and Im an only child, so theyve made a lifestyle out of
competing for my love. They seem to think that I cant possibly love both of
them. Actually, I do, though I find it hard to like either of them a lot of the
time. Dad is a dermatologist with a Park Avenue practice and lives in the
city with his new wife, Lori, who is three years younger than me. Mom is an
interior designer and is married to Sam, the CFO of a small pharmaceutical
company. They live in an overstated mansion in Short Hills, which is where
Id been staying for a few months since I moved out of Pauls house.
Anyway, they each kicked in quite a bit when I told them I wanted to buy a
place of my own. And since Paul had made so much more than me I had
been saving a good chunk of my earnings for years, so I wound up with a
fifty percent down payment. Life sucks sometimes, you know?
Im not really the spoiled brat that makes me sound like. I know Ive
been very fortunate in my life, financially anyhow. And I know my parents
love me, though most of the time they each seem to love themselves a lot
more. In one area Im pretty lucky with Mother (she wants me to call her
Gale so I insist on calling her Mother) and Dad. Neither one had a problem
when I told them I was gay. I thought at the least theyd be upset over never
having grandchildren but Mother insists that shell never be old enough to
be a grandmother and I think Dad is thinking about starting a new family
with Lori.
Lets go take a look at your new home, girl. Last one, I promise.
I let us in, tuned Lula loose and wandered around the empty house.
Formal living room and dining room, eat-in kitchen with a counter
separating it from a family room, and the bedrooms and two baths down the
hall. It really was a nice place although it would be a lot nicer with furniture
and stuff. Empty, it was a little spooky. I stopped in the master bedroom in
front of the mirror-covered closet doors and stared at the reflection. J ust me
and a big empty room. Without any warning there were tears running down
my face. I backed away from the mirror and bumped into the wall opposite
it and then slid down until I was sitting on the floor. I put my head in my
hands and lost it, lost all of the control Id been maintaining since that
horrible day in April.
Fuck! This was supposed to be a happy day, a fresh new start. And all I
could do was think about that Monday when my life ground to a halt. It
hadnt been a bad day for a Monday. Tax season had ended the week before
and we were all taking it easy for the first time in months. Id spent quite a
bit of the day thinking about the party I wanted. We hadnt talked about it
much, but Paul and I had agreed months before that ten years together
deserved a celebration and our anniversary was coming up in J une. Monday
was my bowling night so I didnt see Paul after work. Id joined a gay
league the previous fall and since we werent able to eat together anyway,
after a while Paul had started working late and grabbing a bite to eat on his
way home on Mondays. It was after eleven when I got in from bowling and
his car still wasnt in the garage. That was unusual. The light on the
answering machine was blinking in the dark kitchen when I walked in. I hit
the button.
Hey, babe, its me. I just wanted to let you know that Im okay but I
wont be home tonight. Ill call you tomorrow.
That was it. Nothing more. Wont be home? What the hell was he
talking about? Where was he? In nearly ten years together hed been home
every night. I didnt sleep much that night, tossing and turning alone in our
king-size bed. I dragged myself into work the next morning. By the time he
called at ten I was totally stressed out but since I shared an office with three
other guys I tried to act cool.
So whats up, Paul? Where are you?
Right now Im at work. He paused a few seconds and seemed hesitant
when he went on. It was so unlike him. I need some time to think, Ben.
Think? About what? Another long pause.
Ive met someone. I have to decide what Im going to do.
I felt like Id been punched in the stomach. My hands started to shake
and I was having trouble breathing.
Look, Ben, this isnt a good time to talk. Ill call you in a couple of
days. Like I said, I need time to think. Ill stop by the house for a few things
this afternoon before you get home. Dont worry about me, Ill be okay. As
if worrying about him would be foremost in my mind after the bombshell
hed just dropped.
He hung up. Two days went by with no word from him. Every time I
called his office he was with a client. Every time I called his cell phone it
went right to voice mail. He finally called me at work Friday morning and
suggested we meet for lunch.
He always looked so good in his tailor-made suits but when I looked at
his face I could tell that this wasnt going to be good. He waited until we had
ordered and the waitress had brought our drinks to tell me.
Its just not working for us, Ben. I cant do this anymore.
What do you mean, not working? Its working for me. You havent
said anything about being unhappy.
Maybe unhappy is too strong a word but I havent been happy. Weve
just been going through the motions for so long with nothing behind them.
Nothing behind them? I love you and I thought you loved me. I just
dont know what youre talking about. Ive been happy and Ive tried to
make you happy. Ive tried to be just what you wanted me to be and Ive
done everything you ever asked.
I know, Ben. Youve been good to me. But I need something more.
Like this guy youve met? Who is he, anyway? Whered he come
from?
I represented him in an auto accident case last fall. When I got a good
settlement for him, he took me out for a drink to celebrate. One thing led to
another.
Oh God, this couldnt be happening. I looked around the restaurant,
wondering why no one else was dying.
How long have you been seeing him? How could you be seeing him?
Were together all the time. I still couldnt believe this was real.
Its been a few of months. We have lunch a couple of times a week and
have been spending time together Monday evenings.
Whats he got that I havent? God, I sounded like an old clich.
I cant put my finger on it but hes exciting. He challenges me,
surprises me. Hes fun. We havent been fun in ages, Ben.
Fun. You want to throw out ten good years for a little fun?
I dont want to argue, Ben. And I really dont want to hurt you but
theres no other way. I think in the long run youll see this is best for both of
us.
And that was that. Except for one final slap, adding insult to injury.
I hate to do this, Ben, but Im going to have to ask you to move out as
soon as possible. It is my house, you know. Im staying at the Hilton and
thats getting pretty expensive.
The Hilton? Youre not staying at his place? Maybe there was hope.
Paul looked uncomfortable again. He, uh, still lives with his parents.
Shit! Youre dumping me for a kid?
Hes not a kid. Hes twenty-two.
Oh, pardon me. Half your age. Thats all grown up.
There was no way I could sit there any longer. I started to get up to
leave.
Dont go, Ben. The food will be here in a minute. We have to talk
about this.
Im not hungry and theres not much left to talk about, is there? Dont
worry; Ill be out of the house tomorrow. And Im taking Lula. You never
wanted her anyway.
My trip down misery lane was interrupted by the doorbell. I got up off
the floor, dried my tears with my shirtsleeves and headed out to the living
room. I opened the door to my best friend, Becky, who was standing there
holding an African violet. She pushed her way into the house and went into
the kitchen. After watering the plant she put it on the counter and looked at
me.
Youve been crying again, havent you?
J ust a little. Tears of happiness, I swear.
Yeah, right. Youve got to get over that fuckin bastard. Hes not
worth your tears.
I dont want to talk about him, Beck.
Believe me, neither do I. So when is the furniture coming?
The bedroom stuff should be here any minute. The rest is being
delivered sometime over the next week. Im not really sure. Mother is
taking care of all of that.
Are you sure youre gay? What kind of stereotype are you, letting your
straight mother decorate your house?
Shes a professional, Becky. Besides, you know I have no taste. Look
at my love life.
Ill agree with you there, though I havent met most of your recent
tricks.
One night stands dont count. Theyre just distractions.
I never would have known you had a slut hiding inside you, Ben. For
years there was only Paul. In the past three months how many have there
been?
Ten? Twelve?
Probably more like twenty, but whos counting? They dont matter
anyway. Its not really the sex. Its just that sometimes I need someone to
hold me, to be with me.
Yeah, so you go out and get drunk, go home with a stranger, roll over
and get plowed for a few minutes. That makes you feel better?
When she got like this I had to keep reminding myself that her candor
had been one of the things I had originally found refreshing in her.
In the long run, no, but at least Im not alone for a little while. I do feel
better for a little bit, anyway.
Youd feel better for longer if you found someone to date, someone
who was more than just a fuck.
Yeah, but a fuck is easier to find. Besides, Im not ready for any kind
of relationship, even casual dating. I dont know if Ill ever be able to open
myself to that kind of hurt again.
Youve got to try, Ben. Whoring around just isnt you and isnt going
to make you happy.
Maybe not, Beck, but its all I can handle right now.
*****
Joey
I woke up and squinted at the clock next to the bed. Ten to seven. I
flipped the alarm switch to off. I dont know why I set the damn thing; I
never slept long enough for it to go off. I lay on my back and stared at the
ceiling. Another day just like all the others. Nothing ever changes. Not that
life is all bad; there are actually some good things in it and one wonderful
thing. J ust thinking of Connor made me smile. He always does. Hes the
reason I get up and go through the motions every day.
I heard a little giggle, almost a gurgle, across the room. He must have
heard me thinking about him. I got up, walked over to the crib and looked
down at the most beautiful boy in the world. He gave me a big smile and
stretched both of his arms up toward me. I reached down and swept him up
in my arms and carried him back to the bed and lay down on my back,
hugging him to my bare chest.
Good morning, love. How are you this beautiful day?
Connor giggled again and grabbed at me, like he was trying to hug me. I
held him, rubbing him lightly, humming to him. This was my favorite part
of the day, lying here with my son, absorbing all of his love. He gave me
strength, he gave me the will to get up and go on every day. I didnt know
what Id do without him.
I lifted my head until my chin was on my chest and looked at him. He
looked up into my eyes. He took after me so much with my dark Italian
coloring, all but his eyes. He had J ennys bright blue eyes. There must have
been a recessive blue gene hanging out in me though youd never know it
looking at my family.
J ust thinking about J enny brought me down again. Ill never get over
her, never move on. Her family had lived across the street and we grew up
together. My brothers and sister were so much older than me and she was an
only child so we were the only kids our age on the block. Growing up she
was quite a tomboy and we were buddies, best friends. When we got to high
school our hanging out together just naturally turned into dating. Everyone
assumed wed get married and once I got my associates degree from County
College we did. After a few years and a couple of miscarriages, she got
pregnant with Connor and this time it seemed to work. Neither of us had
ever been so happy.
Her blood pressure had gone up toward the end of the pregnancy and
she was always complaining of headaches, but nothing major. The delivery
had seemed to go all right. Connor was perfectly healthy and she held him a
minute while I cut the umbilical cord. A nurse had just taken him to clean
him up when J enny went into convulsions. Eclampsia, I was told later. I
dont know any medical terms and I wish Id never heard of that one. It was
horrible, the doctor and nurses rushing around, pushing me out of the way. I
was so helpless while they worked on her. It only lasted a few minutes, but
when the seizures ended, she was unconscious, in a coma. She never came
out of it. A week later, her kidneys and liver began to fail and she slipped
away. It happened so fast. I was devastated. Id lost my best friend, the only
girl Id ever loved.
Oh, Connor, I whispered as I felt a tear run down the side of my face,
what am I gonna do? What are we gonna do?
J ust then the door opened and Mom walked in.
You could at least knock, Ma. She never did and I knew she wasnt
ever going to.
And risk waking the baby? You know you shouldnt have him in bed
with you when youre naked.
Im not naked. Ive got my boxers on. Besides, I read its good for
babies to have skin to skin contact.
Ive raised five kids and youve got to read a book to find out whats
good for babies? J ust ask me, Ill tell you.
Youll tell me even if I dont ask, I murmured.
I heard that, wise guy. Youve got five minutes to get downstairs or Ill
throw out your breakfast. She turned and walked out, leaving the door
open. I got up, put Connor back in the crib and pulled yesterdays tee shirt
over my head. I went across the hall to the bathroom, peed, hurriedly
brushed my teeth and splashed some cold water on my face. No way was
she going to throw away food but there was no point in crossing her.
I checked Connors diaper before I carried him down to the kitchen. Id
just changed him when I was up around five but you can never tell. Mom
had bacon, eggs, toast, OJ and coffee on the table and Connors cereal on
the tray of his high chair. It had been nearly a year since Connor and I had
moved home and I kept telling Mom she didnt have to do this every
morning but it was like talking to a wall. She was born to feed her family
and she was very good at it.
Wheres Pop? Dont tell me hes sleeping in.
You know better than that. He went to the nursery early today. J ohn
wanted to talk to him before he started.
Pop owns Ridgedale Nursery and the whole family works there. I guess
I should introduce all of them. It all started with Tony and Rose Napoli, Pop
and Mom, both 66 now. My brothers Anthony, 45, and Vinnie, 39, manage
the nursery. My brother J ohn, 43, and brother-in-law Sal run a landscaping
business connected to the nursery. Sal is married to my sister, Donna Marie,
42. My brothers are all married to nice Italian women and everyone lives
here in Madison within walking distance of Mom and Pops house. Between
them all Ive got 15 nieces and nephews, ranging in age from 5 to 22.When
the whole family gets together its a madhouse. Fortunately, that only
happens once a week, twice at most.
And me? Im J oe, 26, the baby of the family, the mistake. Mom insists
on calling me an afterthought but I dont know that any thought really went
into it. Of course, I work at the nursery, too. I do landscape design, run the
computer and generally help out with whatever needs to be done.
Mom poured me a second cup of coffee while I made a futile attempt to
get more cereal in Connors mouth than on his bib. Mom cleaned up the
counter a bit and then leaned back against it.
I ran into Angie Carrino at the A&P yesterday.
Oh yeah? I thought she was living on Long Island with some guy.
They broke up and she moved back with her parents. Shes looking
pretty good.
And your point is? I think I can see where youre going with this.
Im just saying that you two always got along in high school. Shes a
nice Italian girl and single. Youre a nice Italian boy and single. Would it
hurt to call her?
Ma, Im just not ready to date. Its too soon. Leave me alone, okay?
Mom came over and hugged my head to her ample bosom and ran her
fingers through my hair.
I know how much you loved J enny, son. We all loved her. She was a
part of this family her whole life. But its been a year now. Youve got to get
on with your life. Think about Connor. He needs a mother.
He had a mother, Ma, and now hes got me. And youre doing a pretty
good job taking care of him, loving him and spoiling him. I dont think hes
missing out on anything.
Im an old lady. Im not going to live forever, you know.
Is that a promise?
Oh, I give up, for now anyway. Go get ready for work. Ill clean up the
baby.

Chapter Two
Joey
As important as food is to Italians, lunch is usually pretty much of an
informal thing at the nursery. We order from a local deli but rarely do any of
us eat together. The business is open and theres always work to do.
Anthony and Vinnie usually eat their sandwiches while working in one of
the greenhouses. Pop eats up front by the checkout but now and then comes
back to the office. Im usually working in the office so thats where I eat.
One day Pop brought his lunch back to the office and joined me. He and
I never seemed to have much to say to each other. Its not that we didnt get
along. Actually, it was probably because we were too similar. We were both
quiet, introspective types. My brothers were outgoing, almost to the point of
being rowdy. They were able to draw Pop out and he was one of the guys
when he was around them. I was more outgoing when I was with them as
well but put me and Pop together alone in a room and you got a lot of
silence. When he ate in the office it was usually because he had paperwork
to do, not because he wanted my company, so he surprised me by talking.
How are you doing, J oe? Everything all right?
Im pretty good, Pop. Cant complain. Like I said, we didnt open up
to each other.
Your mother says shes been running into Angie Carrino around town
all summer. Have you seen her?
J eez, not you too, Pop. I expect meddling from Mom, but not you. I
told Mom Im not ready to start dating.
I dont mean to meddle, son. I just dont like to see you so unhappy.
Im not unhappy, Pop. Well, okay, I am, but its not so bad. Im getting
by.
I know its hard, J oe. Maybe you dont want to date. Thats okay, I
understand. But youve got to get out more. Weve got a huge wonderful
family, but you need more than that in your life.
I do get out, Pop. Im joining the bowling league with the guys in the
fall.
Bowling with your brothers isnt exactly what I meant but its a start, I
guess. I know how much you loved J enny and what a tragedy it was. I guess
I just want you to know that I love you and want you to be happy.
I couldnt remember the last time hed told me he loved me. I actually
got a little choked up.
Thanks, Pop. I love you, too.
And that was the end of our magic moment. Like I said, Pop and I didnt
talk much. We finished our lunch in silence and Pop went back out front. I
sat and thought about my life for a bit after he left. It was true that I didnt
have any interest in trying to date. Only part of that was my memory of
J enny. Yeah, I would always love her but I knew that she would want me to
be happy, to move on. The problem was, what was I to move on to? Aside
from J enny, Id never really wanted to be with anyone in my life. I had
never had the kind of attractions and desires most guys seemed to have.
When other guys pointed out girls they thought were hot, I understood that
they were beautiful or sexy, but I didnt actually feel anything. I hadnt
really felt anything for J enny except love, until we started making love, that
is. Then I realized how great sex could be. Now and then in high school in
the locker room Id felt a vague physical attraction for one of the guys, but
that confused me more than anything else. The only clear strong feeling Id
ever had was for J enny. Aside from her, Id always accepted the fact that I
was pretty much asexual. Now I always would be.
*****
Ben
The alarm went off and I instinctively reached over and slammed my
fist down on the snooze button. In doing so I glanced at the time. Fuck! How
many times must I have hit that button already? I jumped out of bed and
shivered as the cool air hit my naked body. I threw my robe on and ran down
the hall to the kitchen, pressed the button on the coffeemaker to get it
started, then went back for my shower. The hot water felt so good as it ran
down my body. I wished I could stay in the shower all day but unfortunately
I was running late. I quickly washed my hair and scrubbed my body, then
shut off the water and grabbed a towel as the cool morning air hit me again,
making me shiver. I wrapped up in my robe and went to the kitchen for
some coffee to warm me up. I put a couple of Pop-Tarts in the toaster,
poured a mug of coffee and looked at the clock. Deciding that I was going
be late no matter what so there was no point in hurrying. I picked up the
phone and called the office, telling them Id be there when I got there. When
the toaster was done cooking my breakfast, I sat on a stool at the counter and
nibbled on the Pop-Tarts, sipping my coffee.
Lula came wandering down the hall from the bedroom, stopped to make
sure I hadnt put anything good in her bowl and then went over and
scratched on the back door. I grabbed her leash, hooked her up and went out
with her. While she was sniffing around for the perfect spot to do her
business, I looked around the yard. The grass was getting unmanageably
high. What happened to that landscaper I called? When we went back inside
I looked through the drawer for the slip of paper my neighbor had given me
a few weeks earlier, right after I moved it. After pouring a second cup of
coffee, I called the number.
Ridgedale Nursery. This is J oey. How may I help you?
God, so cheerful so early in the morning. What was wrong with him?
Hi, this is Ben Donnelly on Roosevelt Avenue in Florham Park. I
called a few weeks ago to arrange to have my lawn taken care of but no one
ever showed up. The grass is getting really tall and I was wondering if youd
be coming by any time soon.
Hang on a sec, let me look you up in the computer. He started
humming some vaguely familiar tune and I heard him typing in the
background. Gotcha! Hmm, it looks like Sal put all your information in the
system but somehow you didnt get on the schedule. Tell you what, Ill send
someone over at the end of the day since you say the grass is pretty high and
then Ill make sure youre on the regular rotation from now on.
Thanks, I guess I should have called earlier. The guy I talked to before
said someone would be out within a week.
They should have been. Sorry for the slip-up. Anything else I can do
for you?
My dick had started responding to his warm friendly voice and a few
ideas of what he could do for me popped into my head but I behaved.
No, nothing right now, but thanks.
Okay, but if you think of anything you need, just give us a call or stop
by the nursery.
I finished up my coffee and went into the bedroom to get ready for
work. I slipped the robe off and looked at myself in the mirror. Not bad for
32, but not great, either. Light reddish-brown hair, a little longer than was
fashionable, green eyes, small nose and mouth. At least the freckles that had
plagued me all though high school had finally almost all faded away. Slim,
smooth body, not out of shape but not defined either. A few months in the
gym could change that. Of course, Id have to join a gym first. On the short
side, 59, 145 pounds. Average circumcised dick but nice big balls. I
turned a bit. Ah, there it was, my best feature, a nice little bubble butt. Now
if only I could find someone to properly appreciate it.
I hadnt seen much action since moving into the house a month before.
Part of it was Beckys admonition not to be such a tramp. Part of it was
self-control. I was afraid that now that I had my own place I really would
become a slut. I didnt want any kind of new relationship but I didnt want
to install a revolving door on my bedroom either. The solace each trick
brought me lasted such a short time it would be easy to keep going back for
more so it was best not to go down that road any more often than necessary.
When I got home from work the landscapers truck was out in front of
the house. Beckys car was in the driveway. I found her in the rec room in
the back of the house, martini glass in hand.
Hey, Beck, hows it going? I kissed her on the cheek.
Getting better. She gestured with her glass. The pitchers in the
kitchen. Pour yourself a drink and come watch the show with me.
I got a drink and rejoined her. She was looking out the window at a
half-naked guy trimming around the patio with a weed whacker. He was
shirtless and wearing cutoffs and work boots. He looked to be in his early
forties and was tall, beefy, somewhat hairy and very Italian-looking.
Nice of you to provide entertainment for me, Ben. Hes just my type.
Yours too, pretty much.
Well, the age, height and body are right up my alley, but you know I
have a thing for blonds.
Yeah, like your Aryan asshole lawyer, Paul.
I told you, Beck, that name is not permitted in this house. But yeah, he
sure was my type, except for the asshole part.
So why dont you take care of the yard yourself, Ben? It doesnt look
that hard, even for you.
I held out my hands. Do these hands look like they do manual labor?
Besides, you know what I always say, if you want something done
right, pay someone to do it. Seriously, I probably could handle it, but I dont
have a lawnmower or any other tools. Its just easier this way. I finished
my drink. Id better go out and introduce myself. Ill be right back.
You think youre going out there to talk to that stud without me? No
way.
Becky followed me out onto the patio. When the guy saw us he turned
off the trimmer and came toward us.
Hi, Im Sal DAnnunzio. I talked to you on the phone a few weeks
ago.
I introduced myself and Becky, who practically threw her tits in his
face.
Im sorry I screwed up your order. Im not used to that damned
computer yet. Weve got it all straightened out now so well be around
every week from now on.
Thats great. I looked around. The lawn looks really good. Thanks.
Well keep it looking good for you. Anything else you want, just let
me know.
Ill probably do that. I just bought the place and it needs some work.
The bushes out front look like theyre dying but I dont really know what I
want to do about them yet.
Well, if you need advice, just call my brother-in-law, J oey. He does all
our design work. You talked to him this morning.
Maybe I will. Say, do you guys do fences?
What do you mean?
Well, Ive got a dog and I was thinking of having the backyard fenced
in. Do you do that sort of thing?
Well, we dont sell them but we work with a fence company. If you
buy something from them we can install it. Stop by the nursery sometime
and take a look at the catalogue.
I will. Thanks.
Becky and I went back in the house and poured ourselves another round
of drinks.
Dont tell me you didnt think he was hot, even with dark hair.
Hes okay, Beck. He seems like a nice guy, too.
Well, dont get your hopes up. I saw the way he was looking me over.
Im pretty sure he plays for my team.
Oh, Im sure he does. You obviously didnt notice his wedding ring.
Her face fell.
I guess well both have to keep looking.
*****
Joey
We were having one of our usual summer Sunday cookouts at the
house. Sometimes one of my brothers hosted it but Mom preferred it to be
where she was in control. She and the other women were in the kitchen
getting all of the food ready. Pop was at the grill, about to start cooking the
meat. The kids were all over the place. My brothers and older nephews were
playing basketball in the driveway. I was being lazy, lying in a hammock in
the shade, holding Connor on my stomach, watching everyone.
I sometimes thought that Mom and Pops genes had started losing
strength by the time I was conceived. My brothers were all over six feet tall
and big, really built guys. I was only 58 and on the small side. I had plenty
of muscle but I still wasnt big. Also, they all had thick hair on their chests
and stomachs and I had none. Aside from a dusting on my arms and legs and
a barely noticeable black trail from my navel down to my pubes, I was
smooth. The guy in the basketball game I looked most like was my fifteen
year-old nephew, J ames.
Mom and Donna Marie started bringing trays of food out to the patio
and I was about to get up to help when I saw her coming around the corner
of the house, carrying a large casserole dish-Angie Carrino. Shit! Mom had
to be behind this. She just wouldnt take no for an answer. I decided to just
ignore Angie and act like I had no idea why she was there. I closed my eyes
and pretended to be napping.
It didnt work. A few minutes later I sensed the presence of someone
nearby and opened my eyes. Angie was standing a few feet away, holding a
glass of wine, staring at me and Connor.
Hey J oey, how ya doin?
Pretty good, Angie, you?
Not bad. Hes adorable, J oey. He looks just like you.
Hes a pretty good mix of J enny and me, I think. Youll see that when
he wakes up and you get a look at his eyes. J ust then, as if on cue, Connor
started to stretch and wiggle on me. He opened his eyes, looked at Angie
and let out a little cry.
Oh, I think I startled him. Maybe he doesnt like strangers.
Actually, with this family hes pretty used to being around lots of
people. I think its something else. I felt his bottom. Yep, time to change
his diaper. If youll excuse me...
I was silently thanking Connor for giving me an excuse to get away
from Angie when she spoke up.
No problem. Ill come with you. Maybe I can help.
I got up and carried Connor into the house with Angie following close
behind. I noticed Mom watching us, nodding her head and smiling. I glared
at her. I took Connor up to my room and laid him on the bed. After
undressing him, removing his pampers and cleaning him, I got him all
powdered up before starting to put his clothes back together. Angie sat on
the edge of the bed and watched, sipping her wine.
Damn, are all baby boys that well hung or is this something genetic? I
looked up at her and she winked at me.
I really couldnt say, Angie. All of my nephews looked pretty much
the same, though they are obviously all connected genetically. I ignored
her innuendo and concentrated on getting Connor dressed again. So how
are your parents?
Okay, I guess. Theyre happy Im home. They never did like Ethan. He
wasnt Italian, you know.
I picked up Connor and took him back downstairs. As soon as we
stepped outside Anthonys wife Gina grabbed Connor from me.
Let me take that beautiful boy for a while, J oey. Why dont you and
Angie get some food and talk? The whole family was apparently in on the
conspiracy.
Angie and I each filled plates with food and found two chairs together. I
picked at my food in silence while she talked, mostly about this guy Ethan
and why they broke up. I wasnt really paying attention. All of a sudden, I
realized she wasnt talking any more. I looked up from my plate.
Whats the matter, J oey? Are you mad at me or something? Youre not
usually like this, all quiet and distant.
Im sorry, Angie. Its not you. Its just that Mom has been pushing me
to start dating recently and Im just not ready for that. Shes mentioned your
name a few times and when I didnt pick up on her hints I guess she took it
on herself to invite you today. Im a little annoyed with her but thats no
excuse for being rude to you. Im sorry.
Angie looked me in the eyes for a minute and gave me a bit of a sad
smile.
I understand, J oey. I know how special what you and J enny had was.
And I know how Italian parents can be. Im not exactly interested in
jumping into another relationship right away either but my parents keep
pushing me, too. But if you ever need someone to talk to, give me a call. I
can be a pretty good listener and friend.
Thanks for understanding, Angie.
*****
Ben
By the middle of August the house was in pretty good shape. All of the
furniture had been delivered and Mother had finished her decorating. She
understood me pretty well so I felt comfortable and at home with all of her
choices. About the only personal touches I added were a couple of Tom of
Finland prints for my bedroom walls. Mother disapproved of the extremely
erotic nature of them but then she wasnt the one who would be lying in bed
looking at those obscenely large dicks every night.
Although everything was looking good indoors, the property was
looking terrible. Sal and his crew were doing a good job keeping the lawn
cut and trimmed, but the evergreens were turning into everbrowns and what
the previous owners had started as a vegetable garden out back was an
overgrown mess of weeds and vines. And I was tired of taking Lula out on a
leash a dozen times a day. It was time for a fence. I called the nursery and
made an appointment for their design guy to come over and give me some
advice. I was surprised when he suggested Saturday at nine. He said that
they were open seven days a week although he was usually off Sundays.
I hadnt been going out much since I bought the house but Friday night
Becky insisted we go out dancing. We got to the club around eleven, got a
couple of drinks and then started dancing. After a while we left the dance
floor and went into the front bar for our second cosmo and a little rest.
Im so glad I finally got you out of that house, Ben. I know I told you to
stop being a slut but I didnt mean you had to become a nun. There is
something in between, you know.
Yeah, I know. That whoring around was just a reaction to my breakup.
Dont get me wrong, some of the sex was great but it was all so empty. I
need so much more but Im not willing to take the chance of getting hurt
again.
You still arent over him, are you?
I guess not. I mean, I dont think Im in love with him anymore, but it
still hurts every time I think about it.
Then dont think about it. Hes not worth it, Ben.
We got another round of drinks and headed back toward the dance
floor. Wed just walked through the doorway when Becky stopped short in
front of me. I bumped into her and spilled a few drops of my drink. She was
staring at the dance floor and I followed her gaze. Fuck! There was Paul,
dancing with a hot, shirtless twink. Within seconds Paul looked in our
direction, spotted me and waved. He stopped dancing, grabbed the twink by
the arm and came over toward us. The kid was maybe my size, had short
black hair and blue eyes. His body, though slim, was pretty amazingly
defined. He had to spend hours a week in the gym.
Hey Ben, Rebecca, good to see you. This is Chad. Chad, this is Ben
and his friend Rebecca.
Hi Ben, Ive heard so much about you. The twink gave me a grin that
was almost a smirk.
I havent heard very much about you but what I have heard was
enough. He was definitely smirking now.
Now boys, play nice.
Im always nice, Rebecca. He gave her a charming smile.
I turned to Paul.
Im surprised to see you here. You always hated clubs and dancing. I
could never get you to go out.
Yeah, well, Chad has been showing me a new side of life. He put his
arm around the kid and kissed him on the cheek. Paul also had always hated
shows of affection. I felt like throwing up. Instead, I downed the rest of my
drink.
Well, I think I need another drink. Nice meeting you, Chad. Nice
seeing you, Paul.
I took Beckys hand and dragged her back to the bar. After another
round of drinks my heart was starting to feel back to normal but I was still
shook up. I noticed Paul and Chad leave not too long after that but it was too
late for me. I was downing the drinks fast and furious by then. I was totally
out of it by the time Becky dragged me out to the car. I assumed she drove
home because the next thing I knew it was morning and I was on my
bathroom floor heaving my guts into the toilet. Becky was bent over me
mopping my forehead with a cool wet towel. My head was pounding.
Finally, I felt like I was empty and Becky helped me back to bed. J ust as I
lay down the doorbell rang. Becky looked at me.
Who could that be at this ungodly hour? No one who knows you, thats
for sure.
Oh fuck! The landscaping guy. I forgot all about him. You handle him,
Beck. I dont even have enough strength to sit up. You know what I want
and have better taste than me.
Okay. I hope hes as hot as the other guy. If he is, I claim him.

Chapter Three
Ben
By Labor Day at least the front yard was looking good. The nursery had
ripped out all of the dying bushes and replaced them with smaller, healthier
ones. Becky had made some good choices as I knew she would. The
backyard was another story. The fence she had picked out was on back order
and Sal explained that they couldnt do any real landscaping back there until
the fence was installed. I got home from work the day after the holiday and
there was a very polite voice mail message from J oey at the nursery that the
fence would finally be delivered the next week and that theyd do the
installation immediately. He apologized twice for the delay. Either he was a
very smooth salesman or he was just an incredibly nice guy. Becky had
taken a liking to him that morning I thought Id died and gone to hell and
shes one of the biggest cynics I know, so maybe it was the latter.
The next Monday night the bowling league started up again. Finally, a
comfortable social outlet for me. Id been hanging out with Beck all
summer but ever since that drunken night wed stayed away from the club
on weekends just in case Paul and his trophy boy were there. The league had
moved from the lanes in Union where wed bowled last year to Madison,
which made for a much shorter drive for me. Though the management of the
lanes knew we were a gay league we werent sure how the other bowlers
there would react to us. We hadnt had any problems in Union, but you
never knew, especially when we discovered the other Monday night league
was a mens league. Wed bowled alongside a mixed league in Union.
It didnt appear we had anything to worry about. While the other league
was more than twice our size and were fairly loud and boisterous, they
didnt pay much attention to us. Our first night was a fun night, meaning
no teams, no competition, just friendly bowling to acquaint new members
with the league and get organized. The competition would begin the next
week.
Afterward, I left the bowling alley around ten oclock and immediately
ran into my only problem for the night-a flat tire. Id never changed a tire on
my car before and wasnt even sure where the spare and the jack were. I
looked in the trunk and found them in a compartment underneath. Of course
I was parked in the darkest part of the lot so not only was I not sure what I
was doing, I couldnt see to do it. I knew I was in trouble when I couldnt
even loosen the first lug nut. I pulled on the wrench with all my might but
nothing happened. I braced myself and tried again. This time the wrench
slipped off the nut and my hand slammed into the edge of the wheel well.
Fuck!!! It felt like Id broken every bone in my hand.
Need some help?
I looked up and a guy about my size was standing a few feet away in the
dark. I explained the problem and he came toward me. I could barely make
out his face. He looked like a kid. He had classically handsome features and
dark curly hair. He picked up the wrench and looked at it.
This toy wrench that came with the car is your problem. Let me get
mine.
He went to a minivan in the next row, opened the back and came back a
minute later with a large four-way wrench shaped like a cross. He put it on
the nut, stomped on one side of it and it turned slightly. Then he grabbed it
with both hands and started turning it. He repeated the process with the
other nuts while I just stood there holding my throbbing hand. He got the
jack out of the trunk and jacked up the car, took off the tire and put on the
spare. I felt so helpless standing there as he put everything back in the trunk.
He hadnt said a word the whole time he was working.
Hows the hand?
Feeling better. I guess itll be okay.
Let me see. I held out my hand and he took it between his, lightly
running one hand over the back of mine. I felt a little electric jolt when he
touched me, probably static electricity. His touch felt so good I almost
forgot about the pain. No bones poking out through the skin, anyway. I
guess youll live.
Look, I cant thank you enough for helping me out. I would have been
stranded here if you hadnt come along. I reached for my wallet. Here, let
me pay you for your time.
He stepped back and looked as if Id hit him.
No way! I was glad I could be of help. You might want to think about
joining the auto club, though. I might not be around the next time you need a
hand.
Youd better believe Im doing that tomorrow. Paul and I had had a
joint membership and it hadnt occurred to me to join as an individual when
I moved out. He always took care of things like that.
And youd better get that flat fixed tomorrow, too. You dont want to
be driving around without a spare. Do you have far to go tonight?
No, just a couple of miles.
I could follow you, just in case. This guy was too nice to be real.
No thanks, Im sure Ill be fine. Thanks again for everything.
No problem. He turned and walked back to his car.
On the way home I realized I hadnt even gotten his name. I was lucky
hed come along and was such a nice guy. It was funny, he looked like a kid
and yet hed taken charge of the situation, got the job done and even told me
what to do as follow-up. Hed left me feeling like I was the kid, but he sure
took good care of me.
*****
Joey
I saw Angie a few more times over the rest of the summer. She came to
most of our family gatherings on Sundays and came by the house a couple
of evenings as well. Once we went out to eat at the diner on Main Street and
took Connor with us. We quickly re-established our old high school
friendship. Mom was happy, but saw things differently.
Its nice to see you and Angie getting along so well, J oey, but you
should take her out somewhere nice to eat now and then. And leave Connor
at home. Threes a crowd, you know.
Mom, were just friends. I keep telling you that.
Well, you and J enny started out as friends, too.
That was different, you know that.
Of course it was, but that doesnt mean something more wont develop
if you give it a chance. You dont see the way Angie looks at you.
I give up. Think what you want, Ma. Were just friends.
Mom just smiled and nodded knowingly.
Bowling with my brothers showed me a side of them I rarely saw. At
family gatherings, they were sons, husbands and fathers. At work, they were
responsible employees of a family business. Now and then one of them
would make a suggestive comment about an attractive female customer who
had been at the nursery but usually they had to watch their mouths,
especially when Pop was around. But at the lanes, bowling with all guys,
they let loose. Their talk all night was about women and they were crude
and raunchy. They all seemed to remember not only every hot woman
theyd seen that week, but every detail about her body as well. Anthony
wasnt so bad. He was on the quiet side like Pop and me. But J ohn and
Vinnie, man, it was like theyd had all of this horniness building up inside
them all summer and it was exploding out of them. If I hadnt had such a
dark natural complexion Im sure I would have been blushing. I didnt think
of myself as a prude but I just didnt look at women that way. Besides,
having spent most of my life with J enny, Id never gotten into the habit of
using foul language and wasnt very comfortable with it.
After our first night of bowling, the guys were going to hang out at the
bar for a few drinks. I was anxious to get home to check on Connor so I left
on my own. Maybe Mom was right, I had to get more of a life for myself.
Obviously Connor was fine and sleeping soundly in his crib, but I had to see
for myself.
I was halfway across the parking lot when I heard the sound of metal
clanging to my left, followed immediately by Fuck!
I looked between two cars and saw a guy leaning against a car, holding
his hand. He pointed out the flat tire and explained that he was having no
luck getting it off the car. I quickly looked him over. He was about my size
but somehow looked smaller. Maybe it was the pain in his eyes that made
him seem vulnerable and helpless. Whatever, I took over and changed the
tire for him. He stood and watched in silence and I couldnt figure out
anything to say either. When Im at work Im pretty good at making small
talk with the customers because its my job and I know more than they do
about the business but otherwise when it comes to making conversation
with strangers, Im lost.
After Id finished he was still grasping his left hand in his right so I
asked to take a look at it. I dont know why. I couldnt have told whether
anything was wrong with it even if there had been more light. But it was
something to say and do. I felt a shiver as I took his hand in mine. I wasnt
sure if it was him or me. His skin was so smooth. Obviously he had a desk
job. Hed probably never done any manual labor in his life. Being so close I
tried to get a better look at his face. He had sort of delicate features and
again, very smooth skin. He almost had a pretty look about him. I realized
Id been holding his hand too long and let go, trying hard to make small talk.
Things got a little awkward when he tried to pay me for my help so I
gave him some general advice about the car and left as soon as I could. On
the way home I wondered who he was, where hed come from. Id lived in
town all my life and never seen him before. I mean, I didnt know everyone,
but living and working in a small town you get to know a lot of faces.
Wednesday morning Sal came to me as soon as I got to the nursery.
The Donnelly fence is being delivered this morning. Im going to go
over there with J uan and J avier to install it this afternoon but I dont think
either of them is up to handling the post digger. Think you can give us a
hand?
I thought about the two little Guatemalans he referred to and agreed that
while they were hard workers, the machine would probably get away from
them. I looked at my schedule and saw nothing that couldnt be put off for a
day so I agreed to meet Sal at the house after lunch. Now and then I enjoyed
getting out of the office, getting my hands dirty and doing some real work.
*****
Ben
I got home from work on Wednesday and saw the landscaping truck out
front. As I pulled into the driveway I could see the fence was already up on
the side by the garage. It looked even better than it had in the picture that
Becky had shown me. I went in the front door and fussed over Lula. Living
alone, it was nice to be welcomed home so enthusiastically, even if it was by
a two year-old female beagle. She was even more excited to see me than
usual. Shed probably been watching the workmen through the sliding glass
doors in the family room and was frustrated at not being able to get out to
say hello to them. I grabbed her leash, fastened it to her collar and led her
out into the yard.
There were four shirtless guys working in the yard. Two were little
brown-skinned guys, working along the back of the yard, attaching sections
of fence to the posts. On the far side of the yard I saw Sal and another guy
operating a big machine that was drilling holes in the ground. It looked like
a giant motorized corkscrew. Sal was looking good, as usual. The other guy
had his back to me. He was a lot smaller than Sal but he had plenty of
muscle. His body was smooth and perfectly proportioned.
Lula pulled me away from them toward the garage, one of her favorite
spots. I checked out the finished portion of the fence while she emptied her
bladder.
Mr. Donnelly?
I turned and the smaller guy who had been with Sal was approaching.
The sun was right behind his head so I couldnt make out his face but his
body was spectacular. With his build and his curly hair he reminded me of
Michelangelos David. Im not usually into guys like that but he was
stunning.
Hey, youre the guy with the flat tire!
I squinted, tore my eyes off his nipples and looked at his face. Sure
enough, he was the one who had helped me out the other night.
Hi, small world. Thanks again for all your help. Im Ben Donnelly. I
held out my hand.
He shook my hand and I felt that jolt again. I also noticed something I
hadnt the other night-a gold band on his left ring finger.
J oey Napoli. Weve talked on the phone a few times. I talked to your
girlfriend when I was out here before. She said you werent feeling well. I
hope everything were doing meets with your approval.
Yeah, I like it all so far. Becky sometimes knows what I want better
than I do.
Handy trait in a girlfriend. Girlfriend? Why do people just assume
everyone is straight?
J ust then Lula noticed the guy and leaped up at him, putting her front
paws on this thighs and jamming her nose into the bulging crotch of his tight
jeans.
Lula! Bad girl! You know youre not supposed to do that. I pulled on
the leash but she didnt budge.
Thats okay. I love dogs. My moms allergic so I could never have one,
though.
He reached down and lightly scratched her behind the ear while she
continued sniffing his crotch. Life could be so unfair. How come she got to
do things like that? I imagined hed react a bit differently if I was the one
who had jammed my face into his package.
Lula? Thats an odd name.
Actually, its Tallulah, but thats such a mouthful it got shortened
pretty quickly.
J ust saying the word mouthful while watching Lula nuzzle J oeys balls
made me start to get hard. I tugged on her leash again and pulled her away
from him.
So, did you get that flat fixed?
Actually, no. I got busy yesterday and forgot about it.
He sighed and shook his head. I felt like a kid whose father had caught
him doing something wrong. A ridiculous feeling because now that I saw
him close-up in good light I could see he was lots younger than me.
Ill take it with me tonight and drop it off at a friends garage to be
fixed. I can bring it back first thing in the morning.
Please, you dont have to do that. I can take care of it.
Its no big deal. Its easier than following you around to make sure
youre all right until you have it done.
He did it again, making me feel like a kid. He was more of a kid than me
but somehow in his quiet, unassuming way he just took charge of the
situation.
Say, would you guys like anything to drink? You must be thirsty,
working out in the sun like this.
Thanks, but weve got a cooler with jugs of water.
Well, if you need to use the bathroom, just knock.
I will. Id better get back to work or Ill have to listen to Sal gripe the
rest of the afternoon. Leave the tire out by the front door and Ill take care of
it.
He went back across the yard and I followed him with my eyes before
leading Lula back into the house. I went into the bedroom and watched him
out the window while I changed. I looked back and forth between him and
Sal. Sal was more my type so why did I find J oey so appealing? He really
was a nice guy, even nicer than hed sounded on the phone. But he was even
smaller than me, and way too young for my taste, almost a kid. But he
wasnt a kid. He was a man, a little man, but definitely a man.
*****
Joey
I was surprised when I met Ben Donnelly and found out he was the guy
Id run into in the parking lot the other night but it was a pleasant surprise.
Hed popped into my head a couple of times since then and I was glad to see
him again. I didnt feel as uncomfortable talking to him as I did with most
strangers. In fact, I could have talked to him all afternoon but I reminded
myself that I had work to do. Besides, I had started to get aroused when his
dog attacked my crotch. Nothing but my right hand had had any contact
with my privates for so long that it was an exciting feeling. Even after he
pulled the dog away I stayed half-hard. Maybe I wasnt asexual after all. I
just hoped this didnt mean I was into animals, though. I hoped even more
that Ben hadnt noticed. Im not especially well-hung but its hard to hide
anything in tight jeans.
I picked up the tire on my way out and brought it back early the next
morning. I was just going to leave it by the front door but decided to ring the
bell just to let him know it was there. From the little Id seen of him he was
likely to walk right past it and leave it out all day while he was at work. A
minute later the door was opened by a very sleepy-looking Ben in his
boxers. I obviously woke him up and just as obviously the walk from the
bedroom to the front door hadnt completely made his morning wood go
away.
Hey Ben, sorry to wake you up. I just wanted to let you know the tires
okay now.
Thanks, J oey. Cmon in. Would you like a cup of coffee?
Sure, if its no trouble. Ive got a few minutes.
I followed him into the kitchen and he hit the button on the
coffeemaker. He excused himself to go to the bathroom and I offered to take
the dog out for him. When we both got back a few minutes later he looked a
bit more awake and the bulge was gone from his shorts. He poured us each a
mug of coffee. I watched him and kept quiet while he sipped his coffee and
gradually woke up. He looked like a little kid, stretching and rubbing his
eyes. Of course, I knew he wasnt a kid. He was at least a few years older
than me but he acted younger. I checked out his body. He was a little taller
than me and slim, quite a bit paler than me but just as hairless. His body was
nothing special, but nice.
When he bent down to put some food in Lulas bowl I looked at his butt
and felt a stirring in my groin. A surprising feeling, but nice nonetheless. I
didnt want him catching me with a hard-on though so I started talking.
So what were you doing in that parking lot the other night, Ben?
Id just been bowling with my league. It was our first night there.
Cool. Im in a league with my brothers. Well probably see each other
all the time there now.
Yeah, your league is lots bigger than mine but Im sure well run into
each other.
Id been so intent on trying not to be obvious that Id been looking over
Bens body that I hadnt noticed he was staring at me.
Youre not dressed like yesterday, J oey. Arent you working here
today?
No, Sal just needed my help drilling the holes. Theyre done now so
the others can finish up the rest. Its back to the nursery for me today.
Shit, now I really feel bad, you making a special trip all the way out
here just for the tire.
Its no big deal. I was up early anyway. Mom and Pop were always up
early but Connor was having one of his fussy mornings.
Well, youre really a great guy. Do you go out of your way like this for
everyone you meet?
Nah, but then, most people I meet dont seem to need as much help as
you do.
Hey, that wasnt very nice. He looked so cute when he pouted. Cute?
Was that a word to use about another guy, especially one older than me?
J ust teasing, Ben. Youre so easy. Look, Id better get going and let
you get ready for work.
Okay, but to tell you the truth Id rather just hang out a while. Youre
right though, we both have to go to work. How much do I owe you for the
tire?
Forget about it. My friend doesnt charge me for little stuff like that.
He walked me to the door and we shook hands.
Thanks again, J oey. For everything.
Youre welcome, Ben. See you Monday night, maybe.
I found myself whistling as I got into the car. Maybe cute wasnt the
right word to use when thinking about a guy, but thats what Ben was. Being
around him made me feel good. I whistled all the way to work.

Chapter Four
Joey
Monday night I was running late for bowling. Connor had an ear
infection and Id taken off from work to take him to the doctor in the
morning. The antibiotics had started to kick in by evening but he was still
uncomfortable and cranky. I considered staying home but Mom insisted that
she was fully capable of taking care of him and that I should go. Even so I
dragged my feet, hating to leave him when he wasnt feeling well. By the
time I got to the lanes they were just about done with practice. I had no more
than changed my shoes and it was my turn to bowl. Having the lowest
average on the team, I went first. Id been hoping to get a chance to talk to
Ben but his league was at the far end of the building. In between turns I
looked down that way, trying to see if he was there.
Finally, in the short break between the first and second games, I had
time to go to the bar for a beer. I called Mom on my cell phone to check up
on Connor. She assured me that his fever was down and he was sleeping
comfortably. I wandered down toward the other league.
When I saw Ben he was just getting up to bowl. I watched his form as he
released the ball, not that I was an expert. He threw a straight ball, no hook,
no spin. He put it right in the pocket, but because of the lack of spin he
didnt get much pin action. He left the five and eight pins. On his second
ball he hit them dead on picking up the spare. As he turned away from the
pins he saw me watching him and walked back to me.
Hey J oey, how are ya doing?
Okay, I guess. How about you?
Pretty good.
That was a nice shot.
Yeah, Im not getting many strikes tonight but at least Im picking up
the spares.
Thats all you need, sometimes. I looked back down the lanes and
saw J ohn and Vinnie craning their necks, looking around. I think Im up. I
gotta go. Maybe Ill see you later.
I still want to thank you for your help last week. Can I buy you a drink
when were done bowling?
Sure, that would be nice. Catch you later.
I went back to my team and started bowling again. J ohn was looking at
me funny. After Id bowled and Vinnie got up he turned to me.
You know that fag, J oey?
Fag? What are you talking about?
That queer you were talking to down there. He pointed in the
direction of Bens team.
What makes you think hes gay, J ohn?
Duh, theyre a gay league, J oey. Dont tell me you didnt notice.
No way. I looked back at the other league, trying to see something I
hadnt seen before. Theres lots of women in the league.
You never heard of dykes, baby bro?
Youre just jerkin my chain, right J ohn?
Im serious. My friend Bill is the assistant manager here. He told me
all about them last week. Theyre very open about being queer.
Well, they may be a gay league but not all of them are gay, J ohn. Bens
a customer. Sal and I were at his house last week. Ive met his girlfriend.
Yeah, sure. Better keep your eyes open, J oey. Youre a nave kid, only
seeing the best in everyone. He could be after you and you wouldnt even
know it.
Im not that nave, J ohn. I think Id know if he was coming on to me.
All through the rest of the game I thought about Ben, trying to think of
any indication that he might be gay or interested in me. Hed just acted
pretty normal, like any other guy. Yeah, he wasnt very masculine but he
wasnt feminine either. Not being able to change a tire wasnt exactly proof
that he was gay. And that woman at his house that morning had obviously
spent the night with him. I decided I couldnt just come out and ask him but
Id do as J ohn suggested and keep my eyes open, look for some sign. Id
liked him so far and I didnt really care if he was gay but Id never had any
gay friends and I didnt want things to get awkward.
*****
Ben
After J oey went back over to his league the guys on my team starting
asking questions about him.
I thought you were more into the daddy type, not hot little twinks,
Ben.
I am, Scott. J oeys just a friend. Well, more like an acquaintance,
really.
Then you dont mind if I make a play for him? Little hotties are just my
type.
Forget it, Mike. Hes straight. I think hes married.
Hey, weve all done a married guy or two havent we? Married doesnt
mean straight.
No, but its a pretty good indication most of the time. Leave him alone,
guys. Hes just a nice kid.
J oeys team finished up their games before we did so he was hovering
in the back watching me and talking on the phone as I bowled the last few
frames. He finished up his phone call and came over as I was putting my
ball in the bag.
Want to go to the bar here for a drink, J oey?
No, I dont think so. My brothers are in there. Ive spent enough time
with them tonight. Theres a place a little ways up Main St. we can go if
thats okay with you.
Sure, no problem. Ill follow you.
I followed him out to the parking lot and couldnt take my eyes off his
butt. Im not generally into asses but he had such a cute round one encased
in his tight jeans. I knew I had to stop looking at him that way. He was a nice
straight guy who I sensed could be a good friend and I could use all the
friends I could get. Aside from Becky and, to a lesser extent, Scott and
Mike, there really wasnt anyone much in my life. Most of the friends Paul
and I had had were really his friends. Of course, I wasnt sure that J oey
would want to be friends with a gay guy. I hadnt mentioned that I was gay
but he must have noticed the league I was with. I decided to try to casually
work it into the conversation just to be sure that he knew.
He pulled into a small parking lot next to a tavern and led me in through
the side door. There was a long bar along the wall opposite us and booths
along the wall the door was in. There were three guys sitting at the bar and a
middle-aged couple in the front booth. Joey led me to a booth near the back.
We hadnt even sat down when the bartender came out from behind the bar
and headed over toward us. He was a short bald man in his late fifties.
J oey! Its so good to see you. He threw his arms around J oey and
hugged him tight, kissing him on the cheek. Youre looking good. How are
you doing?
Good, Angelo. This is my friend Ben. We just came from bowling.
Ben, this is Angelo.
Nice to meet you, Ben. Its so good to see you out, J oey. What can I get
you boys? Its on the house.
You dont have to do that, Angelo.
I insist. Now whatll it be? Angelo didnt look like he served many
cosmos in his tavern so I ordered an Amstel Light. J oey asked for the same
and we sat down.
He sure seems to like you, J oey.
Yeah, but he has to. Hes my uncle and my godfather. Pop has been a
regular in here since before I was born.
Angelo brought over our beers and we talked about bowling for a while.
In spite of our having different completely styles, our averages were within
a few pins of each other.
I hope you dont mind my asking, Ben, but my brother J ohn was
talking about your league tonight. He said that its a gay league. J oey
seemed really uncomfortable.
Didnt you know that? I thought we were pretty obvious, though
actually gay-friendly is probably a better description. Some of us are
straight.
I was right then! I told J ohn that you all werent gay, that Id met your
girlfriend at your house.
Sorry to disappoint you, J oe, but Beckys not my girlfriend. She just a
friend, my best friend. Im one of the gay majority in the league.
He just sat and looked at his beer bottle for a minute.
Does that bother you, J oey? Im sorry I didnt tell you before, but it
just never came up. It didnt seem important.
No, it doesnt really matter. It just didnt occur to me. I dont think Ive
ever known anyone who was gay.
Oh, Im sure you have but maybe you just didnt realize it. There are
quite a few of us out there.
Youre probably right. So are you open about being gay? I mean, you
must be, bowling in a gay league like that.
Well, Ive pretty much been out since I was in college. Its not like I
walk up to people and say, Hi, Im Ben and Im gay, but I dont try to hide
anything. Its not all there is to me but it is an important part of who I am. I
just act like myself and people figure it out if they want to. Lots of people
just cant imagine that their nice accountant could be gay or they just dont
want to know so they pretend not to notice.
And then there are others who are just dumb like me. So, weve
established that Beckys not your girlfriend. Do you have a boyfriend?
I had intended to answer that with a brief not at the moment but I must
have had lots of emotion still bottled up inside me and J oey was easy to talk
to so before I knew it we had gone through a second round of beers and Id
told him the whole story of Paul and how Id come to buy the house in
Florham Park.
Hey, Im sorry, J oey. Ive been rambling on and on about my life and
dumping all my troubles on you. What about you? I nodded toward his left
hand, which was lying on the table. Youre married, right?
He looked down at his hand and the smile that had been on his face
since we got to the tavern faded and was replaced by a look I couldnt read.
He didnt say anything for a while, just stared at his ring. I was just about to
say something when he shook his head, straightened up and looked at his
watch.
Gosh, where did the time go? Ive gotta get going.
Im sorry, J oey. Did I say something wrong? I didnt mean to be nosy.
No, Ben, its okay. My lifes, well, it hasnt been very good for a
while. Ill explain another time. Right now I really do have to go, though. I
was expected home an hour ago.
We got up, J oey left a big tip on the table for Angelo and we walked out
to the cars in awkward silence.
Have a safe trip home, Ben. See you next week. He got in the car and
drove off.
I cursed myself all the way home. Hed been so upbeat and polite every
time Id talked to him so I had assumed that he was one of those perpetually
cheery people who often annoyed the hell out of me. But he obviously had
serious stuff going on deep inside. I was so wrapped up in my own misery
and self-pity and he was such a good listener that I hadnt really been aware
that he might need to talk, too. I made up my mind to be less self-centered
and more attentive to him next time. If there was a next time.
*****
Joey
I drove the few blocks home from Angelos and let myself in the back
door. I heard J ay Leno talking in the living room so I went in there to find
Pop sound asleep in his recliner. I turned off the TV and gently shook his
shoulder. He opened his eyes, stretched and yawned.
Were you waiting up for me, Pop? Is Connor okay?
Hes fine, J oe. I wasnt really waiting up but I thought youd be home
by now. When you called earlier and told your mother you were having a
drink after bowling I was glad you were finally having some fun, but then
J ohn said you didnt go to the bar with them so I was a little worried.
You called him to check up on me? Im not a kid, you know.
No, I wasnt checking up. J ohn called about a job tomorrow.
I went to Angelos with a friend and had a couple of beers. I didnt
have to tell him but hed hear from Angelo the next time he saw him.
Good for you. Didnt I tell you that you should get out with someone
other than family now and then? What friend, anyone I know?
No, hes a new friend, a really nice guy.
Pop got up and we went upstairs. Outside my bedroom he reached over
and squeezed my shoulder.
Youre gonna be okay, son.
My room was dimly lit by a nightlight. I went straight to the crib and put
the back of my hand on Connors forehead which felt pretty normal. I just
stood and watched my beautiful boy sleep for a few minutes, then stripped
down to my boxers and lay down, staring at the ceiling.
Id had a really good time with Ben, right up until the end, anyway. It
was interesting, listening to him talk about his life. Id never given much
thought to what a gay lifestyle might be like. It must be different from what
I imagined though. Id always assumed that being gay must be all about
sexual attraction, sort of like those mild feelings Id felt in the locker room
years ago, only much stronger. But I could tell from the way Ben talked that
he had really been in love with that guy Paul and he was devastated when
Paul broke up with him. All these months later I could still see the pain in
his eyes and hear it in his voice. Being gay was obviously about more than
just lust, at least for Ben.
And then Id messed up the whole night. Hed opened his heart to me,
showed me the pain inside and when he asked me a simple question about
my life Id clammed up, not able to say a word. He probably thought I was
just another insensitive straight jerk. Even though Id been surprised to
discover he was gay tonight, the more I learned about him the more I liked
him. Though I hadnt known him long Id enjoyed every minute with him.
But Id probably ruined what had seemed to be the start of a good friendship
by shutting him out.
Mom and Pop were right. Not about dating, but about my life. For the
past year Id just closed myself off from the world. Other than customers at
work, I hadnt had any contact with anyone except my family. And, looking
back, theyd all spent the year tiptoeing around me, leaving me alone, being
careful not to intrude. No mean feat for a family like mine that most of the
time didnt seem to know the meaning of the word privacy. Id retreated
from life, wallowing in my grief and self-pity. I had to snap out of it. Maybe
Id never love again but I had to start living again.
I made up my mind that the next time I was with Ben I would talk to
him. Bare my soul to him the way hed bared his to me. How could I even
think about a future if I couldnt talk about the past? Id start with Ben, if I
hadnt already completely turned him off, that is.
*****
Ben
All day at work on Tuesday my mind kept going over the time Id spent
with J oey at Angelos. It had been such a pleasant evening. He was so nice
to be with. Nice to look at too, but that was besides the point. He was
straight and, though beautiful, he wasnt my type. But after Id talked to him
at the bowling alley and hed agreed to have a drink with me Id been
feeling better than I had all summer. Sitting having a beer with him at
Angelos had been great. It was the first time all summer Id hung out with
anyone but Becky. I loved her dearly but she understood me so well that
sometimes when I was with her it was like I was talking to myself. And then
I blew it by going on and on about Paul, sounding like a real loser. Hed
probably been having enough trouble just digesting that I was gay without
my coming across as a pathetic queen. Id clearly said something wrong
toward the end of the evening.
Tuesday night Becky came over to watch American Idol with me and
brought Chinese takeout for dinner. I didnt tell her about J oey and tried to
put him out of my mind but I was pretty quiet while we ate and I was sure
she knew something was bothering me. I could never hide much from her.
Fortunately the drinks we had with dinner helped quite a bit and by the time
the program came on I was feeling more like my old self. We watched the
show and ripped the contestants apart mercilessly. Our comments were so
vicious we made Simon sound positively gracious. I was in a much better
mood by the time I went to bed.
I was lying naked in bed on my belly. Someone was kneeling over me,
straddling me, their knees touching either side of my waist. Their hands
began kneading the back of my neck, then running lightly up and down the
sides of my neck. Both hands moved from my neck along my left shoulder,
then slowly continued down along my arm, squeezing and massaging the
muscles. When they got to my wrist they moved back and started again at
my neck, this time working their way down my right arm. After both arms
had been lovingly massaged, the hands started in on my back. Their owner
sat on my butt. I could now tell it was a man because I felt a large, swollen
but not erect, penis lying in the cleft between my cheeks and two large balls
pressing into me below it. The hands continued their work on my back,
firmly pressing together in the small of my back, pushing up my spine to my
shoulders, then separating and sweeping across my shoulder blades and
down my sides, ending up at my lower back again. They continued this
circular motion over and over. Each time my muscles felt more relaxed. The
touch got lighter and more sensuous. I was in heaven, totally relaxed, with
those magic hands working their way all over my upper body. I realized my
cock was harder than it had been in ages. With every movement the
masseurs weight on my ass pushed my dick down into the bed as if I were
fucking the mattress. I felt as if I were going to explode all over the sheets
when all of a sudden he stopped and got off me.
All done now. You can turn over. His voice sounded so warm and
familiar.
I rolled over and J oey was standing naked next to the bed, looking down
into my eyes, giving me that beautiful smile of his.
Feeling better now, Ben?
Oh yeah, J oey. That was the best.
His eyes wandered down my body until they came to my throbbing
hard-on. He quickly looked back into my eyes with a look of disgust on his
face.
Fucking faggot!!
He turned and took a step away from me and instantly disappeared.
I sat bolt upright in the bed, looking around my dark room, gasping for
breath, trying to figure out where I was. Lula groaned and shifted her
position against my legs. Home, alone. It was a dream. But what the fuck
was that all about?
*****
Joey
I was about to leave the office Thursday afternoon when Sal stopped in.
We finished up at the Donnelly place this afternoon, J oe. Why dont
you swing by on your way home and make sure its what you wanted?
I hesitated. I really wanted to see Ben but I didnt want to face him, if
that made any sense.
I could take a look tomorrow at lunch. Is that okay?
Sure, if you say so. He looked a little puzzled. He knew I wasnt the
type to put things off. But then if you want any changes theyll have to wait
until next week.
Youre right, Sal. Ill go now. Ill call you if I want any changes
made.
I wasnt sure what time Ben got home from work but it was only four so
there was a good chance he wouldnt be there. The driveway was empty
when I pulled up and parked on the street. I walked around the side of the
house and let myself into the backyard through the gate. Wed ripped out the
old vegetable garden and seeded the area to match the rest of the lawn. Id
had a hedge put in along the north side of the patio, the only direction from
which the patio could be seen by any neighbors. Along the back fence wed
planted a row of hemlocks. I went out to take a look at them. I felt
something tickle the back of my leg and looked down to see Lula sniffing
my ankles. I turned back to the house and Ben was coming across the patio
toward me.
Im just inspecting Sals work. What do you think of it, Ben?
Its beautiful. Anything special I have to do to take care of it?
No, well water what needs to be watered when we cut the grass. By
winter everything should be okay on its own.
Ben looked around the yard. You guys really did a great job, J oey. The
fence, bushes, grass, everything. Its wonderful, nicer than I hoped.
Thanks.
If youre happy, were happy.
There was a long awkward pause as we both looked anywhere but at
each other. Why was this happening? Wed been so comfortable with each
other up until just before we left Angelos Monday.
Do you have time for a beer, J oey? Maybe he was just being polite
but he sounded friendly enough, though a bit strained.
Yeah, sure, Ben. I cant stay long but that would be nice.
He went in the house and brought out two bottles. We sat on the patio
and drank in silence for a while, watching Lula sniff her way around the
yard. We both started talking at the same time, then stopped, then started
again.
You first, Ben. Its your house.
I just wanted to thank you for putting up with me the other night and to
apologize as well. I dont know what came over me, crying in my beer like
that. It wasnt like I was drunk or anything and I dont usually spill my guts
like that to someone Ive just met.
You want to apologize? Im the one who was rude. You were
obviously comfortable enough with me and trusted me to confide in and I
pretty much turned my back on you. Im not usually like that. Im sorry.
We looked at each other and laughed.
How about we accept each others apologies and move on, Ben? We
both seem to be feeling worse toward ourselves than toward the other.
Youre right, J oey. The evening ended a little awkwardly and we both
blame ourselves. It wasnt anyones fault. Things like that happen when
people first meet. I do feel bad for monopolizing the conversation, though.
Tell you what. Come to Angelos with me again after bowling on
Monday and Ill get even by telling you the story of my life. I wasnt sure
how that would go but now I was committed.
Its a date.
Im glad we had a chance to talk today, but I have to get going. I catch
hell if Im late for supper. Thanks for the beer.
Okay, I wont keep you, but before you go I have one question. Whats
with the hedge here along the side of the patio? Its nice, but why just
there?
Its for privacy. Your girl, er, your friend, said you liked to sunbathe in
the nude and she didnt want you scaring the neighbors.
Becky told a complete stranger that? Ill kill the bitch!

Chapter Five
Ben
I was in a much better mood after J oey left the house. Id liked the kid
and felt like we had something good going, some kind of friendly bonding,
and it had surprised me how upset Id been after I thought Id screwed
things up on Monday. It also surprised me how relieved I felt when I
realized our budding friendship was back on track.
Saturday night Mother and Sam took me out to a local J apanese
steakhouse for dinner. I ordered shrimp as both an appetizer and entre. I
just cant get enough of it and I loved watching the chef flipping the food in
the air over the stove in front of us. After the first few sips I kind of get into
the sake, too. Mother and Sam were more into variety and shared with each
other.
Youre acting very cheery tonight, Ben. Whats up? A new man in
your life?
No, Mother, Im just in a good mood. Does everything always have to
be about men?
Sam seemed a bit quiet and preoccupied which was fairly common. He
often had a hard time taking his mind off business. Besides, he wasnt
comfortable talking about my being gay. I mean, I knew he really liked me
as a person and was okay with my being gay, he just didnt want to hear the
details.
You really should get out there and start dating again, Ben. Rebecca is
a wonderful friend to you but you need more than her in your life. Now that
youve got your home put together its time to get the rest of your life going
again.
Yeah, Becky keeps telling me the same thing but Im just not ready. I
think I need some more time to lick my wounds. Besides, I havent been on
a date since college. I wouldnt even know where to begin.
You may not think youre ready, Ben, but it does no good to just
withdraw. When you fall off a horse youve got to get right back on. The
longer you wait, the harder it is. Look at your father and me. We both got
back out again right after the divorce.
Yeah, but that was different. You and Dad were never a good match
and you stayed together for my sake long after you should have split. Your
breakup was mutual and you were both more than ready to move on when it
happened.
Yes, but the sooner you start over, the quicker the past and the hurt
fade. I dont like to see you in pain, Ben.
Though most of the time I viewed her as this society maven, totally into
show with her decorating, entertaining and impressing the world around her
with her money and taste, now and then I caught a glimpse of her as my
mother, the woman who had taken care of me when I was lonely or
frightened or sick as a boy, the loving woman who could make everything
all right. As I got older I didnt see that side of her much, but it was still
there, buried under her glamour. Like I said, she loved me. Sometimes it
was hard to tell, but at times like this it just felt so good to feel that love.
I know, Mom. She looked at me funny. I hadnt called her Mom since
I was in high school but it slipped out. I know you care and want the best
for me. Im trying, really I am. J ust because Im taking it slow doesnt mean
Im not working on it.
I glad to hear it. I was afraid that you were withdrawing into that
house. When you were staying with us you were going out all the time. It
sounds like youre becoming a homebody now.
That was different, Mother. As welcoming as you and Sam were, I
wasnt in my own place so I went out a lot. And I wasnt meeting guys that
way, not to date anyhow. Now that Im settling into my life, if I meet a guy,
I want it to be for more, so Im taking my time.
I hadnt really given it all that much thought up until then. I suppose Id
been living in denial a lot. But being forced to think about where my life
was and put it into words made me realize that maybe I was ready to start
dating, though I was definitely going to go very slow and be cautious
beyond belief.
*****
Joey
Saturday night I was planning to go to the diner with Angie and Connor
again but Mom ran interference on me.
You dont take a baby on a date, J oey.
Ma, its not a date, just two friends hanging out.
Its dinner and its Saturday night. Youre a boy, shes a girl. Its a
date. I rolled my eyes. Besides, Lisa offered to baby-sit.
Im still not giving in on the date issue but Ill just ignore that for now.
You know how much I like to be with Connor on the weekends, Mom. Its
bad enough I have to leave him when I go to work all week. Besides, Lisa is
only thirteen.
I know youre a devoted father, J oe, but you deserve some time to
yourself. And Lisa may be young but shes been around lots of babies.
Besides, Sal and Donna Marie will be home to keep an eye on things. Give
Lisa a chance. She loves you and adores Connor. She just wants to do
something for you.
Mom knows I have a weakness for my nieces and nephews and shes
not above exploiting it.
All right, Ma. Ill drop him off on the way to the diner and pick him up
afterward. Lisa can watch him for an hour or so.
The diner! An hour or so! What kind of date is that?
I gave up talking and went upstairs to shower and get ready for my
date.
Angie and I settled into the booth and ordered our dinners. She went for
a full turkey dinner. I ordered a chefs salad.
Dont you need more than a salad to keep you going, J oe? You worked
today, didnt you?
Yeah, but I love salads of all kinds. I get plenty of heavy meals at
home so I indulge myself on salads when Im out.
It was nice of your niece to watch Connor tonight. Babies and
restaurants are sometimes a bad match.
I know. Theres nothing worse than trying to have a nice meal out with
a baby screaming at the next table, or even across the room for that matter.
But Connors never been like that. He gets fidgety sometimes, or whimpers
if hes unhappy, and he definitely lets you know when he needs changing,
but hes not a screamer or bawler. He has such a wonderful disposition. I
may be a little prejudiced but I think hes the best little boy in the world.
Spoken like a loving father. He is a good boy and hes such a cutie but
even so it must be tough on you, trying to eat and handle him at the same
time.
Oh, its not so hard. Im getting really good at multi-tasking. Taking
care of Connor is like second nature to me.
Yeah, it must be sort of like going on autopilot, taking care of
whatever he needs without even thinking.
I gave her a shocked look. No way Im ever on autopilot around him,
Angie. About other things maybe, but Connors always my primary focus.
Im always totally aware of every move he makes, everything Im doing
with him.
Youre a good father, J oey. I can see how much you love him.
I shrugged. Hes my life.
The waitress brought the food and we talked, mostly about our jobs, all
through dinner. Angie had started working in a hair salon in town. After a
while the conversation shifted to old high school friends. I tried to steer it
away from J enny. My distant past was more pleasant for me to talk about
than my recent past. After dinner we each had a cup of decaf.
You know, J oey, you really amaze me, how well youre doing. When I
saw you at the funeral, I really thought you werent going to make it. I dont
think Ive ever seen anyone so totally devastated.
Oh God, the funeral. I didnt ever let myself think about that, ever.
Im sorry, Angie, I really dont want to talk about that time. Please.
I understand, J oey. Im sorry I mentioned it.
I just sat and looked down at the table a minute, trying to compose
myself. Angie came around and slid into my side of the booth. She put her
right arm around my shoulder and lay her left hand on my forearm, which
was resting on the table. I took a few deep breaths. Angie ran her fingers
lightly up and down my arm.
Are you okay, J oey?
Yeah, its just not something I talk about much. Thats how I get by. I
know its denial but it works. Her fingers ran down to my hand and she
rubbed my ring with the tip of her finger. I instinctively jerked my hand
away. Maybe wed better get the check and go, Angie. Im afraid Im not
very good company tonight.
I drove Angie home and walked her to the door, again apologizing for
my mood.
Dont worry about it, J oey. I understand. And I had a good time
anyway. She leaned toward me and kissed me on the cheek, then turned
and went into the house.
I went over to Sals and hung out with Lisa for a while before taking
Connor home. I knew I probably spent too much time with kids, but they
were such a comfort to me. Once we were back in our room, I lay on the bed
with Connor on my chest, holding him close. I wasnt sure Monday night
was going to work. Id more or less committed myself to telling Ben all
about my past but every time the subject came up I just wasnt up to it. I
avoided it with people who already knew. How was I going to explain to
someone who didnt?
*****
Ben
Sunday afternoon Becky and I went to New Hope, PA and had brunch
at the Cartwheel. I generally preferred the crowd at the Raven but there was
a good chance you-know-who would be there with you-know-what. The
Cartwheel was just fine. The restaurant was in the front building, a
converted stone farmhouse over 200 years old. It was charming and the food
and service were good. Beck and I were each on our second Bloody Mary
when the waiter brought our food-a tomato frittata for Becky, steak and
eggs for me.
Steak! How butch. And rare, too. Are you finally trying to make a man
out of yourself, Ben, all that red meat and blood?
Its filet mignon, medium rare. Nothin butch about that. Dont you be
starting rumors about me, girl.
You have been in a remarkably good mood the past couple of days,
Ben, almost like your old self. Whats going on?
Not you, too. Mother said the same thing last night. Do I need an
excuse to be happy? Is there something wrong with that?
No, Im glad to see you happy but its so unlike you lately. I was just
getting used to that bitter cynical queen youve become since last Spring.
Well, I cant keep that up all the time. Every now and then I slip and
act happy. Youll just have to deal with it.
If I didnt know better Id say there was a man behind this somehow.
And what makes you think you know better? I felt like playing with
her.
Because I know every move youve made for the last couple of weeks.
You havent had a chance to meet a guy, except maybe at work and I know
you dont like to mix business with pleasure.
What makes you think I havent met someone at bowling?
Because I hung out with you at the league last Spring. Half the guys
there are in relationships and the few who are your type you tricked with
right after the breakup. So thats out.
Well, thank you for reminding me how shitty my prospects are, Beck. I
dont think you have to worry about me being in a good mood the rest of the
day.
As we wandered through the art galleries and craft shops in town
afterwards I thought about Beckys comments about the men in my bowling
league. It was true. There wasnt anyone there Id want to go out with, even
if I was interested in dating. I realized just the fact that I was thinking that
way might be a good sign. Maybe I would be ready to date soon. Of course,
that raised another question. Where was I supposed to meet potential dates?
There was no one at work, no one at bowling and while bars were pretty
good for tricking Id never ended up dating anyone I met in a bar.
*****
Joey
Monday night my brothers and I were getting ready for practice but I
was keeping an eye on the door looking for Ben. Id been looking forward to
seeing him all day. I caught his attention when he got there and waved for
him to come over. I introduced everyone but it was tense. J ohn and Vinnie
didnt even look at Ben or say anything. At least Anthony was polite enough
to shake hands and say hello. I steered Ben away from them for a few
minutes and we talked about going to Angelos later. He went over to his
league and I went back to change into my bowling shoes.
I dont know why you want to be friends with a fag, Joey. People are
gonna talk if they see you hanging out with him.
What difference does his being gay make, J ohn? Hes a nice guy I
enjoy talking to.
The real question is why hes hanging out with you, baby bro. Better
watch your back, or should I say, your ass.
Oh cmon, Vinnie. Hes not interested in me that way. Not everybody
thinks about sex all the time like you do.
Dont be comparing me with that perv. Guys like that are sick. What
they do is wrong. It even says so in the Bible.
Since when are you Mr. Religion, Vinnie? I dont think Ive seen you
in church since your kids were baptized.
J ust because I dont go to Mass every Sunday like Joey and Mom
doesnt mean I dont know whats in the Bible, Anthony.
Then maybe youve heard something about not judging others or
loving your neighbor.
I think that queer has a different kind of loving in mind when he looks
at J oey, Anthony. Im just thinking about protecting our brother.
I think J oey can take care of himself, Vin.
I was surprised by all of my brothers. Sure, Id heard them use words
like fag and queer all my life, but I thought they were just words. I didnt
realize J ohn and Vinnie were really that anti-gay. Anthony also surprised
me by coming to Bens defense. I mentioned that to him later in the evening
when the others were both up to bowl.
I wasnt defending your friend so much as you, J oey. I dont care one
way or the other about gay guys as long as they dont bother me. I know
youre a pretty good judge of character so if you want to be friends with him
he must be an okay guy. Dont pay any attention to our asshole brothers.
*****
Ben
Monday night I saw J oey as soon as I walked into the bowling alley and
went over to say hello to him. He was with three big hot looking older guys
who turned out to be his brothers. He introduced me to them but with one
exception it was a pretty icy atmosphere so I excused myself as soon as I
could to go get ready to bowl.
As soon as we settled into our booth at Angelos later on, J oey
apologized for his brothers.
Dont worry about it, J oey. Lots of guys are like that. Ive learned not
to let it bother me.
Well, it bothers me. I never knew they were like that before. Maybe I
just wasnt paying attention. Ill have to work on them.
I was surprised at how much older they are thank you. They really look
like brothers but not much like you.
Yeah, sometimes I think I was adopted. They take after my father and I
think I look more like my mother.
I changed the subject by reminding J oey that he was going to get even
with me by bending my ear about his life. He seemed nervous and
evasive. He talked about just about anything else for a while and by the time
Angelo had brought over our second beers he still hadnt gotten to the point.
By then I was wondering what could be such a big deal that he found it
so hard to talk about. He was wearing a wedding ring so obviously he was
married. If hed had a nasty divorce he wouldnt still be wearing the ring.
Maybe it was a bad marriage and he didnt want to talk about it. I was about
to tell him to forget it, that I didnt want him to feel obligated, when he
plunged into the story.
He told me all about his family, his childhood and his best friend J enny.
When he got to their teen years when they started dating and then their
marriage I could hear the love in his voice and see it in his eyes. He looked
happier than Id ever seen him. He actually seemed to glow. This sure didnt
seem like a tale he hadnt wanted to tell. But then his voice dropped when he
got to the part about her pregnancy and delivery. He just droned on and on,
telling the terrible story in a detached voice, absolutely emotionless. I was
horrified. I couldnt imagine going through a loss like that, especially
coming so unexpectedly at what should have been the happiest moment of
his life.
He suddenly stopped talking, looked down at the table and took a deep
breath.
Excuse me. He jumped up from the table and walked quickly to the
back to the mens room. I sat there stunned by the story hed just told and
watched him disappear though the door. Within seconds, Angelo was
standing by the table.
What happened? What did you say to him? Is J oey all right?
I dont know. He was telling me about what happened to his wife and I
think he got overwhelmed.
Ah, poor J enny. Poor J oey. Id better go check on him.
No, Ill go. He might be embarrassed in front of you.
I got up and went into the rest room. J oey was standing at the sink,
gripping the sides of it tightly. I could see how white his knuckles looked.
He was staring into the mirror. He didnt turn his head right away but his
eyes shifted and met mine in the mirror. He started to tremble and he let out
an anguished cry. He turned toward me and started bawling like a baby. I
rushed across the room and caught him as he started to collapse. He threw
his arms around me and held me so tight I had trouble breathing. He put his
head on my shoulder and cried. I wrapped my arms around him and held
him. I dont know how long he cried. He didnt loosen his grasp and I tried
to sooth him, lightly rubbing his back with one hand and his head with the
other. I couldnt think of anything to say that would help so I said nothing.
Finally the tears started to let up. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the
door open and Angelo poked his head in. He raised his eyebrows in
question. I just nodded my head at him and he backed out. J oey pulled away
a moment later, still sniffling. I got him a wad of toilet paper and he blew his
nose, then turned to the sink. He splashed some water on his face and dried
himself with paper towels.
I think Im okay now. Thanks, Ben. We went back out into the bar
and sat in our seats. He just sat there quietly, staring at his hands on the
table. I put my hands on his and rubbed them lightly.
Are you sure youre okay?
Yeah, its just that I havent talked about that for so long. I havent let
myself cry about it either. I guess there was a lot of emotion built up inside.
Im so sorry, J oey. I shouldnt have pried. Next time I ask you
something too personal just tell me to butt out.
No, Im glad we talked, Ben. I need to stop bottling everything up
inside. I talk to Connor now and then but thats not really the same.
Connor?
My son. His face brightened and he actually smiled. The most
beautiful boy in the world.
Im sure he is, if he takes after you.
J ust then Angelo brought over a couple more bottles of beer. He looked
back and forth between us.
Feeling better, J oe?
Yeah, Angelo, Im fine now, thanks. Angelo looked down at the
table, looked a bit perplexed but then shrugged and walked back to the bar. I
looked down and saw I still had my hands on J oeys. I dont think either of
us even realized it. I quickly moved and took a sip of my beer.
I dont have much experience with kids but someday Id like to meet
your son.
You will, Ben. Youll love him, even if you dont like babies.
I didnt say I didnt like babies, I just havent been around them much.
My family is tiny compared to yours.
We talked about our families some more as we finished our beers. By
the time we left it almost seemed as though Joeys near collapse hadnt even
happened. In the parking lot we said goodnight and I was about to get into
my car when J oey threw his arms around me, hugged me and whispered in
my ear, Thanks, Ben.
*****
Joey
I hadnt been sure Id be able to tell Ben my story but once I got started
it didnt seem so hard. I went on what Angie would have called autopilot.
That worked until I got to the end and all of the memories came rushing out.
I just made it to the bathroom and thought Id managed to get myself under
control but then Ben walked in and I lost it.
Later, lying in bed, I ran though the whole scene in my head. It was an
emotional outburst like I hadnt experienced in over a year but I was glad
Id gone through it. I needed to let it all out and it seemed that Ben had been
the perfect person to open up to. He didnt say much. He didnt have to. His
eyes told me how much he cared. So did his hands, both when he held me
and comforted me in the mens room and then at the table where he just held
my hands. My last thought before I fell asleep was an odd realization. When
Angie had tried to comfort me in the diner and had touched my hand, Id
pulled it away. When Ben had his hands on mine I didnt think of pulling
away. It felt good.

Chapter Six
Ben
I couldnt stop thinking about J oey for the next few days. Hed gone
through such a horrible tragedy and, while he was obviously still hurting,
was somehow managing to move on with his life. It made me realize that I
hadnt made much progress in dealing with my own situation, which was so
much less tragic than his. I was still avoiding places that Paul liked, afraid of
running into him and that kid.
Over the next few weeks Monday night became the highlight of my
week. Yeah, I enjoyed the bowling, but it was the hour or so with J oey at
Angelos afterward that I really looked forward to. He made me feel better
than anyone had in a long time. We didnt talk about the pain in our pasts,
just what little was going on in our current lives. It was enough. I sensed that
the time we spent together meant as much to J oey as it did to me.
J oeys ability to keep his life on track in spite of what hed gone through
inspired me. One Tuesday Becky was over for our usual take-out and
television and I mentioned that I thought it was time for me to take control
of my life and move on. Id told her about making friends with J oey and that
he was a widower with a baby, but hadnt gone into details about his
situation.
What do you say we go to Connexions Friday night, Beck? Im tired of
only going there during the week when the place is half-empty.
You sure youre ready in case we run into the asshole? I dont want to
have to carry you out of the place again like last time. Another night like
that and youll need a new liver.
I think I can handle it. Ive been acting like a baby over this for too
long. If I keep avoiding places just because of him then I keep letting him
run my life and hes got nothing to do with me anymore.
Yeah, that sounds good but Ill believe it when I see it, Ben.
Me too, Becky, I thought. I wasnt sure I could face Paul and not hurt
but I knew I had to try. I couldnt spend my whole life hiding.
The next day I was at the food court in the Livingston Mall having lunch
when my cell phone rang. It wasnt a number I recognized and I was
surprised to hear J oeys voice.
Hey Ben, I hope I didnt catch you at a bad time. Are you at work?
No, J oey, right now Im at lunch so your timing is perfect. Whats up?
Hed never called me before, not even at home, so I was curious. Id
been thinking that it would be nice to see more of him than just Mondays but
had been hesitant to ask him over to the house. I knew it was silly because
we seemed to have a good comfortable friendship starting up, but I was
afraid hed think maybe I had ulterior motives.
I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get together and do
something Friday night.
That sounds great. You mean like dinner?
Well, actually, I was thinking of a little later. I put Connor to bed
around eight so maybe after that.
Sure, Id love to, except that this week Becky and I have already made
plans.
Oh. I could hear the disappointment in his voice. Maybe another
time, then.
Hey, wed love for you to join us if you like, though you might not like
the place were going.
Why, whats wrong with it?
Nothing, but its a gay club. There was a barely noticeable pause.
Well, Ive never been to a gay club but if you promise to protect me Id
love to go with you guys.
You forget Ive seen you without your shirt. With that body you may
have reason to need protection, but I think youre definitely up to the job
yourself. In fact, I think if anybodys going to be doing any protecting it will
be you, J oey.
Becky came over for dinner Friday night and J oey got there a little after
nine. Theyd met briefly that morning I was too hung over to discuss the
landscaping but I introduced them anyway. Before we left J oey excused
himself to use the bathroom.
Hes sweet and absolutely adorable, Ben. Doesnt he make you wish
you were into twinks instead of papa bears?
Not really, Beck. I agree with your assessment of him but its easier to
be friends this way. If he were my type Id probably be head over heels in
love with him by now and the last thing I need is to fall for a guy who cant
love me back.
We got to the bar a little early but Id sensed that J oey might not want to
be out too late. He wasnt used to clubbing and even though his parents were
baby-sitting he was probably thinking about his son. Wed never stayed
very late at Angelos, partly because it was a work night, but also because
J oey had said he didnt like the idea of the baby waking up in the night and
him not being there.
Of course the minute we walked into the main bar area I noticed Paul
and the trophy boy. They saw us and came right over. I was tense but
thought I held it together pretty well as I introduced Joey. Paul had his arm
around Chad in a possessive way that I remembered all too well. Both he
and Chad looked J oey over from head to toe, practically devouring him with
their eyes. I expected that from Paul-J oey was just his type-but I had
assumed Chads tastes were more like mine. After the introductions there
was a long silence which Becky finally broke.
So are they having a special here tonight, Paul? Kids get in free when
they bring their fathers?
Still the charming bitch, Rebecca. No wonder I dont miss you.
There was another long tense pause, then J oey surprised me. He slipped
an arm around my waist and pulled me close.
Lets go get a drink, babe. We can talk to your friends later.
Pauls eyebrows shot up in surprise. Not as much as mine, I hoped.
Babe?
Where did that come from? J oey turned me away from the others and
walked me to the bar, never taking his arm away from me. Becky followed a
few feet behind.
What was that all about?
I hope youre not mad, Ben, but he was looking so smug and
condescending with his arm around that kid, almost as if he was enjoying
rubbing it in your face. I figured it wouldnt hurt if he thought that we were
together, that youd moved on, too.
You are so sweet, J oey. Thank you.
No, youre the sweet one, Ben. Hes a jerk who treated you like dirt.
You deserve better. He put a hand behind my head and pulled me into his
neck and just hugged me for a minute. Id been feeling so uptight until that
point but all the tension melted right out of me. J oey knew just what to do to
make me feel better.
*****
Joey
I was a little hesitant about going to a gay club but I wanted to spend
more time with Ben. Besides, deep down I knew it would be no different
than a straight place, though I hadnt had much experience with them lately
either. J enny and I had gone out with friends now and then but that seemed
like another lifetime.
It was good to see Becky again. She and I had hit it off the day wed
made the plans for Bens property and Ben obviously adored her from the
way he always talked about her. In spite of my initial nervousness about the
club, I was sure it was going to be a fun evening.
We got to the place and immediately ran into Bens ex. I knew how
much Ben didnt want to see Paul but I also knew that he wanted to get over
it. I took an instant dislike to Paul which was unusual for me but then, I
knew how much he had hurt Ben. I just couldnt understand Pauls attitude.
He had to know how hard this was for Ben, how much this guy who had
loved him was hurting. Yet he seemed smug and arrogant, almost as if he
wanted to hurt him more. I could understand the snotty little brat he was
with acting like that but Paul had once supposedly loved Ben. It made me
want to protect Ben. I decided that for the rest of the night, making him feel
good was my only priority.
We tried to avoid Paul and Chad as much as possible. The club wasnt
huge but there were different rooms so it wasnt very hard. About an hour
after we got there I went downstairs to use the mens room. Becky teased
me about not letting myself get picked up. I asked her to keep an eye on
Ben.
The room was empty and I had just started to pee when I someone
stepped up to the urinal next to me. I made of point of not looking at him.
Nice, very nice.
I glanced over and it was Chad, looking down at my dick. I stepped up
closer to the urinal to block his view and tried to ignore him.
You know you and Ben arent fooling anybody.
What do you mean?
We all know Bens into older guys like Paul, not hot young studs like
you. Pauls not buying your little act.
I shook off the last few drops, put my dick away and zipped up.
You dont even know Ben, and it seems to me that youre the one with
the older guy. I moved over to the sink to wash my hands.
Oh, Pauls all right. Hes sweet and very generous although not very
exciting in bed. I like a little variety. Im into all kinds of things and all
kinds of guys. Like you for instance. Ill bet you and I could have a lot of
fun. He took a step back and squeezed his half-hard dick.
I looked him in the eye. Why would you think Id ever be interested in
an ass like you when Ive got a great guy like Ben? I turned and walked
out, leaving him standing there with his cock in his hand.
I had been trying to act the part of Bens devoted boyfriend up until then
but I was more determined than ever after that. A little while later we were
by the side of the dance floor when a slow song started. I noticed Paul and
Chad, who had been standing near the bar at the other end of the room move
out onto the floor. Becky grabbed Bens arm.
Cmon, Ben, dance with me.
Hey, what about me?
Becky turned toward me. Well, sure J oey, Id love to dance with you
but I can only dance with one of you at a time.
No, I meant me and Ben. Were supposed to be the couple, you know.
Ben looked uncertain. Are you sure you want to do this, J oey?
Sure, why not? Its just dancing.
We went out onto the floor and wrapped our arms around each other. It
felt a little weird but we had hugged a few times before and the men in my
family are always hugging so it wasnt altogether strange. After a minute we
both relaxed and Ben put his head on my shoulder. It felt good. I noticed
Chad watching us with a smirk on his face. As we turned so that Ben could
also see him, he began making out with Paul and I felt Ben tense up. What a
jerk! I decided we had to do something.
J ust follow my lead, Ben. Its show time. I ran my hand up and down
his back and then let it slide down to rest on one cheek of his ass. I saw
Chads eyes follow the move and I gave the cheek a hard squeeze. Ben
started and pulled back a bit, giving me a funny look. Time to go for broke.
I brought my hand up, put it behind his head and pulled him toward me. I
pressed my lips against his in a firm, though close-mouthed, kiss. It was no
big deal. My family was very physical and Pop often kissed me and my
brothers on the mouth. Ben obviously thought differently about it because
he immediately parted his lips and I felt his tongue on my lips. Instinctively,
I opened my mouth a bit and met his tongue with mine. As they touched
something went off inside me, maybe inside both of us, because our mouths
opened more and in an instant we were devouring each other. I knew what
we were doing was wrong but my brain had no control. I was completely
and totally lost in the hottest kiss Id ever experienced. I dont know how
long it went on but all of a sudden I realized the music had changed to a
faster song and we were standing still in the middle of a floor filled with
gyrating bodies. I was aware of Bens hard dick pressing into my groin. I
realized that my dick was hard and throbbing as well. He must have come
back to reality at the same time because we practically jumped apart and
quickly walked off the floor, being careful not to touch each other. Becky
was standing there with her mouth hanging open.
What the fuck was that?
I dont know, Beck. One minute we were putting on a show for Paul
and Chad and then I just lost control. God, J oey, I am so sorry. You were
trying so hard to help me and I took advantage of you. Please dont hate
me. Ben looked both horrified and embarrassed.
It was all my fault, Ben. I wanted to help you but I didnt realize what a
tease I must have been. I guess Im so starved for affection that I forgot
where I was but that doesnt excuse my leading you on that way.
Well, whatever it was, it was sooo hot, guys. I think you turned on half
the bar. Paul and Chad sure were impressed.
I looked around but I didnt see any sign of them.
They left, J oey. After watching your performance and realizing you
two werent coming up for air anytime soon, Paul grabbed the kids hand
and practically dragged him out the door.
*****
Ben
As soon as I saw Paul I was sure Id made a mistake. The pain stabbed
at me again, just like before. I couldnt even look at Chad. But then J oey
took charge. I couldnt believe he came up with the idea of pretending to be
my date. I would have never thought of that and even if I had I could never
have asked him. But it was a great idea. Id been so obsessed with
convincing myself that I was over Paul. It was so much easier to concentrate
on convincing Paul that I was over him.
And J oey was such a considerate date. He bought me drinks, he held my
hand, he hugged me a few times. Even a peck on the cheek now and then. I
couldnt help but think back to what Id said to Becky before we left the
house. It would be so easy to fall for J oey. It was hard to believe it was his
first time in a gay club. He seemed perfectly at ease although he did seem a
bit flustered when he came back from the mens room. Maybe hed walked
in on a couple going at it in the booth. It wouldnt be the first time in that
place. We settled into a spot alongside the dance floor for a while. J oey
stood behind me and wrapped his arms around me, hugging me from the
rear. I tried not to appear too tense but I was nervous. It was easy for J oey;
he wasnt turned on by guys. It was just an act to him but even though he
wasnt my dream guy he was still hot and pressing his body against mine. I
didnt want to let on how good it felt to me.
I handled it pretty well until we started to dance. Wed held each other
tight that Monday night when he cried after telling me about J enny but Id
barely been aware of the physical contact then. Id been too concerned over
his emotional state. It was only afterward that I looked back and realized
that it had felt so good having him in my arms. When we began to dance I
was aware of nothing except his hot muscular body against mine. I began to
get hard and hoped he didnt notice. When he squeezed my ass I thought Id
pass out. And then when he kissed me I completely lost it. My brain shut
down and raw lust took over.
When I finally realized what I was doing I was horrified. Hed been so
good to me all night and Id practically raped him on the dance floor. He
didnt seem to mind too much although he was somewhat quieter the rest of
the night. Maybe he was in shock. Fortunately Paul had left during our kiss
and there was no need for us to continue the act. I think wed both had all the
physical contact we could handle for the evening.
*****
Joey
I worked Saturday and had a hard time keeping my mind on business. I
kept thinking about that kiss. About the whole evening, really. It was kind of
odd, acting like that with a guy. Of course, Id only ever been out on dates
with J enny so doing that kind of stuff would have been odd with anyone. It
was easy in a way, because we werent really on a date. We were playacting
so we could do anything we wanted and it didnt mean anything. Even
though I was messing around with a guy there was no reason to feel
self-conscious. Id tried to be careful not to be a tease, though. Ben had
made it clear to me that I wasnt his type, whatever that was, but I was still a
guy and I didnt want to go too far with him. Even so, Id really enjoyed
touching him and holding him. My whole family was very touchy-feely but
this was different. There was a different kind of warmth and feeling about
Ben. And then that kiss blew me away. I kept thinking back to how turned
on Id been. All though my teen years Id had hard-ons for no reason like all
boys and I almost always woke up with one and of course J enny always
turned me on, but this was a new experience for me. Not just that it was with
a guy, but it was with someone other than J enny.
That night I dropped Connor off with Lisa and picked Angie up to go to
dinner. She wanted to go to Angelos instead of the diner so we could have
wine with our meal.
Angelo came over to greet us as we sat down.
Not with your boyfriend tonight, J oey? I was sure I blushed at
Angelos comment. I wondered if hed heard Ben talking about being gay.
Boyfriend? Angie gave me an amused look. Is there something you
havent told me?
Hes talking about one of my buddies. Weve been dropping by here
after bowling the last few weeks. I didnt know why but I was feeling
defensive like I had to explain to her.
We ordered and Angelo brought a bottle of merlot. We silently toasted
each other and took a sip. We were becoming better friends, but in so many
ways she was still the flirty girl I had known in high school. She had assured
me she wasnt in the market for a boyfriend and just wanted to be friends,
but every now and then I got an uncomfortable feeling that she was looking
for more. It was nothing I could put my finger on. Maybe it was just Moms
constant comments about our budding romance that were in the back of my
mind whenever I was with Angie. I tried to be careful to keep things on a
friendly basis, to not lead her on in any way.
Over dinner I told her about my adventure the night before. I didnt
mention all of the playacting or the kiss, just that Id gone to a gay club with
friends. I talked mostly about the club and the other patrons.
Werent you nervous being in a place like that, J oey?
Why should I have been nervous?
Well, youre a great-looking guy. I would imagine that all of those gay
guys would have been all over you.
It was really no different than any other club, although one guy did
come on to me in the rest room.
Did you deck him?
Dont be silly. Why would I do that? I just made it clear to him that I
wasnt interested and that was the end of it. It was no big deal.
Youd better watch the situations you get yourself into, J oey. Youre
way too trusting and innocent. Somebody could take advantage of you.
I think I can take care of myself, Angie.
When I took her home I went to kiss her on the cheek as usual but she
turned her head and I caught her full on the mouth. Her lips were parted
slightly and at first contact she parted them more and ran her tongue along
them, touching mine as well. It was just like the night before. Without
thinking, I opened my mouth and slipped my tongue into her mouth, only
this time I almost immediately remembered where I was and that I was with
a friend.
I backed away and apologized.
Thats okay, J oey. Theres no need to apologize. It was nice.
But I was out of line, Angie. Weve both been very clear that were just
friends. Im sorry.
Yes, were friends, but sometimes other things grow out of friendship.
J ust dont stress over it and let whatever happens happen. She kissed me
lightly on the lips and went into the house.
*****
Ben
After I got home Friday night I couldnt stop thinking about J oey and
that kiss. I let Lula out for a few minutes and then stripped for bed. I think
Id been half-hard since the kiss and getting undressed and thinking about it
brought me up to full-staff. I lay on my back on the bed, slowing stroking
and squeezing my meat, thinking about how great the whole evening had
been once J oey took over with his act. While I knew it was an act it had felt
so perfect. I just loved every touch of his. As I replayed his kiss I began
stroking harder and faster. It was probably just my imagination but I could
have sworn I felt something hard pressing back against my hard dick while
he was kissing me. I thought about that as images of him flashed though my
mind. That day he was shirtless in my back yard, his beautiful smile, his
warm loving eyes. In no time I exploded, shooting stream after stream of hot
white cum all over my chest and stomach.
I licked my fingers clean and then used my boxers to wipe up the rest of
the mess. As I cleaned up I berated myself for thinking about J oey that way.
It wasnt going to do me any good. He wasnt even a possibility. But as I lay
there I found myself wondering what J oeys spunk tasted like. Damn, this
wasnt good.
Saturday afternoon Becky and I went to the local Home Depot. I was
still lost in my thoughts as we wandered up and down the aisles.
I dont know why I let you drag me here, Beck. We both know that
neither of us has a clue what to do with most of the stuff in here. What are
we supposed to be looking for this time?
Its not the merchandise, Ben, its the other customers. This place is
always full of hot men. I almost always meet someone when I come here
alone.
Then why bring me?
Being with a helpless queen can be a plus, too. Lots of straight guys
like to show off and they think Im impressed when they know so much
more about this stuff than you.
Like thats hard. Well, let me know when you see a hottie and want me
to go into my helpless queen act.
You mean this isnt it?
Bitch. Leave me alone. I had a hard night.
Yeah, Ill bet it was hard, especially after the workout stud-boy put
you through. Another minute of that and you would have both had
embarrassing wet patches on your pants.
Well, I would have but I dont think it was quite the same for J oey.
Remember, hes straight.
Yeah, something about him was straight all right and it was causing an
enormous tent in the front of his pants when you guys left the dance floor.
No way! J oey was as turned on as I was?
A lot more than you from the looks of it. The guy next to me nearly
passed out at the sight.
I wished Becky had kept that bit of info to herself. I was trying so hard
to get my mind back to thinking of J oey in a platonic way and the last image
I needed was that of a huge tent in his pants.
*****
Joey
Sunday morning Mom and I took Connor to Mass as usual and then I
stayed in for the day. Since the weather had turned cooler we didnt have the
big family get-togethers every weekend. It was hard to squeeze everyone
into the house, although we managed on holidays. I spent some time playing
with Connor and did a little reading while he napped.
I tried to figure out what was going on in my life. After months of
standing still, all of a sudden things were going way too fast. In my whole
life, I had only French kissed one person and then in less than twenty-four
hours Id kissed two more, both of them friends. I wasnt sure what was
going on with either one. I thought about what Angie had said. Did that
mean she wanted more or did it just mean that it was okay with her if I
wanted more? Id gotten more carried away with Ben but then the situation
had been different. But even so, did that mean I was gay? I so rarely felt
anything physical toward anyone so these feelings were confusing and a bit
overwhelming. Thinking about it didnt clarify anything. By the time I took
Connor up to bed I had decided I was either asexual, gay, straight, or bi. One
of them, maybe more. Not much of an answer. I tried to discuss it with
Connor but, while he looked as though he was giving it some thought, as
usual he didnt have much to say. I put him in the crib, pulled the blanket
over him and kissed him goodnight, then lay on the bed and thought again
about what Angie had said. I knew that I had to do something even if I
wasnt sure what.
I got up and opened the top dresser drawer and took out the carved
wooden box. I sat on the edge of the bed, opened the box and rummaged
through its contents. There were ticket stubs from concerts and plays J enny
and I had gone to, postcards shed sent me from childhood vacations with
her family, assorted pictures taken over the years, junk jewelry Id given her
when we were kids, a small smooth stone shed picked up on the beach
when we went down to the shore the day after the senior prom. As I went
through twenty years of memories tears streamed down my face as always. I
pulled out a picture taken of us at our engagement party.
I will always love you, J enny. What we had was unique and special
and a piece of my heart will always belong to you, but its time for me to
move on. I cant live in the past anymore. Its not good for me or for
Connor. I dont know just what Im doing but I have to do something. Wish
me luck, J enny. I love you.
I put the picture back and grasped my wedding ring in my fingertips and
twisted it back and forth, gradually sliding it off my finger. I held it and
looked at it for a minute, then kissed it and put it in the box. I put the box
away in the drawer and lay back down on the bed. I wasnt sure I could do
this but I knew I had to try.

Chapter Seven
Joey
When I brought Connor down for breakfast Monday morning I hadnt
even had a chance to sit down when I heard Mom gasp.
Your ring, J oey. What happened to your ring?
Relax, Mom, I didnt lose it. I just took it off.
But why? What for?
Because Im not married anymore. Thats all it means, Ma. Nothing
more. She was already planning my wedding to Angie and I didnt want to
give her any more ideas, not that I could have stopped her.
I tried to distract her by talking about the nursery, about bowling, even
about Ben. I didnt usually talk too much to my parents about him. Mom
and Pop were a bit suspicious. At first they were glad Id made a new friend
and was going out more, but then Vinnie told them that my new friend was
gay, although he used the word queer. They didnt seem to be as
homophobic as my brothers but they also questioned Bens motives for
hanging out with me. Pop had a talk with Uncle Angelo who assured him
that Ben was a nice guy who didnt seem to have designs on me. I offered to
invite Ben over for dinner one night so they could meet him but Mom said it
wasnt necessary, that shed take her brothers word for it that Ben was
okay. They were still concerned but they obviously didnt want to meet him.
Until that day I never realized how many people paid attention to my
hands. Three different employees at work mentioned my missing ring and
even my brothers commented on it at bowling. Of course, they had been
clued in by Mom since J ohn had stopped by the house on the way to the
lanes. Even Ben noticed it. When we sat down in the booth at Angelos he
looked down at my hands and raised his eyebrows but kept quiet. I think we
were both still thinking about Friday night and feeling a bit awkward. I was
determined not to talk about our kiss. I knew it had probably been on his
mind as much as it had been on mine, but I didnt want to make matters
worse. We talked about the nights bowling for a little while.
When I was waiting for you to finish up tonight, Ben, I was looking at
your leagues standings sheet. You sure do have some colorful names for
your teams. Whats your team name?
Ben blushed and looked a little embarrassed.
Uh, were the Gutter Sluts.
I nearly choked on my beer. Id seen the name but assumed it was one
of the female teams.
You make my brothers and me sound boring. Were the Paisans.
More traditional, but I guess both names are fitting.
We were quiet for a minute. Hed given me an opening to ask about his
personal life, something Id wanted to do, but I didnt want to appear to be
prying.
So you guys think of yourselves as sluts? Ive never heard guys called
that. Does that mean you sleep around a lot?
Well, I cant speak for Mike and Scott, but Ive done my share of
whoring around. When I first came out in college I was like a kid in a candy
store. Any guy I wanted who wanted me I just had to have. You remember
what it was like when you first discovered sex, Im sure.
Uh, yeah, I suppose. I did remember how much I loved sex and
wanted it all the time once I started, but I was with J enny then so it was
always just with her. But love makes it even better.
Yeah, once I met Paul I settled down and it was just him for nearly ten
years. Then after the breakup this spring I went a little crazy again. I guess I
just needed to be reassured that someone still wanted me, even if it was just
for a few minutes. It felt good, but the feeling faded really fast and left me
feeling more alone than ever. So Ive slowed down again.
Saving yourself for Mr. Right?
Yeah, right, J oey, like theres anything left to save. Well, maybe my
heart. Its a little bit used and battered but at least Ive still got it. But Im
getting maudlin. Enough about me. With your looks you must have sown a
few wild oats yourself.
Sure, of course. Hey, how about another beer. I didnt want him to
know just how limited my experience was, especially now that I knew about
his past.
*****
Ben
I felt a little bit awkward talking about my past with J oey. Mike and
Scott were bigger sluts than Id ever been and for longer so it was fun
trading stories with them and putting each other down for our loose
behavior. Maybe I was just uncomfortable talking to a straight guy
about my sex life. I wasnt ashamed of my past. Id done what I wanted
when I wanted and it was what I needed at the time. Lots of straight guys do
the same thing, especially right after discovering sex. I knew J oey had been
married and had a kid so it wasnt like he was a virgin or anything, but I
sensed that J oey was different. Maybe it was because he looked so young
and sweet but there was more to it than that.
Now that wed broken the ice (had we ever) by getting together on a
night other than Monday, I decided to ask J oey over to the house during the
week. I thought that might be safer than going to the club. No chance of
running into Paul, no need to put on another show. I thought I was finally
showing signs of being over Paul, but that didnt mean I wanted to see him
all the time. As before, I was concerned that J oey might read something into
it, especially after Friday night, but he seemed to be moving past that
incident. Besides, he could always just say no if he didnt want to. Instead,
he seemed thrilled by the idea.
We decided that he would come over sometime after eight on
Wednesday, since he wanted to put Connor to bed first. While I was getting
the house ready, I thought a little about what it must be like to have a kid.
Not that I knew anything about what kids were like. They were part of
another universe as far as I was concerned. But to be responsible for another
human beings life, especially one so totally dependent on you. It was all I
could do to take care of myself and Lula and aside from feeding her and
opening the door for her a dozen times a day, Lula pretty much took care of
herself. I was the high-maintenance member of the household.
One of the reasons Id bought the house was the fireplace in the family
room but it had been summer when Id moved in so I hadnt been able to use
it. Now that it was the end of October the weather was finally cool enough
to try it out. A little after eight I built a fire and got it started. I lit a few
candles around the room, moved the coffee table out of the way so we could
sit on the rug in front of the fire and then went into the kitchen to heat up
some cider. Id just put cinnamon sticks in the mugs and turned off the stove
when the doorbell rang. Perfect timing.
J oey was wearing a baggy sweatshirt and loose-fitting jeans but he still
managed to look so sexy.
Hey Ben, hows it going? He stooped down to make a fuss over Lula
and then looked at me. You changed your hair. It looks nice.
Thanks. Im way overdue for a haircut and its getting long so I
thought Id try something different. Cmon.
I led the way into the kitchen and poured some cider into the mugs. J oey
followed me into the family room and I sat on the floor, leaning back against
the couch. He looked around the room at the fire and the candles and then
down at me, lounging on the floor.
Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. Robinson? He giggled.
Oh gawd, please dont tell me that I remind you of Anne Bancroft.
Thats definitely not the look I was going for.
He laughed out loud. No, I didnt mean that at all. Its just that I saw
The Graduate on cable recently and when I saw how romantic this whole
set-up was, the line just popped into my head.
Thats a relief. And no, Im not trying to seduce you, J oey. I just
wanted us to be comfortable.
J oey sat a couple of feet away from me and we sipped cider and chatted
about our days at work. He seemed to be a little tense. I was wondering if
maybe Id made a mistake having the room like this.
Are you okay, J oey? You seem nervous. I can turn on some lights and
we can sit on the furniture if youd rather.
No, this is nice, actually. Its just, well, I wanted to ask you something
but I keep thinking that its none of my business.
Weve talked about some pretty personal stuff with each other, J oe. Go
ahead and ask. If its something I dont want to talk about, Ill tell you.
Okay. A few times since we met youve made the comment that I
wasnt your type. What do you mean by that? What is your type?
Is that all? Thats not very personal. Everybody who knows me knows
that Im basically into big guys who are older than me. Blond and a bit hairy
are both pluses, too.
Like Paul.
Yeah, like Paul. I turned my head away from him and stared into the
fire.
Well, Im definitely none of those things so I can see what you meant.
Is
your type just about looks for you?
That makes me sound pretty shallow, J oey. I mean, looks are
important to me, but theyre not everything. Besides, nothing is written in
stone. I am a little flexible. In college the guys I went out with were my own
age and came in all shapes and sizes. I guess what it comes down to is that
Im looking for security, someone to take care of me. Bigger guys give me
that feeling and so do older guys.
Youre looking for a sugar daddy? That doesnt sound like the Ben I
know.
No! I didnt mean that when I said I wanted to be taken care of. Sure,
Pauls a partner in his law firm and makes fantastic money, but its not
about money with me. I do all right myself and love my job. I mean that I
need someone to make me feel that everything is all right, that it will always
be all right. Emotional security, not financial. I want someone who will take
care of me emotionally.
I think we all want that, Ben. The best relationships are when both
people give that to each other.
I agree, J oey, but some of us need it more than others.
*****
Joey
I wasnt sure where I was going with this talk about Bens type. I knew
that I had to find out more about what he was looking for before I could
make the next move but I wasnt sure Id be able to even then.
So its your turn, J oey. Whats your type?
Your guess is as good as mine, Ben. I dont think I have physical type.
Im not as visual as you are, as most people are, I suppose. Its more
emotional with me. That doesnt mean I dont appreciate physical beauty.
Ive even been turned on a bit by it now and then, although not very much
and there doesnt seem to be any specific physical type that does it.
No particular build or coloring? You arent a tit man or a leg man or
something like that?
Well, now and then a nice butt catches my eye. As far as overall
physical type though, the few that have caused a stirring for me dont seem
to have had much in common with each other.
Wow, so what do you think about when you jerk off?
I think I inhaled half of my cider and began choking. Ben jumped up
and slapped me on the back a couple of times. When Id recovered he sat
down again.
Im really sorry, J oey. That was way too personal. It just slipped out.
No, thats okay, Ben. Its just that nobodys ever asked me that before.
To answer your question, I really dont do that very often. I dont have a
very strong, uh, libido, is that the word? And when I do it, I guess I just
focus on how good it feels.
Okay, lets change the subject. Ive been rude and youve been kind
enough not to be offended. What do you want to talk about?
I think I surprised both of us when I started to talk about the past
weekend. Its what I had wanted to talk about but I hadnt thought Id have
the nerve. Bens shocking question seemed to have opened the door for
anything. I didnt talk about Friday night and our kiss directly but touched
on it when I told Ben about Saturday with Angie. I told him what Angie had
said about friendships sometimes developing into something else, and that it
was good to not stress about it and just let things happen. Then I told him
about my decision to stop wearing my wedding ring. He got kind of quiet.
So, you think maybe its time your relationship with Angie moved to
the next level, that youre ready for that?
I was stunned and more than a little frustrated. It had been so hard for
me to bring out all of these confusing feelings and hed missed the whole
point.
No Ben, I know Angie was talking about my relationship with her but
as soon as she said it I realized that that was what was going on between you
and me, at least for me. What I feel for you has become a lot more than just
friendship. I dont really know what is going on inside me but I have to find
out.
Now Ben was the one who was shocked. He just looked at me shaking
his head.
But youre straight.
I never said that. If anything I said I was asexual. Yeah, I loved J enny
with all my heart and body but I never felt that way about any other woman.
The few others Ive felt any physical attraction for were guys. Nothing like
with J enny, but then I barely knew them and, as I said, its more of an
emotional connection with me anyway. So, what do you think?
I dont know what to think. There was no way I was expecting this.
The longer he went without saying anything the more nervous I got. His
friendship had come to mean so much to me but I just had to tell him. I just
hoped I hadnt made a mistake.
Youve got to admit that weve had a pretty special connection ever
since we met, Ben. And while Im not your type, youll have to admit you
responded to me physically Friday night. Do you think that maybe theres a
chance that something could develop with us?
There was a long silence while Ben stared into the fire. He finally
looked at me and smiled.
Yeah, J oey, I think theres a chance. I told Becky Friday before we left
for the club that I could easily fall for you if you were my type. I think I
was building that up in my mind to prevent me from getting in too deep with
you. I didnt think you were available, that you were a possibility for me.
Im still not sure Im ready for this, though, or that you are for that matter.
Thats the only stumbling block that I can see because both emotionally and
physically you push all the right buttons with me.
I let out a sigh so loud that Lula lifted her head and looked at me.
Youre right that we may not be ready for this. Youre going to have to
be patient with me, Ben. I think the thing to do is go slow and do what Angie
said-not stress and just let it happen. Now that we both know that we want it,
theres no rush, no pressure. We can just let it happen.
Well go as slow as youre comfortable with, J oey. I really want this to
work. He got up and put some more wood on the fire but when he came
back he pushed my legs apart a little and sat on the floor between them and
leaned back against my chest. This isnt too much for you, is it?
I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer to me. He leaned
his head back against the side of mine.
No, this is perfect.
*****
Ben
I was blown away when J oey told me that he thought he wanted to be
more than friends. Id always just assumed he was straight. Looking back I
could see that he hadnt tried to deceive me but knowing he had been
happily married made me jump to conclusions.
We sat on the floor together in silence, looking into the fire, me leaning
back against J oey, him with his arms holding me tight, for I dont know how
long. In spite of the huge change in the direction of our relationship that had
just occurred, there didnt seem to be anything that needed saying. Actually,
there was probably lots that we could have talked about but all either of us
wanted to do was be together. Talk could wait.
I had known the previous Friday that J oey could very easily be my
type. He didnt look like the guys I usually was attracted to, but he there
was no denying that he was sexy. And even before Friday night, he had
always made me feel secure, right from that night we met when he changed
my tire. It was a good thing that he wasnt my physical type. A couple of
months ago I wasnt ready for this. He sneaked up on me and now I had no
choice but to be ready. I heard the clock chime in the living room and
realized it was getting late, that J oey should be getting home.
So where do we go from here, J oey? Whats next?
I dont know, Ben. I guess we can just keep going the way we have
been, maybe see a bit more of each other, be a little more
affectionate. Basically just let it develop. This is all so new to me. I
think Id better take baby steps if thats okay with you.
Thats fine with me. Theres no rush. Sitting here with you tonight is
one of the nicest evenings Ive had in a long time. I can wait as long as you
want.
I was just thinking about what Angie said. I know she meant it about
me and her but I wonder how shed react if she knew the real impact of her
advice.
What are you going to do about her, J oey? Do you think shes really
interested in you?
I dont know, Ben. I enjoy my friendship with her and would hate to
lose it. Weve known each other forever, though we werent close in school.
But shes a part of my culture, a link to my past. Im just going to have to be
careful not to lead her on and head her off if I see any signs of her wanting
more.
Yeah, just like with us, I guess youll just have to see how it goes.
Speaking of going...
J oey took his arms from around me and nudged me a bit. I stood in front
of him and held out my hand. He grabbed it and I pulled him up to his feet.
He leaned into me and planted several tiny light kisses all over my lips, then
began gently nibbling them. I put my arms around him and began kissing
him back. The kisses became less playful and more passionate. Soon we
were back into the amazing kiss from Friday night. It was even better this
time because we knew what we were doing and both wanted it. I was hard as
steel and this time I knew that what I was feeling pressing back was J oey.
After a while I became aware of a panting sound. Since both of our mouths
were busy, I was puzzled. We pulled apart and looked down. Lula was
humping the air about two feet away from us.
J eez, we cant get away with this anywhere. Friday night Becky said
we turned on half the bar. And now, even in the privacy of my home, weve
got an aroused audience. I guess wed better stop.
Its just as well, Ben. Another minute of that and I might have started
humping your leg.
I was thinking of a region just a little bit higher than that, J oey.
J oeys eyes widened.
Baby steps, Ben. Remember, baby steps.
*****
Joey
When I got home that night I lay on my back in bed for a while, smiling.
Ben felt sooo good. It had always felt good to be with him. Now it felt even
better. I hadnt been sure I would be able to talk to him about it but I was
thrilled that I had. He was too, obviously. I knew there would be lots of
stumbling blocks ahead of us. Angie was the first and probably the easiest.
My family posed all sorts of problems. I didnt want to think about it.
Somehow, I just knew it would all work out. It had to. If I had been unsure
before there was now no doubt in my mind that what I was doing was the
right thing for me. It would all work out if we just took it slowly and let it
happen.
Saturday night Angie and I went to the diner for dinner. I was careful in
everything I said not to give her any ideas. I hoped I wouldnt always have
to tiptoe around her like that but it was the first time Id seen her since the
kiss and her little talk. I wanted to make it clear to her that things were still
on a just friends basis. When I dropped her off later I made sure my
goodnight kiss landed on her cheek.
Sunday was Halloween and John and Carla were hosting a party for all
of the kids. Id been lucky to find a NY Mets uniform that was just the right
size for Connor. It fit him perfectly right down to the cap and glove,
although he kept letting the glove fall off his hand. He looked so adorable.
What made it even more fun was that when Id picked out the costume, the
woman at the rental shop mentioned that they had another one in my size. I
hadnt intended to go in costume myself. After all, Halloween is for kids.
But I couldnt pass up the opportunity to dress up like Connor. After I got
my costume on I went into Mom and Pops room to check myself out in the
full-length mirror. It was a perfect fit, although it was maybe a little snug
across the butt. I had a small frame and pretty narrow hips, but Id always
thought my backside was a little out of proportion. It was well-rounded and
firm but seemed to stick out a bit and that was especially noticeable in these
baseball pants. Something about the way the pants were cut made the crotch
bulge out quite a bit, too. I knew that ballplayers wore cups so there would
be extra room for that if this were a real uniform but this was a costume. All
in all I thought it was a little sexy, but not too much for a kids party.
All of my nieces and nephews were at the party. About half of them
were still young enough to get dressed up. The older ones were there mostly
under orders from their parents and didnt all stay for the whole afternoon.
Mom and Pop dropped by for a while to fuss over the grandkids. A few kids
from the neighborhood were there as well. The one guest I didnt expect to
see was Angie.
What are you doing here? You didnt mention you were coming last
night when I was talking about the party.
I thought Id surprise you. Carla was in the salon the other day and
invited me. I think your whole family is trying to play matchmaker.
I keep telling them that were just friends but they just dont give up.
Yeah, well, whatever. Dont let them push you into anything, J oey, but
make sure you dont go in the opposite direction just to spite them. Do what
you want to do.
I tried to avoid Angie as much as possible but she stuck pretty close to
me all afternoon. It wasnt that I didnt want to see her but I didnt want us
to appear to be there as a couple. I knew my whole family was watching and
I wasnt sure where Angie thought things were going with us. Around four I
was thinking of leaving when Angie made a suggestion.
Why dont you come over to my place and Ill make you dinner, J oey?
My parents went to my sisters for the day so wed have the place to
ourselves.
That sounds nice, Angie, but I had something else in mind, actually. I
want to take Connor over to my friend Bens house in Florham Park. I know
his friend Becky was planning to be there and neither of them have met
Connor. Hes so cute in this outfit, not that he needs help in making a good
first impression.
Ben is your gay friend, right?
Yeah, thats the one.
Maybe Id better come with you. Youre looking awfully sexy in that
uniform and you might need some protection.
Oh cmon, Angie, I can take care of myself. Besides, Ben doesnt
attack every sexy guy he sees.
No point in taking chances, J oey. Ill get my coat and be with you in a
sec. She turned and went out to the hall closet. I turned around and Vinnie
was standing behind me frowning.
Youre taking your boy to that fags house? Are you nuts?
I think youre the one whos nuts, Vinnie. Ben is gay, which means
hes into other men, not baby boys.
Youd better watch him, J oey. I think youre making a big mistake.
J ust then Angie came back with her jacket. Id been hoping to talk her
out of going with me to Bens but it looked like I had no choice. I wanted to
be able to be with Ben the way I wanted but if I started making excuses
Vinnie would wonder what was up. It looked like I was stuck with a
chaperone.

Chapter Eight
Ben
Becky came over around one on Sunday and we went through my
DVDs and began our traditional Halloween horror film festival. Id tried to
make the house look like no one was home so we wouldnt be bothered by
trick-or-treaters but the doorbell rang several times during the afternoon.
Becky and I had both seen the movies before so unless it was a particularly
tense or gory scene we took turns getting up and giving the kids candy.
Wed just finished our second DVD and were taking a break when the
doorbell rang. Becky got up to get it while I went into the kitchen for
something to drink.
Oh, Ben, I think this ones for you. she called from the front door.
I was getting tired of the boisterous little kids and wondered why Becky
wanted me to see this one. I went out to take a look and there was J oey,
looking hotter than Id ever seen him in a form-fitting baseball uniform that
would have distracted just about anyone from the game, grinning at me,
holding a miniature version of himself on his left hip. I was about to grab
him and kiss him when I saw a pretty young woman with long wavy black
hair standing just a bit behind him. I stopped myself halfway to him and
held out my hand instead.
J oey, you look fantastic! And this must be Connor. Hes a doll!
Hey, Ben. He shook my hand and put Connor down on the floor.
This is my friend, Angie. I noticed he put just the slightest emphasis
on the word friend. Angie, this is Ben and Becky.
Nice to meet you, Angie. Becky shook hands with her.
I didnt want to be rude but I was so disappointed that J oey and Connor
werent alone. All I could do was nod and smile. Connor was on the floor in
between us anyway so I couldnt get to her. Lula strolled over to investigate
the little person. Shed never seen a human being so close to her own size.
Connor seemed just as fascinated with her.
Is he okay with dogs, J oey?
Yeah, Anthony and Vinnie both have dogs, although we dont let them
near him much because theyre a lot bigger.
Maybe the better question is, is the dog all right around babies?
Yeah, Angie, Lulas never been around kids but she loves everyone.
Shes the most docile dog youll ever meet.
You can do anything to her and she just lies there. She takes after her
master, Becky added. I gave her the finger.
There was a short awkward pause, which Becky broke.
Lets all go into the family room. Ben, why dont you and J oey get us
some wine?
J oey and I went into the kitchen and I pointed out the cabinet with the
wineglasses. I opened a bottle of red wine.
Sorry about Angie, Ben, he whispered. She just kind of invited
herself along.
Thats okay, J oey. Its good to see you no matter what. We took the
wine into the other room. I noticed that Becky had seated herself on the
couch which meant that Angie had to take one of the chairs. I sat next to
Becky and J oey was left with the other chair, across the room from Angie.
Connor was on the floor playing with Lula.
Hes an angel, J oey. He looks just like you.
Pretty much, Becky, except for his eyes. Theyre J ennys.
Isnt he cute, Ben?
Yeah, Beck, he is. I kept looking back and forth between J oey and
Connor. J oey had talked so much about this son of his but up until this
moment he had been an abstract notion to me. Now here he was, a real, live
being, a part of J oey.
You look a little uncertain, Ben. Why dont you get down on the floor
and introduce yourself?
I dont know, J oey. Im not good with kids. I dont have any
experience with them.
Connors easy, Ben. He doesnt bite.
I got down next to him and looked him over. His cap had fallen off and
he had thick black curly hair, just like his dad. Lula was lying on the floor in
front of him and he was petting her over and over. She was in heaven being
fussed over like that. Maybe Becky was right; she was a lot like me.
Her name is Lula, Connor. Can you say that? He gave me a quizzical
look. Lula. Try it.
He looked at her and then back at me. Loo? he asked, very tentatively.
Yeah, thats good, thats half of it, Connor. Lula. Loo-lah.
Loo! He shouted triumphantly. I tried several more times but he
seemed content with Loo. I realized that trying to teach him Tallulah might
be years away. Becky and Angie were talking above me but I paid no
attention. I was fascinated with this little guy in front of me. I looked up and
J oey and he was smiling down on us. Oh God, he looked so beautiful.
I got up and rejoined Becky on the couch and took a sip of my wine.
Hey, do you guys have any plans for dinner? We could order some
pizza.
Im a step ahead of you, Ben. Last week at Angelos when we were
talking about food and you asked me what brand of spaghetti sauce I liked, I
decided you needed to taste some real Italian cooking. So this morning
when Connor got me up early, I made lasagna. If you want to try it, Ive got
it in a cooler in the minivan and we can heat it up. Or you can put it in the
freezer for another time. I didnt mean to presume anything.
No, that sounds great, J oey. I love lasagna. Becky and I were going to
order takeout anyway. This will be lots better.
J oey turned to Angie. Im sorry I didnt ask you before. I planned this
before I knew youd be along. If you dont want to stay to eat, thats all
right. We dont have to.
I could see that Angie was a little reluctant, maybe a little annoyed, but
she didnt want to be a spoilsport. After a slight hesitation she gave in
graciously.
Id love to, J oey. Ive never tried your cooking. Im looking forward to
it.
J oey went out to the car and brought in the cooler. He not only had the
lasagna but the makings for a spinach salad and lots of garlic bread. J oey put
the lasagna in the oven and we all sat down with another glass of wine. Once
we got talking I saw that Angie really was a nice person. She and J oey
seemed comfortable with each other, which probably came from years of
knowing each other and having similar backgrounds. I tried not to look at
Angie as a rival. I knew she wasnt based on what J oey had said, but the
more I observed her the more I began to sense that shed like to be a rival.
The conversation was pleasant though I would have given anything to be
able to drag J oey off into another room for just one kiss. Becky must have
read my mind and came to the rescue.
Well, if were having a big dinner here Im afraid we dont have
enough wine. I looked at her like she was crazy. She knew there was no
danger of me ever running low on wine. Angie, why dont we run out to a
liquor store for a couple of bottles? Itll give us girls a chance to gossip and
get to know each other and we can make the men do all the work.
Angie gave J oey a wistful look but agreed to go with Becky. As soon as
they were out the door J oey was in my arms, kissing me like crazy. We got
comfortable on the couch and made out for a while, mostly just holding each
other, running our hands over each other, kissing lightly, looking into each
others eyes. I looked down at Connor who was now playing with a couple
of toys J oey had brought in from the car.
Do you think its all right for us to make out in front of him, J oey?
Sure, why not? He has no idea what were doing and its not like hes
gonna tell anyone. Hes picking up quite a vocabulary but hes not putting
sentences together yet.
Okay, youre the daddy. As much as I would love to just hold you for
another hour or so I think wed better get dinner ready before the ladies get
back. We dont want Angie wondering what weve been doing all this time.
Will Connor will be okay by himself here?
J oey craned his neck back to look over the counter into the kitchen.
Yeah, I can keep an eye on him from there. Why dont you set the dining
room table while I make the salad?
I went into the dining room while J oey took over the kitchen. I hadnt
used the dining room before. When I was alone or with Becky I always ate
at the kitchen counter or in the family room in front of the TV. I got out the
china, crystal and silver Mother had selected and set the table. It was pretty
impressive looking when I was done. When I went back into the family
room, Lula was sniffing Connors butt.
Uh, J oey, is Connor housebroken? I called into the kitchen.
I think you mean potty-trained, Ben. Hes not a dog.
Sorry, I didnt mean to imply that but Im used to dogs, not kids.
Anyway, no, he isnt. Hell probably be in diapers until sometime next
summer or fall. Why?
I pointed at Lula and J oey understood.
Looks like he needs to be changed. Where can I take him, Ben?
I decided my bedroom would be best so Joey picked up Connor and
grabbed a shoulder bag hed left by the front door and followed me down
the hall. I got a large towel from the linen closet and spread it on the bed.
J oey bent over Conner, carefully removing his little uniform. I focused
mainly on J oeys butt. Damn, what I wouldnt want to do with that. I was
almost exclusively a bottom but that ass got even me going. I walked up
behind him and rubbed my hands over the two firm globes. He moaned but
then turned and looked at me over his shoulder.
Down boy! Ive got serious business to take care of here.
He didnt have to ask twice as he took off Connors pampers. I quickly
backed across the room.
Damn, J oey, how do you do that?
You get used to it, sort of. I try not to think about it, just do it and get it
over with.
I got a small plastic garbage bag for the used diaper while J oey cleaned
Connor up. He was just finishing when I heard the front door open.
Hey boys, where are you? Becky called out.
Were in here, Beck, I called back.
A few seconds later Becky tentatively stuck her head into the room,
then breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Connor on the bed. I just shook
my head at her. Angie followed her into the room and gasped. I looked at
her and saw she was staring at the Tom of Finland drawing opposite the bed,
one with a leatherman wearing just a harness and chaps, with the trademark
humongous erection sticking out and up. Joey followed her gaze and
noticed it for the first time, his mouth dropping open.
I may not know art but I know what I like. I shrugged at them.
*****
Joey
When Becky practically insisted on taking Angie with her to the liquor
store I could have kissed her. I usually enjoy the time I spend with Angie but
Id been planning on this afternoon as being time with Ben. While it was, I
couldnt be with him as I wanted to be. As soon as they left I was all over
him. It seemed silly in a way. It wasnt like we were longtime lovers who
had been separated for ages. Wed barely begun this new part of our
relationship and it had only been a few days since Id been with him. But it
felt so good to have Ben in my arms again.
Later, when we were getting dinner ready, I looked around. I was in the
kitchen, fixing the food, Ben was setting up the dining room and Connor
was in the family room playing with his toys and the dog. It was a perfect
little family, just the way life was supposed to be. If I hadnt been sure a
relationship with a guy could be right for me this chased away my
uncertainties. I knew I wanted more of this.
Once Angie and Becky got back we all sat down to eat and for a while
everything was easy. It seemed wed all skipped lunch so we were all
starving. There were lots of compliments about my cooking but maybe
some of that was due to how hungry we were.
I cant believe you made this from scratch, J oey, even the sauce. How
did you learn to do this?
Mostly from watching my mother, Becky. Its pretty much her recipe,
with a few changes to suit my own taste.
I know Italian and this is good, Joey. Better than my mothers, maybe
even better than my own.
Thanks Angie, thats quite a compliment. J enny was really good at
non-Italian food but I took over the kitchen when we wanted Italian. Do you
cook, Ben?
Enough to stay alive. Nothing special, just basic meat and potatoes.
Lots of prepared and frozen stuff.
So Paul did the cooking?
Sometimes on the weekends, J oey. Hes a good cook but he only liked
to do it when he had the time, not after working all day. During the week we
went out a lot or I fixed something simple.
Whos Paul?
My ex, Angie. We broke up last Spring.
Oh, Im sorry. Angie looked uncomfortable, like she didnt know
what she was supposed to say about two guys breaking up. Were you
together long?
Almost ten years.
Wow! I didnt know there were gay relationships that lasted that long.
I know lots of guys who have been together a lot longer than that. And
dont get me started on lesbians. They all seem to mate for life.
We steered the conversation in another direction since I could tell
Angie was lost on gay matters and was struggling not to say the wrong
thing. I kept looking around the table, thinking how nice it would be if
Angie and I could be friends the way Ben and Becky were. We all seemed to
get along, but I knew Angie wasnt like Becky. I felt bad too that maybe we
werent being fair to Angie. We were all in on a secret that she didnt know.
It was like we were deceiving her, trying to trick her. I knew that wasnt the
case but it kept cropping up in my head like that.
The others all had brandy after dinner except me. I liked brandy but
since I had Connor with me and I was driving, even though it was only a
couple of miles, I had coffee instead. Connor conked out around
seven-thirty and I decided it was time to go. It had been a long day for the
kid. Everyone helped carry my stuff out to the car. I took Connor, of course,
and strapped him into his car seat. Ben put the cooler in the back and Becky
put the diaper bag next to it. The goodbyes were a little awkward.
I kissed Becky goodnight on the cheek and Ben did the same to Angie.
He put out his hand to shake hands with me but I ignored it and pulled him
into a quick hug, nothing passionate and no kiss, just one last bit of physical
contact. Angie and I got into the van and drove off.
I had a great time, Angie. How about you?
Pretty good I guess. It sure was different.
Ben and Becky are good people, Angie. Theyre a lot of fun and both
have great hearts.
I agree they can be fun but Ill have to take your word on their hearts.
Theyre just so different from us, J oey. Its like theyre from a whole other
culture and I dont just mean the gay thing.
Oh, theyve had different life experiences but not all that much. The
differences are more interesting than obstructive. I love every minute Im
with them.
Well, Im glad youre making new friends, J oey. J ust dont forget your
old friends and your family. Weve known you forever and we all love
you.
Yeah, I know, I could never forget my roots. Its just nice to expand
my horizons a bit.
When we got to her parents house I didnt get out because I didnt want
to wake up Connor. I leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. She
tried to turn it into a hug but fortunately that was too awkward leaning
across the car.
*****
Ben
As soon as Becky and I got back in the house we both started talking
about Angie.
So what do you think, Beck? Youre a girl and you had her to yourself
a while.
Shes got it bad for J oey. She didnt come right out and say so but you
can tell she thinks he walks on water. And she must have mentioned how
hot his uniform was at least a dozen times. She definitely has her sights set
on him.
I got that impression, too, but I thought that maybe I was just overly
sensitive. I can be a mite jealous now and then.
No shit, like I dont know that. But you werent imagining it. She kept
her eye on him every minute and didnt like it at all when he paid too much
attention to anyone else. She even scowled a little whenever he mentioned
J enny.
Damn, and she and J enny were friends. I think J oey is going to have to
watch out not to let things get out of hand with her.
Yeah. Becky hesitated. Are you sure about this whole thing, Ben?
Are you sure that J oey wants this as much as you do?
What do you mean? Did he say something to you? Have you noticed
something I havent?
No, Ben, from all I can see J oey feels strongly for you. Its just that this
kind of relationship is totally new for him and doesnt fit into his lifestyle at
all. Its not going to be easy for him. Angie would be a lot easier and, after
all, hes already had a successful straight relationship. I just dont want to
see you hurt.
Believe me, neither do I, Becky.
Becky hadnt said anything I hadnt thought myself over the past
several days but hearing it from another made it seem more valid. I thought
about it all day Monday and once J oey and I were settled in at Angelos
sipping our beers I brought it up.
How do you know you really want to pursue this relationship with me,
J oey?
Are you having second thoughts, Ben? He seemed alarmed.
No, not at all. Its just, Ive dated guys before and had a long
relationship with one. I have a long history that proves to me that Im gay
and thats what I want. But this is new for you so I wonder if youre sure this
is what you want.
Yeah, its new, Ben, but Ive thought about very little else the last ten
days or so. You know that Ive always had some attraction to guys. I never
had to deal with that since I had J enny, but I knew it was there and I didnt
have a problem with it. But now I have to think about what it all means and
what I really want. Ill admit Ive had conflicting thoughts and confusion
about this. When I think of you, my head says no, that youre too different,
that you dont fit in with my life. But my body, which rarely has anything to
say, practically shouts yes. Its just the opposite with Angie. My head tells
me shed be a perfect fit in my life but my body doesnt respond at all.
So it sounds like you have a tie vote for each of us and youre going
with your body. How do you know the differences wont get to be too much
and then your head will win out? Or maybe your body will decide that
Angie is okay after all. Youve been happy with a woman before.
Well, you see, Ben, there are more than two votes involved here. The
third vote, the tie-breaker, is my heart. And this is something I am very sure
of. My heart votes for you.

Chapter Nine
Joey
For the next couple of weeks very little changed. Ben and I went to
Angelos after bowling on Mondays as usual and then Id spend an evening
later in the week at his place. Wed talk, have a glass of wine or mug of cider
and cuddle in front of the fire. A couple of times we went out to a late movie
and held hands like teenagers in the dark theater. Ben wasnt pushing things,
just giving me time to get used to being with him. I began to think that
maybe we were going a little too slowly. I wasnt sure just what the next
step was but I thought I was ready for something more, except I wasnt sure
how to tell him. I knew I didnt know how to make the first move.
I continued my Saturday night dinners with Angie but was more careful
than ever not to let her think anything other than friendship was going on. I
stopped asking my nieces to baby-sit and went back to taking Connor with
us. Its hard to think its a romantic date when you have a squirming toddler
with you.
One Friday night Ben and I went back to Connexions with Becky. Paul
and Chad werent there but a few of Bens friends were. We danced and had
a great time and when we got back to Bens he kissed me goodnight and I
went home. I was beginning to feel sexually frustrated for the first time in
my life. I thought about calling Becky and asking her what I should do but
she beat me to it.
Monday morning of Thanksgiving week Becky called me at work to
invite me to lunch. She came by the nursery at one to pick me up. As we
were leaving Vinnie caught my eye, looked Becky up and down, and gave
me a thumbs up sign. I just smiled and shook my head.
I waited until wed ordered and the waitress had brought our iced tea to
ask what was going on.
Why does something have to be going on, Joey? Cant I invite one of
my favorite men to lunch without having ulterior motives?
Well, sure, Becky, but weve never gotten together without Ben before
so I was wondering.
Okay, you got me. Ive wanted to spend some time with you alone for
a while, ever since you and Ben started seeing each other, but I also have
something on my mind. A couple of somethings, actually.
Well, go ahead, Im all ears.
First, whats going on with you and Ben? I know you guys decided to
go slow, but you dont seem to be moving at all. You may think its none of
my business but get over it. You know I have to know everything and I care
about you two.
I really dont know just whats going on, Becky. I expected Ben would
have made a move to go further by now. Ive been wondering if maybe hes
having second thoughts.
Oh, dont worry about that, J oey. Hes still crazy about you but I think
you two have a problem. Youre waiting for him and hes waiting for you.
He doesnt want to rush you if youre not ready. Besides, believe it or not,
Ben is shy about things like this. Hes not used to making the first move. He
is a bottom, after all.
A bottom? What does that mean?
She suddenly got evasive. Um, Im sure Ben will explain all that but
basically he just prefers for the other guy to take the lead.
But I dont know what to do. Ive never done anything like this
before.
J ust follow your instincts. More touching, more kissing, involve more
body parts. Maybe take some clothes off. Hell, youre getting me
embarrassed talking about this and thats hard to do. J ust do what feels
good. If you get in over your head you can stop, but at least start.
But what if I do something wrong?
Believe me, if it feels good, its not wrong.
I thought about it as I worked on my burger.
All right, Ill give it a shot.
Good. Now for the second part, and this could be your opportunity.
Since Ben is going to be alone on Thursday I was thinking of bringing him a
plate of leftovers on my way home from my parents so he could have some
real Thanksgiving food. But then I thought that hed probably enjoy a visit
from you even more, if you can get away from your family, that is.
What do you mean, alone? He said he was going to his mothers house
for Thanksgiving dinner.
Becky sighed. Sam and Gale left for a vacation in Spain since last
week. Theyll probably be having a very non-traditional Thanksgiving
paella overlooking the Mediterranean in Barcelona. I guess Ben didnt want
you to know he was going to be alone.
What about his father?
Hes going to his in-laws on Long Island. Id take Ben with me but
my sister and her family are coming down from upstate NY and she and Ben
dont get along. I was thinking that if your family eats early maybe you
could slip out and go see Ben in the evening. Or if you eat late, maybe you
could visit him earlier.
Dont worry about it, Becky. Ill take care of it.
That night at Angelos I took a stern approach to Ben.
You know, Ben, if you lie to me and keep secrets, this relationship
doesnt stand a chance.
He looked shocked. What are you talking about?
Your Thanksgiving plans with your mother. Ive been talking to
Becky.
Oh, that. Im sorry I lied but its really no big deal. Im used to being
alone and didnt want you to worry about me. Ill be fine.
Yes, you will, but thats because youre coming to my house for
dinner. He shook his head. I wont take no for an answer.
I dont think thats a good idea, J oey. The only relatives of yours Ive
met are your brothers and that didnt go very well.
Thats only J ohn and Vinnie. Anthony was okay and Sal likes you. Im
sure everybody else will love you. Its a holiday and everyone will be in a
great mood. You wont believe how crazy it is with that crowd. There will
be so many people they may not even know youre there.
Okay, but Im counting on you to protect me.
You wont need any protecting, Ben.
I began to doubt my good idea when I told Mom in the morning.
I wish youd asked me before you invited him, J oey.
I know I should have but it was a last minute idea. I just found out he
was going to be alone on the holiday.
I suppose thats what happens when you live the kind of life he does.
No friends or family to depend on. He probably spends a lot of time alone.
Mom! He has a family but theyre away. And Im his friend.
Mom still wasnt agreeable. She shook her head. Besides, hes so
different. Everyone else here will be family.
So lets show him what a great family weve got. Hes not so different,
hell probably blend right in with our crowd.
But I already invited Angie. Now youre going to be spending your
time with this friend instead.
What! How can you complain about me inviting Ben? Shes not
family either.
Well, she almost is, and who knows?
I do, Ma, shes not family. I stopped. I just didnt want to get into it
again. So well just set two extra plates at the table. Unless youre afraid
you wont have enough food. I brought out my secret weapon.
What a thing to say, J oey! Me not having enough food! Nobody has
ever left my table hungry!
Then its settled.
*****
Ben
I was apprehensive about meeting all of J oeys family at once. The few
I had met already didnt like me. I also wasnt looking forward to being the
only stranger in a house with over 25 people. J oey stuck by my side from the
time I arrived at two. He introduced me first to his parents. His father
seemed pleasant but I could tell his mother was struggling to be nice as she
thanked me for the roses I had brought her at J oeys suggestion. J oey gave
me a tour of the house. It was a basic colonial with a living room, dining
room and kitchen downstairs, plus a large family room added onto the back.
Upstairs were three bedrooms and a bath.
How did your parents raise so many kids with only three bedrooms?
Donna Marie was in one and the three boys were in the other. Anthony
got married when I was two and Donna Marie the year after, so there was
plenty of room when I was growing up. By the time I was ten I was an only
child.
There was a table set for twelve in the dining room, and two tables in
the family room, one set for ten and one for the smaller kids. There were
kids everywhere and adults, too. I tried to avoid J ohn and Vinnie and they
seemed to like it that way. Anthonys oldest son, Tony (theyre not very
original with names), was a senior at Montclair State so we talked about
school for a while. He said he had some gay friends there and was a member
of the GSA. J ohn and Vinnie both made sure their kids didnt get too close
to me which was fine with me since I preferred to avoid kids anyway. Angie
arrived just as we were about to sit down to eat. She was surprised to see me
there but was pleasant toward me, though a bit stiff.
J oey had arranged for us to sit in the dining room with his parents,
Anthony and his wife Gina, Sal and Donna Marie and a few of the older
kids. My friends J ohn and Vinnie and their wives and the rest of the kids
were in the family room. J oey sat between me and Angie, with me on his left
next to his mother. Mrs. Napoli said grace and everyone starting passing the
food around the table. J oey was holding Connor on his lap and Angie
offered to take him to help him feed the baby.
Actually, I think it might be easier if Ben holds him. Since Im right
handed it would be a better angle for me to get at Connors mouth.
I looked at J oey as if he were nuts. While I was fascinated by the boy
and was warming up to him, I hadnt yet gotten up the courage to actually
touch him. It was silly but I was afraid I might break him. Id never touched
a baby before. J oey knew that but picked him up anyway and sat him
sideways on my lap. I very tentatively put my left arm around him to hold
him in place. Connor twisted his head and looked up to see who was holding
him. He looked puzzled for a second and then smiled. Loo!
Thats it, Connor! You remembered! I laughed, bent down and kissed
him on the forehead. The table had suddenly become quiet and I looked up
to see everyone staring at me. I quickly explained about trying to teach
Connor Lulas name. Pretty soon everyone was eating and talking. I tried to
make conversation with J oeys mom but she wasnt very talkative, to me at
least. Angie was mostly talking to J oey but occasionally tried to include me
in the conversation.
So what nationality is Donnelly, Ben?
Im Irish, Angie, on both sides. My mothers family name is Malone.
So youre Catholic, then.
Yep, I was even an altar boy.
Mrs. Napoli finally spoke to me. I dont know how you can consider
yourself a Catholic with your lifestyle.
Ma!
Well, J oey, we all know the Churchs position on homosexuality.
Yes, Mrs. Napoli, but there are plenty of Catholics who disagree with
the Church on lots of issues. Not just homosexuality, but divorce, birth
control, abortion, the death penalty. The Church makes the rules but they
know that people are going to make their own decisions.
Well, its still wrong.
Ma, thats enough! Ben is my guest.
Mr. Napoli came to the rescue and changed the subject. So, Ben, Joey
tells us youre an accountant. What do you specialize in, personal tax
returns?
Actually, my department works for small businesses, those that are too
big for a bookkeeper to handle everything, but too small to have their own
accounting department. Who does your books at the nursery?
Ive had the same bookkeeper for thirty years and an outside CPA who
helps her with the taxes. J oey takes care of the payroll. Its a lot of work.
It sure is. If it gets to be too much you should give me a call. Im sure
we could make things a lot easier for you.
Thanks, Ben, but everything is working out okay so far.
After dinner I tried to help with the cleanup but it was hard avoiding
J ohn and Vinnie and their families. I didnt feel very comfortable around
Mrs. Napoli or Donna Marie either. Moving through the house was like
trying to get through a minefield. At least Mr. Napoli, Anthony and Sal were
okay. I had been talking to Sal in the family room for a while and decided to
go look for J oey. The food had been good and of course being with J oey had
been great, but it had been pretty tense all afternoon and I thought maybe it
was time to leave. J oey was in the living room talking to J ohn. I overheard
part of their conversation as I walked up behind them.
I cant believe you let Connor sit on that perverts lap, J oey. He
probably had a hard-on the whole time he was holding him.
Do you hear the nonsense coming out of your mouth, J ohn? Youre
disgusting.
Whats disgusting is the way that queer looks at you. If you dont care
about yourself you should at least watch out for your son.
J oey turned to walk away from J ohn and practically ran into me. He
looked horrified when he realized Id overheard the conversation.
Oh God, Im sorry, Ben. He can be a real jerk.
Dont worry about it, J oey. Ive heard worse. Im used to it. But I do
think that maybe its time for me to go. It was a nice meal and some of your
family are nice, but I think my presence is stressing out the rest of them. Its
better if I leave.
We found his parents and I thanked them for dinner. J oey walked me
out to the car.
Well, it wasnt as bad as it could have been, J oey, but weve got a lot of
work ahead of us with that crew.
Yeah, if theyre this bad when they think were just friends, I cant
imagine what coming out to them is going to be like, but its something I
have to face up to sooner or later.
*****
Joey
After I went back inside I hung out with Angie but after while I
pretended to have a headache and took Connor upstairs to lie down. I was
pissed at several members of my family and being around them didnt help.
Around seven oclock I got Connor ready for bed and put him in his crib. I
went downstairs and found Gina and told her I was going for a ride. I didnt
feel like talking to Mom. I needed some fresh air and some time away from
everyone.
I just drove around for a half hour or so fuming over some of the things
my family had said to Ben. Without planning it I found myself in Florham
Park heading toward his house.
*****
Ben
I let Lula out when I got back from J oeys, poured myself a brandy and
sprawled on the couch in the family room. I sipped my drink and thought
about the dinner. Homophobia aside, it had been an interesting experience.
J oeys family was amazingly large, especially compared to my own. Even
though they lived in separate houses, they really were one huge close
immediate family. Everyone knew everyone elses business. There seemed
to be no privacy and no secrets. The funny thing, from my point of view
anyway, was that no one seemed to care. They knew each other inside and
out and accepted and loved each other. I couldnt help but wonder if that
was only because everyone did what they were supposed to. They all
followed some unspoken rules so they all fit together. I could see how they
reacted to me, someone who had a different background and lifestyle,
someone who didnt follow their rules. How would they react to J oey when
they found out about him? Which would win out-their close family ties or
their suspicion and dislike of a different culture?
I must have dozed off on the couch because the next thing I heard was
the doorbell. I felt a little groggy and disoriented. By the time I got to my
feet the bell rang again. I went through the kitchen into the entrance area and
looked through the peephole in the door. J oey was standing there, looking a
bit agitated. I opened the door and stared at him, not quite sure he was real.
What are you doing here? Shouldnt you be home with your family?
I think I ODd on family today, the first time thats ever happened. Can
I come in?
Of course. Get your beautiful butt in here.
As soon as he was in I closed the door and pulled him into my arms and
kissed him. Nothing too passionate, just a warm, heart-felt welcome. I led
him into the family room, stopping to refill my brandy snifter and getting a
glass for J oey as well. We sat on the couch, clinked our glasses in silent
toast and sipped.
Im really sorry about today, Ben. I didnt want you to be alone and
wanted to spend the day with you so bad, plus I always have such a good
time when Im surrounded by my family and I wanted to share that with
you. But they all behaved so badly. Ive never seen my mother be rude to a
guest like that.
I told you before to forget it, J oey. They really werent that bad. My
only concern is how theyre gonna react when they find out about you.
I know its going to be hard but somehow well all get through it. I
dont want to talk about that right now though. I just want to be with you. It
was torture having you near me all afternoon and not being able to touch
you.
He took another sip of the brandy, put the glass down and leaned over to
kiss me. I could taste and feel the remains of the warm tingly fluid in his
mouth. We kissed for a while, lying side by side on the couch, pressed
against each other. I let my hands run all over his upper body. He slowly
unbuttoned my shirt and ran his fingers lightly over my chest and abdomen.
I followed his lead and opened his shirt, tweaking his right nipple. He
gasped and shoved his tongue deeper into my mouth.
This was a first for us. Up until now wed had plenty of hot make-out
sessions, but all fully clothed. I let my hands run all over his hard chest and
stomach, loving the feel of his smooth skin and the firm muscles
underneath. I could feel our erections pressing into each other though our
pants. Since J oey had made the first move I decided to take a chance and
push it a little further. I reached my hand down between us and rubbed the
hard bulge in his pants, then gave it a bit of a squeeze. He let out a moan that
seemed to come from deep within him. I moved my hand up a bit and
fumbled with his belt, finally getting it loosened, then unbuttoned his pants
and pulled the zipper down. All the while J oey was kissing me fiercely. I
took that as an okay to go further. I reached into his open pants and felt his
hard-on through his boxers. He felt huge. Id never cared one way or the
other about size and hadnt really tried to imagine what J oey would be like
but this felt very long and very thick. I ran my hand up and down the shaft,
feeling the heat through the cotton of his shorts. J oey was really getting into
it, bucking his body against mine. I was sure my lips would be bruised the
way he was kissing me but I didnt care. I grabbed the head of his dick in my
hand and gave it a squeeze. At that, J oeys entire body stiffened and his dick
started pulsing in my hand. I felt the warm wetness spread through the
material of his boxers. He was moaning and groaning into my mouth with
each spurt. At last his orgasm subsided and I felt his body relax in my arms.
His head fell away from mine and he had a glassy look in his eyes. It took a
minute for him to recover.
Oh man, that was incredible, Ben. It felt so great but I didnt mean for
it to happen so quickly. I wanted to make it last.
Dont worry about it, J oey. You obviously had a lot of passion built up
inside you. Right now I think wed better get you out of those wet things.
His eyes widened a bit as I got up from the couch and took his hand,
pulling him up after me. Without a word we walked hand in hand down the
hall to the bedroom. Once in the room we stood facing one another and
kissed again. I pushed J oeys shirt back over his shoulders and let it drop to
the floor behind him. He did the same to mine and his pants fell down
around his ankles as well when he let go of them to work on my shirt. I
unfastened my pants and let them go so we matched. We stood looking into
each others eyes for a minute.
Are you ready for more, J oey?

Chapter Ten
Ben
Are you ready for more, J oey?
He smiled and nodded. His sweet smile alone nearly made me cum in
my shorts. I knelt in front of him and pulled his shoes and socks off his feet,
then removed the pants from around his ankles. I reached up and took hold
of the waistband of his boxers and slowly pulled them down, being careful
where the mess hed made stuck to him a bit. When I had removed them I
looked up at the beautiful naked man in front of me. J oey looked down at
me, smiling a bit nervously. His body was even better than I remembered it
from that first day in the backyard. Small, compact, muscular and defined.
My eyes ran down his torso and locked onto his cock. It was swollen but not
quite hard. I wanted to clean up the gooey mess with my tongue but I
thought that might freak him out so I got up, kicked off my pants and went
into the bathroom for a towel. He was still standing in the same spot when I
got back. I had him sit on the edge of the bed and lie back, then knelt on the
floor in front of him again and gently cleaned him.
After Id finished mopping up, I wrapped my arms around his hips and
buried my face in his groin, nuzzling his balls with my nose. I was so horny
and wanted to do so much with him, but for that moment I was content to
just be with J oey, to inhale his scent, to feel his heat. Yes, there was a now
fully hard cock and two large smooth balls in my face, but it was J oey, thats
what mattered. After a bit I felt the bed move a little and I looked up. J oey
had propped himself up on his elbows and was looking down at me, smiling.
You gonna spend the whole night on the floor? How about joining me
up here?
I didnt need a second invitation. I stood up, pulled off my shorts and
climbed onto the bed next to J oey. I kissed him and pressed my body against
his. He held me and ran his hands up and down my back, lightly tickling me.
For a while we just made out, humping our dicks into each other, but even
just doing that took me right to the edge so I pulled away and began
worshipping J oeys body with my mouth, kissing, licking and nibbling him
from head to toe. His body was so fine and I couldnt get enough of it.
Apparently from the sound of his moans he was enjoying it, too. He rolled
me over onto my back and returned the favor, copying my moves with a few
of his own thrown in.
When he got down to my crotch he seemed a bit tentative so I swiveled
around so that we were in a sixty-nine position. I led the way, licking his
shaft and sucking on his balls and he followed. I finally took his head into
my mouth and ran my tongue around it. He did the same to me. While his
dick wasnt actually as huge as it had originally felt, it was at least an inch
longer than mine and much thicker. As I went down on the shaft it was the
thickness that gave me a little problem so I contented myself with sucking
on as much as I could and stroking the base. J oey was making a valiant
effort to swallow his first cock but settled into the same routine as me,
sucking on about half and stroking the rest. I couldnt decide which was
better, feeling J oey in my mouth or knowing the hot mouth on my dick was
his. I felt the pressure building up inside me but didnt want it all to end so
soon. I wasnt sure J oey was ready but I knew what I wanted and just had to
try.
I sat up, turned around and had J oey lie on his back. I lay on top of him
and kissed him a while, then I pulled back and sat astride his hips, my hard
dick lying on top of his. I wrapped both hands around the two organs and
squeezed them together while looking down into Joeys beautiful brown
eyes.
I want you to make love to me, J oey. He looked a little confused. I
reached over to the nightstand, pulled open the drawer and took out a
condom and some lube. His eyes widened with understanding.
Are you sure, Ben? I dont want to hurt you.
Im very sure. Dont worry, you wont hurt me. I smiled down on
him.
I ripped open the condom wrapper and unrolled the rubber over his
thick cock, then applied a generous amount of lube to it. I reached around
behind me and lubed up my ass, using a finger to loosen up my hole a bit. As
I inched forward to get into position, J oey grabbed my dick and pulled me
all the way up to his face, then sucked my rod into his mouth. I leaned over
his head and let him work on my cock for a minute before pulling off and
moving my butt back toward his throbbing organ.
Enough foreplay, baby. I want you to love me. I nearly bit my tongue
as that slip came out. Id meant to say make love but deep down I knew
that I wanted J oey to love me. He appeared to be too wrapped up in the
passion of the moment to notice my slip.
I positioned the head of his cock at my pucker and slowly sat back,
impaling myself on him, never taking my eyes off his. J oey gasped as he
entered me. I gasped as well. He felt even thicker than he looked. While I
was far from being a virgin, it had been a while, so I went slow, letting my
hole adjust to the invasion of his thick pole. Finally I was sitting on his
pubes with his shaft completely buried up inside me. I leaned over and
kissed him, gently at first, then more and more passionately. I could feel him
get into it as he began thrusting his hips up into me. I lifted myself off him
and then sat again, slowly fucking myself on his dick. Once we were both
used to the sensation I stopped kissing him.
Okay, time for you to do more than just lie there. Im not going to do
all the work, I teased.
Very carefully, I rolled over, pulling J oey with me, keeping his cock
lodged inside me, until I was on my back and he was lying on top of me. I
wrapped my legs around his hips and pulled him tightly into me. He got the
idea and slowly pulled almost completely out of me before sliding all the
way back in. He began gently pumping into me, his thrusts gradually getting
faster and harder. We never took our eyes off each other. It was a connection
every bit as real as that of his cock in my butt. I knew I wasnt going to be
able to hold out very long. I had been waiting a long time for this and now
that it was happening it was so much more intense than just physical
pleasure. I grabbed my own dick and began stroking it. In no time I was
shooting streams of cum all over my chest and stomach. As I did, J oey
stopped thrusting and I felt him swell inside me as he began to fill the
condom deep inside me. When he had finished, he literally collapsed on top
of me. We just lay there trying to catch our breath for a few minutes and
then kissed. He slowly withdrew from me and we wrapped our arms and
legs around each other and cuddled. I knew that lying in J oeys arms was
right where I wanted to be.
*****
Joey
When Ben led me into his bedroom I wasnt sure exactly what was
going to happen. Id already exploded in my shorts just from him touching
me. I knew that he must want more but I wasnt sure I was up to it. One
orgasm at a time had always been my limit. Once we were undressed and in
bed I knew I was also ready for more, I just wasnt sure what to do. Ben took
the lead and I followed, copying his moves. In no time I was into it,
following my own instincts. Becky had said to just do what I wanted, to do
what felt good, and I knew I wanted Ben like Id never wanted anyone
before. Everything he did to me made me want to scream in ecstasy. I hoped
what I was doing to him made him feel as good.
When he asked me to make love to him I was concerned that I might
hurt him. I knew that guys did that but I found it hard to believe it was
physically possible. I also knew that Id loved looking at his butt since the
first time I saw him so I was willing to give it a try if he was. Once we
started I needed no further coaxing. I was trying to be gentle but Ben was
into it as much as I was, if not more. I dont think Ive ever had as draining
an orgasm as that one inside of him. It literally took everything out of me. I
lay holding him afterward, thinking about what he had said at one point.
Hed said that he wanted me to love him. At that moment, I knew that I did.
The next thing I knew Ben was gently shaking my shoulder. Joey,
wake up, youve got to go home. I looked around, totally disoriented. We
fell asleep. That was quite a workout we had.
Yeah, it sure was. What time is it?
A little after two. Id love for you to spend the night but I know you
cant. Its late enough as it is.
Yeah, Id better get going. I hate to leave you, though. We both got up
and Ben threw on a robe while I got dressed. We shared a long kiss
goodnight at the door and I was on my way. I snuck into the house as quietly
as possible and slipped into my room. Connor was sound asleep and only
wiggled slightly when I gave him a little kiss. I undressed again and got into
bed, thinking about all that Ben and I had done. Id never actually fantasized
about being with a guy but Ben was certainly everything I could have
wanted and more. He was just so beautiful, not just his body, but who he
was.
I was expecting an interrogation when I brought Connor down to the
kitchen for breakfast in the morning and Mom didnt disappoint me. At least
she waited until I had Connor settled in his high chair and Id taken a sip of
coffee.
So where did you disappear to last night?
I went out for a drive. I had to get away for a while. I was a little
overwhelmed by the family and was also a little annoyed with the way
everyone treated Ben. I said everyone but I gave her a direct look as I did.
She ignored it.
You were out late. You couldnt have been driving all that time.
I wasnt. I ended up over at Bens house.
Mom frowned. You cant just run out whenever you want, you know.
Youve got responsibilities. She nodded at Connor.
I put him to bed before I went out and I told Gina I was going. The
whole family was here. You make it sound like I abandoned Connor.
What were you doing at his house until three in the morning? You
never stay out that late.
Were you waiting up for me?
No, but knowing that you were out I didnt sleep very soundly,
keeping an ear out for Connor in case he woke up. I heard you come in.
Not that its any of your business but Ben and I had a brandy and
talked for a while and then we both dozed off. I guess it had been a long
stressful day for both of us. I focused on feeding Connor so she wouldnt
detect that I was leaving a little something out of the evening between the
talking and the dozing.
I dont see why you want to spend so much time with that man. Youve
got nothing in common with someone like him. Mom just wasnt going to
let up. I was sure wed be having a much happier discussion if Id been with
Angie until the middle of the night.
Hes a great guy and a lot of fun to be with, Mom. Hes bright, hes
funny, hes interesting. You would have noticed that yesterday if youd
made an effort to get to know him, if you werent so blinded by prejudice.
The way he lives his life is wrong, J oey. Thats not prejudice, thats a
fact.
What does it matter who he loves? Its really nobody elses business.
Then he should keep it to himself. Why does he have to tell
everybody?
Why not? Everybody else talks about their privates lives. Why
shouldnt he? It just shouldnt matter so much, thats all.
I dont know where youre getting these crazy ideas, J oey. I think
youre spending too much time around him and his friends.
Im old enough to know who I want to spend time with, Ma. J ust drop
it.
Mom left the room and I ate my breakfast and fed Connor. The intensity
of her anti-gay feelings surprised me. I had attributed John and Vinnies
homophobia to the bit of macho swagger in their general life attitudes. They
werent bad guys; they just had this fixation on old-fashioned male/female
roles and their own masculinity. Id expected Mom and Pop to be somewhat
anti-gay, given their ages and the culture theyd grown up in, but I was sure
that once they met Ben theyd like him. Pop seemed to be giving Ben a
chance but Mom was worse than ever. I could see there were going to be
problems when it came time for me to tell them about myself.
*****
Ben
I woke up Friday morning with a smile on my face. I was humming as I
put on the coffee and let Lula out. She looked at me as if aliens had taken
over my usual grumpy morning self. I couldnt stop thinking about J oey and
the night before. It wasnt just that the sex was fantastic. God knows Id
been horny and wanting Joeys body for months, but it was so much more
than that. I felt that wed successfully moved up to the next stage in our
relationship. Id been afraid of how hed react to actually having a sexual
experience with me. Maybe hed realize he wasnt really gay. Maybe the
whole thing would overwhelm him and hed freak out and back off. But
even though we hadnt had a chance to talk afterwards, I sensed that the
evening had brought us much closer together.
I had the long weekend off from work so I spent the morning on chores,
cleaning the house and paying bills. After lunch I was still thinking about
J oey so I decided to take a ride over to the nursery. Id only been there once,
on a Saturday in September and the place had been packed with customers
then, but it was very quiet when I got there. Mr. Napoli was behind the
counter.
Hello Ben, nice to see you again. I hope you enjoyed yourself
yesterday.
I sure did, sir. Youve got a great family and your wife is a fantastic
cook. Please thank her again for me.
I will. Im glad you could join us. I assume youre looking for J oey.
Hes in the office. He pointed to a door in the back.
I knocked lightly on the door and opened it. The office was a large room
with three desks, a large table and a few file cabinets. J oey was seated at a
desk and Vinnie was leaning against another. They both turned to look at
me. J oey beamed and Vinnie scowled. Vinnie muttered something to J oey
and walked out, passing me without a word. J oey got up, crossed the room,
closed the door and gave me a big hug.
What a nice surprise! Ive been thinking about you all day.
Good thoughts, I hope.
The best. I wish I could have spent the night.
Me too, but I know you have to get home to Connor. It was nice
waking up with you in the night, though. Id love to be able to do that more
often.
Same here. Well have to work on that. And maybe do a little more of
the stuff that came before we fell asleep, too.
Maybe? What do you mean, maybe?
J ust kidding. After last night I dont think Ill ever be able to get
enough of you, Ben.
Thats just what I wanted to hear. I was a little afraid you might have
second thoughts after sleeping on it.
Yeah, Im having second, third and fourth thoughts and theyre all
about being with you again.
My thoughts exactly. How about coming over to my place for dinner
tonight?
I owe you a meal. It wont be too romantic, though. Ive already asked
Becky.
Thats fine, Ben. You know I love to hang out with both of you. Is it
okay if I bring Connor?
Of course, you dont ever have to ask that. Hes a sweetheart and I love
seeing him. I never thought Id talk that way about a kid. Generally I
preferred to stay as far away from them as possible.
Great, I know he loves Lula and I think hes getting fond of you, too.
Itll be a fun, comfortable evening. We dont have to have sex every time we
get together though I do want to try it again sometime soon.
J oeys actions showed me he meant it. He backed me up against the
door and kissed me, pressing his body up against mine. I had no objections.
I returned his kiss and felt his growing erection poking into mine. After a
minute I used all of my willpower to push him away.
Lets not start what we cant finish, J oe. Somebody could walk in any
moment.
Youre right, but I wish you werent. How about I give you a tour of
the place? That should cool us off.
Sure, but lets try to avoid Vinnie. Hes more than cool; hes ice cold.
Oh, ignore him. He and John will come around eventually. Anthony
and Sal like you.
Yeah, well, Im not gonna hold my breath.
He showed me around the shop and the greenhouses in the back. There
didnt seem to be much happening.
Looks like this is a slow time for the business.
Yeah, next week it will pick up again with Christmas trees, wreaths,
poinsettias and other holiday stuff. Then we hit the really slow time for a
couple of months. Most of our employees are part-time or summer help so
were pretty much down to the family now.
What about the landscaping business? What happens to all of those
guys?
Some are college kids working for the summer. Most of the others are
from Central America and they go home for the winter. Right now were
keeping busy with leaves and fall clean-up. In the winter all we have is snow
plowing and that depends on the weather. Are you signed up for that?
Im not sure. Sal mentioned it last summer but I dont remember if I
made a decision on it.
Id better make sure for you. I dont see you out in a blizzard with a
snow shovel.
Hey, I can do some physical things, you know.
Yeah, you showed me last night, but thats indoor activity.
Okay, you take care of the outdoor stuff and Ill take care of the indoor
stuff.
Sounds like a plan to me.
*****
Joey
When I got to Bens he and Becky were in the kitchen, preparing the
meal. I offered to help but Ben shooed me into the family room.
You cooked on Halloween, now its my turn, not that its much. Ive
got steaks marinating ready to go on the grill out back and potatoes baking
in the oven. Like I said, basic meat and potatoes. Im steaming some veggies
and Becky is just finishing up the salad.
I took Connor into the family room and put him on the floor with Lula.
They greeted each other like old friends. As I sat on the loveseat I noticed
the dining room table was already set. Becky came in carrying two glasses
of red wine and handed me one. I took a sip.
Nice merlot.
Yeah, and I didnt have to take Angie out to get it this time. How are
things going with her? Youre not still leading that poor girl on, are you,
J oey?
I wasnt ever leading her on, at least I didnt mean to. Im still seeing
her on Saturdays but I bring Connor along now so she doesnt think its a
date.
If you dont want her to think its a date you might try seeing her on
another night. Saturday pretty much says date to most women.
Maybe youre right. I hadnt thought of it that way.
Ben came in carrying a platter of steaks in one hand and a glass of wine
in the other. He set the glass down in front of the loveseat, leaned over and
kissed me and then went out the sliding doors to the patio. He was back in a
minute.
Isnt it a bit cold to barbeque?
Well, its too cold to eat outside but cooking out there only takes a few
minutes. He sat next to me, took a gulp of wine and kissed me again. So
how are ya, babe? I missed you.
You just saw me four hours ago at the nursery. Weve seen more of
each other the past two days than any time since we met. How could you be
missing me?
He shrugged. I just am. I cant get enough of you. He kissed me again.
Becky had been watching us from her chair across coffee table, her eyes
narrowed, jumping back and forth from one of us to the other. All of a
sudden she sat up straight.
You guys did it, didnt you? You fucked!
Ben blushed. I put my hand on his thigh and squeezed and turned to
Becky. We made love, Becky.
Yeah, Beck, fuck is such a crude word.
Seems to me Ive heard it come out of your mouth a few thousand
times, Ben, but youre right, I dont think it applies to you two. She raised
her glass to us. Congratulations. I hope its just the first of many.
Oh, you dont have to worry about that, Beck. Im never letting this
guy go. With that he kissed me again, a little more passionately with a lot
more tongue.
Ben went out to get the steaks off the grill while Becky and I brought
the rest of the food out from the kitchen. As we began to eat Ben and I told
her about the holiday dinner at my parents house. Ben again tried to make
light of the way J ohn, Vinnie and Mom had treated him but I could tell it
bothered him a bit. I hadnt told him about my talk with Mom over breakfast
and didnt want to. I decided to change the subject.
How was your Thanksgiving, Becky? You said your sister and her
family were going to be there?
Yeah, they came down from Rochester and are spending the weekend
with my parents.
How is dear Nicole?
As big as a house, Ben. Shes not due for another three weeks but she
looks like shes about to explode. And her hormones have her in a foul
mood. You should have been there. It would have been so much fun.
Thank God I wasnt, shes in a bad enough mood around me without
the hormonal surges.
Why doesnt she like you, Ben? Youre so sweet I cant imagine
someone disliking you.
Ben never told you how we met, J oey?
I looked over at Ben. He looked a little uncomfortable. Not exactly, he
just said youd been friends since college.
Well, he was a freshman at Montclair State. So was Nicole. I was a
senior in high school. Nicole was Bens one and only attempt at
heterosexuality.
You went out with a girl? My voice nearly squeaked in surprise.
Am I such a big queen that you find that so hard to believe?
No, youre all guy as far as Im concerned. Its just that being gay
seems to be such an integral part of who you are. I cant imagine you in any
other context.
Well, its not like I was really trying to be straight. I hadnt come out
and was actually trying to pretend I was asexual but then my best friend
started dating Nicoles best friend, so we sort of got pushed together.
Fortunately, she was a good Catholic girl so I wasnt under any pressure to
do anything physical with her.
So you just kind of hung out together and called it dating?
Pretty much. She was the perfect girlfriend for a closeted gay boy until
one night when we both got drunk at a frat party and we ended up back at
my dorm room. She got pretty passionate and we both got more than a little
carried away. I decided to see if maybe I could function heterosexually.
And?
Well, not to go into any details, but it worked and I think we both
pretty much enjoyed it. But afterwards it just seemed so empty, like
something was missing. I tried to back off after that because I didnt want to
lead her on but she was thinking in the opposite direction, like our having
sex was one step away from getting married.
Then you met your football player. Though Becky was obviously
familiar with the story she was enjoying hearing it. I wasnt sure what to
think. I couldnt imagine an 18 year-old Ben, not yet out, trying to be
straight.
Yeah, one night a couple of weeks later, Nicole went into the city with
her girlfriends and I went to a party alone. I drank too much again and got
picked up by a defensive tackle. We went back to his room and lets just say
he didnt leave me feeling empty.
And so you came out?
I didnt mean to, J oey. I mean, Id known all along I was gay and the
two sexual experiences proved that in my mind, but I still wasnt thinking
about telling anyone. Like I said, I tried to cool things off with Nicole but
she got pissed. She thought I was trying to dump her because all Id been
interested in was taking her virginity, that once I got that I didnt want her.
Damn, she was a virgin?
We both were, J oe. Anyway, I thought that maybe she wouldnt feel so
bad if I told her I was gay, that it was me that was the problem, not her. It
only made things worse, though. She accused me of using her to try to prove
to myself that I wasnt gay. Maybe she had something there, but I really
hadnt wanted to hurt her. She was very hurt, though, and ended up telling
everyone that I was gay. So I was out whether I wanted to be or not.
So how did that make you and Ben friends, Becky? Id think it would
have been just the opposite.
Well, you have to understand Nicole and I had a tremendous sibling
rivalry going, being only eleven months apart in age and both being natural
bitches. When I first met Ben I automatically disliked him because he was
Nicoles boyfriend, but once hed taken her virginity, dumped her and come
out, he was my hero. Weve been buddies ever since.
Ooh, youre cruel, Becky.
Nicole and I have gotten along fine for years now but even though she
has a great husband and two, almost three kids, she still has a bit of a grudge
against Ben.
He was her first love. I guess you cant blame her.
I know I didnt treat her right, and Ive apologized a hundred times, but
I think she just enjoys playing the role of victim. I know she never really
loved me.
An idea popped into my head and Ben must have seen something in my
face.
What are you thinking, J oey?
I was just wondering how Id react if after last night you told me that
you were straight.
Both Ben and Becky cracked up. Ben got up, leaned over and kissed
me.
I dont think you have to worry about that, babe.

Chapter Eleven
Joey
Ben called me twice at work on Saturday, just to say hi. Both times he
left me with a smile that lasted an hour. I thought that maybe I would be the
one a little uncertain about things after wed made love Thursday night, and
I was I guess, but Ben was so sweet and nervous. He was the guy with all the
experience and he just wanted to make sure I was still okay with what wed
done.
That night it was dinner with Angie at the diner again, as usual. Id
thought about trying to change the night as Becky suggested, but it had
become a routine for us. I wasnt sure how to change it without making
Angie wonder what was going on. She suggested going to Angelos but I
was beginning to think of the tavern more and more as a special place for
Ben and me so I didnt want to go there with anyone else. Besides, the diner
had a baby seat for Connor, which was the excuse I actually used.
Youre sure in a good mood tonight, J oey. You must have enjoyed the
holiday.
Yeah, it was a nice dinner. It was especially nice that both you and Ben
could join us. I couldnt very well mention Ben without mentioning her as
well. After all, they were the only two non-family members at the dinner.
I had a great time. Thank you so much for inviting me. I love spending
time with your family.
Oh, youre welcome. I hadnt exactly been the one who invited her,
but...
Its too bad your family didnt take to Ben very well. I dont think he
had a very good time.
Oh, he was fine. Im sure once everyone gets to know him a little better
theyll like him. It was the first time my parents had met him.
Maybe, but Im not so sure about some of them. I had a great time
though. Say, I just had an idea. Why dont you come to my parents house
for dinner on Christmas? You know everybody and I know theyd love to
see you.
Uh, thanks, Angie, but I dont think that would work. My mother
would probably kill me if I didnt spend Christmas at home. Thats a huge
family day for us.
Oh, Im sure she wouldnt mind if you wanted to spend it with me. I
was pretty sure she wouldnt either, but no way was that going to happen.
I dont know about that. Besides, I like Connor to be with the family
on holidays.
Well, think about it. You could bring Connor along. There would be
plenty of other times hed see the family over the holidays. Ill suggest it to
your mother when I see her at the salon and see what she says.
These two women just wouldnt take no for an answer. I was going to
have to be more firm about this.
*****
Ben
Becky and I went to brunch on Sunday. I invited J oey but he said he
thought he should have dinner with his parents. Hed been at my place on
Friday and went out with Angie on Saturday so he thought it was time for
another day with the family. As much as I wanted to see him again, I also
wanted to be able to talk with Becky about him so it worked out okay. I did
call him a couple of times during the day, though.
You have really got it bad, boy.
What do you mean? Becky had been staring at me across the table
ever since wed sat down.
That silly grin on your face ever since you hung up the phone before
we left the house. I havent seen you this happy in years, maybe ever.
Youre crazy about him, arent you?
Yeah, Beck, I am. I know we decided to go slow and just let the
relationship develop at its own speed, but Ive fallen hopelessly in love with
him. I dont even know when it happened.
This wouldnt happen to have anything to do with a hot roll in the hay
the other night, would it?
You know Ive been around long enough not to confuse sex with love,
Beck, but I guess thats when I realized it. Being with Joey like that was just
so right. Ive never felt connected to anyone like this before. I love him, its
that simple.
Well, Im not surprised. I know you pretty well and Ive seen this
coming for a while. Have you told him how you feel?
No way! I was nervous enough about having sex with him, that maybe
I was pushing things too fast. I cant tell him this. I dont want to scare him
off.
I dont think you have to worry about that, Ben. Obviously I dont
know J oey anywhere near as well as I know you but I think he probably
feels the same way toward you. Hes the kind of guy who only has sex when
hes in love. Hes not a slut like you.
Thanks a lot, bitch.
As Dame Edna says, I meant it in the nicest possible way.
Yeah, you always do. I know J oey likes me a lot, but Im really
nervous about rushing things. This is all so new for him. Besides, there are
going to be all kinds of complications, too. His family is going to be a major
problem. I keep wondering how were going to deal with them, how hes
going to deal with them. And then theres Connor. Im crazy about the little
guy, but he sure makes for another complication. Ive never exactly been
parent material you know.
Whoa, slow down, baby. In one breath youre talking about not
rushing things and in the next youre imagining all of these potential
problems.
I know my head is running out of control, but this is important stuff.
When things got serious with Paul and me, his parents were retired and
living in Florida and his sister was married and lived in Maryland. It didnt
really matter what they knew or what they thought of us. I have a couple of
friends whose parents went nuts when they came out. My friends were hurt
but they both moved out, dealt with it and got on with their lives. In both
cases, they eventually patched things up. But J oeys family is his whole life.
He lives with his parents, his mother takes care of Connor, his brothers are
his best friends, he even works for the family. Things have to work out
between them.
Becky caught the waiters eye and signaled for another round of drinks.
I think you definitely need another one, Ben. Relax. Right now the two
of you are just falling in love. Enjoy it, enjoy each other. This should be a
happy time for you both.
It is, Beck, and I am happy. Its just hard not to think about whats
next, what might happen.
I know. I understand what youre saying and how important it is, but
you dont have to solve these potential problems right now. They may not
even become problems. By the time J oeys family realizes you two are in
love they may have already seen how good you are for him, how happy you
make him. They may end up being a lot more accepting than you think.
Easy for you to say, you havent met them. But Ill try, Becky. Ill have
to admit that as much as all of this keeps nagging at the back of my mind,
that silly grin still pops up every time I even think of J oey.
*****
Joey
Sunday dinner was a much quieter affair than it had been Thursday. It
was just Pop, Mom, Connor and me. Pop didnt say much and Mom kept
talking about the holiday dinner so I focused on feeding Connor. I did try to
steer the conversation away from both Angie and Ben whenever Mom
started in on either of them, praising Angie, criticizing Ben. Afterwards, I
helped Mom clean up and then she went over to Donna Maries to help her
work on costumes for the childrens Christmas pageant at church. I joined
Pop in the living room to watch the Giants game.
I loved this little private time with Pop every week. Now and then one
or more of my brothers dropped in, but usually it was just the two of us. Our
conversations were almost entirely about the game, nothing personal, but
there was still something comforting about the time together. Pop and I
didnt need to talk to enjoy each others company. At halftime I took
Connor upstairs for his nap and then returned for the rest of the game. The
Giants had fallen behind in the first half and their offense never did get
started so the second half dragged. By the time the game was over Pop had
fallen asleep in his recliner.
I went up to the bedroom to check on Connor. He was still asleep so I
lay down on the bed. There was so much running through my head but I had
no one to talk to. Once again I wished that Angie could be the kind of friend
to me that Becky was to Ben. Unfortunately, it was becoming clear that she
wanted to be a very different kind of friend. For a while Id thought that if I
could make it perfectly clear to her that I wasnt interested in her
romantically we could just be good friends, but I wasnt even sure shed
accept my being gay. Her attitude toward Ben was somewhat neutral but
then she barely knew him, so that didnt give me a clue as to how shed react
about me.
Id really enjoyed my lunch with Becky the week before and talking to
her had helped me a lot. I thought that maybe I could talk to her one-on-one
more often, but I didnt want to put her in an awkward position. Shed
become a good friend to me but she was Bens best friend, his confidant. I
suddenly realized that over the past few months, Ben had become my best
friend. He was the one I should be talking to except he was the one I wanted
to talk about.
I had enjoyed making love with Ben more than I dreamed I would. The
sex certainly wasnt a problem and I knew I wanted to do that a lot more.
The problem was that I knew Id fallen in love with him. On the surface that
didnt seem to be a problem either. In fact, that morning in church Id
thanked God for blessing me with someone to love twice in my short life.
The hitch was that I didnt know how Ben felt about me. He was so much
more experienced in all of this, not just sexually, but in dating and
relationships. I didnt want to scare him off in case he hadnt fallen for me in
the same way. From what I had observed among my friends and
acquaintances, most guys seemed to enjoy relationships as long as they
didnt get too serious too fast. Lots of guys enjoyed dating and sex, but
panicked when the girl assumed it was love because theyd become
physically intimate. I knew that Ben had been with lots of guys he hadnt
come close to being in love with so I didnt want him to think I was a silly
kid, falling in love because wed had sex once.
My thoughts were interrupted by a cough and a gurgle from the crib. I
got up and checked on Connor. He looked up at me and smiled. I picked him
up and took him to the bed, piling pillows against the headboard so I could
sit with him. I sat him on my lap facing me and leaned in, rubbing noses
with him. He giggled and as I pulled away he grabbed at my nose.
Well kid, I hate to burden you with all of this but youre all Ive got.
Dont worry, you dont have to come up with any answers for me, just
listen.
I loved the way he looked at me when I talked to him like this. He
looked like he was trying so hard to understand me but wasnt quite getting
it. He kept trying though. I sometimes wondered if there wouldnt come a
day when something would click and suddenly he would know and
understand all of my innermost secrets.
I told him all about how I felt toward Ben and my dilemma about saying
anything.
You like Ben, dont you, son? I know, thats a silly question, you like
everyone. But I know you like Lula. I noticed a little glint of recognition in
his eye when I said the dogs name.
You know, Connor, if we lived with Ben, Lula would be your dog.
You could play with her all the time. I realized what I had just said. Live
with Ben? Man, I was really on fast-forward. Here I was afraid to tell him I
loved him and all of a sudden I was thinking about moving in with him. I
knew that if we both loved each other that would be a logical step, but that
was way down the road. And before that happened I would have to deal with
my family. That was something I didnt even want to think about for a long
time. I was beginning to get agitated, knowing that I was lost on a journey I
was totally unprepared for. Connor caught my attention with a sharp kick in
the stomach. I looked down at him and he giggled and tapped his foot on my
belly.
Youre right as usual, Connor. Baby steps. Thats what Ben and I
agreed on and thats the pace we have to take it. Theres no need to rush and
I dont have to find all of the answers at once. We took a huge leap forward
this past week but its time to slow down again. J ust relax, take it easy and
everything will work out, everything will fall into place. Baby steps.
*****
Ben
I think I spent more time hanging around J oeys team at bowling than
my own on Monday night. Anthony was friendly enough although J ohn and
Vinnie alternated between ignoring me and glaring at me. I dont know how
many times Scott or Mike had to come get me when it was my turn to bowl.
I didnt bowl especially well either as my mind wasnt on the game. It was
finally over and we went to Angelos. After we were settled in our booth
and Angelo brought our beers over we just sat and looked at each other for a
while. I know I could have looked into Joeys warm brown eyes all night.
So when are we going to get together again, Ben? Um, privately, I
mean.
You mean like last Thursday night?
Yeah, like that. He looked a bit embarrassed.
Well, Beckys coming over tomorrow night to watch TV. Youre
welcome to join us but that isnt the kind of night I think were talking
about. How about Wednesday?
No good. My nieces ballet class is having a performance. Im not
exactly looking forward to a group of nine year-old girls thumping around
the stage but I promised her Id go. Thursday?
I laughed. This is getting ridiculous. Im leaving work early Thursday
to pick up my mother and Sam at the airport. I dont know how long that
will take, since theyre coming in to J FK.
Then I guess its Friday. Well have to think of something special to
do.
Anything with you is special, J oey, but Ill come up with something
and let you know. I hesitated a minute before bringing up something that
had been worrying me all weekend. Um, I didnt go too fast or too far with
you last week, did I?
No, I wasnt sure just what I was ready for, but I really enjoyed
everything we did. I still think we should take it easy and not rush things,
but Im okay with where we are right now.
Good, Id intended to go much slower, building up to making love
sometime later when you were ready, but once we got started I got carried
away. I just dont want to fuck this up. I really want to get this right with
you, J oey.
Dont worry so much, Ben. So far youre perfect, everything is
perfect.
For the next hour or so we chatted about nothing in particular. What we
said wasnt important. J ust being with J oey was. When we left I walked him
to his car. He gave me a long hug goodbye. I knew better than to risk a kiss
in public in his hometown but since he had initiated the hug I returned it. He
got in the car and I felt a bit dreamy as I watched him drive off. I turned
toward my car and as I reached in my pocket for my keys I heard a harsh
voice behind me.
Hey faggot!
I tensed up and slowly turned, ready to make a break for the door of the
tavern. I relaxed when I saw J ohn and Vinnie coming across the parking lot
toward me.
Hi guys, what are you doing here?
J ust keeping an eye on our little brother. Youd better keep your filthy
hands off him. Theyd both obviously had a few drinks. I knew theyd been
drinking beer at the bowling alley earlier but theyd had more to drink since
then.
Oh cmon, fellas, he just hugged me. Thats the way J oey is. Ill bet he
hugs you two all the time.
Yeah, but we havent got perverted ideas about him.
This is really getting old, guys. Youre just gonna have to get used to
the fact that J oey likes me, that he and I are friends.
That seemed to set them off. They started in, telling me that they wanted
me to stay away from J oey, strongly implying Id regret it if I didnt. If it
had been anyone else who was hassling me in a parking lot late at night I
might have been concerned, but these were J oeys brothers. Id just had
Thanksgiving dinner with their family. They were talking tough but I had
trouble not laughing at their poor imitation of a scene out of some cheesy
gangster movie. I finally got tired of listening to them. I suppose it was
apparent from my attitude that I wasnt taking them seriously.
Sorry guys, but youre wasting your breath. I think youre gonna have
to accept that J oeys old enough to pick his own friends. J oey wants to be
with me as much as I want to be with him.
As soon as I said that I wished Id phrased it differently. I didnt mean
anything sexual about it but I knew what track their minds were running on.
I didnt want to out J oey to his brothers. I was preoccupied with that
thought and didnt even see Vinnie move until it was too late. The next thing
I knew his fist smashed into my mouth, the force spinning me around. I fell
to the pavement, banging the side of my face against the car as I went down.
Thats just a small taste of what youre in for if Vinnie or I ever see
you near J oey again. Stay away from him. Consider yourself warned. J ohn
gave me a kick in the side before he turned away.
J ohn and Vinnie walked away as I struggled to get up. My whole face
was stinging like hell. By the time I got into my car they had driven off. A
glance in the mirror showed blood all over my mouth. I grabbed a few
tissues and gently dabbed at it, soaking some of it up. The blood seemed to
be coming from a cut on my lower lip. I held the tissues against my lip and
drove home slowly, still dazed. I just couldnt believe Vinnie had hit me. Id
known from day one that they were homophobic but the intensity of their
feelings against me was startling. As I pulled up to the house I saw Beckys
car in the driveway. Fuck, what was she doing there? I wasnt in the mood to
see anyone just then.
I got out another tissue and cleaned myself up as well as I could, then
left the bloody tissues in the car when I went into the house. I guess my lip
was still bleeding because Becky noticed as soon as I walked into the house.
Damn, what happened to you? Were you attacked?
No, I just had a little accident. I slipped on a patch of ice and fell,
hitting my head. Its no big deal. I didnt want her to worry and hadnt
made up my mind if I wanted anyone to know what had actually happened.
Well see about that. Let me check you out. She led me into the
kitchen and turned on the bright overhead light. I sat while she gently
washed my face. She made up two ice packs, one for my mouth and one for
my right eye. The skin around it was already starting to darken.
What are you doing here at this time of night? I mumbled through the
ice pack.
Apparently the weekend trip down here wasnt a good thing for
Nicole. She went into labor this afternoon. Im heading up to Rochester to
take care of the kids while shes in the hospital. I stopped on my way to tell
you that Ill be away at least through the weekend.
Youre driving all night?
Yeah, its no big deal. I slept a few hours after I got the call. I should be
there first thing in the morning. Are you going to be okay?
Ill be fine, I just fell. Theres nothing for you to worry about.
Well, if youre sure. Id better get on the road.
Becky left and I put some fresh ice in the bags shed made up. I lay back
on the couch with the ice on my face and thought about what had happened.
All of a sudden, I wasnt sure about anything. Id known there would be
problems with J ohn and Vinnie but if they reacted this badly to us just being
friends, what would happen when they found out we were lovers? I wasnt
really worried about their threat. I could always avoid being around them.
But what about J oey? He couldnt avoid them and wouldnt want to. How
would they react when they found out their baby brother was gay?
*****
Joey
I left Angelos feeling even better than I had all weekend, if that were
possible. Id been a little concerned that Ben would interpret my decision to
start going slow again as backing off our relationship, of me maybe having
second thoughts. I was pleased to learn that he was as concerned as I was
about taking our time and getting it right. He seemed to be in this for the
long run as much as I was.
I didnt hear from him on Tuesday and I was tempted to call him in the
evening, but I knew that Becky would be at his house and this was their
evening together. Besides, after talking about taking things slow, I didnt
want to appear to be pushing. He didnt call on Wednesday either and I was
feeling a little down as I was getting ready for J anines dance recital. Ben
had spoiled me by paying so much attention over the weekend. It had only
been a few of days of him calling me over and over but I was used to it and
missed him.
Vinnies daughter Roseanne had offered to baby-sit since Mom and Pop
were going to the recital so I dropped Connor off on the way to Central
School. The performance wasnt bad I suppose, considering the age of the
dancers. I thought J anine was the best but maybe I was a little prejudiced.
After the show the family talked for a few minutes in the hall outside the
auditorium. J ohn and Carla were acting like the proud parents they were.
Their teenagers, Vito and April, were sulking, annoyed that theyd had to sit
through an evening devoted to little kids. Five-year-old Robbie was restless.
Hed squirmed in his seat through the whole show. J ohn invited us all back
to his house but I used picking up Connor as an excuse to get out of it. Id
decided to call Ben if I got home early enough. Besides, it was already past
Connors bedtime.
When I got to Vinnies place his wife Rita wanted to hear all about the
recital so I decided to stay for a little while. I was surprised to find my
fifteen-year-old nephew J ames on the floor of the living room playing with
Connor. Rosanne was nowhere in sight.
Wheres your sister?
Oh, one of her girlfriends called with a romantic crisis and she wanted
to go out so I volunteered to take over.
That was nice of you, J ames. Sorry if it messed up your evening.
No prob, Uncle J oey. I love this little guy. It was fun, though I dont
think Id want to do it every night.
J ust then Vinnie came in with a couple of beers so we sat and I told
them as much about the recital as I could remember, mostly emphasizing
how good Janine had been. When I finished my beer Vinnie offered another
but I turned him down.
Thanks, Vin, but Ive got to get Connor to bed and I wanted to call Ben
if it wasnt too late when I got in.
Vinnie scowled. I dont know why you want to hang around with that
fag. People are gonna start talking about you if they keep seeing you with
him.
I dont care what people think, Vinnie. Bens a great guy and a good
friend.
You should pay more attention to your reputation, bro. Remember,
everyone in this town knows you and youve got Connor to think about.
You dont want people gossiping behind your back.
I dont think people really care that much one way or the other, Vin.
I picked up Connor and his supply bag and said goodnight to everyone.
It had been a pleasant evening and I didnt want it to end on a bad note. I put
Connor to bed when I got home and called Ben. I was a little surprised when
his answering machine picked up. I looked at the clock. It was a little after
ten. Maybe hed run out to the store for something.
When the machine beeped, without thinking I sang the Stevie Wonder
line, I just called to say I love you. I immediately realized that I shouldnt
have said those three little words, so I laughed and tried to cover it up. Hey,
babe, I actually just got in from the ballet and called to say hi. Hope youre
having a great week. Catch you later.
I half-expected Ben would call me at work on Thursday but the whole
day went by and I didnt hear from him. I kept telling myself that I was
being silly missing him so much when wed just been together on Monday
and had tentative plans for Friday but I was still bummed out. I read for a
while after supper but at eight I picked up the phone and called him. Again,
I got the machine. I half expected it this time, knowing that he was picking
up his mother today.
Hey Ben, its me again. I know youre probably at your mothers but I
just wanted to hear your voice, even if it is a recording. Give me a call when
you get a chance so we can talk about tomorrow night. Bye for now.
After I hung up I considered trying his cell phone. At least I would get
through to him on that. But Id already left two messages. I didnt want to
sound as desperate to talk to him as I was. That wasnt exactly taking it
slow. I was still having trouble pacing myself with all of this. Maybe we
could talk about it some more over the weekend.

Chapter Twelve
Ben
When I looked in the mirror Tuesday morning my first thought was that
I wasnt leaving the house all week. The face looking back at me was too
ugly to show to the world. My lower lip was swollen and split just to the left
of center. Maybe Becky had been right. It looked like it was a big enough
cut to need stitches. It had stopped bleeding by itself though, so maybe it
would be okay. I just hoped it wouldnt leave a scar. The area surrounding
my right eye was various shades of red, blue and purple. Apparently, the ice
hadnt helped very much.
After letting Lula out I poured myself a cup of coffee and sipped it very
carefully, trying not to press the mug against my lip. Nearly as much coffee
was running down my chin as going into my mouth but I did manage to
swallow some. My first impulse when I had seen my face was to call in sick,
but as I woke up I realized that I didnt want to sit around the house alone all
day. I knew I had a lot to think about but I needed a little time for what had
happened the night before to sink in. Id never been hit before and I was still
in a bit of shock as well as a little pain. I had to decide what to do about J oey
and his family but maybe going to work and keeping my mind otherwise
engaged was a good idea for a couple of days until I could sort everything
out.
I went into the office and buried myself in work. My coworkers readily
accepted my story of falling and banging my head against the car and were
sympathetic. It wasnt really a story, thats what happened. I just lied about
the cause of my fall. That evening I stayed in and had a light dinner and lots
of wine. Becky called to see how I was feeling and to report that Nicole had
given birth to a healthy baby boy who they didnt name Benjamin. I didnt
pay much attention to the details. I didnt feel much like talking or listening
either. I told Becky that it hurt my mouth to talk (it did, a little) so she didnt
stay on the phone long. I went back to my wine and my brooding. I wasnt
doing much clear thinking. Every time I tried to think rationally about what
had happened and what it meant I kept seeing Vinnies fist coming at me.
By Wednesday evening my lip was feeling less sensitive but the area
around my eye looked darker and much worse. A guy in my office said hed
had a few black eyes and predicted mine would start fading in another day
or so. I stayed in with my wine again and this time tried to focus more on
J oeys relationship with his family. A little after ten the phone rang. I
assumed it was Becky but when I reached for it I saw J oeys number on the
caller ID. I poured myself another glass of wine and let the answering
machine get it. As much as I wanted to hear his voice I wasnt ready to talk
to him. I had no idea where my head was and after several glasses of wine I
was afraid Id say the wrong thing. I got a lump in my throat when I heard
him sing the Stevie Wonder line. Even though he was obviously just
kidding, hearing him say I love you hit me really hard.
Thursday I left work at lunchtime and drove to Kennedy airport to pick
up Mother and Sam. Even though the black eye looked a little better, Id
considered using makeup to try to cover it up. I decided that while makeup
might work from a distance, with the hugs and kisses of an airport reunion it
wouldnt hide anything. Mother was concerned about my injuries but I
assured her it looked worse than it was. Fortunately their flight was on time
so we were able to get around the Belt Parkway and across Staten Island
before rush hour traffic got too bad. Once Mother was convinced I was all
right she talked non-stop about their trip through Spain and Portugal. Sam
added a little something now and then but mostly his contribution to the
conversation was to agree with Mother when she prompted him. I didnt
hang around at their place long because they were tired from the flight and I
wasnt in a very social mood.
Not long after I got home the phone rang and I saw it was J oey again. I
knew he was probably wondering what was going on. Over the weekend Id
called him so many times. I couldnt help but smile as I thought of his voice
each time he picked up the phone. Now I hadnt called him in three days. I
listened as he left his message and then played it back several times, just to
hear more of his voice.
I sat with my wine and thought all evening. I didnt come up with any
answers, none that I liked anyway. Of course, the wine not only dulled the
pain I was feeling, mostly emotional by now, but slowed my thought
processes down as well. As I sipped a brandy nightcap I knew I was going to
have to do something on Friday since we had made tentative plans to get
together. I also knew the something wasnt going to be pleasant.
I dont think I got much work done on Friday. All week Id used my
work as an excuse to not think about J oey but he was all I thought about on
Friday. I knew I loved him. I wasnt sure if he loved me but I knew he cared
a great deal. I thought there was a real possibility of us being able to form a
deep, lasting relationship. Except...
If it were just the two of us in a void, I was sure we could be very happy.
Even in my little world, J oey would fit right in. But in his world it just
wouldnt work. Id seen on Thanksgiving and then again on Monday night
that it would be next to impossible for me to become a part of that huge
family. Even a gay Joey would not fit in there.
So if I were to continue this relationship, Id be asking J oey to give up
his whole life for me. Even if he were willing to do that, and I wasnt sure he
would, I wasnt worth it. I had so little to offer him. If you were to put me on
one side of a scale and J oeys family and world on the other, theres no
question which was more important. I knew I had to end it and get out of his
life while I still could. I loved him and wanted him, but I had to do what was
best for J oey, not for me. Hed been truly happy living a straight life before,
one that fit into his world perfectly. He could do it again.
I had no appetite for dinner when I got home from work. I played with
Lula for a while, trying to distract myself from what I knew I had to do.
Finally, I put a few ice cubes in a highball glass and poured myself three
fingers of Scotch. I rarely drank anything stronger than wine or brandy but
Id been through a lot of that this week and my body and brain were getting
immune to it. I was trying to get up the courage to call J oey when he called
me. I took a big gulp of liquid courage and picked up the phone.
So, youre still alive. I was getting worried.
Yeah, J oey, sorry I didnt return your calls. I was kinda busy this
week.
I know, between Becky and your mom I guess you didnt have much
time. I just missed the sound of your voice.
Well, actually, I did have some time to myself, and I used it to do a lot
of thinking.
Thinking? About what? Is something bothering you?
Ive been thinking that maybe this isnt such a good idea after all.
What isnt a good idea? What are you talking about?
Im talking about us, J oey. I dont think this relationship is a good
thing for either of us.
There was a long silence on the other end of the line. I took another gulp
of Scotch and hurriedly went on, explaining why I thought we were wrong
for each other (actually, why I was wrong for him) and how his life would
work out so much better if he were with a woman, someone like Angie. He
didnt say anything but I really didnt give him a chance. I didnt want any
argument or discussion; I wanted him to understand that it just wouldnt
work. I went on and on, mostly repeating myself, trying to get him to see. I
finally had to stop for a few seconds to catch my breath.
I dont understand where all of this is coming from, Ben. Weve talked
about this before, a few times. You know I like Angie, but as a friend.
Youre the one I want to be with, the one I l-, um, want to have a
relationship with.
Id been afraid that would be his reaction. Unfortunately, he was right;
we had already gone over all of this before and had ended with a different
conclusion. But I had to make him see how wrong I was for his life. I
drained the glass and took a deep breath.
Dont you get it, straight boy? We live in two different worlds. Youre
a nice church-going family man who needs a wife and kids. Im a slut whos
been with hundreds of guys and will hopefully have hundreds more. Im a
whore for cock, Joey, and I cant imagine ever settling down. You were a
challenge, thats all. I never had a straight guy before. It was a nice fuck but
thats all it was. Now that weve done it, its time for me to move on.
Youve had your walk on the wild side. Go back to the safe little straight
world you belong in.
Tears were streaming down my face and it felt like my heart was going
to explode in my chest but I tried to keep my voice steady. I think all of the
bottled up emotion probably made my voice sound nasty and harsh but
maybe that was for the best. I had to turn J oey off, to turn him away from
me. There was a long silence on the other end of the line, then what sounded
like a quiet sob and a click, then nothing.
I hung up the phone and collapsed on the couch, curled up in a tight ball
and let it all out. I wrapped my arms tightly around myself and cried. As
much as I was hurting I was aware that my words had hurt J oey as well and
I hated myself for that, but it was the only way to drive him back to where he
belonged. After a while, I became aware of Lula whining next to me. I got
up and let her out, poured myself another Scotch and watched her as she just
stood on the patio. I realized as I sipped that shed been trying to comfort
me, not asking to go out. I let her back in and sat on the couch. She jumped
up alongside me and nuzzled me.
I love him so much, Lula. Why couldnt it have worked out? Why?
*****
Joey
I got home from work on Friday and since I still hadnt heard from Ben
I assumed that whatever we were doing didnt include dinner so I ate with
my parents. After helping Mom clean up I left Connor in the living room
with Pop and went up to my room to call Ben.
I half expected to get his answering machine again but was thrilled to
hear his live voice. At least I was thrilled until I heard what he was saying. I
couldnt believe he wanted to break things off with me and was giving all
those potential problems with my family as the reason, especially when he
suggested Id be better off with Angie. Wed talked all of this out ages ago
and agreed that, while there would definitely be problems, this was what we
both wanted and we could deal with them. I couldnt understand why he was
bringing it all up again.
When I questioned him he turned nasty. Id never heard him like that. I
felt like hed slapped me in the face. Actually, it was more like a kick in the
gut. I was stunned. He described our relationship in such harsh cold terms.
Was that how hed felt all along? Was this all just some kind of game hed
been playing? I couldnt bring myself to say anything and when he finished
his little tirade I knew I was going to cry, so I quickly hung up the phone.
Id been sitting on the side of the bed so when I put down the phone I
turned and lay down, burying my face in the pillow, and cried. I felt like
wailing and thrashing around but remembered that my parents were
downstairs so I just let it all out into the pillow as quietly as possible. After a
while I calmed down, rolled over and stared at the ceiling. The pain I was
feeling surprised me and only confirmed the depth of my feelings for Ben. I
couldnt believe he meant any of what he had said but it still hurt and hed
made it clear that he wanted to end our relationship. I wasnt ready to give
up that easily but I didnt know what I could do. I lay there lost in thought
but couldnt get my mind to work right. My head was spinning from Bens
harsh attack.
Id been hoping that Ben loved me the way I loved him. Of course, hed
been involved with lots of guys so maybe his feelings were a bit different,
but I couldnt believe this had all been about getting me into bed, of adding
another notch to his bedpost. Unfortunately, the timing of his apparent
change of heart made it sound like that could be the case. Hed been so
loving and so caring, but now, a week after we finally made love, he was
dumping me. I thought about his words. Hed called it a nice fuck but it
had been so much more than that to me. Id thought it was more to him as
well. I felt like crying again but it was Connors bedtime so I knew I had to
get my act together to face my parents. I decided that this wasnt over but
Id have calm down and to give it some thought before getting in touch with
Ben again.
Saturday I felt a little like a zombie at work. The first truckload of
Christmas trees had arrived the day before so I was working the whole
weekend. That was probably a good thing although since it was early in the
season business wasnt very brisk so I had a lot of time to think. Anthony
was the other family member working and I think he noticed how
preoccupied I was. He kept giving me a concerned look and acted like he
wanted to say something but was afraid to pry.
I wasnt in the mood for dinner with Angie but it had become a routine
and I hadnt thought to cancel until it was too late. We went to the diner as
usual and she spent most of the meal talking about a couple we knew from
high school. Theyd gotten married right around the same time as J enny and
me and Angie had heard at the salon that theyd just split up. I didnt really
care about the gossip but Angie went on and on which left me to my own
thoughts. Fortunately, Connor had one of his rare fussy nights and was
acting up so badly I was able to cut the evening short. As I put Connor to
bed I thought about Bens comments about Angie and my life. There was no
way my feelings for her were even remotely close to my feelings for Ben.
I went to early Mass on Sunday so I could open the nursery at noon.
Vinnie was also working and though he wasnt usually the most sensitive
guy in the family he noticed how distracted I was.
Youre looking really out of it, bro. Something on your mind?
I couldnt confide in him, especially knowing how he felt toward Ben,
but I had to talk to someone.
I talked to Ben the other night and he said he didnt think our being
friends was such a good idea. I thought we were getting along so great so I
cant figure out what went wrong.
I guess he got the message. My curiosity about that comment must
have shown on my face so he explained. Queers like him are only
interested in one thing-dick. Most fags go for straight guys because they
want a real man, not just another fag. Some look at getting a straight guy as
a challenge. I guess once Ben realized he wasnt going to get you, he
decided to move on.
But Bens not like that at all.
Actually, Ben had used almost the same words about me being a
challenge and that had hurt, but hearing it from Vinnie made me realize
what a lie it was. Vinnie continued to run down Ben but fortunately a couple
of customers appeared and he went off with them. My mind was finally
working on a new track as I realized the big fallacy in what Ben had said.
Hed said it had all been about getting me into bed and once that was
accomplished, he had no more interest in me. But wed made love on
Thursday, and for three days after that he had been more caring, more
attentive and more romantic than ever before.
In fact, everything had gotten better and better through Monday night,
which was possibly one of the nicest times wed ever had at Angelos. So it
wasnt our having sex that had changed Ben. It had to be something long
after that. But what? I hated to put Becky in the middle but she was my only
hope at finding out what went wrong. Shed been with him Tuesday night so
maybe she knew something. As soon as I got home from work I called her
but her roommate said shed been away at her sisters all week and wouldnt
be back until Monday. It looked like I was going to have to wait. Maybe I
could talk to Ben at bowling. It wasnt the ideal setting for a serious talk but
at least I knew hed be there. Maybe I could talk him into going to Angelos.
*****
Ben
After I got off the phone with J oey I really tied one on. I wasnt used to
drinking hard liquor so it didnt take much to get completely wasted.
Saturday morning I had a hangover but it had faded by lunchtime and I
started drinking again, this time sticking with wine. I kept a good buzz
going all afternoon and evening, dulling the pain I was feeling. Every time I
thought of what Id said to J oey, I could picture the pain in his eyes. I knew
what Id done was best for him in the long run but I still hated to think that
Id hurt him.
Sunday wasnt any better. I kept looking at Lula, wondering how dogs
managed to sleep nearly twenty-four hours a day. I wanted to do that, just go
to sleep and wake up several days later when the pain was gone. Since I
couldnt manage that much sleep, I stuck with the wine. Monday morning I
was hung over again so I called in sick. I hadnt shaved or showered all
weekend and I was starting to smell but I didnt care. I knew I had to pull
myself together and go on with life but I just wasnt ready. I was hoping that
the pain I was feeling would fade to a dull ache that I could live with.
Around six oclock I called Scott and told him I wasnt feeling well and
wouldnt be at bowling. I was actually feeling a little better (maybe it was
the wine) but there was no way I was ready to face J oey. I was thinking that
I might have to drop out of the league altogether since I might never be
ready to face him again.
I decided that Id get up early in the morning and clean myself up and
go back to work. I spent the evening snuggling on the couch with Lula and a
glass of wine, wishing it was J oey in my arms instead of my four-legged
friend. Around ten the phone rang. I didnt even have to look to know it was
J oey. It was just about the time wed be at Angelos. I let it go to the
answering machine and was surprised to hear it was Becky and that she had
heard the news. I wasnt ready to deal with her interrogation yet. A few
minutes later the phone rang again. This time it was J oey. He kept asking
me to pick up the phone but I wasnt about to talk to him either. Why
couldnt he just accept that it was over?
*****
Joey
I was disappointed when Bens teammates told me he wasnt going to
show up at bowling but I wasnt surprised. I managed to get through my
three games and went over to Angelos. I wasnt really expecting Ben to be
there but still I hoped he might turn up. The place was nearly empty when I
got there and Angelo was surprised to see that I was alone.
No Ben tonight, J oey? Whats up?
I dont know, Uncle Angelo. He wasnt at bowling. He told his
teammates that he wasnt feeling well.
Well, I hope hes okay. Im glad you met up with him. Hes good for
you, J oey. He makes you happy and thats what I like to see. You seem to
make him happy, too. Hang onto him.
Im sure going to try.
I was a little surprised, not by what hed said but the way hed said it.
He seemed to realize that there was more than friendship going on between
Ben and me and he was trying to let me know that it was okay with him. Of
course, hed had lots of time to observe us when we were together, not
paying too much attention to anyone but each other, so I guess it wasnt hard
for him to figure us out.
I decided to try calling Becky again. Her roommate had said shed be
getting in late so maybe I could reach her.
Hey, J oey, what a nice surprise. Arent you supposed to be at Angelos
with Ben right about now?
Yeah, Im here but Ben isnt. Thats why Im calling. Ben broke up
with me Friday night. My throat tightened up as I said those words.
Broke up? No way! What are you talking about?
I wish I knew. Everything was going great when I saw him last
Monday but then when I called him Friday he dumped me and wasnt very
nice about it either.
That doesnt sound like Ben at all. Hes crazy about you. Besides, hed
never break up over the phone. Thats just not him.
Yeah, well, thats what he did. I was hoping maybe you knew
something about what was going on in his head last week but your
roommate said youve been away.
Sorry, but I dont know anything. I havent seen him since he got home
from Angelos last week. He didnt say anything about you but he was
pretty much out of it because of his injuries. Then I talked to him a couple of
times during the week but since it hurt for him to talk we kept it short.
Injuries? Hurt for him to talk? What are you talking about?
He didnt tell you? Apparently he slipped on some ice in the parking
lot and banged his head against his car. His face was pretty beat up. I wanted
him to go to the emergency room but he wouldnt go.
He didnt say anything about it but the only time we talked after that
was Friday when he broke things off.
Well, Im going to call him and get to the bottom of this. Ill let you
know what I find out. How are you dealing with all of this?
Not well at all, Becky.
Well, dont worry, baby. Now that Im home Ill straighten everything
out.
After I hung up I thought about what Becky had said for a minute. I
remembered it had turned colder last Monday but I hadnt noticed any ice in
the parking lot. I went over to the bar to see Angelo.
Did you happen to see Ben fall in the parking lot after we left last
week?
Fall? No. I looked out the window a few minutes after you boys left
and saw him talking to J ohn and Vinnie but that was all. When I looked out
a few minutes later they were all gone.
J ohn and Vinnie were here?
Yeah, I thought they were stopping by for a drink but they didnt come
in. I thought that was strange.
I thought it was strange, too. Then the pieces fell into place. It didnt
take a genius to figure it out. Vinnie and J ohn didnt like Ben at all and
didnt like me hanging out with him. Theyd shown up at Angelos after Id
left and talked to Ben, then a few minutes later Ben arrived at home looking
beat up. After that, Ben decided we shouldnt see each other anymore.
I looked at my watch. J ohn and Vinnie would probably still be at the bar
at the bowling alley and I felt like beating the crap out of both of them. But
I was concerned about Ben and really needed to talk to him. I took out my
phone and called but he wouldnt pick up. I left some money on the table for
my beer, waved goodbye to Angelo and took off, heading for Florham Park.
He could ignore the phone calls but he couldnt avoid me banging on his
door.
*****
Ben
The doorbell rang and I ignored it. I wasnt in the mood to see or talk to
anyone. After a minute I heard banging on the front door and tried to decide
if it sounded like Beckys fist or J oeys. I was a little tipsy from the wine and
staggered a bit as I walked to the door and looked out the peephole. J oey. I
could deal with Becky, but not J oey. I decided that hed give up after a while
and went back to the couch in the family room. After a few minutes the
banging stopped. I was just starting to relax when the door from the garage
opened and J oey walked in.
What do you want? How did you get in?
Im the one who suggested where you should hide the spare key to the
garage last summer when we were putting up your fence, remember? So
whats going on here, Ben? I think I know what happened after I left
Angelos last week but I want to hear it from you.
How could he know? No one saw what happened and I was sure his
brothers wouldnt say anything. From the message shed left I knew Becky
had talked to J oey but even she didnt know what happened. J oey had to be
guessing and he might be all wrong. At any rate, I wasnt going to rat on his
brothers.
Nothing happened except that I fell. I dont know what youre talking
about.
Between not shaving or bathing and the fading bruises around my eye I
must have looked like hell. J oey was looking at me closely and looked very
concerned.
I know that you ran into J ohn and Vinnie last week, you got hurt and
then you broke up with me.
Youre jumping to a lot of conclusions, J oey. Those three things dont
have anything to do with each other.
Yeah, right. It all makes sense to me but Im disappointed in you, Ben.
I could kill my brothers for hurting you, but I thought I meant something to
you. I didnt think youd turn away from me so easily.
I could see the hurt in his eyes and I couldnt hold it in any longer. I
burst into tears. J oey sat next to me and took me in his arms, holding me,
stroking my head, murmuring soothing words in my ear. I just completely
fell apart. After a very long time I struggled to pull myself together.
Im sorry, J oey. It wasnt like that. I may be a little afraid of Vinnie
and J ohn, but I dont care what they do to me. I just didnt want to ruin your
life. I love you so much. More than anything I want you to be happy and
being with me would fuck up your life and make you miserable.
I love you, too, Ben, and being without you is what will make me
miserable.
You love me? I couldnt quite believe it, especially after the way Id
treated him.
Yes, Ben, Im totally, madly, head-over-heels in love with you. He
held my face in his hands and looked me in the eye. I think about you all
day and dream about you at night. I am never so happy as when I am with
you. I love every minute were together. I know we agreed to go slow but
not communicating seems to be messing everything up.
Im just as in love with you but I havent quite been able to believe that
youre not straight and that you might possibly love me. Besides, Im not
good enough for someone as wonderful as you.
Why would you think that? Youre the sweetest guy Ive ever known.
Well, I can be a trashy queen at times and Ive slept around quite a bit.
Youre such a decent guy. I couldnt believe you could love me.
I think Ive gotten to know you pretty well over the past few months
and youre a decent guy too, you know. Dont ever think youre not.
If you say so. You seem to know better than me about most things so
Ill have to take your word for it.
*****
Joey
When I first walked into Bens house I couldnt believe how bad he
looked. His clothes were rumpled and his hair was a dirty mess. While he
didnt have a very heavy beard he had patches of stubble all over his face. I
could also make out the faded bruises near his eye and anger toward my
brothers welled up inside me.
It quickly became obvious that he was in even worse emotional
condition. He wouldnt tell me exactly what had gone on with J ohn and
Vinnie but he didnt deny my assumptions. It didnt matter. Once we
opened up and told each other how deeply we felt, that was all that counted.
As our relationship had developed, Id always let Ben take the lead because
he was older and so much more experienced. Id realized that deep down he
was a bit insecure, but even so I was surprised to see how fragile he was. I
tried to reassure him as much as I could and held him for a long time. After
a while, though, his days of not showering got to me.
No offense, Ben, but I think youre a bit overdue for a shower.
I know it would make me feel so much more human, but I think Im a
little too tipsy to risk it.
Yeah, I noticed the recycling bin in the garage was getting pretty full. I
think youve had enough wine for a while.
Youd better believe it. He got a sly look in his eye. Think you could
give me a hand in the shower, maybe hold me up a bit?
If I didnt know better, Id say you planned this. Okay, Ill help you
out, but no funny business. Remember, Im an innocent straight boy.
He smirked at me. Yeah, right.

Chapter Thirteen
Ben
When we got up to go to the shower, I realized how much wine Id
consumed over the evening. My legs were wobbly and I really did need
J oeys assistance in getting to the bedroom. He sat me on the bed and pulled
my shirt off over my head. When he squatted down to take off my shoes and
socks I fell back onto the bed. I just lay there while he pulled my jeans and
boxers off. I suddenly realized nothing was happening and opened my eyes.
J oey was standing over me, looking down.
What are you looking at?
A beautiful man who I love very much.
I think I must have blushed from head to toe. I knew he had just told me
that he was in love with me but I was having trouble accepting it. I couldnt
understand how he could love someone like me, especially when I thought
of all of the horrible things Id said to him on the phone Friday night. And
now here I was, too drunk to stand up on my own. How could he possible
love me?
J oey helped me to my feet and we stumbled into the bathroom. He sat
me on the closed toilet seat and quickly took off his own clothes. Man, what
a great body he had for a little guy. Not that he was really little. He was only
an inch shorter than me and while he had a small frame like me, his muscles
were much more developed so he probably weighed a several pounds more.
But he was smaller than guys I was used to being with. He turned on the
shower and got the water adjusted, then pulled me to my feet and helped me
into the stall. One of the things Id liked about this house the first time I saw
it was the large shower in the master suite but this was the first time Id had
a chance to share it.
I managed to hold myself upright in one corner of the shower while
J oey washed me. He started by shampooing my hair. I kept my eyes closed
and lost myself in the scalp massage he was giving me. After hed lathered
and rinsed my hair twice he began on my body, starting at the shoulders and
slowly working his way down. Paul and I had showered together many
times, mostly in the early days of our relationship, but it had always been
about sex, not washing. J oey was concentrating on getting me clean, yet it
was one of the most sensuous experiences I could remember.
He aimed the spray away from me and concentrated on soaping up
every square inch of my body. He worked his way down my front, and then
turned me around and soaped up my back and my butt. He pulled me close
to his chest and wrapped his arms around me and scrubbed my chest and
stomach, as if he were washing himself. By the time he got down to my
crotch I was completely hard, in spite of all the alcohol in my system. He
gently washed my balls and ran his hand up and down the shaft of my cock
a few times, then turned me around to face him. I put my arms around him,
lay my head on his shoulder and held him tight while he reached around and
washed my back, then went lower and grabbed a cheek in each hand. He
squeezed hard and then kneaded my ass in his hands, running his soapy
hands into my crack, lightly touching and tickling my hole. My rod was
poking into his stomach and I could feel his hard-on pressing into me as
well.
He pulled back a little and used one hand to lift my chin so that I was
looking into his eyes.
Would you mind if we, um, kind of relieved ourselves, Ben?
Mind? You have to ask? Im still not very steady on my feet, but go
ahead, whatever you want.
J oey grabbed the soap and lathered up our dicks some more, then
propped me in the corner of the shower again. He leaned in and kissed me,
just lightly at first, then he began nibbling on my upper lip, being careful of
the nearly healed cut on my lower lip. He was stroking both of our cocks
together in one hand. Then he pushed up against me and began humping his
hips into mine, our two dicks sliding against each other and being pressed
between us. His kiss became more passionate though still careful, with the
focus on tongue action rather than lips. I knew I wasnt going to last long
and when he reached behind me and slipped a soapy finger between my
cheeks and pressed it against my anus I felt my balls pull up. I grabbed both
of his cheeks and pulled his hips tightly into mine and exploded into the
soapy slippery lather between us. He tensed up at almost the same time and
I knew he was cumming as well.
We stood clinging onto one another catching our breath for a moment
and then J oey leaned me back into the corner again. He reached up and
directed the shower spray at me and gently rinsed all of the soap and spunk
from my body. I watched the suds run down his beautiful body as he
sprayed himself. He shut off the water and grabbed a towel and carefully
dried me and then himself. He sat me on the toilet seat again and brushed
my hair before helping me to bed. To tell the truth I was pretty sober my
then and didnt need the help but I wasnt going to let him know that. He
tucked me into bed and then he put on my robe and excused himself to let
Lula out for a few minutes.
When he came back he sat on the bed next to me and lightly stroked my
face.
I love you so much, Ben. Please believe that. You are all I want.
Im pretty amazed, but I believe you, J oey.
I know were gonna have problems with my family but well get
through it somehow. Ill figure out something.
Theres no rush. I know we keep trying to go slow and it doesnt seem
to work but as long as we know where we stand with each other we dont
have to go public with this for while, you know.
Yeah, I know. The holidays are crazy enough with my family so Id
just as soon lay low for a while anyway. Not that I have any idea how Ill
deal with them later.
Dont worry about it, babe. Were gonna be just fine now, I know it.
*****
Joey
I hadnt intended on anything sexual happening when I took Ben into
the bathroom to shower. I mean, with the emotional roller coaster wed both
spent the weekend riding I dont think either of us had sex in mind. But put
two wet, slippery, naked guys in love together in a shower and things tend to
pop up on their own. It was the first time I had taken the lead physically and
I was afraid maybe it wasnt the right time but Ben didnt object. It was such
a basic sexual release but I couldnt help but think it wasnt really about sex.
Okay, it was a fantastic orgasm, but it was really about reaffirming our love.
And passion. Damn, was it passionate.
I woke up early Tuesday morning but Mom had breakfast ready as
usual. Pop had already left for work.
You got in late last night, J oey. Didnt she ever sleep?
Yeah, I went over to Bens after bowling.
I thought you always went to Angelos.
We usually do but Ben didnt go bowling last night because he wasnt
feeling well, so I went to see him to make sure he was okay.
I hope he doesnt have anything contagious. You have to be careful
with Connor.
Dont worry, hes not really sick. He just had a rough weekend.
I can imagine. No, Im sure you cant, I thought.
Connor thankfully cut the conversation short by acting up about his
breakfast. I was able to focus on getting food into his mouth while Mom
cleaned up the kitchen.
Pop was at the front counter of the nursery reading the newspaper when
I got there.
Morning, Pop. Are J ohn and Vinnie in yet?
No, its just you and me, son. Theres not much need to come in early
at this time of year.
Yeah, I know, but that doesnt stop you, does it? In another week or so
J ohn and Sal wont have any outside work to do until the snow starts. And
after Christmas things will really seem dead.
I suppose its only natural to panic when business drops off but its just
a part of our cycle. We work hard most of the year so we should enjoy this
little break.
Dont get me wrong, Pop, its nice, but it takes some getting used to
after all the months of long days and long weeks.
I went into the office, poured myself a cup of coffee, sat down at my
desk and thought for a while before starting work. I wasnt sure how I was
going to deal with my brothers but I knew we had to talk. I was going to
have to be careful. I had to keep in mind that to them I would be defending
my friend, not my boyfriend, so my attitude and words had to reflect that.
About a half hour later Vinnie walked in.
Hey J oe, Pop said you were looking for me.
I looked up at him and an image of Bens bruised face flashed through
my head. I jumped up, crossed the room in three long strides, put my hand
on Vinnies chest and slammed him back against the wall. So much for
being careful.
What the fucks gotten into you, Bro?
J ust what I should be asking you, Vin, after what you did to Ben. I let
go of him, turned and went back to my desk. I leaned against it, took a deep
breath, folded my arms across my chest and stared at him. He averted his
eyes.
I dont know what youre talking about.
Dont lie to me. I saw Ben last night. I still wasnt sure exactly what
had happened but I had a pretty good idea. I was appalled that my brothers
had physically attacked Ben and wanted to know how they could have done
such a thing.
I thought he didnt show up at bowling.
He didnt but I went over to his house later. Vinnie scowled. Uncle
Angelo saw you and J ohn in the parking lot with Ben last week. Want to tell
me about it?
We just wanted to tell him to back off. The queers got the hots for
you, anybody can see that. We told him to leave you alone.
You did a little more than talk, didnt you?
I didnt mean to hit him but he pissed me off. He made it sound like
you were the one who was after him. I wondered exactly what Ben had
said. I knew he would be careful not to give anything away but still...
Okay, so I hit him, but it was only once and not even that hard. Its not my
fault the fag cant take a punch.
The fag is my friend, Vinnie. Get that through your thick head. Hes
not
after me and Im not after him. We both want to spend time together
because we like each other a lot and enjoy each others company. Im old
enough to know what I want and to pick my own friends and you guys can
just butt out.
But what are people gonna think if you spend all your time hanging out
with him, J oe? Theyre gonna talk.
I really dont care what people think. Its none of their business. Its
none of yours either. Ill tell you one thing, though. If either you or J ohn
ever lays a hand on Ben again youll have one less brother. Understand?
Vinnie knew what I was saying but he obviously didnt like it. Yeah, I
get it, but I still think youre making a big mistake. He turned and walked
out of the office.
After lunch Ben called. I smiled when I heard his voice. It was just like
old times. Well, like those few days after Thanksgiving, anyway. Funny
how they seemed to be my reference point to what was normal now. I was in
a playful mood and would have liked to have flirted with Ben, but I had to
be careful what I said since Margaret, our bookkeeper, was sitting her desk a
few feet away from me.
So how about joining Becky and me tonight, J oey? Were doing our
usual takeout and TV.
I dont think so, Ben. This is your special night with her. Besides, you
two havent seen each other or even talked much in over a week. I dont
want to be in the way.
You could never be in the way, babe. Are you sure you dont want to
come over? Please? He sounded so sweet, like a little kid.
I think youre just afraid to be alone with her after all that happened
last week. Youre afraid shell rip into you.
Well, maybe thats a little of it. Im sure shes gonna give me hell for
the way I treated you. But I really do want to see you.
Same here, but I think it will do you both good to have an evening
alone together.
Hey, I know, what about Thursday? Are you doing anything?
No plans so far. What did you have in mind?
Well, its not exactly a romantic evening, but Ive invited my mother
and Sam over for dinner to hear about their trip and I thought maybe youd
like to meet them. After all, Ive met your family.
Are you sure, Ben? I looked over at Margaret and hesitated, not sure
what to say.
Mother will love you. Dont worry about that.
Okay, but how about if I cook? From what youve said, your mother
doesnt sound like a steak and baked potatoes kind of woman.
You dont have to do that, babe. I could order out.
J ust leave it to me, Ben. Ill take care of it.
*****
Ben
Things with Becky went in a different direction than I expected when
she came over Tuesday night. When I called her during the day I briefly
explained that J oey and I were back together, that it had all been a big
misunderstanding. Of course, I still had some explaining to do over our
Chinese food.
Misunderstanding? It sounds more like you panicked, Ben.
Panicked? What do you mean? I hadnt told her about Vinnie and
J ohn attacking me. I hadnt actually told J oey about that either although he
knew.
Well, you say you tried to break it off because being with you would
disrupt Joeys life too much, but you guys had already talked about that so I
dont see why you thought that was still such a big problem. I think maybe it
was more like you were a little scared about how deep your feelings for him
really are.
I know I love him, Beck. Why should that scare me?
Because of what Paul did to you. You said all summer that you didnt
ever want to be in a position to be hurt like that again.
I know I said that but I dont think Joey would ever hurt me. I know
this is all very new for him, but I think one of the reasons he wanted to go
slow is that hes the kind of guy who only moves ahead when hes sure of
his feelings.
Well, youre the guy who craves security. Do you think youve found
it in J oey?
Yeah, I do. Its funny, in a way. He looks like such a kid compared to
Paul, yet the whole time I was with Paul, I was never completely secure. I
was always trying to be just what he wanted, to do just what he wanted.
Looking back, I can see that I was never totally sure of his love. With J oey,
Ive never tried to get him to love me but he fell in love with me anyway.
And I believe he loves me. Theres just something so solid, so steady about
him. I know that he means what he says and I can trust him. I could never
quite believe in Paul. I always thought that was due to my own insecurities,
but it was him. He just wasnt trustworthy.
Becky didnt say anything for a few minutes.
Well, I dont know what your problem was last week. Maybe it was
cold feet. Maybe you did think that J oey would be better off without you.
But you seem sure now. And I think youre right. J oey is someone you can
count on. Dont fuck it up, Ben.
No way, Beck. Im gonna do whatever I have to hang onto him. Hes
the best thing that ever happened to me.
*****
Joey
I debated as to whether to bring Connor to Bens on Thursday. I hated
all the time I had to spend away from him when I was working and didnt
like to leave him with sitters, even though there were so many who loved
him in the family. And Ben had said that Connor was always welcome at
this house and not to think twice about bringing him along. But for a first
meeting with Bens mother, I thought he might be a distraction. We were
going to have enough problems with my family; I had to make a good
impression on Bens family.
Wednesday night I got out my list of nieces to see whose turn it was to
baby-sit. Id made the list for two reasons. They all loved to watch Connor
so I didnt want to play favorites, but I also didnt want to impose on
anyone. This way they all got a turn and no one was burdened. I picked up
the phone and called Anthonys house and made arrangements with his
sixteen-year-old daughter, Carole.
Over breakfast Thursday morning I told Mom my plans.
Ben had such a good time meeting our family at Thanksgiving that he
wants to return the favor. I tried to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. Hes
having his mother and stepfather over for dinner and has invited me. I
didnt mention that I was doing the cooking.
Stepfather? I might have known he came from a broken home.
Ma, whats that got to do with anything?
You never know. The way a kid turns out has a lot to do with their
family.
Well, Ben turned out just fine. Hes a fantastic person. Mom just
frowned and shook her head. Anyway, I hope I make a good impression on
his mother.
How could you not? Youre a wonderful boy. Any mother would be
proud of you. Shell probably prefer you to her own son.
Ma-a-a.
I dropped Connor off at Anthonys at five and went food shopping. Id
decided on Caesar salad followed by shrimp scampi over linguine. I knew
Ben loved shrimp. While I hoped to impress his mother I was really doing
this for Ben. I got to his house a little before six and he had already set the
table. It was a pretty simple meal so we had plenty of time before his mother
arrived at seven. Ben followed my instructions as we made the salad
together, then he peeled the shrimp while I chopped the garlic. By six-thirty
everything was pretty much ready. I would saut the shrimp with the garlic
while the pasta cooked but that was last minute stuff. All of the preparation
work was done so we poured ourselves some wine, went into the family
room and snuggled on the couch.
I was a little nervous about meeting Bens family. I knew theyd be far
less intimidating than my own but I was meeting them as Bens boyfriend,
not just his friend. That made it a lot more intense for me. Ben assured me
that they were going to love me. Twenty minutes of tongue wrestling
seemed to relax me. Well, maybe relax wasnt the right word but it did take
my mind off his mother.
We both jumped when the doorbell rang. Wed gone off into our own
world for a bit. When we got up we were both aware of a problem. Two
problems, actually. A very obvious bulge in both of our pants. My pants
were tighter so mine was more pronounced.
Ill go get the door and stall them, J oey. Go in the kitchen and do some
calisthenics, something to tame that beast. As he turned toward the living
room he gave it a squeeze, which only made things worse.
I went into the kitchen and did as he said. I jumped up and down a few
times and did a few deep-knee bends, all the while staring at the raw shrimp,
trying to focus my mind on dinner. I only had a minute since it would be
rude to leave them standing by the door too long. When I walked out to meet
them my erection had gone down a bit but I was sure it was still noticeable.
I was surprised by how young his mother looked. I knew she was a lot
younger than my parents but she didnt look close to fifty. I could see that
Ben took after her quite a bit. He had her coloring and her slim build, but the
resemblance was especially clear in their eyes. Sam looked somewhat older
but he was obviously younger than Pop also. I held my hands clasped in
front of me and tried to relax as Ben performed the introductions.
Nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Thurston.
Oh please, its Sam and Gale. Bens mother smiled as she held out her
hand. I shook hands with her and then Sam.
Okay, Gale, nice to meet you. I glanced over at Ben and he rolled his
eyes.
Gale looked back and forth from Ben to me, a thoughtful look on her
face.
Are we too early? I hope were not interrupting anything. She raised
an eyebrow as she added that.
No, Mother, youre right on time. Dont worry, J oey and I werent
planning on having wild sex until after you left.
My mouth fell open in horror as I turned to Ben but Gale just laughed
and even Sam smiled and shook his head. This was definitely a different
kind of family than what I was used to.
*****
Ben
I wasnt nervous about Mother meeting J oey. I knew shed love him. I
was a little uncertain about Sam. He could be pretty cool and distant. Hed
never really warmed up to Paul, which was more evidence toward my
theory that he was okay with me being gay as long as he didnt have to deal
with it up close.
I directed Mother and Sam into the living room and made them drinks, a
cosmo for Mother, Chivas on the rocks for Sam, while J oey refilled our
wineglasses. We sat and made small talk for a while, the weather, the
upcoming holidays, work, that kind of thing. J oey was pretty quiet and
seemed to be trying to get a feel for things. I think Mother and I had shocked
him at the door.
After a while J oey excused himself to go to the kitchen to finish
preparing dinner. Mothers eyes followed him across the room.
Hes a doll, Ben, such a sweetheart. Not your usual type, though. I
thought you went for older guys.
So did I, but J oey is just so perfect. Wait until you get to know him
better. Youll see what a great guy he is.
Im sure. So how long has this been going on? I dont even remember
you mentioning a J oey until the other day but you two seem so comfortable
together.
Well, it happened slowly, starting out as friends. I didnt want to say
anything until I was sure where things were heading and by then you guys
had left for Europe. Were still just getting started but we both know its
serious.
I can see that in the way you two look at each other. He seems like a
nice young man, Ben. I wish you the best of luck.
I turned toward Sam, a bit surprised. Why thanks, Sam, that means a
lot to me.
J ust then J oey stuck his head into the room, announced that dinner was
ready and asked that we move to the dining room.
I knew that the food would be good but still J oey amazed me. Id
watched him with all of the preparation and it all seemed so simple, but
there was obviously magic involved somewhere. For the first few minutes
of the meal there was very little conversation except for raves about the
food. Once conversation resumed Id expected it to be all about Mothers
trip but instead she was focused on getting to know J oey. He had relaxed a
bit by then and talked about the nursery, his parents and siblings. I noticed
he didnt mention Jenny. I hadnt really given Mother any of his
background other than that he was just coming out.
It sounds like you have a wonderful family, J oey. Did you learn to
cook from your mother?
Pretty much, although this scampi is my Aunt J osephines recipe. She
used to do the cooking at Uncle Angelos place when I was growing up and
shes even better than my mother at some things, though Id never say that
to Mom. I guess its just as well that I didnt bring Connor. He may be half
Italian but he hasnt acquired a taste for garlic yet.
Connor? Whos he?
My son. Hes eighteen months old. The smile that always appeared
when J oey talked about Connor broke out on his face as he reached for his
wallet and took out a few pictures. I knew parents always did that and I
usually found it so boring to look at pictures of some generic looking baby
and have to ooh and aah over them and make the same bland comments but
I knew Connor and how much J oey loved him. I found I was the one raving
about him as Mother and Sam passed the snapshots between them.
You should see him on the floor playing with Lula, Mother. Theyve
become best friends. And he can almost say her name.
I cant imagine you playing with a baby, Ben. I wish J oey had brought
him just to see you with him. Mother turned to J oey. So is he with his
mother tonight?
A flash of pain appeared on J oeys face and I started out of my chair,
but he recovered quickly and motioned for me to sit.
Its all right, Ben. He turned back toward Mother. No, Gale, one of
my nieces is baby-sitting him. My wife passed away right after Connor was
born.
Oh my God, J oey, Im so sorry. Ben didnt tell me or I wouldnt have
said that. She shot me an annoyed look.
Thats okay. I should have said something when I was talking about
my family, but its still hard for me to talk about.
I understand. I just want you to know how sorry I am. Mother reached
over and took Joeys hand in hers and gave it a squeeze.
There was a lull in the conversation so Joey and I got up. I cleared the
table while he made coffee. I pulled him into a hug before we sat down
again.
Are you okay, babe? I whispered into his ear.
Yeah, Im fine. Im getting better at this. Thanks. He smiled and gave
me a little peck on the cheek.
Over coffee we finally talked about Spain and Portugal. We adjourned
to the living room and Mother had a little Sambuca while J oey, Sam and I
sipped Remy. The conversation flowed much easier than before and it was
eleven oclock before we knew it. Mother and Sam got up to leave and we
walked them to the door.
Mother hugged J oey and gave him a kiss on the cheek. It was so nice
meeting you. Well have to have you boys over for dinner very soon. She
hugged and kissed me and whispered in my ear. Hes a keeper, Ben. Im so
happy for you.
Sam surprised me by hugging J oey and then me. I couldnt remember
him ever hugging me before. He also whispered in my ear. Hes very
special, Ben. Hang onto him.
After theyd left J oey headed for the kitchen to clean up but I grabbed
him.
No way, Joe. Ill take care of that later. I just want to hold you a while
right now. I poured us each another brandy and we went into the family
room and cuddled on the couch.
That was really nice, Ben. I like them a lot. From the way you
described them I was expecting them to be a little, I dont know, stiffer or
something.
Yeah, Mother is usually a lot more formal and dramatic and Sam is
often a bit distant but they both took to you right off. Tonight, Mother was
more like the mom I grew up with and I dont think Ive ever seen Sam be
affectionate like that.
Well, Im glad they liked me. I wanted them to but I didnt want to
seem to be trying too hard.
You werent, babe. You were just being yourself so of course they
loved you. Who wouldnt?
I was sitting between Joeys legs, leaning back into his chest. He had his
arms around me and pulled me tight to him. We just lay there for a long
while like that. It felt so perfect, like I never wanted the moment to end. At
last, he slid out from behind me and got up to leave.
I really dont want to go but Im keeping someone up at Anthonys
house. I just hope its not Carole. She has school in the morning.
But what about the wild sex I told Mother we were going to have?
Next time. Ben, I promise. In the meantime, this will have to do.
He pulled me into a tight embrace and kissed me, starting lightly but
becoming more passionate. As he probed my mouth with his tongue he
ground his hips into mine, rubbing our hard cocks into one another. I was
beginning to think he was going to make me cum in my pants but he must
have sensed the change in my breathing as I got close and he pulled away.
Sleep tight, babe. He grinned as he turned toward the door.
After that? I gasped. Im gonna have to work on a little problem as
soon as youre out the door.
As long as you think of me while you do.

Chapter Fourteen
Joey
I worked both Saturday and Sunday again. Now that we were into
December, Christmas tree and wreath sales were picking up. A couple more
busy weekends and that would be it until Spring. Since the landscaping
business was pretty much finished for the season, Sal and J ohn were helping
out in the nursery. And since the other guys all had wives and kids, they
each worked one day of the weekend while I worked both. On Saturday, Sal,
Vinnie and I were on. On Sunday it was Anthony, J ohn and me. Wed all
ganged up on Pop a few years earlier and convinced him to take weekends
off.
Saturday night Angie and I took Connor to the diner as usual. Once Ben
and I had opened up to each other about our feelings I was somehow a lot
more secure in my friendship with Angie. I had been frank with her about
just wanting to be friends and was doing nothing to lead her on so I stopped
stressing about what she might be thinking. I still had a feeling she wanted
more than friendship, but that wasnt my responsibility.
After we ate she again brought up her invitation to spend Christmas
with her family. When she had first mentioned it, my initial reaction had
been to say no because otherwise shed read more into our relationship.
Once Id thought about it a while I knew that was a valid point, but there
was another reason as well. If I were going to spend the holiday with anyone
outside my family, it would be Ben, but I wasnt sure that would be a good
idea either.
I appreciate the invitation, Angie, but Im going to have to say no. You
see, Christmas was a very special day for J enny and me. As far back as I can
remember, we always spent at least part of the day together. When I was
little, Id get up early and open some of my presents and then go across the
street to watch J enny open hers. Then shed come home with me so I could
open the rest of mine with her there. Last year was the first Christmas of my
life without her and it was horrible beyond words. I wanted it to be happy
for Connor, but I was pretty much a basket case. Fortunately, at six months a
baby isnt very aware of his surroundings.
I remember talking to you at church Christmas Eve and you seemed
really out of it.
I must have been. I dont even remember seeing you. I know I went to
midnight Mass but I dont have any recollection of it. Ive come a long way
this year but I have a feeling Christmas might still be a pretty bad day for
me. I dont think I should inflict myself on anyone other than my family.
They have to put up with me.
I understand, J oey. You need to handle things the way youre most
comfortable. Ill see you at church on Christmas Eve anyway, and maybe
this year youll remember me.
Yeah, Im sure I will, Angie.
Angie looked down at the table for a minute, looking like she wanted to
say something but wasnt sure. Finally, she spoke but didnt lift her head.
Were just going to be friends, arent we, J oey? Nothing more than
that?
Yeah, Angie, thats what we said last summer and thats the way I still
feel. Are you okay with that?
She looked up at me and sighed.
I guess so. I meant it when I said I wanted to be your friend when we
started spending time together. Somewhere along the line I began to realize
what a great guy you are and maybe I began to hope more might develop
between us. Maybe I was just swept up in the campaign our mothers were
waging. But I know that you cant force feelings. I like you a lot and I know
you like me. Being friends with you is just fine with me.
Im glad you feel that way because I really do value your friendship.
At times Ive thought that maybe you wanted more and I didnt want to
disappoint you by not returning that feeling. I also didnt want to hurt you
by leading you on.
You didnt, J oey. Youve been a perfect friend all along. She smiled.
Now that weve got that straightened out we can enjoy being pals.
Sounds good to me. You can never have too many friends. I was so
relieved that we had finally talked it out. I hadnt ever been able to figure
out how to bring up the subject but fortunately she had.
I went to early Mass Sunday morning so I could be at the nursery at ten.
Business was pretty brisk from late morning into the afternoon, but after
three oclock things slowed down. J ohn was helping a customer tie a tree
onto the roof of his SUV and Anthony and I went into the building to warm
up.
So are you going to tell me about the problem youre having with
Vinnie and J ohn?
Problem? What do you mean?
Cmon, J oe, its obvious somethings going on. You and Vinnie have
been avoiding each other all week and you havent said two words to J ohn
all day.
I hesitated. I wasnt sure just what to say to Anthony. I was still pissed
at the guys but I wasnt about to rat on them about attacking Ben. They were
still my brothers, after all.
The guys are sticking their noses into something that doesnt concern
them. They dont like Ben because hes gay and they dont want him to be
friends with me so they went to see him to try to scare him off.
They went to his house?
No, they ran into him at Angelos one night after I left.
They ran into him and had a few words and youre not speaking to
them just because of that?
They threatened my friend, Anthony. It really upsets me that my
brothers could hate someone they dont even know. I never knew they were
so narrow-minded and bigoted. I mean, yeah, Ive heard them say words
like fag and queer but I thought they were just words. They use all kinds of
strong language I dont. Mom and Pop didnt exactly stress tolerance when I
was growing up but they didnt teach hate either.
I dont know if hate is the right word, but I think theyve always had
problems with gay guys. The subject just hits a nerve with some men.
What about you, Anthony? You grew up with them but you dont seem
as bothered by the subject.
For the most part I dont really care one way or the other. Its never
been an issue I had to deal with. I dont think Ive ever had a friend who was
gay, but I figure as long as a guy doesnt hit on me, what he does on his own
time is his own business.
So youre okay with Ben?
Yeah, hes a lot different from us in a lot of ways but he seems like a
good guy. And he seems to be good for you, too. Youve come back to life
since youve been hanging out with him. Were all glad to see you acting
more like your old self again.
I kinda thought thats the way you felt. After all, I heard Tony telling
Ben he was in the gay-straight club at Montclair State.
Maybe its just the times, but unlike Mom and Pop, Gina and I have
tried to stress tolerance and acceptance with our kids. I figure its a
complicated world out there and youre not doing your kids any favors if
you dont try to help them understand it and fit into it. Were pretty proud of
the man Tony is growing up to be.
You should be, Anthony, and you should be pretty proud of yourself.
Youve got a lot to do with the kind of man Tony is turning into. Its nice to
know Ive got you on my side.
Im always on your side, J oey. But remember, Vinnie and J ohn are my
brothers, too. I may like Ben, but you guys are my family. We shouldnt be
taking sides against one another.
Yeah, easy to say but wait until J ohn and Vinnie find out Im gay.
*****
Ben
I was so relieved that J oey and I finally seemed to have our relationship
on track, but still I wanted more. Its always complicated when two lives are
trying to merge. There is only so much time and there are so many demands
on it. I had my job, Becky and a few friends. J oey had his job and his huge
family. But Connor was the biggest complication, one I had no experience
with. I knew that he would always come first in J oeys life and thats how it
should be, but I wasnt used to sharing a man. He didnt exactly get in the
way, but we had to take him into consideration when making plans to get
together and we had so little time together as it was.
J oey called from work late Sunday afternoon to confirm our plans for
the evening.
Im going to pick up Connor at home and then stop by Roccos for a
couple of pizzas. What do you like on yours?
Oh, Im easy. Pretty much anything but anchovies is okay with me.
I think weve already established youre easy, Ben, but whats wrong
with anchovies? I used anchovy paste in the salad dressing the other night
and you liked it.
Only because I didnt know that was in there. You wont see me eating
that again.
Hmm, I think I could probably get you to eat just about anything, but
for tonight Ill let you have your way. And then maybe later youll let me
have my way.
Another minute of this and well be doing it on the phone and I dont
think that would go over well at the nursery.
Youre right, Ben. Hold that thought. Ill be there soon.
I was tempted to hold something else as soon as I got off the phone.
When I was first getting to know J oey Id thought of him as an innocent kid.
Even after we decided to try a relationship, I still thought that. While we
cuddled and made out quite a bit, it didnt go any further for a long time.
J oey hadnt ever had a gay relationship and didnt seem to have much of a
sex drive. He was content to just share affection. But now, he was getting to
be more like a horndog turned loose. He was constantly teasing and getting
me all worked up. Maybe teasing wasnt the right word, since I knew hed
follow through if he got the chance. The problem was, we rarely got the
chance. Aside from our night of wild passion on Thanksgiving, there had
only been that unexpected release in the shower last Monday night. I
decided we were going to have to work on making more quality time.
J oey pulled into the driveway a little after five. I was out the front door
before hed even shut off the engine. I hugged him as he got out of the car
and then grabbed the pizzas while he got Connor and his bag of supplies out
of the backseat.
We had pizza and beer in the family room while watching, believe it or
not, a football game on TV. I probably paid more attention to Connor than
the game, but it was what J oey wanted to watch. Hed picked up a pepperoni
pie and a veggie pie and both were good. Connor liked the toppings but
didnt seem very fond of the crust. That worked out fine because the crust
was Lulas favorite part. Afterwards we were all full and J oey and I
snuggled while we watched the end of the game and Connor played with
Lula on the floor.
Youve got to come Christmas shopping with me and help me pick out
some toys for Connor, J oey. I dont know what kinds of things he likes or
what you want him to have. It would be nice for him to have something to
play with when he comes over here. Hes gonna get tired of Lula after a
while.
I could just bring some toys with me when I bring Connor.
Its easier if I just buy some things and keep them here. Then you dont
have so much stuff to lug back and forth.
Well, as long as you dont mind.
I was thinking about something else that would make things easier,
too. How about if I buy a crib and set it up in one of the guest rooms? J oey
turned gave me a bit of a sad look.
You know I would love to spend the night here with you sometimes,
Ben, but youre not having a crib for Connor isnt the obstacle. Its my
parents. How would I explain the need to stay here when I live only two
miles away?
Theyd suspect something.
I know and I do want you to be able to sleep here now and then, but
that isnt why I suggested the crib. I was thinking that it would just make it
easier to bring Connor here more often. When you leave him with your
mother, you wait until you put him to bed so that means you cant come
over until later. When you leave him with one of your nieces, you can come
earlier but then you have to leave early, too. And in both cases I know you
worry about imposing on your family too much.
They all love him but I dont want to ask too much of them. Besides, I
want to be with him as much as I can.
So it works best if you bring him along. I love having him here. Its
just that we have to keep an eye on him every minute. This house wasnt
decorated with a small child in mind and he could get into lots of trouble.
Even after he falls asleep, which he seems about ready to do right now, we
still cant leave him alone. That makes it hard for us to have any private
time. Half the time we have to be watching him and the other half hes
watching us.
Ahhh, here Ive been thinking that youre turning all parental on me
but now we get to your real motivation. Youre horny.
Damn right Im horny and you know you are, too. Yeah, I want some
alone time with you, but I meant everything else I said about Connor.
I believe you, Ben. I want that, too, but you dont have to buy a crib. I
think just about everyone in my family has a crib in the attic that theyre not
using so I can probably borrow one. And a playpen, too, for that matter. In
the meantime, were stuck, though. I was thinking that I could put Connor in
the middle of one of your spare beds and hed probably be all right. I mean,
he sleeps soundly and doesnt move around much. But Im afraid Im a little
obsessive about him. I couldnt relax with you if I was worried that he was
rolling off the bed in the other room.
Thats okay, babe. I want you so bad but I can wait until you can give
me your undivided attention.
*****
Joey
Although I teased Ben about his ulterior motives about getting a crib for
Connor, I was thrilled with the idea. I wanted some alone time with Ben in
his bedroom as much as he did. But I was even more pleased about what his
thought meant. I had heard single parents complain about the problems of
dating when you have kids. It wasnt just finding time alone. If you got into
a serious relationship the other person had to love your kid nearly as much
as you did. That was tough enough with heterosexuals who are supposedly
conditioned to care for children. To find a gay guy who would give so much
thought to my son was pretty amazing, especially knowing how awkward
Ben felt about kids when I met him. Either Connor or I had won him over.
Maybe it was a team effort.
Connor and Lula crashed at about the same time and at first I was going
to put Connor on a chair opposite us to sleep, but he and the dog looked so
comfortable lying cuddled against each other on the floor I decided to leave
him there. Ben and I had been sitting on the couch during the game but later
he pulled his feet up and lay down, putting his head in my lap. I stared down
at him while I ran the fingers of my right hand through his hair. He held my
left hand in both of his. For a few minutes we just lost ourselves in each
others eyes. I know I lost track of time as I absorbed the love shining from
his eyes. After a while he closed his eyes and I felt his grasp on my hand
loosen. His breathing was becoming rhythmic and I thought he was dozing
off. All of a sudden, he sat upright and swung around toward me.
Damn! I forgot to tell you. Beckys got a boyfriend!
Youre kidding! When did this happen? I talked to her last Monday
when she got back from Rochester and she didnt say anything. Of course,
we were both pretty concerned with what was going on with you at the
time.
Apparently she met him the day before Thanksgiving. She went out for
drinks with some of her friends from work and she met him in the bar. They
hit it off and she ended up going home with him.
J ust like that? Has she been taking lessons from you?
Hey, thats not nice. Remember, youre talking to your boyfriend.
Anyway, she must have seen something special in him because she doesnt
usually do that. They saw each other a couple of times over that weekend
and then talked a lot on the phone while she was at her sisters. When she
got back last week they picked up where they left off. She said she didnt
want to say anything to us until she was sure it was more than just a fun
weekend.
So when do we get to meet him?
Im trying to talk her into bringing him over soon. After all, she had to
approve of my boyfriend so I get to vote on hers.
Ben started to lie down again, but I quickly turned so I was leaning back
against the arm of the couch and pulled him into me. He lay back in our
favorite position, with his back against my chest and my arms holding him
tight. I was happy for Becky. I liked her a lot and was pleased that she had
found a guy she liked. I had never understood how someone like her could
be single for long.
All of a sudden a little light bulb went off in my head.
Ive got an idea, Ben, one that can work in so many ways. How about
you invite Becky and this guy over for dinner next Saturday? Dont worry,
Ill cook.
That sounds nice, but what do you mean by so many ways?
Well, I can tell Mom that youre having a dinner party and Im
cooking. She doesnt have to know its only four people. I can make it
sound like a big deal and use that as an excuse to stay over here that night.
Anything that allows you to spend the night in my bed sounds like a
great idea to me, but wont your mother think its odd that youre doing the
cooking when its my dinner party?
No, she knows I love to cook and I never get a chance with her in the
kitchen at home. Ill tell her thats its going to be a late party so it would be
best if I spent the night. And thats the excuse Ill give Donna Marie for
borrowing the crib, too.
Youve decided to ask Donna Marie?
Yeah, the crib Connors using at home belongs to Anthony and Gina. I
know that John and Vinnie both have cribs but somehow I dont think either
of them would be thrilled to lend me one to use here.
Ya think? Id rather buy a new one than have to go through either of
them. Ill call Becky tomorrow and make sure they can make it Saturday.
Great, I can bring the crib and stuff over Wednesday. Since Im
working weekends I have a couple of days off during the week.
I didnt use much of my vacation time this year and I was going to
carry it over to next year. I can take the day off and help you.
Help me? Why do I have a feeling that what you really want is to take
advantage of having a safe place for Connor the second the crib is set up?
Well, we should make sure hes comfortable in it before you guys
spend the night on Saturday.
*****
Ben
As much as J oey and I both loved to cuddle, it was apparent in the way
the conversation kept coming back to sex that we were both very horny. Id
been sitting between his legs, leaning back into him and he had his arms
wrapped around me. He was occasionally running his hands over my chest
and stomach. He had unbuttoned my shirt and was caressing my smooth
chest and abs. Then he surprised me by letting his hand travel further down
until he was cupping my package. He grabbed me firmly and gave it a slight
squeeze. When he started fumbling with my belt I helped him out by
unfastening my pants. He reached into my boxers and grabbed my dick and
pulled on it. I pulled the elastic waistband of the shorts down and hooked it
under my balls. He looked over my shoulder as he slowly stroked me.
It feels so strange having someone elses dick in my hand, he
whispered in my ear. Im used to my own but this is such a different
sensation.
Mine is a lot smaller than yours. It must feel odd to you.
Its not that much smaller. I think its beautiful. The skin is so silky
and smooth. I love the feel but Im afraid Ill hurt you.
Dont worry about that. It can take quite a beating, so to speak.
Well, in that case...
He wrapped his right hand firmly around my dick and began stroking it
a little faster, slowly picking up the speed a bit. With his left hand he
reached down and fondled my balls. I dont know if it was instinct or if he
had somehow picked up on how much I like to have my balls played with in
our previous encounters but he was making just the right moves. As his fist
on my cock settled into a great rhythm and his hand pulled down on my nuts
I knew I wasnt going to be able to hold out long. He began nibbling on my
right ear and when he stuck his tongue into it I lost it. My first shot hit me on
the chin and the ones after that landed on my chest and stomach. As my
orgasm subsided he slowed down the pumping and gave one last long
squeeze, milking the last few drop out of me.
I took his right hand, which had cum on its fingers, and brought it up to
my mouth and began licking it off. I could tell that J oey was watching me
from behind. When I had cleaned off his hand I shrugged.
What can I say? I like the taste, even if it is my own.
He reached for a small puddle on my belly and scooped up some more,
then surprised me by bringing it past my head toward his own mouth. I
turned my head and watched as he gingerly stuck out his tongue and tasted
it. He gave it a few seconds thought and then stuck his fingers in his mouth,
sucking them clean.
Not bad. Do all guys taste the same?
Well, I havent tasted all guys, but in my experience, everyone has
their own distinct flavor. Havent you ever tasted your own?
No. He looked embarrassed. I wasnt sure if it was because he hadnt
or if it was just the idea.
Well, well have to fix that.
I lay there with my head leaning against his for a minute but felt the cum
starting to run down my chest and sides. I got up carefully and went into the
kitchen for a towel to clean myself up. When I came back into the family
room J oey was still laying on the couch with his head back and his eyes
closed. I could see the tent in his pants.
I looked down at Connor sleeping on the floor with Lula, his head
turned away from us. Since J oey had already started things, I decided to take
a chance. I knelt down on the floor next to the couch.
Keep an eye on Connor and let me know if he seems to be waking up.
J oey opened his eyes and looked down at me as I put my hand on his
crotch and leered at him. His mouth sagged open as I massaged the growing
bulge in his pants. I rubbed him for a few minutes and then unbuttoned his
jeans and slowly pulled down his zipper. I grabbed the sides of the
waistband of both the jeans and his boxers and carefully pulled them down.
He lifted his hips off the couch to make it easier but I still had a tough time
getting them over his bubble butt. I held his cock up so it was sticking
straight up and examined it. It wasnt all that much longer than mine but
man, was it thick. It felt smooth but it looked tough. Maybe it was just the
girth that made it look that way. There was a drop of precum at his slit and I
leaned over him and licked it off with the tip of my tongue. Then I flicked
my tongue around the edges of his head, eliciting little moans each time.
Finally, I took the head in my mouth and swirled my tongue around it. He let
out with that same low growl I had heard when I first touched his dick on
Thanksgiving. I began to move up and down on the shaft, sucking and
tonguing it, trying to swallow a little more of it each time.
He put his hands on my head, not to guide me or force me onto him, but
lightly, almost caressingly. I put a hand around the base of his dick and
stroked as I bobbed up and down. I picked up the paced and increased the
suction and I could tell by J oeys breathing that he was getting close.
Im gonna cum, he gasped as he tried to pull my head of his cock.
I dove back onto him and sucked harder, giving his balls a light squeeze
at the same time. He exploded in my mouth. I swallowed as fast as I could
but he just kept cumming. I held the last few shots in my mouth as he lay
there panting. I pulled off him and looked up at his face. His eyes were a bit
glazed over and he looked wiped out. I moved up and kissed him, pushing
the last bit of his cum into his mouth along with my tongue. The kiss was
long and tender. When we separated I smiled at him.
So, how was it?
Man, that was incredible, Ben, just the best. You are amazing.
Well, thanks, but I wasnt fishing for compliments. I kinda figured you
enjoyed the sex. I meant, how did you like your cum?
Oh, that. He thought for a moment. It was okay, I guess. I think I like
yours more.
Thats perfect, because I like yours better than mine.
J oey stood up and got his clothes back together while I went into the
kitchen for a couple bottles of beer. When I got back we sat on the couch
and made plans for Wednesday and for the dinner on Saturday. Throughout
our lovemaking and the conversation afterward, neither Connor nor Lula
moved a muscle. Maybe things werent so complicated after all.

Chapter Fifteen
Ben
Wednesday morning J oey was ringing my doorbell at the crack of
dawn. Well, the crack of ten, actually. He wanted to start earlier but I have
this thing about setting my alarm clock on a day I dont have to work. If Im
not working I have to sleep in. I had thought about suggesting that he come
over early, let himself in and wake me up in a special way. Then we could
shower together and get the day off to a great start. Except that I knew he
was bringing Connor with him, so that was out. At any rate, I was up, had
had my coffee and shower and was more or less awake by the time he
arrived, looking bright and sexy at my front door with Connor perched on
his left hip.
The night before Becky had helped me rearrange the furniture in the
larger guest room to make room for the crib. I mostly just held parts together
or handed him tools while J oey did the actual assembly. Part of that was
because he had lots of experience with cribs, part was because I have ten
thumbs when it comes to tools. Even without my help, he had the whole
thing done in half an hour. It was ready for use and I suggested we let
Connor try it out to see if he liked it.
Can you keep it in your pants just a while longer, slut? Connors
naptime, and therefore our playtime, isnt until after lunch. Weve got lots
to do before then.
Lots to do? I thought we were done.
J oey just rolled his eyes. Ben, in case you hadnt noticed, Christmas is
a week from Saturday, though youd never know it looking around this
house. When were you planning on putting up a tree?
To be honest, I havent even thought about it. Christmas has kind of
snuck up on me this year. I havent even done any shopping yet.
Thats what I thought. Cmon, lets go over to the nursery and pick out
a tree. Do you have enough decorations?
Actually, I dont have any. Paul and I had tons but I left everything
with him.
No problem, well go over to Treasure Island after we get the tree and
get some good stuff. Itll be fun to start from scratch.
I knew what J oey was saying was a good idea but I wasnt very
enthusiastic. Id been looking forward to a day off from everything but J oey.
All right, but lets not take all day doing this. I have plans for this
afternoon.
J oey looked at me and his face fell. I thought we were going to spend
the whole day together.
Duh! YOU are my plans for this afternoon.
Oh, okay. I thought so but I just wanted to be sure.
We decided his minivan was better suited to hauling the three of us, a
tree and a ton of decorations around town than my Saab. As soon as we
pulled into the lot at the nursery I saw a potential problem-brother Vinnie in
the side yard showing wreaths to a woman.
How are we gonna shop for a tree with him here? Its a big place but
we cant avoid him completely.
Dont worry about Vinnie. Youre right that we cant keep him from
knowing were here, but well just try to stay as far from him as possible. I
dont think hes gonna go out of his way to hang around us.
We went in the front door of the shop and saw Anthony helping a
customer at the register.
Is Pop in the back? J oey called out. Anthony nodded and J oey turned
to me. Wait here and Ill get Pop to watch Connor while we look around.
J oey carried Connor to the office in the back and I moved over to a row
of indoor planters. I didnt want to have to make small talk with Anthony
when he was free. He was the friendliest of the brothers but that still didnt
mean it was easy to be around him. J oey was back in a couple of minutes
and he led me to a back door so we were able to avoid Vinnie. We went all
the way to the back of the lot and turned into a row of trees. J oey seemed to
know exactly where we were going and I soon found out why.
I picked out a few really nice ones yesterday and hid them back here so
no one would buy them.
You should have just picked the one you liked best and brought it with
you. Im sure I would have loved whatever you decided on.
Its your tree, Ben. You have to pick it out yourself.
You know how bad I am about making decisions. A tree is a tree.
Maybe, but its going to be your tree and you have to be the one to
decide. Flip a coin if you like but its up to you.
He pulled out three trees and held them for me, one at a time. They all
looked full and symmetrical but the second one looked best. Maybe.
Anyway, I picked it.
Good choice, Ben. Thats my favorite. too. Now you get a reward for
being such a good boy.
He pushed me back into a pile of trees and then looked both ways before
leaning into me and kissing me. I couldnt believe this was my sweet shy
J oey. I melted into him as his tongue explored my mouth and he thrust his
hips against mine. We sunk into the trees until I was half lying down. I felt
the trees suddenly shift under me and I tried to sit up to get my balance. As I
looked over his shoulder I saw a teenager staring at the two of us from about
twenty-five feet away. When he saw me looking at him he turned and ran
around the corner toward the front of the lot.
Wed better stop, J oe. I think were scaring the customers. I explained
about the kid.
Yeah, I got a little carried away. I think I may be as horny as you are
today. But youre right, that could have been Anthony or Vinnie. Ive got to
be more careful.
We took the tree out front and Vinnie was nowhere to be seen. After
wed tied the tree to the roof on the van, I gave J oey money and he went
inside to pay for it and get Connor. I got in the car and waited out of sight.
As I sat and waited I wondered if things would be easier once J oey had
come out. I knew it probably wouldnt be good right away, but maybe after
everyone got used to it. Neither one of us was used to hiding who we were.
I hadnt been in the closet since college and J oey hadnt really considered
himself gay until recently, so having to be careful about how we acted was
something new and uncomfortable for us both.
*****
Joey
Wednesday morning I didnt bother to set the alarm, assuming Id be up
early anyway. I was surprised when I woke up and saw it was nearly
seven-thirty. Still pretty early for a day off but late for me. Mom gave me a
hassle over breakfast. Once Ben had arranged the dinner with Becky Id told
her about our plans for the day and for Saturday as well. Shed given me a
hard time on Monday and she was still at it.
I just dont see why youd want to cook for a bunch of that mans
friends. I dont know how you could even be comfortable in a house full of
gay people.
Not that it matters, but there isnt going to be a houseful of gay people,
Ma. I told you before, the whole point of the party is for Becky to introduce
her new boyfriend. Does that sound gay to you?
So not all of them will be like that. But do you have to spend the night?
Its only down the road. You should come home afterwards. Then you
wouldnt have to go to all this trouble with Donna Maries crib.
Its going to be a late night and Ill probably have a few drinks. You
know I dont like to drive with Connor when Ive been drinking. Besides, I
was thinking about borrowing the crib to keep there anyway. With all of the
time Im spending at Bens this will make it easier for me to keep Connor
with me.
You could at least take Angie. You usually go out with her on
Saturdays.
How many times do I have to tell you that Angie and I are just friends?
Ask her if you dont believe me. And though Im doing the cooking, its
not my party. Its a party for Bens friends, not mine.
Fortunately, since Id slept late Mom had already cleaned up the kitchen
so she didnt have an excuse to hang around and argue. She left the room
mumbling something about pig-headed children. I felt bad having to be
evasive with Mom. I couldnt lie to her but I was stretching the truth and
playing word games. I knew it was only temporary, that once the holidays
were over Id sit here and Pop down and talk to them, but it still bothered
me.
After getting both Connor and me cleaned up I strapped him into the
back seat of the van and went over to Donna Maries. I loaded the crib and
playpen into the van and then had another cup of coffee with my sister. She
wasnt as bad as Mom, but almost.
I just dont understand what you see in him, J oey. You cant have
much in common and his lifestyle must be so different from ours.
Yeah, hes different, but thats more because hes not Italian than
because hes gay. Hes lived a very different life than I have but we never
run out of things to talk about. Sal has talked to him a few times and likes
him. You would too if you gave him a chance.
Maybe I would but I dont see any reason to. Hes your friend. He
doesnt have to be mine.
I thanked her for the crib and linens and headed over to Bens house.
When I got there I had him hold Connor while I carried all of the stuff into
the house. The pieces of furniture werent all that heavy but they were an
awkward size. Ben didnt look like he spent much time in the gym so I
figured Connor would be enough for him to carry. Besides, I liked finding
reasons to get Ben and Connor together.
Id suspected that Ben hadnt made any plans for Christmas
decorations. While he was very bright and apparently has a head for
numbers, he could be a bit of a ditz on practical everyday things. He also
spent too much time thinking things over and had trouble making decisions
so I planned out the rest of our day and pretty much bullied him into obeying
me. He whined quite a bit but he loved it.
When we got to the nursery I left Ben out front, hoping hed get talking
with Anthony, and took Connor to the office.
Hey Pop, would you mind watching Connor for a few minutes while I
help Ben pick out a tree?
Mind watching my favorite grandson? Never.
I didnt think grandparents were supposed to have favorites.
Ill let you in on a little secret, J oe. You know how much I love babies,
so each one of my grandchildren has been my favorite from the time they
were born right up until the next one was born. Now theyre all my
favorites, though Connor has a special place in my heart because hell
probably be the last. Unless you get married again and have some more
kids, that is.
Dont hold your breath, Pop. I think Connor is it for me. You cant
improve on perfection. I found I was getting good at talking around the
issue and I wasnt happy about that. But once again I reminded myself that it
was only temporary.
I went out and found Ben and Anthony not talking and led Ben out to
look at the trees. He started whining again but I could tell he enjoyed
looking the trees over and he made the choice I would have. I went to give
him a little kiss but we lost our balance and fell into a stack of trees. Neither
of us seemed to mind that the kiss became a bit longer and more passionate
than I had intended but I agreed when Ben suggested we cool it until we
were somewhere more private. I could just imagine how Vinnie would have
reacted if he had been the one who came around that corner instead of some
kid.
While we tied the tree to the car I kept thinking about the kiss. Except
for that first time on the dance floor at the club, every other time wed kissed
had been at Bens house. Id loved all of those kisses but it just felt so nice to
kiss outdoors in broad daylight. It felt, I dont know, liberating and
empowering, like I was proudly declaring my love instead of hiding it.
I assumed Vinnie had gone inside so I suggested that Ben wait in the car
for me while I went to get Connor. Sure enough, Vinnie was at the counter
when I walked into the building. I went over to the cash register and rang up
the sale, putting Bens money in the till.
Whats HE doing here?
He bought a Christmas tree, Vin. Even gay people do normal things
once in a while.
Vinnie scowled and turned away so I went to the office. Margaret had
come back from lunch and was holding Connor on her lap. Pop was eating a
sandwich at his desk.
Youd better get some food into that boy, J oey. Hes been eating my
sandwich with his eyes. I was going to give him some but I didnt know
what your plans were.
Were going over to Benniganss to get something to eat.
Did you see J ames outside?
J ames? Isnt he in school?
He had some paper for school that Vinnie forgot to sign so he brought
it over during his lunch period. The high school is just down the road.
Yeah, I know Pop, I went there, remember?
Well, he knew you were here as soon as he saw Connor. He wanted to
say hi but I guess he had to get back to school. He did get to fuss over
Connor for a few minutes, though. He sure does love this boy.
Everybody does, Pop. Whats not to love?
I suppose every parent feels that way about their kids but even with all
of the experience Ive had with my nieces and nephews and the love I have
for them, I still think that Connor is special.
Since it was still fairly early we decided to shop for decorations before
lunch. I did my best to push Ben over the limit on his credit card. We both
had a ball looking at everything in the store. Connor was fascinated by all of
the lights and glittering objects but after nearly an hour he started to get
cranky, so we decided it was time to eat. Ben and I were both starving by the
time we got to Bennigans. I ordered a chicken Caesar salad for myself and
grilled cheese sandwich for Connor. Hed have some of my chicken as well.
Ben ordered a bacon cheeseburger deluxe with onion rings.
We have got to get you into a gym soon, Ben.
He looked offended. I thought you liked my body.
Oh believe me, I do, but if you keep eating junk like that youre not
gonna look like this for long. How about joining the Y? I already belong and
we could work out together.
Hmm, I can think of a nice workout with you.
Thats not the kind of workout I had in mind. Well, not the only kind,
anyway.
We concentrated on our food for a while. Since we had arrived toward
the end of the lunch rush by the time we were finishing up most of the tables
around us were empty. I was glad because there was something I wanted to
talk to Ben about before we got back to the house. It wasnt exactly lunch
conversation, but it had been on my mind for a while. There was no one near
us but I still kept my voice low.
Remember the other night, Ben, when we tasted each others, uh,
semen?
Yeah, how could I forget? I seem to remember that I did a little more
than taste, though. Why, is there something about that thats bothering
you?
Well, I liked it, but I was wondering. Is that safe?
Theres some risk involved in just about everything you do so you
have to decide on how safe you want to be. Ive known some guys who even
use condoms for oral sex. Overall, I think oral sex is pretty safe, though if
youre tricking around its probably best not to take a load in your mouth.
Of course, if youve got an open cut or sore in your mouth its a lot riskier,
and the more people you do it with the more chance you take, but I dont
think its risky between us.
Its just that Ive never really had to think about things like this before.
When J enny and I started having sex we were both virgins. We only used
condoms for birth control, and then only until we got married. After that we
were trying to have a baby.
Well, Ive always been careful and insisted on condoms for anal sex,
although Paul and I did away with them a while after I moved in with him
because wed both been tested and we were monogamous. Im sure I have
nothing to worry about with you and you dont have to worry about me. I
obviously have been around a lot more than you but I was tested after my
slutty period last summer and again a couple of weeks ago.
So youre saying that since were both negative we dont have to use
condoms?
Is that your way of saying that were monogamous, J oey?
Youd better believe it. I cant do it any other way, Ben.
Good. I know it may sound strange coming from a guy whos whored
around as much as I have, but I like monogamy myself, especially with
you.
I had the information I wanted and I knew I should drop the subject, but
since hed brought up his past I went on. I wasnt sure I wanted to hear the
answer but I had to ask.
I know this is none of my business, Ben, and you dont have to answer
if you dont want to. I probably dont even really want to know, but...
hundreds?
Ben leaned back until he was staring at the ceiling and groaned. When
he sat back upright and looked at me he was shaking his head.
I was wondering when that comment was going to come back and bite
me in the ass. Okay, Ive been with a lot of guys and I havent kept count,
but it hasnt been hundreds. That night on the phone I was exaggerating to
try to scare you off, to maybe horrify you a little.
Well, it worked, at least when you said it. I dont like thinking about
you with anyone else, whether its one guy or fifty, but I know shouldnt
think about that. Thats the past. I love who you are right now, and right
now youre with me. Thats all that matters.
Im glad you feel that way, J oey, because I cant undo my past. But
you are my present, and, I hope, my future.
When we got back to the house I took Connor into the guest room to
change his pampers and get him ready for his nap, which meant Ben had to
carry all of the stuff wed bought into the house. He probably would have
preferred unloading ten vans to changing one diaper so he didnt complain.
The day had been more exciting than most for Connor and he was
asleep as soon as I placed him in the crib. I walked out into the hall and
nearly ran into Ben.
Hes sound asleep already. What do you say we bring the tree in and
get to work on it?
Bens face fell. I was thinking that maybe we could take a little nap,
too. Wed do a better job on the tree if we were well rested.
Yeah, rest, Im sure thats what you were thinking. Well, if you insist.
We went into Bens room and slowly undressed each other. Our last
couple of sexual encounters had been very impromptu and a bit rushed so
we took our time. We lay on the bed making out for a long time until we
ended up in a sixty-nine position. We made love to each others cocks
slowly, building until we exploded at almost the same time. This time I did
more than taste. I had to gulp to keep from spilling his load all over the
place. I managed to swallow every drop and I loved it. And afterward we
did get to take a little nap.
*****
Ben
J oey had thought the whole day out and made sure it went according to
plan. I tend to be lazy at times and need to be pushed to get things done. J oey
knew just how hard to push and how to best cajole me into things. While I
often looked at even little things as chores, they werent when J oey was
leading me through them.
I hadnt anticipated J oeys inquiries about safe sex. Knowing that he
was coming from a straight background I probably should have, but since I
had been out and active for so long I just took it all for granted. Instinctively
I knew what I could and couldnt do under different circumstances and
never gave it much conscious thought. Until last summer, anyway.
After breaking up with Paul I was in a dazed state of hurt and betrayal
for a couple of months and lost myself in casual sexual encounters. Yes, I
was being reasonably safe, but I was also being very promiscuous. I was
starting to calm down and get more rational about things around the time I
closed on the house. And then the realization hit me. Paul and I had been
fucking for months without condoms while hed been carrying on his affair
with Chad. Id thought we were being safe because I trusted him.
In a panic, I ran to my doctor to be tested. During the few days I waited
for the lab results, I tried to convince myself that Paul would have been
using condoms with Chad, as he did when he and I first got together. He
wasnt an idiot, after all. But I could no longer convince myself of anything
when it came to Paul. After all, I never expected him to cheat on me in the
first place. He had not only betrayed our love by being with Chad, he had
put me at risk. Realizing that was the first step in getting over him. The test
came back negative but the doctor suggested having it done again in a few
months just to be sure. Id received the second negative result the week
before our little Christmas tree shopping trip so it was the perfect time for
J oey to bring up the subject.
When I woke up from my nap after J oey and I had made love, Joey was
spooning me from behind, holding me in his arms. He was still asleep and I
just lay there, reveling in the security his body offered me. For a long time
after Paul, I was sure Id never be able to trust anyone again. Id always
craved security and while Paul seemingly provided that for years, when he
pulled the rug out from under me he left me more insecure than I had ever
been before. I realized that Pauls protection of me hadnt really been
about me at all. It had all been about his ego, about how good it made him
feel to take care of me.
Right from the night Id met J oey in that parking lot, Id felt a strength
within him that had nothing to do with ego. As our relationship developed,
he took care of me in so many ways, not to build himself up, but to build me
up. He was a natural caregiver and nurturer. You only had to look at the way
he treated Connor to see that. He was a giver, not a taker. Lying there in his
arms, I knew that I had not only found someone to love, but someone I could
trust.

Chapter Sixteen
Ben
Saturday morning I smelled coffee before I even opened my eyes. I sat
up in bed and looked around the room, feeling confused. A glance at the
alarm clock told me it was nearly eight-thirty. Lula wasnt on the bed and
was nowhere to be seen. I knew she was familiar with my morning routine
but there was no way she could have turned on the coffeemaker. She wasnt
tall enough to reach the counter. I got out of bed and stumbled down the hall
to the kitchen. J oey was sitting on a stool at the counter, a mug of coffee in
his hand. He greeted me with a smile.
Mornin, sleepyhead. Nice boner.
I looked down and realized I hadnt put anything on. My morning wood
was still sticking straight out in front of me. As my brain wasnt functioning
properly yet and my mouth felt like it was stuck together I had trouble
putting together a response.
Why dont you go take care of things in the bathroom and Ill fix your
coffee for you, babe?
I did as he suggested and pulled on my robe before going back to the
kitchen. He handed me a mug as I walked in and then went over to the door
to let Lula in.
I thought you were working today. What are you doing here?
I am working, or at least I will be in a bit. I did some shopping for
tonights dinner and put everything away while the coffee was brewing. Ive
also made a list of things for you to do today to get ready.
Oh God, youre a slave driver. Im not even awake yet. Its not like this
is a big party or anything. Its just Becky and some guy.
Dont get your shorts in a knot. Its not a long list. The house is clean
so all you have to do is straighten up a bit. And I want you to make the salad
and get the veggies ready. Im leaving work at four and Ill swing by the
house and pick up Connor. Becky and whats-his-name arent going to be
here until seven. We might even have a little fun before they arrive if we get
everything done and have some time left over.
Now youre talking. Thats the kind of incentive I need. Give me the
list.
J oey was right. There really wasnt much to do. I did my usual Saturday
chores and still had plenty of time to cover everything on his list. By the
time he arrived with Connor a little before five, the house was spotless, the
table was set and all of the basic preparations in the kitchen were done. We
snuggled on the couch for a while, watching Connor play with Lula. Im
sure we both wanted to do more than snuggle, but Connor had already had
his nap at home and besides, we had all night.
Becky and her guy, whose name was Glenn, arrived a few minutes
before seven. Becky performed the introductions and then I gave him a brief
tour of the house. While doing that I gave him the once over. He was
definitely Beckys type. Mine, too. In his late thirties, over six feet tall, a big
strapping guy.
I got a pitcher of martinis Id mixed earlier out of the fridge and poured
everyone a drink before we settled in the family room. I was going to use the
living room but Connor and Lula were happy where they were. Besides, the
tree was in the family room and I was pretty proud of the way it had turned
out. Not that I got any credit for it.
Great tree, Ben. Did your mother come over and decorate?
My mother doesnt do everything for me, Becky. I can do some things
myself. And J oey helped a little, too.
I didnt do much, only pick out the tree and the decorations. Oh, and I
told Ben where to put the tree and how to hang the decorations on it. But
other than that, Ben did it all himself.
Glenn, help me out. Theyre ganging up on me.
Sounds to me like theyre just being honest.
Since those I loved were having too much fun abusing me I decided to
change the subject.
So, what do you do for a living, Glenn?
Becky gave me a sly look as I turned toward him.
Im manager of a Home Depot. I had just taken a sip of my drink and
I sprayed it halfway across the room as Becky cracked up. While I tried to
compose myself she explained about her little cruising game and my role as
helpless queen. All of a sudden we were back to the gang up on Ben game
again. Fortunately, Connor came to my rescue by walking over and
climbing up on the couch in between Becky and Glenn and acting adorable.
They both got distracted and fussed over him.
My guests somehow managed to get through the rest of cocktail hour
without any more attacks on their host. A little before eight, J oey got up.
I have a few last minute things to do in the kitchen, Ben. Why dont
you take Connor and get him ready for bed? I have his pajamas laid out for
him. And make sure his pampers are clean and dry.
The panic must have shown on my face.
Calm down, Ben, I dont expect you to change his diapers. J ust let me
know if he needs to be changed.
Well come with you and protect you, Ben. Becky and Glenn got to
their feet.
While I had been concerned about having to change a diaper, I was also
a bit worried about just changing Connors clothes. Id never done anything
like that before. Fortunately, Connor was a lot more familiar with the
routine than I was and he cooperated quite well. His diaper was quite dry
and fresh so there were no problems. J oey came into the room just as I was
finishing up.
See how simple it is, Ben? Nothin to it.
Yeah, its kind of like changing a doll. Not that I play with dolls.
I dont know, you look like a Barbie kind of guy to me, Ben.
Glenn! You just met me. Youre supposed to be nice.
I am nice, usually, but you just kind of bring out the nasty in a guy.
I turned to J oey. I hope you remembered the arsenic in at least two of
the entrees.
The meal was another triumph for J oey. He had prepared veal marsala,
green beans with almonds and real mashed potatoes. He assured us all that it
was
free range veal. And the potatoes were so much better than the instant
kind that had taken me so long to learn how to make.
Glenn seemed like a great guy and was amazingly relaxed with J oey
and me. He explained that his younger sister was a lesbian and he had spent
a lot of time with her gay friends, though most of them were women. At any
rate, I enjoyed meeting him and it was obvious Becky was smitten. She was
sweet and charming toward him all night, saving all of her sarcasm for me. I
wouldnt have it any other way.
*****
Joey
I felt kind of bad that I hadnt put more effort into the dinner. I had
planned a pretty simple meal since Id had to work all day. Plus, both Ben
and I were looking forward more to spending our first night together than
meeting Beckys boyfriend. Once Glenn and Becky arrived though we were
both able to focus on our guests. Well, technically they were Bens guests,
but I was starting to feel so at home in his house. It was definitely becoming
my kitchen.
Physically, Glenn reminded me a lot of my brothers. He was their size
and looked a bit like them. Like them, he had an outgoing personality.
Unlike them, he was totally cool with Ben and me being gay. Over the
course of the evening, I found myself imaging each of my brothers sitting
where Glenn was at the table, having the kind of conversation with them
that we were having with Glenn. It was a dream, I knew. Not even Anthony
would be as relaxed and accepting. Of course, Glenn had just met us, so
what did he care if we were gay? But Anthony, J ohn and Vinnie knew me
my whole life and loved me. Id expect them to be shocked at first, but they
should be happy for me, happy that I was in love and loved. I knew that just
wasnt going to happen, and the thought of that brought me down a bit. I had
to struggle to push that thought out of my head and focus on the present, on
the people who really were at the table.
It was nearly midnight when Becky and Glenn got up to leave. That was
early for a Saturday night, but Becky was aware that I was staying over and
it would be the first time Ben and I had spent the night together. I wasnt
sure if Glenn was aware of that, at least until we said goodnight. He
surprised me by hugging both Ben and me. He whispered into my ear as he
did, Youve had a long day, J oe. Dont let Ben keep you up all night.
Ben leaned against the front door as he closed it after them.
I thought theyd never leave. He rushed at me and took me in his
arms.
You know you dont mean that, Ben.
Sure I do. I couldnt stop thinking about being alone with you all
evening. Besides, they were picking on me all night. You were, too.
And you know you loved every minute of it. You love being the center
of attention, even if youre being abused.
Speaking of me being abused, I think its time for bed.
Plenty of time for that, Ben. Lets clean up a bit first.
His jaw dropped. Youre not serious. You really want to clean now?
It wont take long, and youll be glad we did in the morning. Its so
much nicer to wake up to a clean kitchen.
Ben grumbled but he went to work clearing everything out of the dining
room while I worked in the kitchen. When he came into the kitchen to help
he did his best to get me sidetracked. I swatted him on the butt a couple of
times but discovered that that didnt make him work; it only made him
friskier. We finally had everything straightened up and the coffeemaker set
up for the morning. Ben made sure the doors were locked while I turned out
the lights and we quietly walked down the hall. I went into the guest room to
check on Connor. He was sound asleep as if hed spent every night of his
life there.
I was only with Connor a minute but when I walked into Bens room he
was sprawled face down and naked on the bed with his legs spread. Looking
up between his legs at that pale white ass made my dick start to swell in my
pants. I climbed up on the bed between his legs, leaned forward and lightly
kissed each cheek. Ben turned his head back toward me and grinned.
So what do you want to do tonight? Any ideas?
I always have a few ideas of what I want to do with you, Ben, but right
now I think both of our minds are on the same track.
I pulled my shirt over my head and quickly struggled out of my pants as
Ben turned around to face me. I looked down at the naked body lying in
front of me. His summer tan had completely faded and his skin was so white
and smooth. He looked like an angel but I knew that at that moment his
thoughts were more on the devilish side.
I put a hand on either side of his chest and lowered myself onto him. I
kissed him lightly, then harder, working my tongue into his mouth. As we
kissed I ground my hips into his, rubbing my hard dick against his. After a
while I pulled back and looked into his shining green eyes.
I want to make love to you, Ben. Ive thought about that so many times
since Thanksgiving. I want to be inside you.
J ust what I was hoping, love. I want you inside me, always.
He reached over to the nightstand and pulled open the drawer. He
handed me a tube of lube.
What about a condom, Ben?
Its up to you, baby. You know were both okay so its safe either way.
Whatever youre comfortable with.
Well, in that case, lets see if we can make a baby.
Ben giggled. I dont think thats gonna work, J oey.
Well, then, well just have to try harder.
And we did. For the next hour, we made love in every position and
manner we could think of, fast, slow, hard, gentle, you name it. Throughout
it was as if we were both in a trance. Once I entered him, I dont think we
separated for more than a few seconds in the entire hour. We were one,
physically and emotionally. Once when Ben was on his back and I was
pounding hard down into him, his dick erupted with streams of cum
flooding his chest and abs. I slowed, wondering if he wanted me to stop, but
he thrust his butt up into me to keep going. I didnt want it to ever end but at
long last I couldnt hold out any longer. Ben was on his back again, his legs
wrapped around my waist, using his feet to pull me into him. I was lying on
him, kissing him while I slowly but forcefully rammed as deep into him as I
could. Each time I pulled back I nearly withdrew from him entirely. The
sensation of the head of my dick against his anal ring was too much for me
to take and I blasted into him, shooting over and over again. As I collapsed
on top of him I realized that he had cum again also.
We just lay there panting, totally exhausted but totally sated. As my
cock softened it slid out of him. Ben rolled me onto my side, slid out of bed
and headed toward the bathroom. He returned in a second with a damp
towel, which he used to clean us both. We wrapped our arms around each
other and cuddled, his head nested in the crook of my neck.
That was so amazing, Ben. I never knew anything could be like that.
It was pretty awesome. You have incredible staying power. I thought
you were gonna go all night.
It wasnt too much for you, was it? I dont want to hurt you.
No, I could never get enough of you, J oey. If you can do it all night,
thats fine with me.
Well, maybe not all night, but next time well try for more if you like.
You were pretty amazing, too. You came twice and I didnt even touch
you.
You were touching me, all right, just not where you can see it. Next
time lets go for three.
I pulled the sheet and comforter up over us and in no time we fell asleep
in each others arms.
*****

Ben
When I woke up there was just a hint of light coming in the windows. I
was lying on my left side and J oey was spooned behind me, his right arm
wrapped around me. I could feel his morning hard-on pressed along the
crack of my ass. I pushed my butt back against it and he thrust forward.
Mornin, sleepyhead. I was wondering when you were gonna wake
up. He nibbled on my neck and shoulder.
Morning? Its still dark. What time is it?
Time for this. He thrust his hips forward again.
I reached over to the side table, picked up the lube and handed it to him
over my shoulder. Knock yourself out, kid.
He pulled away from me a bit and I jumped when I felt the cold lube on
my pucker. He kissed the side of my neck as he pressed his head against me
and I felt it slide in, filling me. Once he was buried completely within me,
he stopped for a minute. We just lay there, united, joined together as one.
Then he slowly began pistoning, withdrawing almost completely and then
thrusting forcefully back in. He quickly picked up speed and force. If the
night before had been a marathon, this was a sprint. He reached around me
and grabbed my dick with his lubed fingers and began to stroke me. All the
while he was nibbling on my neck and ear. After only a few minutes I felt
my balls pull up and I began to shoot all over the sheet in front of me. As if
on cue, I felt his thick rod swell inside me and begin pulsing, spurting over
and over again inside me. He wrapped his arms tight around me, almost
squeezing the breath out of me, and just held me close for a minute.
Your wake-up call, sir, he whispered in my ear.
Damn, you can wake me up like that every morning, but I hope you
were planning on getting a little more sleep now. Its way too early to get
up. Maybe I can have another wake-up call later. I twisted my head around
and gave him a kiss.
Maybe you can, but I have to get up now. You go back to sleep.
I turned around. Where are you going? Dont leave.
I have to go to work later, and I have something to do before that, so I
want to go to early Mass. I groaned without meaning to. Ill be back
before you know it.
He hugged me and I must have fallen asleep within thirty seconds. The
next thing I heard was the sound of J oey clearing his throat. I opened my
eyes and it was broad daylight. J oey was standing at the side of the bed,
naked, holding a tray with plates of scrambled eggs, sausage, home fries and
toast, and a couple of glasses of orange juice and mugs of coffee.
Breakfast is served. I sat up and he placed the tray on the bed, then
carefully sat next to it.
Everything was wonderful, which wasnt surprising, knowing how Joey
was in the kitchen. What surprised me was that he had prepared all of this
without waking me up. I guess I needed the sleep. After wed eaten, J oey
dragged me into the shower. Well, maybe dragged is too strong a word. He
suggested a shower and I practically knocked him over getting to the
bathroom. It turned out to be just a shower, which was fine with me. After
our two lovemaking sessions I dont think my body could have taken any
more. But just washing and caressing each other was heaven to me.
We were toweling each other dry when I remembered Connor and
asked J oey about him.
I checked on him before I went to church and got him up, dressed and
fed when I came back. Then, when I had our breakfast ready, I put him in
the playpen with a couple of toys. Hes fine. I let Lula out a couple of times,
too.
You are amazing, J oey. Youre too good to me.
I love doing things for you, Ben. But actually, I have a favor to ask of
you and Im buttering you up a little. He looked somewhat shy and
hesitant, which wasnt at all like him.
Anything, J oey. Id do anything for you, you know that.
I was wondering if youd go to the cemetery with me this morning. I
picked up a grave blanket at the nursery after church and its in the van.
Uh, sure J oey, if you want me to. I wasnt too keen on cemeteries and
felt a little odd going with him to J ennys grave, but how could I say no?
I know its a strange thing to ask you to do, but I dont want to go
alone. Last year I didnt want to put anyone in my family through it so I
went by myself. I completely broke down at the grave and couldnt get
myself to leave. I must have been there for hours. It should be easier this
year but even so, I know Ill be okay if youre there.
Then Ill go. No problem. And dont think its strange. I love you and
Ill do anything to make you feel better.
We got dressed and bundled up Connor and got him strapped into the
van. Joey drove the five miles to Gate of Heaven cemetery. Somewhere in
there my grandparents were buried but the place was so huge I had no idea
where they were. My mother had brought me there at least once a year when
I was growing up but Id been too terrified to notice where we were going.
J oey knew exactly where he wanted to go and drove straight there.
He asked me to wait by the car with Connor while he took the blanket of
evergreens to a grave about twenty feet from the road. He positioned it on
the grave and then knelt there for several minutes. I could see his shoulders
shaking and knew he was crying. Everything in me made me want to go
over and comfort him, but I knew I shouldnt intrude. I waited and after a
while he slowly got to his feet and walked toward us. Tears were still
streaming down his face. I hugged him and held him in my arms for a long
time. Connor was standing alongside us, his arms wrapped around our legs.
Finally, we parted and I wiped the tears away from his cheeks, then kissed
him lightly on the lips.
Daddy! We looked down and Connor was reaching his arms up
toward J oey. J oey picked him up and kissed him. Connor wrapped his arms
around Joeys neck and giggled. J oey rubbed the back of his head.
Thanks, Ben, it really meant a lot to me that you were here. I know it
must be awkward for you.
Its not awkward. Actually, Id thought it would be, but it really
wasnt. I know you loved her and she was your life for so many years. This
must be so hard for you and Im glad if my being here helps you.
It does. You are really special, Ben. I love you.
Youre pretty special yourself, babe.
*****
Joey
All through Mass I couldnt stop thinking about making love to Ben. I
know thats not what youre supposed to be thinking about in church, but it
had been so amazing, both the night before and again in the morning. All
day Saturday I had been thinking about making love to him. Wed only done
that once and it had been the most incredible feeling for me. Not just the
physical sensation, but the emotional connection as well. Id always felt that
when I made love to J enny, but I hadnt thought that kind of thing was
possible with two guys. Thanksgiving evening had proven me wrong.
I wasnt sure if I should ask Ben if we could do it again, though. We
hadnt really discussed sex much; wed just done what seemed right at the
moment. I didnt know what Ben liked to do in bed. Hed seemed happy
with everything wed tried, but I wasnt sure what his favorite things were.
Maybe he wanted to make love to me, to be inside me. I wasnt sure I could
do that. Part of me wanted to experience everything possible with Ben, but
Id never had any fantasies about that and didnt think Id like it. It looked
like it could be painful, or uncomfortable at best. Ben had seemed to like it
enough, though.
Our night together had proven to me that having me in him was
something that Ben really loved. That was a relief because each time we
made love I liked it even more. By the end of the service I was finally able to
stop thinking about sex and started worrying about the rest of the morning.
Id been hesitant to ask Ben to go with me to the cemetery. I couldnt go
alone again, so it was either Ben or Mom. I knew that having Ben with me
would make me feel better and somehow I thought that taking him with me
would complete some kind of transition for me. I wasnt sure that happened,
but at least I survived the morning and Ben didnt seem to mind.
By the time we got back to Bens house I was running late for work. I
pulled into the driveway and dropped him off after a brief but passionate
kiss, then headed home to leave Connor with Mom. As soon as I walked in
the door she started asking a dozen questions about the dinner party. I tried
to answer them as briefly as I could and get out the door. She stopped me
just as I was leaving.
If you want me to go to the cemetery with you sometime this week,
just let me know when.
Thanks, Ma, but its all taken care of. Ben went with me this morning.
Ben? She frowned and paused. While he seems like a nice man, I
cant say I approve of his lifestyle. Even so, Im glad youre getting out and
making new friends, J oey. But for some things, you need your family.
Friends arent the same thing.
Believe me, I know how important family is, Ma. But Ben was really
good for me today. It was a little rough but nowhere near as bad as last year.
Ben took good care of me.
I gave her a quick peck on the cheek and slipped out the door before she
could say anything else. Maybe I was finally getting through to her. She had
called Ben a nice man. There were still plenty of negatives, but this was
the first positive thing shed said about him. I had to keep after her and knew
what the next step would be.

Chapter Seventeen
Ben
Monday night I felt tired when I got to Angelos. The week had just
begun, but with Christmas on Saturday it promised to be a long one. Id
spent a couple of hours after work at the mall, which wouldnt have been
necessary if I hadnt left my shopping until the last minute. I managed to get
gifts for Dad and Lori, so it was a good start. When I got home I nuked a
frozen dinner and let Lula out for a few minutes, then changed and headed
for the bowling alley. By the time Id finished bowling I was exhausted. At
Angelos, I collapsed into the booth across from J oey and took a long sip
from my beer bottle.
You look beat, Ben. Rough day?
Yeah, J oey. Christmas snuck up on me this year. J ust like every year.
Id never get through it if I had a family as big as yours.
Oh, its not so bad if you pace yourself. We figure Christmas is for the
kids so my brothers and I havent exchanged gifts in years. I only have to
shop for my parents and my nieces and nephews. And I like to get Donna
Marie and my sisters-in-law a little something, too.
So thats like twenty people instead of twenty-four? Ive only got four,
plus you and Becky and Im frazzled.
Its no big deal. During the year whenever I see something I think
someone would like I buy it and set it aside. Then I start shopping in earnest
for the rest of the family sometime in the fall, so by Thanksgiving Im pretty
much done.
Thanksgiving? I dont even think about Christmas until way past
then.
Yeah, Ive noticed, Ben. You do tend to put things off. Ive just got a
few more things I want to pick up for you and Ill be finished.
Me? I thought we decided on the bracelets for each other. What do you
mean, a few more things?
Wed had a long talk about what to get each other. We wanted it to be
special but not too obvious, so J oeys family wouldnt notice. Matching
rings or earrings were out and J oey already wore a neck chain with a
crucifix, so we decided on simple gold chains for our wrists.
Well, thats our real present to each other, but I want to get you a few
smaller things. It was a sweet thought, but that meant I had even more
shopping to do now. Do you still think youll have time to go toy shopping
Wednesday?
No problem, J oey. I want to get lots of stuff for Connor.
You know you dont have to do that. He gets so many gifts from
everyone in the family.
I know, but Ive never had a kid to shop for before. I want to do it.
Are you sure youll get everything done?
Yeah, I know what Im getting everyone, its just a question of doing
it. Im off Friday so Ill finish up then.
Shopping on Christmas Eve? Thats really going down to the wire.
Im not as bad as I sound. I always go into the city to have dinner with
my father on Christmas Eve so Im used to finishing my shopping then.
J oeys face fell. Youre going to be in New York Friday night?
Yeah, whats the problem?
Well, I was kind of hoping youd come to midnight Mass with me.
J oey, you know I dont go to church.
On Sundays, sure, but this is Christmas. Besides, were both going to
be tied up with family on Saturday, so I was hoping we could at least see
each other Friday night. Plus, I think Mom is starting to warm up to you. It
wouldnt hurt to score a few brownie points with her.
I really didnt want to go to church but I hated to disappoint him. And
God knows I could use all the help I could get with his mother. I knew I
could be home from the city in plenty of time, but still...
Ill think about it, babe, but dont count on it.
What have you got against church? You used to be into it. Didnt you
say you were an altar boy when you were a kid? Dont tell me some priest
molested you.
No, nothing like that. Maybe if that had happened I would have stayed
with the Church, depending on the priest, of course.
Ben, you may be a slut but I dont think even you would do a priest.
I laughed. Youre right, J oey, especially when I was that age. Someday
Ill tell you all about my falling out with the Church but its not a Christmas
story. Later.
Okay, but Ill hold you to that. And think about Friday. Id really like
to be with you then, even if just for a few minutes in church.
*****
Joey
For some reason Ben seemed uncomfortable talking about church so I
changed the subject. Maybe he was just tired. Christmas season always gave
me an energy boost but I knew it affected some people the opposite way.
We talked about bowling for a while but when we finished our beer I
decided not to have a second and to call it a night. Ben was fading and I
didnt want to keep him out late.
I left work a little early on Tuesday and drove out to the adult bookstore
on Route 10. Id been past the place a thousand times but had never been
inside. I wanted to get a few gag gifts for Ben to prove I wasnt the nave kid
he thought I was. As I got out of the car I was overcome with paranoia. I was
sure that every car passing on the highway was someone I knew and by the
weekend everyone in my family would know Id been to the porn store. I
hurried into the building, keeping my head down and turned away from the
road. There were only a few customers in the place and I didnt recognize
anyone.
I wandered around the store, amazed at the assortment of merchandise.
Some of it was silly, some very erotic. And some just confusing. Maybe I
was nave after all because I couldnt figure out what some of the stuff was.
I didnt have any idea what I wanted to get Ben. The guy behind the counter
seemed to be checking me out so I thought that he might be gay. I got up my
courage and asked him to suggest something funny for a guy who referred
to himself as a slut. He pointed out an enormous dildo that was supposedly
made from a porn star, although I couldnt imagine anyone was that big. I
decided that it was so outrageous that Ben would know right away it was a
gag, so I bought it.
After paying for my purchase, I stuck my head through a doorway into
the back and saw a few guys loitering in a hall lined with booths. From the
signs I guessed that was where the videos were shown. A door opened
toward the back and a cute little naked butt backed out. It was attached to a
young guy with his pants around his knees. He quickly slid through the
doorway into the next booth. J ust as the door closed he turned slightly and I
caught his face in profile. Chad! I turned and rushed to the front door, not
wanting to run into Chad in a place like that.
All the way home I wondered what he was doing there. I mean, I knew
what went on there. Not only had I spent many an evening listening to Ben
and Becky discuss the trashier side of local gay life, Id often heard my
brothers talk about guys who got blowjobs at that store. Not that theyd ever
been there for that; I was sure they were just passing on gossip theyd heard.
Id known since the first time I met Chad and he came on to me in the mens
room at the club that he was probably more of a slut than Ben had ever been,
but I was still surprised to see him there. Maybe he and Paul had broken up.
That thought pleased me. I didnt usually like thinking about bad things
happening to people, but after the way Paul had hurt Ben he deserved a little
unhappiness.
Wednesday after work I picked up Connor and went over to Bens.
Becky had agreed to baby-sit and fix dinner while I took Ben to Toys-R-Us.
He went a bit overboard on the toy shopping but I couldnt stop him. In my
family I was known as the out-of-control Santa so who was I to talk? When
we got back to the house, Glenn had arrived and was playing with Connor in
the family room. I had gifts for both Becky and Glenn in the car and I was
going to go out and get them, but Ben pulled me aside and explained that he
hadnt bought them anything yet, so we werent going to be exchanging
presents with them until next week. I should have guessed.
By Christmas Eve there was barely room to move in my bedroom.
Wrapped presents were piled everywhere. Several of them were for Ben and
I spent some time in late afternoon sneaking them out to the van. The rest
would go downstairs in the morning so I had to get Bens out of the house
by then. Anthony and Gina and the kids came over for the traditional
baccala dinner. Cod wasnt my favorite fish but Mom always did an
amazing job on it. I wasnt quite in the festive mood, though. I still didnt
know if Ben was going to midnight Mass. J ust after I put Connor to bed, he
called with the news that he had just left his fathers apartment for the train
home and would meet me at St. Vincents. I perked up now that I had
something to look forward to.
A little after ten-thirty we all started getting bundled up to leave for
church. The temperature had been dropping all day and it had clouded up.
The weatherman had said there was an outside chance for a white
Christmas. I was hoping for a light dusting because any more than that and
the whole family would spend Christmas day plowing. Pop was staying
home with Connor. There was very little chance hed stay awake thorough
the service even if he wanted to go. My nephew Tony chose to ride with
Mom and me rather than be squeezed into the back seat of his parents car
with his two sisters. We were getting buckled in when Tony noticed all of
the presents in the back.
Wow, Uncle J oey, look at all the loot. Are any of these for me?
Hands off! No peeking. I didnt want him to notice that most of the
gifts had Bens name on them.
J oey, how much shopping did you do? Your room is full and you have
more here in the car?
We have a pretty big family, in case you havent noticed, Ma. And my
room isnt all that big.
You spend too much on everybody. You should be saving for
Connors college education.
I rolled my eyes. Ma, hes only eighteen months old. I think I have
plenty of time to get ready for college. Tony was stifling a laugh in the
backseat, trying not to be rude to his grandmother.
When we got to St. Vincents I dropped Mom and Tony off and found a
place to park less than a block far away. When I walked back, I saw my
family gathered in the cold to the right of the front door. To my delight, Ben
was there talking to Tony. It was freezing and people were going in so we
didnt hang around very long. As we crowded through the doors I noticed
the frown on Moms face.
You didnt tell me he was going to be here, she whispered, loud
enough for everyone to hear.
I invited him but I just found out a little while ago he was able to make
it. Whats the big deal? I whispered back, much more softly.
Well, do you really think he belongs here?
I dont think the roofs gonna fall in on us, if thats what youre
worried about. So much for the idea of Mom warming up to Ben.
*****
Ben
I took the train into the city late Friday morning. At Penn Station I
caught a cab to Rockefeller Center. I had to see the tree before I did my
shopping on Fifth Avenue. As I looked up at it across the skating rink I
thought how nice it would be to have J oey and Connor with me. Next year
Id bring them. Connor would love it and Id love experiencing it with J oey.
I walked over to Fifth Avenue and got down to business. I could have gone
to most of the same shops at the Short Hills Mall, but Fifth Avenue was
more festive. Besides, Dad lived only a few blocks away.
I hadnt seen him since early fall. We werent very close, obviously.
There were no problems between us, but we didnt have much in common.
He had moved into the city when I was nine and he was always working
before that so I didnt see that much of him while I was growing up. I guess
we had never had a chance to bond. And even though Lori was near my age,
I didnt have much in common with her either. If she had been more like
Becky, maybe we could have had a fun relationship, but I had the feeling
that she was pretty much like what Mother had been at that age.
Dad and I talked on the phone every week or so, but I hadnt told him
about J oey. I figured big news like that should be delivered in person.
Apparently, Dad and I had that in common, anyway, because when I got to
their townhouse and saw Lori I realized he had withheld some news
himself.
Surprise, Ben! Youre going to have a baby sister in early May.
Wow! That is a surprise. Congratulations, Lori, Dad. I was stunned. I
was just starting to get used to the idea of being a stepfather of sorts to
Connor. Now I was going to have to learn how to be a big brother. Dad and
Lori were ecstatic. All of the conversation over cocktails (Perrier for Lori)
was about the baby and the new nursery they were having decorated
upstairs. I couldnt help but wonder if Dad had been that excited when
Mother was pregnant with me. Over dinner they finally wound down and I
had a chance to tell them my news.
Im glad youve found someone, son, and I hope it works out for you.
Is this J oe another father-figure type?
What do you mean by that?
Well, I know I was a pretty poor father. I wasnt ever there for you. I
always assumed that was what you were looking for in Paul, a substitute
father.
I never really looked at him quite that way, but maybe he was that, a
little anyway. But J oey is nothing like Paul. You wouldnt believe how
different he is. I told them all about J oey, his family, and finally about
Connor.
It sounds like youre getting lots of practice with babies, Ben. Youll
be a pro by the time Courtney is born.
Courtney?
Thats Loris name for the baby this week. Dont get used to it. Shell
go through lots more before May. So when are we going to meet this J oey?
You sound pretty taken with him.
Soon, Dad. After the holidays well have to get together. And Im
more than taken with J oey. Im in love with him.
Dad and Lori were going to midnight Mass at St. Patricks Cathedral, so
I left them to get ready. J ust talking about Joey over dinner had made me
miss him so much that I called him in the cab and told him Id meet him at
church. When I got off the train in Madison I decided to leave the car in the
station parking lot and walk to St. Vincents. It was only a few blocks up the
hill and I might not find a place to park any nearer anyway. Before Id gone
a block I wished Id driven. It was so much colder in the suburbs than it had
been in the city. I was freezing by the time I got to the church and was
relieved to see J oeys family already there. J oey joined us in a minute and
we went inside.
Mrs. Napolis comments on the way in made it clear that she wasnt
feeling any kinder toward me. J oey sat between us in the pew. I hadnt been
to church since college, but as soon as the service started it felt like weeks
instead of years. Although Id never been in St. Vincents, it felt like home.
The Church does a pretty good job at indoctrination. When J oey got up for
communion, I remained seated.
Youre not taking communion?
I shook my head. I havent been to confession in years.
Why am I not surprised? Mrs. Napoli muttered as she squeezed past
me. Somehow I didnt think I was earning any brownie points.
*****
Joey
On the way back to my seat after communion I scanned the crowd for
the rest of my family. I knew that everyone, with the probable exception of
J ohn and Vinnie, would be there. I saw Donna Marie, Sal and the kids
across from where Ben, Mom and I were sitting, but that was about it. When
the service ended I saw the others as we were inching our way toward the
door. Everyone was waiting outside. Ben hung back as I greeted them all. It
was late and freezing so we didnt talk long. As our crowd was breaking up
I was hoping to get a minute alone with Ben.
Whered you park, Ben?
Down at the train station. I walked up.
Well give you a ride back. Its too cold to walk.
Why dont you go ahead with your friend, J oey? Ill get a ride with
Donna Marie. I was both relieved and disappointed by Moms suggestion.
She was being very rude to Ben, but that meant I could have a few minutes
alone with him. I said goodnight to the others and led Ben to the car.
Im really sorry about Mom, Ben. I thought she was getting better.
Thats okay, J oey. I know its important to you, but she doesnt really
bother me that much. I just became aware of a more pressing problem,
though.
Whats that? I didnt like the sound of that.
Your nephew, the one who looks a lot like you, the one who was just
talking to Sal.
That would be J ames, Vinnies oldest. Whats the problem with him? I
dont think he even looked at you.
Yeah, he did. When we first walked out the door he was staring at me,
but when I looked back he averted his eyes. Hes the kid who saw us kissing
the nursery. He knows, J oey.
No way! If hed said anything to Vinnie you know I would have heard
about it. Youve gotta be mistaken.
I wish I was, but Im sure it was him. He looked familiar at the time
and now I know why. He was at your house on Thanksgiving.
I unlocked the car and we got in. I still didnt want to believe it was
J ames. If it was him, why hadnt he said anything?
Ill try to talk to him tomorrow, Ben. Maybe it was him but he didnt
realize we were kissing. Maybe he thought we were just goofing around.
Maybe. Ben didnt sound at all like he believed that. I didnt either
but I didnt know what else to think.
I drove him down to the train station lot and parked next to his car. I
knew J ames was a potential problem but I didnt want to think about it. It
was late and we both had a long day tomorrow. I just wanted to enjoy the
moment with Ben. I turned sideways in the drivers seat and smiled at him.
Merry Christmas, Ben.
Merry Christmas, J oey. He smiled back at me. He leaned across the
console and kissed me. I put my hands on either side of his head and pulled
him closer, drawing him into a long passionate kiss.
Have a great time at your mothers tomorrow, Ben. Give her my best.
You have a great time, too, but you dont have to say anything to your
mother for me. Shell probably prefer it that way. He smiled again.
Oh, shell get over it, sooner or later.
Yeah, keep dreaming. Im not holding my breath. Goodnight, J oey.
See you Sunday.
Goodnight, babe. Sunday.
I was up early and as usual Mom was hard at work in the kitchen, except
she was already working on dinner. We had a quick breakfast and went into
the living room to open our gifts. With just the three of us we never made
too big a fuss over it, but most of the presents were for Connor. He had no
idea what was going on but he had a good time anyway. I think he probably
would have been just as happy playing with the wrapping paper as with his
toys, though.
Afterwards, I went back into the kitchen with Mom and she put me to
work. Id always loved to cook and Mom had taught me everything, so we
worked well together. She wouldnt let me near the brachiolona, though.
Her recipe for the stuffed pork roast was one of the few secrets she kept
from me. Around noon I heard loud voices in the front of the house and a
minute later Rita came into the kitchen. That meant Vinnies family had
arrived. When Donna Marie walked in a few minutes later the women
practically pushed me out of the kitchen. I joined the growing crowd in the
living room. Pop was in his recliner and Sal and Vinnie were on the couch
talking to him. The little kids were on the floor watching TV. Over near the
tree J ames was on the floor playing with Connor No one was paying any
attention so I decided to take advantage of the opportunity. I went over and
squatted next to him. He only gave me a quick glance, then looked back at
Connor.
Hey, Uncle J oey. Connor was just showing me some of his presents.
Yeah, like he has a clue whats going on. Um, J ames, can I talk to you
for a minute?
He put his head down and looked away. He seemed very
uncomfortable.
About what?
My friend Ben said he saw you at the nursery when I was helping him
pick out a tree last week but you ran off. I think maybe you saw something
you didnt understand and I wanted to explain.
Now he was definitely uncomfortable. His eyes jumped all around the
room and he looked panicky.
Uh, I didnt see anything, Uncle J oey, I just realized I was gonna be
late getting back to school so I had to go.
Hey, what are you two whispering about over there? You cant keep
secrets in this family, you know. J ames nearly jumped out of his skin.
I turned and Vinnie was halfway across the room. J ames and I were
just playing with Connor, Vin.
J ames, why dont you go give your grandfather a hand in the cellar?
He just went down to get some of his homemade wine.
Uh, sure, Dad. He jumped up and was across the room like a shot.
Vinnie looked after him, shaking his head.
Weird kid. Hes always been a quiet one but ever since puberty hes
been so moody.
Its hormones, Vinnie. We all went through it.
Dont I remember. But I went kind of wild for a few years. Hes just
the opposite. Usually hes all excited about Christmas but the past week or
so I dont think Ive heard him say two words. Weird. I suppose I shouldnt
complain, though. At least he never gets into any kind of trouble.
Yeah, hes a good kid, Vin.
J ust then John and Carla arrived with their brood so I pushed thoughts
of J ames out of my mind. I had no idea what was going on in his head but
apparently he wasnt talking to Vinnie so I didnt have anything to worry
about, for now at least. He seemed really bothered by the whole thing so Id
have to sit down with him for a talk after the holidays. It looked like I was
going to have lots of talks after the holidays. Id been putting it off for a
while, but the time was drawing near. But today, it was Christmas and a
time to party.
*****
Ben
Mother, Sam and I had our usual quiet holiday at the house in Short
Hills. While Mother generally favored catered parties, Christmas was the
one dinner she insisted on cooking herself. We opened our gifts in the living
room and then Mother went to the kitchen while Sam and I settled in the
den. He mixed a couple of martinis.
So how is everything going with J oey, Ben? He seems to be a fine
young man. And a great cook, too. Youve got yourself quite a catch there.
Hes doing great, Sam. Were doing great. Im really crazy about
him.
Good. I like him quite a lot. He seems to be good for you, too.
He is. And since youve brought up the subject, I wanted to ask you
about this change in attitude of yours. I know you like me, but Ive always
had the feeling that my being gay made you a bit uncomfortable. Not that
you had a real problem with it, but maybe you would just prefer to ignore
it.
Ill admit that when I was first seeing your mother I wasnt very
comfortable with you being gay. Of course, you were in college and I didnt
see much of you so it took a while before I got to know you. By the time
things had gotten serious between Gale and me, you were seeing Paul so I
think for a long while my feelings about you being gay were tied in to my
feelings about Paul.
Paul? Whats he got to do with it?
I suppose I can tell you now. I never liked Paul very much. I didnt like
his attitude toward you, the way he treated you. No one else seemed to
mind, so I kept my mouth shut. But I always thought he took you for granted
and never appreciated what a great person you were.
Wow! I never expected anything like that from Sam. Hed always been
polite and respectful toward me, though a bit distant. But he apparently had
strong positive feelings about me as an individual, not just as my mothers
son. And he liked J oey, too.
Mother stuck her head into the room to announce that dinner was ready.
Over dinner, I broke the news about Dad and Lori. Mother was quiet for a
few minutes while she thought about it.
Well, lets hope he gets it right this time.
He wasnt that bad a father, you know.
I know that he loved you, but he just wasnt very grown up and didnt
seem to know how to show it. Maybe hes finally grown up, although
marrying a woman half his age wasnt a great indication of that. But Im
happy for them. I hope it works out for all three of them.
Speaking of babies, you guys have got to meet Connor. Hes such a
fantastic kid. Youll love him. I really went overboard shopping for him for
Christmas.
Mother looked at me with a bemused look on her face. Your father
taking another stab at parenthood and you with a baby. Two things I never
thought Id see.
*****
Joey
Sunday I slept in for a change. The family holiday had worn me out. I
even skipped church, although since Id gone Friday night I didnt feel too
guilty. Around noon I packed a cooler with leftovers and put it in the van.
Then Connor and I went over to Bens house for another Christmas. We
spent an hour on the floor of the family room opening gifts. Ben knew I
liked reading mysteries and he got me a whole series of books about a gay
journalist detective. He liked seventies soul music and Id found a few
greatest hits-type cds. We each bought the other some clothing as well. He
was blown away by the dildo Id bought him.
I know Im a slut of a bottom, but even I might have a problem taking
this, J oey.
Bottom? Thats what Becky called you a while back. She said you
could explain what that meant better than she could.
Ben explained that while he was pretty reciprocal in most sexual
activities, when it came to making love he much preferred being on the
receiving end. From the few times wed done that I knew that he liked it and
I wanted to know more about what he liked, but Id never gotten around to
asking.
So then youre exclusively a bottom? Havent you ever tried it the
other way?
Oh sure, in college I topped a few times. It was okay, but I like getting
fucked so much more. And that worked out fine with Paul because hes a
total top. And you seem to like that, too.
Yeah, I do, but I wasnt sure how this was supposed to work. I was
wondering if maybe we were supposed to switch around.
Do you think youd like to try switching, J oey?
I dont know. I feel like I should try everything, that I want to
experience everything with you. If you let me make love to you then I
should let you make love to me. I never had any kind of fantasies about
being on the receiving end and Im not really sure it would work, though. I
mean, it looks like it would hurt. But I think I should at least try it sometime.
What do you think?
I think that as long as we both enjoy it when you make love to me then
you dont have to worry about whether things are equal between us. But if
you really want to try being on the bottom, I dont have a problem with that.
You have such a beautiful ass that even this bottom boy has had some top
thoughts about you now and then. Id be happy to oblige you in whatever
you want.
I do think Id like to try it but theres no rush. Well try it sometime
when it feels right.
I heated up the food Id brought over and we had an informal second
Christmas dinner. We played with Connor for a while afterward and then
put him to bed for his nap. Then we retired to Bens bed for a little fun. I
made slow passionate love to him. Knowing now that this was the way he
wanted it, that I didnt have to be worried about reciprocating, made me so
much more relaxed. I got to do what felt right to me and I enjoyed it more
than ever. From Bens reaction, he seemed to have a pretty good time, too.
We cuddled for a long time as we came down from our orgasmic high. I
think maybe we both dozed off for a few minutes. Holding Ben in my arms
just felt so good, so right. We talked at length about our family holidays.
Ben told me about his fathers surprise and dinner at his mothers. I told him
about my family gathering.
Did you get a chance to talk to J ames?
I started to but we got interrupted. I definitely had the impression that
he didnt want to talk about it, though. I cant begin to guess what he
thinking, but he hasnt said anything to anyone else so far.
Maybe he cant accept it and doesnt want to have to deal with it. Lots
of times family members prefer to live in denial, even when its right in
front of them.
Could be, but Im still going to try to talk to him after the holidays. Its
obviously bothering him. It looks like Ill be talking to everyone soon.
Maybe I should just call a big family meeting.
You know your family better than I do, but I think Id rather take them
on a couple at a time. All of them at once would intimidate the hell out of
me.
Youre probably right about coming out gradually, though once I start
the word will spread in about two seconds. I think I should start with my
parents, although that means waiting a while longer.
Starting to procrastinate, J oey?
You know me better than that, Ben. Youre the professional
procrastinator. But since my brothers and sister and I chipped in to give my
parents a trip to Italy, Im going to have to wait until they get back.
I forgot about that. When are they leaving?
J anuary 6. Theyll be gone ten days. Its not the best time of year,
weather-wise, but its the best time for Pop to be away from the business.
Its still a very nice vacation. Both of your parents were born in Italy,
werent they?
Yeah, but their families came here when they were little and theyve
never been back. Theyve got lots of family over there theyve never met so
it should be a wonderful time for them. Id love to go there sometime,
myself.
No reason we couldnt go, J oey. Id love to see Italy.
Dont tempt me. A romantic vacation with you would be heaven. But
having my parents away will be like a vacation for us, too. Well be able to
spend a lot more time together without them wondering about it.
So whos going to watch Connor while your mother is away? You still
have to go to work.
Its the slowest time of year for the nursery so I can get away with only
working part-time. Between all of the women in the family Ill patch
together coverage for Connor.
Maybe my mother could help. She wants to meet Connor anyway.
While shes quite different from your mother, she did a pretty good job
raising me.
Thats an idea. Or how about this? You could take a day off from work
and watch him. You might even get to change your first diaper.
I think wed better save that as a last resort, J oey.

Chapter Eighteen
Joey
Because of the holidays, neither of our leagues bowled on the Monday
after Christmas. Ben and I considered meeting at Uncle Angelos anyway,
maybe a little earlier than usual, but because we were going to be getting
together a few other times during the week I didnt want Mom complaining
that I was spending too much time with him. I was getting close to the time
when I would come out to my parents and I didnt want to rock the boat until
I was ready. Wednesday night we had dinner with Glenn and Becky at
Bens house. I cooked, of course, chicken cacciatore served with linguine.
Ben was getting pretty good at making Caesar salad to go with it.
The food was nearly done when Becky and Glenn arrived so I put it in
the oven to keep it warm while we had drinks in the family room and
swapped stories of our holiday. When we moved into the dining room, Ben
held Connor while I brought in the food. I prepared a small plate for Connor
and then put him on the chair next to me. I told the others about our little
problem with J ames as I fed Connor.
Maybe hes gay, too, J oey. That could be why hes acting strange.
I hope not, Becky. I cant imagine how Vinnie would react to that.
Besides, if he were gay I think hed want to talk to me about what he saw.
He wouldnt be practically running away from me.
You never know, J oey. He knows his father better than anyone. If he is
gay hes probably scared to death.
Well, I dont think thats it, Ben, but Im going try to talk to him soon
so Ill find out.
It doesnt sound like youre making much headway with J oeys
mother, Ben. Even going to church didnt help. I wish Id been there to see
that.
The service was actually kinda nice, Beck. If it had been just me and
J oey I would have liked it.
I think Mom has mixed feelings about Ben. She doesnt like him
because hes gay and so cant imagine why I want to spend so much time
with him, but shes glad Im getting out of the house and doing things with
people. Shes stopped bugging me every time I tell her Im coming over
here, although she usually makes a face. I think its good for Connor to get
out of the house and see new people, too.
Its too bad there arent any kids his age for him to play with. Arent
any of your nieces and nephews close to him?
The closest in age would be J ohns son, Robbie. Hes five and thats
quite a difference. And Vinnies son Mike is seven. Then I have a couple of
nieces who are nine and the rest are all lots older.
Maybe you could put him in daycare once a week. He really should be
around other kids now and then.
My mother would have a stroke if I even suggested that, Ben. And if
she thought it was your idea shed put out a contract out on you.
Well, it was just a suggestion.
Maybe its time to change the topic of conversation, boys. This
chicken is fabulous, J oey. Youll have to give me your recipe.
Ill write it down before you leave, Becky. Its really pretty simple.
I watched you make it, J oey. That wasnt simple. Simple would be
taking it out of the freezer and popping it into the microwave. Anything
more than that is complicated to me.
Youre hopeless, Ben. Its a good thing you have J oey to cook for
you.
Yeah, I think maybe I will have to join Joeys gym. Otherwise Ill put
on a hundred pounds when he moves in and starts feeding me full-time.
When Joey moves in, not if? Have you been keeping things from
me, Ben? Becky was surprised, but no more than me. Id occasionally
thought how nice it would be if Ben and I could live together, but we had
never discussed it at all. It was something that I assumed would happen, but
not for a long time.
Well, of course were going to live together, sooner or later. Im not
talking about next week or anything soon like that, but sometime.
Ben warmed up an apple pie and served it with vanilla ice cream for an
All-American dessert. I poured the coffee and asked Becky and Glenn about
their plans for New Years Eve.
Were going into the city.
I hope youre not going to Times Square.
No, J oey, I did that once when I was in college and once is enough. An
old friend lives on the Upper West Side and he always has a party on New
Years Eve so Ive decided thats a good opportunity for Becky to meet my
friends.
Are you boys staying in on Friday?
It looks that way, Beck.
I looked at Ben in surprise. What about that party you were telling me
about last week? I had the impression you wanted to go to it.
Well, you didnt seem very interested. You said youd think about it
and since that was over a week ago and you havent said anything, I
assumed you didnt want to go.
Ben had been invited to a party by a couple of guys from his old
neighborhood. His and Pauls old neighborhood. They were a couple
around Pauls age and had a New Years Eve party every year. It had been a
tradition for Paul and Ben to go. When Ben told them about me, they
insisted that he bring me. My first reaction had been definitely no way, but I
didnt want to turn Ben down so I put it off, then forgot about it over the
holiday weekend.
Well, to be honest, it didnt sound like fun, going to the party you
always went to with Paul, meeting tons of people who only knew you when
you were with him. Plus, hell probably be there, right?
Im sure he will. That was something I thought about myself, but Ive
realized that I just dont care about him anymore. Maybe its because Im
with you now and I know how good we are together, maybe I finally
realized that he was never what I thought he was. Whatever, I dont care
about running into him anymore.
Its a nice party, J oey. I went with Paul and Ben the last few years. I
did double duty as the token female and the token straight. Rob and J im are
both good guys.
Then maybe we should go, Ben, if for no other reason than that we
could be ourselves there.
What do you mean, babe? Were always ourselves.
Only when were in this house. When were out, like at the mall or the
bowling alley or at church, we have to keep our distance. We have to
pretend were just friends. Weve spent a lot of time running around the last
couple of weeks and its been so frustrating. Im not used to having to hide
my affections and I know youre not either. I know we have to wait until I
talk to my family, but I dont like it.
It sounds like youre starting to feel a bit suffocated in the closet,
J oey.
I guess thats it, Glenn. I just want Ben and me to be able to act
naturally in public.
Coming out doesnt always solve that, J oey. Most of the gay people I
know are pretty much out but they dont make a public display of it. Even
though nearly everyone who knew us knew that Paul and I were gay, he
didnt like public shows of affection.
Well, I have a problem keeping it in. My family is very physical and I
grew up being able to be as affectionate as I wanted to be, with them and
with J enny. I just want the same thing with you.
I want that too, J oey, so you wont have any problem with me when
you come out. But were gonna face a lot of opposition. Lots of straight
people get upset over gay people holding hands or kissing.
Thats their problem, not mine. Why should gay people have to be
more sensitive than straight people? I shouldnt have to hold myself back
because they have prejudices.
Youre not even out yet and youre sounding like a radical, J oey.
I dont see anything radical about it, Becky. Im just a human being in
love.
*****
Ben
I was surprised that J oey wanted to go to Rob and J ims party. I had
mixed feelings about it myself, mostly about Paul being there, but that
wasnt a big issue anymore. I could understand J oey wanting to go
somewhere where we could be a couple, though. We stayed in a lot and had
been to the club a few times, but other than that everywhere we went we
were just friends, and I wasnt used to living that way. Plus, I really
wanted to show him off to my old friends.
Id told myself that the reason I hadnt kept in contact with them was
that they were really Pauls friends, not mine. Maybe they were closer to
Paul, since many of them were around his age and lived in the old
neighborhood, but I knew that they liked me too. To be honest, being
dumped like that had been humiliating and I was a bit embarrassed to see
them. I knew now that there was nothing for me to be embarrassed about. It
was Paul who had acted badly.
Since I generally liked to drink more than J oey he had offered to pick
me up and be the designated driver for the evening. At seven he called and
said something had come up that would delay him so it would work out
better if I came over to his place at nine. Hed still drive, but he was tied up
at home for a while. It didnt make much difference to me except that Id
been hoping to avoid seeing Mrs. Napoli.
I got to the house a few minutes early and J oey answered the door
looking very stressed out. He led me into the living room and I saw that his
parents had company. A middle-aged man and woman were sitting on the
couch with Connor perched between them. I usually sensed a chill from
J oeys mother but the atmosphere in the room was positively icy. The
Napolis were acting the way the usually did when I was there but the other
couple seemed even more uncomfortable. J oey was very antsy. Only
Connor was oblivious, playing with a small toy truck, ignoring all of the
grownups. He looked up at me as I entered the room and shouted, Ben!
You got it, kid! Thats the first time you didnt call me Loo. I crossed
the room, picked him up and gave him a kiss. There hadnt been any
conversation going on in the room when I got there but everyone just froze
and stared at me. J oey jumped in.
Folks, this is my friend, Ben Donnelly. Ben, this is Dave and Alice
Reynolds. We all nodded at each other and J oey explained about Connor
always identifying me with my dog. And then the conversation ground to a
halt again.
Well, I think Ill put Connor to bed now, if thats okay with everyone.
Ben and I have to leave soon.
Certainly. We wouldnt want you to be late for your party. Alices
voice was very cold and a touch sarcastic.
Yes, Alice and I have to be leaving anyway, her husband added in a
more civil tone.
J oey took Connor from me and headed for the stairs. I followed him up.
At the top I whispered, Whats that all about?
Later, he whispered back.
We went into his room and I sat while he checked Connors pampers
and got him into his pajamas. When he was done he sat on the bed and held
Connor to his chest, rocking back and forth slightly, humming a tune. He
gently stroked Connors head and back. Every time I saw him like that with
Connor I fell in love with him all over again. Finally, he got up and tenderly
placed Connor in the crib, kissing him goodnight. We went downstairs to
find the Napolis alone in the living room. J oey said goodnight to his parents
and I wished them a happy New Year and we left.
I handed J oey the keys to my car and he got behind the wheel. I got in
the passenger side and we took off. He still hadnt said a word.
Its always pretty tense at your house when I drop in, but I had the
feeling that this time I wasnt to blame.
Youre right, Ben. Dave and Alice are J ennys parents. They called
and dropped in unexpectedly.
I thought from what you said that they were like family to you, like a
second set of parents.
They were. When I was a kid I was at their house as much as my own.
About a year after J enny and I got married, Daves company transferred him
to Atlanta but we all visited back and forth several times a year and stayed
close. When Connor was born and J enny went into the coma they flew up
immediately and were here when she died. We were all devastated but I
think Alice and I were the worst. After the funeral they went back home, but
I called them almost every day. They were my only link to J enny.
Aside from Connor, of course.
Of course, but he was a newborn infant. He slept all the time. I had to
talk to someone who knew what I was going through. I think Alice and I
were pretty equally medicated. And then after about a month I got this awful
letter from Dave. He told me to stop calling, that they didnt want to talk to
me. He said it was all my fault, that if I hadnt wanted a baby so much J enny
wouldnt have died.
No way. He couldnt seriously blame you for what happened.
Yes, he could. I was totally blown away. To be honest, Id felt guilty
about J enny right from the start and hearing it from him just destroyed me. I
was worse than right after the funeral. I hardly got out of bed for a week.
Connor was the only thing that kept me going and I wasnt much good to
him. My mother called them and gave them hell but the end result was that I
never heard from them again.
But what about Connor? J enny was their only child, which means hes
their only grandchild. They couldnt just turn their back on him.
Daves letter made it clear that while they blamed me for J ennys
death, Connor was the one who had actually killed her and they wanted
nothing to do with him.
Thats insane, blaming a baby for something like that. It had to be their
grief talking, coupled with whatever medication they were taking.
Thats what I thought, but its been a year and a half and they didnt
seem much better tonight.
But they came to see you.
They came up for the holidays to visit relatives and friends. Everyone
kept asking them about Connor and me and I dont think they wanted people
to know their true feelings, so they came over for a short visit. Now they can
tell everyone theyve seen us and pretend to be loving grandparents.
What nasty people. Are you okay, J oey?
Im not feeling great but Ill get over it. I wish they hadnt stopped by,
but at least I know where I stand with them now. Ive often wondered if
theyd change their minds with time. I know Im the designated driver
tonight, but Im going to have one drink when we get to the party. I need it.
You can have more than that if you want. Ill abstain and drive home if
you like.
No, one will be fine. And it will be hours until I have to drive so it
wont be a problem.
J oey was quiet the rest of the drive to Maplewood. The more I learned
about the tragedy hed gone through the worse it sounded. I just wanted to
take him in my arms and hold him but that would have to wait until we got
to the party. Once when we stopped at a red light I took his right hand off the
wheel and brought it to my mouth and kissed it lightly.
What was that for?
I love you, thats all.
Thats all? Thats everything, babe.
*****
Joey
Dave and Alice were the last people I expected to see on New Years
Eve. I had put them so far out of my mind it was like they didnt exist.
Fortunately, Pop answered the phone when they called. I wouldnt have
been able to talk to them and Mom would have told them off. Neither of us
was pleased when Pop told us they were coming over, but it was something
that had to be done. They were coldly polite during the hour or so they were
at the house. I put Connor on the couch with them, thinking that he was
really the reason they had come, but they practically ignored him. Maybe if
he didnt look so much like me they night have warmed up to him. By the
time Ben arrived I was ready to run out of the house. I used him as an excuse
to get Connor away from them and leave.
I calmed down driving to the party. Driving and following Bens
directions gave me something else to think about. And just being with Ben
always made me feel good. The only thing I knew about Maplewood was
what Id seen from the train into the city, and that made it look like a nice
town, but the neighborhood Ben directed me to blew me away. The houses
all looked like mansions. I was very impressed when Ben pointed out Pauls
house.
Damn, you lived there? Paul must be rich.
Well, I wouldnt call him rich but hes a very good lawyer and a
partner in his firm, so he does all right.
The party was at a house right around the corner. It was even bigger
than Pauls place.
Is everyone we meet at this party going to be wealthy, Ben? Im
already feeling a little out of place. I mean, my family mows lawns for
people like this.
Not everyone whos going to be here lives in this neighborhood, J oey.
And dont put down your family. You guys all work hard and have a
business to be proud of. And dont forget, your family also mows my lawn,
so money has nothing to do with that.
I tried not act too overwhelmed when we went into the house. It really
was beautiful. Rob and J im, our hosts, were very friendly and seemed
genuinely pleased to meet me. They were somewhere in their forties, as
were most of the guests. I looked around and saw that, due to Beckys
absence, it was an all-male party and, I assumed, all gay. Rob directed us to
the bar where we each got a martini. Ben seemed to know just about
everyone there so he took me around and introduced me. I knew there was
no way I was going to remember any of the names. Maybe over the course
of the evening Id remember one or two.
Wed made it about halfway through the living room when I heard a
familiar voice behind us.
Well, look whos finally decided to rejoin civilized society.
Yeah, and hes brought his little stud-boy, too.
We turned and found ourselves face to face with Paul and Chad. As
usual, Paul had his arm tightly around Chads waist.
So you two are still together. Must be love. Paul smiled but I noticed
his eyes spent far more time on me than on Ben.
Maybe stud-boy is just a very good fuck, Paul. Chad was checking
both of us out.
Ill bet he is, but well give them the benefit of the doubt. Ben loves a
good fuck but hes also a hopeless romantic. The party had just begun but I
could tell the drink in Pauls hand wasnt his first or second.
You wouldnt know romance if it bit you on the ass, Paul. Cmon,
J oey, lets mingle. Ben took my hand and led me away from them.
Are you okay, Ben?
Im fine, babe. He doesnt bother me anymore. In fact, hes pretty
pathetic, hanging onto that twink, trying to put me down.
Ben continued introducing me to the other guests. At first I kept an eye
on Paul and Chad, trying to steer clear of them, but after a while I put them
out of my head and began to enjoy myself. I even forgot about Dave and
Alice. Maybe it was the drink, maybe it was being at my first gay party, but
I had a good time. Bens friends were nice people and Ben was obviously
having a great time seeing them all again. He and Rob were talking to a
couple when I noticed Bens glass was empty. I hadnt quite finished my
drink but Id had enough. I offered to go to the bar in the dining room to get
Ben a refill.
J im was tending bar so there was a familiar face and a name I
remembered. He was chatting with an older black man. J im introduced him
as Michael and they continued their conversation as J im mixed another
martini for Ben.
I just dont understand what he sees in that kid. Sure hes a little hottie,
but hes obnoxious. And rumor has it, hes a slut as well. I had an idea who
Michael was talking about and it was confirmed when I followed his gaze
across the room and saw Paul and Chad.
J im sighed. Its more than just a rumor, but Pauls blinded by love, or
at least by lust. To hear him talk, Chad walks on water.
You know something I dont? Whats the dirt?
Well, you didnt hear it from me, but...you know that Rob and I take
the dogs up to the Reservation for exercise on the weekends. All four of us
can use the walk. Anyway, one day last fall we were walking past the
cruising area and we saw Chad. He was about forty feet in from the road,
pants around his ankles, bent over grabbing a tree, getting fucked by two
guys.
Two? I blurted. I had been trying to act like I wasnt listening too
closely, but the idea of sex with two guys at once shocked me.
Yeah, J oey, they were tag teaming him and he seemed to be having a
blast.
Well, for Pauls sake I hope they were using condoms, Michael
muttered.
We werent close enough to tell and we didnt want Chad to notice us
watching, but I assume they were. Whatever else his faults might be, Chad
is no fool.
I felt like I shouldnt be listening to them talk about two guys who had a
connection to Ben so I thanked J im for the drink and left. Id just stepped
into the hall when I nearly bumped into Chad.
You look even hotter in regular light, J oe. Most people look better in
dark clubs.
Uh, thanks. Wheres Paul? I looked around and didnt see him
anywhere.
Bathroom, I guess. How about you and me slipping upstairs for a
while?
With all of their old friends here Im sure neither Paul nor Ben will even
notice were gone. I could probably show you a few things Bens never even
heard of.
I told you before, Chad, Im not interested. Paul may not be enough for
you, but Ben is plenty for me.
That still doesnt mean you cant have a little fun on the side.
It does for me. And if fidelity doesnt mean anything to you, it may to
Paul. What does he think of your propositioning every guy you meet? Ben
had told me some couples had various kinds of open relationships, but I just
couldnt imagine doing that.
Oh, he just thinks Im a natural flirt. As far as anything beyond that, I
figure, what he doesnt know wont hurt him. He reached out and ran his
hand up and down my upper arm. I shrugged his hand away.
You keep this up and he just might find out.
You let me worry about that. Hes so into me hell put up with just
about anything. I can control whatever comes up.
Well, nothing is coming up here. Excuse me. I went to move past
him.
Oh cmon, Im in the mood for a hot Italian sausage. He grabbed my
crotch and gave it a squeeze. I jumped back and jerked my arm. Only
half-intentionally I tossed Bens fresh martini in Chads face.
Oops, sorry about that, Chad. You took me by surprise. I turned and
headed back to J im at the bar, leaving Chad with gin running down his shirt.
J im looked up, surprised. What happened? You didnt even have time
to get that back to Ben. Were you thirsty?
I just shook my head. Dont ask.
*****
Ben
Rob and J oey and I had been talking about people in the neighborhood
but as soon as J oey left to get me a drink Rob switched the conversation to
J oey.
He is sooo adorable, Ben. Wherever did you find him? Hes not
exactly your usual type, though, is he?
Ive given up on trying to figure out types, Rob. All I know is that my
type is a guy named J oey Napoli.
Well, I wish you the best of luck, though I dont think you guys need it.
You look perfect together. Theres a comfort and ease between you thats
obvious, like you belong together and you both know it.
Yeah, that pretty much says it all. I love him so much and have never
felt so right about anything. And Im pretty sure J oey feels the same way.
Unlike another new couple I could name.
Anyone I know, Rob?
He rolled his eyes. I think Pauls going through a midlife crisis. I have
no idea what he sees in Chad other than a pretty face and a hot bod, which is
fine for a fling but hard to base a relationship on. Chad can be fun and
personable in small doses, but hes just so into himself. Hes got Paul
wrapped around his little finger.
Well, as long as Pauls happy. Hes a big boy and he should know
what hes doing. I really didnt care. Paul was no longer my concern.
I dont know about that. The last few times weve had them over Paul
has been drinking more than usual. He never seems sure of himself where
Chad is concerned, for good reason, although that isnt like Paul. Hes
constantly trying to please Chad, buying him anything he wants, doing
anything he wants. He told me he actually lets Chad top him now and then,
and you know that isnt our Paul.
No, I know that better than anyone. In our ten years together Paul had
been an exclusive top. He hadnt been a bottom even once. Not that I
objected. Somehow it wouldnt have seemed right for me to try to fuck him.
But you cant expect me to have any sympathy for him if things arent
going the way hed hoped. I know you care because hes your friend, but we
didnt part as friends, thanks to him. I dont wish him anything bad, but hes
just not part of my life anymore.
Im glad youve moved on and are doing so well, Ben. Youre a very
decent guy. He shook his head. Paul never did realize what a good thing
he had. He never really appreciated you.
J ust then J oey returned with a drink for me and a mischievous look on
his face.
What have you been up to, babe?
J ust mingling.
The rest of the party was fun. It was a big house and there were lots of
people so we didnt run into Paul and Chad much. They almost seemed to be
avoiding us, which was fine with me. We had the big countdown at
midnight and Joey and I shared a kiss that I thought might last the whole
new year. We said our goodbyes to Rob and J im and left a little after one.
True to his word J oey had stuck to bottled water after the first drink. Good
thing because Id had plenty and was in no condition to drive.
So did you have a good time, J oey? I asked as we pulled away.
Yeah, I did. You have some nice friends.
Im glad you feel that way. I realized tonight how much Ive missed
some of them. I was thinking that maybe we could have a little dinner party
sometime soon. Nothing big like tonight, just a few other couples.
That would be nice. I liked Rob and J im a lot.
Youve already dazzled them with your beauty and personality, now
you can wow them with your culinary skills.
J oey was quiet for a while, like he was deep in thought.
Whats the Reservation, Ben?
Whered you hear about that?
A couple of guys at the bar were talking and I didnt know what they
meant.
Its a huge county park up the hill from where we were. Theres a big
gay cruising area there thats been active for decades. Im not surprised it
was a topic of conversation. What were they saying?
J oey told me J ims story about Chad and the two guys in the woods. It
shouldnt have surprised me; after all, Chad had propositioned me at the
club. But I thought hed be more discreet than a fuck in a public park. I
thought about what Rob had said about Chad topping Paul.
Well, I hope theyre all using condoms. Back when I moved in with
Paul we stopped because we were both negative.
Like us?
Yeah, except you and I are monogamous. And Paul and I were back
then. But I hope Paul isnt trusting that kid too much.
Its not your concern, Ben. As youve said, Paul is a big boy.
I know, but after all that time with him I cant help but worry. Maybe I
should talk to him, make sure hes being careful.
That could be a very sticky situation. Hed probably be offended that
you were sticking your nose into his business. Besides, he put you in
danger, cheating on you. You dont owe him anything.
I know, but I cant help worrying.
I know youre concerned, thats just the way you are. Thats one of the
reasons I love you so much. But youve got to let people live their own
lives.
J oey was right. It was none of my business. I put my head back and tried
to block it out of my mind. When we got back to Madison, J oey turned to
me.
How are we gonna do this with the car, Ben? If I drop you off at your
place then your car is going to end up at my house. Or you could come home
with me and spend the night at my place.
Your parents arent ready for that, and I dont think you are either.
I mean you could stay in the guest room. I know Im not ready for
Mom to walk in on us in bed.
I think your mother would freak out either way. Better for my car to be
at your house in the morning than me. J ust take me home and well worry
about the car tomorrow.
Yeah, I guess youre right, but I wish you werent. I hate having to
leave you at night all the time.
Me too, but its the way things are right now. But as Diana Ross sang,
Someday, well be together.
As long as its someday soon.
J oey drove me home and we sat in the driveway and kissed for a while.
I reluctantly got out of the car and went into the house. Thank God for
Lulas enthusiastic greeting. Like J oey, I hated ending these evenings with
him alone. He was planning to talk to his parents soon. It couldnt be soon
enough for me.

Chapter Nineteen
Ben
For several days I couldnt stop thinking about Paul and Chad. I knew
they were none of my business and Paul was a part of my past, but I couldnt
help but be concerned. Paul had certainly treated me badly last Spring and
hadnt been very nice the few times Id seen him since then, but he had been
a huge part of my life for a lot of years and I knew deep down he wasnt a
bad person. From the little I knew of Chad I thought he probably was a bad
person, but that was really between the two of them. And normally I
wouldnt stick my nose in if I found out someone I knew was cheating on
their partner, but Chads deception could be very dangerous to Paul. I had
talked about it with J oey in the car on the way home from the party and
brought it up again a few days later.
I know you mean well, babe, but I have a feeling Paul may not take it
that way, especially coming from you.
Thats why I should be the one to talk to him. I know those guys at the
party. Theyll all talk behind his back forever, but none of them will have
the guts to say anything to his face. They know how proud Paul is and dont
want to lose a friend.
And you have nothing to lose as far as hes concerned. What can he do
to you at this point--never talk to you again?
If Im lucky. I really dont care how he takes it. I know Ill feel better if
I warn him. Then I can just forget about it and put that little slut out of my
head.
Okay, call him if you want, but try to be as tactful as you can. Theres
no point in making things worse between the two of you.
I waited until after lunch the next day at work. Paul frequently had a
drink at lunch, especially if he was with a client, so there was a good chance
hed be feeling good. He sounded friendlier than at any time since before we
broke up so I guessed he must have had a very good lunch.
It was good to see you at the party the other night, Ben. Everybody has
been asking me about you and I never knew what to tell them.
Well, I know Ive been hibernating but from now on Ill keep in touch
with people so maybe they wont bother you anymore.
So is there a specific reason for this call? I assume you didnt call just
to chat.
Yeah, there is, but before I start, I just want to say that you know Im
not usually one to pry or spread gossip, or stick my nose in where it isnt
wanted.
With an intro like that I assume you are now going to do just that,
though. But go ahead, Ill stop you if you go too far.
Okay, but please hear me out. As I said, I normally wouldnt get
involved, but I still do care what happens to you. You may remember that
right after I moved in with you we stopped using condoms, since we were a
couple and figured we didnt need them.
Yeah, but that was years ago. What does that have to do with anything
now?
I was thinking that maybe you and Chad had decided the same thing.
Well, youve already reached the point where this is none of your
business, so you might as well stop there.
I know you think its none of my business and Im not asking you any
questions or trying to get information out of you. I just want to say my piece
and then you do what you want.
And whats your piece, Ben?
Well, at the party I heard talk that maybe Chad isnt being quite as
monogamous as you think. So, knowing how we were back in the
beginning, I wanted you to be aware of that.
There was a long silence at the other end of the line and then he spoke,
very calmly and deliberately.
You surprise me, Ben. You never used to be a vindictive bitch.
What do you mean? It gives me no pleasure to tell you what I heard but
I thought you should know.
Yeah, right. I know I hurt you last year, and I told you at the time that I
didnt want to and wished there was another way, but for you to still be
holding a grudge after all this time...Especially now that youre with J oey. I
was glad that youd found someone else and appeared to be happy but
apparently youre still living in the past, bitter about being dumped. I feel
sorry for that hot stud youre seeing. Does he know you havent gotten over
me?
Oh, believe me, Im over you, Paul. And I love J oey like I never loved
you. I just wanted to pass on what I heard. I could have added that Chad
had made passes at J oey and me as well, but didnt want to push it.
If people were talking about nonsense like that at the party, I can guess
who started it. A jealous ex.
Oh cmon, Paul, you know Im not like that.
I know you didnt used to be but you obviously are now. And I dont
want to hear any more of this crap so you can stop your campaign to smear
Chad right now. Get a life, Ben. He hung up.
I sat at my desk and realized I was sweating. I was never very good at
standing up to Paul and hed assumed the worst about my reasons for
calling. But it was over. Id told him what I thought he needed to hear and
now I could forget it. He really was a part of my past now.
*****
Joey
Mom and Pop had to be at the airport at five in the afternoon, a horrible
time to be on the roads around Newark. It was less than twenty miles but I
decided we should leave no later than four. There were lots of potential
babysitters in the family who could have watched Connor while I went to
the airport but when Ben offered to leave work early I took him up on it. I
was planning on coming out to my parents shortly after they got back from
Italy and I wanted to emphasize to them how important Ben was to me, how
much he had become a part of my life.
Ben must have been watching because he came out the front door as
soon as I pulled into the driveway. Mom and Pop stayed in the car when I
got out. Ben leaned in to greet my parents and I unbuckled Connor from his
car seat. Ben hooked the diaper bag over his shoulder and took Connor in
his arms. He was getting pretty good at that. I remembered how scared he
was to even touch Connor in the beginning.
I cant go out to the gate with Mom and Pop, so as soon as theyre
checked in and through security Ill be on my way back. I should be here
between six and six-thirty.
Okay, call me when youre leaving the airport and Ill order the pizza.
Then it should get here around the same time you do.
I got back in the car and pulled out. Mom was looking around.
Hes got a nice house. So normal looking.
What did you expect, Ma? A trailer behind a go-go bar?
She shrugged. I dont know how somebody like that lives. I just
thought it would look different, thats all.
I keep telling you that the only thing different about Ben is who he
loves. Why is that such a problem for you?
Its the way I was raised, J oey. Its wrong, thats all there is to it.
Theyre just not like people like us.
You mean there arent any gay Italians? How about Michelangelo?
Dont be silly, J oey. He wasnt a homosexual. He did all that beautiful
work for the Church.
I gave up. I noticed Pop hadnt said a word, not that he ever talked
much, especially when Moms mouth was running off about something. He
was good at tuning Mom out when he wanted to. Maybe I could take some
pointers from him. Traffic to the airport wasnt as bad as I thought it would
be and we got there with no problems. I stayed with Mom and Pop as they
checked in and walked them to the security checkpoint where Mom began
to have second thoughts.
Are you sure youre going to be all right, J oey? How are you going to
work and watch Connor? Maybe we shouldnt be leaving you.
Ma, Ill be fine. So will Connor. Ive got twenty-five Napolis within
four blocks to help me, plus Ben and Becky. You two just go and have a
good time.
But Ive never been away from Connor before. What will he think?
Im not saying he wont notice, but I doubt if it will matter much to
him. As long as Im around and hes not with strangers, hell be okay.
Come on, Rose. As hard as it may be to face, the family can get by
without you for a few days. Besides, theres more family over there in Italy
that has had to do without you for all these years. They wont know how
much they need you until you get there and tell them.
Mom gave Pop a dirty look but stopped her fussing. She gave me a
powerful hug goodbye and kissed me on the cheek. Pop hugged and kissed
me as well.
Take care of the business, J oey. Im counting on you.
Me? Thats Anthonys job. Im low man at the nursery.
I depend on all of you boys. There is no low man.
I watched as they took off their shoes and put everything on the
conveyor belt to go through the x-ray machine. When they passed through
the metal detector and disappeared on the other side I turned and headed
toward the parking garage. I called Ben on my way to let him know I was
leaving. The traffic was much worse on the way back and I got there long
after the pizza.
Ben greeted me with a hug every bit as strong as Moms.
Everything go all right?
Yeah, Mom started making a fuss but Pop shut her up. I think shes
afraid of flying and wont admit it, so she starts fussing about everything
else.
What did she think of your leaving Connor with me instead of Gina or
Donna Marie?
You know how she feels about you and family. But she says her piece
and then moves on. Maybe shell actually be okay when I come out. Shell
be upset and disapprove, and never let me forget it, but then shell move
on.
You think so?
No, not really. I can dream, though.
After we ate Ben and I spent nearly an hour on the floor playing gently
with Connor. We had to be careful not to get him too excited so close to
bedtime. He seemed to sense tonight was different from our usual visits to
Ben. Tonight, we were staying over. After a while we left him on the floor
to unwind with his Legos while we relaxed on the couch. When it was his
bedtime we both took him into his room. I had to change his pampers and
clean him up before getting him into his jammies. Ben made sure he kept his
distance.
How far off did you say potty-training was, J oey?
Every kid is different, but Im hoping for sometime around his second
birthday in J une. They say girls are quicker than boys, though, so it may be
later than that.
Cant happen too soon for me, but since Im not the one changing him
I shouldnt complain.
Oh, Ill have to arrange for you to change at least one diaper before its
over. You cant miss out on all the fun.
We both kissed Connor goodnight. I put him in his crib and turned out
the light, leaving just a small nightlight on in the corner. We went back out
to the family room and cuddled while we watched TV. After Will and Grace
went off Ben suggested we go to bed.
This early? Its only nine-thirty.
I didnt say go to sleep. I think we might be able to find something else
to do in there for a while.
Well, in that case...
Once in the bedroom we slowly undressed each other. It had to be
slowly because we were kissing and neither of us wanted to break the kiss.
When we were naked we left our clothes in two piles on the floor and
tumbled into bed, wrapped in each others arms.
We had previously discussed my parents trip to Italy and decided that
we were going to spend every night together, alternating between houses. I
would have preferred staying the whole time at Bens, but I knew that
someone in the family would notice my house was empty night after night. I
could explain a few nights away. I had also decided that at some point I was
going to ask Ben to make love to me. As apprehensive as I was, I assumed I
wouldnt get up the courage until the last night, if then, so I hadnt
mentioned it to Ben.
We kissed forever, touching, stroking and fondling each other. It
seemed like ages since wed been able to make love and we werent about to
rush it. I wanted to taste every little bit of Bens beautiful slim pale body and
I did. Ben used his mouth to work me over from head to toe as well. Several
times we had to pull back and rest, we were both so close to orgasm. Finally,
I rolled Ben onto his back and got in between his legs and prepared him for
my love. I lifted his legs over my shoulders and entered him, sliding down
into his warmth. We locked eyes as I began slowly pumping in and out of
him. The tight moist heat surrounding my cock was exquisite torture. I
wanted it to last forever but between all of the foreplay and the little tricks
Ben was working with his muscles I was a doomed man. In far too short a
time I felt my balls pull up tight and an explosion built within them, finally
letting loose deep into Ben. Ben had started stroking himself when he saw I
was getting close and he sent several volleys of his semen squirting all over
his chest and stomach.
I gently lowered Bens legs and leaned in to him, first kissing him
lightly on the mouth, then more passionately. Ben pulled back after a few
minutes and looked at me mischievously.
Unless youre ready to go another round youd better watch what
youre doing.
I looked down into his bright green eyes, only inches from my own. I
love you with all my heart, Benjamin Donnelly.
No more than I love you, J oseph Napoli.
I collapsed onto Ben and lay there until we both fell asleep. I was lying
in sticky pools of semen, but I didnt care. I was with my Ben.
*****
Ben
J oey and I started alternating between houses. It wasnt quite like we
were living together; it was more like we were gypsies traveling together.
But it was so nice not saying goodbye at night. I knew it was going to be
hard going back to that when his parents got home, but I didnt want to think
about that. I just enjoyed the time we had together.
Sunday afternoon my father and Lori came out from the city for dinner.
J oey spent hours in the kitchen preparing a feast. He was starting with a
mesculin salad with his own homemade creamy Italian dressing. As good as
it was, I knew Id prefer the creamy Italian hed be serving me later in bed.
Hed made lobster raviolis as an appetizer and was going to serve filet
mignon with peppers and mushrooms in a red wine sauce as the entre, with
asparagus tips and roasted garlic potatoes.
You dont have to go to all this trouble, J oey. Everything you make is
delicious. Last nights leftovers would probably impress them.
They live in Manhattan and from what you say they eat out several
nights a week in some of the best restaurants in the world. I know I cant
compete with that, but I have to give them something more than spaghetti
and meatballs.
I didnt press it because I could tell J oey was nervous about meeting
Dad, more so than he had been about Mother and Sam. I tried to help J oey in
the kitchen but I found that the most help I could be was in staying out of the
way. Dad had rented a car so I didnt have to pick them up at the train station
which meant I had nothing much to do once the table was set.
Working in the kitchen took the edge off his nervousness and by the
time they arrived J oey was a lot calmer.
Nice to meet you, Dr. Donnelly, Mrs. Donnelly. J oey shook hands
with both of them.
Its Ben and Lori, J oe, please.
Youre a junior? J oey squeaked at me.
Yeah, J oey. My family is as bad as yours when it comes to creativity
and babys names.
Dont blame my family on me. J enny and I got pretty creative. As if
on cue, their creation made his appearance just then. He snuck up behind
J oey and wrapped his arms around J oeys right leg, being bashful for a
change, hiding his face behind his fathers thigh. J oey reached down and
swung him up into his arms. This is my son, Connor, folks.
Ah, a nice Irish name for a beautiful Italian boy. Dad reached out and
ruffled Connors curly black hair.
I took drink orders and went into the kitchen, leaving Dad, Lori and
J oey in the living room. They were going through the usual polite small talk
when I got back with the drinks. As soon as I sat down Connor came over,
climbed up into my lap and made himself comfortable.
Now theres something I never thought Id see. Dad smiled across the
room at me. It doesnt look as unnatural as I thought it would.
Dad and Lori both warmed up to J oey quickly. Dad seemed especially
fascinated with Connor. Maybe it was his impending fatherhood that
prompted that. They were both very impressed with the meal. So was I.
J oeys talents in the kitchen constantly amazed me. After dessert, Lori
helped J oey clean up. I suggested they leave the kitchen until later but J oey
insisted, saying it would give me some time alone with Dad.
Dad and I took Connor into the living room and sipped brandy for a
while.
This is a beautiful home you have here, Ben. It suits you.
Well, you know Mother did the decorating, but Im pretty happy with
it. I bought it with just Lula and me in mind, but it works well with Joey and
Connor, too.
You make a nice family, Ben. Not quite Norman Rockwell, but close.
Im happy for you.
Thanks, Dad. How is your little family going? Lori seems to be doing
well.
She is. Everything is on schedule. Weve been talking about moving
out to the suburbs after the baby is born. Seeing this place makes it look
even more appealing.
I thought for a minute. It would be nice to have Dad nearer, more easily
a part of my life, assuming they picked New J ersey and not Long Island,
that is, but experience told me it wasnt a good idea.
Dont do it, Dad.
Why not? Your mother and I moved out of the city when you were
little.
Thats just it, Dad. Between the long hours you put in getting your
practice started and the commute, I never saw you. And it probably didnt
help your marriage to Mother, either. Besides, you and Lori love the city
and all it has to offer.
Youre right about that. But seeing you here with J oey and Connor, it
just looks so right. I have a second chance here with Lori and the baby and I
dont want to screw up this time.
This is right for J oey and me. Were suburban boys. You have to look
at whats right for you.
Dad looked at me for a while and smiled. When did you grow up and
get so smart, Ben?
Monday after work I stopped by the house to let Lula out and then went
over to J oeys house. Id have to run back home to let Lula out again near
bedtime. This switching houses wasnt entirely convenient. Because of Mrs.
Napolis allergies I couldnt bring Lula along with me the nights I stayed at
their house. J oey had gone in to the nursery for a few hours in the morning
because Gina had been able to watch Connor. He was piecing together a
part-time schedule based on baby-sitter availability. He met me at the door
with his coat on.
Hey, I just got here. Where are you going?
A customer in Chatham wants to go over an idea she had for her
garden.
In J anuary?
Were not going to do any work until April, but she had this idea and
she wants to show me before she forgets. The customers always right, you
know. Ive gotta run. Connors right there. I stuck my head around the
corner and saw him sitting on the floor playing.
J oey left and I went into the room and got comfortable in Mr. Napolis
recliner. Connor climbed up into my lap, I turned on the TV and we watched
the second half of Oprah together. I turned the set off when the show ended
and snuggled with Connor. We must have fallen asleep because the next
thing I knew I was startled by a sound across the room. I looked up, rubbed
my eyes and saw what at first glance appeared to be a teenage J oey staring at
me.
Uh, J ames, isnt it? What can I do for you? I was feeling groggy from
my little nap but I remembered that he was the one from the nursery, the one
that J oey hadnt yet had a chance to talk to.
His eyes shot all around the room and he definitely looked nervous. Is
my Uncle J oey around?
He went out to an appointment. He should be back soon.
There was a long silence. What are you doing here?
Right now Im keeping an eye on your cousin. I nodded at Connor
who was sleeping on my chest.
Another silence. What were you doing to Uncle J oey that day at the
nursery?
We were just horsing around, but I really think you should talk to him
about that. I knew Joey had been trying to find time to have a talk with
J ames and I didnt want to say the wrong thing.
You should stay away from Uncle J oey. What you were doing was
wrong.
Wrong? Were friends, J ames. We werent doing anything wrong.
My dad says youre queer and thats sick. Uncle J oeys a good guy.
You shouldnt be messing around with him.
I agree that J oey is a good guy, J ames. Hes a good friend and I like
him a lot.
Hes been real upset since Aunt J enny died. I think youre just
confusing him and taking advantage of him. Thats what my dad says.
Like I said, I think you should talk to J oey about this, J ames.
Dad says your kind of life is sad and hopeless, so you have to go after
normal people to try to find happiness.
I dont want to contradict your father, but there are lots of people who
would disagree with him on that. I have a very good life and Im happy,
J ames. Being gay is just a little different, thats all. Aside from who I love,
Im just like anyone else.
J ames looked like he wasnt sure what to do or say next. All of a
sudden, he turned and dashed out the front door, leaving me sitting there
wondering if Id said too much or too little. When J oey came in a few
minutes later Connor was still asleep. I told him about my encounter with
his nephew.
Damn! Hes been avoiding me the last couple of weeks and now that
hes ready to talk, I missed him. Its nice to know hes so concerned about
me, but it sounds like hes really messed up over this, thanks to Vinnie.
Maybe you can talk to him sometime this week. Ill stay out of the way
if that helps.
It looks like the only reason hes kept his mouth shut is that he thinks
youre the bad guy in all of this, but once I come out to him, hell probably
tell the whole family. I was planning on telling everyone after Mom and Pop
were back a while, but this way theyll end up coming home to world war
three.
Maybe it wont be so bad. He clearly adores you but hes confused and
Vinnies filled his head with all kinds of garbage.
Well see. I knew this was going to be hard, but it just keeps getting
more complicated. With such a huge family I should have expected it.
*****
Joey
I called and left a message for J ames at his house, just one of those,
Sorry I missed you when you stopped by, give me a call if you want
kind of things. The rest of the week went by and he didnt call. I didnt want
to follow up and get Vinnie curious so I left it at that. J ames had waited a
couple of weeks already; if he could wait a little longer Id be out to the
whole family and then talking to him would be so much easier. Maybe.
Monday night I took Connor to the bowling alley with me. I could have
had someone baby-sit, but I wanted to save the goodwill of my family for
when I had to go to work. I had my brothers keep an eye on Connor when I
was bowling. My team was assigned to lanes very close to Bens, so every
time I got up to bowl, Connor toddled over toward Ben. Vinnie and J ohn
made a point of catching him and bringing him back. I did take Connor over
between games to introduce him to Bens teammates. Even though Ben was
spending the night at my place, wed taken separate cars to the lanes for the
sake of appearances. Since I had Connor with me I went straight home after
bowling, skipping Angelos. Ben had to drop by his place to take care of
Lula, but then joined me at home.
The rest of the week we alternated houses. Friday night he stayed with
me. It had been an awkward week but Id loved every minute of it. On
Sunday, Mom and Pop would be back and, at least until Id talked to them,
things would have to go back to the way theyd been. Id chickened out on
asking Ben to make love to me. I still wanted to try it, but I put it off for
later. I made love to him when we stayed at his house. When we were at my
place, we usually stuck to oral sex or mutual masturbation. It was all good,
but when Connor was sleeping in the same room we tried to be as quiet as
possible. Even at that, I got a secret little thrill out of having sex with Ben in
my room, the room Id grown up in.
Saturday morning I woke up with Ben in my arms. He was still sleeping
and a glance at the crib told me Connor was too. It wasnt very light out but
at this time of year that didnt mean it was early. I lay there enjoying the feel
of Bens skin against mine when I realized something was wrong. I smelled
coffee. It had taken me long enough to convince Mom to use a coffeemaker,
but she refused to have one that had a timer on it, so the only way to brew
coffee was to manually hit the on button. I leapt out of bed and grabbed
my boxers from the floor. I looked Connor over as I pulled them on and then
dashed down the stairs.
I ran into the kitchen and there was Anthony in a sweat suit, leaning
against the counter, sipping a mug of coffee.
Anthony! What are you doing here this early?
I was out for my morning run when I saw a strange car in the driveway.
I came in to check.
My stomach felt like there was a large rock in it. Um, Ben spent the
night. I told you hed probably stay over at some point while Mom and Pop
were away.
I went upstairs, J oey. I saw the two of you in bed, naked, arms around
each other. What the fuck is goin on? He sounded dead serious though not
necessarily angry.
My first instinct was to say, Its not what you think, but it was exactly
what he was thinking. I couldnt get any words to come out of my mouth. I
slowly crossed the room, took a mug from the cabinet, poured some coffee,
added milk and sugar and took a long sip. I set the mug down on the counter,
took a deep breath and looked Anthony right in the eye.
Its just what it looks like, Anthony, and more. Ben and I are in love
with each other.
Thats crazy, J oe. Youre not gay. What are you talking about?
I am gay. Ive always known it but I never did anything about it. Even
when I met Ben, I didnt have any intention of doing anything about it. But I
fell in love. And, fortunately, he fell in love with me, too.
Anthony slowly walked around in a circle a couple of times, holding his
head in his hands. He stopped and shook his head at me.
Youre my brother, J oey. Youre not one of those gay guys from New
York or San Francisco. You were married, you loved J enny. This is all
wrong.
Yes, Im your brother, and I did love J enny. But Ive never felt
anything remotely like that for any other women. All of my other attractions
were for guys.
So now youre gonna start sleeping with guys? How is the family
supposed to deal with that? This is gonna kill Mom and Pop, you know.
Not guys, just one guy. I love Ben and hes the only one I want to be
with. I know everybody is going to have some trouble accepting that, some
more than others, but were a family. Well work it out. Everybody already
knows Ben. You said you liked him.
Thats before I knew you were fucking him! You are fucking him,
arent you? Please God, dont let it be the other way around.
Its really none of your business what Ben and I do in bed.
Oh, shit!
Anthony and I turned as one and saw Ben standing in the doorway in his
shorts, hair sticking out at odd angles, Connor balanced on his hip. The three
of us just stared at each other for what seemed an hour. Finally, Ben broke
the spell.
Um, I think Connor needs to be changed.
I crossed the room to Ben and took Connor from him. After feeling his
butt I knew Ben was right, but I didnt want to leave Anthony until I was
sure he was okay with what Id told him. I also didnt want to leave him
alone with Ben.
Anthony, we need to talk this out. Can you wait for me in the living
room?
Ben, why dont you fix yourself a cup of coffee? Ill be back in a couple
of minutes.
Anthony left the room without a word and Ben walked over to the
coffeemaker. I told him Id be back down as soon as humanly possible and
rushed upstairs with Connor, changing him in record time. When I came
back down they were both sitting in the living room. Ben was nervously
sipping his coffee; Anthony was glaring at him in silence. He looked up at
me and then back at Ben.
Anthony, I know this is a shock. I havent exactly prepared you or
anyone else for this, but youve got to believe that I love Ben and he loves
me. This is who I am.
Then whos the guy I thought I knew the last twenty-six years?
Thats me, too. Im the same guy. Nothings changed, really. Im still
J oey.
How can you say nothings changed? I feel like I dont even know
you.
Ben cleared his throat. Anthony, J oey is the most decent man I have
ever known. Hes a hard worker, a good brother, a loving son, a devoted
father. How can you say you dont know him just because hes fallen in love
with someone you didnt expect?
Anthony stared at the floor for a few minutes, then looked up at me.
Are you sure, bro? Are you sure this is what you want?
Yes, Im very sure.
Are you happy?
Yes, Anthony, Ben makes me very happy.
Anthony nodded his head. I suppose I should have known. You were
so miserable for so long after J enny died. It broke my heart just to look at
you sometimes. But the last few months, youve been different. Weve all
commented on it. Youre happy again. If this is what Ben does for you, I
guess I can learn to deal with it.
Im sure the next-door neighbors heard the sigh I let out. Thanks for
understanding.
Anthony turned to Ben. But if you ever do anything to hurt J oey, I
mean anything, youre gonna have to answer to me. Got that?
Ive got it, Anthony, but you dont have anything to worry about. I
love J oey and only want to make him happy.
I knew they werent about to have one of those feel-good hugs, and
Anthony wasnt about to start calling Ben bro, but it was a better
resolution than Id dared hope for.
Can you do me one favor, Anthony? I was planning to tell everyone
once Mom and Pop were back from their trip and settled in. Can you keep it
to yourself until then? J ohn and Vinnie are going to totally freak and I dont
want Mom and Pop coming back to that.
Ill keep quiet for now. Youre right about our brothers. Theyre gonna
have a really hard time of it. So are Ma and Pop. Theyre from a whole
different world than you and me. I just dont know how theyre gonna
handle it.
Neither do I, but Ive got to tell everyone. This family is my life, and
now Ben is my family as well.

Chapter Twenty
Ben
I was surprised that I was alone when I awoke. J oey always woke up
long before me, but hed developed a pattern over the week, regardless of
which house we were in. Hed get the coffee going, take care of anything he
had to in the bathroom, then check on Connor and take care of him. Then
hed get back in bed with me and gently wake me up. I looked over at the
crib and Connor was standing, holding onto the side rail, looking a little
worked up. When he realized I was awake he called my name. I dragged
myself out of bed and went over to him. He reached both arms up toward me
and when I leaned in he wrapped them around my neck. I had no choice but
to pick him up. As I did I could tell by the smell that J oey hadnt yet
changed his pampers.
I looked around the room and spotted my boxers on the floor near the
foot of the bed. I held Connor with my right arm and squatted down to pick
them up with my left hand. I managed to get my feet into them and pulled
them up. If wed been in my house I wouldnt have bothered; I would have
wandered naked through the house until I found Joey. But this was his
parents house and even though they were five thousand miles away, I
couldnt walk down the hall naked without imagining Mrs. Napolis face
glaring at me. I had to pee something fierce so I carried Connor into the
bathroom and held him on my right hip while I struggled to get my dick out
through the fly of my shorts. I wasnt used to peeing left-handed, but I
finally managed.
I followed the aroma of the coffee down to the kitchen and froze in the
doorway when I saw Anthony standing there. When I heard what he and
J oey were saying I nearly dropped Connor. Im not exactly articulate first
thing in the morning and the shock of realizing that Anthony knew
completely shut down my brain. The three of us just stared at each other for
the longest time. It was only when Connor wiggled on my hips that I
remembered why I was looking for J oey in the first place.
Fortunately, J oey having to change Connor gave me a chance to have
some coffee and wake up before we all had to talk. Unfortunately, it meant
he was leaving me alone with Anthony. While Anthony had never been
hostile toward me like the other brothers, we hadnt ever talked much either.
There was usually an uneasy silence between us, that of two strangers who
had nothing in common but were forced to share each others company.
Now that Anthony knew about J oey and me, there was a definite hostility in
the air. As we waited for J oey to return, I had to keep reminding myself that
this was the good brother.
After what felt like an hour but was probably less than ten minutes, J oey
came back to talk to Anthony. By then I had begun to wake up and clear my
head, but I tried to stay out of the conversation. This was something very
personal between the brothers and they had to work it out. It always amazed
me when family members were caught by surprise by someone coming out.
How could they not have picked up any signs? Could they be that oblivious
to a loved one? More likely, they didnt want to know so they ignored the
evidence in front of them. For a couple of months, all of J oeys relatives had
kept asking why he wanted to spend so much time with a gay guy. The
obvious answer just never seemed to occur to any of them.
Anthonys hostility was probably more due to the shock of walking in
on the two of us in bed than any real antipathy toward J oey. He didnt want
his brother to be gay and thought he could talk him out of it. It was as if
J oeys being with me was just something hed inadvertently done and he
could be brought back to heterosexuality merely by reminding him of who
he was supposed to be. Once Anthony had run through all of his arguments,
he was forced to face that J oey was gay, and then he began to deal with it.
This was his brother, after all.
As soon as Anthony had left J oey pulled me into his arms and squeezed
me so tight I could barely breathe. He held me like that a long time. I could
feel him trembling in my arms.
That was so hard, Ben, harder than I thought it would be. Though all of
my brothers are a lot older than me, Vinnie and John have always seemed
more like my peers, just regular big brothers. Anthony has always been as
much like a second father to me as a brother. Hes the leader of my
generation of the family and Ive always looked up to him and wanted his
respect.
I think he was shocked, J oey, but Im sure he loves and respects you.
Give him time. Hell deal with this all right, I think.
I know, its just so hard feeling like Ive disappointed him in some
way, telling him something he doesnt understand and doesnt like. I dont
know how Im going to tell Mom and Pop.
J ust remember who you are, how much love is in you and how much
you love them. I meant that when I said you were the most decent person
Ive ever known. Im sure your parents know that, too. They may forget at
first when they hear your news, but theyll remember after the shock wears
off. I gave him a tight squeeze.
I wish you could be there when I tell them. You give me strength, Ben,
but I think your being there could make things worse.
Hey, youre the strong one in this relationship. Im always leaning on
you. But if you need to lean on me, Im here for you. Ill always be here for
you, J oey, whatever you need. Id do anything for you.
I know, Ben, thats what helps me so much, knowing that youre there
for me. We give to each other and support each other.
J oey made a simple breakfast for the three of us. Hed only worked
scattered hours here and there all week, depending on when he could get
someone to watch Connor, so he was planning on putting in a full day at the
nursery. I had offered to take Connor for the day. After eating we switched
the baby seat from the minivan to the backseat of my Saab and J oey
strapped him in. Id suggested it would be easier to just switch vehicles for
the day but J oey was working with J ohn and didnt want to show up at the
nursery in my car. J ust another week or two and we wouldnt have to bother
with all of this nonsense. J oey kissed Connor goodbye. I had to settle for a
quick hug. At a red light on the way home a woman pulled up alongside me,
looked at Connor in the backseat and then gave me an approving smile and
nod. I couldnt help but think of that song from Sweet Charity, If My
Friends Could See Me Now. Big sissy queen turns into suburban daddy. I
looked at Connor in the rearview mirror and he looked back and giggled. He
thought it was funny, too.
When we got home I let Lula out and, after shed done her business,
Connor chased her around the yard a while. I let them in before he got too
cold and put him in the playpen in the family room with some toys while I
did some housework. Id let things pile up because Id been having so much
fun with Joey all week. Now and then I took a break in between chores to lie
down on the floor and have some fun with Connor. While Id watched him
for an hour now and then, Id been nervous about spending the whole day
alone with him. It was fun, though. When Id finished my chores I made a
simple lunch for the two of us, tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.
Connors taste buds must not be very well developed because he seemed to
think my cooking was every bit as good as his fathers.
After lunch I put him back in the playpen and went into my office to do
some emailing. Because my firm did accounting for businesses, the first few
months of the year werent the nightmare for me that they were for
accountants who had individual clients, but over the years I had created my
own busy season by offering to do tax returns for my friends. I handled the
forms for many of the guys who had been at the New Years Eve party and
Id started helping out people in the bowling league as well. Paul always
said it could be a nice side business for me, but I couldnt see charging my
friends for help. It was too early to start filing returns but I wanted to get
emails out to everyone reminding them to get their paperwork together so I
could get to work in early February.
I finished up and went into the other room to take Connor out of the
playpen. Almost immediately he grabbed at the seat of his pants and I
realized that my worst nightmare was about to come to pass. He needed to
be changed. J oey had warned me that he probably wouldnt make it all day
but Id been giving him pep talks, hoping to inspire him, not that he cared. I
led him into the guest room, his room, and covered the bed with a large
towel. After undressing him I put him on the towel and undid his pampers.
Id watched J oey do this lots of times, from a distance, of course, but this
looked like Connor had been saving up to make my first diaper change a
memorable one. He must have known how I felt because he kept laughing
all through the change. After he was clean and in a fresh diaper, I put his
pajamas on him. It was past time for his nap. I lay him down in the crib and
ran my fingers through his curly black hair for a minute, looking into his
beautiful blue eyes.
I know you got a pretty rotten deal, not ever getting to know your
mother, Connor. She was a pretty great lady, from what your father tells me.
But do you have any idea how lucky you are to have J oey as your father?
Hes a spectacular human being and he loves you with all his heart. Connor
just smiled up at me. And for what its worth, I love you, too.
I leaned over and kissed him on the forehead and ruffled his hair one
last time. I went into my room to lie down for a little nap myself. As I curled
up on the bed, thinking about my two guys, I realized I had never been so
happy in my life.
*****
Joey
I felt like I was spinning my wheels all day, working and getting
nowhere. Margaret, our bookkeeper, had been off most of the week. Her
older sister lived in Florida and was in poor health, so Margaret had taken
some vacation time to go visit her. None of the family was any good with
the books so she had instructed us to just keep track of the daily receipts and
expenses and leave the information in as orderly a fashion as possible on her
desk and shed take care of everything when she got back. My brothers
hadnt been very organized all week so I was trying to put her desk in order.
Normally Pop would have covered for her but I didnt want him coming
home to a nightmare of paperwork. By quitting time I had at least put
everything in neat, somewhat logical piles on her desk and had finished the
payroll for the week, but I hadnt been able to get much of my other work
done.
Ben and I spent a quiet evening at his house, enjoying our last night
together. I made slow passionate love to him and we fell asleep in each
others arms. It was just the way I wished every day could end.
Sunday afternoon Anthony picked Mom and Pop up at the airport while
I got the house ready for their return. I hadnt exactly made a mess but Mom
was a neat freak so I didnt want her to have to go to work the minute she got
home. Besides, most of the family would be coming over to welcome them
home. I spent the last hour or so preparing all kinds of food to nibble on.
When they walked in the house I wondered why we hadnt thought to
send them on this vacation long ago. They looked years younger and more
relaxed than I could remember seeing them. They went on and on about the
trip, both about the country and the relatives they had met. Both of them had
cousins there and of course the cousins had families of their own, so they
were immersed in family the whole time. Even Pop talked far more than
usual.
There was a steady stream of visitors, both family and friends, for the
next couple of days. I went to bowling Monday night and to Angelos with
Ben after that, but Sunday night and Tuesday night were pretty much open
house parties at home. It was a festive atmosphere but every now and then,
especially when I looked at Anthony, I wondered how and when I was going
to be able to bring up the subject of my relationship with Ben. Tuesday night
Mom made it clear to everyone that she wanted to try to get back to her
regular routine the next day and I decided that maybe by the weekend
everything would be back to normal and I could find some time to talk to my
parents.
Wednesday afternoon was my turn to close up at work. During the busy
ten months of the year the whole staff worked right up until closing, but in
the dead of winter there wasnt much point in everyone staying until six. I
had everything ready to go and was hanging out at the counter at ten to six
when Angie walked in.
Hey, stranger, this is a surprise. I havent seen you since Christmas
Eve.
Yeah, Ive been pretty busy. I was hoping to catch you before you
went home.
You just did. Im closing up in a few minutes. Whats up?
Angie was hesitant and seemed a little uncomfortable.
Um, your mother was in the salon today for her weekly wash and set.
Yeah, I know it killed her to miss last week although apparently one of
her cousins took her to a beauty shop in Naples that she didnt think was too
terrible.
She told me about it. She talked about the trip a lot, but she talked
about you and me even more.
I groaned. Shes got a one-track mind and just wont give up no matter
what I tell her.
Maybe I wasnt discouraging her enough a while back, but after we
talked last month Ive tried to tone down her hopes about us.
Ive been planning to have a long talk with her soon, anyway. Then she
wont be bothering you anymore, I hope.
Yeah, I think youd better talk to her. She halted for a moment, like
she was debating what to say next. Do you remember Barb Fisher from
high school?
I thought for a minute. Medium height, fairly chunky, short brown
hair?
Thats her, except now shes slim with long blonde hair. And shes
Barbara Collins now.
Okay, so whats she got to do with you and me?
Well, she does manicures at the salon and she was working on the
woman in the chair next to your mother this afternoon. Your mother was
going on and on about how she couldnt understand why something wasnt
developing between you and me. All of a sudden, Barb butted in with,
Maybe you should ask his boyfriend.
What? What did she mean by that? I couldnt imagine that anyone
knew about Ben and me. We always made a point of keeping our distance
and watching what we said when we were in public. And we didnt go out
that much anyway.
Your mother and I both asked that same thing at the same time. Barb
explained that her brother-in-law is gay and he was visiting last week. She
and her husband took him out to a local gay club one night where she said
she saw you and your boyfriend.
Ben and I hadnt been out in ages so when Becky and Glenn offered to
baby-sit Thursday night we jumped at the chance. Wed gone to the club for
a couple of hours, had seen a few of Bens friends and had a pretty good
time. I was frantically trying to remember if wed done anything
incriminating. That was the one place we didnt worry about how we were
acting because we just assumed everyone else there was either gay or cool
about the issue.
Yeah, I was there with Ben on Thursday. You know that Ben and
Becky and I go there now and then. She must have jumped to conclusions,
seeing me there with a guy.
Thats what I thought, but when I told her that you and Ben were just
friends she said that most friends she knew didnt spend half the evening
with their tongues down each others throats.
Oh, damn! She must have been mistaken. Maybe she saw Ben and me
earlier and then she saw two other guys who looked like us kissing later.
Thats what your mother said. Double damn! I forgot about Mom.
What did she think of all of this? Your mother kept insisting that she had to
be wrong, that her Joey would never do anything like that. Barb was just as
insistent that she knew what she saw. It was starting to get ugly between the
two of them until I finally got Barbs attention and signaled her to stop.
Then I changed the subject back to Italy, but it was pretty tense the rest of
the time your mother was there.
I had been thinking about how to raise the issue with Mom and Pop the
next weekend, but it looked like the decision had been made for me. Mom
might not have wanted to believe Barbara and would have defended me
against her accusations, but she couldnt ignore them. I wondered what kind
of reception was awaiting me at home.
Its true, isnt it, J oey? Ben is your boyfriend, Angie said after a long
silence.
Yes, Angie, he is.
At least now I know why I never stood a chance with you. Were the
two of you together all along? I feel pretty foolish.
Please dont feel foolish. At first Ben and I were just friends. It kind of
snuck up on both of us. Once I realized my feelings for him, I tried hard not
to mislead you, but I wasnt ready to come out either.
Well, I cant say I understand it, but, looking back, there does seem to
have been a special connection between the two of you. I hope it works out
for you. I really mean that. Youre a great guy, youve been through some
bad times and you deserve to be happy.
Thanks, Angie. That means a lot to me. And I know its going to work
out with Ben. We love each other very much.
Angie gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek. Good luck when you
get home. Knowing your mother Id say youre in for a rough evening.
Angie left and I closed out the cash register and locked up. I was
tempted to skip going home and run right to Ben. I knew if I did that Id
have to call home and let them know and that would be just as bad as going
there, so my little fantasy escape didnt last long. On the short ride home I
tried to convince myself that I could handle this. After all, Id been standing
up to Mom on a daily basis my whole life. But it was never on something as
important as this. The things she challenged me on and complained about
were usually nonsense, insignificant little details she liked to blow up out of
proportion. I couldnt imagine how shed blow up something so big it didnt
need any amplification. And Pop. He never argued or yelled, but just one
quiet word of disapproval from him could shake my whole world. I loved
them both so much and needed them to love me back, always.
I pulled into the driveway, shut off the engine, took a deep breath and
got out of the car. Id been trying to avoid thinking about this moment for
months and now it was here. I went in the back door, expecting to see Mom
in the kitchen, getting supper ready to put on the table. There were a couple
of pots on the stove and I could smell food, but no one was around. I went
into the living room and found them, Pop sitting up in his recliner, Mom in
the middle of the couch, her hands folded in her lap. They both looked up at
me as I walked into the room.
J oey, your mother heard something very disturbing today and I think
we need to talk about it.
I thought it was a good sign that Pop was starting us off. He was a lot
calmer than Mom, though the fact that Mom wasnt her usual self didnt
bode well. I sat in a chair facing the two of them.
I know, Angie stopped by the nursery just before closing. I looked
around the room. Wheres Connor?
Hes upstairs in his crib with some toys. I thought the conversation
might upset him if things got out of hand.
Theres no reason for things to get that bad, Pop. Were all adults here.
Lets just talk.
No reason? You didnt hear what that girl was saying about you in
front of everyone at the salon. I wanted to slap her. Ive been telling you and
telling you that people would begin talking about you if you kept
associating with that man. People always want to believe the worst about
others.
Could it be that Mom still didnt believe it, that she was that much in
denial? For a split-second I saw a chance to talk my way out of this but
immediately pushed that thought out of my mind. If I did that it would be
blatant lying, which would make coming out later so much harder, and it
would have to be much later. This had to be done and there would never be
a better opening.
Well, sometimes what people see is the truth, Mom. They dont have
to use their imagination, its all right there in front of them.
Mom looked down at the floor and spoke more quietly. I know, J oey. I
didnt want to believe it but she was far too positive and went into too much
disgusting detail.
Its not disgusting, Ma. Ben and I love each other.
Love? Have you lost your mind? So much for any thought of a quiet
talk. This isnt you, J oey. Dont you think I know my own son? Ive
watched you every day of your life. Ive seen you with J enny. You were
happy with her for years.
Nobody can know everything about another person, Mom. There are
things we often dont even admit to ourselves.
I went into a long explanation of my feelings for J enny and my
attractions for other guys going back to high school. Id had to explain to so
many people that it was almost like playing a record, though I tried hard to
make them understand. Mom kept shaking her head, occasionally waving
her hands in front of her face as if to ward off my words. Pop just stared
across the room into space.
The doctor was right. After J ennys funeral, he wanted you to see a
psychiatrist. I kept telling him, My J oeys not crazy, hell be fine after a
while. But maybe you should have talked to someone.
Im not crazy, mom. Sure, I was grief-stricken then and Ill always
miss J enny, but Ive been able to move on, thanks to Ben. Ive found love
again and Im happy.
Love Happy? What youre doing is unnatural and sick. And a sin.
You know what the Church says about it.
Yes, I know. And I also know that good people disagree about all
kinds of things that the Church teaches. If everything were so clear-cut there
would still be only one Christian church. Personally, I believe that love is
the most important thing our religion teaches us, and love is never wrong.
This isnt love, J oey, its lust. I just dont know how you could choose
something like this.
It is love, Ma. I was in love with J enny so I know what love is, and
thats what I feel for Ben. We dont choose who we fall in love with. It just
happens, if were lucky.
Lucky? This will destroy your life. And Connors, too. Have you
stopped to think about how this will affect your son? Hes just an innocent
baby and youre exposing him to this sordid lifestyle.
Ma, theres nothing sordid about any of this. Ben is a good person and
he loves Connor. And Connor loves Ben.
Well, I just wont have it! I know youre an adult, but were your
parents and this is our house. You are not going to see Ben again, ever.
Tomorrow morning Im calling Dr. Peretti to have him recommend a good
therapist. And youre going to have a talk with Father Vittorio. You were
happy with J enny, you can be happy with another woman if you set your
mind to it. You obviously dont know what youre doing so its up to us to
keep you from ruining your life. Tony, say something! Youre his father,
you tell him.
We both turned to look at Pop. I thought Id done a pretty good job
holding my own against Moms ranting but I was shaking inside. I wasnt
getting anywhere with her and I didnt know how much longer I could deal
with this. Pop was always so much less emotional and more rational. Maybe
he could calm things down.
Pop had a pained look on his face and didnt say anything for a long
time. When he finally spoke up, my hope faded.
The only thing Ive ever wanted for you is to be happy, son. You were
so happy with J enny and then when we lost her you were devastated. It tore
my heart out to see you like that. I know youve been so much better lately
and you seem happy, but I cant imagine that there could be any future in a
relationship like this. All my life Ive been told it was wrong and so has
everyone else. A life like that would bring all kinds of pain and hurt. Youd
be rejected and hated by people. So I have to agree with your mother. A
more normal life is what would make you happy in the long run.
Then its settled. Ill call the doctor in the morning and youll go to
church, J oey. They wont miss you at the nursery for one day. Were going
to take care of you and make this right.
We all sat in silence for a few seconds but that was all it took for me to
make up my mind. I got up and went upstairs without a word. I picked up
Connor and clutched him to my chest. He worked his magic on me and after
a minute I stopped trembling. I set him down on the bed and went into the
guest room, grabbing a large suitcase from the closet. I opened the case on
my bed and began packing a few changes of clothing and some bare
necessities for both Connor and me. I went into the bathroom for a few more
things. The last thing I packed was the wooden box of memories from my
top drawer. I closed the suitcase, picked Connor up and placed him on my
left hip and grabbed the case in my right hand. I took one last look around
the room.
Okay, boy, time for us to move on.
When I got downstairs Mom and Pop were still talking in the living
room. They looked up and their eyes widened when they saw the suitcase.
What are you doing? Where do you think youre going? Mom got up
from the couch.
Obviously I disagree with both of you about what is right for me and
what will make me happy. But I agree with one thing you said, Mom. You
are my parents and this is your house. You have some say over my life as
long as I live here. So Im leaving. Connor and I are going to Bens house.
Youre not walking out on us and you are certainly not taking my
grandson to that mans house.
I know this has been a shock to both of you, Mom, and youre upset. I
hope that when you calm down and have a chance to think about what Ive
said youll feel differently. In the meantime, its better if were not in each
others faces all the time. As you said, Im an adult. And Connor is my son,
so he goes where I go.
Mom started across the room toward me but Pop grabbed her hand and
stopped her.
Let him go, Rose. We all need some time to calm down.
I turned and walked through the kitchen to the backdoor as fast as I
could while trying not to look as if I were running away. I put the suitcase in
the back of the van and strapped Connor into his seat, then got behind the
wheel and backed out of the driveway. I gripped the wheel tightly and drove
very slowly and carefully, hoping I could hold it together for the five
minutes or so it would take to get to Bens, praying that he would be home
when we got there.
I said a prayer of thanks as I pulled into the driveway and saw lights on
in the house. I unfastened Connor and grabbed the suitcase. Ben wasnt
expecting me so I had to ring the doorbell. When he opened the door,
Connor rushed past him to get to Lula. Ben looked down at the suitcase and
then into my eyes. He held his arms out and I rushed into them and
completely fell apart.
*****
Ben
Id been missing J oey all week. Ten days of living together and I was
hooked. Sunday afternoon I caught up on housework and I did some reading
in the evening. Monday was bowling and then our hour at Angelos. It felt
like I hadnt seen J oey in a week when it had actually only been thirty-some
hours. Becky came over as usual Tuesday evening and that was great,
except that I still missed J oey. I knew he was catching up with his parents
but by Wednesday I decided that I had to see him before the weekend. I was
nuking a frozen dinner when the doorbell rang. Lula beat me to the door and
was impatiently waiting as I opened it.
I was surprised to see J oey standing there. When Connor pushed past
me I looked down and saw the suitcase, then looked back up and saw the
pain in Joeys face. He collapsed against me and burst into tears. I held him
in the open doorway while he let it all out. Connor turned away from Lula
and came back to grab J oeys leg.
Daddy? I looked down and saw the confusion on Connors face. I
didnt want to let go of J oey but I quickly loosened my grip on him, bent
down and scooped up Connor with my right arm, pulling him into a
three-way hug with his father. J oey put his arm around Connor and
immediately started to get himself under control and his crying subsided
into sniffles. I directed him through the doorway and took his suitcase,
closing the door behind us.
They found out.
I nodded. That was the obvious explanation. He didnt say anything else
so I put an arm around him and led him into the family room. He took off his
coat and Connors and they sat on the couch while I went into the kitchen
and poured us each a brandy. I was chilled from standing in the open door
and I was sure he could use a bracer. When I got back Connor was on the
floor playing with Lula. I sat next to J oey and handed him a glass. He took a
sip and sighed.
It was horrible, but I dont know that I expected any better. He went
over the entire story, starting with Angies visit to the nursery, as we sipped
our brandy. When he finished he shrugged. So I guess thats it.
Well, it sure could have gone better, and I know it was a painful
experience, but I think theres room for hope. As you said, a good part of
their reaction was due to shock. Look how Anthony reacted the other day.
He hasnt exactly done a one-eighty, but he did calm down a lot once he
thought it over. Your fathers main concern is your happiness, so thats a
good sign. His issue is whether you can be happy in a gay relationship, and
thats something we can talk to him about and work on. Your mothers
opposition is more basic, but you know she loves you, so maybe shell
soften over time.
A long time, Im sure. You dont know Mom. Shes opinionated and
stubborn.
She also loves you. I put my arms around J oey. I know its easy to
say everything will be all right, and it probably wont be for a long time, but
I dont think its as bad as it seems. They didnt throw you out, after all.
Well get you through this, J oey.
Youre putting a much better spin on this than I am. I hurt them both so
much with this news. I could see it in their eyes.
You hurt them? Yeah, I suppose you did, but they hurt you, too. You
hit them with news they didnt like or understand and they were reacting to
it emotionally, without any real thought. But theyre your parents. Theyre
supposed to love you unconditionally, and I think that once the shock has
worn off theyll remember that. It may take a while, but this will work out.
Can Connor and I stay here until then? I know I should have called
instead of just appearing on your doorstep but there wasnt time and I
wasnt thinking very clearly.
You know you dont have to ask. You can stay here forever if you
want. Nothing would make me happier, although I wish it were under other
circumstances.
We sat on the couch in silence and watched Connor for a while. I held
J oey in my arms the way he usually held me.
It hurts so much, Ben, being rejected like that.
I know, baby. I wish I had magic and could make it all go away.
J oey turned and kissed me lightly on the lips. You do have magic.
Youre doing just fine.

Chapter Twenty-One
Ben
I wasnt surprised when the alarm went off Thursday morning and I
found myself alone in bed. J oey had had a restless night. His tossing and
turning woke me up a couple of times. I wasnt sure if he was awake or just
having bad dreams but I put my arms around him and held him until he
calmed down both times. As I got out of bed I smelled the wonderful
combination of coffee and bacon. I pulled on a pair of boxers and followed
my nose to the kitchen. J oey was standing at the counter breaking eggs into
a bowl.
Mornin, sleepyhead.
Sleepyhead? Its seven oclock, the alarm went off and Im up. Thats
pretty good for me. How are you feeling this morning?
So-so. He shrugged. I took a mug from the cabinet and poured myself
a cup of coffee. I didnt sleep well, but I guess you know that. Sorry if I
disturbed your sleep.
Dont give it a second thought. I love spending the night with you,
even if youre a little restless. I looked over the counter into the family
room and saw Connor and Lula in the playpen together. So we have two
babies now?
Yeah, Connor wanted to play with Lula but I couldnt watch him and
make breakfast at the same time, so I threw them both in the slammer. I let
Lula out back when I first got up so shes okay.
So whats on your agenda today?
Well, Im not going in to work. I dont have anyone to watch Connor
and even if I did I dont feel like facing anyone yet, especially J ohn and
Vinnie.
Shit, when we were talking about your parents last night I didnt give
any thought to those two. Do you think theyve heard the news?
Of course. You dont know my family very well. Ill bet Mom was on
the phone to Donna Marie before I even got here last night, and that
everyone knew within an hour. I shut off my cell phone when I pulled in
your driveway because I knew it would be ringing all evening and I just
didnt want to hear from anybody.
So what are you going to do today?
I guess Connor and I will just hang out here if you dont mind. Ill
unpack and maybe go to the store for a few things.
Why dont you come by my office at noon and well have lunch at the
mall?
Then you can do your shopping there. I dont want you to be alone all
day.
That sounds nice. I need you to do me a favor this morning. Even
though Im sure nobody expects me, I cant just not show up at the nursery.
But I really dont feel like talking to anybody there either. So when you get
to work can you call and talk to Anthony and tell him I wont be in today or
tomorrow?
Im not sure hes gonna want to talk to me.
Its not a social call, just tell him I wont be in. Please?
Of course I will.
J oey scrambled the eggs and took a platter of hash browns and bacon
out of the oven. He held Connor on his lap as we sat at the counter and ate.
This is a feast compared to the Pop-tarts I usually have for breakfast.
Dont get spoiled. Im not going to be staying home to cook for you
every day.
After breakfast I quickly showered, shaved and got ready for work. I
gave Connor and J oey each a kiss good-bye, reminding J oey that he was to
be at my office in four hours. I hated leaving them alone but Joey seemed to
be feeling better than he had the night before.
When I got to work I called the nursery and asked for Anthony. I wasnt
sure who answered the phone but it sounded like Vinnie. Fortunately, he
didnt ask who I was. After a minute, Anthony came on the line.
Hey Anthony, its Ben. Silence. J oey asked me to call. He wont be
in today.
I figured as much. How is he?
Not so good. That talk with your parents took a lot out of him last
night.
Yeah, I dont think anyone handled it very well. Tell him to call me if
he wants to talk about it. And Ben?
Yeah?
Take care of him.
Dont worry about that, Anthony. I will. Ill make sure hes all right.
J oey and Connor showed up at my office about a quarter to twelve.
They were both a big hit. For years my co-workers and their spouses had
been bringing their kids into the office to show them off. That wasnt my
point in asking Joey to come by, but I was glad to have the chance to turn the
tables on everyone. Theyd all met Paul several times and knew wed
broken up last year, but Id only recently begun talking about J oey in the
office. I hadnt taken him to the company Christmas party because that
would have been too difficult for him to explain to his parents, so this was
everyones first chance to meet him. Some of the young women were very
impressed and couldnt take their eyes off him. The combination of J oey
and Connor was like a one-two punch. The two of them scored a knockout
with everyone.
*****
Joey
I spent most of the morning cleaning the house, not that it really needed
it. Cleaning was just a great way to work off nervous energy. Of course, I
couldnt stop my mind from replaying the scene from the night before,
especially the looks on my parents faces. With Pop it had been more deep
thought, concern and sadness. From what hed said, I think his main
concern was my happiness and he didnt see that as a possibility if I chose a
life with Ben. Im sure he also had all of the old preconceptions about
homosexuality firmly imbedded in his head as well. Moms expression
alternated between disappointment and anger, with a touch of disgust
thrown in now and then. I knew from the way shed talked about Ben that
Mom had real issues with the morality of homosexuality. But she was also
used to getting her way within the family. On top of everything else, she
viewed my being gay as a rejection of her.
By late morning I got up the courage to turn on my cell phone. Only six
voice mail messages.
Anthony: Hey J oey, it sounds like things didnt go very well. Call me
if you need to talk. Take care of yourself.
Vinnie: Are you out of your fuckin mind? That perverts got you
brainwashed. Im gonna have to beat some sense into you.
Donna Marie: Whats gotten into you? I think youre a little old to be
experimenting around like this. Grow up and get real, J oey. Youve got
responsibilities. Your little fling is hurting a lot of people.
Tony: Hang in there, Uncle Joey. This isnt gonna be easy with this
family, but some of us are on your side. Im here if you need me.
J ohn: Are you trying to kill Mom and Pop? What the fucks wrong
with you?
If youre horny and want a blowjob theres plenty of girls willing to do
that.
The last call wasnt really a message. There was silence, then the sound
of a throat clearing, then a few more seconds of silence. I didnt recognize
the number. Since I had messages from everyone I expected to call it was
probably a wrong number.
Pretty much what I expected. Hostility from J ohn and Vinnie, cautious
support from Anthony, confusion from Donna Marie. The complete
acceptance and support from my nephew Tony made me want to hug him. I
so needed that from someone in the family. I had just finished going through
the messages a second time when Bens phone rang. I thought it might have
been Ben calling me but I still didnt think I should answer it. I let it go to
the machine and listened for the message.
J oey, its Sal. If youre there, pick up the phone. J oey?
I took a deep breath and picked up. Sal probably knew Ben better than
anyone in the family since he was in charge of the crew that did all of the
work on Bens yard.
Hey Sal. Whats up?
Dont play innocent with me, kid. Youre full of surprises, arent
you?
Not anymore. I think Ive shown my whole hand now.
Well, the shit really hit the fan with this one. Ive never seen this
family in such an uproar.
That wasnt what I intended but I suppose I expected it.
You caught everyone by surprise. I guess I should have seen it coming,
though, thinking back now on the way you guys looked when you were
together or even when you talked about each other.
So youre okay with it?
Well, the whole subject makes me a little uneasy, especially thinking
about the specifics. But from what Ive heard, you dont exactly have a
choice in these matters. Youve gotta play the hand youre dealt. So I guess
if youre gonna be with a guy, Bens a good one. I like him a lot.
So do I, though obviously in a different way.
Youd better believe it. So what are you going to do now?
I guess Ill stay here until things quiet down a bit and then see where
everyone stands. What is everyone like so far?
Well, J ohn and Vinnie are off the wall, as you can imagine. Anthony is
trying to keep everything calm. Your father is quiet, even more than usual.
Hows Donna Marie taking it?
Not real well, but not terrible either. Shes a lot like your mother,
though a bit more modern in her thinking. I think shes a little bit in denial
but once it sinks in shell probably handle it okay. Ill work on her.
Thanks, Sal. I really need all the help I can get. Im taking tomorrow
off but Ill be in on Saturday to try to get caught up with my work. That
means working with Vinnie but I cant avoid him forever.
Im sure hell have stopped cursing by then. And Ill be working on the
equipment in the shop out back on Saturday if you need me.
Lunch with Ben turned out to be a great idea. I needed the distraction
and meeting his coworkers took me out of my problems, at least for a few
minutes. Afterward, we went to the Livingston Mall and had lunch at
Applebees. Once we were there just being with Ben was a good enough
distraction, although we did end up spending quite a bit of time talking
about my situation.
I hope you dont mind putting up Connor and me for a while, Ben. I
know it was kind of sudden, just moving in on you like that.
You know you two can stay with me as long as you want, J oey. You
can stay forever, for that matter.
Thanks, Ben. I suppose that at some point we would have talked about
living together but I didnt expect it to happen so soon or so fast.
Thats okay. Sometimes the best decisions are the ones you dont
actually make. Have you talked to anyone in your family yet today?
I told him about my voice mail messages and the call from Sal. Can
you watch Connor for me Saturday if I go into work?
Sure, no problem. What are you going to do during the week, though?
At this time of year I can probably get away with only working a few
half days plus Saturday. I was thinking that maybe day care is the best
option, even if just once or twice a week. Ive never been crazy about the
idea, but as you pointed out, itll give Connor some experience being around
kids his own age. Ive gotta look on the positive side. Ill talk to Gina and
see if she can watch him now and then, too. Mom, Rita and Carla are
definitely out, and Ill wait until Sal has a chance to work on Donna Marie
before I ask her.
I called my mother this morning and told her what you were going
through. She offered to help in any way she can. Maybe she can do some
baby-sitting.
Thats really sweet of her, but she hasnt even met Connor yet.
Well, shes crazy about you and wants to help. And dont worry about
her with Connor. She may not come across as motherly, but she didnt do
such a bad job raising me.
I looked into Bens eyes and thought how lucky I was to have someone
like him love me. I reached across the table and took his hand in mine.
Yeah, Id say she did a very good job with you.
J ust then the waitress walked up and asked if we wanted dessert. She
looked down at our hands and made a face that indicated distaste. I lifted
Bens hand to my lips and kissed it lightly, then looked up at the waitress
and smiled.
J ust the check, please.
I was so nervous when I got to the nursery on Saturday. I knew there
was no way I was going to reach any kind of understanding with Vinnie.
Until business picked up in the spring our weekend hours were limited to
nine until three on Saturdays, so I only had to get through six hours. I was
planning on spending as much of that in the office as possible. Vinnie could
handle the customers.
I usually got to work before Vinnie but he was waiting for me at the
front counter when I arrived.
What the fuck are you doing, J oe? How did that perv brainwash you?
He didnt brainwash me, Vin. I just fell in love.
Love? Are you out of your fuckin mind? With J enny, that was love. I
dont know what this is. Hes playin games with you, taking advantage of
you.
Yeah, I was in love with J enny. I always will be. But this is love, too.
Bens not taking advantage of me. He loves me.
Shit! Youve been an emotional mess since J enny died. Anyone would
be, but you were always sensitive anyway. Now he comes along, pervin for
your body, playin up to you, making you feel like he cares. But hes just
using you! I cant believe youre so messed up that youd let a guy get to
you that way. Youre not queer, J oey!
I dont like that word, but I am gay, Vinnie. And Bens not just after
my body.
So youre a fag now? What were all those years with J enny about, a
lie?
You sure didnt look like you were faking it with her.
I wasnt. I told you, I loved her. But she was the only woman I ever felt
that way about. Except for J enny, my attractions have always been toward
guys.
Fuck, so youre telling me that all this time youve been sneakin
around, sucking cock, taking in up the ass?
I had to stop and take a deep breath to calm down. I knew this wasnt
going to be easy, but I was getting nowhere with him.
I havent been sneaking around, until the last couple of months,
anyway. Bens the only guy Ive ever been with.
Vinnie just shook his head.
The idea of that queer touching you makes me want to puke. And you
touching him back... I cant even think about it. Youre wrecking this family
and ruining your life doing this, J oey. I was gonna cut you a break on this,
figuring you were going through some kind of delayed emotional reaction
to J enny dying, or some psychological crap like that. But it sounds to me
like you know exactly what youre doing and it makes me sick. So as long
as you feel the way you do, youre out of my life. Stay away from me and
stay away from my family. I want nothin to do with you if youre gonna
throw your life away like this.
I started to reply but he just held up his hand.
Im through talking. Not another word until you come to your senses.
Go in the office and do whatever work you have to. From now on, unless its
business, I dont want to even talk to you. He turned his back on me.
I went into the office, took off my coat and sat down at my desk. Well,
at least it couldnt get any worse.
*****
Ben
For the rest of the week after J oey and Connor arrived at the house on
Wednesday we kept pretty much to ourselves. I went to work of course, but
we stayed home Thursday and Friday evenings. Id talked to Becky and she
offered to come over, but I thought J oey needed some time to get his head
together.
Saturday J oey went back to work and I stayed home with Connor.
Mostly he kept busy with his toys in the playpen while I paid bills and did
some paperwork, but I spent lots of time with him, too. J oey had done all the
housework while he was home so I didnt have my usual chores to do.
Connor and I played with his toys but my favorite thing to do with him was
to sit him in my lap and read to him. He was fascinated by his picture books
and it didnt matter how many times I read the stories to him; he got a big
kick out of it every time.
J oey came home a little after three and looked drained. Id delayed
Connors usual after-lunch nap so we could have time to talk if he wanted
to. He did, but he wanted a nap as well, so after putting Connor in his crib,
J oey and I stripped down to our boxers and got into bed ourselves. We lay
facing each other and I gently stroked J oeys face as he told me about his
conversation with Vinnie.
It was no worse than I imagined, but that still didnt make it easy. At
least its behind me now, although the constant tension and underlying
hostility is pretty wearing.
There was no glimmer of hope there? No sign that maybe he was
trying to understand?
Vinnie understand? Remember who were talking about here.
Yeah, I know, I expect him to hate me, but deep down he loves you.
Maybe he can get past this, given time.
Im not holding my breath. Vinnies always been stubborn and he feels
very strongly about this. Now theres only J ohn to face. He may be even
worse than Vinnie, but at least Pop and Anthony will be around when I see
him next week so hell have to tone it down a bit.
When are you going to be able to go back to work again?
I dont know. Monday morning Im going to check out those two day
care centers I called yesterday. A couple of mothers I worked with had
recommended two local centers. And I have to call Gina. She works at
home so she can probably watch Connor a little as well.
Dont forget Mother. She called today and invited us over for brunch
tomorrow but I told her Id have to see if you were up to it. I think it will do
you good to have a little supportive family around you. And she and Connor
could get to know one another.
Are you sure, Ben? I dont want to impose.
J oey, were family now. Its not imposing. I love you and so do they.
J oey looked like he was going to cry so I pulled him into a tight hug and
held him for a long time. After a while he turned and I put my arms around
him again, this time spooning him from the back, and we fell asleep like
that.
Mothers invitation was for a casual brunch Sunday afternoon. J oey
wasnt in a very good mood when he got home from church but he wanted
to go. Wed spent enough time at home staring at each other and holding
each other. We both knew we had to start getting back to some kind of
normal life.
Mother and Sam greeted J oey warmly and both made a big fuss over
Connor. For a casual brunch for just the five of us Mother had laid on quite
a spread. There were bagels, pastries, lox, cream cheese, several kinds of
fruit and yogurt, in addition to the entre of Eggs Benedict with home fries.
While we stuffed ourselves J oey ran down the reactions of his various
relatives.
I saw Mom in church this morning and she wouldnt even
acknowledge me. She and I always went to ten oclock Mass so I went at
eight, hoping to miss her. I guess she was thinking the same thing and went
early, too.
Maybe we could go to Holy Family Church in Florham Park for a
while, if youd prefer, J oey.
Thanks, Ben, but Ive been going to St. Vincents all my life and its
sort of like home to me. I get so much comfort from the familiarity there.
Maybe I can work something out through Gina so Mom and I go at different
times. Wait a minute, did you just offer to go to church with me?
It must really be love if Ben is willing to go to church. How many
years has it been?
You know I went Christmas Eve, Mother, though it was probably
twelve years before that. Yes, Ill go with you if you like, J oey. I know its
important to you.
Maybe I could talk to your mother, J oey. Do you think that might
help?
I dont know, Gale. I think she kind of blames my being gay on Ben,
and she probably blames his being gay on you.
Someone has to tell her that there is no blame here. As a mother whos
been there I might be the one who could get through to her.
But you never had a problem with me being gay, Mother. You were
always so supportive.
Yes, I tried to be supportive, but it wasnt easy at first. There werent
any warning signs that you were gay and I wasnt prepared. You didnt date
in high school but in college you were pretty close with Beckys sister, so I
just assumed you were straight. And while I always tried to come across as
sophisticated, I wasnt really very worldly. You were everything to me,
Ben, and while nothing would have ever made me stop loving you, I
panicked for a while. I read books, called hotlines, went to PFLAG
meetings. There was so much I needed to learn, and at the same time I
wanted to be there for you. Like I said, it wasnt easy at first.
I never knew. You were just so accepting and loving. I was so afraid of
losing you but you gave me the love I needed. I know Ive thanked you
before but I dont think that words will ever be enough to tell you how much
that meant to me.
Id never realized that Mother had had a hard time with my coming out.
Her support had been so unwavering that Id taken it for granted. Mrs.
Napolis reaction had made me realize how lucky I was. If Mother had
turned away from me when I came out I would have been devastated.
Knowing how she had struggled made me feel even more blessed. The
conversation had the opposite effect on J oey. From his silence and the look
on his face I could tell he was feeling the loss of his mothers love even
more. Mother noticed it too. She got up, walked around behind his chair and
bent over, wrapping her arms around him.
Give her time, J oey. Shes had more of a shock than I did. Your life up
until now didnt prepare her for this. Neither has her background. But she
loves you, I know she does. Were all behind you and well get you through
this.
*****
Joey
Monday morning I checked out the two day care centers and made my
decision. Connor would be spending Tuesday and Thursday mornings at the
one on Hanover Road. The rates theyd quoted me on Friday on the phone
had been based on full-time but since he was only going to be there two
half-days it was going to cost more than Id planned. Its a good thing Gale
had offered to watch Connor a half-day a week and Ben was taking
Saturdays, because the day care was going to cost nearly as much as I made
while he was there. Ben had told me not to worry about money, but I had to
contribute something toward household expenses.
Gale came over to the house at twelve and after Id shown her where all
of Connors supplies, clothes and toys were, I stalled around for a bit. He
seemed to like her, he liked nearly everyone, but I was a little on edge about
leaving him with someone new. Gale finally shooed me out the door.
Go on to work now, baby. I know youre nervous leaving Connor with
me but hell be just fine. And I know youre a bit anxious about facing your
family, too. J ust keep in mind that deep down they love you. They may not
act like it right now, but theyll remember, sooner or later. She gave me a
hug and a kiss on the cheek.
Thanks, Gale. Your support means a lot to me.
Youre part of my family now, and I love you. Now get out of here and
leave me to get acquainted with this beautiful little boy.
I was a wreck when I got to the nursery. I really didnt know why. I
knew I had nothing to fear from Anthony or Sal and Id already had it out
with Vinnie. That just left J ohn and he probably wouldnt be any worse than
Vinnie. Actually, it went a little smoother, though no better, with him. He
was at the cash register when I walked in.
So youve decided youre queer now, huh, J oey?
Im gay, J ohn, and its not something I decided. It just is.
You decided youd rather have dick than pussy. That was a decision.
I meant that we dont get to choose our sexual orientation and we dont
get to chose who we fall in love with.
You dont care what youre doing to our family, do you J oe? Youve
ripped Moms heart out, Pop looks like an old man all of a sudden. The
whole family is in an uproar. We all care about you but all you care about is
your dick. Have you thought about how this is going to affect Connor? Do
you give a shit about your son at all?
My fists clenched involuntarily at J ohns comment about Connor. I
took a deep breath before I answered him.
Im gonna pretend you didnt say that J ohn, because you know better.
How generous of you, he sneered. And its not just your kid youre
affecting with this. This gets at all of our families. Vinnies been worried
enough about J ames lately. You know how that kid always looked up to
you. Now hes completely withdrawn, hes just freaked out over this
bombshell of yours. And what are we supposed to tell the little kids about
this perverted life youre choosing?
Tell them the truth, that Im gay. Theyll know what that means. You
dont have to talk about sex, just tell them I love Ben.
Forget that shit. Im not gonna make my kids think that this is
somehow acceptable behavior. As far Im concerned, I agree with what
Vinnie told you on Saturday. As long as youre playing this game, youre
not my brother. You are no longer a part of my family. J ust stay out of my
way.
He turned and walked toward the adjoining greenhouse. I took another
deep breath and headed back toward the office. My feet felt like they were
made of lead as I neared the door. Pop was at his desk, his back to me.
Margaret saw me before I was even in the room and jumped up to excuse
herself. She hurried past me out into the shop.
Pop turned and looked up at me. J ohn was right; hed looked so good
when he got back from Italy a week ago and now he looked so much older.
Hey, Pop, how are you?
As good as can be expected given the circumstances.
He shrugged. There was a long silence as I got settled at my desk. He
finally spoke up again, but very softly. I turned and he was looking at the
wall in front of him.
I just dont understand these things, J oey. Maybe Im too old. I know
boys play around together sometimes. Thats normal, its curiosity, thats
all. But youre not a boy anymore.
Yes, I know lots of young guys experiment, Pop. I probably would
have if thered been any guys around who were my age when I was growing
up. But this isnt curiosity. It isnt a phase. Its always been a part of me and
always will be.
I want so much for you to be happy, J oe, but theres no future in
something like this. Where can it lead?
I dont know, Pop, where does love usually lead? To happiness
maybe?
Pop just shook his head again. Please be careful, son. Take care of
yourself and Connor, too. Im so worried about you.
Bens taking good care of us both. I hesitated. Hows Mom? Is she
handling this any better now that shes had a few days to think about it?
You know your mother. Once she makes up her mind it stays made up.
And she feels very strongly about this. Shes angry, shes disappointed and
shes hurt. Shell calm down after a while, but I dont think shes going to
change her mind anytime soon.
I guess well just have to wait then. I want you to know that I hate it
that Ive upset you both so much, but I love you too much to be dishonest
with you. Once I realized that Id fallen in love with Ben it was hard to keep
quiet about it, but I didnt want to hurt you. But hiding it and lying hurts
everyone more in the long run. Please know that I love you very much,
Pop.
There was a long silence. I love you too, son.

Chapter Twenty-Two
Joey
Tuesday I left Connor at the day care center for the first time. Hed
always been good around people; he was exposed to so many in my family.
But hed never been around kids his own age. He seemed curious about the
other kids but kept to himself, just observing them.
Dont worry about him, Mr. Napoli. Hell be fine. Ten minutes after
you leave hell be playing with the others as if they were lifelong friends.
The manager was very reassuring but I still felt a tug on my heart as I
left the room. Connor was standing in the middle of the room ignoring the
toys in front of him, staring at the other children as if they were aliens.
Im sure he will be. Hes generally good with people. I tried to
reassure myself. Dont forget Mr. Donnelly is picking him up a little after
four.
She looked through Connors file. Thats right, heres a copy of his
drivers license for ID and your signed permission for him to pick Connor
up. So go now, just leave everything to us. Connor is in good hands.
I knew that but it still didnt stop me from worrying all afternoon. That
combined with the tension of being around J ohn and Vinnie didnt make for
a pleasant time at the nursery. At least it was only for a half-day. When I got
home from work at five-thirty, Ben was sprawled on the couch in the family
room reading a book and Connor was on the floor playing with Lula. He
jumped up and ran to me. I was a little more sensitive about his mood than
usual but his greeting seemed no different than when I came home to Mom
and Pops house after work. I picked him up and hugged and kissed him.
While I was doing that Ben got up and joined us in a family hug.
You see, babe, hes fine. All that worrying for nothing.
Worrying? Who said I was worried? I put Connor down and he went
back to Lula. I watched as Ben went into the kitchen and took a bottle of
chardonnay from the refrigerator. He poured two glasses and handed me
one. We tapped glasses in a silent toast and sat on the couch together.
You didnt have to say anything. Ive got the bruises from all of your
tossing and turning in bed last night.
Oh, cmon, I wasnt that bad.
No, but I could tell it was on your mind. I know this has been a tough
week for you, J oey. I just wish there was some way I could make it all
better.
You do make it better, Ben. You have been so supportive. This all
hasnt been easy for you, either. First you had to put up with a lover who
was in the closet, now you have to deal with the fallout from my coming
out.
First of all, its not as if you were living in the closet. Youve lived
with confused, conflicting feelings your whole life and in a very short time
you managed to put them all in order and deal with them. And as soon as
you got your own head together on the subject you started working on a way
to share your truth with your loved ones. Thats not the same as building a
life in the closet.
Well, we did do quite a bit of sneaking around and shading the truth for
a while. I know you couldnt have been comfortable with that.
No, Ill admit Im not used to that and I couldnt live like that for long.
But I understood that you were working your way through it. You werent
trying to live a lie, you were trying to find a way to the truth without hurting
anyone.
I didnt exactly do a very good job, did I? I really made of mess of
things. Everyones life is turned upside down, including yours.
You cant control how other people are going to react. Thats up to
them. And dont worry about disrupting my life. I love having you and
Connor here. He hesitated a few seconds, then went on. I hope that even
after things get better with your parents, that you two will stay here with me.
I know we didnt plan on moving in together like this so soon, but this is the
way I want us to be.
I dont think things are going to smooth out with my parents anytime
soon, but I agree that I like being here with you. Maybe we were pushed into
it, but I think this is where we belong.
I took Connor over to see Gina after lunch on Wednesday. From what
Anthony had said she was handling my coming out better than most of the
family. I had been hoping to arrange for her to watch Connor a half day each
week, but between Gale and the day care center I wasnt sure I needed any
more regular help. We discussed it over coffee and she offered to help out
on an as-needed basis. I took her up on that on the spot.
So youre okay with having a gay brother-in-law?
She looked at me thoughtfully. You were younger than Connor when I
started dating Anthony. I even changed one or two of your diapers in those
early days. So Ive known you for just about your entire life. Ive watched
you grow from a sweet boy into a wonderful young man. Ive always loved
having you as a brother-in-law and your being gay doesnt change that.
Thanks, Gina. I wish everyone would look at it that way. Im still the
same guy I always was.
I know, Joey, and I think the others will see that too, after a while.
Some of them were pretty shocked.
And you werent?
Ill admit I didnt see it coming, but Ive known other gay people and
Tonys best friend is gay, so I just dont see what the big deal is all about.
How about the rest of the women in the family? Ive heard from all of
the guys. I assume youve talked to the women.
Well, you know your mother. Shes pretty strong in her opinions and
this has really thrown her, so shes dug herself in. It may be a while before
she comes around. Donna Marie is not quite so bad and Sal is working on
her so theres hope there. Vinnie pretty much has Rita under his thumb as
usual. Whatever he says she goes along with. And Carla and John might as
well be the same person. I dont think he influences her so much as that they
always think so much alike.
So if Sal can soften up Donna Marie maybe Ill at least have half a
family.
For now, J oey. Im sure it will get better soon.
I had decided to take advantage of my mothers regular salon
appointment to go over to my parents house for more of my things so I
asked Gina to watch Connor for a little while. It would be easier to pack if I
didnt have him along and I wasnt sure how hed react to being back at the
house for only a brief visit. Hed probably take it in stride like he did most
things, but I didnt want to take a chance on confusing him.
On the way over to the house I thought about how nice it was to have
someone like Gina in the family. She had always been like another big sister
to me and it was good to have some family left. Id considered inviting her
and the family over for dinner sometime, but I had to talk to Ben first.
Connor and I might have moved in, but it was still his house. I pulled into
the driveway and parked next to the back door. When I walked in the door I
froze in my tracks when I saw Mom in the kitchen.
What are you doing here?
I could ask the same of you. At least Ive got an excuse. I still live
here.
But you should be at your hair appointment.
You think I can ever show my face at the salon again after the way that
woman talked about you in front of everyone? People are staring at me all
over town. Everybody has heard about it.
Oh cmon, Ma, youre just imagining that. Most people dont even
know us and those that do dont care.
Were a big family and were known in town. Youve disgraced the
whole family. Yesterday when I was shopping two ladies in the supermarket
commented on you moving in with that man.
That man has a name, Ma. Its Ben, remember? And I dont care who
knows Im living with him. Its nothing to be ashamed of. I love Ben. Mom
frowned.
Well you should be ashamed. Its a disgrace, this decision youve
made. I dont know what youre thinking of. This just isnt like you, J oey. I
know you dont want to see a therapist but maybe you should see a doctor.
Maybe youve had a small stroke or something thats affected your brain.
My brain is fine and Im not crazy. I know what Im doing. Youre just
going to have to get used to it.
Never! I wont have any part of it. Youll come to your senses and see
that Im right. Until then if youre not going to listen to me dont talk to me.
If you came here thinking I was going to change my mind youve got
another think coming.
I was pretty sure you werent going to turn around that quickly, Ma.
Actually, I just came to get some more of my things.
Then get them and go! She turned to the stove, took a deep breath and
spoke in a calmer voice. Hows Connor?
Hes fine, Ma. Ginas watching him.
I would think that youd at least think about him in all of this.
I do, Ma. I always think of him. You know that.
I went upstairs to my old room and went through my drawers, picking
out what I needed and what Connor could use as well. Its a good thing Ben
had bought toys for Connor for Christmas because I didnt want to stick
around long enough to go through all of his things. I did go up to the attic
and brought down a car seat to keep in Bens car. It was a nuisance
switching the one in the van back and forth.
Mom wasnt around when I came back downstairs. I heard a noise in the
basement and figured she was deliberately avoiding me. Not that she was
hiding, more like shunning. She hadnt seemed as angry and disgusted as
she had been last week, but she was still firmly against my new lifestyle and
took it as a personal offense.
*****
Ben
It started snowing late morning Thursday. A noreaster was coming up
the coast and they were forecasting nearly a foot of snow before it moved on
up into New England. J oey called me at lunchtime to let me know he wasnt
going in to work so I wouldnt have to pick up Connor at day care. That
turned out to be a relief since the roads were terrible by the time I left the
office. The day care center was on the way home but I was glad I wouldnt
be driving in that mess with Connor on the car. One thing I pride myself on
is my driving, even in sloppy, snowy weather, but its the other drivers you
have to watch out for.
As much as Id always loved Lulas warm welcome home, J oeys was
infinitely better. The two combined, with Connor thrown in, was enough to
put me in heaven.
So, you played hooky today. Afraid of a little snow?
There isnt that much for me to do in the office that I cant catch up on
Saturday. And as far as being afraid of the snow, as soon as the storm lets up
Ill be out there plowing with my brothers. From what I saw on the Weather
Channel, that looks like half the night and all day tomorrow.
Damn, I forgot about that. How are you gonna get to the nursery? That
minivan doesnt look like it can get through a foot of snow.
Sals gonna pick me up in his J eep when its time to start. Hell take
me and Connor back to his place and Ill leave Connor with Donna Marie
for the duration.
You dont have to do that, J oey. If we get as much snow as theyre
talking about my office will definitely be closed tomorrow so Ill be home
all day. Connor can stay here with me.
Are you sure you dont mind? He can be a handful.
I was fine with him last Saturday. We get along great. He tells me all of
your secrets and we conspire against you.
Hmm, Ill have to watch what I say to him from now on. I always
thought he was on my side.
We had a quiet meal and spent the evening snuggling in front of the
fireplace. It was a relaxing, romantic evening, watching the snow fall in the
backyard, listening to soft music on the stereo. We turned in early, since we
didnt know when Sal would be calling. According to the forecast the storm
was supposed to end before dawn, so the call would probably come in the
middle of the night.
The phone woke us up at three oclock. J oey had time for a cup of
coffee and some oatmeal before Sal arrived. I filled one thermos with coffee
and another with hot soup for him to take along. When I let Lula out she hit
a wall of snow that was almost as high as her back. Since J oey was dressed
he went out and shoveled a small space for her on the patio. He came back
in, stamping his feet to get the snow off them.
Damn, there must be ten inches out there.
You say that like ten inches is a bad thing.
I was talking about the snow, slut. And if you think ten inches is so
good, when I get home well get out that little toy I got you for Christmas
and see how you like it.
I think thats probably more like fourteen, but Im sure I can handle it.
You cant be serious!
J ust kidding, J oey. Im not the Holland Tunnel. Youve got all I need
to keep me happy.
I spent the morning alternating playing with Connor and reading. I
re-shoveled the small area of the patio, enlarging it somewhat to give Lula a
little extra room to find her spot. After lunch I put Connor in his crib for his
nap and went into my office to do a little tax work.
About two in the afternoon I heard the sound of a plow scraping
pavement very close by. I looked out the living room window and saw a
small pick-up truck working on my driveway. I couldnt make out who was
driving it. I knew it wasnt J oey because Id talked to him a couple of times
on his cell phone and he was working in Chatham, so it had to be one of his
brothers. I put on a pot of coffee. No matter who it was I was sure they could
use a cup about now. I wasnt sure J ohn or Vinnie would accept, but I was
going to offer.
When the driveway was clear the truck stopped at the end and the driver
got out but I still had no idea who he was. Bundled up, they all looked the
same. He got a snow blower off the back of the truck and started clearing the
sidewalk out by the street. As he worked his way up toward the house I
opened the door and held up a coffee mug. He nodded, so I left the door
cracked open and went into the kitchen to fill the mug. When I turned back
toward the front of the house Anthony was coming in the door. I breathed a
sigh of relief and handed him the mug.
Theres sugar on the counter and milk in the fridge. I wasnt sure how
you liked it.
Thanks, Ben, black is fine. He took a long slow sip. Good coffee.
That really hits the spot. My thermos ran dry a while back.
I wasnt sure who you were but I figured any of you would need
something hot after all this time.
Youre right but I dont think theres any way Vinnie or J ohn would
have come into this house. Theyre working in Madison. J oey and Sal are
covering Chatham and Tony and I have Florham Park.
Tonys working for the nursery?
Hes not going to make a career out of it, but he enjoys plowing and
its nice extra money for him while hes in school. And with him helping out
Pop can stay home. He took another sip and narrowed his eyes. Hows
J oey doing, Ben? Is he holding up okay?
Hes doing all right. Not great, but okay. He knew the family reactions
were going to be something like this so he had a chance to prepare himself,
but I think he was still hoping it would have gone better. Hes strong but
hes sensitive, too. And the family means so much to him.
I know. Hes gone through so much in his life. I hate to see him have to
deal with this. I wish Mom would at least ease up on him but I dont think
thats gonna happen for a while. And forget about J ohn or Vinnie.
Say, how would you and your family like to come over here for dinner
on Sunday? J oey was talking about having you over and I know it would be
good for him. And Id like to get to know you all better. Other than Tony,
Im not sure which of the kids I saw on Thanksgiving were yours. Actually,
Im a little embarrassed to say Im not even sure how many youve got.
Four. Anita is a sophomore at County College and Carole is a junior in
high school. Will is the baby at twelve, but Id never call him that to his
face. He thinks hes just about all grown up. I guess if were all gonna be
family its time we got to know one another. Ill check with Gina but Im
sure Sunday will be fine.
If you have a few minutes I could heat up some soup and make you a
sandwich. You must be starving.
I am but Im swinging by the house after the next job and Ginas gonna
feed me. Thanks anyway.
Any idea when you guys will be done? I was wondering how Joey
was making out without food.
From the way its going and the length of my list, Id say somewhere
around nine or ten tonight. Youre worried about Joey out there all this time,
arent you? I nodded. Maybe he and Sal have already done something
about lunch but Ill call him and see if he can meet me at the house for
something to eat if they havent. Dont worry about him. Hes been doing
this for years.
Anthony set his empty mug in the sink and fidgeted a few seconds,
looking very uncomfortable.
Ben, I want to apologize for what I said at my parents house that
morning I walked in on the two of you. You know, about what you two
might be doing in bed. That was absolutely none of my business and it was
rude of me. I was in a bit of shock about finding the two of you in J oeys bed
and it was a gut reaction, but that still doesnt make it right.
I understand, Anthony. That wasnt exactly the way we meant to break
the news to you. Your apology is appreciated and accepted.
*****
Joey
The plowing seemed to take forever. We had to start with customers on
main roads since they were cleared first. Even though I could get through
snow-covered roads in the truck there was no point in plowing driveways
before the streets were done. As it was we were going to have to revisit all of
our customers once we were done to make sure none of them had been
plowed in again by the street crews.
The thermos of coffee Ben had made me only lasted until midmorning.
After that I started on the soup, but that was gone by noon. Its just as well
since there were no businesses open so no restrooms were available. I had
an empty plastic jug to use as a urinal in case I needed it, which I did a
couple of times by late morning.
In spite of the loud scraping sound the plow made, there was something
peaceful about the work. Maybe it was being alone, surrounded by the pure
white snow. Id always enjoyed plowing, but after the week Id had it was
good to have this soothing time alone. Not entirely alone, of course. I called
Ben a couple of times just to hear his voice. I knew hed probably be
worried about me since this was all new to him. And I was a little concerned
about how he and Connor were making out. It sounded like they were both
doing fine each time I called, though.
A little after one Sal called to see if I was hungry and anywhere near his
house. I told him I was starving and not much more than a mile away, so we
agreed to meet there as soon as we were each done with the job we were
working on. I was a little nervous about seeing my sister since I hadnt
talked to her since my coming out. Hearing that she was handling it
somewhat better than Mom wasnt very reassuring.
Sal was already at the house when I arrived. Donna Marie was a little
cool, but not antagonistic. Sal and I sat at the kitchen table and she put bowls
of steaming soup in front of us.
Be careful what you say in front of the kids, J oey. Ive been trying to
downplay the reason for all of this family turmoil with them. I havent
wanted to upset them.
J ust then my nine-year old nephew Tommy came into the room and sat
down at the table.
Hey, Tom, are you gonna join your dad and me for lunch?
Nah, we ate a long time ago. He watched us eat our soup for a few
minutes while his mother made a couple of meatball sandwiches. So how
come youre not living with Grandma and Pop-pop anymore?
Well, thats kind of complicated. J ust then his sisters, Lisa and Anna
came into the room and joined us. I think it was just time for me to get out
on my own a bit. Im all grown up now so I dont have to live with my
parents. You remember that Aunt J enny and I had our own apartment.
Yeah, but you were married to Aunt J enny. And youre not really on
your own. Youre living with that friend from Thanksgiving, right?
Thats right, Anna. Ben has a nice house in Florham Park with lots of
room and I spend so much time over there anyway, so it made sense to move
in. I noticed Lisa smirking as I said that. At fourteen she was the oldest so
she probably had a pretty good idea what was going on. Anna was only
twelve so maybe she wasnt as aware.
So does that mean youre you going to marry Ben now, Uncle J oey? I
heard Donna Marie drop a dish in the sink and Lisas smirk turned into a
wide grin at Tommys question. My sister may have thought she was
keeping things from them but her kids were way ahead of her. There was no
point in denying what was going on and I was glad I didnt have to.
Id like to someday, Tommy. I love Ben a lot. Hes a fantastic guy.
So youre really gay, Uncle J oey? I nodded at Anna as I took a bite of
my sandwich. Thats so cool. Wait until I tell my friends Ive got a gay
uncle.
Now wait a minute, Anna. This is something within the family. I dont
think you should be telling anyone else about this. Donna Marie quickly
jumped into the conversation.
Its not a secret, sis, at least not any more. Besides, Mom seems to
think the whole town is talking about it anyway.
Yeah, I heard Grandma was really pissed.
Lisa, watch your language!
Sorry, Mom. Anyway, Roseanne said Grandma wanted you to go to a
shrink.
It sounded like Vinnie wasnt downplaying the situation with his kids.
You have to understand that your grandmother is pretty old-fashioned
and this took her by surprise. But once she understands how much I love
Ben Im sure shell be okay with it.
When can we come over and visit you at your new house, Uncle
J oey?
Well, Tommy, Ill have to talk to Ben. Its his house, you know, not
mine. And then its really up to your parents. I looked at Donna Marie and
she was scowling, so I had a feeling they wouldnt be coming over anytime
soon.
Why dont you kids go watch TV and let your father and Uncle J oey
finish their lunch? Theyve got to get back to work.
Donna Marie definitely wasnt comfortable with the direction the
conversation had gone. The kids left and Sal and I scarfed down the rest of
our sandwiches while she refilled our thermoses.
Thanks a lot, sis. That lunch was just what I needed. And dont worry
about the kids. They seem pretty cool with everything.
I cant believe theyre so casual about it. I was afraid theyd have all
kinds of questions I couldnt answer and theyd be upset.
Give them a little credit. They know whats going on in the world.
Theyre only gonna be upset about it if they see youre upset. To them its
no big deal, which is exactly how it should be.
How can you say sleeping with another guy is no big deal?
You know what I mean. Of course the specific person I love is
important, but its no different than if I was in love with a woman. But
youre right, Ben is really good in bed, so that is a pretty big deal. I smiled
at Donna Maries shocked look. Thanks for the lunch and the coffee, sis.
I kissed her on the cheek, grabbed the thermos and slipped out the back
door before she recovered enough to reply.
*****
Ben
After Anthony left I went through the refrigerator and pantry to see
what I had that I could make into a hearty hot dinner. If J oey was going to be
out until nine hed be starving by the time he got home even if he had some
lunch with Sal. I got out my cookbook (Cooking For Dummies, a smart-ass
housewarming gift from Becky) and found a recipe for beef stew that didnt
look too hard. I had most of the ingredients and it looked like just the thing
for J oey after a long day out in the snow. I carefully followed the directions
and had it done in no time. I transferred the stew to the crock-pot to slow
cook until J oey got home.
At six I set places for Connor and myself in the dining room to try out
my creation. It was easier to feed Connor when he was sitting in a chair with
arms. I didnt trust him not to topple off a stool at the counter. I was rather
pleased at the result of my afternoons work and Connor seemed to like the
stew as well. As I fed him I marveled at what a laidback little kid he was.
Even though he now knew me fairly well, we had been alone in the house
together all day and he had been fine with it. I got him up in the morning,
washed him, fed him, dressed him and kept him company. Id even changed
his diapers twice, which was two times too many as far as I was concerned,
but hey, youve gotta do what youve gotta do.
Around eight, I got Connor into his pjs and put him to bed for the night.
The entire day had passed and he hadnt seen his father yet he didnt seem
worried. He had looked around now and then as if he were expecting
something or someone and Im sure he missed J oey, but hed been great. I
kissed him on the forehead, turned on the nightlight and left him to his
dreams.
I went into the family room, lit a fire in the fireplace and curled up on
the couch with a book and a glass of wine. I was starting to feel drowsy an
hour later when I heard J oey coming in the front door. I jumped up and went
to greet him.
He shrugged off his coat as I neared him. He looked exhausted. When
he took his ski cap off his hair was plastered to his scalp. I hugged him and
he returned the hug half-heartedly.
Welcome home, babe. Long day, huh?
Very long. Im so glad its over. Hmm, something smells good in here.
I cant believe you found a restaurant that was not only open but would
deliver in weather like this.
I punched him lightly on the arm. Its not take-out. I did a little
cooking. Your son gave it a rave review.
Im starving, but first Ive gotta check on Connor and then jump in the
shower for a minute to wake me up and make me feel more human.
He headed down the hall toward the bedrooms, peeling off his layers of
clothes as he walked. He stopped in Connors room and just watched him
sleep for a minute, then went into our room to finish stripping for the
shower.
Think youll need some help?
A very tempting offer, but I dont think I even have the energy to get it
up. How about getting my dinner ready and Ill be out in a few minutes?
Sure thing, but dont take too long or Ill come in after you.
Thats not exactly a threat, Ben.
I went into the kitchen and set a place for J oey on the counter. I got out
some bread and poured a couple of glasses of merlot. When I heard the
shower turn off I filled a plate with hot stew. J oey walked into the kitchen
wearing a white robe, looking so sexy. I wanted to rip the robe off and
ravish him on the floor. Knowing the kind of day hed had I pushed those
thoughts out of my head and sat across the counter from him. He carefully
tasted the stew and then dug into it with relish.
Damn, this is good. Who says you cant cook? Youve been holding
out on me, making me do all the work.
As long as Ive got a recipe Im not too bad. As youve discovered, Im
pretty good at following directions.
He ate in silence and I sipped my wine as I watched him. He mopped up
the last drop of gravy with his bread and drained his glass of wine.
That does it, were taking turns cooking from now on. Im done being
the housewife.
I cleared the counter, refilled our glasses and we went into the family
room to enjoy the fire. I sat on the couch and J oey sat in between my legs,
leaning back against me, the reverse of our usual positions. He let out a huge
sigh. We sat in silence for a few minutes, just watching the fire. After a
while I told him about my day with Connor and Anthonys visit. He then
told me about his lunch at Donna Maries.
This isnt exactly the kind of life you were looking for, Ben. Im really
sorry things turned out this way.
What do you mean that this isnt what I wanted? Are you sorry we
ended up together like this?
No, I didnt mean that. Its just that you said right from the start that
you wanted someone who would take care of you, who would give you
security. And here youve got your whole life turned inside out, spending
your days baby-sitting, helping me deal with my familys antagonism,
holding me in your arms, trying to comfort me.
I know Im pretty insecure and I was looking for security, but that
doesnt mean I cant take care of myself, or someone else, too, now and
then. Ive got some strength hidden inside me, though maybe in limited
supply. But your love gives me strength and that has nothing to do with
whos holding whom in their arms. Ill admit this doesnt look anything like
what I imagined for my life, but theres nothing about it Id change, except
maybe if there was some way to make your family understand better.
I hope you know how much I appreciate all youre doing for me. Im
gonna make it up to you, I promise.
Theres nothing to make up, babe. Thats what love is all about. I take
care of you when you need it and you take care of me when I need it. And I
think we both know that overall Im gonna need a lot more taking care of.
We lay on the couch together while the fire burned down. J oeys
breathing became deep and rhythmic and I knew he was asleep. I meant
what Id said to Joey; that I wouldnt change a thing about how things were
turning out between us. When there was nothing left in the fireplace but
glowing embers, I shook him lightly and kissed him on the top of the head.
Cmon, babe, time to go to bed.

Chapter Twenty-Three
Joey
I felt bad leaving Connor with Ben for the second day in a row when I
went to the nursery on Saturday, but at least this time it was only for six
hours. After the long day Id had plowing I didnt get up as early as usual,
but I still made time to fuss and play with him for a while before going to
work. Neither of my boys seemed to mind all of the time they were spending
together. Connor was becoming very affectionate with Ben and Ben finally
seemed to have lost the last vestiges of nervousness about handling Connor.
It was Anthonys Saturday to work so I enjoyed myself. I was able to
get the payroll done, do some other office work and help out in the store.
Anthony had discussed Sunday dinner at our place (I loved thinking of
Bens house as our place) with Gina and we firmed up plans. I also asked
him if he could bring along a high chair for Connor. That would make it so
much easier to get him fed. I hadnt thought to bring the one from my
parents house and I wasnt in the mood to face Mom again.
I made what was becoming our traditional Saturday night
meal--spaghetti and meatballs. Once I didnt have to work every Saturday
we both wanted to start entertaining and then wed have something a little
fancier. We hadnt had Becky and Glenn over for dinner since before the
holidays and Ben wanted to have Rob and J im one evening. After supper we
were cleaning up the kitchen and talking about our plans for Sunday.
Gina has confirmed with Mom that shes going to ten oclock Mass
tomorrow, so that leaves eight oclock open for us.
Us? You mean you took my offer to go to church with you seriously?
It sounded like you were serious to me. Not very enthusiastic, but
serious.
Yeah, I suppose I was. If you really want me to go with you, I will.
But, as you said, not very enthusiastically.
Look, Ben, I dont want to make you feel like you have to go to church
just because I do. You never did tell me what you had against the Church.
You want to talk about it?
Its not that big a deal. Youll probably think its silly, but yeah, I
should tell you the whole story and then at least youll know where Im
coming from.
Ben made a pot of tea and we got comfortable in front of the fireplace.
He seemed nervous, like he was afraid of offending me. He knew the
Church meant a lot to me and he was about to explain why it didnt mean
much to him.
Before I start I should tell you that I consider myself a Christian, and
having had the usual strong indoctrination from the Church, Ill probably
always think of myself as a Catholic.
Yeah, I figured that.
Well, you know I was really into the Church as a kid. I loved being an
altar boy, helping the priest. It made me feel important and more religious.
Looking back, I think I really got into the whole theatrical aspect of it, too.
Youll have to admit that when its done right, the Church puts on a good
show.
Yeah, when you look at the robes, candles, incense, oration and music
it can be pretty mesmerizing. Im sure thats on purpose. Its supposed to be
impressive.
Well, it sure impressed me. And I took the Churchs teachings
seriously, too. When I was a kid I actually thought of becoming a priest.
Most Catholic boys go through that period, I think. The priesthood is
held up as such an ideal.
Once I hit puberty, I saw a little problem, though. My attraction to
guys was pretty clear to me right from the start. I knew the Churchs
position on homosexuality, yet somehow I didnt want to believe it. I knew
what a good kid I was so I couldnt believe that just because I liked guys that
negated everything else.
I can understand that. My coming to terms with being gay so much
later in life probably helped me there. I have a better view of who I am at
this point.
Anyway, I was kind of shy and didnt have a lot of friends, but I did
have this best friend Mike and he and I used to stay over at each others
houses all the time. One night when we were fourteen we got to comparing,
you know the kind of things teenagers do. One thing led to another and he
ended up showing me how to masturbate. I guess I was a pretty nave kid,
being fourteen and never having jerked off, but I was an only child and
didnt have anyone to learn from.
I can identify with that. My brothers had all been married and out of
the house for years when I hit puberty. Believe it or not, J enny is the one
who told me about masturbation.
A girl showed you how to jerk off?
No, she didnt show me. She just explained what it was and what shed
heard about how guys did it. Then I went home and tried it out.
Well, Mike showed me and the first few times we just jerked off
together. And I did it lots on my own, too. I loved my new toy. Then, one
night he was staying at my house we moved up to the next step and jerked
each other. I still remember that first time I felt another guys hard dick in
my hand.
So do I, but then again that was only a couple of months ago for me.
I was feeling guilty, not because it was gay but because I knew
masturbation was a sin. I wasnt really thinking of what Mike and I were
doing as sex, so when I went to confession I just said I masturbated. I didnt
mention Mike.
A sin of omission.
A little one, I guess. So this went on for a few months, Mike and me
jerking each other off, then me going to confession, doing penance, then
doing it all over again. I felt guilty as hell but couldnt stop. One night we
graduated to oral sex. I just had the urge to take him in my mouth as we were
jerking, and almost immediately he exploded in my mouth. It was fantastic
and I loved everything about it, especially the taste of his semen. And then
he returned the favor and I thought Id died and gone to heaven. Until the
orgasmic high wore off and the guilt set in, that is.
I always felt guilty after orgasm when I jerked off. It felt so good and
then it felt so bad.
I know, everybody does it but pretends youre not supposed to do it.
But after that time where we used our mouths I knew wed crossed a line
and what wed done was sex, gay sex. And I felt so torn up about it. I knew
I had to confess it but I was afraid. We had two priests in our church. Father
OMalley was like sixty years old and never ever smiled. He always scared
me. Then there was Father Tom. He was probably around thirty and a very
friendly guy. He was cool and all of the kids liked him, so I decided to take
my chances with Father Tom.
And I take it didnt go very well?
Thats putting it mildly. He practically read me the riot act. Not that he
yelled and screamed in the confessional, but very calmly and forcefully he
told me what a horrible sin I had committed. He told me the Churchs
position on sex outside of marriage in general and homosexuality in
particular. I left the Church that day convinced that if I ever touched Mike
again I would definitely go to hell, no matter what else I did with my life.
Ive been to confession a few times since we started this relationship,
but I havent said anything about us. The way I look at it, were supposed to
confess our sins, but theres no way I can see loving you or being loved by
you as a sin. I know the Church says it is, but I cant agree.
Obviously, I agree with you now, J oey. But back then I was a scared
kid and a priest was like God to me. He scared the crap out of me and I was
determined that no way was I going to be gay. I broke off my friendship
with Mike and spent the rest of my teen years pretty miserable. I hated the
part of me that was gay and spent at least an hour every day praying for God
to cure me, to make me straight, to make me a good person. Thats what
eventually led to my fiasco with Nicole. I wanted so badly to be straight.
And it obviously didnt work.
No, my experience with Nicole and then with the football player right
after showed me that all those years of praying and beating myself up hadnt
changed anything, that I was as gay as ever. Doing what I thought I was
supposed to do had only hurt Nicole and had been a lie. So I joined Dignity
to try to reconcile being gay and Catholic.
Dignity? Whats that?
Its a gay Catholic organization with chapters all over the world.
Obviously, the Church doesnt recognize it. In fact, the local chapter meets
in an Episcopal church.
And Dignity wasnt able to turn you into a happy gay Catholic?
No but it wasnt their fault. Shortly after I came out I went into the city
with a few friends for a night of carousing. We went to a private club in the
East Village. It was a pretty wild place with a back room where all kinds of
things went on. After a couple of drinks I got up the courage to go into the
back room, not to do anything, mind you, just to see what my friends were
talking about. The first thing I saw when my eyes adjusted to the dim light
was Father Tom in a sling. He was naked and getting, well, taken care of by
a couple of guys, with a few more standing around watching. Our eyes met
and I knew from the look on his face that he recognized me. I dragged my
friends out of the place and made them take me back to campus. And that
was the end of me trying to be a good Catholic.
I can understand how upset you were, but you shouldnt have let the
hypocrisy of one priest turn you away from the whole Church.
I know, but you cant imagine how angry I was. Id literally hated
myself through my teen years because of him. And then I realized that he
hadnt said anything to me that wasnt direct Church doctrine. It wasnt
Father Tom but the Churchs teachings that had made me hate myself.
Yeah, he was a hypocrite about his own life, but that didnt affect what hed
said to me. So I walked away from the Church and started formulating a
personal philosophy of life based on the teachings of J esus, not men who
came after him.
Im not sure that I even go to church for religious reasons, at least not
the specifics. There are lots of things I disagree with the Church on, our
relationship being a big one, but I suppose what I like about going to church
is the feeling of comfort it gives me. Its a feeling of belonging, of being a
part of a community and culture. It got me though some pretty rough times
after J enny died.
I think thats what keeps a lot of people going. Of course, religion has a
lot to do with it, too, or at least the feeling of being religious that going to
church gives you. But even after all this time away from it, I could
appreciate the comfort that the familiar rituals gave me on Christmas Eve.
So if it will make you feel better if I go to church with you, I will. J ust dont
expect me to show any support for the Church. I dont support anything or
anyone that doesnt support me.
I wouldnt ask you to, Ben, but Im going to take you up on your offer.
Im going through another one of those rough times with all of this crap
from my family and while the Church gives me some comfort, being with
you gives me even more. So maybe for a while you could go with me. Im
not saying that its forever, just while I need it.
Of course, J oey. I will always be there for you, whatever you need.
*****
Ben
I had a bit of a conflict in my head over whether attending Mass with
J oey could be construed as supporting the Church, but I decided that it was
really supporting Joey. That was what mattered. If he needed me, that was
really all that mattered.
The worst part about going to church with him was getting up so early
on the weekend. He found a way to make that more pleasant than I could
have imagined. I was dreaming that he was going down on me, sucking my
cock, when I realized that I was awake and it wasnt a dream. I looked down
and saw the back of J oeys head covered with his dark curls, slowly sliding
up and down as I felt the moist warmth of his mouth on my dick. He still
couldnt quite take the whole thing so he had his hand around the base,
pulling as he sucked. I reached down and gently ran my fingers through his
hair. When he realized I was awake, he started bobbing and sucking harder.
He grabbed my sac and pulled with his left hand and that did it for me. I felt
my balls pull up and I creamed into his mouth. He continued sucking every
last drop out of me. As my dick started to soften, he pulled off and crawled
back up alongside me. As he went to kiss me, I turned my head.
Morning breath, I mumbled.
Counteracted by cum breath. Dont worry about it. I turned back and
we shared along, passionate kiss. I could taste the traces of my juice in his
mouth.
Mmm, Ill go to church with you every day if thats gonna be my alarm
clock.
Once a week for church is fine, but I could set the alarm more often if
youd like.
I reached down and wrapped my hand around his thick throbbing
erection.
Youre definitely already up, but maybe I could help you out a little,
too.
Were in a little bit of a hurry so how about we save some time by
taking care of that in the shower?
Sounds good to me.
We jumped out of bed and while I ran naked to the kitchen to turn on the
coffeemaker, J oey ran naked into Connors room to check on him. We met
back at the master bathroom. Hed lost most of his erection by then but it
came back with a vengeance once we were both in the shower and I started
stroking him. Wed previously discovered that it was hard to suck in the
shower without drowning, so I soaped up his schlong and began stroking it
slowly with my right hand. He was turned sideways to me so with my left
hand I felt up his ass. His cheeks were so round and firm. I soaped up my left
hand and ran my fingers up and down his crack, pushing deeper into the
cleft each time until I felt a fingertip brush against his pucker and he
moaned. He said he had no fantasies about getting fucked but his anus was
very sensitive and he always seemed to like it when I touched him there. As
I continued stroking his hard dick I played with his hole, running my
fingertip around it, pressing in slightly now and then. His breathing was
getting shorter and more halting so I knew he was close. With one quick
thrust I slipped my finger into him up to the first knuckle. He gasped and I
felt his rod pulse in my hand as he started shooting all over the tile wall. I
firmly milked seven or eight shots out of him and then he threw his arms
around me and collapsed against me.
Oh man, we gotta get up early every morning, except I dont know if
either one of us would be good for anything else the rest of the day if we
started like this all the time.
If every day started like this I dont think Id care much about the rest,
J oey.
We hurried through the rest of the shower, washing each other from
head to toe. We were both hard again by the end but there was no time for an
encore performance. I made toast and got Connors cereal ready while J oey
woke Connor, changed him, cleaned him up and got him dressed. The
whole family was going to church.
The service itself was actually kind of nice. It was the usual ritual and
the sermon didnt touch on anything that offended me. Since I hadnt grown
up in Madison there was no one in the church that I knew, expect for one
fortyish woman who kept staring at us. She looked very familiar and I was
pretty sure that she was either J ohns or Vinnies wife. On the way out I
pointed her out to J oey.
Yeah, thats Rita, Vinnies wife. Shes nice enough, but on the timid
side. Between that and Vinnies strong personality they have one of those
old-fashioned relationships where he really rules the roost. She pretty much
gives in to him all the way down the line.
Too bad. He could really use a tough wife who would stand up to him
and put him in his place. The last thing he needs is someone who lets him
get away with his shit.
I agree. There have been times at family gatherings that hes really
treated her badly but she just puts up with it.
The church had been only half-full for the early Mass and once J oey got
Connor all bundled up to leave we were at the end of the crowd leaving the
building. When we got to the door the priest who was greeting the
parishioners smiled at J oey and held out his hand. J oey had been carrying
Connor in both arms but shifted him to his left so he could shake hands with
the priest.
Its good to see you here, J oe. And hows your boy? Hes bigger every
time I see him.
Hes great, Father. And though hes growing fast I think part of it is
this coat hes wearing. Father, Id like you to meet my friend, my partner,
Ben Donnelly. Ben, this is Father Vittorio.
I was surprised but proud of the way J oey introduced me. He was done
hiding anything from anybody. As I shook hands with the priest I looked
him over. He was in his fifties, average build, balding a bit. He had a warm
smile but his eyes were probing and I could tell he was checking me out at
the same time.
Nice to meet you, Ben. He turned back to J oey. How are you doing,
J oe? I was talking to your mother last week and she was pretty upset about
whats going on between you.
Im doing all right, Father. I know Moms upset but theres nothing I
can do about that.
When it comes to those we love theres always something we can do to
try to make things better. Let me know if you want to talk sometime. Maybe
I can help.
Ill let you know, Father.
We walked to the car. I wasnt sure what to make of Father Vittorio. He
had been talking to Mrs. Napoli so he obviously knew what was going on,
especially after the way J oey introduced me. My own experience with
priests didnt give me much hope that hed be understanding.
So what do you think, J oey?
Father Vittorio is pretty hard to read sometimes. Hes been here since I
was a little kid and Ive always liked him. Hes friendly and doesnt come
across as judgmental. But he is an older Italian priest, so I dont expect him
to welcome our relationship. I suppose at some point Ill talk to him. Hes
heard Moms side, its only fair that he hear mine, not that I think hell be on
our side.
I wish there didnt have to be sides, J oey.
Back at the house we began to prepare for the dinner. J oey began
working on a lasagna while I poured marinade on a large London broil and
chopped veggies. While the pasta was boiling J oey tossed a salad and I set
the dining room table. Id never expanded it to its limit before and it looked
pretty impressive set for eight. I then went out to the patio and cleared the
snow off the gas grill. Even in the dead of winter cooking on the grill wasnt
out of the question. Its not like you had to stand there next to it and watch
the meat cook.
After all of the drama with J oeys family for the past two weeks, the
dinner with Anthonys brood turned out to be an anti-climax. Anthony had
started out the most tolerant brother and had made quite a bit of
improvement in his attitude toward me, but even so he was probably the
least accepting member of his immediate family. Gina reminded me more of
Becky than a Napoli and the kids were all great. Most of the afternoon we
didnt even talk about J oeys coming out or the problems it had caused. It
was just a fun family dinner.
Of course, we did talk a little bit about various family reactions over
dinner. We already knew how the adults felt, but Anthonys children were
able to tell us a little bit about how their cousins were handling the issue.
Anita had run into J ohns son Vito on campus during the week and tried
to talk to him about it.
Hes hopeless, just like his father. He said that as long as Uncle J oey
wanted to be queer he wasnt his uncle anymore.
Wanted to be queer. Thats an interesting way of putting it, as in
When I grow up I want to be queer. That sounds like J ohns way of
thinking. J oey just shook his head.
Well, Toni doesnt see what the big deal is, Will piped in.
Okay, I need a little help here. Whos Toni? What I needed was a pen
and a pad of paper to take notes.
Toni is Vinnies younger daughter. Shes in Wills class in middle
school, Gina said.
Yeah, she said Uncle Vinnies like totally off the wall about it, but she
just doesnt get it.
What about the rest of her family? Has anyone talked to J ames? I
knew J oey was concerned about how he was taking it. We both were.
No, I see him in the cafeteria all the time but hes so quiet, especially
lately. Its all I can do to get a hello out of him. The only one he talks to is
his friend Cookie Marshall. I did talk to April, though. Shes just like Vito
and Uncle J ohn. I swear theyre a Stepford family, six people with one
pre-programmed brain. Carole froze her face and moved her arms like she
was a robot.
So overall, with the exception of J ohns clan, the kids seemed to be
handling things better than their parents. Well, J ames was a mystery but at
least he wasnt antagonistic like his father. And nobody knew about the
little kids but they probably didnt even know what was going on. J oey
seemed reassured that he hadnt lost everybody and by the end of the day
had some hope that maybe it would all work out eventually.
*****
Joey
The dinner with Anthony felt like old times. Better, actually, because
Ben was there as a member of the family. It was a start, anyway. I was pretty
sure that soon wed talk Donna Marie into bringing her family over, though
the rest were out of the question, for the near future at least.
By the time Ben and I went to bed Sunday night, Id made a decision.
Actually, it was something Id been thinking about for a long time, since
before I came out, but I decided it was time to stop thinking and just do it. I
was nervous as we got into bed and covered it up by launching a tickling
attack on Ben. In no time he was a quivering mass of giggles, but I had to
stop before we woke up Connor. He lay there gasping, trying to catch his
breath.
What was that all about? You usually only resort to tickling when
youre nervous about something.
I turned on to my side and put my elbow on the bed, propping my head
up with my hand. With the other hand I lightly traced tiny circles around
Bens nipples. He was still feeling ticklish and I could see his pecs jump at
my touch. I looked into his eyes and held his gaze.
I want you to make love to me, Ben. Weve talked about it before but I
think its time.
Are you sure, babe? You dont have to just because you feel obligated,
like out of a sense of fair play or something.
I know, but I want to experience everything with you, to love you in
every way possible. I want to feel you inside me, to have you be a part of me
the way Im a part of you the other times we make love.
Well, as long as youre sure you really want it and youre not just
doing it because you think you should. Ill admit I find your ass to be very,
very appealing. You dont know how many times Ive just wanted to dive
into it.
For this first time I hope youll be a little more gentle than that, but I do
want it.
Gentle is the only way I could ever be with you.
Once Id made it clear what I wanted to happen I left it in Bens hands.
When we had first started making love I had been very tentative, letting Ben
take the lead since he was more experienced. As I grew more confident in
my desires, I became more assertive in bed, and Ben seemed to like it that
way. But I was back on unfamiliar ground, where I really didnt know what
to do, so I let Ben take charge again.
Ben rolled me over onto my back and climbed on top, kissing me
passionately, grinding his hips into mine, sparking a little swordfight
between our dicks. After a while he moved down a little and gently nibbled
at the side of my neck right above the collarbone, knowing that drove me
crazy. Then he continued his way down my body, licking and lightly biting,
sucking parts of me into his mouth. My nipples were usually pretty sensitive
and he spent a lot of time working on them, running the tip of his tongue
around them, pulling on the nubs with his teeth. I ran my hands over his
back, massaging him, pressing his body into mine. He continued his journey
south, bathing my abs with his tongue, until he got to my pubes. He held my
rock hard dick straight up and flicked his tongue around the rim of the head.
He then ran his tongue around the underside of the rim, causing my entire
body to shiver. After what seemed to be an eternity of this teasing he finally
put his mouth over the head and sucked on it as he continued running his
tongue around it. I immediately felt a tightening of my balls and pushed him
off, panting.
Damn, Im close. I dont want to cum yet, though, babe.
I dont want you to cum so soon either. Maybe I can work on
something else for a while.
How about I take care of you until I calm down? You dont have to do
all the work.
Its not work, J oey. Im loving every minute of this. But this is all
about you tonight. You asked me to make love to you and Im going to
make love to all of you.
He then had me roll over onto my belly and he sat on my butt and began
massaging my back, working first on my shoulders, digging his hands deep
into my muscles, kneading and probing. Then he worked his way down my
back, releasing tension I didnt even know I had from my muscles. He slid
down and continued his massage on my ass, kneading each cheek with his
hands. It wasnt a sexual thing, it was still more of a regular massage, but it
felt so good.
After a while he spread my cheeks and began to lightly run his fingers in
between them. There must be a lot of nerve endings in that area because I
always went nuts when he touched me there. I felt the mattress move
slightly and then he pulled my cheeks further apart. A second later I felt
something touch my anus and an electric shock seemed to go through me. I
couldnt figure out what was touching me since both of his hands were busy
spreading me apart. As it moved and I felt the wetness I realized it was his
tongue. He licked around and around my puckered hole, gently poking and
prodding. The sensations were absolutely incredible. In no time I was
pushing my hips back, pressing my ass into his face. I just couldnt get
enough. He continued rimming me and I could tell he was getting his tongue
further and further into me as I relaxed more and more. I never wanted it to
end. My dick was hard as steel under me and was dripping, making a huge
wet spot on the sheet. I was alternately grinding my ass into Bens face and
my cock into the mattress and was sure I was going to blow any second, but
he sensed my excitement and pulled off at the last second.
Not yet, J oey, the best is yet to come.
Ben turned me over onto my back again and lifted my legs, pressing my
knees back into my chest. He had me hold them tight in that position and
lifted my butt, shoving a pillow under it. He dove back in, licking, sucking
and nibbling on my hole again for a bit, then took some lube and worked it
inside me. I was familiar with this part of things, having experienced it from
the other side so many times lately, but Ben was going very slowly and
carefully. He gently worked a finger inside me. Hed never gone any deeper
than the first knuckle before and when the finger was nearly all the way in
he hit something that sent shock waves through me. Thats your prostate,
babe. He smiled down at me and continued his finger massage. After a
minute he slipped another finger in. This felt a little more uncomfortable but
didnt hurt at all. When he thought I was ready he added a third. I felt very
stretched, and while it didnt feel good, it wasnt bad either.
After gently turning and twisting his fingers inside me for a while, he
pulled them out, leaving me feeling a bit empty. He had lubed up his dick
with his other hand and immediately replaced his fingers with it. He pressed
the head against my now stretched pucker. At first nothing happened, then it
popped in. I felt a sharp stab of pain and gasped.
Is it too much? Should I pull out? His face showed concern.
No, its not so bad. It was just that first shock of entry. Give me a
minute to get used to it. I took a few deep breaths and tried to lose myself in
Bens beautiful green eyes. It worked and the pain subsided. What was left
was a very full feeling. Okay, go ahead. Its all right now.
Ben very gradually pushed into me. I could feel his dick slowly slide
into me until his pubic hair was brushing against me. He stayed like that for
a few seconds, then slowly withdrew until just his head was in me. He
pushed back in, a little faster this time and didnt stop when he hit bottom,
just pulled out again. He began slowly pumping in and out of me, keeping
his eyes locked onto mine the whole time. On most thrusts he pressed
against my prostate and I felt that jolt each time. At first I was concentrating
on the physical feelings that were so new to me, but suddenly the emotional
end took over. Ben was inside me and I was a part of him. We were one. I
lost myself in his eyes as he continued making love to me. I wasnt aware of
anything but Bens love. I felt his thrusting into me and the pleasure as he
hit my button inside, but more than anything I was overcome by the love he
was giving me. I became aware of the increase in his breathing and the
speed of his thrusts and knew he was getting close so I grabbed my dick in
my fist and began pumping it. Ben beat me to the finish and he moaned as he
started flooding my insides with his love juice. His dick was still pulsing
inside my hole when I felt the familiar sensations warning of my own
orgasm. My first shot went over my head. The next several hit me in the face
and on my chest.
Ben leaned in and licked a little cum off my face, then kissed me. At
some point during the kiss his cock slipped out of me and he moved over
alongside me. I lowered and stretched out my legs and he cuddled against
my side. We just lay there for a while, neither one saying anything, both lost
in the emotion. Finally he got up and went into the bathroom to clean up.
When he came back he brought a damp towel and cleaned me off, then lay
back alongside me.
So how was it? I knew he wasnt fishing for compliments; he was just
concerned as to whether I had liked it, whether he had hurt me.
Not bad, I giggled. I thought for a minute. It was good. Not just the
physical part, though. I mean, that was okay, but not really something that
got to me. The rimming was fantastic, but the rest was more like an
uncomfortable full feeling with some pleasure when you hit my prostate.
But the connection, the love, the whole emotional experience was like
nothing Ive ever felt. I definitely want to do it again sometime.
Are you sure? We dont have to, you know. Its been years since I
topped and Id be lying if I said I didnt love that, but you know Im just fine
on the bottom.
I know, and physically theres nothing I like better than making love to
you. But that doesnt mean we cant switch now and then. I giggled again.
What now?
I was just thinking about what Anthony said that morning in Moms
kitchen after he found us in bed. How do you think hed react to this?
He doesnt have to know everything, babe.
We were both quiet again for a few minutes, just snuggling.
I love you so much, J oey.
Couldnt be more than I love you.

Chapter Twenty-Four
Ben
Over the next couple of weeks J oey and I settled into a sort of routine.
With all of the stress J oey was experiencing it wasnt exactly ideal married
bliss, but close. J ust having J oey in the house every day and in my bed every
night was heaven to me, though. The attitudes of everyone in his family
remained pretty much the same. Im sure it was in the back of his mind all of
the time but he seemed able to deal with it. The worst days were the
Saturdays when he had to work with either J ohn or Vinnie. He always came
home totally stressed out, needing lots of tender loving care, which I was
glad to provide.
Our Monday night bowling routine had changed also. J oey got Sal to
take his place on his brothers team. Bowling was supposed to be fun but it
wasnt when two of your teammates werent speaking to you. He still came
to the lanes and brought Connor along to keep me company while I bowled,
my own little fan club. Since he was a sanctioned bowler he signed up as a
sub for my league but he wasnt needed the first couple of weeks so he just
watched. We skipped going to Angelos afterwards because we didnt want
to keep Connor out too late. It was a couple of hours past his bedtime by the
time we got home as it was.
Once J anuary was over I got busier with my friends tax returns. It
seemed like every day someone I knew dropped their paperwork off at my
office or at the house. I tried not to work every evening, but I didnt want to
let the work pile up. It would only get busier in March and April. It
frustrated J oey that he was only able to work part-time. He had all this time
on his hands and I was working long hours. He directed his frustration into
cleaning the house on his days off during the week.
The first Tuesday in February Rob stopped by my office early in the
afternoon with two thick files.
Heres everything for J im and me for our taxes. Let me know if we
forgot anything.
I will, but you guys are usually pretty good at keeping your records. If
it wasnt for some of your complicated investment income you could
probably do the returns yourself.
No way. Numbers are not my friends. I leave stuff like this up to the
professionals.
Youre pretty early with your paperwork this year. I didnt expect to
see you for a few more weeks.
Well, to tell you the truth, I had another reason for coming by. Last
night J im and I were going over the RSVPs for our Valentines Day party on
Saturday and realized that somehow wed forgotten to invite you. Since I
had this stuff ready I thought Id use it as an excuse to come by and extend a
personal invitation to you and J oey.
Ill have to talk to Joey about it. I know he had a great time New Years
Eve and we havent been out much lately and could use a good party. But it
probably depends on the babysitter situation.
Babysitter?
J oey had told Rob and J im about Connor at the party; in fact, like any
proud father hed shown them several pictures. But Rob wasnt aware that
J oey was now living with me. I very briefly told him about J oeys coming
out and the resulting changes in our lives.
Sounds like hes going through a rough time. Be sure to give him my
best. I hope you guys can make it to the party. He could probably use a little
fun.
It was one of J oeys afternoons to work and I didnt like calling the
nursery. It was like playing Russian roulette, not knowing who would
answer the phone. Thank God for cell phones. I put through the call and he
answered on the second ring.
Hey babe, what a coincidence. I was just about to call you. Whats
up?
I told him about Robs visit and the invitation to the party.
It sounds really tempting but well have to talk and see if we can
manage it.
Sure, I know it may be late notice to get someone to watch Connor,
especially on the Saturday before Valentines Day. So what were you going
to call me about?
I was thinking it would be nice to go to Angelos for dinner tonight.
We havent seen him in a while and he must be wondering what happened
to us, though Im sure hes heard the news from the rest of the family.
Besides, youve never tasted Aunt J osephines cooking. Its out of this
world.
You dont have to say any more. Its a date, babe. Ill pick up Connor
at day care and well be ready when you get home.
J oey had called ahead, not that we needed reservations, and Angelo was
waiting for us. He had put a child seat on one side of the booth we usually
sat in.
Well, its about time. I thought maybe you boys were mad at me.
Never, Uncle Angelo. Things have just been a little crazy lately.
Tell me something I dont know. Your mother is on the phone to
J osephine every day. Shes not taking this well.
Thats putting it mildly, Angelo. How about you? I had a feeling that
you knew what was going on with J oey and me a long time ago.
Im not exactly a sophisticated man of the world, Ben. Im just an
old-fashioned tavern owner. But it was pretty obvious even to me that there
was some kind of connection between you two right from the start. You
were good for J oey. You made him happy. And I could see how happy you
were with him, too. I didnt understand it and I was always told something
like that was wrong, but watching you I had to believe it was right for you.
It is, Uncle Angelo. We love each other very much and I know its
right.
Its going to take a lot to convince my sister of that, Im afraid. Shes
always been so positive that she knows whats best for everyone and shes a
very stubborn woman. But you know she loves you. Shell come around,
sooner or later.
Probably later, Im afraid.
Angelo left menus and went to get us some wine while we took off our
coats and got settled, with Connor in the child seat next to J oey and me
across from them.
So I thought you said you couldnt come here with Angie and Connor
because Angelo didnt have a seat for Connor.
Thats what I told Angie. Did you really think in a family the size of
mine anyone would be without a child seat?
I guess not. Speaking of Angie, have you talked to her lately? She
seems to have dropped out of sight again.
Yeah, she called the other day. Shes seeing that guy Ethan again and
her parents arent happy about it. Of course, theyre blaming me.
You? How could that be your fault?
They thought I was the perfect Italian boy for her.
Turns out youre the perfect Italian boy for me.
Angelo poured us each a glass of chianti and took our orders. A few
minutes later a short stout woman with graying hair came out of the kitchen
carrying two steaming bowls, which she placed in front of us. J oey stood
and gave her a hug and a kiss. She leaned across the seat and gave Connor a
kiss on each cheek and ruffled his hair.
Aunt J osie, its so good to see you. Id like to introduce you to my
friend, Ben. Ben, this is my Aunt J osephine.
She looked me over pretty carefully. Her look clearly said, So youre
the one whos causing all this trouble, but she politely acknowledged the
introduction. She and J oey chatted a couple of minutes, family stuff, but no
mention of his coming out troubles.
Id better get back in the kitchen before everything backs up. And you
dont want your soup to get cold. She started to turn away then stopped.
Will we see you on Saturday, J oey?
Um, Im not sure. Ive got to talk it over with Ben.
She nodded and went back to the kitchen.
Saturday? Talk what over? I thought we were gonna talk about Rob
and J ims party Saturday.
Eat your soup while its hot. I guarantee youve never had minestrone
like this. Well talk while we eat.
I dipped my spoon into the thick soup and took a taste. J oey was right. It
was incredible. J oey alternated between eating and blowing on the spoon to
cool the soup enough for Connor to have some. About halfway through my
bowl I slowed down enough to talk.
So what did your aunt mean about Saturday? Somehow I dont think
she and Angelo are planning on going to Rob and J ims party.
J oey took a deep breath. Saturday is my parents wedding anniversary.
They always celebrate with a little informal party, sort of like an open
house.
And youre thinking of going?
Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I think I should. Its not as
crazy as it sounds.
*****
Joey
When I got to work on Tuesday, Margaret was just leaving for lunch, so
that left Pop and me alone in the office. Hed been quieter than usual, if that
was possible, since my coming out. When we talked it was always about
business. Pop was eating a sandwich at his desk and suddenly put it down
and turned to me.
You know its your mothers and my anniversary Saturday, J oe. Were
having a party like always and I was hoping that youd come.
I dont think thats a good idea, Pop. Your anniversary should be a
happy time and if I go there will be lots of tension. It would spoil your
party.
What would spoil the party for me is if one of my sons wasnt there.
It would cause a lot less trouble if I just wished you a happy
anniversary and left it at that. Besides, I wouldnt go without Ben and you
know how everyone would react to him being there.
When I said I wanted you to come, I meant the both of you. Of course
Ben should come with you. He hesitated. Im not very comfortable with
this whole thing, son, and I still dont think its a good idea, but youre my
son. Youre a grown man and you have to make your own decisions, plan
your own life. As long as Ben makes you happy, I suppose I can find a way
to live with that.
What about Mom? What about J ohn and Vinnie?
Theyre going to have to live with it, too, because no matter what,
were always going to be a family.
I spent the next hour or so trying to figure out a way to ask Ben to go
with me. His past experience with my family had not been good and I knew
he wouldnt be very enthusiastic about it. Hed been treated pretty badly all
around. I decided a great meal at Angelos might put him in a more
receptive mood. I was just about to call him when he called me, extending
an invitation to a party at Rob and J ims house. Great, now in addition to
trying to talk him into going to my parents party, something I was sure he
wouldnt want to do, I would be competing with a really good party, one I
was just as sure hed want to go to.
Id planned on waiting until after we ate to bring up the subject, but
Aunt J osie opened her mouth as soon as we got there. Id been thinking of
how to put it to Ben to make him understand why I wanted to go.
Obviously, you know I am not enjoying being around some of my
family members lately. It can be really stressful at work sometimes. But
there are a couple of reasons I think we should go.
We? Youre not serious. Vinnie and J ohn would go nuts if I was
there.
Yes, Im serious. One of the reasons is that Pop specifically invited
both of us. Hes still not thrilled that Im gay, but he accepts that we are a
couple. So I think that since he went out of his way to try to include us, we
should go. Also, he had another point. Were family. Some of them may not
want me around right now, but Im not going anywhere. I wont hide and I
wont run away from them. Theyre just gonna have to deal with it.
A very courageous attitude, but that doesnt make for a fun party. But
if you want to go, we will. Sometimes I can get into shoving things in
peoples faces, and I know how much my being there will spoil the day for
J ohn and Vinnie. Ill call Rob when we get home and tell him we cant make
it.
Dont do that yet. This thing of my parents is early, probably from six
to eight, and I cant imagine that were going to stay very long. So if we can
line up a babysitter, we should be able to make it to both events.
*****
Ben
The time I was able to spend with Becky had changed quite a bit since
the first of the year, but it was more due to her relationship with Glenn than
J oey having moved in with me. Since Glenn was manager of a large store
that was open fourteen hours a day, seven days a week, his work hours
varied quite a bit. Instead of our old take-out and TV routine on Tuesdays,
Becky would come over one night when Glenn was working and join the
two of us. And wed have the two of them over for dinner at least every
other week. Now and then the four of us would go out to eat, five if we
couldnt find someone to watch Connor.
J oey had checked with his sister-in-law, Gina, about babysitting for
Connor after his parents party but she couldnt do it. The women in the
family were all helping Mrs. Napoli with the open house and Ginas job was
cleanup, so shed be busy well into the evening. Donna Marie wasnt yet on
the babysitter list and there was no point even thinking about the other two.
Thursday night Becky came over for dinner. We ordered Chinese
takeout, giving J oey a night off from cooking. I asked if she was doing
anything Saturday. I knew that sometimes Glenn worked and sometimes
they stayed in if her roommate was going out. They could stay in at my
place as well as hers, better maybe.
I wish I could help you guys out, but Glenn is taking me out to
celebrate Valentines Day, I know its not actually until next Tuesday, but
hes working then.
Where are you guys going? I was thinking that maybe we could set
them up with a romantic catered meal here. Babysitting would make it a bit
less romantic, but Connor would probably sleep through it.
Glenn wanted to surprise me but I wormed it out of him. Hes made
reservations at the Highlawn Pavilion. Itll probably cost him a weeks pay
but I cant wait. Ive wanted to go there for years.
So there went the idea of them babysitting. That left Mother. She and
Sam had a busy social life so I wasnt counting on her being available. I was
pleasantly surprised when I called and she said that they had no plans and
were going to spend a quiet evening at home. Everything seemed to work
out fine. The first party ended at eight, which was the same time the second
party began. And Mother and Sam lived halfway in between the two. Since
we werent planning on staying very long at J oeys parents, we would be
able to spend a few minutes with Mother and Sam, decompressing.
I was more than a little nervous on Saturday. I spent a good part of the
day working in my home office while J oey was at the nursery, trying to keep
my mind off his family party. It promised to be a very tense visit but I
agreed with J oey that it was important that we go. I knew there was a third
reason for his wanting to go that he hadnt mentioned. He was feeling
guilty. Connor had lived his entire life with the Napolis. His grandmother
had taken care of him nearly every day. Now it had been a month since hed
seen her. I knew she must miss him terribly, but I really didnt care about
that. It was her choice. But Connor must have wondered where she was and
why he wasnt with her.
Wed planned on getting there early to get it over as quickly as possible.
I was hoping that maybe one or both of the bad brothers would be late and
we might miss them altogether. But my lust for J oey did me in. He wanted
to take a shower to refresh himself before getting ready and I thought he
might need a hand, so I put Connor in his playpen and joined J oey. One
thing led to another and we didnt get out of the shower until the water was
turning cold. And while we were both feeling wonderful, refreshed wasnt
exactly the right word.
Anyway, it was after six-thirty when we parked in front of the Napoli
residence. Even so, I had hope.
There arent many cars parked on the street. Maybe everyone else is
late.
Everyone else lives within a few blocks, Ben. Im sure they all
walked.
Connor seemed excited to be home again. We went in the front door
and J oey had no sooner set him down and taken his coat off than he took off
into the living room. A few seconds later I heard Mrs. Napoli shriek, My
baby!
We chatted for a few minutes with Tony and his sister Anita in the front
hall while J oey hung up our coats. Finally we couldnt put it off any longer.
J oey turned to me and smiled nervously.
Ready to face the lions?
No, but we might as well get it over with.
Holler if you need reinforcements, guys.
Thanks, Tony, we will.
We went into the living room and found it was mostly men. Mr. Napoli,
Sal, Anthony and John were there, as well as an older teenager I assumed
was J ohns son, Vito. J ohn glared at us and walked out of the room. Vito
followed.
Im glad you made it, boys. Connor just dashed through here a minute
ago so I knew you were here.
J oey walked over to his father and hugged him. Mr. Napoli put a hand
on either side of J oeys head and pulled him close, giving him a kiss on the
lips. J oey had told me his father occasionally did that to his sons but it was
still a bit of a shock to see. My family wasnt at all physically
demonstrative. I held out my hand to Mr. Napoli and he got very formal and
stiffly shook it.
Happy anniversary, sir. How many does this make?
Forty-eight, Ben. Nearly fifty happy years.
Congratulations, sir.
I looked at J oey and wondered what he would look like in fifty years.
Still beautiful, I was sure. As he talked with his father and Anthony a couple
of little kids ran though the room, paying no attention to us at all. Maybe this
wouldnt be so bad. J oey nudged me after a while and suggested we
continue mingling so we moved toward the dining room. The table was
extended to its maximum length and every square inch was covered with
bowls, trays and platters of food. There was a huge antipasto, shrimp with
cocktail sauce, stuffed mushrooms, tortellini, meatballs, sausage with
peppers and onions, and probably a half a dozen pasta dishes. The women
were hanging out in there, keeping an eye on the table so they could bring
out refills when needed. Mrs. Napoli was standing near the door into the
kitchen holding Connor in her arms. I followed J oey across the room toward
her but we hadnt taken more than a couple of steps when she saw us, turned
her back very deliberately and passed though the swinging door into the
kitchen.
J oey shrugged. Well, I tried. At least shes knows were here and
Connor has a chance to spend a little time with her. Want to grab a plate?
he nodded toward the table.
Everything looks and smell so good, J oey, but my stomach is in a knot.
I dont think I can eat a thing.
Same here. Im sure there will be stuff to nibble on at the next party
though it probably wont be as good. I guess we might as well get through
the rest of the family and then we can leave. We turned away from the food
and headed for the family room.
*****
Joey
Working with Anthony on Saturday made going to my parents house a
little easier. If it had been one of my other brothers it might have been too
stressful, trying to avoid him all day at work and then all evening at the
party. Even so I was tense when it came time to get ready. I decided to take
a shower to relax and Ben found the perfect way to take my mind out of my
body, as usual. Not that that was his point, I was sure. His point was sticking
about six inches out from his groin; at least it was when the shower began.
I wasnt very nervous about seeing my family. I had seen each of them
at least once since my coming out. Seeing them all together was a little
daunting, but I was determined to show them that I was still the same
person, that they werent going to make me back down, and, most of all, that
I loved Ben.
The evening started off better than Id hoped. Sure it was stressful, but
all of the people who had problems with Ben and me being together were
going out of their way to avoid us. First J ohn walked out on us, then Mom.
Only Vinnie was left and he scowled at us as we walked into the family
room. He headed toward the kitchen as soon as he saw us, muttering at me
angrily as he walked by, I cant fuckin believe you had the balls to bring
him here.
Most of the kids were in this room. There was a self-service bar set up
on a table in the corner but neither of us wanted a drink. We chatted a bit
with a very uncomfortable Donna Marie and then I caught J ames eye. He
was talking to his cousins Carole and April near the fireplace. Or at least he
was listening to them talk. When he saw me looking his way he averted his
eyes and quickly slipped out of the room. He was the one family member I
didnt want avoiding me. Hed always been such a good kid and I hated that
he was having a hard time with my being gay. Id never had a chance to talk
to him and once Id come out Vinnie had told me to keep away from all of
his kids.
After what I thought was a decent time we worked our way back to the
front of the house, planning to leave soon. I saw Pop in the dining room and
asked him if he could get Connor from Mom. Apparently, she still had him
in the kitchen. When we got to the living room Anthony and Tony broke
away from the other guys and came over to talk to us. It was so nice talking
to people who were totally at ease with us. They put me at ease, so much
that I almost forgot that J ohn and Vinnie were across the room. I could tell
Ben was more relaxed, too, and I moved over closer to him. I rested my
right hand on his left shoulder for a minute, until I felt another hand tightly
grab my wrist and pull it away. I turned and Vinnie was glaring at me.
Cant you keep your fuckin hands off the guy? Theres kids in the
room, for Christs sake.
I shook my hand away from his grasp. Then you might try watching
your language.
Oh, excuse me, I forgot how sensitive you are. But apparently you
think cock-sucking and butt-fucking is perfectly acceptable, but a little foul
language isnt?
He was right in my face, his body inches away from me. I put both
hands on his chest and shoved him away. He stumbled back a bit.
Keep your fuckin hands off me, faggot, he said a bit loudly as he
lunged forward. He swung a fist at me and I tried to block it but he grazed
the side of my head. Anthony and J ohn both jumped in between us and it
turned into an off-balance four-way scuffle.
Boys! Pops voice was as sharp as the crack of a whip. We all froze in
our tracks. I slowly turned toward the dining room and Pop was standing in
the doorway holding Connor, whose eyes were bugging out.
Pop, he had his hands all over the guy. Hes ...
Thats enough, Vincent! Thats enough from all of you. This is
disgraceful, the way youre all acting. You are brothers. This is a family.
You may not agree with each other but you will treat each other with
respect. And if thats too hard for you, then at least leave each other alone. I
wont have this in my house.
He wasnt speaking loudly but there was a strength in his voice, a force
that clearly took charge of the situation. Pop didnt exert his authority often,
but when he did everyone knew he meant it. Vinnie hung his head and went
out into the hall. J ohn followed him. I went over to Pop and took Connor
from him. I noticed James and his little brother Mike in the dining room
behind Pop. A couple of the girls were standing there, too. They all looked
horrified.
Im sorry, Pop. I dont know what happened. The tension just kind of
exploded.
All of a sudden Pop looked tired and sad and just shook his head. He
crossed the room and sat in his recliner, leaned his head back and closed his
eyes. I turned to Ben.
I think wed better go.
We put our coats on in silence and left without another word to anyone.
Ben got behind the wheel and I buckled Connor into his seat, then got in the
front next to Ben. He started the car but didnt attempt to drive away for a
minute.
Damn, your father scared the shit out of me. Where did that come
from?
Hes always been such a quiet guy, almost meek.
Ive only seen him like that once or twice. J ust because hes quiet
doesnt mean hes not the boss in this family. I know everybody thinks
Mom is in charge because shes the noisy aggressive one, but Pop has the
final word, always. When he lays down the law no one dares challenge him,
not even Mom.
So what do you think this will mean?
I dont know. Pop knows he cant force everybody to like one another
but I think hes had it with all of the antagonism. I dont think much will
change but maybe everyone will be a bit more civil.
It looks like hes on your side, at least.
Pop doesnt take sides. He doesnt believe there should be sides in a
family. He wants the best for all of us, for us all to be happy.
So do you still want to go to Rob and J ims?
Yeah, I think I need a good party now.
Ben drove to Short Hills and we spent about half an hour with Gale and
Sam before leaving for the party. We told Gale we wouldnt be late but she
assured us it didnt matter to her. We were walking up the sidewalk to Rob
and J ims house when my phone went off in my pocket causing me to jump.
What was that little dance step about?
My phone is on vibrate and it just gave me a thrill. I pulled it out of
my pocket and looked at the screen.
Who is it?
Nobody I know, or nobody in my phone book, anyway, and that pretty
much has everyone I know in it. I put the phone back in my pocket without
answering. If its important theyll leave a message. Right now I just want
a drink.
It was Bens turn to be designated driver so that meant I got to drink.
The crowd was pretty much the same as on New Years Eve and I surprised
myself by remembering a few names. Paul and Chad were there, of course,
but they completely ignored us this time and we returned the favor. When it
came to creating tension, they couldnt hold a candle to my family.
Even after two drinks I couldnt stop thinking about the almost-fight
with Vinnie. I didnt think he really meant to hit me. I had pushed him
without thinking and he reacted the same way, instinctively. The tension
that had been building between us had made things worse. Ben was quieter
than usual so I thought he was probably thinking of our early evening as
well. A little after eleven, I realized that we were both stifling yawns. It had
been a long stressful day for us both.
What do you say we call it a night, J oey? I think weve both had as
much as we can handle tonight.
Thanks, Ben. I know these are your friends and Im sorry my family
got in the way of us enjoying this party.
Dont worry about it. I had a good time for a while but now Im tired.
No big deal.
We found our hosts and Ben explained that wed both had a long day
and we were leaving.
Were just a couple of old married farts who turn into pumpkins at
midnight.
As we drove off I took my phone from my pocket again. The screen
indicated there was a message. The number looked familiar. I called my
voice mail and punched in my code for the message. There was several
seconds of what sounded like sobbing, then J ames voice came through
sounding muffled. I cant take it anymore, Uncle J oey. I just cant. Then
more sobbing, then silence.
Who was it? Ben had stopped at a light. We were nearly back to his
mothers.
J ames. He was crying. Damn, I wish I could talk to him. He sounded
so upset.
Call him. Youve got his cell number there.
I called the number and it rang several times before going to voice mail.
I hung up and tried again. Same thing.
Im really worried about him. Im going to try the house phone and
hope Rita answers.
Luck was on my side and Rita did get the phone.
Rita, its J oey. Sorry to call so late but I was worried about J ames.
J oey? J ames? What do you mean?
He called my cell phone a while ago and left a message. He was
crying. I wanted to make sure he was okay.
There was a rustling sound and then Vinnie came on the line.
What do you want, faggot? Didnt I tell you not to talk to my family?
Shut up and listen, Vin. J ames called me before and sounded very
upset. J ust check on him and see if hes okay. I dont have to talk to him if
you dont want me to.
Of course hes upset. He idolized you and now youve turned into a
cocksucker. His voice got quieter and a little muffled. I realized hed put
his hand over the phone. Whats your problem, Rita?
I could hear Ritas excited voice in the background but couldnt catch
what she was saying.
What do you mean he wont wake up? ... Shit, havent I told you to
keep your pills where the kids cant get them? How many were in there?
... Fuck! He slammed the phone down.
I looked up and we were turning into Gales driveway.
Lets get Connor and get out of here, Ben. Weve got to get over to
Vinnies.

Chapter Twenty-Five
Ben
We ran into Mothers house and picked up Connor. He was sound
asleep and didnt wake up much as J oey carried him to the car. I very briefly
explained to Mother that there was a bit of a family emergency and we were
off again. I drove quickly but carefully to Madison. I turned onto
Greenwood Avenue and had only gone a couple of blocks when we saw
flashing red lights turn a corner ahead and come racing toward us. An
ambulance flew past us heading back toward Main Street, followed by an
SUV.
That was Vinnies car behind the ambulance. J oey was half turned
around in the seat watching the two vehicles disappeared in the distance
behind us.
Do you want to turn around and go after them?
No, Im sure theyre heading for the hospital in Morristown. There
must be someone at the house watching the kids. Lets go there. He
swiveled back around in the seat and was about as fidgety as the seat belts
would allow.
I turned into the side street the ambulance had come out of and halfway
down the block there was a house with lights on in nearly every window.
J oey had me pull over and park. He picked up Connor and we went up the
sidewalk. He opened the door and went in without knocking. Mrs. Napoli
was sitting on the couch with one arm around a young boy and the other
around a slightly older girl. A teenage girl was sitting on a chair with Mr.
Napoli perched on the arm, his arm around her shoulder. All three kids were
wearing pajamas and looked sleepy and scared. Anthony was standing near
the door.
What are you doing here? Mrs. Napoli looked up at J oey, appearing
surprised to see him. Havent you done enough damage? You had to drag
Connor out this late at night, too?
J ames called me, Ma. We were at a party.
I know he called you. Rita told me. She did a little double-take. You
took Connor to a party with you?
Of course not, Ma, we left him with Bens mother. She was watching
him. We were just picking him up when I talked to Vinnie.
Bens mother? she sputtered. Her eyebrows flew up and I thought she
was going to explode.
Anthony stepped over to us and put one arm around my shoulder and
the other around J oey. Lets step outside for a minute, guys.
We followed him back out the front door, stopping at the foot of the
steps.
Moms freaking out about this and I dont want the kids to get any
more upset.
Is J ames okay? Whats going on? J oey quickly told Anthony about
the phone calls.
He was unconscious and theyre taking him to the hospital. Rita
couldnt wake him up and neither could the paramedics. There was an
empty prescription bottle on the table next to the bed. As near as Rita can
figure there were 20-25 tranquilizers in it. Thats a huge overdose. I guess a
lot depends on how long ago he took them. Vinnie said he was upset after
the blowup at the Mom and Pops and left not long after you did. He was in
his room when they got home at nine-thirty so they didnt see him.
He left the message on my phone a little after nine but I have no way of
knowing if hed taken the pills then.
Look, why dont you go on home, guys? Theres nothing much you
can do here. Gina and I are going to stay with the kids. Mom is too upset to
be any help so Pop is gonna take her home in a few minutes. Ill call you
when I hear something. It will probably be a long night.
Okay. J oey seemed reluctant to leave. He put his free arm around
Anthony. Anthony wrapped both his arms around Joey and Connor and held
them in a long hug. Ill pray for him.
So will I, J oey.
We got back in the car and drove home in silence. Once in the house
J oey took Connor to his room to get him ready for bed. I attended to Lula,
then went into Connors room. J oey had him in his pajamas and was sitting
on the bed, holding him, humming to him. I watched as J oey rocked back
and forth. I wasnt sure who was comforting whom.
When J oey put Connor in the crib we went into our room. I wrapped
him in my arms and we stood in the middle of the room for a few minutes. I
could feel him trembling in my arms.
Hes just gotta be all right, Ben. Hes just gotta. Its all my fault. I
should have answered the phone when he called.
You had no way of knowing it was him or what was going on. Its not
your fault.
But Im the reason he was so upset, going all the way back to when he
saw us at the nursery.
You tried to talk to him. So did I. Its not your fault the way he reacted.
And Vinnie practically ordered you not to talk to him after you came out. If
its anyones fault, its his fathers. His attitude is what set this up. But
theres no point in blaming anyone. That doesnt help J ames now. All we
can do is hope and pray they got him to the hospital in time.
I know. Lets go to bed. Im sure Ill never get to sleep but we could
both use some rest. I feel like Im going to collapse.
We slowly undressed and lay down. I was on my back and J oey lay on
his left side next to me, his right arm draped across my chest. My right arm
was wrapped around him and he nestled his head on my shoulder. It was the
reverse of our usual position but it felt right. In spite of what J oey had said in
less than a minute his steady rhythmic breathing told me he was asleep. It
had been a long hard day for him and he was emotionally exhausted. I just
lay there for a while, listening to my lover breathe. And though it had been
years, I prayed. Not just for J ames, but for J oey and the whole Napoli
family.
*****

Joey
At some point early in the morning my phone rang and woke me up. I
fumbled for it in the half-darkness and managed to answer before the voice
mail kicked in. It was Anthony.
Vinnie and Rita are home. J ames is still at the hospital but they think
hes going to be okay. Theyre keeping him for observation. Ill call you
later in the day when I know more.
Thanks, Anthony.
Ben stirred and grunted next to me and I repeated Anthonys news. We
were both asleep again in seconds. The next time I woke up it was daylight
and the room was bright. I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost
nine. I couldnt remember the last time Id slept that late. I ran to the
bathroom to empty my bladder and then went to check on Connor. He was
standing in the crib, patiently waiting. I wondered how long hed been up. I
carried him into the kitchen where I let Lula out and put on the coffee, then
I took him back to his room to change and dress him. When I was done I
heard Ben up in the bathroom. He joined me for coffee in the kitchen in a
few minutes looking like teenager in his boxers with his hair all messed up.
You slept in for a change. Good for you. My bad habits are finally
starting to wear off on you.
I must have needed the sleep. Yesterday wasnt easy.
No, it was a tough one. Any more news?
Anthony said hed call later but nothing yet. Are you up for Mass?
He groaned. Sure, if you want, but arent we supposed to go early?
We dont have much choice at this point. Mom is gonna have to share
the church with us. Im not much in the mood to see her again but well have
to deal with it and so will she.
We made it to St. Vincents a couple of minutes past ten. Mass was just
starting so we slipped into the last row. I looked around and saw Mom with
Rita about halfway to the front on the other side of the aisle. When the
service was over we went to wait outside. I didnt want to upset either Mom
or Rita, but I was hoping for more information on J ames condition. They
came out the door and I could tell from the lines on their faces and the
circles under their eyes that neither of them had slept well. Of course, Rita
had been at the hospital all night. Maybe she hadnt slept at all.
How is he, Rita? Anthony called and said he was doing pretty good. I
was more than a little nervous talking to her and tried to ignore Mom.
Good? I sat in the hospital all night watching him breathe, praying that
each breath wouldnt be his last. I thought my baby was going to die. I put
my arms around her and she softly sobbed for a minute. But hes alive, so
thats better than good. They pumped his stomach in the emergency room
and put him on an IV with something to counteract the tranquilizers. Even
so he didnt wake up until six oclock and he was really groggy. The doctor
said it would probably take him half the day to sleep it all off but once he
woke up this morning, even though it was just for a few minutes, he was
completely out of danger. Physically, anyway.
Thank God. Lets hope he talks to someone and gets some help for
whats bothering him. I feel like this is partly my fault. Hes been upset
about my relationship with Ben and I havent been able to talk to him about
it.
Im glad to see you admit the damage youre doing to this family,
J oey. Mom gave me a steely look.
I recognize that some people are having a hard time dealing with my
relationship with Ben, Ma, but Im not responsible for anyones actions
other than my own. I just wish Id had a chance to talk to J ames and explain,
though.
I know the news about you was bothering him a lot, J oey, but this
mood of his goes back quite a while. Hes practically stopped talking to
Vinnie the last few months. Hes been less open with me, too, and he always
used to talk to me about everything.
Well, the hospital has lots of professionals whose job it is to get people
to talk. Hes in the right place to get help now.
Anthony called early in the afternoon. Apparently, J ames emotional
turmoil hadnt affected his appetite the night before and that is what saved
him. Carole said she saw him down two full plates of food at the open house
before our little fight. All that pasta and cheese had slowed down his
digestion and kept the pills from getting into his system any faster.
I didnt get any more information about him over the next couple of
days. I was only working afternoons and Vinnie was at the hospital some of
the time, but he wasnt speaking to me anyway. He wasnt saying much to
anyone. He seemed angry and stressed and kept pretty much to himself. I
wasnt feeling so hot myself. I kept berating myself for not having made
more of an effort to talk to J ames. Its not as though I hadnt done anything.
I did talk to him on Christmas, though wed been interrupted and J ames had
used that as an excuse to practically run away. And then after J ames had
come looking for me at Mom and Pops house and run into Ben, Id called
and left a message for him. He was the one who didnt call back. At the
time, considering everything else going on in my mind getting ready to
come out, it hadnt seemed crucial and I thought I had made reasonable
attempts to get in touch with him. But looking back...
*****
Ben
For the next few days we didnt get much more news about J ames.
Anthony said he was acting very withdrawn in the hospital. J oey was doing
a bit of withdrawing himself. He was much quieter than usual and very
distracted. I knew he was relieved that J ames had pulled though, but he was
feeling guilt over the whole thing. At first it was because he hadnt
answered his phone when J ames called. He felt that if he had, he might have
been able to head everything off, from the overdose to the hospitalization
afterward. But then there was the whole issue of J amess reaction to finding
out J oey was gay as well.
I tried to reassure J oey as much as I could. Whatever J ames problems
were couldnt be J oeys fault. Sure, seeing J oey and me kissing and finding
out his uncle was gay seemed to aggravate his down mood, but it was more
than that. Nobody attempts suicide just because a relative comes out. There
was definitely something else going on in the boys head. I was sure J oey
understood that, but he was still spending a lot of time wrapped up in his
thoughts.
Connor and I did our best to cheer him up; Connor just by being his
adorable charming self, me by being there, talking to him, holding him,
trying to comfort him. He seemed to react well to physical comforting. I had
noticed how Connor always seemed to calm him down when he held him. I
appeared to have the same effect on him. J oey spent a lot of time cuddling
with me, holding me.
Tuesday afternoon I picked up Connor at the day care center after work
and took him home as usual. I pulled into the driveway and pressed the
button to open the garage door, drove in and hit the button again to close the
doors. Connor was squirming, twisting and giggling in his seat in the back
of the car. He loved the automatic door opener. I guess it looked like magic
to him. The Napolis had a detached garage with old-fashioned manual doors
that opened out. I got him out of his seat and carried him through the door
into the family room. Id just set him down on the floor to greet Lula when
the doorbell rang. Keeping an eye on the two kids, I made my way to the
front of the house. I was very surprised to see Rita standing at the door. She
seemed a little uncomfortable when I opened the door, not looking me in the
eyes but glancing over my shoulder.
Uh, is J oey here?
No, hes still at work but he should be home in a little bit. Would you
like to wait for him?
She hesitated. Yes, I suppose so. She came in and I took her coat. I
was hanging it in the closet when I heard Connor yell out.
Reeee!
He came charging toward his aunt. She bent down and picked him up
and kissed him. I took him from her and removed his coat, hung it up and
then took care of my own.
Would you like something to drink? Coffee, tea?
Uh, sure, tea would be nice.
I led her to the kitchen and put on the teakettle. I let Lula out in the yard,
apologizing to her for having to wait.
Can you watch Connor for a minute while I get changed? Im just
getting in from work.
Sure, go ahead. I knew that wasnt J oeys car pulling in but I saw
Connor in the backseat so I took a chance. Im sorry to inconvenience you.
No problem, J oey should be here soon. He closed up yesterday so he
wont be working late today.
I know, Vinnie is closing today.
I went to the bedroom, got out of my business drag and quickly made a
pit stop in the bathroom. I got back to the kitchen just as the kettle started
whistling. I put the teapot and cups on the counter and added a plate of
cookies. Then I poured some juice into Connors plastic cup, snapped on the
lid with the built-in straw and took it to him in the family room. I took a
cookie from the plate and gave it to him, then joined Rita at the counter.
All done, I think. Hows J ames doing?
Not very good.
She didnt elaborate and I was hesitant to ask for more information. I
wasnt family, after all. In fact, her part of the family seemed to regard me
as the enemy, the one who was causing all of the trouble. Under other
circumstances, I might have attempted a little neutral small talk to pass the
time, but she was obviously preoccupied and wasnt very interested in
talking to me, so I left her with her thoughts. We sat at the counter sipping
our tea, watching Connor play with a toy on the floor.
It seemed like an hour but was probably only fifteen minutes when I
heard J oey at the door. I think Rita and I both breathed a sigh of relief that
our wait was over.
*****
Joey
You could have knocked me over with a feather when I got home from
work and found Rita and Ben sitting at the kitchen counter sipping tea. They
werent talking and they both seemed pretty uncomfortable and relieved to
see me. I greeted Connor, who was on the family room floor with Lula, and
then went over to Rita. She looked tired, with dark circles under her eyes.
Ben got up and kissed me on the cheek and excused himself, saying he had
work to do in his office. I knew that was the truth, but he was also giving
Rita some privacy to talk to me.
I refilled her cup and poured one for myself and then sat down at the
counter across from her. She acted a little hesitant, which was the way she
usually was. Vinnie had a pretty strong personality and at times it was
overwhelming. Rita was good at blending into the background.
How did you know where Ben lived, Rita?
I called your father at the nursery and asked him to look it up for me.
Hows J ames doing? Is he feeling any better?
I dont think so, J oey. She kept her eyes down, looking at her teacup
rather than at me. He wont talk to anyone. When Vinnie and I visit him he
wont even look at us. He just stares out the window. The staff says hes not
much better with them. He gives them one-word answers but thats about it.
Hes completely withdrawn into himself.
The doctors havent been able to get anything out of him?
Nothing. We have no idea why he took those pills and he seems worse
than before. She started fidgeting with her cup. I know I dont have the
right to ask, but I was hoping you would do me a favor.
What do you mean, you dont have the right to ask? You know Ill help
in any way I can, though I dont see what I can do.
Well, Vinnie and I have been pretty antagonistic toward you lately so I
would imagine that youre not feeling too kindly toward us. But I was
wondering if youd go to the hospital and try to talk to J ames.
What makes you think hed talk to me? Hes been avoiding me since
Christmas.
You were always his favorite uncle, J oey. You know how much he
used to hang around you and J enny. And he did call you Saturday night.
Maybe hell talk to you.
Ill try if you think it could help, but you know that Vinnie isnt going
to like this.
She raised her eyes and suddenly she looked stronger and more defiant
than I could remember seeing her. I dont care if Vinnie likes it. Im trying
to save my son.
Ill do anything I can, Rita. Are you sure you dont have a problem
with me talking to him?
Im not going to lie and say I dont have a problem with this new life
youve picked out for yourself. I was raised to believe it was wrong and I
dont understand where this part of you came from. But, unlike Vinnie, I
dont think its something that you can change, especially not just because
someone tells you to. Ive always loved you, J oey, and I always will, but I
recognize that youre a grown man and you have to make your own
decisions. I may not like this way youre living, she waved her arm around
the room, but its your choice. I have no say in the matter.
That was a better attitude than Id hoped for from her. She usually
echoed Vinnies opinions and I expected her to back him on this. She was
more resigned than accepting of my relationship with Ben, but it was a start.
If she could at least put up with it and not fight me, in time I was sure shed
see how right Ben and I were for each other. Rita didnt want to hang around
very long since she wanted to get home before Vinnie to avoid questions.
Before she left she suggested I go to the hospital the next day after lunch to
see J ames since she and Vinnie would be there in the morning.
I took Connor with me when I went to the hospital. I knew that a
psychiatric ward wasnt a very appropriate place for a toddler, but I was
pretty sure the patients wouldnt be raving lunatics. Besides, J ames was
crazy about Connor and if I couldnt get through to him maybe Connor
could. When I got to the section of the hospital where J ames was I stopped
at the nurses station and was directed to a sunroom at the end of the hall.
All of the patients on this floor wore street clothes rather than pajamas, so
when I saw J ames sitting in a chair in the corner he didnt look any different
than when he was at the party on Saturday.
Except for his eyes. Hed had a nervous, almost trapped, look every
time Id seen him the last couple of months. Now he had a distant,
unfocused look. His facial expression was blank, even when he looked at
me, although I thought I detected a trace of a smile at the corners of his
mouth when he saw Connor. I put Connor in his lap and he carefully but
firmly grabbed onto him. I settled in a chair a few feet away facing them and
waited a minute, unsure what to say. J ames hardly seemed aware of my
presence but he concentrated on Connor, fussing with him a bit. Finally, I
dove in.
So, J ames, I just stopped by to see how youre doing. Ive been
worried about you. No response; he didnt even look up. Look, I want to
apologize for not answering the phone the other night. I feel really bad that
you wanted to talk to me and I wasnt there for you. You know how much I
love you.
His eyes flickered briefly toward me but then went back to Connor.
I also feel bad that I never got to talk to you about Ben and me. I know
you were confused and upset and I should have made more of an effort to
talk to you about it. I want so much for you to understand and be
comfortable with it.
There was a long silence. I wasnt sure if I should have brought Ben up,
whether that would make things better or worse. J ames looked over my
shoulder out the window for a minute and then finally turned his eyes to me.
I just dont understand anything, Uncle J oey. You know how much I
always loved you and Aunt J enny. And now all of a sudden youre with that
guy. And Dad says its sick and disgusting. And the Church says its a sin
and totally wrong. You were always one of the greatest guys Ive ever
known. None of this makes any sense.
I know its confusing. I was pretty confused myself for a while and Im
a lot older than you. But I want you to understand. Ask me anything and Ill
try to explain.
I was so relieved that he was talking. Apparently this was the most he
had said since the overdose. I didnt want to ruin it by making speeches or
saying the wrong thing so I figured it was best it he directed the
conversation.
How did you know that you were, um, gay? I thought you and Aunt
J enny were happy together.
This was the first question most people asked and I had reached a point
where I could just push a button and play back the appropriate response on
autopilot. But I didnt want to give J ames an automated answer so I went
slowly through it, trying to explain growing up with J enny, the total love I
had for her, but also going through the physical attractions Id felt toward
guys, going back to my early teens.
I know a lot of people have trouble coming to terms with being gay but
that wasnt really the case with me. Because I was in love with Jenny, I
didnt have to think about anything else much. I mean, it didnt really matter
whether my attractions were toward guys or girls because I was with J enny
and I knew I wasnt ever going to follow through on them. And after I lost
J enny I didnt want anyone. I really didnt expect to ever fall in love again
and didnt want to, to be honest. So again, physical attractions just didnt
matter. And then I met Ben and my whole world turned upside down. I was
in love again only this time it wasnt something I could easily share with
everyone else. It was tough enough going through all of the emotions and
uncertainties of a new relationship without having to wonder about how
everyone else would react to it. But Ben was fantastic. He loved me,
supported me, encouraged me and gave me the time to figure it all out.
So youre happy like this? But isnt is wrong?
Im very happy, J ames. I never thought Id feel like this again after
J enny died. And I dont believe that love is ever wrong.
But everyone else says it is.
Not everyone. I think that the Churchs position is more along the lines
of condemning lust and promiscuity, not love. That, and the Church want to
promote relationships that have the possibility of creating more Catholics.
But what about what Dad says? Hes off the wall about you and Ben
and hes not at all religious.
A lot of societys opposition to homosexuality today isnt based on
religion, although maybe it goes back to that historically. Its just our
culture. A lot of people get nervous about anything thats different, that they
dont understand. Most people go along with the majority, and think that
anything different is wrong. With some guys it seems to threaten them in
some way. Maybe theyre insecure about who they are.
My dad doesnt seem insecure. Hes pretty strong and assertive, like
he knows without a doubt whats right and wrong.
I dont know what your fathers problem is, J ames. Hes my brother
and I love him and I know he loves me, but I just dont know where this
attitude of his is coming from. Im hoping that it will fade as he gets used to
the idea.
J ames seemed to have run out of questions. Id given him a lot to think
about, maybe more than Id planned to, but I was glad Id finally been able
to explain what was going on in my life and why. He had so many
conflicting ideas in his head and maybe now he could straighten them out
and begin to make sense of them. We just sat in silence for a while. Connor
climbed down off J ames lap and wandered around near us. I watched the
expressions change on J ames face as he reviewed what we talked about and
thought of new things.
Finally he turned to me and whispered very softly, Im gay, Uncle
J oey.
A tear ran down his right cheek. I got up and pulled him up and took
him in my arms and he broke down. I held him and tried to reassure him and
comfort him as he sobbed. I noticed a staff member standing in the doorway
looking concerned but I waved her off. Hed just said those words out loud
for the first time in his life and it had taken a lot out of him, but it was an
important first step toward coming to terms with his life. He didnt cry very
long and when he had composed himself we both sat back down.
I had a feeling you might be gay.
He looked panicked. Why? Is it obvious?
No, theres nothing about the way you act that would make me think
youre gay, not that you can tell with most people anyway. Its just the way
you reacted to finding out about me. Ben and I discussed the possibility of
you being gay as one explanation.
Youre not gonna tell him about this, are you?
Calm down, J ames. I wont tell anyone if you dont want me to, but
Ben is a great guy who can probably help you deal with coming out better
than I can. When you get to know him youll see that he could be a great
friend to you.
J ames looked doubtful. Im not sure Im ready for anyone else to find
out. Dad would kill me.
I know he wouldnt handle it well but keep in mind that hes your
father and he loves you. I think you should talk to the professionals here at
the hospital before you think about doing or saying anything to anyone else.
They have lots of experience with all these issues and can help you get your
head together before you make another move.
I guess youre right. Theyve been trying to get me to talk for days but
Ive felt like I was frozen, just completely locked up inside. I just couldnt.
Well, maybe now that youve melted a bit it will be easier. J ust take
things at your own pace. Theres no pressure on you to do anything you
dont want to, but the important thing is that you keep working on it, that
you get more comfortable with who you are, because then youll be able to
deal with the rest.
Ill try. And you can tell Ben about this if you want, but please make
sure he doesnt tell anyone else.
He wont, J ames. Hes as much on your side as I am. We both just
want whats best for you.

Chapter Twenty-Six
Joey
I got into work Thursday at noon and Vinnie was just leaving for lunch.
He pointedly ignored me and I tried to pay no attention to him. I took over
the front counter from Anthony and thought about J ames situation. It was
bad enough for me having to deal with a brother who was so rabidly
anti-gay. J ames had to live in the same house and put up with Vinnie all the
time. But what made it even harder was J ames age. He was only fifteen,
going through all of those usual teenage insecurities, trying to figure out
who he was. That was difficult enough without having your role model, the
man you looked up to, loved and tried to emulate your whole life giving
daily tirades against something that was a basic part of your identity. Id
promised James that I would be there for him and do anything I could to
support him and I was going to try. God knows he was going to need all the
support he could get, though I wasnt sure how I could do that with Vinnies
attitude toward me.
Vinnie didnt come back for a long time after lunch. From what Pop
said hed been taking time off during the morning all week to go to the
hospital with Rita. The hospital had called this morning to ask that they not
come until the afternoon; that J ames was finally talking to his counselors
and they thought they were making progress. I was glad to hear that. I knew
it had been a breakthrough for him to come out to me, but I wasnt a
professional. I could love him and offer support, but he needed more than
that.
Around three-thirty, I had just handed the only customer in the shop her
change when I saw Vinnie come in through the side door. He seemed to be
thoroughly pissed off and quickly looked around the shop. He spotted me at
the register as my customer went out the front door. Vinnie stormed over
toward me, his eyes flashing. A movement in the back of the shop caught
my eye and I glanced back and saw Pop standing in the doorway of the
office. I never even saw Vinnies fist as he came around the counter. I felt a
sharp stinging pain on the side of my face as I was knocked backwards by
the blow. My feet went out from under me and the back of my head
slammed the floor as I landed. That pain was worse than that from his blow.
I didnt lose consciousness but I was stunned, unable to move or function in
any way. I felt groggy and wanted to shake off the feeling but couldnt.
Vincent! I looked up and saw Pop push against Vinnies chest with
both hands, slamming him back against the wall. What the hell is wrong
with you? Ive had enough of this from you.
He fucked up my kid, Pop. J ames is confused and has been going
through a bad time and he went to see him yesterday. Now he thinks hes a
fag like his dear Uncle J oey.
Anthony had appeared from out of nowhere and knelt down beside me.
He carefully helped me to a sitting position. My head was throbbing and I
raised my hand to carefully feel the back. When I brought it back around
and looked at it there was no blood so that was a good sign.
I know were all going through a rough time with everything thats
happening, but thats no excuse for violence. I wont have it! I told you
before if you cant treat your brother civilly then just stay away from him.
Now get out of here before I lose my temper.
But Pop...
Vinnie, I mean it. I know youre upset and maybe you have some
reason to be, but this is not the way to handle it. Go home and calm down.
Youre not helping J ames by acting this way.
Vinnie glared down at me and for a second I thought he was going to
kick me. But he just turned and stormed out of the shop, slamming the door
behind him. Pop squatted down next to me.
Are you okay, son? Do you think you need a doctor?
No, its not that bad. Pop. I was just kind of stunned for a minute. It
hurts, but even that is fading.
Pop and Anthony helped me to my feet and I went back to the office
with Pop while Anthony took over the register. I sat at my desk and Pop
went into the storeroom. He came back a minute later with some ice cubes
wrapped in a towel.
Better put this on your face, son. Youve already got the beginning of a
shiner.
I held the ice pack to the side of my face. It felt cold but oh so good.
So what was Vinnie talking about? You went to see J ames?
I told him about Rita coming by the house the other day and my visit to
the hospital. Id promised J ames not to tell anyone except Ben about his
being gay so I couldnt tell Pop what wed talked about. It didnt really
matter much now since J ames had apparently told his parents but it still
wasnt my place to out him to anyone else. I apologized to Pop for seeming
secretive but explained that Id promised J ames.
I understand. I wouldnt ask you to break a confidence. I knew Rita
was probably going to see you when she called for Bens address. You and
J ames have always been close and I was hoping you could help. Pop
looked thoughtful for a minute. That poor boy, what he must be going
through. This all makes me feel so inadequate. Im the head of this family. I
supposed to be able to fix things, to make everything right for my loved
ones. And look at the mess were in. He sadly shook his head.
You cant fix everything, Pop. Youve been great, trying to help us all,
but weve each got to work thorough this ourselves. You cant force
understanding.
I dont know, J oey. It all seems like its falling apart. I cant get
through to your mother at all about you, and now theres this about J ames.
I know, I was thinking a few weeks ago that maybe with time everyone
would calm down and be more reasonable but it just gets worse instead of
better.
A few weeks isnt much time, son. Lets keep at it. Ill keep trying with
your mother and maybe if you can avoid your brothers for a while things
will calm down. I dont know what were going to do to help J ames, though.
Hes really stuck in the middle of all of this.
I know. Hes having enough problems without having to go home to
Vinnie. Maybe the doctors at the hospital can work with Vinnie to get him
to ease up and not be so hard on J ames.
Pop got quiet and seemed to drift off somewhere. He was thinking and I
didnt want to disturb him so I went back to work. After a few minutes he
turned back to me.
I may not be able to do anything to help J ames right now, but I have to
do something about you and Vinnie. Back when your brothers were little,
they often fought, mostly over small things. I could usually reason with
them, or scare the hell out of them if necessary, but now and then the only
solution was to separate them until they calmed down.
But Vinnie and I hardly see each other, anyway.
I know, but even that little bit seems to be too much. Right now the
nursery is open six days a week, so for a while you will each work three
days. Since youre already doing Saturdays, you can have Thursday and
Friday as well. Vinnie gets Monday through Wednesday. If youre not here
together you cant fight. And you wont be scaring the customers, either.
I thought how absurd it was that Pop had to do this to separate two
grown men. I didnt like the idea of hiding from Vinnie, but I agreed that
maybe things would cool down if we werent in each others faces all the
time. Pop was trying hard to be impartial, but the schedule actually
benefited me. Id only been working two and a half days since I moved into
Bens house, so this would be more time for me. Of course, that meant more
day care for Connor as well.
Okay, Pop, Ill make arrangements with the day care center. But how
is Vinnie going to support his family on only three days pay? Rita only
works part-time and they need his whole paycheck.
Pop smiled. Its so like you to be worried about him. But its not
forever, J oe. This is only for a short while and Im sure he can manage for a
little bit.
*****
Ben
I was helping Connor build a castle with his Legos on the family room
floor when J oey got home from work. Actually, I think Connor was helping
me since I seemed to be more into the actual structure of the thing. Connor
would have been just as happy pushing a couple of loose pieces around the
floor. I gave J oey a quick glance as I put a final piece in place. When I saw
his black eye I did a quick double take and leapt up to get a closer look.
Fuck, what happened? I very carefully touched the side of his face but
he jerked his head away at the contact.
J ames came out to his parents. Guess who Vinnie blames?
Shit, I should recognize his handiwork by now. I avoided his black
eye and put my hand behind his head to pull him into a kiss. He gasped and
pulled away again.
Sorry, babe, it hurts even worse back there. He told me how Vinnie
had taken him by surprise and knocked him onto the floor.
Well, youve got to give him credit. Hes a consistent asshole. Are you
sure youre okay, babe?
Yeah, just a little sore. It was no big deal, but you should have heard
Pop. He went through how his father had sent Vinnie home and then come
up with the new work schedule. So it looks like more time for Connor at
the day care center. He seems to enjoy it there so I dont feel as guilty as I
did at the start, but that means that what little extra money I make will all go
there.
It doesnt matter. Were making enough.
You mean youre making enough. Im not contributing much of
anything.
Wed been through this a couple of times since J oey moved in. At first
he insisted that we should split all of the household expenses down the
middle, but we both knew there was no way he could afford that on a
part-time paycheck. Besides, it was my house so why should he pay half? I
was used to paying all the bills and he had expenses with Connor, too.
As long as the bills get paid it doesnt matter where the money is
coming from, J oey. When business picks up in the spring youll be working
a lot more and making more. A couple of snowstorms and youll be
swimming in bucks, too. So dont sweat it.
I know, Ben. I just want you to know how much I appreciate all youre
doing for me and Connor.
Im not doing anything for you that you guys arent doing for me. The
love you two give me makes me happier than Ive been in ages.
I know you mean that, but I also know this isnt exactly the way you
expected your life to be. A lover whos just coming out, all of these family
problems and hassles. I wish this was all behind us and we could just be
happy.
Ill admit there have been times where I just wanted to grab you and
Connor and take off, getting the three of us as far away from your family as
possible. But if you can deal with it, so can I. Its harder on you. Theyre
your family and I know how much you love them all. Im just a bystander,
trying to help you out, hoping Im making things better for you and not
worse.
You always make things better, Ben. Always.
I knew that in spite of his trying to brush it off as nothing, his face and
head had to be hurting, so I babied him a little the rest of the evening. I
turned over the castle-building chores to J oey, while I made supper. It
wasnt much, just some minestrone soup that J oey had made the day before
and some burgers and fries, but it was easy and tasty. Especially the soup.
While J oey was putting Connor to bed I went through my dvd
collection, looking for a romantic comedy that didnt involve family
squabbles. I finally settled on Notting Hill. We were both J ulia Roberts fans.
By the time we went to bed his run-in with Vinnie was a distant
memory, though since he still had a slight headache I didnt want J oey to
overexert himself, so we had a mild lovemaking session. In fact, it took me
back to my adolescence, to those innocent days of mutual masturbation with
my friend Mike, before Father Tom made me think I was a pervert. We lay
side by side, each stroking the other, our slippery lubed hands sliding up and
down the others shafts. After a while I got up and straddled J oeys hips. We
continued our mutual jerk, with J oey pulling on me and me on him. Now
and then I leaned down and kissed him, which made it harder for us to
stroke but made it feel so much better. I had to be careful not to press his
head back into the pillow, but that just made the kisses more tender. After
what seemed like an hour of gently stroking each other, J oey began to gasp,
so I sat back and pulled a little harder, gently squeezing his head each time
my hand passed over it. I felt his hips buck under me and then his thick rod
swelled and exploded in my hand, sending stream after stream of his thick
white juice squirting all over his face, his chest and his abs. Hed stopped
wanking me when his orgasm began but picked up again as it subsided. I
wrapped my hand around his and we pulled together. In no time, I climaxed,
sending my little men to join Joeys in sticky white pools on his body.
I collapsed to one side and lay next to him, running the tip of my index
finger through the milky puddles on his body. Now and then I licked my
finger. When he saw me do that he grabbed my hand and insisted on licking
it as well. After a while I got up, went into the bathroom and came back with
a towel to clean him up. We cuddled together until we both fell asleep.
Saturday Becky came to the house for lunch. She stopped at the
Millburn Deli and picked up some of their incredible sloppy joe sandwiches
and I heated up the last of J oeys soup. At first Connor seemed a bit
suspicious of a sandwich that contained cole slaw, but after hed nibbled his
a bit he decided it was all right. Becky watched as I helped Connor with his
soup.
I still cant get over how good you are with him, Ben. In all the years
Ive known you I never thought youd ever want to be around a kid.
Me neither. Kids were always like an alien species to me, interesting to
look at from a distance, but nothing I ever wanted to have contact with.
Connors a little thief, though. Hes stolen my heart.
I wish I could get along with Glenns daughter even a fraction as well
as you and Connor make out. Shes never accepted her parents divorce and
now she blames me for keeping them apart.
Hey, I remember when I was ten and my parents divorced. I blamed
everybody because deep down I believed it was all my fault. Kids are very
self-centered that way. They think its all about them. Especially at that
age.
I keep telling myself that and Glenn says not to let her get to me, but
its hard.
Everybody brings a lot of baggage into a relationship. Weve all got a
past that our new partners have to deal with.
But you and I are pretty easy, Ben. Your past is Paul and hes not really
a part of your life. Ive got exes but none were serious, so Ive left them
behind.
It doesnt have to be an ex, Beck. In J oeys case, he has the memory of
J enny, but hes dealing with that just fine. And Connor isnt a problem at all.
Its the rest of his family. Ive been spoiled by having a very small, very
accepting family. J oeys situation is so different. I know it s hard for him
and I try to be supportive, but sometimes I really dont want to have to deal
with it. I just wish it would all go away. Does that make me a bad person?
No, Ben, it makes you human. I know its gotta be tough and there are
times when you dont want to be a part of all thats going on, but I also know
that youll stick it out. Youre not the wimp that you think you are. Youre
tough and youre loyal. Youve always been there for me and I know youll
always be there for J oey, no matter how rough the going gets.
I know I will, but sometimes I just feel so weak and helpless, like Im
gonna fail him. And I cant tell him, either. He needs me to be strong.
Hes pretty strong himself, Ben. Dont think that you have to be
perfect. Even though hes going through all of this shit with his family you
can still lean on him now and then. Not only can he handle it, I think hed
probably be happy to be able to help you for a change.
Maybe youre right. This strong tough guy persona doesnt suit me
that well. I need to fall apart now and then to feel like myself.
Now thats the big sissy I know and love.
*****
Joey
I decided to give Ben a break and go to church alone Sunday morning.
Most of the time I was okay alone, so I thought it would be best not to use
up
Bens tolerance for Mass when I didnt absolutely need him. When he
greeted me as I was leaving the church, Father Vittorio looked surprised to
see me alone but didnt comment on it. His eyes fixated on my fading black
eye but he didnt say anything about that either. I was halfway to the parking
lot when Rita came up behind me.
I really need to talk to you, J oey. Do you have time for a cup of
coffee?
Sure, you want to come over to the house for a while?
Rita looked nervous and uncertain. No, how about the diner? I need to
talk to you alone and I dont have much time. Vinnie will wonder whats
keeping me.
Wed reached my car at that point. Okay, hop in, Ill drive. No point in
taking two cars a few blocks.
We rode to the diner in silence. She didnt say anything until we were
settled in a booth with cups of coffee in front of us. Then she finally started,
hesitantly and quietly, like she didnt want anyone else to hear what we
were talking about. I wondered if maybe it wouldnt have been better if
wed stayed in the car.
I just dont know what to do about J ames. When he told us he was gay,
I was sure he was just confused. Neither of us wanted to believe it. But the
counselors at the hospital seem pretty convinced so I guess it must be true.
Im still holding out a little hope that hes wrong or hell change as he gets
older, but Im starting to accept that its reality at this point. Vinnies not
accepting anything, though.
Im sure. Did he tell you about what happened at the nursery? I ran
my fingers over the area around my eye, remembering the blow.
Yes, but that was before he believed that J ames really was gay and
thought you had just confused him. Hes even worse now, but youre not the
target. He spent half the day on the Internet yesterday, reading up on this
group that says it can change people and make them straight. Hes talking
about sending J ames away to be saved.
I dont know much about those groups, but from what Ive read even
they dont claim to be able to change someones orientation, only the way
they act on it. In other words, they teach people to live a lie.
Thats the way I look at it, too. I want J ames to be happy and Id prefer
he not be gay, but I dont want my son brainwashed. I told Vinnie I wouldnt
allow him to send J ames to those people.
I couldnt remember Rita ever standing up to Vinnie, but then again
theyd never been in a situation like this before. Rita might be a bit timid
and insecure, but she was a good mother and loved her kids above anything.
So what are you going to do? Have they said when J ames can come
home?
They say he can leave the hospital at any time, though they want him
to continue therapy. But Vinnie says he doesnt want him home as long as
hes gay.
He cant just throw him out. J ames is only fifteen. Vinnie is
responsible for him, legally and morally.
I know, but even I think it would be a bad idea for J ames to come home
as long as Vinnie feels the way he does. She looked down at the table and
fumbled with her coffee cup for several seconds. Do you think that maybe
he could stay with you for a while? J ust until Vinnie calms down, I mean.
J ust what I needed, more conflict with Vinnie. J ust what Ben needed,
more of my family underfoot.
Why me? My life is a mess right now. And I dont even have my own
place. Im living with Ben. What about my parents?
I thought about them but your mother is as unaccepting as Vinnie,
though not as harshly. J ohn is out of the question as well. Anthony or Donna
Marie would be good for J ames, but they dont have any room.
So youre stuck with me.
No, I didnt mean it like that. Youre a good man, J oey, and I know
you love J ames. And he loves you as well. I know youd take good care of
him. I dont know Ben at all and Ill admit Im a little nervous about J ames
staying with a stranger, but if you say hes okay thats good enough for me.
Ben is more than okay, but that doesnt mean this is going to work out,
Rita. Its his house. I dont know how I can ask him to let J ames stay with
us. This family has already disrupted his life so much. Hes been good about
it so far, but how much can I ask of him?
I know its a lot to ask someone to take in a teenager who has problems
and isnt even related to him, but its only temporary, until I can get Vinnie
to see reason. And it wont cost you guys anything. Well pay all of James
expenses.
Right. Vinnie would be bad enough if J ames came to stay with us. I
cant see him giving money to Ben.
If you can talk Ben into helping us, Ill take care of Vinnie. Rita
hesitated again. You know, Vinnie really isnt all that bad. Everybody
thinks he bullies me and pushes me around, and maybe I do let him get away
with too much, but deep down hes got insecurities just like anyone else. His
bluster is just his way of covering that up. Overall hes a good husband and
father. I know he loves his family. Its just that this issue seems to push
some button for him and he cant control himself. But that doesnt make him
bad, just confused.
I know Vinnie is a pretty good guy, normally, and I love him. I wish I
knew why this has thrown him so much, but right now Im more concerned
with Connor, Ben and me. Ive got to take care of my own first. Ill talk to
Ben about J ames, but Im not promising anything. Its a lot to ask.
I realize that, J oey. I cant expect anything but I can hope.
In the short five-minute ride home I wondered how I was going to ask
Ben for yet more help. I wanted to help J ames and I knew that Bens nature
was to automatically try, but there was a limit as to how much I could ask.
It turned out that I didnt have to worry about bringing up the subject.
Id called Ben when Rita and I got to the diner to let him know I would be
later than usual, so he knew something was up. He asked me as soon as I got
home and I blurted it out apologetically.
Ben didnt say anything at first. He just sat on the couch for a minute. I
could usually tell what he was thinking, or at least make a good guess, but
his face didnt give anything away.
Do you really think its a good idea to get more involved with
Vinnie?
No, I wouldnt think that was a good idea at all. But I dont think hes
going to want to have anything to do with us whether J ames is here or not.
Any contact we have with their family would be through Rita, Im sure.
I dont even know the kid, J oey. I talked to him exactly once, that day
he dropped by your parents house when you were out, and he didnt like me
at all. What if he and I dont get along?
Like you said, you dont know each other yet. And he was confused
and thought you were taking advantage of me. It will be different when he
gets to know you. I could see the doubt on Bens face.
Wed lose a lot of privacy, you know. Fifteen years old is a lot
different from twenty months. We wouldnt be able to just put him in his
crib to nap when we wanted to be alone. And wed have to watch what we
said and did in front of him. Hed understand a lot more than Connor.
I know, Ben. It would be a huge imposition on both of us, but
especially you. But hes a good kid and he needs us. We could handle it, Im
sure.
Anthony doesnt have room? Hed probably be best for this kind of
thing. Hes already raised teenagers.
His kids are doubled up in their bedrooms as it is. And they turned
their guest room into a computer/study room for the kids several years ago.
The only place they have for J ames would be the couch in their living
room.
Ben got quiet again and thought for a while. I didnt push him, just let
him think about it. After a few minutes he got up and walked down the hall
to the bedrooms. I picked up Connor and followed, wondering what was
going through his head. Probably silently cursing the Napoli family. He
stopped in the doorway to Connors room. I stood a step behind him, unsure
of what to do or say. He turned and looked into the small bedroom next to
his office.
If we take the twin bed out of this room we can move Connors crib in
here. Then J ames can have the bigger room.
Are you sure, Ben?
No, Im not sure its a good idea, but what choice do we have? Throw
the kid out in the street? Hes been through enough.
So have you. You dont have to do this, you know. You should be able
to have a little peace in your life, especially in your house.
I agree. This house is our safe space. This is where we can escape all
the craziness going on around us. I hope it can be that for J ames, too. But if
the craziness of your family follows him here, then were going to have to
try something else. I want to help him, but Im not going to do anything that
will hurt you or Connor. Or me either, for that matter. Im no hero, Im just
me.
J ust you is plenty for me, but I know what you mean. I want this to be
a safe place for us all, too.
Ben wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a tight hug.
Now as long as all of those animal sounds you make when youre
pounding my butt dont drive the poor boys raging hormones wild, we
should all make out fine.

Chapter Twenty-Seven
Joey
I met Rita at the hospital at nine-thirty Monday morning. She had called
after visiting J ames Sunday afternoon to find out Bens reaction to her
request that J ames stay with us. Connor and I were waiting in the lobby
when she arrived.
Im so glad your friend was okay with J ames going home with you,
J oey. The doctor wanted to discharge him but I had no place for him to go.
Vinnie was adamant about sending him to an ex-gay camp before he came
home.
I wouldnt wish that on anyone, especially someone as sensitive as
J ames. I dont think Ben is crazy about the idea of having another person in
the house, but he knows the situation and wants to help.
We walked the long corridor to the back of the building and then took
the elevator to the fifth floor.
I didnt say anything to J ames about this yesterday because I wasnt
sure if Ben would go along with my idea.
I stopped short. You mean J ames doesnt know hes going to be living
with us?
No, he just knows hes leaving the hospital today. I didnt want to say
anything in case it fell through.
I dont like the idea of springing this on him at the last minute but I
guess we have no choice at this point.
J ames was in a therapy session so they told us we could wait in the
lounge. When J ames walked in he seemed surprised to see me but thrilled to
see Connor. He kissed his mother and sat down. Connor clambered up into
his lap and J ames hugged him to his chest. He didnt seem as withdrawn as
he had been the week before but he still looked scared. He knew he was
being discharged; his therapy session had been about getting him ready to
rejoin the outside world. Rita was nervous and ran through a fast
explanation of where he was going and why. As he realized what she was
saying a hurt look crossed his face.
I knew Dad was off the wall about his, but dont you want me either,
Mom? His lower lip quivered and I could tell he was fighting back tears.
Of course I want you, honey. Its just that I dont think it would be
good for you to be around your father while hes in this mood. You need
support, not antagonism.
But what about the rest of the family? Isnt there anyplace else I can
go?
Rita and I ran down the rest of the family, explaining why it wouldnt
work with any of them, due to space or attitude or both. After a while he
looked out the window and I wasnt sure he was listening. When wed
finished putting as good a spin on the situation as we could he turned back
toward us.
This really sucks.
J ames, I know you want to come home, and you will soon. I promise
you. Im working on your father. Hell soften up soon, youll see.
Right, like youve ever stood up to him in your life. He walks all over
you and you let him do whatever he wants. My guess is that house will
never be my home again. He gave her a look of contempt. Now Rita was
the one who looked like she was going to cry.
J ames, dont talk to your mother that way. Shes trying to do whats
best for you. We all are.
Yeah, whatever. He got up and walked over to the window. Rita and I
stared at his back for a few minutes. When it looked like he wasnt coming
back I went over to him, placing my hand on his shoulder. I felt him tense up
when I touched him.
I agree that this whole situation sucks, J ames. I wish you didnt have to
go through any of this. But we cant always control everything that happens
around us, especially other peoples reactions to things. Lets just try to
make the best of the way things are. Ben and I both want to help you.
He turned and looked me in the eye. I dont want to live with that fag.
I was taken aback and didnt know what to say at first. I mean, he knew
I was gay and hed come out himself, but here he was sounding like his
father talking about Ben. I understood that he was probably still trying to
deal with being gay and I didnt want to get into that. But I had to get him to
see that staying with us was his only option and wouldnt be so terrible.
I realize that you dont know anything about Ben, J ames. Hes a great
guy, youll see. Youre both stuck in an odd sort of situation right now but
Im sure youll end up being great friends when you get to know one
another.
I doubt it, but what choice do I have? I cant stay here and I cant go
anywhere else, so, like you said, Ill just have to make the best of it. He
lowered his voice so that his mother couldnt hear him. Hed better keep
his hands off me, though.
You dont have anything to worry about there, J ames. Hes not
interested in you in that way at all.
He looked doubtful. Yeah, right. Hes queer, isnt he?
Im not going to argue the point with you. Youre being ridiculous.
Youll get along better with him if you dont start off with an attitude like
that. And the word is gay, not queer.
J ames rode with his mother to their house in Madison where he packed
up what clothes and school supplies he thought hed need for the indefinite
future. He was only going to be a mile or two away so he didnt have to
worry about taking everything, which was good because he was obvious not
into it as he gathered up his belongings. As I watched him my mind
wandered back a month to the afternoon when I packed up and moved to
Bens house. Was that only a month? It seemed like a year had passed since
then. Of course, my move to Bens was a lot different. It was my choice and
I was going to someone I loved. J ames had been forced into this move and
he was going into the unknown.
J ames and I put his stuff into the car while Rita held Connor and
watched in silence. When we were ready to leave she transferred Connor to
me and she gave J ames an awkward hug goodbye. Neither one of them was
happy with the situation and they were each probably blaming the other a
bit. Rita wished J ames wasnt gay and J ames wished his mother was better
able to stand up to his father. Actually, I thought Rita was showing more
backbone in this than I could ever remember, and somewhere deep down
J ames probably saw that too, but he was a kid and he was hurting and it just
wasnt enough.
We rode to Florham Park in silence. J ames was off in his own world and
I was trying to think of something I could say to make him feel better. I
didnt come up with anything. We got to the house and I helped J ames carry
his stuff in. We dumped it all on the bed and I gave him a brief tour of the
place. Then I left him to unpack by himself while I made lunch for the three
of us. We sat at the counter and ate our sandwiches in silence. I kept trying
to come up with something to say to make him feel at ease about the
situation. I gave it a shot when we finished eating.
This isnt going to be so bad, J ames. Youve got to look on it as an
adventure, sort of like a vacation without going away. Most kids your age
would love to spend some time away from their parents. Ben is a nice guy
and easy to get along with. And hes not after your body, believe it or not.
Aside from the fact that hes in love with me, and that means hes not into
anyone else, hes generally attracted to older guys. So you can relax about
that.
If you say so. But if he touches me hes gonna get a knee in his balls.
I decided that was as far as we were going to get on that subject so I
moved on to more practical matters.
I can give you a ride to school every day, and pick you up afterwards
when Im not working.
He shrugged. You dont have to do that. Its only a mile or so. I can
walk.
Its up to you, but its pretty cold in the morning.
He was quiet for a minute. Do I have to go back tomorrow? Im not
sure Im ready to face everyone.
Youve already missed over a week. Dont get too stressed about
going back. The note from the doctor doesnt say why you were out.
Yeah, like everyone doesnt already know I tried to off myself. Ive
got three cousins and a sister in the school. You think I have any secrets?
Im sure everybody knows Im a fag by now, too.
Dont talk about yourself that way. Youre gay. So am I. Theres
nothing wrong with that.
How can you say that? You know what everybody says about it.
Not everybody, not by a long shot. You know what a good person you
are, J ames. Being attracted to guys doesnt change that. Its how you treat
people that counts, not who youre attracted to or who you love.
Tell that to the kids at school. He looked glum and thought for a
minute. Speaking of school, Im gonna need access to a computer. Is there
one in the house or will I have to go to the library?
I was glad he was starting to think practically, not emotionally. Ben
has one in his office. Ill ask him if you can use it.
How about a TV in my room?
Theres one here in the family room and one in our room. I think thats
all Ben has. If youre here for a while maybe I can get the one from my old
room at my parents house.
What about my friends? Can I have people come to the house here?
Ill have to check with Ben on that, too. It is his house, you know. Hes
already going through lots of changes adjusting to having first Connor and
me and now you living here. I dont know if he wants a bunch of teenagers
hanging out here.
Well, its not like I have a lot of friends, and who knows if theyre
gonna want anything to do with me now anyway. Probably it would just be
Cookie. She and I hang together most of the time.
Im sure Ben wont have a problem with one friend but well have to
ask first.
I guess I dont get any say in anything in my life now. Its all up to you
or my mom or my dad. Even Ben, some fag I dont even know, has more to
say about how I live my life than I do.
I dont want to hear you call Ben that again, J ames. Were all gay here,
you know. I realize you must feel pretty helpless right now but things will
get better if you give it a chance. While it may feel like youre being pushed
around, keep in mind that were all trying to help you. We all love you and
want whats best for you. Were not perfect and we may not always be right,
but were trying. Work with us, J ames. We all want to get you through this.
*****
Ben
Adding just one more person to the household completely changed the
atmosphere at home. J ames was pretty withdrawn and kept to himself a lot,
but his depressed attitude lay heavily over the house. He didnt talk to me at
all, communicating to me only through J oey. He spent most of his time in
his room. The only time he seemed at all happy was when he played with
Connor.
Monday night I went to bowling alone. J oey stayed home with J ames
and Connor. At some point it would probably be convenient having a live-in
babysitter, but for a while J ames was too fragile to leave on his own with
Connor. I actually didnt see all that much of him the first few days. We all
had a quiet supper together each night and then I spent a couple of hours in
my office while J ames watched TV with Joey in the family room. When I
finished my work and joined them, J ames would excuse himself to go do his
homework in his room. It was pretty obvious he was avoiding being around
me, but given his negative attitude I didnt mind all that much.
I wasnt looking forward to the end of the week when J oey went to
work. Since I got home before him, that would be the first time J ames and I
were alone together in the house. Id shown him how to use my computer
and wed worked out a schedule where he had use of it after school and I
had the evenings. My tax files were all password protected so I didnt have
to worry about confidentiality issues. I assumed he would be working in my
office when I got home with Connor on Thursday but he was in the family
room with a slim black girl. She introduced herself as Cookie, the friend
J oey had told me about. She was a bit friendlier than he was, but she looked
me over pretty carefully. I decided to give them some space and spent the
rest of the afternoon until J oey got home in my office.
Id been a little concerned that having someone else in the house might
inhibit our lovemaking. Not that sex was the most important thing to J oey
and me, but it was something we both loved and we were pretty used to
being able to do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted, once Connor
had been put to bed. With J ames in the house we obviously had to restrict
our activities a bit, but once we were behind closed doors in our bedroom,
things were as hot as ever. Sure, we had to keep the volume down since
J ames was in the next room, but the passion was the same.
Thursday night while we were cuddling in bed, recovering from our
physical exertion, I voiced my frustration with J ames.
Do you think hes ever going to speak to me? I realize Im a stranger to
him, but hes never going to get to know me if we dont talk.
Give him time. Its hard for us to understand the way his mind works.
To us, were all gay so we think he shouldnt be having a problem with you,
but I think hes got this thing in his head where youre one of those bad
homosexuals hes always heard about. He and I arent because he knows
who we are and we dont fit that stereotype.
And Im the stereotypical faggot?
You know what I mean. He can believe the myths and stereotypes
about someone he doesnt know. When he gets a better feel for who you are
that will go a long way to breaking down his misconceptions, not just about
you but maybe about gay people in general.
Lets hope that doesnt take too long. I really dont like feeling like an
outcast in my own home.
Dont let him make you feel that way. This is your home. Dont let him
set the atmosphere. Be yourself and hell have to deal with it. In no time Im
sure hell see what a wonderful person you are.
I dont need him to think Im wonderful. I just hate that he thinks Im
evil. But as long as you think Im wonderful, thats all that really matters to
me.
Then youve got nothing to worry about.
Friday afternoon I picked up Connor at day care and headed home,
wondering if J ames was going to have Cookie at the house to protect him
again. As I started to turn in the driveway I saw someone sitting on the
bench next to the front door. When I got closer to the house I was shocked to
see that it was Paul. I pulled into the garage but left the door open. By the
time I had Connor out of his seat Paul had walked around and joined us.
What are you doing here? Youre about the last person I expected to
find waiting on my doorstep.
I can imagine. My new accountant asked me for copies of my old tax
returns and I realized that you had all of my files. I thought Id drop by and
get them.
You could have called and I would have mailed them to you or
dropped them off at your office.
Well, I was in the neighborhood. I raised my eyebrows indicating I
didnt believe that. As far as I knew Paul didnt know anyone in Florham
Park.
Well, anyway, Im here. Whos the cute kid in there youve got
guarding the house? I tried to explain who I was but he kept the chain on the
door and said he couldnt let me in because he didnt know me.
Good for him. Im glad hes not letting strangers in. Hes J oeys
nephew. Hes staying with us for a while.
Us? You mean J oey has moved in?
Yeah, a while back.
Im happy for you. Things must be going well for you two. And whos
this little one?
He looked down at Connor who was being shy, standing behind me
hugging my right leg, peering around and up at Paul. I reached down and
picked him up.
This is Connor, J oeys son. He completes our household.
Son? You really did find yourself a straight boy. Man, I never
imagined you with a kid. You were never very good around my nieces.
Well, we rarely saw them. Besides, theyre both spoiled brats.
I cant argue with that. How about we go inside where its warm?
Oh, sure.
I was in a bit of a daze. This visit was totally unexpected and he was
acting like the old Paul, the one I had lived with for all those years, not the
new nasty one. Maybe it was because Chad wasnt with him. We went into
the house and J ames was lying on the couch watching TV. I introduced the
two of them and J ames grunted acknowledgement and practically ran off to
his room. I hung our coats up, put Connor in the playpen and had Paul take a
seat while I went to the office to get his file. I expected him to leave once he
had his records but he seemed in no hurry.
You and J oey left the Valentines party early.
Yeah, we were both tired. It had been a long day.
You missed all of the excitement but I suppose you heard all about it.
I knew what our excitement had been after the party but I had no idea
what he was talking about.
Actually, I havent talked to Rob or J im since then. Things have been
pretty hectic here.
Then you dont know. Chad and I have broken up.
Youre kidding. The two of you seemed so, uh, together. I didnt
know what to say. Its not like Id been rooting for them to stay together or I
didnt realize there were underlying problems, given what I knew about
Chad. But Id long ago reached the point where I didnt care at all what
happened with them.
I lost track of Chad at some point late in the party. When I went to look
for him I found him having sex with a couple of guys in one of the
bedrooms. I went ballistic. That was it for me, it was over. You know I cant
tolerate cheating.
I had to bite my tongue on that. He wasnt anywhere near so intolerant
when he was the one doing the cheating but this wasnt the time to point that
out.
I suppose I always knew on some level he was like that but I didnt
want to know. I always felt a bit insecure in the relationship but I wanted
him so badly. He was so hot he drove me crazy.
Im sorry if he hurt you but you really cant expect much sympathy
from me.
I know, Ben. I treated you horribly. Id plead temporary insanity but
theres no excuse for what I did to you. He paused for a minute. You
know, in spite of how I treated you, you were the only one who cared
enough about me to be honest with me, to warn me about what was going
on. I know I didnt react well to that at the time, but I can appreciate now
how hard that was for you. From what some of my friends have said since
the breakup, they all knew what Chad was up to, but none of them had the
balls to say anything to me. Youre a good man, Ben, and a good friend.
I wasnt trying to interfere with your life and I really didnt want to get
involved but I was concerned about your safety.
Well, you dont have to worry about that. I was always safe with Chad.
Like I said, deep down I think I knew what kind of guy Chad is. He got up
from the couch. Well, Id better get going before Joey gets home. He
probably wouldnt be happy to see me here.
Hes closing up at work today so he wont be home for a while, but
that doesnt matter. I dont think hed mind. He knows he has nothing to be
jealous about.
Things are good with you guys then?
More than good. Life isnt perfect but were very good together and
we just keep getting better.
Im glad. You deserve to be happy.
So do you, Paul. Maybe if you follow your heart instead of your dick
next time, youll find that happiness. I didnt mean to sound bitchy but the
thought just popped out. Fortunately, he took it as lightly as I meant it.
Tell me about it. I think Ive learned my lesson from my little mid-life
crisis. Time for me to grow up.
I walked Paul to the door and he gave me a big hug before he left. I
turned and J ames was standing in the kitchen doorway frowning.
Did Uncle J oey know he was coming over here?
No, J ames. I didnt even know. Paul surprised me.
Hes your old boyfriend, isnt he? Uncle J oey told me about him.
Yes, hes my ex.
So are you gonna tell Uncle J oey he was here? Cause if you want to
keep it a secret dont think Im gonna go along with that.
Of course Im going to tell J oey. He and I dont keep secrets from each
other and theres no reason I shouldnt tell him. What used to be between
Paul and me is long since over. I wouldnt even say were friends now, just
two people who once had a relationship. Thats all in the past now.
J ames looked dubious. He shrugged and went back to his room.
I made a point of telling Joey about Pauls visit in great detail over
supper while J ames was listening so hed know I wasnt trying to hide
anything. Not that it got me anywhere with him, but at least he seemed
satisfied that I was being honest. Or maybe he thought hed forced me to tell
the truth.
Saturday morning Joey went to work. I decided to get some work done
in my office while J ames and Connor watched cartoons on TV in the family
room. I got wrapped up in the numbers and wasnt sure how long Id been at
it when I suddenly realized J ames was standing in the doorway.
Something I can do for you, J ames?
Um, uh, I need a favor. He seemed really uncomfortable, shifting his
weight from one foot to the other.
Sure, if I can. Whats up?
Well, I left a couple of books at home and I just called my mom to see
if she could bring them over. Shes in the middle of baking something so she
cant leave, but she said my dad went out to get a haircut so if I can get over
there soon he wont be home. Id walk but there isnt time. Would you be
able to give me a ride?
My heart went out to the poor kid, having to arrange his life to avoid
running into his own father. But I was also a little thrilled that the
circumstance had forced him to finally speak to me, to ask me to help him.
Maybe the ice was finally being broken.
Sure, why dont you get Connor ready while I finish up here. Ill only
be a minute.
We rode over to the house in silence and I waited in the car while J ames
went into the house. I turned around in my seat and tried to entertain Connor
while I waited. After a few minutes a sharp rap on the window behind me
made me spin around. Vinnie was standing next to the car glaring at me. I
carefully got out of the car, keeping my distance from him.
What the fuck are you doing here, faggot? Isnt it enough that youve
got my kid? Do I have to put up with you on my property?
I just brought J ames over to get some things for school. Well be out of
your way in a few minutes.
Youd better be stayin away from J ames. Ill kill you if I find out
youre doin anything to him.
Something inside me snapped. Id been listening to his crap since I first
met him and been putting up with his antagonism. I could see how his
nastiness had affected J ames and Id had enough.
You know, Vinnie, Ive put up with enough of your shit. Youre
belligerent and youre ignorant. You attack people and intimidate everyone
around you. Youre nothing but a dumb bully. You hit me, you hit your
brother. Is that your answer to everything? You gonna hit J ames next?
Youd better not. If you mess with anybody in my family, and that includes
J oey and J ames, Im gonna come after you.
Is that supposed to scare me? Youre a fuckin little wimp. I could beat
you with one hand tied behind my back.
Im sure you could easily take me in a fair fight. But remember this,
Vinnie. I dont fight fair. If Im defending myself or someone I love, I dont
give a shit about fair. You dont want to mess with me because Im a nasty
bitch when Im pissed off and youre starting to really piss me off. Id been
staring into Vinnies eyes but I noticed a movement off to my right. J ames
was standing there looking scared, holding some books. Cmon J ames,
lets get out of here.
I got in the car as fast as possible while trying not to look like I was
running away. My heart was pounding as I pulled out.
My dad is gonna kill you, you know. He doesnt let anyone talk to him
like that.
Hes not going to do anything. Hes a bully who relies on intimidation.
Ive run into a few of them in my life. He may lash out in anger now and
then, but when he has time to think about it he knows he doesnt really want
to fight. That was my theory anyway and I hoped it was true.
When we got to the house, Connor followed J ames as he took his books
into his room. I went back to my work in the office. J ames appeared in the
doorway after a moment.
Thanks, Ben. He still seemed shy but not surly or distant the way he
had all week.
No problem. Any time you need a lift, just let me know. Ill try to help
you whenever I can.
I appreciate the ride, but I meant thanks for standing up to my dad.
Hed probably be a better guy if more people did that.
Well, that took a little more strength than I knew I had, but now and
then I surprise myself.
He looked down at the floor and hesitated. Did you mean what you
said about me?
Im not sure what youre referring to.
You said Uncle J oey and I were your family. Did you mean that?
Sure. Im in love with J oey so he and Connor are my family. Youre
his nephew and he loves you and youre living here, so youre my family
too. I know those are just words and we dont really know each other, but I
wish youd give me a chance. Im taking J oeys word for what a great guy
you are. Cant you take his word about me?
He thought for a few seconds and slowly began to nod his head.
Yeah, Ill try. Thanks again. He turned, grabbed Connor and headed
toward the family room.

Chapter Twenty-Eight
Joey
J ames second week with us was a lot more relaxed than the first. He
was settling in, getting more comfortable being with us, and was actually
beginning to talk to Ben. He didnt talk much, but then, hed always been
shy. At least he didnt seem afraid of Ben or distrust him the way he had in
the beginning. I think Bens confrontation with Vinnie was the reason for
that. I knew that J ames was more than a little intimidated by his father and
having Ben get in between them and defend James must have made him feel
better.
I knew I was pretty proud of Ben for standing up to Vinnie. A little
concerned, too. While Ben was pretty much on the money in his assessment
of Vinnies personality, that is, he wouldnt deliberately set out to fight
someone, he did have a quick temper and might have attacked Ben in a burst
of anger. Hed already proved that with his brief attacks on both of us. But
Ben had handled him just right, standing up to him, and then making a quick
getaway before Vinnie could respond. I knew the way Vinnies mind
worked and I was pretty sure that, in spite of everything else he felt about
Ben, he probably now had a grudging respect for him.
After several tense conversations with Ben about money and shared
responsibilities we had finally settled on an arrangement that we both
thought was fair. Ben continued to pay the household bills, the mortgage
and utilities, and I took care of the groceries. Since I did most of the cooking
and Ben had never been into the kitchen and shopping, that worked out fine.
And now with a teenager in the house the food bill was right up there with
the big bills so I felt I was contributing a fair share. Although Rita had
promised that she and Vinnie would be providing money for J ames keep,
we hadnt seen any yet and I wasnt holding my breath.
After taking J ames to school on Wednesday, Connor and I went to
Trader J oes to do some shopping. They didnt have everything I needed
there but what they did have was good and their specials were fantastic. I
usually did about half my shopping there and then finished up at Kings.
Connor and I were taking our time and the cart was about half full as I
turned a corner and saw Angie. She came over and kissed us both on the
cheek.
Hey Ange, not working today?
I dont have to be at the salon until one. Your mother is my first
appointment today. She rolled her eyes. Shes always such a joy.
So she decided to swallow her pride and go back to the salon?
Yeah, she only skipped that one week. I guess she decided that facing
the women whod heard Barbaras story about you and Ben wasnt as bad as
being seen all over town with bad hair.
Shes had that same hairstyle all my life and God knows how many
years before I was born. Shes pretty attached to it.
Lately, I think shes going to the salon as much to make sure everyone
knows how much she disapproves of your lifestyle as to get her hair done. I
wish I had your fathers knack for tuning her out.
Is she still on your case about me?
No, shes given up on me. Its all about you. The first few weeks she
was just on and on about how wrong you were and how sooner or later
youd wake up and realize she was right. But she really went off last week
when your nephew moved in with you guys.
Yeah, Pop told me she thought J ames should have gone to stay with
them if he couldnt be with his parents. But her attitude isnt very different
from Vinnies, just without the cursing, so I dont think J ames would have
done well there.
Well, she made it clear to everyone what a mistake she thought it was.
She says that J ames is just confused and that living with you and Ben is
going to be a bad influence on his impressionable young mind. And then she
had a bit to say about having a mentally unbalanced teen in the same house
as a baby. There seems to be no end to her criticism of you. She looked
around the store. Im thinking about getting some cotton to put in my ears
today.
I feel bad for Pop having to listen to her all the time. He doesnt say
much to me about it but I know she must drive him crazy. Enough about her,
though. How are things going with Ethan this time around?
So far, so good. I think a big part of the problem before was that I
didnt like living on Long Island. All of my friends and relatives were here.
And Ethans main reason for being there is his family, so that was a
problem. Except now his parents are retiring and moving to Florida, so hes
thinking about moving to J ersey. Since he works in the city he can commute
from here just as easily.
So youre going to look for a place together? Do I hear wedding
bells?
Yes and no, at least not right now. We want to live together again and I
think were heading for marriage but we want to take our time and make
sure.
What about your parents?
I think you were their last hope for an Italian boy. Ethan came out for a
weekend recently and met them and they all seemed to get along. I think if
Im happy theyll be okay with him.
Well, I wish you the best of luck. And next time Ethans here give us a
call. Id like to meet him.
Ill do that J oey. We could double-date.
I chuckled. Yeah, wed finally be out on a real date together, only not
with each other.
As I finished my shopping, I thought about what Angie had said about
Mom. The more I thought, the angrier I got. Id been hoping that as time
passed shed calm down and be more reasonable. But she was obviously
going in the opposite direction. I decided it was time for us to have another
talk.
I picked up J ames after school and took him to his parents house.
Vinnie would be at the nursery until at least five so J ames could spend a
little time with his mother, brother and sisters. I decided to leave Connor
there with them as well. I knew Mom would love to see him and hed love to
see her, but I was afraid the discussion would get loud and angry and I
didnt want him exposed to that.
Instead of letting myself in the back door as I had my whole life, I
parked on the street, walked up the steps to the front porch and rang the
doorbell. Since I was an uninvited guest I thought Id at least start off right.
Mom was surprised to see me and looked a bit concerned.
What are you doing here? Is Connor all right?
Connor is fine, Ma. And before you ask, so is J ames. Hes doing really
well. Mom frowned. And though Im sure you wouldnt ask, Ben and I
are fine, too. The frown turned into a scowl.
So what brings you here? Now that her concerns had been allayed,
she sounded annoyed to have to deal with me.
I thought that maybe now that some time has passed, we could talk.
She hesitated and then turned and headed back into the house. Come in
and close the door. All of the heat is getting out.
I followed her down the hall past the stairs to the kitchen. We sat across
from each other at the table.
Unless youre ready to admit that youve made a mistake, I dont see
what there is to say.
You know thats not what Im here to say, Mom. And Im not
expecting you to say that either, at least not yet. But word has gotten back to
me that youre still very upset with me, and I wanted to talk to you about
that.
Of course Im upset. Youre living a sinful life and youve taken my
grandson away from me. And now youve got another grandson youre
influencing.
I know Im not going to convince you of this right now, but being in
love with a good person and having a solid relationship with that person is
not a sin. As far as Connor goes, I feel bad keeping the two of you apart, but
as long as were not getting along I dont want him exposed to your
antagonism. And with J ames, Im just providing him with love and support
while he tries to get his head together and work things out with his parents. I
would hope that if anyone has any influence on him it would be his
therapist.
Since we still disagree on everything whats the point of you coming
here?
I have a couple of things to say to you. One, if you have a problem with
me, and obviously you do, talk to me about it. Dont be badmouthing me all
over town. As youre so fond of saying, theres no need to share our
business with the whole town.
Well, I just want everyone to know that this choice youve made
doesnt sit well with me.
Were not politicians stumping for votes here, Ma. This is a family
matter and it doesnt matter what other people think. Now I may be asking
you to stop talking about me, but Im telling you to leave J ames out of it.
Hes just a kid and hes going through a horrible time and the last thing he
needs is his grandmother blabbing his business all over the place.
You know thats not what I mean to do.
Look, I know you love us and you think youre doing whats in our
best interests, but J ames has to go to school here. Not all of his classmates
know the details of his life, or at least they didnt before you started talking.
Do him a favor and keep his private life private, okay?
I didnt mean to be spreading news about J ames. I just assumed
everyone already knew everything. But Ill keep quiet from now on if it will
help him. Dont think that means I like whats going on, though.
I know you dont, Ma. And if you feel the need to tell me about it,
come over to the nursery or pick up the phone. But lets leave the rest of
Madison out of it, okay?
*****
Ben
It was an odd feeling to come home from work to an empty house.
Lately it felt like we had a full house all of the time. My first impulse was to
take advantage of having the place to myself by stripping down and dancing
naked from room to room, but the grown-up in me won out. After changing
I went into my office to work on tax returns. Yeah, boring, but Id rather get
stuff like that done when no one was around and then I could enjoy my little
family when they got home.
Since I got my work done early J ames decided to use the office to do his
homework after supper. J oey and I played with Connor for a while but
mostly just cuddled on the couch. He told me about bumping into Angie and
his subsequent visit to his mother.
J ames knew I was going to see Mom but I didnt tell him it was
partially about him. Hes got enough on his mind.
Do you think your talk with her will do any good?
I hope so, at least as far as hes concerned. Shes been taking all of this
so personally, like we were doing all of it just to ruin her life, that I dont
think she even realized what effect her talking would have on others.
So it doesnt sound like shes adjusting at all.
No, I just dont know how to get through to her.
J ust give her time, babe. You said shes stubborn so maybe thats what
she needs, time.
Maybe Ill talk to Pop at work tomorrow. Hes already stuck in the
middle and I hate to put any more on him, but if anyone has any influence on
her, he does.
J oey was quiet for several minutes and I pulled him into my arms
holding him close.
Why does this all have to be so hard? He sounded like he was about to
cry. Im a good person so why cant my mother see that? Why cant she
just love me?
Hed been holding up well but the stress had to be taking a toll on him. I
held him tighter and kissed him on the cheek. She does love you, Joey. You
know that. But shes been fed all this garbage her whole life and she cant
find her way through it. Eventually her love for you will win out. Love
always does.
Youre a hopeless idealist, Ben.
And whats wrong with that? Ill admit that optimists get disappointed
more often than pessimists, but the key here is the hopeless part. As long as
you dont let it get to you and dont give up, my philosophy works.
Well, I may need a little help holding onto that optimism now and
then.
Thats what Im here for. J ust lean on me whenever you need to. God
knows I depend on you all the time.
I lay back against the arm of the couch and J oey leaned back into me
and sighed. A few seconds later I heard the low sound of a throat clearing
and looked up. J ames was standing in the kitchen, looking over the counter.
Sorry guys, I didnt mean to interrupt anything. I finished my
homework and wanted to say goodnight.
J oey craned his neck around to look up at him. Isnt it a little early for
bed?
Yeah, but since you brought your old TV back from Grandmas today
I thought Id hook it up and watch in my room for a while. Then I wont
disturb you guys.
Okay, good night then. But I dont want you hiding in your room all
the time now that youve got the TV. Youre part of a family out here, you
know.
J ames looked at J oey and me and smiled. Yeah, Im beginning to
believe that. Gnight Uncle J oey, gnight Ben.
He turned and went down the hall. I gave J oey a squeeze.
You see, things are getting better... As long as he doesnt start calling
me Uncle Ben.
*****
Joey
On my way to work on Thursday I couldnt make up my mind whether
or not to talk to Pop about Mom. I finally decided that there was a good
chance she had talked to him about my visit, so maybe hed bring up the
subject himself. I decided to wait and see.
When I walked into the office he was sitting at Margarets desk going
through a pile of papers. My first thought was that Margaret would be really
annoyed when she came in and saw the mess.
Hey, Pop, wheres Margaret?
Her sister had a stroke over the weekend. Margaret flew down to
Florida to be with her.
Damn, shes not doing well at all. She was in the hospital in J anuary
when you and Mom were in Italy.
Yes, and it looks like she may have some permanent damage now from
the stroke. Margaret said she may be away for a while, so Im trying to
tackle the paperwork. Its a nightmare. Ive been at it all week and I cant
make heads nor tails out of it.
I thought you pretty much knew everything about it. You used to do
the books yourself when I was a kid.
Things were much simpler then and there were no computers. I dont
even know where to start with all of this now. Usually when Margaret was
away I just tried to keep everything organized for when she returned, but it
doesnt look like she ever really got caught up from the last time she was
out. I knew she been preoccupied with her sister but this is a mess.
How about Phil? Phil Russo had been Pops accountant for as long as
I could remember. Cant he help out?
I called him Monday morning. Its getting close to the peak of tax
season and he said hes already working practically round the clock. I tried a
temp agency and they said the same thing. All of their bookkeepers and
accountants are busy. I just dont know what were going to do.
Maybe between us we can figure it out, Pop. You know a little about
the books and I know a little about the computer. Lets see what we can do.
Pop and I worked all morning trying to make sense out of what was on
Margarets desk. We tried to separate the paperwork into piles that made
sense to us, knowing that what was logical to us wasnt necessarily the way
it was supposed to be. It was nearly lunchtime when I opened the accounting
program on the computer and tried to figure out what entries went into what
fields. In no time at all we were both lost and I was totally frustrated.
Why dont computer programs put anything in English? I mean, the
words they use are all English, but the way theyre using them doesnt
communicate anything to me at all. They might as well be in another
language.
Thats our problem, J oey. We dont understand the accounting terms
and we dont understand how the programmers are using them. Why dont
we take a break for lunch and try again when our brains have had a chance
to cool off?
Pop went out to the shop to see what Anthony and John wanted for
lunch and then I called the order in to the deli down the street. I tried to catch
up on some of my work while we waited for the delivery. Pop made a few
phone calls from his desk. We both avoided looking at the piles of papers on
Margarets desk. When wed finished our sandwiches we both stalled to
avoid going back to the problem. I was considering talking to Pop about
Mom when he interrupted my thought.
I was thinking, J oey, isnt this the kind of work Ben does, accounting
for small businesses? Do you think maybe he could help us with this?
Id thought of Ben several times as we struggled through the morning.
This probably was exactly what he did at work, but I wouldnt even consider
asking him to help us out. This was a Napoli family problem and there was
no way we could ask him for a favor.
You cant be serious, Pop. After the way several members of this
family have treated Ben, you want me to ask him for help?
I know we have no right to ask, but I dont know what else we can do.
Im not suggesting that he do the work for us, but maybe he can show us
what to do.
Youre damn straight we have no right to ask. Besides, he already
works full time and he spends an hour or two every night working on tax
returns for his friends, people who are nice to him and appreciate him. All
this family has ever done is attack him and treat him like dirt. Hes turned
his life upside down taking Connor, J ames and me in. I wont ask him for
anything else.
I agree with you one hundred percent, but we need help. Cant you ask
him to consider it? Ill pay him whatever he wants. Im not asking for
charity.
I dont think money is what concerns Ben, but I wont do it. If you
want him youll have to ask him yourself. On second thought, please dont
ask him. Hes too kind to say no and I dont want him put in a position like
that. He really doesnt have the time and he doesnt owe us anything.
Pop dropped the matter and we went back to work. Over the course of
the afternoon we made a little headway, figuring out how to record some
figures, but we were still lost as to how to deal with others. I suggested that
maybe the next time Margaret called we could get her to give us a quick
lesson over the phone. If we made up a list of questions we had maybe that
would help. In the meantime, wed try to keep up with what we had figured
out and keep the rest organized. That would have to be enough for now.
*****
Ben
J oey was in a pretty cranky mood when he got home from work
Thursday. That was very rare for him. Lately hed been down quite a bit as a
result of his family problems, but it wasnt often he was in an out-and-out
bad mood. J ames was at his therapy session so I left J oey alone to make
dinner while I did some tax work. His mood had improved a bit by the time
we ate, though he seemed a bit distracted. I wondered if hed had another
run-in with one of his brothers but I didnt ask. Hed tell me when he was
ready.
We were cleaning up from the meal and I noticed J ames was acting a
little strange. He usually helped a bit and then went off on his own either to
the family room or his bedroom. Instead, he was hanging around the
kitchen, acting a little antsy.
Something on your mind, J ames?
Um, yeah, Ben. I was, uh, wondering if maybe you could help me with
my algebra homework. Math isnt my best subject and I know thats kinda
what you do so I thought that maybe you could help me.
I knew how hard it had been for him to ask me for help. It was another
step toward building some kind of relationship with him and I was pleased.
Sure, Id like that. Algebra and accounting arent exactly the same
thing, but its all about numbers and Im pretty good with them. You want to
work on it now?
Yeah, that would be good, that is, if you dont have anything else
planned.
I didnt and J oey urged us to go ahead. He didnt want us to miss an
opportunity to bond. So J ames got out his books and we sat at the dining
room table and went to work while J oey curled up with a book on the couch
in the family room. It was just a quiet evening at home with the family.
Friday afternoon J ames was playing with Connor and Lula while I was
once again doing some tax work. I was getting tired of it but I was nearly
done. All of my nagging my friends about getting their stuff to me early had
paid off. I had three or four tax returns left to do and only about half a dozen
guys hadnt given me anything yet, so I was in good shape. Excellent shape
considering what our home life had been like the past month or so.
Id barely gotten started when the doorbell rang. That was an unusual
occurrence. I had a friendly nodding acquaintance with my neighbors but
we rarely visited with one another. Whenever Becky came over she just let
herself in. I got up, went out to the living room and opened the front door. I
was shocked to see J oeys father standing there.
Mr. Napoli! This is a surprise. Is everything all right? Is J oey okay? I
had a momentary panic that something had happened to J oey.
He smiled, a bit nervously. J oeys fine, Ben. Hes at the nursery but I
wanted to talk to you about something.
Pop-pop!!! I turned at the sound of Connors shriek. He was charging
across the room toward us, his arms outstretched.
Mr. Napolis smiled broadened as he bent down and scooped up his
grandson. He kissed him on both cheeks and hugged him to his chest.
Howre you doin, boy? Youre bigger every time I see you. Heavier,
too.
Connor stretched his neck and looked over Mr. Napolis shoulder.
Gamma?
Sorry son, youre grandmother isnt with me today. Youll have to
settle for just Pop-pop.
I closed the door and led the way to the family room. J ames got up and
greeted us. Mr. Napoli hugged him and gave him a kiss on the mouth.
Hey, Pop-pop, hows it going?
As good as you can expect at my age. He looked into J ames eyes.
How are you, son? Feeling any better?
Yeah, Im feeling lots better. Uncle J oey and Ben are taking good care
of me.
Good, I just want everything to be okay for you.
After a few minutes of chatting about family matters J ames went to his
room to give his grandfather and me a chance to talk. Mr. Napoli sat on the
couch with Connor on his lap. He started acting nervous again.
So what can I do for you, sir? Is there something new happening in the
family that involves me somehow?
Didnt J oey tell you about our problem at work?
No, he hasnt said anything about a problem at the nursery, just a
casual comment about work now and then.
Mr. Napoli sighed. I was hoping he would have said something, but
then, he said he wasnt going to.
Mr. Napoli took a deep breath and launched into the situation with
Margaret and her sister and the resulting problem at the nursery. I
remembered J oey talking about when the bookkeeper had been out in
J anuary and the way the paperwork had piled up. Id given him some advice
on how to organize it then.
So I was wondering if maybe you could help us out, Ben. I know
youre very busy. J oey told me I shouldnt bother you, that you already had
too much work. This family has treated you pretty badly and you sure dont
owe us anything, but Id really appreciate any help you could give us. We
all would. Hed relaxed a bit while talking about Margaret but once he got
to asking me for help he was tense and unsure again. His eyes showed the
strain he was under, adding to the tension that had been there since J oey had
come out.
Give me a minute to think about it, sir. Would you like some coffee?
He nodded and I got up and went into the kitchen. Connor had started
squirming so I sent him down the hall to J ames room. I thought about the
situation while I set up the coffeemaker and got out a couple of mugs. He
was right that I didnt owe this family anything. In fact, they owed me for
taking J ames in, though I was sure some of them didnt see it that way. I
didnt either, now that I was getting to know James. But how much more did
I want to get involved with them, given their feelings about me? I had to
remind myself that the nursery was more than just J ohn and Vinnie.
Anthony and Sal had been pretty supportive. And of course there was J oey.
I wasnt sure if he would want me to get involved in this. Hed asked his
father not to bother me about it.
I took the coffee out to the family room and made a tentative decision.
If Margarets only been out a week you shouldnt be in very bad shape
yet. As J oey said, I dont have a lot of spare time so I cant do her job for
you, but maybe I can give you some pointers and get you organized.
Thats all Im asking. We can do the work if we just know what to do.
What software are you using?
Software?
Your computer program. Which one do you have?
He shook his head. Youll have to ask J oey. I dont have any idea
about those things.
Ill have to talk to J oey about all of this when he gets home. I dont
want to get involved with this unless hes okay with it. Assuming he doesnt
have a problem, how about us meeting at the nursery tomorrow afternoon?
J oey will be working anyway.
It would have to be after closing at three. J ohn is working tomorrow.
Mr. Napoli caught my look of exasperation. I know, its ridiculous. Youre
doing us all this huge favor and you still have to avoid some family
members. Believe me, Im going to make sure they all know how much we
owe you on this, Ben.
Ive reached the point where I dont really care what J ohn and Vinnie
think of me. I have my own negative opinion of them. But I do wish theyd
treat J oey and J ames better.
You and me both. By the way, Im going to pay you whatever you
normally make for this kind of work. If my accountant or a temp were doing
the job Id pay them. Youre doing a big enough favor to me just agreeing to
help.
I thought about all of the free work I was doing for my friends with their
taxes and wasnt sure I liked the idea of taking money from J oeys family. I
voiced my concerns to Mr. Napoli.
Youre a very generous man, Ben. J oey told me you didnt charge your
friends for what you do. Personally, I think you should. Youre performing
a very valuable service for them and Im sure they would be glad to pay you.
I own the nursery but all of my sons get a paycheck at the end of the week
for the work they do. If youre working for me youre going to be paid.
Okay, Mr. Napoli, Ill talk to J oey about it when he gets home. If its
okay with him well work out something for tomorrow afternoon.
We got up and I walked him to the door, stopping by J ames room so he
could say goodbye to his grandsons. When we got to the door I held out my
hand. He took it and pulled me into a hug.
Thank you, Ben. The more I get to know you, the more I like and
respect you. I shouldnt be surprised, J oeys always been a pretty good
judge of character. And lets drop the Mr. Napoli, shall we? My other
son-in-law calls me Pop. So should you.
I waited until we were fixing dinner to tell J oey about his fathers visit.
He was more than a little displeased.
I told him not to do that. Youre way too good-hearted. Youve given
so much to us we dont deserve anymore.
I really dont mind, babe. And its not like Im going to be doing lots of
work. Ill just show you and your father how to keep track of everything and
then its up to you to do the day-to-day stuff. Ill check up on you and make
sure everything is going all right but that shouldnt take more than a couple
of hours a week.
As long as youre sure about this. I dont want you doing it just
because of me.
Well, of course I wouldnt be doing it if it werent for you, but I dont
mind. I want to help and I can, so its not a problem.
Id saved the best part for last. I told him what his father had said on his
way out the door. His eyes glistened with emotion.
I know, babe. I got a lump in my throat that made it hard for me to say
goodbye to him. I guess this means Im really part of the family now.
Yeah, Ive always thought of you that way but Pops the head of the
family. I know hes been working on Mom and my brothers to be more
accepting about us but now Im sure hell really put some pressure on. Hes
accepted you into the family and thats no small thing. It looks like youre
stuck with us now.
Theres no place Id rather be stuck.
I took J oey into my arms and pushed him back against the counter,
pressing my body up against his. I kissed him lightly on the lips, then
pressed harder and opened my mouth a bit, running my tongue along his
lips. As they parted I slipped into his mouth, our tongues passionately
wrestling. I immediately began to get hard and I could feel J oeys
excitement pressing against me. J ames voice from the doorway interrupted
us.
Dont you guys ever get enough? Do I have to remind you that there
are impressionable kids in the house? We looked over and he was standing
there holding Connor on his hip, grinning at us. Im gonna have to start
sending you to your room if you cant behave.
Youre just going to have to put up with us. Who would fix your dinner
if Ben and I went to our room?
Our budding erections had gone down at the first sound of J ames voice
and the gentle teasing had dispelled the sexual atmosphere. J oey and I
separated and he reached out and grabbed J ames by the shoulder, drawing
him in to us. We had a brief group hug and as I pulled back I looked at my
three Napolis. This was my family and they were all I wanted.

Chapter Twenty-Nine
Joey
Saturday morning I quietly slipped out of bed and then showered and
got dressed for work before taking care of Connor. J ames was sleeping in,
as usual. What else would a teenager do on a Saturday morning? I let Lula
out and started breakfast before waking up Ben. He groaned and turned
over, trying to pretend I wasnt there.
Cmon, lazybones. Ive got breakfast nearly done. I want to talk before
I leave for work so youve got to wake up and get up.
He threw a pillow at me but tumbled out of bed and headed for the
bathroom. I went back into the kitchen and cooked the scrambled eggs. I
had everything on the counter and had just buttered the toast when Ben
came stumbling into the kitchen in his robe, rubbing his eyes, and looking as
if he were still half-asleep. At least hed remembered that J ames was in the
house so we couldnt walk around naked. I handed him a mug of coffee as
he sat down. He took a sip and then started eating his eggs in silence. After a
minute he seemed to wake up.
Okay, sorry about that. I just couldnt get my brain and mouth to work.
Lets start over. What time is it anyway, and why are we up?
Are you sure your brain is working? Its ten after eight, not exactly
early, Ben. Did I wear you out last night?
A smile grew on his lips as his brain began to function, remembering
our marathon lovemaking session the night before.
Not completely, but we can try again tonight if you want.
I dont know. We should probably skip a night now and then and let
poor J ames get some sleep. Were probably driving him crazy with the
noise we make.
Its just a little in-room entertainment for him, on the house. Im sure
he would have said something by now if it bothered him. Hes getting more
comfortable speaking up, to you at least.
I think hes warming up to you, too.
Speaking of J ames, are you sure you want me to leave Connor with
him this afternoon when I come over to the nursery?
Yeah, thats what I wanted to talk to you about. I couldnt say much in
front of him last night but I think it will be good for him to feel like hes
contributing something to the household. Hes watched Connor a number of
times before at his parents house and with two younger sisters and a brother
hes been around small children his whole life, so I dont want you to worry
about him.
I know, but at least one of his parents was always around back then.
And after all hes been through the past couple of weeks, are you sure hes,
uh, stable enough to take care of Connor?
Hell be fine, Ben. Hes been good ever since he came home from the
hospital. That episode with the pills was a panic attack brought on by all of
the stress and confusion of finding out about me and dealing with his own
sexuality, plus his fathers reaction. Hes in a stable, supportive situation
now. Besides, hes got our cell numbers and his mothers number and well
be less than five minutes away. Dont worry about him.
Its Connor Im worried about, but Ill have to trust your judgment. If I
were you I still wouldnt be leaving Connor alone with me. Im too paranoid
to be a parent.
No, youre not, Ben. You just arent used to this. Believe me, I dont
take any chances where Connor is concerned. If I had any doubt at all Id
have you bring him along with you this afternoon. Now stop pigging out on
the bacon. I made enough for J ames to have some when he gets up but
youve eaten almost all of it.
Ben cleaned up the breakfast dishes while I played with Connor a while.
At a quarter to nine I put on my coat and kissed my two men goodbye.
J ames was still sleeping.
Ill see you a little after three, Ben. And thanks again for helping out. I
love you.
Yeah, go on. Ill bet you say that to all of your accountants.
J ust the cute Irish ones.
I was the first to arrive at the nursery so I started the routine of opening
up. I was nearly done setting up when J ohn walked in. He helped me get the
place ready for the day, talking very little. Wed been doing this since I was
a kid so we didnt have to talk about it. Plus, he hadnt said much to me the
past month anyway. Once we were ready for customers, he sat down at the
counter and turned to me.
So how is J ames doing? Is he getting his life back together?
He seems to be pretty good. Hes seeing the therapist twice a week but
other than that hes just like hes always been, quiet and polite. Hes getting
settled in at the house and seems to be okay with being there for now.
I know youre trying to help, but I dont think its a good idea having
him stay with you two. He doesnt need any more pressure on him at this
time in his life.
Were not putting any pressure on him. Were just giving him a place
to live and trying to be supportive.
Maybe you dont think of it as pressure, but you guys are obviously
gonna influence him about being gay. Hes too young to know that for sure.
He should keep his options open and he cant do that if hes living with two
guys who are urging him to be gay.
Were not urging him to be anything and we couldnt make any
difference even if we did. Hes going to be whatever hes going to be. Were
just trying to help him be comfortable with himself, whatever.
Yeah, I doubt that whatever part. He shouldnt be committing himself
to anything at so young an age.
Oh, like if Vito had come to you a few years ago and said, Hey Dad,
Im pretty sure Im straight, your reaction wouldnt have been, Now wait a
minute son, dont jump to conclusions. Keep your options open.
You know thats not the same thing. Straight is normal. You dont
have to decide to be straight.
And you dont decide to be gay. You just are. At least were not
putting the kind of pressure on him Vinnie wanted to, sending him away to
be brainwashed.
Believe it or not, I agree with you there. A program like that sounds
like brainwashing to me, too. Our brother is a little off the wall on this whole
thing. I dont think you can force someone to be something theyre not.
So whats your problem with J ames staying with Ben and me then?
You just admitted we cant force him into anything.
Yeah, but if hes still got a choice then he shouldnt be pressured.
I told you its not a choice. I was getting a little exasperated with him
at that point.
Sure it is. Look at you. You were happy with J enny so that means you
can be straight if you want to be. You just choose not to be.
Weve been through this before, J ohn. I fell in love with J enny without
choosing to do so. The same thing with Ben. We can choose who wed like
to fall in love with, but actually falling in love is another matter. Love isnt
rational. It happens to us. Its not the result of a logical choice.
I still think you could have made more of an effort to be normal.
Normal? I dont even want to get started on that silly word. Everybody
has their own definition of it.
Well, there are some things that most people agree on.
I have to live my life the way it works for me, J ohn. I dont care what
other people say.
Obviously not. I just think youre being a little short-sighted, thinking
too much about whats fun now and not about whats good for you in the
long run.
Youre wrong about that. Ive given this a lot of thought and done a lot
of soul-searching. Im in this for the long run and so is Ben. This isnt a
fling. Its the real thing.
J ohn threw up his hands in frustration and walked off toward the
workshop out back. I felt that things had gone a little bit better than the last
couple of times wed talked. He was as unyielding as ever, but at least he
was rational. He disagreed with the way I was living my life, but he wasnt a
raving lunatic about it. Maybe there was hope for dtente, at least.
*****
Ben
After J oey left for work I spent a few minutes catching up on household
bills and then went to work on tax returns. I was getting a little tired of the
same old forms and would be glad when tax season ended. I discovered it
really wasnt so bad getting up early on the weekend if I didnt fight it. Of
course, waking up to J oeys warm brown eyes and beautiful smile wasnt
something Id ever fight. I brought some of Connors toys into the office so
he could play in there. I hated leaving him by himself in the playpen when I
was busy, but I really couldnt leave him on his own in the house. Even
though wed done some childproofing, the house was still a dangerous place
for a toddler on the loose. Sometime around eleven I heard sounds of life
coming from J ames room. A minute later he popped his head into my office
on his way to the bathroom.
Mornin, Ben.
Good morning, J ames. Sleep well? Hed been unconscious for nearly
twelve hours so I assumed he had. He nodded and continued on his way to
the bathroom to take care of pressing business. I went into the kitchen and
heated up the bacon, poured him some OJ and put a couple of slices of bread
in the toaster. J ames wasnt a big breakfast person and lunch was only an
hour or so away, so that would do him fine.
He slowly came to life as he munched on his food. I knew better than to
try to have a conversation right away. He was a lot like me when it came to
waking up. I sat across the counter from him and watched his face as he ate.
Back when Id first noticed him, that day he walked in on me dozing at his
grandparents house, Id thought he was a teenage version of J oey. He had
J oeys curly black hair and a similar small, tight build, but facially he was
definitely his fathers son. His nose was small like his mothers but the rest
of his features were pure Vinnie. On him it looked good, though. Maybe it
was just Vinnies nasty attitude that had always made him look ugly to me.
So youre going over to the nursery at three, then?
Yeah, Ill see what kind of shape their books are in. Im thinking well
be there a couple of hours.
Thats cool. Connor and I will keep each other company. Hes my little
buddy.
Are you sure youre going to be all right with him?
No sweat, Ben. I know youre concerned but Im the oldest of four
kids. I spent the first ten years of my life around toddlers. It was a kind of
on-the-job training for this. J ust make sure hes dry and hasnt got a load in
his pants when you leave. Im not into diapers.
Im not either but Ive managed to get used to it. He cant change
himself, after all. Youre going to be home for supper tonight, arent you?
Where else would I be?
I dont know, I thought you might have plans with Cookie. But Im
glad youre going to be home. My friend Becky is coming over for dinner
and she wants to meet you.
Yeah, you talk about her all the time. It will be nice to meet her, though
I cant see why a straight woman would want to hang out with fags all the
time.
Becky has been my friend since before she knew I was gay and she
likes J oey because of who he is, not because hes gay. And I wish you
wouldnt say fag so much.
Sorry, I didnt know we were supposed to be so politically correct. He
sounded a little grouchy and defensive.
God knows no one has ever accused me of being politically correct. I
say the wrong thing all the time. But since youre still working on getting
comfortable with being gay, it might help if you didnt use negative terms
about yourself. I just want you to feel better about who you are and if you
speak more positively you might start feeling that way.
I know, Ben, Im sorry for snapping at you. My therapist says the same
thing. Im trying but sometimes the wrong words slip out. Those are the
words my father has always used so theyre what Im used to.
Maybe your father should try changing his vocabulary, too. It might
help his attitude.
Dont hold your breath, Ben.
When I got to the nursery J oey was there alone. The place was officially
closed for the day. He pulled me into a hug.
Hey there, sexy. Ready to be my knight in shining armor one more
time?
He gave me a warm but controlled kiss on the mouth. It might have
become less controlled but we were interrupted by the sound of a throat
being cleared. I turned and Mr. Napoli was standing in the open doorway
looking embarrassed. J oey and I quickly separated.
Thanks for coming by, Ben. I really do appreciate this. I just hope we
havent made too much of a mess of things this week.
Im sure Ive seen worse. Its only been a week, after all. How about
we get started?
J oey started back to the office while Mr. Napoli locked the door behind
him. They pointed out Margarets desk and I sat and started going through
the stacks of papers. As I did some reorganizing I explained what I was
doing and why. Mr. Napoli carefully watched and listened while J oey took
notes, writing down practically every word I said. When I had everything in
order I turned to the computer. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that
they were using a program that I used all the time at work. It was fairly
straightforward and perfect for the job they had. Whoever had sold it to
them knew what he was doing.
I took my time explaining the various screens and fields and how they
related to the paperwork, showing them what figures went where. Mr.
Napoli appeared to be paying attention but I knew he wasnt keeping up.
J oey did most of the computer work for the business so I concentrated on
making sure he understood what to do. It was nearly five oclock when I
finished going over the basics.
I think thats a lot for you guys to absorb in one sitting. How about we
come back for a while tomorrow and get some of the actual work done? I
can watch J oey input some of the data and make sure hes got it down, then
between the two of you should be able to do it on your own during the
week.
That sounds good to me but I dont think it will be necessary for Pop to
come tomorrow. Have you got the record-keeping part of it down, Pop?
Yes, I think so. Its the same basic principles as what I used to do years
ago, just a little more complicated and organized slightly differently.
Then lets call it a day, guys. Beckys coming over to the house in a
while and Joey has to get to work in the kitchen. J oey gave me a dirty look.
We should have had J ames make dinner. Ive been working all day and
hes probably been laying around the house.
Can J ames cook? Hes never said anything about it.
I have no idea but if I can teach you some things in the kitchen J ames
should be easy. Its time he started earning his keep.
We stopped outside the door as J oey locked up. When we got out to the
parking lot Mr. Napoli gave J oey a hug goodbye, and then surprised me by
hugging me as well.
Thank you so much, Ben. I dont know what we would have done
without you. Make sure youre keeping track of your time and what we owe
you.
I looked at my watch. Sure, no problem. Two hours so far. Thats easy
enough to keep track of, Mr., uh, Pop.
Now just dont forget to submit the bill.
J oey wanted to stop by the supermarket for a few things so I went
straight home. I was surprised to see Beckys car parked out front. She and
J ames were on the floor of the family room playing with Connor when I
walked in.
Hey Beck, youre early. I see youve met the new addition to the
family.
Yeah, I was at the mall and didnt feel like going all the way back
home. This is quite a watchdog youve got here.
Lula? Are you nuts? Shed hold the flashlight for burglars.
I meant J ames. I wasnt in the house three seconds and hed grabbed
Connor, picked up the phone and was about to call the police.
Well, you just walked in and I didnt know who you were.
I knew Ben and J oey were at the nursery and I thought the house would
be empty so I used my key. Im glad I convinced you of who I was before
you got through to the cops. I love men in uniform but Im spoken for now.
She turned back toward me. He was pretty tough. I had to show him my
drivers license as ID. While I was digging that out of my wallet I came
across that picture Paul took of us in Key West a couple of years ago and
that clinched it. He loosened up a bit after that.
Yeah, but then I started to get pissed at you, Ben.
Me? I wasnt even here.
I know, but I figured youd sent Becky here to check up on me, to
babysit me while I was babysitting Connor. I knew you didnt trust me to
take care of him myself.
Its not that I didnt trust you. I was just nervous. But J oey had faith in
you and that was enough for me. I wouldnt have sent Becky to spy on you.
Yeah, Becky convinced me of that. Shes pretty cool for an older
woman. Becky punched him on the arm. Shes been telling me all these
stories about you when you were in college.
I groaned. I hope you censored them a bit, Beck. Remember, the kid is
only fifteen.
Thered be nothing left of some of your stories if I censored them. You
didnt exactly censor your life, slut. J ames giggled at her use of the term.
If you dont want someone talking about something then you shouldnt do
it in the first place.
You really got around and did some crazy things when you were
young, Ben.
Hey, Im still young, J ames, though maybe Ive grown up a bit since
then.
Youre both over thirty. Thats pretty old in my book.
Watch it, kid, or well send you to your room without supper. Becky
gave J ames an evil leer.
Speaking of supper, J oey should be home any minute. Lets all help
him out as much as possible. Hes had a long day at work.
Maybe you could cook and give Uncle J oey a rest, Ben.
Youve only been here a couple of weeks and probably havent tasted
Bens cooking, so Ill forgive you for that suggestion, J ames.
Thats not fair, Beck. You know I can do some things pretty good.
Becky thought for a minute and nodded. Thats true. You do phone for
Chinese take-out better than anyone I know.
Bitch!
J ames looked back and forth between us. Are you two sure you like
each other?
*****
Joey
Dinner with Becky was a lot of fun. I had meatballs and gravy in the
freezer and defrosted that in the microwave while I put together baked ziti.
Ben and Becky made a large salad. Afterward, J ames cleaned up. It was a
real family project.
I was surprised at how loose J ames was with Becky. It usually took him
quite a while to warm up to people. He seemed a lot better with Ben as well.
Theyd been getting along fairly well, but I thought that seeing him with
Becky showed J ames another side of Ben, another human face. Late that
night, after an especially passionate lovemaking, we talked about it while
we cooled down. Then I brought up something Id been thinking about for a
few days.
I think Im going to make an appointment to go have a talk with Father
Vittorio this week.
Is something bothering you, J oe? You can talk to me about anything,
you know.
I know, Ben. Its nothing like that. Ive just been thinking that maybe
he could be some kind of go-between with my mother. Shes not softening
up at all from what Pop says and hes been working on her a while. Maybe
shed listen to a priest.
She might, but I would imagine that hed be more in agreement with
her way of thinking than yours.
Probably, but Id like to try anyway. Hes pretty old-fashioned but he
also seems warm and human, for a priest anyway.
Those are the kind that can fool you sometimes. Ben got a faraway
look in his eyes.
Yeah, but Im pretty together on where I stand on all of this. If I go into
it expecting the worst from him I cant be too disappointed.
We held each other tight and cuddled for a while, falling asleep in each
others arms.
Sunday morning I dragged the whole family to church. Neither Ben nor
J ames was happy about getting up early but Ben was getting better about
such things and J ames had always enjoyed going to Mass, so by the time we
got there they had both stopped grumbling. J ames was going to the mall
with his friend Cookie in the afternoon so Ben and I took Connor with us
when we went to the nursery. We only stayed about an hour, until I was
feeling comfortable with the bookkeeping program and Ben was sure I
knew what I was doing.
Monday morning I called St. Vincents and made an appointment with
Father Vittorio for after lunch on Tuesday. I was a little nervous when I
walked into his office. Id grown up with him as one of the major authority
figures in my life and the others, my parents, hadnt reacted well to this
whole subject. Father Vittorio had stronger religious reasons for being
against my new lifestyle, but on the other hand he didnt have a personal
stake in it, so maybe hed be okay.
After a few minutes of small talk I explained why Id come to see him,
how I hoped he could help start to patch things up with Mom.
Youre not having any second thoughts about this relationship, then?
No, not at all. Every day Im more sure of it, Father. I know what the
Church says about homosexuality, but this relationship is right for me and I
cant accept that there is anything wrong with it.
I dont know how long youve been involved with this man, but you
hadnt said anything about it in confession, so Ive been wondering what
was going on in your head.
Its not just my head, though I have given it a lot of thought. Its my
heart, too. I havent said anything in confession because thats the place for
repenting sins, and theres nothing sinful about me being with Ben. I know
what the Church teaches, but probably the one thing J esus stressed above
everything else was love. I just cant believe that love can ever be wrong.
I agree for the most part, but I think the word love is often misused and
tossed about lightly. Many confuse passion, or lust, or even need, with love.
Real love is very special and deserves to be honored, but thats not what
many people are feeling when they talk about love.
I realize that, but I think you know that Im not one to jump into things
without plenty of thought. I do love Ben, and I know he loves me. It wasnt
something I was looking for at all. I was certain I would never love again.
But it happened and I have to view it as a blessing from God. I know the
Church doesnt see it that way, but its the only way it makes sense to me.
Tell me about Ben.
I dont know where to start. Hes sweet and kind, just about the most
generous man Ive ever known. I dont mean that he gives away lots of
money or anything like that, but he gives of himself. Hed do just about
anything for a friend and half the time not even realize hed done anything.
Its just in his nature to be there for those he cares about. Strangely enough,
hes somewhat insecure and often tells me he doesnt deserve someone as
good as me. But hes the most decent, loving man Ive ever known. Hes
bright and sensitive and, while he wasnt too sure about dealing with a child
at first, hes grown to love Connor with all his heart. He takes such good
care of both of us, and now J ames, too.
He sounds like a good man, but it sounds to me like you and your
mother are talking about two completely different men.
Im sure, but Mom doesnt even know him. Shes never given him a
chance. When she thought he and I were just friends, she dismissed him as
an oddity, a distasteful acquaintance. Then when I came out, he was the
pervert who had seduced her son. She doesnt know Ben at all.
Father Vittorio was silent for a while. He was deep in thought, staring
past me at the wall behind me. For a moment I thought he had forgotten I
was there but then he looked into my eyes and smiled.
Ive known you since you were a small boy, J oey. Ive been with you
through so many landmarks in life, your first communion, confirmation,
your wedding, J ennys funeral, Connors christening. I know you that you
are a good man, a good Christian, a good Catholic. You used the words
decent and loving to describe Ben. I would say the same about you. If you
say you are in love with Ben and he loves you, I believe you. As a priest I
cannot endorse this relationship, but I will not condemn it either.
So what youre saying is that personally youre okay with Ben and
me?
Im not an activist priest, challenging the Church on issues where I
disagree, but I have been around a good many years and have seen a lot.
Society has changed quite a bit in my lifetime but the Church is slow to
change. The Church is big on historical precedent, but times are moving
swiftly.
But how can you reconcile the Churchs rules with not condemning
me for breaking them?
In the same way that you have reconciled the relationship youre in
and can still see yourself as a Catholic. I teach what the Church stands for,
but then its up to each individual and his conscience. I know that not
everyone is going to follow every teaching. Some call that hypocritical. I
prefer the words flexible and realistic. Of course, this is only my personal
opinion, J oey. Im telling you because I think that you are a good Christian
and I would hate to see you leave the Church over this issue. I know the
Church has been very important in your life.
It has and probably always will be. I think Ive pretty much done what
youve said, decided which teachings dont make sense for my life. Of
course, Id have a hard time staying in the Church if you got up every
Sunday morning and blasted me for my sin but youve never done that.
Youve taught me what the Church believes and then left it up to me. Thank
you for that. So do you think you can help me with my mother?
Ill try, though I cant go against the party line quite as much when
talking to her. But I feel better about you and your life having talked to you.
I would like to talk to your friend Ben some time if you think that might be
possible.
Im not sure but Ill mention it to him.
He is a Catholic, isnt he? He seems to know his way around when he
comes to Mass with you.
Yes, Father, hes a Catholic, though sometimes he uses the term
recovering Catholic.
I mentioned Father Vittorios invitation to Ben when I told him about
the meeting. He said hed think about it and I left it at that. I thought that
Ben would probably enjoy discussing his philosophy of religion with Father
Vittorio but I didnt want to pressure him. He was being good about
accompanying me to Mass when I asked and that was enough for me.
Friday afternoon things were winding down at work. Anthony and Pop
went home at four-thirty and John went out to the workshop to close up
back there and then went on home. It was my day to stay until six to mind
the store and lock up. In another couple of weeks the spring business boom
would be upon us and our part-timers would be back. Those of us in the
family would be working longer hours as well. Wed all be back on a
full-time schedule. I was hanging out at the counter enjoying what might be
my last lazy afternoon for six months when a guy a few years older than me
walked in wearing a business suit. Probably picking up something on his
way home from the office, I thought. He didnt look around the shop at all
but walked right up to the counter.
Excuse me, Im looking for J oseph Napoli. I was told he worked here.
He does and youve found him. Im J oey Napoli.
Thank God. Ive been running late all day and I was afraid Id missed
you. He reached into the inside pocket of his jacket and pulled out some
folded papers. Consider yourself served, Mr. Napoli. He handed me the
papers.
Served? What are you talking about? What is this?
He turned and headed for the exit. Hey, Im just the guy who serves the
papers. Your lawyer can explain it all to you better than I can. Its some kind
of custody case. He went out the door.
Custody? What the heck was Vinnie up to now? He knew I didnt have
any legal custody of James. If he still had a problem with J ames living with
Ben and me his fight was with Rita, not me.
I sat down on the stool behind the register and unfolded the papers and
glanced at them. It all looked very legal, very formal and very complicated.
Plaintiffs, David and Alice Reynolds. Defendant, J oseph Napoli. A hearing
to determine the custody of Connor Anthony Napoli. Dave and Alice?
Connor? A sharp pain stabbed through my gut and I doubled over, dropping
the papers on the floor. My mind was spinning and I was having trouble
breathing. No, not Connor. They couldnt want Connor. This couldnt be
happening. What was I going to do?

Chapter Thirty
Ben
The phone rang about five on Friday afternoon and it was all I could do
to make out that it was J oey. I had no idea what had him in such a frenzy but
he was half-hysterical and even once he started using actual words he
wasnt making any sense.
Whoa, calm down, Joey. Take a few deep breaths. Where are you? Are
you hurt? Whats going on?
There was silence for a few seconds and then he started again, a bit
more rationally.
Im at work. Its about Connor. And Dave and Alice. I dont know
what to do.
Take it easy, babe. Connors here with me. Hes fine. What are you
talking about? The names Dave and Alice rang a bell but I couldnt
remember who they were.
Papers. I got served legal papers. J ennys parents want to take Connor
away from me. He briefly told me about the guy who had served the papers
on him.
Thats ridiculous. Those people dont even know Connor or like him.
Whats this all about?
I dont know. I cant figure anything out from these papers. Theyre
too legal-sounding for me to make any sense of.
Then the first thing youve got to do is have your lawyer go over them.
Do you have a lawyer?
Not really. Pop has one for the business and he helped me with J ennys
estate, but I dont even remember his name. Besides, its late on Friday
afternoon. I wouldnt be able to get in touch with him anyway. What am I
gonna do? He was getting wound up again and sounded like he was losing
control.
Calm down, let me think. Can you come home right now?
Im the only one here. I have to keep the place open until six.
Fuck that, youre not going to put the nursery out of business closing
an hour early. But wait there a minute. Im going to call Paul.
Paul? What for?
I know what you think of him but hes a damn good lawyer, the best I
know. And I know hes handled custody cases before. Hell know what to
do. Dont hang up. J ust hold on the line. Ill call him on my cell phone.
I set the phone down and took my cell out of my pocket. There was no
point in trying Pauls office; I knew there was no way hed still be there at
this time on a Friday afternoon. I tried him on his cell phone and caught him
on his way home.
Have him fax me the papers at the house. Ill go over them and get
right back to you. But Im going to need more background on this from him.
I could come over to your place tonight if you think that would be okay.
Yeah, if you could do that it would be great. Hes at work right now
but Im going to have him come right home. Come over as soon as you can.
Well have something to eat and talk. J oeys freaking out over this.
Try to calm him down. Parents dont lose custody unless theyve done
something horribly wrong. From what youve said about him, J oey sounds
like a good father. Im sure he has nothing to worry about.
I got back on the line with J oey and gave him Pauls home fax number
and told him to come home as soon as hed sent the papers.
J ames was having dinner with Cookie and her family so that would give
us some time to talk to Paul. Knowing how attached J ames was to Connor,
hed probably freak out about this as much as J oey. It would be better to talk
to Paul before telling him about it. I had some chicken breasts marinating,
ready to go on the grill when J oey got home. I occupied myself making a
salad and chopping up some veggies.
When J oey got home he handed me the papers and went right to
Connor, wrapping his arms around him and holding him in a secure hug. He
sat and rocked with him, trying to get Connor to work his magic on him, to
calm him down. I read through the papers, trying to get an idea what this
was all about. The language was legal and complicated but it was clear this
had to do with J oeys relationship with me and our living together. There
was even reference to J ames, although not by name. I tried to comfort J oey
but we didnt talk much. Since we really didnt know what was going on I
thought it would be best to wait for Paul rather than speculate and get
ourselves more worked up.
Paul called after a half hour to say that he was on his way. I put the
chicken on the grill and J oey steamed the veggies. We were ready to put the
food on the table when Paul arrived. Joey was all over him as soon as he
walked in the door.
Take it easy, J oe. Theres a lot I want to find out from you, but at this
point I dont think youve got any reason to get all worked up.
J oey can fill you in on what you need to know while we eat, Paul.
Good idea. Right now I know nothing about your background. I didnt
even know you had a son until I dropped by here a few weeks ago.
So we sat down and ate, with J oey doing almost all of the talking. I
knew it wasnt easy for him to talk about his relationship with J enny,
especially about the circumstances surrounding Connors birth. He talked
about his life since then, living with his parents and meeting me, coming out
and moving in here. For the most part Paul just let him talk, though he
interrupted with a question now and then. By the time J oey finished I could
tell he was emotionally drained.
After J oey stopped talking we were all quiet for a few minutes. Paul
finally broke the silence.
Okay, as I said when I came in, I dont think you have anything to
worry about. What their case comes down to is basically their claim that
your lifestyle is a bad influence on the child. They claim that you are living
in an immoral homosexual relationship and that constant exposure to this
relationship is damaging to Connor. They also claim that you have an
emotionally unstable teenager who is also a homosexual living in the house,
further endangering the child. I assume they are referring to the young man I
met the last time I was here.
Yes, thats J oeys nephew J ames. I gave Paul a brief rundown on his
recent history.
It sounds like even though your in-laws live in Atlanta they have
access to quite a bit of information about whats going on here.
Well, they lived here for years and have lots of friends and relatives
they keep in touch with. But its still strange that they know so much about
my life. Its not as if Im a local celebrity and the subject of gossip, in spite
of what my mother thinks. And theyve shown no interest in Connor or me
for nearly two years so I cant see why theyd be trying to get information
about us now.
Well, it doesnt matter where they got their information. The way
things stand they havent got a case. New J ersey has been allowing gay
individuals and couples to adopt children for years. The state does not
consider homosexuality or gay relationships detrimental to raising a child. I
find it hard to believe they would even bring a suit like this. Things are very
different in Georgia, so maybe they were encouraged by a local lawyer
down there, who referred them to a law firm up here. I do know that the firm
that filed this suit here is very conservative and frequently takes cases to
make a political point, even when they stand no chance of winning.
My life and Connors shouldnt be a political issue.
I agree. Im going to try to get this case dismissed or at least heard as
soon as possible. Do you still have that letter your father-in-law sent you?
Yeah, I dont know why I kept it. I havent been able to look at it since
I first read it. J oey got up and went into the bedroom. When he came back
he handed an envelope to Paul who opened it and quickly scanned though
the paper inside.
Damn, that is nasty. Of course, they will claim it was written in grief
over the death of his only child but their lack of contact with you or Connor
for nearly two years is a telling point. You say your mother talked to them
after you received this letter?
Yes, I was too distraught to talk to them. Mom called them and really
gave them a piece of her mind. She never did tell me all they said. I think she
didnt want to upset me even more.
It would be good if I could talk to her. I need as much background on
their attitude as possible.
J oey shook his head. I dont know if thats a good idea. She hasnt
exactly been on my side through all of this.
Nevertheless, she is a witness we need. Besides, shes your mother.
She has to help.
You dont know my mother, but if you have to talk to her then well do
it. So what do we do next? How long is all of this going to take?
The first thing is that youll be hearing from the state Department of
Youth and Family Services. Theyll send a social worker out to do an
investigation to make sure Connor isnt in any immediate danger. The social
worker will want to look over the house and interview both of you and
probably J ames as well.
And then? Theyre not going to take Connor away from me until they
make a decision, are they? I dont think I could stand that. J oey was getting
wound up again.
No, theyd only take him away if there was clear evidence of abuse.
Theyll schedule a hearing in a few weeks. Both sides will have a chance to
submit evidence to the court in advance.
What kind of evidence?
On our side Id like sworn statements from you and your parents, not
only about the contact with your in-laws since Connors birth, but about the
kind of father you have been. To be honest, I cant imagine what kind of
evidence they could present. I think their attitude is that your living
arrangement alone is all they need. Paul thought for a minute. Have you
guys given any thought to registering with the state as domestic partners?
We talked about it not long after J oey moved in but we decided that
when we did that wed want to have a big party to celebrate with our friends
and families. The way things stand with Joeys family we thought it might
be best to wait a while. Why?
Well, the other side is claiming that your relationship is the problem.
But if that relationship were legally recognized by the state they really
wouldnt have a leg to stand on.
Wouldnt it look a little contrived if Ben and I did that now, like we
were only doing it because of the custody case?
Possibly, and I wouldnt suggest you do it for that reason only. But if
you were going to register anyway, you might as well do it now. You could
always have the celebration at a later date.
Well talk about it and let you know. I turned to J oey. Can you think
of anything else you want to ask Paul about?
Not right now. To be honest, Im still not thinking very straight. This
whole thing has really shaken my world. Are you sure this is going to come
out all right, Paul?
Well, there are no guarantees but I cant imagine any way the court
would take Connor away from you and give him to people who have never
expressed any interest in him. I know youre not going to stop worrying just
because I tell you to, but try to think of this as a nuisance suit, not a serious
threat.
After Paul left J oey took Connor to his room to get him ready for bed. I
poured us each a brandy and sat on the couch waiting for him. I thought
about how odd it had been sitting at the dinner table with my ex-lover and
my lover. Id looked back and forth between them, trying to understand how
I could have had serious relationships with both. They were so different.
While I knew there would always be a special connection to Paul because
we had shared our lives for so long, when I looked at him talking to J oey all
I saw was an old acquaintance who was a very capable attorney. When I
looked at J oey holding Connor, his eyes full of love, determination and a bit
of fear, I knew that this was the man I would love the rest of my life.
When J oey returned from putting Connor to bed he nestled up against
me on the couch and we cuddled. We sipped our brandy and stared into the
fire in silence for a long time.
Paul surprised me tonight. Hes a lot different when hes not around
Chad.
Yeah, tonight he was more like the old Paul. I think maybe Chad was
just a symptom of a mid-life crisis or something. Of course, Pauls always
pretty impressive when hes in his lawyer mode.
Paul seemed so sure of our case. He definitely gave me confidence I
didnt have a little while ago. Do you think hes right, that I have nothing to
worry about?
I do. He knows what hes talking about, when it comes to the law,
anyway.
*****
Joey
It was so hard getting through the workday on Saturday. Anthony was
on with me and if there was anyone in the family I could talk to about the
custody matter it was him, but I decided to hold back. I knew as soon as I
told one person it would spread like wildfire through the family and, like my
coming out, I thought my parents should be the first to know. Paul wanted to
talk to them as soon as possible so I called Pop and made an appointment to
go over to the house Sunday afternoon. I told him that I had something
important to talk to both of them about but didnt want to get into it on the
phone. I tried not to sound too mysterious but it couldnt be helped.
I thought a bit about the conversation that Ben and I had had with J ames
when Cookies father had dropped him off the night before. We hated
telling him about the mention of him in the papers because we knew hed
feel guilty, but since both Paul and the social worker were going to have to
interview him, he had to know. Sure enough, he blamed himself for the
whole situation, since Ben and I had been living together for a couple of
months but the papers werent filed until after he moved in with us. We tried
to reassure him the best we could. After all, it was really our relationship
that was the issue. J ames was only staying with us temporarily. Our
relationship was permanent. He had calmed down a bit before bedtime but I
could tell it was still bothering him. Over breakfast Ben said he would
continue to work on him during the day.
On Sunday Paul came over to the house after lunch. We talked a bit
about my parents as I tried to prepare him for Mom. We decided that, given
her attitude, I would introduce Paul only as my lawyer. There was no need
for Mom to know that he was gay or that he was Bens ex. Paul talked to
J ames a bit and then we left Connor and J ames at home and drove to
Madison. My parents had no idea why I was coming over and things were
pretty tense when we first arrived, so I wasted no time in telling them about
the custody case. Then I explained who Paul was and why he wanted to talk
to them. Ben and I had decided to say as little as possible and leave the
talking up to Paul. Maybe things wouldnt get too emotional that way.
As I explained both Mom and Pop grew visibly angry. Pop was a bit
more rational as I would have expected.
But they never wanted anything to do with Connor. What would make
them do something like this? Pop looked exasperated, like he was trying to
understand where this was coming from but not making any sense of it.
Apparently they found out that J oey was gay and that set them off. Im
going to call their attorney in the morning and see if I cant get a better
understanding about whats behind this.
To think they were our friends, like family. What gives them the right
to try to take Connor away? Mom was indignant.
Well, they are his grandparents, just like you and Mr. Napoli.
Theyre not like us at all. We practically raised Connor. Theyve only
seen him once and they didnt pay any attention to him then. How dare they
accuse J oey of not being a good father. I was shocked. That was the nicest
thing shed said about me in months.
Im going to want to talk to you about the kind of father J oey has been,
but first I want to go over your telephone conversations with the Reynolds
after J oey received that last letter from them.
Mom talked about her conversation with Dave the day I got the letter.
She and Dave had each gotten so angry they ended up hanging up on each
other. She called back a couple of days later and talked to Alice. Their talk
wasnt as emotional but every bit as hostile. J ust listening to Mom,
remembering what I had been going through back then, I came close to
tears. When I lost J enny my whole world had fallen apart and I was barely
able to function, but Id been able to love Connor and take care of him. I
knew that Dave and Alice had been grieving terribly also, but taking it out
on a newborn was unforgivable. I knew I would do anything to keep them
away from my son.
Paul took some notes and then explained that he wanted both Mom and
Pop to make an appointment to come to his office during the week to make
sworn statements he could submit to the court. As soon as Pauls
questioning ended Mom started running off at the mouth again.
I just cant believe Dave and Alice would do this after all this time.
What could have upset them so? I see J anice every week and she hasnt said
anything at all about them being concerned about J oey and Connor.
J anice? Whos that? Ben leaned over and whispered in my ear.
Alices sister, the one they were visiting over the holidays.
Its not like J anice and I are friends. We havent really spoken more
than a few words since J ennys funeral, but her hair appointment at the salon
is the same time as mine so we see each other every week. If Alice were
planning anything like this youd think she would have said something.
As soon as Mom mentioned the salon I thought of all of the horrible
things Angie had told me Mom said about Ben and me in the weeks after I
came out. And then I suddenly realized that that was how Dave and Alice
knew so much about my recent life. Mom had told them everything, through
J anice, and with her own biased slant. Id been trying to leave everything up
to Paul and stay out of the conversation but I just exploded.
I cant believe it. This is all your fault, Ma. She was still prattling on
but I interrupted her.
What are you talking about? What do you mean, my fault? Mom still
hadnt made the connection between her running me down while getting her
hair done and the custody case. How could she be so oblivious?
I told you before to stop badmouthing me at the salon, ripping apart my
life, making it sound like Ben was a pervert who seduced me, that J ames
was an unhinged adolescent. Now look what youve done, you stupid old
woman!
Id spent my whole life bickering with Mom but Id never really yelled
at her before. But the realization of just how much she might have damaged
my life and Connors made me see red. Ben put his arm around my shoulder
and pulled me close.
Calm down, J oey. Getting upset isnt going to help anything. He
whispered soothingly in my ear.
Moms eyes widened in shock at the way Id spoken to her. Then I
could see the light dawn in them. It finally seemed to sink in what I was
talking about. She looked like she was going to cry.
B-but that wasnt what I meant when I was talking about you. I never
meant to say you were a bad father or you didnt love Connor, that you
didnt take good care of him. You know better than that. That wasnt what I
meant.
Paul turned to Ben. Why dont you take Joey outside? Everyone is
getting too upset right now. Im nearly done anyway. If you guys will wait
in the car Ill be right out.
Ben pulled me up and grabbed our coats. I was still furious, though a bit
stunned that I had spoken to Mom that way. Ben led me out the front door
and stopped on the porch, pulling me into a hug. I hugged him back,
grasping him so tight.
I just cant believe this, Ben. Mom has been saying all these terrible
things about you and me for months now and Ive pretty much just let it
slide because I know the way she is, the way she bitches and moans about
everything. Yeah, it hurts because I know she disapproves of me being gay,
but I know her well enough to take what she says with a grain of salt. The
whole family knows that. Deep down she loves us all no matter what she
says at any given moment. But thinking about what she must have sounded
like to J anice and the other women in the salon, I can see where this lawsuit
came from.
It doesnt matter, J oey. We know the truth and Paul will make sure the
real story is presented at the hearing. The other side cant present any
evidence that youre a bad father because there isnt any evidence like that.
J ust then Paul came out and joined us on the porch. We talked as we all
got in the car.
Theyre going to call my office tomorrow for an appointment to come
in and give their testimony. Your mothers pretty shook up now that she
realizes shes the one who made you look so bad. Dont worry about it,
J oey. You know she doesnt believe that youre a bad father and once I get
her under oath Ill make sure she thinks things through before opening her
mouth. Ill get the truth out of her.
I think it may be a while before Mom speaks without thinking again. I
hope so, anyway.
Maybe youre right, J oey. Paul turned and gave J oey a half-smile.
But in the future, keep in mind that its not a good idea to yell at and insult
your own witness.
*****
Ben
I was pretty stunned by the way Joey had yelled at his mother, not that I
hadnt wanted to do just that many times over the past few months. Id seen
him go through so many emotions in the time that Id known him but hed
never really lost his temper. I knew that hed been under a lot of pressure
going back for quite a while. Even before hed come out hed been pretty
stressed, wondering how he was going to tell his family and how theyd
react. Then there was the generally bad reaction of his family to our
relationship and that got to him quite a bit. He was just starting to adjust to
that when the situation with J ames came up. And now the custody case. I
knew J oey was strong but I wasnt sure how much more he could take.
He was pretty quiet and withdrawn all evening. When we got into bed I
made up my mind to try to make him forget all his troubles. I started slow,
just cuddling with him, making out a bit. He cuddled back but seemed a bit
distracted. I decided to put all of my effort into seducing him, making love
to his body from head to toe. I started with a full body massage. He was a
giant mass of taut muscle. Id never seen or felt anything like it. As I worked
my way down his body he gradually relaxed. When I started back up from
his feet I began using my mouth as well as my hands. As I neared his crotch
I saw that he wasnt even beginning to get hard. I spent a few minutes
licking and sucking on his balls and cock to no avail. I continued on up his
body until I was kissing him on the mouth, gently but passionately forcing
my tongue into him. All the while I was fondling his manhood with my right
hand. While he was returning my kisses, I still wasnt getting much of a
response from him. Finally, he pulled back a few inches.
Im sorry, Ben. I guess Im just not in the mood.
Thats okay, J oey. I was just trying to relax you, make you feel good.
Dont feel like you have to do anything.
Do you mind if we just cuddle? Im not feeling very sexual but having
you in my arms makes me feel so much better.
No problem, babe. I love holding you, too. Whatever you want.
Actually I had worked up a hard-as-steel erection while working over his
body and it was practically screaming for release, but it would have to go
down on its own. I knew it would, eventually, though probably not while he
was holding me in his arms.
I was going to turn on my side and spoon him from the rear, holding
him close to my chest but he surprised me by rolling me over and spooning
me. Thats how we usually cuddled but I had sensed that maybe he wanted
to be held. It didnt matter to me; I loved being in his arms. Of course,
feeling his dick, even soft, pressed into my ass crack there was no way my
erection was going to go away.
You make me happier than Ive ever been in my life, Ben. Why cant
others see that? Its like no one wants me to be happy.
Im sure they do want you to be happy but its like your father said.
They just cant believe that being with me will make you happy in the long
run. They know nothing about gay relationships and cant imagine that one
could work for you.
He sighed. Im tired of being patient with them, trying to keep in mind
where theyre coming from, waiting for them to come around. Im tired of
feeling like Im fighting the people I love all the time. I just want to move on
with my life and be happy.
Then lets do it, babe.
What do you mean? How?
Well, obviously you have to fight this custody battle, but Paul is going
to take care of that for you. Youre going to win, you know. Theres no
doubt in my mind about that and there shouldnt be any in yours. He had
his arms wrapped around my chest and I reached for them, grabbed his
forearms in my hands and gave what I hoped was a reassuring squeeze.
Yeah, I guess I know that. Its so obvious to me how good I am for
Connor, but then, everything else thats obvious to me people keep fighting
us on, so I cant help but worry.
J ust do what Paul says and let him handle everything. Other than that,
its time we took charge of our lives.
And how do we do that?
I turned around to face him. We were practically nose-to-nose as I
stared into his eyes.
Tomorrow Im going to leave work early. Well pick J ames up at
school and the four of us will go to Borough Hall and well register as
domestic partners. J ames and Connor will be our best men or witnesses,
whatever. Theyre our family. Its not quite the same as getting married but
its as close as we can get right now. Then well be officially committed to
one another and anybody who doesnt like it can go to hell.
I like the sound of that. Is this partnership going to give us the same
rights and protections as getting married?
Not by a long shot, but its a start. As long as we have Paul acting as
your lawyer we should have him draw up all kinds of documents for us;
wills, living wills, powers of attorney, that kind of thing.
That doesnt sound very romantic, but okay, if we have to. How about
the party to celebrate? Are we still going to do that?
Yeah, but we should probably wait until after the custody hearing,
Then well really have something to celebrate. That doesnt mean we cant
start planning it, though.
Who should we invite? J oey was getting into the spirit of things and
finally starting to relax.
Everybody. My family, your family, friends. Whoever wants to come,
great!
Whoever doesnt, fuck em! Like you said, were moving on with our
lives. Were not waiting for anyone anymore. If they dont want to come
along with us, theyll have to catch up later or be left behind.
We talked excitedly about ideas for the party for several few minutes
until J oey started yawning. Now that he was no longer tense he was
beginning to feel tired from all of the stress hed been under.
I wish we could really get married, Ben. I love you so much and want
to be with you forever. He whispered in my ear.
Same here, J oey. I love you, too. Maybe someday well be able to get
married.
He kissed me tenderly. I turned over and he spooned me again, pulling
me tight against his chest. We lay there for a few more minutes in silence. I
could tell by J oeys rhythmic breathing that hed fallen asleep but he still
had me in his arms. It was right where I wanted to be. I was hard as a rock
again and I knew I probably would be all night, but that was fine. That was
what J oey did to me and I wouldnt have it any other way.

Chapter Thirty-One
Joey
The social worker that Paul had talked about called just before lunch on
Monday. I suppose it was a bit sexist of me but I was expecting it to be a
woman. Instead I heard a soft male voice with just a trace of a drawl. While
he sounded friendly enough, I was nervous. Ben always said that in general
women tended to be more accepting of male homosexuality than men. The
social worker said he wanted to interview all of the members of our
household as soon as possible. Ben and I had made plans to register at town
hall that afternoon and I figured there was no way the social worker could
make it the same day anyhow, so I suggested the next afternoon. After
checking his schedule he agreed to come to the house at three oclock. He
would be able to talk to me first and then interview J ames when he got home
from school. By the time he finished with J ames, Ben should be getting in
from work.
Ben came home from work a little after two-thirty. I was just getting
Connor up from his nap and he joined me in Connors room as I got him
dressed.
So what do we wear to something like this? Should we get all dressed
up, like were getting married?
Youve got me. Ive never done this before. But its a pretty simple
thing from what others have told me. Theres no ceremony or anything. We
just fill out some papers. We can wear whatever we want.
In the end we decided to wear suits. Wed probably be way overdressed
for what was essentially a simple bureaucratic procedure, but it was an
important moment in our relationship. Wed already privately committed
ourselves to each other many times. Now we were making it legal. I
couldnt help but make comparisons to getting married to J enny. She and I
had been engaged for over a year and spent all of that time planning every
detail of our special day. This, on the other hand, wed decided on the night
before and we were squeezing the five minute process in after work. I
thought that our love for each other deserved so much more, but I still
couldnt help but be a bit awed by the step we were taking.
I dressed Connor up in the little suit Id bought him for Christmas and
we were ready to go get J ames at Madison High. When he walked up to the
car outside the school he stopped short.
You guys are gonna have to take me home to change. You make me
look like a bum. I cant go with you looking like this.
He was wearing his usually loose jeans hanging low on his hips and
oversized t-shirt and a cap turned around backwards. That teen uniform
made most boys look like slobs but J ames always looked neat and crisp no
matter what he was wearing. We tried to assure him that he looked fine but
he insisted, so we stopped by the house. We kept our coats on and waited in
the family room while he raced to his room and changed in record time.
When he reappeared in what seemed like only a minute he was wearing
khaki slacks, a dress shirt and a tie. The last time Id seen him dressed up
was at his confirmation a couple of years before and he was just a cute kid
then. I realized he was rapidly growing into a handsome man.
When we got to the borough clerks office I wasnt sure what to ask for.
Ben seemed to know what he was doing and explained to the clerk what we
were there for. She reached under the counter and came up with some
forms. She went over them with us, explaining what to fill in where. J ames
kept Connor occupied while Ben and I filled out the forms. When we were
done we showed her the documents wed brought with us, proving who we
were and that we lived together. The clerk looked everything over and
signed the form and that was it. We were partnered. Or registered. Or
something.
We marked the moment with a brief kiss. J ames looked a little
uncomfortable, but no more so than the clerk. Connor took it all in stride
and laughed and clapped as we each kissed him as well.
When we got back to the house we shared a somewhat more passionate
kiss. J ames just shook his head as he watched.
Dont you guys ever stop? I guess I should be getting used to it after a
few weeks, but it still looks weird to see two guys kiss.
It feels anything but weird, J ames. Ben proved it by kissing me again.
Ill have to take your word for it. Maybe someday Ill find out for
myself.
Im sure you will, J ames. Youre going to have guys tripping all over
themselves to kiss you when you get a little older.
Ben cocked his head to one side and thought for a minute. You know,
theres a gay youth group that meets in South Orange. Maybe youd like to
start going to their meetings.
You tryin to get me hooked up, Ben? I dont think Im ready for that.
Not hooked up, exactly. You might not feel like youre ready to have a
boyfriend, but it would be nice if you could have a gay friend or two your
own age.
Ill think about it. Im just getting used to being around you two guys.
We all went to our rooms to change into more comfortable clothes, then
I went into the kitchen to make dinner while Ben headed for his office.
J ames brought his homework into the family room and worked on that while
Connor played with Lula. All of a sudden it felt like a typical evening at
home. It was hard to believe that Ben and I had just done something
momentous in our relationship, that we were now legally linked together. I
made up my mind that as soon as the custody hearing was over we were
definitely going to have to plan a big party. This milestone deserved
recognition.
I was just getting ready to put dinner on the table when Ben came up
behind me, grabbed me around the waist and kissed me on the side of my
neck.
How about we skip bowling tonight and stay in to consummate our
new legal status, babe?
Your teams in first place and its getting close to the end of the
season. Youd better bowl or Mike and Scott will kill you.
Youre not very romantic tonight. Is everything okay?
Yeah, Im fine, I guess. I keep thinking that I should feel different.
What we did today is so important, but it feels like any other day.
I know what you mean. I think thats partly because it came out of
nowhere. We didnt have time to anticipate it, so it was over before it really
sunk in. Plus theres all of the other crap thats been going on lately.
Is that a technical legal term? Other crap?
He shrugged. Its hard to live all those years with a lawyer and not pick
up some of the terminology.
Tell you what, well cut out of bowling as soon as its over and come
home and do a little consummating. I grabbed his butt and gave it a
squeeze. I think I could get into that.
I know I could get into you getting into that.
A groan came from the doorway. Looks like another night of being
kept up by the sounds of unbridled passion. What am I supposed to tell my
algebra teacher when I fall asleep in class?
*****
Ben
Becoming domestic partners the way we did almost felt wrong. It
should have been something spectacular, the most important moment of my
life. Instead, it reminded more me of when I got Lulas dog license right
after I moved to town. I knew Joey was nervous about the custody lawsuit
and I wanted this to be as beautiful an occasion as possible. I was concerned
that the borough clerk wouldnt have the forms. New J ersey had only
legalized domestic partnership the summer before and this was a small
suburban town, after all. So I called before I left the office to let them know
we were coming. We didnt need an appointment but that gave them time to
find the forms and go over them, so there wouldnt be any last minute snags.
I even suggested we wear suits. I generally dont like wearing a tie
when Im not in the office but we needed something to make it feel like a
special occasion. I was glad that J ames wanted to dress up as well. He was
gradually warming up to me and getting used to being in a gay household. I
kept thinking that he shouldnt be having so much trouble adjusting to us
since he was gay himself but I had to remind myself that hed never known
anyone gay before. And he had been raised by Vinnie, after all.
Afterward, the day seemed even less special. We had a nice family
dinner, shrimp fra diavolo; the shrimp because it was my favorite, the
diavolo because we both loved hot, spicy food. J oey heated up a little plain
marinara sauce for Connor. No point in frying his little taste buds before
they were even fully developed. I offered to skip bowling so we could try to
make it a romantic evening but J oey insisted we go. He was right. If wed
stayed home we probably would have played with Connor, helped J ames
with his homework and then watched TV. A comfortable evening, but not
romantic.
We didnt even get to celebrate with our friends in the league. As luck
would have it my team was on the last lanes in our league, only five lanes
from where the Napoli brothers were bowling. We didnt want word of our
visit to town hall to get to them so we kept quiet about it. It was almost like
J oey was back in the closet. I understood that he wanted to tell his parents
first but I made him promise to find time to do it before the end of the week.
It was bad enough not being able to have a big celebration about our
partnership; I didnt want to keep it a secret.
The custody suit was no longer a secret, however. The Napoli grapevine
had been working overtime since our visit to J oeys parents house the day
before. Both Anthony and Sal came over to ask us how we were handling it.
J oey spent several minutes discussing the case with them while I bowled. I
was surprised to see J ohn come over for a few words with J oey as well.
As the evening passed, we were a bit more affectionate than usual. After
all, it was a special day for us even if no one else knew it. I noticed a glare or
two from Vinnie but paid him no mind. My teammate Mike noticed the
extra hugs and touching, too, and J oey and I both stifled laughs when he
jokingly referred to us as newlyweds.
So are you guys looking forward to the Gotham tournament? Its too
bad youre not staying at the host hotel, though we might have trouble
getting out of your room to bowl if you did.
Is that coming up already? I keep thinking its not until spring.
Duh, the first day of spring was last week in case you didnt notice,
Ben. Next Sunday is Easter so the tournament is less than two weeks off.
Mike and Scott entered a lot of gay bowling tournaments and had been
after me to go with them for over a year. Since Gotham was the New York
tournament and this year it was actually being held in J ersey City, it was
local which made it very convenient. So J oey and I had agreed to form a
four-man team with the guys. With everything going on with Joey and his
family, Id completely forgotten the event.
I guess were as ready as well be. J oey hasnt had much practice
bowling as a sub lately but its not much different than league bowling,
right?
No, except its nine games over two days. Mike was right that its a
shame you wont be at the hotel. Half the fun of a tournament is the
hospitality suite with all of the drinking and whoring around.
Well, Ben and I dont drink that much and we are definitely not into
whoring around.
Dont pay any attention to Scott. J ust cause hes a whore doesnt
mean everyone else is. Tournaments are just great social occasions. Well
have to get you guys to go away with us for one sometime.
Im sure well get to do some socializing at this one, but its tough
enough for me to take two days off from the nursery in the spring. I dont
think I could do any traveling at this time of year.
There are tournaments all year round. J ust say when its convenient
and well set it up.
When we got home J ames had gone to bed. J oey stopped by Connors
room to check on him and then joined me in the bedroom. He softly closed
the door behind him and gave me a devilish look.
Ready to do some consummating?
He walked across the room and pulled my shirt out of my pants, running
his fingers lightly up under it, tickling my sides.
Ready and willing. You know the partnership isnt legal until we make
love.
Liar. He ran his tongue up the side of my neck and grabbed my
earlobe between his teeth.
Its true. Didnt you read the small print? We have to go back
tomorrow and swear to the borough clerk that you gave me a good
pounding.
Hmm, that doesnt sound legal but maybe wed better not take any
chances. He ran his tongue around the inside edge of my ear, sending
shivers all though me, then plunged the tip into my ear. He reached around
behind me and grabbed my ass, trying to shove a finger into my crack
though my pants. Ill pound that extra hard, just to be sure. That okay with
you?
I ground my hips into his, pressing my erection against the bulge his
hard Italian salami was making in his pants, and he responded by pressing
his hand even harder into my ass. As hard as you like. We do want to make
sure its legal, after all.
We quickly stripped each others clothes off and fell onto the bed. After
brief though passionate foreplay, my love drilled me long, hard and deep.
So much so that later as I lay in his arms I wondered if I was going to be able
to sit at my desk the next day at work. We were both exhausted and our new
status was definitely consummated.
Many more nights like that and were going to have some explaining
to do to James algebra teacher. J oey giggled. If hes got old Miss
Thompson I dont think her heart could take the details.
I was up as soon as the alarm went off in the morning, although I felt
like sleeping until noon. I had an early appointment with Paul at his office
so I could give my sworn statement. I originally thought I wouldnt have to
make a statement since I knew nothing about J oeys in-laws or their
relationship with Connor other than what J oey had told me, but Paul
explained that my relationship with J oey was the central issue in the case.
Also, he wanted to ask me about my relationship with Connor. I gently
lowered myself into a chair opposite Pauls desk and he gave a knowing
smile when he saw my discomfort.
Thanks for coming in, Ben. J oey and his parents are coming by
tomorrow morning, separately, of course. Once I get all of these depositions
done Ill get a hearing scheduled with the family court.
What do you think of the case so far? This was the first time Id had a
chance to ask Paul without J oey being there and knew hed give me an
honest opinion without any sugar-coating.
I talked to both attorneys on the other side, the one who filed the suit
here and the one who the Reynolds originally talked to in Georgia. While no
lawyer is ever going to say anything negative about his client or his case, I
got the impression from both of them that theyre not expecting much from
this. Reading between the lines I got a bit of an idea where all of this is
coming from.
From all Ive heard they dont care about Connor at all. Maybe they
think that since J oey is gay he deceived their daughter so they think theyre
defending J enny by attacking Joey.
That could have something to do with it, but I think that they are more
concerned with their own image than anything else. J oey said that the only
reason they came to see Connor when they were here over the holidays was
that they wanted to appear to their friends and relatives to be caring
grandparents. So I think they filed this suit for the same reason, so their
friends and family around here will think they care. I get the feeling that
everyone on the other side is just going through the motions on this.
I didnt think my opinion of the Reynolds could be any lower, but if
theyre putting J oey through all of this hell just for appearances, thats
pretty disgusting.
Paul had me sworn in and then began to question me about my
relationship with Joey. I felt a bit uncomfortable at first, sharing these
personal feelings with my ex, but Paul wasnt interested in the juicy details
and kept the questioning on a professional level. He also asked me about my
relationship with Connor and I explained how Id gone from initially being
almost afraid of him to becoming completely enthralled with him. He also
asked a few questions about J ames and how he was fitting into the
household.
When we were done with the official part of the appointment I didnt
have time to stick around and talk. I was missing quite a bit of time from
work as it was. As I got up to leave, Paul came around his desk and gave me
a hug.
I want to repeat a couple of things Ive said before, Ben. First, youre a
lucky man to have found someone like J oey. Im happy for you. But hes a
lucky man, too. Youre very special. Second, I can tell youre nearly as
stressed out about this custody issue as J oey. Dont be. They havent got a
case. I assure you that everything will be fine.
*****
Joey
The closer it got to three the more nervous I got. I kept telling myself I
had nothing to worry about, but I was about to be interviewed by someone
whose job it was to decide whether or not I was a good parent. The doorbell
rang a minute before the appointed hour and I jumped. I opened the door to
a slim middle-aged black man about my height. He smiled and held out a
card.
Mr. Napoli? Im Charles Decker from DYFS. We spoke on the
telephone yesterday.
I took the card and shook his hand. Nice to meet you. Cmon in.
I closed the door behind him and took his coat. Connor was standing
behind me, hanging onto my leg. Mr. Decker looked down at him and
smiled.
And this must be Connor, the young man whos causing all this
trouble.
Connor held out his right hand and looked very serious as he shook
hands with the social worker. I reached down and picked him up, putting
him on my right hip. Mr. Decker looked back and forth between the two of
us.
Well, we dont need a DNA test to know that youre his father. Hes a
miniature of you. And quite the charmer, too.
He asked to see the house so I gave him a brief tour before leading him
to the family room where he took a seat. Can I get you something to drink,
coffee, tea?
A glass of water would be nice, thanks.
I left Connor on the couch and went into the kitchen. When I came back
with the water Mr. Decker was having a one-sided conversation with him.
He appeared to be totally at ease with a toddler. I sat on the couch, ready for
the interview to begin. I must have looked as tense as I felt.
Please try to relax, Mr. Napoli. Im not here to take your son away
from you. He smiled reassuringly. This is only a preliminary visit to make
sure he is in no immediate danger.
Well, I know you wont just take my word for it, but I can assure you
of that. And please call me J oey. Mr. Napoli is my father.
He smiled again. There was something comforting about this man.
Okay, and you call me Charles. Ill be meeting your father on Thursday so
it will make it less confusing only having one Mr. Napoli. I smiled back at
him, thinking about how confused he would be if he had to deal with all of
the Mr. Napolis in my family.
The interview, or interrogation as Id been thinking about it, wasnt bad
at all. Charles was completely at ease with discussing my relationship with
Ben and that put me at ease. I was used to the hesitation and uncertainty of
Anthony and Pop when it came to talking about Ben, as if they wanted to be
accepting but were unsure of what words to use. But Charles was very
matter-of-fact about it, as if he ran into families headed by gay couples
every day. I found I was able to relax and discuss my life as if it were just
that, my life, and not some strange existence that I had to explain or justify.
I had just reached the point in the story where my parents found out
about me when J ames got home from school. I introduced them and J ames
offered to wait in his room while we finished up.
Charles watched J ames as he left the room. If it werent for the age
difference Id swear he was yours as well, J oey.
You wouldnt say that if you saw his father.
I finished up the story of my coming out and then gave Charles a brief
recap of how J ames came to be living with us. Then it was time for J ames
interview. I went down the hall to his room and got him. I gave him a
hug and whispered in his ear, Relax, hes a good guy.
I left the two of them alone and took Connor to the bedroom. Id already
put some of his toys in there so we had something to keep ourselves
occupied with. I was feeling a lot better about everything than I had been
earlier in the afternoon. It seemed like no time had passed when Ben walked
into the room. I jumped up from the floor to hug him.
Hey, did you meet Charles out there?
Charles, is it? Youre on pretty friendly terms with the enemy.
Hes not the enemy. Hes just here to make sure were not ogres. He
was very reassuring when he interviewed me. Youll like him.
I only talked to him for a minute. He and J ames werent quite done and
J ames told me the two of you were hiding out in here.
He took off his tie and hung it on the rack in the closet, then went into
the bathroom for a minute. When he came back he sat down on the side of
the bed. Connor climbed up next to him. J ust then J ames knocked on the
door and stuck his head in.
Youre next, Ben. He came into the room.
Ben grabbed Connor. Mind if I take your pacifier with me, babe? We
barely had a chance to say hello.
Sure, go ahead. J ames can help me put away the toys while youre
talking.
I wanted to talk to J ames and make sure he was feeling all right after his
interview. Hed been spending lots of time with his therapist but he still
wasnt good about strangers. I knew Ben was offering to take Connor with
him to give us a chance to talk.
Are you okay, J ames?
Yeah, it was easier than I thought it would be. I wasnt sure how Id
react having to talk about the pills and being gay with somebody new, but he
was really easy to talk to. Turns out he grew up in foster homes so he knows
what its like having to change families, although he said he never knew his
real parents. He was pretty cool and understanding.
He seems to really like kids so that probably makes him good at his
job. I just hope we pass the test with him.
J ames got up from the chair he was sitting in and came over and sat next
to me on the bed. He put his arm around me and lay his head on my
shoulder.
Theyre not gonna take Connor away from you, Uncle J oey. They just
cant. Youre the best father Ive ever seen.
I keep telling myself I have nothing to worry about but I wont be able
to relax until this is all over.
J ames held me for a while and at some point I realized what great
progress this was for him that he was able to comfort someone else. Ben
came in after a while to let us know the interviews were over. We all went
out into the family room to say goodbye to Charles.
Its been a pleasure meeting your family, J oey. Ill submit my report to
the family court by the end of the week and then theyll schedule a hearing.
We try not to let these things drag on.
It cant be soon enough for me. This whole thing has shaken my world
and I wont sleep well until its over.
I wouldnt worry too much. My primary concern is the well being of
children and that obviously takes into account the families they are a part of.
From what Ive seen today, there is a lot of love in this household.
J oey and I know that but some people refuse to see it.
Im just an independent fact-finder here and Im not supposed to take
sides, but I have rarely been called in to check out such a normal, loving
family unit. I cant imagine that there is any basis for this case.
J ust the idea that Im gay is enough for some people to think Im not a
good father.
Well, be assured that that doesnt enter into it at all as far as Im
concerned. Or the state either. Ill probably see you all at the hearing. It was
very nice meeting you.
He shook hands all around and left. I felt it had gone a lot better that I
had envisioned. While he had been very professional, he had also been
understanding and compassionate, two traits I didnt expect from a
government bureaucrat.
*****
Ben
I was somewhat surprised by my interview with the social worker. Id
been expecting to have to be on the defense with him but instead it reminded
me a lot of my appointment that morning with Paul. In both cases they were
thoroughly professional, yet they both seemed understanding and on my
side. That was to be expected from Paul, but the social worker was a
stranger and supposedly a neutral government worker. We all talked over
our reactions over dinner and agreed it had gone well.
Was it just me or did you guys get the feeling that he might be gay?
Why, J ames? Did you feel like he was coming on to you?
Oh no, nothing like that, Uncle J oey. If I thought that I would have
been really uncomfortable. But there was just something, I dont know...
Ah, it looks like your fledgling gaydar is starting to kick in.
Gaydar? Whats that, Ben?
Lots of gay guys think they have a sixth sense of sorts about being able
to tell who else is gay.
You mean like ESP?
Yeah, but its probably less mysterious than that. Most gay people
have spent at least a little time in the closet, so we know what its like to
cover up and try to hide. So then we know what to look for in others.
Besides, it never occurs to most straight people that there might be gay
people around them so theyre not looking for anything. Were aware that
some people are gay so were always looking for signs.
Some guys are really effeminate so theyre easy for anyone to pick out.
Theres one kid in my class at school like that.
Dont be fooled by stereotypes, J ames. The most effeminate guy in my
high school class was also one of the straightest guys Ive ever known. Its
not always obvious. But I agree with your assessment of this guy Charles. I
thought he was probably gay as well.
J oey frowned. But he was wearing a wedding ring.
Lots of gay couples wear rings. I was going to suggest that we think
about that now that were officially partners.
Id like that. Maybe we can get them when we have our party to
celebrate. But I didnt see anything to suggest that Charles wasnt straight.
Maybe Im not really gay since I dont seem to have any gaydar at all.
Well, there was nothing obvious about him, nothing specific I could
put my finger on. Besides, you were a lot more emotionally wound up over
this so your mind was preoccupied and you werent thinking along those
lines.
Yeah, Uncle J oey. And dont forget, I hear the sounds coming from
your bedroom most nights. Take my word for it. Youre gay.

Chapter Thirty-Two
Joey
Wednesday morning it was my turn to go to Pauls office. I gave J ames
a ride to school and then Connor and I went to Millburn for my early
appointment. My parents were going to see Paul later in the morning and
there was no way I wanted to run into Mom. I was starting to get used to
Paul by then. It was the third time in five days Id been with him, after all.
Chad was just a distant memory by now. Paul was a completely different,
much more personable guy without him.
I gave my sworn deposition. It was getting easier and easier to tell my
story each time I had to go through it. Paul did a good job with his questions,
getting me to answer them in just the right words to make me sound like the
worlds best dad without sounding like I was blowing my own horn. When
we were done I brought up a subject that had been on my mind but we
hadnt yet talked about.
Ive been meaning to ask you, Paul, what is your fee going to be for
this case? I know for some things lawyers charge by the type of case and
some they charge an hourly rate. From what Ive seen and what Bens said,
youre really good at what you do so I would imagine youre not cheap. If
you win this case for me I dont really care how much it costs, but Id like
some idea so I can make arrangements. Ill probably have to make payments
over time.
Paul was quiet for a moment and looked a little embarrassed.
Have you ever heard the term pro bono, J oey?
I cant say that I have. It sounds Latin.
It is. Literally, it means for good. When lawyers use it they mean no
charge. I started to object but Paul held up his hand. Ive acted like a real
shit toward both you and Ben the past several months. I treated Ben
abominably and then was rude to you every chance I got. Let me do this for
you to try to assuage some of the guilt I feel over that. I know I cant take
back my bad behavior, but this is the least I can do.
But your time is so valuable and youre putting in a lot of it on my
case. Youve got to charge me something.
I make a very good living, J oey Youve seen where I live. Look around
this office. I can afford to give a little time for something like this. Not
charging you isnt going to hurt me financially and will make me feel
better.
I didnt like the idea of being a charity case but I didnt want to argue
with him. Ill talk it over with Ben and see what he says. I still think I
should pay something.
One other thing, J oey. I was wondering if there was someone outside
your family I could interview for a personal reference, someone who knows
you well and could vouch for you.
I thought for a minute. Well, theres Father Vittorio. He knows me
better than anyone Im not related to, but Im not sure hed do something
like this.
A priest would be fantastic! Please ask him and have him call me if he
has any questions.
When I got home I called the church and talked to Father Vittorio. I
began to explain to him about the custody case but Mom had already been in
to see him so he was aware of what was going on. He sounded like he
wanted to help but was hesitant.
Id certainly like to give you a good recommendation, J oey. As Ive
said before, youre a good man and a wonderful father.
Then whats the problem? I hear some reluctance in your voice.
Its just that Im not sure I want to be put in the position of having to
comment on your relationship with Ben, of opposing Church doctrine while
under oath. That is something Id like to avoid, if at all possible.
I thought for a minute. Well, Paul said he wanted a personal reference,
not an opinion on my relationship. Maybe we could have him just stick to
questions about me and not bring up Ben. You barely know Ben anyway
and the only thing you know about our relationship is what Ive told you.
That would be fine if your lawyer would go along with that. Id love to
help you out in any way I can.
We talked for a few more minutes and he tried to build my confidence
about the case. I gave him Pauls office number and he promised to call
right away and make an appointment.
As I was making lunch I realized that I was exhausted. My workweek
didnt start until the next day but I was dragging already. I knew that it was
emotional stress but that made me feel just as tired as physical labor would
have. Every day it had been something new. After eating and feeding
Connor, I took him to the bedroom so we could both take a nap. I think I
needed it more than he did. I cuddled with my boy and we slept.
Over supper Ben commented on how tired I looked.
Its not that I need sleep or anything. In fact I napped with Connor
today. But everything is getting to me. The stress has been building for a
while and I guess its just reached the point where I cant take any more. I
feel like Im tired all the time.
Im sorry, Uncle J oey.
Its not your fault, J ames.
But my being here just adds to your stress. You were having enough
problems with my dad before.
Yeah, I was, but I love having you here. Your presence actually offsets
some of the stress from your father. J ust like the custody fight is stressful
but holding Connor in my arms is comforting.
Well, as far as the custody suit goes, weve done all we can now, J oey.
The interviews and depositions are done. Its up to Paul and the judge now.
Everyone agrees its no contest so try not to let it get to you. Like Paul said,
its more of a nuisance than a threat.
I know. I guess its just that on top of everything thats been going on
with my family this has pushed me to the edge.
Maybe we should start planning our party so you can have something
to look forward to.
I am looking forward to that but I dont want to start planning it until
the custody hearing is over. At least Im going back on full-time at work
next week so that will leave me with less time on my hands. Of course that
means more time for Connor in day care and Im not crazy about that, but he
seems to be doing well there. And it means Ill be working at least a couple
of days a week with Vinnie, but when were busy that doesnt matter so
much. The best part is being able to get back to my design work, which is
what I like best.
J ust try to focus on fun things, babe, like the party and the bowling
tournament. The other things will take care of themselves sooner or later.
*****
Ben
After dinner I was going to spend a few minutes making sure I was
caught up on my tax work and J ames was helping J oey clean up in the
kitchen. I no more than sat down at my desk when the doorbell rang. I got up
and ran into J oey in the living room.
Were you expecting someone?
He shook his head and had a kind of, What now? look on his face. I
felt bad that he seemed to be anticipating the worst at every turn. He hung
back while I opened the door. We were both stunned to see his parents
standing there. Mr. Napoli took off his hat and looked a little apologetic.
Mrs. Napoli was looking a bit disheveled and out of sorts.
May we come in? Im sorry about just showing up unannounced like
this, but wed really like to talk to you boys.
Uh, sure, Pop. Come in. Let me take your coats. While I hung up their
coats J oey came forward and kissed both of his parents on the cheek, his
mother a bit hesitantly.
Is everything all right? Nobodys sick or anything, are they?
Everyone is fine, J oey, but things havent been right for a while now.
Im hoping we can start to fix that tonight. Pop had a determined look on
his face but Mrs. Napoli kept her eyes lowered. Id never seen her so
subdued.
Pop-Pop, Grandma! I turned and J ames was standing in the kitchen
doorway holding Connor. He was as shocked to find his grandparents on
our doorstep as J oey and I were. Mrs. Napoli looked up and finally smiled.
She rushed over to them.
My boys! You both look so good. How are you?
Im good, Grandma. And Connors always great. What are you doing
here?
Pop walked over to them and hugged J ames and kissed them both. We
came to have a talk thats long overdue with your Uncle J oey and Ben.
J ames looked a little uncertain. Okay, Ive got some homework to do
so Ill just go to my room and let you guys talk.
Wed like to talk to you some, too, so maybe we could do that later if
youre not too busy.
Sure, Pop-Pop. No problem. J ames went down the hall and I took
charge of the conversation.
Why dont we all sit in the living room? Can I get you something to
drink?
Pop looked at Mrs. Napoli. Maybe a glass of red wine would be good,
if you have any.
I went into the kitchen and poured four glasses. I figured if the Napolis
thought they needed a little fortification then J oey and I would probably
need some as well. When I brought the drinks to the living room, J oey was
sitting in an armchair and his parents were on the couch. There was an
awkward silence as I handed out the glasses and sat down.
Pop turned to his wife. Go ahead, Rose.
Mrs. Napoli took a small sip of wine and a deep breath. I realize now
that this whole custody suit is all my fault. I never meant for this to happen
and didnt realize that anyone would take what I was saying the wrong way.
You know Id never do anything to hurt you, Joey, especially when it comes
to Connor.
J oey just stared at his mother. He wasnt angry with her any more but he
wasnt ready to forgive her either.
She took another sip of her wine and continued.
While I knew that you had a point about J anice overhearing me at the
salon, I was upset with you for talking to me that way on Sunday. I thought
you were being unreasonable and irrational. I thought that maybe you were
having problems again like after J enny died. Your father kept telling me that
while you did lose your temper, which isnt like you at all, it was because of
what I had done. And then, this morning we went to your lawyers office to
make statements, or whatever you call it. After I told him again about
talking to Dave and Alice, he started asking me all kinds of personal
questions that got me mad. The way he put things implied that I thought you
were a bad father and that you didnt care about Connor. He actually had the
nerve to ask me if I loved you. I was about to tell him off when I
remembered everything was being recorded for the court, so I had to stop
and calm myself down. Then I realized that all he was doing was repeating
what Ive been saying the past couple of months in somewhat plainer
language. I saw how bad the things Id been saying were. I tried to convince
your lawyer that I didnt mean them but Im not sure I succeeded.
Paul isnt the one you need to convince, Ma. Its the judges opinion
that matters.
I know, J oey. Anyway, after we left the lawyers office I was so upset
with myself that I cancelled my appointment at the salon and went to see
Father Vittorio. Id talked to him before but I never really listened to him
when he tried to give me advice. I knew what the church said about the way
you were living so I assumed that hed agree with me. Except he didnt. He
says youve talked to him and hes convinced that you really are in love, so
he wont condemn you. He says that youre a good man and that I should
believe in you and try to understand. I know what a good man you are, J oey,
but I dont understand. How can two men be in love? It just doesnt make
sense to me. None of this makes any sense.
I know its different from what youve been used to all your life, but it
isnt any harder to understand than any other two people falling in love, Ma.
Thats all it is --two people falling in love.
Im coming from the same place you are, Rose, and this isnt easy for
me either, but as I keep telling you, I love our son and I want him to be
happy. This makes him happy. And the more I get to know Ben, the more I
am impressed with him. Hes a good man and Im pleased to welcome him
into our family.
I noticed Mrs. Napoli momentarily stiffen up at that but she took a deep
breath and tried to relax. She was obviously trying but it wasnt easy for her.
You both know how much I love J oey as well, but this is hard. All my
life everyone said this was wrong and now all of a sudden its not. But I
guess if everyone else can change then so can I. It just might take me a
while. She turned to look at me. Ive blamed you for all of this, Ben. My
J oey was a nice normal boy before he met you so I thought you must have
corrupted him.
Ma, I keep telling you that Ive always been gay but until I fell in love
with Ben I never did anything about it. Falling in love is not corrupting.
I know thats what youve said, J oey. And everyone keeps telling me
what a nice man Ben is. My brother, Anthony, Sal, my husband. So I must
be wrong about that, too. It seems like Im wrong about everything
anymore. I just dont know. She shook her head. Maybe we could start
over again if youre willing to try, Ben.
I would love to, Mrs. Napoli. Im sure we can do better on the second
try. After all, we both love J oey so weve already got something in
common.
J oeys smile was ear to ear. I just know youre going to love him, Ma.
Youll love having Ben in our family.
Mrs. Napoli gave a small smile and shook her head a little and gave a
slightly hopeless shrug of her shoulders. He doesnt even look Italian.
*****
Joey
I couldnt believe my ears when Mom admitted she was wrong and that
she wanted to start over again as far as Ben was concerned. Of course, it had
taken Pop, Paul and Father Vittorio triple-teaming her and the specter of
losing Connor to make her budge, but she was finally moving in the right
direction. Obviously still a bit reluctantly, but she was moving.
We made polite, only mildly tense, small talk for a few minutes and
then when Ben went into the kitchen for the wine to refill our glasses I went
to get J ames from his room. I gave him a ten second whispered recap of the
conversation on our way back down the hall. When we rejoined the family
the conversation revolved around him for a while. Mom and Pop were
concerned about how he was feeling, how his therapy was going, how he
was doing in school. He assured them that everything was going well and
that he was very happy with his new living arrangements.
I wasnt sure this was going to work out at first. I didnt know Ben and
didnt really want to know him, to be honest. It took a little getting used to
but were doing great now. Of course, I miss my family, but I stop by the
house a couple of times a week after school and see Mom and the other
kids.
Have you talked to your father at all?
No, Grandma. Ben and I ran into him one day but other than that I
havent seen him or talked to him.
I can handle Vinnie acting like that toward me, Im only his brother,
but I dont understand him not wanting to work things out with his son. Hes
being childish and stubborn about this.
Pop glanced sideways at Mom. I wonder where he gets that from?
Well, youll have to admit it was quite a shock to him, first his brother
and then his son. Maybe I could talk to him and make a difference. If he sees
that Im trying to understand, maybe he will, too.
It couldnt hurt, Ma, but hes a lot more riled up about this than you
were.
J ames was squirming a little as the conversation focused on his
problems with his father. He suddenly straightened up and smiled.
So did you tell them about Monday, Uncle J oey?
There was a long silence as everyone turned toward me.
Actually, I completely forgot. Before they got here I was thinking
about telling Pop at work tomorrow and then he could tell Mom.
Youre chicken! I cant believe youre afraid of Grandma.
Im not afraid, J ames. Its just that until an hour ago we werent
speaking. Actually, I was afraid and they all knew it, but I wasnt going to
admit it, especially in front of Mom.
So what is this news about Monday, J oey? Were speaking now, you
can tell us.
I took a deep breath. Well, Ma, Monday afternoon Ben and I went to
the borough hall and registered as domestic partners.
Domestic partners? Whats that? Mom looked at Pop but he shrugged
and shook his head and seemed just as lost.
Its a status the state came up with last year giving a few of the rights
of married couples to gay couples. I tried for a simple explanation that
didnt get tangled up in legal details.
But from what I hear on the news gay marriage isnt legal.
Its not marriage, Ma, just a step in that direction. Its mostly about tax
benefits and certain medical rights.
And this is official, like the whole town knows about it? Mom hadnt
made a complete turn-around yet.
Yes, its official, but no, the whole town doesnt know. I wouldnt care
if they did, though. Im not going to hide who I am or pretend my
relationship with Ben is less than it is. Thats part of what youre going to
have to get used to.
I suppose I will. Thanks to my big mouth all of Madison knows
anyway, so who am I to talk?
Then I suppose congratulations are in order. Welcome to the family,
Ben, officially. Pop raised his glass in a toast.
Everything got a bit more relaxed after that. Mom fussed with Connor
and asked J ames a hundred questions about school. Pop had a few
bookkeeping questions for Ben. I refilled my wine glass and sat back and
tried to take in what had just happened. Earlier when Id been feeling at the
end of my rope I could not have imagined that the day would end with Mom
and Pop here on the couch. Mom wasnt exactly comfortable and still
seemed to be avoiding speaking to Ben directly, but it was a start. I noticed
when she talked to J ames she didnt mention his father or say anything
about his being gay, but she was at least talking. Of course, she probably
hadnt had as strong an opinion against J ames in the first place since she
didnt believe he was old enough to know what he wanted.
After a while Pop started making noises about going home. He wasnt
much for late nights and I knew the whole evening had probably been pretty
stressful for him, the beginning at least. Mom and Pop got up and Ben
retrieved their coats from the closet. Mom turned to me as she was putting
on her coat.
I know this is late notice, but, as usual, your father and I are having the
whole family for Easter dinner on Sunday afternoon. We were wondering if
youd like to join us. All of you, I mean.
It was nice that invitation was coming from Mom this time, but I knew
it wouldnt be a good idea even if we hadnt made other plans. The trouble
at their anniversary party hadnt been due to Moms attitude, after all. Also,
that was the scene that pushed J ames over the edge and I didnt think hed
want to be reminded of that.
Thanks for the invitation, Ma, but weve already made plans to go to
Bens mothers house for dinner. Her eyes flared a bit at the mention of
Bens mother but she didnt say anything. Besides, it probably isnt a good
idea for us to show up at these family things until Vinnie and I are on better
terms, not that Im expecting that anytime soon.
What about you, J ames? Im sure everyone would love to see you.
My fathers gonna be there? Mom nodded. Then I think Ill stick
with Uncle J oey and go to Bens moms.
With the whole family there, Im sure your father will behave himself
and leave you alone.
Im not so sure about that. And its one thing for everyone to know
whats going on between us, but I dont think I could handle it if he rejected
me in front of everyone. Im just not ready for that.
Pop crossed the room and hugged J ames. We understand, son. Ill talk
to your father again although Im not sure it will do any good. Hes been
totally unreasonable about this whole thing. But you know youre always
welcome at our house. Your grandmother and I would love to have you stop
by the house to see us now and then when you get a chance. We miss you.
The rest of the evening I felt like I was floating on air. Finally,
something was going right. It had been over two months since Id moved
out of my parents house and Id had a few run-ins with Mom and I knew it
bothered me, but I didnt realize how much until today. Now that things
were getting better, it was clear to me how much Moms rejection of me had
hurt. But it was over now. Things were looking up.
*****
Ben
Friday afternoon it was drizzling when I left the office, one of those
cold rains that chills you to the bone. I picked up Connor at the day care
center and continued home. As I was waiting to turn left from Ridgedale
Avenue into my street I saw a slim figure with an umbrella walking toward
me. As she turned the corner I recognized her as Cookie, J amess friend. I
made the turn, pulled up next to her and hit the button to lower the window
on the other side of the car.
Hey Cookie, hop in.
She looked startled and jumped away, but then bent down to look into
the car. She smiled when she recognized me and moved toward the car. She
opened the door and hopped in.
Thanks, Mr. Donnelly, I was on my way to your house.
I figured as much. Wheres J ames?
I had drama club after school and J ames had a therapy appointment, so
were meeting at the house.
I pulled into the driveway and parked in the garage. I unbuckled Connor
from his car seat and we went into the house. J ames wasnt home yet.
Damn, its cold out there. It may be spring but weather like this can
feel worse than winter. How about some hot chocolate?
That sounds great, Mr. Donnelly.
Please call me Ben. I know Im twice your age but Im not that old.
J ames calls me Ben and so should you.
Cookie sat at the counter while I fixed the hot chocolate. I poured some
lukewarm cocoa into Connors plastic cup and put him in his high chair,
then filled a couple of mugs with the hot stuff and sat at the counter across
from Cookie.
So how is J ames doing in school? He doesnt talk about it much but I
know he was worried when he went back.
Hes okay, I guess. The kids all know hes gay now but nobody has
made any trouble over it. Now and then somebody says something a little
negative, but its not like he and I were part of the big social scene anyway,
so for the most part no one cares about us. They know hes having problems
with his family over it but I dont think anybody knows about the rest, you
know, the hospital and stuff.
The hospital and stuff, a very casual way to refer to an attempted
suicide.
So obviously youre okay with J ames being gay.
Yeah, I realized it last fall but I figured hed tell me when he was
ready. He was obviously having problems and knowing his father that
didnt surprise me.
Youve known him a while, then.
Yeah, since we were seven or eight. For a little while a couple of years
ago I thought maybe hed be my first boyfriend. I mean, hes so cute of
course I find him attractive. But hes never thought of me in any way other
than as a buddy and thats fine with me. There are lots of cute guys but only
one J ames.
How did you know he was gay?
He never gave any real indication of it before last fall, but theres this
new kid in school this year, J ared Winters. His family moved to town last
summer. Anyway, hes gorgeous. Blond hair, blue eyes, about six feet tall
and slim but sturdy, if you know what I mean. The first time J ames saw him
his eyes practically fell out of his head. J ames is always pretty quiet, but he
cant even speak when J ared is around.
If hes that obvious Im surprised others havent noticed.
J ames and I arent the kind of kids the others pay much attention to.
J ared is an exception to that. Hes on the swim team so hes popular but he
goes out of his way to be friendly toward everyone. Maybe its because hes
new, but he seems like hes a nice guy, too.
And he hasnt noticed J ames ogling him?
Oh, I dont think J ames is that obvious. Its just that I know him so
well so I can tell hes got the hots for J ared. J ared seems oblivious to it.
I think its cute, but I know how painful teen crushes can be.
Well, since he came out he can at least talk to me about it. Hes really
got it bad for J ared but he knows its hopeless so it doesnt bother him so
much. Dont tell him I told you, though. I think hed be embarrassed.
Theres nothing to be embarrassed about, but I know what you mean. I
wont say anything to him it. Thank you for being such a good friend to
J ames.
Theres nothing to thank me for. Hes a good friend to me, too.
J oey and I have been trying to be as supportive of J ames as we can be
and I think hes getting comfortable here with us, but its also important that
he have a friend his own age who accepts him completely. You knew him
both before and after he came out and I think the way youve stood by him
has probably meant a lot to him.
How could I not stick with him? Hes J ames.
J ust then J ames came in the front door. He came up behind me and
wrapped his arms around me in a hug. That surprised me. He had hugged
me a few times lately, but I didnt think hed be that affectionate in front of
someone outside the household. I smiled, realizing that he was finally
getting comfortable with himself and his feelings. He put his books in his
room and I poured him a cup of chocolate. When he came back he took my
place at the counter and I went to my office to do a little work. I stopped in
the doorway for a few seconds and watched him talking to Cookie. She was
right. There was only one J ames. He was cute, but that wasnt what made
him special. He was a sweet kid. Hed had a rough time lately but I hoped
that his life was finally on track. Nothing was resolved with his family, but
if Mama Napoli could turn around, maybe there was hope for Vinnie.

Chapter Thirty-Three
Ben
Saturday morning J oey went to work and I finished up my tax work.
There were still two weeks to go to April 15 but I was done, in spite of
everything going on in our lives. Maybe because of it. Id kept after
everyone to get me their information early because I didnt know how much
time Id have to work. After J ames finally woke up we did a little
housecleaning. J oey had been taking care of much of that when he was only
working three days a week, but he was going back to work full-time now so
it was only fair that we redistribute the chores. J ames volunteered to
vacuum and I went to work cleaning the bathrooms, never one of my
favorite jobs.
About halfway through, Cookie called. J ames found me scrubbing in
the master bathroom after he took the call.
Cookie asked me if I wanted to go hang out at the mall this afternoon.
Her mother offered to drive us over there but well need a ride home. Do
you think you or Uncle J oey could pick us up around four?
Id been planning on going over to the nursery when they closed at three
to check out the books. Due to the craziness of the past week I hadnt been
able to review the work that Pop and J oey had been doing. After a moments
thought I decided I could just as easily go a little earlier. I wasnt sure which
of his brothers was working with him, but as long as J oey was there I wasnt
concerned.
Im sure one of us can get you, J ames. No problem.
Great! Cookies mom is picking me up at twelve. Were gonna have
lunch at the mall so you dont have to make me anything.
Do you need any money? I knew that J oey had been giving him an
allowance but I wasnt sure how much or how he was spending it.
No, Ive got it covered. Were probably gonna have lunch at the food
court and aside from that I dont need any money. Were just gonna hang
out, not do any shopping.
J ames left a little after noon and I fixed lunch for myself and Connor. I
put him down for an early nap since we were going out at two. J oey was
expecting me at three but I decided to surprise him.
When I walked into the nursery the first person I saw was J ohn at the
cash register behind the counter. He looked a little annoyed when he saw me
but didnt say anything. He was taking care of a customer so I asked if J oey
was in the office.
No, hes back in the greenhouse.
Oh, well, I have some work to do in the office. When he comes in can
you let him know Im here?
He nodded and went back to his customer. I went into the office, set
Connor down and took off our coats. Id brought along his bag of supplies
and a few toys so in no time he was happily lost playing with a dump truck
on the floor. I sat down at Margarets desk and started going through the
files. I was preoccupied checking over the paperwork and comparing it to
the info on the computer for a while. When I looked up, J ohn was standing
in the doorway.
I just wanted to thank you for what youre doing here. I know Pop has
been pretty stressed out about the books and he doesnt need that at his age.
From the look on his face saying those words wasnt easy for him.
Im glad I could help. Its not much work for me, actually, just
checking up on what J oey and your father are doing.
Still, its important. Thanks. He hesitated. That doesnt mean Im
okay with you and J oey, though. I still think its wrong. Apparently its not a
phase with him and he seems to be happy, but I dont see how something
like this can be good for him. But its his life so I guess I dont have much
say in it.
Thats right, you dont. J oey knows what hes doing. And I know you
dont believe me, but it is good and will continue to be.
He shook his head doubtfully. I cant believe those assholes are trying
to take Connor away from him, though. No father has ever loved a son more
than J oey loves Connor.
Im surprised you feel that way. J oey said you thought it was wrong for
J ames to be living with us.
I do, but thats different. J ames is older and hes not J oeys son. Hes
confused and going through a rough time. I dont think your house is the
right place for him.
Obviously we disagree, and I think J ames would disagree with you,
too.
How is he doing?
Good, very good. We were all a little shaky at first, getting to know
one another. He had lots of stuff going on in his head, too. But I think things
are going well with the therapist and hes settling down nicely. Hes
hanging out at the mall with a friend today just like any other
fifteen-year-old. Hes a good kid.
J ohn nodded and for a minute looked like he was going to say
something else but then turned and walked back out into the store. I took a
deep breath and blew it out. That went a lot better than Id expected. He was
obviously tense around me and didnt like my relationship with his brother,
but he seemed resigned to it. I didnt think wed ever be friends or even
comfortable casual acquaintances, but it was still lots better than that run-in
with him and Vinnie in Angelos parking lot last fall.
I went back to work and finished going over the data J oey had entered
into the computer. He and Pop must have paid attention to me because there
was almost nothing I had to correct. I was just wrapping up when J oey came
into the office. Connor jumped up and charged at him. J oey scooped him up
into his arms and kissed him several times all over his face.
J ohn said you were back here. Youre getting pretty brave, Ben.
Not really. I was pretty sure he wouldnt attack me here in the shop.
Dont bet on it. This is where Vinnie went after me.
I brought Connor with me for protection. Besides, J ohn is not Vinnie.
Hes actually getting a lot better. I told him about the conversation wed
had.
Not great, but not bad either. Maybe theres hope for a ceasefire with
him. The last time I talked to him about anything other than business he
wasnt happy with the way I was living my life but seemed to accept that I
wasnt going to change.
I went over the work with J oey and showed him the few corrections Id
made. Then I took Connor home and J oey followed after closing up the
nursery. He decided to stay home when it was time to pick up J ames and
Cookie. He had things he wanted to get done and besides, if we all went to
the mall there wouldnt be room for everyone in the car on the trip home.
When I pulled up to the main entrance to the mall, J ames and Cookie
were standing just outside the doors talking to another teenager. He was a
little taller than J ames and slim. He took off his cap for a second and ran his
fingers through thick blond hair. I was looking at his profile and he looked
like a real hottie. His posture was relaxed and he was smiling, looking right
at J ames. Cookie was smiling as well, but J ames looked a bit dazed. He was
just staring at the blond. Cookie noticed me pull up and nudged J ames. They
headed for the car, waving goodbye to their friend. Cookie hopped in the
front seat, J ames took the back.
Did you guys have a good time? I looked at J ames in the rear view
mirror. He seemed a bit out of it.
Yeah, pretty good. There were lots of kids from school here today.
Cookie turned sideways in the seat so she could see both of us.
I glanced at J ames again. Like that pretty blond boy you were just
talking to?
He looked embarrassed. Even with his dark Italian coloring I could see
he was blushing. He just shrugged.
Yeah, that was J ared Winters. He is a hottie, isnt he? You should see
him in his swim team Speedo. Cookie winked at me.
J ames finally snapped out of it. All you ever think of is sex, Cookie.
Its not lady-like.
Yeah, like you dont think of things like that, but then, I guess youre
not trying to be lady-like.
Okay, so maybe I think of him that way sometimes, but at least I know
I dont have a chance with him and its just fantasy.
If you dont learn to talk when hes around thats all it ever will be,
J ames.
It wouldnt make any difference. Hes obviously interested in you. He
barely knows Im alive. Hes always hanging out with the popular kids.
Besides, hes straight.
How do you know? From what Ive heard and observed, he doesnt
seem to have a girlfriend.
J ames just shrugged again. Everybodys straight. Everybody but me.
He turned and stared out the window.
I glanced over at Cookie. She just rolled her eyes and shook her head.
*****
Joey
Ben and J ames were probably thrilled with the timing of Moms
softening attitude toward me. If she had waited another week, we would
have had to go to early Mass on Easter. While Ben wasnt crazy about any
Mass and J ames didnt like getting up at any time in the morning on the
weekend, late Mass was about the best they could hope for.
The whole family turned out for late Mass. Before we even got out of
the car I saw Anthony and Gina and their younger kids walking toward the
front doors of the church. Theyd gone in by the time we got there but Sal,
Donna Marie and their family were just arriving from the other direction.
We chatted for a minute and they went inside. It was a beautiful spring
morning and since all three of my guys were a little restless in church we
hung around outside until the last minute.
J ames! We all turned and saw J ames little brother Mike racing
toward us. He threw his arms around his big brother. Coming up the
sidewalk were their sisters and bringing up the rear were Rita and,
surprisingly, Vinnie. I couldnt remember the last time Id seen him in a
suit, much less in church. Lisa and Anna stopped for a minute and politely
greeted us as their parents caught up. Vinnie didnt even slow down or look
our way; he just kept right on going, staring straight ahead. Rita urged the
girls and Mike to follow after him, but she stopped to talk to us.
I see your suit still fits you, J ames. You look beautiful.
Guys arent beautiful, Mom.
No, but sons are. How are you?
Really good. Schools okay and everything is going really great with
all of us at the house.
Im so glad. Im still working on your father. At least I got him to come
to church today.
J ames made a face. He obviously wasnt impressed. J ust then Tony and
his girlfriend walked up and J ames turned to greet his cousin. Rita pulled me
aside. With her back to the others she pulled an envelope from her purse and
handed it to me.
Vinnies still against paying anything for J ames expenses, says he
wont support the unnatural life youre all living, but I managed to save a
little out of my house money each week.
I dont want your house money, Rita. Vinnie ought to be paying for
J ames.
Well, take this for now. We havent given you anything and its been
four weeks now. I dont expect either you or Ben to support my child.
Okay, but Im going to talk to Vinnie at work this week. This is his
responsibility.
It was time for Mass to start so we all went into the church. Rita saw
Vinnie off to the left and headed that way so we went to the right. J ust
before we sat I saw Mom and Pop on the aisle all the way up front, sitting
next to Uncle Angelo and Aunt J osephine. The service was quite
impressive, but then they always go all out on Easter. It was nice having
Ben with me, but convenient also. Since he didnt take communion, I was
able to leave Connor with him when J ames and I went up.
Afterwards, Ben and I waited outside the church while J ames played
with Connor on the lawn. I wanted to talk to Mom. Anthony and Gina came
out first and we talked for a few minutes. J ohn and Carla and their crew
joined us for a minute. They were stiff and formal, saying all of the
appropriate things but not meaning any of it. What a Stepford family.
Finally, Mom and Pop appeared at the door. Since they were nearly the last
to leave, Mom spent a minute talking to Father Vittorio. He turned, looked
in our direction and smiled. Then Mom and Pop came over to us and greeted
the rest of the family. I pulled Mom aside a bit.
Say Ma, I have a big favor to ask you. I was trying to act casual, like it
was old times, but Mom looked nervous.
Sure, J oey, Ill try if I can.
Dont worry, youre gonna love it. You see, Ben and I are bowling in a
tournament next weekend and we, I emphasized the we, need someone
to watch Connor. If youre not doing anything would it be okay if I brought
him over to the house one or both days?
Her eyes lit up and glistened. I thought she was going to cry. Oh J oey,
you know you dont have to ask. Ill be glad to watch him both days. I miss
my baby so much.
Great! Well drop him off around eight on Saturday then. I know I left
lots of his stuff at the house but Ill bring a days supply of things, just in
case.
We moved back over to the rest of the family. Ben gave me a
questioning look and I winked at him and smiled. Mom was much more
relaxed and animated, talking to the others. My bribe had worked.
Easter dinner with Gale and Sam was very pleasant. Ben kept telling me
how his mother had all of her big meals catered, but she had prepared
everything herself. It wasnt the big Italian feast I was used to, but it was
very good. J ames was pretty quiet but warmed up to them a little as the meal
went on. Afterwards, he took Connor in the den to play while we had
after-dinner drinks in the living room.
Your nephew is charming, J oey, so sweet. How is he doing?
Pretty good. Hes adjusted to his new living situation and has made
friends with Ben, so things are going good.
Any change with his father?
No, Sam, not at all, but thats not surprising. Im hoping he comes
around soon. Ben and I have talked and we wouldnt mind if J ames stayed
with us permanently, but that would be tough on him, I think. One of the
reasons its been so easy for him to adjust is that he knows its temporary.
Plus, if hes still with us after the summer hell have to change schools and
that would really disrupt his life.
Well, whatever happens Im sure you two will take good care of him.
You know, Gale, the past few days I was thinking about your offer to
talk to my mother. When she was so strongly opposed to my living with Ben
I didnt think it would do any good. But now that shes trying to adjust to
things, maybe this would be a good time.
Of course, J oey. Ill do anything I can to help you. She and I have a lot
in common and Ill be glad to share my experience with her.
As different as you and Mrs. Napoli are, Mother, I think it will be good
for you to meet. I think shes been a bit jealous of you.
J ealous? Why on earth would she be jealous of me? She doesnt even
know me.
Well, every time J oey mentions you, she tenses up a bit. As upset as
shes been with J oey the last few months, I think she also resented that hed
found a replacement mother in you.
Thats nonsense. I care for J oey a great deal and want to help him in
any way I can, but Im not trying to take the place of his mother.
We know that Gale, but Mom doesnt know you, so shes probably
suspicious. I think it would be great for the two of you to meet so she could
see that you should be allies, not rivals.
Yeah, how about we have the two of you and the Napolis over for
dinner to get to know one another? Then you could arrange to see her
one-on-one after that.
That sounds like a good idea. Im so happy that J oeys getting along
better with his parents, Ben. Anything I can do to help, I will.
*****
Ben
I thought everything had gone well at church with J oeys family. Even
with Vinnie ignoring us and J ohn and his wife acting so formal and distant,
it was the most pleasant experience Id had with all of them. It still wasnt
relaxed or comfortable, but at least it wasnt antagonistic.
Dinner at Mothers was much better. J ames was quiet but then, that was
typical of J ames. Even if he wasnt so shy I wouldnt have expected a
teenager to be excited about dinner with strangers in their fifties.
Later, when we were alone behind closed doors I expected that J oey and
I would discuss the days events. But of course, as soon as we got into the
bedroom and began to undress, we got distracted. As J oey took off his shirt,
I couldnt take my eyes off his smooth, muscular chest. Not that he had
bulging pecs or anything, but he was nicely built, very toned and what
muscles he had were well-defined. As he lowered his pants and boxers in
one motion, my eyes jumped down to watch his cock appear. It was slightly
swollen and rose up as I stared at it. I could just lay back and drink in the
sight of his body all night. He was the most beautiful man, the most
beautiful person, I had ever known. But just then I was more focused on the
body.
I lay back on the bed and pulled him down on top of me, kissing his lips,
parting them and sliding my tongue into his mouth. He pressed down onto
me; his hips, his chest and his mouth. We rolled around on the bed for a
while, alternately kissing, licking and nibbling various parts of each others
bodies. At one point he was back on top of me, leaning on his elbows. We
were so close our noses were practically touching and he looked down into
my eyes.
Make love to me, Ben, he whispered.
Are you sure? I didnt think you liked that.
Id only made love to him twice and he hadnt particularly enjoyed it
either time. The first time he was very uncomfortable and it had hurt quite a
bit. Wed tried it again a few weeks later and while it didnt hurt I still had
the feeling he was tolerating it rather than enjoying it. If he didnt like it, that
was all right with me. I was mostly a bottom anyhow and I loved having him
inside me.
Yeah, Im sure, baby. With all thats been going on lately I need to
have you love me, take care of me, be inside me.
Okay, as long as youre doing it for you, not just for me. You know
Im perfectly happy with you on top.
I know, and I love that, too. But right now I really need you to love
me.
I always love you, no matter what position were in.
I rolled us over and knelt between Joeys thighs, pushing them apart. He
bent his knees up, planting his feet flat on the bed, giving me access to his
most private place. I took the lube and put a little on my fingers. As I
reached under his balls I bent over and took his thick dick into my mouth. I
ran the tip of my finger around the outside of his pucker as I swirled my
tongue around his head. Gradually, I worked the finger into him, pushing it
in and out, going in a few more millimeters each time. I was in no hurry and
wanted to get him as ready for me as I could. I knew he was doing this
because he thought he needed it but I wanted him to enjoy it as well, if he
could. When I had my finger all the way inside him I felt for his prostate and
rubbed it. Then I started fucking him gently with it, sliding it in and out. At
the same time I went down on his cock, taking it as far into my mouth as I
could. With each thrust of my finger my mouth swallowed up his rod. It was
hitting the back of my throat but Id discovered early on that he was too
thick for me to be able to deep throat him. So I just concentrated on giving
the head and the first four inches of his shaft the best attention I could.
He was groaning each time I massaged his prostate and once I was sure
he was used to my finger I slid another one into him. He was so tight and his
hole was so hot. I kept twisting my fingers into him, trying to pry them
apart, trying to open his hole a little more with each thrust. I didnt know if it
is was my mouth on his dick or my fingers in his ass but I soon realized that
he was getting too excited, so I stopped sucking him and moved my mouth
onto his balls, sucking in first one and then the other. As I went back to flick
my tongue around his head I pushed a third finger into my lovers hot hole.
He groaned but I kept working it further into him, stretching him, getting
him ready for my rock-hard, dripping cock. I knew that he wouldnt have
any trouble taking me if there were some way to keep my mouth on his dick
at the same time but that wasnt physically possible. As I continued working
on his hole I applied a little more lube to it. Then I rubbed the precum
oozing from my cock over the head. I took my mouth off his dick, slid my
fingers from him and quickly placed my slick pole against his stretched
pucker and pushed it in until the head was buried. I looked down into J oeys
eyes and saw nothing but love there. He smiled and nodded, then pulled his
knees back against his chest. I let myself slide the rest of the way into him
until I was buried to the balls.
Do it, Ben. Make love to me.
I didnt need a second request. I pulled almost all the way out and then
began to pump into him, slowly at first but then faster and faster. The whole
time we never took our eyes off each other. I looked down into his, a little
smile on my lips. He wasnt smiling but he didnt seem to be uncomfortable.
He just stared up into my eyes, daring me to lose myself in him. And I did.
I knew that I was thrusting harder and harder into him and felt the
tightness of his ring grabbing my cock, milking me with its smooth, hot
grip. But it wasnt really about the physical pleasure my dick was
experiencing. It was all about Joey, my lover, my partner, my mate. I loved
him so much that nothing else mattered. He began to moan a little louder
and I reached down and took his hard meat in my hand and started stroking
it. He smiled and I felt his hand on mine. In less than a minute the two of us
working together brought him to the edge and I felt his hole clamp down on
my dick as he started shooting his load all over. Feeling his hot juice hit my
chest at the same time his ring was squeezing my rod was more than I could
take and I exploded inside him, shooting over and over again, filling him
with my love. He eased his legs down on either side of me and I lowered
myself until I was lying on him. As I kissed him my softening cock slipped
from him.
Was that all right, babe? I pulled back a few inches and looked into
his eyes again.
He smiled. That was more than all right. It was awesome. Exactly what
I needed. I love you so much Ben.
No more than I love you.
*****
Joey
I kind of surprised myself when I asked Ben to make love to me. After
two tries I already knew that it didnt do anything for me physically, that it
wasnt my thing. I loved any kind of physical bonding with Ben because of
what it meant, the way it made me feel inside, but there were so many other
things I would rather do with him in bed. But even though J ames was
settling in nicely with us at the house and Moms decision to try to be more
understanding was a huge relief to me, there was still a lot of stress inside
me. Even good change can bring on stress. And there was still the custody
battle. Everyone assured me that it was a sure thing, and deep down I knew
they would never take Connor away from me, but I couldnt help but have a
few fleeting panic episodes every day. So when we fell into bed Sunday
night, I was a bit overwhelmed and felt that I needed Ben to take charge of
things, to take care of me, to love me and make love to me. I needed him to
hold me and soothe me so completely, to make everything all right.
And did he ever. He was so gentle and patient, yet so firm and assured.
He took charge, prepared me for his love and did everything I needed him to
do. And for the first time it felt good. Maybe it was all of the preparation,
but it probably had more to do with all of the love flowing from his eyes into
mine, from his body into mine. Everything about it worked, everything
about it felt perfect. We were joined together as one on every level.
Afterwards we lay side-by-side, arms wrapped around each other.
There were so many things from the day that Id wanted to discuss with
Ben, but none of that seemed important right then. The only thing that
mattered was that we were together, in love and taking care of each other. I
knew that everything else would work out.
Monday morning I took Connor to day care and then went to work. Our
spring hours and expanded work schedules had begun. Since I was taking
Saturday off for the bowling tournament, I would be working all week. That
meant that Vinnie and I would be working the same days a few times a week
but it also meant we were busier so we wouldnt be in each others faces all
the time. Besides, I wanted to talk to him about J ames and I thought that
would probably go better on neutral ground with others nearby.
Shortly after lunch I ran into him in the greenhouse. He headed in the
other direction when he saw me.
Hey, Vin, can we talk a minute?
I dont think we have anything to say to one another.
How can you say that? Weve got J ames in common and I wanted to
talk to you about him.
You and your faggot friend better be keeping your hands off my kid.
Youre disgusting, Vinnie. You call us perverts yet the thoughts going
through your head are really revolting. I just thought youd want to know
how hes doing.
I can do without a personal report. You keep Rita up-to-date on things
and she passes it on to me. It sounds like hes doing okay, Vinnie admitted
reluctantly.
Yeah, he is. Hes doing good. Look, I know youre pissed at me, but
cant you make an effort to be a little more accepting of him? I know it
would mean a lot to him. He loves you, you know.
Im the one whos supposed to make the effort? What about him? Hes
just giving in to these urges hes got. Hes not even giving himself a chance.
And its all your fault. If it wasnt for the bad example youre setting, hed
probably at least try to be normal.
Thats a lot of crap, Vinnie. I know that there are all degrees of
bisexuals and some can choose to ignore some urges and concentrate on
others. That doesnt mean theyre not bi, it just means they can live a
straight life fairly comfortably and be happy. But from the talks Ive had
with J ames, hes pretty sure hes gay. He doesnt have any physical
attraction toward girls. Whats important here isnt forcing him to try to be
something he isnt, but helping him be as well-adjusted as he can be.
Being queer isnt being well-adjusted. Hes got to learn to be normal.
Okay, I didnt think wed get anywhere with this discussion but I had
to try. Youre too stubborn and I dont want to argue with you. But I want to
talk to you about your responsibilities toward J ames.
Im trying to be a responsible father but no one will let me.
Im not talking about forcing him to be what you want him to be, I
mean your financial responsibility.
I guess youve been talking to Rita. Theres no way Im supporting
your perverted lifestyle.
Its not for me. Hes your son. He needs food, clothing, pocket money.
Thats your legal and moral obligation.
Youve got a hell of a nerve talking about moral anything.
I decided to try another way since the ethical approach wasnt working.
You know, Vin, in cases of divorce where a father wont pay child
support, the courts can garnish his wages, take the money right out of his
paycheck.
He snorted. I dont know what kind of perverted fantasies youve got
in that head of yours, but were brothers, not a divorced couple. You havent
got legal custody of J ames and theres no court order making me pay
anything, so I dont know why youre even bringing something like that
up.
I smiled. No, youre right, I couldnt do anything through the courts.
But you forget, I take care of the payroll here. I can just withhold the money
on my own.
You wouldnt dare. Thats stealing.
Well, you could complain to the boss and let him decide. How do you
think Pop will feel about your refusing to support your son?
He was silent for a minute. He was obviously steaming but we both
knew how Pop would feel about that.
Okay, its blackmail but I guess Ive got no choice. Ill give you fifty
bucks a week. But it had better all go toward J ames.
Dont worry, Vinnie. Ben and I dont need your money. I know that
often when people say things like, Its not the money, its the principle, it
really is the money. But in this case, its the principle. J ames is your son. If
you cant love him and support him emotionally, youre at least gonna take
care of him financially.

Chapter Thirty-Four
Joey
Ben and I got ready for the bowling tournament Saturday morning with
mixed feelings. Wed both been looking forward to it as something fun and
normal in our otherwise crazy lives. We loved to bowl and a
tournament was something wed never done before. But Paul had called
early in the week to let me know that the custody hearing had been
scheduled for Monday morning. That was something that I was both
dreading and wanting to get over with. So the tournament was the one buffer
between me and the court date. Once it was over, I was staring the
possibility of losing Connor in the face.
We dropped Connor off at Mom and Pops a little after eight. Mom was
friendly enough to both of us but was still a bit stiff toward Ben. That was
going to take some time. We got to Hudson Lanes in J ersey City at nine.
Bowling didnt start until ten so the place wasnt very crowded. Ben had
long ago told me that gay people were rarely early for anything. Most of the
bowlers had apparently registered the night before at the host hotel so there
was only a short line at the registration table. When we were the next ones to
register I overheard the guy in front of me inquiring about signing up a
last-minute guest. I asked Ben what that was about.
Mike said that you can bring along a non-bowler as a guest for a
reduced fee. Since theyre not bowling and arent eligible for prizes,
basically all you have to do is pay for their meal at the banquet. Mike has a
new boyfriend who doesnt bowl whos coming as his guest.
An idea occurred to me. How about we bring J ames? Were the only
gay people he knows and we cant exactly bring him to parties or clubs to
see others. I swept my arm around the lanes. This is such a diverse crowd,
all ages, races, men and women. I think it would be really good for him to
see gay people like this, doing something he would consider so normal.
Thats a great idea. It will give him a chance to meet some gay people
in a non-threatening atmosphere. Do you know if he has any plans for
tomorrow evening?
Ill call him and find out.
Hes not gonna like you waking him up so early.
Too bad. We left him a list of chores to do and he said he was going to
the library to work on a paper this afternoon, so hes gotta get up anyway.
I called and woke him up, of course. He was groggy and didnt exactly
follow what I was saying but assured me he had no plans for Sunday. I paid
the extra fee as we registered. Ben and I went over the roster of bowlers to
see where we were going to bowl. I was on lanes seven and eight and he was
on thirteen and fourteen.
I thought we were bowling together. Is this a mistake?
No, this afternoon in the doubles event well be together, and
tomorrow in the team event well be with Mike and Scott, but this morning
is singles. Its every man for himself, so to speak. They mix everyone up so
you get to meet people that way.
I was a bit disappointed. Not that I had to be with Ben every minute, but
I hadnt been bowling much lately and I thought I might be a little rusty so I
was looking forward to Ben being there for moral support if my first ball
went into the gutter. It turned out I had nothing to worry about. They had
assigned us to lanes based on our averages so the people I was bowling with
werent any better or worse than me. There were two women on my lanes
and, while I didnt have any experience with lesbians, I warmed up to them
faster than to the men. I didnt have that much experience with gay men
either, but at least I knew the women werent after me and theyd know I
wasnt after them.
And my Ben was only fifty feet or so away. We bounced back and forth
a lot, watching each other bowl, checking each others scores. I actually
bowled quite well the first couple of games, comfortably over my average.
The third game was something else, though. J ust as it started I realized that a
guy on the lanes next to me was staring at me. A lot of guys were checking
out the other bowlers and I had assumed that some cruising would be going
on, but this guy was so obvious. He couldnt take his eyes off me. He wasnt
bad looking, maybe around forty with short blond hair and a slightly
receding hairline. He was maybe six feet tall and looked like he spent a lot
of time in the gym. At first I thought that maybe Id met him at one of the
parties in Maplewood and thats why he was staring, but he didnt look at all
familiar.
As I became more self-conscious my game deteriorated. I was relieved
when I finally finished bowling. My score for the last game was about ten
pins under average but I didnt care. As soon as I was done I packed up my
ball and shoes and moved over to where Ben was finishing up. I tried not to
look back to where the guy was, but spent the next few minutes being very
affectionate with Ben, making sure that it was obvious to one and all that we
were a couple. When Ben finished his game and suggested we go across the
street to the diner for lunch instead of eating at the alley snack bar, I jumped
at it. I knew it was silly to feel uncomfortable because of one guy, but I was
relieved that for the rest of the tournament Ben and I would be bowling
together.
*****
Ben
I wasnt happy with my performance in the singles event. I had two
games right around my average and one quite a bit lower. But the point was
to have fun and I was enjoying myself. J oey seemed to be doing all right too,
though he was a bit tense when he came over to watch me finish up. When
we got to the diner and settled into a booth he told me about this guy who
had been staring at him all morning.
Well, youre an amazingly hot stud. If you hang around gay guys much
youll probably find half of them staring at you.
He blushed and smiled for a second. Ive noticed a guy cruising me
here and there but this was pretty creepy. It wasnt like he was making eyes
at me or coming on to me, he was staring, just gawking at me. He made me
really nervous.
Some guys just dont have any class, J oey. Dont worry about it. Its
not like hes gonna attack you. Besides, were bowling together the rest of
the tournament.
The waitress came over to the table and we ordered our lunch. She was
just turning away from the table when J oey groaned.
Damn, he just came in the door. I know hes not following me but hes
making me paranoid.
I slowly turned and looked at the large number of people waiting for
tables. J oey explained which one was his stalker. He was a hottie, very
much my old type. He looked in our direction and immediately started
toward us. I think Joey and I were both hoping he was heading for the mens
room but he stopped by our booth.
Hi, my name is Rick Saunders. He looked down at J oey. Im sure
you noticed me staring at you this morning and I wanted to apologize. That
was very rude of me.
J oey mumbled something about it being okay and I introduced the two
of us to Rick.
Its just that you looked so familiar. I know, that sounds like a pick-up
line, but I mean it. And then when you got up to bowl I saw your name on
the monitor over the lane and I was wondering, do you have any relatives in
Madison?
J oey visibly relaxed, realizing the guy wasnt after his body, or at least
seemed to have another reason for his staring. Yeah, actually, my whole
family.
I knew it! It couldnt be a coincidence.
Why, do you live in Madison? You dont look familiar.
No, I grew up there but moved down near the shore in high school. I
live in Hoboken now. But when I was a kid in Madison, up until not long
before we moved, I had a best friend named Vinnie Napoli. He wouldnt be
your cousin by any chance, would he?
No, but I do have a brother named Vinnie.
Rick shook his head. Must be another one. My Vinnie, J oey and I
looked at each other when he said that, would be 39 or 40 now. I remember
that he had a couple of brothers but they were older than him.
Yeah, thats right. Hes 39 and Anthony and J ohn are in their forties.
Rick looked puzzled but then his eyes opened wide. Oh my God,
youre the baby! I forgot they had a little baby who was so much younger
than all the other kids. He nodded his head. Yeah, Anthony and J ohn,
those were the brothers. I didnt really know Anthony much but I remember
J ohn.
And you were Vinnies best friend? I cant imagine what he was like
as a kid. In my earliest memories he was already grown up.
I could imagine him as a teenager. He was a loudmouthed bully as an
adult and he was probably worse in high school. Now that J oey had some
common ground with Rick he finally seemed to loosen up.
Say, are you here with somebody? He looked at the crowd by the
door.
Nah, Im by myself. My doubles partner, my friend Deirdre, had some
errands to run so I was going to eat at the counter.
Then how about joining us? You can tell us all about Vinnies
adolescence.
His smile faded for just a second but then he nodded. Sure, that would
be nice.
J oey got up and moved into my side of the booth and Rick sat facing us.
He was back to staring at J oey.
I cant get over how much you look like him. Your facial features are a
bit finer and youre built smaller, but the resemblance is amazing. Im sure
hes changed a lot over the years, though.
Well, he is a lot bigger than me, and a bit hairier, too.
Yeah, he was bigger even then. I was just a skinny runt, a late bloomer,
one of the smallest kids in the class. I didnt discover the gym until after
college. Vinnie always beat me at everything we did so I called him Champ.
He was always there when bigger kids picked on me. He was my champion,
my hero. I was so totally hung up on him.
Vinnie can be a really good guy but I cant imagine him being a hero to
anyone, or a guy being hung up on him. J oey shook his head. Especially
now, I thought.
J ust then the waitress came by with our drinks so Rick ordered a chefs
salad while she was there. He looked lost in thought and a little wistful as
she left, but then he suddenly laughed.
Your brother taught me how to jerk off, J oey.
J oey had just taken a sip of his iced tea and nearly choked on it. No
way!
Yeah, I was an only child and a bit nave, but Vinnie had older
brothers. He said Anthony taught J ohn and then J ohn taught him. So he was
passed it along to me.
J oey shook his head. I cant imagine any of my brothers having sex
with another guy, especially Vinnie.
Well, Im only repeating what Vinnie told me about the others, but he
and I jerked off together all the time for a while. But it wasnt really sex with
another guy. There was nothing gay about it, at least as far as he was
concerned. He never even touched me and I didnt touch him, until the end,
that is.
And then? Dont leave us hanging here, Rick. J oey and I have to know
all the juicy details. I didnt know about J oey but I was storing up all the
ammo I could to hit Vinnie with the next time he mouthed off at us.
Well, like I said, we just jerked off together. We were fourteen and you
know what hormones are like at that age. I knew I was gay by then, but he
was so straight. If I hadnt been so infatuated with him, all of his talk of tits
and pussy would have been really annoying. So we did it but didnt talk
much about it. One time I did reach over and grab his rod just as he was
about to shoot and finished him off. I just couldnt resist the urge to touch
him.
Man, what did he do?
Rick laughed. He came, J oey. He never said anything about it but the
next time we were together and I tried to do it again, he just brushed my
hand away, so I didnt try to touch him again for a while. But then, one
afternoon a couple of weeks later we were hanging out in your parents
garage, thats where we always did it, you know. He brought out this
bottle of wine hed smuggled out of the cellar. Your father used to make his
own wine.
J oey smiled. He still does.
Anyway, we both got pretty wasted. Not that it took all that much. In
no time we were each pulling our pud. Like I said, it wasnt really sex. We
just had our pants open and were each strokin. But the wine had given me
the courage to try something I was dying to do. As Vinnie got close, I bent
over and took him in my mouth. I sucked while bobbing up and down on
him for about thirty seconds until he exploded in my mouth.
Oh, fuck, what did he do then? Ill bet he didnt handle that well.
Actually, Ben, he probably would have just fallen asleep when it was
over. Vinnie was probably even more drunk than I was. He was leaning
back with his eyes closed, but just as his orgasm was ending, the door
opened and J ohn was standing there. J ohn went ballistic when he saw me
going down on his half-conscious brother. He started yelling, calling us
both faggots. That sobered Vinnie up real quick and he pushed me off of
him and jumped up. He acted like hed passed out and I had taken advantage
of him. He started calling me faggot and cocksucker and all kinds of
names.
Now that sounds like the Vinnie we all know and love. I looked over
at J oey, who was mesmerized by the story.
Like I said, he probably wouldnt have made a big deal of it, but as
much as I idolized him, thats how much he looked up to J ohn. God knows
Im not making excuses for him but later I had to come up with something to
help me understand what happened next.
And that was...? I was nearly as fascinated by the story as J oey, but at
least I could speak.
Vinnie was in a panic and determined to convince John that I was the
bad guy. They were both standing over me and I was on my knees with my
cock and balls hanging out of my pants. Before I knew what he was doing,
Vinnie kicked me in the balls with all his might. I fell over but he grabbed
my shirt, pulled me up and started punching me in the face, calling me
names. J ohn joined in and between the two of them they beat the crap out of
me. By the time they were done I was barely able to crawl out of there and
make it home. I told my parents that some kids from out of town had jumped
me. I didnt want to take the chance that theyd find out what really
happened and why.
And what happened after that? After hed sobered up and had a chance
to think about it?
It only got worse, J oey. I thought maybe hed come talk to me,
apologize and suggest that I avoid J ohn for a while. I mean, wed been
friends practically our whole lives. But our friendship was over. He never
spoke to me again. Well, he did speak at me. Every time he saw me in
school he called me names - queer, pervert, cocksucker. Pretty soon all of
the other kids were picking on me, too. And I didnt have my champ to
defend me anymore. It was nearly the end of the school year but those last
few weeks were hell. Fortunately, my father got transferred and we moved
down to Freehold over the summer, so I didnt have to go back to Madison
High again.
The conversation came to a halt. Rick seemed lost in the pain of his teen
years. J oey was a bit overwhelmed at hearing of how his brother had treated
his best friend. With my opinion of Vinnie I wasnt shocked, but it was still
hard to believe someone could turn on a friend like that. The waitress
brought our food and we ate in silence for a while. An odd thought occurred
to me.
Now that I know what theyre capable of, I guess I should feel grateful
that my encounter with J ohn and Vinnie last fall wasnt any worse.
Ricks mouth was full so he raised his eyebrows in question. I briefly
told him about the run-in in Angelos parking lot.
Shit, I would have thought that they might have grown up a little after
all this time. Especially with having a gay brother.
Well, I just came out a few months ago. The family hasnt exactly
taken it well.
He spent the rest of the meal talking about his familys reactions to his
coming out. I was surprised he didnt say anything about J ames, but I
figured he had his reasons. Rick commiserated over J ohn and Vinnies
reactions and seemed to be less depressed than hed been when he finished
his story. When we got back to the bowling alley he left to go to his lanes for
the doubles event, on the opposite side of the house from us.
I cant believe Vinnie actually did it with a guy, J oey.
Well, he didnt really do anything. Rick did it to him. But still, that
story is a lot to process. How about we not talk about it until later? Id like to
just have fun bowling and not be thinking about family problems, if thats
possible.
*****
Joey
We both ended up bowling really well in our three afternoon games. I
had one average game and two very good ones. All three of Bens games
were well over his average. In spite of all of the time wed spent at the
bowling alley back home, wed never actually bowled together. Wed been
in separate leagues for most of the season and Id subbed a few times in
Bens league but never for his team or one he was bowling against. It turned
out that we did well together, not that I was surprised. We were good
together whatever we were doing.
We didnt hang around very long after the bowling had ended. I knew
that socializing was half the fun of tournaments, but I was anxious to see
how Connor had made out in his first long visit back to his old home. I think
Ben and I were both thinking of Ricks story as we started home. Neither of
us said anything as we took the Turnpike extension back to I-78. Wed just
passed through the tollbooth when Ben turned to me.
So how come you didnt say anything to Rick about J ames?
I guess after seeing what my mothers talking about me did, Im
super-sensitive about talking about others. Besides, its not my place to tell
anyone about J ames.
Yeah, I agree, but Rick may meet J ames tomorrow at the banquet.
Maybe not. After all, there are over 250 people at the tournament. For
the most part well all be sitting at tables. Isnt that what Mike said?
Yes, but theres a cocktail hour before the dinner and awards. A lot of
the focus of the tournament is on socializing, even if were concentrating
mostly on the bowling.
Well, if the two of them meet then J ames can tell Rick if he wants.
And what if Rick tells J ames about how his friendship with Vinnie
ended?
Im the last person to want to protect Vinnies reputation, but thats not
a thing any kid should hear about his father.
Youre right. I didnt think of that when we were talking to Rick at
lunch. Maybe if we run into him tomorrow one of us can ask him to not say
anything about that in front of J ames.
We were quiet for a few minutes again. I took the exit off Route 24 and
followed Main Street through Chatham, heading toward Madison. I decided
to ask Ben the question that had been on my mind all afternoon.
So do you think Vinnie is bisexual? How could he be having so much
trouble with me and J ames if thats the case?
No, Im pretty convinced that hes straight. You heard how Rick
described what went on between the two of them. Vinnie never reciprocated
and didnt even want Rick touching him, except when he was nearly passed
out from the wine. Lots of straight guys fool around with other guys at that
age. And Vinnie wasnt even fooling around, really.
Yeah, I suppose. Its still hard to imagine him masturbating with
another guy, though.
Ill agree with you there. Id love to know what goes on inside his
head, although he probably doesnt even know most of the time. And his
mind would probably be a pretty frightening place.
Hes never impressed me as the type to analyze things or deeply
examine his life. What you see is what you get in his case. Its all pretty
much on the surface.
That just means that whatever else is in there is buried deep down so he
doesnt have to deal with it.
Yeah, well, hes got to deal with J ames and me. Were on his surface,
not buried deep down.
I know. Maybe thats why hes not handling things very well. Hes not
used to that.
We stopped in at Mom and Pops place and picked up Connor. He
seemed happy, but not as happy as Mom. She was fussing over him and
positively gushing. She was even nice to Ben. We only stayed a few minutes
and I left Connors stuff there, since he would be back in the morning. Wed
only gone a few blocks up Greenwood Avenue toward Florham Park when I
saw a familiar figure walking on the left side of the road. I pulled over and
put down my window.
Hey J ames, get over here and get your skinny butt in the van. He
jumped and turned, then smiled and started across the road.
He doesnt exactly have a skinny butt, you know. Its developing into a
nice little bubble, just like his Uncle J oeys.
I gave Ben a disapproving look. Youre not supposed to notice things
like that.
Its hard not to with him living in the house, walking around in his
boxers all the time. At least he doesnt wear briefs.
Yeah, that would be hard to overlook. To tell you the truth, Ive
noticed his butt myself, even though I know Im not supposed to.
Not supposed to what, Uncle J oey? Fortunately J ames only heard the
tail end of that sentence as he opened the door and hopped into the back seat
next to Connor.
Er, nothing, J ames. We were just talking about bowling.
J ames went to his room when we got home and didnt reappear until
supper was ready. He was pretty quiet though most of the meal but finally
seemed to snap out of it a little toward the end.
So does this gaydar thing you were telling me about always work,
Ben?
No, like I said, its more like an educated guess, or a hunch.
Sometimes its just wishful thinking. Why do you ask?
Well, theres this kid J ared at school. He always comes over to say hi
when Im with Cookie.
Ah, the blond stud from the mall. Youve been getting gay vibes from
him?
J ames looked embarrassed. Yeah, hes the one. But no, I havent seen
anything that made me think he was gay. In fact, Ive been pretty sure that
he liked Cookie, since he always seems to enjoy talking to her.
So, whats the problem?
Well, I was at the library this afternoon and toward closing time I saw
J ared there. He came over and started talking to me. I was kinda surprised
because Cookie was always around when I ran into him before, so Id never
talked to him alone. Not that I can ever say anything around him. Hes so
gorgeous I feel like Im gawking at him all the time. But he came over and
said hi and talked a few minutes and then the library was closing, so we
went outside and he kept talking. I relaxed a bit and was able to at least
respond to him a little, and then he suggested we go get a Coke at the diner.
Sounds promising. What happened there?
Not much, Uncle J oey. We just talked some more. But I was glad the
table was between us. It was hard for me to not look at his body. I mean,
everyone knows Im gay now so I didnt want him to think I was after him,
but even so, hes really hot so its hard not to look. I just stared into his eyes
and that was bad enough. But I did manage to loosen up and talk with him
for a while. It was nice. He was nice. When we left he said that maybe
sometime we could hang out together again.
And what did your gaydar say?
Nothing. Thats just it. He didnt seem to be gay or interested in me
that way, but why else would he have wanted to hang out with me?
Because youre a great guy, J ames. Ben and I see that and love being
with you and were not after your body. Is it so hard to believe that someone
just wants to be your friend?
No, I guess not. Its just that I would love to be more than friends with
him so maybe thats why I think like that.
Well, dont push it, kid. Just get to know him, concentrate on being
friends. Im not saying that maybe something more wont develop, but you
cant force it and you could ruin a possible friendship. So just go with the
flow.
Hey, I know, Ben. Even if I was sure he was gay I couldnt see myself
making the first move anyway. But its gonna be hard hanging out with him
and not drooling all the time.
As long as its not too obvious that its hard. Ben finally succeeded in
making J ames blush.
*****
Ben
Sunday morning we took Connor back to the Napolis on the way to
J ersey City. J oeys mom was still at church so we left him with Pop. In spite
of her softening attitude, I was still a lot more comfortable with him. We
stayed for coffee and talked while, then headed to the tournament. There
was an accident on the Turnpike, which backed up traffic, and we made it to
Hudson Lanes only minutes before we were supposed to start bowling. In
spite of feeling rushed, we did good. Mike and Scott bowled well and they
thought that left our team in good position in the event. Neither J oey nor I
knew anything about how tournaments worked so we took their word for it.
I looked around for Rick but his team was apparently bowling on the
other side of the house so we didnt get a chance to talk to him. There was a
three-hour break after bowling before the banquet was to begin, so we went
home to change and pick up J ames. Wed considered bringing Connor with
us, figuring they wouldnt charge the guest fee for a 22-month old, but we
decided that he would be a handful in a large crowd. He wouldnt get
anything out of being there and wed spend the whole evening watching
him, so we left him with his grandparents.
By the time we got to the Hilton in downtown Newark, J ames was
visibly nervous. My teasing him that it was his coming out party probably
didnt help. After stopping at the check-in table in the hall, we went into the
ballroom. We looked around for a minute before heading over to the line at
the bar.
Everybody looks so normal.
Thats because they are, J ames. And so are you. Youve got to stop
thinking that way.
I know, Uncle J oey, thats not a good word. What I meant was that
youd never know most of these people were gay. They look just like
anyone else.
Now youre getting the idea, kid.
Holy shit!
J oey and I both turned in the direction of the voice. Rick and a woman
with long dark hair were standing a few feet away. Ricks mouth was
hanging open and he was staring at J ames.
Hey Rick, how are you? This is my nephew, J ames. J ames, this is
Rick. We met him yesterday at lunch.
J ames held out his hand but Rick seemed frozen. The woman next to
him elbowed him in the side and shook hands with J ames. Hi, Im Deirdre.
Youll have to excuse my rude friend here. Hes not usually a social clod.
Uh, sorry about that. Rick rejoined the living and began to shake
hands with each of us. He still didnt take his eyes off J ames. Youre
Vinnies son, arent you? You look just like him.
J ames looked shocked. You know my dad?
Rick took my hand last and I pulled him close and whispered in his ear.
Careful what you say about Vinnie.
Yeah, he and I were friends when we were kids. Looking at you is like
stepping back twenty-five years.
Wed made our way up to the bar at that point. When we all had
something to drink we moved off to one side. Rick explained that he and
Vinnie had been buddies when they were kids. J ames seemed a little
confused.
So what are you doing at a thing like this? He looked over at Deirdre.
Oh, Im gay, J ames. Deirdre and I are just pals.
Wow, Dad had a gay best friend when he was growing up? I cant
imagine that.
Well, he didnt know about me and when he did find out he didnt
handle it well. Rick looked at me for guidance, a question in his eyes. He
wasnt sure just what he was supposed to say. J oey and I couldnt very well
say anything but we were both ready to jump in if the wrong thing was said.
Not handle it well would very mild for the way Dad reacted to
finding out about me. Thats why Im living with Uncle J oey and Ben now.
You mean he threw you out?
Not exactly. J ames gave an abbreviated explanation of his living
situation, leaving out the overdose and the hospital. I was surprised he was
so comfortable talking about his family situation, especially in front of
strangers, but apparently he was making good progress with his therapist.
Rick was getting noticeably upset as J ames told his story.
What a fucking asshole! Excuse my language, but Ive been pissed at
him for twenty-five years. Id pretty much buried all of that in the past, but
hearing that hes still such a jerk after all of this time really gets to me.
Well, were working on him. J oey somehow managed to move the
conversation away from Vinnie back to the tournament.
After a while an announcement was made asking everyone to take their
seats for dinner so the banquet could begin. The buffet dinner was good
though it took forever for 250 people to serve themselves. Afterward the
speeches went on a little long but considering how many awards they had to
give out it wasnt too bad. J ames seemed to be enjoying himself though
every now and then I noticed he appeared to be lost in his thoughts. The
highlight of the whole thing, for J oey and me anyway, was when they were
giving out the awards for the doubles event. J oey and I knew we had both
bowled well, but we didnt realize how well. We placed third, which meant
we got trophies. Mike and Scott both acted pissed but obviously werent as
they gave us a standing ovation. Theyd been doing tournaments for a
couple of years and while theyd each won some money occasionally,
neither had a trophy. They teased us that it was beginners luck. They did
seem a bit happier when we found out our team placed sixth, good enough
to at least win some money.
J ames was pretty quiet all the way back to Madison. He didnt even say
much at his grandparents house when we picked up Connor. When we got
home J oey asked him what was wrong.
Didnt you enjoy the banquet, J ames?
No, I did. It was fun and a great experience. And Im really happy you
guys did so well and won trophies. But I keep thinking about Rick and what
he said. Dad couldnt handle finding out about him being gay, and while he
didnt come right out and say it, it sounded like their friendship ended over
that. So if Dad hasnt changed in all these years, what hope is there that
things will ever get better between him and me?

Chapter Thirty-Five
Joey
Monday morning, Ben, J ames and I were all a bit quieter than usual as
we had breakfast and got ready to go to Morristown for the hearing. I was
filled with apprehension. As much as Paul had told me not to worry, there
was no way I could relax. My life was on the line. More important,
Connors life was on the line. I knew that Dave and Alice cared nothing for
him. I loved him with all my heart and so did Ben. His place was with us.
When we got to the county courthouse a little before nine we were
directed to a waiting room outside the family court. We walked in and saw
my parents were already there. Across the room from them were Dave,
Alice and J anice, Alices sister. The two families were sitting there in
silence, glaring at each other. Paul had warned us not to say anything to the
Reynolds. We were all so emotional and it could get ugly really fast if we
started talking.
We took seats next to Mom and Pop and talked quietly among
ourselves, but none of us had much to say. I think we were all nervous, not
knowing what this process was going to entail and what we were facing. A
very well-dressed man with graying hair came in and went over to the
Reynolds
side of the room. He sat with them and they talked in a low murmur.
Paul came in a minute later. He and the other man stepped off into a corner
and spoke a bit, then he came over to us. He spoke very reassuringly as he
greeted us but just then a short, stocky man came in and announced that the
hearing was about to begin.
The whole set-up wasnt at all what I expected from having watched
trials on television. In criminal and civil trials, I suppose its important that
they be public. But in family court, the emphasis is on protecting the minors
involved, so almost no one was allowed in the hearing room. The plaintiffs
(Dave and Alice), the defendant (me) and our attorneys were asked to
follow the court officer. The others all had to remain in the waiting room
until they were called in as witnesses. I put Connor in Bens lap and went
into the hearing room.
The room itself was like a mini version of a courtroom. The judges
desk was in the front of the room, raised on a low platform. There was a
chair next to it, for witnesses, I assumed. And facing the judges desk were
two tables with chairs behind them. Paul and I sat at one and the Reynolds
and their lawyer, who was named Mr. Bruckner, sat at the other. Unlike
other courtrooms, there were no seats for spectators behind us. We sat there
in silence for over five minutes until a middle-aged black woman came in,
sat at the desk up front and introduced herself as Martha Washburn, the
judge.
I have been told that neither the plaintiffs nor the defendant have been
involved in anything like this before, so let me explain to you how this
hearing will go. This will be much more informal than the type of court
proceeding you may be familiar with. My only concern here is what is best
for Connor Anthony Napoli. As such, I will examine the witnesses. Your
attorneys will make sure your rights are protected, object when they feel it is
necessary and will be allowed to ask questions as I permit. I have read all of
the depositions submitted by both sides and the DYFS report as well, so I
am fully familiar with the situation and the facts of the case, but Id like to
get to know the people involved and have a few questions answered. Now,
well begin with the plaintiffs.
First Dave and then Alice got up and sat in the chair next to the judge.
After being sworn in, they were each questioned, mostly about their feelings
toward Connor and me, but also about their home in Atlanta and their plans
if they won custody. It was clear that they hadnt given much thought to
that, as they both pretty much indicated that theyd play it by ear. They also
werent sure how they would handle possible visitation by my family. I felt
sick to my stomach just thinking about them having custody of Connor. As
far as their feelings toward Connor, they said the standard lines you would
expect from grandparents. To me, the lack of feeling behind the words was
obvious; it was as if they were each reading from a book. I wasnt sure the
judge heard it that way, though. As far as their feelings for me, I think what
they were trying to express was distaste and disgust for my lifestyle. What
came through to me was resentment and hatred. They were still blaming me
for J ennys death.
Then it was my turn. The judges questions at first were mostly about
my job schedule and day care. She asked a bit about Bens schedule and
J ames
as well. She had all of the interviews wed done so she was familiar
with our living arrangement. She also asked me about my feelings for
Connor. I tried as well as I could to put my love for him into words, but they
sounded so inadequate. I was hoping she was just about finished when she
asked me a question that shook me.
Mr. Napoli, if I were to grant you continued custody, but were to make
it a condition of that custody that you terminate your relationship with Mr.
Donnelly and find another place to live, what would your reaction be?
What would you do?
I was stunned. It had never occurred to me that that was an option. Id
assumed that the two possibilities were that I would either keep custody or
lose custody, with the former much more likely. Being ordered to give up
Ben wasnt something I thought of as a possibility. I thought for a few
minutes.
Im not really sure, Your Honor.
Not sure? Keep in mind it would be a court order.
In that case, I think I would lean towards taking Ben and Connor and
leaving the jurisdiction of this court. Probably the wrong thing to say, but I
was under oath and couldnt think clearly enough to lie in any case. I looked
at Paul and he was shaking his head.
You would defy a court order?
Im usually a law-abiding citizen, Your Honor, but in your opening
remarks you said that your only concern was the well-being of Connor. That
is my only concern, too. I love him more than my own life and I know that
being with me is the best thing for him. Thats not my ego talking. Its just a
fact. He is a part of me and I am a part of him. Were very, very good for
each other. Every minute of every day that is obvious to me. And Ben is
good for me as well. He loves me, takes care of me and makes me a better
person. By doing that, he makes me an even better father. Plus, Ben loves
Connor. He doesnt just tolerate him or put up with him the way some
stepparents do. He loves him. And Connor loves Ben back. There is no
doubt in my mind that being with us in a loving, supportive home is the best
thing for Connor.
Neither lawyer had any questions for me so I took my seat at the table
again. J anice was brought in as the first witness. I guess the other side got to
go first because they were the ones who had filed the suit. The judge had
J anice repeat the comments Mom had made about me, J ames and Ben at the
salon. Some of it Id heard before, straight from Mom, and some I had
imagined, but it was still hard hearing that my mother had said such nasty
things about me and those I loved. When she was finished the opposing
attorney had no questions. Paul did have a few, though.
In the time that you have had appointments at the salon that coincided
with those of Mrs. Napoli, have you ever heard her criticize any of her other
children and their parenting skills?
Oh, all the time. Youd think she was the only woman whod ever
raised a child. She knows everything and no one else knows anything, to
hear her tell it.
You are Connors great-aunt, is that right?
Yes, thats correct. His mother was my niece.
And how much contact have you had with J oseph Napoli since Connor
was born?
Actually, today is the first time Ive seen him since J ennys funeral.
So you have no firsthand knowledge of the kind of father J oseph is, of
how he takes care of Connor?
No, just what Ive heard from his mother.
Thats all. Thank you.
Next came my witnesses. First was J ames. He was so nervous and
looked younger than his age. For the most part he looked down at the floor
and spoke quietly, but when he looked up I smiled at him, hoping to relax
him a bit. It didnt do much good but at least he seemed to be coming across
as shy, not disturbed. Ben came next. I could tell he was nervous as well,
though it wasnt as obvious. He looked into my eyes through most of his
testimony. I was moved when he spoke of his love for me, the way Connor
had stolen his heart and his growing affection for J ames. I only hoped the
judge was moved as well. Pop and Mom completed the testimony on my
side. Pop was quiet and steady. I felt tears welling up in my eyes as he spoke
of his love for me, and he praised me both as a good man and a good father.
Moms turn on the witness stand was probably the longest. First, the
judge asked her about J anices testimony, about the things shed said at the
salon. She didnt deny them, but apologized, saying she was overly
emotional and sometimes spoke without thinking. She made sure she told
the judge that she loved me and thought I was a great father. Paul asked a
few questions, getting her to emphasize my love for Connor and how well I
cared for him. The other lawyer went back to her comments from the salon
and stressed them. Mom was pretty flustered throughout her testimony,
alternately whining, sniffling, stuttering and fidgeting. Mr. Bruckner kept
throwing her own words at her. Mom finally exploded at him.
You obviously know nothing about me if you think I really meant that
about my own son. Ive said terrible things about all of my children at one
time or another, but theyre just words. My kids know me and know not to
take everything I say to heart. Im a very emotional woman and Im used to
getting my own way. I suppose you might say Im a bit domineering. Its
just that I love my family and want whats best for them. So sometimes I
push a little too hard, sometimes I dont realize that maybe they know what
theyre doing better than I do. But I do know that I have five wonderful
loving children and they are all excellent parents. Im proud of all of them,
especially J oey, who has been through so much. Hes a good man and a
great father.
The last person to testify was Charles Decker, the social worker. He
went over his interviews with all of us and then gave his opinion that our
home was a safe, loving, supportive environment for Connor and that he
saw no reason to move him from there. While most everyone had been very
supportive of me in their testimony, I was more nervous than ever. I was
sure Id screwed up with my last answer, admitting that I would probably
defy the court if the ruling went against me. I was also afraid that the judge
would take my answer as an indication that Ben was more important to me
than Connor. Even Moms apologies and raves about how good a father I
was didnt make me feel any better. Other than J anice, Dave and Alice
hadnt bought in any witnesses at all. It looked like what Paul had said was
true - that it was my lifestyle that was the whole issue to them and since that
was established there was no need to say any more.
That was proven when the lawyers gave their brief closing arguments.
Their attorney talked about the immorality that Connor was being exposed
to. He said that our relationship was not only decadent and depraved, but
unstable and probably temporary. I was horrified when he alluded to the
danger that Connor was in living in our house, implying that Ben, J ames or
I might molest him at any time. He didnt come right out and say it, but that
was clearly what he meant. Paul, on the other hand, focused on what a
wonderful loving father I was, quoting the depositions from Mom, Pop and
Father Vittorio. He talked about what responsible adults both Ben and I
were, our stable jobs, and our loving supportive families. I knew he was
stretching it a bit about the families, but I did have plenty of relatives who
were on my side, and some of the others were slowly moving my way.
It was a few minutes after twelve when the lawyers finished. The judge
adjourned the hearing, saying that we should return at two for her decision.
Dave and Alice and their attorney left the room first. When Paul and I got to
the waiting room, they were gone.
Okay, folks, lets get some lunch. Ive had reservations made at a
restaurant down the block. We can take our time and still be back in time for
the verdict.
I wasnt sure wed get an answer this soon, Paul. Is that a good sign?
Its a very good sign, J oey. In complex cases that could go either way
the judge often schedules a return session at a later date, so he or she has
more time to weigh the issues. But this case is so cut-and-dried, so obvious,
that she doesnt need any time. Shed probably made up her mind just
reading the depositions. The testimony today went all in our favor as far as
Im concerned, so you have nothing to worry about. Lets eat!
*****
Ben
The minute J oey and Paul disappeared into the hearing room Mrs.
Napoli got antsy.
I dont see why we cant go in there. Dave and Alice went in. Were
more Connors grandparents than they are.
Pop sighed. That has nothing to do with it, Rose. Theyre the ones who
brought the suit. Were just witnesses.
Well, I cant just sit here and wait. Im too nervous. Come on, Tony,
walk with me.
She headed for the door to the hall and Pop got up to follow her. As he
went through the doorway he turned, smiled and winked at us. J ames
grinned back at his grandfather, then plugged his iPod earphones into his
ears, leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. The woman
who was apparently J ennys aunt buried her nose in a magazine and ignored
us. Connor shifted around a bit on my lap getting comfortable and finally
lay his head against my chest, wrapping his arms around either side of me. I
put my arms loosely around him to hold him in place, bent my head down
and nuzzled the top of his head, rubbing my nose through his thick curly
hair. As I relaxed, I understood how J oey felt when he had Connor in his
arms. He had some kind of magic in him.
I lifted my head a bit and kissed him on top of his head. I love you,
Connor, I whispered.
J ust then a scraping sound made me look up. A fifty-ish black woman in
a dark suit was standing in the doorway watching me. She just stared at me
for a long moment with no expression on her face, then crossed the room
and went through the door that I assumed led to the hearing room. Pop and
Mrs. Napoli came back in about twenty minutes. About half an hour after
that, the man who had originally called the others into the hearing room
came out and asked Alices sister to accompany him inside. When she
returned about fifteen minutes later she just crossed the waiting room and
went out into the hall. She didnt come back. J ames was next and he was
practically shaking when he got up to go into the hearing room. I gave him
what I hoped was a reassuring smile. He was only gone a short while and
didnt look any more relaxed when he came back. Then it was my turn. I put
Connor in Mrs. Napolis lap and followed the court officer into the room.
The black woman was sitting up front and I realized she was the judge. I
took the seat next to her and smiled at J oey as I was sworn in. He looked
more nervous than J ames and me put together.
I was surprised when the judge started asking me questions. I had
expected to be examined and cross-examined by Paul and the other lawyer.
I had also been expecting the questions to be about my relationships with
J oey and Connor, and maybe James. Instead, she asked me about my
coming out and my past. I was glad she specifically said past relationships,
not sexual encounters, so I was able to talk mainly about my previous
ten-year relationship. I had to keep my eyes away from Paul as I talked. She
did eventually get around to J oey and Connor. Paul didnt ask any
questions. I supposed that meant he was satisfied with how Id come across.
The opposing attorney asked a few somewhat sarcastic questions that
implied gay relationships were shallow and based on sex. The judge cut his
questioning short and excused me.
Pop was next. He went into the room as I took a seat next across from
J ames. Connor looked content in his grandmothers lap so I left him there.
After a while, Pop came out and Mrs. Napoli gave Connor back to me as she
took her turn. A few minutes later, Pop got up and excused himself, saying
he was going to the mens room. He passed Charles Decker, the social
worker, in the doorway. Charles came over, shook my hand and took the
seat next to me.
Hows it going so far?
Your guess is as good as mine. I shrugged. Probably better since this
is old hat for you. Youre used to this.
Charles was about to reply when we were interrupted by a sob. I looked
up and J ames had his right hand on his face, and I could see tears running
down his cheek. I picked up Connor, moved over to the chair next to J ames
and took his hand in mine.
Whats the matter? Are you feeling all right?
Its all my fault, Ben. Im the reason were all here and Uncle J oey is
having all of these problems. You guys were doing just fine until I came to
live with you. Im the one whose moving in messed everything up.
Dont be silly, J ames. We told you before that this is about J oey being
gay and being with me. Your presence is a side issue.
But you guys are so normal and its almost like youre married. Im the
one who makes it a weird household. Im just a fucked up gay kid whos
fucking up your life.
Charles came over and sat in the chair next to J ames. He took J ames
other hand.
J ames, Ive been working with DYFS for over twenty years. Believe
me, Ive seen a lot of weird households and yours isnt one. J udge
Washburn has seen lots of horribly dysfunctional families as well. Shes
probably never had as normal a household as yours before her court.
How can you say that? Three gay guys and a baby? Thats normal?
More like a freak show if you ask me.
Well, were not the typical suburban family, J ames, but were pretty
good people. Hopefully, the judge will see that and not form an opinion
based just on our being gay.
Okay, guys, Im supposed to be an impartial witness here, but I think
maybe youd feel better if I told you a little bit about how I got into this
career and my experience with the courts here. My whole life has been spent
involved in this kind of thing. My mother turned me over to the state when I
was two. Ive never known anything about my father. So I grew up in a
series of foster homes, some better than others. I realized I was gay when I
was 12 or so and others seemed to pick up on it pretty quickly after that. I
was dumped by two sets of foster parents when they found out about me.
J ames looked at me and nodded. You were right, Ben.
Like I said, everybodys always been able to figure me out. I dont
know what it is. Charles shrugged. Anyway, I was headed for the
equivalent of a state-run orphanage, a real hellhole, when a gay couple right
here in town offered to take me in. State bureaucrats at DYFS thought about
it a long time, but they finally took a chance and approved the couple as
foster parents. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. To this day I
consider them to be my real parents. They are my family. I started working
for DYFS with foster kids right around the time the AIDS epidemic started.
A lot of children became orphans due to that and it was hard to place some
of them, so after a while I started bringing my work home with me, so to
speak. My partner Bernie and I took in five foster children and when the
state approved adoptions by gay couples, we adopted them. So you see,
thirty years ago the state said it was okay for a gay teenager to live with a
gay couple. And fifteen years ago the state approved of gay couples as
parents. So Im not just talking theory or opinion here. You guys have
nothing to worry about.
Although Id guessed that Charles was gay, his story surprised me. But
it made me feel so much better. He had actually experienced situations
similar to ours. Not identical, but close. J ames didnt seem quite so
reassured.
But its still up to the judge, isnt it? Every judge can make his own
decision. If this one doesnt like gay people, weve had it.
Charles smiled. Thats another reason Im so confident, J ames. Bernie
and I have had Judge Washburn and her husband to our house for dinner
many times. Shes quite familiar with and comfortable in a gay home.
Well, why didnt you tell us that right at the beginning? Thats great!
J ust then Pop came back in. Whats great, J ames?
Charles says Uncle J oeys gonna get to keep Connor, Pop-Pop.
Of course he will, J ames.
*****
Joey
We all walked to a restaurant on Schuyler Place about a block from the
courthouse. On the way there Ben told me about the conversation Charles
had had with them. I suppose it should have made me feel better, but
nothing was working for me at that point. Everything was done and in less
than two hours we would know the answer. In the meantime, I was strung as
tight as Id ever been in my life.
I ordered a grilled chicken Caesar salad but couldnt eat anything. I just
toyed with it and fed the chicken to Connor. The conversations at the table
were all over the place. Paul began by reassuring all of us that the decision
would be in my favor, but after that there seemed to be an unspoken
agreement not to talk about the case. Mom asked Paul how he knew Ben.
Paul neatly sidestepped the question, saying they were old friends who had
lived in the same neighborhood in Maplewood. J ames seemed more relaxed
than he had earlier, but basically tuned us all out. Now that he wasnt
worried about the verdict, he wasnt that interested in the conversations the
adults were having around him. He went off into his own world for most of
the meal. Ben asked Pop about the nursery.
Have you heard from Margaret lately? Any idea when shell coming
back?
I talked to her last week. She was pretty vague but Ive been getting the
feeling that she may not be coming back at all. Her sister is doing better but
is going to need long-term assistance. Margarets thinking about moving
down there to take care of her.
I guess you should start thinking about replacing her, then.
I was wondering, Ben. Would you consider coming to work for us?
You could oversee what were doing now and take over the work that Phil,
my accountant, does as well.
Mom looked surprised but kept her mouth shut.
Im flattered you think so well of me, Pop, but there really isnt enough
work there to keep me busy full-time, even if I took over the bookkeeping
that you and J oey are doing right now. Besides, I really like my job. And
you have a couple of employees who wouldnt be happy having me around
the place all the time.
Dont worry about my sons, Ben. I can handle them. But I understand
what youre saying. Its too bad. We seem to be working well together right
now.
I do have an idea, something you might want to consider. If you were
to hire my company to do your books you could request that I be assigned to
your account. That way youd get the full services of a large accounting firm
and the personal attention of a member of the family. Im not sure how
much it would cost you but I could look into it for you if you like.
Pop nodded as he chewed his sandwich. That sounds like it might
work. One reason I never looked into an arrangement like that before was
that I like to keep it all in the family, so to speak. I like the personal touch.
Between what Ive been paying Margaret and Phil, there should be enough
money in the budget for something like this. If you could get some
information for me, Id appreciate it.
Ill look into it tomorrow. Ben turned to Mom. Say Mrs. Napoli,
J oey and I were wondering if you and Pop had any plans for Saturday
night.
Wed been meaning to set something up for them to meet Gale and Sam
but with everything else going on Id completely forgotten so I was glad at
least Ben was thinking.
We have no plans, Ben. Why? Mom still wasnt comfortable talking
to Ben and seemed a little wary.
J oey and I are having my mother and step-father over for dinner and
wed love to have you join us. Since were all family now it would be good
for you all to meet.
I could tell Mom wasnt happy with the idea. She seemed to have as big
a problem with the idea of Bens mother as with Ben, but shed already said
she and Pop werent busy so she was trapped.
That sounds nice, Ben. Let me know if theres anything I can bring.
When the check came after everyone had finished, Pop insisted on
paying. We all walked back to the courthouse in silence. It was a few
minutes before two when we got to the waiting room. Dave, Alice and Mr.
Bruckner were already there. I could tell by the way Connor was walking
that he needed to be changed so I took him to the restroom. In a building that
old I hadnt expected a changing station in the mens room but there wasnt
even a flat surface to work on, so I carried him back to the waiting room.
Ben pushed a few chairs together in a corner and I went to work. I put the
dirty pamper into a garbage bag and handed it to Ben.
You cant say I never gave you anything.
Thanks, Ill remember that on your birthday.
I was cleaning Connor when J udge Washburn walked in. She glanced in
our direction and smiled slightly as she walked into the hearing room. Ben
took the garbage bag out to the mens room to dispose of it while I hurried to
get Connor dressed again. He had just come back when the court officer
came into the waiting room and looked around.
Please come into the hearing room for the courts decision. The
witnesses may come in and stand in the back of the room, but there will be
no talking. He looked in my direction. If youre ready?
I nodded and picked Connor up. Once we got into the room I decided I
probably shouldnt have him with me at the table so I handed him off to
Ben. He and J ames stood in the back next to Mom and Pop. J anice hadnt
come back after her testimony so that was it. Charles slipped in at the last
minute, gave me a smile and stood next to J ames. Paul and I and the
Reynolds and their attorney remained standing at our tables. J udge
Washburn waited until we all stopped moving around.
There are a few issues that have been raised in this suit and I would
like to address each of them before I give my decision.
First, there is Mr. Napolis homosexuality. The state of New J ersey has
a long history of not allowing sexual orientation to be a determining factor
in deciding custody cases. Ones homosexuality does not make one a good
parent or a bad parent. Each case should be decided on its own merits based
on the individuals involved. In this case, the only negative statements
regarding Mr. Napolis parenting were made in a public place by his
mother, someone who should know what she is talking about. However,
under oath she has stated that she did not mean what she had said and
testified that Mr. Napoli was, in fact, an excellent parent. That testimony
might be questionable if it werent for the fact that everyone else with any
knowledge of Mr. Napolis parenting agrees that he is a good father.
Then, we have the issue of Mr. Napolis relationship with Mr.
Donnelly. These two men have only known each other seven months. That
isnt a very long time. Also, the timing of their registering as domestic
partners is quite suspect. However, it is obvious to me that there are deep
feelings between these two men. They have been living together for nearly
half of their relationship and have been faced with many challenges but their
relationship has survived.
Last, we have J ames Napoli living in the house with the two men and
Connor. Being a teenager is not easy under the best of circumstances. J ames
has gone through a hard time coming to terms with his own sexuality and
facing strong opposition from his immediate family. It is a credit to Mr.
Napoli and Mr. Donnelly that they have taken him in and provided him with
a supportive home. He is a sensitive young man and, though he has
experienced many troubles, I do not see that he is any more or less stable
than others his age. He loves his uncle, has a great deal of respect for Mr.
Donnelly and obviously dotes on his cousin Connor.
There has been no evidence submitted to this court that Connor is in
any danger, either physical or emotional. Even if there were, I would not be
inclined to award custody to absentee grandparents who have shown no
interest in this child at all and who would take him out of state, away from
everyone he has ever known. But all evidence shows that Connor is in a
safe, loving home. Therefore, this court awards continued, permanent
custody of Connor Anthony Napoli to his father, J oseph Napoli.
Until the very end I hadnt realized that I was holding my breath. But as
she said those last words I let it out, took a deep breath and turned to face
Ben and Connor. Tears were running down Bens cheeks and my eyes felt
pretty damp, too. Ben came over to me and I threw my arms around him and
Connor and just held on tight for a long time. J ames quietly joined us in our
little group hug. When we all pulled apart I saw that Dave and Alice and
their attorney were gone. J udge Washburn was talking to Paul and my
parents. She came over to me.
Im sorry you were put through all of this, Mr. Napoli. Its quite
apparent to me that there was no case here to begin with and while in a sense
it was a waste of the courts time, Im glad we were at least able to confirm
your custody of Connor. You shouldnt ever have to worry about this kind
of thing again.
Thank you for being so open-minded, Your Honor. I dont think I
could live without Connor.
She smiled. Thats pretty clear, Mr. Napoli, but I dont think youre
ever going to have to try.
I thanked Paul, not just for being a great attorney and providing me with
a wonderful defense, but for being a good friend as well. I also thanked
Charles for his help. Mom and Pop both hugged me and congratulated me
and then excused themselves to go home. I was holding Connor and talking
to Charles when Ben and J ames came over to us. Ben put his arm around my
waist.
Cmon, babe, lets take our family and go home.

Chapter Thirty-Six
Ben
While J oey, J ames and I had been reassuring each other for weeks that
the custody suit would end in J oeys favor and we all believed it deep down,
it had still been a very stressful time for us all. It was only after it was all
over that we realized just how much. The three of us spent the rest of the
week breaking out into stupid grins and laughing for no apparent reason. It
was a pretty goofy time all-around. And Connor was at the center of it. Hed
probably never had so many hugs and kisses. He seemed a bit puzzled but
didnt object. It was so good to see J oey so happy. And I didnt think Id
ever seen J ames so relaxed around the house, although he still seemed to be
holding a little something back. He was smiling and laughing with the rest
of us, but now and then I caught him with a far-off look on his face. That
made sense to me. While many of J oeys problems were either over or at
least looking better, J ames still hadnt made any progress with his father. It
had to hurt when he compared how J oey was doing with where he was.
Tuesday, I called Mother and invited her and Sam for dinner. Id told
the Napolis that the dinner was already set up and crossed my fingers that
they could make it. It turned out that they did have plans for Saturday
evening but when I explained the situation Mother readily agreed to
rearrange their schedule. I stressed to her that this was not one of her society
competitions, just a down home family meal. Mother and Joeys parents
moved in very different social circles and the point with this dinner was for
everyone to meet and be comfortable with each other.
Saturday, J oey was working so it was up to J ames and me to get the
house ready. It was his job to do the vacuuming and I asked that he pay
special attention to the living room and dining room.
Dont forget your grandmother is allergic to dogs. J oey says shes
okay around them for a short time, especially if she takes Benadryl
beforehand, but theres no point in exposing her to any more dog hair than
necessary.
Uncle Anthony and Uncle J ohn usually put their dogs in the yard or the
garage when Grandma comes over. Is that what youre going to do with
Lula?
I think Ill just keep her in the bedroom. Shes not the outdoors type,
for long periods, anyway. Shes a big sissy like her master.
J ames laughed. I like it when you say things like that about yourself
but its not really true, Ben. I think youre a pretty regular guy.
Hmm, makes me wonder about your definition of regular, considering
youve heard the sounds coming from our bedroom late at night.
J ames blushed and giggled. Okay, so maybe youre a regular bottom,
then.
Bottom? Moi? And whered you hear that term, anyway?
Well, lets see, Becky calls you a bottom, Uncle J oey calls you a
bottom, and youve called yourself that a few of times. Its pretty
unanimous. No one has explained it to me in so many words, but from what
Ive overheard late at night I think Ive figured out what you all mean by it.
Now I was blushing nearly as much as J ames.
Since youre so smart I guess I dont have to tell you anything, J ames.
I stuck my tongue out at him. But seriously, if you have any questions
about gay sex dont feel shy about asking either J oey or me. General
questions, I mean. Were not gonna tell you the details of our sex life, but if
something is confusing you or bothering you, just ask.
Umm, thanks for the offer, but Im not sure Id feel very comfortable
doing that, right now, anyway.
Okay, I understand, but remember were available. Its not like youre
gonna be able to talk to your father about butt-fucking.
J ames turned bright red and choked. I was afraid that Id been too flip,
that my teasing had maybe reminded him of his problems, but when he
discreetly made an adjustment in his pants I realized that it was my use of
the term butt-fucking that had blown him away.
He recovered and grinned mischievously at me. Yeah, I guess you and
Uncle J oey are the family experts on that subject.
We went back to our cleaning. I was wondering how the conversation
had turned so swiftly from his grandmothers allergies to anal sex. I took it
as a sign that J ames was getting more comfortable with me that he was able
to talk, even joke, about things so personal.
After lunch and a little more cleaning I put Connor down for his nap.
J ames was in his room with the door closed but it sounded like he was on the
phone. When he came back to the family room he was acting nervous again.
Whats up, kid? Something bothering you?
No, Ben, but I was thinking, maybe it would be better if I didnt stick
around for the dinner tonight. I mean, this is a pretty important thing for you
and Uncle J oey, your parents meeting each other and all. I dont really
belong in the middle of it.
Dont ever think you dont belong, J ames. Youre as much a part of
this family as any of us. Besides, you know everybody whos going to be
here.
Yeah, I liked your mom and step-father when I met them on Easter and
of course I love my grandparents, but I guess Im being a little selfish. To be
honest I wasnt looking forward to spending the evening with a bunch of old
people, even ones I like.
So where were you thinking of going?
I thought Cookie and I could go to the movies in Madison and then
maybe get something to eat at the diner.
Well, I can see youd probably have more fun doing that. Its okay
with me but youd better run it by J oey when he gets home.
*****
Joey
I was pretty nervous about the parents dinner wed planned. To be
honest, I was pretty nervous about everything where my mother was
concerned. I was thrilled that she was finally making an effort to accept me
and my relationship with Ben, but we was still in the early stages and she
was still struggling a bit. Plus, Id noticed the expression on her face
whenever Bens mother had been mentioned in the past. She definitely
seemed to have a problem with Gale and I knew that when Mom got an idea
in her head it wasnt easy to change it. So it was important that everything
go right with the dinner.
In preparing the menu, I decided to avoid Italian food, even thought that
was my specialty. With Gale and Sam I didnt want to come across as too
ethnic. With Mom I didnt want to appear to be competing with her cooking.
So I chose one of J ennys favorite recipes --filet mignon with roasted
potatoes and broccoli in garlic butter. It was simple enough to prepare after
working all day but elegant enough for a dinner party.
I was a bit disappointed when J ames said he wanted to go out with
Cookie instead of joining us but I understood. Id been like an only child at
home by my teen years and I remembered lots of boring dinners with Mom
and Pop and some of their friends. When I was old enough Id skipped out
with J enny every chance I got.
I just want to make sure you understand that you are a part of this
family, J ames. And I dont just mean that Im your uncle and Connors your
cousin. I mean the four of us in this house are a family. Weve all been
going through some intense personal times together and thats united us in a
special way. We all love each other and take care of each other.
Yeah, I guess I realize that. Its taken me a while to get to know Ben
but hes a pretty good guy.
I smiled. Hes a whole lot better than pretty good. Remember that you
can come to either of us with anything on your mind. Even after you
straighten things out with your father and move back home, Ben and I will
always be here for you.
I dont see that happening anytime soon, Uncle J oey. My dad hasnt
budged at all since I came here.
I know, but dont give up on him. Hes still your father and I know hes
not a bad guy. The whole family is working on him.
So what time do I have to be in tonight?
Your curfew is eleven, you know that.
But its Saturday night. Besides, the movie doesnt get out until
nine-thirty and it takes a half hour to walk back here from Main St., even if
I only stop off at Cookies place for a minute. What if we run into some kids
from school afterwards and want to hang out with them?
While I understood that kids always want to stay out later than theyre
allowed, I thought it was an odd argument he was making. J ames always
made it sound like he and Cookie were social outcasts who rarely hung out
with anyone, but I didnt want to say that to him. If he was thinking more
socially that was a good thing.
Then youve still got an hour. But all right, make it eleven-thirty. Its
not that I dont trust you, but as you said its a long walk late at night and
youll be alone. Im not crazy about that.
I know, but Im not a little kid. I can take care of myself.
We planned the dinner for seven, with drinks and hors doeuvres at six.
Ben said his mother was used to eating late but my parents were early eaters,
so we tried to compromise. Mom and Pop arrived a little before six. I gave
them each a glass of wine and they sat in the living room and chatted with
J ames for a few minutes. J ames was just getting up to leave when Gale and
Sam arrived. He stayed to say hello to them but then left after giving both
Ben and me a hug.
I introduced the two sets of parents. There was a definite tension and
chill coming from my mother but it wasnt too bad. Ben got drinks for Gale
and Sam and I brought out a few small platters of munchies. We all settled
down and made small talk for a while, talking about lots of nothing,
including jobs, the weather, traffic, anything that wasnt personal. I think
everyone was trying to get a feel for the others. The two couples had
absolutely nothing in common except Ben and me and they didnt seem to
want to talk about us at first. When I got up to do the last minute
preparations in the kitchen Ben offered to give the folks a tour of the house.
Sam and Gale had already seen everything; shed decorated the place and
theyd both been here before. But they went along on the tour as I got the
dinner ready to serve. Wed put a baby gate in our bedroom doorway to
keep Lula in but it served the dual purpose of keeping Mom out; you
couldnt see the drawing of the exceptionally well-hung leather man on the
wall from the doorway. While Mom was trying to be accepting, that would
have been way too much for her.
When everyone was seated at the table and the food was before us, I
said grace. Ben and I didnt usually do that but I figured it couldnt hurt. For
a few minutes we were all busy filling up our plates but once wed started
eating I decided to break the ice.
As you all know, Ben and I registered as domestic partners a few
weeks ago.
Yes, Ben told us. Sam and I wish we had known in advance. We would
have liked to have been there.
Well, it was all kind of last minute, Gale. Besides, there wasnt any
ceremony or anything. And J oey and I had J ames and Connor there to
witness it and make it even more special for us.
Mom had been unusually subdued all evening but I could see that she
was starting to get agitated.
I dont see why you have to be so public about things, J oey. You keep
saying that your personal life is nobodys business but then you do
something like this.
This wasnt exactly public, Ma. It was just the four of us at the borough
clerks office. We wanted to make a commitment to each other and get a
few legal rights at the same time. Theres no need to keep that private.
Thats right, Rose, Gale added. Personal lives really are nobody
elses business, but its very common to share them anyway. Look at all that
couples go through when they get married. This is the same kind of thing.
Its something to celebrate, not hide.
Gales right, Mom. Look at when J enny and I got married. We had that
big engagement party, notices in the newspaper, the huge church wedding
and a reception with over a hundred people. It was personal, but it was also
something to celebrate and share with our loved ones.
But thats normal. Everybody does that when they get married. This is
different.
Sam cleared his throat. I know where youre coming from, Rose, but
its not really that different. Look at Ben and J oey. They love each other,
respect each other, take care of each other. How is that different from
married couples? J ust because theyre both men? They are two people very
much in love. You should be happy for your son.
Pop jumped on the bandwagon. Sams right, Rose. You know we both
want J oey to be happy, to have a good life with someone he loves deeply.
We certainly didnt expect that to be with another man and that takes some
getting used to, but Ben is a good man. The more I see them together the
more I understand how lucky they are to have found each other.
Mom turned to Pop. But what will everyone say, Tony? The Church
says its wrong, most everyone we know thinks its wrong. Its not going to
be an easy life for J oey.
Thats all the more reason why you should love your son and support
and accept him. I know what youre going through, Rose. Im a mother,
too.
But your world is different from mine. This is probably a lot more
common in your circle of friends.
Ill admit my social scene is probably more varied than yours, but I
grew up in a conservative middle-class Irish Catholic family, so my initial
reaction was probably similar to yours. Besides, Ben is my only child. By
the time you found out about J oey being gay you had several other children
happily married and tons of grandchildren. Im not saying that you dont
love each of your children as much as I love Ben, but hes all Ive got. His
well-being and happiness has always been the most important thing in my
life. An early concern of mine was also that his being gay would make his
life harder and I didnt want to see that, but I couldnt change who he was.
And once Id learned to accept it and love him unconditionally, I didnt
want to change him. I just wanted him to be happy.
Once our mothers began talking about the things wed put them
together to talk about Ben and I didnt want to interfere. As the meal
wrapped up, we left them to their talk and started clearing the table. In the
kitchen I pulled Ben into a hug.
I think its working. Mom is starting to relax and open up. Your
mother is doing great.
Yeah, and Sam isnt bad either. But your father is pretty quiet, though
what he has added was supportive. Hes okay with us, right?
Yeah, hes fine, thats just how Pop is. Hes been working on Mom for
a long time so now hes probably happy to let someone else do the work.
I kissed him on the lips, lightly at first, then a bit more passionately. We
separated for a second and I whispered, I love you so much, Ben.
We kissed again until I heard a throat clearing behind me. I turned and
our mothers were in the doorway, each holding plates and glasses. My
mother was looking very uncomfortable while Gale was smiling.
I thought you boys were cleaning up, not playing. Rose and I are
supposed to be enjoying a night off from this kind of work.
Can I help it if your son is irresistible, Gale? Give me those things and
go back to your husbands. Well finish up and bring in the dessert and
coffee.
Afterwards in the living room we discussed our plans for a party in the
spring over Sambuca and brandy.
J oey and I didnt want to plan a celebration of our commitment until
after the custody hearing, but weve been talking about it quite a bit this
week. Weve both got birthdays coming up in May so we decided to wait
until early J une. Thats the wedding month, anyway. And maybe Dad and
Lori will be able to make it by then.
Ben explained to my parents that Lori was his step-mother and that she
was due to have a baby soon.
Weve decided to have the party here at the house and by June it will
be warm enough to use the patio and backyard. Otherwise it could get pretty
crowded with everybody in here.
I can recommend a great caterer, Ben.
Oh, the boys shouldnt waste their money on that. My sister-in-law
J osephine and I can do the cooking.
Ben and I knew that would be the two mothers reactions and wed
already discussed the food.
Were going to do both, Ma. I have a couple of favorite dishes that you
and Aunt J osephine do a great job on, so wed like you to make them. But
we dont want you working all day so to give you a break and provide some
variety well have the rest catered.
We discussed the party for a while and it was getting on toward eleven
when Pop started yawning. Mom noticed and they decided to leave, but not
before she and Gale made plans to meet for lunch during the week so they
could get to know each other better and, as Gale put it, talk about us behind
our backs.
Gale and Sam left not long after Mom and Pop. Ben and I had just
started in the kitchen when the phone rang. I picked it up thinking it was
probably J ames calling for a ride home. It was Cookie instead.
Hi, J oey, its Cookie. Im sorry to be calling so late but I cant get
J ames on his cell phone. Is he there?
Hes still out. I thought he was with you. Didnt you two go to the
movies?
No, my grandparents were here for dinner tonight. I tried calling J ames
earlier and it went right to his voicemail and then I got it again a few
minutes ago.
And you dont have any idea where he might be? Did he say anything
to you during the week?
No, he just said you guys were having this big family dinner tonight. I
knew he wasnt looking forward to it, but he didnt say anything about
going out instead.
Well, if you hear from him tell him to call home immediately.
I was shaking as I hung up the phone and told Ben about the
conversation, although hed pretty much figured it out from hearing my side
of it.
Where could he be? Its not like hes got lots of other friends.
Calm down, J oey. Maybe he just went to the movies alone.
Im gonna go look for him. Can you stay here with Connor?
Hold on, babe. There are a few routes he could be walking home and
youd probably miss him. Besides, its nearly eleven-thirty. Didnt he say
hed be home by then?
Yeah, but he also said he was going out with Cookie.
I know, but hes a good kid. Im sure hell have some explanation.
But he lied to us. Thats just not like him. I thought everything was
going so well with him settling in here.
Well, obviously hes got something going on in his head, maybe
something hes not ready to talk to us about. Or maybe hes just being a
teenager, keeping things to himself without thinking.
Ben tried to get me back into cleaning up the kitchen but I was too
keyed up and ended up doing more pacing than anything else. Ten minutes
later I heard the front door open and leapt toward the living room.
Where have you been?
J ames had a little smile on his face and looked totally preoccupied.
When I threw my question at him he jumped, as if he hadnt noticed me
come into the room. He seemed a bit disoriented. Maybe it was paranoia but
my first thought was that he seemed high on something.
Um, what do you mean? I was out. You know that. The movies, the
diner, you know.
Cookie called. We know you lied about going out with her. He
winced at the word lied.
I didnt mean to lie, Uncle J oey. But Cookie was busy with her
grandparents and I knew youd want me to stay in rather than go out alone.
So you went all by yourself? That couldnt have been much fun. You
should have stayed home.
Um, no, actually. I was with a friend. I didnt really lie much. I did
what I said, just with someone else.
Who is this friend? Anybody I know? God, I sounded like the worlds
most overprotective parent.
No, you dont know him. It was J ared Winters. Hes new in school this
year.
Hes the one Cookie was talking about. Whats going on with you and
him?
N-nothing, Uncle J oey. Lately weve been talking more in school and
the other day when I mentioned I wanted to see the movie playing in town
he said he did too. Then he called this afternoon and suggested we go
together. Thats all. We just saw the movie and had something to eat at the
diner.
I was still pretty worked up. His explanation was simple and innocent
but first the lying and then the thought of J ames being out with some kid I
didnt know bothered me. Ben must have realized it because he put his hand
on my shoulder and squeezed a bit.
Why dont we all sit down and talk?
Im kinda tired, Ben. I think Im just gonna go to bed.
Not yet, J ames. I want to know more about this kid.
Ben tightened his grip on my shoulder. Let him go to bed, J oey. We
can talk in the morning.
I gave in and J ames said goodnight and hurried down the hall to his
room. Ben led me into the family room and got us a couple of brandies
while I put on some soft music and sat on the couch.
Well, I certainly didnt handle that well. I dont know where all of that
stereotypical overprotective parent stuff came from. I hope Im not like that
when Connor gets older.
You were just worried and maybe a little bit offended that he wasnt
honest with us. Dont beat yourself up over it.
Its just that I dont know why hed feel it necessary to lie. Weve been
so supportive and I thought he knew he could tell us anything. This was
really such a little thing, too. And maybe Im a bit concerned about him
hanging out with someone I dont know. Hes still very vulnerable, you
know.
I know, but you cant watch him every minute. Still, Im a little
disturbed that he thought he couldnt be truthful with us. I thought wed
made so much progress with him.
Ben leaned back against the arm of the couch and pulled me back
against him, the reverse of our usual position. I lay my head back against
him and we just sat there for a while, sipping our brandy and relaxing. We
talked a bit more, with Ben trying to make sense of J ames actions. Lula was
lying on the floor sleeping and out of the corner of my eye I saw her
suddenly jerk her head and look up. I followed her gaze and saw J ames
standing near the kitchen counter in a t-shirt and boxers. He still looked a bit
out of it.
He kissed me.
*****
Ben
I thought the dinner had gone well. It started a bit tense and awkward
but Mother was her charming best and seemed to win over Mrs. Napoli. I
wasnt sure how much progress any of us made in making her feel any
better about J oeys relationship with me but it seemed to be a pretty good
start.
I was surprised at how J oey freaked out over Cookies phone call. I was
a bit disturbed myself but knew that J ames was a pretty sensible kid and we
shouldnt have anything to worry about. Hed been in a good mood all week
so I wasnt worried about him doing anything crazy. His not being honest
with us did bother me, though. Id thought he trusted us more than that.
Maybe I took it a bit personally. I knew he trusted J oey so it was probably
me he still wasnt totally comfortable with.
After he arrived home safe and sound I thought that J oey would calm
down but he got even worse. J ames was a bit out of it and didnt seem to
want to talk, so when he wanted to go straight to bed I thought it was a good
idea. Some cuddling and some brandy seemed to help J oeys mood. I
speculated while we lay on the couch together.
You know, J oey, this is the kid that J ames has a crush on. Hes
probably embarrassed about that and doesnt want anyone to know. Hes
probably also confused about his own feelings now that J ared is paying
attention to him and being friendly.
Thats all the more reason to be concerned about J ames spending time
with him. He could hurt J ames without even realizing it.
I know. From what Cookie says, J ared is just a friendly guy and talks
to everyone. J ames might take his friendliness the wrong way and think
theres more to it, although I remember he insisted to Cookie that J ared was
straight and not interested in him at all.
Maybe he was just covering up his real feelings. He might not want to
admit even to himself that hes hoping for something that he thinks is
impossible.
Thats what makes teen crushes so painful. Hes got no experience
with relationships and wants something so badly but it seems so far out of
reach. Its something all kids go through, though it might be a little harder
for gay kids. Well just have to be there for him if he wants to talk about it.
But try not to badger him, J oey. Im sure hell talk when hes ready to.
I know. The way I reacted tonight will probably have the opposite
effect from what I wanted. Ill back off and let him take his time.
We sat for a while and when J ames appeared in the kitchen I was struck
by how young and innocent he looked. When he dropped his bombshell,
J oey reacted by sitting up quickly.
What?! When? How? What do you mean, kissed you?
Calm down, J oey. I pulled him back against my chest. Why dont
you go put on your robe and come join us, J ames? Would you like some hot
chocolate?
He hesitated, then nodded and went back toward his room. I eased out
from under J oey and went into the kitchen to warm up some milk. J oey
followed.
Lets just let him tell the story the way hes comfortable. No questions,
no pressure, okay?
I know. I was just shocked, thats all. Ill be good.
J ames came back a bit more covered up. I handed him a mug of cocoa
and we all went back into the family room. He sat in a chair while J oey and
I resumed our position on the couch. He took a long slow sip from the mug
and didnt say anything for a while.
Im sorry I lied to you guys today. I felt really bad about it but Ive
been kinda confused lately. Cookie keeps teasing me, saying Ive got the
hots for J ared and shes right, although I wouldnt ever admit it to her. But I
was realistic enough to know that hes just a nice straight kid whos friendly
to everyone. Its fun dreaming about him but I knew thats all it was, a
fantasy.
But you said he kissed you. I gave Joey a little squeeze to slow him
down.
Yeah, I cant figure that out. Hes been real friendly lately, especially
after I ran into him at the library. When he called today and asked me to go
to the movies I guess I fantasized a little about it, dreaming that it was more
than it was, like a real date, so maybe thats why I didnt tell you the truth. I
was embarrassed because I was being a silly kid.
Everybody has little fantasies like that, not just kids. Its a very normal
thing.
Well, it never happened to me before, Ben. Anyway, we had a great
time. The movie was so-so but we had fun at the diner. Usually, I dont talk
much around people I dont know well, but J ared is just so easy to be with
and talk to. The time just flew by. His family lives off Rosedale Ave., so he
walked with me that far. We stood and talked on the corner for a while and
then with no warning he grabbed my shoulders and pulled me toward him.
Then he kissed me, right on the lips. Nothing sexy, just close-mouthed, his
lips pressing mine. But then I opened my mouth without thinking and all of
a sudden our tongues were touching and it felt like I was going to explode. I
got aroused in an instant and was afraid he would notice so I pulled away
from him. Then he got all flustered and embarrassed. He apologized, said
goodnight and practically ran away, leaving me standing there confused
with a hard-on. Im afraid I really messed up.
Why? You didnt do anything wrong. Hes the one who kissed you.
Yeah, Ben, but it wasnt really any different from the way the guys in
my family kiss each other. I was the one who opened my mouth and made it
a sexual thing.
J ames, I know that sometimes the guys in our family kiss, but thats
not really all that common. And its not something that straight friends do,
especially when they dont know each other very well. And even though
youre the one who opened your mouth, you were also the one who pulled
away.
But what do you think it all means? Do you think hes gay or am I just
dreaming? Did I mess up?
He might be gay and attracted to you. Or maybe hes just curious and
youre the only gay kid he knows so hes testing himself. Its hard to know
whats going on in his head without talking to him. Thats what you have to
do.
Im not sure how to do that, Ben. I mean, hes the one who comes up to
me all the time. Im not sure I can approach him.
Well, it shouldnt be that hard to approach him. After all, you just
spent an evening together and you said hes easy to talk to. But if hes
feeling guilty about the kiss he might avoid you. Try not to pressure him.
J ust be yourself the next time you see him and play it by ear. In the
meantime, try not to obsess about it.
Easier said than done, Ben. You wouldnt believe all the stuff thats
been running through my head.
Oh, I think J oey and I can both imagine pretty well what youre
thinking. Remember, you can always talk to us. Dont feel embarrassed.
Weve both been there.
Yeah, J ames. Im sorry I came down on you so hard earlier. J oey
smiled reassuringly at him. So, putting aside all of these confusing
unknowns, how was your first kiss?
Oh god, Uncle J oey, it was awesome! It felt like my whole body was
tingling and my head was popping. I could feel my heart pounding like
crazy.
It sounds like you enjoyed it, then. Good. I know its hard not to make
too much of it, but remember that even if nothing more comes of this, it was
your first kiss and it was a good experience.
Yeah, and J ared is so hot. You should see him. Hes got the most
awesome blue eyes. And his body is fantastic! Everything about him drives
me crazy.
Whoa, boy! What did Ben and I just say about not jumping too fast?
Yeah, I know. But its still fun to think about.
He finished up his hot chocolate and got up. After kissing us both on the
cheek, he put his mug in the dishwasher and went back to bed. Joey let out a
big sigh.
So, are you feeling better now?
Yeah, I guess. Im still worried about him getting hurt, though. Do you
think hes going to be all right?
Yeah, hell be fine. As soon as he takes care of that not-so-little
problem that was causing his robe to tent out, anyway.

Chapter Thirty-Seven
Ben
All day Monday at work I was thinking about J ames, wondering how he
was going to make out talking to J ared at school. At the end of the day, I
picked up Connor and got home just before J ames. I didnt want to jump on
him as soon as he walked in the door so I held back for a few minutes,
chatting about nothing much.
So, did you see J ared today? I asked as casually as possible.
Only for a few minutes in the cafeteria. I didnt get a chance to talk to
him because Cookie was there.
You didnt tell her about the kiss, then?
No, I figured thats between J ared and me for now. Shes been teasing
me enough about going to the movies with him, referring to him as my
boyfriend.
Its probably a good idea not to mention the kiss to anyone. Even if
you knew for sure that he was gay you wouldnt want to out him.
I was thinking the same thing, except since everybody already knows
Im gay wont they assume he is too if he hangs out with me?
Maybe if they already suspected him, but otherwise I dont see why
people would think that everyone who talks to you is gay. They dont think
that of Cookie, do they?
No, but shes a girl.
Well, theres nothing you can do about what other people think. If it
doesnt bother J ared it shouldnt bother you.
I guess, though he did seem kind of nervous when he stopped by our
table today. Im gonna have to try to bump into him when were both alone.
I would have liked to talk to him after school but I had my therapy
appointment.
Hows that going now that youve cut down to once a week?
Good. Im not sure I need it at all anymore. Talking to you and Uncle
J oey is just as good as talking to Dr. Miranda.
Thats great to hear, James. Good that youre doing so well and really
good that youre comfortable talking to us. J oey loves you very much and
youve become very special to me.
He blushed. Yeah, youre pretty cool, too.
For the next few days I didnt question J ames about J ared. I figured hed
tell me when he had something to say. I didnt want to appear too anxious or
inquisitive. Thursday afternoon I got in from work and was surprised to see
J ames and a very hot blond boy on opposite ends of the couch in the family
room.
Hey Ben, this is my friend, J ared Winters. J ared, this is Ben Donnelly.
Hes my Uncle J oeys partner, so that sorta makes him my uncle, too.
Cool. Hi, Mr. Donnelly, nice to meet you. He got to his feet and held
out his hand. I set Connor down on the floor and shook hands with him,
trying not to get lost in his awesome blue eyes, as J ames had described
them.
Please call me Ben. Its good to meet you, too. I saw you at the mall a
few weeks ago and both J ames and Cookie have had good things to say
about you.
He blushed and sat down again. Connor climbed up on the couch next to
him.
Thanks, and who is this?
Thats my little cuz, Connor.
J ames got up, helped Connor get his jacket off and put it away in the
closet. I left the boys and went to my room to change. When I came back I
noticed the guys each had about half a glass of soda so I poured myself some
seltzer and some juice for Connor. While I was doing that J oey came in
from work so I poured a glass of seltzer for him as well. I heard J ames
making the introductions. When I went into the family room, set the glasses
down and kissed J oey. I turned and noticed J ared was gawking at us.
Youll get used to that if you hang around here much, J ared. Theyre a
couple of horndogs who are all over each other all the time.
And you wouldnt have it any other way, would you, J ames?
Nah, Im happy for you, Uncle J oey. Besides, youre a pretty hot
couple.
J ared still looked a little uncomfortable, though he couldnt take his
eyes off J oey and me. J oey picked up Connor, looked at me and nodded
down the hall. We excused ourselves and went to our bedroom.
Whats up, J oe? Something you want to discuss?
No, I just wanted to leave the two of them alone without saying so.
They dont need a couple of chaperones. So whats going on with them?
I dont know. Well have to wait until J ared leaves to ask J ames, but it
looks like everything is good.
We played with Connor for a while and then it was time to start dinner,
so we went back to the kitchen.
Would you like to stay and eat with us, J ared?
Uh, thanks, J oey, but my parents are expecting me. I should be going.
I offered to give him a ride home and J ames went with me, As soon as
we dropped him off at his house I was all over J ames.
So whats going on? Is he gay?
Wait until we get home, Ben. I dont want to have to go through the
whole story twice. You know Uncle J oeys gonna want to hear everything,
too.
You are a real tease, J ames. I hope youre not teasing J ared like this.
It was only a two-minute ride home so I didnt have long to wait. J oey
dropped everything when we walked in and we sat J ames down for the
story.
I dont really have much news for you, guys. Basically, he said hes
not sure if hes gay or not, but he likes me and wants to be friends.
Not sure? But he kissed you.
Yeah, he said hed wanted to do that all evening but he wasnt sure
how Id react. Then when I pulled away he thought hed screwed up. Thats
why he was nervous Monday. Plus, like I said, hes not even sure if hes
gay, so hes a little confused.
It sounds like hes gay but having trouble coming to terms with it. Or
maybe he really is just curious. What do you think about it, J ames?
Im not sure, Uncle J oey. I do like him a lot, aside from how hot he is.
I think Id like to be friends with him even if thats as far as it goes. If hes
straight and just curious, I could handle just being friends, but if he wants to
fool around, just kind of experiment, you know, Im not sure I could do that.
I mean, Id love to fool around with him, but if hes just gonna stop at some
point cause hes had enough and his curiositys been satisfied, I dont think
I could take that.
So youre saying that you dont want him to use you to figure himself
out even if it means having some fun along the way? I knew all about teen
hormones and how horny you could be at that age.
Yeah. I dont think hed use me on purpose, but if hes confused he
might not look at it like that. If hes gay and wants to go out with me, you
know, like be boyfriends, thats different. Im not sure Im ready for that
either but thats the kind of thing Id like to try. He hesitated a minute.
And hes sooo hot, isnt he?
J oey and I both agreed that J ared certainly was a hottie. J ames seemed
to be handling the situation pretty well and we didnt want him to obsess
about it so we dropped the subject and moved on to other things. Later that
night as J oey and I were getting ready for bed we talked a little more about
it. We were both concerned that J ames might not be ready for this, whether
the situation with J ared turned out to be a tease or a relationship, but there
really wasnt much we could do about it other than be there for J ames.
Youll have to admit that the thought of J ames and J ared making it
sure is hot, J oey.
Hey, the only Napoli youre supposed to be thinking about like that is
this one right here.
You know Im constantly thinking about you that way, babe.
I went into the bathroom for a few minutes before coming back for what
I was hoping would be some quality time with my very own hot Napoli.
When I returned J oey was naked, sitting on the corner of the foot of our bed,
slowly stroking his thick piece of meat, a devilish look in his eye. He
crooked a finger in my direction, indicating he wanted me to come toward
him. No problem there. As I approached he spread his legs and I stepped in
between them. I could tell from the sheen that hed apparently lubed up his
cock and he kept lightly stroking it. He leaned toward me and flicked his
tongue at the head of my cock, which had started swelling as soon as Id
entered the room.
He sucked me for several minutes, one hand playing with my balls, the
other with my hole. Finally he pulled his mouth off my dick and pushed me
back a bit, drawing his legs together. He then grabbed my cock as if it were
a handle and used it to pull me back toward him. This time I was straddling
his legs, standing over his thighs. He sucked me again for a few minutes and
then sat up, using the hand with a finger up my ass to pull me tight against
him, my throbbing dick pressed against his chest. He wrapped his arms
around me and reached up, putting his hands on my shoulders from the back
and exerted some downward pressure.
Sit, babe. Sit on it.
No dummy, I got the idea immediately. As I lowered myself, I reached
behind me for his cock. I held it upright until it was nestled in the crack of
my ass, then I rotated my hips a bit, letting it go deeper rubbing around my
pucker until the head was lodged against my slightly relaxed hole. I kept
pushing just a bit, working it until the head had opened me a bit more and
was inside my ring. J oey tilted his head up as I looked down into his eyes.
Then I took a deep breath and as I let it out, in one smooth movement I sat
down, completely impaling myself on his thick rod. I kissed him, swirling
my tongue around his mouth as I moved my hips around his lap, feeling his
dick rearrange my insides.
I pulled my mouth off him and he gasped, God, you are so tight and hot
inside. I almost came just entering you.
You aint seen nothing yet, J oey.
With that I slowly lifted up until just his head was still gripped by my
butt and then lowered myself onto him again. I repeated that motion over
and over again, picking up speed each time. In no time I was ramming
myself down onto him with all my might while he thrust himself up into me
as hard as he could. I was riding a bucking bronco, my very own Italian
stallion, and I was loving every second of it. Each thrust down pressed
against my prostate, forcing precum up out of my dick, oozing down over
my shaft, which was sliding against J oeys abs and chest. Our moans,
groans, gasps and grunts were punctuated by my cries of Fuck me! and
Harder! and Joeys shouts of Take it! and Ride me! We were both
totally out of control and I dont know how long we kept at it. At last I felt
like my whole body was going to explode. I felt the familiar tightening up in
my balls and my head was so sensitive I felt like screaming, then my dick
began erupting, shooting geyser after geyser of hot cum between us. I
clamped my ring down tight on Joey and he exploded inside me. I continued
to ride him, milking every last drop out of him. He finally fell over
backwards onto the bed and I collapsed on top of him, panting, trying to
catch my breath. We just lay there for a long while, recuperating from our
exertion. I lifted my head off his chest and looked down into his eyes.
He smiled up at me and I grinned down at him. So, are you going to
write the note for his algebra teacher or should I?
*****
Joey
I dont know what got into me but when Ben started undressing for bed
he just turned me on so much more than usual. I just had to have him in the
worst way and I had an idea what way I wanted that to be. After all of the
tension of the last several weeks things were settling down but for some
reason I was feeling very aggressive, so I decided to try something that
would let me act out but would also leave Ben in control of just how rough
things got. Apparently he was feeling just as rambunctious as I was and it
was a pretty wild ride for both of us.
I wasnt worried about waking up Connor. He was across the hall with a
closed door in between us. Besides, he was used to being around my family,
which meant he could sleep though an earthquake. J ames was another story.
I really didnt want to tease him, especially now that he might be starting to
date someone, but he was getting used to the nighttime noises from our
room and he only jokingly complained. I figured if he didnt like it he could
always put on his headphones and turn up his music. Of course, once Ben
and I got into it I completely forgot anyone else even existed. All of my
thoughts were on Ben.
After we were able to catch our breath we crawled up from the foot of
the bed where all of the action had been, pulled the comforter over ourselves
and were asleep in no time. I was usually awake before the alarm went off
but the next morning it felt like it was still the middle of the night when the
radio started blasting us. I got up, took care of things in the bathroom and
then checked on Connor. He was sleeping soundly so I and turned on the
coffeemaker and went back to the bedroom, started the shower running and
then dragged Ben out of bed. He didnt wake up until we were in the
shower, but then, that was the most important part anyway.
Ben offered to get Connor up so I rapped on J ames door and went into
the kitchen to start breakfast. Ben brought Connor in as I was putting the
scrambled eggs and sausage on plates. He strapped Connor into his high
chair just as J ames came into the room. The two of them ate in silence for a
few minutes, J ames sipping his orange juice, Ben his coffee. It was amazing
how similar they were when it came to waking up. Ben finally seemed to
come to life but J ames was quiet until we were nearly done.
Do you guys have any idea how hard it is for me to be in that room next
to you at night? And I do mean hard.
Were sorry about that. I had a feeling we might get a little
rambunctious last night but Ben and I both completely lost control. I know
we joke about it a lot but well try to be more considerate from now on.
I dont really mind, most of the time. It can be really hot, you know.
Last night I got off twice just listening. But this morning my dick was a little
sore from pulling on it so much.
Whoa, too much information, J ames.
Like you have the right to talk, Ben. He cleared his throat and did a
pretty good imitation of Ben. Ooh, fuck me, J oey! Harder, deeper. Yeah,
plug that hole!
Ben blushed. I think I did, too.
Okay, J ames, youve made your point. Ben and I will be quieter in the
future.
Yeah, Ill believe that when I hear it. Or rather, dont hear it.
So, lets change the subject. What would you like to do for your
birthday, J ames?
I dunno. I hadnt really thought about it.
Youve got a birthday coming up? When? I hadnt mentioned J ames
birthday to Ben.
Next Saturday, a week from tomorrow.
Ah, sweet sixteen. We should definitely do something special for you.
What do you think, J oey?
I was thinking maybe a small dinner party, the immediate family and a
couple of friends. Or maybe youd like a real party with just your friends.
Do either of those options sound good to you, J ames?
They both sound pretty impossible. If youre talking about my parents
theres no way theyd come here. And I dont have enough friends at school
to have a real party. A party with just a handful of kids would be pretty
lame.
He looked pretty glum. Id hoped that talking about his birthday would
start his day off with something to look forward to, but it was having the
opposite effect.
Maybe youre right about your father, but I think your mother would
come and bring your sisters and brother. And now that my mother and I are
speaking again your grandparents would be here. We could invite Cookie
and J ared, too, if you like. And anyone else. Its up to you.
Well, maybe Dad would let Roseanne and Toni come, but theres no
way hed let Mom bring Mike.
Ill talk to your mother about it. Maybe I can get somewhere with your
father, too.
Yeah, good luck. Ill ask Cookie and J ared.
Friday night J ames had Cookie and J ared over for the evening so Ben
and I took advantage of the situation and went to the movies. J ames babysat
Connor and Cookie chaperoned J ames and J ared. It worked out all around.
When we got home the guys were sitting on the floor, leaning against the
couch playing a video game. Cookie was in a chair reading a magazine. She
looked up.
You had a call, Ben.
Yeah, who was it?
J ames took the message. She nodded at the TV. Youll have to wait
until one of them destroys the other.
The guys were both totally mesmerized by the game so I went to check
on Connor while Ben went into the kitchen and poured us a couple of
glasses of wine. When I got back, Ben handed me a glass and we went back
into the family room. The game had ended.
So who called, J ames?
Oh, right. It was your father. Whos Lori?
My step-mother. What did Dad have to say?
He looked puzzled. Your step-mother? I must have misunderstood
something, then. He said she had a baby, a girl named Megan. Everybodys
doing fine and hell call you tomorrow. Does that make sense to you?
Maybe he meant someone else.
Ben whooped. No, that makes perfect sense, J ames. Lori is around my
age. She was due next week. So Ive got a baby sister now. Thats so weird
but so great.
I gave him a hug and a kiss. I cant wait to see her. When do you think
we can go into the city?
Maybe next week. Ill have to ask Dad tomorrow.
We left the kids to their fun and went into the bedroom to watch TV. A
little after eleven Ben gave Cookie and J ared a ride home. I thought that
J ames would probably go along but he stayed behind. When the others had
left he went to the bathroom for a minute and then came back and sat on the
couch with me.
You looked like you were having fun tonight, J ames.
Yeah, I was. Im used to hanging out with Cookie, but it was great
having J ared over, too.
Any further indication about whats going on in his head?
No, but thats okay for now. The three of us are having a good time and
this way Im getting to know him better. He was quiet for a minute. Is sex
really that good, Uncle J oey?
Well, yeah, sex can be very good. Look, I know we apologized this
morning, but Im really sorry Ben and I have been so noisy lately. Its very
rude of us.
Thats okay, I really dont mind, well, most of the time, anyway. Its
just that sometimes I get so frustrated and I wonder what Im missing.
Im not an expert, J ames, but I can tell you that sex between two
people who love each other can be fantastic. But its more than just the
physical sensations, some of which Im sure youre not missing out on. He
blushed as I went on. For me the best part is being able to express the love
that Ben and I feel for each other, of being able to be a part of each other in
every way. Theres a feeling of pure joy when were together in bed. It
bubbles over into an excitement thats just impossible to contain
sometimes.
So sex and love together is what makes it so good?
I sure think so. I know lots of people have sex with people they dont
love and enjoy it. Ben has done quite a bit of that in the past, but Im sure
hed agree with me that when youre with someone you love its infinitely
better.
So if it turns out that J ared is gay and he wants to do it, you think I
should say no?
Thats a decision youre going to have to make yourself. I dont think
you should have sex until youre ready and only you will know when that is.
You also have to decide whats important to you, if you want to explore sex
or wait for love.
Im really not sure about any of that. But theres no rush, I guess. I can
wait until I figure it out.
J ust remember, J ames, Ben and I cant make these decisions for you
but were always here if you want to talk things over.
Yeah, I know. You guys are the greatest.
In the spring, Saturdays were always our busiest day at the nursery and
the next day was no exception, even though it was raining. People still
shopped for things they could plant once the weather cleared up. A little
after lunchtime I ran into Vinnie in the greenhouse. I wanted to talk to Rita
about the dinner for J ames but I decided it wouldnt hurt to approach Vinnie
as well. I told him my idea about having the family over for a small
celebration.
No fuckin way, bro. My family is not going to that house.
But its your sons birthday. Hes had a really rough time this year and
he deserves to celebrate a little. Im sure you wouldnt have a good time but
cant you try to put up with us for a little while just for him?
If he wants a celebration he can listen to me and come home. Right
now I cant see celebrating this decision hes made about his life and Im
not letting my other kids near you guys.
For Gods sake, Vin, you cant believe theyd be in any danger around
us.
He gave me a disgusted look. Of course not, J oey. Im not stupid. I
know you and know youre not into kids that way. And Ill take your word
for it that your boyfriend isnt either. That isnt what bothers me. I just dont
want my kids seeing you two together, thinking that thats a normal way to
live.
The whole family knows that Ben and I are a couple. Keeping your
kids away from us isnt keeping it a secret. All youre doing is hurting them
and J ames by not allowing them all to be together.
Theyre together when J ames stops by the house after school. If they
want more than that, its up to J ames. He knows my conditions for coming
home for good.
He turned and stalked off. I watched him go, wondering when he was
going to ease up. I thought about the story Rick told us at the bowling
tournament. I really wanted to discuss that with Vinnie but I didnt know
how to bring it up. Its not like he and I had many conversations and they
were always tense and abrupt. And I wasnt even sure what it would
accomplish telling him I knew about Rick.
His response to the idea of J ames birthday party was pretty much what
I expected so I wasnt discouraged. I was still going to talk to Rita. She was
on our side and I knew shed want to be involved with any birthday plans.
Later in the afternoon I called her from the office and told her what I had in
mind.
I really appreciate you thinking of J ames and taking care of him this
way, Joey. Ive been trying to think of some way of observing J ames
birthday and all I could come up with was asking your parents to host
something. You know, holding it on neutral territory. But even that would
be pretty tense.
Yeah, anytime you put Vinnie in the same building as Ben, J ames and
me it isnt going to be pretty. I dont think thats going to happen anytime
soon no matter where we have the party. I told her about Vinnies reaction
to my invitation.
Dont you worry about him. Ill work something out. I probably cant
force him to attend but Ill definitely be there with the kids.
Maybe shed made some strides standing up to Vinnie lately but I still
wasnt sure she was going to convince him and I said so.
Between dating and marriage Ive known Vinnie well over twenty
years, J oey. While Ive allowed him to walk all over me far too often, I do
know how to get what I want when I have to. Ill be at the dinner, you can
count on that.

Chapter Thirty-Eight
Ben
The next week passed uneventfully. While we were all looking forward
to J ames birthday dinner, Joey and I were also planning our own party.
Right after the custody hearing we had decided on a date in early J une and
had made some preliminary plans. Early in the week we got the invitations
out to everyone on our guest list.
Dad had called me back around ten Saturday morning. He knew I
wasnt an early riser on the weekend but J oey had changed that a bit. He had
a way of getting me up, in more ways than one, that I didnt mind. Besides,
since he worked most Saturdays if I didnt get up to have breakfast with him
I didnt see him all day. Anyway, Dad was as excited as a little kid on
Christmas morning and he babbled on and on about Lori and the baby. The
labor had gone on quite long but in the end it was a normal delivery and both
were doing well. Dad suggested we come into the city the next Saturday to
visit but that was the day of J ames dinner. J oey was planning to take the
day off from work to get ready for it. I told Dad wed try for Sunday, though
I wasnt sure if J oey could get the whole weekend off.
J oey managed to rearrange his weekend schedule a little. He decided
that he could work a half-day on Saturday and still get everything ready for
the dinner as long as J ames and I got the house ready. Then he could take
Sunday off as well without feeling guilty. Since Vinnie had made it clear he
wouldnt come to the dinner, J oey put him on the work schedule for both
days. There are advantages in being in charge of your company payroll.
I made sure I got all of my other chores out of the way on Thursday and
Friday so I could concentrate on cleaning the house Saturday. Even though
J ames would be helping me it was his birthday and I didnt want him to
spend the whole day working. I let him sleep in while I worked. Connor
kept me company, playing with Lula in whatever room I was working in. A
little before eleven J ames came stumbling down the hallway, barefoot in his
boxers and a t-shirt. I was dusting in the living room at that point and
stopped, walked over to him and pulled him into a warm hug.
Happy birthday, kid.
Hey, Im sixteen now, you cant call me a kid anymore.
Yeah, you have been doing some growing up lately. But Im an old
man compared to you, so I can call you a kid if I like. Its a term of affection,
not a put-down, you know that.
He lay his head on my shoulder and continued to hug me. Yeah, I
know. But that means I get to call you old man if I like. Thanks for being
such a good friend to me, Ben.
I gave him a tight squeeze and then a light slap on the butt. Lets get
some breakfast into you, then Im gonna put you to work.
Slave driver! Its my birthday, Im not supposed to work.
I gave him my best leer. Okay, youve got your choice then.
Household slave or boy-toy. You decide.
He blushed. Um, slave it is, I guess.
Thank god.
*****
Joey
I stopped at the supermarket on the way home from the nursery and
picked up a few last minute things Id thought of while at work. When I got
home Ben and J ames had the house sparkling. I went to work in the kitchen
while they set up the dining room. They expanded the table to its maximum
length so it could handle the twelve of us, including Connor. My job wasnt
all that hard. J ames had chosen the menu and he wanted mostly basic pasta
dishes. Mom was bringing stuffed shells and meatballs. I made lasagna,
eggplant parmigiana and mussels in marinara sauce. I also made a huge
salad and a big bowl of steamed mixed veggies to try to lighten up the meal
a bit. Rita had said shed bring the cake and candles so I didnt have to
worry about that.
Mom and Pop were the first to arrive, as expected. Mom joined me in
the kitchen and immediately took charge. Ben poured wine for himself and
Pop and the two of them went into the living room. J ames was still getting
dressed. It was the first time hed had his family to the house and he was
nervous. Id heard him going back and forth between his room and the
bathroom for an hour. Mom checked over the dishes Id made and
murmured approvingly. Pop had brought several bottles of his homemade
red wine so I opened a few of them and left them to breathe on the counter. I
glanced up at the clock and it was just a few minutes to six. We were all
ready. Now all we needed were the guests.
Do I look all right?
Mom and I both turned to see J ames standing in the doorway. He was
wearing a dark green polo shirt and khakis, nothing special, but he looked so
crisp, so perfectly attired. His black hair had a messy look but I was sure that
each curl had been strategically placed. His face was angelic. I realized that
he was no longer a boy but he wasnt quite a man yet, either. But he was
beautiful. Mom rushed across the room and threw her arms around him.
You look wonderful, J ames.
She hugged him so tightly I could see the discomfort on his face but he
grinned at me. When she finally let go I hugged him as well and whispered
into his ear, Youre so beautiful. Everyone is really going to be
impressed.
While I knew he wanted to impress us all, I had the feeling that maybe
J ared was his real target. I didnt want to embarrass him by saying so,
especially in front of Mom, but he got my meaning.
You think so, Uncle J oey?
Yeah, youre gonna knock em dead.
We were interrupted by the doorbell. Ben had answered it by the time
we got to the living room. It was Rita, accompanied by her other three
children. There was no sign of Vinnie, of course. I knew J ames had just
been to their house Thursday after school but they all greeted each other as
if it were a long overdue reunion. The kids had never been to our house
before (I love thinking of it as our house) and Lisa and Anna looked a little
nervous. Mike took it all in stride, however. He was just thrilled to be with
his big brother and didnt care where he was. Mom took the cake into the
kitchen and J ames took his siblings into the family room, where Connor was
in his playpen.
So you got Vinnie to let the kids come. Im so glad.
I told you I had my ways, J oey. I just told him that if they werent
allowed to celebrate J ames birthday hed be spending a pretty lonely year
in the bedroom until J ames next birthday, when maybe Id give him
another chance.
A year without? Thats pretty cruel, Rita.
Yeah, it would be cruel for me too, but I knew hed give in.
J ust then the doorbell rang again. I opened the door to Cookie and J ared,
our last guests. J ames came out to greet them, hugging Cookie and bumping
fists with J ared. He took his friends into the family room and Rita joined
Ben and Pop in the living room while I went back to help Mom in the
kitchen.
He looks good, J oey. Youre taking good care of him.
He doesnt need all that much taking care of, Ma. Hes a great kid and
he only needs a little love and support.
Mom smiled at me. Youve always had so much love to give. Wow,
who was this woman who looked so much like my usually overbearing,
critical mother?
The food was ready in a few minutes so Ben got everyone into the
dining room, while Mom, Rita and I brought everything out to the table. We
sat J ames at the head of the table with Cookie and J ared on either side of
him. Then his family, with Mom and Pop at the other end with Connor, Ben
and me. Mom said grace and then we dug into our massive high-carb feast.
We all stuffed ourselves until we couldnt eat another bite. There was still
the cake to come but I decided we needed a little break before that. Ben and
I cleared the table and did some preliminary cleaning up in the kitchen. We
practically had to tie Mom and Rita in their seats, but J ames was with us
every day; he didnt get to spend all that much time with his mother and
grandmother.
I put the candles on the super-chocolate cake --chocolate cake and
frosting with chocolate chips throughout --that was J amess favorite. Rita
said she made it for him every year. Ben helped me light the candles and
then went ahead of me, dimming the lights as I brought the cake into the
dining room. The whole room burst into a chorus of Happy Birthday as I
placed the cake in front of a beaming J ames. He looked around the table at
everyone, then took a deep breath and blew out the flaming candles.
Whatd ya wish for, J ames?
You know I cant tell you or it wont come true, Mike.
Cant you at least give us a hint?
Nope, Im not gonna tell. He looked around the table again. There
are lots of things I could wish for, one in particular, but right now Im just
thankful for all Ive got.
After dinner, the kids went back to the family room while the adults
adjourned to the living room. It wasnt as if the party had completely split in
two; the house had an open floor plan so we could all see each other. Cookie
had made a CD of every song she could find that mentioned birthdays, from
Youre Sixteen to the Beatles Birthday. They were playing that at a
reasonable volume. When Sixteen Candles came on, something made all
of us adults look toward the family room. J ared was standing and held out
his hand to J ames. J ames stood and J ared pulled him into a hug, but then
started dancing with him. The sisters giggled as they watched their brother
slow dancing with another guy.
Mom, Pop and Rita all looked a bit shocked. Ben and I looked at each
other and smiled. The boys looked so sweet together. When the song ended,
though, J ared did something that shocked even the two of us. He leaned in
to J ames and kissed him, a long, deep kiss. When it ended both boys seemed
a bit stunned for a moment and then embarrassed when they realized what
theyd done in front of everyone. J ared excused himself and rushed off
toward the bathroom, the tent in his pants obvious to anyone who looked.
J ames sat down next to Cookie and his sisters began teasing him. The
grown-ups were all speechless for a minute. Rita found her voice first.
I thought they were just friends, J oey. Whats going on here?
They are just friends, Rita. Something more might be developing, but
so far theyve been focusing on friendship. I think Ben and I are going to
have to talk to J ames again, though, and maybe J ared, too.
J ames is too young for this kind of thing. Youre going to have to put a
stop to it.
Sixteen isnt too young for dating and kissing, Ma. You wouldnt be
saying that if J ared was a girl.
No, but this is different. J ames could get hurt.
Its not really different, but Ill agree that he could get hurt. Thats
always a danger with teen relationships. Ben and I will talk to them and
make sure things arent moving too fast. Dont worry, were on top of it.
The rest of the evening passed without any more shocking scenes. A
little after ten Mom and Pop left. Not long after that Mike began yawning a
lot and Rita decided it was time to take her kids home to bed as well. Cookie
and J ared hung around and we continued the evening in the family room. As
soon as everyone else was gone, J ared was apologetic.
Im really sorry, guys. I didnt mean to disrupt the whole party. Its
just, when the song came on it seemed so romantic and I just wanted to hold
J ames. But that seemed weird so I started dancing.
And that didnt seem weird?
Well, Cookie, I guess it did, but it felt great, too. Then when the song
ended I looked at J ames and he looked so sweet. I thought of that line,
sweet sixteen and never been kissed, so I just had to kiss him.
But you kissed me once before.
Yeah, but that was just a little peck on the lips. You needed a real
kiss.
Well, that sure was a real kiss. But youre sixteen, too, J ared. When
was your first kiss? J ames smiled at J ared nervously.
Um, actually, it was tonight. I guess I needed a real kiss as much as I
thought you did.
Well, its about time you guys finally did it, then. I knew J ames had the
hots for you, J ared, but I wasnt sure if you felt the same way toward him.
I wasnt sure either, Cookie. Well, maybe I was but I was having
trouble admitting it to myself. Ive been pretty sure I was gay for a while but
wasnt dealing with it very well. And then James came along and I was so
attracted to him. He turned to face J ames. I tried to keep my distance a
little, but as I got to know you I liked you more and more, so I just had to
deal with it.
J ames turned to Ben and me. So what do we do now, guys? Youre the
experts.
Ive got more experience than J oey I this area but I dont consider
myself an expert. You guys seem to be doing well getting to know each
other. Id say you should just keep going the way you have been, working
on building up your friendship. Take your time and dont push it and see
what, if anything, develops past that.
After a while, Cookie and J ared got up to leave. Ben offered them a ride
home and J ames went along with them. I finished cleaning up in the kitchen
while they were gone. When they got back J ames went right to bed. I
checked in on Connor and then Ben and I went to bed. I made love to Ben,
slow and sweet, and we made a point of being quiet. After the little bit of
passion J ames had experienced that evening the last thing he needed was to
listen to our lovemaking. Afterward, I spooned Ben, holding him in my
arms.
Howd it go in the car? Was there a goodnight kiss?
Yeah, a little one, nothing as passionate as the one earlier.
Did you guys talk on the way home?
A little. I just wanted to be sure J ames was in control of his feelings,
that he was taking it slow.
Yeah, I know how hard that is, though. Like when we first decided to
pursue a relationship last fall we decided to go slow, but its hard to keep
your heart and your head from racing on ahead.
You cant always control emotions but as long as you realize whats
going on you can keep from getting carried away. I think J ames will handle
it all right.
And hes always got us if he needs us.
He knows that, J oey. I think that makes him feel a lot more secure
about the whole thing.
Our little boy is growing up, Ben.
Connor is our little boy, babe. J ames is more like our little man. But,
yeah, hes growing up.
Ben
The day after J amess birthday party my new little family went into the
city to meet the latest addition to my old family, my little sister. That
sounded so weird. Okay, shes my half-sister, but I never thought Id not be
an only child. Both Dad and Lori were positively glowing. I introduced
them to J ames and then they took us up to the nursery to meet Megan.
Connor was the first baby I had any experience with, but as tiny as I thought
he was when I met him, he was a year-and-a-half old and walking, not really
a baby. Megan was six pounds, six ounces, just a tiny pink doll. I was even
more terrified of holding her than Id been of Connor in the beginning. J oey
and J ames were old pros with babies and took to her right away.
Apparently newborn babies sleep nearly all the time so after just a few
minutes of being fussed over she yawned and nodded off. We went
downstairs with Dad and Lori and visited for a while but it soon became
clear that Lori was a bit tired herself, so we didnt stay long. Before leaving
they promised they would be at our party in J une. Theyd received our
invitation the week before and Lori had already spoken to her parents about
coming into the city to babysit that day.
It was a beautiful spring day so when we left Dads townhouse on the
Upper East Side I drove down to Chelsea and found a place to park on West
Twenty-eighth Street. Wed decided to give J ames a tour of the gay
neighborhoods of Manhattan. We took turns pushing Connor in his stroller
as we made our way down Ninth Avenue toward the Village. Eventually we
found ourselves on Christopher Street. J ames was practically beside himself
watching all of the gay guys. We followed Christopher down to the Hudson
River, crossed West Street and went into the park that was on a pier jutting
way out into the river. We sat at a table out near the end and basked in the
warm sunshine, watching the ships going up and down the river.
Later, back in New J ersey, we stopped at Fernandes, one of my favorite
Portuguese restaurants in Newark and feasted on rodizio, a Brazilian
specialty consisting of many grilled meats. It was fantastic but J oey
commented on the way home that we were going to have to watch out diet
more carefully. Pigging out on carbs one night and meat the next wasnt the
healthiest way to eat. But for one weekend it wouldnt kill us. And it had
been a great day all around. What made it even better was at bedtime when
J ames hugged both J oey and me.
Thanks, guys. This was the best birthday weekend ever. I love you
both.
Over the next several days the responses to our invitations started
dribbling in. The party was still three weeks off so there was no rush. Wed
invited a real assortment of people other than our families. There were
several couples I knew from my old life with Paul, about half the bowling
league, Becky and Glenn, of course, and Angie and Ethan. Wed also sent
an invitation to Rick and his friend Deirdre, although we had only met them
once. Rick did have a connection to J oeys family, so he wasnt a complete
stranger. And odds were Vinnie wouldnt be coming, so we didnt have to
worry about any confrontations. Wed settled on the food we wanted and
made all of the arrangements for it with Mothers caterer in conjunction
with J oeys mother and aunt. The only decorations we were having were
going to be lots of flowers and J oey ordered them through the nursery.
One day about a week and a half after our trip into the city J oey came
home from work looking a little down. He was quieter than usual all
evening and I finally asked him what was wrong when we went to bed.
I went to see Father Vittorio this afternoon.
Something must have really been bothering him although he had
seemed fine up until that evening.
Is something on your mind, J oe? Something troubling you?
No, it was nothing like that. I know we decided we didnt want any
kind of ceremony at the party, but I thought that it would be nice if Father
Vittorio would say a few words, maybe give us some kind of blessing.
I would imagine that the Catholic Church has specific rituals for
maybe thousands of different occasions, but probably not one for this.
Yeah. Father Vittorio said that while he would be happy to attend our
party as our friend and share in our joy, he wouldnt be able to do anything
in his official capacity as a priest. He said the Church not only doesnt bless
relationships like ours, it condemns them, so he could get in a lot of trouble
giving any kind of official sanction to this.
I suppose that was to be expected. You arent surprised, are you?
No, I guess I knew hed say that. J oey sighed and was quiet for a long
time. I pulled him tighter against me and we snuggled for a while. You
know how much the Church has always meant to me, but Im having trouble
with all of this. Ive always known the Churchs position on homosexuality,
but I suppose as long as I wasnt living mine openly I could ignore it. As you
pointed out to Mom back on Thanksgiving, lots of Catholics disagree with
some of the Churchs teachings on any number of matters.
At least Father Vittorio understands and doesnt condemn you.
Yeah, but maybe it would be better if he did. Its easier to ignore the
Church on the issues where you disagree when your priest seems to ignore
it, too. But isnt the whole point in belonging to a church that you believe
what the church teaches? Whats the point if youre going to ignore it? I also
remember you making a statement about not supporting a church that wont
support you. That makes a lot of sense to me.
I suppose you have to balance what the Church means to you and how
much of it you believe in against what you dont believe, and then make a
decision from there.
It would help if I thought things were changing in the right direction,
but it seems to be going backward lately. Now the Church is talking about
not allowing gay men to be priests. Can you imagine what would happen if
some Protestant denomination announced that from now on they werent
going to ordain black ministers because they thought that blacks were
morally unfit to be in the clergy? Not only would there be outrage from all
the other churches but every single black member that church had would
walk out. Yet we gay Catholics just keep going back for more insults and
abuse. We must be masochists.
If youre looking for someone to defend the Church dont look at me,
babe. You know where I stand. But I think the reason we stick with the
Church has a lot to do with the way were indoctrinated from an early age.
We grow up with being Catholic such an ingrained part of our being. Its a
whole culture, not just a religion. And then there are a lot of gays who have
some residual homophobia buried within themselves and deep down they
may actually believe some what the Church is saying.
You mean gay people who dont like other gay people or even
themselves?
Sure, how else do you explain gay Republicans? But seriously, weve
grown up being taught the same antigay stuff straight people are taught.
And even though most of us have overcome a lot of it, theres still some of
that shit lurking in the minds of even well-adjusted gays. How many of us
dont talk about being gay because its nobodys business? Do straight
people ever feel that way about their sexuality? Of course not. They put
their pictures in the newspaper when they get engaged and married,
announcing who theyre going to be fucking on a regular basis. I was at a
rally for gay marriage last year and one of the speakers said, When gay
people talk about their sexual orientation, its called coming out. When
straight people talk about their sexual orientation, its called talking. That
about sums it up.
Well, I guess lots of us still have a long way to go before we think of
ourselves like everyone else. But what am I supposed to do about the
Church, Ben? Its been bothering me more and more.
I cant answer that for you, babe. You know how Ive worked things
out. While faith and spirituality mean a lot to me, organized religion just
isnt that important, though deep down Ill probably always think of myself
as Catholic. Youre going to have to decide what is really important to you
and then make some kind of accommodation. But theres no rush and no
need to obsess about it. Youll figure it out eventually.
I suppose. He turned onto his side and faced me. Thanks for
listening to me. I didnt mean to get all heavy and depressing. Its just been
bothering me and I needed to talk it out.
Hey, thats what Im here for. Anytime you need to talk about
anything, Im here. Youd better believe that I depend on you being there
for me when I need you. Thats part of what love is all about. Listening,
supporting, comforting.
J oey climbed on top of me and pressed his body against mine. He gave
me a long, soulful kiss as he ground his crotch into mine.
Yeah, and a little of this, too.

Chapter Thirty-Nine
Joey
A couple of days later I was working in the office a little after noon
when Vinnie appeared in the doorway. Id been a little paranoid whenever
he approached me ever since J ames birthday. I knew hed freak out if he
heard about J ared kissing J ames, but J ames had asked his sisters and brother
not to say anything and apparently theyd been able to keep their mouths
shut. They knew their father very well and didnt want to set him off.
Ive got a truckload of shrubs to unload, Joey. Can you give me a
hand?
I looked down at my khakis. Im not exactly dressed for that kind of
work, Vin. Cant you get one of the others to help?
Theyre all at lunch. Cmon, itll only take a half hour or so. Dont be a
sissy. Its not like youre gonna be rolling in the mud.
I got up and followed him out behind one of the greenhouses. For
twenty minutes we unloaded the flatbed in silence. As usual lately, we only
spoke when we had to and then only about business. I tried not to get dirty
although I wasnt a fanatic about it. We were nearly done when I heard
someone walk up behind us.
So this is where you guys are hiding.
Vinnie and I both turned and saw Rick standing about ten feet away, his
hands jammed in his jeans pockets. I watched Vinnie, worried about his
reaction. He looked puzzled, like he didnt recognize his old friend, but felt
like he ought to.
Whats the matter, champ? Have I changed that much?
Vinnies mouth dropped open. Rick?
Right the first time. He smiled at us both. Hows it going, J oey?
Vinnie looked back and forth between us. You two know each other?
Yeah, Vin, we ran into each other at a bowling tournament last
month.
Vinnie looked wary. So what are you doing here? I dont think Ive
seen you in over twenty years.
Twenty-five, actually. But from what J oey was telling me last month,
youre an even bigger asshole now than you were back then, so I thought
maybe it was time we had a talk.
Weve got nothing to talk about, faggot. Vinnie turned around and
picked up a shrub.
Aw, is that any way to talk to your long-lost best buddy? I was
thinking that maybe I could take the two of you to lunch. I noticed that your
uncle still has his place on Main Street.
No way Im going anywhere with you. If you and J oey want to have
lunch I wont stop you.
Well, if youre going to be like that maybe I should have a talk with
J ames instead.
Vinnie spun around and took a step toward Rick. You know my kid?
He turned and glared at me. What the fuck is goin on, J oe? You let this
pervert near my son? Youre supposed to be taking care of him.
Take it easy, Vin. Theres nothing going on. Rick only met him once
and that was at a bowling banquet.
Yeah, calm down, champ. J ames may look an awful lot like you did
back then, but the guys Im into these days are quite a bit older. Kids dont
do anything for me. So how about lunch? Im not going to attack you, you
know.
Vinnie shook his head, mumbled something unintelligible and went
back to unloading the bushes.
You go on ahead, Rick. Ill get him to come. Weve got to clean up so
well be a few minutes.
Okay, I want to swing by and take a look at the old neighborhood on
the way anyhow. Ill see you guys in about ten minutes. He turned and
walked around the side of the greenhouse.
Whats you tell him wed go for? I have nothing to say to that perv.
He was your friend, Vinnie. He told me everything, about your
friendship, the fun you guys used to have in the garage and the way it ended.
You were rotten to him and you owe him an apology.
The faggot took advantage of me and you think I should apologize? No
fuckin way!
The least you can do is talk to him. Or maybe Ill have a talk with
J ames. When Rick met him he only said you were old friends. Unless you
want J ames to hear the whole story, youre going to lunch.
Fuckin blackmail, he grumbled.
Vinnie and I cleaned up and rode the mile Uncle Angelos tavern in
silence. Now and then when I was with Vinnie I really missed the upbeat,
fun-loving big brother hed always been. Of my three brothers, hed always
been the wacky one, the one who came up with crazy ideas and schemes. He
was a little too hung up on his macho image, but other than that he had
always been fun to be around. Until all of this started with Ben and then
J ames, that is. The past several months Id seen a side of him that was totally
unknown to me.
Rick was getting out of his car as we pulled into the lot and the three of
us walked into the tavern together. Uncle Angelo came out from behind the
bar to greet us.
What a nice surprise! Its so good seeing the two of you together like
this.
Vinnie just grunted so I performed the introductions.
Uncle Angelo, this is an old friend of Vinnies, Rick Saunders.
Rick grinned. Remember me, Mr. Casciano?
Of course I do. Your family lived on the next street over from me. You
were always cutting through my yard, trampling my begonias. How are
your parents?
Theyre good. Retired and living in Florida, what else?
We sat in a booth with me next to Rick and Vinnie across from us.
Uncle Angelo brought us our drinks, draft beers for Vinnie and Rick, iced
tea for me. We ordered our food and sat in silence for a minute.
So what are we doing here, Rick? Whats so important that you need to
talk to me after all these years?
For a long while after I moved away, I couldnt wait until I grew up so
I could come back and get even for what you and J ohn did to me. As time
went by though, I got over it, put it in the past and got on with my life. But
then I ran into Joey and met J ames last month and thats got me thinking
again about what happened between us. All these years later you were still
at it, turning your back on your brother and son just because theyre gay. I
could never figure out why you attacked me like that.
Because Im not a fag like you, Rick.
I never thought you were, Vinnie. I knew I was gay even though Id
never done anything or told anyone. And yeah, I was nuts about you. You
were a bit older and lots bigger than me. You were so confident, so strong,
and you took care of me. But I knew you were straight, that was so clear.
And that was okay with me because I liked you just the way you were and I
loved being your friend. Those times we had in the garage were so hot but I
knew them for what they were, a couple of horny kids getting their rocks
off.
Then whyd you take advantage of my being drunk and go after me
like that?
I was drunk, too, Vinnie, probably more than you. Youd had your
fathers wine before. It never occurred to me that I was taking advantage of
you since you were always the one who was in charge whenever we did
anything. It was wrong and I shouldnt have done it, I know. But that didnt
give you the right to beat me like that. That other time Id touched you you
didnt do anything much, but you made it clear you didnt want me to do
that again. Why couldnt you have just done that again that time?
The conversation stopped as Uncle Angelo approached with a tray with
three bowls of steaming minestrone and our sandwiches. He put them in
front of us and went back to the kitchen. We started in on the soup in
silence. Finally, Vinnie put his spoon down and looked at Rick.
I know how much you looked up to me, because thats just how I
looked up to my brother, J ohn. If I was your hero, he was mine. But he
always teased me so much, always putting me down, not seriously, just
teasing. For a month or so before that day, hed been calling me fag and
homo a lot. Im sure he didnt really think that I was one, he was just
saying it as a putdown because he knew it got to me. A couple of times he
jokingly referred to you as my boyfriend. I never connected it with what we
were doing in the garage, though. I mean, I didnt know you were queer at
that point, and John and I had jerked off together quite a few times back
when he first showed me how and I knew that wasnt queer.
I shook my head. I still cant imagine you and J ohn jerking off
together.
It was just two kids getting off, J oe, innocent fun. Im sure you get
turned on thinking about it, makin it something disgusting in your mind,
but thats not the way it was.
Believe me, Vin, Ive never had sexual fantasies about any of my
brothers. But I dont get how jerking off with another guy is okay for you
and not for me.
You wouldnt understand. It just different, thats all. Besides, once I
started up with girls I never had any interest in doing that anymore.
Lets get back to that day, Vinnie. I realized it wasnt so much that I
went down on you that triggered your violent reaction, it was being caught
by John. And though Ill never forget the pain of that day, physical and
emotional, I guess I understood why it happened. But it was what happened
after that, days later when we ran into each other in school, that I never
understood. I thought that wed just go on like before and never mention
what happened, sort of like the time I touched you. I blamed myself for
getting beat up as much as I blamed you so I wasnt looking for an apology,
I just wanted to still be your best friend. But you turned on me completely,
putting me down in front of everyone at school, refusing to have anything to
do with me. Losing your friendship was bad enough, but having you lead
the others in taunting me was more than I could bear. If my father hadnt
been transferred that summer I probably would have killed myself before
the next school year started. Even when I was at my new school I was a
mess for a long time, blaming myself, hating myself. Why did you do that to
me? You were my friend.
I expected Vinnie to come back with a short nasty insult. He never was
one for serious thought or self-examination. All of our conversations since
the fall about anything gay had pretty much been him spouting bigoted
one-liners. But he took his time and seemed lost in thought as he munched
on his sandwich.
You were my friend, Rick. You have no idea how much I loved having
you for a little brother of sorts. He glanced over at me. You were just a
baby, J oey, so you didnt count then. He looked back at Rick. The way
you looked up to me and depended on me always made me feel so good. I
wanted to protect you more than anything. I guess I knew there was
something a little different about the way you felt about me, but that was
okay as long as it didnt get out of hand. But then, John walked in on us and
flipped out, accusing me of being as queer as you. I just couldnt handle him
turning on me, him disapproving of me. So I had to show him that it was all
you, that you were the bad guy, that I was on his side.
Yeah, I figured thats where the violence came from. But after...?
After you left I went to my room and slept off the wine. When I
sobered up I felt confused, scared because of what J ohn saw and might think
of me, and guilty for beating you up. My first reaction was that I wanted to
apologize to you, or maybe just ignore what had happened and go on the
way things had been before. But you werent at school the next day so I
couldnt do either. And all the time J ohn kept on at me about how disgusting
you were, how youd forced yourself on me. He said thats all queers cared
about, getting dick, that thats all youd probably ever wanted from me in
the first place. I decided that he was right, that you werent my friend, that
you just wanted my dick.
You couldnt possibly have believed that, not after all the years wed
been friends.
It made sense to me then. John was older and he knew lots more about
sexual things. And it wasnt just him. Everything Id ever heard about
queers was bad. Nobody had anything good to say about them. So I pushed
you away, and when I did everyone was on my side, so I knew I was doing
the right thing. Ripping into you not only showed that I knew right from
wrong, but that I wasnt a queer like you.
You tried to destroy me so youd be popular?
I didnt have to attack you for that. I was popular already. Ill admit
that at first I hated seeing the pain on your face when I put you down at
school and when others did it I had to fight the instinct to protect you, but I
knew youd brought it on yourself. You were wrong and I was right.
Id been pretty angry at Vinnie when Rick first told Ben and me his
story at the tournament but now I was disgusted.
How can you think in such simple terms, hes wrong, youre right?
You two were best friends for years, really cared about each other and you
threw all of that away simply because he was attracted to guys? Everything
else you knew about him didnt matter, that was all that counted. The same
thing with me. For twenty-seven years youve seen me almost every day
and shared my life with me. You know who I am. But that doesnt matter
because I like dick. And your own son. Do you have any idea the kinds of
problems so many parents have with their kids, booze, drugs, rebellion. You
are the luckiest man in the world to have a son like J ames, someone so
sweet, decent and honest. And yet you just toss him on the trash heap
because he isnt the macho straight man that you are. Years ago your best
friend thought about killing himself because of you and recently your son
actually tried it. This is your idea of right and wrong? Youre an idiot,
Vinnie.
You talk like this is all my fault. Im not the one whos queer. Im
normal and you guys have the problem.
And youre supposed to love your friend, your brother and your son.
You dont have to agree with us, you dont have to approve. But being right
involves love, Vinnie. And that makes you so wrong.
Vinnie put down his half-eaten sandwich and stood up. He threw some
money on the table. You just dont get it.
No, you just dont get it, Vinnie, I said to his back as he walked out.
Well, that didnt go very well. I shrugged at Rick.
I dont know, J oey. It answered a lot of questions for me. Ive
speculated for years about what was going on in his head. Now I know. It
doesnt change my life any but it takes care of my curiosity. It doesnt help
you or J ames much, though. I was hoping we might be able to do something
positive there.
I dont know that we got through to Vinnie at all, but we at least got
him thinking. And it turns out that its really J ohn behind all of this. Since I
met Ben Ive been under the impression that while they were both anti-gay,
J ohn was the more reasonable one. Now Im not so sure.
Yeah, I always thought of Vinnie as a strong personality, an in-charge
kind of guy. It never occurred to me that he had someone he looked up to
and followed.
Well, it looks like I need a ride back to the nursery. Can you drop me
off?
Sure, J oey, no problem, but youll excuse me if I dont go in. I think
Ive had enough of champ.
*****
Ben
The day after the custody hearing I talked to one of the account reps at
work about the nursery. I told her what I knew of the business and put her in
touch with Mr. Napoli. I sat in on the first meeting they had until they got to
know one another, but then left it up to the two of them to work things out.
Pop had been in business for decades and knew what he wanted. Carla was a
capable rep and knew her stuff. I knew nearly everything about accounting
but didnt know the ins and outs of setting up a new clients account.
A little over a week before our big party I was working in my office one
afternoon when Pop stuck his head in.
Hey, Pop, another meeting with Carla?
Yes, we just signed the contract. The nursery is officially one of your
accounts now.
You can be sure Ill give you more than a little special attention.
I have to tell you that I was nervous when you suggested this. I knew
you could handle our business but this is such a big firm. Ive always been
right on top of everything having to do with the nursery before. But Carla is
so professional and answered every one of my questions, some more than
once. And I know that youll be doing a lot of the work, so theres really
nothing for me to worry about.
Thats right, Pop. Well take care of everything better than ever plus
weve got resources that you never had available to you before, so
everything is going to be great.
Im sure it will. So are you and J oey all ready for your party? Hes
been talking about nothing else the past week.
Yeah, I think weve got everything covered. J oey has been obsessing
about it a little. Its grown so much bigger than we originally planned but
were on top of it. J ust about everyone we invited is coming, with two big
exceptions, that is.
Pop frowned. My middle sons?
Yeah, not that we expected any different. At least Rita and the kids
will be there, though I dont think anyone from J ohns family will be
coming.
Pop shook his head. This has gone on long enough. I think its time for
a little family meeting. Are you and J oey busy tonight, Ben?
No, as far as I know weve got nothing on for the evening.
Good. Come over to the house around seven. Ill let J oey know when I
get back to the nursery.
I spent the rest of the afternoon wondering what was going to take
place. A family meeting? J oey had never mentioned anything like that so I
wasnt sure what that meant. When I got home J oey was already in the
kitchen working on dinner and I told him about Pops visit to my office and
asked him what he knew.
Not much more than you. Im not sure what hes got in mind. I know
how important the family is to Pop and how he takes his role as leader very
seriously. But we all respect him so much that usually when one of us is
doing something that Pop disagrees with, he just pulls us aside and has a
word with us. Thats all it takes. A big meeting is something new for me.
You think everyones going to be there?
Well just have to wait and see. Theres no use speculating. Besides,
Cookie and J ared are visiting J ames in his room and theyre staying for
dinner, so lets not talk about family problems. Lets let J ames enjoy his
friends.
We all had an enjoyable meal. J ared had been over to the house a few
times a week lately and seemed to be fitting in well with James and Cookie.
From what little J ames said their relationship was mostly friendship, but
affectionate friendship. Whatever was happening between them was going
slow and both J oey and I thought that was a good thing. After supper the
kids offered to clean up the kitchen. J ames had plenty of experience putting
Connor to bed by now so we left them to it.
When we got to the Napoli house J oey knocked on the front door but
then went on in. Pop was in the living room with J ohn and Vinnie. J ohn was
sitting in a chair looking annoyed. Vinnie was on the couch and looked
totally pissed.
Okay, youre all here now. Lets get comfortable because I have a few
things to say.
I thought you said a family meeting, Pop. Where is everyone else?
I only invited those who are having a problem with your relationship
with Ben, Joey. Anthony and Sal are fine with it. Your mother and sister still
have some concerns but theyre working on it. J ohn and Vinnie arent even
trying, and thats what I want to talk about.
Oh, so were the problem, Pop? Joeys the one who goes off into this
immoral relationship and Vinnie and I are at fault for calling him on it?
Calm down, J ohn. As I said, I have a few things to say and since its
my house, I go first. I think you all know where I stand on this relationship.
I dont understand where these gay feelings come from and it goes against
everything I was taught my whole life. He glanced over at J oey. When it
comes to the physical end of things, I dont even want to think of my son
with another man. My whole being rebels when that picture comes into my
mind.
So how are you different from us then, Pop? Thats the kind of thing
J ohn and I have been saying all along.
The difference is that I love J oey and want what is best for him. Both
J ohn and Vinnie started to object. I know, boys, you say you love your
brother as well, and Im sure you do, but youre not acting like it. Theres a
line Ive heard at church my whole life that goes, Hate the sin but love the
sinner. In my experience, very few people follow that. If they hate the sin,
whatever it is, they end up taking it out on the sinner. Now Im not saying
that what Joey and Ben do is a sin because it isnt my place to judge them. I
know that they love each other, take care of each other and seem to be very
good for each other. I was always told that what they do in bed is wrong, but
knowing everything else I know about them, I have to keep an open mind on
that. Who are they hurting? No one. And they love each other, so how can
that be wrong? Im not a deep thinker, boys, Im sure you know that, so all I
can do is look at what is in front of me. J oey is a kind decent Christian man
and I love him with all my heart. As I get to know Ben more and more I have
the utmost respect for him. He loves J oey, takes care of him and makes him
happy. So while I dont understand it, the rest is none of my business.
But society says its wrong, Pop. Its not just Vinnie and me. Overall
this cant be good for J oey and hes going to get hurt. And its going to make
Connors life hard, too.
All the more reason why the family should be supporting them and not
fighting them, J ohn.
So if we see J oey heading off a cliff were just supposed to keep our
mouths shut? If we disapprove of what hes doing dont we have an
obligation to tell him if we love him?
If you disagree or disapprove, Vinnie, of course you have the right to
say so. But then you dont turn your back on your brother. I dont recall your
asking Joey for his approval for any major decision youve made in your life
and you shouldnt have to. You dont need each others approval, but you
do need each others love.
So youre saying that our opinions dont matter here.
We all have a right to our opinions and you know Ive never stopped
any of you from voicing yours, except when they were hurtful or
counterproductive. You can disagree with each other and still love each
other. But that is not what has been going on here lately. Now, I cant force
you to get along. I could demand that you to attend the party Ben and J oey
are having next week, but if youre not going to be supportive of them then
no one really wants you there. Its pretty much up to each of you, whether
you want to continue to be a full part of this family. He turned to J oey and
me. Do either of you have anything to say?
I shook my head. This was a Napoli family meeting and I didnt feel I
quite belonged in this conversation. It was important that J oey and his
brothers work out their problems and anything I said would probably just
make things worse. I left the speaking up to Joey.
I agree with you, Pop, about the whole approval thing. That shouldnt
be what this is all about. Its about loving each other despite our
disagreements. I can live without your approval, guys. I can live without
your love, too, if thats what you want, though Id rather not. Im an adult,
Ive been through a lot and I have the love and support of Ben and most of
my family. Ill get by without you, but Id really like you to continue to be a
part of my life. He turned and faced Vinnie. But for J ames sake, I wish
youd think hard about what Pop has said tonight. Yes, J ames is gay, but he
is so much more than that. Hes a bright, sweet, charming, sensitive and
loving young man. He loves you very much and needs your love. Hes at a
difficult age, has been going through a rough time and he needs his fathers
love and support to grow into the best man he can be.
Of course I love J ames, and thats exactly what I want for him, to be
the best man he can be. But what if he doesnt have to be gay? Hes young,
he can change.
You should know better about change, Vinnie. Caring for, and being
with someone whos gay doesnt make you gay. Rick didnt make you gay,
did he?
And as much as he looked up to you, that couldnt make him straight.
Change doesnt happen like that. We are what we are. Forget what everyone
has always told you and look at what you see. Look at who J ames is. Love
him for who he is.
Vinnie was lost in thought for a while. If Pop wasnt a man known for
deep thinking, Vinnie wasnt even known for light thinking. All of this was
probably giving him a headache. John had been pretty quiet toward the end
of Pops talk and what J oey had to say. He was thinking it over but I
couldnt read anything on his face. Neither of them looked like they were
likely to have an immediate about-face.
Pop had said everything he wanted and neither of us had any more to
say, so we said goodnight and left. In the car on the way home I turned to
J oey.
So do you think it did any good?
I dont know. What Pop implied at the end was that if they continued
to shut me out of their lives they were cutting themselves off from the rest of
the family as well. Im sure when that sinks in it will have some impact. But
I meant what I said about moving on without them. Id rather not lose my
brothers, but if thats what they choose, Im ready to go on without them.
It always amazes me when families fall apart over issues like this. My
family isnt especially close and yet we always stick by one another. Its that
unconditional love thing, I guess. No matter what the differences, youre
still family.
Thats the way I look at it too, and thats what Pop was trying to tell
J ohn and Vinnie. I guess well just have to wait and see if love or bigotry
wins out.

Chapter Forty
Ben
The day of the big party finally arrived. It had grown so much from our
original idea. At first we were thinking of it as a wedding reception without
the wedding, which was kind of weird. But once we got down to the actual
plans, it became clear what it really was, a celebration of our love and
sharing that with our families and friends.
As the guest list grew, the logistical plans for the party had to change as
well. At first, we were just thinking of J oeys family (lots), my family (a
few) and a handful of friends, maybe forty people at the most. And of course
there were some in J oeys family we were pretty sure wouldnt come. So we
figured everyone would fit snugly in the house with maybe a little overflow
onto the patio. It was going to be a buffet dinner and people would have to
eat standing up since there was no way we could seat that many. But as we
added some of my old friends from Maplewood, more people from the
bowling league and new friends like Rick and Deirdre, J ared and Cookie,
Charles and his partner, and even J udge Washburn and her husband, it
became clear that all of our guests werent going to fit in the house. So we
talked to Mothers caterer who suggested tents for the back yard, one to
cover the patio, where the bar and buffet would be set up, and a larger one
out on the lawn with tables and chairs.
We wanted the event to be on a Saturday afternoon, but that conflicted
with the nurserys business hours. Of course, at this time of year the nursery
was open seven days a week so that didnt give us many options. We
compromised by starting at five in the afternoon, which was also closing
time for the nursery. Wed assumed that J ohn and Vinnie wouldnt attend so
they, along with several part-timers, could staff the business until closing.
The rest of the family could leave work early for the party. I put Lula in a
kennel for the weekend so she wouldnt be underfoot. Shed love having so
many people around but there was a good chance shed be trampled or
escape through the constantly opening gate.
The tents were set up in the morning and the catering van arrived
around four. They immediately took over the kitchen so I made sure to stay
out of their way. I had nothing to add to that part of the preparations. A
woman from the bowling league was half of a light jazz/pop duo and we
hired them to play for the evening. They arrived at ten to five to set up in one
corner of the patio.
J oeys parents and aunt and uncle also arrived a little before five with
their trays of pasta. Mrs. Napoli immediately locked horns with the caterer
and J oey had to come between them, forcefully leading his mother out into
the back yard where Pop took charge of her. By five-thirty the yard was
filling up, mostly with Napolis. Dad and Lori were among the early arrivals
as well. A few of our gay friends had arrived, mostly lesbians. The gay men
would be fashionably late, of course. J oey and I hadnt had time to really
speak to anyone, just greet them and point them to the bar, then turn to greet
the next arrivals. It wasnt quite like a receiving line, but close.
J oey nudged me and nodded toward the gate. Theres Charles with
J udge Washburn and four guys. I guess one is her husband and one is his, so
the other two must be his parents. I wonder who is who.
When Charles had called to RSVP for himself and his partner, Bernie,
hed asked J oey if he could bring along his parents. J oey had thought that
was an odd request but since the guest list had grown so huge anyway he
figured two more wouldnt make a difference. When he told me about it we
were both confused, since Charles had told J ames and me at the courthouse
that hed grown up in foster homes.
The six of them walked over to us. The judge introduced her husband
and Charles introduced Bernie. That left the one remaining black man and
the only white man as the parents, except they didnt look any older than the
others.
Ben and J oey, these are my parents, Bill Mathews and Dan Stephens.
Everyone congratulated us and we chatted for a minute. J oey asked the
question that was on both our minds. You guys dont look any older than
Charles. How can you be his parents?
Its a long story, but Charles was sixteen when we became his foster
parents and Danny and I werent all that much older.
So you two have been together for a long time then?
Almost thirty-six years, Danny, the blond, answered.
Damn, you two have got to talk to my mother. She doesnt believe gay
relationships have any future.
J ust point us in her direction and well set here straight. Danny has
always had a knack for charming older women.
We chatted for a few minutes, mostly about children and grandchildren.
I went on and on about Connor, sounding more like a proud parent than
J oey.
Oh my god, I dont believe it. J oey was staring at the gate. We all
looked over and there were J ohn, Carla and their four kids. Not my most
tolerant brother, J oey explained. We pointed Charles and his group toward
the bar, excused ourselves and went over to greet the newcomers.
Ben and I didnt expect you but were glad you came.
Yeah, well, dont read too much into it. J ohn smiled but it was a
forced smile. Vito and April saw some of their cousins and went off to join
them. Carla led the younger kids to their grandparents, who were sitting at a
table under the tent.
Ive been thinking about what Pop said and I guess hes right, to a
degree. I dont approve of this but that really doesnt matter, does it? I think
its wrong and you think its right. So were stuck there. But youre my
brother, J oey, so Im here. He turned to me. And youd better take
damned good care of him, cause this is all your fault.
He stalked off toward the bar.
I turned to J oey. Was he serious about that or was he trying to make a
joke?
I dont think hes comfortable enough about us to tease, so he probably
meant it. But at least hes here. Thats a step in the right direction.
*****
Joey
It had been fun planning the party and Ben and I were both looking
forward to it, but it wasnt so much the party itself that excited me. While
we liked to get out socially now and then, neither of us was into the party or
club scene. We were both homebodies and nothing was more enjoyable to
us than an evening at home with J ames and Connor. It was what this party
stood for that excited us both. This was a coming out party, of sorts. Coming
out in the gay sense, of course, although everyone who was invited already
knew we were gay, and they knew about our relationship as well. But it was
more than that. Wed had to hide our love at first, and then face the
opposition of my family as they struggled to accept or at least understand.
All of our troubles werent over yet, but our love had come through it all
stronger than ever. So this day was a celebration of that love.
Ben and I were up early and spent the day fussing about the house.
J ames was very quiet all morning and went out early in the afternoon,
saying hed be back in time for the party. He hadnt returned by the time my
parents arrived with Uncle Angelo and Aunt J osie. Mom immediately tried
to hijack the kitchen from the caterer and I had to take her by the arm and
lead her to the tent in the backyard where the others had gone. She
apologized on the way.
Im sorry, J oey. Its just that Im so used to running the kitchen. Ive
been in charge of all of our family parties for so long.
I know, Mom, but today youre a guest. J ust try to relax and enjoy
yourself.
She stopped and took my hand. I owe you an apology for a lot more
than this, J oey. I know that Ive hurt you a lot over the past several months
and my big mouth almost got you in a lot of trouble with Connor. Ive been
trying to act better lately and accept things. I thought I knew what was best
for you, but I was wrong. Im sorry.
Wow! Mom admitting she was wrong. That was a first. I appreciate
your apology and accept it.
I was wrong about Ben, too. Hes a nice man and he seems to really
care about you and Connor.
He does, Ma. I saw Ben come out the back door and speak to the
bartender. Do you think that maybe you could tell him that? Youve said
some really unkind things about him and though he hasnt said so, Im sure
its hurt.
She hesitated but then turned back toward the patio. I stayed where I
was as she went up to Ben and talked for a minute, her head down. Ben
looked a little stunned, but then took her in his arms and hugged her. I could
see her stiffen up for a second, but then she relaxed and hugged him back. I
got a lump in my throat and had to blink back tears.
Wed put a note on the front door directing the guests to go around the
garage and through the gate. Ben and I positioned ourselves between the
gate and the patio, so we could greet people as they arrived and then point
them toward the bar. It was nearly six and most of our guests had arrived
when J ames finally came out the back door, accompanied by J ared and
Cookie. As they walked over to us, J ames and J ared were holding hands.
Whats the story here, guys? Does this mean something?
J ames blushed. Yeah, Uncle J oey. J ared and I had a long talk this
afternoon. Weve decided were going to try doing the boyfriend thing and
see how it works out.
The boyfriend thing, huh? I thought you guys were taking things
slow. I pointed to their hands. You do that and everybodys going to know
about you pretty quick. Dont forget there are a number of kids from your
school here. Are you ready to come out, J ared?
Well, Ben, its a big step, but I like J ames so much and you two guys
have made me feel so comfortable about it that I think Im ready. In fact, I
told my parents last night.
Damn, youre fast. Howd they take it? I thought about how long Id
struggled with trying to figure out how to tell my parents.
Not too bad, actually. My dad was shocked and I dont think he likes it
much, but Mom said shed suspected for a while. Shes gonna work on him
so I think itll all be okay. And I know theyre gonna love J ames.
Well, congratulations. J oey and I are happy for you both. But try to go
slow and not rush things.
J ames rolled his eyes at Ben. Yes, Mom.
*****
Ben
J oey and I refilled our wineglasses and looked around the yard, trying to
decide if we should continue to greet the latecomers as they straggled in or
begin to mingle. It looked like nearly everyone was already there. The
younger kids were playing at the back of the yard. The teens were gathered
in one corner of the large tent. On the patio, Mother and Sam were chatting
with Dad and Lori. Mother and Lori hadnt met before, though theyd heard
a lot about each other, mostly from me. I think the last time Mother and Dad
had seen each other was my college graduation. The adults in J oeys family
were under the big tent. I noticed my coworker Carla and her partner
Georgette talking to Pop and Mrs. Napoli and I wondered if that was their
first experience with a lesbian couple. The two families were keeping
separate as we expected, but when we made up the seating chart, J oey and I
had assigned all of the parents to one table, so theyd be forced to spend
some time together.
Our gay friends were on the patio hanging out near the bar. I noticed
Paul and Rick deep in conversation. I thought they would make a nice
looking couple, although Rick was older than Pauls usual type. I had no
idea what Ricks type was. Earlier, Id noticed him having a few words with
J ohn. Things looked really tense between them but fortunately they only
spoke for a minute before moving on. Angie arrived with a nice looking guy
with short brown hair. She introduced him as her boyfriend Ethan. When he
mentioned they were looking for an apartment in Morristown, I suggested
they talk to Charles and his group.
It was getting late and Becky hadnt arrived yet. I was wondering if I
should call her when she and Glenn finally showed up, accompanied by a
sulky looking teenage girl. Glenn introduced her as his daughter, Karen. She
looked bored already so J oey grabbed his niece Carole and asked her to take
Karen over to the other kids and introduce her.
Im sorry were so late, Ben. Karen had to try on every pair of jeans
she owned before finally settling on the first ones she tried.
Well, you should be able to identify with that, Beck.
I think God is getting even with me for all of that teasing last fall when
you were scared of Connor and trying to get used to him. But Id take a
toddler over a fourteen-year old girl any day. Karens generally a sweetheart
but she can be miserable when she starts to pout.
What the hell is that, Becky?
I looked over at J oey and saw he was pointing to her left hand. On her
ring finger was a huge diamond. Youve been holding out on me, girl.
Youre engaged!
Becky and Glenn both looked embarrassed. Yeah, Glenn popped the
question Thursday night.
Youve been engaged forty-eight hours and you didnt tell me?
This is your big day, Ben. Yours and J oeys. I was going to wait until
after the party. I wasnt even going to wear the ring but I just couldnt bear
to take it off.
We all exchanged hugs and kisses and congratulations and I fussed over
the ring for a minute.
I hope you know what youre getting into, Glenn. Becky can be quite a
handful.
Oh, I think I know her pretty well at this point, Ben. Shes not so
tough.
I dont know. If you think that then maybe you dont know her well
enough. Well have to talk.
Youd better watch it, Ben, or Ill have a little talk with your husband
as well. I think Ive got more dirt on you than youve got on me.
I thought about that for all of three seconds.
Youre right, Beck. Maybe Glenn knows all he has to.
*****
Joey
While we were taking to Becky and Glenn, the caterer announced that
the buffet was ready, so people could line up for food. It took a while but
everyone got plenty to eat. At our table we had Becky, Glenn, Karen, J ames,
J ared and Cookie. And Connor, of course. Mom had been watching him
most of the afternoon and wanted him to eat with her but we insisted. He
was a major part of our immediate family. As we ate we talked about how
the party had grown but how well it seemed to be going.
I cant believe the turnout. Nearly all of the people Ben and I invited
came.
Thats because everybody is so happy for both of you. They know
what youve been through and wanted to celebrate with you. Becky
reached across and squeezed my hand. I thought back to last November
when she and I had had lunch and she gave me advice. It seemed like years
ago.
Well, almost everyone is here. We know one person who wont show
up.
I knew J ames was talking about his father, but he didnt sound as sad as
he usually did when we were talking about Vinnie. I tried to cheer him up,
anyway.
You never know, J ames. I didnt expect your Uncle J ohn and he
showed up.
Well, Dad wont be here. I told him not to come.
You did? When did you talk to him?
This afternoon. I went over to the nursery to see him.
What brought that on?
Well, Ben, he and I havent really talked since I moved in here. All of
our communication has been though my mom. And, of course, Ive heard
about some of his conversations with Uncle J oey. I just thought it was time I
found out where his head is.
And what did you find out? I was curious as to whether Ricks or
Pops talks with him had made any difference.
He started in on the same old stuff, that being gay is wrong, its sick, I
was destroying the family and I had to change. I told him that he didnt
know what he was talking about, that Id always looked up to him and
thought he was a good person, but that he was talking from ignorance and
bigotry. I told him that I didnt know what his problem was on this subject,
but it was time that he grew up, did some reading and listened to others.
Ill bet he didnt like that.
Yeah, its the first time I really stood up to him, but hes being so
pig-headed. Hes just not acting like the dad Ive loved my whole life. I
think he was shocked that I talked back to him. He didnt say much after
that. I told him that I loved him but if he couldnt accept me then he was
going to lose me. And then I said that if he couldnt behave himself then he
shouldnt come here tonight, that no one wanted him here with his attitude.
He shrugged. Thats pretty much everything.
I was so proud of him and I told him so. You have really grown up in
the past few months, J ames. You took the initiative and tried to get a
dialogue going with your father, and it sounds like he was the one who came
across as emotional and you kept your cool.
Yeah, I was nervous when I started, but it really wasnt hard. Living
here with you and Ben, and talking to you, watching you and learning from
you, Im really getting a handle on what being gay is all about. And Dad just
keeps spouting the same old dumb things. He just hasnt got a clue. Its
almost sad.
It is sad. Hes missing out on so much by keeping his mind closed.
Well, Im not giving up on him. Ill keep after him but in the meantime
Im getting on with my life. He suddenly looked shy. Of course, that
means I might have to stay here longer than we all thought. Would that be
okay with you guys?
Ben got up and hugged him. You dont even have to ask that. Youre
family.
I thought about all of the talks Vinnie had had lately. With Rick, with
Pop, and now with J ames. He didnt seem to have changed any, but maybe
they were having a cumulative effect. There was one person who hadnt
tried to get him to change his attitude, though. J ohn. He seemed to have
more influence over Vinnie than I ever knew. Maybe now that he was
beginning to accept reality and at least tolerate Ben and me, he could do
something. I decided Id talk to J ohn the next time I saw him at work. It
couldnt hurt.
Even without Mom in charge there was plenty of food, and most people
made more than one trip to the buffet tables. The caterer had suggested a
break before dessert to give the meal a chance to settle. Ben and I made the
rounds of the tables, trying to spend a little more time with everyone. When
the caterer caught my eye and signaled that they were about to put the
dessert out, I grabbed Bens hand and led him to the patio. When the band
finished the song they were playing I took the microphone and asked for
everyones attention. The crowd gradually quieted down.
When Ben and I started planning this party, we talked about having
some kind of commitment ceremony or maybe just exchanging vows, but
were both on the shy side and we figured everyone already knew what this
was all about and how committed to one another we are. But even though
Im not one for speeches, I thought we should say a few words to all of
you. I turned to Ben and he was giving me a bewildered look. We hadnt
planned this; I was just winging it.
First, thank you all for coming today and sharing our joy. You are all
special to us and we love having you in our lives. Mostly, I just want to say
a few words about this guy standing beside me. Before I met Ben, I thought
my life was pretty much over, that the best days were behind me. I had a
wonderful family and the most beautiful little boy in the world, but for the
most part I was just going through the motions each day. Then Ben came
along and woke me up and gave me new life with his love. Ive hit a few
rough spots over the last several months but Ben has always been there for
me, supporting me and loving me. But I dont just love Ben for what hes
done for me, I love him for who he is --a sweet, kind, generous loving man
with the biggest heart in the world. A few of you have had some problems
understanding and accepting the changes Ive gone through this past year,
but if you have any doubts that this is for real and a good thing, think about
where I was a year ago and where I am today. The difference is Ben. I
turned and looked into his beautiful green eyes. Thank you for loving me,
Ben Donnelly.
Ben took the microphone form me. This isnt fair. J oey didnt tell me
that we were going to make speeches. He took a deep breath and looked
around the yard. As many of you know I wasnt doing so well myself at
this time last year. I had my parents, whose love and support has always
been there for me, and a wiseass best friend who has never let me down, but
I was lost. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted or where I was going. And
then I met J oey, someone I wasnt even looking for. He gave me love and
support and direction. But I discovered that you cant have just one Napoli.
Its a package deal and a pretty big package at that. And that took some
getting used to, but J oey was there for me every step of the way. The best
parts of that package are a son and a nephew that I have come to love very
much. He turned and looked at me. You have completed my life by giving
me things I never even knew I wanted. I will love you forever.
From somewhere near the back of the big tent came the tinkling sound
of a knife or fork tapping a glass. Others picked up on it and the sound grew.
My nephew Tony called out, Cmon guys, that means youre supposed to
kiss.
Ben set the microphone down and took me in his arms. Our lips touched
softly in a light kiss, then pressed together and parted. For a moment we
were both lost in our passion. By the time we broke apart the sound of
silverware on glass had been replaced by applause. We turned and looked at
the crowd and they were all on their feet clapping. Ben nudged me and
pointed toward our table. There was Connor, sitting on J ames shoulders,
laughing and clapping like crazy. Ben put his arm around my waist and
pulled me close.

Life is good.
The End.