Last night I lost the world, and gained the universe.

?C. JoyBell C.
Even after you let go, the past is still part of who you are. Every one of us l
ives in the present and makes choices based on some part of the past. This fact
is simply unavoidable. You are only able to read these words right now because
of your past. Your brain relates past experiences (or learned knowledge) to th
ese words.
All forms of learning rely on your ability to continually reference the past. I
f you think about it, many wise decisions you have made leading to this very mom
ent were created through recalling what did or did not work in the past. You ar
e only able to do what you can now because of what you learned. For instance, y
ou only recognize a friend when she walks into the room because you reference a
past connection with her. In this way, you are using the past effectively.
But when you start behaving ineffectively because you think, this is the way it h
as always been, problems arise. Old traditions may be useful, or they may stifle
your progress and growth. It all depends on how relevant they are to the prese
nt. Its your job to make this determination.
We talk about letting go of the past and moving on, but what do we really need t
o leave behind? Since the past helps us at least as much as it hurts us, how do
we know which pieces to discard?
Here are some things I have learned that have helped me:
1. You are subconsciously matching patterns from the past with the present.
When an experience in your life has emotional significance, it gets tagged in yo
ur brain as being important. When the emotional experience is tragic, it trigge
rs your brains fear mechanism, which tells your brain to remain on the lookout fo
r any future conditions that vaguely remind you of this tragic experience (it do
es this to protect you from future harm). Your brain then tries to match new ex
periences with the original one. But depending on how emotionally attached you
are to the original experience, it can lead to false pattern matches which will in
evitably lead you astray.
For example:
A muscular man assaulted you, so now you find it hard to trust all muscular men.
An old boss verbally harassed you, so now you have trouble respecting a totally
new boss or different authoritative figure.
Etc.
Again, these false pattern matches occur whenever you respond negatively and ove
r-emotionally to a particular experience. And it all happens subconsciously too
. Logically, you know that all muscular men are completely different human bein
gs, but emotionally you respond as if they are one.
If you feel that you are stuck because you cant move beyond a past experience, th
en your brain is relating to it as if its still happening right now, which means
its matching patterns improperly in the present. Heres a two-step solution that m
ight help:
Ask yourself: What specific past experience and associated feelings do my curren
t feelings remind me of? Dig deep and be honest with yourself.
Once you have determined the origin of your current feelings, list all the ways
your current circumstances differs from the past (the original experience) this
should include the places, people, and details that caused you pain and discomfo
rt. Review the differences over and over again until you have them completely m
emorized. This should help you realize and remember that circumstances have ind
eed changed. (Read Thinking, Fast and Slow.)
2. Your subconscious mind forgets that your capabilities have grown.
Zookeepers typically strap a thin metal chain to a grown elephants leg, and then
attach the other end to a small wooden peg thats hammered into the ground. The 1
0-foot tall, 10,000-pound elephant could easily snap the chain and uproot the wo
oden peg, and escape to freedom with minimal effort. But it doesnt. In fact the
elephant never even tries. The worlds most powerful land animal, which can upro
ot a tree as easily as you could break a toothpick, remains defeated by a small
wooden peg and a flimsy chain.
Why?
Because when the elephant was a baby, its trainers used the exact same methods t
o domesticate it. A thin chain was strapped around its leg and the other end of
the chain was tied to a wooden peg in the ground. At the time, the chain and p
eg were strong enough to restrain the baby elephant. When it tried to break awa
y, the metal chain would pull it back. Sometimes, tempted by the world it could
see in the distance, the elephant would pull harder. But the chain would not b
udge, and soon the baby elephant realized trying to escape was not possible. So
it stopped trying.
And now that the elephant is all grown up, it sees the chain and the peg and it
remembers what it learned as a baby the chain and peg are impossible to escape.
Of course, this is no longer true, but it doesnt matter. It doesnt matter that t
he 200-pound baby is now a 10,000 pound powerhouse. The elephants self-limiting
beliefs prevail.
If you think about it, we are all like elephants. We all have incredible power
inside us. And of course, we have our own chains and pegs the self-limiting bel
iefs that hold us back. Sometimes its a childhood experience or an early failure
. Sometimes its something we were told when we were younger. We need to learn f
rom the past, but be ready to update what we learned based on how our circumstan
ces have changed (as they constantly do).
Here are two things to consider:
If you suspect you are currently living your life (or parts of it) through the c
onditioning of self-limiting beliefs you developed in the past, remind yourself
of what is different now in terms of circumstances and your own capabilities. W
hat has changed?
Examine what you have learned from past adversity that can actually help you now
. Rather than just regretting stuff, question specifically how it has helped yo
u grow. Has your past equipped you to be determined, self-reliant, perceptive,
tough, aware, compassionate, etc.? Focus on what you have gained rather than lo
st from adverse past experiences.
3. Progress of any kind feels uncomfortable at first.
Nothing starts easy; everything begins at some level of difficulty. Even waking
up in the morning sometimes requires notable effort. But one beautiful thing a
bout life is the fact that the most difficult challenges are often the most rewa
rding and satisfying in the long run.
The really tough job interviews that lead to huge career advancements. The firs
t few awkward words exchanged on first dates that lead to successful relationshi
ps. The excruciating training that leads hopeful Olympians to gold medal placem
ents. None of these successful outcomes started from a place of comfort and eas
e.
Far too many people are fearful of the unknown, comfy with putting in the least
amount of effort, and not willing to put up with short-term pain for long-term g
ain. Dont be one of them you know better than that. You know that growth and pr
ogress require discomfort. Every time you stretch your emotional, intellectual,
and physical muscle groups, discomfort arises just before progress is made.
In all walks of life, by committing to continuous, small uncomfortable steps for
ward, you are able to sidestep the biggest barrier to positive change: Fear.
Also, remember that growth begins at the end of your comfort zone. Not only is
it important to accept the discomfort of taking steps forward, it is also necess
ary to let go of comfortable routines and situations from the past. Holding on
to the way things were, prevents you from growing into who you are now, and who
you are capable of being. (Angel and I discuss in more detail in the Goals and S
uccess chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
4. The past did not provide your only opportunity for happiness.
Reminiscing about great past times is always a pleasure, so long as reviewing th
ese past times is not used as a way of emphasizing how terrible the present is b
y contrast. If you start living in the past to such a great extent that the opp
ortunities in the present are ignored, you have a problem. For instance, if you
dont even give a potential new partner a chance simply because you know they could
never live up to your perfect lover from the past this is a huge warning sign.
Feeling that the past was a golden age of seamless perfection a time of infinite
happiness is not an accurate assessment of reality. Comparing this idealized r
etrospection with the present can lead you to believe the present can never be a
happy place, thus preventing you from enjoying the moment and looking forward t
o the next.
Here are two practices that might be helpful:
To help you feel better about specific situations in the present, you might clos
e your eyes, relax, and focus on a wonderful past time, and then imagine yoursel
f drifting into the present with all those good feelings from the past. These t
hings did happen and they are worth celebrating. This can help you actually use
the positive points from the past rather than bemoan their passing.
Look for any ways that the present might actually be better than the past, howev
er slight. Even if its simply that you have learned from the past and are now in
a better place to make future decisions.
The bottom line is that life needs to continue right up until the moment you die
. If at a certain point all you do is look back, you have, in effect, stopped l
iving. You need to resist the trap of believing the past was so perfect that th
e present cannot be appreciated at all. (Read Authentic Happiness.)
5. Nothing can be expected, and nothing is indefinitely certain.
You need to understand that none of us are playing with marked cards; sometimes
we win and sometimes we lose. Life always finds its balance. Dont expect to get
back everything you give. Dont expect recognition for every effort you make. A
nd dont expect your genius to be instantly recognized or your love to be understo
od by everyone you encounter.
There are things you dont want to happen, but have to accept, things you dont want
to know, but have to learn, and people and circumstances you cant live without b
ut have to let go. Some things come into your life just to strengthen you, so y
ou can move on without them.
As you live and experience things, you must recognize what belongs and what does
nt, what works and what doesnt, and then let things go when you know you should.
Not out of pride, inability, or arrogance, but simply because not everything is
supposed to fit into your life. So close the door on the past, change the tune,
clean your inner space, and get rid of the dust. Stop being who you once were
so you can become who you are today.
Its time to open the next chapter of your life.
Afterthoughts
Oftentimes letting go has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with
strength. We let go and move on with our lives not because we want the friends
, family, and the universe to realize our worth, but because we finally realize
our own worth.
So stop focusing on the negatives and everything that could go wrong, and start
thinking of what could go right. Better yet, think of everything that already i
s right. Be thankful for nights that turned into mornings, friends that turned
into family, and past dreams and goals that turned into realities. And use this
mindset of positivity to fuel an even brighter today and tomorrow.