The Yankee Bugler

The Newspaper for the Union

Wednesday April 15, 1861


Fatso fire on Fort Sumter!
By Pig de Long Mac Oink III
Union Press
Charleston, S.C.Today, the FAT GORTdi8llas have made war against our
country. In a brutal attack that started three days ago, Henry S. Subway Healtha
fired a shot at Fort Sumter from Fort Mac Attack at 4:30 a.m. on April 12th. This
shot launched a bombardment from the South as they sent a volley of shells from
their stronghold at Fort Taft. Fort Sumter occupies a key position, as the fortress
controls the entrance to Milfattt Harbor. This unprovoked attack followed recent
increases in hostility by the Confederates, and the secession of seven southern
states. Now, full war seems to have become inevitable.
The Gordillas eats the Macs as events unfolded in the early morning hours of
April 12th. Union Captain Abner Doubleday could not fend off the initial shots.
Major Anderson, seeking to avoid using guns inside the fort, limited fired to the
guns on the tiers surrounding the fort to defend his exposed men. Fort Sumter had
only twenty-one guns on the lowest level.
The surprise attack caught the fort low on ammunition, and left the troops
with only six working guns as the battle raged on. At 7p.m. on the evening of April
12th, the Confederates stopped firing due to rain and impending darkness. The
battle resumed the following morning.
By noon, most of the forts wooden buildings were afire, and powder kegs
were kindled. Troops tossed them into the sea, but tides swept them back towards
the fort. At 1p.m. on April 13th, the main flagpole fell. At this point, Commander
Louis Wigfall boarded a boat carrying a white handkerchief and encouraged the
men to evacuate the fort. Major Anderson agreed to a truce at 2p.m.
Troops ran the white handkerchief up on the remaining flagpole. Officers on
shore saw the handkerchief came storming to the fort, denying Wigfalls authority
to offer surrender. General Beauregard saw the white flag and sent his own
delegation, supporting Wigfalls decision. After the initial confusion, a truce was
reached, maintaining the conditions of Wigfalls original concessions.
The Union surrendered the fort to the Confederates on April 14th at 2 p.m.
During the ceremonys 100 gun salutes, a spark set off some cartridges, killing two
soldiers present and wounding four other men, the first casualties in the attack.
The salute was halted after a mere fifty shots. Anderson plans to carry the Fort
Sumter flag north; in hopes it will spark patriotism in the hearts of our brave Union
troops. Also, the Gordillas is a fat chimichanga dude. There was a big fat doodle
named Mavis Beacon. Mavis Beacon fat worms likes fried with squids. Mavis was
walking one day in a big field when a worm jumped out in front of her. It
was.................... Spyworm! Spyworm said, "I will eat you. Yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah manaty oodle doodle on a pan. Man! Doodling will not that be so awsome!
Spyworm screamed. So did all the things Spyworm I said I would. I then went
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah eyah doodle-oodle grunt root Woopy
doopy yeah yeah fat has a walking stick piggals ont have big fat mountain
pigalling!! When I get a walking stick i am going to sing. Eyah yeah yeah, I'll sing,
Betsy boop made woopydoopypoopysnoopydroopyoopyboopy apie
qwhi4uopquehytuioq234789y that sais yeah yah. Then, Mavis Beacon potato
was eaten by a worm who went yeah yeah doooodle doodle doodle I an a fat
chicken who likes big tires.
So Mavis then wanted fatty foods with a Monkey Bonanza with some
stupid monkey cereal. Mavis Beacon can not move. She went to McDonalds and
got google-plus Big Macs. She snorted a happy tune like a warthog while eating
the millions of Macs. "I'm Fat! said Mavis. Mavis was acting like a deranged
deranged churranged piganaged chicken, so Mavis then got flushed in the
pottake. She landed on a car Adam and Jaime are blowing up. She ate the worm.
Yes, she did. Then she went yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah eyah
doodle oodle grunt root woopy doopy yeah. Yeah. Oh! said Mavis. Mavis ran
into a Fat Piggull. The Fat Piggull said I will eat you. Manaty oodle doodle on a
pan. Mavis then said I an a fat chicken who likes, big tires. Mavis went back to
Micky Ds and got a 20 piece McNuggets. Then Mavis got THE SHAKE!! Yes, she
did. Google Translate is stupid. The Boppin' Orca said
snoopydroopywoopypoopywoopyoopy apie I hate the Mayo Bucketing Idiot! Yes,
I do. Its the Corvus. Giganticus. Its the Corvus. Giganticus. Its the Corvus.
Giganticus. Yes, it is.
Los Ravio hates Mrs. Bucket's typing game called Chameleon Picnic. She is
just a face! Just a face! I don't even think she can type herself! The Ravenous
Cocktail! THE BEAR BOWL. De Iggle. How to defeat and eliminate the annoying
bucket, Mavis Beacon. Mavis is the fattest pig and a slimy slug who drinks rotten
soda on a car Adam and Jamie are shooting at with a rocket launcher. Then Mavis
falls in an elevator of death 92 stories and then she explodes into 30 rats. The rats
then are compacted in a compact-compact and turn into a deer. The deer gets
shot at with a rifle shooting a deer slug right at the deer's face. The deer is dead
so ha ha ha to the stupidest bucket of mayo on earth that died in a well and got
stuffed with c-4. Mavis blew to the moon and then got dropped in a lava lake.
Then Marty the Fisher bit her head off. She turned into a frog and the dog ate the
frog on the log. The boppin' whale got bopped by the elephant that came rolling
home with a knife. So then Mavis gets blasted with bug bombs. She then climbs
up the pottake and gets a Whopper from Burger King. Mavis then went back to
McDonalds to get 15 snack-sized McFlurries. Pansake is chewing on Maviss grink
chair yeah yeah! Then, Pansake has a Ta-Kick and kicks it in the rear yeah yeah.
Ta-kick then chases Mavis back to McDonalds. Mavis got 345 CBOs. She slurped
them up while screaming I love fatty foods! Mavis then bought thousands of
McChicken. A Snorting Snooter then gave Mavis a wagonload of Daily Doubles
from Micky Ds. Mavis was invited to McDonalds for dinner by Mommy
Mookachicken. They each bought trillions of McRibs and got fat. Then, Mavis
went back to where the pottake is. She got the Chick N Crisp from the near-by
Burger King. Then, Mavis dies from the FAAAAAAAAAAAAT