It was a fne summer morning, a day predicted to break all heat

records. The Devil sat at his fre-proof metal desk enjoying a

avana cigar and a triple espresso while he read the !ew "ork
Times, the #uardian and the $otswana %urvivor &asbestos
editions'. e asked Duane (ork, his private secretary, to open
the windows so he could enjoy the fresh billows of sulphur from
the pits and the stunning vista of multi-thousands of oil wells
and methane gas pads stretching to the hori)on. *n the wall
hung a steel plate depicting the reverse image of +rakatoa
e,ploding. -hen he had fnished the cigar, the co.ee and the
papers he checked his email. /s usual, no one had sent
anything to Devil0hell.org e,cept spammers promising him a
larger penis, hot stocks, cut-rate o1ce supplies and sure-fre
weight loss.
2Duane32
2"essir42 Duane (ork, obse5uious and insolent at the same
time, half secretary, half butler, was a heavy man with
smouldering pants cu.s and raccoon eyes who walked as
though climbing the steps of a guillotine. 6ike many shamblers,
he was a bad speller and so awkward that sometimes, when
sitting, he missed the chair.
2(etch some email,2 said the 6ord of Darkness. /lthough he
rarely received any messages himself, the Devil had ordered a
few of his hackers roasting over eternal fres to collect
strangers7 email from the 8pper -orld. e had been bored the
last few hundred years, with very little to do but wait ever since
he had put certain observations of steam kettles into the head
of a young %cots inventor. The kettle epiphany had booted a
species - selfsh, clever creatures with poor impulse control,
suited to hunt, gather and scratch a little agriculture - into a
savagely technological civilisation that got rapidly out of hand
and sent them blundering toward The 9nd.
2/ few hundred years, they7ll all be here with me,2 he
murmured. /nd while he waited for the self-reaping harvest, he
amused himself by manipulating and fooling around with those
humans. e adored fashion, and got to as many designers7
openings as he could. e it was who had inspired the butt-
free)ing /lgon5uin breech-clout, the top-heavy :iking
2dilemma2 helmet, the intestine-withering whalebone corset
and, most recently, transparent nylon gau)e trousers for men.
e had the warmest feelings for ;anolo $lahnik and had
ordered a suite prepared for his occupancy, a suite de lu,e with
tiger-skin rugs, silver fttings, auk-down comforters and lead-
crystal decanters. The suite was e5uipped with a <oor heated
to =>?(, and the only shoes waiting in the capacious closet
were man-si)ed copies of the master7s own designs.
*ne of the Devil7s happier pastimes was to read and act upon
others7 email messages as if they were addressed to him, to
spread agreeable waves of havoc and confusion. (or retrieval
services the hackers earned a little respite from their personal
barbecues, and the Devil enjoyed the sensation of conducting
important business.
2"essir. -hat category - ordinary correspondence, -orld $ank
messages or government correspondence4 /nd if the latter,
which governments42
The Devil chose the day7s category by randomly opening one of
his many unabridged dictionaries and, eyes shut, placing his
fnger on a page. e had pointed up ornithologist.
2-onderful3 #et me emails of ornithologists in Iceland - and
/merica32
2Including @anada42
2!o @anadian stu. today. I7m in no mood for civility. #et me
stu. from the western states.2 The Devil had felt himself a
westerner ever since he noticed vain cowboys cramming their
feet into tiny, high-heeled boots. ere was a fashion that suited
The oofed *ne very well and he had a rare collection of boots
decorated with pitchforks, <ames licking up from the insteps,
an assortment that complemented his numerous bolo ties.
&Aeaders who dispute the Devil7s western identity have only to
look at the maps - in ;ontana the Devil7s @orkscrew, the Devil7s
$edstead in Idaho, in @olorado his favourite Devil7s /rmchair,
and in @alifornia, of course, the Devil7s +itchen. is bathtub,
flled with hot sand, can be found in /ri)ona.'
In the day7s batch of emails there was little correspondence
between Icelandic ornithologists, but a fairly rich harvest from
the /merican west. ;ost of the messages had to do with an
upcoming bird symposium on the theme of the evolution of
delayed plumage maturation. is eyes gleamed, for along with
fashion shows, rock concerts, amusement parks &he it was who
gave :iliumas ;alinauskas the idea for %talin -orld' he
delighted in symposia. e made a note of the date in his
calendar.
/ message from a biologist at a national park, someone who
signed himself /rgos, caught his eye. The Devil recalled /rgos,
*dysseus7s dog, the only one who remembered him after his
grinding travels. e knew what most human historians did notB
that /rgos, who had never liked *dysseus, did not greet him
with smiles and wagging tail, but lifted his black lip and
growled.
*rnithologist /rgos wroteB
Culi honey there are times I want to put $urton through the
pencil sharpener. /nother damn management meeting that
went on for three hours. They all treat me like I7m the janitor.
$urton bows and <atters the wolf biologist, the mountain lion
biologist, the bear man. ;e4 I7m just the bird guy, no power, no
clout. The ones that count are the guys who deal with big
animals that can kill people. -hat I need is a big dangerous
bird. I7d sell my soul for a pterodactyl. They7d pay attention
then you bet, especially after a couple tourists got carried o..
2@arpe diem32 said the Devil. 2Duane32
2"essir42
2-hat do you know about pterodactyls42 e pronounced the p
very distinctly.
2I believe it was some kind of <ying dinosaur, sir. I think it lived
in the Curassic.2
2I remember it - vaguely. (ind me some pi,. /nd some
background. Didn7t we get it started on feathers42
/ heavy envelope was sent up from ell7s research department
and he shuDed through the stack of photographs of skeletons
and reconstructions.
2That one looks like my cousin.2 e glanced brie<y at his own
re<ection in his mirrored ashtray. 2-ell, let7s see. ;aybe I7ll give
this /rgos a few sets of pterodactyls. %ay about four to start. #o
get one of those women who used to make the science flms for
the $$@ so we can fnd out what pterodactyls eat. -e might
have to rearrange some of the habitat in /rgos7s park.2
The television woman, ;alvina %prout, came in at a half-run.
%he smelled of charred hair and her hands and arms were black
with soot.
2%ir42
2"ou know what pterodactyls eat42
2Eterodactyls4 Is this a test4 Do I get time o. from the <ame
thrower if I get it right42
The Devil frowned fearsomely and the woman shrank back.
2I7m not sure. (erns, maybe4 @ycads4 I think cycads42
2Don7t they eat meat42
2I7m not sure. It7s been a long time and I don7t have any of my
source material here. -e never did much with pterodactyls.2
2*+. $ack to your <ame thrower, sister.2 e drummed his
fngers, adjusted his chain link tie. 2Duane32
2"essir42
2%ee if we7ve got some dinosaur people here. #et me an e,pert.
/nd check the bestiary, see if we7ve got any pterodactyls on
hand.2 e sucked at the end of his tail for a little pick-me-up.
&The iconography of ell often shows the Devil with a harpoon
blade at the end of his caudal e,tremity, an error promulgated
by ecclesiastical historians of yesteryear. In fact, the terminal of
the Devil7s tail is ftted with a carved ivory stopper, for the tail,
like Toulouse-6autrec7s walking stick, is hollow, allowing the
introduction of various li5uids and sauces. The Devil keeps his
tail charged with fne %panish brandy.'
The summoned e,pert, Erofessor $racelet Fuean, was not the
most reliable authority as he had earned his place in the Devil7s
simmering tar pit through plagiarism and fakeryG he knew little
about pterosaurs or any other e,tinct creature. $ut old
rhetorical habits never die and he pu.ed and swaggered as
though in possession of the deepest and most intimate
knowledge.
2-hat did they eat4 -ell, let7s just see now.2 e paused for
e.ect. 2I would say fsh, they ate fsh.2 There was another
pause.
2%nakes.2 e was silent for nearly a minute. 2/nd ducks and
birds. Insects - the giant dragon<ies of the Curassic, you know . .
. /nd probably some plants. @ycads.2
2@ycads, eh4 ;ake a note, Duane.2
Duane wrote down 2cicads2.
2/nd what sort of habitat42
2%wamps. eavy, moist, e,tensive swamps. /nd shallow seas.
:ery warm and moist climate.2 The professor was warm now.
2They7d skim over the seas snapping up ducks and <ying fsh.
There would have been plenty of palm trees and giant
horsetails.2
The Devil looked glum. It was one thing to throw together a few
cacti and some scorpions, but an inland sea and e,tensive
swamps called for advanced engineering, and almost certainly
a rearrangement of the yearly budget. %till, he had all those
interstate highway engineers - he could put them to work.
Eerhaps they could skip the inland sea and make do with just
the swamp. /nd if worst came to worst, he would go to Elan $
although it strained his powers.
29l visible universo era una ilusiHn,2 he said, 5uoting $orges.
2*+. $ack to the book mutilation section, professor. /nd snap it
up32 is inde, fnger released a stinging green ray that caught
the academic on his left buttock.
The frst to notice anything unusual in the park was a retired
hog farmer from ;issouri. *n his way out of the park he saw a
ranger scraping canine ordure from the sole of his high-laced
boot and stopped to talk.
2"ou know, I thought I was back in ;issouri there for a while -
all them cicadas - just like in the ;ark Twain !ational (orest
back home. I didn7t think you-all had cicadas out here.2
2-e don7t. -here did you see them42
2Didn7t see them. eard them. Thousands and thousands. Cust
about made me deef. 8p in that swamp. They don7t live in
swamps back home.2
2%wamp42
2"ep. %how you on the map.2 e pointed at the north corner
where two lakes - $ig #ramophone and 6ittle #ramophone -
were joined by a small stream.
2Thought I7d try a little fshing at the lakes here, and I hiked in,
but there7s no lakes, just a swamp. I seen a cowboy in there
and asked him but he just took o.. #uess you been in a bad
drought situation42
2It has been a little dry,2 said the ranger, thinking that the lakes
had looked high and full only two weeks earlier. ;aybe the man
had missed the trail. e tried to remember any swampy areas
near the lake.
2-ell, I say you got some mighty powerful cicadas. ope you
get some rain and get those lakes flled up. It7s probably
globular warming. %o long.2
29h,2 said the ranger, thinking he might take a run up to the
#ramophones.
In ell there was a commotion. There were no pterodactylsG a
selection of 9nglish sparrows, the omnipresent birds of hell, had
had to be biologically modifed and enlarged. Then these fau,
pterodactyls had been recalled when someone discovered they
lacked serious dentition.
2@all these things pterodactyls42 raged the Devil. 2They look
more like pelicans. #et some teeth in these things.2
The bestiary manager, who had run a petting )oo in the 8pper
-orld, said he thought this was the natural state of the
creatures.
2They didn7t really have much in the way of teeth, sir.2
2I don7t care. -e7ll have our dentists do some implants. I want
to see teeth before we send them out on their mission. The
ornithologist /rgos seems to think they had stupendous teeth.
(i, them up.2
;ost of the dentists had earned their way to the nether regions
through multiple a.airs with receptionists, assistants,
hygienists and I-ray techs. Dr ;avis $rooms had indulged in all
of these venereal delights, with the 8E% man thrown in for
dessert. %till, she had been an e,cellent dentist and relished
the chance to ft a few pterodactyls with teeth. %he longed to
take photographs of the procedure, write it up and send it to
9,perimental Dentistry, an impossible wish as the only mail
that came to ell consisted of bills for the inhabitants and no
mail at all went out. There were computers for all, but they
were programmed to crash randomly fve times an hour.
%he spent considerable time working out a plan. $ecause there
was no dental lab in hell she had to persuade a farrier to
hammer out the implants. The farrier was a cretin from
$essarabia who had died in =J>K from alcohol poisoning. It was
di1cult to make him understand what she needed. /nything
beyond horseshoes seemed too much for him. In the end he
whanged out something passable and Dr $rooms put an
automotive technician to work refning the shapes. The teeth
were slightly more successful, fossil shark teeth stolen from a
collection at a natural history museum in :alparaiso.
The pterodactyls were di1cult patients and had to be strapped
into the chair. They fought terribly and, as there was no
anaesthetic in hell, moaned, but Dr $rooms was hardened to
moans, which rose from every corner and alley in hell. The
results were not good. The pterodactyls could not manage their
shark teeth and constantly bit their own lips. Twigs and leaves
stuck in the dental interstices. The Devil commanded that the
creatures be whetted up on meat and took away their
vegetation.
2#ive them K> hours prey-capture training and get them up into
that park,2 shouted the Devil, 2while they can still chew32
Eark %uperintendent /melia ;cEherson, seven biologists
&including /rgos the ornithologist', the ranger and an unknown
fellow with a ruddy comple,ion in cowboy boots and bolo tie,
presumably someone from Eublic Aelations, gathered at the
edge of the swamp. The din of cicadas was e,traordinary.
2-hat about these cicadas42 shouted (ong %aucer, the wolf
biologist, a big hirsute man with a nose like a kum5uat and an
electric yellow beard. 2-hat are they doing here42
2They must have been introduced,2 said the ornithologist with a
poisonous glance, 2like your wolves.2
2This horrid swamp,2 mourned %uperintendent ;cEherson.
2-here are my lakes42 (or an aerial survey had showed an
e,tensive swamp but no lakes.
2-hat is T/T42 said the wolf man, catching sight of a
pterodactyl with a L?ft wingspread, striking in crimson and vert
feathers, the primaries edged in black, the breast showing
violet spots, gliding toward them through the dead trees.
2ilfe32 shrieked -arwick the bear biologist &raised in #ermany
where his father had been stationed' as the pterodactyl bore
down on him. It snapped ghastly teeth and released a stream of
pterodactyl manure from an oversi)ed cloaca. It wheeled and
came back again, its great claws curling for the grab. In
seconds the bear biologist was skimming over the swamp. The
cicada din was terrifc.
2elp me #od3 #od, help, help32 bellowed the bear man and
the pterodactyl dropped him like an oversi)ed hot potato. The
biologist fell head frst into the swamp, sending up a gout of
mud and gnawed sticks.
The creature sailed o. into the dead snags at the far end of the
swamp and they all heard the distant crack of branches as
though something heavy had settled on a dry limb. The EA man
moved back a little from the group. The shimmering hori)on
seemed to tilt slightly as though the phantom cube of spatial
balance in each viewer7s mind had slipped a little.
2I think we just saw a pterodactyl,2 said /rgos calmly, feeling a
tiny but odd grip inside his chest as though someone had
nipped a paper clip on to a vague and minor part of his interior
works. Then he shrieked, 2Cust saw a pterodactyl3 This is better
than the ivory billed woodpecker32 e began to caper and
shake his arms. e rolled his head and hissed through his teeth,
all the motions and cries one utters when confronted with
fabulous impossibilities. / <ash of scientifc doubt shut him up.
2#ot to get him out,2 said %uperintendent /melia, staring at the
kicking legs of the bear biologist. %he looked at the swamp. The
black water was interrupted by great tussocks of saw-edged
grass. $elow lay sunken logs slippery with green algae. In the
distance something plunged. %he reached for her cell phone.
2ello, %ecurity4 I7m out at the swamp where the lakes used to
be. I said, *ut at the swamp. The noise4 It7s cicadas. @icadas3
!ever mind that. #et a rescue helicopter out here pronto.
-e7ve got a man in a mud hole and can7t get to him. urry. e
could drown.2
$ut the bear biologist was far from drowning. is head and
upper torso were wedged in the remnants of an old beaver
dam, and while it was not a pleasure retreat, the <ow of water
was minimal.
2It7s the (inal Days,2 he whimpered. e prayed in #erman and
9nglish, for he was a religious man, a member of a group of
hallucinated enthusiasts, Eentecostal #ri))ly %cientists, who
met once a month in the back room of a ta,idermist7s shop.
!ow he drew heavily on his spiritual bank account, and it
seemed to him that with every prayer he uttered the beaver
dam structure gave way. In ten minutes he was able to pull
himself out of the enmeshed branches. The swamp around him
had cleared in a two-metre circle and a path of sparkling water
stretched to the shore. e was gripping a log unusually large
for a beaver dam, large enough, in fact, to be used as a
watercraft.
2It7s a miracle,2 he said. 2Thank you, #od.2 $abbling prayers, he
began to kick his way to shore.
*n shore /rgos was peering into the distance hoping to see the
pterodactyl return. e wished badly he had brought a camera.
e had to record what he was seeing. e owed it to science.
-ith an,ious hands he searched his pockets, found his folded
pay check and a ball-point pen that skipped, began to sketch a
clumsy impression of what he had seen. *r thought he had
seen.
The superintendent was on the phone again.
2%ecurity, cancel that helicopter. *ur man is e,tricating himself.
ere they come again32 The EA man took a few steps back.
/ll four pterodactyls, <ying in formation, came 5uickly from the
far end of the dissolving swamp. The park personnel clustered
together.
2I don7t believe it,2 said /rgos. 2This is not happening. This can7t
happen.2
26iebe #ott, our eavenly (ather save us now,2 shouted the
bear biologist s5uelching and barking along the muddy shore.
e could see his comrades in the distance, one of them slipping
away into the dead trees where, a few moments later, a column
of steam indicated a hot spring.
/bruptly everything changed. There was a shower of shark
teeth. (our sparrows <ew over the lake. The bear man looked at
the sky and wept. /rgos the ornithologist stared at the pay
check he held in his hand, the outline of a winged lobster
scrawled on the back, the paper severely punctured by the
point of the bad pen.
2I never believed it,2 he said.
$ack at his desk *ld %cratch tossed a metal token into a
drawer, a token such as were once used in whorehouses by
customers with credit. Inscribed on it was /rgos7s name and a
date.
2Illusions are a real bastard to hold steady,2 he said. 2I7m beat.2
e tapped idly with his long fngernails for a minute, then took
out a pack of cards and began dealing himself poker hands.
2"ou got to know when to fold them,2 he said. e shuDed the
cards, producing a sound of whirring insect wings.
2The cicadas threw me o..2
2"es sir,2 answered Duane (ork.
A M /nnie Eroul,, K??N