Parent-Child Relationship in Islam

By (Dr.) I. A. Arshed
(1) Rights of Parents (and Duties of children)
Islam recognises family as a basic social unit. Along with the husband-wife relationship the
Parent-child relationship is the most important one. o maintain any social relationship
both parties must ha!e some clear-cut Rights as well as obligations. he relationships are
reciprocal. Duties of one side are the Rights of the other side. "o in Parent-child
relationship the Rights of parents are the obligations (duties) of the children and !ice
!ersa# the Rights of children are obligations (duties) of parents. Islam clearly defines the
Rights of Parents (which mean duties of children) and obligations of parents (which means
Rights of children).
It is clear that after Allah parents are the persons who gi!e us innumerable fa!ors. hey
pro!ide protection# food and clothing to the newly born. he mother sacrifices her comforts
and sleep to pro!ide comfort to her children. he father wor$s hard to pro!ide for their
physical# educational and psychological (and spiritual) needs. It is a matter of common
courtesy that if a person does you some fa!or you feel obliged to him. %erbally you say
&than$ you' to him. (ou try to repay and compensate him for his gifts and fa!ors. (ou feel
a sense of gratitude towards him. "o it is with Allah and with parents. Allah's fa!ors cannot
be counted or repaid e)cept by than$ing *im and obeying *is orders. After Allah our
parents deser!e our than$s and obedience for the fa!ors they had done us. hat's why
+uran lays stress on feeling grateful to parents# and doing good to them. ,And your -ord
has ordained that you shall worship none sa!e *im and shall do your parents a good
turn.. /hat does a &good turn' mean0 It includes obeying them# spea$ing softly# a!oiding
harsh words or harsh tone# gi!ing them company when they are lonely# caring for their
physical and psychological needs (especially in their old age)# and praying to Allah that *e
may bless them and ha!e mercy on them.
As between parents the mother has more rights than the father. he reason is apparent.
1other has borne the child's burden during pregnancy# has undergone birth pains in
deli!ering the baby# has sacrificed her own comforts to pro!ide comfort to her children#
has loo$ed after them and felt worried for their well-being. hat is why mother deser!es
our good treatment more than the father. A radition of the Prophet (P23*) tells us that a
4ompanion as$ed the Prophet# , /ho deser!es my good treatment most0. ,(our mother.#
said the Prophet. ,/ho ne)t0. ,(our mother.. ,/ho ne)t0. ,(our mother.. ,/ho after
that0. ,(our father.. his means that the mother deser!es three times more good
treatment from her children than the father deser!es. Another radition wants us to e)tend
$ind treatment to close relations on the mother's side also (e!en to her friends). A famous
*adith (radition) says# ,Paradise lies under the feet of the mother.. his means doing
good to our mother lead us to Paradise.
As to the reward for doing good to our parents a *adith mentions the following story5
,hree persons of ancient days were once tra!elling in a mountaneous region. he rain#
thunder and lightning made them ta$e refuge in a ca!e. 1udslide made a stone bloc$ the
opening to the ca!e. he persons were entrapped inside. /hen the storm stopped they
tried to push bac$ the hea!y stone to get out of the ca!e but they could not. hey
wondered &what to do now'. At last seeing that their 6oint efforts also cannot mo!e the
stone they decided to pray to Allah sincerely. 7ne of them suggested# &each one of us
should relate one good thing he has done in his life and beg Allah to mo!e the stone. 7ne
said# ,7ne night my old mother as$ed me to bring a cup of mil$ for her. During the time I
milched the goat and brought it to her she had gone to sleep. I did not thin$ it proper to
disturb her. "o I stood by her bedside for the whole night till she got up in the morning and
then I offered her the cup of mil$. 7 8od# if this act of mine was appro!ed by (ou please
shift this stone.. he stone slipped a little but not enough to let them get out. "imilarly# the
second and the third man mentioned an act of goodness and prayed to 8od to shift the
stone. he stone slipped down and the entry to the ca!e opened up. "o the men got out.
his story shows how ser!ice to one's parents leads to blessings from 8od and rescue
from troubles. 9ow let us summari:e the Rights of Parents (Duties of children)5
(1) Right to be respected and obeyed5
Parents ha!e a right to be respected and obeyed by children. All parents are well wishers
of children. hey issue orders and instructions that are in the best interest of children
(though children might thin$ ottherwise). "o it is the duty of children to obey their orders
and act accordingly. "ome children listen to parental orders but do not act upon these or
show la:iness in carrying out these orders. his causes annoyance to parents. 4hildren
should remember that annoying one's parents can lead to 8od's wrath.
(;) Right to scold and rebu$e5
It is instincti!e obligation of parents to protect their children from physical and moral harm.
If a small child puts its hand in fire it is natural urge for you to push the child bac$# e!en if
the child does not want. It is in child's interest. "o it is with parents. hey are duty bound
to protect their children in e!ery way# physical# intellectual# moral. If the children ha!e a
temptation to do an act that is not in their long-term interest it is the duty of the parents to
$eep them bac$ from that act or beha!ior. o this end they may resort to ad!ice# rebu$e#
scolding# e!en hitting them. 8ood children should ta$e all this &harshness' in their own
interest. If parents scold them they should bear it calmly. 9o rude replies# no arguing# no
e)planations# no comments unless as$ed for. Parental ad!ice should be listened to and
acted upon# e!en if against children's own wishes.
(<) Right to be loo$ed after.
Parents ha!e loo$ed after the children for decades. "o it is the duty of grown-up children
to repay them by way of caring for them and loo$ing to their physical and financial needs.
A +uranic !erse says5 ,People as$ you (7 Prophet) how should they spend. "ay#
&whate!er you spend should be spent on Allah (in good cause)# on parents# near relati!es#
on orphans# destitutes and tra!elers (who fall short of money in foreign lands)..
(=) Right to be helped5
As parents grow old their energies also decline. "o it is the duty of children to help their
parents in any household chore in which they can help. "ons can help in lifting hea!y
things# cleaning home# arranging things etc. Daughters can help in mother's household
wor$>coo$ing# washing# cleaning# ser!ing food etc. /ith good children such help should
come automatically# not when as$ed for. /hene!er you see your mother or father doing
something e)tend a helping hand to her?him without their as$ing. his is what Islam
e)pects from children.
(@) Right to $ind words?good beha!iour5
+uran urges children to be soft-spo$en towards parents and show respect and $indness
in their beha!ior towards parents.
3nforunate as it is# the /estern societies ha!e forgotten these lessons. (oung children
are rude towards parents and show disobedience. As the parents grow old they dri!e them
out from their homes and put them in ,"enior 4iti:ens *omes.. 8rown up children cannot
spare time to attend to the needs of old parents. he busy /estern life has led to a brea$-
up of the family unit (so much upheld in Islam). As 1uslims we e)pect our children to
adhere to Islamic !alues and show respect# obedience# $indness# leniency and care
towards parents# especially in their old age. 4hildren must not forget the fa!ors and
sacrifices of their parents. As good mannered persons they must feel and remain obliged
towards parents and try to repay them by $ind words and deeds# e!en with money and
material needs. hese are the Rights of Parents due from their children (or the Duties of
4hildren towards parents). hese Rights and obligations are not found in Islam only. "uch
!alues are to be found in all true religions. +uran mentions *a:rat (ahya (Aohn the
2aptist) as ,$ind towards his parents# not tough and disobedient.. "imilarly *a:rat Isa
(Aesus) is Buoted saying to his people# ,8od made me $ind towards my mother (1ary) and
did not ma$e me tough and disobedient.. *a:rat (ousuf (Aoseph)# as a royal 1inister in
Cgypt# called his old# poor parents from their far off home and offered them seats on a
high platform (he did not feel shy of beha!ing in a $ind manner to poor parents in the
presence of his officials).
(;) Rights of 4hildren
9ow let us see the other side of the coin. /e ha!e mentioned that Parent-child relation is
a reciprocal one. he Rights of Parents (discussed abo!e) are the Duties of children. 9ow
let us see what are the Rights of 4hildren (and Duties of Parents) in Islam. hese can be
summari:ed as under5
(1) 4hildren ha!e the right to be fed# clothed and protected till they grow up to adulhood.
It is# primarily# the duty of the father to do that. 1other can pro!ide help if necessary.
Protection means protection against physical as well as moral and intellectual harm.
Parents are duty bound to see that the child's personality de!elops in all fields. "o if the
parents ha!e to resort to strictness for the sa$e of disciplining the children and protecting
them from intellectually# morally and religiously undesirable beha!iour# children should not
resent their strictness. -et them perform their duty as parents. 4hildren's duty is not to
protest or be rude but to listen and obey. ,heir's not to Buestion whyD their's but to do and
die..
(;) Right to education.
In Islam education is not limited to boo$ish $nowledge but includes moral and religious
training also. It means healthy all-round growth of child's personality. Parents must not
only pro!ide for children's education in schools and colleges but should also ta$e personal
interest in their studies# helping them if they can. his gi!es children a feeling of &wor$ing
with the parents' and encourages them in studies. Parents should sacrifice their own
comfort and social acti!ities and must spare some time to ta$e interest in children's
studies# especially when they are young. -ea!ing children to the mercy of teachers or
tutors is not a wise policy. And of course# parents should not forget or neglect imparting
religious?moral training to children. A little sacrifice on part of parents will sa!e children
from moral disasters. Cffecti!e moral training comes not from sermons# ad!ice and
precepts but from parents' personal e)amples of good beha!iour. It is a famous radition
of the Prophet (P23*) that acBuisition of $nowledge is a must for e!ery 1uslim boy and
girl. Another *adith says# ,he best of you is one who gi!es a good education (intellectual
and moral) to his children.. Another *adith lays stress on education of daughters. he
Prophet (P23*) once said# ,*e who pro!ides good upbringing to < daughters shall go to
Paradise.. A man as$ed# ,what if one has only two daughters.. ,*e also shall go to
Paradise.. Another man as$ed# ,and what if one has only one daughter0. ,*e too.# replied
the Prophet (P23*).
(<) Right to lo!e and affection5
4hildren ha!e many psychological needs also. "mall children need to be lo!ed# caressed#
$issed and hugged. he Prophet lo!ed children greatly. *e would allow his grandsons
*assan and *ussain (R.A) to ride his shoulders e!en during his prayers. In streets he
would offer &salaam' to children# play and cut 6o$es with them. "ometimes he would e!en
$iss small children in the street. 7nce a 2edouin saw the Prophet $issing a small $id. 7ut
of wonder he said# ,I ha!e eight children but I ne!er $iss them.. he Prophet remar$ed#
,/hat can I do if Allah has ta$en away lo!e and compassion from your heart.. he
Prophet would show special $indness to orphaned children. "ome parents belie!e that
being fran$ with children is not good from discipline point of !iew. his is wrong. -o!e and
leniency can do much that fear and strictness cannot do. If leniency leads to rudeness on
the part of children it should be mi)ed with strictness. hat will tell the children that parents
are basically $ind but can be tough if children show rudeness and bad manners. 7!er-
protection and o!er-care are undesirable. -et the child grow up as a responsible person.
7nly pro!ide them guidance.
(=) Right to be well pro!ided (materially)
A *adith says# ,It is better for parents to lea!e their children well pro!ided (financially) than
to lea!e them in po!erty.. his means that parents should not spend all that they ha!e on
their own comforts and lu)uries but must ma$e pro!isions for children's welfare after the
parents die. hese are brief outlines of the Rights and Duties of both parties in the Parent-
child relationship. If the parents and children act according to these guidelines they can
ma$e the family en!ironment most conduci!e to peace and satisfaction for the parents
and healthy personality growth for children. 1ay Allah bless us all. A1C9.