Everything Changed When I Started Meditating Every Day - Sasha Bronner

Everything Changed When I Started Meditating Every Day | Sasha Bronner
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Everything Changed When I

Started Meditating Every Day
Posted: 08/08/2014 1:58 pm EDT
Updated: 08/09/2014 3:59 am EDT
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Until I set out to meditate every day for a month, my personal mantra came from a
greeting card. I bought it without the envelope because I never planned on giving it
to anyone. It read: "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the
end."
The card has sat on various surfaces in my bedroom for five years and I look at it
every day. I have lived with an undiagnosed and baffling immune disorder for
nearly all of my 20s. I have seen over 12 different doctors, not including the
acupuncturists, nutritionists and holistic doctors. At one point we discussed
traveling outside of the U.S. to seek treatment or trying to get into the famed Mayo
Clinic in Minnesota. It's an elimination game, and after crossing off every
autoimmune disease on the list, even my doctors scratched their heads at the welts
all over my body, my fatigue and the clumps of hair I would sometimes find in the
shower.
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Some months I let slip away in a daze as we tried combinations of drugs or I tried
to just cope by putting one foot in front of the other so that I could keep my job, my
relationships and my life in some form of order.
So on some days, those 15 words -- "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not
okay, it's not the end" -- were the only thing that could make me feel better. That
mantra brought calm into a body that was sometimes raging out of control.
After years of trial and error with different medications, very recently my doctor
found a treatment that seems to be working for me. I get shots once a month and
have been able to taper off all the other medications I was on, which at one point,
was eight different drugs. This is the healthiest I have been in many years. But as I
have felt my body start to return to a state of normalcy, my mind has felt like it's
been running a marathon; a long loop that's left me feeling impatient, angry and
oftentimes deeply sad.
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In January, after an especially difficult year, and before we could tell if my immune
injections were working, I decided to spend New Year's and my 29th birthday alone
(http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sasha-bronner/what-i-learned-spending-5-daysin-silence_b_4682894.html) at a five-day silent meditation retreat in Big Sur,
California. It was there that I first learned to meditate and I felt more peace and
calm than I had in many years. I drove back to L.A. along Highway 1 with a
lightness in me; an amazing smile on my face.
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But back at home, I didn't meditate at all. It was too hard without a teacher or
without the other people in our class, and honestly, I didn't really remember how to
do it.
Aching to find something meaningful to do in the last several months before I
turned 30, and knowing how good I felt in Big Sur, I decided to sign up for a
meditation challenge at a new studio called Unplug Meditation
(http://unplugmeditation.com/) in Los Angeles. The goal was 20 meditations in
the span of 30 days.
I had access to all classes and all teachers. Like a yoga studio, I could try different
types of meditation and see what I liked the most. On day five I decided to try a
mantra meditation class because I didn't know what that meant and I thought it
sounded sexy.
The teacher told us that it was perfectly okay to let our minds wander. There is no
such thing as a distraction. We were going to repeat a generic mantra inside our
heads and whenever we noticed ourselves getting lost in thought, or going on
"mental excursions" as he called them, we would very casually, almost nonchalantly
come back to the mantra.
Very little effort was required. It was okay if we forgot the mantra or even forgot
what it was we were doing. If we found ourselves falling asleep, "this is also
correct," the teacher said. This was fatigue unwinding from the body.
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Everything Changed When I Started
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He then said the mantra out loud -- a meaningless word -- which he repeated a few
times. No sound can be uttered that doesn't mean something in some language, but
we were told that this word had no intended meaning.
When I first heard the mantra, it felt like something carbonated had leaked inside
my body and I had to stop myself from bursting into laughter or bursting into tears
at the same exact moment. I had a wide grin on my face for the first several minutes
of meditation and I had no idea why.
We continued with our eyes closed, repeating the mantra for about 20 minutes.
When I opened my eyes at the end, it felt like I was on a drug. It was so different
from every other time I had meditated.
The next morning I decided to sign up for a Vedic meditation (a version of mantra
meditation) workshop that my teacher was leading. We met for four days and
learned the intricacies of the practice. I was given a personalized mantra that I now
use when I meditate. I don't know the meaning of the mantra or how it's spelled,
and some days I like the sound of it and some days I don't.
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We were encouraged to start practicing twice a day for 20 minutes, once in the
morning before breakfast and then again sometime before dinner. I took the
schedule to heart and by the end of July, between my Vedic practice and my studio
commitment, I had sat down to meditate over 50 times.
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I had many questions throughout the month, but the one that nagged at me and
just wouldn't go away was this: If there's no such thing as a distraction, and if we
are allowed to let our minds wander, then how is this different than just sitting
down for 20 minutes and thinking?
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Each teacher had a different response. But what it comes down to, really, is the
intention. When I meditate, I have the intention to sit down and practice. To sit
down and repeat the mantra. And this simple intention actually becomes a bigger
intention to let go of all expectations about what my meditation should be.
That doesn't mean I don't have dozens upon dozens of thoughts. And that also
doesn't mean that I'm meditating unsuccessfully. But when I notice that I'm off
thinking about something else, I drift back to the mantra, and that process allows
my mind to settle. There are many different kinds of meditation in the world and I
can only talk about the kind that I have learned.
We have anywhere from 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts a day. Sitting down for 20
minutes with our eyes closed is not going to stop us from thinking. Hearing this
was a relief for me, because I let my mind wander often. All the time. Some
metaphors that teachers used to describe our brains during meditation go
something like this: our brain is like a train station and all of our thoughts coming
and going are like trains passing through. We can choose to get on the first train
that comes by, or not. We can sit and watch the trains come and go, observing our
thoughts, noticing that we are having thoughts.
Another teacher said we are like a great big mountain and the thoughts passing
around us are like clouds in the sky. The mountain does not move, the clouds
around it do.
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The author Donna Tartt refers to a stoic character in The Goldfinch as a "planet
without an atmosphere." It's a phrase I love and one that I returned to during my
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Some days I felt all over the place; unable to settle in, muscling my way through the
mantra and itching for the 20 minutes to be up. Other times, the 20 minutes would
fly by so quickly that I would open my eyes a little freaked out.
Some days my meditation would be full of random questions, like are Jon Stewart
and John Oliver faithful to their wives? What does Paul Simon eat for breakfast? Is
there vitamin C in the rind of an orange or just inside? Does the soul age and
change with us throughout our lives, or does it always stay the same?
During my meditation month, I took the practice out into the world with me -some days practicing at the beach after swimming with friends, or lying down in a
grassy park under a great big tree after getting my immune injections at the doctor.
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Occasionally I had these luscious, thick meditations that dripped like honey
through my brain. I found this pocket in between thoughts, when the mantra would
echo off the walls of my brain slowly, lulling me into a wave of calmness like I was
underwater but still breathing.
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During one meditation, it felt like the teacher vanished from the room. Another
time, it felt like I vanished. One day I suddenly noticed the difference between
saying the mantra in my head and hearing it. And for whatever reason, that felt like
a breakthrough of some sort.
But no two meditations are the same, and every single time I sat down has been a
different experience. The only constant so far has been how I feel in between
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I smiled more in the month of July than I had in many months before. I woke up
with an unexplained giddiness, this strange excitement that I couldn't identify. My
thoughts and emotions felt less compressed, like there was more air in between
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I wonder what my 20s would have been like if I had learned to meditate sooner. I
wonder if my health would have been different or if I would have been able to
handle it all better. Or if maybe all of this was part of a grand order of things. I
have room in my life now where I didn't before.
My mantra has shrunk from those 15 words on a card to just one, and the greatest
lesson I learned in my month of meditation was how to let go. How to let go of 14
other words that I no longer need, how to let go of a disorder that has defined me,
how to let go of all the passing thoughts, how to let go of people I held too tight.
In some ways, the experience of meditating every day has sort of felt like falling in
love. There are butterflies and excitement and you want to tell everyone about it.
You can't wait to see each other and even though it's so hard to wake up 30 minutes
earlier in the morning to sit down and meditate before coffee, you do it. Making
room for this new great thing in your life doesn't require effort and it doesn't feel
like a sacrifice. It feels like I have found an anchor. But unlike love, it is not another
person. The anchor is me.
This post is part of the Third Metric Challenge series. We invite you to find a
creative way to incorporate the pillars of the Third Metric (well-being, wisdom,
wonder and giving) into your life and share your story. To submit a post, email
thirdmetric@huffingtonpost.com (mailto:thirdmetric@huffingtonpost.com).
Follow Sasha Bronner on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@sashabronner
(http://www.twitter.com/@sashabronner)
Conversations
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2014/08/10 09:47 PM
Add a comment
15 comments
Demarus the Midwest Medium

Great article! So many of us miss out on the greatness of meditation. There is a
wonderful calm and clarity in meditating however. Meditation is a beneficial to the mind
and exercise is to the body.
Reply Like
8 August 8 at 4:36pm
Ken Rubenstein
Top Commenter Goleta, California
If everyone took up daily meditation, I'm sure the world would be a very much nicer place.
Reply Like
5 15 hours ago
Shailaja Shailaja Osmania University

thanks for this great article.I also following this chanting of mantra daily during my
journey to my job and i too some tines wander and come back to the mantra but i feel its
not good .after reading this iam happy that its common for all.this avoids us from so many
unnecessary thoughts. some times watching others.I would like to add the mantra should
have some meaning which gives mental peace. we can also practice this meditation
during journeys and traffic jams ,in waitings also
Reply Like
Mathias Troubadour
Top Commenter Trinity College, Hartford
beautifully written. it cannot be understated how impressive it is to have described

something so elusive, so demanding of patience in yourself. well done.
Reply Like
Mathias Troubadour
Top Commenter Trinity College, Hartford
correction "overstated"
Reply Like 13 hours ago
Lindsay Lind
I like that. "The anchor is me" makes for a great mantra.
Reply Like
2 19 hours ago
Aveen Banich M.D

An interesting read on the benefits of daily meditation.
Reply Like
Jamelle Sanders
Top Commenter Johnson & wales university 1,307 followers
I love it! Powerful experience and I know the benefits.

Reply Like
Jasmine Rachel Princess Jones Manager at MANAGER AT TUPPERWARE

What is the word??????
Reply Like
2 20 hours ago
Jessica Lathem University of Alabama

This sounds a lot like centering prayer (contempletive outreach.org), which is based on
ancient Christian mysticism with influences from TM as well as Zen teachings. The real
difference, as I see it, is that in centering prayer a person's intentionality is not just to
clear the mind but to open oneself up to hear God. That is, through the intentional
practice of centering prayer (vis-a-vis meditation) one becomes receptive and thereby
listens for the presence of the Divine. This is a very well written glimpse into what it feels
like to practice meditation or, in my case, centering prayer. The experience sounds pretty
much the same. It's kind of like you have a deep knowing, a sense of inner peace that
you want to impart and share with everyone else but it does require discipline and
practice so most folks don't stick with it long enough to really get the benefits. One of the
most interesting/memorable experiences I had while practicing centering prayer was
when I did it at my old college campus and afterwards my friend asked me what I
remembered from back then (during the prayer time) and I said, "All of it." It was like a
flood of all my experiences in that place washed over me in those 20 minutes and it was
indeed mystical.
Reply Like
Suze Yalof Schwartz
Top Commenter CEO & Founder at Unplug meditation
WOW! This is amazing! I LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I am so proud of you Sasha for going for
it so fully and want you to get back to unplug meditation ASAP so you can smile through
August on . :)
Reply Like
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