About the Author

Paranoid schizophrenia could afflict anyone. Could be

anyone. A disease that happened to her in late 20s, due to
certain life choices.
Recreational drugs. Relationship deaths and selfdestruction.

Dedication
I dedicate this book to all the fellow sufferers out there.
Keep fighting. And also to my family who have blundered
their way through supporting me and my son, with little or
no guidance, but always with love.

Anonymous

BY THE LIGHT OF THE

SILVERY MOON

I N S I D E

S C H I Z O P H R E N I C
M I N D

Copyright Anonymous
The right of Anonymous to be identified as author of this work
has been asserted by her in accordance with section 77 and 78 of
the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be
reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any
form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,
recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the
publishers.
Any person who commits any unauthorized act in relation to this
publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims
for damages.
A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British
Library.

ISBN 978 1 84963 944 6

www.austinmacauley.com
First Published (2014)
Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd.
25 Canada Square
Canary Wharf
London
E14 5LB

Printed and bound in Great Britain

Acknowledgments
My love for my long suffering son.

Introduction
I have several dilemmas with writing this book. Perhaps the
most important reason for wanting to publish this book is to
hopefully challenge the common opinion that all people
with schizophrenia are raging murderers and dangerous
people. And so are people to be wary of, even scared of and
people to protect yourselves from.
However, I continue. Another dilemma I have is that so
few people around me know of the true extent of my illness,
i.e. that I'm paranoid schizophrenic. This has been a
deliberate act by me in order to protect those most dear to
me, in particular my son. He knows my status. I have been
open and honest with him. But I am all too aware how cruel
adults and especially children can be. I don't want my son to
find himself in a position where he might be forced to
continually defend his mum from verbal attacks. Growing
up is hard enough these days without having a paranoid
schizophrenic for mum. So I will probably wait to publish
this book until my son is old enough to deal with any fall
out it may cause or write under a pseudonym.
I also have a need to be honest with all my friends and
neighbours about my illness. I have had to lie for so long. It
would feel so good to finally tell them the truth. Even at the
risk of losing a few of them as friends. Not everyone is so
understanding unfortunately.

First Chapter
Oh, to be well the early years
My life started normally enough: Regular childhood;
Happy/sad, carefree pretty much. Sheltered.
We moved around a lot as kids for no particular reason
other than Dad got bored. I think these genes passed onto
me, as I was eager as a 17 year old to travel to London and
join a performing arts school in Leicester Square. I dropped
out of this after one year and ended up doing office work for
Warner Bros. in Wardour Street.
After a few months I was bored again and one day saw
an advert for dancers for the circus! Thats mine I thought,
and after an audition I joined Chipperfields Bros. Circus as
a dancer, on a tour of the UK. I promptly got myself
involved with the lion tamer and even had a go at it myself,
what a buzz! The lions were pussycats in my hands! We
later went on a tour of Asia with the Chinese State Circus, I
danced and he was ringmaster. After 8 months of this,
seeing Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia, I returned
home to the UK, back to Mum and Dads.
I had been home five minutes when I was literally swept
off my feet by an Italian delicatessen owner in the local
disco. He fast became the love of my life: My beautiful
Italian man. But, and you know there would be, after only a
year and half, he "needed his space" and I was promptly
dumped.
That was the beginning of the end of my sanity. Aged
24.

Second Chapter
Sinking Ship
On a downward spiral I was targeted by this man who has
ruined my life as I knew it. Im not even gonna flatter his
very large ego by telling you his name, other than to say
devil by name, devil by nature. (He will be known as 'Crow'
from now on). I had observed him from a distance in our
little circle of friends and I knew full well what I was
getting involved with, on a naive level that is. I had never
fallen for the bastards of this world before. This was my
first.
Although your mummy warns you of these types of
men. We subsequently got involved and I filled my life with
drugs supplied by him, the usual mix of weed, skunk,
cannabis, speed, cocaine, e's, acid, mushrooms: Mindblowing shit. It was fun and exciting at first; just what I
needed to lose myself at that time. We would travel to all
sorts of places for raves, get drugged up and dance the night
away. Drugs. Raves. Paganism. All mixed up together in
our little circle of friends in flat England. Which led to
anxiety, paranoia, and panic attacks starting to surface their
ugly heads. At the same time I was just coming out of my
shell, interested in all things spiritual, trying to make sense
of it all. He did nothing to help me with these symptoms. I
despaired and ended up at the doctors for some
antidepressants. I only took them for a week or two.
Ironically I didn't like popping pills!
The most important factor at this time that I didn't
realise was that I was gradually being programmed,
groomed and conditioned by my partner, links and
associations being subtly made by him.

It was mental abuse.

Basically fear was driven into me when I was at my
most sensitive and vulnerable. And even in later life I would
relive the full repercussions of this.

Third Chapter
Lost Soul
Ours was a turbulent relationship which ended in 1996. I
moved back only to discover a month later that I was
pregnant. It was a difficult time, with a lot of toing and
froing. Eventually I settled on my own and was in labour for
2 days before eventually giving birth to a beautiful baby
boy. (He will be known as Babe from now on). After the
long and arduous birth, I was shell-shocked but completely
happy with my new baby. Crow came to see his son for a
week and made a few visits after that in my new home in
Totnes.
One visit he brought drugs which I freely smoked and
suddenly all the old fears came flooding back, leading to a
frightful night when Babe was 9 months old, when I slipped
into a psychosis. I was unaware of becoming aware.
I drove into the night to my sisters house with my baby
to get help. I remember asking for a bible as I had forgotten
the Lords prayer and knew that I needed to recite it. Over
and over I recited this prayer looking and hoping for some
salvation and peace. Mum and Dad turned up in the
morning to help. They took me home to theirs. The doctor
came round. I was given calmers, diazepam and sleeping
pills I think, and booked in to see the psychiatrist. Hours of
talking ensued. All the associations of the past came back to
haunt me. Crow was a big factor in this. They agreed I had
been mentally and emotionally abused by Babe's father and
diagnosed me with post-natal psychosis. Six months
followed during which time Babe and I lived with Mum and
Dad. I was prescribed an antipsychotic drug and told that I'd
had an acute episode.

Fourth Chapter
Chink of Light
After this time we moved into our own little flat down the
road, where we had a peaceful and happy time apart from
the occasional visits from 'scumbag', as my Dad called him,
to see his son, which upset both me and Babe. Gradually I
got more control of this situation and I arranged his visits
instead of him telling me when he would visit. I put on
weight because of the medication, which upset me and I
shied away from social situations as much as I could. I did
everything for Babe, however, going to mum and toddler
groups, trips out with Homestart. I had few friends but was
happy with just me and my son. I had regular visits to the
psychiatrist to talk, adjust meds and assess our needs.
After two years things were settled and New Years Eve
2000 came and went, which we celebrated with family in
the village.
The following year I felt the need to start to reduce my
meds with the psychiatrists help, with the idea to come off
them altogether. We did this over a relatively short period
of time with a locum psychiatrist. This was a mistake and I
became unwell for a second time. Nave and in my shell.
Again I slipped into an acute psychosis and this time I
insisted to mum that I wanted to go into hospital. Mum and
Dad had Babe.