There was a time, not long ago, when I would think about my

experience with depression and become irate. There were many times
it kept me awake all night long. It was not the illness itself that I
struggled with (in memory) but the bloody ignorance, not from the
public, but within the medical community.

I have been in group therapy with other wonderful people. I have seen
countless psychiatrists and met countless psychiatric nurses over the
years. Believe me when I tell you that the stigma associated with
mental illness is most evident amongst them. To add insult to injury
they are not nearly as knowledgeable about the psychiatric medication
as one would hope.

During one of my regular trips to the psych ward and the assessment
after the fact, I had my first of many experiences with severe Paxil
withdrawal. I was in for a few days and had not been given my
scheduled dose of Paxil, which I had been taking for over a year at that
point. I was being assessed because I felt suicidal while taking Paxil
and had been riding the waves of irritability bordering rage. They
attributed this feeling to severe depression, dismissing the idea that
the anti-depressant had anything to do with it. In fact the question was
never raised at all. The anti-depressant was eventually proven to be
the cause of those haunting suicidal thoughts, but unfortunately, that
came to pass many months down the road.

I don’t quite understand why some people suffer so much and others
very little from missed doses or withdrawal, but I suffered like hell. I
really felt like I was going to die.

Depending on who you believe, forty percent of Paxil users will

experience the same. I believe this figure is an under-estimation. This
is based solely on the fact that I have met a large number of Paxil
users and they all have had the same hellish ordeal to relay. They
always tell their story wide eyed as though they had been through
something unimaginable. That’s because they have. They are always
angry, feel betrayed and even frightened, long after their ordeal has
ended. (Keep in mind that Paxil and other anti-depressants can have a
paradoxical effect, making the depression much worse than it was
before initiation of anti-depressants)

The newbie doctor that strutted down the hall like he was King Shit,
would not give me my medication until the following day. At that point,
it had been 48 hours without Paxil. Paxil has a very short half life,
which means the withdrawal symptoms will appear much more quickly
than other anti-depressant and more severely
I am not exaggerating when I say that I could barely lift my head off
the pillow. I was shaking like a fish out of the water, vomiting,
hallucinating and all of the other wonderful experiences that go along
with Paxil withdrawal. Every minute that went by without it seemed
like an hour. My sanity was quickly slipping away and I was terrified. I
did not sleep for 48 hours due to the severity of the symptoms. The
anxiety attacks came and went in waves, one after the other, for hours
on end. For anyone that has ever suffered through this, knows that you
become extremely desperate. I felt like a heroin addict ready to kill for
my next fix.

Let’s be clear on this point. The initiation and withdrawal of Paxil (and
many other anti-depressants)can be life threatening. Even if you
happen to be one of the more fortunate ones and don’t suffer as
hundreds of thousands of us have, it will still be an experience you will
never forget.

I kept telling the bloody nurse that what I was experiencing was
withdrawal. This woman was a psychiatric nurse and should have had
some knowledge of how these drugs can cause serious harm during
withdrawal, or at the very least, that such a thing exists. She looked at
me like she had no idea what I was talking about and said “There is no
such thing as anti-depressant withdrawal”. I wanted to beat her with a
stick. If I’d had the strength to go and find a stick, I just may have
done that. By the way, withdrawal can also cause homicidal feelings
and actions.

Later that same day, Dr. King Shit, flirt of the year, told me he would
not assess me in my room. He wanted to go into this closet like office
down the hall where it was more private. I had a room to myself. No
roommate. It was as private as private could be. Why the hell did I
have to leave my room? I was sufering like hell because he had no
idea what was happening though he should have.

At that point I could barely walk let alone discuss much of anything. My
speech had become impaired by then and loss of motor skills was
evident. I had thrown up everything and was committed to the dry
heaves. The room was spinning in circles. I told him this or tried to. He
absolutely refused to continue the conversation unless I followed him
to that bloody closet. Furthermore, he taunted me by getting up to
leave me there. “I can go on to the next patient if you refuse to
comply” he said. Did I look like a ten year old in detention?

Shrinks are the strangest people you will ever meet, not all of them,
but a lot of them. Sometimes the room is not big enough for their ego
and their idiosyncrasies. They are bit nuts! I have met with about six
different psychiatrists over the years. The first one I had told me he
hated his career and wished he had gone in the trades. Great! The
third one could not stop picking his nose in front of me and would fall
silent and stare into space for ten minutes at a time. (Those were
really long appointments). Then there was the female doctor that was
the most argumentative person I had ever met. She would ask me a
question and then answer for me and then argue the point. Sometimes
I was never quite sure which one of us should be laying on the couch.
It was like the blind leading the blind. At least I could keep my finger
out of my nose in public.

Just as a heroin addict would do absolutely anything for relief, I

managed to follow that nut case down the hall, using the wall to
support myself. I told him what he wanted to hear, in as few words as
possible, just to get those pills. I did not care about the assessment
any more. Surviving it and him was my only driving force. Getting
those pills and getting the hell out of there was my priority. Had he
been more knowledgeable about the medications and less interested
in his reflection in the glass, he could have prevented a potential
tragedy that was set to occur six months down the road.

Are we all just guinea pigs here? Have we really gained much ground
with mental illness? How could we when we have narcissistic,
argumentative, nose pickers that dream of being plumbers leading the
way? I definitely believe that those of us that have had these
experiences are far more educated and can be of greater benefit to
others that are suffering the way we did/are than a psychiatrist without
a personal experience. (Or a nut case with a fetish for small spaces
and his own reflection)

There was also a time, thankfully it was a short time, when I started
self medicating with seroquel. Now seroquel is usually used for bipolar
disorder but proves very effective as a sleeping aid and more to the
point, a great numbing tool. I had to go to the doctor and have a
prescription re-new. I had been going through them rather quickly. The
idiot prescribed 400mgs/day and provided me with a year supply. As
any addict would be, I was thrilled. I felt like I had just won the lottery!
”its not addictive” he told me. I could not look at him when he said
this. I did not want him to see how shocked I was that he did not
realize just how addictive it really is, and how easy it is to start
abusing, and that I was obviously abusing it myself. I worried that if he
saw that look of shock mixed with extreme delight, he might double
check with a pharmacist and realized what he had just done. So I
avoided eye contact. Of course then I had another problem. I had to
wean off seroquil eventually and this lead to another journey through
hell. “not addictive” holly shit! I was high all day and all night long for
months.

I worry about those that are suffering now. I fear for those that don’t
have a clue that this process is not simply about symptoms of an
illness, treatment options and visiting the doctor a few times a month.
Do they realize the stigma they face and the frustration they will
experience, all due to a lack of education? Do they have any idea that
anti-depressants are prescribed simply by trial and error and mostly
error? Do they know there is no quick solution and every single
decision they make could have long term, life threatening
consequences? Do they understand that psychiatry is one big mystery
and definitely not an exact science and never will be in our life time?

Individuals whom have gained the wisdom of discontinuing anti-

depressants and other psychiatric medications have been frustrated to
their wits end by these so called experts. This wisdom was hard earned
as the experience was so awful and almost killed us. We surf the
internet and read forums because we had to, because sometimes it
was a last resort. We start off in withdrawal promising god that if he
allows us to get through this we will become better people and when
that does not work and our prayers are not answered we start the
bargaining process with the devil. (probably not a good idea but
individuals going through withdrawal hell are not exactly rational at
that point and are willing to do just about anything to make it stop)

What about those that have taken their own lives and the lives of
others due to anti-depressant withdrawal? How many of them are
there? How many of them have taken their own lives leaving families
behind who had no idea that their loved one did not die of an illness
but due to ignorance inspired and manipulated by a billion dollar
industry. Why is it that the GSK and other anit-depressant
manufactuers failed to inform the general public that there has been
one common denominator between a large percentage of these school
shootings? What is the common denominator? Anti-depressant
withdrawal!! Instead we are lead to believe that it has to do with lack
of discipline, bad kids that were beyond help, video games and the
internet, violent movies etc…

This travesty is further supported by the doctors we place our very

lives and trust in. We have trained nurses who tell patients that there
is no such thing as Paxil withdrawal. Can you imagine the needless
suffering that has been hiding in plain sight for all these years and
clearly continues to do so? I want to know why? Even if you are not
taking an anti-depressant or your child is never prescribed an anti-
depressant he/she attends school with kids that do take them, cared
by parents and doctors that have not got a single clue about the
dangers that lay ahead.

For those individuals that find it difficult to believe a drug could cause
such rage or make a person take their own life in a very violent way,
why don’t you start taking them and then try to stop after six months?
I promise you that this little experiment will make you a believer. And
then, while you are rocking like a nut case on your bed, for weeks on
end, screaming at the top of your lungs and crying, try to imagine a
child going through this same ordeal.

I am in my thirties and if push comes to shove, I have money, support,

resources, a bad temper and family. Butt what about those that do
not? What about the little old lady that suffers like hell and instead of
recognizing that her condition is caused by an anti-depressant, she is
either ignored (because little old ladies are useless and annoying) or
her doctor treats the symptoms of the withdrawal as evidence of a
more severe form of depression. Instead of being slowly weaned from
the drug, her daily dose is increased and now she is emotionally
paralyzed, wondering halls, quiet and obedient, not complaining or
annoying any more. Not living, just alive in god’s waiting room or else
she becomes severely suicidal and jumps out the window. Neither is
acceptable. You bet I’m pissed off!

Six months after this experience, I went to my regular GP. (Another

village idiot) I told him I had to get off Paxil. At the time, I was still a
newbie myself. But somehow I knew that what I was experiencing had
everything to do with Paxil. He cut me off Paxil cold turkey. All ninety
milligrams of it. Two weeks later I attempted suicide. I went into
respiratory arrest and did not regain consciousness for three days. The
only thing that is truly shocking about this is that I hung on for two
weeks.

A person has to be extremely desperate and in a great deal of pain to

take their own life. It is human nature to fight for our lives not end our
life (This should give you a better idea of how hopeless it can feel). I
did not want to die, but I believed it would never go away and only get
worse. I could not imagine another moment, let alone one that was
worse. My suffering far outweighed my coping abilities. I did not stand
a chance against Paxil withdrawal. If you happen to be like me, one of
those that make up that forty percent, you won’t stand a chance
either, without the proper guidance and support.

Do NOT ever stop taking an anti-depressant medicine without being

fully informed and without help from your doctor. NEVER quit cold
turkey! Never Ever!!!! Even if your system is not as sensitive as what
they claim mine is, you will still suffer like hell. Always remember that
a missed dose can cause equal amounts of suffering until you take
that pill. Don’t go on vacation and leave your drugs at home. You
might not make it back. And being locked up in a saine asylum, in
Mexico is not much of a vacation!

Had I died, I would have been the woman that you would have read
about in a community newspaper that committed suicide because I
was severely depressed. I would have not been the woman who died
because of severe withdrawal from a drug that should never have
been prescribed or because of a doctor that had no idea what he was
doing. His lack of knowledge stemmed from putting his trust in the
hands of a company whose sole purpose is to profit from our stupidity.
However, I am not letting doctors off that easily. If I can figure this out
then they should be able to as well.

GlaxoSmithKline have admitted, in a court of law, that they

intentionally withheld information that would have prevented severe
suffering and countless deaths. (Lawsuits are going on as I write, and
in several countries around the world.) They have been forced to put
warning labels on their product but they are still limiting consumer
awareness and play with words to make it sound far less dangerous
than what it actually is. They refer to it as “discontinuation syndrome”
because the word “withdrawal” is easily associated with imagines of
junkies shaking, twitching, sweating, vomiting, suicidal, homicidal,
screaming, crying, raging, desperate people willing to do anything to
end their suffering. The truth is, at its worst, it is exactly like that.
Consumers should associate withdrawal from illegal substances with
Paxil withdrawal. The only difference is that Paxil is easier to get and
legal. Shockingly Doctors are still in the dark and some of them are
prescribing to children and the elderly that have less of a fighting
chance than you or I.

I know that I can sit here for hours, day after day, and write about how
disturbing anti-depressant withdrawal can be, but my words alone will
never give it the justice it deserves.

Paxil is the most widely prescribed anti-depressant on the market.

(some report that it is the number one selling drug on the market and
others have cited it as the third) Depression will become the second
leading cause of world wide suffering by 2012 (world health
organization) GlaxoSmithKline is now preparing for the next
generation, our children, to target with their creative and dishonest
marketing as they attempt to profit from a rapidly growing illness with
their unstoppable star “Paxil”. How many funerals will we host before
we stop allowing these people to target the people we love and
ourselves? How long will the FDA allow these companies to manipulate
an industry, target innocent people and ignore the standards we pay
for and expect in this country. They are nothing more than slick drug
dealers in a fancy back alley, professionally packaging their poison If
you want to experience hell, and I don’t think anyone does, stop Paxil
cold turkey.

Hell will live up to its reputation just for you