Who am I? What am I?

This is the second article that was based on a discussion and talk on one of our
retreats on Holy Isle, Scotland – September 2009

From a Buddhist perspective, we have a surprising answer to the question posed here.
I don’t exist!

This is an amazingly difficult concept to grasp as we spend our entire lives protecting
this thing we call ‘I’. In this article, I take a look at this particular answer, from the
Buddhist perspective, to see if it could actually stack up with reality.

Firstly, it is very clear that there is an entity called ‘Andy Spragg’ There is a thing
standing on earth, moving about, communicating and making decisions. But is there
actually anything individual and permanent about ‘Andy Spragg’ or am I just the sum
total of my component parts, moving and interacting with the world. The idea of
permanence is interesting. It is here where we hit the real heart of this question. In
order for there to be an ‘I’, there must be something permanent, in some way, about
this entity called Andy Spragg. A Soul perhaps?

My personal interpretation of this question comes from the Buddhist perspective, that
this entity is made up of the 6 elements. Earth, Air, Fire, Water, Space and
consciousness (the mind).
It is with the mind element that the discussion gets interesting. The other 5
elements can quite easily be seen as temporary and transitory. Take water for
example. Water actually makes up about 70% of our bodies, so for any element to lay
claim to ownership of the entity from a volume perspective, it would be water.
However, we know that water is constantly flowing into and out of us. (Try holding
on to ‘water’ for a day or two and you soon discover how little ‘ownership’ of the
water element you have). Water is the glue that holds our cells together and gives the
viscosity that allows our blood to flow. Without it, our cells turn to dust. However, it
is completely transitory. It merely contributes to the Andy Spragg’ness at a point in
time and continues flowing and changing.
If we look back at all of the 5 main elements and meditate on them we find the
same. Some are easier than others to see their true nature but all are transitory and
impermanent. We cannot ‘own’ them. They pass on and become a part of other
things. Constantly flowing. So, the question to ask is ‘ is the mind the same? We are
starting to touch two Buddhist concepts here that are incredibly important. Sunnata,
the concept of the void or lack of s single ‘self’ and Anatman, the concept of a lack of
a soul. For many spiritual traditions, the concept of the soul is key. So I’ll tackle this
one gently. But before I do, let me explain something. The Buddhism I practise isn’t a
faith. It is an experiential practise. It is however still a spiritual practise. In my
practise, I seek to experience things directly either through my meditation or my daily
observation. However, anything that I haven’t experienced may and could still exist.
So I cannot just discount things that are outside of my own experience. With this in
mind, I do not discount the existence of the soul. I just don’t understand it.

So, with this thinking in place, if we were to have a soul, where would it sit? It
doesn’t feel like it would sit in the body, as the body’s transitory nature doesn’t seem
to allow for this. Intuitively, to me, it would sit with or in the mind. Perhaps our soul
is our mind?
Through meditation, we begin to understand the nature of our minds. A
fascinating, chaotic jumble they prove to be. Thoughts tumble through like flotsam
and waves on the surface of the sea. I REALLY hope that this isn’t representative of
my soul otherwise my life after death will be an exceptionally chaotic place. It seems
clear to me that this chaotic jumble that makes up my thoughts can’t represent my
soul.

So, from the perspective of my mind, we maybe start to arrive at what makes up this
entity called Andy Spragg at a much deeper level. Yes, the 5 elements of earth, air,
fire, water and space have there place. But they are like the bricks and mortar that
make up a library. The library is nothing if it wasn’t for all those books in side. And
the more varied the books, the more successful the library. From my meditations I can
see that my mind, as it stands (or sits?) today is the result of everything that has gone
before. But I should be a little more specific here. What we find, as Buddhists, is that
our minds as they are, are the result of all the decisions and choices and actions that
we have made and undertaken before. i.e. everything that we have made some form of
choice over, moulds us and makes us. Good or bad, skilful or unskilful, it’s all in
there. Through my practise, I really FEEL how every single choice I make and have
made, brings me to where I am today. There is nothing now that I can do about those
choices I have made. But actually, what this means is that my mind is as transitory as
my body. Thoughts come in and pass through my mind. I choose to act or not and so
my mind has a fluid nature to it.

I, however, find this deeply comforting. Because of this, I CAN progress. I can alter
the unskilful parts of my character and make progress. If I was something static, it
would imply that my character was static. I’d always be the way I am, including my
unskilful aspects! But it’s not like that. I can progress and I can change. Actually, with
every choice I make and therefore every action I take with intention, I change just a
little.

The best way to illustrate this is to move back to the body. If I have a fit body but I
stop exercising, start to eat a high fat diet, I smoke and I drink heavily then over the
years the appearance of my body will definitely change for the worse! The same goes
for my mind. If I make choices, within each moment, unskilfully, I will gradually
change. The more mindful I become and the more aware of the moment-by-moment
operation of my mind, the more aware I become of all the tiny choices I am making.
Many thousands a day. When I see someone at a distance, If I am mindful, I become
aware of the views I form towards that person, even if they are total strangers. The
decisions and choices, tiny though they may appear at the time, are like just another
slice of cake or one more cigarette. They mount up and they are habit forming. They
make me! This is Karma truly at work. This is what Karma is.
So back to the question. Who am I? Well, there doesn’t seem to be much left. I think
here we get down to simple awareness. Interestingly, when we take ‘ourselves’ out of
the picture, we have true awareness left. We don’t overlay our mental habits, our
emotions, our past history, our Karma, on the situation. We are just purely aware. In
the rare occasions when I experience moments such as this. When I can totally let go
of myself for just an instance and experience things as they are, I feel truly at peace.
This, I think may touch the edge (the very edge that is) of enlightenment. Of course,
to be enlightened I believe we have to let go fully, completely and permanently. A tall
order.

So here I have a fascinating and confusing conclusion. Here ‘I’ am, working to make
personal spiritual progress. And in my own small way I believe I am. But, to hit the
end-game, I’ve got to fully let go of this preoccupation I have with a ‘self’ a ‘me’. But
then, who would be making the progress!?!

Andy Spragg
www.re-vitalise.co.uk