At a recent Manchester United -Arsenal game , Alex Ferguson goes into the United

changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. "Whats up? he asks.
Well, were having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know its important
but its only Arsenal and we cant be bothered, we always beat them.
Alex looks at them and says, Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go
down the pub.
So Ferguson goes out to play for United by himself and the rest of the Manchester
United team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is
going, so they get the landlord to put the television on. A big cheer goes up as the
screen reads Manchester United 1 - Arsenal 0 (Ferguson 10 minutes). He is
beating Arsenal all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers
It must be full time now, lets see how he got on. They put the teletext on. Result
from Old Trafford : Manchester 1 (Ferguson 10 minutes) - Arsenal 1 (Walcott 89
minutes).
They cant believe it; he has single-handedly gotten a draw!! They rush back to Old
Trafford to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat
with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. He says, Ive let you down,
Ive let you down.
Dont be daft, you got a draw, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very
end! the players say.
To which Sir Alex replies: No, No, I have, Ive let you down I got sent off after 12
minutes

-----------------------------------

A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greets him and says: "Before I
can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was
particularly good."
The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St. Peter that he
hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.
"Well," says St. Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?"
"Yes, I have," replies the man proudly.
St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.
So the man explains, "I was refereeing this important match between Liverpool and
Manchester United at Anfield. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more

minute of play to go in the second half when I awarded a penalty against Liverpool
at the Kop end."
"Yes," responded St. Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps
tell me when this took place?"
"Certainly," the man replied, "about three minutes ago."
This is my favorite one.

---------------------------------

"The Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football, is
suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, the
manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for
Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the
media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first
day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down
but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love
me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the
street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and
your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great
time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the
first place!"

----------------------------------

Man Utd have just signed an up and coming striker from Senegal.
On the first day of training, Fergie picks up the ball and says "BALL" then points to
the goal and says "GOAL". He then mimes a kicking motion and says "KICK.
Understand? Kick, ball, goal. GOAL!"
The young striker offended at the assumption that he doesn't speak English plucks
up the courage to say "Excuse me, Mr Ferguson but I actually speak very good
English" to which Fergie replies, "Sit down son, I was talking to Rooney."

---------------------------------

The England team visited an orphanage in Brazil just before the World Cup. "It's
heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.

-----------------------------------

Wayne Rooney visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital. "He's doing great. He can almost
string a sentence together," said Fabrice.

------------------------------=----

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans and
Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer
Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return
victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says "He doesn't half talk some shite eh? He couldn't
fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the
crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our
campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd is up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty
Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bull-shit, I'm off to France to
check this out." So Brutus sets off for France and three weeks later he comes back
to Rome.
Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and
Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those bastards
out"
The crowd is up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty
Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed
50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed
25,000!"
The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence.
Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says,
"Brutus, you are forgetting one thing... Away Gauls count double in Europe."

---------------------------------

I met a couple of Manchester supporters at the pub the other night.

"Do you often go to Old Trafford?" I asked.
"Yeah, of course!" they said. "We've found the perfect way. Ten minutes after kickoff we climb over a fence!"
"That sounds great," I replied.
"Yeah, but last week we were caught and had to sit down and watch the rest of the
game."

----------------------------------

A Liverpool, Man U, Boca Juniors, and River Plate fan all meet on the top of a giant
cliff to argue about who is the best football fan in the world.
The Man U fan says, "I am the best football fan of the best football team in the
world, and to prove my devotion to football and to Man U I will jump off this cliff.
And as I am falling to my death I will yell Go Red Devils!"
The other three fans don't believe him at first, but he jumps off and yells "Go red
Devils!"

The liverpool fan, not wanting to be outdone follows suit and jumps off the cliff
yelling "for Liverpool!"
The Boca fan, knowing in his heart that he is truly the greatest football fan in the
world yells, "Para Boca!" and.. Pushes the River Plate fan off the cliff.

---------------------------------

Why doesn't De Kuip have a roof? So Feyenoord supporters can spot the real stars.
A Feyenoord supporters walks to the ticket office and slams down 200 euro, cashier
asks him, would that be a season ticket or a player?
What happens when a Feyenoord supporter swallows a fly? He'll have more brains in
his stomach than in his head.
What is it called when the Feyenoord bus drives into water? An accident. What do
you call it if they're able to swim? A disaster.
What's the difference between a Feyenoord man and a dildo? The Feyenoord man is
a real dick...

---------------------------------

A PSV fan enters the doctor's office. "Doc," he says, "I'm crushed by the weight of
my own existence. I'm horribly depressed with all the suffering and injustice I see
around me. Sometimes I feel like I'd be better off if I wasn't smart enough to
understand it all. I took an IQ test the other day, and it indicated that I'm at 155,
which seems more like a curse than a blessing..."
The doctor's face lights up in excitement. "Coincidentally," the doctor says, "I've
been looking for a person just like you! I've built this machine, you see... it's still in
an experimental state... but I believe it can accurately drain 1 IQ point per minute
from any brain. Say we... hook you up for 20 minutes or so, you'll wake up with an
IQ of 135 and might feel a whole lot better!"
The man agrees and the doctor starts the procedure. After 20 minutes he awakes
the man from his slumber, and, still somewhat groggy, the man asks the doctor
what exactly has happened.
"Well, the machine searches for neural pathways and destroys them with targeted
laserbeams, essentially reducing the number of computations your brain is capable
of making in a given period of time."

The man looks disappointed. "Doc, I still completely understood everything you just
said. I think I'd like to be a bit dumber still." So the two agree to hook the man up
for another 15 minutes.
The doctor awakes and, frantically, checks his watch for the time. He discovers he
had fallen asleep on the couch, and the man has now spent no less than a whole
hour in the machine. He desperately unplugs the man from the machine and tries to
wake him up.
"Can you hear me, man?! Are you alright?!?"
The man opens his eyes, looks at the doctor, and utters: "F.... FFFF.....
FFEEEYENOORD FEYENOORD FEYENOORD!"

-----------------------------------

Liverpool haven't won the league since Jon Flanagan's mum and dad were just
brother and sister.

----------------------------------

Albert Einstein is attending a big party. He approaches the first guest and asks:
"What's your IQ?". "160" he replies. So they start talking about quantum mechanics.
Then he approaches another guest and asks: "What's your IQ?". "120". So they start
talking about politics and economic reforms. He then approaches a third guest and
asks his IQ. "80". So they start talking about hot women and reality shows. Finally,
he approaches a guest in the corner. "What's your IQ?". "20". And Einstein replies:
"So, what about Inter this year?"

-----------------------------------

Two kids are sitting in their kindergarten class*, one is wearing a Boca shirt and one
is wearing a river plate shirt.
Which one is bigger?
"The kid in the Boca shirt... He is 18"

-----------------------------------

What do you call a Boca fan with half a brain...

Gifted!

----------------------------------

This is not as relevant anymore, but...

What do you call a river plate player with a trophy?
A thief!

-----------------------------------

Whats the difference between Arsenal and a bag of shit??? the bag.

----------------------------------

What is the difference between an Liverpool supporter and a baby?

A: The baby will stop whining after awhile

---------------------------------

A Liverpool fan, a Man Utd fan, and an Arsenal fan are the sole survivors of a plane
crash in the Sahara. They manage to salvage water bottles from the wreck and set
off across the desert to find rescue. After three days of travel, they are close to
death from exhaustion and hunger when they stumble across a recently deceased
horse.
The Liverpool fan says: "Well, since I'm a Liverpool fan, I'll eat the liver." After some
thought, the Manchester United fan says: "Well, since I'm a Manchester United fan,
I'll eat...the chest"
The Arsenal fan says: "I'm not hungry."

----------------------------------

A young boy goes to social services and tells them he has nowhere to live. What
about your parents? asks the social worker. No, they beat me, says the boy.
What about your grandparents? says the social worker. No, they beat me even
harder! says the boy. Well where do you want to stay then? replies the social
worker. Tottenham, says the boy. They never beat anyone."

-----------------------------------