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An Essay on Teshuva based on Darash Moshe, Drush 2

By Rabbi Sender Haber
I
Many years ago our forefather Yaacov married two wives, Rachel and Leah. He later married
their two maidservants Bilha and Zilpah as well. The Torah tells us that Yaacov spent more time
with Rachel than with any of his other wives, despite the fact that Leah was the mother of the
oldest children and also the bulk of the twelve tribes. Reuvein was bothered by this slight to his
mother.
When Rachel passed away, Reuvain was sure that his mother would finally receive the central
position that she deserved. He was shocked to find that Yaacov had left Rachels tent and
moved, not to Leahs tent, but to the tent of Bilhah. Reuvain took action and moved Yaacovs
possessions to the tent of his mother, Leah.
As Rachels children grew older it became clear that Yaacov had a special fondness for them. He
taught all of his wisdom to Yosef and Yosef began to tell of dreams in which the other brothers
became subservient to him. The situation finally came to a head when the brothers saw Yosef
off in the distance and conspired to kill him. It was Reuvain who convinced them not to kill him
but to the throw him into a pit instead. Reuvain intended to return and rescue Yosef.
Reuvains plan did not quite work out. The brothers sold Yosef and when Reuvain returned to
the pit he was no longer there. Reuvain had not been with the brothers at the time of the sale
because he had been busy repenting for his sin of moving his fathers belongings from Bilhahs
tent. When he saw that Yosef had disappeared he sat on the ground and ripped his clothing in
distress.
The Medrash tells us that Hashem himself consoled Reuvain. You, G-d said, are the very first
person in history to do Teshuva. You will have a great-grandson named Hoshea ben Ailah who
will call upon the people of his generation to do Teshuva as well.
On every Shabbos Shuva we read the Haftorah of Shuva Yisroel from the prophet Hoshea ben
Ailah, descendant of the tribe of Reuvain. Reuvain was the first person to do Teshuva and it is
fitting that his grandson is the prophet who calls upons to Teshuva before the destruction of
the first Beis Hamikdash and every year at this time.
This Medrash is puzzling. Was Reuvain really the first person to do Teshuva? What about Adam
and Chava? They ate from the tree of knowledge and life against the express wishes of Hashem.

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The Gemara in Eiruvin tells us: Rav Meir said: Adam was a very pious man. When he saw that
he had brought death to the world he sat and fasted for 130 years. That should count.
Furthermore, the Medrash tells us that Yehudah is credited with inspiring Reuvain to repent.
Why does Reuvain get credit as the first?
II
Before we speak of Teshuva, we need to talk about why it is that people sin. It seems that if G-d
had made a perfect world where everyone who did good was rewarded and anyone who sinned
was punished, we would have no doubts in our mind and no desire to sin. We sin because we
think well get something better. We sin to enjoy ourselves or because we dont understand
why we shouldnt.
The reality is, and everyone knows this, that our understanding of bad and good is limited.
What we naturally think of as good is not truly good or fulfilling.
First of all, we are all going to die. At some point we have to realize that none of that money or
fame or even good reputation is going to help us in the grave.
Secondly, we know even if we dont like to think about it that nothing lasts forever. Markets
change, job markets change, interests change. Not everybodys fifteen minutes lasts forever.
Most importantly, the man or woman who has everything never really has everything. We wish
we had what he or she has, whether its their family, their social life, or their car, but we all
know that he or she is never totally happy. The Talmud tells us that nobody dies satisfied.
What then do we have? We have wisdom and knowledge and happiness. We have our state of
mind. None of us mind working hard as long as we believe in what it is that we are doing. If we
believe in our cause, we are willing to give up our money our jobs, our friends, and even our
lives for that cause.
King Solomon said that to the man who is good before him, Hashem gave wisdom, direction
and happiness; but to the sinner he gave a compulsion to collect more and more stuff.
As mature people, we understand that the very best thing in the world is to have a cause that
we can believe in. Well do anything and do it happily if we truly believe in it. The Medrash says
that Mordechai was that man with wisdom and direction and happiness. Haman was the sinner
who was just obsessed with power but was not happy.
Reb Yom Tov Ehrlich sings a song about a Russian General who came through Poland and
Germany and attended at a banquet after the end of the war. He rubbed shoulders with the

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U.S. generals, the French officials, the British Admirals and the Russian leaders. As he looked
around at the ball his eyes fell on a statue of Napoleon. He thought to himself, Thats where
Im going to be. In a few years everyone will forget my name and what I did. When I die a few
people will put down flowers and then I will be totally forgotten. At best I will be made into a
statue for people to stare at and rest their drinks on. The general ripped off his medals in
disgust and began to reminisce about his childhood in a tiny Russian village. He thought about
Shabbos and about his parents home. He remembered his father taking him to the rebbe and
getting a blessing that he will grow up to be a righteous man. He remembered his mother on
her deathbed promising that she will always be with him and he knows that it was true. By the
time the orchestra started up a waltz and got ready to honor him, he was gone. He ran away to
the United States and became one of the old men who sat at the back of the shul. He said hed
had enough of being a general. Hed rather be a simple drummer in Hashems army.
We sin because we forget what is really important to us. We make irresponsible decisions
because we want instant gratification. We want to satisfy our laziness or our temper or some
other terrible Yetzer Hora that we have.
Hashem doesnt make it easy for us. He makes it very unclear whether we are headed for
anything good. We know that Hashem forgets nothing, but that is not always apparent.
Still, it is worthwhile to be a Tzaddik. The day to day is rough, grueling, even tortuous at times,
but we are fulfilled we are connected with something good and we are headed somewhere
worthwhile.
III
We cope with all of the ups and downs and challenges of life because our lives have direction
and meaning, but what if we were to find out that we are wrong? What if we suddenly realize
that our adamant stance is taking us in a wrong and meaningless direction?
This is why the teshuva of Reuvain was different than any teshuva that preceded him. Adam
and Yehuda knew the rules and broke them. They were great people and they knew that they
had broken the rules. Regret was easy, penance was natural. Everyone knows that you
shouldnt marry your daughter-in-law or eat from the one tree that G-d tells you not to eat
from.
Reuvains sin was totally different. Reuvains sin was a philosophy. He felt bad for his mother.
He felt that Leah was the future of the Jewish people and that she had been wronged by
Yaacov. He couldnt bear to see Bilha taking a place ahead of Leah. He knew that there would
be consequences for getting involved, but it was worth it to him. This was what he believed in.
If he were to die doing it he would die with a smile knowing that he was fighting the good fight.
Even if Yaacov disagreed, he was ready to go forward. He believed in it.

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The children of Yaacov were divided into two streams and Reuvain believed that the future lay
with Leah. All of the kings would come from Leah. Reuvain, Shimon, Levi, Yehuda, Yissachar and
Zevulun came from Leah. They got things done. The children of Leah were not impressed with
Yosef or with Binyamin, Dan, Naftali, Gad or Asher. Even Yaacov sent Yehudah ahead to
organize Goshen. He wasnt willing to put it all in the hands of Yosef. This wasnt about sibling
rivalry; it was about the future of the Jewish people. Reuvain was on a mission.
The Gemara says that if you think that Reuvain sinned, you are making a mistake. Even at its
simplest level, Reuvain was sticking up for his mother. Thats nothing to apologize for.
Still, in the final analyses Reuvain did not act correctly. He was criticized by Yaacov and later by
Moshe and later still in Divrei Hayamaim. He was criticized by history. He lost his birthright and
his right to be king. It was probably all worth it.
This was the greatness of Reuvain. He realized that he was wrong. He didnt do teshuva on his
actions; he totally changed his way of thinking. He saw Yehudah regret his physical misdeeds
and took it a step further. He said, I can also do teshuva, not only on my actions, but on my
entire being. I can change who I am, what drives me and what I am passionate about.
IV
You might have part of your family that has been shunned for generations over an argument
that nobody remembers.
You might be upset at somebody for their political views or for their apathy.
You might have one weakness that you feel is part a parcel of your being and who you are.
So many of our beliefs are governed by the thirteen principles of faith and those are inviolate.
But we have other beliefs too. We need to change some of those. Just because you didnt need
bicycle helmets and positive reinforcement when you were a kid doesnt mean that it is a
mitzvah to keep your minhag going. We all have things that we do because we convinced
ourselves that they are right. They are a philosophy, a way of life. Teshuva is actually changing
our minds.
Csand Szegedi was a politician in Jobbik and a member of the European Parliament. He was
considered an anti-Semite. He tried to block the Jewish congress from meeting in Hungary, he
denied the holocaust and he wanted to register all Jews on a list because they might be
enemies of the state. Then he found out that he was Jewish and that his grandmother had been
in Auschwitz. Suddenly, he knew that the Holocaust did happen and that his grandparents were
there. He realized that Ant-Semitism was unfair and he didnt feel so comfortable being antiIsrael anymore. He resigned from his party.

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That is teshuva. Segedi completely changed his way of thinking. What he did to change his ways
wasnt so important or relevant except to make the story more interesting. The way he thought
was the real challenge. But he did it.
Think back to something that you used to believe in. Rethink it. If you dont believe in it
anymore, come to terms with that. Say I was wrong about Vietnam, or about the Mets, or
about organic fruits or unethical people.
If you still believe it, think about that even more strongly. Why arent you fighting for it
anymore? Are you above thirty and just going with the flow? Are you too busy, too burned out,
or too chicken?
The real teshuva happens in our minds. We need to set a course for ourselves and be willing to
adjust it when necessary. If we had expected to have five boys who would be an all-star
basketball team and we ended up with three girls who are doctors, we need to adjust our
whole way of thinking. There is more to it than just saying, Im proud of you, I understand
or Ill go to the graduation.
That takes change of thought. It takes a new direction and thinking about things totally
differently.
That is what we are obligated to do on Yom Kippur.
Hashem wants us to focus on what is difficult and He wants us to focus on doing what we
believe is right regardless of hardship. And when it comes to teshuva, the most difficult teshuva
of all is calibrating what we believe is right. The hardest change is changing our minds.

On January tenth, 1992 a shipment of Rubber Duckies was headed from Hong Kong to the
United States. There was a terrible storm and 28,800 bath toys were washed overboard. Ten
months later, on November sixteenth, the Rubber Duckies started to show up on the shores of
Alaska. There were also red beavers, blue frogs and green turtles. They spent about three years
circling around with the oceans currents and showing up in Hawaii and Japan. Some made their
way through the Bering Strait up to the Arctic Ocean and were actually frozen into the Arctic
Drift. Oceanographers got involved and predicted that they would eventually reach the
Northern Atlantic. Rewards were offered. Sure enough, the Rubber Duckies spent about six
years travelling across the North Pole and started to move southward. They were spotted in
Maine and Massachusetts. In 2007 a duck was found on a beach in England. These ducks are
faded and covered with seaweed but they have been sold at auctions for over $1000.

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The most amazing thing about this story is that he oceanographers were able to predict exactly
where and when the ducks would land. The Rubber Duckies made a difficult, heroic, and
famous journey, but there was no will power. They are just Rubber Duckies.
Dont be a Rubber Duckie. Dont just go where you are told and let the oceans currents pull
you around. Dont let yourself go into automatic pilot. Think hard and be willing to change your
way of thinking.
Based on an address by Harav Moshe Feinstein to the Jewish Community of Luban, Shabbos Shuva 1922.

Rabbi Sender Haber is the Rabbi of Congregation Bnai Israel of Norfolk, Va. This is one of a
series of essays based on the Derashos of Rav Moshe Feinstein. Rabbi Haber can be contacted
through his blog: TorahLab.org/outoftheloop.

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