What does one do with a dream differed?

I have so many gifts, and talents, thats what people tell me all the time. I
think though there is some level of genius that is so loud and compact that
is, is like a trap. I mean it is like a tightly wound bundle of thought. I have
visions and then another, a dream and then another. I dont lack focus, I
dont control it. It just spins and spits, and its a violent rampaging volcano
vomiting flames that devour all that I am, until I am consumed. People like
me need people. The issue is people do not do. They just say, you are
amazing. You are an amazing, funny talented, genius mind. What does
that even mean, if I am not supported? I can sing, but no one is offering me a
stage or a mic or staying in my life and helping me see any project through.
So I am just writing and creating and creating. Song after song, is trapped in
a note book, or on some meaning CD that only me, and my lover listen too.
What now?
I am a phenomenal writer, but the thoughts are so random, so sporadic, and
pencil or pen to paper resounds like the ranting of a mad hatter on good
drugs. It is insanity at its finest. I have too much to say to be a writer. Writers
like me need editors. We need people so engaged as to record our ranting
and choose which part it flows together in some sensible pattern. Patterns,
flowing controlled symphonies of balance, which make sense, do not reside
in me. My thoughts spin words around so quickly that they form destructive
forces, like winds that blow in four directions at once! Hurricanes! Maybe I
should just start typing and that could be the title! That would be profoundly
disastrous to any career I might want to start but also hilarious and sort of
serendipitous since, well at some point, talent and genius is nothing but a
chaotic disaster! People like me need people, but people like me hate
people!
I have a unique mind, for creating business models that are so water tight
they cannot fail! Really! The are folded neatly like the most perfect flower.
No, I realy mean it! My business models are a thing of divinity and do not
lack any way, the innovation of beauty that is necessary to become historic
and world changing empires of might, power and finance. But I cannot
properly word the business plan. I mean I can sit you down at a fine board
table and use the white board, and pitch it to you in 10 minutes flat, from
start to finish. I just cant seem to draw them on paper! WHY? I am such a
great writer, but then there are those hurricanes! Those hurricanes can
become too wordy to quickly and I cannot find where to cut any of those
words away without feeling that the entire plan is utterly destroyed of its
perfection. People like me need people. People with business minds, but no
business that they lack imagination. People like me need business minded
children at heart. Do those kind of people exist? Its hard to say from the

confines of the lab I lock myself inside of. I have to have quite as I place
these puzzle pieces together that fly at me at the speed of light! People like
me cannot be disturbed by people.
I need an audience. I need to share the other worldly information that runs
through the seat of my soul and spits out of my pineal gland. My 3rd eye is
open. I teach with a power comparable to the Christ. I do not understand I
OVERSTAND ever word of every holy book as if I wrote it with my own pen. I
am not exaggerating! I did not ask for this gift or even work for it. I was a
child teaching my own mother the mysteries of heaven. She did what any
good mother would do and sent me off to the church. She figured children
like me, need people. She thought, a congregation of people should surround
me and that it would only be right for me to share the effortless God head
download that had obviously been placed in me before conception. The
church, well, they dont want Jesus. The rejection was a crushing blow of
emotional combat. It caused me to discover sex and drugs and a fine drink,
they call Remy Martin. I find more peace sharing my great wisdom with men,
wallowing in their own emotional crisis at little funky bars, and women, who
are thought to be loose and out of control! They listen to me like square
people listen to sonnets. They sway to the rhythm of the blues playing in the
background and my words all at once, like somehow both things are one. I
quote a scripture they have never heard Give strong drink unto him that is ready
to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Proverbs 31:6 They tell me
Rayne, I am not righteous or wise so I quote another scripture Do not be over
righteous, neither be overwise-- why destroy yourself? These verses of the bible, are
not popular at your local church, but I find they do well for me on 6 th and McClay and in
the heart of the Ghetto in Fortladerdale Fl on 3 rd street under a tree at a place we call
The Shoot House. They buy me a drink, that liquor is their offering. I accept.
They request that I stay a little longer and continue. I can witness with my
own eyes the lifting of heavy overbearing weight from their soul. Weight they
thought was their fault, but not so. That way was placed by people claiming
to be like Jesus. I can see darkened eyes gain new flame and the light
reaches my heart in good pace with the cognac and now, at this moment,
this is GOD and this bar, is my church. People like me are misunderstood &
destroyed by people.

I am told that I am mentally ill. I have spent nights in the house of the
insane. I have listened purposefully to the ramblings if the too far gone.
There is a romance in it for me, listening to insane rambling, I mean. You see
what they are doing outwardly is what I am doing inwardly, I am just luckier,
more talented. I am highly gifted in the art of blending in. Blending in, is
another subject all together. I listen intently to rambling. One man that I

know sit alone in the corner of my favorite bar. Wards in Dainia. (Unless
you have a romance with the utterly gutter and all things hood. DONT VISIT)
There is a man that sits at Wards always alone, Laughing and talking to
himself. I asked the hardened female owner of the bar who is he. She
replied Bitch hes crazy!, but he dont bother no body, leave that man
alone I thought He Is Crazy? I ask her who is is and she tells me he is
Crazy. I thought I would live to meet Crazy. Its way my mind tics. Maybe his
is just that. Maybe he is the spirit, the spokesman so to speak, for the
condition of many people on this earth. Maybe just maybe he is the epitome
of an epidemic that has spread across the globe and plagued the human
race, since Eve, and Cain. Crazy is defined quickly in a google search as
mentally deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way. This
man, sitting ten feet away, maybe he, is holding the key. He may be the
embodiment of CRAZY! That is his name after all. I mean according to this
woman, my name is bitch and his name is crazy. I am sure I am the
spokesperson for and embodiment of BITCH, so, I must speak to CRAZY!
I walked over, and since he was already in deep conversation with that which
I could not perceive I decided rather quickly that as long as they let me ease
drop I would not interrupt.
Haha aint that just how it goes! , Well she did it to herself, HAHAHAHAHA,
On and on I listened to one side of this conversation. I realized, that when
someone is conversing with someone you cannot see, you perceive it as
rambling. I had to know the full content of the discourse. So I broke my
silence. What are you talking about? I asked. Well Hello He said to me, as
if clear and not insane at all. I was taken aback considering what I had just
witnessed.
( I JUST LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT! SOMEONE KNCOKED ON MY DOOR
HERE AT HOME THEY DIDNT CALL BEFORE THEY CAME! People like me hat
announced visitors!)
Where was I? Oh yes the man, how clear he was. I told him my name and
they he said Look up there, over there at that light post I Looked up and
saw a VERY tall street light that was on the corner there.
You see that gal? he asked me Yes I do, I see a Street Light He conitued
If you climb up there on that thing and reach the top. Then you jump off
whats gonna happen?
I will fall

Sho hell will, You will fall right down and bust your ass and no body or
nothing can change that. Nothing cant save you from it. Hey If a Pastor
Climb up there what ya think gone happen to him?
He will fall
yep, and a doctor
He will fall?
UMMM HMMM, you know why that is?
Its a long way up and if you jump off you will just fall
Yeah but Do YOU KNOW WHY THAT IS?
No. tell me.
HAHAHAHAHA, GRAVITY! HAHAHAHA!
I started to laugh to, seemed like a simple thing for me to miss. But the joke
was not the end. He continued still
Gravity is a Law. PERIOD. That law is like a universal law, it works the same
way for all of us. Dont matter who ya is, what ya give is what get, what do
comes back, what ya plant is what ya grow on and on like dat. HAHAHA
I see what you mean
Naw, no you dont , see you think, the pastor, gone fix it, the drink gone
heal it, the sex gone make it feel better, the friend gone ease it, the money
gone pay for it, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA you see what Im sayn? Dont matter who
ya are or what ya got or what you do LAWS IS LAWS! They aint hard, they
aint complicated, they is just laws and NO BODY CAN SAVE YA FROM IT!
You just taught me a very deep thing bra bra
Yeah I did
I want to talk to you again
Me too
He misunderstood my motivation, and began to flirt with me in heavy
fashion. I realized this moment was also very important. Had he not begin to
be overbearingly crass I might have misunderstood his wisdom as Who he
was and not an insanity that had possessed him.
Yes Ill take another drink Remy Straight no chase. Yes I see you all the time
here as well. Yes, we will talk more next time I see ya! I am sorry you feel
lonely, maybe you will will find a nice woman to ease that, be who you want

to find, like you told me. LAW. There is some law they say is universal you
can use for that. They say its called Law of attraction hasnt worked very
much for me but you seem to understand these things better. NO I WONT
GO HOME WITH YOU MAN! YOU ARE CRAZY!

I dont know why I found it necessary to feed you that story, not even sure
how I arrived at it, HURRICANES! Anyway now I have forgotten the entire
point of this pouring out. I think I was trying to express the curse of genius!
The reason why Curt Cobains wake up and decide to blow their brains out
and why Micheal Jacksons find need of tiny little pills and eccentric foolery,
why Whiney Hustons & Marlon Manroes are found dead in bath tubs and
why Picassos cut their ears off! Genius is as close to insanity that one can
come without being assigned to a strait jacket. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Geniuss
NEED PEOPLE ALL THE TIME! People, caring, clapping, adoring, talking,
debating, drinking, laughing, dancing, making passionate and unforgettable
love, having wild and unencumbered sex because Genuss LOVE PEOPLE.
People, quite, in the other room, cooking, cleaning, organizing in irritating
fashion, disturbing the fine confusion of ones perfect storm of mess and
organizing the things that are so wonderfully unorganized, babysitting, just
sitting, sitting silently just close enough to watch, BUT FAR ENOUGH AWAY
AS NOT TO DFISTURB ONES UINQUE ENERGY!!!!!, because Geniuss HATE
PEOPLE!

I just remembered that I told you that fitting in was another subject. I do not
fit in. No, I DO NOT FIT IN ANY PLACE WITH ANY GROUP OF ANY SORT! They
tell me solitary confinement can be a form of punishment. I have heard that
this type of punishment can drive a person insane. However, like I said
before, genius is already boarder lining insanity so its too late for that shit.
People like me need to be alone. But there where silence is so loud that it
chatters unendingly with memories of past lives and information pouring out
the ether, there in that place is a rabbit whole so deep that if one should fall
down it they shall NEVER RETURN. If I were to allow myself to converse with
me for some unrealistic amount of time I would began to see and hear things
unimaginable to most minds, but ever so easily created by a mind such as
mine. My mind is not me! This too is another subject. However touching upon
it seems so effortless at present that I will risk continuing. MY MIND IS NOT
ME! My mind is a machine, but not like your computer, more like a super
computer. Still more flexible than that, larger, all encompassing. I am a
universe in side of a universe inside of still another. This too is another
subject all together. HURRICANES! In a way I have devised (by listening

intently to Mooji ( my guru) & another teacher by the name Eckhart Tolle) a
way in which to differentiate my mind from my true self. Not that they are
really two, but How can I describe this large spiritual thought with small
and meaningless English words? Ok I have two hands ( giving thanks to the
all) I have two hands one on the left and one on the right. They serve me in
the same way yet in different ways. My right hand is not my left and the left
not my right. My foot is not my hand and my head is not my foot. All of these
things can be said to be me. But. I AM NOT ANY OF THESE THINGS! I have
found that in this way my mind is no different then a foot or a hand or a pair
of eyes. It is a tool in which I am to use in order to do. If I so choose to do, I
utilize my mind to do, whatever it is that I will be doing. However I, am not
DOING whatever it is that is being done. I do not do. I BE. HAHAHA. I am a
being. I spend my time in eternity being and all the rest of the tools provided
are to serve me. These tools, mind, body ect they are the ones who do the
doing. So I realize like my hands are doing this typing my mind does the
thinking. I simply listen. I decide to accept or reject each idea or thought.
Sometimes I love what I hear, as it is filled with unparalleled beauty and
perfection. Other times not so much. You see, my mind, is LOADED with
information, some purposefully loaded and some loaded by simple sensory
processes, some information came by of experience, some based on
recorded memory, some of it from a time I do not recall in solid fashion, but
it echoes from some time in the ancient past or far future and they call this
subconscious. My mind runs a program, I call it that because it is the correct
word for it in this present information age. This program is very complex. For
instance, lets say a man approaches me. Tall, black, but red in tone, thick
lips, great build, or tall White, golden hair with perfect frosty highlights,
Leonardo in Blood Diamonds kind of sexy, a man who is well spoken and
obviously deep and intelligent, so deep and intelligent that it is obvious in
the smooth way of his approach. My mind says OH YES! That guy would be a
wonderful shag and lots of great trouble to get into. It says this because of
past experience and sensory processes. It sends a signal to my body and
well HURRICANES! But not soon after I began to like this man very much
and I began to feel an attraction deeper then what is painted on the outside
my mind runs this program again, and pulls on past experiences and
calculates a projection, or a picture of the future based upon the current logic
it has come to hold concerning the issue at hand and then it speaks He is
too sexy, to smooth, he makes love too well, he must have done this many
times before in order to perfect the art in such a deep way, he is running
game! GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN On a perfect day while sitting with
this perfect lover out of the blue this thought, which has not even happened,
but is simply the result of information, most of which has absolutely nothing
to do with this moment or this man, incites an emotion. Only I am clear that

this emotion is NOT ME! My mind is NOT ME, the thought is NOT ME! I feel
fear. I feel afraid of getting hurt. But I do not react, I do not fight this feeling,
I may even cry. However I am clear that this is only a thought projected by
my mind based on information and I am also clear that I can feel this fear
allow it to come in and move out and get back to my day. I correct my minds
choice of reasoning and feed it another way to process. I say This
deepening of our emotions for this other individual may become risky, if we
do not love with a willingness to let this go when it is time, for the time may
come. When I and if I and this other person, comes to the end of this
PRESENT romance and it is no longer serving us, I will give thanks for THIS
NOW TIME and let him go without blame, hurt or regret. I keep reinforcing
this new thought. The next time my mind runs its program. I do not hear the
prior thought, but the corrected one. The next time in this same situation I do
not feel any fear at all. I MUST PROGRAM MY MIND! I use my mind, it does
not use me, it is not me, it is a useful tool a part of me which is NESSASARY!
My ego is not my enemy. I must learn to use it correctly as it has its place
and is useful where it is properly utilized. My mind is not my enemy and my
emotions serve me as well. Why did I tell you this now, I knew if I touched on
it I would get lost in it! HURRICANES HURRICANES AND MORE FUCKING
HURRICANES! Ok Stay calm center, refocus. I was telling you about the
danger of me being trapped in long discourse with me..
Right. Ok. This is a dangerous thing. However I talking to my mind is also
necessary. I have to listen to it and take the time to reprogram and update
certain outdated and erroneous information. This REQUIRES QUITE! However
left alone with it for too long is well. CRAZY! One cannot sit and allow their
mind to ramble on and on! I would never get rest. It will just be trained to
think and think obsessively and without a single solitary moment of quite! I
have to have quite to reprogram my mind, then I have to quite my mind,
then I NEED PEOPLE! So that I can be introduced to new ways of perceiving
and new connections which teach me so much. PEOPLE LIKE ME NEED
PEOPLE TO TALK TO AND LISTEN TOO! And PEOPLE LIKE ME NEED PEOPLE
SHUT UP AND GO AWAY LET ME THINK!
I am going to call this a chapter and make this the end of it. Its as good a
place as any to stop. Plus I have decided that this going to be my book! I
dont have people! I have been spending my time connecting to the
universe! I have become one with all things and all people, however I am
sure I achieved this by being ALONE! Which is not serving me at present.
Since I have no people and I cannot organize my own thoughts this book will
be a book of unorganized thoughts! The ramblings of a Genius boarder lining
insanity alone in the punishing solitary of her mind. But of course with the
television on history 2 and my husband just close enough to touch, but

silent, watching without hovering, playing some video game which intrigues
him. Just being without interrupting the energy. Because people like me need
good TV shows and wonderful lovers.

Chapter 2
I am strong! I am a master teacher. I understand the ways of the universe
and all of the simple oneness of as above so below esoteric LOVE AND LIGHT
that creates the LOGOS THAT IS THE MAGIC WHICH manifests the worlds!
RIGHT? I am an empath, a born psychic. No really I dont even need the
cards for help. I can literally look you in your eyes and tell you about your
entire life! You know what being gifted in such a way means dont you? It
means I HAVE THE ANSWERS FOR ALL OF LIFES QUJESTONS!!! Right?....... NO
WRONG!!! I have the answer for all of your lifes questions! Its a silly little
joke of metaphysical nature. The seer can see into everyones life but there
own. (No really!) Its a little known fact that is well established in the world of
the extremely gifted blessed and cursed, that all things are clear except the
people live with every day. I guess it really isnt any different for normal
folk. I mean when I tell my lover a story about another couple, there is a
clarity and wisdom which can not be matched by any professional counselor
on earth. The wisdom rolls of my lovers tongue like a Guru in tantric bliss!....
(Ooooooommmmmmm & Nameste Love and light to you my dear
padawan!) Thing is though when we are going through similar absurdities,
the clear vision in this being fades like the dawning sun in full flight, right
before the horizon swallows it WHOLE! CRASH BANG BOOM! Everything is
clear from the outside looking in. Why in the hell is this? I mean what type of
magic is this? I mean honesty is the best policy right? I love you and you love
me.. Right? But then what is love. And I want to make love. HUH? You
mean you wanna fuck? Excuse my vernacular but I swear all that I say to you
is said with the utmost respect and reverence.. I think anyway I mean I
dont know you reader, but I assume.. YES I ASSUME you are a fan since
you are reading this. If you are a fan you are a genius I mean , well I
imagine that you are. YES, I think, I assume, I imagine, and I know. Like I was
saying when I was just telling you about yourself. I mean I would ask
you to tell me a little about yourself, but I wouldnt believe a word of it, since
I already think I know. I assume you know that I know that communication is
the key. Did you know, :the longest distance that can be created between
two lovers is communication. Or.. was it a conversation? Anyway.Reader
forget what you are saying I need you to validate my opinion of the situation
FIRST! HURRICANES! Sorry about that I lost track of what I was doing and
what I was saying and why actually, which happens a lot when we began to
talk so much like this. I mean I never stop thinking, not even when you are

talking so Its hard for me to catch the meaning. You know what I mean? I
mean I cant Believe that YOU ARE SO DIFFICULT TO COMMUNICATE WITH!
Why cant you just hear me out reader! Why CANT YOU JUST UNDERSTAND
what I try to say instead of talking about what you want all the time. Its my
house, my laptop, my writing, and I have invested a lot of time in trying to
get you to understand ME! HURRICANES! Sorry again I am really mad at my
lover today reader and I happen to be taking this out on you or was that
my boss who pissed me off? YES and the 8 am traffic on I95 today really HAD
ME HEATED! Do you know I am behind with my class work and the baby got
sick in school today! These people called me at work and I told my boss that
I must pick up my kid, and take him to the doctor and he tells me something
like If you cant manage your personal life bla blab la. I dont know I
started seeing red after that part. Cold blooded bustard! So I get to the clinic
and they tell me they can not find my kids records! Im like We have been
coming here for YEARS, stupid lady!? How can she not see him in there? Oh
and I got a ticket for parking today! Can you believe they gave me a ticket
for parking IN FRON OF THE CLINIC where we always park. Now its supposed
to be some kind of handicap spot, but I SWAER I didnt see any sign at all!
Im going to fight that. HURRICANS AND MORE HURRICANS and Oh what
were you saying? Sorry ADHD, My mind is on flame I am trying to finish what
I HAVE TO DO READER!!!! OK! Stop putting so much pressure on me. I can
not just stop the world for YOU! I mean I am a MASTER TEACHER! I have a lot
of people who need me and I CAN NOT DO EVERYTHING BY MYSELF! Stop
trying to make ME the SUN in YOUR UNIVERSE! GROW UP! Oh wait what was
I saying, I mean what was this chapter about? Shit HURRICANES! Yes the
book is about that! So we can go back to that from the beginning! Chapter 1
I told you about the dude at the bar. Remember? And then You said Then I
said then. Wait that was me and my boss! Hold on WHY am I fighting you
READER? Oh yeah because YOU DONT LISTEN AND YOU DONT GET IT!
THATS WHY! Oh by the way how was your day today? Enough about that
reader you are always so negative and I AM THE ENLIGHTENED ONE! So
Listen to me Shit I HAVE TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING READER! You NEVER
TEACH ME ANYTHING! I am ONLY HUMAN YA KNOW! This conversation IS
OVER!.................................. Meditate that.
I mean this is the sound of love on Saturday after the Remy bottle is
empty.. Right?