COLD OPEN

INT. ABBIS KITCHEN - MORNING

A hungover ABBI searches desperately for water. The sink
is clogged and full of dishes. She sees BEVERS on the
couch as he pours the last drops of water from the Brita
pitcher directly into his mouth. Abbi opens the freezer
and pulls out an ice cube tray. Bevers looks up and
throws Abbis keys to her.
BEVERS
Abbi! Think fast!
The keys knock the ice cube tray out of Abbis hand and
the only ice cube falls to the floor.
ABBI
You are literally killing me.
BEVERS
Im killing you? You left your
keys in the doorknob all night. A
stranger could have come in and
taken advantage of me.
Abbi dry heaves.
BEVERS
You should really drink some
water.
ABBI
Oh should I? Heres an idea - how
about you refill the Brita for
once in your life and dont clog
the sink?
BEVERS
Somebodys a Grumpy Cat this
morning.
Bevers makes a spot-on Grumpy Cat impression. ILANA
appears in the front door, out of breath. She wears a
Sherlock Holmes hat and has a pipe in her mouth.
ILANA
The game is afoot!
BEVERS
Ilana, who do I look like?

2.
ILANA
A giant baby fisherman.
BEVERS
Come on, Im Grumpy Cat!
ILANA
Oh yeah, I totally see it. Good
for you, dude.
BEVERS
Thanks. Now if youll excuse me, I
need to use the litter box.
Bevers exits to the bathroom.
ILANA
Alright biddy, weve got a mystery
to solve. Whats the last thing
you remember?
ABBI
I blacked out right after Lincoln
picked you up.
ILANA
Lincoln didnt pick me up, that
was his friend Frank.
ABBI
Was that racist of me?
ILANA
Nah, Franks white.
ABBI
I think I need to go to Planned
Parenthood. I feel like I had sex
last night.
ILANA
Perhaps. I left you here at 12:18,
and you texted me at 3:34 saying,
Cuchi cuchi. Crazy in love
Ilana.
ABBI
What else did I say?
ILANA
Nothing. I asked you like five
times to re-send the love Ilana
part in a separate text, but you
stopped answering.

3.
BEVERS (O.S.)
Abbi? I think the toilet is
clogged, too. You should call your
landlord, its pretty bad in here.
Abbi and Ilana are disgusted and exit without responding.
INT. ABBIS APARTMENT HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
JEREMY walks in as the girls leave. Abbi dry heaves.
JEREMY
Hey, Champ. Hungover?
ABBI
This isnt a hangover. Im ill.
Very sick. Doctors couldnt
diagnose it.
JEREMY
Just get some grease in you and
youll be fine. I meant to say
thanks last night, but you left
pretty quick. Ill repay the favor
next time I see you.
Abbi is frozen, and Ilana lifts Abbis hand up to wave
goodbye to Jeremy as he goes inside.
Oh my God.

ABBI

ILANA
I know. I cant believe he just
quoted my favorite porno. I feel
like its underrated just because
it came out during the bush era.
ABBI
No, Ilana. Do you think I could
have...
(whispering)
...slept with Jeremy last night?
END OF COLD OPEN

4.

ACT ONE
INT. ILANA AND JAIMES APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING
JAIME stands at his mailbox, which he uses as a locker. A
mirror is glued inside the door and covers the mail slot.
Jaime admires his reflection as the MAIL CARRIER walks
in.
MAIL CARRIER
Is that your box?
Jaime looks down at his crotch, confused.
MAIL CARRIER
That mailbox has been full for six
months. Preventing the mail from
being delivered is a federal
offense!
JAIME
I didnt mean to offend anyone.
The Mail Carrier hands him a certified letter from the US
Department of Immigration.
MAIL CARRIER
Looks like your days of postal
interference are numbered.
EXT. OUTSIDE ABBIS APARTMENT - MORNING
Abbi extends her arm to hail a cab, and MARIA is
written in marker on her forearm.
ILANA
Da fucks Maria?
ABBI
I dont know. Maybe shes my
skanky alter-ego.
ILANA
Can you introduce us?
A cab pulls up.

5.
INT. CAB - CONTINUOUS
Abbi and Ilana get in the back seat.
ILANA
Driver, we have a possible Skanky
Mystery in progress. Im going to
need you to take us to 26 Bleeker
Street STAT.
ABBI
Maybe we should tone the name down
a little.
ILANA
How about a Panty Puzzler?
ABBI
You know I hate that word. Its
creepy.
ILANA
Well call it a Whodunit for now,
but Im not ready to give up
panties all together; its a
perfectly good word.
ABBI
I cant believe I might have slept
with the man of my dreams and I
dont even remember.
ILANA
You should have them do a DNA swab
at Planned Parenthood. They have
kits for that shit.
Oh no no.

CAB DRIVER

ABBI
Yeah, I mean I dont think the kit
is necessary. That sounds pretty
serious. And expensive.
CAB DRIVER
I dont go to Planned Parenthood.
Abbi and Ilana notice Christian memorabilia inside the
cab.
ILANA
What, dude? Youre a cab driver,
and we have legal tender.

6.
ILANA (CONT'D)
You cant just pick and choose
where you take us based on some
backwards moral view.
CAB DRIVER
No Planned Parenthood!
ABBI
Come on, man. We only took a cab
in the first place because Im
hungover. Have a heart.
ILANA
You hear that? Shes got a
hangover and shes not afraid to
use it. Say goodbye to your
precious pleather. Heave!
CAB DRIVER
Those Jesus freaks will tip my cab
if I go too close. I drop you off
at the corner.
ILANA
Oh, right on. Sorry I presumed.
The cab pulls over to the side of the road and the girls
get out.
EXT. PLANNED PARENTHOOD - CONTINUOUS
The cab driver gives Abbi some unwarranted advice.
CAB DRIVER
The best thing for your hangover
is blood soup from Koreatown.
What?

ABBI

CAB DRIVER
(yelling)
Get yourself some blood soup!
The CROWD of PROTESTORS goes silent and stares at Abbi.
The cab driver peels out before they can shut the door.
ABBI
(to herself)
Yup. Thats what I thought he
said.

7.
Abbi and Ilana walk toward the front door making their
way through the crowd.
MALE PROTESTOR
Are you a winner or a sinner?
ILANA
I feel like Im a little bit of
both, actually.
Skanks.

FEMALE PROTESTOR

ILANA
Our vaginas will not be shamed and
shackled. These vaginas shall be
free!
A CREEPY GUY appears next to them.
CREEPY GUY
Does that mean youre not wearing
panties?
ABBI
I rest my case.
ILANA
Thanks a lot, ya creep. Jesus
Christ.
The protestors begin to boo them.
ABBI
Who even plans parenthood these
days? Irresponsible people thats
who!
ILANA
Ever heard of a little thing
called overpopulation? YOURE
WELCOME!
Abbi and Ilana push through the mob and make it to the
entrance. Abbi flips them off with both hands and Ilana
makes the suck-it sign over her crotch. They go inside.
INT. PLANNED PARENTHOOD FOYER - CONTINUOUS
A SECURITY GUARD stands at the opposite side of a metal
detector. Ilana empties her pockets.

8.
ILANA
Frisk me, babeh!
The guard does not respond.
ILANA
You could totally get a job at
Buckingham Palace. Youre quite
good, old chap.
Muffled sounds come through the security guards walkietalkie.
Everyone out!

SECURITY GUARD

ABBI
She was just kidding. Shes such a
kidder.
SECURITY GUARD
Theres a bomb threat. Everyone
get out now!
The security guard pushes Abbi and Ilana out the door,
and a CROWD follows from inside.
EXT. PLANNED PARENTHOOD - CONTINUOUS
ILANA
Looks like were going to have to
solve this mystery the old
fashioned way. Pull down your
pants, I need clues.
ABBI
Theres about to be an ovarian
uprising, lets just go.
ILANA
Fine. Can we stop and get a
hotdog? All this dick talk is
making me thirsty.
CUT TO:
INT. ABBIS APARTMENT - LATE MORNING
Bevers is cleaning to appease Abbi. He puts the last dish
into the drying rack, looks into the drain, and screams.
CUT TO:

9.
EXT. PARK/HOT DOG STAND - LATER
Abbi and Ilana get in line. There is a MAN in front of
them with a long blonde mullet.
ABBI
Do you think these are all signs
that Im, like, meant to have
Jeremys baby?
ILANA
Theyre signs that America is full
of religious freaks. Look at this
dude - he probably has no homo
tattooed on his balls.
The man turns around and we pan up slowly from his feet.
He wears leather boots, tight jeans, a tight cut-off
plaid shirt, a blonde mustache, and cowboy hat. He lifts
his hat to reveal its JAIME.
JAIME
Did someone say balls?
ILANA
Holy shit. Jaime?
JAIME
Shh. Im under the covers as an
American citizen. I never noticed
before, but cowboys are kind of
gay, no?
(to the vendor)
Howdy. Please give me four of your
hottest wieners.
CUT TO:
INT. FANCY SPANISH NIGHTCLUB - FLASHBACK
Abbi sits at the bar sipping a margarita and eating
tapas. CHARO sits down next to her and orders a drink.
Charo?

ABBI

CHARO
Please, call me Mara del Rosario
Mercedes Pilar Martnez Molina
Baeza.
ABBI
Okay. Can I ask you something?

10.
CHARO
You want to give Jeremy your cuchicuchi, right?
ABBI
How did you know?
CHARO
Im your Latina Fairy Godmother.
The way to a mans heart is with
food. Give him a burrito if you
want his chorizo.
ABBI
(extending her arm)
Can I have your autograph?
EXT. PARK - MOMENTS LATER
Ilana and Jaime are sitting and eating their hotdogs on
the grass. Ilana is holding Jaimes immigration paperwork
in her hand. Abbi is in a daze.
ILANA
(snapping)
Abbi. Abbi! Come back to us! Jaime
and I are getting married!
ABBI
Congratulations. Can we go get my
tubes tied before you tie the
knot?
ILANA
Theres no time. Jaimes visa is
going to expire at midnight unless
he marries an American citizen.
JAIME
I kind of feel like Cinderella,
except instead of a pumpkin, I
turn into an alien.
END OF ACT ONE

11.

ACT TWO
INT. SWANKY DRESS SHOP - 12:35 PM
Disheveled Abbi, red-neck Jaime, and Sherlock Ilana
peruse the store while a flamboyant employee watches
nervously.
ABBI
I just dont understand why were
wasting time here when you could
be getting deported in a few
hours. I say that as a realist,
not a racist.
ILANA
Please. Youve seen every single
Netflix documentary about mailorder brides. This shit has to
look legit. You know this.
Ilana goes into the dressing room with her arms full.
ILANA
(poking her head out)
Go ask about their return policy.
JAIME
Abbi, you know doing sex is the
best thing for a hangover. It
makes you sweat out all the booze.
ABBI
Ill keep that in mind.
ILANA (O.S.)
Abbi, I need you!
JAIME
Duty calls. Whats the American
phrase? Always a Clydesdale never
a bride?
INT. DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Abbi enters and Ilana is wearing tittie tassels and
shimmying her chest.

12.
ABBI
Ilana!
(beat)
They sell those here?
ILANA
Theyre Swarovski. Touch em.
ABBI
Absolutely not.
ILANA
Come on, this is my bachelorette
party.
Abbi refuses, but Ilana tries to force her. They twirl,
stumble, and both hit the wall.
ABBI
Im going to barf.
SHOP EMPLOYEE (O.S.)
Everything okay in there?
ILANA
Just hurlin and twirlin.
INT. SWANKY DRESS SHOP - CONTINUOUS
The employee is getting increasingly upset.
SHOP EMPLOYEE
Did she say hurling? Are these
your friends?
JAIME
(cowboy impression)
I guess that dressing room isnt
big enough for the both of em.
INT. DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Ilana tries on another ridiculous dress.
ILANA
Stop being such a Grumpy Cat.
ABBI
Not everything is a joke, Ilana.
Marriage is a big deal.

13.
ILANA
Jaime is my friend. I know youre
not big on showing affection to
your friends, but -ABBI
What, because I wont motorboat
you that means I dont show
affection?
ILANA
If the life-jacket fits...
ABBI
I dont even know why Im here. I
have real shit to deal with today.
INT. SWANKY DRESS SHOP - CONTINUOUS
Abbi storms out of the store, and Ilana pokes her head
out of the dressing room to yell.
ILANA
Well Im about to get a wedding
weave, bitch! Is that real enough
for ya?
The shop employee is mortified.
ILANA
(to employee)
Hey, can you undo my zipper?
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY - SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS
Abbi walks alone and talks to herself.
ABBI
Im not ready to be a mother. I
havent even done anal yet.
A FAMILY passing by shields their CHILD from her.
ABBI
Im sorry, Im just hungover. Or
pregnant. Maybe both.
CUT TO:

14.
EXT. NUBIAN NUPTIALS 2:06 PM
Jaime and Ilana arrive at a bodega storefront and ring
the doorbell. A SQUIRRELY MAN pokes his head out from a
basement-level door below. He waves them inside and
disappears.
INT. NUBIAN NUPTIALS - CONTINUOUS
They walk through a doorway of beads then through
another, smaller door to reveal a loud, lively
underground Oasis.
WOMAN
(yelling to Ilana)
You got the hair of a black girl,
you got the butt of a black girl,
but your pale-ass face is telling
me different.
JAIME
She called your face an ass?
CUT TO:
EXT. THE PLEASURE CHEST - 2:09 PM
Abbi is still walking, still struggling, and the sun is
beating down on her. She bumps into LINCOLN.
LINCOLN
Damn, Abbi! You look like a third
world valley girl.
ABBI
Its nice to see you, too.
LINCOLN
You ever been in there? I just got
some glow-in-the-dark condoms;
theyre Ilanas favorite. She says
it feels like were having space
sex, so I call her my ass-tronaut,
and then she -Please stop.

ABBI

Abbi almost dry heaves but pulls it together.

15.
LINCOLN
You need to find a pool, a
bathtub, or a fountain or
something. People think you drink
water to cure a hangover but you
need to submerge yourself in it.
Osmosis.
ABBI
How did you know Im hungover?
LINCOLN
Ilana sent me a Snap Chat of you
from last night.
ABBI
Damnit, that means theres no
evidence. What was the photo of?
LINCOLN
Something Im too uncomfortable to
say in front of sober Abbi.
Wheres Ilana?
ABBI
Apparently shes getting a wedding
weave.
LINCOLN
(holding up the
condoms)
Come again?
ABBI
Ilana is marrying Jaime today so
he can get a temporary extension
on his visa.
LINCOLN
Beat to the altar by a gay man. I
respect his hustle.
ABBI
Arent you upset?
LINCOLN
Nah. Ilanas a ride or die - shes
just being a good friend. When you
think about it, this is probably
the most responsible thing shes
ever done.

16.
Abbis phone rings.
CUT TO:
INT. NUBIAN NUPTIALS - 2:16 PM
Ilana and Jaime are in front of a back-drop posing
(ridiculously) for wedding photos.
ILANA
Abbi? Listen, Im at the salon and
these biddies just dropped some
serious knowledge on me. Youre my
best friend. I dont want to be in
a fight with you. Not on my
wedding day.
ABBI (V.O.)
Youre right. Fights over.
Everythings fine.
The WOMEN from the salon cheer.
ABBI (V.O.)
Where are you?
ILANA
Nubian Nuptials. Me and Jaime have
to sign some shit and take a few
wedding photos in case Uncle Sam
decides to stick his dick in our
business. Gotta look legit, ya
know? Ill text you the address.
Can you meet us here in twenty?
ABBI (V.O.)
I was going to go back to...that
place we went this morning.
ILANA
They actually sell pregnancy tests
here for super cheap.
Fine.

ABBI

ILANA
This is the happiest day of my -CUT TO:
Abbi hangs up the phone before Ilana can finish.

17.
EXT. THE PLEASURE CHEST - 2:19
Abbi and Lincoln continue talking.
ABBI
So, you coming to this shindig?
LINCOLN
Hell yeah. I wanna get lucky with
the bride. And look, I already got
a present and everything. I can
put both our names on it if you
want.
Great.

ABBI

LINCOLN
Where we going?
ABBI
Some place called Nubian Nuptials.
LINCOLN
Nice. We can walk there from here.
ABBI
You know about that place? It
sounds so sketchy.
LINCOLN
Dont be racist, Abbi.
CUT TO:
INT. NUBIAN NUPTIALS - 2:37 PM
Ilana and Jaime stand at the cash register to pay.
ILANA
Shit! My wallets gone.
JAIME
I can pay. Youre my Beyonc.
STYLIST
If shes your Beyonc, how come I
dont see a ring on it?
ILANA
Jaime, if I dont have my wallet,
that means I dont have my ID,
which means we cant get married.

18.
STYLIST
(to Jaime)
Looks like youre back to being a
single lady.
(beat)
You still have to pay.
CUT TO:
EXT. SIDEWALK - 2:43 PM
Lincoln is carrying a tired Abbi on his back. Abbis
phone rings.
ABBI
Hello? ... You must have taken it
out of your pocket at Planned
Parenthood... Uh, sure. Well just
meet you out front at City Hall.
Abbi hangs up.
Lincoln?

ABBI

LINCOLN
Ilanas getting married and she
was at Planned Parenthood this
morning?
ABBI
We werent there for her.
LINCOLN
You get tested?
ABBI
Im working on it.
LINCOLN
Then as a medical professional,
Im making the decision to put you
down.
ABBI
Understandable.
Lincoln puts Abbi down, hails a cab, and they get in.

19.
INT. CAB - BACKSEAT 2:50 PM
LINCOLN
Whats up, my dude? Were going to
the Planned Parenthood on twelfth
and twenty-first.
The driver looks in his rearview mirror and his eyes meet
Abbis. Its the same driver as before.
CAB DRIVER

Get out!

LINCOLN

Hey, man.

ABBI
Seriously? What are the odds of
this? Why couldnt you be Ben
Bailey?
LINCOLN
Is that the dude from Dirty Jobs?
CAB DRIVER

Out!

They get out, and the cab speeds off.

EXT. SIDEWALK - 2:52 PM
Abbi and Lincoln are back to square one.
ABBI
I cant walk anymore. Its going
to be closed by the time we get
there.
LINCOLN
Didnt your roommate just inherit
a car?
ABBI
Bevers? Hes not my roommate. But,
yes.
LINCOLN
Lets ask him for a ride.
ABBI
Ive hit rock bottom.
END OF ACT TWO

20.

ACT THREE
EXT. SIDEWALK - 2:53 PM
Abbi has Bevers on speaker phone. We hear strange
sloshing noises.
BEVERS (V.O.)
Abbi? Is that you? Can you hear
me?
ABBI
Whats that noise?
INT. ABBIS KITCHEN - 2:54 PM

CUT TO :

Bevers is naked, wearing only a blue-tooth, and is

covered in soap on the kitchen floor.
BEVERS
Im multi-tasking. Im cleaning,
getting a workout, and bathing all
at once.
ABBI (V.O.)
You know what? Im so happy youre
cleaning, Im not even going to
ask. I need a favor.
BEVERS
Anything for you, Abbs.
ABBI (V.O.)
Lincoln and I need you to pick us
up and take us to Planned
Parenthood then City Hall.
BEVERS
I wont go to Planned Parenthood.
Bevers.

ABBI (V.O.)

BEVERS
Not with my Nonnies car!
ABBI (V.O.)
If youre not here in ten minutes,
Im putting parental controls on
the wifi.

21.
BEVERS
But Im the number one draft pick
on NBA Jam right now!
INTERCUT BETWEEN ABBI/LINCOLN and BEVERS
LINCOLN
Youre DunkMasterFlex? Send me a
play request. Im DrDrill68.
Abbi gives Lincoln a strange look.
LINCOLN
DrDrill69 was already taken.
ABBI
Ten minutes, Bevers.
Abbi hangs up.
BEVERS
Ill slide over right after I slip
into something more appropriate. I
cant wait to see both of your
bubbly faces.
(beat)
Abbi?
CUT TO:
EXT. CENTRAL PARK - 3:27 PM
Ilana and Jaime are in a panic.
JAIME
Its already 3:27! Were going to
be too late.
A horse-drawn carriage drives past them.
ILANA
Not on my watch. Follow that
buggy, Cinderella!
Ilana and Jaime run to the moving carriage. Ilana jumps
in first and pulls Jaime in. His shoe falls off.
My slipper!

JAIME

22.
ILANA
I told you not to buy slip-ons.
Leave it!
CUT TO:
EXT. SIDEWALK - 3:28 PM
A 1991 Ford Pinto screeches to a halt next to Abbi and
Lincoln. They jump in.
INT. BEVERSS CAR - 3:29 PM
The car is filled with so much trash and junk, they cant
see Bevers in the front seat.
ABBI
Bevers? Is that even you up there?
BEVERS
Its me! You guys should be more
careful. What if I had been a
stranger?
LINCOLN
I thought you just inherited this
car, man. How did you mess it up
so fast?
BEVERS
Oh, this was my great
grandmothers car. She was a Hoar
d'oeure.
ABBI
You mean a hoarder?
BEVERS
Whats a hoarder?
LINCOLN
We only have eighteen minutes left
to get to City Hall. Were not
going to make it to P.P.
BEVERS
Just use one of those bottles back
there if you have to pee pee.
Thats what I do when I have to
go.

23.
LINCOLN
Cool it with the piss talk. Abbi
looks like shes about to blow.
BEVERS
Dont worry. What happens in the
Pinto stays in the Pinto.
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY HALL - 3:48 PM
Ilana and Jaime arrive a few minutes early.
JAIME
Do you want to smoke a little
while we wait for Abbi?
I do.

ILANA

Ilana pulls out her Sherlock pipe, and lights up.

JAIME
Are you nervous?
ILANA
No way. There is literally no one
else Id rather marry.
Except Abbi?

JAIME
ILANA

Except Abbi. But Ive come to

terms with the fact that she and I
probably wont get past third
base.
JAIME
You did the third base with Abbi?
ILANA
Not yet. But maybe shell be down
once Im married. Some people just
want what they cant have.
Beverss car screeches to a halt and hits a parking
meter. The three emerge, a little shaken up.
BEVERS
Sweet! Broken meter.

24.
LINCOLN
(to Ilana)
I heard you were getting a wedding
weave, so I ignored my heart and
followed my penis.
ILANA
Aw. I love your Lincoln log. Did
you guys get my wallet?
ABBI
We didnt make it.
JAIME
Im destined to be a jilted bride.
Everyone looks at Abbi.
ABBI
I cant. I just did my taxes. Plus
I dont want to have to put its
complicated on my Match profile.
I really like how my life looks
online right now.
Lincoln steps forward, but Bevers interrupts him before
he can speak.
BEVERS
I think we all know that Im the
most eligible bachelor here. Ill
do it. Ill marry you, Jaime.
Everyone looks at Jaime.
ABBI
This is a really big commitment,
Jaime. Maybe you should think
about it.
JAIME
In my country, a man with facial
hair and belly fat is a catch.
Its like free heat in the winter,
and this bride is on a budget.
LINCOLN
The weddings on! Lets go!
Ilana, Jaime, Abbi, and Lincoln walk inside.

25.
INT. CITY HALL - CONTINUOUS
Ilana and Jaime scramble to fix the paperwork from Nubian
Nuptials so that Beverss information replaces Ilanas.
Next!

CITY HALL CLERK

Ilana and Jaime step up and realize that Bevers is gone.

JAIME
Where the hell is that beaver?
CITY HALL CLERK
Can I help you?
ILANA
Yes you can. Hes getting married
today! Heres the paperwork. Just
give us a second, grooms got cold
feet.
CITY HALL CLERK
Im closing up shop in three
minutes. Whats it going to be?
JAIME
Im getting stood up? I thought
this only happened to ugly people.
Bevers comes running back in with a Ziplock bag of rice.
BEVERS
Im sorry! I just wanted it to be
official.
ABBI
Whered you get rice?
BEVERS
In my glove compartment. Duh.
CITY HALL CLERK
Ok, both of you sign here, here,
and initial here.
Bevers and Jaime sign. Bevers wipes a tear from his eye.
BEVERS
I just wish my Nonnie was here to
see this.

26.
ABBI
Bevers, I met your grandmother
last year and she wouldnt speak
to me because she thought I was a
lesbian.
BEVERS
Wasnt she the best?
CITY HALL CLERK
Congratulations, your visa
extension is complete. You have
thirty days to file a marriage
license with the State of New
York.
BEVERS
So were not getting married
today?
CITY HALL CLERK
Not today, big boy.
BEVERS
I would like to add, as a pre-nup,
that this marriage be consummated
with a Honey Baked Ham. Can you
add that to the paperwork?
The clerk slams a Closed sign onto her window.
In slow motion: Jaime turns around and puts on his
sunglasses. Coming to America by Neil Diamond plays.
Jaime leads as Abbi, Ilana, Bevers, and Lincoln walk
behind him in a V shape.
EXT. CITY HALL - CONTINUOUS
Slow motion continues: Jaime pushes the front doors open
triumphantly, and the others follow him outside. The
music screeches to a stop, and real-time is resumed when
the gang realizes that Beverss car is gone.
Thievery!

BEVERS

LINCOLN
Nobody would steal that car. It
probably got towed because you
busted the meter.
ILANA
Lets just call Mustache Ride.

27.
ABBI
She means Lyft.
ILANA
Pretty sure its Mustache Ride.
JAIME
Speaking of which, Abbi, how is
your vagina?
BEVERS
I dont know about your vagina,
but I think theres something
wrong with your butt.
ANGLE ON - ABBIS BUTT (which has a big, red stain on it)
Yes, dude!

ILANA

LINCOLN
Remind me again why this is cause
for celebration?
ILANA
We can close the books on part one
of the skanky mystery.
BEVERS
Im trying to figure out a bit of
a skanky mystery myself. I found
something really weird in the
garbage disposal today.
CUT TO:
INT. ABBIS APARTMENT - EVENING
Abbi and Bevers walk in to find Jeremy at the kitchen
sink holding a mangled dildo in his hand.
JEREMY
I came over to return your dish,
and this was in the drain...
BEVERS
That probably explains your bloody
butt, Abbs. Mystery solved!
Abbi walks into her room without saying a word and slams
the door behind her.
END OF SHOW

28.

TAG
INT. ABBIS BEDROOM - NIGHT
Abbi is in bed when she gets a notification from
Match.com. She has forty-three new messages and eightynine winks on her profile.
ABBI
Maybe Im not a Clydesdale after
all.
Abbi notices a new video posted on her profile and
presses play.
INT. ABBIS KITCHEN - LAST NIGHT
Wasted Abbi pretends she has her own cooking show.
Charos song Cuchi Cuchi plays in the background, and
Abbi dances and lip-syncs using her dildo as a
microphone.
ABBI
(slurring)
If you want the chorizo, you make
him a burrito.
The microwave beeps and Abbi pulls out two piping hot
burritos.
ABBI
One for Jeremy, one for you.
Abbi takes a bite and burns her mouth, then leaves with
one burrito in hand. Bevers walks by the computer,
completely naked, and eats the rest of Abbis burrito in
one bite. He notices himself on the screen and waves.
BEVERS
She forgot to post her video.
Typical Abbi.
BACK TO:
INT. ABBIS BEDROOM - NIGHT
After holding it in all day, Abbi finally barfs.
BLACKOUT