W hen the wheels were set in motion a few

months back, I never thought this project

would come to fruition. But it did, and here it
is.I give Thanks and praise is due to the writ-
ers. Without them none of this would have hap-
pened. Each writer was given these pages as a
blank slate and what they produced is great-
er than our wildest expectations. Before I get
too far ahead of myself, the largest praise and
thanks is due to Emily. Without her this proj-
ect would just be words; her vision and drive
really are the essence of this completed proj-
ect.

So what is it that you are (I hope) reading? It is

a low-level, DIY, electronic magazine. Our goal
wasn’t to make a magazine version of the website,
it was to make something people would enjoy read-
ing. There are places, faces and problems that all
have a story, and the things inside this magazine
is a collection of our favorites.
Before I switch hats and
become your guide, I
just want to take a minu
te to talk to YOU! Yes,
you. You may find yourse
lf trying to make sense
of this all and I just wa
nt to save you the time;
don’t waste it. Chwuny is
n’t anything special
(well, maybe not). It is
an idea. It’s me. It’s
you. It’s all around us.
It is your voice. Send
us your pictures, poems,
limericks, scripts, sto-
ries, etc., and we will
get you the audience it
deserves whether it be in
the next magazine or on
the site (chwuny.com)

Visit us at chwuny.com.
It should be updat-
ed every day if the slac
ker who’s running
it stops eating Lucky Ch
arms and watching
Stepby-Step and Saved By
The Bell marathons
all day.
Chwuny
In this issue:
4
Meet our Writers filmmaker from Quincy, MA
favorite movie: Jaws.
I’m a big fan of hockey and the Bruins. I lis-
ten to the likes of Bruce Springsteen, Arcade

Zombie Grandmoms 7 Fire and the Killers. I’m a fan of almost ev-
erything Batman and comics in general. I am
a son of Jim the Grenade, the partner of Fast-
Hand Gerry. I like fishing at the local course.
I also live off of Diet Coke, Mini-Muffins and

Twitter Revolution 9 Roast Beef & Salt sandwiches.

What Happened to JP? 11

El Gringo 16

Film Review: Bruno 19

Music Review: Muse 21

Made to Order 23

Four Films 28

Short Fiction 36 James Schu Jr. James is a graduate student

and has no personality. Literally.

Bug Fighting 38

4
 all you really need to say about me is that
I am in a job that I enjoy, anad it supports
my rock band habit. I’m looking to be in a
classroom for the next 40 years of my life,
probably in an area other than New England.

Frank Tobin graduated from PSU with a

I’m a young dude who graduated from Penn
State. I live in my parents house for the free
food and wi-fi. I have recently started to try
out vegetables, fancy whiskey drinking and
True Blood.
degree in Criminal Justice; currently unem-
ployed and living an absurd fantasy as a
writer. He has written several screenplays
that will never see the light of day and is in
the process of writing his first novel & daring
to be witty, intelligent and eotionally gener-
ous all at once.

Hello. My name is Alex and I spend most

of my time watching movies that I am not
sure anyone really likes. I used to do a lot
of things that were more fun that I’m do-
ing now. I think about time travel at least
once a day and have actually died in my
dreams before. In the future I hope to find
the perfect pair of socks.

hobbies:
capturing the world in high definition.
doing things the right way
and trying to reboot the past.

life in the bruce springsteen time machine

doesn’t have to end.
 B efore I even begin to ex-
press the awesomeness
that is grandmoms, watch the
and no one really gets upset. special place in our hearts.
I do understand that Grand-
moms come in all shapes,
Now I would usually discuss
something relevant in their
first minute of the preview for ages and sizes, but they are lives, but like you I am still
Legion. all the same. They have the terrified of them and it has
Scared? Frightened? Well it potential to be the single nothing to do with the hairy
serves you right. Up until this greatest entity in our spe- upper lip that I eluded to
moment, you thought grand- cies. Next time you see a before. Zombie Grandmoms!
moms were little old ladies grandmom, don’t help her, Or demon Grandmoms,
with a dated sense of fashion. just stare at her. Study her. whatever that lady was in the
You failed to realize that they See if you don’t get sucked preview. She has me terrified.
are a lot more than meets in? Pretty soon you will be So, let me get this right, you
the eye. With or without keeping a Werther’s Original are going to bake me cookies
the mustache their kiss can or two in your pocket, just as for my birthday and then eat
soothe the soul. Their cook- bait. me? NOOO! Zombie grand-
ing? Not so much. Now their Grandmothers, grandmas, mom, please don’t eat me....
‘fridges may not be stocked grannies, gilfs, etc. hold a
like an episode of Cribs, but
they will have all the decaf-
feinated soda (is it even soda
then?) that your heart desires.
Keep making fun.
Grandmoms are like us, well
kind of. Their style is a sea-
son away from being on the
shelves of Urban Outfitters,
much to the dismay of the
hipsters who’ve cultivated
their grandmom style for far
too long. Grandmoms enjoy
their days on earth; I am not
sure if it is because they are
limited or because they saw
every episode of Golden Girls.
They just have a certain out-
look on life, prob-
ably be-

Obviously...
cause they
can get
as mad
as hell
 E arlier this year I

only found myself in twice

before and in retrospect, I
career at Myspace. The early
found myself in a kind registration requirements
of predicament I had of Facebook allowed me to
stalk (I mean view) random
people who I had met. Col-
behind this machine convince
me otherwise.
Thoughts ran through my
head about my decision: Had
I rushed too quickly into judg-
think I handled it well. Twit- lege became extrememly ing this site? Was it too late to
ter, a new, fresh social net- personal because that girl reconsider and become one of
working website was gaining who always wore short skirts the cool early members (I had
quite a following. Through- was not just “that girl” or that to beat mom and dad there)?
out my internet career, I had guy that looked like Napole- Would my friends all join and
joined two up and coming an Dynomite was not just leave me out in the cold?
sites, similar to this one. another “that guy.”
I hoped and convinced myself
Facebook and MySpace con- When I found out about
that it was the correct deci-
sumed my life for the several Twitter earlier this year, I was
sion., but just to make sure, I
years. I became the ultimate more hesitant than I have
researched the site, checked
stalker. Facebook allowed me ever been. I was much older
it out and was thouroughly
to follow every one of my and did not have the time to convinced that Twitter was not
friends (even the fake ones) become sucked in to anoth- worth all my sleepless nights.
and watch them. Myspace er networking site all over
was cool for maybe a day or again. I immediately told At peace, I placed the site into
two, but after I had seen the myself that this new growing the part of my brain where all
greener pastures of Face- monster was evil and flawed. things that suck reside. Once
book, I did not go back and Its main purpose was already there, the door cannot be
frolic at MySpace.com. Tim- available on other sites, and I opened
ing really destroyed my would not let the marketing continued on page 41

9 10
 I t was June, 1993...
All around the globe, people were packing into movie theaters to see the
latest Spielberg escapade on film - one that promised to show the world live
dinosaurs for the first time. It’d been hyped for months: television ads showing
action figures filling the aisles of KB Toys. Even critics were claiming the film was
I don’t suspect anybody else did.
What I did have qualms with; how-
ever, was the complete disregard for
what made the first film so great.
Gone was the mysticism and sense
of wonder from the series, replaced
by the need to make more toys and
as scary as Jaws. But nothing could prepare the audiences for what was about show-off flashy CGI. Gone was all
to come their way. It was the equivalent of a tornado that was about to tear the terror, because once you see a
through the film-making industry. It was Jurassic Park. T. Rex three times in one film, the
Not only would Jurassic Park become the highest grossing film of all-time, it scare-factor tends to wear off come
would pave the way for other filmmakers who’d realize their greatest dreams the fourth go-around. It wasn’t even
could be achieved with the same computer graphics used in this film. All around fun this time, as it felt more like a
the world was dino-mania. Based on Mr. Michael Crichton’s best-selling novel of chore to get through each dinosaur
the same title, Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park was a success of monstrous pro- chase. Spielberg and friends blew
portions, raking in a total of $914.6 million world-wide. the potential for another great tril-
ogy akin to Star Wars, when they
opted to provide more eye-candy
instead of focusing on things such
B ut here we are now, sixteen years
later, puzzled. Not by the success
of the film; rather, by what exactly
as character. But it made money
and sold the toys, just as the studio
wanted. The fans weren’t pleased,
happened to that adventure series Crichton had never written a sequel and they were going to remain that
that took sixty-five million years in before, and though he was able way for some time.
the making. to hold off pressure from his fans,
he could not resist Mr. Spielberg’s Jurassic Park III was released in
Things started out well for the to-be 2001, directed by Joe Johnston,
franchise; Universal Studios spent prodding. And in turn Spielberg
directed his sequel to cater to the with Spielberg helming executive
over sixty million on the marketing producer this time. Things got even
for the film. The plan that included first, similarly titled The Lost World:
hands off the spin-off series written Jurassic Park. worse, with a heavier influence from
toys, video games, comic books, even a world-renowned paleontologist
sleeping bags hadn’t backfired at all; by legendary Steve Englehart? Putting Jeff Goldblum’s character, Jack Horner, and a poor script which
kids and teens across the globe ate The future of Jurassic Park seemed Ian Malcolm, as the lead pitted the blended ludicrous plot elements
up every bit of the merchandise they to be looking bright, maintaining preservationists vs. the hunters on with annoying, dull characters. We
could get their hands on. happiness for both the studio and Isla Sorna, a completely different were supposed to believe that the
Was there any kid who didn’t own an fans. However, things were about island that worked as a research lab Velociraptors had evolved over a
Alan Grant action figure, complete to change for the worse. prior to the incident on Isla Nublar, span of four years? And not only
with a Pteranodon hatchling and an In 1995, Michael Crichton reluc- the actual Jurassic Park. that, but Alan Grant was reduced to
exclusive trading card? And what tantly released his sequel to Jurassic I had no qualms with Ian Malcolm a bitter grump, and the first film’s
comic book lover could keep his Park, titled “The Lost World.” being moved to the lead role, and dinosaur hero was reduced to lunch

12
11

for a Spinosaurus (thanks again,
Jack Horner). I know these may be a
bunch of fanboy-ish complaints, but
come on! Nobody wants to see the
Kirby family climbing in trees and
waiting for the Velociraptors to go
away!
We want to see people like Robert
Muldoon going into the brush to
face down the smartest predators the
world has ever seen. We want a battle
of intelligence and agility. We want
to be terrified, but at the same time,
to be unable to keep our eyes away
from the screen.
It has been sixteen years since we
first saw that Brachiosaurus and since
our friends on screen felt that same
sense of wonderment we felt in the
movie theater. In December 2008, af-
ter eight years of speculation to when
the next film would be released.
13
Producers Kathleen Kennedy and
Frank Marshall stated that the
fourth film would not be happen-
ing, as they saw the passing of Mi-
chael Crichton as a sign not to pro-
ceed with the series. At this point,
they’re calling the film a long-shot.
Though this may please some
people, who do not want their fond
memories damaged any longer, it’s
upsetting to others who saw this
as a potential chance of redemp-
tion for the series. However, with
the story floating around that the
fourth film involved a Deinonychus
pack being used as mercenaries for
the government, I can’t help but
feel just a little relieved.
“W
e want a battle
of intelligence
and agility. We want to
be terrified...”
So, whatever did happen to Jurassic
Park? The films series may be long and
forgotten by many, but there is more
than enough material to keep fans
of the original film happy. While the
sequels may do the trick for some, if
you’re like me they have the opposite
effect. So just dig a little deeper and
keep hoping that maybe a good sequel,
or dare I say reboot, will come our way
someday. And if you lose that hope just
remember, life finds a way.
T
here is still something left to be desired for JP fans! If you are one
of them, here is a list of things to keep you happy:
The Novels
-The brutality and fuller realization of
the characters makes Jurassic Park an
excellent reading experience. The Lost
World isn't bad, but has much less of a
focus on the scientific side of things.
The Video Games
- A lot are terrible; however, Jurassic
Park and Jurassic Park 2: The Chaos
Continues for Super Nintendo are both
fun, as well as the park-simulator Juras-
sic Park: Operation Genesis on PC
The Toys
- Dig up some old toys from when the
movie was released, or the trading cards
that came with them. Might not play with
them, but you could at least super-glue
your T. Rex's arms back in. Or head over
to JPToys.com, where you can find im-
ages of every figure and trading card.
Feeling nostalgic yet?
The Jeep Wrangler
- Then customize it to look like Dennis
Nedry's jeep in the movie. All the cool
kids are doing it.
JPLegacy.org
- You think you know a lot about JP?
Well check out this website.
The “River Adventure”
- If you haven't been on this ride in
many Universal Studios' theme parks,
you're missing out. With an abundance
of life-like dinosaurs and thrills, this
ride is sure to please any fan.
The Comics
- Hard to come by, Steve Englehart's
Raptor series are must JP items. With an
over-the-top storyline involving a Co-
lombian druglord, you'll have more fun
than with either of the sequels.
Jurassic Park: Prime Survival
- Keep an eye on Jurassic Park: Prime
Survival, a fan film by Jack De La Mare,
promising to be the best film inspired
by the franchise yet. It shows true dedi-
cation of JP fans, and is sure to keep
those looking for something on the
cinematic side of things happy. More at
delamarepro.com/primesurvival.
Power-Outages
- Drop quotes from the movie, or re-
enact the scene from the shed. But not
in front of girls, they won't understand.
Blu-Ray Is Coming
- Yet to be released, but Spielberg has
said he’s planning something special
14
 T he trashcan proved itself to

E l
Gringo
be invaluable. Just when I
thought I had conquered
my feelings of nausea, they crept
right back; right from my stom-
ach, up to my esophagus, into my
mouth, and then out through the
trash barrel. Although there wasn’t
by: Jake Smith
much substance, I knew that I had
definitely failed.
The competition was over. I had The owner of Machismo told me
tried to conquer the five pound that he would allow me to name
burrito, (affectionately known as his next burrito creation whatever
“El Gringo Gordo”) and the attempt I wanted if I could complete the
ended with me hunched over, challenge. Needless to say, I was
spewing water and the contents. ready to take on this mammoth of
At Machismo Burrito Bar, on Main Mexican food. Or at least I thought
Street in Manayunk, the challenge I was.
is simple: eat the Gringo in one When I entered the restaurant, it
hour, keep it within your bowels, was clear to me the workers were
and receive the glory. not ready for my order. One of the

15 16
 employees looked at me as
though I had three heads, unsure
of what I had just asked for. The
owner stepped from the back of
the kitchen like an old gunslinger
you might see in a western,
stepping up to meet his latest
challenger
from the
back of a
smokey
saloon.
The man
informed
me that he
had made
the Gringo
seventy
four times
before my
challenge,
and every
time, the
burrito had
conquered
the man. I was determined to
serve the Gringo its first loss.
As I sat down with the monstros-
ity, the owner provided me with
my own timer to keep track and
I readied myself. Having not
eaten in over 14 hours, (one of
the many mistakes I made this
day, I’ll get to this later) I was
extremely hungry and ready to
eat. The Gringo looked as big as
a human forearm, a special plate
used to hold it. I got started.
17
The first 15 minutes went by quite With twenty minutes to go in
easily. I had finished one third the challenge, I began to walk
of the burrito and was on a very around, hoping I could move
good pace. The staff was very some of my digestion along.
helpful in providing me with any I began to feel very nauseous,
needs I had: a large spoon, a cloth as if nothing I had eaten in the
for my face, extra napkins, and a past forty minutes had made it
drink cup past my heart.
(I chose I quickly realized the Gringo
water, I felt wasn’t going anywhere, except
it wouldn’t back the way it came. As a few
fill my friends and the manager (smugly
stomach eating a large amount of food at
up the the table next to me) looked on,
way soda I emptied all the contents of my
would). I intestines into the trash barrel,
was feeling and I called it a day.
very good
about my
prospects
in com-
pleting
the Gringo
challenge.
I made a few mistakes along the way,
The next
and here is how I hope to remedy my
30 minutes were a lesson in
situation, and beat the Gringo:
pain. Any point past halfway on
the burrito was a struggle; with
each new bite I dug deeper into • Drink a carbonated beverage, to allow for
my mental and gastro-intestinal burping, and gastro-intestinal release
strengths, constantly telling my-
self to keep going. I knew by the • Eat the entire tortilla casing first, then the
three fourths point that I was fillings
done; my visions of naming the • Eat large meals to stretch my stomach in
next burrito creation things like the days leading up to the event
“The Super Bowl 39 Commemo- • Keep a constant pace
rative” or the “Patriots 24, Eagles
21” slowly slipped from my brain.
18
 Film
All this being said, my initial re-
action to the film was that it was
less of a commentary on bigoted
Review:
America, and more of a stringing
together of squirm-inducing seg-
ments that balanced hilarity with
shock value. On the surface, the
by: Andrew Hermann film came off as a feature length
Daily Show with John Waters, in
which the host used real subjects
Bruno as a harmful gay stereotype: who he felt intellectually superior
Ach-ya? Or Nish Nish? too (in which most of the cases,
he was) and exploited them, while
“Faggot!” splicing in talking penis holes. All
of which is genuinely hysterical.
I heard this popular insult thrown
at me about four seconds before This hilarity often came at the ex-
the title screen for Sacha Baron pense of real-life participants who
Cohen’s comedy, Bruno, flashed This exploitation is one that, as it
above at my local movie theatre did with Bruno, leads to multiple
one Monday last July. lawsuits and controversies. Many
The trailer for Judd Apatow’s Funny of the films targeted subjects
People had just played and I made have since sued Cohen for inac-
a comment about one of Seth curate representation (The ‘ter-
Rogen’s jokes, rather loudly, to my rorist leader’ that Bruno begs to
friend. be kidnapped by has sued Cohen
“I can appreciate a good Ikea joke,” I told him after the last preview had played. for being mislabeled as a ‘terror-
ist’) and even injury (an elderly
Because the theatre was relatively bare, (Bruno’s ticket sales plummeted 39% after it’s
woman who was part of a deleted
opening night, largely due to bad word of mouth) a young man heard me from one of
bingo scene, in which Bruno calls
the back rows.
out obscenities instead of bingo
He hurled a boorish “Faggot!” at me, setting an incredibly apropos tone for the film numbers, claims that Cohen’s
we were about to watch. cameramen started a fight that
There were many similar characters to my antagonistic theatre buddy in Cohen’s film left her body permanently dam-
(Gay converting preachers, protesters wielding “God Hates Fags” signs), which led aged). While watching the film, I
audiences and critics to believe the main purpose of Bruno was to put a mirror up to felt bad for some of these hapless
America’s homophobia so we could see all of our ugly, prejudiced warts. Cohen ac- and confused prank recipients, but
complished a similar feet in 2006’s Borat where he revealed (or corroborated) Ameri- others (like the parents who were
ca’s startling xenophobia. willing to have their babies cruci-
19
fied if it meant more exposure) I
felt no sympathy for.
While watching the film, I won-
dered how Cohen got these peo-
ple to say these damning things
while agreeing to be filmed. The
answer to this question has been
revealed through several accounts.
Cohen’s production companies
contacted his prospective inter-
viewees, claiming a European ce-
lebrity wanted to film a documen-
tary to aide a cause (in the case of
the ‘terrorist leader’ that they
“T
he film was...less of a
commentary on big-
oted America and more
of a stringing together of
squirm-inducing segments...”
were trying to increase awareness
for the plight of Palestinian youth).
The interviewee then signed a
series of waivers which contained
a good deal of fine print, reliev-
ing Cohen from any legal action.
This was why most of the lawsuits
against him were not fruitful.
In addition to these legal proce-
dures, to maintain the ridiculous
nature of some of Bruno’s bits,
Cohen took some steps to
continued on page 42
20
 Album
Review:
by:Jake Smith
Muse is a band that is a bit of an enig-
ma to me. I first heard about this trio
from the United Kingdom my junior
year of college, when my roommate
played them constantly. They were his
favorite band, and without knowing it, I
slowly became exposed to a band that
would eventually be (in my opinion)
one of the best bands of my generation
(so far). Led by vocalist and guitarist
Matthew Bellamy, I am starting to slow-
ly understand the mystery of Muse.
Four studio releases into their career
(not including a live cd/dvd that has
also sold well), and with another disc
slated for a September release, Muse
has a rabid fan following and has gar-
nered critical acclaim as well. I recently
picked up their 2006 release, Black
Holes and Revelations, and was amazed
(and often shocked) at how solid a re-
cord it was, from front to back.
The opener, “Take A Bow,” was familiar
to me, as it was used in trailers for the
film Watchmen. This song has a driving
synth line, that really hits about halfway
through the song.
I guess now would be a good time to
state just how much I love when
21
alternative/hard rock bands use synthe-
sizers in their work. It is done to per-
fection on this song, as well as at other
points on this album.
The second song, “Starlight,” is a very
familiar one to many; it has gotten
decent airplay recently because it was
featured on the Twilight soundtrack
(at least that’s what my sister tells me,
I haven’t seen the movie or heard the
soundtrack). The lyrics in this song de-
scribe the departure of a man from his
lover, and his goodbye promises. This is
an overall theme on the record, and the
song’s chorus gives us the album title:
“Our hopes and expectations/Black Holes
and Revelations.”
The album from here dives all over
the place (and I mean this in the
best way possible), with the driv-
ing “Super Massive Blackhole,”
riff reminiscent of the Jack Slater
theme from Last Action Hero, and
“Map of The Problematique,” a
track which really displays the skills
of all three band members at their
respective instruments.
The album breaks in the middle,
with “Soldier’s Poem,” a short ditty
that really left me wanting more.
It seems to be a heartbreaking
tale of a break up, and the slow,
waltz-like pace makes it seem
more like a soldier in World War
I, rather than the futuristic soldier
the rest of the album seems to
revolve around.
Black Holes and Revelations in Short
Can't Miss Track - “Exo-Politics”
Throwaway Track - “Soldier's Poem” (only
because of it's length)
Best Lyrics - No one's gonna take me
alive/Time has come to make things
right/ You and I must fight for our rights/
You and I must fight to survive.
- “Knights of Cydonia”
Worst Lyrics - Hold you in my arms/ I
just wanted to hold you in my arms/I just
wanted to hold.
- “Starlight”
My two favorite tracks come at
the back end of the album:
“Invincible,” the true love song on
the album, perhaps gives us a larg-
er glimpse into the “soldier” from
the “Soldiers Poem,” who talks
about having one night together
with his love, and on that night
“together [they’ll] be invincible.”
Up next, is “Assassin,” which starts
as hard as any song on the album,
and never lets up. The guitar and
the bass, especially, make this
track stand out. I am constantly
impressed with bassist Christopher
Wolstenholme’s work. “Exo-poli-
tics,” the eighth track, is the other
favorite I mentioned, and it offers
a great guitar riff (especially at
the chorus), and some great drum
work from Dominic Howard.
After two extremely solid tracks,
“City of Delusion” and “Hoodoo”
(both having a bit of a southwest-
ern/surf rock/Latin flair), the album
closes with the amazingly epic
“Knights of Cydonia,” which I rec-
ognized from Guitar Hero III. This
track will blow you away if you
give it a chance, which I really sug-
gest you do. I promise you won’t
be disappointed, especially if you
like synth-lead acapella choruses
with excellent guitar picking laid
underneath.
22
W hen I was given the
assignment to write
an article I thought it would
come easy. I spend most of
my free time just sitting there.
Watching. Waiting, getting
ready to pounce. What I’ve
been waiting for, I have no
idea. So I thought and pon-
dered about where I was
going to go with this article
even after I had decided what
it was going to be about.
I finally came to the realiza-
tion that writing about what
I know would be the easiest
thing to do. I organized a list
and wrote down what vari-
ables were in the equation
that made me. I saw who I
was written down as if I were
something that had to be
defined. Everything seemed
interchangeable, but then I
saw a common thread to at
least half the facts I had writ-
ten. It was not some phi-
losphy you would study in
a book, not something that
would be covered by the New
York Times, the Wall Street
Journal or any other piece
of literature. It was about a
store; a place that sold shirts.
Now this may sound a little
materialistic or whatever you
want to call it, but it’s not.
About two years ago, when
I was a young impression-
able college student, I found
this place, this store, and I
let it turn me into a changed
man. No longer were the
days when I spent my week-
days thirsting for the first
Happy Hour on Friday, I now
had proof that what made
me happy existed and wasn’t
going anywhere. These ideals
were as solid as a brick wall.
Made to Order opened its
doors in Northern Liberties
almost two years ago, and I
can still remember that day
like yesterday. I had seen the
ad for this place in the back
of one of Philly’s alt-weelky
newspapers. These papers
were the complete balance
of awesomeness. Cool sto-
ries, pictures and a section of
raunchy ads. The ad was just
a picture that said something
about saving 20%. I figured
that since it was around the
corner from the Friday water-
ing hole, I should stop in. I
started walking down the
streets and looking at the
addresses. But when I finally
thought I had found it, I saw
an empty space. “There is a
number on the ad, should I
call it? No, that is such a bad
idea. They will immediately
24
be upset with me. The em-
ployees of these types of
stores are not the type that
like answering the phone,” or
thats at least what I thought
to myself. “Shit, I’m screwed.”
But I wanted to find this
place, so I threw the play-
book out the window and I
called. I called and someone
answered. How could it be?
The place is empty. A guy
answered, and he sounded
pretty chill; he told me I was
looking in the wrong place.
“Just look right man, we’re
right here.” Oh man, I am so
dumb.
I walked in. The place was
kind of empty, but it still
looked sick. They had the
Simpsons’ Vans and inside
were just some dudes, chillin;
living life, not complaining
or immediately judging me
as if I’d walked out of Project
Runway. They started talking,
studying me, welcoming me.
I was completely blown away;
caught off guard. They start-
ed asking about the brands I
wore and about the current
trends. And the whole time I
was in the store I was think-
ing about how I finally had an
excuse to let the other stores
be. Made was doing their
thing, they didn’t just do what
was cool. It was like going
over your best friend’s
25
and just zoning out, forget- kids or is it going be for po- their soul to the devil; they’re born into Everything they were putting out was
ting the outside world. They tential taste makers? This is it. Then a few boutiques started to pop fresh and epic. Then they started to age.
weren’t doing things because all determined by a compli- up and I had a summer job. I was earn- I remember going to a popular store in
they cated process like the one ing money to spend and going to these Philadelphia on the Friday before the
“S
were boutiques gave me the opportunity to release of the Air U Breathe Pack. I saw
cool
because
treetwear is kind of a actually buy the things I was looking at them and imediately wanted to have
on the internet every day. It was never the Air Max 1s. I fell in love. That was
it was mythical creature in about buying stuff, it was an adventure, my first experience in that store and the
“in,” they the fashion world ...” a story. Whenever I wore something guy behind the counter gave a ridicu-
showed purchased from one of these bou- lous comment to a lady who was clealry
you what tiques I could remember, relive the day I an outsider. He said something about
cool used to be. bought them. how he was going to be the only guy in
Streetwear is kind of a mythi- I described for picking this the city with them. A part of me actually
Streetwear was at a crossroads when
cal creature in the fashion topic. If you were to do an believed him because I didn’t think this
Philadelphia was beginning to blossom.
world. Most of the people in-depth analysis of this in- a-hole would lie. I left empty handed,
Nike was riding high and pretty much
outside of it don’t know what dustry like you would with disappointed; apparently my college
running the exclusive sneakers game.
it is and the components of Education or the Economy, I
its DNA are hesitant to give am sure you would find some
defintion to this being. It crazy and interesting results.
lives in forests that are not In my opinion, the people
often visited. And though who shop at these places
people tremble when they make up a distinct group of
enter them, there is no need. people across the globe.
These boutiques are at the When Made to Order was first
heart of the industry, they coming onto the screen, Phil-
feel the pulse and they dic- adelphia was at a weird place.
tate it. They are like a heart It wasn’t New York or any
and brain mixed together. other cool city; the streetwear
They are responsible for the boutique scene was an al-
pulse they send out but also most barren wasteland.
responsible for creating the There were some stores that
desired result. It’s quite com- seemed to be a Target-like
plex. These stores carry the version of a boutique. Money
coolest, hip t-shirts, sweaters, first. I’ve always found it dif-
hoodies, hats, footware, belts, ficult to support these stores
backpacks, etc. Each store that seemed like any other
tends to have a theme for chain store: a venture whose
what brands they carry, and sole purpose is to make mon-
this dictates their clientele. Is ey. They are not even given
it going to be all high school the oportunity to sell
26
 commitment took away the opportunity was above any one in the interaction.
to buy them or so I thought, but I found After that first experience I stopped go-
them 2 months later on the clearance ing to the places at which I had previ-
rack at another shoe store. I thought how ously shopped, I now identified with one

Four Films
weird it was that these exclusive sneak- place. Over the past two years, trends
ers were just sitting there, almost waitingand brands have come and gone, seasons
for me to find them. At this point in my fluctuate and the consumer grows. Then

S
life I was willing to challenge the system,people leave, move on, and new younger
college had put me on my toes. I slowly versions of them step into their place.

tronger than
Tranquilizers
began to see how much of what I did and So the boutique is left in an interesting
felt was a complex weird connected sys- place. Who do they try to continue to
tem that I still don’t understand. I actually
serve? And if they pick a certain brand,
prefer it that way, I don’t want to know. who will they try to adapt to? Now its
I was quickly becoming disenfranchised tough to say exaclty which one is winning,
with the one thing that I thoroughly en- but think of it like this, does the tobacco by:Alex Hoffman

I
joyed. I used to go to malls and would industry want to follow a life time smoker
’ve always been interested in film. I viewers, while neglecting to ask the Sci-Fi
find something I liked only every now and who quits or the new young soon to be and Discovery Channel crowd what they
then. I would rely on these boutiques to lifetime smoker. Interesting point, I am think that a lot of my interest comes
glad YOU brought it up. in the fact that film transports the viewer thought. Either way, it seems like the film
buy what I couldn’t buy at the malls. I industry is fraught with lame, overused
would go to a mall most times and not Justin and Phil opened Made to Order a into its world (except for those movies
which fail to captivate me). For anywhere plotlines, dialogue and characters.
find anything. Then this started happen- little over two years ago, with no previ-
ing with the boutiques that were previ- ous management experience, they only between 80-210 minutes, I am being The point of this list is to show people
ously guarantees. could draw from their own consumer thrust into a story that has its own unique that they don’t have to watch the same
experience. No one knew who they were. characters, plot, and atmosphere. When thing every time they go rent a movie.
Made to Order was my last resort and I done well, a film can say more than a After a lot of deliberation, I have come
thought I may have ruined the opportu- They were two men with no real experi-
ence in the retail managment that de- book is able to in many ways. up with four films that stretch the lim-
nity. After my encounter with Justin and its of filmmaking. I should tell you that
Phil I was pleased. I bought an Undrcrwn cided to take a pretty big risk on a part of Within the past five or six years, I have
the city that was still somewhat undefined found that I am no longer satisfied with these films will probably not be available
Michael Jordan tee, and had a positive at Blockbuster, and they certainly are not
interaction with the two owners of the and on the verge. Made to Order crawled just seeing the same movie over and over
again. I’m so sick of people being sur- for everyone. What I do hope is that you
store. At the time I didn’t know they were from the cracks and set up shop in North- give these films a chance; though please
the owners. I told them the brands I liked ern Liberties Philadelphia. prised and overjoyed when the stuck-up
beauty overcomes her preconceived no- go into them with an open mind. It’s just
(specifically,10 Deep) and listened to the Two years after the pair disagreed on the like taking psychedelics: if you are ner-
brands they wanted to carry. I walked future home of their vision and ignorned tions of the geeky, yet clearly desirable
man. vous and think you will have a bad time
away thinking how cool the store was and the laughs for their location choice, Phil going into it, you probably will.
how this interaction that I just had was and Justin went to work. They began to Maybe they did a poll and people said
the first of its kind. The guys believed in offer their customers the Made to Order that their favorite stories were ones of P.S. There are minor spoilers in some of
what they were saying and they were giv- approach. Phil and Justin did not want blossoming love or looking beyond ap- the synopses, but to be honest, knowing
ing me straight talk. There was no arro- to simply be retailers, they yearned to be pearances to see the true inner-beauty. Or the plot in these films before watching
gant b.s. No one educators. maybe they just polled Lifetime and TLC them won’t make much of a difference:

28
27

1 Tetsuo: The Iron Man
Everyone knows that Japanese Culture
is bizarre compared to American culture
(this is in no way an insult, if anything, it’s
a compliment). However, I truly feel that
Tetsuo comes close to the boundary, even
for Japanese filmmakers. Director Shinya
Tsukamoto creates a visual spectacle that
merges a horrifying nightmare with a
comment on our current society (which I
feel applies even more today than it did
in 1989, when the film was made).
The beginning of the film starts off like
the typical Michael Bay movie: an un-
named man (only known as the “metal
fetishist” and played by the director) has
a gaping wound in his leg, so he decides
he should shove a rusty metal pole into
it. To the man’s chagrin, the leg becomes
the breeding ground for maggots and
infection. This causes him to run into the
street where an unsuspecting driver (cult
legend Toguchi Tomorowo) cannot hit
the brakes in time. After dumping the
body into a ditch, the man thinks that he
has covered up his dirty deed and can
go on with his life. And he does for the
most part. Except for when he realizes
that Metal Gear Rex is not dead and is
not about to let the driver forget about
him. In addition to being stalked by the
MF and the people he takes over (at one
point the MF takes over a woman, who
chases the driver in one of the film’s best
scenes), the driver realizes that he himself
has begun to live up to the name “Man
of Steel” way more than Superman ever
could. While shaving, the driver finds that
a piece of metal is sticking out of his
29
cheek. Only it is growing from the inside.
I know what you are thinking: “Oh cool,
this guy’s like Wolverine!” But, that could
not be further from the truth. His skele-
ton is not adamantium, he does not have
claws, and he’s Japanese (which is two
strikes against him, but one home run for
being Japanese). After continuing to see
metal sprouting from his body (in par-
ticularly gruesome and unnerving ways),
the film culminates with a showdown
between the driver and the metal fetish-
ist. It’s a pretty epic battle, and I think
the outcome will surprise a lot of people.
Here’s a hint: it’s ridiculously strange and
really fucked up. Not quite as fucked up
as the sex scene involving a giant rotating
drill penis (I swear). So, if you are edgy
about having sharp metal things shoved
into your vagina (or any orifice), you just
might want to turn your head at that
scene.
After watching Tetsuo, I was left with the
feeling that I had just awoken from a
nightmare. No other film (aside from one
other on this list), has made me feel that
way. Sure, it is fun to be scared, but this
film was not as scary as it was unsettling.
The fast-paced chase scenes make it seem
like a music video at times; while the em-
phasis on man and machine combining
show that the director had a definite
2 Forbidden Zone
This film is the odd man out on this list.
It is definitely as outrageous as any of
these other films, but it is not scary or
unsettling like the others. Well, it is a bit
unsettling. Ok, it’s extremely unsettling at
times, racist at others, and just completely
hilarious at others. Forbidden Zone is the
child of Richard Elfman (who directed and
co-wrote) and writer Matthew Bright. It is
also the first film ever scored by the now-
acclaimed Danny Elfman, who has pro-
vided music for films such as Batman, The
Nightmare Before Christmas, and Charlie
and the Chocolate Factory. The film is
based loosely on the stage performances
of the Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo
(which was led by Danny Elfman). After
watching this film,
message when crafting the story. What
that message may be is completely open
for interpretation.
Yes, there are some scenes that seem to
be strange for no particular reason, like
when the main character gets a call and
the only word spoken by him and the
caller is “hello?”
However, I have to say this film showed
me that there are some wildly outrageous
manners of storytelling, and at times, they
can be pretty effective.
Note: If you hate that sound when some-
one bites a fork and then pulls it out of
their teeth, you might have a problem with
several scenes in this film.
I couldn’t stop thinking about how fun it
would be to go to a Mystic Knights show.
I would imagine that they and their fans
participated in lots of hallucinogens.
The film starts with local pimp, drug deal-
er, and genuine black-faced (you’ll see),
Huckleberry P. Jones. When Huck needs
to find a place to stash his heroin, he de-
cides that the basement of a vacant house
he owns is the best idea. Only when he
goes down there he discovers more than
a good hiding spot. He discovers the
entrance to the Sixth Dimension! After
seeing the chaos of the other dimen-
sion, Mr. Jones decides to escape and
promptly sells the house to the Hercules
family. As you can probably guess, the
Hercules’s’s’s’s are anything but ordinary.
30
 There are major age discrepancies with
all of the family members (are sons sup-
posed to look older than parents?), along
with a rather nasty drug habit that seems
to follow Flash Hercules everywhere. This
family, along with all other characters in
the film, is so out of the ordinary it is hard
to imagine that this film was completed
at all. Clearly the Elfman brothers just did
tons of acid, played some music, and got
some homeless people to play the parts.
So, mad e-props to you Elfmans.
Once Frenchy Hercules discovers the en-
trance to the Sixth Dimension, the movie
really picks up. Not that it wasn’t up
before, but now it’s like Up in 3D (nuck-
ing futs). The king of the Sixth Dimension
(played by Herve Villechaize- you know
that guy that says, “Da plane! Da plane!”
on Fantasy Island) quickly falls for Fren-
chy. However, the queen (played by
31
Susan Tyrell) becomes jealous and quickly
throws her into the dungeon. What en-
sues after that is essentially a rescue mis-
sion that involves most of the Hercules
family stumbling into the Sixth Dimen-
sion to rescue Frenchy. Some notable
characters who you encounter are Bust
Rod- the queen’s frog servant, an ever
topless princess, and Satan (played by
Danny Elfman). It’s truly a feel-good end-
ing, with King Fausto and his new family
(the Hercules’s’s’s) setting out to conquer
everything in the galaxy together.
However, the plot of this movie is re-
ally only one of its draws. The absurd
dialogue, hilarious characters, and com-
pletely surreal setting make you feel like
you’re in a completely different world. I
was about to write that my favorite scene
takes place in the schoolhouse towards
the beginning, but I really cannot even
pick a favorite scene. They are all equally
crazy and super trippy (dude). It is almost
difficult to write about this film, because
I can hardly put its absurdity into words.
Although, what do you expect when a
number of your extras in the film are
homeless people, and the only paid actor
is fucking Herve Villechaize? So, if you
are looking for a film with humping little
kings, people in trash cans, and Bust Rods
you will love Forbidden Zone. If not, how
about you get an imagination and stop
talking about how good those lobster
bites are at Long John Silver’s?
Note: If you are into shit that is PC (politi-
cally correct, I’m not talking about Coun-
ter-Strike) you will probably despise For-
bidden Zone. However, if you are always
PC reread the last sentence in this article.
Eraserhead 3
Let me start by saying that I
watched this film with five of
my closest friends. Their ini-
tial fear of the film (which, in
fact, was present while watch-
ing the menu screen) even-
tually turned to disgust and
complete disdain for David
Lynch’s Eraserhead. I really
don’t think that they all hated
it as much as they said. I
think it was more of a group-
think attitude, where one
person is scared to go against
the majority. So, unless you
have not already guessed, this
is not a movie for everyone.
Read this list of what this film
is and is not. If you find that
you would enjoy the movie
after reading it; please buy it
and watch it.
What this film is not:
Family-friendly
In color
A portrayal of the reality of
anyone’s real, physical, life
About pencils (most likely)
A wet dream
“T
his film is a first in many ways...
What this film is:
Off-putting (to moms and
dads apparently)
Black and White (+3 for the
color blind)
The desires, fears, and fan-
tasies of a slightly disturbed
(but not that abnormal) per-
son
Open to interpretation
A nightmare where you take
some LSD and then raw dog
an alien
So, if these are things that
you find yourself in agree-
ment with, you will find in-
credible enjoyment in the
viewing of Eraserhead.
This film is a first in many
ways. For one, it is director
David Lynch’s first full-length
feature. For those unfamiliar
with his work, he is the bril-
liant mind behind films such
as Mulholland Dr., Wild at
Heart (Nick Cage and Crispin
Glover!), and Blue Velvet.
More recently, he was at
the helm of the epic Inland
Empire (driven by his appar-
ent muse, Laura Dern). He
also apparently directed a
Rammstein video. They are
the guys who sang that song
“Du Hast.” You can decide for
yourself whether that song is
awesome or dreadful (but it
”
has to be one of the two).
32
 In addition to being Lynch’s first feature from Land Before Time 1-532. At multiple
film, it was also the first role for star John
points in the film, we see the stress of
know David, I think if your life was ever
like Eraserhead, you either did tons of
4 The Holy Mountain
(Jack) Nance, who appeared in a num- birthing a monstrosity really get the best drugs, or everything you did, said, and Jesus Fucking Christ. That phrase is both
ber of Lynch’s works after Eraserhead. I of Mary. She bugs out at a few points thought was a metaphor. a remark I made after finishing this film
can only imagine that this was also the and leaves Henry (who you really will feel and also refers to the main character of
Eraserhead is a film that many people
first time that the United States Library of
for) However, he finds that it is not easy Holy Mountain. Directed by Alejandro
love to say is simply “weird for the sake
Congress entered anything as surreal and taking care of an alien dinosaur when it’s Jodorowsky, who crafted other surreal-
of weird.” Well, I have two things to say
bizarre into their archives (this movie is sick. He also realizes it is not easy to stay ist works such as El Topo and Fando y Lis,
to that: 1) Who cares? It is way more in-
legit, dig?). Lastly, this is the first time a
faithful to your wife, especially when you Holy Mountain could best be described as
teresting and unique than 99% of mov-
movie ever left me asking, “What the fuck have an exotic neighbor and a bed that one of those videos you would in Sunday
ies that have come out in the past five
did I just watch?” turns into a hot spring sometimes. To- school where the kids from modern times
years. It continues to probe the viewers’
wards the end of the film, we begin to see travel back to the days of Jesus of Naza-

Y
The plot of
Eraserhead is
pretty straight- ou’ll see some things that is willing to delve
forward. Boy
meets girl.
you could only imagine
Boy and girl your wildest nightmares.
consummate
their love. Girl
avoids boy, then reveals she has given
wildest nightmares.
birth to a mutant with a pregnancy that
lasted only a few weeks. Oh, then boy
goes into his radiator and shit gets crazy.
If that sounds awesome to you, then you
are right: it is. However, there is a little bit
more to the story than the general notes
you just read. Henry (Jack Nance) is a
printer who is “on vacation” for an inde-
terminate amount of time. After finding
out that his main squeeze, Mary X, has
given birth to a child (or something simi-
lar to a child), his life changes drastically.
He is coaxed into proposing to Mary by
her mother, who convulses at the sight of
Cornish Game Hen and shoves lit ciga-
rettes into the mouth of Mary’s vegetative
grandmother. Like every good Christian
couple, the two move in together to be-
gin taking care of the “baby”. This baby
that I write about is more like a mixture of
the aliens in Fire in the Sky and Little Foot
just how far Lynch
into the minds of the
in viewers. And,
believe me; you’ll
see some things that
you could only
imagine in your
I’m sure that a lot of the plot synopsis
did not make much sense the way that
I wrote it out. That’s because it doesn’t.
Eraserhead will have a different meaning
to all that watch it. It could be about fear
of fatherhood. It could be about adultery.
It really could be a simple exploration
into the average person’s psyche. What
does Lynch say the film is about? Well, he
won’t give a straight answer. He claims
that he has yet to hear an interpretation
of the film that is the same as his own.
He did, however, state that the influences
in Henry’s life are meant to mirror those
in Lynch’s own life while living in Philadel-
phia. He states that, “There was a sense
of dread pretty much everywhere I went.
I didn’t live in any good parts of Philadel-
phia, and so dread was my general feel-
ing. I hated it. And, also, I loved it.” I don’t
thoughts and evoke emotions that many
real life experiences are hard pressed to
do. 2.) If it was weird only for the sake of
being weird, then there would be no plot;
nothing holding the images and dialogue
together. Don’t get me wrong, this is a
weird movie. This is one of the strangest
things I have ever seen. But it is not with-
out value. It is not simply something that
you watch and completely forget about.
With Eraserhead, Lynch crafts a nightmare
out of our own minds. He manages to
tell a story and combine it with some of
the most surreal, captivating imagery ever
seen in film. That is not the purpose of
Eraserhead though. What is the purpose
then? I have no idea. Maybe I’ll smoke
some DMT then write a sequel.
If there is one truth to this movie, I really
do hope it is that in heaven everything re-
ally is fine. Maybe people will stop being
so scared of dying and start focusing on
life a little more.
Music Tidbit: The Pixies covered the song
that the Lady in the Radiator sings (“In
Heaven”). I personally like the film version
a bit better, but it is still good when the
Pixies belt it out.
reth. Except with this film there is much
more nudity, violence, and Dali-esque
images than there ever was with those
lameos. Also, who decided that, with a
time machine, they should go see Jesus
act like David Blaine instead of checking
out dinosaurs or making bets on the pre-
vious year’s Super Bowl? It all just seems
a little impractical to me.
The basic premise behind this movie is
that there is, in fact, a holy mountain
where gods live and become immortal.
The leader behind the quest for this holy
mountain is a Jesus Christ figure who
travels around Mexico City behind hailed
as the Messiah. This is all after he is cru-
cified by children and consequently saved
by a legless dwarf. At first, it seems a
daunting task to simply take in everything
that is going on, let alone understand the
significance of the unbelievable images
being presented. However, as the film
progresses, you begin to accept every-
thing that is happening before your eyes.
We follow JC and his followers on their
quest to reach immortality and confront
the Nine Masters who reside at the Holy
Mountain.

33 34

The movie changes pace
often. At times it is a thor-
oughly introspective expe-
rience, probing the viewer
for insight. At other times,
though, it is more of an ab-
surdist comedy, where the
bizarre nature of the scene is
actually pretty funny (espe-
cially the last scene, which is
both hilarious and extremely
different than anything you’ve
ever seen). There are defi-
nitely some scenes where the
squeamish might not want to
watch. One particular scene
with a sword and an exposed
penis comes to mind.
35
To be completely honest, like
many of the films on this list,
I cannot really say what The
Holy Mountain is about. De-
finitively. I think it is about
Jodorowsky trying to show
an audience something com-
pletely different. He gives
them this story with familiar
aspects and completely whips
it up into one big allegorical
smoothie. He shocks, amus-
es, entertains, scares, and
even disgusts people with this
one film. The interesting part
is that it all feels completely
appropriate. When Alejandro
Jodorowsky started making
Short
The Holy Mountain, he must
have had the intention to
bring something completely
Fiction::
new to cinema (not new for
him, but new for everyone
else). I don’t think anyone
could ever deny his success
in that venture after watching by:Frank Tobin
this film.
I sit in a library in downtown Los Angeles.
Phobia Alert: If you are Jeff
I am here to support an acquaintance (we
Daniels and have arachno-
met at a writing workshop three years
phobia, you will want to watch
ago), who is giving a reading from his
out for one scene in this film.
recently published novel.
There are several rows of fold out chairs
placed in front of a podium. It is a fairly
well attended event, which both surprises
and irritates me.
An old English man then approaches
the podium. He puts on his glasses and
begins reading from a note card:
“I feel very privileged to be in the pres-
ence of one of the great young talents of
the literary world today. He is a graduate
of Amherst College and Phillips Exeter
Academy. He is the author of the highly
acclaimed, dramatic romance novel, Su-
perfluous Love. Ladies and gentleman; it
gives me great pleasure to introduce to
you, without further ado, Bernard Mar-
row.”
There is uproarious applause from the
two dozen or so people in attendance. I
am, however, unimpressed.
My supposed friend, Bernard Marrow,
then walks to the podium. He is in his late
thirties, and sports a stud earring. He is
dressed in a pale gray Stetson suit jacket,
complete with a white dress shirt and a
black tie. He hugs the old English man
and kisses him on the forehead. He
stands at the podium and basks in the
audience’s admiration of him. The entire
spectacle is sickening.
Then, in an overly dramatic voice, he be-
gins reading a passage from his novel:
“The couple lies naked on the ship deck as
an iceberg passes over yonder. Their bod-
ies remain intertwined as they make love
beneath the fleeting dusklight. Je veux
être à l’ intérieur de vous, he whispers. The
North Atlantic Sea remains calm. The only
sounds reverberating throughout the ves-
sel are the clatter of the young woman’s
supple, pouting breasts and flapping of her
labia.”
I quickly become nauseous and I am
forced to retire to the men’s room, where
I vomit, as I have never heard a more con-
trived piece of garbage in my life. And as I
hover over the toilet bowl I begin to won-
der how this insufferable man became
successful? How could this possibly hap-
pen? I mean, I’ve looked deep inside his
core, and have found nothing. The way I
see it, Bernard is merely a talentless poser
with an extraordinary gift for self-hype.
He carries himself in this arrogant, faux-
cerebral posturing sort of way, not unlike
many rock stars.
I know that sounds mean to say, but I’m
not trying to be mean. And to be honest,
it’s almost a compliment I’m giving him.
Self-promotion is a gift that most suc-
cessful people have. I mean, how many
legitimately talented people are there in
Hollywood? The answer is very few. The
key is being able to market yourself right.
36
 As I exit the bathroom sometime later,
I see Bernard now standing among the
card catalogues, puffing on a cigarette.
He is surrounded by several journalists.
who have tape recorders in his face.
A journalist then asks, “What is your reac-
tion to the numerous accusations of pla-
giarism in your work?”
“Well, it’s always been my contention that
certain members of the media will never
be receptive to raw talent, and therefore
make personal vendettas against said tal-
ent.”
“With all due respect, Charles Osgood
of The New York Times found numerous
passages in your book that were lifted
directly from James Joyce novels… verba-
tim.”
“I was simply paying homage to Mr.
Joyce”, Bernard responds, confidently.
Another journalist then interjects, saying,
“Mr. Marrow, you have also been accused
in several literary journals of being com-
pletely self involved and alienating to-
wards your friends and colleagues since
the success of your novel.”
This is in fact true, as I have never seen not unusual behavior.
such a small amount of success go to
someone’s head more than it has with this until I blurt, “So, I’ve decided to move
man.
Bernard shakes his head and says, “So He continues puffing on his cigarette,
useless, so boring.” “Would you care to
comment?”
Bernard pauses, and then says, “Well,
it’s true… I have been receiving grief from
my colleagues since the publication of
Superfluous Love.
37
Apparently, my new found literary celeb-
rity, as well as the large sum of money I’ve
accrued from my novel have made oth-
ers envious. But I must remind you that
the majority of my wealth has come from
small investments in V.O.I.P products that
I was able to parlay into a large fortune.”
Bernard then smiles smugly as flashbulbs
go off.
It is at this moment that my destiny re-
veals itself. I have been waiting for the
universe to provide me with a new path. I
now know that I cannot spend one more
day in this god forsaken city.
Later in the evening, Bernard and I dine in
a restaurant that is filled to capacity. The
décor is exquisitely tasteful, and its ambi-
ance is warm and convivial. Bernard pulls
out a pack of cigarettes from his jacket
pocket, and then says, “This place is a real
beehive of activity tonight. Although, I
must say that there aren’t any interesting
people here.”
Bernard then lights up and takes a drag
from his cigarette.. He exhales deeply
and a large cloud of smoke consumes the
table. He is very distant tonight, which is
There is a brooding silence at the table
back east.”
almost refusing to make eye contact with
me.
After a long pause, he finally says, “You’ve
made this threat before. And you’re aware
that these tickets are non-refundable?”
He doesn’t think I will go, and this makes
me want to storm out of the restaurant
and hop on the next plane.
“I mean it this time”, I say sharply.
Bernard then begins chain smoking.
“See, the trouble with you, Michael, is
you’ve got no faith. Maybe you can chalk
that up to youth or inexperience, but the
lack of faith is definitely there. And I’m
sorry to have to say this, and I certainly
don’t want you to take it personally, but I
have to tell you that I don’t… I don’t know
if I have faith in your judgment.”
Honest to god, this is actually how he
speaks. And he has always spoken this
way; with this sort of subtle condescen-
sion. You would almost think that he has
never had a real conversation with anyone
in his entire life.
“Please, do not patronize me right now”, I
say annoyed.
“I’m not patronizing you, Michael. You
seem to feel that you have a hold on
things, and I’m merely acting as a gentle
reminder that you don’t.”
“The whole thing is… I have to stop pre-
tending that things are going my way,
when… Well, I mean, you know. You were
there.”
And it’s true, he was there. I mean, not
that he comforted me in anyway, but he
was present.
“You’ve been here five years. You’ve only
just begun your courtship of this ravish-
ing young lady named Hollywood.”
“Bernard, I’ve come to terms with the fact
that it isn’t going to happen for me. And
at this point, I just need to stop deluding
myself and develop some semblance of a
life… some sense of normalcy. I don’t have
any of that here. I have no support sys-
tem. No girlfriend.”
“Fame and normalcy are mutually exclu-
sive, Michael.”
Okay. So maybe it is just my vulnerability
speaking, but he’s making a lot of sense,
right? This couldn’t be, could it? Tell me,
please, this cannot be true.
After a moment, Bernard chimes in say-
ing,
” You know, people think that guys like
me, you know, people who have made it,
lose their empathy for struggling young
talent such as yourself. But I know from
experience that those people are just cyn-
ics, embittered by their own failure. And I
am as human as anyone else… if not more
so. So, what you need to decide, friend,
is whether you want to spend the rest of
your life back home talking about nothing
with nothings or if you want something
better. You want something better don’t
you?”
“I don’t know. I don’t really have any long
term or short term goals anymore”, I say
in reverie.
And there you have it. That is the last
time we will ever speak, probably. Our
lives from this point on will take us in dif-
ferent directions. Perhaps one day in the
future I will be reminded of him. But from
this point on I will live in a Bernard Mar-
row free universe.
38

by:James Schu
U
pon a recent trip to
the Philadelphia Zoo, I
noticed a placard post-
ed on the outside of several
animals’ glass enclosures in
the Small Mammals building:
“Though these animals would
never encounter one another
in the wild,” it read, almost
quaint in its tone, “they actu-
ally make great roommates!”
A giant elephant shrew and a
prehensile-tailed porcupine.
A pygmy marmoset and a
Coquerel’s sifaka. Two unre-
lated species, foreign to one
another in climate, environ-
39
B
Japanese U
FightinG
ment, and geography, who
had nonetheless been thrust
upon one another and forced
to “make it work” in a shared
habitat, as if they were two
college dorm-mates meeting
for the first time at freshman
orientation.
Why did this sound so famil-
iar to me at the zoo that day?
What was it about this sce-
nario—this random sense of
an odd animal pairing being
dropped in from above, into
the same cramped, glass liv-
ing quarters—that was oh-so-
faintly jogging my memory?
It occurred to me that I had
seen this before —almost
this exact situation, complete
with a cubic glass enclosure—
though conducted to a far
more nefarious endgame. It
was a series of short videos
called Japanese Bug Fights.
The Bug Fight videos inhabit
a small, subversive, and de-
cidedly twisted corner of the
Youtube empire. Shot at
close-range outside a plas-
tic or glass aquarium-like
cube, each video documents
a battle to the death, usually
lasting around three minutes,
between two of nature’s most
fearsome insects or arachnids.
Spider vs. praying mantis.
Centipede vs. scorpion. Black
widow vs. wasp.
The videos are stylistically
edited to to resemble tradi-
tional boxing pomp-and-cir-
cumstance gimmicks, albeit in
an over-the-top, tongue-in-
cheek manner.
Each match
begins with a
voiced-over
ring announcer
introducing
the challenger
and competi-
tor, in untrans-
lated Japa-
nese, against a
background of
fire, lightning
or explosions.
The lengths of
the respective
fighters are listed in millime-
ters, a nod to boxing’s pre-
match weigh-ins, and occa-
sionally the bugs are assigned
to red and blue corners. Fi-
nally, a bell is rung to start
each round.
Using their array of stingers,
jaws, claws and teeth, the
bugs engage one another
with manic, abrupt defensive-
ness. At first, they’ll try to
immobilize or disarm their
opponent before going in for
the kill. A match proceeds
until one bug kills the other, matter that we’ve watched at
and the fatal strike is often all in the first place? Is there
replayed in slow-motion. something to glean from
These creatures are truly the the perverse juxtaposition
stuff of nightmares, and de- of something so dark and
spite the inherent inhumanity discomforting with videos
of pudding-faced, laughing
of the spectacle, it is none-
babies, and lovingly cho-
theless difficult to conjure
reographed wedding dance
up even the the slightest bit
numbers? I first learned
of sympathy for their ordeal.
of these videos’ existence
Still, this is hardly any differ-
through my
12-year-old
brother, who
had inno-
cently under-
taken a Planet
Earth-inspired
search for vid-
eos of bugs,
snakes, and
other creepy-
crawlies of
that ilk. Even-
tually, he
came upon
Japanese
ent from the conduct that
Bug Fights. I assume this is
incited recent public outcry
how most of us who oper-
against dogfighting in the
wake of Michael Vick’s pit-bull ate our computers well within
scandal. (Vick was convicted the fringes of societal norms
of running a dogfighting ring would nonetheless stumble
upon something like Japa-
and has recently completed
his federal incarceration sen- nese Bug Fights: accidentally,
tence.)What does this say unintentionally, and regret-
about those who would sub- tably. But even the most
ject the bugs to such ghastly well-adapted and “normal”
measures? What does it say among us are not likely to
about those among us who’d forget what we’ve seen; and,
watch? Is it relevant if we’re as slaves to human nature,
disgusted or entertained at and with simple curiosity our
what we see, or does it only master, we’re likely to return..
40
continued from page 10
it is like the ghostbusters
locker. I was, again, success-
ful at balancing the world
out in my brain. I sat and
watched as the world became
twitterfied overnight. Ashton
Kutcher was battling CNN
for the most followers and
the word Tweet was appear-
ing everywhere. I fear by this
time next year, these words
may even appear in our dic-
tionaries.
I would normally continue to
write about the suck value
of something like Twitter,
but not today. My mind was
changed when I was locked
up on vacation abroad. The
television had minimal con-
tact with my outside world.
Everything was in another
language and the subtitles
weren’t exactly readable.
There was CNN and only
CNN. Awesome the news
is so funny, I would love to
watch it on vacation. (isn’t it
the exact reason you go on
vacation?)
On June 12, 2009, the people take place in the early morn-
of Iran had an election and
almost 40 million people
turned out and casted a vote. tools of the new revolution?
The next day, it was all over
(or did it just start?) and Ah- tain that question, let alone
madinejad was still the leader. propose and type it) I was
The rest of the world tried to shocked to see the change in
make sense of all of this as
the people of Iran gathered
to show how dissatisfied
41
they were. Then Iran was
shut off from the outside
world and the citizens of
the world could not get the
accurate story from their
respected journalists. The
government of Iran had gone
into damage control im-
meadiately and attempted
this from being spilled over
onto our frontpages, but their
actions were thwarted not
by a caped crusader. Rather
a group of them armed with
the most dangerous weapons
of all: Twitter and other social
networking sites.
The goverment stopped the
writers and journalists, but
they could not stop the every
day men and women. Videos
were being posted to You-
tube, Twitter was being used
to spread the real news, the
news from the streets filled
with rage and protest. Twitter
began to adapt to the func-
tionally required, much like
the news cycle has over the
past 5-7 years. Updates and
site maintence were moved to
ing in Iran. Were social net-
working sites becoming the
(I never thought I’d enter-
Twitter. It was like wikipedia:
it was the only thing out there
and you were afraid to cite it
knowing that some guy in
his home could be randomly
making some falst claim. But
CNN had no choice, they
were coerced into believing
that this was all credible.
Then there was the death of
a young female, Neda Agha-
Soltan, and Twitter went from
regular internet social net-
working site to an established
power player. The internet
was filled with stories, first
hand accounts, pictures of
some of the incident and
aftermath. CNN could not
report the accuracy of all
of the events, but the large
outpouring convinced the
general public that this was
what happened. The people
finally had their voice. It was
a victory not seen in years.
People could organize, revo-
lution might be here. V may
have been right. But like any
great trend, they fade away
and Twitter was not as vulner-
able as it seemed. No matter
how foolish you may think
Twitter actually is, it served an
extraordinary purpose for a
few days and ultimately it did
not suck. Twitter showed that
these social networking sites
are not just a bunch of stalk-
ers with no direction. They
are ready and willing to rise,
they are the undead and just
waiting to rise. Twitter and
its breathren nearly wet their
pants with this episode in
Iran, but it has not become a
But instead of holding up a As Sacha Baron Cohen and
habitual practice. No longer mirror to America, he held up Universal Pictures prepare for
are the days, when everyday a magnifying glass. the upcoming release of Bru-
citizens fought for something no, they have a responsibility
that was worth fighting for. However, the question of
Twitter is back to sucking whether or not Cohen’s titular to make sure that the viewing
public understands this char-
again, so if you the Twitterers character is, himself, a dan-
gerous stereotype is one that acter is done as satire to poke
of the world are reading this, fun at stereotyping. Otherwise,
still needs to be examined.
STOP! WE do not care about they run the risk of 16 yr old
Many have argued that Bru-
the Jonas Brothers or ATT&T. high school boys across the
no, as a character, is far too
Rise again and please, please
stop sucking. ridiculous for any sane person country feeling empowered to
to associate with all homo- bully schoolmates. And tragi-
cally we already know what
sexuals. The Human Rights
Campaign, however, disagrees the consequences of that are.
with this notion, as they have -Queerty, June 2009
continued from page 20
recently condemned the film This statement helps to show
...to play up America’s ab-
with thish statement: some of the ripple effect of
surdity. For instance, the two
celebrity charity consultantsIf the context and intent be- this type of mockery.
were told to “turn up their hind this kind of particular While teaching in an eighth
humor is about exposing and
blondenes” for their interview. grade classroom for four
For Bruno’s climatic scene, making fun of homophobia months this year, I discovered
in which a shakily straight- to show the ridiculousness that the statement, “That’s
reformed Bruno does a UFC of it, that is one thing. What gay,” has basically become a
cage match against his ex- is undeniable though is the catch phrase among white
assistant/lover, which turns impact on the audience is suburban youth, making it
into a make out session/riot,going to vary. Although we seemingly impossible for a
the audience was offered one view the movie for what it is, gay teen to feel comfortable
a satirical portrayal of ste-
dollar beers for an hour and a in his or her school.
half before the match per re-reotyping, we shouldn’t lose
Instead of being a hilariously
quest of Cohen’s production sight of the seriousness of this
grotesque riffing on America,
company. They also received issue. The #1 epithet used on
to certain people, Bruno will
schoolyards across the coun-
t-shirts from the film crew, cit-
become another reason for
try remains anti-gay slurs. In
ing slogans like, “My ass if for
them to be wierded out by
pooping.” the last few months, we have
gay people
had to continually witness
These steps taken by Cohen Although I did walk away
the heartbreaking suicides of
to enhance the likelihood of from the theatre understand-
young boys who were taunted
something ridiculous happen- ing Cohen’s intent, I doubt
and bullied using anti-gay
ing may have been an effort the young man who called
epithets. It continues to re-
to make sure Americans were me a “faggot” had any of his
main a serious problem in this
not let off the hook. prejudices altered.
country.
42