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Tripping Soul

Naeem Baig

To

My beloved mother.

All rights Reserved First electronically published in 2009

This is purely a work of fiction. All the names, characters, Organizations and events portrayed are either the products of Authors imagination or used fictitiously for the purposes of verisimilitude. Any resemblance to any actual person living or dead or any organization is coincidental.

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Authors Note.

The Tripping Soul was fundamentally a work of fiction, yet in order to write in autobiographic manner certain details were incorporated to make it a drama of a real life. My understanding in political, socio-economic and cultural changes emerged on the globe and in our country was certainly my view point. Yet especially writing of fiction under the shadows of such impaired political and socio-cultural scenario in vogue in our society was much more difficult. Nevertheless it was a good deal better than it was before I began to search into and till completion of this book. However, since I am amateur writer and this book was also not the first drop on the thirsty earth pleading for eradication of social evils, my work might endure versatile criticism. But at the same time I understand my shortcoming in the art of writing which is highly regretted with this promise to be more creative in future. I have tried an imaginative and inventive memoir to transform into a fictional theme and how much I am successful; it is for the readers to decide.

Acknowledgements

I am grateful to Saleem Shahab for his considerate editing and unfailing belief in this book and for his repeated reassurance during the editorial process. He is such a kind and clear sighted friend and a professional editor taking me on and for setting the whole process of bringing Tripping Soul to publication in motion.

I am much more thankful to Professor Dr. Farooq Ahmad, Head of Urdu Department and Dean of Arts, University of Baluchistan Pakistan presently at New York USA, Afzal Murad Resident Director Academy of letters Baluchistan, Pakistan and Mohsin Shakil a great poet of National repute, for their continuous support on the manuscript and motivation for writing of this book.

PS. During the course of concluding revised-edition of this book, shocking news about the sad demise of Prof. Dr. Farooq Ahmad at New York struck the national & international media. The author and his colleagues working on this book offer their profound heartiest condolence to the family of Dr. Farooq Ahmad. May God place his soul in eternal peace?

Author 20th Jan, 2011.

Never go away

Oits all yours adore and worship Let it enfold me; And let my passions be on fire, Its amazing and encircling me; Convey my soul resting on desire; I am your love and obsessive, So let my heart ablaze in it. Let the hopes seize me, Dwell my lust and spirit; Your first glimpse touched my heart And I need you Come closer and near, And bring back my life, my dear. You are the sign of love, So bless me with your lips; I am thirsty of your tenderness, So let me glow into fragrance of your love; And never go away.

Prologue

This story is based on my thoughts; my experiences and what I actualized during my long occupancy as a professional person, but dont be terrified .. I am not writing something on my subject. It has nothing to do with it; my profession altogether was a Ghum-e-Roozgar, not my fascination. Nevertheless what I am going to write in this book contains such realities which might take you to the heights of dreams and desires, thoughts and imagination, feelings and judgments and at the same time you may enjoy it visualizing the accomplishments which I did in my tears and laughs. This is exactly not a story of mere achievements; it encompasses a source of temperament, courage and bravery which I perhaps could hardly managed to carry with me in whole of my life in its true spirit which I still feel in the depth of my heart and persuaded myself to remain within it. I am not sure, may be a few readers and some other elements I would call them theocrat representing a so-called religious segment of our society, may take some of steps to get this book declared against the ethics of their ostensible theocratic society and may be to some extent against the communal norms as well. But, I know, they wont have the courage to do so, as progressive norms and practice in vogue in our country give ample courage to its citizens to say, explore and establish a truth and not ratify such pressures even it stampede the society. The hidden and prohibited privileges enjoyed by the elite class by breaking rule of law has ultimately produced a strange fetter culture in the society with sectarian and ethnic division and the worst philosophy of might is right. Please bear me out to say that unfortunately our society has followed the state-of-the-art practices to live with it. You may call it religious affairs of the individuals, economic habits, cultural show off and above all indistinct modification of humanitys definition by virtue of our attitude and distinguishably distorted ethics.

In this book the relationships from which I got pleasure and also enjoyed by the people around me, my friends especially my female friends were of unique in nature. I would like to share that during writing of this book if any related incident came across within the ambit of the book I would love to add instantly but ponderously as it might be against the customs of a proper book writings. But I am confident and still need facilitation from the readers to receive it as I am taking liberty of readers to stand with me in these judgments knowingly that nothing is permanent.

This part of the preface is written by me just prior to write my story as I sought to ignite my thoughts and feelings to overflow in shape of words and rest of the piece is written afterwards. So before I finish it, I pronounce publicly that this book, you may interpret it otherwise, is a true picture of my life and one can judge it as my memoir, but I dont think it is an autobiography. Because it did not contain those parts which otherwise happened to me but do not attract any interest of the readers.

Now I am at the crest of my thoughts and try to take you with my imaginations to the castle on the skies where I found myself too superfluous, yet what so ever I am writing is no fiction at all? Yet fictional touch-of-class has been taken into consideration to make it a readable substance and you can say it provocative and fully realized fiction. My characters and companions who so ever come across this story have to bear in their minds that they are exposed to the extent of truth only with their real personality marks and feelings. What I am trying to produce before my readers are the circumstances coupled with classical moments which I witnessed and shared with others during my journey of life. Doctors say I am a patient of schizophrenia besides having bad lungs and liver. They are doing their best to bring me in the normal life, but when you are broken at your heart miserably and lost your destiny, and then I think one should not live in this world. Its a cruel world and specially our society which has nothing to do with the life of an individual. I may equate my score if I am reincarnated. Now I dont want to remain in between you and my story so please go ahead with the tale of madman.

Ali Kamal 1998.

TRIPPING SOUL Part I I sincerely believe that you have not lived your life till you have loved, so I think this project would warm the magazine among our young readers. Sarah looked at the ceiling thoughtfully. Her assistant Nauman watched her pale but beautiful fingers holding a cigarette. They were having tea together and smoking cigarettes. Room was full of smoke. Do you think it is really going to work? Nauman still had some doubts in his mind. He looked Sarah blew smoke rings in the air. Yes I am certain this type of interview we never had before. Dr. Suleman was not sure enough but it was my idea. Although it will not cost us financially much yet I presume time factor involved in this project may cost us hell. Sarah said thoughtfully. She poured more tea in her mug from the percolator. It was a small office of local magazine. Room was not furnished well. Lots of books were racked in the hanging cabinets on the walls. Files with some magazines with faint covers were piled up and somehow scattered around on the table and floor. They were in the middle of finalizing a feature which has to be in the press by tomorrow. Sarah was in charge of feature section and Nauman was her assistant. Nauman was much younger than Sarah. Hed been a junior reporter in a daily newspaper before joining this magazine. He was Masters in Journalism and had acquired special skill in electronic gadgets and digital photography. The latest computerized equipment was just delivered to them a couple of days before by their management and they were planning to come up with breaking feature for the magazine. Sarah was a graduate in mid thirties and had joined journalism a decade earlier. It was just a co-incident that when she was in search of job and was referred by one of her friends to a magazine editor, who perhaps judged the inner qualities of this young woman and placed her in crime reporting section where they were in need of a young person as internee. Since she was a genius and hard worker, she made her place in the crime section and learned skillfully nucleus of the journalism. Afterwards she got hands on experience at her credit in different journals and newspapers of national repute. Later she became investigating Journalist and developed her skill to dig out the complicated and mystic reporting and then she used to write comprehensive feature on it supported by skilfully shot photographs and audio/video recordings. Most of her features were based on social and cultural endurance issues of this filthy society which have been recognized internationally and have won several awards. Her husband was a local English school teacher and was living happy life with two kids still approaching to school age. It was by chance Sarah was visiting to her old friend and classmate Dr. Suleman who was busy with some of his patient named Ali whod become violent a day earlier and was not allowing some one near to him. I am sorry Sarah youve to wait for a while. One of our patients is not responding to our high graded medicines to calm down. He is extremely aggressive and has got so much physical

power that hes just blown up one of our male nurses nose to bleeding. I will be back soon. Suleman said hurriedly to Sarah. Listen Dr. Suleman can I see him with you? Sarah asked. Wait until I get him to bed. Dr. Suleman came after half an hour and sat on his chair and sighed out. O my God. I havent seen such a patient in my life time Suleman pushed him back of his seat and said. He is exceptional case. Who is he? Sarah said thoughtfully. I dont know much about him, replied Suleman. He was brought here a weeks ago referred by a charity hospital. He is an extreme case of schizophrenia on the face, but some time he behaves as good as normal human being. Suleman thoughtfully described the patient. I had tried to take his personal history, but he doesnt speak much about himself. Anyway were giving him treatment but I think hell take much more time to come out of this disease he continued. O Suleman, can you allow me to have his interview, maybe I could do some good to him and yourself as well. Sarah was feeling great sense of grief for the patient. I am not sure whether or not he agrees to speak with you. Suleman said hesitantly. Has he got some visitor or some of his relative? Sarah seems curious. Not so far. Suleman said. You better try to talk with him and make him convinced for my appointment with him. Rest leave to me, Ill manage to speak him out. Sarah said confidently. Ok if you think it may workIve no objection. Suleman said thoughtfully. Ill try to get his appointment. Dr. Suleman was an Assistant Professor in psychiatric department of the local renowned hospital. Next day he called Sarah and conveyed her good news about Alis consent to talk with her. Now it depends on you, may be this exercise helps Ali and all others to get him out of this disease. Dr. Suleman was hopeful. Then what do you suggest, when I should come for his interview? Sarah was excited to have another good story for his feature. It depends on you, how early you want to see him. Suleman smiled. Fine Suleman, Ill let you know tomorrow. Sarah said and hung up the phone.

Now Sarah sitting with Nauman was planning for the interview. She was of the opinion that interview should be recorded through video equipment; some still shots may also be taken out about the environment where he is being treated. Some of the interviews should also be obtained from the staff deputed on him and final interview be taken from Dr. Suleman to accomplish the complete feature on the issue. They had already fixed the day after tomorrow for the interview and have obtained necessary go-ahead approval from their Editor.

The three members crew Sarah, Nauman and Johnny was sitting in Dr. Sulemans room and waiting for entrance clearance in the general patient ward. All of them were anticipating a grand feature substance to face. But Johnny looked little more excited than others. He was middle aged with brownish complexion and short heightened person, who was basically magazines van driver, but he was never treated and considered as driver, instead he was a good logistic and crew manager and normally used to accompany Sarah in all adventurous occasions. A female nurse came into Dr. Sulemans office and asked them if they were ready. Yes sister we are ready. Sarah nodded. She ushered all the crew to a patients ward. She opened the iron grilled first and then unlocked the door. A security guard was standing inside the grill. She nodded to the security guard who instantly complied her nod, opened another lock and allowed them to enter into the ward. Outside the grill a small size board was hanging written on it Serious patients-Prohibited Area. Nauman didnt take a second to shot this board with his camera hanging around his neck. Then nurse stopped in the middle of ward and pointed them a bed with fresh linen and couple of flowers on the side table in the corner of the ward. It was Alis bed. The area was curtained by standing wooden shields. Nauman was shooting snaps over snaps of the area and ward. The moment they come closer to Ali he got up on the bed and sat comfortably pushing small cushions on his back. He looked tall with boney structure. Grey hairs on his fringe made him much sombre. He looked weary but welcomed them with smiling face. Perhaps Dr. Suleman has introduced them earlier. Sarah introduced herself and her crew members. Ali, we are here to see you and talk with you. Sarah told Ali with a friendly manner and smiling face. Well also shot you through video and some still photography besides recording of all conversation. During conversation whenever you feel tired and want us to stop, you can ask us and well stop immediately. We are now friends and to register our friendship I would like to present you a few gifts. Our magazines management has sent you these gifts with the pray to get well soon. Sarah had got guts to speak professionally. Before presentation of the gifts, Dr. Suleman had also arrived and shook hand with Ali. Ali looked very frightened and looked in the eyes of Dr. Suleman. Perhaps he was not expecting such type of protocol.

Sarah presented a wrapped bundle of books on different topics; as she has already done her rekey-work through some staff of the hospital and have known Alis interest about books. A flower bouquet with some chocolates and a beautiful table watch were also part of the gifts. The occasion was skilfully shot by Nauman without taking anybodys notice. All were busy in the presentation and clapping including a few male and female doctors & nurses. One or two nearby patients were also trying to sneak the event through the slit of the wooden shields. This brief formal function has impressed Ali a lot and he gained enough confidence to talk with Sarah more friendly and frankly. Dr. Suleman had already gone and rest of his staff also left them to work. Ali, at the outset, we would like you to speak about yourself. You tell us whatever you know about yourself, your family and your friends. Sarah putting her first question smilingly and offered Ali to speak at his own will. Madam can you ask anything else leaving my introduction. Ali seemed frown. It was an unexpected response from Ali. Sarah was not expecting this kind of answer from him. She immediately sensed the significance of the Alis personality. She thought Ali is not as easy as she was thinking. Ali then how could we be able to help you to come out from this place. Sarah replied. Who says I want to get outside? Ali asked irately and then suddenly he was soft. Madam you can talk with me on any topic you like, but not my personal life. It does in fact hurt me, besides there is nothing in it which can be of any use to you. He replied very intelligently. Ok... fine, talk whatever you like. Sarah gave-up her early idea immediately and thought to come on this question at a later stage. They talked about two hours, in-between the conversation they enjoyed the tea and some cookies with the courtesy of the hospital. But at the end of the conversation Sarah was still hopeful to go deep into Alis life to dig out the reasons for his ailment to that serious extent. However in this session, they were of the opinion that Ali is as good as normal person, but there is something wrong with Ali. They were afraid that doctors might have misjudged his ailment if at all Ali had it. The crew thanked Ali for the cooperation he extended for interviewing him. They told him that the interview would be continuing if he agrees to. Ali did not respond verbally but slightly nodded to it. Later they were gathered in Dr. Suleman room and were discussing post interview apparent facts. Sarah and her co-staff were of the firm belief that Ali is an average person. Dr. Suleman had his diverse view. I dont know what you people are talking about. He is a serious patient of schizophrenia. We have been working on him since two weeks and he has proved it.

It happens sometime, these kinds of patients have extremely unbalanced phases of their illness. Sometime they look like a normal person and again within a span of hours they become violent on petty things and show irate as they can possible and then they become abnormal and mad for non-compliance. Dr. Suleman explained. Its a kind of disease that alters brain chemistry and it fails to form different behaviors in those afflicted with the problems. It appears that these alterations change the inherent I-function in the individual. Loss of important functions associated with this piece of greater nervous system is found in these people. Certain signals are not being transmitted to the brain preventing logical responses and such people are not consciously aware because all parts of the body are still operating. So it impairs behaviour because it prevents the brain from developing particular schemata within the brain. Dr. Suleman explained to Sarah enabling her to understand the exact problem of Ali. That mean Suleman, well have to work more carefully on this issue. Until and unless we found the reasons for this particular disease to occur in this age of the patient, we are unable to cure it. Sarah said thoughtfully to Suleman. Yes, we are doing our best to first bring down the severity of this disease in Ali and then we may proceed for psychotherapies at a later stage Dr. Suleman said caringly. Your discussion with the patient may help us a lot to bring him in normal life more possibly. Fine Suleman, now perhaps Ill do it alone but not in a professional manner. Rather Ill come personally and talk with Ali some other day. Sarah looked approvingly to her crew members. They were all agreed on the proposition and left Dr. Suleman office.

It was maybe third day of the early interview Sarah had with Ali. She was just passing by Dr. Sulemans hospital. She thought of Ali for a while and entered the hospital. She asked for Dr. Suleman who has not yet come to his office. Some other doctor told Sarah, he is on-call duty and would only be available when he is called for any emergency. Sarah took decision to meet Ali herself. She requested one of the staff nurses of Suleman office, whether she can meet Ali right now. Staff nurse knowingly Sarah, a friend of Dr. Suleman, nodded and asked her to wait for while so that she could do something. She came back with smiling face and said to Sarah. Madam, Ive just talked with another doctor who is in charge now. He says you can see Ali but for a short while, may be not more than half an hour. Thats would be fine Ill not take much time. Sarah replied. Then please wait here, Ill come back. She went back in the reception hall.

Sarah picked up a cultural journal placed on the visitors table to have a look on it. Soon she came back and signalled Sarah to follow her. She got up and followed the nurse. They both entered in another ward which is known for the emergency patients. Is he here? Sarah asked while walking. Yes Madam, we have shifted him here in the last night. Hed terrible breathless symptoms last night and staff shifted him here, but now he is fine and taking rest. Lesser you talk its better for him. She suggested while taking Sarah to Alis bed. Sure Ill do it; I just wanted to let him know I was visiting him. Thats all. Sarah nodded in agreement. Ali was lying on the bed. A white sheet was half covering him with a blanket on his legs side. Hello Ali, how do you feel now? Do you recognize me? Sarah spoke in soft voice. His eyes were closed, but on hearing from Sarah; he opened his eyes and looked on her with blank eyes with no emotions at all in it. It was terrific. Sarah thought. He must have been facing a painful ordeal. Hed black hives around his eyes, a pale face looked dejected. Sarah sat on a nearby chair close to him and waved to nurse to leave them alone. Nurse at a first instance was hesitant, then politely looking into the eyes of Sarah as were saying if you need me I am here in close proximity and left the scene. Sarah softly picked up Alis hand in her and again said in a lean voice... Ali do you hear me and recognize me? Ali just nodded as he was saying yes to her. Sarah continued. Ali We are editing your interview the day earlier we had. Do you remember it? We are planning to publish it in the coming issue. It would be marvelous for the readers. I am confident doctors are looking after you. Are you satisfied with them and your treatment? Sarah looked Ali; whod tears in his eyes. Sarah felt empathy about him but was contented to see that at least Ali understood every word she spoke to him. She wiped out the tears from his cheeks with a piece of tissue paper and held her hand effectively to convey her own feeling to him. Ali youll be alright very soon. If anything you need, you can ask me. Sarah said to him. Ali twisted his lips and tried to speak. YesAli I am listening to you please speak something. Sarah encouraged him. Mam, I want you to publish my whole story in your journal. Now I am dying perhaps and I dont want to hide anything from the people. Ali said in very low voice almost inaudible. Please ask the doctors to do me a favour...for a couple of days more keep me alive, so that I could tell you the truth of my life." He spoke in quiver voice.

NoAli, dont say like that you are going to win the race of life. I am sure that a selfeffacing person like you could manage himself to live vividly again in this beautiful world with all you strength and liveliness. Mam I am thankful. He seemed given-up. Oh nono, please dont cry Ali. Sarah said holding his face in her hands. Everything will be alright soon. You have power to enter and to become what you see and paint in your life. Madam all my written matter is kept with one of my friend. Ill give you his name and address and he will give you my folder. Ali said in a feeble voice. Would it be possible for you to visit me after two days, so that I could let you know the name and address of my friend? Ali continued. Yes sure Ill come. Sarah said to him and requested pardon to leave. They said goodbye to each other and Sarah left his ward. On his way back she thanked the nurse who helped her to see Ali and left the hospital.

After two days Sarah went to the hospital and she was told that Ali has gone to the coma since last night but before he had visited by someone who had handed him over this folder which on the Alis instruction is being given to you with this note. Sarah hurriedly opened the envelope containing a note on the top of it. This was a small wrinkled piece of paper written hastily. It was addressed to Sarah requesting her to go through the folder. Sarah took folder and thanked the nurse standing by her. Can I see Ali? I am afraid you cant see him, he is in ICUHe is critical, maybe hes guest for couple of hours, but let me see first She entered the corridor recognizing Sarah. Within a couple of minutes she came back and ushered her to Alis bed. Sarah looked on Ali. He was pale but his pinky cheeks glowing like a newly born child, small and withers under a cover of a blanket. He was breathing quietly.

Sarah sat near to his bed pulling a chair and kept on watching him for a couple of minutes. She was feeling sympathy about him. She opened the folder and looked on the papers. Those were kept in order page to page. Some of them were typed written, a few hand written and mostly computerized written pages. Sarah looked at the first page. It was somehow tend to be preface of the story. She started reading first page and then a few more papers from the inside of the papers. More she was reading more her face was straightening up. Suddenly she jumped in the seat. The

nurse standing by him become little scared by her action but still remained quiet. She gathered the papers and swiftly thanked to the nurse, patted on the hand of Ali who was still asleep and left the hospital. She was rushing to her office, where Nauman was waiting for her. On her way back to office Sarah was thinking. This could be a book of true story and can surely be published in their journal. Oh my God. This man has a courage to write this all. This could be breaking records of best sellers on the counters. It belongs to all of us, our society and our misdeeds. Ali.I promise you. You would be published as you wished. I would not let you be more disappointed I promise you Sarah uttered to herself in her thoughts and reached her office.

________

PART II My emergence

To know is powerlets then be wise,

And use our brains with every good intent, That at the end we come with tired eyes And give to nature more than what she lent. Cheiro

I dont feel my arrival took my parents to think a lot. It was, may be in the year 1951, when they decided to have another baby, and might they have never thought of it? But it seems me that because of my elder brother, the only son they had so far, who was born in 1947 , a couple of months earlier of the partition after getting their marriage in 1940. They were gifted after long seven years as a result of having long sessions with the spirituals celebrities besides consulting doctors and Hakims etc. Even my mother says that she had spent a chilla at the Ziarat of Peer sahib a renowned religious personality buried just adjacent to small town a place 15 km away from the Mumbai (Old Bombay) India perhaps where they were enjoying their lovely life with all the liberties at a long distance from their parents at Lahore. They might have thought that they should have another child, at least to accompany my elder brother, who always said to be praying for me to come. My grandfather was a Reader to a well known lawyer in Lahore. He lived in Taksaali gate just adjacent to the Bazaar-e-Hussan commonly known as Heera Mandi or Shahi Mohallah. He had owned a big mosque with a line of shops at roadside and over the shops a living mansion named as Nazir Manzil on my fathers name. As being elder in the family in male domain family, the house was named in his fate. My grandmother had died at a very young age after delivering three sons and four daughters. My mother says that my father was around eleven when his mother died. Thats perhaps the reason, my father has lost all his affection and love derived from the motherhood normally a child adds to his personality. I remember once I was a child in early teenage my father took me to see his friends to Lahore. He met his friends in Shahi Mohallah and others who used to be his school and college mates. He was an average student in Islamia High School near Data Durbar and Islamia College Sheraan Walla Bagh. At the same trip he has shown me that school and college as well, but I think he had no idea at that time that Ill keep these places in my mind to recall it one day to honor a reason through this book. At that time though I was not enough mature to absorb the motive why my father is telling me all, but now I realize that the guy has seen a lot of potential in his child so as to keep it in his mind all those places and friends. A person he introduced me as his friend Sharif a tailor who was his fast friend in his school, and they used to have love affairs with the girl who was not yet allowed to perform in the Shahi Mohallah Bathak.

My father had an excellent sense of humour and while I enjoyed my drink sitting behind a desk with a sewing machine on its top, I noticed him to enjoy dedicatory events about their common love affair. That I remember with great enthusiasm and it was the first and the last chance with my father to see his friends. At that time my father did not have any job just because he had withdrawn him from the services he was rendering to the local electricity department in transmission of new lines wherever they intended to lay it in far-flung area of the country. I presume in those days a new era was emerging with great deal of latest technology and he did not know it perhaps to the best of his ability and decided to quit. Yet another reason that might have persuaded him to leave his job was his health. Hes been a chain smoker for years and years and developed asthma problem. Doctors advice persuaded him to settle in some hill station, where he could make him more comfortable as number of chest diseases sanatorium were in existence in Quetta founded by the British Army. The city was known as hill station in those days where people of the surrounding provinces used to come to spend their holidays. My mother tells us that once he was posted here in late fifties, then he had decided to come back to Quetta whenever he gets chance to settle here, and surely he did what he had decided earlier. Anyway at his first posting my mother had become pregnant and just before her delivery she decided to go to the city where her mother was living. That city was known as most congested and dirty city in those days, But I admire it one of the beautiful place on earth as being my birth place and secondly it gave me strength and confidence to speak truth. My mother says that at the time of her marriage she was only thirteen and father was around 25 a well built man having all the habits which a person may acquire at this age while living just near to Shahi Mohallah. My mother belonged to Jalandhar a city of Eastern Punjab now falls in India. She was a daughter of a Zamindar and they used to look after almost whole of the Katree named as Mughlaan de Katree. Both were in fact enjoying holidays at Jalandhar at the time of partition as my father had had left his home after having agreed to disagree in long and ruthless debate with his father on the issues of his commitments in life. So my father left home immediately after his marriage and remained wandering throughout India with his wife till their first child took birth in mid of 1947. He never knew that this sort of partition is going to take place. Both were having fun when suddenly one night many of the non-Muslims, majority of those were Sikhs, raided their Havaili. My maternal grandfather had died a couple of years ago but still his influence and respect existed in the area, so many of the raiders did not come to my mothers home but they burnt many of the houses in the neighbourhood and gave torment threats to the family to leave the place as soon as possible. My grandmother, despite a widow, was like a queen in the area, she although gave strong reply to the people who had threatened her. She understood the threats yet took it strongly on her face. After having a meeting with some elders of the area they decided to leave the place as they

dont want to fight those people to whom they have been helping and feeding in the past. My father altogether was against the idea and decided to remain there and fight with those miscreants who just wanted to loot my grandmothers Havaili, but it was my mother who had a very kind heart for these people and despite of the fact that they were threatening to their lives, she wanted to remain peaceful and need to get some settlement on the basis of her fathers respect. She had never known that their days have been numbered to live in this country and they are bound to leave the place. She says that after having some sort of negotiations with the representatives of the raiders, a number of people came from the family of Late Ziaul Haq former President of Pakistan who were used to live just near to their area and as being Muslim they had offered a call to join and leave the station for Pakistan through those specials trains which are meant for the Muhajirs to take them to Pakistan. My father as being the eldest one in the family once refused to be part of the envoy but later on my mothers hectic persuasion he decided to leave the area. So on the next day they hurriedly left the house leaving all the belongings with this assertion that theyll come back very soon and start their lives again as it was running in past. I think that decision had not any farsightedness and the day never came back. My mother says the moment they decided to exile from the place, all those, who were anticipating the head of the Katree to leave, they had planned to ransack the area and particularly my grandfathers Havaili. They might be thinking that they will get a lot of jewellery and money. Since my grandmother had decided to come back so they put all the personal belongings to one place even she asked my mother to unfasten all jewellery, she was wearing at that time and packed it in one box and kept in lockers of the safe house of the Havaili with this intention that theyll come back and get it again. Alas it could have happenedmy grandmother left her home, her childhood, her remembrance, her forefathers graveyard and their souls, her promised motherland, her beloved city and the country to which they belonged to. And what she did get in return, her parched soul with sprinkled family, unsecured and indifferent society and a room with common bath in the corridor of a house blessed by her friend in a city they had not thought of it and she, rest of her life, remained there with all her fateful misery without her children who got some space in the Lahore and other area and started their poorly lived life for the rest of their life. Thats what independence gave to her?

Independence a sign of sacrifice personally & emotionally by a part of society has led us to where? Did we ever think of it? Independence a moment to believe, free at will, freedom to speak, move and a sensational attitude with security, love and friendliness to others, to the economically viable society which you make and own it and freedom to perform even religion. Could we do that?

In the name of religion we sought independence which is somehow claimed by a faction. We pleaded independence for the sake of freedom of performance of rituals. Did it exist? We always expressed two nations theory, fine we did it. Now we are one nation. Do we think its a nation? No one can dare to enjoy this independence except an elite class who rules it. A class full of hypocrisy and corruption holding the charge of this nation with nonenforcement of law, ethnic and sectarian division devised to preach the so-called theory. It has done enough to us. I am extremely sorry my readers I never knew to have an encounter with all of you like that but still I need to express my emotions on this issue. The cultural change which we wanted to achieve has been ruined in our new motherland. Is it the same country we wished? What we have seen and witnessed on the globe for the last more than half century as a result of this independence? Three wars..Disputed issues on territory .Poverty, abuse to basic human rights and injustice for common man I dont blame the founder leaders for this because they were just did best under the circumstances and to their judgment but in my humble opinion it was a conspiracy set by the global market economists. What would have happened? If there were some other person instead of Muhammad Ali Jinnah, Surely he would have played the same role as did by Mr. Jinnah with his co-political leaders in Muslim League who were innocently fighting for the independence. India got the independence under the leadership of Congress and we were separated from them under the leadership of Muslim League and kept afterwards under more worsened circumstances than in the British Raj. I do not blame even poor Muslims who were trying to seek their rights under this leadership to live in the new homeland which they thought would be governed with peace, harmony and rule of law. What a great scholar and poet Ghalib saidhomeland, houses, sweets etc were never been the Hindus or Muslimsits the philosophy which make people Hindu or Muslims. I really appreciate him who had such a visionary believes that encompasses literatures attitude witnessed in the 21st century in its true spirit as well... At that time they never thought of workable cultural bifurcation in this particular area. It did not work even in those areas which synonymous to be Christians and Muslims in the rest part of world. You may take the example of Sarajevo/Serbia and Bosnia in Europe .Even after sacrifice of hundreds of thousands Muslims slaughter, would they be able to separate them culturally? Yes, geographically they made it but not in their customs and culture. The life is ongoing and generations have to come to fill the gap but with the same enthusiasm and courage of heritage. What remains in existence forever is humanity and human itself. You may crush the human in the name of religion or anything yet the humanity remains there to breathe its last breath and become more strengthen than ever. You may slaughter millions of human beings but you never been able to curb the traditions of the society which emerges

afterwards., because its natures principle, which always remains the same whether its implemented on Muslims or Christianity or Hinduism or someone else. Although neither its a subject of this book nor I intend to open a debate on it, but for the sake of the civil society I must disapprove those who have taken wrong decisions after partition and led the community to end up against their own desires and wishes. Look at the present scenario and make your own judgment in the light of the movements being applied by the international regimes to ratify the decisions they already taken towards restoration of so called peace on the globe. I have a great instinct to love humanity and cultural heritage and thats why I am trying to communicate my feelings to the readers to make their own verdict. What happened to millions of people in this subcontinent in the name of religion and independence? My readers may have their own view point and they can disagree with my assertion but what I am trying to establish that this partition has taken millions of people to live against their will and morals and above all their rich cultural heritage despite sacrifice of their lives and properties. Number of civilized societies vanished in the past just because of leaderships feeble ability to understand the process of historic cycle. They were forcing unnatural phenomena against the will of millions people upon whom they were ruling. Great thinker Plato reasoned that intellect was far superior to the emotionswith great respect to him I would like to make a little addition to this philosophy that intellect does not work alone unless its supported by an obsession. Life does not exist in human being without a complete dissection influenced by the heartI mean life a breathing liveliness. Only simple existence gifted by the God to the nature may not have the same dynamics. Romanticism has its own force against the realism and its overindulgence does not negate the other, but sustain the real values of the societies. Yet to make it balance by virtue of historical images, its the prime duty of the leadership which we failed awfully in our case. I believe my childhood fell in the era where people do love each others and society was under a process of rebuilding in its characteristics overcoming a great shock of professed independence. Millions of human being had been slaughtered across the borders owing to self determination. In the name of religion they were subjugated and forced to re-settle their lives and properties so that their worsened economy may continue for further hundreds of years. A conspiracy theory was set on board by the international traders with political and economic ambitions and the people of the sub-continent were put into experiment in the name of religion and independence. So I didnt feel that we were not having enough living even afterwards. My mother used to remain all the time busy, some time outside and always at home working all alone. I dont remember much of my early days , but sure I remember that I had an instinct of curiosity, all the time about asking new questions arising in my mind but watching my mother busy I hadnt had the courage to ask her. Since father was all the way had an impression that he couldnt be taken into question session. So I started to make my relationships outside home and spent much of my time with my friends, and thats the reason perhaps in the back of my mind to keep my friendship with people older than me. I surely learnt a lot from them.

I dont know why my mother used to give me always a very special persons treatment. I heard her saying that she had seen a symbol of triumph on my forehead, a mighty and magnificent sign of dragon.

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PART III

RISING MOON Facing the fortune Keep still, my heart, Nor ask for peace, when care may suit thee best, Nor ask for love, nor joy, nor even for rest, But he content to love, whateer betide, And may be love will bring thee to Loves side. Cheiro.

So the time came in 1968 after my hats-of. I was free to have my holidays immediate after my taking exams of 1st year. Of course I did appear but with no hopes to get through as my teacher of Chemistry Prof. Mir was a thorough gentleman and never allowed me to sit in the class. This is the college where I got admission after transfer of my family to another city and I was left alone with my maternal aunty, wife of a doctor (God bless him) who had so much hostility to me that some time I felt to leave the house, but the aunty was so gracious that I could not take any step against her will. In the college, after facing 1st year fool on the first day, I decided to take one step ahead and fought for joint secretary post which was allocated to the 1st year section. The elections were onand on the basis of my Juggat-baazi skill I instantly become popular within my class mates and then among the 1st year lot. Its the first time in history of the college that student wanted me to be nominated for General Secretary but unfortunately being in the 1st year I couldnt be nominated. Anyway I fought for JS and won with great margin and I tried to accomplish all the innocent requests of the students like to make tutorial groups, extra curriculum activities were on my sharp focus instead of studies. Dramatic club and literary society were although already working, but we put a soul in it, and the life was full of fun in those days. Watching movies were another activity for us in the nearby Cinema particularly in the matinee show where girls from the nearby college also used to come in groups. Those were the days we had forgotten everything except our college life. I remember one day I stole my cousins bike, picked up a close friend and had had a long ride. On coming back we met an accident, surely not our fault. A head-on collision with a trawler loaded full of vegetables on a nearby road to our colony. We were so busy in talking; we could not see the trawler in the centre of the road at the mid noon of a shining day of summer season. Anyway after absorbing a lot of annoyance and hard words from the trawler driver, we begged him a lot of apologies. We saw our bike, thanks God it was ok we pulled it up from the road and started it. When I sat on the driver seat I realized that we have lost foot rest paddles of both sides of the bike. I told my friend sitting behind me. I cant drive this bike hanging my foot in the air.

No problem, keep your right foot on the brake paddle without applying any pressure and for your left foot, my foot is available, you can put on it. He said laughingly. I did the same, but it was not our immediate problem. The worsened part was to get it repair before we go home; otherwise, I knew doctor uncle would kill me. I saw my pocket and it was almost dried up after enjoying two plates of channa chat on our way back to home prior to this disaster... I asked my friend do you have some money?. Sorry I dont have any was his reply, again laughingly. Ok just leave my back seat, was my reply in anger. I dropped him on the road and gave full throttle to the bike leaving him behind shouting. I had no idea where to get some money. I thought of many friends but after experience of bad friendship. I gave up the idea to borrow money from some friend; instead I preferred to go to my uncle, who had just moved to this city. I straight went there and knocked the door. A girl almost of my age appeared on the door. I didnt recognize her. Is uncle home? No she was trying to avoid talk on the doorstep. Oh. is anybody at home? Yes. She smiled. Send him. Arent you seeing me? I had almost lost my temper, but forging good mood on my face. Then would you please let me in. I said politely. No... I am alone. She posed herself serious. I cant let you in. I can convey your message to your uncle. Ah you do recognize me and still not letting me in I said angrily. Sure. I do recognize you and still cant let you in, because I am alone. Dont you trust me? I was harsh. I dont know She said quickly and tried to shut the door. I almost begged her to listen to me, but she had gone and the door was closed behind her. I was not expecting this type of reception and rudeness. I was shocked. Disastrous thoughts boiled up inside me a hurricane of emotions full of rage thundered deeply in my heart breaking all

the dams. I immediately promised with myself that I would not let this girl break my truthfulness in such a disgusting manner. She has to pay for it. I knocked the door again. She appeared staring on me like a tigress Whats now? Nothing I said in calm voice. When my uncle come home tell him, I have decided to marry you. And listen to me wisely. I continued Its my decision and I never allow someone to stop me implementing my decisions. I left the door. She was stunned Watching me strolled away grabbing my bike. And she was my wife after seven years.

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A little brief about the family of my doctor unclewho were kind enough to bear me out throughout my stay with them. The family was headed by my uncle. They were having three children Ahmar the eldest one who used to live in UK after having his MBBS and getting perhaps post graduation degree there. Another lovely like my elder brother was Jawad who had extreme resemblance with an actor named Muhammad Ali. I believe we were at blossom in those days, he considered himself Muhammad Ali and yes.me too used to pretend myself as Daleep Kumar another romantic actor of much known Indians films. Shaista another character, sister of both, who had fallen in love with Butt sahib who used to come to see her and my duty was to make them comfortable in the drawing room and to serve them tea etc, as aunty wanted to make him happy not to escape from his commitment to marry Shaista. She had an intension to make this guy her husband but uncle never liked him. I remained with this lovely family for long two years....until I get caught by the police on the allegations of political activities in college, where we spoke a lot about Mr. Bhutto who had formed his new party after leaving Ayubs Government and fetching the attention of the general public. For my exile, I realized that family could not reach to a consensus until a final decision was made by the Dr. Sahib to send me back to home.

Mr. Bhutto had a charismatic personality and we were highly influenced by him at that time as students. I remember once in the late 1968 when Mr. Bhutto decided to start his partys march through a train journey and he started it at the helm of a demonstration staged by some students at Gordon College Rawalpindi. I recall it; we at Government College decided to get a stop over by the train at Railway Station and would have his speech live. Hundreds of students of the Government College staged a movement at Railway Station. We were all gathered there and had decided to hear Mr. Bhutto despite heavy cover of police deployment around us. They were trying to make us calm and later started even threatening us.

I saw the Deputy Commissioner of the city who was a fast friend of my cousin Jawad. They normally used to meet and get together in the evening. He was himself on duty and trying to make peace at Railway Station with all his forces the moment train came to the station; the police started charging batten over the student to disperse them. In the meantime they ordered to keep moving the train on the platform and did not allow any normal passenger to step out. A student shouted among us, They are not stopping the train to allow Mr. Bhutto to address the students. Immediately slogans among the students arose to stop the train and we all decided to stop the train per force and hundreds of students started running along with the train on its side-track slippers, shouting slogans and trying to get hold on a nearby Railway Crossing-gate to close it to stop the train. We did not succeed as the engine driver accelerating the speed of the train gradually. A leader from us ordered to get hold on the next Railway Crossing which was almost a mile and half away. We all were running side by side with the train and I saw Mr. Bhutto smiling out from the window and then appeared in the door of the AC compartment and said something which I, frankly, could not hear. Although I was very near to the said compartment, but noise of the train merging with students slogans was so high that I could not hear him. After two weeks of this incident friends asked me jokingly. What Mr. Bhutto was saying while you were running with his compartment on railway track I said, he was asking me to come on in the compartment and leave the restthey are fools. Anyway at the next Railway Crossing we could not manage to catch the train as it went ahead of us due to its speed but a bunch of Police constabulary was waiting to catch us. The moment I saw the police, I eyed back to see my colleague students surprisingly I noticed I was alone running in full speed and none of my friend was behind.How stupid I was? I was so aroused by my emotions while running I could not realized that it was only me running to stop the train. Even those police officers who arrested me were smiling and gave me one or two slaps on my face to make me realize that how I could stop the train alone. The police took me to the nearby Police Station where I saw a couple of my friends already in their custody, their faces pale and seemed very nervous. I, myself, was very nervous thinking about my parents and aunty etc. They put us in the lock up..and did not ask for water even after being locked up for more than ten hours. At around midnight they started calling us one by one to make questioning. We noticed whosoever from us went out never came back..It was again a mystic for us... We were just guessing what has happened to them. Amid thoughts I was cautioned by one police constable to come outI thought he was asking someone else and saw behind me. He said, Hey you slick! I am asking you. I looked up towards my friends with pale face and almost requesting them to come with me, I did not desire to go outside alone. I never knew why I was so scared but the moment I went outside, he took me to another big room, where couple of my college mates were standing almost naked with a underwear on their waist and two were laying on

the floor absolute naked on their belliesbuttocks up and one policeman holding a lash typed leathers stick seemingly to hit them on their buttocks. The scene was so terrified that I could not stand to it and went into a great trauma. The police officer sitting nearby on a chair conducting all this show abused me loudly and said another constable to get my pant off.. The two constables caught me from my shoulders and one started to slip off my shirt and then unfastening my pants belt, it was the time I was almost about to cry. Suddenly another senior police officer came into the room and loudly pronounced my name. I said in a very lean and trembled voice, its me. He looked at me surprisingly and scanned me couple of seconds and ordered the one who was standing beside me give him back his cloths and bring him out. He is the leader; we got to need the information from him. I went outside with the officer and saw my cousin Jawad sitting with some Police Officers in plain clothes who pointed towards me. Jawad got up from his chair, shook hand with the Police Officer and with his eyes signalled me to follow him. Throughout the way back to home he did not talk with me a single word. At home even no one asked me about the incident and next day I was announced to leave the city. They have already got my train ticket and asked me to pack my belonging as I am leaving for home. While I was leaving I had very frightened deep inside me and ashamed of this embarrassment, what I did for them? I knew Jawad must have ensured my release through his friend Deputy Commissioner, but at the same time I wanted to talk with him and express my apologies on my way to railway station where I was supposed to board in home-bound train but he never gave me a chance and putting my luggage in the train and simply said goodbye. I never knew what happened to my friends, college and class mates while they were in police custody.but one thing I can well imagine that they must have taken lot of pain and humiliation in person and for their parents as well for such an ill and mal treatment they tasted in the police custody only just because of their seeking freedom to listen to a charismatic political personality, their favourite leader who was trying to bring youth wishes to come true through a revolution. Yes, we were always calling it a peaceful revolution. At that time we never knew the meaning of revolution, but we wanted to rehabilitate the culture we belonged to. Some of my friends said afterwards, were it not a defeat in the political action taken by those students in the late 1968 by the Government College Students? Has all the sacrifice gone futile? NoIt was never a defeat and I never took it as devastating. It was beginning of an end of an era which was leading us even to a worst direction. I suppose it was the first drop of the rain indeed which afterwards showered the whole country I remember it, until the Martial Law imposed in March 1969 by the General Yahya Khan. It was again a misfortune for the nation. I salute and pay absolute respect to all my friends and college / class mates who had taken this decision to start agitation against the Ayub Government in late 1968 from the Government

College, but the poor guys never knew, its the country which has been abducted for fascism in the name of the democracy. A dictator goes out and another checks-in and mercy is never granted to the poor and hungry people who have grown up more than 40 million below the poverty line in our country as per recent global report. They do not have enough food to live for even. Most of them are living far below the line of poverty. God bless them, so the fight was on. I do believe in an ingenuous society which can only be emerged with rich cultural heritage on its back and honest political leadership. We, I mean our generation; have not contributed much in this direction. The leadership we provided was neither sincere nor they have the enthusiastic approach towards their goals. They simply claim they have come to save the nation and ideological boundaries of the country. They just started with the strict law enforcement plans and give a fascinated manifesto to convert the nation into an honourable society. But I believe in most of the cases; even they didnt have any goals except to save their vested interest which had been put on stake by the predecessor regimes. Since the gap was enough widen and a number of adventurists through their capitalist friends, though they call it democratic process, came forward to fill the gap to rule this beautiful piece of land with the mighty sword. In the united India after the fall of Moghals, the English Establishment as being already strong rulers in the area, energized further in the sub-continent. And at the same time the muscular fighting forces of India under the traditional command of Moghals and local Indian Rajas were facing a crack in their pyramids. So when English rule came into complete success in the India particularly after 1857 AD, the Muslims had lost their essential strength and spirit to run the kingdom. It was the only reason why Sir Syed Ahmad Khan took the plea to increase the intellect and wisdom of the Muslims and to improve the interaction with the English rulers in comparison of Hindu, so that Muslims interest on the political and socio-economic scenario could be protected and flourished. Sir Syed and other Muslim intellectuals wanted to ensure continuity of the English rule enabling them to keep Muslim population protected from the majority of Hindu in the subcontinent. We can well imagine that Sir Syed and his followers knew its aftermath which they said in the opening session before the audience in the meeting of Mohammedan Political Organization. Particularly on December 1906 when Waqar-ul-Mulik once addressing a meeting of some eminent Muslims said Our population in comparison of others communities in India are extremely meager, if the English rule could not be continued, we have to face the consequences under the Hindu rule and our lives, property, dignity and religion would be in danger and left unprotected. In order to ensure generosity & safeguard under the umbrella of English kingdom, Muslim elite-class and feudal associated their interest with the English Rulers henceforth. Here it would have been a very thin line in understanding of the Muslims leadership to associate them with the English rulers on the one side and in the intermediately period they should have transported themselves at par with the other communities on political and social scenario through intensive education and learning of English language which actually Sir Syed wanted in real sense.. But unfortunately it did not happen, and instead, their absolute support for the material benefits, opposed every movement against the English rule in the India. It was the only reason that Sir Syed Ahmad Khan later criticized institution of All India Congress and its activities in the sub-continent.

Nevertheless it was ultimate aspire of the English rule that Muslim and Hindu should not have any unity. Hence they kept on favouring Muslims to their view point under the shadow of Muslim theocrats and encouraged Hindu on the political scene simultaneously.

In this background the ruling class in the Muslims after independence convinced themselves to abrogate the democracy which they ever had in their minds earlier. They had formed a firm opinion that minority could not be saved under hedge of majority (crores of un-educated and rural population of Muslims) of the country. Hence the rule of law was abrogated. It was the sole reason that after Pakistan came into existence, the parity rule was introduced in the beginning to eliminate the threat of Bengalis majority. The rulers adopted a strategy to put fear in the minds of the people that the country is in danger and only strong-handed ruler can save it from the enemies from cross borders in general and fear of Hindu evasion in particular. The historical back ground of the strong rulers was put forward before the country. It was only reason that in 1965 war it was said Had there been Fatima Jinnah in the chair the war would have been disastrous for the country. Whereas no one thought that Had there been Fatima Jinnah in the chair, the war would have not been occurred at all.

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RISING MOON First night Phir chahta hoon namaa-e dildar kholna Jan nazar-e dilfrabi-ey unwan kiey howey. Ghalib.

It was the beautiful spring morning of March, 1970 with fervent chill in the air spreading out rosy fragrance in the oval city surrounded by mountains. Last nights heavy rain had shined the trees and bushes. Sun was getting higher with all its respect and dignity. I was looking into the kitchen to have a light breakfast. So didnt find mama whos already left the house to take her teaching class to the neighbors children, which she used to take every morning for at least half an hour. Never mind I thought, and looked into another room where my brothers and sister were still sleeping. I went back to the kitchen to make my breakfast myself. I heard some sound of hushed steps coming near to me. I turned back and saw Zainab; a girl in her mid teens entered into kitchen and offered me her help to make the tea. Ali Can I help you? Khala asked me to look after you when you have taken bath. She said coming near to me. Oh, sure Zainab, I praised her with a smile and in my thoughts said Yes my pretty girl. I was delighted to see her, a beautiful round face, long black hair, and big eyes always wanted someone to drown into it. Zainab was an attractive girl. I noticed most of the time she wanted to get a chance to come closer to me and do something for me, just to please me doing petty work like making tea, offering a glass of water and to say Goodbye, whenever I leave home. She most of the times remained at our home with mama, helping her in her routine housekeeping matters. My Mother liked her very much because of her innocent talking manner and helping attitude. I am talking of those days when mother decided to marry my elder brother Farid who was young man of 24 years and my mother, being orthodox and family woman, wanted to bring for her a daughter-in-law as housewife. My father had given approval, so she was hunting for a beautiful lady for her son and finally selected one in the neighborhood and fixed a date for marriage. Hence the songs were on. Pretty traditional marriages were the themes of the day. The most amazing part was that Zainab was quite happy and participating in such a way that it looked perhaps she was getting married. All the family was joyful and busy with the preparations of welcoming first ever marriage in the family after perhaps long time. I guessed after marriage of my parents, it took 30 years to see such cheerfulness again in the family.

One day I came little late and reached home at about 11 at night. I was having goodtime with my new friends in the vicinity. The house was locked and from the neighbors door a face appeared. It was Zainab. Hi, I looked puzzled. She smiled as usual and welcomed me telling that whole of my family have gone to a party and will come late so she had the key of the house given by my mother. Should I open it? She asked. Thanks. I smiled back, and picked the keys myself and opened the door. Where is your mother I asked her. She laughed quite mystically and said She has too gone with them. Then why didnt you accompany them. I asked. No . I wanted to stay and wait for you. Oh...great, please give me way to let me in. I could not understand what suddenly happened to her and she fell on me like a tree chopped on the road after facing heavy wind. I put a hand on her shoulders and tried to pull her back escaping myself falling on the corridors floor. Are you ok, I was frowned. She nodded and tried to stand on her feet trembling. She was almost embracing me. I took her hand into mine and walked into our common room and offered her a chair. What exactly happened to you? I softly asked. I saw tears in her eyes falling on her pink cheeks. Didnt you ever understand me, She sobbed and pulled my hand into hers and kissed my hand. I want you Ali; I wish I could live with you. I would give you my life and my love. I am thirsty please hold me on. I am a simple girl but I know how to live with educated person and I love aunty too. Ill take care of her whole of my life. Those were the promises I have ever heard in my life. A beautiful young girl offering her love with all future promises. Id no idea about it, how to re-act these emotions. I was almost stunned not because of her action and words; rather Id gone in my thoughts. Id watched enormous movies with love scenes, but I had never experienced such a situation. Id lost my breath. My heart was pounding with strange force. I never knew that how did I dare. I pulled her towards me and embraced her with all the force in my arms and gently touched her lips with my forefinger and let drown her fantasies in the ocean of realities. It was the leading incident, after I got caught by the police in late 1968, and was the most breathtaking experience I had.

Look at me Zainab, I gently picked up her hand into mine and made her to sit in the nearby chair. I too sat beside her on the arm of her chair. I am a student and dont have much to spend for my own necessities. I said in calm voice. Do you wish me to remain poor as many people around I whispered in her ear. No, no, not all. My father has much money and hell never ask you to pay a big amount for me. She replied.

She was in fact daughter of a local Pathan family belonging to some area 100 km away from the city. In their traditions bridegroom pays a Vulvor to the father of bride to get marry his daughter if otherwise they agreed to. Let me do my studies complete first and then well consider it, it was my answer. She looked at me with tearful eyes full of many questions. I dont know how long we sat there. She was putting her head on my lap with face up to me and I could not stop kissing her hand again and again until door knocked off with noises. All the party has come back. Before she left I took her hand into mine and kissed it and pulled her to me and hugged her to say goodbye. This was the first and the last meeting we had independently. Afterwards we didnt get privacy at all, so the days went on till my graduation. I decided to proceed to the Europe to seek my destiny. The time I spent with the Zainab in the intervening, I could never forget. She was so sacrificing soul. She looked after me in each and every moment besides my family and mother. Some time I felt so lucky myself finding such a wonderful girl and unfortunate at the same time losing her for my own wishful future.

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RISING MOON Second night What we know as life is but existence, A waiting place, a haven by the sea, A little space amid immeasured distance, A glimpse, a vista, of that life to be. Cheiro.

Discipline and attention to the sand slippers through hourglass was the theme of the journey, more youll find, more you were able to accomplish. I never knew itll happen one day so easily. I was sitting in one of nearby caf named Caf Ghum Ghalat. It was the place where all our friends used to have fun, listening music and singing songs. It was a sort of chat room commonly known now-e-days on internet yet it was physical and live. It was run by Hussein, a kind person who never asked us about our bills unless we clear it at own convenience after so many days. One day among gossips and lot of noise in the caf, a common friend of us entered and headed towards us. We greeted him with great excitement as we had heard he had been out of country since last two years. We wanted to hear a lot from him about his journey. He had an excellent outfit, smoking foreign cigarettes with shining face. A mark of triumph in his eyes was appearing while he was talking. We were so impressed by him that the moment he left the caf, we started making plan to see the Europe and to find our destiny and future. I never thought the amazing qualities of my friend Khan, who had planned our journey in such a flawless manner that within a month or so, we were ready to leave the country.

One day when I saw mother was in her good mood, I floated the idea to go to Europe. Are you kidding me, said mama. She had never thought of it. No.mother, I am not joking, its a serious move, and we were leaving. I softly told her. I recall she had tears in her eyes. Look son, I wanted you to be with me. Ive planned much about you after you finish your studies Mother said in pretty well advising tone. She didnt express her distress in front of me. I suddenly embraced her with all dams broke-out in my eyes and flown on my cheeks. I didnt want her hurt, but it was my obsession. Mom, if you allow me I wont think it would hardly take much time to stay there. Its just a roving tour. I lied in firm voice.

You know you are the only one I need permission to take from, and still need your assistance to tell father as well..I begged mama. Ok, ok you flattery boy. Ill take care of your father, said mama smilingly. O, my great mama, I love you I exclaimed with joy. One thing more mother, I need a little financial support from you as well. You know after all I am going to meet my destiny, which I wont be able to catch it without money. I begged her with my smiling face. She got up and went inside her room, and came back in couple of minutes holding her pouch in her fist. She caught my hand and delivered me some bills in different denomination. I remember those were a few hundreds. This is the only saving I have so far, my son. Will it work? She said in misery. I understood her position. Had she been able to give me more? She would have done it without my pleading. Yes mother, its enough. Ill manage it I was excited.

Next week the day came up when my friend Khan and I was sitting in a bus, leaving for Chaman a small town of Pakistan at Afghanistan border, full with passengers and luggage. Our seats were in second row. It was almost six in the morning. I remember it was first of Ramadan. We were at fasting and were happy to carry the holy month all along. We left the terminal waving our hands and saying good-bye to couple of friends came to see-off us. It was like a dream comes true. We both were chatting like birds boogie on a branch of a high-rise tree feeling free of all fears.

We took the route through first in Afghanistan, then Iran and marched to Turkey. We stayed couple of days in Afghanistans first city Qandahar. Then took bus for Herat a historical city of Afghanistan located on the Iranian border. After completion of immigration at border, we took another bus for the nearest city of Iran called Mashhad, again a very renowned historical city because of the holy shrine of Hazrat Imam Reza. When we reached in Iran, it was those days when Iranian King Reza Shah Pahlavi was at his peak. People talked about him that he was real emperor of a great nation. They spoke high about his personality, his family and above all what hes done to restore their ancient and historic cultural heritage in the country and its extensive image on the globe. As being students, we witnessed a great time for this grand nation at that time. We were boarding on a bus from Mashhad to Tehran, when a large number of students male and female boarded on the same bus. It was an excellent vehicle and we were so excited to have nice journey ride on this machine.

A young boy almost of my age, among those boarded on bus, was looking for a seat. I offered my seat with a smile shifting myself to window seat. He immediately acknowledged my generous gesture with smile and started talking with me. We introduced ourselves and when he came to know that we are coming from Pakistan. I noticed a slight reflection of disliking on his face, but I ignored it and kept on talking with him. Within an hour or so he was fast friend of mine and then he said I am sorry I made a wrong guess about you. He had not although come across any Pakistani directly yet had heard much about Pakistanis and had not formed good opinion. I asked why hed such detestation feelings about Pakistanis, for which he had no answer. It was my first vital experience about our own nation outside Pakistan, which we unfortunately and desperately bumped into, and more rottenly witnessed in each country we visited afterwards. I remember once we were in Athens, we went into a public bath room to have a shower; we were made to stop by a written version outside the bathroom Dogs and Indians not allowed. It was so disgusting I could not stand to it, and rest of our time, we spent in Europe we never used public bath rooms. I recall at that time majority of European people did not know the Pakistans name. They used to call us Indians. On our clarification, some normally say Oh you from the country which has been split into Bangla Desh recently. Mr. Bhutto. Yes we know him. Hes a great leader. And we inside our lips could have not resisted our smile and sense of elevation by hearing such type of remarks about our favourite leader.

Nevertheless in Tehran, we experienced a great deal of Persian people. They were good in their habits, eat much, laugh much more and speak less. One thing we noticed they normally tried to speak about their nation; it was about their development and achievements so far accomplished under the leadership of Shah Iran and on their ancient heritage and culture. I personally found them very proud at their race even.

We stayed in Tehran for about a weeks time and then left for Erzurum, a border city of Turkey through Iranian border point Bazergan. A huge Immigration building had been erected and shared commonly by both the countries almost on the peak of a mountain which naturally divides Iran and Turkey geographically. We reached on the Bazergan border at about early evening The weather was almost gusty and chilled. It was freezing our hands and faces. The temperature was much below the freezing point. Our bus driver announced a break of two hours for immigration and dinner and asked us to get our immigration first and after taking meal etc cross to the other side of the building where he

would be waiting for us. We entered into the building and were amazed to see marvelous arrangements both the nations made for the tourists. Immigration staff posted was so polite and generous. They welcomed us and within half an hour we were made cleared by immigration and customs authorities. Then we had our meal and a little gossip on the first ever westernized system witnessed by us in this building. We realized how these nations were working together to promote their tourism industries. A co-passenger of mine showed me a display board where the days so far tourists figure was appearing who has been commonly facilitated by both countries. It was over a thousand numbers. They told us this trans-border immigration office never closes, it works day and night. I guess they must have been handling around 2000 tourists per day. A real great arrangement of two nations working together on a common and bilateral cause and interest must be leading them to the height of relationship for the betterment of their economy and people.

I suddenly felt a cracked heart pounding inside me I looked on my side, my country and its leadership. My poor people, the victim of leaderships sins were shouting and crying. They were running after one and other to beat their thirst. They were languishing to beat their hunger and to get a speck of medication to save their dying kids. They are suffering for their liberties and steadily losing their confidence to their own existence, religion and its ethics and above all to their geographical boundaries imposed upon them in the name of independence. Do we have an answer to it? Is this our beloved country.our motherland where we are being abused by theocrats and politicians with the strength of tribalism and feudalism? Did we wish for this? After sacrifice of millions humans life for the sake of independence, the rulers have brought us to this stage where neither human dignity nor any equality exist at all. I firmly believe in existentialism19th Century Philosophy which means the man is free, responsible for his own action and makes his own destiny.

I think the people of this sub-continent were actually struggling against the lifes contradictions which they were forced to face in the English rule. Albert Camus a French theorist and intellectual, a victim of an accusation termed him as an intellectual and was set on treason on the same myth and even lasted his longstanding friendship with Jean-Paul Sartre who has been a great advocate to the human individuality. He recognizes it as a tangible reality. In contrast, human society is more of an artificial structure. It means that liberation of a single soul is more of an obligation than a collective conscience of a society.

What I am trying to surface the reality for the sanctity of human life to avoid the sordid business of politics. Innocent and guiltless masses have to be managed and organized by the sincere leadership with the revolutionary vision which so far we lack. And thinking of this I held my face into my hands, my neck bowed to my knees and cried silently. I dragged myself with heavy heart without taking meal from the caf and stepped into my bus. Khan came later and asked me anything wrong with you. No I replied and relaxed into my seat beating my thoughts. I dont know when the bus took its headway to its destination. I think I fell asleep for hours and hours until I heard some announcement made by the bus management and Khan was shaking my shoulder Hey wake up We have reached in Erzurum. Its a beautiful town of south-eastern Turkey. A place you can name it a little paradise, a town surrounded by small hills with background of mighty mountains with lush green landscape and cedars covered by snow. The wooden and concrete houses made in pyramid cultural style to escape heavy snow and windy blusters. It took us pretty two hours to walk into the heart of town. We were asked to take rest for a while, as there would be no halt afterwards till we reach Istanbul. And after next days journey, we reached to the cosmopolitan city of Istanbul, a real westernized city with mixed cultural monuments. Bosphorus sea channel visibly divided Istanbul into two parts; one part on the western side of the channel is called Europe and the eastern part denotes Asia called as Haydarpasa and Sultan Ahmad respectively. We stayed in Istanbul for three days, tasted most of the Pakistani and Indian dishes which originally belonged to the Turkish recipes and had been traveled into Indo-Pak with Turkish invaders in the early days which afterwards absorbed in our own culture as being ours. I forgot the name of a wine we tasted there which was in milky color and more you pour water in it more it becomes milky and excellent in taste coupled with shish kebabs and fresh caught fried fish on charcoal oven just near the Bosphorus Bridge (under construction in those days) over sea channel connecting the both parts of Istanbul. The first thing we did on the day, we reached in Istanbul, to get our reservation for onward journey in a renowned train named as Orient Express. But to our great dismal, it was packed for next entire week. Anyway we managed to get two seats in upper class after two more days of our schedule plan. I have heard now this train has been closed. I dont know why this train has been closed, but one thing I can share with you that a great sense of romanticism which we enjoyed from this train has a remarkable character on my mind. Our destination was still unknown; we intended to travel until train stops it or we are refused an entry by any country itself. So we decided to buy tickets from country to country basis to keep us saved from the extra-expenses. But we had our first reservation for the last station perhaps

for Munich. Train was supposed to leave at six in the evening from the Railway Station and our first proposed destination was Athens. We reached on the huge Railway Station of Sultan Ahmad; it was familiar with Lahore Railway Station, but the train was unlike Pakistani train. It seems like an army train at the first look, but its interior was extremely comfortable. We were ushered by a railway official to our compartment and showed our seats. It was six seats compartment. I got the window seat and Khan sat beside me. Three passengers were already in. A European couple just opposite to us, the man was looked tall and thin of about 25 years of age with brown beard on his face wearing blue jeans and black jacket with very casual look. The girl with blond hair sitting beside him was must be of six years younger to him, medium height, round innocent face with big eyes and sharp nose wearing fainted blue jean and a long purple colored pullover with a scarf on her neck to escape cold. She seemed intelligent and was reading some paperback best seller. Another young guy of our age, appeared to be an Arabic or gulf national, sat drowned in his thoughts on our settee. We sighed and settled our bags. I looked at Khan with smile. Wowat last we made it. Was not it our wish to travel by Orient Express? Definitely speaking when we had seen a movie named Orient Express in one of our cinema, I had a wish to see this train someday and the dream had come true. We were tremendously excited and talking too much. Suddenly I realized that all the other three persons were sitting quiet and from the moment we have entered in this compartment they have not uttered a single word. Khan did you notice this I whispered to him as being compelled by the silence in the compartment. They think you are alone sufficient to speak, thats why they are silent Khan taunted me. Oh I see I said laughingly. Ok then let me introduced with them, do you like to introduce yourself or allow me to do this job? I smiled and looked on the couple facing to me. I didnt wait to get answer from Khan and dragged my hand in handshake posture to the guy sitting just opposite me My name is Ali I am from Pakistan. He gazed at me surprisingly, took my hand into him unwillingly and just said. Nice to meet you, my name is john and before I held my hand to the girl sitting beside him, he said quickly And she is my wife Janie, I am a priest and we are English just on pleasure trip to Istanbul. I withdrew my hand saying nice meeting you both and blinked smilingly to another Arabic guy. He responded anyway with the smile and then we kept silent.

Khan looked at me smiling enjoyed the situation. He also threw a smile to both of them and never bothered to get introduced and again irritating pin drop silence had arisen in the compartment. I dont know why I said to Khan in Urdu She doesnt seem me his wife the guy is lying in my opinion. Stop thinking about them, even if hes a pretenderKhan said in low voice So what? Ok, ok never mind and dont be angry. Lets think about dinner I said in a calm voice. Yes I think me too feeling hungry Khan was trying to divert from the subject and place. Shouldnt we go to the dining car? A marvelous idea, I said excitedly. Lets move. We stood up and before we left, I just formally invited the couple and the Arabic guy to join us in dinner. All of them thanked us with smile and we left the compartment. We chose a table in a corner of the dining hall and I lit a cigarette. Khan was looking at the menu and in the meantime I looked around. Listen Ali it seems me too expensive! Khan was little concerned. No problem just ask for two glass of water if its free, while I look around and try to fill my tummy through my eyes I replied frustratingly. In fact before we started up our trip, wed made a decision that hell be the financial manager throughout the journey and so he took all the liberties and had become a great miser. Most of the time he tried to avoid meal or eat something very cheap to control the budget. My viewpoint was that we would not be extravagant but at least we need to live. Ok, fine, get one dish and well eat together was his answer. While we were having our meal, I saw our companion couple entered into the dining car and they were looking for a table. The dining car was jam packed until now. They looked at us and I waved my hand to invite them on our table which they accepted pleasingly. Now the friendship was on its way. While they ordered their dinner, Khan started calculating the amount of bill hes going to bear additionally. I blinked him with a classic smile, and he was out of his temper, but couldnt do anything, just showed his annoyance silently twisting his mouth, which only I knew what it meant. During dinner we got more precise introduction and on my offer for a cigarette, john refused as non smoker and Janie took one from my pack and lit it. Its nice in taste is it Pakistani too? She asked. No I said with a smile. Its Pakistan made.

Oh I see she laughed on my answer. By that time all of us had finished our meal and the waiter was lifting the empty plates from the table. Do you like tea or something else I asked Janie. Khan looked at me with horrible face keeping in mind the extra bill. Yes, sure if you like to accompany us, she replied excitedly. Without looking on Khan I signalled the waiter and ordered him for two cups as both the gentlemen refused to accept my offer instantly. A moment later, John begged his leave, said a word to Janie which we could not understand, shook hand with us and left the dining car. In the meantime Khan too stood up and asked me, Would you coming back to the compartment soon? I think its too early to go to bed, and when eventually you dont have a bed then need not to sleep I said smilingly. And dont worry John will not eat you in my absence, I am sure, hes a priest, and her respected husband. I intentionally replied in English so that she could understand my answer. She looks puzzled on my answer and little critical expression appeared on her face. I feel you have mistaken, he is not my husband, she said firmly. But Janie he introduced you in your presence as his wife. I stared at her. She shrugged her shoulders, took little pause and then spoke leaning back in a low voice I am not his wife. We had just met on the Bosphorus Bridge and become friends. We had a problem here, you Asian people used to ask us relationship without having much interaction and to avoid any complication; he normally says I am his wife. I looked at her surprisingly and at the same time gazed at Khan, who instantly interrupted us. Ok, Ali, me going back, you both talk and have a nice time. He had taken an asylum to leave us alone. I suddenly felt meaningful feelings around us, which I broke at once by asking Khan Hey Khanbefore you leave pay the bill at the counter. We looked each other and laughed together. I and Janie took a couple of seconds to relax leaning back on our chairs. Well Janie, do you feel something more to have. I asked. She reluctantly refused. No ... thanks, I dont feel it Come on, Janie, just forget it I tried to make her mentally composed, and then we sat together for hours on the same table, ordered drinks for both of us and talked too much. I showed her some games from the match sticks by arranging it on the table just to amuse her, Let me show you, how a love can be successful. I said to her.

She looked interestingly and once it is completed she laughed aloud for couple of minutes. Its very appealing she replied in her laugh. How did you do it?

Oh, no problem, you can do it by yourself. I managed the sticks again on the table to let her do. She did it twice but failed. Can you do it again for me? Sure, I said, but put a bet on it and Ill do it. She looked at me with her innocent eyes smiling and asked me to come nearer. I did my face closer to her over the table and suddenly she kissed me holding my face in her hands tightly. Please dont go away, I need you. She whispered in my ear. I suppose her emotions had overpowered her words. She kept holding my face for a while. I saw tiny stars in her eyes, then softly, she loosened her grip and I slowly withdrew back. It was first ever kiss I tasted in my life time. I felt myself caught by the magic of love and lost in my fantasies. My imagination took me on its heights watching Janie and me running on a big lush green lawn, playing hide and seek with each other and Janie suddenly disappeared from the scene and I was screaming calling her name and she never showed up. I felt some hand on my shoulder asking me to awake up. Hey, where are you, come back? It was Janie. Its not good sign to see day-dreams, she said smilingly. I looked around and with a smile took her both hands into mine. I was silent for a moment and then said. Janie, you are a wonderful girl, I like you and would never forget you.

For a moment she remained silent. It looked as she is trying to consume my answer in its perspective spirit and then suddenly spoke cheerfully in thrilled voice. Ok, you got my bet in advance, now you do this match game again for me. She blinked and we both laughed.

I was not expecting such a weird and wonderful response from her and for a moment I was engulfed by feelings that how beautifully she has changed the discussion and then laughed aloud. People from the other tables looked at us, but we did not heed to them Now I was thinking other way around and instead of doing my match sticks games. I asked her to tell me about her story. She was just a tourist came from the San-Francisco State. Her father had left her mother couple of years back and her mother had married another person whom she had not liked and she left home in mid of her graduation. She was around 20 and since last year she was travelling. In Istanbul, she stayed for month or so, found a few guys but could not make a good companion. I think she was in search of a real and sincere partner.

She proved me a pretty nice and well behaved girl during rest of the journey till we reach Athens. Id become aware of lot of questions on her face during our discussions, but she didnt ask me as she had already heard my sides story too. She knew it that we cant stroll together and we both said goodbye to each other with tears in our eyes. And once again I lost my paradise in search of my unspoken aspiration.

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RISING MOON Third night

Zara se dair ko manzar suhaney lagtey hain, Phir iss key bad yehi Qaid khaney laghtey hain.
Saleem Kouser.

Its a long story how we changed our plans just in the mid of our journey and finally decided to halt at Athens. I remember it was a chilly night of mid of the February. We preferred to drop at Piraeus, a port of Greece adjacent to Athens, like last city railway station of Karachi after which only sea comes ahead. It was two in the morning when we reached there. The station was empty and no one stepped out except us. A railway official in uniform welcomed us. We asked him for a youth hostel. He couldnt speak English, but he understood what we said. He showed us exit gate then said in Greek which somehow we could managed to understand to some extent that we should go to the city and will find a hostel. We got a trolley, put our luggage on it and walked out through exit. The roads were empty, public transport, however, was moving around. After walking of about two kilometres we saw a neon sign of a youth hostel and checked in by depositing our passport and advance rent fee. It was a nice hostel having three stories beds in its big rooms looked like army barracks halls. They called it bedrooms with attached common wash room, a big kitchen with dining hall and a common room fixed with TV and some other indoor games. We settled up our bags in lockers room and sighed on the allocated top floors of our beds looking each other with smiling face. It was almost five in the morning and whole of the hostel had awakened, it looked as shining day has arisen in the hostel. I asked a nearby roommate What time sun rises in the city? He looked puzzled on my question and said Are you new comer in the city, it rises after nine. Thanks. I replied. I asked Khan, Do you like to have a cup of tea? Sure he said in firm voice. We went downstairs to the common room and dining hall and ordered for two cup of tea. Khan looked extremely serious. What happened? I inquired.

Nothing, I was just thinking, we dont have much money to live, and if we didnt get an early job, I am afraid we cant be able to pay more hostel fee even. How much money do you have Ali? he asked. I am just out of pocket I replied. Its only two dollars left in my pocket I showed him my wallet. Oh. Then its more serious than my thinking he said. Why, dont you have money with you? We just spent it all, he replied I was just checking my wallet, after payment of hostel fee, its only sixteen dollars left with me. Then we should seriously think about it, sooner we get job better it is for us. I said. We saw on the other side of the table, a young guy looked like Pakistani was having tea quietly. I just looked on him and noticed he was watching us. The moment I saw him, he got up from his seat holding his cup of tea, came near to us and without asking dragged a chair for him and sat on it. You guys seem me Pakistani is it so? He asked. Yes, we are from Pakistan Khan replied. I am from Lahore and I work here on a ship, he told us. Now I have got a job as sailor on another ship which is leaving today and we are proceeding to Naples then to United Kingdom. Ive over-heard your discussion and if you like I can refer you to my previous ship where I was doing job, they are interested in one person for at least a weeks time. Oh, great, that would be fine Khan said to him. How much they do pay. We asked. Not much, but I think it would serve your purpose He replied. They paid me 150 drachmas per day, but they wont pay you as much. They are misers. Its no problem Khan. I said. It was almost four dollars per day. We immediately decided that Khan would stay in the Piraeus and find some other job at a place where we could be accommodated together. By that time I would continue this job to live with. I asked the complete address of the place where ship was anchored and the guy told me the address with the advice that I must catch this job today otherwise they will hire some other person. I thanked him for taking care of us and looked up at my watch. It was six thirty in the morning and I have to catch it by seven. I rushed to the bus stop as per his advice asking Khan to see him in the evening right here. In Athens and surrounding areas the factories and job starts at seven in the morning and they didnt spare late comers even for minutes. At seven I was on the deck of the ship asking for the

deck in charge. Someone pointed towards a person standing in the corner of the deck. I went there and introduced myself, gave him reference of our friend from Lahore. Ok, who will do the job? He asked me. It was silly question. Surely its me I replied. He stared at my slim physique, tired face, smiled and said. Ill give you 115 drachmas per day. Do you agree? Yes. I nodded in agreement. I had no other option. Ok, come with me he said. He took me on the top deck of the ship and then we went again down stairs on the other side of the deck. He opened an iron-grilled gate of a platform of about three by three feet. It was like an open semi-cage with iron grill walls of about four feet high from the platform and asked me to jump into it. I did as he said. He shouted for someone to give me the tools to work with. Then he hurriedly instructed me, Look man, these are your tools. The platform will go down and youll have to stay on it. Put this belt around your waist and tight it with the hook on the trolley. You have to clean up the outer wall of the vessel as much as you can, but do not disappoint me. You dont have any break and youll get your off at three O clocks. Then come upstairs by pulling this chain and get your money. He left the platform bolting it from the outside. I kept silent if I am mesmerized. I looked at the tools the guy had given to me. It was a big hammer, a foot long sharp edged blade with the hand grip and big nail hatchet tool to bear the strikes of hammer to get rid of the rust from the metallic outer wall of the vessel. I was still looking at the tools when suddenly trolley comes into motion to downward. It went down around twenty meters below the deck surface and I was standing in the steel cage in the air. It was almost dark when Id reached on the ship but now the days light was emerging from the eastern side. I heard an oceanic roar just beneath me. I looked down and found sea waves were hitting to the giant walls of the vessel anchored on the shore and I am hanging in the air over the blue waters of sea. It was a horrible scene. I was facing a big cargo vessel anchored full of greenish brown rust on its exterior walls and I have to clean it up standing in the semi-cage like an animal in the zoo hanging in the air for the rest of my life. Suddenly I felt hungry and my mouth seemed dried up as it had not taken anything since ages. I took up the tools and started scratching rust from the ship. It looked me as I was scratching rust from my own destiny. I literally abused Khan in my thoughts. It was his plan to go to Europe to find out our fortune. I was dreadfully laughing aloud.

________

RISING MOON Fourth night Flower of this purple dye, Hit with Cupids Archery, Sink in apple of his eye. When his love he doth espy, Let her shine as gloriously As the Venus of the sky. When thou wakst, if she be by, Beg of her remedy. Shakespeare. I didnt remember the exact days, may be eight or ten days I think, I worked on that ship but what I remembered that when I used to come back from the ship most of the time I found Khan relaxing on the bed putting his one leg to another and smoking like a boss waiting for his worker to report him back. The moment I saw him I used to become a frustrated barking Doberman, full of anger. Then Khan smilingly tried to make me nonviolent bringing cup of tea or coffee for me from the downstairs like a faithful wife. Anyway with tiring efforts, at last, we succeeded to get a job in a factory within next few days in Athens. The factory was a mechanical instrument manufacturing unit. Our early day job was to sort out the steel sheets unloaded by trucks and put them on the appropriate gauge heaps, afterwards delivery of each sheet to the girls working on the machines and finally to load finished goods in the trucks in the evening. We were hardly five male workers in the factory including foreman named Yorgo and all others were girls working on the machines. They paid us at about 130 drachmas per day in comparison of their own labourer at 350 per day, even then we were happy. In early couple of days Yorgo was so hard with us that he didnt allow us to take a sip of water during our assignment, but by the passage of time he become associated with us and started giving us a bit of allowance to take tea and some time rest for couple of minutes. I and Khan had distributed mutually our workload. He improvised himself fully skilled in sorting and I made myself the best in delivering appropriate iron sheets to the girls on the machines. Keeping in view of our good performance Yorgo had become good friend and got raised our pay from 130 to 150 from the boss within next week and also honoured us with new uniform. We had learned many Greek words and day by day getting back our confidence. We used to come in the factory at quarter to seven in the morning when stars were virtually glittering on the dark sky and worked there till late night making overtime extra money. We got a two bed room rented house with the help of the Yorgo in his own area. We got it very economical with the influence of Yorgo. We noticed that despite we were strangers to the folks living in neighbourhood, but they were so polite and courteous. Whenever we come across we exchanged smiles. They always conceded a helping attitude towards us.

Afterwards we had seen a major part of the Europe and we found them generally civilized, but Greek nation has an exceptional nature in mannerism and ethics, what we experienced. I think they are more civilized than others in Europe or maybe we found them somehow more Asiatic version of European. Its my personal opinion. On many occasions we had witnessed their generosity, their sensibility and human affectionate instinct besides usual human liberties. They still maintained family structural society which in other parts of Europe has confined to certain class. Its my personal experience by living there for a long time.

You go to the Acropolis, a city of summit, historically amazing place in the world centered in Athens; treasures of old Roman and Greek mythologies are laid at your footsteps. Its a manifestation of great Greek nations philosophy which led the rest of the world in the past. The more wisdom you apply yet you still feel inadequacy to interpret its history written on the walls of Acropolis. A mother land of Socrates and his irony, Aristotle and his doctrines, Plato and his theory to confide harmless, all those philosophies had led us to the civilizations on the globe. So the instinct has engrossed into the Greek nation through centuries and centuries. Hundreds of thousand people visit this place and find their destinations on the will of the humanity, which enriched them with the power to escort the world, but unfortunately neither they have taken it in its spirit nor have the distressed people like us rationalized themselves ever.

One day we got a bit late to the factory. Yorgo had gone to the hospital for his wifes check up and boss called Khan and made him acting Foreman until Yorgo comes back. Khan took the job with its full responsibility and even censured me on my lapses among others. I was not expecting such over-professionalism from Khan. I took my break for an hour from the boss but didnt leave the factory. After couple of minutes Khan came to me and said Are you still angry with me? No I replied. Ok then come with me, she is asking for you. He said to me. Who is asking for me I asked in surprising tone. Then I saw a girl named Sotillana was coming to me. Thats she, he said smilingly and went away. She was a pretty nice girl of almost my age, with blonde hair five ft six inches height, broad shoulders looked very attractive. I didnt find her without smiling face at any time. Hi, she said. I responded her with a boring nod... Whats up?

Ohchie she said in Greek, means nothing. Khan said you were asking me I smiled and waited for her answer silently. No, I never asked for you, Ah, Khan, she sighed as she understood something between. He told me, you are looking for me. Now I got the game. Khan was playing tricks with us. She perhaps studied my face giving an innocent reflection in her eyes. What do you do in the evening? She said smiling. We look for the girls to date. I was anguished. Oh I see You guys never looked like that. She laughingly said. She could not understand actually what I said. Ok, if you like well meet you at poste (Post Office) at seven in the evening. Georgia will come with me, she likes Khan. She said quickly and walked away as Yorgo had come back and was looking at her with his tiger eyes. I had seen Georgia working on a machine and felt some time that she looked interested in Khan. Whenever I delivered sheets on her paddle she asked something in Greek about Khan. Hey where is your friend he is a postie. (A word means a sad man in Greek language.) I think we too have this word in our language meaning lazy person. I always replied her No he is not a postie he is a Masti-man She could never know the meaning of Masti-man but always laughed aloud hearing my reply. At break, I told Khan about my conversation with Sotillana. He turned excited and immediately asked me to lend him my new shirt to wear on the occasion. I am sorry I didnt buy this shirt for you, I said. No, my dear, look I dont have any good shirt for this occasion when you have lot of good shirts, please. He almost begged. Ok... fine, you got it I blinked smilingly.

Incidentally, the next day was Sunday and at Saturday nobody did extra work I mean overtime. So the timing was perfect and we didnt bother to think more on it except our outfits to dcor us for our ever first date. At around 6.30 in the evening, we were at outside poste, a huge Victorian style building, where normally we used to collect our mail at our fixed Post Box. Sun was setting far-behind in the west coast glimmering on the orange sky.

Our excited faces were shiny with high enthusiasm and we were watching almost every passer-by pair of girls. At 730, we were at the verge to give-up the show, losing our hopes and said it was big joke with us. We saw a beautiful pair of girls passing on the other side of the causeway. They were just walking a couple of feet away looking on us. I said to Khan, Listen, just forget Sotillana and Georgia, they are not coming I think, why we shouldnt talk to these girls. They seemed well prettier than those and may be a little interesting to have good time. No, no, we cant do that, its Europe and if anything went wrong then you are responsible Khan said in quiver voice. Fine, then wait for another hour, at least I am not interested. I said and turned around to have a final look on the girls. They were vanished. I again looked around across the road. No one was there. I almost shouted but realizing we are standing at a public place lowered down my voice and said to Khan. Look those girls have also gone. You fool always make me late. By that time girls were standing on our heads almost behind us. Hi why you goofs are not looking on us, we are waving you and you busters busy in talking. Both spoke in chorus. Oh, my God, we were absolutely bewildered watching both of them. Such beauties we had never seen before. Both Sotillana and Georgia were looking marvelous beyond our dreams and imaginations. Normally wed seen them in factory-outfits, wearing caps on their heads and tinny scarf on their necks to get rid of iron-dust spread in the air while at work. Sotillana immediately grabbed my arm and taught me how to hold her in such a way boys are customarily used to be with the girlfriends and the same did Georgia with Khan. Sotillana whispered in my ear to move away from the scene, and we walked away briskly without any plans. Just walk, not jog, she snarled on me. We had become confused. We never knew how politely to handle girls with care. Sotillana, I am pleased to have your company, thank you for coming I threw my first sentence in a romantic voice in a Pakistani fashion. Shut up, you stupid, she forcefully stopped her smile. By this time, both of them must have conceptually cleared in their minds that we were having out first date in our life time, because both were giggling and murmuring something in Greek. Okay, my lady, I said in a keen voice.

Then she responded dedicatedly putting her face on my chest and gazing onto my face merging into me. The happiest moments I ever experienced before and perhaps she too had gone into her fantasies. I believe she has not been having any boyfriend before and what she said was explicit to it. Ali, you are the one who came into my life incidentally just on persuasion of Georgia but now I feel Ive taken wise step to come nearer to you. You are first ever boyfriend in my life and now I feel we are one. She was full of enthusiasm. Later I realized that she might be truthful. She was just talking holding my hand firmly as we were some old friends. I was responding her with my feelings, speechless drowned in her vocalic lexis and warmth of her body. I could not comprehend how much wed walked together when Georgia walking behind us interrupted Cant we sit somewhere or only we were here to walk. We realized perhaps more than half an hour we were walking on the causeway yet without any plan to move further. I looked at my watch and then towards Khan who was too looking furious to me. We looked at a nearby restaurant and entered into it. We selected a table just under the glass-wall of the restaurant to have an outside view. Restaurant was quite spacious, mostly filled with tourists hanging around to please their appetite. We ordered for supper and drinks and almost sat there for more than an hour, until we were made realized again by the girls to go somewhere else. We had no idea at all where to take them and what should be the next plan to spend more time together. Suddenly an idea came into my mind and I floated it instantly. Hi Sotillana do you people like movies. I have seen a good cinema around. Why dont we see a movie? They both liked the idea except khan who was in fact trying to make austerity. Ay, you fool this is the first time youre dating a European girl, and still trying to be miser. Dont worry; make it on my personal expense. I ordered as boss around. We went to the nearby cinema where a Greek movie was running. Although I too was disappointed to see, it was in Greek language yet we had no other option but to buy four tickets and went inside the cinema. Movie could have been a sensational but we sit silent in the early couple of minutes and then started talking with the girls. I realized both the girls were more interested in movie than us and Sotillana stopped my talking by putting her finger on my lips.

We realized some other people sitting around were too staring on us with an angry look so we kept silent for a while. I looked at Khan and whispered to him. Khan, we are trapped both the beauties are watching movie and we are sitting like fools besides them staring on the screen without having an understanding of language. It looked we were watching the screen like owls moving our faces along the scenes movement from left to right then back. Suddenly a bell rang up and lights went on. We thanked. It was intermission. So both the girls saw each other and giggled then asked us smiling Did we like the movie. A total shit I said in my thoughts and spoke, Oh, dear it was very interesting. Sotillana, would you girls like to have something like tea or coffee. Yes we think so Georgia smiled. Since this was Georgias wish, khan could not resist it to his usual austerity. He looked at me as Ive stabbed a dagger in his chest but thanks God he didnt uttered a word and stood up. On his way to out I loudly asked him to bring something to eat as Im feeling hungry. He didnt bother to look back on me and went outside. I threw a smile on both the girls and leaned back on my seat relaxed. Sotillana putting her head on my shoulder whispered in my ears. Hey Ali, is Khan angry with us? No, not at all, he is just calculating the amount he is going to spend on us. You are liar, Ali, I dont believe this. Georgia smiled and said surprisingly. Ok, when Khan comes back, you can ask him yourself. I answered laughingly. For a while she kept silent and then uttered a few words in Greek to Sotillana and then they both laughed. Meanwhile bell rang up again to end the interval. We were little concerned about Khan who has not come back yet. Within a couple of minutes lights went off and trailer of some movie was running on the screen. Khan had not come back. I was seriously concerned about him now but didnt show my anxiety to the girls. Georgia had twice asked me that where has he gone? Id no answer to it yet I smiled and asked her to go and find him. He must be wandering to buy something very cheap for us to eat. What a miser man I have met, I battled in my thoughts. He is almost lost somewhere and youre still kidding. Georgia looked worried.

They have forgotten to see the movie and whispering in each others ears in Greek. I started enjoying the anxiety emerged on their faces and started to see the movie in relaxed mood leaning back on my cushioned seat. But in the darkened hall my eyes were fixed on the entrance door and literally I was praying for Khan to come back soon. Suddenly I saw a shadow making his way hitting peoples legs in the darkness heading towards us. He was Khan. I pointed both the girls look at him, he is coming. Both turned around, looked at him and sighed in relief and their faces blushed and relaxed. Where have you been, We almost spoke in chorus. I could not find a grocery shop to buy something to eat. He said in tired voice. Grocery Shop but what for, what did you buy from it Georgia inquired surprisingly. I have brought cream pastries of different flavours for all of you. Here it is and your coffee. Oh, my God. Who told you to bring these cream pastries? You asked me to bring something to eat so I bought it He protested in an innocent manner. We all laughed and enjoyed. Rhythm of the movie has already been broken and girls have forgotten the entire interesting story on the screen jus because of this incident and we decided to leave the cinema after finishing of our pastries and coffee. I exchanged eyes with Khan who was of the view to drop them at their home; Id no intention to be parted but had no other option. So instead we drop them they both dropped us at our home. In fact they both wanted to have inside look at our home as well. Before I invite them to come in the house, Khan said hurriedly said goodbye to both of them, patted on the shoulder of the driver to move and the taxi vanished away. Khan had such an unpredictable personality and he never gives you much time to think. Ive ever to witness an occasion when he gives you the outlines of some of his plans and then immediately announces a decision and starts implementing it other way around. One day we were relaxing our Sunday morning and after taking tea we were just gossiping and planning our week ahead. He suddenly said to me I am going to Yugoslavia after two days. But why I was almost stunned. I just need Indian visa from their embassy in Yugoslavia He said patiently. I need to see my aunty in India, he continued. You know she is alone there and I am her only adopted son and now she needs me to be there to look-after her. He never told me about her earlier.

And after two days he left for Yugoslavia. Suddenly I felt myself alone I was a bit bored to be alone. In my past life time I had never been alone in such a way that no one is around me to even talk and share my day to day activities.

The loneliness grabbed me in such a way within a couple of days that in factory everyone was watching me with a surprise nod, but no one had asking me why I am so silent. They may be thinking that just because of my friend who is away, I am so sad. But as a matter of fact I had become home sick and was facing a loud brain-storming in these days thinking that if Khan had been leaving for India if he gets visa and then Ive to live alone. Why then I should be here. So I was preparing my mind to compromise on allowing me having a decision to quit Greece and leave for Pakistan. The decision was almost paralyzed when one day Sotillana took me to her home and we almost spent whole day there talking future plans, but I didnt know why I kept my leaving Greece plan hidden from her. Perhaps I didnt want to hurt and upset her as I was keenly watching her interest being developed in me with great enthusiasm. I cant say at that time or maybe I couldnt hear her hearts voice, but in my opinion, we were good friends and can share our future life plans. Even we did talk much about our future spouses and laughed much when we drew sketches of each others spouse. One thing I am sure and realized later-on that from the beginning shed fallen in love with me from the core of her heart but perhaps waiting for me to take initiative, which I didnt do till I left Greece.

Khan had got the visa for India and after a weeks time he left for India in a direct flight from Athens to Delhi. I was alone and passing days with immense feeling of loneliness and within few weeks I fell ill and fever took me to the helm of my body. I was taken to the hospital where they refused to admit me on the grounds that I am a foreigner and do not possess my Insurance or social security card. Anyway doctor under humanitarians grounds gave me some treatment which made me enough strong to bear this ailment for another couple of days until I finally get recovered. I personally felt that all of the factory mates did care about me during my ailment but especially Sotillana who took excellent care of mine. All the time sitting near to me skipped many days from the job, preparing food and tea for me. It was like she is looking after some kid. I can never forget her wet eyes most of time while sitting close to me. I believe that all the time thered been someone who prays for me in my difficult time whether she was my mother or someone else, but I realized so many time in drowsiness of my fever with half conscious. Although under the compelling circumstances Sotillana remained near to me for most of the time but still I felt my mother around me, I missed her in my heart and mind with my strong emotional spiral thickness.

One day we were having a tea-break after a long creek-side evening walk at Piraeus port when I told her about my plans. She was almost stunned and I saw the words stopped at her lips first and then breaking pause she spoke in feeble voice. Ali, I hope you are not kidding with me? No not at all, I am dam serious and Ive got my reservation for Istanbul. She suddenly appeared sick and tired like she walked a thousand miles alone in the desert. No, you cant leave me alone; I owe you something, Ali. To me I said in surprising tone. Yes, to you. She said in firm voice. I was smiling and didnt understand her reply. So what do you owe me, Sotillana? I asked her gently keeping my voice soft. A baby. She yelled like a thunderstorm in my ear. Yes a baby, do you understand it. You cant leave me alone like this. If you are leaving, Ill keep this baby a sign of your love and affection with me in the rest of my life. She was letting out her emotions. Tears rolled down on her cheek. Oh my God. I could not weigh this girl at all. She is so emotionally involved with me. I tried to make her calm but all went in vain. She put her head on my shoulder and was crying holding me tight with her arms. I took her face in my hands and leaned close to her face and said, Sotillana, Look my darling. You know my friend has gone back and I am alone here and I cant live like this whole of my life. Its my transitory spell of life. I want to ascend to some respectable status in my own country. Even if I live here, I would like to study more and then to do something else. You know this factory is not my fate. I believe perhaps the answer is so hard, but I am helpless. Id to speak truth before you as I dont want to keep you under any misunderstanding. She kept silent hearing my words and then straightened her back and sided close to me and holding my face with her hands put her lips on my lips. I could not stop her. She was so emotionally distressed and still I remember the taste of her kiss in my memoir of my feelings.

It was our last meeting outside, and then I noticed she always looked at me if she is trying to say something through her eyes and I normally passed her keeping my eyes on the ground. Id no courage to talk with her although I intended to speak.

Finally the day came when I packed up my all belongings and came to factory to say goodbye to everyone. Sotillana was there. I went to her in the last taking her hand into mine nodded her to come in the corridor of the offices building and said gently. Sotillana. I am leaving tomorrow morning, I just wanted to say goodbye and many thanks to you. You have been a soul, I might not be forgetting in my lifetime, and listen one thing, whatever Ive said to you was my ambition and I cant live without getting it. Its question of my life and my family. Ill miss you and will never forget you. The moment I said these words I could not hold my soundless tears which slipped on my cheeks. And Sotillana, one thing more, now I cant hold it and hide it from you anymore I love you.

She listened silently and then broke all dames in her heart and I saw, we were both crying and kissing each other forgetting everything around us. We both were repeating only one sentence perhaps... and it was perhaps, I love you. I could never recall what happened afterwards, but what I remembered, we were standing there embraced each other forgetting everything around, when cheering noise came into our ears. Most of the factory mates were clapping on our re-association. Next morning when I was settling my luggage in the compartment of the train en-route to Istanbul, I looked outside and saw Sotillana was standing there putting her lips on my window and saying something which sounds like I love you. I smiled on her and just jump outside the compartment and embraced her tightly. Ali, would it be possible for you to come over here again to see me. It was a big question which I never answered to her instantly, but always answered her afterwards. Yes Sotillana, Ill come back one day. You are in my heart all the time. And that I even shared with my friends later and wished to go to Athens saying as I have left something there. I dont know what I left there was my love or my destiny, but one thing I could understand that love is a gift and must be honoured.

_______

RISING MOON Fifth night Life is like a diamond, more you trim it More it becomes beautiful

So I was backing home. I didnt inform my arrival back to my parents and one day I was standing at the door of my house, calling my mother. It was a pleasant surprise to all of them. They were all hugging me. I was feeling so proud amid my brothers and sister who were looking at me as if Id come from Mars with a look of new and matured man equipped with novel experience from Europe. They were watching my outfits. They were also expecting and waiting for me to show them all the gifts which Ive brought for them. It was amazing moment, I really enjoyed their eagerness and one by one handed over their belongings which I bought from different cities. A marvellous fraction of happiness I never forget. I took admission in University. My mother wanted me to study more so that I could be able to fetch a reasonable job. In her eyes simply a graduate does not have such opportunities in the practical life. So I complied with my mothers advice in letter and spirit. Time was passing-on with all its pleasure and calmness. Nothing was going around special, until I get job in a multinational company and went for on-job training. My mother was planning about my marriage and was looking for a nice house wife and when she asked me to tell her my choice; I didnt intend to be married in such hurry. In fact I had no idea about married life and a few plans were in my mind to strengthen my economy but my mother having perhaps a bad experience of my elder brothers wife wanted me to marry as soon as possible. She insisted me to tell her to whom I want to marry if there is one on the earth. She threatened me if I didnt use my prerogative then she will be choosing her own liking. So finally one day, could not face her insistence to tell her my choice, I took the name of same girl whom Id warned in my college life. Sofia was a distant relative of my uncles in-law family to whom Id given my words in my student life to be my wife. My parents although opposed this proposal but to my preference they gave-up the idea to resist aggressively to this proposal and all the necessary arrangements went on customarily. Suddenly I was a married person feeling myself a foot high on all other my young friends. I remember I was the first among friends who got married at the age of twenty two. Afterwards I didnt find any life thriller what was I supposed to be. Time went-on in extremely usual way and I became busy in my professional life.

_______.

RISING MOON Sixth night

Its better to be defeated on principles, than to win on lies. By the passage of time I was getting success in my professional life, posting from one place to another and then back on higher position until I entered successfully into upper class societal engagements in order to be part of it due to my professional requirement. My wife Sofia though a nice woman restricted herself within the ambit of children care and housekeeping. She could not make herself available to go with my side. At times she resisted me to restrict myself within the house walls. Often she started complaining for my late comings and reprimanded me to be punctual on resuming family needs particularly to be available at home and to attend the guests from out stations from my in laws. For me, her guests and mine have had no difference. Id not even been giving much time to my own brothers/sisters. It seemed as she had lost interest in mine as if I am not available to her and on the other side I lost association as I found myself alone in parties and started feeling my abnormal life. In fact I was a man of social gathering and I expected a great deal of friendship from my wife whom I gave everything, love affection, security, patronage, no financial hardship. Whatever I earned I used to give her and in return I only expected one thing a pretty sense of friendship if not physically at least morally. What happens when you spent your whole life thinking about only one thing thats a friendship and one day you realize that everything is there except a friendship? I know this sounds hard to believe, but the truth is always bit different from personal perception and my insight had never divulged into mine unless I feel it strongly in the depth of my heart. Perhaps one of the great tragedies of our age is that a whole generation of Indian and Pakistani women rests their fate on the reliance of marry-and-settle phenomenon. This misfortune is borne with a vengeance as these are non-fictional and we are caught up in a plot, nuance of style involving imagination. I do believe in feminism keeping in view of our societal demands for the sake of next generation who absorbed influences from the elders within society and what else come across to them through globalized information crossways continents. If some woman does it, she makes herself more remarkable if she belongs to the middle class. We did not need to look on the west for strong female role models or rely on an imported brand of feminism that may not be emotionally or intellectually satisfying in our Asian context. In fact family system in vogue in our society requires a good blend of modernism with traditional norms inherited by this soil. It is invigorating to concern not only females misplacement from the saintly traditional outlook of the Indian women but also her condemnation to a masculine in

comparison of the western female who is far too involved in maximizing her physical appeal to ensure a man. So in that perception Id a great expectation from her not to be a maid to this family but her attitudinal conception should have led the family which I was building with my all hard work in all spheres within my family and economic life. Its no time to record criticism against her, but what I am sharing it with you the general perception of a Pakistani women who gets married in our society with the fear to be part of the gamble whether it works or not and if succeeded, afterwards realizing her excellent fate just put off the pads not to play in a team rather she starts making her own team comprising on people, she feels, can make more strengthen her ego. I remember after a decade or so I started to develop a feeling that what I am supposed to do was just a duty and a mechanical system which have evolved to bring the results in the compassionate grounds corresponding with-in a dutiful manner. All the thrill and adventurous instincts of mine have vanished only because of lack of analogous natures companion in my life. Ive always had a muscle to go with the life in multifarious and diversified directions for not only to have its fruits for whole of the family members, even for my far and distant associates in any manner, which certainly make an emotional contentment to the inhabited natural infatuation in a human being.

Relationship among human beings especially in-between male and female in all capacities if exists to make satisfy the society only, is either fake and unwarranted or superfluous in my opinion unless you put a sense of friendship, possession and sacrifice in the relationship. The essence of the relations lies in the closer mentally coupled approach if not physical. This association must be coupled with similar nature of ethics and way to live life in a cultured society which you have opted to oblige within the stricture of your societal norms.

But I think we failed miserably in developing such relationship between us, not a normal friendship even. In a result, I opted to craft my own world within my friends who may be or may not be but I used to get satisfaction keeping them surrounding me. Lesser the time I spent at home more the pleasure it appeared to get outside home. It was becoming more of a corporate head like to seize me within the needs of the family what I was delivering in a dutiful manner. At time I used to keep my professional and business appointments late in the night to keep myself away from home. By the passage of time hard points were coming forward. I felt we are parting day by day and are both pulling along under the circumstantial pressures where just duties were left. However for the sake of kids we used to keep together in meals and to celebrate ceremonial days. And one day it ended up when she said in a ruthless manner, I may leave this home the sooner the better. She thought perhaps all my quarrels and criticism with her were in a persuasion for her to leave this

family. She was of the opinion that its her home; she is not going anywhere so if I am not satisfied I should leave. What a marvellous decision taken by a lady asking her husband to leave his home. She never thought what kind of sacrifice someone has made to convert this house into a home. I still remember we had a very congested accommodation in my ancestral house and she always did complaint about it. I too had a belief that ultimately we should have to move somewhere in a better and independent place. So I had decided to build our own house and the efforts, I had made to get this house, were well known to my close friends. It was a pleasant surprise when one day I took Sofia to have a visit to this house while it was under construction. Afterward in the next year, we shifted in this house. In the beginning she was the happiest woman on earth to find this place, her own place with all the sovereign and command of authority which normally a lady wishes in our civil society and she expressed her authority by the passage of time in her attitudinal behaviour. Shed not realized what she is earning not her fate alone. It has to be shared by all. She mistook the fortune of the family and that was her big mistake, which she could rectify ever in her belief. So I just deferred the proposal to choose leaving home thinking about my kids and family which Ive made it after my hectic efforts throughout my past life. But the storms in my mind remained live encircling my thoughts all the time. And more the time was passing I was becoming frustrated. The loneliness, sadness and depression was obvious symptoms which ultimately put bad affect influenced on my professional life and one day I formally requested my boss to change my present assignment which had a name and authority in my institution. So I was put on the surplus pool as an officer on special duty. I was asked to wait until I get new assignment from the Head Quarter. They accommodated me with a room and a telephone facility. Some time they used to employ my services and contacts on petty assignments like meetings with the other Governmental Offices or some protocol duties. I lost my concentration on my professional career. It was the first ever set back I realized later.

_______

RISING MOON Seventh night Life is either a daring adventure or nothing, Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature.

It was fine morning of August. Sun was shining and everything was luminous in its golden rays. Last nights rain has washed all the trees and plants as clean as mirror. One can see his face in the drops of dew placed beautifully on the petals of plants. We were expecting a guest from Islamabad. Flight was little delayed. I was in office and find my drivers saying. Sir, someone is waiting for you in the car outside. Who I asked. Did you receive the guest from the airport? Yes sir I brought her and she is waiting outside to see you. Oh... my God, you brought her here in my office. Why didnt you take her home as I told you I was almost annoyed. Ok, fine I am coming outside, I overcome my annoyance wait for me a couple of minutes. I told him. I settled my documents spread all over my table quickly and went outside. The car was parked outside my office premises as there were already many vehicles in the porch and no space was available to bring the car inside. I looked on the car and step forward to receive the guest who herself stepped outside immediately while glancing on me but stayed there watching me to approach her. She was an elegant tall & slim lady with light brown hairs encircled and little puffed-out on her shoulders almost of my height but surely not less than five seven, in orange and brown colors outfits; black shoes and black sun glasses with smiling face staring on me. She was a beautiful woman, Ive ever seen. I thought. She hugged me in excitement vocally and physically leaving not a single flash for me to speak. How are you I could hardly speak-out as I am mesmerized. I am just fine how you are. I thought I should give you a surprise, so before I go home I preferred to see you here. She said in a striking voice. My pleasure I said pleasingly. Would you like to give me an opportunity to offer you my warmth hospitality in my office?

No thanks I just wanted to see you first thats why I came here directly. Now I must go home and see you in the evening when you come back. She said smilingly. Her eyes were full of affection and love that I could ever forget. Her face was so glorious and splendid and I could see her emotions on her face whence she was looking on me while we were talking. I think its wise to go home now and well get together around at six in the evening. I asked her wisely and she bowed her head in obeisance. She stepped in the car and I hurriedly bent on her car window and asked. How was your flight? It was as usual but all the way Id wonderful feelings about meeting you. She said excitedly with last words murmur in low voice. Have a good day I wished her waving my hand the moment the car went into motion and drivers getting it reversed on the road. I saw her waving her hand too with smiling face and lips enthused to say something which I couldnt hear as the car went-off on its way. I come back into my office and sat there mutely for how long I never knew it. I never thought in a way she congregated and embraced me in her first meeting. I was sure Id fallen-in-love with this girl on first sight, which I become conscious later. Her name was Amber and she had just got out of misery of her final professional exams of medical and this was her first trip out of her station in her life time. She was a distant relative and once we were talking about her at home I dont know, whod floated an idea for her to visit us and spend a few days to make herself relax after long- standing studies of five years in medical college. I never knew at that time she will be holding my woes and turns them into my laughter afterwards, heeding to the call of my heart.

What I was thinking despite her alluring access to my heart, she is a nice girl and must be having her own personal and emotional obsessions. Why she should listen to my heart-call. She was not supposed to have an affair with such a guy who did not have an independent standing of his own. He has a family already and how could he surpassed all the norms of the society and perhaps neither she has any intention to be a victim of societal standards because she has had her own professional career ahead of her. There were many questions in my mind but what I sensed from my gut feelings that I could not be able to resist her if she opted to come closer to me. Perhaps a big room has already been created in my heart to oblige someone to be housed in it. I didn't know she wanted to-do-so or not I never guessed it earlier but her attitude and feelings perfectly and absolutely conquered my emotional willingness to fell deep into her arms

leaving my own soul behind my dignity and honor and above all my family and perhaps this was the destiny for both of us written on the Holy Stone at Heaven.

________

RISING MOON Eighth night Oits all yours adore and worship Let it enfold me; And let my passions be on fire, Its amazing and encircling me; Convey my soul resting on desire; I am your love and obsessive, So let my heart ablaze in it. Let the hopes seize me, Dwell my lust and spirit; Your first glimpse touched my heart I need you come closer and nearer, And bring back my life, my dearer. You are the sign of love, So bless me with your lips; I am thirsty of your tenderness, So let me glow into fragrance of your love; And never go away.

I entered in the room. Amber was sitting and watching TV and scanning some newspaper. Hi whats going on? I asked. Nothing, Just reading some poetry. Do you have some interest in poetry, which poet influenced you? Other than Ghalib its none, but somehow as we have read Allama Sahib in school and college days. So he has his own impact. She replied. Great. You know Ghalib is one of my favourite poets. I told her sitting beside her. Wow, who else are? She asked excitedly. On top, it is Ghalib and then Faiz and in new poets its Saleem Kouser. I replied. Do you have any book of Faiz? She asked me. Yes I do have I replied and find out Naqsh-e-Faryadi from my cupboard and handed over to her. I am going to see a client in the evening, whats your plan. Do you want to spend your evening at home? I asked her. I think so. I dont have choice she replied. Ok, then better to go through some good book besides this poetry, I said.

Do you like some English novel like Sidney Sheldon series etc? I asked her. No, Ive never read this writer she replied smilingly. Fine then you better read this one, its doctors story. I smiled handing over her Nothing Lasts Forever a beautiful novel of Sheldon. In the next two days I saw her all the time sitting and reading this novel. Did you like it or just reading because of me? Next day I ask her laughingly. My God it is a sensational novel I ever had read before. She replied eagerly.

I noticed most of time whenever I used to be at home, she tried to sit closer to me. One day we all went outside for dinner, she just sat opposite to me across the table and looked at me like she had come to see me only. Rest of the family members took their seats accordingly. Kids were busy chatting and in selecting menu etc. I looked in Ambers eyes where I can see my own face glowing in love of someone, I dont know, but I think she knew it and carrying sign of affection on her face, she asked me. I heard youve been outside country for long time. What exactly you have been doing there? Sure Ive been there for long time, the only thing I realized outside besides learning a lot to my own experience that we have not been taking advantage of independence of own country. We do possess everything which is materially, spiritually and morally needed to build a nation to compete in the global race of development. But unfortunately we have lost our destiny just because of our ailing leadership. Oh, this is very political statement She said ironically. No, Amber its not a political declaration. These are facts and I can produce a lot of examples to support my statement. I said in a composed voice. I continued. Look, after independence, we have been witnessing what we need not to be professed out in the society. All the way, two nations theory was taken into words only. The spirit of the theory was set aside to meet leaderships own ill-desires to protect them in the emerging sociocultural society. None of the leaders except a few who could not succeeded in early days after Jinnahs death by their own in-experiences in the politics and to run a nation in the right direction. All the others took the leadership per force toppling each others ruling regimes in the name of either religion or socio-economic development. One after one fascism intrigued fear in the minds of people leaving behinds the social inequality and putting the middle class in a trauma. It was a conspiracy against newly born country so that it could not stand on its feet and get grow through a class which cant run a transparent ruling phenomenon. But here one question arises, who has done this conspiracy. She asked in a frown voice.

Well Amber, you know the role of Jinnah, which he has played for the partition, unless you know the background of the whole historic independence war, you are unable to reach to the conclusion. Despite of the fact Jinnah had great leadership qualities and he was well aware of the misery of the Muslim nation in India, yet he could not get himself out of the frame work designed by the English intelligentsia with the collaboration of the Congress leadership. And as I have absolutely convinced that Jinnah was the most suitable person chosen by the circumstances. The English Empire has to support him as representative of the Muslims. His background was most suitable for the Britain. He can be advantageous among the Muslims in India since his resumption as Barrister-at-Law in Bombay. In view of Jinnahs personalitys background in United Kingdom during his studies in Law at Lincolns College, when he joined Bombays Bar Counsel, he was blessed by the then Bombays acting advocate-general, John Molesworth Macpherson. Jinnah met Mr. Macpherson, who immediate liked young Jinnah and invited him to work in his office. It was the first ever such invitation by Mr. Macpherson extended to an Indian. So, you can well imagine how early English Empire has done their spade work before they instigated the circumstances to initiate legitimate public processions for the independence of India. Mr. Jinnah knew this thats why rest of his life, even after getting independence, he professed all the time for unity faith & discipline. You can read his speech in Constituent Assembly immediate after independence. What he said was never given importance afterwards. Those were left as words, only words. I took sigh for a second. Well, well, its an understandable version of your thinking She sighed too. So my dear Amber, It was our dilemma and you can well see the results. Neither we were engaged to the democracy afterwards and nor any other ideological philosophy which surely could take a nation to its heights. Weve been forced to live in dissection of ethnic and sectarian small cubes with little vested interests of our own, leaving behind the major need to build a nation in the emerging era on the globe. I looked into her eyes. Excellent, Can we have the dinner as well, simultaneously, I can listen your thoughts. Your plate is empty; better take some fried prawn if you like. Amber said in smiling voice putting all my philosophical arguments aside and offered me a dish of fried prawns. Sure dear, I said smilingly and put some pieces into my plate. Thanks Whats your judgment on the issue I asked her. I absolutely agree with your opinion and the way you have elaborated it is understandable, but you know we hadnt had much options to offer to our leadership after independence. They were under the pressure of the diversified and divergent problems of new born nation. She said confidently. Listen, listen, yes, you may be right, but they should have prioritized the direction on the basis of constitution which they even could not make in ten years of their early spin like ruling. It

gave an ample chance to the adventurists to come forward to take over the charge of this nation in an illegitimate manner. So in my opinion, its a dreadful malfunction of them to occupy the leadership forum. She looked a little assuring to my arguments and said. What the nation did. They welcomed it time and again at least thrice on the imposition of Military take-over as I remember. You are right Amber, I said But it was a jargon displayed every time to let the world know the politicians were doing no good to this nation and we have come to rescue poor people. She looked a bit bewildered and instead of offering new argument handed over to me a dish of rice and said. You have not taken this, mind, if you taste it a little. Its nicely cooked. I smiled and took the dish from her hand and put some rice into my plate. I think she had a good brain to switch away the topic so I supported her and ate eagerly to show how much I am interested in meal. If I had a few more sittings with you it seemed to me I shall become good politician and philosopher. She said laughingly. No I think youll stop sitting with me I said. And we both laughed aloud. The day by day we were talking more and becoming more nearer to each other and I did not even realize that the time has come for her to go back. The time has passed faster than anything; we had a lot of discussion on music, movies, religion in these days and I found her quite bold in every topic and logical even. A sense of good understanding has established between us without naming it. One day before her departure she asked me can it be possible for you to take me in some hospital. I want to see the system in vogue in here. Sure. I said and I took her next day to one of the good hospital of the city where she spent two/ three hours to see all the departments and a lot discussion with the doctors on her subject. On our way back I put on the music in the car. She just blinked her eyes and saw me smilingly. What a nice song? She smiled. Ive got some classical music collection in my library. Great. Which music you like? I asked. Music of love and sincerity, but music of friendship is my aim. Your aim, what did you say?

Can we be good friends, she asked cautiously. Sure, we can be rather we are, I said keeping my hand on her hand. She held my hand firmly and started crying. It was a stunning moment for me. Oh, dont cry please and is there any reason to cry like this. As I said I am your friend. Is not it gives you some relief? Yes, it provides me lot of strength now. She said wiping her cheeks. You know I was busy in my studies since last many years and now I got little time to spend on myself. I found you such a wonderful person and I dont want to lose you as being my friend. I am a mystic girl and do not share my feelings to anyone. Its only you who has just tried to perceive inside me and shared my unspoken miseries. I, now, understand that I can trust on you. The time I spent with you and your family is remarkable. I would not be able to forget it forever. Good girl, relax yourself. I am your friend and available to you and I dont know how much farther should we go, but one thing I know, had I not been a married person, I would have been the first man to propose you. You are my dream girl. The kind I intended to be tied-up with some girl in my mind is you.

I never knew these words would change her thinking all together. But I was pragmatic, she has started to believe on me and perhaps in the deep of her heart she might like me. The next day I offered friendly services of mine to drop her on the airport and she accepted it, but my wife asked me to stay at home and she showed her interest to see-off Amber. They asked the driver to go with them and then hell come back to take me in office. Although I wanted myself to say her goodbye, but sudden development put my position very tongue-tied so I didnt insist to go with her and said goodbye instantly. I felt her eyes were full of big tears dropping on her pink cheeks and while the car was strolling outside the driveway she was looking back on me turning her neck to the inaccessible posture. I waved my hand to her and said goodbye in my heart and turned around quickly so no one could see my soaked eyes. After they left for the airport I called my office and asked for another vehicle to take me into my office. The moment I get into my office my secretary connected me with a line she received from the airport. It was Amber. Hi how are you? Did you get briefing? I ask her eagerly. Yes Ali. I got it, She replied still sobbing perhaps and brought first time my name on her lips.

I Miss you, she said in a voice I could feel deep into my heart. And I want to say something she continued. Yesplease Amber I am listening I said in lean voice. Ali I cant help myself falling in love with you and she hung up the phone.

_______

RISING MOON Ninth night

Out of this wood do not desire to go: Thou shalt remain here, whether thou wilt or no. I am a spirit of no common rate: The summer still doth tend upon my taste; And I do love thee: therefore go with me. Ill give thee fairies to attend on thee: And they shall fetch thee jewels from the deep, And sing while thou on pressed flowers dost sleep; And I will purge thy mortal grossness so, That thou shalt like an airy spirit go. Shakespeare.

I could have not imagined to that extent the girl may have gone, all the best I was doing to give her a space to breathe slight fresh air after such a hectic time she spent in the past years. But at the same time I can well envision my own obsession have gone too far with her. It had been many days, she has gone back and still I see her shadow moving around me, grabbing my hand and some time leaning on me to whisper something. I still feel soft touch of her fingers tips in my hairs on the neck. When I see mirror I do not see mine face but her standing beside me smiling and trying to say in my ear as she used to do whenever she had caught me alone in my room. Amid my thoughts I was wedged by Sofia one day. Ali I am watching you! You looked very quiet these days. Is anything wrong in office? Not at all, everything is fine in office. I said in a frightened tone as I am caught doing something wrong. May be, but its my observation, you have lost your mind somewhere? She shrugged.

But by the passage of time I felt myself losing my concentration, becoming irritated on very petty things and lot of fretfulness covering my soul mentally and physically. One day in the office Amber called me from some public call office and we talked almost for hours. She was so excited to talk with me and I too felt that I am flying in the skies. I told her I am coming to her city very soon in a meeting arranged by my company. I asked her to meet me in my hotel.

She was so thrilled that hardly could hide her emotions. Oh dont tell me, I may not die. She responded excitedly and continued. Ali I am waiting for you I am looking forward to see you there, I said almost finishing our talk as most of my colleagues were trying to strike their necks inside room on me from the door ajar. I didnt know how those days were passed feeling me away from the Amber and I was anxiously waiting for the day to meet up her. I believe myself happiest man on earth when I landed there and the moment I get out of the airport I rang her. Hi its me; I am in your city. I said in delighted voice. Welcome to the city of love, people here always welcome to those who have guts and got heart to love. It was her reply laughingly. Well Amber, its nice way to welcome guests. I grinned. Ive been student here for some time in my early days, but could not find a girl like you, you are the courageous one and very bold in my opinion. I remarked her enthusiastically. Yes I am youre in my city, thats why I look like a brave girl She continued. It gives a lot of strength to me. What my arrival or myself? I teased her. Ok, let me come to your hotel and Ill tell you what has thrilled me. She laughed. See you then in the hotel tomorrow, I replied and pushed red knob of my cellular phone.

I reached in the hotel and checked-in my room. After getting my change I just laid on the bed thinking about Amber. I felt its all around clouds of fantasies and I want to remain in it so that I could say I am her love. It looked me that I am untamed for her love and was saying in my thoughts to let me burn into my emotions. It goes on touching my insight iced ocean of emotion, I feel her heat and softness inside me and my passions do not want her to be away from me so my love you are the sole part of my spirit and I found you in my life when I am alone and need a friend like you to share my feelings, emotions, grief and happiness. And I never knew when I went asleep. At around midnight my phone banged loudly waking me up in the flooded light which I had forgot to switch off. Yes I said in a drowsy voice.

Hey! You sleep. I am sorry I woke you up. She grinned. The moment I listened her voice I awakened like Ive never slept. Amber, is it youmy pleasure, what the hell are you doing at this hour of night. I asked her in pretended snobby voice. I just want to thank you for coming to see me. She said in ringing voice. OAmber, you just called me to tell this, and secondly who told you, I have come to see you. I was hiding my bliss in a sleepy voice. You are the only one, I have chosen to share my soul, and you never knew it Ali. She said in a loving tone. The moment I have seen you, I never knew that so quickly you will come into my life and conquer me so powerfully. You know I have been studying in the female medical college and all my roommate girls in the college wanted me to be their friend. But I was the not that kind of girl who slide over to one after one in friendship. She was telling me about her and I knew, she was right, as I knew her family. She is the kind of girl who can slap on someones face if she is mocked by mistake even. I could not understand so far, beyond my own willingness to be closer to her, that I have got so eye-catching personality for the opposite sex. I sometime recall when my mother used to say to her friends about me that I have a charisma for the opposite sex and all the world would be knowing how my son gets the most beautiful lady in his life. Amber, would you mind, if I sleep now I begged her pardon. Yes my Lord, you can sleep now with this order to come into my dreams, I too going to sleep. She said cheerily and hung up the phone. I put the cradle on the set and got up to switch off the lights to sleep.

I woke up though very early in the morning, but remained in my bed. I switched on the televisions some channel and was trying to make me at ease listening music. I saw towards the door and noticed a newspaper was lying on the floor inside. I picked it up and sat on the bed to scan the newspaper. Its hardly about nine and I was expecting Amber at little late morning. Suddenly door bell rang up and scared me. I corrected my gown and opened the door. There was a hotels waitress asking me to dress up the room. No thanks. I replied and closed the door. The door bell rang up again. Its open please comes in. I yelled.

I saw Amber comes in with innocent smiling face, a graceful personality wearing stylish trouser and embroidered shirt hanging a purse on her shoulder giving look of a model. Hi, she said smilingly. My Lord Ali welcomes his guest of honour. I said and made her comfortable to sit on sofa and ordered room service for two cups of cream coffee with some cookies. Why didnt you ask me before placing order? I am hungry and have not even taken my breakfast. She said. Sorry, you starving girl, you should have stopped me while I was ordering it. I said. I picked up the phone again and cancelled my order for coffee. So, do you want us to go downstairs and have breakfast together. This hotel has a beautiful caf in the lobby with Buffet breakfast till ten O clocks. Thats would be fine. She nodded in agreement. Ok, then give me couple of minutes to get me ready, I said and hurriedly entered the bathroom. Soon we were downstairs and a waitress ushered us to a reserved table for the breakfast. The caf was jam-packed and breakfast was definitely excellent and we both enjoyed it, sitting there for at least one hour, when suddenly we both realized that we were the only guests left in the caf. We saw each other and got up. I signed up the bill and moved towards lobby. Yes Amber, what to do now, do you have some plans in your mind, I asked Amber smilingly. Not certainly, but what about your meeting, she asked me. Yes, it is there, Ill have to call them half an hour before I could be available to them. I replied. Then, I think, its better you attend your meeting and well meet in the early evening. I may go to my hospital and do some work, if you like. Yes I think its a better idea. I replied. We met in the evening again and had a long drive talking much about us. I observed she didnt know anything about my matrimonial life; rather she gave her understanding of mine a successful man doing the best for my family and profession and rose to such a respectable position by my hard work, enthusiasm and dedication. That was true so far we both, I mean my wife and me have not hinted any sort of progressed separation to the outside world.

We had an early dinner together and I dropped her in the hospital where she had her call-on night duty for next thirty hours.

During my visit I developed a lot of admiration and thoughtfulness about her. She is kind of girl who can walk in each sphere of the life confidently with her companion. She had a poetic mind and insightful approach towards life besides her qualitative approach to her profession. She had a natural instinct to be a doctor, a kind hearted and passionate towards poor people. The last night I spent in, meeting with my old friends and came back to my room late, where I found a message from Amber wishing me best of luck. I called her back and we talked almost an hour and before I get leave to hang up my phone I was fully convinced that Amber is made for meand I cant live more without her. Amber can I say something to you? I whispered over phone. Yes Ali, whats it, She paused for a moment. Nothing dear, I just wanted to say thank you for your company and hospitality. I sounded like I am speaking from a cave so I resisted myself to speak more. Say what you wanted toShe said firmly and took a deep breath on the line. I paused for a couple of seconds on the line and she spoke again, Hey are you Ok. Yes Amber I am fine, I dont have courage to say it to you. I said in quiver voice. Oh, please come on Ali, if you think, its not worthy to say so please dont say. She said intrepidly. I think its time to go to sleep Amber, Tomorrow morning I am leaving and well be in touch hopefully. I said in calm voice and we said each other goodbye and hung up the phone. The moment I hung up the phone I said loudly... Amber I love you, didnt you know it. A voice came into my ears Yes I know it and already said to you Ali I love you. I never had a thought that you wont say it to me. You should have responded me as you know you too love me. I replied in my thoughts... Amber, Yes I love you, but you know I am an unfortunate person, I dont have courage to say it to someone I am scared. Please come to me and hold me into your arms. I need you. PleaseAmber, come and hold me I am lonely; I need your love and warmth. I cried loudly and could not stop my tears flow on my cheeks as rivers have come into my eyes. I was so psychologically pursuit of my emotions; I saw on the glazed window of the room and wanted to jump outside from the seventh storey of the hotel and finish my life. Perhaps Id convinced inside me that I am stained and have lost my paradise which I was trying to build with my family. My illusions emerged with a great sign of my own rejection by my wife has led me to this phase, and at the same time my wish to be loved has taken me to the heights of my emotions.

Suddenly I saw my youngest daughters lovely face. She was standing before me and calling me in her innocent voice. PapaI love you more than anything. I am your love. Please come to my arms, I will hold you. Please dont go away from me. She continued Papa I need you and your love and I am with you. If anything happened to you, I may die. I need my life papa, so please dont go. Yes my dear my loveI am here with you. I am not going anywhere. I screamed in the darkness and pulled a pillow on my side and rolled down on the floor. Id never experienced such an emotional turmoil stormed in my mind. I just sat there for hours and hours sobbing till I went asleep. Next morning I woke up on a call from the reception. The desk clerk was asking me that my van is ready to pick me up for the airport and if I become late, I may lose my flight. Oh, my God, no, no, I am just coming downstairs, hold it on. I said hurriedly and pushed my belongings in my suitcase and appeared in the lobby within a couple of minutes. It was half an hour drive for the airport. On my way I tried to contact Amber on her mobile. It was off. After getting my briefing at the check-in counter of the airline, I entered in the departure lounge and found a place to have a cup of tea. I heard a thin sound of phone bell and thought it was some ones else. Then it again rang up and I realized it was mine. Hello I said in low voice. Hi its me Amber, where are you, she asked. I am at the airport, almost ready for departure, I said. Ali Are you angry with me? I have seen a terrible dream last night. She said in distress. Oh, I am sorry, I should not do that but I didnt want to scare you. I said teasingly. No Ali, it wasnt you, it was about us both of us. she said anxiously. What was it I asked. No I wont tell you. If a bad dream is said, it comes true. Ali is it possible you change your plan and dont go today. I could not sleep whole night. Once I picked up the phone to call you but then I thought you might be tired and taking sound sleep, so I didnt bother you, but I remain wake till morning. She looked very perturbed. Hush after ten minutes, we are boarding and how it could be possible for me to drop my plan. I told her. Listen Amberits better now for you to let me go and pray for both of us. I tried to make her calm. Alright Ali please go, my prayers are for you, she said in depressing voice.

Ay dont be so depressed otherwise Ill be more depressed than you, and you know it. And one thing more Amber I paused and said I love you. I could imagine she perhaps jumped out from her seat the way she has exclaimed in joy I heard on my set. Ali I love you too, she said excitedly. We were talking and in the back ground an announcement emerged on the speakers of the lounge. I asked Amber to hold on, and tried to listen it carefully. It was a message from the airline that due to technical fault, the flight 313 was not embarking; the passengers are requested to get in touch with the airline staff. The flight may be delayed for hours. Hi Amber did you hear the announcement. I asked. Not clearly she said, what they say now? Flight is delayed on technical grounds for hours It was my turn to exclaim. Wonderful Ali, stay calm, I am coming to pick you up. She said and the line went off. She didnt take much time to reach Airport and I found her looking for me in the rush hours outside in the parking lot. Hey come with me. Well sit in the cafeteria of the airport and have a good breakfast. Do you feel hungry? I asked her. Yes me too feeling hungry. Lets go and we entered in the caf of the airport. We sat there for two hours, when we heard again an announcement which was asking passengers of the flight 313 to proceed in the aircraft. Technical fault was removed; and so on the technical confusion between two love birds has also vanished. We both were happiest than ever and enthralling each others hand did not notice anybody around us. Hello Ali, suddenly a female voice came into my ears from my back. I turned around and saw Noshi a friend of Sofia was standing there with her husband with smiling face. Hello Noshi, I responded her and I shook hand with her husband who was a total nut as I knew him from the early days when Noshi had been marrying with this guy. I never liked both of them, but she was best friend of my wife so sometime I had to bear her. Before I could introduce Amber with them, Noshi spoke with taunting voice Ali wont you introduce this beautiful lady with us. I, for one moment, thought do not introduce Amber with them, but I knew that would become a huge scandal.

She is Amber, a good friend of mine she works here in the hospital. I introduced her in a very passionate manner. She is a Doctor, I know her Noshi gave her statement instead of asking more questions. How do you know her? I asked furiously. Sofia used to talk about her. She praises her very much, she continued. I knew she was lying in her later statement but kept silent. What can I do for you both? My flight is announced. I asked as if I was begging them leave. Sure. She smiled and shook hand with the Amber. Nice meeting you. But we have some reservation, Ali, you were here and you didnt inform us. Ill complain with Sofia. She said smilingly. Sure youve the right, but it was my official tour and I didnt have much time to socialize, I said simply. Ok Noshi bye, I turned towards Amber ending our talk with Noshi and her husband. Bye, Ali both said almost in one voice and went away. Oh, my God, where these nuts have been hiding. I said wrathfully. Ali Are you scared? Amber said hesitantly. No dear, I am not scared but obviously theyll do hell to exaggerate the situation. I said in calm voice. Dont worry I am with you. Amber said receptively. Just forget them darling, I whispered bending on her. Today is ours just forget the tomorrow I continued. I grabbed her hands into mine and pulled her towards me while walking away from the place where we were talking with Noshi. Before I could get into the departure lounge, I looked into the eyes of Amber; all my hidden emotions came onto my face as I wanted to say something to Amber. I never knew how I managed my strength to restore and said goodbye to Amber in the outer lounge embracing her tightly whispering I love you in her ears without taking notice of the people watching us. She looked triumphantly at me as she has conquered me finally. She was happier than ever. Her face blushed up with some inner pleasure and touch of class appeared in her beautiful eyes. I didnt know the magic of these three words which I whispered in her ears could have been pursuant so powerfully, but certainly I could imagine the victory of love has taken her up in the skies.

She held my hand into hers and kissed on it and walked away to her car without saying a single word.

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RISING MOON Tenth night What matters if the words be said? The license paid-They are not wed; Unless love links each heart to heart, Twere better keep those lives apart. Cheiro.

It was nine in the evening when I came back from my office. It was a tiring and an absolute disgusting day. I went straight to my room and put off my shoes and went into my dressing for change and fresh up. There was complete silence in the lounge when I entered back wiping my face with a handy towel and loudly call-out for tea. I sank into my favourite seat of sofa and switched on the TV. Hey is someone home? I yelled again. Yesall home, what do you need? Sofia said in strange voice. I need tea but whats wrong? I frowned. Nothing specialits none of your business, she spoke hurriedly and went to the kitchen. I sank more in the sofa and was trying to understand whats happening around. I had a nature whenever I get something offending me, instead of offering immediate re-action to the person; I strive to dig the truth behind so that if I was wrong I could make myself correct or more elaborative and expressive to justify myself or make immediate excuse to close the discussion. So I preferred to talk with Sofia and sat silent waiting for her to come back. Holding a cup of tea she came back and I asked her to sit down. I feel Sofia you are off. Is anything wrong or did I do some mistake? I asked her. No you didnt do anything wrong, Its me who has done wrong and married you. It was my big mistake but now I would not allow you to do more harm to me and my children. Hey would you please tell me what made you to talk like this. I asked her irately. Better you notice your own actions; I am not supposed to tell you everything. She replied. So then what do you say if you have something wrong in your mind, I had already got the idea what she was trying to emphasize upon me in between the lines.

Look Sofia I dont think its anything to do with my family life. Id always been kind with you and my children. None on earth perhaps that takes care of you so much than mine. What happiness Id not brought to your footsteps. I calmly said. Its your duty youre supposed to do all this. Nothing special youre favouring us. She shouted. Ok , if its question of rights and duties, then many things I could quote you, but just forget the rights and duties and make our familys life happy ignoring petty things which absolutely not hampering you or our family life. I was still calm. What else duty do you want me to do Id spoiled my life for the sake of your children and this house. All the day I d been working to upkeep your house and timely meals for your children. She spoke harshly. Please stop it Sofia this house is not mine and secondly these children are not mines only. I lost my temper. It all belongs to us and its our family. Its all our and if you wish to distinguish things like that then it would be difficult for both of us. Weve been discussing this point earlier too and you were later understood the things that you were wrong. Its only your behaviour which have ultimately making vacuum in my heart... Dont you understand this? I own you and your respect. I provided you security and shelter, a good house, a comfortable living, we socialize in the society. You are respected to be my wife in the people. I take care of you personally and your needs as well. What I need personally to reciprocate by you is only love, which I lack miserably. I exploded. And still you think I am unfair, better you suggest the solution. I continued. She, I think, had taken thoughtfulness on this issue and was somehow determined. You better leave this house She snarled. Ill see how you live without me. She continued. One day you will come back and beg for mercy. I was stunned. A great challenge to live without her, so I accepted it. Fine, if this is your decision, Ill do that and soon leave this house. I replied.

Time did not give me much opportunity to think over this issue and within a couple of days I was asked by my company to leave for another city for a special assignment. I rang one of my friends there and asked him to make some arrangements for my boarding/lodging. The last night I spent in my house was terrible. I could not sleep for a single minute. Emotionally distressed drowned in my thoughts, looking behind my life, sharing my love and affection with the family and above all my ambitions for my children are just coming before my eyes. Some time I felt its a total hogwash created by Sofia and then suddenly I felt its nonsense on my part even.

I was standing on the crossroad. The future looked me opaque, but the onslaught perhaps unbearable in my genes. Now its matter of prestige, I should have not shown me feeble in the circumstances.

Early in the morning I got up and put my luggage in the car. Sofia was too awaked up early and made breakfast for me whom I didnt touch. We sat together for a couple of minutes but remained silent. I think we both were talking in our minds but didnt utter a single word. The time has come to depart. I knew it that once this type of separation took place effectively; the ways are closed to come back for either of the side. The moment I took up my handbag to say goodbye I saw Sofia was crying inaudibly holding her neck bend watching the floor. I said goodbye in a lean voice to Sofia and went into the bedroom where kids were still sleeping ignorant of their destiny and hopes. I kissed them turn by turn and left the house without seeing back to Sofia. I didnt want her to see tears in my own eyes. It looked me that another era of my life has ended. A man in search of truthful love and adore remain in agony all the time. This is what the truth was?

________

RISING MOON Eleventh night

More strange than true, I never may believe, These antic fables, not these fairy toys. Lovers and madmen have such seething brains, Such shaping fantasies, that apprehend More than cool reasons ever comprehend. The lunatic, the lover and the poet, Are of imagination all compact. One sees more devils than vast hell can hold: That is the madman. The lover, all as frantic, Sees Helens beauty in a brow of Egypt. The poets eye, in a fine frenzy rolling, Doth glance from heaven to earth, from earth to heaven; Shakespeare.

Asad was almost flat on the footpath just opposite the superstore, the bag he was holding had been torn-out and everything has scattered on the roadside. In fact while he was trying to step down outside the superstore, some young scoundrel tried to snatch his shopper but could not be succeeded just because of Asads strong grip on the shopper. I ran towards Asad and pulled him up to stand on his foot. Some people were laughing on him and some of the by-passers have stopped gazing the scene and were asking about the incident. Hey, are you ok? I asked Asad. Yes I am fine, you please pick up the things from the footpath otherwise people will be taking it away. He asked me frantically. No problem, you just dont worry. Ill do it. I replied and gathered all the bounties, trimmings and small posters etc from the footpath and steps of supermarket. Nearby people also helped me to fetch scattered items. Soon after we were back home and both were laughing on the incident. I think this welcome would cost you much. Asad said smilingly.

Asad listen, she is coming first time to visit me. Do you think I should not celebrate her birthday, which incidentally is on the same day she is arriving here? I told him Sure, darling, youve all the rights to celebrate her birthday. He replied laughingly. But whats my next role. He continued. Nothing, your role is almost finished. Tonight Ill write all card-board papers with welcoming notes and clip them on the walls bordered by the bounties. Tomorrow youll see its another kind of lounge. I smiled. See you tomorrow, if I get time. I told him smilingly. Shit that mean, I am not invited in birthday party. He questioned. Stupid do you think so? I laughed. No I also dont want to be a crow between two love birds. Asad said smilingly. Asad was one of my old good friends living in the city and after settled his marriage he preferred to live here where his wife belonged to. He was the kind of friend that I didnt hide anything from him. He knew all my family affairs and my personal life since ages. At least I knew one thing.

There is a risk involved in everything Every time you share a smile, Every time you share a tear, You are opening yourself up to hurt. Some people tread slowly through life, Avoiding the closeness risk brings, Sidestepping the things they cant understand, Turning away from those who care too much, Those who care too long, Those who hold too tightly. There is never an easy way to love. You cannot approach it cautiously. It will not wait for you to arm yourself. It does not care if you turn away. It is everywhere, it is everything. Love is the greatest of all risks. It is not reliable, it is not cautious, It is not sympathetic. It is unprejudiced and unmerciful.

It strikes the strongest of mind. And brings them to their knees in one blow.

Even in the best of times, love hurts. It hurts to need, it hurts to belong. It hurts to be the other part of someone else, Without either of your consent, But from the moment it overtakes you, It hurts worse to be alone. Loving you today, Glad we took the risk. I knew it, she is coming and things could be worst of time and may the greatest of the lifetime. One thing I had in mind if she was coming with the consent of her heart she is welcomed and if she was coming by her mind to think it works or not then things could have been indistinct and terrible in my life. Whole of my night went of thinking these questions and I could not find any answer to my thoughts while decorating the whole house to welcome her. Next morning I went to the airport to receive Amber. She had confirmed her flight. The flight was on time and I was waiting in the outer lounge to receive her. The passengers were strolling outside pulling their trolleys. My eyes were searching a face I loved to the height of life. I was excited and a little nervous. She was coming out carrying her bag on her shoulder, a beautiful innocent face smiling and full of enthusiasm with searching eyes. She looked like a princess strolling on roses trail to meet her wished hero to embrace her existence. I couldnt still forget those moments when she reached to me and we saw each other for couple of seconds and then hugged with all the affection and tears in our eyes. Perhaps these tears belong to the moments which wed owed to the nature. I showed her way to the parking holding her hand into mine. We were happiest on earth to see each other and eyes were not even blinked to lose the fraction of second watch faces. How the journey was? I asked her. It was very interesting indeed. She replied. An old man sitting beside me was too talkative, he took my whole interview. She continued. What you told him about you. I inquired. Nothing but I am a doctor and going to see my fianc. She replied smilingly.

We sat in the car and I drove it away to exit the parking and on my way back to home, I kissed her on her hand and said. Thank you Amber for coming, hopefully youve taken this step by your mind and heart both. No, Ali, its just a decision of my heart, but my mind could not resist it. So dont take it so serious and lets try to make our life beautiful by giving each other love and affection. She said in firm voice. We reached at the apartment. It was a pent house flat on the second last storey of the building. A beautiful two bed room apartment belonged to my friend who had already furnished it aesthetically. From the west sides big window, you can enjoy the sea surfing on the shore. It was a marvellous beach side not much crowded with the people. When I opened the door of the apartment and ushered Amber to come in. She had a pleasant surprise to see the interior dcor of the lounge. Skilfully I had spent whole night to embellish it with cards, posters and welcome notes, I could find to show my impulsive love to welcome her. She was so happy that could not stand to her feet and just fell on me embracing me to lose my balance and we both fell on the sofa grabbing each other. So you have managed my welcome to turn into my wedding. She said pleasingly. No, no its not like that its just a symbolic way to substantiate my love to you on your birthday. I said smilingly. Its beautiful Ali, I like it and I love you more than that. Amber said in dreamed voice. Id wished to my God to give me a loving soul mate and I found it. She was still in her fantasies. Aye, now its real, please comes out of this illusion. I smiled and politely held her hand into mine. We shared our feelings and emotions. We sat there for a couple of hours in the lounge and celebrated her birthday. Cutting of cake and presentation of gifts exchange was shot by me. She looked gorgeous. I complemented her. Then we decided to get up. It was almost evening. We roamed the city and beach till late night. In the meantime we had meal in a Chinese restaurant on the beach. We both wanted to spend each and every minute together as long she was here.

Next day she was proceeding back. I got her reservation. She was so pleased the way I managed her time in the city. When we reached home, she sat over the coach and sighed. Was not it a beautiful evening we spent together? She said holding my hand into her.

Yes dear, it was an excellent evening I ever had in my life. I said smilingly and I hold her in my arms with the excitement. I never found myself happier than this moment. I showed up her bedroom and she went inside with her bag and returned back immediately. Did you rent this? No, dear, just relax and go to sleep. See you tomorrow. She said goodnight and went inside and locked the door.

On the next morning she woke-up on my knock on her door. Her face and eyes were telling me that she had not been sleeping. Hey, you seem upset, didnt you sleep well. I asked her. Yes I could not sleep at all. Perhaps the new place and future plans she said in drowsy voice. Oh what are new future plans you are making alone yourself? I asked smilingly. Not exactly I know myself, but its my professional career. She replied thoughtfully. I intend to go for further studies. She continued. What do you think, is it fine for me to do further studies or finish it here and joins some organization to serve people? Yes I think its a big question mark lets think it over breakfast, which I just prepared and its waiting to be justified. I said softly. Oh, why did you make it, why didnt you ask me to do it? She imitated displeasure in her eyes. Come on, just forget who did it, and just remember to do justice with it. I said with a smile. Over breakfast we talked a lot about her career and then I asked her to pack up so that I could drop her in time at the airport. On my way to airport wed to take a stopover at a hospital where Asad was serving since very long. In fact I had in mind to make up her wits to do further studies, but I dont want her to simply oblige my decision. I was of the opinion that if she intends to do further studies, she should take her own decision as to comply it with devotion at a later stage. I knew further studies meant her post graduation and it meant another four years she had to undergo for hectic training as Registrar with lots of work and studies in the hospital of her choice. It was not an easy task thats why I wanted to take her own decision after having visit of this big hospital equipped with senior consultants, so she should be induced her with the professional influence.

We took a little stopover at the hospital. Asad whom Id informed earlier was waiting for us on the driveway of the hospital. We spent a couple of minutes in his office and then we roamed all over the hospital. Since this hospital was managed by some foreigners. She was really impressed to see this type of hospital. Its working and management was discussed with Asad. She was amazed to listen all about doctors working here and when we said goodbye to Asad, she immediately said to me. Look, Ali, its now my decision, I will go for further studies. She said in firm voice. Ok, ok, take it easy I said if I am not on her side. Have thoughtfulness over this issue. Its a still a lot of time to start your next plan. I mean you should have an absolute loud thinking over this issue and once you decide, then no way to come back. But I know this would be very tiring job for you. Can you do that? Yes I can do it, what do you think am I not able to do that or dont I have competence to acquire it? She said loudly. Thats what I wanted her to say. No, no darling, I dont mean it. I was just trying to give you strength, if you want to do it, then think over it and once decided do it. I said encouragingly. Yes thats the encouragement I do need from you Ali. If you are with me I can do it. She said excitedly. Yes my sweet heart I am with you rest of my life. Now if you have decided, please do it. And tell me what to do for you. I asked her putting her hand on my lap to show my enthusiasm and cut a road turn sharply. She suddenly loosened her balance and fell on me. Now you understand it naughty girl. We both laughed. We reached to the airport. I parked the car and stepped out holding her bag. She looked delighted but lost. Hey, whats up in your mind? I asked her. No, Ali, I am just thinking how could be possible for us to remain together for rest of our life. You have your own family and kids. I dont want to spoil their lives. Yet I cannot want to lose you, your love and affection. She moaned. Yes darling, I know it, but we would be able to do something. Leave it for the time to deal with the people by itself. Now look, dont be dismal and depressing. Its time to go. So be happy and let me see off you with your smiled face and enchanting eyes. I said leaning towards her. I love you darling. I whispered in her ear pulling her towards me. We hugged in the outside lobby of the airport and said goodbye to each other. I wished her safe journey and she turned around holding tears in her eyes.

Listen she turned and looked at me, Dont forget to call me once you land safely. I said loudly. She nodded with smile and went inside the departure lounge. I stood there until she disappeared from my sight. I came back to the outer cafeteria and asked for a cup of tea. I dont remember how many cups of tea Id and smoked almost half pack, until my cell rang up. I saw on the screen. It was she. Oh, thanks God. I am still here on the airport, perhaps the flight has delayed. I thought and switched-on my cell and said, Hello Amber is it ok? I asked. Yes its fine, we have landed and I am coming out of the airport on my way to home. She said cheerfully. Great, isnt so quickly you reached. Ali, I miss you and love you. Where are you she continued. Darling I am still on the airport I replied. You stupid, what are you doing on the airport. She asked agitatedly. Nothing, I was having tea and lost in my thoughts. I said in lean voice. Ok, now its fine, I stood up from my chair and said, I am now going back. You please dont worry. Ill call you in the night. Goodbye I said and switched off the cell.

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RISING MOON Twelfth Night

I find you charming Like the lotus flower, Which like the touch of a flowing breeze? Swings atop deep, blue waters, Keeping its glowing white face above, Adorned with azure lips, Sprinkled with dew drops. Its moist, fresh existence Glows with radiance, Making the eyes glimmer And look full of zest for life. Hasan Abid

The next day Asad came to my flat early in the morning. It was surprise visit by him. I was not even up. I unlocked the door and ushered him into the lounge. Asad, is it all ok? You instead going to your hospital seen here I was a little worried. No, no, its all ok with me. Today was my off, I thought I should pay a visit to you. He said as usual with a smile. You looked so scared to see me. He asked. No, man, its all ok, since you have not ever visited like this. I was worried not scared. I replied. Has Amber gone back He asked blinking his eye. Yes I answered the same way. How was her visit he seems me intriguing. It was a fine visit, we chat a lot and she was so happy I ever seen in her life. Did you propose her He asked. It was a direct question and I was not prepared, but still being friend, hed got the right to ask me. I thought. No, I didnt. I replied.

Then what was her purpose of visit? He smiled. Nothing. She wanted to see me and plan her professional career besides to get assurance of love. I smiled. I think the girl miserably lacks confidence and I tried my level best to build it besides my love adores her a lot. Did she talk about her marriage. Asad asked. No, she didnt talk on this issue. I said. Look, Ali, it is very important question right on this stage. Asad looked serious. You know she has come to you and wanted to get your assurance of love besides her future plans. She has completed her studies and the only task in her life is now to marry with some good guy and rest her life on his strong shoulders. You are slightly wrong here. I argued him. She is the type of girl who has a lot of ambitions about her own career. She is, indeed, I think, least interested in her marriage, instead, she was more concerned about her post graduation. She wanted to be a renowned doctor in her field. I have talked with her on this issue and she was interested to do her post graduation, thats why yesterday I brought her to your hospital to show her a different life. I want her to take her own decision on this issue. I dont want to force my decision on her about her career. Now she is fully convinced before she left for home. She has decided to do her post graduation. Then do you think was it the right time to talk with her about marriage? I continued. But one thing I know she would not have much support from her family go for further studies. I think they are more interested either in her job or to marry her with someone whom she dont know even. I said thoughtfully. Hum, You seem correct on this issue. But how could you go with her without marrying her. It is a Muslim society, our cultural demands and still your family would not allow you to have relationship with a girl like this. He said. Yes, Asad I understand fully. I know the repercussions of this relationship without any name. And its a sick society where we live. They would not bear it out. It would be unbelievable for everybody that a friendship with a female without having sex can exist. Sex is taken for granted in such type of relationship. Even I understand too that friendship of married person with a girl without sex was hard to believe. No one listen to me and we both will become victim of this offence, I mean friendship. Thats what I am trying to say. Asad thoughtfully said. I had no answer to it and get up to make tea for both of us. Did you have your breakfast? I am going to make some bread slice for me. I asked Asad. No thanks I have already taken my breakfast, I will just have tea. He replied.

I came back with two cups of tea and plate carrying bread slices. I sat grabbing a chair in front of Asad. So whats exactly in your mind? Asad, I need to hear it. I asked him sipping my tea. Nothing exactly, I dont know still what kind of relationship its going to be established between both of you. There are known modes of relationship in our society. If you deviate from them then you will have to face the consequences in terms of losing other relationships. Asad was talking sense I thought. Yes, I agree with you Asad, but at the same time I am convinced that a friendship without sex can be hold-on forever. It depends some day it turns into other relation but so far if you keep on holding your nerves and emotions in right direction, there is no embargo to keep this type of relationship in society. I stated in philosophical way. But as you said, its an ailing society, no one is so much broadminded and modernized here to stand with you like this. People keep eye on this type of relationship which are not announced. Another question may arise here that even people believe it on your side, even then on the girl side how her parents could do allow her to keep on with this relationship. It will certainly damage her personality and character in her professional life. He argued. You are right, I understand now, but what is the fate of our love and friendship. Moreover, I want her to be a successful doctor so that she could be able to take her own burden of life independently without the support of her spouse if at all it would exist in her life? I questioned. Thats the point and its hidden in her marriage only with you or someone else. He sighed. So you are suggesting that I should propose her as soon as possible. I asked. Not exactly as soon as possible, but you can discuss it with her. He answered. Oh, my God, life is tougher than I thought. I breathed deeply. Yes, it is! Asad smiled and relaxed on the chair. Whats your plan here He asked. I think I am being asked by me organization to move to Lahore on a special assignment in next few days. I dont know whether it is a permanent arrangements or just a time pass. I answered. Then nature is supporting you in its way He laughed. I am of the same opinion I said.

In next few days I got my transfer order on a placement over a new assignment in Lahore on permanent basis. I informed Amber about this and she was excited to see me in Lahore.

In the same time I was constant in-touch with the kids and looked after them. Some time my call was responded by Sofia herself, but never talked on the issue, just about the upkeep of the house and their usual needs to comply with. The gulf was widening more and more by the passage of time between me and Sofia. It was like a lotus floating on the surface of small lake and flow of water makes some flowers nearer and some faraway. She had a great shrewdness of her prestige and arrogance so do I.

In next couple of months I took myself settling in my office and got small apartment in a local neighbourhood. Amber used to give much time to me and arranged all the necessities which were needed for a house. She used to give me her offs from the hospital. She had joined a good hospital and had started her training for post graduation. Most of the times, she kept occupied in night duties. It was hectic time for her I knew it but I didnt bother her much to attend me. From her close association with me, I realized that she was an absolute balanced girl. Never gave chance to choose a different opinion in routine matters. Neither she imparted any advice on me in my personal matters nor did she give me a chance to be provocative in normal life. Shed a great sense of living standards besides to keep relationship alive with all those who are associated with her in any manner. We were having great time, eating, lot of gossips, outing, long drives etc. Some time I used to pick her up from hospital and drop at her at the corner of her house. I didnt want anybody in her home to see me dropping her. I didnt know why she ever avoided me to drop her on her door step. We used to spend a couple of hours in between in her duty shifts in the evening in some park. I normally use to share my office activities with her and she used to tell me about her colleagues, their behaviour and attitude. Often she took my advice on her hospital issues and used to tell me about its positive results afterwards. Some time I feel it was a friendship like close association of a girl with her teacher. One day we were having a break in a deserted restaurant after having a long drive. The weather was quite hot and there were no sign of clouds or rain. It was Sunday and we had not planned much to pass it. So impromptu we chose a cool air-conditioned restaurant and sat there to kill the time. She asked me about Asad and his activities in the hospital. I told her how excellent he is doing in that hospital, making all the doctors and nurses turn into English culture through his linguistic abilities. I told her that Asad is one of the top few persons available in Pakistan who had command in English as foreign language. His recent doctorate from UK has given him a lot of support in this hospital and presently he is heading English Department and teaching English to the professional people all around the world. His papers are read by the linguistic world with interest. I never knew he is so educated person, but he has got very simple personality. She said interestingly. Look Amber, whose friend is he? I pointed my finger on my chest with a smile and we both laughed.

And listen at the same time he is very clear headed person. I told her. Do you know what he thinks about you? I asked her. Hey, tell me right away. She curiously asked. If you allow me to speak truth what he said about us, need a promise by you to hear without any prejudiced mind. I asked her. Yes, I promise But is it so repulsive? she said awkwardly. No, not at all, He likes you very much. He also commented you as beautiful lady and I think somehow he is jealous to see such a striking girl. I gave her little relief blinking my eye with a smile before I talk serious. She sighed and relaxed on the chair. But he does not appreciate our relationship without having known modes of its existence in the society. I continued. You know he is my best friend and he always used to say marvellous remarks about my personal life with friends and towards my family. He has also been very appreciative towards my professional life as well. He used to give my examples to others about my commitments in the life. He has seen me very happy in my life after you entered-in my personal life and he has remarked it, but he says how could we walk together whole of life in this manner. I said in stumpy voice. So he didnt like our friendship. She said abruptly. I dont think so; he likes our friendship very much and appreciates our love for each other. He thinks you are the right girl for me to go for whole of life. He adores your understanding towards life. I said firmly. But his point was to keep this relationship in a manner which is acceptable to all, he means society and there was only one way he thought, we should marry immediately to stamp this relationship. I elucidated her. For a couple of minutes she fell in deep thoughtfulness leaning back on the chair. Amber did you mind what I said I asked her. No, no, you believe me this is what I am thinking since last many weeks. I think he is right. Now frankly Ali, I need your support on the question. What is your own personal opinion on this issue? She looks confused. Ill give you my opinion very truly, Amber whether you mind or become stray to me. I said smilingly and cleared the bill and nodded her to move.

We came outside the restaurant and settled inside the car. I switched on the ignition and gave full throttle to drive it fast crossing the road lines approaching main road in a thrilling manner. Hey, is it okay with you? She scared for a while. Suddenly I saw flower shop on the left side of the road and turned my car without looking into rear view mirror on the left side. Another car was approaching me from the same side. The cars driver was not expecting me to turn so sharply on the left side but anyhow he managed to stop his car putting full brakes with skating noise of tyres on the road and by-passers saw both of our cars who escaped a big accident. Amber and I got bold jerks. I quickly stop the car and jumped outside and went straight to flower shop without looking the man on the road who was perhaps abusing me on my non-sense driving. I bought a beautiful bouquet of red roses and came back in the car. She looked amazed and was smiling when she saw me holding a roses bouquet. Amber, this is for you. Please accept it. I am sorry for my rash driving but it was not my fault, my mind was racing faster than my car and I was trying to reach on my decision which now I tend to announce. You know how much I love you, and this is the time I should acknowledge your love as well towards me. You have given me a new life, I was dreadfully broken in my heart since many years. You know Sofia was a woman who does not know the way to stand by her husband. Although I married her and got kids from her but at the same time I could not make her mine despite my many years efforts by compromising on each issue by me only, even though she could not adjust with me mentally. She is the type of woman who just needs a spouse to satisfy the society and surrounding people to show her good living without any concern about her husband and his career development. Some time she looks me a maid in the house, neither used her mind on the petty decisions nor does her participation in routine matters reflect any intelligence. Most of the time kids waiting for me to give them my decisions in normal things where as a mother she should have taken much earlier decision managing time factor. In my opinion she is supposed to pass on all the necessary confidence to her kids which ought to derive from the mother. That was basic privilege of kids to live in this world. I always used to avoid indulging in housekeeping type work. So I asked her to be my wife and stand with me instead of doing all this non-sense what is got to be done by a paid maid. Perhaps she didnt have such approach to understand me what I was trying to ask her. I knew she had lost her interest in me because now Ive stopped to listen her non-sense. She wanted me to sit by her side all the time and talk what she needs to live with. Amber, are you listening me? I asked Amber. Yes. She replied. It was very important, Amber, if I tell you what Id done for all of them since my marriage, you wouldnt believe it. One day I asked her that she should decide one thing. Was I more important in her life than her own brothers sisters for whom she keep ready to die all the time?

You know what she answered. This was shocking for me. She had flatly said. They are my family, they are my blood not you. It was the day when I decided deep inside my heart to leave her, but I could not do that just because of the kids. I didnt want to spoil my kids in the streets. I tried to pull on as I could, but you know she is kind of woman she did not accept her fault instead she argued and thought she was right. She was the kind of woman who was expert exploiting emotionally me on the basis of children. The moment I got her mind on this issue that now she is taking advantage of the kids to keep me at home on her terms, then I decided to leave her. I paused for moment and continued. This is not the proper time what I am saying to you Amber, but before I ask something from you, you should have an idea how my life was run miserable. I was talking and she was listening to me quietly without speaking or interrupting me. I continued. So Amber I just wished to pass a good life of my own with the girl like you, who understands me well, and can walk with me in every field of life, and give me support to raise my mental ability by providing peace of mind at home. You know my past and never objected on it. I am a married person and still you wanted to be with me. Is not it enough for me to understand your love? I think we can live together with a happy life. I am earning so much that can adequately run my children and you as well. I am able to bear the burden of life without any problem at least financially. And one thing more, darling I want to keep you happy. So I propose you right now. Will you marry me? I asked holding her shoulders bringing her closer to me. She was sobbing and held her head on my chest without uttering a single word. Darling its not time to cry, your closeness stimulate me and I think we should become one forever. I aided her to be calm wiping tears from her cheeks. Ali, I wished a day to come and someone who loves me and proposes me. She said in quiver voice.

She remained quiet for a couple of moments and then wiped out her eyes. Ali, I think we are too late. Should not we move and you better drop me in my hospital She suddenly controlled her emotions and asked me. I was stunned by her answer But what about I just said to you? You have not said anything in response. I asked hurriedly as this moment would come again

Look Ali, this is not proper time to answer you. I have lot of things on my mind, well discuss it more lately and then come to some conclusion. She said leaving a bleak hope for me, but on the face it was straight-away a sort of refusal. I got the idea and put my car into gear to drop her. It was like a sword which has been pricked into my heart. I felt so hurt that I could not control on my mind and once I thought I should have asked her to plunge out of my car instantly. Before she stepped out the car she kissed me on my cheek and cheerfully said. Dont be so silly, Ali. I am yours and will remain yours, but let the time come. She walked away and after a few steps she looked back on me and waved her hand to say goodbye to me and entered the main gate of the hospital. The next hour I was at home alone thinking what has gone wrong with me. Am I not trustworthy or my discussion about Sofia has contributed something in her mind or she is not willing at all to marry me? No answer to any of my question. I was almost paralyzed. I didnt know how I could stop my tears flowing out from my eyes like a thunderstorm. Life is much tougher than I thought. So many girls inclined to enter into my life I realized in the flashback of my mind and to all I refused, first came Zainab, then Janie and then Sotillana. All were mines. God had given me opportunity to choose one after one. I never did it. Then lastly Sofia by crux of the time came into my life. It was castigation by God about my dreadful refusals and to score my own whims, and now the time has come to face the refusal I said loudly, Ali, are you listening? Its your destiny try to read written on the wall. This girl could be yours but you would not be able to get her.

It was almost midnight my phone banged outOh, no, how is this? I murmured and picked up the phone. He was Zaheer my younger brother. Brother I am sorry perhaps I woke you up in this odd hour, but I just wanted to tell you mama is reaching tomorrow, better you receive her. She is alone and will come to you straight. Thats no problem Zaheer, you dont worry, Ill pick her up and would insist her to stay with me instead of her brothers home. Yes I think so He replied and again said Brother hope its all ok with you. Yes, sure I am fine. I said. But you seem me little perturb, is it all right there? I continued. Yes, yes. Here everything is fine; mama was much worried about you that are why she is coming to see you. Goodbye and good night Zaheer. Thanks for informing me. I said.

Goodbye and good night brother. He hung up the phone.

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RISING MOON Thirteenth night The beauty of morning lost in your quest. The night lamp that confounded darkness; That mad utterance made at the gallows; That handsome lad who loathed suicide; Who longed for seasons for the red lips. The season of madness on the eve of union. Hasan Abid.

The bell was constantly ringing and I ignored it. A couple of senior officers were sitting in my room having long discussions on some crackdown issue and at last someone among them picked up the phone from my side rack and said to me Sir, its from your home I looked at the clock hanging on the wall in front of me. It was almost eleven in the morning. They never called me at this time. Hello, yes dear its me. I recognized voice of my elder daughter. Papa, papa she said and started crying. Hey, whats up? I was worried, and looked-up on my colleagues and waved to off the meeting. Hold on darling call your mama, where is she? I want to talk with her I said to her and asked one of the officers sitting before me to keep on the plans we just approved. Ill keep in touch with you all. I cupped the mouthpiece of the phone and said goodbye to all of them. They all left my office hurriedly. Sofia came on the line and said, Hello. Yes, whats wrong with Sanam? I asked her. Nothing wrong with her, She is alright, but she is worried about Sunny. She said in quiver voice. What happened to him I asked worriedly. He is alright now at home, yesterday he met an accident, and someone tried to snatch his car. Sunny escaped the snatchers and raced the car and while turning a sharp curve on a railway crossing he hit his car with the electric pole on the roadside. What about the snatchers, were they following him? I asked. Yes they were but when they saw the accident they shot a fire on him and then run away, and luckily he escaped the bullet. A few by passers stopped on the scene and one of them recognized Sunny. He was his school fellow. He took him to the hospital and there from, he called us.

Oh, my God, at what time this happened. I asked her. I was losing my temper. It was almost in the evening and we were back after mid night at home. We have brought Sunny too. He is now alright, but he is suffering with pain. She said. I lost my temper and yelled. It happened last evening and you didnt bother to call me even when you brought him home. What made you stop to inform me about this accident? Nothing I thought you would be worried. Stop this non-sense, Sofia. Then why you are telling me now. You know well if youve told me about this incident in time, I could have fixed my flight to home. Now its over, its almost eleven in the morning and till day after tomorrow there is no flight, and even now I cant be able to catch train. Its too about to depart. You know its two days journey by road. You have seized me to wait here in agony for two long days which were so important for Sunny. I shouted on her and then suddenly I realized I am sitting in my office and my attendant was trying to see me through the door ajar. I controlled myself and said calmly. You just wanted to keep me away and show people that his father is least bothered to attend his son. Its the psyche you tried to imply on the people showing you are a distress lady living in misery just because of your husband. She kept quiet and I hanged up the phone. I called Raza one of my good friends living in the town and informed him about the incident and requested him until I reach back in the town, get the Sunny be checked from some good doctor. I told him the name of the doctor who was also my friend there. In the next few hours Raza reported me back about his injuries and the treatment which doctors suggested for Sunny. In the meantime I got my reservation and after one day I reached home to see my son. The accident was very drastic and God had helped Sunny to escape from the snatchers. There was no report to the police, nor did I. It was useless I thought. Anyway I remained home for couple of days and then on little recovery of Sunny I discussed the whole issue with Sunny and persuaded him to come along with me to Lahore. Ill get his admission there. Within next couple of days I left home and reported back to my office. Sunny was managing his shifting and reached Lahore within next couple of days.

Life was not going smooth at my office too. A couple of executives at Headquarter were not happy with me just because of their ill and mal-administration to which I was not becoming party to their whims.

One day an executive from HQ came to see my immediate boss who is overseeing head of Punjab and I was direct reportee to him. My boss Mr. Rana called me in his office and introduced me to him. I knew this executive hadnt good reputation, but still he was going successful with his flattering repute to accommodate seniors extract his own vested-interest. He was shrewd and tarnished executive. He showed me a couple of letters signed by me a few years back to accomplish a task which was originated by our CEO at that time. The said CEO had resigned our organization three years earlier and joined some multinational company abroad. Mr. Rana confronted those papers to me and asked me whether those have been signed by me. Yes, those were my signature. I accepted. I am afraid Ali, my boss said calmly, the high officials have found something wrong in it and they think a good amount of loss has been sustained by our company by taking wrong decision by you. Taking wrong decision by me? I was surprised to hear that. I dont think so, my signature no doubt had implemented the decision, but do you think who was I to take decision? It was the CEO and the executive committee who directed me to implement this decision. The visiting executive interrupted me immediately Do you have something to prove your story. Sir, excuse me, this is not a story. These are the facts which I am telling you. And secondly HQ must have the record of those minutes of meeting wherein it was approved by the committee and the CEO. Thirdly Id got his instruction in writing and it should have been in my previous office record. Look Mr. Ali, I have come all the long way to give you patient hearing and judge your position, but the facts were that weve already made an exclusive inquiry at HQ level and then it was referred to your previous place of posting and there have been no record at all in both offices. Oh, my God. I lowered my head and put hand on my forehead. Its unbelievable. I looked at Mr. Rana who seemed me too worried. Ok, then what to do sir. I asked visiting executive. The HQ has issued this letter addressed to you, and you are given three days to explain your position and submit its reply directly to Mr. Rana who would forward it to me for onward submission to Committee for their decision. He said straight forwardly and handed me over a sealed envelope.

And secondly you should have in mind that Committee has taking personal interest in this case and they have asked me to put the persons on task whosoever come within the ambit of this financial loss to the company. He added. That means Committee has already made up its mind to be discriminatory on this issue and you have come to me with prejudice mind as I am responsible to it. I said wrathfully. Its not like that, well give you full opportunity to defend your position and if you can, you may prove your elaborations by documents. Which as per your assertion, those are not available I sneered at him. Then you find it, if you can He replied in the same manner. Mr. Rana suddenly interrupted and asked me. Ali better you think over it and try to find out those documents which might save you now. You know its high level decision and probably Board of Directors are interesting to see the results. But at the same time I can assure you if you are innocent, there would be no harm to you or your career. He continued. But sir, you know me very well. I am working with you and you know my abilities and proficiency and besides this my dignity as well to take and carry out the decisions. I protested on the issue. He blinked his eye assuring me in agreement and nodded me to go back to my room and think over it. I came back to my room and thought whats going on. Its altogether a nonsense issue. I thought. Ali its going to be a disaster, unless you prove otherwise. Next day I rang-up one of my colleagues in my old office and asked him to favor me in this matter and requested him to provide me what so ever is available on the record on this case. He was kind enough and favoured me with a few documents after hectic search from the old record and files thrown somewhere in the junk. There were clear instructions on the papers from the Headquarters to carry out the decision. However all those papers were originated by me on the instructions of the local Overseeing Executive, remarks of which Id recorded on the papers? It was enough evidence to corroborate my contention. It took me several months rather about a year or so to make them believe that the decision was not taken by me. It was HQ decision which I implemented on their instruction. However after having a lot of exchange of views and meetings on this issue, finally the Executive Committee of my Company decided to offer me honourable quit from my services with all the benefits of my tenure served with the institute.

It was not good decision from my point of view but I decided to quit as I too had no intention to work with them under these circumstances.

I didnt know that this was beginning of an end of my professional life. Although it was a difficult decision of my life yet Id no other option even. So I took this decision as Gods will and immediately offered my consent to quit which they accepted instantly and within a couple of days I was standing outside of my company to which Id given my blood and youth to grow this plant to become a strong tree.

It was easier said than done type hard time for me to think over the new beginning of my life. I appreciate that in those days Amber gave me tremendous moral support to stand me in the crises in dignified manner. Rather she was all the time with me to pat on my shoulder to be a strong man to bear out this crisis. I cant ever forget her eyes full of tears to feel sympathy about me besides her love she demonstrated for me. But the things were changing rapidly and my stay at Lahore became meaningless. I didnt have reasons to go astray from my family until and unless I get job somewhere. Amber was silent on this crisis and has nothing to comment but normally she used to give me sympathetic and moral support.

One day I was watching a movie in the evening when my phone banged. I attended. It was Amber. Hey guy you home. I am coming to see you and well have dinner together. She said hurriedly and hung up without hearing my reply.

I got up from the sofa and switched off the television and went to the washroom to freshen up me before she arrives. The moment I changed my dress door bell was ringing. I went downstairs to open the door. She was standing there with smiling face and hugged me excitedly. I was little nervous and could not reciprocate the excitement, which she was expecting. Hey, what happened? Are you ok? she asked. Nothing happened, I am perfectly fine. I said and held her hand and brought her upstairs and offered to sit just near to me on the sofa. Which movie you were watching she asked. It was a just time passing. A Richard Geres movie. I replied.

Oh, man you always watching movies. she said nailing her finger into my rib. She was smiling. Man, now come out of these fantasies and thinks about your future. Thats what I was trying to do. I replied in the same manner. Dear, I was thinking to go back. She quickly responded. I think its the best solution for the time being; as myself is too involved in my training and now I am going to start my special sessions with the professors to get more learning, besides my theoretical studies would not give me much time to attend you. She said as shed already had in her mind the same solution. These words depressed me. I was thinking that perhaps she would say, dear please dont go, I will be left alone. She was a practical girl and knew her right direction to proceed with. So I kept quiet on her reply and silently said. Ok, so you give approval of my plans. Now onward I would not take much time to leave the city. I thought.

I feel it was my second rejection when she approved my plans instead of stopping me to go back. I was expecting she would have asked me to stay here and we would both manage to live together to run the life. It was very difficult for me to live without her and she is so practical that even she didnt ask me to have her company. Inside me a hurricane stormed and finally I thought before she asks me to leave the city. Its better for me to exile without saying a word on the issue. We went outside and had a dinner which I bought for her to the best of her choice. Most of the time I kept quiet during dinner and despite of her repeatedly asking me to be cheerful I could not be able to get out of my agony to be rejected twice. It was hard time again. I wont show my feelings to her, I decided. We ended up our meal and I asked her to get up and asked waiter to bill us. I think she wanted to spend more time with me and perhaps intended to go back to home to have some gossips, but I was totally off in my mood. So, on my way back I asked, where should I drop her? I mean at her hospital or her home. She was not prepared and asked me Hey, Ali, are you ok? I know this is tough decision to go back, but we have no other option. I dont know what made me suddenly forceful and I exploded like a bomb blasts... No dear, Amber we have lot of options but I preferred to make one which suits you, so I am leaving. Its not my exact intension, I am moving against my wishes. I want to keep myself near to you under the bad circumstances even; you know without you my life is nothing. I became emotional.

Yes, yes I know, but remember at the same time it was your obsession to make me consultant. Isnt it? she said softly. Unless I get time I would not be able to pass my exams. Didnt you know this? The argument was perfectly alright. Id no answer to her approach. Fine, darling now its decided and Ill go back whatsoever the circumstances exist here I would not let myself to make any hurdle between you and your studies. I know its difficult for you to give me ample time while youre studying. So sooner I get lost better it is. She held my hand into hers and I saw tears in her eyes pouring down on her cheeks. We kept silent until I dropped her at the hospital where she was on-call duty. We both shook hands and left silently. I dont know why I was kept on standing at her hospitals main gate after dropping her. She while entering into the main gate turned up saw at me and stepped back to me. Darling, I know you are disturbed with this decision, but try to understand the situation. I am yours and will remain yours. Is not it enough for you? She was right but those words seem me meaningless. At the same moment she is asking me to remain astray from her and the same time she is re-assuring me her love. Unbelievable, which version is truthful? I thought. It appeared me that I was in the middle of the ocean to decide to remain inside the sinking ship or jump out, result would be the same. So I preferred to jump out. Maybe one chance could save me from drowning. So I finally decided to go back.

Next morning I called up my ex-subordinate staff to come to help packing me up and within a couple of days I left without leaving a word to Amber.

________

RISING MOON Full Moon

When my feet sank into the mire of apathy, I abandoned them right there, Shoved under the bed, my journey and ramblings, scattered in the room and sat in the window, keeping count of colours of seasons going past, then my eyes were blinded with rods of barren, fruitless time and I knew that nothing worth seeing was left in the world. I shut the window; to keep my self alive sought the comforts of dreams, But dreams refused to replace hunger. So, taking them for piece of bread I knotted them tight around my stomach and lay down on the bed. Now I watch the rats, Who wait to snatch away these pieces? wait for me to fall asleep.

Javed Shaheen For me these were difficult moments to see back on the long seven years to be away from home. You may call it otherwise but for me it was just a house where such people live who had only economic interests with me. I missed them all, no doubt but all it was one way traffic. Sofia never called me once in the whole time I was away, either she has admitted the circumstances or she had her ego problem still to keep me away to satisfy her insider apathy. I was in such a state of mind that all the agony which I faced from her to become my best friend had failed and despite my efforts to keep her close before leaving home was futile. I must admit that woman is very difficult piece of human being.

There were two of the options were excruciating as I was a liberal and moderate person. I wanted to make my familys life on a comfortable base where I could stand in the harmonious conditions and play a pivotal role to take them all to share the privileges of the society where I command respect and honour. I had the philosophy that where I end up my life, from there my next generation should take horse bridle to build their future. But by my extreme efforts I couldnt be able to achieve that point rather I lost my own identity within the family. I dont blame my children, its very human and always depends how they are cherished with the benefits of the paternal love through a mother. I guess she had influenced children through massive communication which I lacked due to my own business affairs. In my case it was all in all conflicting I might even end up in the mind of my children who have perhaps taken me otherwise, had I been in a position to keep my communication.

Nevertheless, in my opinion, it was a temporary phase so I embraced my prime facie usual life and started struggling to earn for the family to live up a respected life in the society. I was confident that I would be able to keep the strings of hopes to bring the old life into mine and by putting some extra effort I will be able to bring my family life again. I knew that I was guiltless in my behaviour but all the mistakes of Sofia were forgiven by me in the depth of my heart. I thought even if Id committed a mistake so this is the time to rectify it and I become more humble and accommodative. I was back and they should now realize that I was really back with all my emotions and love to shower on them. In fact I had no other option even to proceed with so this was the best solution to take care of the responsibilities rest on my shoulders through my own judgment. But I was mistaken again because I started realizing that distance between us has enormously widened specially Sofia was not prepared to accept me in her normal life as perhaps she has taken it as a stern restriction on her liberties to be my wife on the face of it before the people. Her ego and insight was not allowing her to acknowledge me as member of the family. I apprehend that the vacuum was so much wide that healing to the so-called agony I gave her, would take much time to become shorter and only passage of time could make it repair. Also I blamed myself that might be I have not been prudent to understand Sofia and despite of the fact that the emerged distances between us should have not been tackled the way we should have done. So I was in process of making me understand to forget all the past and take her reaction as positive, thinking one day things would be alright and she would certainly understand her own faults and come back to her normal family life the way we wanted. Maybe its her rejection in vindictive emotions which created all this? So I held myself composed to perceive her response silently and despite of my own personality denial by her, I didnt show any reaction.

Time was taking usual pace. In the meantime I fell ill losing my health by a chronic ulcer developed inside me. On the other side negation of my own personality and repeated rejection, I experienced, did affect upon me a lot on my sound mind. Id become chain smoker and taken the society of such friends where everything was allowed to do away your catharsis but at the same time I had not lost my hopes to come back into my normal life. I tried to keep myself alive on the strength of my inherited will power. Throughout this period Amber had kept liaison with me over telephone often, but I had never told her whats going on my side. She had been thinking that I was passing my normal and happy life with my family. The amount of agony she could not have realized over telephone. On her side she had successfully made her post graduation and performing as Consultant in a renowned hospital. Her mother has made lot of efforts to find a good spouse for her but couldnt find so still she was single. One day Raza was sitting in my office when I received a call. Hello I said in low tone. It was Amber, Hi my smoker, how are you? Isnt ages have gone, we have not seen each other. She said in her usual pretended cheering voice. I am sure she was hiding something inside. Yes I think so, I shrugged. Raza sitting by me looked at me and guessed who is calling. Let me speak with her, he said excitedly. Who is in the room with you Amber asked suspected overhearing Raza voice. This is Raza, he is asking to talk with you I said softly. Oh, let me talk with you first, then Ill talk with him She said. Hey, she didnt want to talk with you I said to Raza teasingly. No problem, just ask her to be a wise girl and let you live your own life Raza said putting his hand on my shoulder to come close to the mouthpiece so that she could hear it. Dear, please dont listen to him, he is just witty you know how much he loves me, I said to Amber apologetically. Ali, I know him and you as well. He is not joking, what he said was his right to say, but I think, we should not talk such a sensitive issue over telephone. I called you to know your welfare and I am asking you to please come to me. I have to talk with you a lot. Is it possible for you to come to me? Are you ok Amber, I asked her worriedly.

Yes I am fine, things have been changed here. I thought to call you, but couldnt dare to. She lost her voice in tears. Ok, dear please dont cry. I would try to get you as soon as possible, leave some tears to scroll on my shoulder. I tried to make her smile. Ali I miss you, she responded sobbingly. I am waiting for you. I will be with you day after tomorrow I said confidently. And listen dont worry everything be alright. I am with you. I hung up the phone without hearing her.

In the next flight I landed at her city airport. Ive not informed Amber. I wanted to give her a surprise. I called her from the hotel. She was at home. Amber, its me. I whispered in mouthpiece. Oh, dear, have you reached? She asked in quiver voice. Whats up? When can we see each other? I think tomorrow early in the morning. I get up at seven and will be leaving home for duty at eight, so Ill try to take a stopover at your hotel before I join my roster at hospital. She said impassively. "Ok dear, well have breakfast together. She said ok and hung up the phone.

I took my dinner and came on the bed, thinking whats going on and went to sleep. I didnt know what I saw in my dreams but all I could remember afterwards in the morning that it was a frightful dream. I was running after Amber and she was trying to hide herself from me in a big forest and under the trees there were so many mushroom grown bushes that I could not see a trap set up to prey hunters and I suddenly fell into it. I was crying and yelling and calling Amber but she was not coming back to rescue me. That seemed me sweeping illusion of mine which perhaps repeated whole night. I get up early in the morning, recalling it. I was afraid she might not be coming because she might not have the courage to tell me whats going-on to happen with her. But one thing I was sure she has perhaps being pushed away from me, in what manner I didnt know.

I ordered for a cup of coffee so that I could at least be able to hear her. The coffee made me little better and opened my eyes. I saw myself in the mirror. I was looking horrible ogre, my face

stretched and seemed little swelled up by frightened dreams. I felt it was not a dream rather its going to happen with me in real life. Amid my thoughts I didnt know when I took shower and I get dressed. I put on the shirt which she liked most, combed my hair like a child and got myself ready as I was being placed before a princess who is going to select me as her legion. Inside me I was a scared man and externally I was pretending as I was a most causal person who always tried to remain light-hearted in the normal routine life by showing himself a carefree person. I didnt know but I was analyzing myself that this was the time I was being rejected finally. It was my gut feeling and I was trying to beat my feeling in my sub-conscious by pretending such body and physical gestures to satisfy my ego. Suddenly a doorbell awakened me from my day dreams. I got up and slowly opened the door. It was she, looking graceful as usual with her fashioned outfits. A smile on her face was sign of her inside compromise. I welcomed her and brought her in the room. Amber, howre you. I asked empathetically. Ali, I am fine. Thanks for coming. I am so grateful. I missed you a lot in these days. She said gently grabbing my hand. I was afraid, perhaps you may not come so early just because of your business there. No, once you said, I was supposed to come whether I was busy or not. I replied. Would you like to have breakfast? I asked her. Yes, I would like. I am feeling hungry. She smiled. Ok. Then you order yourself on room service whatever you like. We would have your choice today. I said smilingly. She ordered a brief continental breakfast and settled herself in the couch putting aside her shawl. She was beautiful as she always looked me. I noticed she had put-on some weight but still slim and slender. We did justice with the breakfast and holding cups of coffee sat face to face to hear each others stories. Yes, Amber now tell me whats going on. I asked softly. Nothing special except that I have been engaged in the last week and they are planning my wedding within a couple of days. She broke out the news. Who is this privileged person? I asked curiously. He is a doctor a bit senior to me. She told me. Oh, so you got your profession mate as your mother wished always. I smiled.

Do they have fixed the date of wedding? I inquired. Yes coming Sunday She sobbed. Congratulations both of you. I smiled hiding my emotions storming inside me, as I was almost expecting this. I felt cramps in my stomach but kept sitting serenely. So what are your plans? What a pity question, I thought, but I had nothing to talk on this issue with her. Nothing, what usual happens in weddings. She had starless eyes. What kind of gift would you both like to have from me? I smiled and pretended myself a carefree person. Ali, do you think its going to be alright? she still sobbing. I never thought a person other than you as my soul mate in my heart and mind. I am afraid its not going to work. Maybe I could not accept him as my husband. Ali, I love you and wanted only you to be my bridegroom as I have accepted you. Ali, you know I can spend whole of my life with you not complaining for a single moment. I know you are so caring person. She was sobbing. You never know love until you surrender to it. I thought Ali, please come close to me and hold me in your arms, I am yours and want to be yours forever. She was crying putting her head on my chest. Her tears were rolling down on her cheeks. I pulled her towards me and cupped her face in my palms and saw a frightening look in her eyes. Her lips were trembling and she could hardly speak any word. Despite of my efforts, I could not stop myself to drain out my own tears slipping down on my cheeks. I was trembling too. My body was shaking and inside I was obsessed to get her so close, where we could drown into dreams forever. She is the kind of creature, she should be loved beyond your strengths and here we were both losing our destinies. For me it was crossroad, whether to accept her now or never. She might have made up her mind, but at this juncture, I could not gather my strengths. I thought, I am the one, who should take decision, and I took. I gently pushed away her on couch, kissed on her forehead and said, Goodbye Amber, this is what written on heavens. I am not supposed to destroy your guiltless conscious and make you prey of your own guilt in the rest of your life. I love you and would ever love you, whether you remain physically far away from me. So go and accept the decision which is not yours, not mine but taken at the other end of our world. We have lost our war and we should accept it. You always claim yourself a brave girl, and now prove it. She heard me quietly. No tears, no sobbing. I felt her twisted lips trying to say something but in vain. Her visage in utter surprise registered another kind of girl sitting before me. It was unbelievable for me.

Suddenly she got up and took her bag, dressed her shawl over her shoulder, looked at me with her strange eyes I had never experienced before. She said nothing and left the room. I wished I could hold her back, called her back and say a few more words, but she had vanished in the hotel lobby leaving behind his ever-rejected man.

________

EPILOGUE

Sarah was sitting in her office relaxed on her chair behind lot of papers spread over her table when Nauman entered in the room. Sarah looked on him surprisingly. Whats progress any trace? No, absolutely not. Nauman spoke tiredly. Doctors and staff say that it was Friday evening when they lastly saw Ali. He was in bad condition. Rather from the day earlier he was anxious and waiting for someone. He didnt even touch his meal in the last night. Oh, I see. Sarah seems concerned. That mean he was expecting someone, might be Amber Sarah uttered. How did you say this Asked Nauman. No, I am thinking Ali was surely expecting Amber at his last time. Naumanits your duty now to find Amber. The only information we could have gathered so far that she was a doctor and was married with a doctor. Sarah said to Nauman. How did you get this confirmation? Nauman asked. Oh, you still need me to prove my abilities, its simple I got it from his book. Sarah smiled. Not at all, boss. He too smiled with curiosity. I have an idea; we should contact the local council of doctors where all the doctors are registered. We will find the Ambers registration and then will find her address or telephone contact to reach her. Nauman said excitedly. Great idea, youre genius person. Thats why I have recommended your bonus rise. Sarah said to Nauman and they both laughed.

Next day they both were sitting in the Councils office searching the record on their computer and with a little effort, they find Ambers name and then they went to the details on her personal form, where they got her home address and telephone numbers.

Sarah called Amber at her residence to get her appointment. Her mother attended the call. She told her that she is presently out of country and returning back in the next week. Sarah dropped her contact and requested her mother to convey her numbers to call back. She pretended herself from some pharmaceutical company. Her mother assured her that she would certainly make sure that she calls her back.

________

Amber was sitting in the lounge of Grand Hotel in Singapore. Farhan was busy in checkingout affairs at the reception counter. They were in Singapore since couple of days on their honeymoon trip. She looked out from the window of the lobby. A beautiful driveway glowing with green plants and flowers on the sideways were reflecting natures gifts to the earth. On the glazed marble stone floor, the people were busy in their routine hustle & bustle. Amber went into her deep thoughts and was recalling the day when lastly she met Ali. He had come to see her and when she tried to share her grief with him.

She just saw in the flashback of her mind.

Amber recalled that she attempted to say something to Ali who had become so quiet after having this news, but she had too no courage to speak. She was speechless.

They both had no courage and strength at all to talk on this issue so they kept quiet and how suddenly she had left his hotel room without saying a word to him. She knew, it was her fault, but she never intended to hurt him. She still loves him and would not forget his presence around her all the time. She saw him in everything. To her utter surprise sometime, when Farhan comes near to him, she felt his fragrance. Sometime she felt Farhan smiled like him Yet she could not understand the beauty and power of love, which he has gifted to her. Suddenly she saw Ali coming towards her with his smiling face. She was shocked to see him. He came very close to her, took her hand into his and said, come-on, Amber, this is hotel lobby, not your bedroom. Van is ready for the airport. They are waiting for us. And Amber quietly followed Farhan.

________

Ali requested hotel receptionist to make his arrangements to drop him on the airport to catch his first available flight back to home. Ali noticed that he was nervous and had not had strength to even stand with routine check out from the hotel. The hotel management was kind enough to reserve his seat on 12 noon flight and handed him airlines ticket with all his checks. Ali thanked them and seated into the drop van which was about to leave for airport. He felt all his confidence has drained out and despite his owing great amount of efforts, his willpower had been unable to show any miracle. The moment he entered in the airports outer lounge He dragged on his feet yet he felt no strength at all. He pulled his trolley bag near to him. He looked around and found a couch and sat on it to restore his vigour. But suddenly he felt haze in his eyes. He tried to relax on the couch yet he registered something going wrong with him inside. He felt a sudden wave of pain spin around his head and his fringe and eyes felt burning. He wanted to speak something but failed. His legs were becoming stiff and body muscle stretched and lips twisted dreadfully. His breath was chocking somewhere inside his chest. He tried to open his eyes but a cloud of smoke encircled him and he went into the darkness.

I dont see my fate What about my soul mate? The worship I preferred, Praying for my idol. Neither I am alive Nor she is enlightened. Rising moon set to descent. Without repentance and with grace, Eternal myth set to embrace.

Sarah had done her excellent work on the story and it was being regularly published in the journal and was read with great interest by the readers. The chief editor and the feature section were receiving hundreds of e-mails, letters and telephones in response to the story. It was applauded by the youths especially and all the staff was congratulating Sarah on her best investigation reports which were receiving extreme attention of the journals readers and within the community. What she could do best to honour her promise made with Ali and to bring his tale of achievements, his successes and defeats, his love and affection to the humanity and his own beliefs towards mankind and civil society and scrupulous respect to the poor people of his country which he imagined in his own ideology & perspective and finally his affliction and suffering by the failure of his own family life and love which he lost leaving behind his Tripping Soul around. ___________

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