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La filosofia morta
You are certainly living proof of that maxim. Well anyway, you were
living proof.
One and the same thing can at the same time be good, bad, and
indifferent, e.g., music is good to the melancholy, bad to those who mourn,
and neither good nor bad to the deaf.
Im told that the deaf actually are big fans of heavy metal music. Its
because they can feel the bass and drums in their tympanic membrane or
something like that. I once asked a deaf guy who his favorite heavy metal
band was but he didnt answer me so then I told him that he had a spot on
his forehead that looked exactly like a spot I once had on my forehead that
turned out to be skin cancer. I just wanted to see if he was really deaf or just
messing with me.
All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object
to which we are attached by love.
Are you objectifying women? How dare you. Love? I love good bourbon.
It makes me both happy and unhappy. Im happy when Im drinking it and
unhappy when Im not. When I sit in my apartment for days on end,
drinking bourbon and watching reruns of Law & Order Im happy. When
the withdrawals start, Im unhappy. What is modern man to do? Winston
Churchill, Ernest Hemingway and Christopher Hitchens are all invited to
weigh in here.
All noble things are as difficult as they are rare.
Of course all noble things are difficult and rare because theyre excellent
and Spinoza already stated that excellent things are difficult and rare. I think
that guy just liked to blabber, but nevermind.
I did a noble thing the other day. It happened early one chilly morning as
I was walking down the street trying to gather myself together and face the
dawn after a long evening of excess. Yes, I was suffering the ill effects of
too much heaven the night before. My mouth was dry, my thoughts in
disarray and I had the most horrific headache. I kept thinking, why must I
suffer this torment? Why does my head betray me? and I tell you, I was
feeling so sorry for myself until I met a man who had no head. He was
standing alone, looking like maybe he could use a hand. I said to him,
excuse me, man, but wheres your head? Maybe I can help. Well of course,
not having a head he couldnt respond but I think you see my point. Even in
the simplest act of giving, we all gain something.
FOGG
Heres my question: If I were to run fishhooks
through my ears, put on yellow rubber gloves,
set myself on fire and lick your arm pits,
would we be having sex?
SUNSHINE
Why yes, Martin, wed be having really hot sex.
FOGG
Well you see, there you go, I disagree.
SUNSHINE
Awwwww
FOGG
Thank you, darling.
SUNSHINE
Bye, Martin.
Whatever your definition includes, its just a simple fact that a satisfying
love life requires energy. Lots and lots of energy makes for a more
refulgent experience but alas when a man reaches a certain age he finds
that energy to be increasingly elusive. Knowing this, I recently set out
upon a quest to resolve this timeless dilemma once and for all and so I
traveled afar to unlock the mysteries of the Orient and rediscover the
wisdom of the ancients. Im happy to say that today I will share their
secret with you, my fellow men and here it is; the secret is hamster
juice. Its made in Taiwan and comes in handy little 6 oz cans that you
can carry around in your pocket. Now you animal rights psychopaths
neednt worry, its not made from crushed rodents. Its actually a rare
blend of exotic herbal stimulants and secret proprietary ingredients that
was developed specifically for hamsters but Ive discovered that it works
great for guys as well.
If you want the present to be different from the past, study the past.
Ive learned a great deal from my studies of Western history. Well get to
that on another day.
Peace is not an absence of war, it is a virtue, a state of mind, a disposition
for benevolence, confidence, justice.
This has the ring of advice given by someone who can comfortably
relocate to another country if need be.
It may easily come to pass that a vain man may become proud and
imagine himself pleasing to all when he is in reality a universal nuisance.
Im not vain and I have never imagined myself to be pleasing to all yet
still I manage to be a universal nuisance. How does that work? Is it inate
talent? Is it a gift from God? I mean, its effortless. I dont try to be a
nuisance, it just turns out that way. People are always getting annoyed with
me. Sometimes it hurts because I want most people to like me. Am I being
needy? Arent most people that way? Not that I care about how most
people are, I dont, but still it seems like kind of a natural mind set, right?
Well ok, not for everyone, obviously. Certainly not for G.G. Allen*. He
enjoyed being hated and was by all accounts very good at it but he ended up
committing suicide. I, on the other hand, do not want to commit suicide.
G.G. and I are very different in that way.
*G. G. Allen was sort of 80s grunge/punk shock rocker and he really knew
how to test the boundarys of propriety and good taste. One of his best loved
artistic conceits was to come on stage in his underwear, sing a couple of
tunes (to get the crowd warmed up) and then take a dump on the stage and
then run around throwing shit on various members of the audience. Imagine
their discomfiture. There was no guarantee that Allen would carry a given
performance to this ordurous extreme but it was understood that one could
not discount the possibility and so this provocative gambit always gave a
sort of wildcard feel to his shows.
The endeavor to understand is the first and only basis of virtue.
Again with the understanding, eh? Ok, but lets be specific. Exactly what
is it that I must endeavor to understand? Everything? Good luck with that.
Let me tell you what I understand. I understand that life is a meatgrinder. A
very cleverly disguised meatgrinder. And were the meat.
Nothing in the universe is contingent, but all things are conditioned to
exist and operate in a particular manner by the necessity of the divine
nature.
Ok, five minutes of trying to grasp the essence of the divine nature and
quite frankly, Im under the table so lets aim a little lower.
Whatsoever is contrary to nature is contrary to reason, and whatsoever is
contrary to reason is absurd.
What are you, a tree hugger?
Whatsoever is, is in God, and without God nothing can be, or be
conceived.
Honestly, I expect better than this from someone who purports to be a
world class philosopher. Whatever is what? What are you talking
about? How about we let God weigh in on this one. Ok hello? Earth to
God come in God. Huh? What? Oh well, nevermind.
Ok, lets make no mistake here, I am a deeply religious man but I imagine
a supreme entity thats not so much a god as a benevolent godlike presence,
like Bank of America or Monsanto. Let it be stated for the record that this
conception of a supreme entity is somewhat at odds with the conventional
wisdom (held by many of my fellow Republicans) which envisages a god
who is pretty much just like the rest of us except that he has super powers
and created the entire universe. Oh, and did I forget to mention that hes a
male and extremely old? This means he prolly has ear hair and uses a lot of
Viagra. Now does that really sound right to you? When talking about God,
heres something we should all bear in mind. Even if there is such a god
(which there isnt) but even if there is, does it really make sense to assume
that this is a god with whom we could actually have meaningful
communication? We are talking about a guy who was capable of creating
space and time from from what? Who the hell knows from what? My
point is, do you really think that such a being would have anything at all in
common with us? Hey Spinoza, Ill bet good money that your hoity-toity
philosophizing brain cant even grok a fourth spacial dimension. Go ahead
and try it. Give up? Of course you do. And you think you can know the mind
of a god who created this universe? Nice try, Boopy. Can an ant know the
mind of the entomologist? I rest my case.
Well I see that its almost cocktail hour so thats enough for today.
Class dismissed.
Next week: Bertrand Russell