Number One, Fall 198 CONTENTS Noies to our readers 5 Esther’s Story: 1960, by Joan Nestle ysteria, by Pamela Powe photograph by Sally Denison by Annette Martin The Lesbian Herstory Archives Welcomes CLILL The Bar, by Tamar Raine *Pool Table Still Life 1," drawing by Rosemary Anderson They Are Trying to Kill Us (but it’s for our own good) by Kelly By the Grace of God (the Goddess Isis) by Lou Blackdykewomon Including Ourselves in the Future: White Lesbian Anti-racism, by Tracy Moore and Terry Somebody's Childhood, by Anne Lee Doris, by Marilyn Woodsea Diane, by Beverly Smith How to Edit Your Letters and Journals Affecting Our Lives: The Importance of Oral History to Lesbians, by Cindy Cleary Four Stories by Jacqueline Elizabeth: Polaski’s Kid, Grit, Bar Dykes, Being a Lesbian "Our Vacation 1963 Hawaii,” drawings by Lisa Schoenfiel Driving Cab, by Michelle Brody The Fileclerk, by Diane Stein Ann Hubard Networking for CULL. Information to Lesbians Submitting Work tog Editing Biographical notes tiling, Photographers biographies appear on page 78 Cover by Lisa SchoenfieldDoris, even with her blackened eyelashes and puff of bleached. amazed me that her radiance was lost in the crowd at Irving High School, ‘She never stood a chance of being chosen a class testy potasse besatne... somehow she was brended eligible, as not one of the elite. arene ies that day-and 90 other days before and after ii) was aware of Doris in a way L usually only was aware of boys. 1 | remember her black short-sleeved cotton blouse and how the paleness of her nicely rounded arms stood out against it, the sure grace of her movements. What did we talk about? Surely not my interests in classical music, theater, and Jim, She seemed to have no boyfriend and the "fine arts” were simply not a part , of her life, [imagined her driving at night with other girl maybe to Dallas or out to the lake, laughing in the dark. ‘After high school so many brilliant fireworks sputtered sadly down toearth, And soI wonder about you, Doris, Did you marry avwelderora Navy man, settledown and have Kids? Paiphlesiitergée ous caaght ip’ in myauininecs j work, my own senior year, my relationship with Jim. And the | adjusting to typing jobs, to marriage. Finally divorce, making it on my own (learning to drivel), coming out as a lesbian. From | time to time our short friendship has skimmed the edges of my | wrongand when did it start to happe memory. : Tis spring again, a spring 17 years later. Tm sitting undera blossoming apple tree, all the way across the orchard from the | blonde hair, was unmistakably a true-hearted angel. In fact it” diane by Beverly Smith Imade these selections from my journal two years ago in re: sponse to Diane's remark that perhaps { was misiaken in believing that I had sexual feelings for her. I put these excerpts together toclarify for myself and for her what I had felt. Since that tire Thave thought of this mare and more as a piece of writing 10 be shared with other women. However, the decision to publish it was.a difficult one. f offer it as affirmation of our lives as lesbians. id documentation 0978 Bas Pm Ijust came back from the Bessie Smith meeting.* I was nom inated coordinator from now until the concert. I'm going to get paid and I feel pretty good about this. My physical condition doesn't allow for great enthusiasm. Also perhaps my emotional state. Things are difficult with Pat. I'm trying to figure out what's Twant to get back to the analysis I was doing, The other piece of this is that I'm feeling very attracted to Diane. T'm going a bit huts over it. The catalyst was that she brought me a beautiful crescent of cabins where I live with six other wimmin who shar | present on Friday. A quilt appointment calendar. I've been at- c eo this land. I think of you today, Doris, and that heady tasted! , freedom I glimpsed in you. May you be fulfilled and happy. May our thoughts meet again, spanning miles, spanning time. iarllyn Woodsea: Long struggle to survive within the patriarchy ka rmunally in Southern Oregon, Iam slowly healing, and participatingia the creation of ways of living together that encourage our true selie) instead of stifling them, tracted to her for some time, ie, I remember fecling that way March when we worked with Artemis on the Sweet Honey concert, For example, I remember Lorraine talking about going tothe bar with Diane, and feeling envious of that experience. won78 40 am I feel like I'm losing it. I went through several changes be hind Diane tonight. Most of them at the end of the meeting, Demita, Diane and Emily were sitting together on the couch. Lisa and I went over to talk with Diane and Emily about tickets . for the shelters and Demita commenced to run her fingers | through Diane's hair. If that wasn't bad enough, when Lisa and “The Bessie Smith Memorial Production Collective produced The Varied Voices of Black Women concerts in Boston, Featuring Black lesbian feminist musicians Gwen Avery, Mary Watkins and Linda Tillery, and |) poct Pat Parker. 7°went to talk with Mereedes in the dining room I saw Demita enti atic ‘sine Kitchen, Who knows what to conclude butt drove me nuts. Thardly have any sense ofthe discussion onthe tickets. Tm going to see Bonnie tomorrow. Thank the goddess for that. Tim trying to figure out why Tim attracted Diane and what it means in general, has meant for me to be at tracted to various women, The relationship with Pat seems so bank. Tm thinking about how I admire Diane because of her ability, her competence, her capacity for work. I realize attractive I found this a wi 717, ed slash. One thing realized that L want is espe for my work and I get the distinet impression Pat has no grasp of the significance of these politics we are creating. Tve had , hints of this several times and it made me crazy. saq8 1215 AM i aR what [like more than anything i falling in love. ae carly exciting times. The problem is I don't know about a whole lot else, Ive never had the chance to build a relationship. Wit both Brenda and Pat it’s been so partial, Brenda's Gloria, Pats tery Bia tray ne we were going to the post office on man Square. Barbara said later that she thought Diane wat cute and she didn't know yet whether she was nice, We then | had a discussion of Diane's fuzzy, wrong hait and of Barbara wrong hair. (Also there was some totaly irrelevant mention | my own hair if [remember correctly.) Barbara has expressed) negative feelings about Diane early on. 1 think I ld oil ‘ether she's “nice” or not—she brought me ae sheaber Barbara said last Friday that she thou | Diane liked me Sy \ the te | wanted to write two things. One is that I finished 1] WEE ole Her and the other is that I feel incredibly lucky | to be working as the coordinator for this length of time. Ia many ways it's like a dream. \ et il reason. Demite | Tim feeling depressed for a rather stupid reason. ( called me this evening to ask for Diane’s phone number. T was | really disgusted, One thing T realized in trying to figure | ‘why I felt so bad is that of course I'm afraid she's interested i 60 Diane. Where would I get that idea with Demita saying aft Monday's meeting, out of a clear blue sky to Diane, "Has anyone told you how cute you are?” Something like that. Diane pro- ceeded to get even cuter by blushing deep red and walking out of the room, Then of course she “hung out” with Diane arid Emily that night. I just had a flash that it seems I have a lot of evidence of some- thing. I wonder whether Demita's making it a point to make sure I'm aware, I was just struck by the worst thought or one ofthe worst. What if they're already involved. Lord. What I'm very aware of is some things about Demita that drive me crazy and upset me greatly. When I think of her spend- ing time with them on Monday night it seems like it’s so typical other ability to ease her way intoa situation. I've seen it count. less times. ‘The flirting, the great interest in somos The effortless touching. ‘Adeep underlying fear that I have is that I can't have anyone to whom I'm real attracted. I mean I can't decide "Tm interested in that woman” and end up getting involved with her. I have d real lousy record in this department. In fact I've never been successful, ever. So the new rule is that I can have sexual re- lationships but not with women whom I choose. Besides the negative pattern I'm frightened that maybe I get interested in ‘women who are wrong forme. Oh shit. I'm tired ofall thio. ro14g8 1 was just lying in bed thinking about what it means to be at- tracted to white women, to find white women physically at tractive. I realized that it's kind of as if Ive come out on the other end. For much of my life white women were by definition beauti- ful. Black women who were, were usually those who looked most like white women. Then things began to change as a result of the Civil Rights movement, the Black Power movement and the conceptualization of Black pride. The phrase "Black is beauti ful*is so incredibly revolutionary. [used to worry that I didn’t teally believe it, better that I couldn't see it, the beauty. I re member a woman at school, Ingrid, who was in a class behind me. She was very dark and one of the loveliest women I had ever seen. I remember feeling really good, feeling really relieved that I felt she was beautiful. The reason I started writing was to try to put together some thoughts about being able to see that Black women were beautiful, and becoming a lesbian, That’ somehow I know it was a crucial step in the process, Some mne’s activities, 6hing about really seeing women and the first ones I had the courage to see were Black women. I mean because I wanted to find their beauty I studied Black women's faces, and I know this wes a very lesbian experience. (I want to put this next in harsh brackets, not even soft parentheses. I want to record vihat was behind these thoughts. Twas thinking about being a. tracted to Diane Sabin, a white woman, what that means. 1 really feel that particularly for me to accept and feel the beauty bf a white woman I have to feel fairly good about her as a per. , ‘son, I don't let a white woman's beauty make a deeper impact ‘on me until Tm more sure that she's anti-racist. It's like I re fuse to see white women, really see them, until I feel comfortable with them, It feels good to have written this out because now! have a hint of why I'm attracted to Diane and it doesn't feel super ficial. I think I broke out of the brackets too. id ( love that phrase “breaking out,” it's really powerful an resonant.) TRB intomnia. got his out try to write bow the way our being lesbian women affects the concert work. We “7 i” ‘very manic Bessie ‘Smith meeting here yesterday and one of t things we discussed was whether we should come out in our collective statement on the program. Another painful discussion | in some ways. [hate the self-denial because I know that oneof | the reasons we can work together is because we're lesbians. It's a bond that perhaps makes it possible for us to accomplish } this although we are Black, Third ‘World and white: ‘women. x affection we feel is part of our woman-identification. The solk darity results from our shared oppression as women and as lesbians. lovember 16, ae roe aka, just thought about being this tired ony | birthday and realized that I must have been exhausted 32 year | ago too, so it’s okay.) I got about four hours of sleep and hart } Ghied a lot, Ti’s Diane. What to say. I'm going to cry again, am | Crying. Tare about her so much. No, perhaps that isn't it. | mean I care about her caring for me, That is, when I think what I want from her .. . Let me start over. When I think d her I think of what I want from her more than what I want for her. I think that's okay. [also think, as I said to her last night that it’s symbiotic. } e Lam very scared. To name the fear. I am scared of how much I want her in my life. I'm afraid of her not being available tome, I'm afraid of how much I need her. I'm afraid of "things" going wrong. I'm even afraid of being disillusioned about her. Tthink I'm also crying because I'm not sure we will have a sexual relationship. I think she’s not interested in that kind of relationship with me right now. I also know I've got to sort out how I feel about her sexually. I know I'm attracted to her but i interests me that I don't fantasize a lot about making love with her. Actually I do, but in very fleeting instances, my mind veers away. Of course I know some of the fears. Of my physical im- perfections and of my inhibitions. 1 know I want ‘o touch her and do. Yesterday at the mecting I imagined putting my hand onher throat, on the "V* of her throat outlined by her plaid shirt. Why Icried last night. (Before I went to sleep.) I thought of two things. One is how much I want to tell her about me. My old concept of telling all my stories. The other is that I feel she really wants me to grow. She doesn't see me as finished. It's hard to explain this. I thought of the other people in my life who really wanted something similar for me and helped me to change, Something about mothering and about Mommy, how she must have wanted that. Wanting someone to grow is deep cating. I thought of my high school teacher Mr. Carroll. Now, as! began to write this, I thought of Barbara. T began to think of Gail this morning. Of what it means to havea passionate friendship. OF what it means to have the love af someone who really sees me. I think I might be able to sleep alittle before Diane comes here. Iwant to try to remember the dream I had this a2s with Mom: my and Diane. mip7B 8:45 AM Tmnot as tired as yesterday. I'mnnot sure whether Im as sad. ‘When I consider how my light is spent.” I feel very lonely. Very alone, Because I am. I've actually thought of having a room mate this week, although I don't think I really want one. What Iwant is companionship I can depend on. Someone to sleep with from time to time. Perhaps now I'ma little more ready to ‘atertain the question of why I'm always attracted to women who're unavailable to me. However, I'd put the emphasis on why so many women are “unavailable.” Pat and Diane are free 6agents, not “involved” with other women. Yet Pat particularly seems almost totally unavailable tome. Elusive, 1237-78 Contributor's Note (decided to write some one-line descriptions of myself since _ Thave to do this for the Conditions article, 1 told Barbara! don't know what to say. I feel drained and would like to stay huddled in my bed today. werly Smith has been rejected sexually by two different women within th lst to wee She recently dacovered between the first and second rejection that she realy is allergic to dogs so is rather at a loss as to what to do about relating to "significant ‘others, cats, dogs and of course men being out and women seen ing very doubtful at dhe moment. January 17,1979 12:10 AM **Thavent written in a journal for along time. (This pape so lovely, textured and creamy. A book like an apple, red on the outside, cream white within) Tve felt a great urge to write, | to be serious about it, When I think of how I want to spend my ime I think mostly of writing. 7 ie the third posteard from Diane today. There's been an ‘element of passion in the last two. mustn't read too much inta them. That is, I mustn't translate the passion that is actualy there into sexual feelings. It's difficult for me not to slip into this because I feel pretty certain that usually I don't feel thes | things distinet from each other, T don't usualy experience se ual passion without emotional and intellectual passion. Al though I do experience the latter two without feeling muct sexual attraction, One thing I'd like to suggest to Diane at some point is that perhaps she's denying some part of what's there. Who knows. Just an idea to try out on her. It also occurred me to ask her to talk about her fears in relationship to me, |) think there're some there. Well whatever she means by her words they are much welcome in this “dry month. 2179 1:00 rm A few days after Aunt Rosa died. : Tim feeling very depressed and very blocked up. Thaven' cil since Friday morning, I feel very alone. 1 want someone to hal me and to comfort me. Yet I'm afraid when it happens. Tmsi unused to physical contact. Diane came over on Friday afternoon. She held me but [tol her I was uncomfortable. What I meant was that I was ara 64 of the feelings of tenderness and the sexual feelings her touch. ing me evoked. Ever since I've been wanting to see her again, wanting more hugs and being afraid. Christ. I'm trying to get upthe nerve to call her. 2379 10:40 Pm Irealize that I'm furious at Diane. I am furious at her for re jecting me. Tam furious at her because she has precisely what she wants, I assume, in our relationship and I don't, I'm tired of looking at her through New Words’ windows and feeling my guts wrench and clutch, I can't stand it. This happened today ‘when I was in the bookstore and saw her running along Hamp. shire Street. It happened in December when I'd gone to the credit union and looked through the window and saw her work ingin the store. I'm tired of it. It’s not working. I feel like she has it all and I have what she wants me to have. I'm mad that I feel that I've got to bury, avinihtilate my sexual feelings for her How the hell am I supposed to do that and how can I not? To return to Diane, What I'm furious at her about, why 1 haven't seen her in almost two weeks and have barely talked with her is what happened when she came here the Friday after Aunt Rosa died. I have been so upset by this that T avoided thinking about it as much as I could. She wanted to hold me and we lay down on the bed. She held ie in her arms. I was completely freaked out and told her I wasn't “comfortable.” It was torturous. To finally be that close to her and to feel rigid with fear. And the fear was that if I dared touch her, to touch her face or hair I would forget myself, forget the proper bounds, Iwould want to make love to her, or try to make love to her, or betray by the way that I touched her that I wanted to make love toher. (I'm erying outright now. My throat has the familiar painin it. It has hurt so much lately. I'm pretty sure that the wrenching I felt today in the bookstore was also in my throat), Tohave something that I had wanted for so long and yet not to have it, Now I'm mad. Writing that last sentence made me mad, Goddamnit I feel that somehow I'm still accepting her defini. tion of what’s going on. She's telling me that our relationship ‘s enough for her, that it's passionate and important and I guess Imsupposed to be satisfied This feels like such an impasse to me. What in hell am I sup- Posed to do? I think what I decided to do after a certain point as o pretend that it didn’t matter. Ihave this thing lying quiescent, lurking and waiting. Iuneasy peace a while ago but here's the monster rearing uP sain larger than ever. ‘The other part of the impasse is that maybe what I need todo to get over her is not to see her. To put mse time between us. Yet I fear the thread will never be picked tp again once it’s put down, We may relate to each other again bat what Tim trying to say is that somehow itll be different. ) Notas rich somehow. Shit. I don't know. I feel like I need help [need her help. Maybe I need to tell her that she's hurt me That she hurt me by rejecting me sexually. That no matter juhat her intentions, what her positive feelings toward me, sil ithurts, 1 feel like she never really took that into herself. There was something T wanted from her that she wasn't willing to five, wasn't able to give, Volition is very tricky in this aren at iit wasn't in every other human relating. Thinking of volition 2 thought which has been going around in my head as I've typed and typed is WHY I'm still attracted to her. 1 cannot figure it Gut quite, Is it an obsession? I feel like I must be acting on Some atavistic longing, that she reminds me of someone ot something before conscious memory or even in another life. I | cannot figure it out. I know part of it is what I think I see in het } face. What? Pain, tenderness, compassion. \ Tra crying again, a little. 1 am so wearily tired of being alway: | ‘alone. My back hurts so, I feel like it’s going to break. I fed like the weight of everything is om it, And it is, and mo one ) touch it 1 feel like Tve gotten to something with all this mad incessant typing, 4 pages. Where Ive got to feels close to despair, full} fear. Imcold, «.. itis bitter cold and I am sick at hear | February 10,1979 (Written in the quilt calendar, my dream journal.) TTve not done well at recording my dreams although I wrote one out sitting inthe Middle Eastern restaurant at lunch a fev reeks ago. 1 took a nap this afternoon. I've done this the Saturdays ina row. dreamed that Diane and I were ridingit an opemtopped sports car in the country. There was a tre with white flowers. I've actually seen them, tiny petals with Yellow centers. The flowers grow in clusters. We stopped und the tree. Stood up on the seats and reached up to pull down! armfuls of flowers. (I remember saying to her yesterday tht) She liked white. looking at the candle she'd brought for be) grandmother) It was very dark, it was night except that w| could see the flowers and each other clearly. The flowers short I 6 seemed to give light. She stood close to rounded by inky blackness. ee feel very alone, in silence. I've often felt recently that there | mre few ways that my tenderness and passion get expressed. Certainly not i id wi : in my paid work—that’s out. Only in writing a tany politcal work, Bu these two cutlets are for passog and not for physical tenderness. Little gestures, Touching friend: Arranging flowers. eae 38379 15 aM Tthink what happens to me sometime is that the way certain women look is incredibly moving to me, evokes some deep ten- demness. It's something like that with Diane oo 20 Some more Contributors’ Notes: Bevery Smith is extraordivari ctrl red of her steps to bef tomes Black fein sin. That hes tied god work long hours, being responsible, * 7 fg ews ing responsible, delng ait bat by no mean 2S. strum strugaling with the apparent parados of bel wonan(esbianfemitisjandaromantic; Bevery Smith sin love wit Dey we pected a ceed euvoetin te fal ins « postbopit movely voice mnaclen ck” bow cary hair ips with more curves than Beverly has ever seen rough, ancient gentle hands, toe t gentle hands, a mind like a steel trap and a great pare peti Iwas born in Cleveland, Ohio, and raised in a family of toner, which pce my tin sister Barbar, my mothe, grand tb aunt and great-aunt. Tam 4 years oa Black woman aes anand feminh. Being al these things a once isnt imple 1 pecs as Tot of time, I feel like what 1am Jug constantly question my identity 2 odcapacty for this work is. Ido know that writing the work that Bare toe dewpest pleasu Somehow it makes my life possible. a pba be pas member of the Combahee River Collective, a Boston- Noman artists Film Sereyof which Lam the projet dirsstor T have Inedin Cambridge Massachusetts forthe past iveyearss 67