First Inquiry Paper

Lily Katz
Honors 205

The days of college applications and five-paragraph essays have come back to haunt
me. How do you describe yourself? asks the lingering application that I have yet to begin.
The process was grueling, but now, twelve applications later, I have a somewhat better idea
of who I am.
I am an anxious, diligent, procrastinating, funny, talkative, extroverted,
over-analyzing, tenacious, frank, caffeine-loving, bad-at-prioritizing, caring, left-handed,
loyal, methodical, worried, compulsive perfectionist. All of these aspects of my personality
coalesce to make me who I am. There are two traits in particular, however, that dominate
my identity and are the foundation for many of my other attributes.
Anxiety is the first of these, and in many respects, it rules my life. It manifested itself
like never before during the college application process. Who the heck applies to
twelve
colleges? That, combined with AP classes, brought out my anxious side to an extreme that
was unfamiliar to me. I was not used to juggling so many things at once.
Although anxiety commonly has a negative connotation, there are pros and cons to
being an anxious person. On the downside, I am driven to over-analyze almost every
situation, which causes stress, worry, perfectionism, and occasionally results in compulsive
decision-making.
On the upside, the self-analysis that underlies my anxiety makes me a more

thoughtful and caring individual, tenacious, and a perfectionist. The anxiety that built up
during my senior year of high school has better prepared me for the academically intense
college lifestyle. I am diligent and assiduous in my work. I accomplish many things and I
rarely blow off my responsibilities.
Anxiety also causes me to care what others think of me. This has positive and negative
aspects. It causes me to mold my actions and appearances around what is acceptable in
our society. This, in turn, often opens doors to success, or our very specific societal
perception of ithigh test scores, good grades, etc. For example, while filling out college
apps, Id often think, What does this admissions officer want to hear? before Id think to
write something that is genuinely
me.
The second dominant quality I possess is extroversion. This has largely had a
positive impact on my life. It causes me to be talkative and to make jokes. It encourages me
to be frank and to speak my mind, which, in turn, allows me to establish strong friendships.
However, being an extrovert can also hinder my success. I am inept when it comes
to prioritizing, and my desire to socialize often causes me to procrastinate, which only
elevates stress. For example, I turned in my Honors 100 assignment one minute before it
was due tonight because I was watching YouTube videos with my friends. But in the end,
my anxiety always ends up kicking in to help me succeed. But does success
really
matter?
What is success anyway? What do I believe? My definition of success is the same as
everyone elsesacceptance into a good college, receiving good grades, and eventually
getting a respectable job, a loving marriage, and a happy family. Since most people embrace
this social construct of success, it would be easy to say that success doesnt matter.

I believe that everything beyond nature in its purest form (i.e. trees, water, air, etc.)
is a social construct. This doesnt mean that nothing matters. I think that it is impossible to
create something completely new, because everything that is created is a combination of
things that previously existed. But this post-modern idea that everything is a social
construct is not bad. Social constructs exist for a reason. They provide us with a moral
compass to live by, a metaphorical filing cabinet to organize the inherent chaos of the
world, and they help us deal with the often-harsh realities of existence. This is why even
our unoriginal perceptions of success
matter.
This applies not only to success, but also to
everything else that is constructed by society.
Nevertheless, I do believe that individuality is achievable to some extent. For
example, we are still fundamentally free to make decisions. We may be nudged towards
these decisions by outside sourcesfamily, friends, school, the mediabut we still
ultimately make decisions for ourselves.
One example of a social construct that we
decide
to embrace and apply to our lives is
religion. At an early age, for instance, I decided that I was an Atheist. I do not believe in
any form of God or a higher power. I believe that humans are at the center of all existence.
Believing in a God seems like believing in Santa Claustoo farfetched and absurd to be
true. The chief issue I have with putting my faith in a God is how easy things would become
if I had a God to lean on. I see religion as a panacea for avoiding the harsh realities of life. I
think that these realities should be dealt with, rather than avoided. Could this be
reminiscent of my anxiety and perfectionism? I think so.
That said, I struggle mightily with one of these realities, the reality of dying.

Thinking about it is painful and difficult. Yet, believing in any sort of afterlife seems illusory,
like turning the other cheek to what really ensues after deathnothing. It is possible that
my nagging fear of death is a result of my anxiety. Unfortunately, I will have to accept the
inevitability of death and the eternal disappearance of the human soul after its departure
from the mortal world. There will be no reconciliation for me in Heaven.
So how did I become this anxious, extroverted, post-modern Atheist? Obviously,
there are many factors. To be honest, I think a large part of who I am nowat least the
philosophical aspect of my beliefsstemmed from the AP English class I took during my
senior year of high school. This is where I first began to seriously consider big
philosophical and existential questions. My parents have also been very influential, more so
in regards to my political, moral and religious beliefs. My hometown, a fairly secular, very
liberal island, has also contributed to these beliefs. As far as my personality traits go, I think
that many of them are hereditary. My mom is an avid talker and perfectionist, and my dad
is an anxious workaholic, so we see where I get many of my characteristics.
I appreciate the person that I have become, but there is much personality polishing
that has yet to occur. In the future, I want to be able to accomplish many things in an
organized manner without being as stressed and anxious. I hope to have clearer answers
and a better understanding of many of the philosophical questions that I am faced with. I
hope to have enough time to do the things that I enjoy. And lastly, I want to find happiness
and lovewhatever that means.
I feel like I have accomplished a lot in lifeIve learned
so
muchmaybe
too
much.
Its almost as if my brain could explode. At the same time, there is still a lot of room in my

mind for learning new things, gaining new experiences, and understanding new ideas. I
think the potential of the human mind for this kind of lifelong learning is limitless.
I am young, and much of my future is still unwritten. If I had to choose one thing to
accomplish in my future, it would be to keep an open mind, and to continue trying to fill my
brain with new knowledge and new experiences, constantly reminding myself along the
way that it is impossible for my mind to reach capacity.