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Name of Play

__________________________

A full-length play
By Your Name here

Contact:
Your Name
Address
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Represented by:
Mary Agent
The Mary Agency
123 Main Street
Anytown, USA 11111

ii.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

BOB, an elderly doctor


SUE, a young professor
JOHN, a brilliant student
MARY, a successful attorney

iii.

SETTINGS

Bob's office
Sue's classroom
John's kitchen
Mary's back yard

iv.

PRODUCTION NOTES

Time and place information goes here, along with anything else
that will help the reader understand the script.

Production notes go here.

v.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

The author would like to thank various people for their support
and encouragement.

CASSEROLE CASANOVA
ACT I
SCENE 1

At rise, ROGER and FRED are in


Rogers family room. Lighting is
subdued. The TV is off. Both
are working on a bottle of
scotch. Fred repeatedly fills
Rogers glass after each sip
Roger takes. Roger is quite
drunk.

Here you go, Rog.

FRED
Down the hatch.

ROGER
(slurs)
If I didnt know you for the cheap-skate you are, Id think
youre trying to get me drunk.
(Roger twists Freds wrist to read
the label of the bottle.)
ROGER (MORE)
With very expensive scotch. Thank you, Fred.
FRED
Damn, foiled again. Now why would I try to get my best
friend plastered two weeks after he buried his wife?
ROGER
Because youre my friend?
FRED
That has a lot to do with it. You need sleep.

2.

ROGER
I know.

Suck up.

FRED
Theres still another shot or so in the bottle.

ROGER
I think Ive had suff... (beat)

suff...

Had nuff.

FRED
Thats an order, sergeant!

Yes, SIR!

ROGER
Ill have a little more, Lieutenant, SIR!
(Fred pours the remaining shot.)

FRED
I want you to sleep it off tonight. I dont think youve had
a good nights sleep in a month since Pats stroke.
ROGER
(slurs)
Prolly right.
FRED
Im heading across for home now.
minute I shut the door. Okay?

I want you to go to bed the

ROGER
What if I wanna wash TV?

Whatever.

FRED
Ill call you in the morning.

Late morning.

(Roger gives a feeble wave.)


ROGER
Kay.

Bye.

3.

(Fred picks up a jacket off the


sofa, slips it on and goes to the
door.)
FRED
Gnight, buddy.
ROGER
Night.
(Fred exits, shuts the door.)
Roger puts his glass on a table,
crosses to the sofa, picks up a
remote control from a coffee
table and unsteadily turns to
face a large TV. The DOORBELL
CHIMES. Roger looks with
surprise at the TV, then to the
remote. He shrugs, then
concentrates on the remote again.
The DOORBELL CHIMES again. Roger
slowly turns to face the front
door. Again the DOORBELL CHIMES.
Roger nods in understanding,
stumbles to the door and opens
it. MONIQUE, dressed like a
fashion model, stands at the
door.
MONIQUE
Hi.
ROGER
Hi.

(beat)

Monique.
(They stand, staring at each
other.)
MONIQUE

May I come in?

4.

ROGER
Oh!

Oh, sure.
(Roger lurches aside. Monique
bends to lift a large kettle and
bag as she enters.)

MONIQUE
I hope you wont think Im being forward, but I brought you a
bouillabaisse. Pat told me you love seafood. And I butter
my croissants twice before baking.
(Monique walks with difficulty as
the pot is quite heavy.)

Nice.

Thank you.

ROGER
Can I help carry?

(Monique appraises Rogers


inebriation.)
MONIQUE
Thats okay. I noticed in your window that you had company,
so I waited in my car. Can I set it on your coffee table?
ROGER
Sure.
(Monique puts the pot on the coffee
table, then sits on the sofa, and
slowly crosses her legs as Roger
notices. Roger tries to sit in a
chair.)

Sit beside me, Rog.

MONIQUE
I want to explain something.

(Roger struggles back on his feet,


walks to the sofa and plops at the
far end.)

No, sit next to me.

MONIQUE
I want to show you something.

5.

(Roger moves next to Monique.)


ROGER
Mmmmm!

Smells good!

Thats my perfume!

MONIQUE
(laughs coquettishly)
Wait til I take the lid off.

(She removes the lid.)


MONIQUE (MORE)
Try that.
(Roger sniffs the pot ingredients.)
ROGER
Somethin fishy.
MONIQUE
Oh, dear! I hope thats okay. Pat frequently told me how
much you enjoy seafood.
ROGER
Do.

Love seafood.

MONIQUE
Have you ever had a bouillabaisse before?
ROGER
Whats that?
MONIQUE
Thats what this is called. Its a recipe I got from my
grandmother in Marseilles. Bouillabaisse depinards. Its a
spinach seafood dish. I hope you like it. See the spinach?
ROGER
Uh-huh.
MONIQUE
Just warm this when youre ready to eat. If you bring it to
a boil, the spinach will get too soft. Almost slimey.

6.

ROGER
kay.
MONIQUE
Do you have a good wine to go with this?

Got three bottles.

ROGER
(proudly)
Cherry, concord grape and dandelion.

(Monique stares blankly at Roger.)


MONIQUE
(Beat.) I think you may do better with a Pouilly-Frisse.
ROGER
kay.
MONIQUE
Have you ever tried bouillabaisse?
ROGER
Maybe.

Cant remember.
(Monique pauses in thought.)

MONIQUE
Pat was English, wasnt she?
ROGER
(slurs)
She was born in Rishmun. Rishmun, Virginia.
MONIQUE
Yes, but where did her family come from before they came to
this country?

ROGER
Cornwall.

England.
(Monique smiles, nodding her head.)

7.

MONIQUE
I thought so.
(She takes Rogers hand.)
MONIQUE
Now do you know what to do with this bouillabaisse?
ROGER
Sure.

Eat it.

MONIQUE
(as to a little child))
And what should you do when you re-heat it?
ROGER
Dont boil.
(She pats his held hand.)

Thats right!

MONIQUE
And what would be good to drink with it?
(Roger screws up his face in the
effort to remember.)
ROGER

Pwee pwee.
(Monique stares blankly at Roger.)
MONIQUE
Just ask for a chardonnay.
ROGER
kay.
(Monique releases Rogers hand and
rises.)
MONIQUE
Ill be going home now, but Ill be back every day with
something for you to eat.

8.

MONIQUE (MORE)
Pat was a dear friend and Im sure shes looking down at you
and worrying that you may not be eating properly.

Yeah.

(beat.)

ROGER
Oh, say hi to Bill.
(Monique turns to face Roger in
shock.)

MONIQUE
Oh, Roger! I guess Pat never told you.
divorced about eight months ago.

Bill and I were

ROGER
Didnt know.

Sorry.

Its for the best.


ever was to me.

MONIQUE
He was more married to his job than he

(Monique looks at Roger who is


having difficulty standing. She
moves forward and gives him a hug
while continuing.)
MONIQUE (MORE)
Im sorry that you didnt know. That wasnt nice of me to
burden you with my old news after what youve just been
through.
ROGER
(grinning like an idiot)
Whats that wonderful perfume?
(Monique breaks the hug.)
MONIQUE
Its called Surrender. Ill be back tomorrow with more
food. You could stand some cheering up.

9.

(Monique heads for the door. Roger


takes a step, lurches and nearly
falls.)
MONIQUE (MORE)
Better put that pot in the fridge if you arent going to eat
it now.
(Monique
the door
stumbles
it, face

waves and exits, shutting


behind her. Roger
to the sofa, plops onto
down, and passes out.
BLACKOUT.

SCENE 2

LATE THE NEXT MORNING


DOORBELL CHIMES. Roger remains
on the sofa. An arm twitches.
The DOORBELL CHIMES again. Roger
groans. Now POUNDING on the door
begins together with the DOORBELL
CHIMING repeatedly. Roger groans
and yells.
ROGER

Okay!

Okay!

Im coming!
(With considerable effort he pulls
himself off the sofa, grunting with
each step. He is stiff and awkward
as he goes to the door and opens it
to see Fred. The pot of bouillabaisse remains on the coffee
table.)

10.

Jeez!

FRED
I was beginning to wonder if I killed you.
(Fred enters. He continues talking
as they go to the sofa and sit.)

Wish you had.

ROGER
I have an ice axe imbedded in my skull.

FRED
Sorry. To show my sympathy I wont charge you for draining
my eighteen year old single malt.

Thanks.

ROGER
Youre all heart.
(Fred points to the pot.)

Whats in the pot?

No.

FRED
Did you barf last night?

ROGER
Monique came over and brought me some French dinner.
(Fred is impressed.)

Monique?

Yeah.

FRED
Smoking hot Monique came here last night?

ROGER
Right after you left.
(Fred reaches and pulls the lid off
the pot. Looks. Sniffs.)

FRED
My God, thats bouillabaisse!
ROGER
Yeah, thats what she called it.
special?

Why, is that something

11.

FRED
Hell, thats gourmet cooking! Dont they teach anything but
engineering at M.I.T?
ROGER
Gourmet?

Youre kidding.
(Fred bends to the pot and sniffs
again.)

Still smells good.

FRED
You gonna eat all that?
ROGER

Doubt it.

Lets have some.

FRED
I can eat that cold.

(Roger leaves the room. Fred


sniffs the pot again. Roger
returns with bowls, utensils and a
ladle.)
ROGER
We better eat this as she said shes coming tonight with more
food.
(Fred looks to Roger with
curiosity.)

Shes coming again?

FRED
Tonight? Hot Monique is coming tonight?
ROGER

Thats what she said.

Tell you what.


Monique.

FRED
While we eat lunch Ill fill you in on

12.

ROGER
No need to fill me in. She already told me Bill and she are
split. I hadnt seen him in about three years.
FRED
Thats not what I meant. I heard right after they separated,
she hired an attorney who milked poor Bill for major bucks
which she used for plastic surgery and a forty pound weight
loss. Mark my words, shes looking hot now, but to snag a
new man.
ROGER
She looked the same to me as she did years ago.
FRED
Well, yeah, she was thin back then and she is again now.
Tell me, is she really hot, or is she trying to hide
something under Spanx shapewear?
ROGER
She felt thin when we hugged.
(Freds jaw drops.)
FRED
You and Monique hugged?
ROGER
Yeah.
FRED
Oh, my God!
ROGER
Whats the big deal?

Shes targeted you!

Oh, come on!

FRED
Shes hot for you, man!

ROGER
Were old friends.

13.

FRED
An old friend whom you dont see for three years who comes in
and gives a passionate hug?
ROGER
Who said it was a passionate hug? We used to see them every
week in church, but they stopped going and then Pat began
some cardiac therapy and we lost touch.
FRED
Shes got it for you.
(Roger shakes his head negatively.)
FRED (MORE)
Listen to me. Women hug men for only two reasons. One: the
guys a relative and two: to test if they can turn on a nonrelative guy. Its a game for them.
ROGER
Ridiculous!
FRED
Ridiculous? Then tell me why ten to thirteen year old girls
want a horse more than anything in the world?
ROGER
Because they like horses, I guess.
with Monique?

Whats that got to do

FRED
Bear with me. Young girls want a horse because its practice
leading something bigger and stronger by the nose.
ROGER
Of all the stupid ideas youve FRED
Bear me out! Bear me out. Its instinctive. Millions of
years of evolution have imbedded DNA codes in women that
create the urge to boss around a horse.

14.

Come on!

ROGER
Where did you get that crazy notion?

FRED
I heard it on a reality TV show.
ROGER
Did that show happen to explain how leading a horse has
anything to do with Monique?
FRED
Yes. Evolution. Women got the notion they could get
something bigger and stronger to work for them. Men couldnt
do that then. We were busy hunting. Women were gathering.
ROGER
Gathering what?
FRED
Horses, among other things. Pass the bouillabaisse.
ROGER
You are full of so much shit.
(Roger hands Fred a bowl and the
ladle. Fred scoops out a generous
serving.)
FRED
She pressed in real tight with that hug, didnt she?

I dont know.

ROGER
I was drunk. Remember?

FRED
Shes coming tonight, right?
ROGER
Just to drop off some food.

15.

FRED
That should take four minutes.
more than an hour.

Tops.

Ill bet she stays

ROGER
Youre betting?

Gentlemans bet.
minutes.

FRED
Ten bucks says she stays longer than sixty

ROGER
Youre on.
(They shake hands.)
FRED
What you got to drink with that bouillabaisse?
ROGER
Cherry, concord grape or dandelion wine.
(Fred shudders and grimaces.)

Ill

get my vodka.

FRED
You can make me a dirty martini.

(Fred rises.)
BLACKOUT.

16.

SCENE 3

LATER THAT MID-AFTERNOON


The DOORBELL CHIMES. Roger
enters the room and walks to the
front door . Opens it. TRUDY,
an attractive blonde woman stands
at the door holding a large paper
bag.

Trudy!

What a surprise!

ROGER
How good of you to come.

TRUDY
Ja! Of course I would come. You and Pat were our dearest
friends. I was so saddened to read of your loss.
ROGER
Come in.

Please.

TRUDY
I really shouldnt I just wanted to bring over some food for
you. I know youre a computer whiz, but I remember Pat
saying that you couldnt boil water.
ROGER
Im not quite that bad a cook, but I do remember the
wonderful meals we had at your farm. Please! Come in.
(Trudy takes a tentative step in
the house.)
TRUDY
Okay, but I can only stay for a few minutes.
ROGER
I wont hear of you standing. Please sit down.
TRUDY
Well, all right.

17.

(Trudy moves to the sofa and


carefully sits on the edge of the
cushion.)
TRUDY (MORE)
I dont want to impose. I just wanted to give you some food
so you wont starve. You probably just had a bowl of cold
cereal today. Youll love my dumplings.
ROGER
Actually, I had some pretty good seafood.
TRUDY
Ha! I think you are teasing me. I think maybe you had a tin
of sardines. How I would love to cook for you! Here! Let
me show you what I brought.
(Trudy reaches in the bag and
begins pulling out plastic bowls
filled with food.)
TRUDY (MORE)
Heres some red cabbage. Some corn chowder with dumplings.
Some wiener schnitzel, a bottle of Gruener Veltliner and a
slice of Bavarian Chocolate cake.
ROGER
Thats awfully kind of you. Quite a feast.
for this?

May I pay you

TRUDY
Dont be silly. Herman and I loved you and Pat. It was your
design of a better milk house that turned our marginal dairy
into one that is profitable. We owe you, Roger.
ROGER
That milk house was my first project as an engineer. Im so
happy it worked out for you and Herman. (beat) How long has
it been since the accident?
(Trudy lowers her head.)

18.

TRUDY
It will be seven years next May since he passed away.

That long?

ROGER
Where does the time go?

TRUDY
I think what a joy it is to have a man around the house.
(She playfully jabs Roger in the
ribs.)
TRUDY (MORE)
Especially one who knows how to fix things.
woman loves American engineering.

This German

(She laughs at her comment.)


ROGER
Well, I was glad I could be of help. (beat) I wish I could
have done something that would have prevented Hermans death.
TRUDY
It could not be avoided! A cow got loose during a
thunderstorm. Herman thought shed wander onto the road and
be killed by a car, so he jumped on the tractor and went
after her.
(She pauses and wipes a tear.)
He drove by the manure pit but the weight of the tractor
caused the bank to crumble and the tractor rolled into the
manure pit with Herman and he drowned.
(They are silent for a beat.)
ROGER
Yes, it was a horrible way to die.
TRUDY
No, he was interred.

(beat)

Was he cremated?

19.

(Roger is suddenly aware of the


double entendre and begins
sputtering and choking to stifle
insanely laughing.)

Excuse me.

ROGER
Throat tickle.

TRUDY
Ill bring some more food tomorrow. Sausage, cheeses, a beef
noodle soup with dumplings. Youll love my dumplings.
ROGER
Thats so very kind of you. What a sweet person you are.
TRUDY
And you must be starved for conversation. Ill bring our
lunch and then we can sit and talk for hours and hours.
BLACKOUT.

SCENE 4

ONE HOUR LATER


Fred and Roger are seated on the
sofa in animated conversation.

FRED
So you say this lusty, blonde German was saying she wants to
bring lunches for you both just so she can talk to you?

20.

ROGER
For hours and hours. Yes. (beat)
describing her as lusty.

Roger, wake up.

But I dont recall

FRED
The womans hot for you!

ROGER
You said that about Monique.
FRED
Then she is, too.
ROGER
So she could lead me like a horse?

In your dreams.

FRED
Why are you so blind? Let me spell it out for you. You are
not that far apart from the age of either woman. They are
single. You are single. To them, youre a rock star.

Youre near their ages.


for you?

ROGER
Youre single.

(Fred stops.
Coughs.)

Why arent women hot

Looks about.

FRED
They are, but youre a recent widower.
priority.

Your case gets

ROGER
How come this is the first I heard about women having the
hots for you?
FRED
A gentleman is discreet.
ROGER
Then please be discreet in your assessment of my sexual
attraction to those women I think of only as friends.

21.

FRED
Right! Like you never had a sexual thought about Monique
last night.

I was drunk.
anyone.

ROGER
I couldnt have had a sexual thought about

FRED
You were stone cold sober when Trudy began pushing her
voluptuous breasts against you a while ago.
ROGER
When did I mention anything about her breasts?
FRED
You didnt have to.
ROGER
What?

I dont follow.

FRED
You said she was blonde and German. I can picture her.
ROGER
You read too many comic books.
FRED
You say she wants to feed you and talk to you for hours.
Youre my best friend and I can stand to talk to you for
about forty minutes. Why arent you awake to the clues that
she wants sex with you?
ROGER
Senator Brian Schneerhausen wants to feed me and talk to me
and Im sure he doesnt want sex with me. He wants a
campaign contribution.

I dont know.

FRED
I always wondered about Brian.

22.

ROGER
Well, well soon be able to see how wrong you are when you
lose the bet about Monique.
FRED
What time she get here?
ROGER
She gets here when she gets here.
set these things up.

How am I to know?

I dont

FRED
You are absolutely right, my friend. You dont set them up.
She does. Shes a clever, hot, sexually driven woman.

Right!

ROGER
And Im George Fucking Clooney.

Okay! Okay! I get it.


that drives women nuts.

FRED
You think you dont have the look

ROGER
Ah!

You had an epiphany!

FRED
You are male, single and breathing at age 74. Ergo, you are
hot! Well, for the over 70 demographic anyway.
ROGER
Are you snorting cocaine?
FRED
Very funny. Why are you in denial? These women are placing
a carrot in front of you now instead of putting it before the
horse.
ROGER
No. I dont buy that. Anyway a carrot couldnt excite me
enough to even get me out of bed.
(Fred gets animated.)

23.

FRED
Good! Now keep the image of bed in mind! See, instead of a
carrot, these women have decided to use - uhm - other -uh...

Okay!

Okay!

And, oh man!

I get it!
mat.

ROGER
I get the picture.
FRED
Are they good at it!

I get it!

ROGER
Cmon. Im about as sexy as a welcome

FRED
Yes! Thats it! You accept and welcome everyone. And when
a woman is a senior citizen and thinks shes lost it and
nobody lets her know shes attractive, here comes Roger to
accept her. No wonder the women go nuts over you.
ROGER
You just did a one-eighty on your argument.
FRED
What?
ROGER
Never mind. Its getting near time Monique may arrive.
Dont you want to go?

What?

FRED
And miss winning my bet?

ROGER
More likely youll lose. Dont you see that your presence
here will put a damper on her sex drive and she will shorten
her visit?
(Fred considers this.)
FRED
Okay, Im out of here.

24.

(Fred rises and goes to the door.


He turns to Roger.)
FRED (MORE)
Save some of her food for me, though.
(Fred exits.)
BLACKOUT.

SCENE 5

ROGERS FAMILY ROOM

EARLY EVENING.

SAME DAY

The DOORBELL CHIMES. Roger


appears from another room and
goes to the front door. The pot
of bouillabaisse is gone. He
opens the door to see Monique,
dressed in high fashion and
carrying a basket.
ROGER
Hi, Monique.

Come on in.

25.

MONIQUE
I cant stay. My grandson is in a third grade play and I
promised him Id go see him.
ROGER
Good for you!
MONIQUE
Im in kind of a rush, so I only brought a Croque Madame, a
baguette, some Saint Agur cheese and a bottle of Alsatian
Gentil. I know that sounds like a bad wine/food mix, but
trust me. The acids in the Gentil neutralize the butter
perfectly. Its a 2010. Their best year.

It sounds fantastic!

ROGER
Thank you so very much!

(Monique hands the bag to Roger.)

Bye. Have to run.

MONIQUE
See you tomorrow.

(She gives him a peck on the


cheek.)
ROGER
Bye, Monique.

(Monique turns and exits. Roger


watches from the door. He shuts
the door and goes back to the sofa.
Fred abruptly opens the front door
and enters.
FRED
You bastard! What did you say to her? No way are you gonna
get ten bucks! I think shes imprinting you.
ROGER
What hare-brained theory are you talking bout now?

26.

Not hare-brained.

FRED
This is science.
ROGER

Like your horse theory?


FRED
Darwin showed that evolutionary link between women, horses
and leading around a man. Want proof? What do we call it
when a woman keeps telling us and telling us and telling us
to do something?
ROGER
Nagging.

Bingo!

Nag.

FRED
Another name for a horse.

ROGER
So whats this implanting thing you say Monique is doing?
FRED
Not implanting. Imprinting. Karl Lorenz did the study of
imprinting. He found that if you keep appearing before a
baby goose, that bird thinks youre family and it will follow
you everywhere.
ROGER
Whats that got to do with Monique?
FRED
Bear with me. Young girls get used to the idea of having a
horse follow them around. About the time they enter middle
school they notice that boys follow them around.
ROGER
That connection I can understand.
FRED
That switching of interest is called transference. Years go
by and she and a guy get imprinted about each other and she
expects that boy to follow her the rest of her life.

27.

ROGER
I see.
FRED
So when that boy becomes an old man and kicks the bucket,
this creates a void in her life. A vacuum. And Im sure you
know nature abhors a vacuum so ROGER
So she rushes to fill the void.
FRED
Exactly.

I must be brain damaged.


thread of logic to it.

Reality.

ROGER
Your theory actually has a thin

FRED
You learn a lot on reality television.

BLACKOUT.

28.

SCENE 6

THE NEXT MORNING


Roger and Fred are seated,
reading the morning newspaper,
drinking coffee and sharing the
baguette and cheese.

FRED
This cheese is excellent! Thanks for having me over.
think Ill pay you the ten bucks. This was worth it.

(Fred reaches for his wallet, pulls


out a ten and hands it to Roger.)
ROGER
Thanks. Tonights menu will be Continental.
Some German.

Some French.

FRED
Whats it like having two women competing for you?
ROGER
(sighs)
Theyre friends. Pat and I have known them for years.
havent the remotest interest in me.

They

FRED
You are so naive. French food is automatically sexy. And
red cabbage is a known aphrodisiac, even though it makes me
fart.
ROGER
If she brings me any more Ill save it for you.
FRED
I dont need it. Im always ready for a jump in the hay.
But you? You have two horny women fighting over you and you
dont see it. Whatll it take to wake you up? A third?
(The DOORBELL CHIMES. Roger rises
and goes to the door and opens it.

29.

VALENTINA, Freds former secretary,


a striking Latina, stands there.
VALENTINA
Hi, Roger.
ROGER
Valentina! What a surprise! Wont you come in?
VALENTINA
Thank you.
(She enters.)
VALENTINA (MORE)
I was so sorry when I read of your loss. I felt so badly
that I couldnt attend the funeral. Ill miss Pat terribly.
ROGER
Valentina, this is my friend and neighbor, Fred.
(Fred makes a half-effort to rise.)
FRED
Hi.
VALENTINA
Hello, sir.
ROGER
Valentina was my secretary the whole time I was with Hoskins
Construction.
(Valentina turns to Fred.)
VALENTINA
Roger was everyones favorite. I was under him for twentyseven years.
(She turns to Roger.)

30.

VALENTINA (MORE)
I want to do something for you. Would it be all right if I
prepare some meals for you? I cant imagine you can even
think about food yet, but you still have to eat.
ROGER
You dont have to do that. Thats awfully nice of you, but
really, Im going to be okay.

Hes not being honest.


coffee in three days.

FRED
I doubt hes had more than a cup of

(Fred points to Rogers cup as


Roger stares, jaw agape, at Fred.)
VALENTINA
Aha! Just as I thought. You can expect a delivery of island
treats this afternoon.
(She moves to embrace Roger.)
VALENTINA (MORE)
All of us feel so sad for you. Everyone from the old gang
loves you.
(She releases her embrace.)
VALENTINA
I must go.
(She places a hand on Rogers
shoulder.)
VALENTINA (MORE)
You mean so much to us.
(She removes her hand and goes to
the door. Roger follows. Roger
opens the door for her. Valentina
exits, turns and blows a kiss to
Roger.)

31.

VALENTINA (MORE)
Bye.
(Roger closes the door.)
FRED
So, Mister-Nobody-Loves-Me! Add a hot Latina to the mix.
Now will you believe me?
(Fred rises and mimics Valentinas
embrace to empty air.)
FRED (MORE)
Everyone from the old gang loves you.
all of us.

You mean so much to

(Fred stops the impersonation.)


FRED (MORE)
I assume everyone includes Valentina. Us definitely
includes Valentina. Why do I get the vibes that Valentina is
hot for you? And she says she worked directly under you?
(Fred holds out his arms, begging.)
FRED (MORE)
How much more graphic proof do you need?
ROGER
Ive known you for fifty years or so.
someone is hot for someone else.

Youre always thinking

FRED
When was I wrong? Dont you recall all the romances and
affairs weve heard of or saw?
ROGER
This is different. I think their attention is only because I
lost my wife. I cant believe these women are husband
shopping.

32.

FRED
And I believe they are. But Im also sticking with my theory
that they may just want a roll in the hay with you. By the
way, is Valentina married?
ROGER
Yes. (beat) Well, was. Her husband was career military.
He died in Iraq in the Gulf War.
(Fred points at Roger.)

Uh-huh!

Uh-huh!

FRED
This is what Im talking about.

(Fred checks his watch.)

I gotta go.
special.

FRED (MORE)
Theyre doing a re-run of the Victorias Secret

(He turns, walks to the door, opens


it and turns back to Roger.)
FRED (MORE)
Call me when the food is delivered.Okay, buddy.
(Fred shuts the door behind him.)
BLACKOUT.

33.

SCENE 7

LATER THAT AFTERNOON


The DOORBELL CHIMES. Roger rises
from the sofa where he was seated
reading. He goes to the front
door and opens it. Monique is
standing there looking as if she
stepped off the cover of Vogue.
MONIQUE

Hi.
ROGER
Hi.

Come on in.
(Monique bends to pick up a bag,
then enters.)
MONIQUE

I brought you a piperade.

Sounds exciting.

ROGER
What is it?

MONIQUE
Its a speciality of the Basque. An open faced omelette
garnished with onions, sweet peppers, tomatoes and ham.
ROGER
Something like a Western omelette.
MONIQUE
Oui. But made French. I butter my croissants twice before
baking and brought a chilled bottle of Dom Perignon. May I
join you? There is just enough for the two of us.

34.

Uh, I guess so.

Sure.

ROGER
Thatll be fine.

(Monique sits on the sofa, placing


the bag on the floor.)

Lets sit and talk a bit.

MONIQUE
Its too early to eat.

(The DOORBELL CHIMES.


to answer the door.)

Roger goes

ROGER
Excuse me for a minute.
(He opens the door and sees
Valentina.)
VALENTINA
Surprise! You didnt think I was going to send food and just
let you eat alone, did you?
ROGER
Uh, come on in.
(Valentina enters. She stops when
she see Monique, then continues
into the room.)
VALENTINA
You have company.
(Monique glares at Valentina.)

Not company.
are...?

MONIQUE
A lifelong friend. Im Monique.

VALENTINA
Valentina. I was Rogers executive secretary.
him for twenty-seven years.

And you

I was under

35.

Ah, an employee.

MONIQUE
How nice.

(Valentina stiffens, turns to


Roger.)
VALENTINA
If youll excuse me for a moment, Ill go bring in the treats
now instead of later. Theres a bit of a chill in the air
and some spices may help warm my blood.
(Valentina strides to the door and
exits.)
MONIQUE
Perhaps we should eat now, while the piperade is still warm.
ROGER
Uh, should we see how Valentina feels about eating now?
MONIQUE
It shouldnt matter now or later for her. Tex-Mex reheats
well. Im afraid I dont have enough of mine to share with
her.
ROGER
Perhaps I should call Fred over.
(The door opens and Valentina reenters carrying a large cardboard
box. She strides to the sofa and
plops the box on the coffee table.)
VALENTINA
Well start with empanadas, then go for the carne asada a la
islas Caribbeana, finish it off with Abuela Maria made with
Galletas Maria, guava and cream cheese.

(Valentina stares smugly at Monica,


then back to Roger.)

36.

VALENTINA
Ive never known you to refuse a margarita, so I brought two
bottles, ready mixed.
(Valentina points to Roger, then to
herself.)
VALENTINA
For you and me.
ROGER
Im calling Fred.
(Roger taps in Freds number while
the women try to stare each other
down.)
ROGER
Fred, can you come over right now?
(Roger hangs up.
Valentina.)

Good.

Monique turns to

MONIQUE
Roger suggested we eat now. You can do whatever you want.
Now or later. Fred will be coming over any minute and may
want to join you.
VALENTINA
You seem to know Fred very well. He should eat with you.
Since I was under Roger eight hours a day, five days a week
for twenty-seven years, I clearly know him better than you.
I shall dine with Roger.
(The front door opens.
enters.)
FRED
Hi, everybody.
(He sees Valentina.)

Fred

37.

Hey, Valentina!

FRED (MORE)
Back again?

VALENTINA
Yes, and many more times to come.
MONIQUE
(to Valentina)
Any trouble crossing the border?
(Valentina glares at Monique)
VALENTINA
I was born right here on the 4th of July, Madame!
(The DOORBELL CHIMES. Roger goes
to the door, opens it to see Trudy
holding a box.)
ROGER
Oh!

Hi, Trudy.
TRUDY

I brought you some...


(She stops on seeing the others.)
TRUDY
Oh.

You have company.

Yes, its okay.


Valentina?

ROGER
Come on in. Have you met Monique and

(Trudy looks at Monique, Valentina,


then back to Roger.)
TRUDY
I was so hoping to see you alone this evening. I have so
many things I want to say to you. Perhaps it would be better
if I came back another time when we could be alone.

38.

No, now is fine.

ROGER
Please come in.

(Trudy takes a tentative step


inside the door.)
TRUDY
I so wanted to talk with you about memories we shared, about
things we know together. Your other friends wouldnt know
those names and they would feel left out.
ROGER
Oh, Im sure they will understand.
TRUDY
I was so hoping it would be you and me. Weve been friends
for so many years. Look, in the box. Theres Stuttgart
chowder with my dumplings, potato salad, chocolate cake and a
bottle of liebfraumilch. Why dont you eat? I go now.

No, please stay.

ROGER
I want you here.

TRUDY
Well, maybe for just a little while.
upon you. (beat) Oh, I dont know.

I dont want to impose


Perhaps I should go.

(Monique is exasperated.)
MONIQUE
Either stay or leave. Make up your mind.
The piperade is getting cold.

Roger, let her go.

(An abrupt change overcomes Trudy.


She hardens like steel, turns to
Monique and snarls.)
TRUDY
Shut your mouth, Frenchy!. One more word and Ill kick your
skinny ass onto the street!

39.

(Monique shrinks into the sofa in


fright. Trudy turns back to Roger
and sweetly continues.)
TRUDY
No, liebling, you enjoy your time with your friends.
phone for another time, schnuchiputzi.

Ill

(Trudy pinches Roger on the cheek.)


TRUDY (MORE)
Youve been so good to me and I just want to spend hours and
hours and hours with you.

(Trudy continues to stand smiling


at Roger. The DOORBELL CHIMES.
Roger, dazed by what has been going
on, numbly goes to the door, opens
it and sees Loretta, his late
wifes hair stylist, holding a
large bag in her left hand. She
has a foot long cigarette holder in
her right hand which she uses to
punctuate her speech.)
ROGER
Loretta!
LORETTA
Ciao, Roger.
(She looks about the room.)
LORETTA
Are you holding a wake?
ROGER
What? Oh, no! These are friends. Everyone, this is Loretta
Viccenzia, my late wifes hair stylist.

40.

MANY VOICES
Hi.

Hello.

TRUDY
Ja! Shes a good hair stylist.
stylist.

Trudy!

My God.

I know Loretta.

She is my

LORETTA
I had no idea you knew Roger.
(Loretta turns to the audience.)
LORETTA

Shit!
(Loretta turns to Roger.)
LORETTA
Im so sorry about your loss. I loved Pat. She was a lady.
A really nice lady. I brought you some osso buco alla
milanese and a bottle of Brunello di Montalcino.
ROGER
Thank you.
(Loretta puts the bag on the floor,
turns to Roger, tosses her head
while she brushes some hair back.)
LORETTA
So how are you holding up? Are you eating or just microwaving? You know, we Italians settle many of our problems
with food. Some day we should go to my house. I could whip
up some scungili marinara or marsala vitello washed down with
a bottle or two of a good fruili.
FRED
While youre at it, could you whip me up some for me?
(Loretta turns to Fred and coldly
responds.)

41.

LORETTA
Sure, Fred. You gonna pay me? Im a hair stylist, not
Giorgio Armani.
(She turns back to Roger.)
LORETTA
Roger, you look like Hell.
ROGER
I guess Ive been over stressed lately.
LORETTA
I dont mean just your face. Although - some cucumber slices
could tighten up the bags under your eyes. Perhaps a touch
of guy-liner would help make you look more alive.
(She takes a step back and studies
Roger.)

No, its your wardrobe.

LORETTA
Whos your designer?
ROGER

Levi Strauss.
LORETTA
Look, heres my business proposal. You could be a real
charmer if you had more clothing sense. You get yourself
some Zanetti slacks, some Corneliani shirts, a few Armani
suits and youd be a presentable stud.
ROGER
(laughs)
Loretta, stop kidding! What would Carlo say if he heard you
talking like that?
LORETTA
Oh, didnt you know? Carlo dont hear so good. He sleeps
with the fishes. Capisce? He got behind in our protection
payments.

42.

(Roger is dumbstruck.)
ROGER
You cant be serious!
LORETTA
No, Im kidding. He left me for a
me. Wed be quite a team with the
would flock to my salon just to be

See?

See, Roger?

(SIGHS)
biker chick. But, you...
right clothing. Women
in the same room with you.

FRED
See what Ive been saying?

(The doorbell rings. Action stops


as Roger goes and opens the door.
Peggy Wu, a lovely Asian, enters
with several takeout boxes and a
bottle.)

ROGER
Peggy!

What a surprise!
(He turns to the group.)

ROGER (MORE)
This is Peggy Wu, our friend who owns the Asian Confusian
Fusion Restaurant.
(Peggy nods to the group.)
PEGGY
Hello. (She turns to Roger.) Is this a bad time? I brought
you our entree I told you about that we named after your late
wife.

How thoughtful of you.

ROGER
What is it?

43.

PEGGY
Lobster with cellophane noodles and shredded pork.

ROGER
And you named this for Pat?
PEGGY
Yes, for her. Pat Anna on our menu, but in Chinese its
called Lung Ha Fun See. Would you like to try it? I brought
one each for us and it goes best with shaosing wine.
MONIQUE
Hey, just a damned minute. Get in line!
(Monique turns to Roger.)
MONIQUE (MORE)
Roger, may I use your microwave to warm the piperade?
Im afraid my croissants are past their prime.

Though

(She turns to the other women.)


MONIQUE (MORE)
The rest of you should leave. Roger and I have a dinner
date.
VALENTINA
Excuse me! I was under Roger for twenty-seven years.
having dinner with me!

Wait a minute!

Whoa!

TRUDY, LORETTA AND PEGGY


No way! Uh-uh!

(Trudy turns with a snarl to


Loretta.)
TRUDY
Wait your turn, Guinea!
LORETTA
Nazi pig!

Hes

44.

FRED
You tell her, babe!
(Valentina tries to calm them.)
VALENTINA
Girls!

Girls!

MONIQUE
Shut up, you wet-back bitch!
FRED
Whoa!

That had to sting!


(Valentina whirls to face Monique.)
VALENTINA

Slut!
FRED
Woo!

Major score!

TRUDY
Girls! Lets settle this like women!
spoils. Dinner with Roger!

To the victor goes the

(Trudy reaches into the bag she


brought and begins hurling
dumplings at Monique who retaliates
with a poorly thrown croissant that
strikes Valentina.
FRED
Yes!

Food fight!
(Fred suddenly panics.)

Dont throw the cheese!

FRED (MORE)
Dont throw the cheese!

45.

(The battle continues with each


woman yelling, throwing and getting
hit with food for several seconds.)
ROGER
Girls! Girls! I get it! You can all have me. You may
share me. We can have a (he counts on his fingers)
un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six - a menage a six!
(The women freeze. They are
shocked, offended.)
VALENTINA
I cant believe what I just heard you say! I thought I was
here to help a friend, not a perverted beast!

Sex?

MONIQUE
Is that all you men think about?
(Rapidly the women cluster together
and bond against the common enemy Roger.)

LORETTA
Forget about my business offer! Youre disgusting.
TRUDY
I feel shame that you ever set foot in my house.
(The women have been picking bits
of food off their clothing and
popping some of it into their
mouths.)
PEGGY
Do not enter my Asian Confucian Fusian restaurant ever again!
(Monique is standing still, mouth
open in awe. A bit of thrown food
is in her hand.)

46.

MONIQUE
Loretta, your osso buco is the best Ive ever tasted. What is
your secret?
(The other women nod and agree.)
LORETTA
Really? I just add some saffron threads to the risotto.
be glad to share the recipe with all of you.

Id

TRUDY
Monique, I know you think your croissants have waited too
long, but even this late they are flakier than anything Ive
ever tried.
(The other women nod and agree.)
MONIQUE
Thank you, Trudy. Its all in the dough mixing. Id be
happy to show you. But Id give anything, Valentina, to know
how you got coconut flavor into the carne asada a la isla
Caribbeana when there was no sign of coconut anywhere.
(Valentina laughs.)
PEGGY
You sauteed the steak in coconut oil, didnt you?
in my cook book.

That was

VALENTINA
Busted! That was the secret. Why dont we all pick up whats
left of our dinners and go to my house where we can all share
recipes?
(The women nod, agree, pick up
their food bags and leave. After
they have closed the door, Fred
turns to Roger.)

47.

FRED
Did you save any of Moniques Saint Agur cheese?

BLACKOUT.

SCENE 8

ONE DAY LATER


Roger and Fred are on the sofa.
They discuss the events of the
other day.

ROGER
Honestly, Im still freaked out! I couldnt have imagined
such an event in a million years. What got into those women?
FRED
Several things came together at just the right time to create
the perfect storm.

What came together?


me.

ROGER
Five female friends suddenly turned on

FRED
Back to Darwin. Evolution can go in either direction. You
take a cuddly house kitten, throw it into the woods for a few
years with no human contact and it will become a sly,
cunning, killing machine.
ROGER
So?

48.

FRED
In the same way, you take a domesticated, pleasant, educated
woman, make her a widow and stick her in a decaying home for
a few years and she will go feral. There is nothing more
ferocious than a feral woman. Nothing.
ROGER
So youre saying that what happened yesterday was because
they FRED
Theyre all feral women.
ROGER
Ive been a widower less than three weeks and Im already
half afraid of women. How can that be? Have women gone
mad?
FRED
No, its biology. As we age, our male bodies produce less
and less testosterone. And therefore the little bit of
estrogen we have becomes more and more in charge. You heard
of Methuselah?
ROGER
Sure.
FRED
The Lah ending is a womans name. After 900 years all he had
left was estrogen. His name as a young man had the masculine
ending. Methuseloh.

You need help.


bullshit gland.

So.

ROGER (SIGHS)
I didnt realize you have a hyper-active

FRED
What are we having for dinner?

ROGER
I have no idea. What the women didnt take with them was on
the floor and I threw that out.

49.

(FRED picks up his cell phone.)


FRED
Once more, its Fred to the rescue.
(He taps the phone once.)
FRED (MORE)
I got pizza on speed dial. You want anchovies?

BLACKOUT.

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