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in
America
Sensationspeak
Roy F. Fox
specialize in old magazine and newspapers do not
carry back issues of any tabloids. One clerk gently
told me, "Everyone throws them away."
"Is this what you're looking for?" My aunt
WEDNESDAY, MAY 26--I'm in line at the supermarket. The bright, gleaming one with wide stands in her kitchen, holding a wrinkled, yellow
aisles, forty-two varieties of cereal, a salad bar, a paper. "I used it to line the bottom shelf in the
deli bar, even a candy bar bar. Now that all of his pantry," she,says, half-apologetically, as she hands
116 purchases are bagged and waiting, the shop- me the paper, adding, "Otherwise I would've
per in front of me begins fumbling for his thrown it away.... "
"Of course .... " I reply, dazzled at the proscheckbook.
I turn to the rack of tabloids beside me. pect of an authentic antique, to say nothing of its
Hmm... says right here that Fergie, the "Porky two-inch headline proclaiming, "Hitler Is Alive"
Princess," has been sent to a shrink so she can (Turner 2). I caress the dry newsprint as if it were
control her midnight binges on kidney pie. But a vase from the Ming Dynasty. Then I spot the
wait, why doesn't she try the new "tapeworm diet" paper's date: July 6, 1982.
extolled on another page? Even though these new
ADOLFHITLER-STILLCRAZYAFTER
diet capsules, filled with powdered gelatin and
which
hatch
inside
stomach
ALLTHESEYEARS
tapeworm eggs
your
and attach themselves to your intestine, can be
uncomfortable, they must never be confused with
In Pseudocommunication, the Symbol System
"Oriental Brain Worms," because they are now
employedtends towarda confusion of symbols and
"The Deadliest Threat Since AIDS." But if Fergie
signs, implying(but not establishing)close relationships betweensymboland referent.
wants the quickest way to thindom, she should folTerenceP. Moran,"Propagandaas
low in the footsteps of the "Woman Swallowed by
Pseudocommunication"
(189)
Escalator."Just as I near the cashier and place my
Amazing. I thought the old Hitler-is-alive-andbag of avocados on the counter, I spot another
headline: "Yuppies Going Ape Over Shrunken well-in-Argentina story went out with Spike Jones
and Pinky Lee. Even in 1982, who could have
Heads."
placed much credence in that line? Then it
WOMANUNEARTHSANCIENTCURSE dawned on me: if George Burns and Ronald
INKITCHEN
Reagan were (and still are) at the peak of their
PANTRY;
then why not that lovable ol' Nazi?
careers,
CRAZEDNEPHEWLATESTVICTIM
According to the article, at the age of 93 and
MONDAY, JUNE 8-Once I recovered from my "as alert and ruthless as ever," Adolf Hitler, being
bout with tabloid trauma, I wondered what old kept alive by an aide, masterminded Argentina's
tabloids were like. But stores in four states that invasion of the Falklands as well as an outbreak of
TABLOIDSTERRORIZE
SUPERMARKET
PSYCHO
52
English Journal
by "goading"Argentina'sright-wingjunta into
In keeping with the many illustrations in tabloids, much of the accompanying text stays at a low
level of abstraction. Everything must be literalized;
reference: "[Hitler's]top aide is Dr. Joseph Men- everything must be concretized. In one tabloid
gele, the infamous 'Angel of Death' so chillingly even my horoscope, traditionally the most general
portrayed by Gregory Peck in 'The Boys from of seers, states, "Attend a barbecue July 13."In the
Brazil.' " The referent here is not history, but Hol- Hitler article, we are informed that the Fiihrer
will not merely continue rooting for the Third
lywood. And so it goose-steps....
When the paper is opened, the layout of the Reich for a long time to come, but that he will
Hitler scoop blitzkriegs across two pages. More "live to be 150." Similarly, psychics in this article
large headlines followed by three exclamation cannot have fragmented or fuzzy visions, cannot
points. One quarter of the first page contains a have intuitions of the expected abstract nature.
simple line map of North and South America. A Indeed, one psychic's meditation brought a mysswastika (about half the size of the drawing of terious Nazi dagger in the mail from ArgentinaSouth America) appears on the map, and a large a dagger which "actually touched Hitler's hands
arrow points from the swastika to Argentina. The within the last two months." These psychics also
caption under the map states, "HITLER IS demonstrated their mental prowess by picking up
HERE-in a suburb of Buenos Aires." Another a pendulum and swinging it over a map. When
corner of the same page contains a photo of a the pendulum stopped over Argentina, one psynondescript man identified as a "Nazi hunter,"who chic received nothing like an impulse or an
is displaying a large photograph identified as unshaped thought, but rather, as he states, "
Hitler's assistant. But the man in the photo looks saw swastikas moving past me, then eagles and
Iron Crosses." Mercy. Sounds worse than a Drivmuch like a young Hitler.
The opposite page of this fascist feature con- er's Ed training film. Finally, we are to believe Hittains three illustrations. The upper right corner ler is thriving because some unidentified folks in
of the page is adorned with a photo of Hitler ("at West Germany ("a highly respected electronic
the',height of his power") giving the Nazi salute voice phenomena study group") have the Fiihrer's
with an outstretched right arm which breaks out voice on tape. What's more, we are told, the voice
of the photo's boundary and stretches half-way is speaking German.
across the page. Just under Hitler's outstretched
DATAUNCOVERSTHIRD
SCIENTIFIC
palm is a crude drawing, an "IDENTIKIT drawing specially composed by police," which purports
REICHTRANSVESTITE
to show Hitler as he looks today. The sketch reveals
Hitler as we all know him, only with fewer hairs In this Hitler expose, the omniscient narrator
on his head, a few more crow's-feet around his blends with outside experts-experts, that is, in
eyes, and a slightly more sinister expression on his "private and non-sharable ways of knowing"
face. But all in all, he remains the same ol' (Moran 189). So many psychics float in and out
smooth-talkin' panzer-puss.
and above this article that at times it's difficult to
Below these two illustrations is a photo of one discern just when the writer is speaking and when
of the psychics mentioned in the article; he holds a psychic is speaking. In the fog they merge and
a long and pointed dagger. The knife slants in the become one voice.
same direction as Hitler's saluting, outstretched
When it is possible to detect the writer speakarm in the photo above. Curiously, the psychic ing, he seems to know things that no human could
wears what appears to be a military uniform, really know. The author states, "A whole generaepaulets and all. This man, too, resembles Hitler. tion of Nazi fanatics [are] prepared to lay down
Hence, of the three photos and one sketch in the their lives for him [Hitler]." Really now. Even
layout, only one of them is actually Hitler. But they granting the author some minor concessions-that
all reek of Adolf.
Adolf is indeed at home in an Argentine suburb
March 1988
53
SPACEALIENSLEDBYJOAN
INVADESUPERMARKET
CRAWFORD
According to Abrams, the National Enquirer has
well over fourteen million readers and an annual
revenue of 130 million dollars. The paper's television ad campaign is comparable to Crest and
Pepsi-Cola, and its weekly sales are surpassed only
by TV Guide.
The seeds of this success were sown about
twenty years ago when the Enquirer's owner
"purged" the tabloid of much of its blood and
gore. This mopping up helped enable the tabloid
54
READINGDIETFUELS
MIRACLE
PSYCHIC'SPERVERTEDPOWERS
To explain the Enquirer's and other similar tabloids' popularity requires just as much speculation
as displayed by the gaggle of psychics who figured
out the Nazi-inspired Falklands fiasco. Let the
pendulum swing.
First, most people would agree that tabloids are
marginally amusing and enjoyable. A palatable
prescription to break the routine of daily life,
maybe the bizarre contents of a tabloid can function not as a mirror of reality, but as an easily
digestible substitution for it. The workhorse that
provides much of the tabloid's appeal-even if that
workhorse is Mr. Ed-is the headline. Though
often misleading, tabloid headlines are actually
English Journal
BLUDGEONCAMPERIN
EUPHEMOIDS
PARK
NATIONAL
TUESDAY, JULY 9-A
my
55
Lochner.GardenCity,NY: Doubleday,1948.
Heidt, Werner."Dieting Hubby Goes Nuts and Drives
WorldNews20 Oct. 1987.
Wife Bananas."Weekly
Moran,TerenceP. "Propagandaas Pseudocommunica-
July 1982:2-3.
US Departmentof Energy."IdahoNationalEngineering
Pamphletno. BO 47-0382-R-5M.
Laboratory."
56
English Journal