I wasnt born in a Christian family.

Though I did start going to church with my

brother from a boy next door whom we had befriended. I attended Sunday School
from young, but I did not consider any significance of God in my life for a very long
time. In grade eight, my friend and I decided to take baptismal class and get
baptized. We encouraged each other saying, WOW, wouldnt it be super cool to get
baptized, and then we could be sisters in Christ and everything?! After taking
baptismal class, my friend did get baptized. I, on the other hand, did not. And thank
the Lord that I did not, for it was for the wrong reasons. Many people told me that
after taking baptismal class and not getting baptized, the usual trend was that the
people would fall away in some way or another. I did not believe this as I went to
church every single week and my parents even went to church with me!
Entering into highschool was my rebel years. At this point, family no longer became
a focus in my life. I couldnt care less about what my parents thought and my
brother was so uncool. All that mattered to me was the opinions of my friends and
peers. I would spend all the time afterschool talking to them through MSN, barely
spending time with my family.
In grade ten, I met a boy. He was sweet and smooth yet I should have known that
it was not a good idea since he was not Christian and had a bad rep. Regardless, I
liked him and he liked me, soon, we ended up dating. Things were very good during
the first month. With the infatuation, however, everything escalated very quickly. He
became the greatest idol in my life. Everything was about him. All my thoughts,
feelings, actions were consumed and surrounding him. I didnt want to talk to
anyone else but him. I wanted to spend all my time with him. Everything seemed to
be so insignificant in comparison to him. He satisfied my unconscious desires of
comfort, love, worth and belonging. Being everything that I wanted, I soon
neglected other areas of my life. My family mattered even less to me than before.
My friends were slowly fading from me. My grades were dropping. Church was a
waste of time and at this point, God was out of the picture. Though I had constantly
felt a nudge that all this was not what I ought to seek for, I didnt care as everything
was fulfilled now and it was good to me.
After the first month, I started realizing an attitude change in him. He would be
upset at me over all the smallest things and we would argue. I would go to him
crying because it had felt like I was losing such an integral part of my life which
was true. He would call me names and say things to guilt trip me. He would say
such hurtful things, yet in all this, I was reassured time and time again that he didnt
mean it and that I mattered a lot to him, and I believed him. Many, many vicious
cycles later, I began to wonder why he wasnt satisfied with me. Was it because I
wasnt good enough? I thought perhaps it was because I wasnt thin enough. In
order to please him and to gain his favour, I decided to lose weight through
developing eating disorders.

I lost a lot of weight and felt more confident in how I looked, but his attitude towards
me still did not change. The cycles were still reoccurring and I became more and
more depressed, crying myself to sleep every night. My whole world, which was
once so beautiful, became dark, full of pain, with lies and deception. Yet in the midst
of all this, I still stuck with him because I did not know where to go. I also could not
tell anyone because it was so shameful and I would be even less loved than I
already was. I thought he could fulfill the longing of worth and love if only I held on
a bit longerthen maybe things would change.
Eventually, I couldnt take it any longer. It was 2AM one night and I couldnt sleep. I
decided that I would give up. There was no purpose in living any longer. I felt that
my family hated me, my friends didnt care about me, church people were so
oblivious, the boy hated me and at this point, I didnt even know where God was
anymore. I went down to the kitchen to grab a knife and I was very ready to take my
life. But I heard a voice. It called out to me, faintly but distinctively, What are you
doing? Why are you so silly? All these things that you seek forstop it. These things
that you seek for cannot ever be found in him. Everyone around you wants to draw
close to you yet you push them away. He may not love you, but I do. We often hear
of how Jesus saves us, but truly, at that moment, it was very real to me. Jesus saved
me, otherwise I wouldnt be alive or have a purpose in living today.
In the shame of all the things I had done, I had thought that leaving everything
behind would be the solution as there was no way that I could ever make it right
again. Were I to rely on myself, its true. Me being so sinful could not have been in
the presence of a holy and just God and I would rightly deserve death. But in His
grace, He shone light on all the sin and idols in my life that I had held so tightly to. I
sought after things that did not satisfy, trying to replace Him. Yet when He, in His
love, came to die on the cross for me so that, despite all the things I had ever done,
I can be seen as righteous and be able to have a relationship with Him. Knowing this
is such a freeing fact that it led me to want to seek after Him with a true heart.
Slowly I opened up to my friends and church family. They were patient and loving.
More importantly, God was faithful despite my faithlessness. He is a God who
brought me to Him and a God who restored my life that was so broken. God slowly
began to change my heart to seek and desire Him above all things. He is the only
one that is constant. He would not one day say to me, I love you yet turn His back
on me the next day for His love is steadfast. He taught me love that I may love my
friends and family, even my enemies. He allowed me to taste what it was like to be
in His loving presence, and that it does not compare to anything in this world.
Knowing this, I would not ever want to go back.