Professional Documents
Culture Documents
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have had no sexual contact for one year. Of those describing themselves
as sexless, 44 % admitted they weary of getting involved with the opposite sex, while 31 % of non-sexless people gave the same reply.7 The
same survey two years later showed a 3% increase in sexless marriages,
as well as finding that 46% of married people over forty-five years old
defined themselves as in a sexless relationship.8 A much talked about
international survey in 2005 by condom manufacturer Durex, found
that of forty-one countries, Japan ranked bottom in terms of the frequency people on average had intercourse in a year (twenty-four) as well
as the level of interest in their own sex life. Respondents in Greece
showed the highest number of 138.9
The number of sexless cases dealt with by members of the Japan
Sexologist Association has also increased from 10 % in the late 1980s to
nearly 40 % in recent years. Many are men in their thirties to forties
who reportedly are unable to have sex with their wives, though they can
with other women, a situation that leaves many wives feeling miserable
and humiliated.10
For sure, this is all very sad for the individuals involved, but why
should Japan as a nation care? The reason why the most private and intimate affairs of an individuals life have become the target of government
surveys is their relevance to one of Japans most critical national-level
issues: the declining birthrate. Japans fertility rate has been on the
decline for thirty-five years. When the total fertility rate per woman (the
average number of children born to a woman aged between fifteen and
forty-nine) hit 1.5 in the early 1990s, it was considered to herald the
beginning of serious population decline. But at the time, who knew it
was just the beginning of a continuous and more drastic fall? While the
decline of the birthrate is a common phenomenon in many highlyindustrialized societies, Japans fertility rate has dropped since the early
1990s to the lowest level (along with South Korea) among developed
nations. What is more fundamental and profound, when it comes to the
future of a nation, than the size of its population?
The causes for Japans inability to produce enough children are multiple and complex. The most obvious reason is that people are marrying
later in life. Though Japan is still a country where most people will eventually marry by the age of forty, suggesting marriage and family as social
institutions have not lost their validity, why are people increasingly putting off tying the knot? Even when the marriage threshold has been
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and grew up at the wifes home, the child belonged to the wifes family,
and in the childs life, father was much less important than the mother.
This matriarchal family culture was gradually replaced by a more
patriarchal family structure as Japan moved from the early to the feudal
period, in which the military class gained virtual control of society and
therefore greatly influenced the mainstream cultural orientation of the
country. As this change occurred, Japanese womens human rights began
to diminish. Society increasingly reduced women to a subordinate role
at home and at large. For the ruling warrior class, securing a male heir
became the dominant issue, and, therefore, women became regarded as
a tool to produce that heir. During the middle ages to the Edo period,
when society grew more stable and hierarchically organized, marriage
ceased to be a matter of mutual attraction and compatibility, but
became a matter of family strategy to strengthen alliances among
powerful families and to continue patriarchal linkage, at least for the
warrior class. Ie (household) became crucially important in preserving
and continuing the line, no matter what, and without doubt at the cost
of individual happiness. In an era of absolute peace and isolation from
the rest of the world, there was no way for a samurai to live by the sword,
proving himself in the battlefield and expanding his territory. Instead,
the samurai became the bureaucrats of the Tokugawa regime. Deprived
of the possibility of dramatic upward mobility, it became critical for all
members of society to know their exact social positions, and to maintain them for the sake of the continuity of their ie. Neo-Confucianism
was the underlying ideology of all Edo society, but also it was very much
a family ideology. One way to continue ie without fail was that a
husband had a concubine or mistress, with whom he could increase the
possibility of producing an heir. Some women in the wealthy merchant
class were able to enjoy substantial freedoms, independence, and some
chances for self-actualization. But for women of the samurai class, it
became an extremely important quality to be able to control their jealousy if their husbands had a concubine. It was also up to parents to raise
daughters who would be women able to suppress their jealousy for the
sake of the security of the family into which they married. How they
should behave at home was laid down by the Confucian scholar, Kaibara
Ekken, in Onna Daigaku (A Greater Learning for Women).11
At the time of the Meiji Restoration, Japan once more became a tightly
united nation devoted to the goal of modernization and militarization.
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system not only defined the nature of marriage in Japan, but more
importantly, defined the smallest unit of society not as an individual, but
as a household. There was no room for Japanese people to develop a true
sense of individuality vis--vis society. It is ironic that ie ideology, which
was originally an ideology adopted by a ruling warrior elite, was now
codified and thoroughly spread and enforced in every sector of the
Japanese population.
0
THE CONTEMPORARY FAMILY: AN EFFICIENT ARRANGEMENT
FOR GREAT ECONOMIC GROWTH
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However, the end of World War II changed all that. The U.S. occupation brought drastic reforms to every corner of Japan. This time, in contrast to the national slogans of the Meiji period, democratization and
demilitarization were the new goals to be achieved. The new constitution was quickly written up, swiftly issued, and implemented, and then
came a new set of civil code and family laws. The undemocratic and
male-centered ie system was dismantled and replaced by a family structure based on a conjugal unit of a consenting man and woman with
equal legal rights. Rapid urbanization and economic growth led young
people to move from their birthplaces to cities, leaving the traditional
family lifestyle behind, and creating nuclear families away from hometowns. After a brief baby boom, family sizes started to shrink and many
children began growing up without living in an extended family that
included grandparents and a large number of siblings. People increasingly favored Western-style courtship and dating before marriage. Most
marriages now started out with the nuclear family as a model and stayed
this way for as long as possible. Today, more than fifty years after the
new family law was enacted, marriage-related norms appear no different
from those in any industrialized Western nation.
As Japans recovery and economic growth in the 1960s left the world
agape in admiration, a structural transformation was taking place in the
Japanese economy, as it changed from a mainly agricultural economy to
one based on manufacturing and service industries. At the same time, as
discussed in the previous chapter, a new pattern for family life had
started to emerge: a husband employed by a corporation and a wife
assigned to take full responsibility for all domestic matters, including
child-rearing and management of the daily family budget. It also
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independence of wives from their husbands. Despite a wifes dependence on her husbands economic ability and social status, emotional
independence is also strong; a wife does not need her husbands presence
and affection to feel happiness or maintain high self-esteem. Instead,
the wives discover joy in their close emotional relationships with their
children or close friendships with other women in the same situation.
Since the first priority for families is the children, when a husband
and wife are together, their concern and common interest are focused
on their childrens affairs. For better or worse, Japanese parents willingness to do things for the sake of the children has changed the priority
and purpose of marriage itself. They work hard to provide for their
childrens education and often tolerate bad marriages. Making the child
the center of the family may keep parents and children closer together,
but it also forces children to play a bonding role. Rather than saying
Japanese families are mother-child relationship centered, it may be more
accurate to say they are simply child-centered.
Psychoanalyst Keigo Okonogi is a severe critic of contemporary
Japan, which he sees as a society where young people are pampered
and encouraged to remain in a moratorium stage forever, so they
become unwilling to commit to anything as mature, responsible adults.
Okonogi defines this moratorium stage as characterized by having no
occupational role, seeing all social involvement as temporary, feeling
free from any value or ideology and postponing major decision-making
in life. Though this moratorium stage is an important part of healthy
development, which should be eventually passed on the way to the next
stage, as theorized by Erik Erickson, Okonogi says that in todays Japan,
even grownups are stuck in the moratorium stage and have no idea
how to act as parents or teachers to the younger generation. Since these
moratorium people are too preoccupied with keeping up with the
progress and changes in society, they therefore are incapable of establishing a true, honest, and solid identity. When they have children, they
project their unfulfilled dreams and ambitions on them. In the name of
love for their children, they lack the awareness that it is in fact nothing but self-love. Naturally, children depend on parents, but parents
have also come to psychologically depend on and seek meaning for their
lives in their children.19 Though Okonogis rather harsh view on youth
disregards economic structural changes against them that Japan has
been experiencing in recent years, his view on parents attitudes toward
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The counterargument to the influence of the patriarchal Confucian tradition has been elucidated, as mentioned above, by Hayao Kawai, the
renowned Jungian psychologist mentioned in Chapter 1. Kawai says
that the most fundamental of all Japanese familial relationships is based
not on the patriarchal Confucian tradition, but a matriarchal tradition
that is more deeply rooted in Japanese culture. As noted in Chapter 1,
Kawai has defined the two most basic approaches to a relationship with
another human as the maternal principle and the paternal principle.
The maternal principle is not judgemental, but forges tolerant, unconditional acceptance of others. The paternal principle is based on rules
and discipline, maintaining the possibility of punishment or ending the
relationship. Both principles are necessary and complementary in any
culture, but each society imposes different degrees of emphasis. Kawai
sees that Christian-based Western cultures emphasize the paternal principle more. But in Japanese human relationships, Kawai says, the sense
of oneness between the mother and the child can be preserved and cherished through lifetime and is considered to be the ideal to follow in any
kind of relationship.21 The analysis reminds us of Takeo Dois famous
thesis on amae. Amae, too, is rooted in the deep desire to merge with
another person. Kawai developed his theories on the psychology of
Japanese interpersonal relationships from the viewpoint of the confrontation between two opposing principles.
In a culture dominated by the maternal principle, not only is a
mothers benevolence a form of absolute power, but individuals tend
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Tanaka also says Japanese fathers are not only worn out from work and
have little time for their families, but also have no idea as to what kind of
father they should be. Many Japanese husbands/fathers find there is no
place for them in a home that is controlled by their wives. Furthermore,
as the image of the father as the strong head of the household disappeared with the abolition of the ie system, they have trouble assuming a
new role as a father to their children. Since they lost a model to follow,
the type they follow is that of a father-like figure who is at best a gentle
and understanding friend. The problem is that this type of parent is not
so different from the role many mothers are expected to play in childrens lives. Thus many Japanese children are brought up by two protective and gentle parents, without someone who brings a strong
disciplinary approach. Tanaka indicates these gentle fathers are not necessarily concerned with their wives. Many of them are disinterested in
their wives lives, and as long as they keep their families financially comfortable, they seem to believe that they are doing a good job. The truth
of the matter is that many of these fathers have no energy left, and do
not understand that being a good father is only possible if one is also
a good husband, Tanaka says.28 Not only is their presence at home
weak, but Japanese fathers are often the object of contempt to their children and wife. For a while now, it has been a popular truism that husbands who stay at home longer than they are wanted are considered
good for nothings or bulky trash (sodai gomi). Many daughters think
their fathers are dirty and smelly, while many children of white-collar
families see them as Mr. Paycheck and someone who occasionally gives
them pocket money. It is uncommon for children to go to their fathers
for life advice.
Particularly in this age of economic uncertainty, the status of the father
has become progressively shakier. Yoshihiko Morotomi, a therapist and a
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scholar, says that todays middle-aged Japanese men are terribly lonely and
feel lost as professionals, husbands, and fathers. He describes the reaction
of a typical Japanese middle-aged man to his life. I can stand being
scolded by my younger boss and having my pride shattered, the man
says. But whats unbearable is my family. Going home exhausted, I cant
find a place for me. Not being a father-like figure is blamed for my sons
refusal to go to school. I cant feel relaxed at work or home.29 The other
side of these mens apparent gentleness is often simply disinterest or a
desire to avoid facing another person, namely their spouses and children.
Why does this happen? Probably they do not want to stir up what lies
beneath the surface by creating a confrontation. Confrontation inevitably
makes one look straight at and deeper into an issue. It may force
unwanted change to a situation one is used to, even if one is unhappy at
present circumstances. At the least, it is not a comfortable situation to be
in. Being confronted by a strong figure who does not necessarily agree
with you and eventually trying to resolve the situation is an important step
in achieving maturity. But a combination of a protective and sneakinglycontrolling mother and an absent but understanding father creates a
family environment in which the silent rule for the child is to play the role
given and avoid looking deeper than the orderly surface.
Avoidance exists not only in parent-child relationships. The epitome
of how husbands and wives are avoiding interaction is the sexless state
of many marriages, a situation that has only recently drawn much attention in Japan.
WHAT DO SEXLESS MARRIAGES TELL US ABOUT MEN AND
WOMEN IN JAPAN?
Before we got married two years ago, we used to have sex at least four
times a month. But we dont anymore. Soon after we began to live
together, we became sexless, a twenty-nine-year old woman with a husband in his thirties confesses. She tried to have intimate physical contact with her husband by kissing and hugging and made efforts to make
him interested, but in vain. She even cried and exploded in front of him,
only to hear him say a humiliating word, You are a nymphomaniac.
You can do it with other men. However, she feels, except for the sex life,
she and her husband get along with each other just fine. Her relationship with his mother-in-law is good, too. She is tired of trying anymore,
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with anxiety and the fear of criticism, these mens already shaky sense of
self can collapse. To make it worse, Japanese mens communication skills
are hopelessly poor, Morotomi says. He supports this contention with
statistics from a survey on the communication style of married couples
in urban areas that found that silence was the most common form of
communication at 36.4 %, followed by only the wife talks (32.4 %),
and dialogue (22.7 %). In 8.5 % of couples, only the husband did the
talking. As he admits, this exception to the rule is almost bizarre and
spooky when one imagines the typical scene where a Japanese husband
and wife are together.
Morotomi says poor communicator husbands are divided into two
types: one is cold and unemotional, the other childish, dependent, and
seeking a motherly figure in his wife. The first type of husband only
wants to see his wife as a domestic caretaker. He tends to be authoritative and lacks sympathy for his family. The second type of husband is
like a little boy needing to be taken care of, and becomes a burden to his
wife as he does not do anything to help her with daily chores. Morotomi
also indicates that this dependent type of husband sometimes wears
the disguise of understanding husband to hide his fear of an honest
confrontation with his wife.37 For some men, the only way they know
how to relate to their children is to play the role of a gentle and understanding father. In the same way, these husbands just do not know how
to relate to their wives, except to be dependent on or be pampered by
them. They cannot even imagine coming face to face with their wives as
an equal and individual partner. In fact, that is what they fear more than
anything else a sexual relationship is, after all, like any intimate relationship a matter of communication. In essence, it is the act of exchanging and sharing emotions, feelings, different egos and physicality.
Of course, it is not just men who are responsible for sexless marriages.
It takes two to tango, or not tango. Although, on one hand, more
Japanese women are sexually open today than several decades ago, a type
of individual who rejects and abhors any sexual behavior is becoming
more common, according to Dr. Abe. But when studying women, it is
more difficult to generalize on patterns of sex abhorrence. These women
start avoiding sexual contact because they have lost affection for their
partners or have been traumatized by their partners for some reason.38
It is also reported that more young women are finding intercourse
painful. According to a Tokyo gynecologist, many of these women diet
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With mounting stress at home too hard to ignore, the Japanese are
facing a critical question as to how they and their families can cope with
this social change and remain a happy and healthy unit. When there
seems to be no way to improve home life, and when they believe that they
may be able to do better by not staying married, more husbands and wives
are getting out. Their children are choosing not to have a family at all.
Either way, Japanese society is experiencing a fundamental structural
transformation.
It is undeniable today that divorce in Japan is part of this new phase.
Divorce is radically on the rise. It surpasses the level of some European
nations, such as France and Italy, and looks like catching up with the
rates of Germany, the United Kingdom, and Sweden, countries that
have high but stable divorce rates.51 The number of divorces in Japan in
2004 was 270,000, the highest ever but following a steady rising trend
that started in the early 1990s. Women under thirty are particularly
likely to get divorced, and it is estimated that one out of two women
who marry in their early twenties will eventually divorce. But as noted
above, what is most unusual is the rapid increase in divorce by those
married for more than twenty years. The number of jukunen rikon
(mature-age divorces) quadrupled from 1980 to 2000.
Another point of great interest is the parallel fluctuation of divorce
and unemployment rates, which suggests the primary importance of
economic factors in Japanese marriages. A law promulgated in 2007 has
started to enable wives to receive up to half of the husbands pension
accumulated during his working life. This legal reform is expected to
eventually produce a huge surge in the number of older women seeking
divorce. Those women who had given up on the idea of divorce because
of future financial difficulties may finally start to take more radical
action to change their lives. Depending on the economic conditions in
Japan at the time, as many as 400,000 couples were estimated to be
potential divorcees, which would give Japan the highest divorce rate
after the United States.52 However, many married women who had
planned to divorce as soon as the law came into effect are beginning to
realize that even with a bigger slice of the pension, it will be extremely
difficult to have a comfortable post-divorce life. From this viewpoint,
the status quo looks less unattractive.
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the view that anyone who believes in the same God is a brother, sister,
or parent. This denial of biological links under the same faith or contract, or the denial of an overwhelming matriarchal existence, is very
important in Western culture and what makes human beings independent entities with clear boundaries that separate them from others. Kawai
says this clear delineation is quite difficult for the Japanese to imagine.53
Kawai also argues that the strictly patriarchal ie ideology once helped to
balance the Japanese familys predominantly matriarchal culture. When
post-war reforms eliminated legal support for the ie system, the authoritarian, paternal figure was removed with the hope that the new
Japanese family would be centered on a husband-and-wife unit with
equal human rights. But what grew out of the post-war environment
was not an individual-focused philosophy that would have been the
base for healthy conjugal relationships. Instead, persistent concern with
peripheral aspects of the ie outlook linger. The Japanese have continued
to emphasize the importance of the roles they have to play, maintained
their obsession with superficial order (not substantial order and principles at home), and have made mother-and-child interdependence the
core of family life. With the patriarchal figurehead gone, the Japanese
family system has reverted to its original matriarchal orientation.
Even if the divorce rate exceeds todays high levels, and people realize
that marriage does not necessarily guarantee security, Japan will not see
the creation of the couple-centered family model that exists in Western
countries. Such social change will take a long long time to occur, and will
require the Japanese to digest a new concept of marriage. Instead of building meaningful conjugal relationships, people will choose to divorce and
maintain highly interdependent relationships with their parents and children. In their post-divorce lives, these will remain the main source of
social support. Although the contemporary ideal of marriage and family
is that of a man and a woman developing a conjugal relationship as equals,
somewhere deep in the Japanese psyche, there lies a yearning for the sense
of oneness with a maternal figure that unconditionally allows and accepts
anything one does. The fundamental desire for a boundless fusion of oneself and another is not uniquely Japanese, but Japan does possess a cultural
and psychological tradition that has enabled this mentality to survive and
flourish. This may make it particularly difficult for the Japanese to confront critical issues at home, as this attempt at oneness goes completely
against the idea of individual choice and decision-making.
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17 Yamada, M., 1998, The Japanese Family in Transition. About Japan Series, No.19,
Foreign Press Center, p.21.
18 Ibid. pp.1617.
19 Okonogi, K., 1998,
. (Crisis of moratorium
nation Japan). Shodensha, pp.15862.
20 Slote, W., 1998, Psycho-cultural Dynamics within the Confucian Family In
Confucianism and the Family. W. Slote and G. De Vos (eds.), State University of
New York Press, pp.3751.
21 Kawai, H., 1981, Violence in the Home: Conflict between Two principles
Maternal and Paternal. In Japanese Culture and Behavior. T.S. Lebra and W.P.
Lebra (eds.). Honolulu: University of Hawaii Press, 1986, pp.297306
22 Kawai, H., 2002,
. (Thinking about family relations).
Kodansha Gendai Shinsho, originally published in 1980.
23 Nichols, M. and R. Schwartz, 2001, Family Therapy. Boston: Allyn and Bacon,
p.125.
24 Saito, S., 1999,
. (Family addiction). Shincho Bunko.
25 Ogi N., 2001,
. (How should we see the crisis of children?). Iwanami Shinsho, pp.1357.
26 Tanaka, K., 2004,
. (Mother-child adhesion and child-raising difficulties). Kodansha.
27 Watanabe, H., 1999,
(Parent-child relationship in post
war Japan) in Meguro, Y. and H. Watanabe (eds.) ibid. Chapter 4, pp.89117.
28 Tanaka, K., ibid.
29 Morotomi, Y., 2002,
. (Lonely men). Chikuma Shinsho.
30
. (Bedroom situation next door and mine)
http://www.suzune.net/sodan/archives/2008/02/post_64.html accessed April 6,
2008.
31 Go, M., ibid.
32 Asahi Shimbun Weekly AERA 2004,
Sex
(Dont hate sex,
young people!). May 3, pp.1619.
33 Abe, T., ibid.
34 Asahi Shimbun Weekly AERA. Ibid.,
35 Abe T., ibid. pp.2239.
36 Asahi Shimbun Weekly AER. Ibid.
37 Morotomi, Y., ibid.
38 Abe, T., ibid.
39 Asahi Shimbun Weekly AERA. Ibid.
40 Asahi Shimbun Weekly AERA 2004,
(Though sexless, we are a close couple), August 2.
41 Asahi Shimbun Weekly AERA 2005,
(Sexless: mens
honest opinions). October 31, pp.348,
42 Asahi Shimbun Weekly AERA 2005,
(Sexless:
women fight back), November 7, pp.3740.
43 Asahi Shimbun Weekly AERA 2004,
(Though sexless, we are a close couple), August 2.
44 Faiola, A., ibid.
45 Morotomi, Y., ibid.
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