Assertiveness

For an organisation to be effective and efficient, it needs people who can address issues
in an adult manner, dealing with them in the here and now using a problem solving
approach. Without this approach, vast amounts of personal and organisational energy is
consumed by interpersonal conflict. This energy can be better utilised in solving problems
to enable the organisation become a value added organisation of excellence. Successful
organisations therefore need to address interpersonal issues and create an environment
where assertive behaviour, is the norm. This helps you to enjoy your work and the
relationships you have with people in work.
Assertiveness at Work
In the past, it was thought that it was possible to be one person at work and another person outside of work.
Research has shown that trying to behave in this way causes stress for people outside of work, and reduces their
productivity in work.

It is recognised now that it is the whole person that comes to work with all their issues, attitudes and beliefs,
and these inevitably influence people’s behaviour at work

Behaviour is a result of a lifetime of experience. When we try to make sense of our experience through our
mental process, this influences our attitudes. Our attitudes are also influenced by our personal values that are a
result of our beliefs. Our beliefs are a result of our life time experiences. Our beliefs are very important to our
mental health and can make us very upset if they are shaken. Behaviour on the other hand can be modified
without too much pain. Another way of describing “modifying behaviour” is that we are learning. This is turn
influences everything else that we do.
Our past experiences and our lives outside inevitably influence our behaviours in work whether we are aware of
this or not. If we have been hurt in the past, we create emotional defences to protect ourselves. We are often
unaware of our defences, but we take them with us wherever we go, including work. In work our defences can
create behaviours that are inappropriate and even counter-productive. Work is not the place to resolve all the
issues that have created our defences, but developing awareness of our behaviours in work can help us to
modify our behaviours in work.

For an organisation to be effective and efficient, it needs people who can address issues in an adult manner,
dealing with them in the here and now using a problem solving approach. Without this approach, vast amounts
of personal and organisational energy, is consumed by interpersonal conflict. This energy can be better utilised
in solving problems to enable the organisation become a centre of excellence. Successful organisations
therefore need to address interpersonal issues and create an environment where this adult behaviour, often
called assertive behaviour, can be encouraged.

What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is about addressing issues here and now, as they arise in, a problem solving way that
creates a win-win situation.
An assertive person interacts with people to achieve a win-win solution.
The opposite of assertiveness is aggression. There are two sorts of aggression: direct aggression
and indirect aggression. Abdication is not taking any responsibility for your role in the relationship.
Aggressive behaviour that goes unchallenged leads inevitably to disciplinary action because the end
results are bullying, intimidation and stress. Challenging the aggressive behaviours is the most
effective way to improve performance so that the energy wasted in interpersonal issues can be
used in productive and effective activity towards meeting goals and targets. It is also a tool for
empowering yourself and others by affirming your ability to solve problems effectively. A manager
needs the tools to recognise and analyse destructive behaviours. Assertiveness is a guide to
managing the process.
 Assertiveness Matrix

I Lose I Win

Indirect Aggression Assertiveness

You Win
(I’m not OK, You’re OK) (I’m OK, You’re OK)

Abdication Direct Aggression

You Lose
(I’m not OK, You’re not OK) (I’m O.K., You’re not OK)

The underlying assumptions in this model are:

• People are OK (even when their behaviour is inappropriate: behaviour can be changed.)
• People can think.
• So people can make decisions.
• So people can change their mind about these decisions when they receive effective and timely
feedback.

You make decisions based on your beliefs about the World you live in. You can change your beliefs
and manage your feelings in a positive way if you decide that is what you want to do.
You can make the decision to change your own behaviour. You can give others feedback to enable
them to change their mind about their decisions on how they behave and subsequently their
behaviour.
By being assertive you can change your behaviour and you can change other peoples’ response to
you.

Life Decisions
I’m not OK, You’re OK I’m OK, You’re OK

• Victim • Positive approach to people and self at

• Has lots of negative thoughts about self
• Some typical feelings are: guilt, hurt,
ashamed, stupid
home and at work
• Able to express authentic feelings whether
positive ‘I am really happy’ or negative ‘I
am angry’.
• Always own these feelings
• Able to express their needs to others

Some typical feelings are: contentment,

appropriate anger, trusting, confident

I’m not OK, You’re not OK I’m OK, You’re not OK

• Strong negative thoughts and actions • Strong negative thoughts about others and
about self and others negative comments
• Does not take responsibility for their own • Gives other a lot of negative / and or
actions phoney feedback
• Believes other people don’t have the
ability to help them
• Some typical feelings are: despair,
apathy, weak, rejected
• Behaviours experienced by others as
aggressive and bullying
Some typical feelings are self-righteousness,
indignation, hostility,

Assertiveness is about:-

• telling someone directly what you want or prefer in a way that is neither threatening or
punishing and does not put the other person down.
• not getting what you want if that means trampling over the needs of others.
• standing up for your rights and not at the cost of violating the rights of others.
• being open about your feelings, both positive and negative
• being able to express what you want without experiencing undue anxiety

Direct aggression is about:-

• expressing feelings and opinions in a way that punishes, threatens or puts down the other
person
• getting your own way no matter what
• fighting, manipulating, being sarcastic, spreading gossip
• winning and leaving someone else feeling bad that they have lost

Indirect aggression is about:-

• hoping you will get what you want but leaving it to chance or another person to magically
realise what it is that you want
• talking to other people about an issue, but not the person(s) directly involved
• sulking
• losing and feeling bad about it, but burying the feelings.

Aggression is one of the most common defence mechanisms. (It is important to recognise that, in
the workplace, humour, when it is in the form of put downs, is one of the most powerful forms of
Direct aggression.)
What is it that we are defending when we use aggression in the workplace?
There are three main areas being defended

• a hurt from the past that we fear is being re-enacted (punishment, bullying, unequal power
situation that is not legitimate)
• we are aware of things that we don’t know that we think we should know
• we don’t want others to know what we are feeling because we feel vulnerable or feel the need
to manipulate.

Defences are important to our emotional and mental health: we need them to defend us from
intolerable situations where we have previously been hurt or vulnerable. We keep up our defensive
guard and therefore use our defensive behaviours whenever we feel threatened.
If we want the organisation to work effectively and efficiently then we need to create an
environment where people feel psychologically safe:-

• they can trust other people, no matter what their position, to work with them in an adult to
adult way, finding win-win solutions to issues that arise
• they know that they can express their opinions about an issue without put downs or personal
judgements
• that there will be no unfair or unexpected repercussions following their contribution

An environment where this atmosphere pervades is dynamic and proactive, facilitating the sort of
problem solving that enables continuous improvement and world class output. We can create this
environment by encouraging everyone at every level to be assertive.
Giving people feedback on their behaviours and their achievements is where all the skills discussed
in this report are put into action. There are three models for feedback and an effective people
select the most appropriate one for the situation.

1. The Feedback Sandwich

For feedback on events/achievements.

1. Ask the individual: What would you do differently if you were to face that event/activity again?
2. Tell individual a good thing about their actions/behaviour.
3. Discuss the weaker points with suggestions for improvement.
4. Tell the individual the best thing about their performance/activity.

2. Assertive Confrontation
For feedback on behaviour, always start with a persons name.

• When you said/did............(observable behaviours)

• I felt/ thought.....................(honest expression of thoughts & feelings)
• I would prefer...................(open statement of preferred behaviours)

Note the word ‘I’ is very important in assertive behaviour. To express our thoughts and feelings
effectively we need to own them. By always using the word I to express our thoughts and feelings
we are owning our thoughts and feelings. This is very empowering for the person who is expressing
they thoughts and feelings as well as very powerful and effective feedback for the person being
addressed.

3. BOOST
To be effective feedback must be a BOOST with the following characteristics.
It must be about..............................BEHAVIOUR
You must have observed it.....................OBSERVED
The statement must be.........................OBJECTIVE
You must be...................................SPECIFIC
Your feedback must be.........................TIMELY

i.e. as close to the event/behaviour as is practicable.

An assertive approach is a key to job satisfaction and positive relationships at work.
Further Reading
The book "Please understand me - character and temperament types" by David Keirsey and Marilyn
Bates (ISBN 0-9606954-0-0) explains individual preferences in behaviour.
The book "I'm OK, You're OK" by Dr Thomas Harris (ISBN 0-380-00772-X) explains assertiveness which
is about appropriate interactions.