15 Things You Shouldnt Say to Someone Struggling with

Depression
Lara Parker

Repeat after me: Depression is not a choice.

1. Other people have it much worse than you do.

NBC

Someone else having problems does not make your problems disappear.
What you should say instead: Im sorry that youre hurting. How can I help you?

2. Youll feel better tomorrow.

ABC

This isnt fair, and it puts a lot of pressure on a person who is already struggling every single day to find the
light again. Depression isnt something that goes away overnight.

What you should say instead: Take it one day at a time, and Ill be here with you
through them all.

3. Life isnt fair.

Paramount Pictures

This is, once again, downplaying this persons feelings. No, life may not be fair, but that wont make them
feel any better about their situation.
What you should say instead: Im so sorry this has happened to you, but we can
and WILL get you through this.

4. You just have to deal with it.

Paramount Pictures

Someone who struggles with depression IS dealing with itevery single dayas best they can. Saying this
undermines them and could make them feel as if they arent good enough.
What you should say instead: You dont have to deal with this alone. I am here for you.

5. Life goes on.

Lifetime / Via realitytvgifs.tumblr.com

Yeah, life does go on, but for someone dealing with depression, it can feel as if they are stuck with no way
out. They probably have trouble imagining getting through a day, let alone the entire week.
What you should say instead: You have so much to live for, and I will be with you to
help you rediscover those things.

6. I know how you feel, I was depressed once.

HBO

It might go without saying, but no one persons feelings are exactly the same. This could make them feel as
if youre downplaying their feelings and struggle. Not everyone deals with things the same way, and that
holds true for depression. And let us all remember: Depression is much more than a bad mood or bad day.
What you should say instead: I can only imagine what you must be going through,
but I will try to understand the best I can.

7. Youre being selfish.

FOX

Chances are, a person struggling with depression is probably already being incredibly hard on themselves.
They dont need you to cut them down, as well. And remember, depression is not a choice. They are not
choosing to do this.
What you should say instead: I really miss you. What can I do to help?

8. Go out, have fun, have a drink, and forget about it.

Bravo / Via realitytvgifs.tumblr.com

A night out on the town is no cure for depression. Depression isnt just a bad day. Its a hundred bad days, all
at once, with seemingly no way out.
What you should say instead: I would love to spend some time with you, and Im
more than willing to be your shoulder to lean on. Maybe we can grab some coffee
and catch up?

9. Youre bringing me down.

CW

Again, repeat after me: Depression is not a choice. A person struggling with depression may feel helpless.
They are struggling to help themselves; the last thing they need is the extra worry and pain of trying to help
you.
What you should say instead: I hate seeing you so down. What can I do to help?

10. What do you even have to be depressed about?

CW

Depression isnt always caused by a traumatic or sad event. Sometimes, it just happens. That doesnt make
it any less serious.
What you should say instead: Im sorry I didnt realize you were struggling, Im here
now.

11. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

CBS

Theres a big difference in feeling sorry for yourself, and struggling with depression, although sometimes the
two go hand in hand.
What you should say instead: I can see that you are struggling, and it makes me
upset. What can I do?

12. You need to go on a run.

Screen Gems

Although exercise can help combat bad days, when someone is struggling with depression it may be too
difficult to even get out of bed some days.
What you should say instead: I need a walking buddy! Will you walk with me?

13. You just need to get out of the house!

Bravo / Via realitytvgifs.tumblr.com

Again, for someone struggling with depression, leaving the house could seem next to impossible. And even
if they do, leaving the house isnt a fix for depression.
What you should say instead: I dont like the thought of you dealing with this alone.
Maybe I can come over or we can go somewhere together.

14. Everyone else is dealing with life, so why cant you?

Vh1

Depression is not a choice. It is not a choice. It happens. And when it happens, it will affect anyone and
everyone differently.
What you should say instead: You seem to be having a difficult time and I just want
you to know that Im here.

15. Youre strong, youll be fine.

ABC

Depression will make anyone feel weak and helpless1.

What you should say instead: I believe in you, and I know you can get through this.
I will be here every step of the way.

Hopelessness

Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism

When you are in a depression, you may not be able to see your way out. It may feel as if there is no light at the end of the tunnel. You may
begin to lose all hope for things improving, for life getting any better.
When youre in the middle of it, you dont know when its going to end. You cant even see the light at the end of the tunnel; its just not there.
You know, you look through the tunnel and all you see is darkness.
Jimmy Brown, Firefighter

This Is What Depression Really Feels Like

As teenagers, we love to exaggerate. Every good day is the best day ever. Every bad day was the worst thing
that has ever happened to anyone, anywhere, ever. That girl in my third period totally cussed me out for like
no reason at all. (Okay, she told me to stop talking so much, then rolled her eyes. hehe...)
You guys get the point I'm sure. But as we become more educated as to what mental illnesses are and who
they impact, it seems like every teen with Twitter has a PhD in psych. The second we have too much caffeine
before school and can't focus in calc, we totes have ADHD. Oh, your friend doesn't like when her room is
messy? Oh my God, complete obsessive compulsive freak. God forbid we have a day where everything goes
wrong. Clearly we are clinically depressed. These exaggerations may seem harmless but they are
desensitizing us to, and sometimes even inadvertently making fun of, actual mental illnesses. You may think
you are just tweeting something in a moment of angst (we all have them), but you could be hurting someone
in the process. We need to get some real info on this subject, and stop diagnosing ourselves and each other
at the drop of a hat.
So let's learn a little bit.
I am going to talk about a disorder I have a lot of experience with. I have seen so many of my peers tweet
about how depressed they are and they're lives are so awful blah blah blah. Yes. We all have bad days. I get
it. But depression is defined as severe despondency and dejection, felt over a period of time and
accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy. There is a humongous difference between
temporary sadness and dissatisfaction with your life, and the sinking desperation that is depression. It sucks
when you don't fit in and you are lonely, but that isn't depression. Depression is the dark emptiness you feel
that makes you believe you can contribute nothing to anyone or anything. You feel like your life means
nothing to anyone.
My inspiration for this article was frustration. I was diagnosed at age 14 with depression, and I am so
frustrated with all of the people around me who cannot differentiate between angst, PMS and mental illness.
I have worked so hard in the last couple years to overcome this illness and it is still a daily battle. It took me
years to even be able to acknowledge that I mattered and realize that people cared about me. There is
nothing more frustrating than someone who says they are clinically depressed because they are feeling sad
that day. It devalues the struggle I and so many others have endured. And to all of the incredibly ignorant
people out there who think just because someone has a nice family, cushy home and pretty belongings does
not mean they can't be depressed -- they lack the chemical serotonin in their brain. It has nothing to do with
the fact that they wear Ferragamos or Target flip-flops.
Essentially, my point is that we need to realize the severity of this and many other mental disorders. They
really do hurt people, so I implore you to stop treating them so casually. Furthermore, if you recognize
yourself in this article, seek help. Visit the crisistextline.org for compassionate help via text if you are
contemplating suicide, or contact the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Your school guidance counselor is
also there for a reason.
If bad days turn into weeks, which turn into months, tell someone. But don't freak out over one daily mishap.

Depression: More Than Just a Bad Mood.

Jennifer West, LCSW

Most people have felt sad or in a bad mood- but depression is more then just having a few bad days. It is an
illness that affects daily functioning and lasts longer than just a few weeks. It is the most common of mental
illnesses: with studies showing that 17 percent of the U.S. population (between 5-12 percent of men and 1020 percent of women) will suffer from at least one depressive episode in their lifetime. Without treatment
it can last for years. With professional treatment- symptoms can and do improve!
Symptoms of Depression: A range of symptoms that may be felt

Inability to find pleasure in things you once enjoyed.

Feelings of hopelessness and/or worthlessness.

Exaggerated sense of guilt or self-blame.

Loss of sexual desire.

Dissatisfaction with life in general

Withdrawal from others or activities.

Neglect of responsibilities and appearance.

Irritability

Impaired memory, inability to concentrate, indecisiveness, and confusion.

Reduced ability to cope with stressors

Chronic fatigue and lack of energy.

Loss of appetite or compulsive eating.

Insomnia, early morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping.

Unexplained headaches, backaches, stomach aches, or nausea.

Causes:
The Causes of depression are varied. Personality, environment or chemical imbalance. It can be the result of
an unhappy event, stress or from a shortage of chemicals in the brain. These imbalances can be a result of
illness, certain medications, an infection, improper diet or genetics.
How can you know it is time to seek professional help?
Sadness or bad days usually don't stay for longer than a few weeks. If your symptoms just don't seem to
resolve themselves- there are trained professionals who can help. If the emotional pain or symptoms seem
to outweigh pleasures much of the time, or if your symptoms are affecting day to day functioning in your job,
social life, family relationships or school- it is time to seek help. At its very worst- if suicide feels like an option
seek immediate help. Call your doctor, go to the ER or a Licensed Mental Health Professional.
How can a counselor help?
educate and empower you with knowledge and hope
help you recognize your own symptoms so as to avoid future episodes
help you learn and build on coping skills
teach you how to challenge depressive thinking and behavior
help you identify support systems
teach communication skills
help you identify and build on your strengths
For more information go to the National Institute of Mental Health at http://www.nimh.nih.gov/

Symptoms of Depression
Although it is often classed as 'mental illness', clinical depression often has as many physical symptoms as
mental. The feelings or emotions that are depression symptoms actually begin to cause the physical effects.
How this happens is a vital part of understanding depression and the symptoms that come with it.
If you are depressed at the moment some of the following symptoms may sound familiar:

You feel miserable and sad.

You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy.

You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.

You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy - you may be off sex or food or may 'comfort eat' to
excess.

You feel very anxious sometimes.

You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.

You find it difficult to think clearly.

You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time.

You feel a burden to others.

You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living.

You can see no future. There is a loss of hope. You feel all you've ever done is make mistakes and that's all
that you ever will do.

You feel irritable or angry more than usual.

You feel you have no confidence.

You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about
yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking
critically about them).

You feel that life is unfair.

You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again. You seem to dream all
night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams.

You feel that life has/is 'passing you by.'

You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain.

It's this wealth of depression symptoms, and the broad scope that confuses many people as to what
depression actually is. Explanations rarely cover all the symptoms, and everybody's experience is different.
The Learning Path will complete the picture for you. You will gain a complete understanding of depression
that incorporates how we think, how depression affects our biology and where the physical symptoms of
depression come from. We will come to that soon, but first a look at the causes of depression.

Causes of Depression
THERE ARE 3 main points of view about the causes of depression. Most commonly held is the view that it is
generally some combination of these three.
1. Depression is a medical disease, caused by a neurochemical or hormonal imbalance.
2.

Depression is caused by certain styles of thinking.

3.

Depression is a result of unfortunate experiences.

While each of these can be argued strongly to be a cause of depression, each also leaves many important
questions unanswered. On the surface, each has a strong case, but none give us the complete picture. Here
are some important considerations:

Although depression causes physical symptoms, and on rare occasions has physical causes, it is not a disease.

A core aspect of depression is thinking styles, but does being a pessimist inevitably cause depression?

Trauma, upheaval or sad experiences can seem to trigger depression, but why in people whose circumstances
are similar, do some suffer from depression and others don't?

How can your thinking style cause the horrific physical symptoms of depression? (This will be answered shortly)

Only when we consider all the aspects surrounding depression can we truly see how the pieces fit together,
giving us a real understanding of the causes of depression, and therefore the best way to beat it.
By looking at the current thinking on these 'causes' of depression, we can piece together a true understanding
of depression and explode some of the myths surrounding it.
1) On depression as a disease
As we have seen, depression is not a disease. The physical symptoms are just that, symptoms, and not causes.
Being depressed can feel like a physical disorder because you often feel exhausted, experience pain, have
changes in appetite, and so on.
A key to understanding depression lies in looking at how the exhaustion and the physical effects of depression
are caused by the link between emotionally arousing thoughts, dreaming and exhaustion. (More on this
soon.)
2) Depression and thinking styles
It's fairly obvious that depression is not an inevitable consequence of things going wrong. Different people
react to adversity in different ways, and this has led to the study of how depressed peoples' thinking styles
compare to those who don't depress.
Inside, often feeling guilty for being depressed as well - 'I should be happy' is the common thought.
Other people can have many external disadvantages and yet never become depressed.
When dealing with depression, it is vital to understand that there are many ways of dealing with adversity,
some of which will tend to cause depression, and others which will not.
3) Depression and events in our lives
A result of bad experiences
Depression is often linked with bad experiences, but can events actually cause depression?
If something awful has happened to you, of course you're going to feel sad, angry, hurt or in shock. And often,
traumatic events can be linked to the onset of depression. This does not, however, mean they cause it.
(Important note: Post traumatic stress disorder can lead to depression due to the continuing emotionally
arousing thoughts it creates. Quite apart from the results of having your life interrupted on an ongoing basis
by horrific memories, the emotional arousal they create can cause depression. We will see how shortly.)
The link between what happens to a person and how they feel as a result depends on how they relate to it.
That does NOT mean that people who become depressed are to be blamed, it simply gives us an insight into
why depression occurs.

This is clear as we're all aware of people enduring the most horrible circumstances imaginable without
becoming clinically depressed.
Events can be seen to be a trigger for depression, but depression is not caused by what happens to us in life
(although every one needs a break sometimes). It's about how we respond and make sense of events.
Depression relies how we explain things to ourselves
Much of clinical depression is about how we interpret reality. And when we start to develop depression
symptoms, a depressive thinking style can seem impossible to break.
By understanding depressive thinking styles, we can begin to see how they form a pattern of thinking, a cycle
of depression, that creates a downward spin and so continues to fuel the depression. We will look at how to
break this cycle later in the Depression Learning Path.

Symptoms
By Mayo Clinic Staff

Although depression may occur only one time during your life, usually people have multiple episodes of
depression. During these episodes, symptoms occur most of the day, nearly every day and may include:

Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness

Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters

Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports

Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much

Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort

Changes in appetite often reduced appetite and weight loss, but increased cravings for food and weight gain
in some people

Anxiety, agitation or restlessness

Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements

Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself for things that aren't your
responsibility

Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things

Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide

Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

For many people with depression, symptoms usually are severe enough to cause noticeable problems in dayto-day activities, such as work, school, social activities or relationships with others. Other people may feel
generally miserable or unhappy without really knowing why.
Depression symptoms in children and teens
Common signs and symptoms of depression in children and teenagers are similar to those of adults, but there
can be some differences.

In younger children, symptoms of depression may include sadness, irritability, clinginess, worry, aches and
pains, refusing to go to school, or being underweight.

In teens, symptoms may include sadness, irritability, feeling negative and worthless, anger, poor performance
or poor attendance at school, feeling misunderstood and extremely sensitive, using drugs or alcohol, eating or
sleeping too much, self-harm, loss of interest in normal activities, and avoidance of social interaction.

Children with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) can demonstrate irritability without sadness or
loss of interest. However, major depression can occur with ADHD.
Depression symptoms in older adults
Depression is not a normal part of growing older, and it should never be taken lightly. Unfortunately,
depression often goes undiagnosed and untreated in older adults, and they may feel reluctant to seek help.
Symptoms of depression may be different or less obvious in older adults, such as:

Memory difficulties or personality changes

Physical aches or pain

Fatigue, loss of appetite, sleep problems, aches or loss of interest in sex not caused by a medical condition
or medication

Often wanting to stay at home, rather than going out to socialize or doing new things

Suicidal thinking or feelings, especially in older men

When to see a doctor

If you feel depressed, make an appointment to see your doctor as soon as you can. If you're reluctant to seek
treatment, talk to a friend or loved one, a health care professional, a faith leader, or someone else you trust.

When to get emergency help

If you think you may hurt yourself or attempt suicide, call 911 or your local emergency number immediately.
Also consider these options if you're having suicidal thoughts:

Call your mental health specialist.

Call a suicide hotline number in the U.S., call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1800-273-8255). Use that same number and press "1" to reach the Veterans Crisis Line.

Seek help from your primary doctor or other health care provider.

Reach out to a close friend or loved one.

Contact a minister, spiritual leader or someone else in your faith community.

If a loved one or friend is in danger of attempting suicide or has made an attempt:

Make sure someone stays with that person

Call 911 or your local emergency number immediately

Or, if you can do so safely, take the person to the nearest hospital emergency room