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it is not okay to have needs. Everyone else's needs appear to be more important
than yours.
it is not okay to have successes. Accomplishments are not acknowledged, are many
times discounted.
Children cannot live up to the expectations of their parents. These expectations are
often unrealistic and not age-appropriate.
Children are held responsible for other people's behavior. They may be consistently
blamed for the actions and feelings of their parents.
Disapproval toward children is aimed at their entire beings or identity rather than a
particular behavior, such as telling a child he is worthless when he does not do his
homework or she is never going to be a good athlete because she missed the final
catch of the game.
Many times abandonment issues are fused with distorted, confused, or undefined
boundaries such as:
When parents do not view children as separate beings with distinct boundaries
When parents are not willing to take responsibility for their feelings, thoughts, and
behaviors, but expect children to take responsibility for them
disapproval for failure create shame as the child cannot realistically live up to the
high expectations. Parental humiliation and punishment for distress, crying or
making a mistake creates the need in the child to try to hide his vulnerability. He
worries incessantly about what others think, fears public failure and stops taking
risks due to fear of social disapproval. He is becomes afraid of rejection and
abandonment.
When parents point the "bony finger of blame" at a child and say "Shame on you.
Shame. Shame. You are a __________. " the child learns to believe that he is
unworthy. He may then act out inappropriately and become what the parent has
labeled him. Doing what the parent has accused him up is the self-fulfilling
prophesy.
The trauma of being bullied or physical and sexual abuse imprints major feelings of
being devalued and unworthy in the victim. Shame can pass from the perpetrator to
the victim. People who live in abusive relationships where they feel helpless learn
the shame-rage cycle. Shame and rage are passed from one person to another
through learning to act like the aggressor.
Some churches use shame to control their members by preaching rigid rules which
are inconsistent with human nature. The more that "hell and damnation" are
emphasized, the more guilt and shame the members will have.
Guilt is a feeling that we did something wrong. Guilt is usually tied to a specific
behavior. Guilt says, "I did something bad. I must pay." Common causes of guilt are
violation of society's' values around sexual and aggressive behavior, issues around
bathroom functions care and being different and being looked down upon by others.
We create guilt and shame in ourselves when we engage in morally-inappropriate
behavior and get caught and there is public humiliation.
Guilt is about actions, shame is about the self. Shame says "I am bad. I am
different." The shame core can build up after engaging in behaviors you know are
wrong. Accumulated guilt by continuing to act in ways that you know are wrong can
turn into shame.
Guilt and shame can build up with repeated incidents of humiliation and lead to
internal global beliefs of "I am unworthy. I don't deserve good things. I am
unlovable. " The feelings around these deep core beliefs are so bad that they must
be avoided at all costs. Other more acceptable feelings such as sadness, anger or
rage get substituted instead.
Shame is the shaper of symptoms. It creates a false self where you cannot be real.
It can create nasty behaviors that you regret later. Repressed shame leads to
substituting more acceptable emotions (to you) such as anger, rage, depression and
anxiety to reduce the internal tension that is so hard to bear. Other defenses of
shame include macho behavior, intellectualization and shutting down feelings.
Controlling, blaming, criticizing or feeling superior to others are other common
defenses to avoid feelings of shame. Engaging in excessive use of alcohol,
substances and addictive behavior may be an indicator of shame. Drunken behavior
may then cause more shame. Engaging in behaviors that society frowns upon
creates more guilt and shame.
Rage is always about entitlement and feeling insecure inside. The person believes
he has the right to vent and yell to get the other person to back off. He uses anger
to intimidate others to get them to leave you alone. Bad behavior works to reduce
the threat, but it damages relationships.
At some point in your, the old defenses of anger, rage and running away from pain
no longer work. Shame comes up big time. Your life crashes and you hit an
Understanding how shame works helps release it. Shame can be released through
owning it, talking about it and processing the original painful experiences.
Uncomfortable feeling can be accessed and worked through with the help of a
skillful therapist. The shame reduction work must be experiential; it usually cannot
be released on an intellectual level. Laughter about one's predicament sometimes
helps shift shame energies.
You can learn to become a detective on your own emotions and behavior so you can
break into the hormonal hijackings that spiral you into bad behavior. You can learn
to detach and become an observer of your own internal state of shame choosing not
to shut down the painful feelings but to stay present and learn from them. When
you get upset, step back and watch how the ugly adrenalin-driven behavior takes
away from being the person you really want to be. The shame-rage link was
learned. The association between hormones and bad behavior can be unlearned.
You can learn to break into beliefs of being entitled to scream and yell to shut the
others down. You can break the belief of "I get to hurt others by my ugly words
because I feel an uncomfortable feeling." You can stop the attitude of "I earn the
money here so I get to do what I want and violence is justified. You can learn better
communication skills. You can stop focusing on blaming your partner and take
responsibility for your part of the problem. You can try to see the issue through your
partner's eyes. This is about finally becoming a grown up!
The cleaning out of the global beliefs of "I am bad. I am a bad person. I am not safe.
I will be rejected because I am unworthy. I will be abandoned." takes time and
exploration but it can be done with a therapist who understands the process of
shame release and can stay present with unconditional love. The other side of
shame is "I am worthy even though I make mistakes. I am a good person even if I
get angry. I am lovable." The truth is that you are a beautiful person who was
shamed as a child and you now need to claim yourself as being worthy of being
loved.
Bring the integrity of who you are forward and work your early painful issues
through to create a different understanding of the early painful experiences that
caused shame. Turning the shame over to something greater than oneself can
negate those global beliefs of unworthiness.
Feelings of guilt and shame can be worked out with a competent, compassionate
therapist. When shame release work is combined in therapy with assertiveness
training and learning to speak up and say no, to state boundaries and to share
feelings, self esteem zooms upward.
No easy task, but there it is. By careful monitoring and studying your shame and
rage and breaking into them you can become the master of your feelings. If this is
the work that you came to do, then the higher part of who you are says, "Let's be
about the work!"
For further information about shame, read The Drama Triangle, Scapegoating and all
the articles on family violence and narcissism on the Angries Out web site at
www.AngriesOut.com.
conditioned her to believe that she is unworthy and unacceptable in this state, she
quickly becomes anxious and ashamed. This in turn activates her Inner Critic to
goad her with perfectionistic and endangering messages. The critic clamors: "No
wonder no one likes you. Get your lazy, worthless ass going or you'll end up as a
wretched bag lady on the street"! Retraumatized by her own inner voice, she then
launches into her most habitual 4F behavior. She lashes out at the nearest person
as she becomes irritable, controlling and pushy (Fight/ Narcissistic) - or she launches
into busy productivity driven by negative, perfectionistic and catastrophic thinking
(Flight/Obsessive-Compulsive)- or she flips on the TV and becomes dissociated,
spaced out and sleepy (Freeze/ Dissociative)- or she focuses immediately on solving
someone's else's problem and becomes servile, self-abnegating and ingratiating
(Fawn/Codependent). Unfortunately this dynamic also commonly operates in
reverse, creating perpetual motion cycles of internal trauma as 4F acting out also
gives the critic endless material for self-hating criticism, which in turn amps up fear
and shame and finally compounds the abandonment depression with a non-stop
experience of self-abandonment. Here is a diagram of these dynamics: Triggered
ABANDONMENT DEPRESSION -- FEAR&SHAME --INNER CRITIC Activation:
(Perfectionism & Endangerment) -- 4F's: (Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn Response).
Especially noteworthy here is how the inner critic can interact with fear and shame
in a particular vicious and escalating cycle.
not an all-or-none phenomenon, but rather a continuum that begins with excessive
depression and ends in the most severe cases with death. Many PTSD survivors
"thrived" very poorly, and perhaps at times lingered near the end of the continuum
where they were close to death, if not physically, then psychologically. When a child
is consistently abandoned, her developing superego eventually assumes totalitarian
control of her psyche and carcinogenically morphs into a toxic Inner Critic. She is
then driven to desperately seek connection and acceptance through the numerous
processes of perfectionism and endangerment described in my article "Shrinking
The Inner Critic in Complex PTSD" (see link for this article: Shrinking the Inner
Critic). Her inner critic also typically becomes emotional perfectionistic, as it
imitates her parent's contempt of her emotional pain about abandonment. The child
learns to judge her dysphoric feelings as the cause of her abandonment. Over time
her affects are repressed, but not without contaminating her thinking processes.
Unfelt fear, shame and depression are transmuted into thoughts and images so
frightening, humiliating and despairing that they instantly trigger escapist 4F acting
out. Eventually even the mildest hint of fear or depression, no matter how functional
or appropriate, is automatically deemed as danger-ridden and overwhelming as the
original abandonment. The capacity to self-nurturingly weather any experience of
depression, no matter how mild, remains unrealized. The original experience of
parental abandonment devolves into self-abandonment. The ability to stay
supportively present to all of one's own inner experience gradually disappears.
Camouflaged Depression
Feelings of depression sometimes mimic gnawings of hunger, especially the
emotions of abandonment which commonly masquerade as physiological
sensations. Feeling very hungry a hour or two after a big meal is an almost certain
signal of abandonment feelings and not real hunger. As much as this hunger
appears to be about food, it is actually an emotional hunger - an emotional longing
for safe, nurturing connection and for the satiation of abandonment. Even after a
decade of practice, I still find it difficult to differentiate this type of attachment
hunger from physical hunger. One, often, reliable clue is that the sensation of
longing for the nourishment of attachment is usually in my small intestine, while
physical hunger's locus is a little higher up in my stomach. (I believe the extreme
longing for sex and/or love typical of sex and love addiction can similarly be an
encounter with our abandonment depression, especially when no amount of
affection or sexual attention from another seems to fill the void of longing).
Pseudo-Cyclothymia
It is a sad irony that reacting to emotional tiredness in this way can eventually
exacerbate it into real physical exhaustion via a process I call the The Cyclothymic
Two-Step. PTSD sufferers with a primary or secondary flight response frequently
overreact to their tiredness with workaholic or busyholic action. They run so
compulsively from their depression, that they eventually exhaust themselves
physically, and at times become too depleted or sick to continue running. When this
occurs, they collapse into an experience of abandonment so painful, that they relaunch desperately into "flight" speed at the first sign of replenished adrenalin. I
have witnessed a number of such clients misdiagnose themselves as bipolar
because of the extremes that ensue from desperately pursuing the adrenalin high
and eschewing the abandonment low.
We can sometimes gain motivation for this difficult work by seeing our depressed
feelings as messages from our developmentally arrested child who is flashing back
to his abandonment in hopes that his adult self will respond to him in a more
comforting, compassionate and appropriate way.
Through such practice, clients can gradually achieve the healing that the Buddhists
call separating necessary suffering (normal depression) from unnecessary suffering
(the internal hopelessness, shame and fear, and the life-constricting acting out that
ensues from unnecessary engagements with the critic and the 4F's).
Understanding Childrens Emotions: Pride and Shame
Children need to know that we are proud of them.
Published on May 14, 2012 by Kenneth Barish, Ph.D. in Pride and Joy
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Discussions of childrens motivations and behavior too often overlook the
importance of feelings of pride and shame. A childs need to feel proud, and to
avoid feelings of shame, is a fundamental motivation, and remains fundamental,
throughout her life. It would be difficult to overestimate the importance of these
emotions in the psychological development - and emotional health - of our children.
Children experience feelings of shame when they suffer any social rejection; when
they are unable to learn; when they are defeated in competition; when they are
bullied, insulted, or taunted; and when they seek acceptance and approval from
admired adults but are, instead, subjected to criticism or derogation. When children
tell us that they are anxious, they are often anxious about the possibility of feeling
ashamed.
Related Links
Dont Tell Your Children Theyre Competent
5 Dangerous Things Parents Should Do to Their Children
What Do Your Expectations Communicate to Your Children?
Parenting: The Sad Misuse of Self-esteem
Is Blaming Parents for "Failure to Launch" a Red Herring?
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I can still recall, more vividly and poignantly than I would like, moments of shame
from many years ago when, as a son (and as a father), I let my parents (and my
children) down. Although I have long since been forgiven for these personal failures,
my memories are still painful. Thankfully, I am able to put these moments in
perspective; they are now more than balanced by moments of pride. In this way, we
should also help our children put in perspective their own moments of
embarrassment and failure.
When children are successful and feel proud, they instinctively look to others. When
they fail and feel ashamed, they look away. This is in the nature of pride and shame.
The universal behavior associated with the emotion of shame is concealment; we all
attempt to hide or cover up what we are ashamed of. Pride is the antithesis of
shame. The feeling of pride is accompanied by an outward movement and a desire
to show and tell others, to exhibit or show off. Pride is expansive, both in action and
in our imagination. Shame contracts, in our posture (our shoulders fall in and we
look downward and away) and in our thoughts and imaginationin our setting of
goals and in what we consider possible for ourselves.
Especially, children want their parents to share in their pride and to be proud of
them. Our childrens feeling - their inner certainty - that we are proud of them is an
essential good feeling, an anchor that sustains them in moments of
discouragement, aloneness, and defeat. Our feeling that our parents are proud of us
is a motivating and sustaining force throughout our lives, and a protective factor in
the emotional lives of our children. The opposite is also true. Parental scorn is
among the most deeply destructive forces in the psychological development of any
child.
When, as parents, we fail to express pride in our children, when we are frequently
dismissive, critical, or disapproving, our children will be more vulnerable to
emotional and behavioral problems of all kinds. They will live, more than they
should, with discouragement and resentment. These feelings will then come to be
We therefore need to let our children know, as often as we can, that we are proud of
them for their effort and for their accomplishments. And we should not be afraid
to spoil them with this form of praise.