PFLAG Buffalo-Niagara

PFLAG Buffalo/Niagara
Parents, Families, Friends and Allies United with LGBTQ People

PO Box 617
Buffalo, NY 14207
716-883-0384

February Sharing Meeting

Sunday, February 21st
2:30 - 5:00
Kenilworth United Church of Christ
45 Dalton Drive
Tonawanda 14221
info@pflagbuffalo.org
www.pflagbuffalo.org
www.facebook.com/pflag.niagara

Monthly sharing meetings are held at Kenilworth United Church of Christ, 45 Dalton Drive, Tonawanda 14223,
from 2:30-5:00. Newcomers and anyone interested will be offered the option of meeting privately with a PFLAG
parent. Our monthly meetings are in the library, which is near the parking lot entrance. The facility is
handicapped accessible. New Parents Meetings are scheduled as needed at a location convenient to those
involved. These self-help one-on-one meetings deal with the concerns of parents and family members who
have recently learned that a loved one is gay.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
We meet because we have learned that someone very close to us is Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, or Transgender. We try to help one
another deal with this information in a positive manner. Although we do not agree at all times, we try to be understanding. We
offer help to those who seek it, but do not force ourselves on others. We strive to maintain anonymity while sharing on a level that
is comfortable for all of us. We encourage all to attend meetings for their own.

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PFLAG Buffalo/Niagara

AN INSPIRING MEETING: WARM AND AFFIRMING WORDS ON A SNOWY DAY

Rev. Langdon Hubbard, Rev. Jan Hubbard, Rev. Ellen Brauza, and Rev. Gerard R. Williams

PFLAG Buffalo/Niagaras annual Spiritual Roundtable was held Sunday, January 17 th.
Though heavy snow and illness kept some scheduled speakers away, a panel of four spiritual
leaders from various faith communities spoke with passion to the PFLAG audience.

Rev. Ellen

Brauza of St. Andrews Episcopalian Church, Reverend Jan Hubbard of the Trinity United
Methodist Church, Rev. Langdon Hubbard of the First Presbyterian Church of East Aurora, and
Rev. Gerard R. Williams of Unity Fellowship Church in Buffalo spoke with passion and outreach
about their strong stance welcoming and affirming LGBT people.
Rev. Jan Hubbard shared the passages that are frequently used to condemn homosexuality
and showed how these words, used as weapons, need to be understood in their true context
and the lesson is not one of condemnation. Rev. Brauza shared how her mother church has
taken steps backward as to equality but this does not change what her individual church is
doing. Rev. Williams told of his frustration with other churches that say they are welcoming

PFLAG Buffalo-Niagara

and affirming but are not truly committed to being so. Rev. Langdon Hubbard shared how the
repercussions when he performed a same-sex marriage but how that makes his conviction for
equality even stronger.
Also, the pastors discussed their roles as welcoming and affirming forces and how marriage
equality has affected their churches.
Many questions were asked; enlightening and helpful responses were shared. Suggestions
were given to have PFLAG host or partner with a group to have a similar panel meet with local
teen LGBT youth.
The interaction between speakers and PFLAG members was honest and powerful; this
inspiring discussion on the religious focus of love was a key takeaway from this very special
day and sharing.

Rev. Brauza, middle, tells of recent developments in her church and the international pressures upon it.

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PFLAG Buffalo/Niagara

BACK TO THE BASICS

Much of the information below from.plannedparenthood.org is what PFLAG parents
already know and practice. But this information never gets old, and this newsletter
may be one to share, especially with a new parent or loved one looking for support.
Please read to refresh and consider sharing with others.

PARENTING LGBT AND QUESTIONING CHILDREN AT A GLANCE

www.plannedparenthood.org

Our lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans (LGBT) and questioning kids need to know that we will love
them no matter what.
They need our help to be safe and find their way in the world.
Our LGBT and questioning kids also need support from the broader LGBT community.

One out of four families has someone in it who is lesbian, gay, bisexual, or trans.
Even more may have kids who question their sexuality at various points. There are
millions of LGBT and questioning kids in the U.S. today. Most LGBT youth successfully
get through adolescence with similar challenges to all youth. But because of bias, life is
difficult for many of them. Some run away from their families. Millions live with their
families in fear of losing their love and support if it is discovered that they are not
straight. More and more families are looking for ways to help their LGBT and
questioning children feel loved and secure.
Whether you have an LGBT or questioning child in your family or are a concerned
partner, friend, or other family member, you may have many questions about helping
LGBT or questioning kids feel safe, secure, and loved. Here are the answers to some
questions people commonly ask about parenting LGBT or questioning children.
What to Do if My Child Comes Out to Me
Coming out is the process of accepting and telling others about ones sexual
orientation or gender identity such as being bisexual, lesbian, gay, or transgender.
Whether we are straight or LGBT ourselves, parents need to be as loving as
possible when our sons or daughters choose to come out to us about their sexual
orientation or their gender identity. It takes courage for children to come out to their

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parents. When our children come out, it means that they have begun to accept
themselves for who they are. It also shows that they want to have an open and honest
relationship with us.
The most important thing to do is to listen whether we are relieved or whether
its news that shocks or upsets us. In many cases, our children have a lot to get off
their chests.
To help our children say everything they might want to say, we may ask questions
such as How long have you known? How did you know? Why do you want me to
know now? Are you in a relationship? How are you feeling about it all?
We should respect and affirm their answers and be patient if they arent yet
prepared to answer some questions.
This is not the time to criticize. If we have any confused or negative feelings about
our child being LGBT, its best to keep them to ourselves until we can think about them
for a while. It may help to talk with someone at PFLAG. During future conversations
with our child, we can find ways to talk thoughtfully, respectfully, and lovingly about
any challenges or disappointments we feel.
Its important to realize that we might not be the first people our children come out
to. We should try not to feel left out if our children have already come out to friends or
other members of our families before they come out to us.
People come out in stages. First they come out to themselves.
Because they are particularly afraid of losing their parents love and respect, kids
often practice coming out with friends and then siblings before they feel comfortable
enough to do it with their parents.
No matter how surprised or concerned we may be, the most important goal in this
conversation is to let our children know that they are safe and loved.
So it is very important to tell kids that, I love you, have always loved you, and will
always love you, no matter what. Good, long hugs can be helpful, too.

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PFLAG Buffalo/Niagara

How to Keep LGBT Children Safe and Secure

LGBT and questioning kids face many challenges socially, and some of them may be
dangerous. The challenges they face can make it difficult for them to feel secure as
they make their way in the world. Bisexual kids may need special affirmation because
many people in the straight, lesbian, and gay communities wrongly believe that
bisexuals are really gay but wont admit it. While it may take a while for people to fully
understand their sexual orientation, it is very important to remember that bisexuality is
a real sexual orientation. The best way to help LGBT and questioning kids be safe and
secure as they find their way in the world is to understand and support the world they
live in. Here are a few suggestions to help them do that:

Ask how we might help them.

Never out them without their permission. Let kids decide when, where, and to
whom they want to come out.

We can ask them if they want us to help them come out by telling other family or
friends, but we should never do it without their permission.

Offer advice and help them think through their coming out decisions so that they
can avoid taking unnecessary risks.

Make sure they know how to practice safer sex and how to use birth control if
they ever have sex with people of the opposite sex.

Learn about the world they live in and support our kids involvement with the
LGBT community online and in real life.
We can listen to their stories. Spend time with them. Ask questions such as Are

you in touch with anyone else in the LGBT community? Are you getting support from
them? Is anyone harassing you?
We can learn about the LGBT community from our LGBT or questioning children,

PFLAG Buffalo-Niagara

from other parents, from LGBT friends and neighbors, and from online, print, video,
and film materials from reliable sources, such as Planned Parenthood, PFLAG (Parents,
Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), Advocates for Youth, and the Human
Rights Campaign. We can help our kids get to LGBT community centers or Gay-Straight
alliances. Just as we can help them find helpful websites, we can help them avoid those
that might not be.

Defend them against discrimination. We can advocate for our children with family
members, teachers, school officials, health care providers, religious leaders, and
social services professionals who are responsible for creating safe environments
for LGBT and questioning kids. We can vote for political leaders who are
accepting of LGBT and questioning people and who will protect their rights.

Support our kids right to have loving relationships. Its a good idea to get to
know our childrens partners and friends.

Help them believe that life will be good to them in the future.

Support our childrens life goals, even if they are different from our own.

Let our children find their way without pressure from us.

Take pride in our kids ability to have a loving relationship

Do not let family members or anyone else try to pressure them to change or go
into reparative therapy. Such efforts do not work and can be emotionally
dangerous.

Keep saying, I love you.

We can also help our teens by setting boundaries for them.

How Do I Help my Trans Son or Daughter?
As for all children, happiness also begins at home for gender non-conforming
trans kids. To create a loving, safe space in your home for a trans child is to do all

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PFLAG Buffalo/Niagara

the things you would do for a lesbian, gay, or bisexual child. With trans kids it is also
important to ask them what names and pronouns they would like used when we talk
with them or about them. Switching what names and pronouns we use for our children
may be difficult at first, but becomes easier in time.
Trans kids may also need help in thinking about hormone therapy and surgical
gender reassignment. Both of these options have permanent effects so it is very
important to listen to one another very carefully and get professional help in your
discussions as you consider the best options for your childs possible transition. For
pre-adolescent trans children, it is possible to postpone their transition decisions with
hormone treatments that help to suppress puberty.
As a starting place, parents of trans children may benefit from reading
PFLAGs Welcoming Our Trans Family and Friends A Support Guide for Parents,
Families, and Friends of Transgender and Gender Non-Conforming People.
How Do I Help my Questioning Son or Daughter?
The first thing we need to do is to let our daughter or son know that being lesbian,
gay, bisexual, trans, straight, or questioning is perfectly okay. Its as much a part of
each of us as being short or tall, left-handed or right-handed, brown-eyed or blueeyed, dark-skinned or light-skinned.
Our children might look to us for a definitive answer. Resist taking your best guess
at your childs sexual orientation or gender identity it is not a question someone can
answer for another person.
Help your child understand that it takes time to know who you are. For some people
it takes a lifetime. So theres no need to rush.
We can also reassure our questioning children that they are not alone. Thousands
and thousands of kids have questions about who they are, what they will become, and
how normal it is for people to be like them. Let them know that they can relax and take
their time. And keep telling them, I love you, and I will love you, no matter what.

PFLAG Buffalo-Niagara

How Do I Take Care of Myself and Come to Terms with Confused or Negative
Feelings I May Have?
Many parents find it difficult to accept the sexual orientation or gender identity of
their children. Many of us were brought up to believe that being LGBT or questioning is
wrong or sinful. Many find it difficult to let go of the dreams we had for our children to
get married to a member of the other sex and provide us with biological grandchildren.
It can be difficult for many parents to accept that there is nothing we can do to change
our childrens sexual orientation or gender identity. We may even blame ourselves for
causing our childrens sexual orientation even though there is no research to support
that idea.
For all kinds of reasons, many of us find that we are frustrated, angry, confused,
remorseful, shamed, grieved, or hurt when our children come out. Here are some
things we can do to relieve those negative feelings

Try to realize that our negative feelings are coming from us, not from our
children.

Think about the beliefs, hopes, and disappointments that may be behind those
feelings.

Think about ways we can generously reshape the beliefs and hopes that are
causing the negative feelings we have.

Educate ourselves about sexual orientation and gender identity by turning to

reliable sources.

Talk with, or read the stories of, parents who have gone through this themselves.

Look for guidance from our faith community if it is one that is accepting and
supportive of LGBT and questioning people. Take our time.

Dont blame ourselves.

Dont try to make our children into something they are not.

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PFLAG Buffalo/Niagara

Many parents straight, LGBT, or questioning have turned to PFLAG. It is an

organization that offers support for parents who are having a hard time understanding,
accepting, and celebrating their LGBT or questioning children. PFLAG has more
than 250 chapters in all 50 states. It is a very reliable organization for helping parents
come to terms with their LGBT or questioning children by talking with other parents
who have had a hard time with it.
Some parents become severely depressed about the sexual orientation or gender
identity of their children. If this should happen, it would probably be very helpful to
seek a gay-positive professional for help.
The key to getting through these challenges is love. Just as we want to give love and
hope to our children, it is equally important that we give love and hope to ourselves.

PFLAG Buffalo-Niagara, is a non-profit, all volunteer, community-based organization not

affiliated with any ethnic, religious, economic or political group. Membership is open to all.
PFLAG membership lists are kept confidential.

We hope you like reading these newsletter articles; we also share current articles on our Facebook page.
Please consider liking us on Facebook and reading articles all month long at
www.facebook.com/pflag.niagara

PFLAG Buffalo-Niagara

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PFLAG Buffalo/Niagara Board of Directors

Phil Salemi, Jr. President

Amy Fularz, Vice President

Brian Carrier, Treasurer Michele Perry, Secretary

Directors- Lisbeth Ball, David Barrett, Sharon Barrett, Ann Carrier, and Julie Christiano