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APRIL 2012

The
11
Laws
of
Likability
Relationship Networking
Because People Do Business with People They Like
by Michelle Tillis Lederman

Are You Likable?

How to Increase Your Attraction Factor

QUICK OVERVIEW
Schmoozingthe word, just like the actions behind it, seems phony. Sure, you want
people to like you, but does getting people to like you require putting on a mask and
pretending to be something youre not? Does it require schmoozing? Absolutely not,
says author Michelle Tillis Lederman. In The 11 Laws of Likability, Lederman explains
you have a much better chance of connecting with others if your actions, thoughts and
words are authentic to you.
Ultimately, Ledermans book is about networkingconnecting with others in a
meaningful way. But to attain that goal, she challenges readers to first examine their
behaviors and attitudes. Once you get your mindset in check, she shows you how to
engage people in conversations and eventually establish long-term relationships. The
11 lawsauthenticity, self-image, perception, energy, curiosity, listening, similarity,
mood memory, familiarity, giving and patiencework together to create an effective,
natural system for creating and maintaining relationships. This summary focuses on
four of the 11 laws: authenticity, self-image, energy and familiarity.
With practical applications and real-life stories that make these laws tangible,
this book is engaging and extremely helpful. If you ever feel like youre forcing
conversations or missing out on networking opportunities, youll appreciate the tools
youll find in The 11 Laws of Likability.

APPLY AND ACHIEVE


Authenticity is a must-have trait in todays transparent society. But Lederman
cautions that being authentic can be difficult if youre dealing with people you dont
particularly like. Our gut reaction may be to try hiding our true feelings, while in
our minds we fume about how irritating the person in question is, she writes. The
problem, of course, is that these attempts to hide our true feelings require us to be
fake, and more often than not, such behaviors are completely transparent.
So, whats the alternative to plastering on a smile and gritting your teeth? Instead of
focusing on the characteristic you dislike about the person, find the good. Lederman
asks the following questions to help you gain a new perspective:

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AMACOM
2012, Michelle Tillis Lederman
ISBN: 9780814416372
226 pages, $16.95

SUCCESS Points
In this book youll learn:
You dont have to be an
extrovert to be a great
networker
H
ow to approach
new people and start
conversations
To what extent your
perception shapes your
reality
How your energy affects the
people around you
How to continue the
conversation after the
networking event

SUCCESS.com SUCCESS BOOK SUMMARIES

The 11 Laws of Likability

Can you find compassion and understanding for the person


whose strengths might be your own weaknesses?
Can you find compassion and understating for the person
who reflects things back to you about yourself that youd
rather not face?
Just as important, in either situation, can you find
compassion and understanding for yourself?
With unbiased eyes, look at the person whos under your
skin and find something that you can admire or appreciate,
Lederman suggests. Doing so will empower you to interact
with that individual from an authentic place.

any networking experts urge people to be strategic


and deliberate to a fault, focusing on how to work
a room and get in front of key people. The act of
meeting people and seeking connections begins to
feel like a dreaded chore, and when it feels like something you have
to do rather than want to do, its hard to motivate yourself to do it
at all, let alone do it well.
Contrary to what many networking experts counsel (and what
I, too, used to believe), every interaction does not need to have
an intent or a specific objective. We do not need to focus with
laserlike precision on what our takeaway from a conversation will
be, because building relationships is not about transactionsits
about connections. It is about creating opportunities for honest
and authentic interactions, and making them advantageous for all
parties involved. Its about liking and being liked.
Tapping into likability doesnt mean making everything all
perky and bright and constantly being happy. In some ways
its just the opposite. Harnessing likability is about uncovering
what is authentically likablein you, in the other person, in
your connection. It is through the strength of what is genuine
that meaningful connections build into relationships. The term
networking is simply another way to think about how to start a
relationship. Our relationships are our network. Whether they
stem from business or personal situations, our relationships are
what support us, connect us, and allow us to progress in all aspects
of our lives.
To fully engage the power of likability, we need to understand
what it is and how it works: We are all, obviously, different, and
thats a fact to be celebrated and embraced. What makes each of
us likable is distinct to us. But the basic drivers of likability are the
same for us all. I call them the 11 laws of likability.

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This new likability-based paradigm for networking and building


relationships minimizes moments of inauthenticity and missed
opportunities. Instead, Ill show you how to uncover what is
inherently likable about yourself, and how to share those qualities
with the people you meet to create relationships that are honest
and real, and that lead to win-win situations for everyone involved.
By approaching your interactions through the lens of likability, you
can expect to be happier, more comfortable, and more successful
in establishing meaningful relationships.

THE LAW OF AUTHENTICITY


What does it mean to be authentic? The particulars are different
for each of us, of course, because we all have different attitudes,
behaviors, beliefs, skill sets, knowledge, goals, and values. In a
general sense, though, authenticity is the same for everyone: It is
about being your true self. This is the law of authenticity: The real
you is the best you.
What is it that goes through our minds when we are not being
ourselves? Over the years I have asked many people this question
and the most frequent answers are:
I dont like this situation, but Im trying to be polite about it.
I dont like this person, but Im trying to act in an
appropriate way.
I need to act more like a successful person does.
If people dont respond positively to me, at least Ill have an
excuse if I dont act like myself.
I am uncomfortable and dont know what to do about it.
And what is consistent about all these responses? They either
represent things we feel we should do or a general fear of feeling
vulnerable. We put on a false face when, for whatever reasons, we
dread a situation or feel we are not up to it.
Authenticity is the keystone to likability. The real you is
the best you, and its the most powerful tool for forming
real connections.
To start identifying, in an explicit way, what it means to
be your authentic self, pay attention to how you feel at the
beginning of a new interaction and how you feel at the end of it.
Whatever your internal responses to a situation, analyze what
they were and why you had them. Your answers should reveal
information about the kinds of experiences that prompt you to
shy away from representing your true self, and those in which
you feel effortlessly authentic. Use these perceptions about what
feels naturally right and true as your home base knowledge,
SUCCESS.com SUCCESS BOOK SUMMARIES

The 11 Laws of Likability

returning to it when you need to reconnect with what


authenticity means for you.

THE LAW OF SELF-IMAGE


To make meaningful connections in an authentic way, you have
to project the best parts of your true self. In other words, before
you expect others to like you, you have to like youthat is the law
of self-image.
Many of us are aware of our basic strengths, and can often
exude confidence in a variety of situations, but even the most
self-assured among us have our moments of self-doubt. The trick
is learning how to work through them. One top executive I know
confided to me that it took him years to feel as if he was really
worthy of playing with the big dogs. He recounted how, as he
rose up the corporate ladder, he would often find himself sitting
in a meeting, looking around and thinking, Wow, my colleagues
are really on top of their game. Can I hold my own with them?
Each time, he took these moments of self-doubt as a challenge
to reassess his value and worth and strengthen his self-image
by reconnecting with what he knew he could contribute to his
workplace, not what he couldnt. Over time he trained himself to
embody this awareness of his assets. His career thrived apace with
his positive self-image.
Most of us are much harder on ourselves than we are on other
people. We would agree that it is not right to be mean or petty or
judgmental toward other people, so why is it okay when we do
that to ourselves?
Perception is reality, and self-image is self-perception. When
we dont follow up with potential clients because we assume
that they have better offers or wont switch to another business
provider, when we dont pursue a new position because we
assume that there are stronger candidates, we are affirming our
negative assumptions as our reality.
When you find yourself having self-doubting or self-sabotaging
thoughts, you need to ask yourself, Do I want to be right about
this? Right about not landing the client or not getting the job? If
your answer is No, then you need to change your reality.
One way to change your reality is to fake it till you make it
real. At first glance, Fake it till you make it seems to counsel
inauthenticity, but thats not the true point of the saying, which
is why I like to clear up the confusion by using, Fake it till you
make it real. The purpose is to try on what it might look and feel
like to perceive of ourselves in new ways, or to act differently than
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were accustomed to. By stretching out of our comfort zonesor


as some would say, faking itwe can grow comfortable with
these new modes of thought and action until they eventually
become normal or real to us.

THE LAW OF ENERGY


Think about a recent situation that went well for you. If you had
to describe your mood during that moment and your approach
to the situation, what would you say? Whatever words you use,
describe the vibe you were giving off and the energy you were
putting out. Your description should encapsulate the feeling the
other person or people were getting from you, perhaps even
before you said a word.
Sometimes people might even sum up their natural energy
and approach to life as a motto: Never let them see you sweat,
or Youre never fully dressed without a smile. These are
their words to live by, and they can encapsulate energy in a
distilled, tangible way. Energy is derived from both your natural
personality and your actual mood in a moment. You can feel your
own energy in your body, your face, your stance, even in the way
you are breathing. Other people pick up on these signals and on
the words you choose in a given moment. Likewise, you pick up
on the energy of others and respond to it in kind.

The real you is the best you,


and its the most powerful tool
for forming real connections.
The kind of energy we bring to a situation impacts the ways
our interactions with the world unfold. Energy is contagious
that is the law of energy. Our own output of energy can energize
other people or deflate them, contribute to productivity or add
to the confusion. Energy affects the course of interactions and
facilitates connections.
Your energy during an interaction will be picked up on by
others and influence the outcome. What you give off is what
you get back, so getting your energy to an optimal place before
entering a situation can make all the difference. The key is
to enable the energy that is going to best serve the situation.
When we understand that energy is something we create, we
SUCCESS.com SUCCESS BOOK SUMMARIES

can work on driving that energy rather than having it drive us. In
other words, know what energy is most useful to bring to a given
situation or when dealing with a specific person, and get yourself to
that optimal place so that you can better influence the outcome.

Do It, Reframe It, or


Delete It
When you make the choices you want to make, not the
ones you think you should make, you allow your authentic
self to emerge. Its not just about choosing the situations
you want to partake in, but also about deciding how to
respond to events once they are in motion.
There are four basic attitudes that we bring to each
situation, and they can reaffirm what is authentic for us or
help us readjust our approaches to let the authentic in.
Get To: This is how you think about the things that make
you feel genuinely giddy, alert, and excited.
Want To: These are the things that you freely choose
to do, even though choosing and achieving them is not
always easy.
Have To: These are the things you dread, even though
they must be done.
Should: These are the things that society, your
company, or some other outside force think it would be
good for you to do, and even though you may agree with
those notions, the things in this category are not ones you
want to do, but rather ones you feel obligated to do.

Your Energy Knowledge of You


We all have an energy persona. This persona is driven by our
natural personality and general outlook on lifehow we tend
to view and react to different situations. What do you already
know about your own energy? And are you aware of how other
people read it? Even when the energy we are transmitting is
good, it is important to understand what it is, and to adjust
it at times to achieve varying results. Good energy doesnt
necessarily mean happy.
Rather, it means whatever is productive and authentic for the
situation and for you in that situation. For example, my friend
Mary is a reporter by profession and naturally inquisitive, often
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asking lots of questions about whats going on in her friends lives


when they get together. But she noticed that frequently her friends
didnt ask questions of her in return. Her energy persona was one
of natural, perhaps constant, curiosity, and it was apparent to her
friends, but to build the friendships in a way that opened up avenues
for more give-and-take, Mary had to consciously adjust her natural
tendency to ask questions and insert her own experiences at the
right moments during these conversations. Sure, there were one or
two friends who were too self-absorbed to pick up on Marys effort
to adjust her energy, but most of her friends, whether consciously
or not, noticed and began talking to Mary about what was going on
in her own life.
Understanding our own energy lets us know when its working
for us and when its working against us. Adjustments to that energy
at critical times can alter the energy of a given situation, making it
more productive and fulfilling for all involved, increasing likability
and the opportunities for connections.

The Networking Application:


Another Kind of Energy
Some people have a visceral negative response to the word
networking. Others relish it, and some of us, well, our reaction
depends on our energy at that moment and what we anticipate
of the situation.
Use your energy knowledge of yourself to determine your
networking. Under what circumstances does your best authentic
energy come through? For instance, do you have the most natural
positive energy during lunch or dinner situations, where you talk
in a focused way with one or two people at your table? Or is your
natural energy best at events such as cocktail receptions, where
there is the opportunity to have brief interactions with many
different people? Do you connect most positively with others at
daytime events, or at those that happen after working hours?
Our energy ebbs and flows with different situations, locations,
atmospheres, and times of day. Once we understand our
networking energy, we can use it to create opportunities that
align most fruitfully with how we naturally are. When you choose
situations in which you are most comfortablein other words,
those that match your networking energyyour authentic self
emerges. Remember, though, that its important to stretch yourself.
This doesnt mean pretending to be comfortable when youre not,
but rather actively shifting your energy in certain situations
to broaden the scope and depth of your interactions. If your
SUCCESS.com SUCCESS BOOK SUMMARIES

The
Book11Title
Laws of Likability

energy persona is naturally boisterous and you find that you are
often at the center of conversations in networking situations,
you may want to show that you can also be a good listener. If you
more naturally assume a thoughtful, measured approach, look for
opportunities to display how you can drive conversations too. By
expanding the limits of when and how we can emit our authentic
energy, we increase our potential for making and building
meaningful connections.

Shift Your Energy


When entering a situation where you dont feel as if you
are putting your best foot forward, shift your energy to let
the positive, authentic you come through. Think about
the emotion you want to embody and then conjure up a
memory of a very specific time when you felt that way.
Recall as many details as you can to make the memory
as strong as possible: Hear the client comment on the
effectiveness of your solution, the look of admiration from
your colleagues, remember what it felt like to accomplish
that monumental task on time and on budget. What
happens?
If you practice this simple technique, you will find that
your body relaxes, you feel more naturally confident,
and your energy shifts toward the memory energythat
positive energyyou are reconnecting with. Carry this
energy shift with you into the new situation and that is the
energy youll give off.

THE LAW OF FAMILIARITY


The laws of likability build on one another. After you have
already fostered connections and initiated familiarity with someone
during an interaction, you can continue to develop that familiarity
when the encounter is over. Once youve met and decided that you
like a person, and established a great mood memory, thats precisely
the time you want to stay in touch and sustain the conversation.
There are obvious instances where its clear that we can and
should follow up. Even more critical, though, is to increase our
frequency of reaching out. When we regularly extend ourselves, in
a variety of ways and for a variety of reasons, we allow connections
to continue unfolding, which strengthens familiarity and likability.
Each time you reach out to another person, employ language that
fosters positive mood memory; even stating something as simple as
we in your follow-up reinforces the connection.

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Here is just a short list of some of the things I may learn about
someone during a conversation and that could become part of my
follow-up communication later:
Upcoming work event, client meeting, training, conference,
or workshop
Alma mater or favorite sports teams recent game or
newsworthy event
Upcoming vacation destination or staycation plans
Battling an illness/aiding a sick parent, spouse, friend, or child
New baby arrived or on the way; announcement of whether its
a boy or a girl
The persons own birthday or childs birthday; plans to attend
or throw a birthday party
Dont worry that the topic you settle on might be
unrelated to your common interest, or even if it refers to
a small detail that was part of a much larger conversation.
Following up with a congratulatory message is a simple
way to show other people that you were thinking of them,
and it increases familiarity and the positive mood memory
associated with your shared connection.

Get Out There


Hearing someones name mentioned again and again in positive
contexts can build professional credibility and help establish
comfortable rapport and ease. Creating familiarity doesnt require
scheduled meetings or planned conversations, either. It can be done
without having actual face time or giving the impression that you
are hounding someone. By simply following up on shared details
and harnessing electronic resources, it is possible to steadily create
familiarity and associate your name with appropriate ideas and
events. Remember to pursue these strategies in ways that feel true
and authentic to you, and that arent obtrusive or pushy. Dont get
in someones face, just be in their circle.

CONCLUSION
Likability is more than a nice idea, or a concept of which
you should stay mindfulit is an approach to your life and
the people in it. The point isnt for you to like everyone
and for everyone to like you. Instead, the point is to create
meaningful connections that strengthen your relationships,
your self-awareness, your productivity, and inevitably, your
results. Apply the laws with openness and authenticity in
mind, and you will become more connected.
SUCCESS.com SUCCESS BOOK SUMMARIES

The
Book11Title
Laws of Likability

ACTION STEPS

Get more out of this SUCCESS Book


Summary by applying what youve
learned to your life. Here are a
few thoughts and questions to get
youstarted.
1. Do an authenticity check. Are you speaking and acting
in a way that is authentic, or are you trying to be
someone or something you are not?
2. List five assetspersonal qualities you possess.
3. Begin creating your desired reality by taking one
positive action that requires you to step out of your
comfort zone today.

About the Author

4. Identify a recent situation during which you had a high


level of positive energy. What about that circumstance
influenced your energy?

people how to communicate and connect. She is an

5. Who brings your energy level down? Can you decrease


the amount of time you spend with this person?

and a faculty member of the American Management

6. Make a list of five people you connected with in the


past two weeks.

Executive Essentials, a company that provides

Michelle Tillis Ledermans specialty is teaching


adjunct professor at NYUs Stern School of Business
Association. She is also the founder and CEO of
communication and leadership programs.

7. Send an email or make a call to each of the people on


the list above before the end of the week.

Recommended Reading
If you enjoyed this summary of The 11 Laws of
Likability, you may also want to check out:
Love Is the Killer App by Tim Sanders
People Buy You by Jeb Blount
How to Win Friends and Influence People
by Dale Carnegie

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2012 SUCCESS Media. All rights reserved. Materials may not be reproduced in whole or in part
in any form without prior written permission. Published by SUCCESS Media, 200 Swisher Rd.,
Lake Dallas, TX 75065, USA. SUCCESS.com.
Summarized by permission of the publisher, AMACOM. The 11 Laws of Likability by Michelle
Tillis Lederman 2012 by Michelle Tillis Lederman.

SUCCESS.com SUCCESS BOOK SUMMARIES

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