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Method
learning what gives you pleasure. Exploring your body through masturbation can
help you understand what feels best for you, and can also help you communicate
that to your partner(s).[2][3]
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youre not performing the way you ought to. Remember that there is no "normal"
amount of sex to have, or a "normal" way to experience sexual pleasure. Rejecting
others standards for what you should be feeling can help you focus on your own
pleasure and what you and your partner (if you have/want one) enjoy.[11]
For example, some women may think they dont actually have orgasms
because their orgasms are more mild than what is shown in movies or
pornography.[12] Remember to focus on enjoying what you feel, rather than
comparing yourself to outside ideals or standards.
Avoid thinking about what other people are doing. Some couples may worry
that they arent having a normal amount of sex, which can cause frustration
even if they enjoy what they do have. Some individuals may feel that their
desires or needs arent normal, which can lead them to feeling unfulfilled
because they are afraid to act on them.
While you should not judge yourself or your partner(s) for their desires or
needs, remember that all sexual activities should be between consenting
adults. Activities that harm others or violate another persons rights arent
acceptable. If you are concerned about your desires or needs, speak with a
mental health professional.
Even sexual desires and practices that seem unconventional, such as
BDSM, can be performed in a respectful, healthy way. You may find it
helpful to seek instruction or guidance in how to perform these practices in
an ethical manner.
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with your body. Its hard to accept sexual pleasure if you are unhappy with how you
look.[13] Feeling unworthy or unlovable can also lead you to shy away from
relationships. Learning to love and accept yourself, just as you are, can be a crucial
part of relieving sexual frustration.
According to some surveys, 91% of women in the United States are unhappy
with their bodies.[14] Women in particular are constantly bombarded with
images of what their bodies should look like. Reject these unrealistic
stereotypes and focus on finding things to love about your body, whatever it
looks like.
Surround yourself with positive people who love and care for you. Having
friends and loved ones who show their care for you and accept you on your
own terms can really help you boost your own confidence.
Own your sexuality. Feeling guilty or conflicted over your sexuality, whether
its your sexual desires, orientation, or anything else, can cause immense
frustration. Accept that you enjoy what you enjoy. Youre attracted to
whoever youre attracted to. Dont let anyone judge you or tell you that you
should be different.
Take yourself out on dates. Part of learning to accept yourself is to see
yourself as someone worth spending time with and doing nice things for.
Take yourself out to a romantic dinner for one. Go see a romantic movie by
yourself. Take a long walk on the beach. Bring a good book to the bar and
buy yourself a few drinks. Remind yourself that you are valuable and
desirable.[15]
Take the focus off orgasm. Sometimes, people can become so fixated on
experiencing orgasm that they see sex as a failure if they dont achieve
one.[16] This can happen just as easily solo as with a partner. The exclusive focus on
orgasm can turn sex from an enjoyable experience into a chore with a checklist.
Learning to take the focus off of solely achieving orgasm and embracing the whole
experience can help relieve sexual frustration, especially if you often have difficulty
climaxing.[17]
The inability to achieve orgasm after stimulation is called anorgasmia, and
it affects many people, especially women. [18] Sometimes this condition is
caused by physical conditions, and sometimes its psychological. Consult
your doctor about possible causes, and ask about whether mental health
treatment could be appropriate.[19]
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but you should feel like your therapist listens to you (and your partner, if
both of you go) without judgment. If you feel like your therapist isn't listening
to you or is being judgmental, it's a good idea to seek out another
therapist.[25]
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is another common treatment for sexual
difficulty. It can help you identify and challenge unhelpful ways of thinking
about yourself and sex that could be causing you frustration. [26]
Method
or needs that exactly aligned, which means you and your partner(s) need to have
open, honest conversations about each persons needs.[27][28]
Discussing your needs can seem awkward at first, but it can actually be a
good way to bond with your partner.[29]
Find a time to talk when youre not likely to be distracted or interrupted. Both
of you should feel like youre focused on what your relationship needs, and
thats not likely to happen if your favorite TV program is on or youre
exhausted from work.[30]
Use honest, clear terms. Euphemisms are often a sign that youre
uncomfortable talking about your body and your needs. Unfortunately,
euphemisms can also muddle your meaning, so that your partner doesnt
understand what youre asking for. Dont feel embarrassed to use
appropriate terms when talking about your body and your desires. Vagina,
penis, or oral sex arent dirty words.[31]
Discussing your needs isnt just for people in long-term relationships.
Singles and people in casual sexual relationships can also benefit from
open, honest discussions of needs and desires.[32]
Give feedback during your sexual activities. Dont judge or pressure your
partner. Instead, say things like I like that or That feels good there. Avoid
using words like dont; instead, say things like It feels better when you do
this or I prefer it when you do this. This communication can help your
partner understand and meet your needs.
Avoid blaming or judging. When your relationship has sexual issues, it can be
easy to feel as though its all your partners fault. However, blaming or judging
language -- such as You arent giving me what I need -- puts your partner on the
defensive and shuts down productive communication.[33] Instead, try the following
techniques to have a healthy, productive discussion:
Use I-statements. These help communicate that youre talking about your
own needs, not trying to shame or blame your partner. For example, Lately
Ive been feeling like when we have sex its really predictable and
disconnected. Im not feeling as connected to you as Id like.[34]
Invite your partner to share his/her feelings. Make sure that your discussion
doesnt become one-sided. Sex with a partner is a mutual experience, so ask
open questions about what your partner likes, desires, and experiences. For
example: What do you feel makes our sex life meaningful to you? or "What
ways do I touch you that you enjoy?" Helpful questions dont assign blame
or close off avenues for exploration. [35]
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Never try to manipulate or guilt your partner into sex. You may feel as
though your sexual frustration is a sign your partner doesnt care about your
needs, but the reality is probably not that simple. Using guilting language,
such as If you really loved me you would do ____ does harm to your
relationship. Avoid it. Instead, use those I-statements and keep the focus
on how you feel: When ____ doesnt happen, I dont feel as attractive or
desirable.[36]
Make time for romance. Sex in the movies looks so glamorous. Two sets of
eyes meet and within seconds clothes are being ripped off and thrown on the
floor. In real life, that's not how it works. Preparation has to be made, even for those
who are just dating. Each party arranges a time, phone calls are exchanged,
showers are had, skin is prepped, and then the fun happens. Why should it be any
different in a relationship? It can be easy to allow sex to slide to the back burner,
where it simmers until it explodes in anger or frustration. Being intentional about
making time for sex and romance can help relieve that tension and make sure both
of you get what you need. [37]
Change up your routine. If you usually wait until the end of the day to initiate
sex with your partner, try switching it up one day and having sex in the
morning or even on your lunch hour. This can be particularly helpful if you
get tired in the evenings. Remember: theres no right or wrong time for you
and your partner to enjoy each other. Whatever works for you is what you
should do.[38]
Schedule sex. It may seem like scheduling sex kills the romance, but in fact
80% of married couples schedule time for sexual interactions.[39] Scheduling
can not only ensure that you remember to take time for each other, it can
give you something to look forward to. [40]
Experiment. If youve been in a relationship with one partner for awhile, its
completely natural that your sex life may have become less intense or exciting
than it was when you first met. Comfort and familiarity are the building blocks of
intimacy and commitment, but they can also leave sexual interactions feeling
predictable or even mechanical, and this can cause a lot of frustration.[41] Talk with
your partner about ways to bring eroticism back into your relationship. And
remember: there is so much more to sex than just intercourse. Be creative and
collaborate together to find things that excite and fulfill you.
Doing other types of sexual activity together that you dont commonly do,
such as mutual masturbation, can help reinvigorate your sex life.
You may also wish to incorporate sex toys or implements. These can be
particularly helpful if one partner has difficulty achieving orgasm.
Things like erotic stories and images can be exciting for couples if both
partners enjoy them.[42][43] It can help you discover each other's fantasies
and build a sense of shared experience.[44]However, if one of you feels
uncomfortable with these things or doesn't enjoy them, don't coerce your
partner into doing them.
Think about activities you can do together that are erotic but dont involve
intercourse. This can help break you out of a rut and expand your toolbox
of enjoyable experiences. For example, you could incorporate sensate
focus into your love life. This is a counseling technique in which you focus
exclusively on giving and receiving erotic touch without the goal of achieving
orgasm. Its all about the journey, not the destination.[45]
Women often express feeling satisfied with sex even when it does not result
in orgasm, and they may experience pleasure from sex as a way to express
their emotional connection to a partner.[46][47] Dont allow a focus on orgasm
to keep you from fully participating and enjoying whatever activities you
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decide to do.
wait to have sex until you experience sexual desire, you could be waiting awhile, and
this could cause sexual frustration. Being intentional about becoming aroused and
getting ready for sex can help ease this frustration.[49]
Scheduling sexual encounters, as mentioned earlier, can help you with this
step. If you know Friday night is your date night, youll probably find it
easier to get in the mood and make a conscious decision to get
aroused.[50]
The female sexual response cycle is more complicated (in general) than the
male. While for many men sexual activity is fairly linear (desire, arousal,
orgasm), women may experience sexual response in a more cyclical fashion.
They may experience these phases in a different order, or they may not
experience one or more of these phases at all.[51] Thus, it can be especially
important for women to become physically aroused before their desire kicks
in.[52]
This difference in the sexual response cycle is not a justification for
attempting to get a woman to have sex when she doesnt want it. If someone
says no to sex, s/he means no. Dont press.
Compromise. Sometimes, you and your partner will have divergent desires or
needs. Perhaps one of you has a fantasy or kink that the other isnt interested
in. Perhaps one of you needs more sexual interactions than the other. Part of having
a healthy, happy sexual relationship is learning to compromise so that everyones
needs are met and everyone feels comfortable and respected.[53]
For example, if your partner has an erotic fantasy that you dont share, you
could offer to hold him or her while s/he masturbates, use phrases in the
bedroom that may be reminiscent of that fantasy, or read an erotic story
about that fantasy to your partner. Don't do anything that makes either of
you uncomfortable, though.
Its a common myth that women dont want sex as much as men do, but this
isnt true. In fact, many women want more sex than their male partners
do.[54] Most studies show that adult men and women think about sex about
the same amount.[55] Dont assume that you know what your partner wants
or needs: ask.
Work on intimacy in other areas. Sex can be a primary way for partners to
express their love for each other and build intimacy.[56] If one of you feels like
youre not getting that intimacy you crave through enough sex, the relationship may
suffer. Look for other ways besides sex to build intimacy together. This can help take
the pressure off sex to be your only bonding time.[57]
For example, consider pursuing a hobby or recreation together. Working
together to achieve a goal, even if its just learning to cook a new meal
together, can foster a sense of intimacy and shared purpose.
Focus on taking time to express your appreciation and love for your partner
each day. Be as specific as possible so that your words convey that youre
really focusing on something you love about your partner. For example,
That blue sweater of yours is one of my favorites because it brings out your
beautiful blue eyes or I really appreciated your making dinner for the kids
tonight so I could go to my book club. I love that you understand and work
to meet my needs.
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therapist or a sex therapist can help you learn to communicate better with your
partner and teach you ways to address your frustrations in a healthy, helpful way. [58]
Method
effective. It'll fill your time, take your mind to another place, and get your adrenaline
pumping which is a healthy alternative.
Any exercise is good, even yoga, weight training, and standard cardio. Not
only is it good for you mentally, but physically to boot.
Use art or other calming hobbies as an outlet. If you're not much of a sports
or fitness freak, find more artistic hobbies for an outlet. These activities can be
incredibly cathartic and calming; what's more, a reduction in anxiety may reduce your
frustration. The less stressed you are about the rest of your life, the calmer you'll be
about this.
Consider painting, cooking, at-home DIY projects, candle or pottery making,
taking up an instrument, carpentry, woodworking, or any hobby at all that
appeals to and gets you in the zone. You'll be cultivating a talent, too!
use Skype, Facetime, or just sext. It's not the same, but it can certainly help!
Some people are a little wary of the idea of phone sex or something similar.
This may be something you have to ease in slowly with your partner. Start
with small steps telling you how much you miss them and how you want to
touch them and watch it flower from there.
Method
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Get more rest. Fatigue can be a culprit behind sex troubles such as erectile
dysfunction and difficulty achieving orgasm.[62] Feeling tired can affect arousal
as well as performance. You may feel frustrated because you want to have sex but
dont have the energy to, or because you try to have sex and cant maintain interest
because of fatigue.[63] Getting enough rest can help you feel rejuvenated and ready
for sex.
Sleep apnea may be a disruptor, especially for men and people who are
overweight.[64] If you frequently wake up tired and dont feel rested even
after getting enough sleep, consult with your doctor about possible
treatment options.
Address your stress. Stress can impact your ability to enjoy sexual relations. If
you cannot manage stress well, speak with a psychologist or your doctor about
possible solutions. Your sexual symptoms (or your partner's) may be the side effect
of larger stresses.
Try yoga, meditation, and deep breathing exercises to help relieve daily
stresses.
lower-than-normal sex drive that could frustrate you and/or your partner. Seeking
treatment from a mental health professional can help you deal with your depression
and can also revive your sex drive.
The brain is the biggest sexual organ in humans, and it has to function
properly for your sex life to be happy and healthy. Clinical depression is
often caused by chemical imbalances that can affect your libido and ability
to perform sexually.[66]
Depression can also often cause feelings of personal worthlessness or
sadness that can interfere with your ability to feel sexually desirable. Getting
help for your depression can also help you overcome these feelings,
allowing you to feel more desirable and experience more desire yourself.
Some antidepressant medications may also interfere with sexual desire. If
youre taking antidepressants and experiencing unwanted sexual side
effects, speak with your doctor. Never stop taking or alter your dosage on
your own.[67]
Look for alternative sources of pleasure. If your sexual frustration is the result
of a physical disability, dont despair. Many individuals with disabilities have
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Answered Questions
Don't see your question? Ask it here:
Submit
Tips
Always practice safer sex. Use condoms, birth control, and ask about your
partners sexual history and STI status.
Warnings
Never pressure or guilt someone into having sex. Respect the other persons
right to say no.
Sex should only be between consenting adults.
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Article Info
Categories: Emotional Health
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Espaol: lidiar con la frustracin sexual, :
, Portugus: Lidar com a Frustrao Sexual, Deutsch: Mit sexueller
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