Ahed, youve done an excellent job of drawing on what you know and love

well for your topic. This brings power to your essay as youre able to provide
numerous examples based on what you know. Your biggest weakness in your
essay is that youve chosen a very abstract and ambiguous term as your
controlling idea and never defined it what do you mean by special?
Sometimes special is used to mean unique, for instance, but most of your
examples show that your village is pretty typical of many if not most
Palestinian villages rather than different. Without a clear understanding of
what you mean by special, your examples cant really support this idea and
your essay feels more like a general description of your village. How could
you reframe your controlling idea to provide a clearer focus for your essay
and allow you to use your examples more effectively? In your conclusion,
you focus on the people of your village as its biggest asset. How might you
have used this to more effectively shape your essay? While youve made
some clear progress on the global concerns, basic grammar remains a
serious concern and weakens your essay. You will need to make significant
improvements on these issues in order to successfully complete the course.
Global concerns
Points
1. Substance and spirit subject is appropriate for extended definition or
8
exemplification; essay contains clear, original thinking; writer writes with
power, and her inner voice shines through; writer engages the reader (10
points)
Youve selected a topic you know and love well. Now work on developing a
clearer focus that will allow you to use your many examples more powerfully.
2. Essay and paragraphs have clear direction, support, unity, coherence (10 7
points)
a. Contains clear, precise and relevant thesis
Work on clearer focus through a more precise articulation of your controlling
idea.
b. Sustains argument/thesis throughout
NQTY as your thesis is not yet clear.
At paragraph level, you have a similar issue in that your controlling ideas are
very general and a bit ambiguous.
Watch going off-topic in your third body paragraph in particular.
c. Provides sufficient, appropriate and convincing supporting ideas
Youve got a rich set of examples in your essay. However, they are not always
relevant to your claim of special or distinguishing. Often they seem more
typical of Palestinian villages than atypical. Make sure that you give examples of
more general claims or facts that need proof like the villages social
cohesion.
d. Begins with clear and engaging introduction a bridge in
You have a nice idea for an introduction here; I like how youve experimented
with figurative language. However, awkward use of language weakens your idea.
Also, be careful of hyperbole (exaggeration or over language) as your reader

might stop believing you.

e. Contains a logical and thoughtfully staged organization of ideas,
using appropriate structure
You have organized your body paragraphs clearly and the order used makes
sense both in terms of how one main supporting idea leads to the next but also
moving toward the strongest, most important aspect of your village in the third
body paragraph. However, you lose power when you go off topic in the second
half of this paragraph.
Think about how to logically order your ideas within each paragraph to build
stronger coherence.
f. Contains smooth transitions between paragraphs providing local
development while exploring global thesis
You make good use of transition signals between paragraphs and within
paragraphs. Watch occasional incorrect or confusing use of transitions.
g. Concludes with a strong and convincing final word a bridge out
Youve got a great idea here but it hasnt been developed in your essay and so the
link is not clear. See comments above and in text.
h. Provides appropriate acknowledgement to all sources used
You have confirmed in writing that your essay was done without reference to
outside sources or assistance.
Local concerns
3. Contains careful, concise language (5 points)
3.5
Your language is generally simple and clear. Your choice of word forms and word
order is often incorrect or awkward.
In addition, your use of ambiguous, abstract terms that are subjective in nature
mean that its not always clear what you mean. See comments in text and above.
Your style is generally concise. Watch occasional redundancy.
4. Shows a clear grasp of English grammar, spelling, and punctuation (5
2.5
points)
You still have major issues with basic sentence structure and correct use of verbs.
Incorrect verb forms and/or the absence of verbs altogether results in numerous
sentence fragments.
Numerous spelling errors.
Please double space and type your essay using proper format!
Total =
21/30
Demonstration of writing process 3.5/5
Generation and selection of ideas Your notes show some brainstorming. Id
like to see you take this further. Try using free association or mind mapping
to generate more ideas. Then look at your ideas to see whats strongest and
where you find powerful clusters to define your direction more effectively.

Organizing your ideas You have a basic outline but you have not done a full
draft essay to allow full exploration and discovery through the writing
process.
Revision You completed the self-review but your responses do not always
accurately reflect your final text. Without a full draft, youve not been able to
demonstrate significant progress from draft to essay.