OUTLINE OF SUBMISSION PACKET

I. Monologue Jokes

II. Desk Bits

III. Field Pieces

IV. Sketches
 Monologue Jokes
By Los Silva
!
!
1."Texas"police"arrested"a"widow"after"stealing"her"husbands"wedding"ring"from"his"
buried"corpse."When"asked"why"she"did"it,"the"wife"responded:!!
!
Til%death%do%us%part%aint%got%nothin%to%do%with%Bling%Bling!
PresciousPrecious!

2.!A"wild"Goat"broke"free"and"went"on"Starbucks"run"in"Northern"California"today.
Apparently"the"goat"needed"a"caffeine"fix"after"working"all"night"at"the"local"strip"club"
The"Horny"Goat.""
!
The%Goats%order;%a%Venti%Maa%Espresso%with%Maa%milk,%hold%the%Maa%
Foam.

3.!A"large"rabbit"reappeared"after"being"bunnyEnapped"from"a"Utah"Farm. Authorities"
suspect"that"bunnyEnappers"returned"the"rabbit"after"the"owners"made"a"stink"in"their"
local"town.""
!
However,%the%farm%is%actually%a%Mormon%gayHconversion%camp,%and%thumper%
just%couldnt%take%it%anymore!

4.!Aaron's"Inc.,"an"appliance"and"electronicsEleasing"company,"has"broken"the"Guinness"
World"Record"for"the"longest"humanEmattress"domino"chain.

I%dont%see%what%the%big%deal%is,%where%Im%from%humanHmattresses%go%down%on%
Dominos%guys%all%the%time.%%
%
Photo:%A%Dominos%Driver%delivers%a%pizza%to%a%Pornstars%home%in%The%Valley%

5.!President!Trump"called"the"recent"healthcare"debacle"a"product"of"a""rigged"and"
dirty"system".""
"
Trump%of%course%was%referring%to%his%Colon%when%he%made%a%speech%at%the%
annual%American%Gastroenterologist%Convention.%

6.!Female"customers"at"a"New"Hampshire"bakery"got"a"21"percent"discount"on"their"
coffee"and"doughnuts"as"part"of"an"effort"to"call"attention"to"the"wage"gap"between"
men"and"women"in"the"United"States."
%
Proving%once%again%that%to%shut%women%up%all%you%have%to%do%is%unplug%their%
holes%and%give%them%some%money%back.%
%
Graphic:%A%Mans%Finger%pushes%through%a%Doughnut%whole%a%US%dollar%
7.!Mila"Kunis"joked"about"her"daughter"Wyatt"stating:"Shes"crazy."Kids"are"crazy."I"
dont"really"understand"how"theyre"all"alive.""She"would"just"walk"off"the"ledge. %

Thats%because%you%sat%her%down%and%forced%her%to%watch%Jupiter%Ascending!%
%
8.!Mars"matters,"was"the"central"theme"of"a"speech"by"former"Nasa"astronaut"Charles"
Bolden,"stating:"Were"closer"to"sending"human"beings"to"Mars"today,"than"anyone,"
anywhere,"at"anytime,"has"ever"been.""
"
To%which%Trump%responded:%Were%gonna%build%a%wall,%a%giant%wall,%to%keep%
the%Martians%from%climbing%over%it,%and%make%Mars%great%again!
!
9.!Disney"officials"announced"a"new"Mickey"MouseEshaped"solar"farm"outside"Epcot"
Center"in"Orlando,"Florida.""
"
The%solar%mouse%is%already%generating%electricity%and%can%also%project%penises%
against%the%clouds.

10.!A"standalone"Batman"movie"starring"and"directed"by"Ben"Affleck"is"officially"in"the"
works,"Warner"Bros."confirmed"Tuesday"at"CinemaCon."Some"possible"titles"of"the"new"
film"include:"
"
Batman"VS."Batman
Image:%Conflicted%Gay/Trans%Batman%staring%at%himself%in%mirror%wearing%
bright%red%lipstick%

Batman"VS"Boston
Image:%Batman%in%an%Irish%Pub%surrounded%by%Goons%wearing%shamrocks%and%
Red%Sox%caps,%ala%The%Town%or%The%Departed%

Batman"VS"Uber
Image:%Batman%drives%his%Bat%Mobile%with%an%Uber%logo%on%the%glass%and%a%
frightened%passenger%in%the%front%seat%

AndBatman"VS"Ben"Affleck"from"Dazed"&"Confused"
Image:%Ben%Affleck%as%Obannion%with%his%Wooden%Paddle%spanking%Batman%
 Desk Bits
By Los Silva

Alcoholics Anonymous

A drunken member of the hacker group Anonymous, hijacks the

shows signal and rants while under the influence, often burping
and going on long-winded tangents.

HOST TV SCREEN begins to scramble and STATIC. The Anonymous LOGO

appears and the hooded character with Guy Fox Mask comes into
view. His robotic voice begins

(A) Hello again.

(H) Hi Anonymous, how are you?

(A) Im more shit-faced than Hasselhoff was that one time when he
ate that burger. Do you remember that?
(H) Yes I remember, Anonymous .

(A) David Hasselhoff, your crimes to the American public are

many, including Baywatch and Knight Rider.
(A) Oh come on, those are good shows!

(A) Are they? Or have you been brainwashed into thinking that TV
shows about lifeguards and talking cars are quality
entertainment?

If Dinosaurs Were Still Alive

Host delivers clever punch lines beginning with If dinosaurs

were still alive

If dinosaurs were still alive...vegans would have a whole new

list of animals to tell you they dont eat...again.

If dinosaurs were still aliveJurassic Park would be titled

Dino-Babys Day Out.

If dinosaurs were still alive...creationists wouldnt have to

come up with more ridiculous reasons why dinosaurs are not
mentioned in the bible.
Grammar Nazi

A German DOMINATRIX rants about the latest headlines, tweets, and

other grammatically incorrect postings. She makes a big deal over
misspellings and other errors, often suggesting severe Nazi-like
punishments for the wrongdoers.

GRAMMAR NAZI dressed like a Commandant Dominatrix. She cracks a

whip.

(GN) Im surprised Kim Kardashian can remember how to spell her

last name. The way she writes her tweets its like she barely
passed the first grade.

(H) Thats a little harsh German Nazi.

(GN) No, whats harsh is reading Anthony Weiners latest Facebook
Post where he said Themselves when he should have said Them.
He can send dick pics but he cant spell. Proving that hes all
Weiner and no brain.

(H) I think youre being a tad bit unfair.

(GN)Im going to put his Weiner in a vice and teach that bad boy
how to properly conjugate verbs.

Celebrity Wines

Many celebrities have their own brands of wine. We take a look at

a few bottles from the vineyards of topical celebrities with
funny names/labels, along with an accompanying description of the
wine that also describes the celebrity.

PHOTO OF SHIRTLES JUSTIN BIEBER ON BOTTLE OF WINE

Justin Biebers Smooth Body is a red wine with a high acidity

flavor, with a tart and zesty taste as it goes down the back
pallet of your mouth.

PHOTO OF RAPPER WACKA FLAKA WITH A GUN SHOOTING GRAPES

Waka Flokas Blood Bordeaux is a rustic dark fruit Cassis wine

with Charcoal flavors. This bold wine goes great with steak,
weed, bitches, or whenever you need to go hard in the
motherfucking paint.
 Field Pieces
By Los Silva

Elderly Edibles

Host serves as a tour guide for a group of elderly people

visiting Marijuana Dispensaries for the first time. Riding on a
tour-bus, the host takes the group to various pot shops where
they purchase marijuana and edibles. Host eats the edibles along
with the old people, some becoming so high they can barely
function.

Desk Shopping

Producers of the show decide that the set needs a new makeover
including the Hosts desk. Host goes to the local IKEA and shops
for a new desk, trying them out in numerous methods for quality
control, such as sitting on them, standing, hiding underneath,
shaking with coffee cup on it, etc. Host ultimately concludes
that he/she is not ready to abandon the original desk.

Netflix and Chill

Host swipes for dates on Tinder (or other dating app) and sets up
a Netflix-and-chill date with someone significantly younger
(18+). Host goes to the dates house where they awkwardly watch
Netflix movies on the couch and the Host tries to cop a feel, or
vice-versa, the date is the aggressor and Host just wants to
watch a movie.

Breastfeeding Tarps

Host goes around a child-park and other public areas offering

breastfeeding mothers tarps to cover themselves and babies from
offended eyes. Host carries a bullhorn and tells moms to cover
up and show some decency. Host even tries to convince moms
that the tarp is like a fort that mom and the baby can pretend is
a cave, thus helping the child begin to use their imagination.
 MRS. GOMEZ SKETCH

Written by

Los Silva

04/15/2016

Property of Ipilus Films, LLC

11501 Hatteras St. Unit 6
N. Hollywood, CA 91601
917-519-7902
Silvaeyez@gmail.com
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
INT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - LIVING ROOM - DAY

A Beverly Hills HOUSEWIFE and her two kids, SON 13, DAUGHTER
15, sit in the living room. All on their iPhones and tablets.

DOOR BELL RINGS and the Housewife opens the door to reveal
MRS. GOMEZ, a short old lady from El Salvador. She sports
thick glasses and walks with a cane. Sweet yet street tough.

HOUSEWIFE
You must be Mrs. Gomez.

MRS. GOMEZ
Last time I checked.

HOUSEWIFE
Great. Well thank you for coming in
on such short notice. Our usual
nanny cancelled and Im meeting my
husband in Malibou in about an
hour.

She turns to her spoiled kids on the couch lost in their

phones.

HOUSEWIFE
Children say hello to your
substitute nanny, Mrs. Gomez.

The kids dont bat an eye.

SON DAUGHTER
Hi. Hi.

HOUSEWIFE
Heres their schedules. Homework
starts when I leave, and my number
is on the refrigerator incase you
need me. Any questions?

MRS. GOMEZ
No senora, I gaaat it.

HOUSEWIFE
Alright well, children please
behave. Your father and I will see
you when we get home.

SON DAUGHTER
Bye. Bye.

Housewife exits and Mrs. Gomez hobbles over to the children.

 2.

MRS. GOMEZ
OK childrens. Its homework time.
Go to your rooms while I clean
here.

SON
We dont have to listen to you.
Youre not even our real nanny.

DAUGHTER
Yeah, youre just a substitute.

SON
More like a substi-poop.

They laugh and high-five each other like a pair of idiots,

burying their faces back in their phones.

MRS. GOMEZ
I no substi-poop.

SON
Yeah you are.

MRS. GOMEZ
No, I dont poop at all. Matter of
fact, its time for me to change my
colostomy bag.

She hikes up her shirt to reveal a COLOSTOMY BAG

DAUGHTER
Gross!

The kids scatter off the couch and into the dining room.

MRS. GOMEZ
Just keeeding. Its not full yet.

She lowers her shirt. The horrified kids stand on guard.

MRS. GOMEZ
(sits)
Let me tell you whats gonna happen
if you dont do your homework. If
you dont do your homework, you
wont graduate. The you wont go to
college, then you wont get a good
job. So, you going to have to live
off your trust fund. Which is OK
for a little while, until you run
out of money.
 3.

DAUGHTER
Why would we run out of money? Our
trusts are worth millions.

MRS. GOMEZ
You see mija, that's because you
and your brother are going to
become drug addicts.

SON
We dont even smoke pot.

MRS. GOMEZ
Oh you will. See, since you no do
your homework, you no graduate, so
you have low self-esteem. Thats
when you both start smoking crack.
And I mean a lot of crack.

SON
This is bogus!

MRS. GOMEZ
And since you have no money to pay
for your drugs, you going to have
to resort to prostitution. Thats
when a Craigslist pimp named Pablo
is going to make you his beech, and
keep all the profits, while you
live trapped in his basement in
East LA. Eventually all you trust
money gonna go down the toilet, or
as I say...the colostomy bag.

DAUGHTER
Thats so gross!

SON
Im telling my mom you said that!

He goes for his phone

MRS. GOMEZ
You gonna snitch on me, ese?

She glares at him with crazy eyes.

DAUGHTER
Come on Geoffrey, lets go do our
homework.

The kids exit.

 4.

MRS. GOMEZ
OK. Time to clean.

Mrs. Gomez hums Tequila a she spruces up the living room

with a duster. The kids re-enter.

SON
Mrs. Gomez were hungry.

DAUGHTER
Yeah, we need to eat before we can
do our homework.

MRS. GOMEZ
OK. So cook something.

SON
But its your job to cook for us.

DAUGHTER
Yeah Besides, we dont know how to
cook.

MRS. GOMEZ
What you mean you dont know how to
cook? In my country, if you dont
cook, you dont eat.

SON
Yeah well this is America, and we
hire people to cook for us.

MRS. GOMEZ
OK. I cook for you. But first, I
going to tell you a story.

She waves them over to sit on the couch.

MRS. GOMEZ
When I was little girl, my father
was a very important man.

Mrs. Gomez does air-quotes over very important man.

MRS. GOMEZ
My father would pay taxi drivers to
transport bananas across the
border to a market.

The kids just stare.

 5.

MRS. GOMEZ
Anyway, one day my father says,
Yolandita, take this meat and cook
it, but dont eat it, dont even
taste it, he says. I say, OK
papa, no problema. So I cook the
meat, I no taste it, but I save a
little piece. Later papa returns
and he asks me to bring him the
meat. So I bring the meat, and he
say good girl, for you have just
cooked the human flesh our enemies.
Now I will feed this meat to the
captured hostages of the rival
cartel.

DAUGHTER
Oh my God!

SON
Youre sick!

MRS. GOMEZ
Maybe, maybe not.

DAUGHTER
What did you do with the piece of
meat you saved?

MRS. GOMEZ
What you think I did? I ate it.

DAUGHTER
I think Im gonna puke!

SON
Me too!

MRS. GOMEZ
OK. I cook now.

SON
Never mind were not hungry anymore!

The kids run off back to their rooms. Mrs. Gomez lounges on
the couch.

END SCENE
!
 O'PPRESSED SANDWICH SHOP SKETCH

Written by

Los Silva

04/15/2016

Property of Ipilus Films, LLC

11501 Hatteras St. Unit 6
N. Hollywood, CA 91601
917-519-7902
Silvaeyez@gmail.com
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
INT. OPPRESSED SANDWICH SHOP - SAME

A large sign displays the eaterys name. A Cast-Iron PANINI

PRESS serves as the restaurants emblem. The decor is a 12
Years A Slave meets Quiznos. 19th Century dim lighting, lots
of wood, IRON CHAINS hang from the walls.

BLACK SLAVES work the restaurant in clothes from the era.

BLACK FRIEND
Ive heard great things about this
new place.

The manager, a white slave-owner called MASSA, stands at the

front counter.

MASSA
(Southern accent)
Welcome to Oppressed Sandwich
shop. Where everything is
plantation-to-table. What can I get
for you boys?

BLACK MALE
Ill have the Confederate Pot Pie
Sandwich with hot sauce on the
side.

MASSA
You want the Boiling Blister sauce
or the Sweat-Box Sweet and Sour?

BLACK MALE
Boiling Blister.

MASSA
Alright. Any Mammy Fries for you?

BLACK MALE
Please.

MASSA
Alright.
(to kitchen)
Mammy! Order of your finest fries
and a Pot Pie, blisters on the
side!

The White Man looks around horrified.

WHITE MAN
(to Friend)
Maybe we shouldnt eat here.
 2.

BLACK MALE
You said you wanted soul food.
Besides this place is cheap as
hell.

Host spots a sign that reads: SLAVE AUCTION BID 1 DOLLAR

White Man steps up to the counter and studies the MENU

written on old paper, held together with twine.

MASSA
What can I get for your fine sir?

WHITE MAN
(straining to read)
Ill have the Philly Shaved Steak
Sub.

MASSA
Slave.

WHITE MAN
Excuse me?

MASSA
Its Philly Slave Steak.

WHITE MAN
Right...Ill have one of those.

MASSA
Alright, you want that Oppressed?

WHITE MAN
Sure.

MASSA
Mammy! One Philly Slave Steak Sub,
Oppressed!

WHITE MAN
Oh, with Mayo please.

MASSA
Aint got no Mayo. We got Miracle
Whip.

A WHIP CRACKS o.s.

WHITE MAN
Really?

MASSA
Really.
 3.

WHITE MAN
Fine.

MASSA
Mammy! Miracle Whip on the Philly
Slave Steak!
(to Host)
Any sides? Weve got Fried Cotton
Pickin Pickles. Mammy Fries.
Biscuits and Slavery Gravy, and
Whoopin Pies.

WHITE MAN
You mean Whoopee Pies?

MASSA
No, I means whoopin pies. We make
em in house.

WHIP CRACKS again.

WHITE MAN
Ill have the pickles. Thank you.

MASSA
Alright now, have a seat and well
bring it right out to ya.

White Man and Black Friend move to a table.

BLACK FRIEND
Im gonna use the bathroom.

White Man sits. In the background a BLACK FEMALE SLAVE scrubs

the floor clean with a rag and wooden bucket.

BLACK FEMALE SLAVE

(singing )
Wade in the water. Wade in the
water.

White Man cant believe what hes seeing. He cant take it

anymore and interrupts her.

WHITE MAN
Excuse me. Dont you have a mop for
that?

BLACK FEMALE SLAVE

(fearful)
Massa dont allow us to use mops.
Says we might break the stick in
half and try and kill em in his
sleep.
 4.

WHITE MAN
Thats ridiculous. Please, stand
up.

Massa approaches.

MASSA
Now whats goin on here? Lupita,
you causing trouble again?

LUPITA
No sir, no troubles at all. Isa
promise.

WHITE MAN
Shes not causing any trouble. I
just think she deserves a mop.

MASSA
Well sir, Ill bring it up to the
Big Boss and see what he says.

He walks off. Man sits. A BLACK SLAVE wearing chains and an

IRON COLLAR around his neck approaches with a water pitcher.

BLACK SLAVE
Water sir?

WHITE MAN
Oh come on!

Black Slave starts to turn away.

WHITE MAN (CONTD)

No, its fine. Ill have some
please.

Black Slave pours.

WHITE MAN (CONTD)

Do you have any lemons?

BLACK SLAVE
Wes out of lemons sir. Please
dont whip me!

WHITE MAN
Relax Im not going to whip you.

BLACK SLAVE
Ah thank ya sir. Yous a good white
man, thank you.
 5.

WHITE MAN
Im not a good white man.

BLACK SLAVE
Oh, please dont whip me sir!

WHITE MAN
Stop! Stop!
(beat)
I just mean I dont have to be a
good person, to not want to whip
you.

He reaches into his wallet and hands the Slave some cash.

WHITE MAN (CONTD)

As a matter-of-fact here, Im
tipping you in advance.

SLAVE
Isa sorry sir, but Massa dont
allow us to accept tips. All the
moneys gots to go to him.

He looks over to Massa who wears a shit-eating grin.

WHITE MAN
Look I respect you not breaking
character. But can you tell Massa
wed like our food to go? Please.

SLAVE
Yesum, sir. Whatever you say.

Slave backs away bowing his head. Black friend returns.

BLACK FRIEND
Man, I cannot wait to dig into this
food.

WHITE MAN
Were taking the food to go.

BLACK FRIEND
Why?

HOST
Why? Arent you the least bit
offended. I mean its like 12
Years A Slave in here.
 6.

BLACK FRIEND
What, cause of the lighting? Its
Williamsburg, man, land of the dive
bars.

WHITE MAN
The lighting? Really? Of all the
things here, you think its the
lighting that bothers me?

BLACK FRIEND
Oh so we have to always eat where
you want?

WHITE MAN
No, I just dont feel comfortable
here, so Im asking you nicely, can
we please just eat at my place?

BLACK FRIEND
Fine. Ill grab us some forks and
napkins.

WHITE MAN
Thank you.

A BELL RINGS

MASSA
Orders up sir!

He hands Host a bag of food.

MASSA (CONTD)
Guess you dont wanna eat with us
low class folk, sir.

WHITE MAN
Look, historical authenticity is
one thing, but this too much.

MASSA
Well if you cant stand the heat,
then get the hell out the kitchen!

WHITE MAN
Fine, I will!

MASSA
Go on then!

WHITE MAN
I will never come back here no
matter how good this food smells!
 7.

MASSA
Good riddens, we dont need any of
your kind in here!

RECORD SCRATCH

Everyone breaks character and reacts. Slaves with disgusted

faces, Black Friend grills Massa, all eyes on this man.

WHITE MAN
What do you mean my kind?

Massa speaks in his normal voice.

MASSA
Nothing man. I was just going with
the flow, you know? Improvising.

Employees shake their heads, they drop their chains and walk
out. Host and Black Friend walk out.

WHITE MAN
This isnt over.

BLACK FRIEND
Watch your back, motherfucker!

They exit leaving the shop empty except for Massa at the
counter. A look of fear and confusion across his face.

MASSA
(normal voice)
What I say?