Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Author(s)
Citation
Issued Date
URL
Rights
2004
http://hdl.handle.net/10722/65133
BY
WONG HOI WOON, AMY
JUNE 2004
ii
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
iii
Table of Contents
CONTENTS
PAGE
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
iii
INTRODUCTION
1.2
Typologies of Infidelity
1.3
The Prevalence
1.4
12
1.5
17
2.2
22
24
29
34
36
Counter Transference
41
3.2
44
3.3
Commitment
47
3.4
Conclusion
50
TABLE
SUPPLEMENTARY NOTES
53
REFRENCE
54
INTRODUCTION
Perhaps the greatest trauma one may experience in the marital life,
with the exception of death, is the discovery of a partner's infidelity.
We search for true love in our lives, expect to find the Mr or Mrs. Right,
and settle in forever. But married couple often lives in routine and soon loses their
passion to each other after honeymoon. For whatever reasons, some of us are fallen
in extramarital affairs, which serve as an alternative outlet of some dysfunctional
marriages. Throughout the deceptive process and ultimate disclosure of the secret,
most of us cannot endure the painfullness and exhibited it into various marriage
distresses including spousal violence and termination of marriages.
experience to others. Instead, I want to show the readers what I have learnt from
this topic through a discovery process and personal reflection at my work.
Hopefully, if the readers also agree, this kind of sharing can bring some insights to
those who have similar struggles, and supplement their therapeutic work with this
specialized clientele.
multidimensional
vii
a systemic picture of the issue and helped me develop a conceptual framework for
treatment.
viii
Several
CHAPTER I
CONCEPTUAL UNDERSTANDING
1.1
An empirical
literature review of some of the descriptions may help us understand more about it:
An affair is a sexual involvement with someone other than the spouse, which is hidden
from the spouse (Brown, E.M., 2001).
Denial of the detrimental impact of the boundary violation and deception on the
relationship (McCarthy,B., 2002).
A powerful urge to spend time with the affair partner, sharing of thoughts and feelings
that are not revealed to one' s committed partner; a betrayal of partner' s trust (Glass,
S. & Wright, T. 1997).
In this paper, I will adopt the definitions shared by Weeks, G.R. et.al
(2003) in using the term infidelity to depict a violation of the couple's assumed or
stated contract regarding emotional and/ or sexual exclusivity.
-2-
When a partner
systematically needs to conceal thoughts, emotions and behaviors from the other, a
breach of the couple's intimacy contract has taken place. It indicates a wider range
of betrayals of committed relationships than adultery. The term affair (or EMA) is
specific to infidelity within a heterosexual marriage only. Besides, the unfaithful
partner, the committed partner and the third party are represented by the terms of
betrayer, victim and affair partner respectively.
1.2
Typologies of Infidelity
the discovery and resultant emotional turmoil subsequent to the violation of trust.
Pittman presented a typology in relation to marriage arrangement:
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-5-
-6-
-7-
1.3
The Prevalence
experimental variables, an estimated 26% - 50% of men and 21% - 38% of women
were often reported to have engaged in affairs or other forms of infidelity at some
points in their lifetimes (Christopher, F.S. & Sprecher, S., 2000; Drigotas, S. &
Barta, W., 2001; Choi, K.H. & et al., 1994).
-9-
counterparts were more distressing about sexual infidelity while the Chinese were
more distressing about emotional infidelity, suggesting that there was a general
sexual permissiveness in the culture of Chinese.
interesting analyses on the content of scripts of marital infidelity from a wide range
of media sources in Taiwan, and derived from them the cultural values of general
male supremacy and condemning on the part of the women, although in a majority
of situations that they were actually direct victims of the infidelity.
It was
How about the local context? There were many economic, cultural and
societal changes in the past decade with a growing trend of cross-broader affairs
between Mainland and Hong Kong, as well as an increase in divorce rate since 1992
that added threats to marital life. According to the reports by Hong Kong Council of
Social Services Clientele Information Service (1988-1990), Hong Kong Catholic
Marriage Advisory Council Annual Reports (1991-1994), the Caritas Family Service
(1994) and the Hong Kong Marriage Mediation Service (1994), there were 26.1%,
32%-39.8%, 40% and 29.7% out of the total marital problem caseloads had been
involved into extramarital affairs. I tried to understand it more through several
small-scale local studies on extra-marital affairs, including the Study on marriages
affected by extramarital
satisfaction was very strong, with more than 52% of couples having no sex.
Near to half (48%) had EMA for more than six months and the
Workplace
appeared to be a breeding ground for EMA that about 33% of EMA happened in
work-related situations. Among the marital problem cases, the most vulnerable age
group for EMA and married years bed in their 35 - 44 years old and 6-10 years of
marriages. The other two recent local studies
2002 &
, 2002) also showed consistent findings that about 38% of EMA happened within
the 7 th year to 10th year of marriages, and also estimated more than 10% of the
- 11 -
general population had EMA, although the actual figures might be higher. I believe
these figures showing just the tip of the iceberg only and there are still many untold
stories affecting numerous families in Hong Kong.
1.4
Not surprisingly, most articles and books about infidelity have either
blended the experiences of men and women together or have a stronger focus on the
male perspectives.
work-related status as well as the alternative attractiveness and mate value one
can seek outside existing partnership were important determinants for men
engaging in EMA. Buss, D.M. (1997) viewed marital infidelity as the issue of male
retention and human sexual strategies for consolidation of acquisition of resources psychological, emotional or materials. Similarly, many local articles described more
male infidelity for its obvious prevalence in the society than female infidelity. The
truth is, it is necessary to unravel the puzzle about the gender differences and
understand more about its characteristics from multi-dimensions.
Marital
commonly used justifications for having an affair but many women remained in
unhappy marriages for reasons of financial security and social status while
satisfying their emotional needs through affairs. They noted the high percentage of
male affairs beginning within the first five years of marriage and speculated that
this might be related to the pressures of work, parenthood and the attention that
the wife gives to the children. The incidence of affairs among wives in their late 30s
and early 40s might be associated with loneliness in marriage, continuing entering
the workforce and narrowing of gender gap.
In their later study in 1985, Glass and Wright found that, in general,
women who had affairs were more dissatisfied with their marriages than men who
had affairs were. Marital dissatisfaction was significantly related to the degree of
emotional attachment to their affair partners.
dissatisfaction motivated the men who had affairs. Male infidelity was likely to be
characterized as more sexual and less emotional. Their findings indicated that
marital and sexual dissatisfaction were most strongly related to EMA and a group
of characteristics called "personal readiness
incidence of it. Some of these factors included the need for emotional independence,
a sense of alienation, perceived opportunity for involvement, knowing someone who
has engaged in EMA and perceiving sexual activity as separate from love.
-13-
unfulfilling marriages, the thrill of personal growth that resulted from an affair, a
need for greater intimacy and self-fulfillment or the desire for sex.
Knowing
another woman (sometimes their mothers) who had affair seemed to have a
permission-giving effect on the women under this study.
women by Hurlbert, D. in 1992 indicated that the best predictors of the duration of
women's affair were their sexual attitudes and the length of time the affair partner
was known before the woman crossed the emotional boundary. He commented that
women who continued their affairs possibly became emotionally attached to their
affair partners after the initial period of sexual enjoyment, making it more difficulty
to end the affair than men's.
-14-
Their self-
Spring, J.A. (1996) noted that women tend to experience more guilt
over infidelity than men do. Because they could not compartmentalize their feelings
as well as men can, they became unhappy with their marriages. Men were better
deny the impact of infidelity and able to keep an affair separate from the marriage
because it was not considered as a core component of their self-esteem and its effect
on the self as well as the marital relationship was undervalued.
- 15-
-16-
learning from others or within the family of origins (Weeks, G.R., et al., 2003), for
examples. Nevertheless, I would not discuss them into further details here.
1.5
example, some open marriages have permitted short-term sexual relationships with
outsiders but not emotional attachment; some would accept homosexual but not
heterosexual behaviours outside the marriage; and some have allowed replacement
sex when partners are separated by time or distance. In fact, the sex act itself
seems to be less damaging than the deliberate effort to disorient one's partner to
avoid the inevitable conflict over some breach of the marital agreement. And more
others have chosen to remain in unhappy marriages for practical considerations.
Therefore, the outcomes of infideUty could be varied in different marriages and
simply classified into four possible forms:
-17-
address the specific emotional problems generated from it. The victim may suffer
from the pre-discovery stage (shock, anger, denial, depression, jealousy, grief) and
post-discovery stage (loss of trust, confidence, loyalty and belonging to the marriage,
feeling of rejection, self-doubt, rage and uncertainty), whereas the betrayer also
- 18-
Some modern
to restore trust; in the second, to examine the underlying marital conflicts that
contributed to the affair. These two phases of therapy typically took between five
and ten sessions.
communication skills, increasing partner empathy and support, and resolving any
issues that remained. The outcome of the process was for the couple to have a
healthier marriage or a more constructive divorce (For more details, please see Supplementary
Notes).
the
-21-
CHAPTER II
CASE REFLECTION
2.1
eight years, I am expecting that EMA, as one of the core components of serious
marital conflicts, has led to dissolution of marriages in a large number of these
divorced cases.
According to the 2001 Crime Statistics of the Hong Kong Police, the
number of family disputes cases as reported is around 500 cases per year from 1995
to 2000. The number of homicides committed in relation to the various types of
domestic disputes has doubled from 7 in 1995 to 14 in 1999, reached 28 in 2001 and
increased even more with innocent children in the recent two years. As an informal
sharing, most of these cases are reported to have serious marital disputes like
indulgence into extra-marital affairs, spouse battering, heavy gambling that led to
-23-
financial difficulties and big debts. Meanwhile, the total number of spouse battering
cases as reported by Social Welfare Department was 1,172 in 1998/1999. It quickly
increased to 1,679, 2,321 and 2,433 in the following three years; and was expected
to be doubled in 2003 and 2004. These family tragedies are still sadly continuing
and reported day by day. Being a social worker, I am obliged to handle the growing
family violence with the emotional spouses suffering from infidelity issues and their
innocent children with ultimate care all the time.
Among the hundreds of cases that I have served in the past several
years, I have picked up three of them with different types of infidelity for present
illustration. They were selected for discussion during the practice seminar of this
study because of my failure to offer help and its clinical impacts that brought to me
even after a long time.
2.1.1
YIP's Case
Mrs. YIP, aged 41, a full-time housewife and married for 8 years with
two young children, first-time approached social worker for advice on divorce,
claiming that she was battered by her husband at the lift lobby near home at night
and it was already the fourth time in the month. Further investigations revealed
that Mrs. YIP had been seriously emotionally disturbed by her husband's suspicious
affairs in Shenzhen in the recent half year. The marital relationship was described
to be cool since the birth of the younger child and further distant in recent years.
-24-
The husband, Mr YIP, aged 52, a cook in Chinese restaurant, was fond of nocturnal
pleasure-seeking activities.
after work and then returned home in the early next morning. He had reduced
household money and also stopped having sex with Mrs. YIP.
The couple was acquainted in the Night Club, where Mrs. YIP worked
there since early adulthood. At that time, Mrs. YIP was deserted again by her third
cohabitant, who took away her second baby (like her first cohabitant did) and then
disappeared.
relying on men's support for living and had no other means to live independently.
She formally registered marriage with Mr YIP after pregnant and became full-time
housewife afterwards. The early years of her marriage were reported to be peaceful
but Mr YIP said he lost passion on Mrs. YIP soon because of incompatible character
and communication deficiency.
-25-
The first question was: Should I assume Mr YIP "innocent" and help
him communicate well with Mrs. YIP? However, I did not believe in Mr YIP and it
was after developing trust with me that he admitted to have sexual relationship
with some girls in Shenzhen. The sexual affairs gradually turned into emotional
affairs when Mr YIP was touched by the continuous child care support and tender
concern from the girlfriend that he thought his hysteric wife could never fulfill him.
To maintain the family integrity, Mr YIP did not admit the affairs to Mrs. YIP but
-26-
somehow he knew it was not coverable. He was certainly dissatisfied by his marital
relationship but avoidant to solve problems with Mrs. YIP by running to other
resources.
motivation for affairs, as Charny (1992) stated before, was to escape from the
difficulties of the marriage rather than confronting the spouse. Mr YIP considered
his affairs harmless to the family as long as he maintained the marriage, served the
breadwinner's role and provided if Mrs. YIP could behave herself as a mother's role.
His infidelity was justified by the non-cooperative attitudes and in-capabilities of
Mrs. YIP in keeping a good home. He requested my acceptance and understanding
on his limitations instead of confrontation to his unfaithfulness.
To help Mrs. YIP settle her anxiety, I suggested the couple go together
that Mr YIP would show Mrs. YIP his favorite Disco as well as his girlfriend's home
in Shenzhen. Mrs. YIP was not satisfied and even more conscious about Mr YIP's
affairs and she kept asking me to judge his wrongdoings. She failed to retain Mr
YIP home and continued to ruin her life as well as the children's. She became
highly manipulative and over-dependent on social worker's provisions of emotional
support, child caring, financial, housing and everyday living assistances.
I might
object Mr YIFs doing, yet, I did not condemn him as long as he concerned the
children more than Mrs. YIP did. To a certain extent, I showed empathy to this
man, who had an inadequate wife that unable to fulfill even his basic emotional and
physical needs.
No matter how hard and comprehensive that I tried to assist Mrs. YIP,
she kept blaming me of permitting Mr YIP's affairs and doing nothing to stop him.
I excused it by putting the children's welfare on the first priority (as the paramount
concern of our work was child protection), hoping to maintain a stable family
condition without violence.
needs, communication problems, root of marital conflict and their strengths. I also
avoided judging Mr YIP with my personal value as much as possible, keeping the
infidelity issue distant from me. My work agenda was indeed pulling Mrs. YIP back
to her mother's role only and pushing away all her distressful feelings of being
betrayed and deserted.
counseling.
What did Mr YIP's infidelity mean to me? Did I side with Mr YIP because
of his "Justified" reason to engage into EMA? What was it that causing me so frighten
and avoidant in facing Mrs. YIFs intensive emotions after discovery of infidelity?
-28-
2.1.2
CHAN's
Case
Mrs. CHAN, aged 34, a housewife with two toddlers, was married to
the Hong Kong Citizen, Mr CHAN, aged 34, a lorry driver in China upon
introduction by friends.
while Mr CHAN visited them once a week. Six months ago, Mrs. CHAN and the
children were granted single-entry permit to Hong Kong. The marital relationship
deteriorated quickly when Mr CHAN spent more and more leisure time outside
home while Mrs. CHAN demanded more and more attention from him. The crisis
came in a few months later as Mrs. CHAN discovered a condom at Mr CHAN'S
hand-bag. She reacted to his infidelity vigorously and requested him to confess,
otherwise, she would commit suicide with the children. Mr CHAN denied of having
EMA but he was also evasive to face Mrs. CHAN by staying outside overnight some
days a week and taking lodging at his parents' abode.
-29-
concern and emotional disturbances was still oriented from his infidelity.
However, the
equilibrium was easily stirred up as Mr CHAN soon felt restrictive at home and
irritated by her hysteric reactions that resulted in frequent marital disputes and
spouse battering. Mr CHAN asked for separation if Mrs. CHAN kept on disturbing
his living. He requested her to endure his outside heterosexual activities, if she still
wanted to maintain the marriage. He once proposed divorce and postponed it when
Mrs. CHAN became submissive to him. Then he could get rid of marital conflict
and the vicious cycle repeated.
-30-
past years, yet, Mr CHAN did not amend his gambling problems. I was further
surprised to find that Mr CHAN'S father and elder brother were both involved into
EMA. It seemed that infidelity was an intergenerational legacy in this family and
the individuals had learnt to be unfaithful, despite their efforts to hide the infidelity.
Therefore, his family considered Mr CHAN's willful behaviors acceptable. Seeing
him as a spoiled self-centered child, I often blamed Mr CHAN without noticing his
thrive for independence, as the same way as Mrs. CHAN did.
Once again, Mr
CHAN felt no obligation to fulfill my expectations and walked away. Did I bring
him any insight or hope to his marriage? The answer was negative. Mr CHAN
gained nothing from our encounter.
Meanwhile, Mr CHAN paid occasional visits to her upon her strong request. Did
the separation help improve their relationship? The answer was negative.
likely to be sexual infidelity, either real or fantasized, which was more a narcissistic
injury than an object loss. Another study by Rasche (Brown, E.M., 2001, p.299)
noted that about 49% of spouse homicides, including those of a mate were reactive,
unplanned
and
Most of all, J was not doing marital counseling to this couple but kept
punishing Mr CHAN because of his non-commitment to the marriage as well as to the
counseling process.
-33-
2.1.3
WONG's Case
Mrs. WONG, aged 27, was brought up in a broken family. Her mother
deserted the family since her early childhood, leaving her and her sister to father.
Her father later remarried in China and gave birth to two more children. Owing to
inadequate parental supervision and strong feeling to be neglected in the family,
she exhibited serious behavioral problems since teenage and started cohabitation
with Mr WONG, aged 32, a garage worker, when she was only 15-year-old. She had
undergone several abortions before finally giving birth to a 7-year-old daughter.
Then the couple formally registered their marriage and lived together with Mr
WONG's parents.
maturely played the mediator, buffer and protective roles for them at home.
-34-
about romance but the philanderers would escape anything that looked controlling
to them.
Meanwhile, Mrs. WONG started anew by joining a drug abstinence programme and
resumed secondary schooling in the evening classes. Although she still expressed
love towards Mr WONG, she gradually learned to live independently, develop her
own interest, focus on nurturing her daughter and let the past go.
-35-
Spring, J.A. (1996) noted that women tended to experience more guilt
over infidelity than men did. In general, women's infidelity accepted more social
disapproval than the male counterparts, and I used to think so. However, I was
surprised to see that Mrs. WONG's affair was not only serving the purpose of
striking back against the betrayer, Mr WONG, but also reliving her from the
unfulfilling marriages and providing her a valuable chance for personal growth.
2.2
The treatment of infidelity challenges both the clinical skills and the
personal values of the therapist, and I am no exception. The previous examination
of my work experiences had alerted me of several important issues that accounted
for my personal constraints and incapability to address to these clients' emotional
needs. I believed these issues were worth-noting but there were still no absolute
answers or concrete solutions to it, however, acknowledging it properly was
certainly the first essential step.
>
him while providing good child care assistances during crisis. Having
lost hope in training up Mrs. YIP's independence, I colluded with Mr
YIP in calming down her and trying to sustain the family functioning
by co-existence of the affairs. Was infidelity beneficial to this family? I
must admit that it was partially true. Yet, rarely did social workers
view affairs as people's healthy expressions, nor should we support a
clandestine affair for the sake of family. Was I far beyond the social
standard?
The other case, Mrs. WONG had finally rebuilt her self-esteem and
value through engagement into affairs, despite her initial intention to
take revenge on Mr WONG. I was not sure whether their marriage
was retrievable or not if their affairs had been stopped. I felt so weak
to impose personal views on their decisions that I just relied on their
self-determination.
>
It was not clear until being confronted by Mrs. YIP that I realized that
I had put the blame of marital problems to her personal faults.
In
CHANs case, I was eager to ask, confront and push him to comply
with the marriage commitment while neglecting his thrives for
personal fulfillments. What I valued in it was surely not Mr CHANs
-37-
cup of tea. Without probing into further details, I was just releasing
my anger towards his impaired personalities but not understanding
his personal constraints. My rejecting attitudes had forbidden me from
further emotional connection with clients and my insistence on the
issue of commitment to marital relationships seemed powerless in the
counseling process.
In both YIP and CHAN's cases, I did feel very uncomfortable to handle
the intensive emotions of the victims, which were abruptly expressed
without trace. Weeks & et.al (2003) described that some therapists
were afraid to talk about the affairs directly or spend too much time on
it. They might fear to step in because of counter-transference issues,
lack of skills in handling such matters, discomfort with the anticipated
emotional intensity or fear of precipitating a premature ending of the
relationship. I thus colluded with the couple, proceeding on the basis
that "the past is the past" and convincing myself that stabilizing their
emotions, improving the marriage conditions and protecting the
welfare of the children were the tasks at hand. In fact, the reason that
I was not confident to handle their emotion intensities might probably
due to not familiar enough with the victims and betrayers' emotional
reactions in different stages.
-38-
While not certain about divorce or not, some couples might desire a
separation because living together was too painful. It was common in
many cases that one or both of them asked for my validation to their
decisions of splitting.
infidelity was a leading cause of spousal abuse and homicide (Daly &
Wilson, 1988). Fearing to take risk, I had rushed to conclusion of
separation quickly in the CHAN'S case while having no intention to
drawing them back in the WONG's case. I tried to convince myself
that they were determined to do it after thoughtful consideration, yet,
somehow, I knew I had missed something workable in the negotiation
process which was surely more than the protective function but a
meaningful chance for mutual communication between the couple.
They included an
-39-
It was true that I might acquire some effective skills through literature
studies and supervised practices. But I could never master them if I had not gone
through the therapeutic dilemmas or inner struggles over them.
-40-
CHAPTER III
THEAPAUTIC DILEMMAS
3.1
Counter Transference
material presented by the client or the couple. These responses may be conscious or
beyond the awareness of the therapist. Unconscious counter-transference feelings
(such as inner desires, fears, inclinations or strong resistance to infidelity) and
responses are usually potentially destructive to the therapeutic process because the
individual partners or the interactions of the couple re-stimulate the unresolved
conflicts of the therapist.
related to the therapist' sensitivities than to the problems presented by the couple
(Weeks & et.al, 2003).
fantasies about having affair (like WONG's case), sex temptation, dalliance or other
unresolved inner conflicts such as unfinished business since childhood, which
produced inappropriate counter-transference
process. In couple work with infidelity, there was the potential danger that we
undermined one partner and over-identified with the other. Our polarized way of
viewing the situation could indeed create more emotional distance for couples or
pathologically victimized one to another, just as the way I did in YIP's and CHAN'S
cases.
These
>
>
-42-
What Brown mentioned above did exert timely warnings on myself and
help review my unconscious feelings towards the betrayers and victims. In addition,
Moultrup, D. (1990) called for the therapist's need to remain neutral and unbiased
when dealing with the complicated layers of treating affairs.
therapists, who might or might not had been personally affected in affairs, adopted
a strong moralistic or religiously based stance against the betrayers and the affair
partners. They projected a punitive judgmental therapeutic attitude to them and
suggested leaving the marriage as moral restitution for the damage caused to the
faithful partner. Some others, who were tempted to have affair as a way to escape a
difficult marital situation but resist such an urge, tended to "harden" their attitudes
against the enticement, might have little patience or understanding to clients'
weakness in resisting it.
-43-
3.2
However, our
personal history and socialization shape our attitudes. As we are living in the same
world as our clients do, many of the strong social forces that influence them also
affect us, and we must also deal with infidelity issues related to our own
relationships from time to time.
dysfunction that required to be fixed; while others have a more permissive stance
with greater understanding and empathy to clients because of their specific
encounters with infidelity beforehand.
strong representatives of our moral, ethical and religious value systems, which in
fact contribute to our intervention approach to infidelity cases all the time.
From this
Tomm, K. (1988) suggested that therapist should be accepting, nonjudgmental and respectful of the family's autonomy rather than telling them how
they ought to behave. He used circular and reflexive questions to trigger clients to
reflect on their belief systems, entertain new views and facilitate them in mobilizing
their own resources. He assumed that this neutral stance by the therapist could
liberate the family's "natural healing capacity".
-45-
collaborative approach and by an explicit sharing of his/ her moral position that the
therapist could safeguard the moral agency of the client, while encouraging their
ethical behaviours.
-46-
3.3
Commitment
maintain commitment, and the erratic emotional responses of clients become the
greatest challenge of therapist throughout the treatment process.
Kelly, H. (1983)
identified four major principles that could be used as therapeutic strategies for
improving commitment to the relationship. The first principle was increasing the
reward-cost ratio in the relationship, such as asking the couple to recall the
-48-
satisfying
about
themselves and what they would like to add in the future to make the relationship
better. The second principle was future-oriented.
they could meet each other's needs in the future? The third principle was the degree
of irretrievable investments made in the relationship and the fear of losing it would
determine whether couples stay. A more subtle investment was the sense of couple
identity - such as comfort in their respective social roles, expectations and shared
history. The last principle comprised a consideration of the attractiveness of the
alternatives. The therapist explored what would happen if the couple ended their
relationship and infused some reality-based considerations into client's idealized
fantasies.
The last but not the least, most distressed couples walking into the
counseling room often forgot what they had pledged on their wedding day. Being
much inspired by what Jung, M. (2000) wrote about marriage commitment, I deeply
wished to share it with the readers:
-49-
"There is surely no guarantee or assurance that any marriage will evolve into a
mutually enhancing and satisfying relationship
they each move from an "I" to a "We" position in relating to the world.
Each
that each partner's loyalty and allegiance to the other will demonstrate protection,
fidelity, dedication, support and mutual-dependency, particularly under adverse
conditions
3.4
Conclusion
than other relational problem cases (a factor that weighs on treatment effectiveness
to many therapists). We experience endless challenges to our knowledge base and
value system.
pills to cure people who are being infected by it. Once, a notable therapist told a
man, who went to stage for his advice after listening to his speech on marriage
enrichment, that the only way to love his wife whom he did not love anymore, was
simply "To Love Her!".
infidelity is "To marry the one you love and let him/ her be the only one of yours."
That's all.
-52-
SUPPLEMENTARY NOTES
1.
2. Peggy Vaughan, the founder of Home of Beyond Affairs Network (BAN) in US, offers webvisitors numerous insights on getting through affairs both physically and emotionally. Her
articles help people be better prepared to either prevent affairs or to recover if it happens.
3. Atwood & Schwartz (2002) suggested treatment directions on handling cyber-affairs
including: Evaluation, Crisis Intervention, Dealing with Underlying Issues, Build
Communication, Rebuilding Marital Trust, Constructing New Stories and Ritual for a Fresh
Start.
-53-
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Carpenter, J. & Treacher, A. (1989). Problems and solutions in marital and family therapy. New York: Basil
Blackwell Ltd.
Charny, I.W. (1992). Catering and not catering affairs: The proper and improper pursuit of extramarital
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Daly, M., & Wilson, M. (1988). Homicide. Hawthorne, New York: Aldine de Gruyter.
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Glass, S. & Wright, T. (1997). Reconstructing marriages after the trauma of infidelity. In Halford, W.K. &
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Websites
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Dear Peggy.com (Home of Beyond Affairs Network - BAN)
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Dr. Luann Linguist: The Person-to-Person Advisor: Secret Lovers.
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