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Title

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A social worker's reflection on handling infidelity issues with


violent couples

Wong, Hoi-woon, Amy.; .

Citation

Issued Date

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2004

http://hdl.handle.net/10722/65133

The author retains all proprietary rights, (such as patent rights)


and the right to use in future works.

A Social Worker's Reflection on Handling Infidelity Issues


with Violent Couples

A Clinical Practice Dissertation Submitted


To
Department of Social Work and Social Administration
Faculty of Social Sciences
The University of Hong Kong

IN PARTIAL FULFILMENT FOR THE DEGREE IN


MASTER OF SOCIAL SCIENCE (SOCIAL WORK)

BY
WONG HOI WOON, AMY

JUNE 2004

SUPERVISOR : MRS. BIBIANA CHAU


i

Dedicated to my husband, Atom

My cats, Mickey, Minnie, Tiger andSai Sai

To Someone whom I love

ii

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I would like to gratefully acknowledge my supervisor, Mrs Bibiana


Chau, who gave me much valuable advice through case discussions, demonstration
and examination of my work. Her generous understanding and emotional support
to my completion of this dissertation is indispensable.

I would also like to express the warmest thanks to my seniors in Social


Welfare Department, who had not only supported my study and approved the videotaping of the client that I was working with, but also allowed me to take time in
fulfilling it. My appreciations to the clients' frank sharing of their marital problems
were notable, as they had stimulated, refined and taught me lots of things in life.

In particular, I must extend my deepest gratitude to my beloved family


members, colleagues and close friends, namely Ann Chan (and her family), Teresa
Leung, Marek Lam, Daniel Leung, Lee Yi-yun, K.K. Lee and Constance Leung.
Their enduring care, patience and support to me are vital to my personal growth
throughout this three-year journey of study.

iii

Table of Contents
CONTENTS

PAGE

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

iii

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER I - CONCEPTUAL UNDERSTANDING


1.1

Terms and Concepts

1.2

Typologies of Infidelity

1.3

The Prevalence

1.4

Multidimensional Characteristics of Infidelity

12

1.5

Consequences of Infidelity and Treatment Approaches

17

CHAPTER II - CASE REFLECTION


2.1

2.2

Working with Spousal Violence Case caused by Infidelity

22

2.1.1 YIF's Case

24

2.1.2 CHAN'S Case

29

2.1.3 WONG's Case

34

Personal Struggles on Treating Infidelity

36

CHAPTER III - THERAPIST'S DILEMMAS


3.1

Counter Transference

41

3.2

Ethics, Moral and Value

44

3.3

Commitment

47

3.4

Conclusion

50

Summary of Four Typological Approaches on Infidelity

TABLE

SUPPLEMENTARY NOTES

53

REFRENCE

54

INTRODUCTION

Perhaps the greatest trauma one may experience in the marital life,
with the exception of death, is the discovery of a partner's infidelity.

We search for true love in our lives, expect to find the Mr or Mrs. Right,
and settle in forever. But married couple often lives in routine and soon loses their
passion to each other after honeymoon. For whatever reasons, some of us are fallen
in extramarital affairs, which serve as an alternative outlet of some dysfunctional
marriages. Throughout the deceptive process and ultimate disclosure of the secret,
most of us cannot endure the painfullness and exhibited it into various marriage
distresses including spousal violence and termination of marriages.

Despite acknowledging the facts, however, are we, as social workers,


really confident about what's going on and able to deal with this vivid issue with our
clients comfortably?

This paper is not aiming to use a scientific methodology to investigate


the clinical factors, skills or therapist's deficiency in handling infidelity cases with
spouse battering elements, nor has it adopted a formal qualitative research method
to assess the competency of the therapist in treating adultery problems.

In fact, it is often my personal concern that I, as a frontline social


worker working at the Family and Child Protective Services Unit (FCPSU) in the
Government, am incapable in rendering effective counseling to those clients
enjoying or suffering from infidelity issues in their marriages, not to mention my
very task to stop spousal violence in it.

Having repeated failures, I finally realized that my work touched


neither my heart nor my clients'. I decided to take a deeper look into my inners and
find answers through the exploratory process of my counseling work experience.

With the ultimate

goal of exploring my personal constraints,

counseling style and enhancing professionalism, I started my learning journey by


building up a knowledge base on the complexities of infidelity first. I believe it is
necessary to increases our self-awareness and clinical competence in dealing with
the quandaries, predicaments that are caused by it, before we can further examine
our counseling experience, refine our work and develop proper attitudes on facing it.

Afterward, I tried to review my previous counseling experiences and


find out the reciprocal impacts on me as well as on the clients that I worked with in
the past eight years. I have especially selected three real cases (that were suffering
from spouse battering due to husband and/ or wife's infidelity) for clinical
examination. I also purposefully videotaped the counseling process of one of them
(with Social Welfare Department's written approval and client's full consent) for
group analysis and objective comments by the clinical study team at the University.
vi

Upon continuous study on the infidelity issues while receiving positive


feedback from my supervisor as well as the clinical study team members, I could
gradually grasp some concrete ideas about the nature of infidelity, the controversial
values, moral and therapeutic ethics that had constituted to my vulnerability,
personal struggles and intervention deficiency in facing these helpless clients. It
became a valuable learning process not only beneficial to my personal growth, but
also to my practical work and the clients.

I am not intending to make this paper a comprehensive reference for


social workers on treating infidelity issues.

Nor I generalize my personal

experience to others. Instead, I want to show the readers what I have learnt from
this topic through a discovery process and personal reflection at my work.
Hopefully, if the readers also agree, this kind of sharing can bring some insights to
those who have similar struggles, and supplement their therapeutic work with this
specialized clientele.

To meet my objectives, I have deliberately divided this paper into three


chapters:

Chapter I was an overview of various perspectives on infidelity


including the terms and concepts, typologies, prevalence,

multidimensional

characteristics, gender issues, consequences and treatment approaches. It provided

vii

a systemic picture of the issue and helped me develop a conceptual framework for
treatment.

Chapter II was a simple illustration of three spouse-battering cases in


relation to the husband and/ or wife's infidelity. These cases were actually handled
by me in the past three years and the counsehng process with one of the betrayers
(CHAN's Case) had been videotaped for clinical supervision purpose in the recent
six months. Through the re-examination and reflection on my work experiences
during the practice seminar in my study, I was surprised to realize my personal
constraints and incapability to address to these clients' emotional needs effectively.

Chapter III was a concluding section and it discussed the significant


therapist's dilemmas like counter transference, morals, values and ethical concern
that I was stuck with.

My urge for clients' commitment to marriage, to the

treatment process and a reflective mind of the therapist were stressed.


limitations of this study were also mentioned.

viii

Several

CHAPTER I
CONCEPTUAL UNDERSTANDING

1.1

Terms and Concepts

To define extra-marital affairs (EMA) and adultery, one may


immediately consider a violation of the sexual monogamy with any parties other
than the legalized marital spouse. The terms affair and infidelity are also used to
describe people having any form of sexual activities and/ or emotional intimacy that
violate the couple's committed relationship. Mrs. Katherine Young & et.al (1995)
defined extramarital affairs as an emotional solution to an emotional problem; and
the most serious threat to a marriage is the emotional commitment to another
relationship.

However, the parameters of such an agreement may vary among and


between couples, who usually perceive a breach of any part of their intimacy
contract such as flirtation, philandering, non-coital sex, viewing of pornographic
materials, visiting prostitutes, emotional affairs or cyber sex as threatening their
relationship stability, not merely the sexual exclusivity. Whether or not an affair
has occurred or a client experience infidelity depends much on how he/ she defines
the situation, or whether or not the transgression is experienced as a betrayal of the
couple's intimate relationship, based on their own definitions or marital contract.

Hence, a more precise description of the specific conduct in question is


required and we should extend the parameters to include dating partnerships,
cohabitating unmarried couples and homosexual relationships.

An empirical

literature review of some of the descriptions may help us understand more about it:

An affair is a sexual involvement with someone other than the spouse, which is hidden
from the spouse (Brown, E.M., 2001).

Denial of the detrimental impact of the boundary violation and deception on the
relationship (McCarthy,B., 2002).

Deliberate efforts to conceal secrets from the partner (Lusterman,D., 1998).

Emotional and/ or physical intimacy expressed through other relationships or outlets


without the consent of the partner (Shaw,J., 1997).

A breach of the trust, a betrayal of relationship and a breaking of an agreement. Such


partners use deception to conceal the transgression, minimize the impact on the
relationship, and create confusion in their partners (Pittman,F., 1989).

A powerful urge to spend time with the affair partner, sharing of thoughts and feelings
that are not revealed to one' s committed partner; a betrayal of partner' s trust (Glass,
S. & Wright, T. 1997).

Threat to the security of the relationship (Spring, J.A. 1996).

In this paper, I will adopt the definitions shared by Weeks, G.R. et.al
(2003) in using the term infidelity to depict a violation of the couple's assumed or
stated contract regarding emotional and/ or sexual exclusivity.

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When a partner

systematically needs to conceal thoughts, emotions and behaviors from the other, a
breach of the couple's intimacy contract has taken place. It indicates a wider range
of betrayals of committed relationships than adultery. The term affair (or EMA) is
specific to infidelity within a heterosexual marriage only. Besides, the unfaithful
partner, the committed partner and the third party are represented by the terms of
betrayer, victim and affair partner respectively.

1.2

Typologies of Infidelity

In an effort to understand the complicated features of infidelity, a


number of overseas clinicians, include Brown, E.M. (1991 & 2001); Chamy, I.W.
(1992); Lawson, A. (1988); Levine, S.B. (1998); Humphrey, F.G. (1987); Strean, H.
(1976); Lusterman, D. (1998) and Pittman, F. (1989) have created organizational
models that provide types or categories to aid in understanding the motivations and
the comprehension of infidelity that prepare us for an initial step in assessment and
treatment. These typologies may require some adjustments on the cultural aspects
but in general, according to my working experience with Chinese families, I
consider them applicable to most Chinese communities, in which they had been
exposed to the Western style of freedom and commitment in marriage.

Here I have summarized four of these distinctive models, although


some of their ideas are quite over-lapping, for our reference. Brown's model is based
on the behavioural patterns and emotional dynamics of the couple; Charny's model
focuses on the commitment issue between the couple; Lusterman's model focuses on
-3-

the discovery and resultant emotional turmoil subsequent to the violation of trust.
Pittman presented a typology in relation to marriage arrangement:

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-5-

-6-

-7-

Table - Summary of Four Typological Approaches on Infidelity


-8-

1.3

The Prevalence

The incidence of infidelity in the population is significant despite


general social disapproval for this behaviour. Overseas studies reported high rates
of marital infideUty and even within the first year of marriage (Buss, D.M. & et al.,
1997).

In United States, there were a substantial amount of studies on the

incidence, prevalence and correlates of infidelity, which were likely to be stimulated


by the first large-scale scientific research on human sexual behaviours in 1950s
(Kinsey, A.C. & et al, 1948 & 1953), in which the data showed that 50% of husbands
and 26% of wives had experienced affairs during the course of their marriages.
Although the actual prevalence was unknown and often varied in the following
researches due to different

study designs, statistical analysis, social and

experimental variables, an estimated 26% - 50% of men and 21% - 38% of women
were often reported to have engaged in affairs or other forms of infidelity at some
points in their lifetimes (Christopher, F.S. & Sprecher, S., 2000; Drigotas, S. &
Barta, W., 2001; Choi, K.H. & et al., 1994).

Another two large-scale studies

conducted in 1993 by the National Opinion Research Center and in 1997 by


Widerman had added information that 24.5% of married men and 15% of married
women reported having an affair at some points in their marriages, and men were
about two times more likely to have an affair (22.7% vs 11.6%) than women.
Moreover, the rate of occurrence of infideUty increased with marital duration in
both sexes while for women, the highest rate of occurrence was in their 40s and the
frequency declines after then (Wiederman, N.W., 1997, Laumann, E. & et al., 1994).

-9-

Related studies with Chinese subjects were considerably rare, sporadic


and smaller in scale than Western's. In 1995, Geary, D.C. and his colleagues have
compared the gender difference of jealousy to emotional and sexual infidelity
between 308 Chinese and American undergraduates.

They found that the U.S.

counterparts were more distressing about sexual infidelity while the Chinese were
more distressing about emotional infidelity, suggesting that there was a general
sexual permissiveness in the culture of Chinese.

Chang, J.S. (1999) did some

interesting analyses on the content of scripts of marital infidelity from a wide range
of media sources in Taiwan, and derived from them the cultural values of general
male supremacy and condemning on the part of the women, although in a majority
of situations that they were actually direct victims of the infidelity.

It was

consistent to our traditional beliefs on Chinese family values of marital loyalty.

How about the local context? There were many economic, cultural and
societal changes in the past decade with a growing trend of cross-broader affairs
between Mainland and Hong Kong, as well as an increase in divorce rate since 1992
that added threats to marital life. According to the reports by Hong Kong Council of
Social Services Clientele Information Service (1988-1990), Hong Kong Catholic
Marriage Advisory Council Annual Reports (1991-1994), the Caritas Family Service
(1994) and the Hong Kong Marriage Mediation Service (1994), there were 26.1%,
32%-39.8%, 40% and 29.7% out of the total marital problem caseloads had been
involved into extramarital affairs. I tried to understand it more through several
small-scale local studies on extra-marital affairs, including the Study on marriages
affected by extramarital

affairs (Young, K&et al, 1995), Profiling the Users of the


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Extramarital Affairs (EMA) Hotline Service (Family Services, Caritas, 2002),

, 2002), in addition to some sporadic thesis at Universities.

Young and her colleagues (1995) had conducted an analytical study on


the 421 marital problem cases receiving counseling on extra-marital issues by
Caritas Family Service in Hong Kong. They found that 93.4% were related to
husband's affairs and the most vulnerable time of marriage to affair was around 15
years.

The impact of EMA on marital satisfaction, especially in marital sexual

satisfaction was very strong, with more than 52% of couples having no sex.

In another time, Caritas Family Service had analyzed 1562 informants


who called in for telephone counseling services during the period between Oct. 1997
to June.2001 and 654 marital problem cases from May.2001 to April.2002. Among
the telephone informants, the most prevailing form of EMA involved one couple and
one single.

Near to half (48%) had EMA for more than six months and the

relationship with the third party was considered relatively stable.

Workplace

appeared to be a breeding ground for EMA that about 33% of EMA happened in
work-related situations. Among the marital problem cases, the most vulnerable age
group for EMA and married years bed in their 35 - 44 years old and 6-10 years of
marriages. The other two recent local studies

2002 &

, 2002) also showed consistent findings that about 38% of EMA happened within
the 7 th year to 10th year of marriages, and also estimated more than 10% of the
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general population had EMA, although the actual figures might be higher. I believe
these figures showing just the tip of the iceberg only and there are still many untold
stories affecting numerous families in Hong Kong.

1.4

Multidimensional Characteristics of Infidelity

Not surprisingly, most articles and books about infidelity have either
blended the experiences of men and women together or have a stronger focus on the
male perspectives.

Atkins, D.C.& et al (2001) suggested that the income level,

work-related status as well as the alternative attractiveness and mate value one
can seek outside existing partnership were important determinants for men
engaging in EMA. Buss, D.M. (1997) viewed marital infidelity as the issue of male
retention and human sexual strategies for consolidation of acquisition of resources psychological, emotional or materials. Similarly, many local articles described more
male infidelity for its obvious prevalence in the society than female infidelity. The
truth is, it is necessary to unravel the puzzle about the gender differences and
understand more about its characteristics from multi-dimensions.

In a large-scale study by Glass, S. & Wright, T. (1977), EMA was


clearly associated with lower marital satisfaction in men and women. Men who had
experienced EMA reportedly were dissatisfied early in the marriage and remained
so throughout the duration. Of the women who had EMA, the later in marriage she
first had it, the lower her marital satisfaction was inclined to be.

Marital

unhappiness, sexual gratification, romantic love and emotional intimacy were


-12-

commonly used justifications for having an affair but many women remained in
unhappy marriages for reasons of financial security and social status while
satisfying their emotional needs through affairs. They noted the high percentage of
male affairs beginning within the first five years of marriage and speculated that
this might be related to the pressures of work, parenthood and the attention that
the wife gives to the children. The incidence of affairs among wives in their late 30s
and early 40s might be associated with loneliness in marriage, continuing entering
the workforce and narrowing of gender gap.

In their later study in 1985, Glass and Wright found that, in general,
women who had affairs were more dissatisfied with their marriages than men who
had affairs were. Marital dissatisfaction was significantly related to the degree of
emotional attachment to their affair partners.

These women apparently were

motivated to seek a greater level of emotional involvement than they experienced


with their husbands.

On the contrary, sexual factors rather than marital

dissatisfaction motivated the men who had affairs. Male infidelity was likely to be
characterized as more sexual and less emotional. Their findings indicated that
marital and sexual dissatisfaction were most strongly related to EMA and a group
of characteristics called "personal readiness

factors" also co-varied with the

incidence of it. Some of these factors included the need for emotional independence,
a sense of alienation, perceived opportunity for involvement, knowing someone who
has engaged in EMA and perceiving sexual activity as separate from love.

-13-

Atwater, L. (1979), in a study of 40 women from all walks of life, had


investigated their first experience on affairs and provided us comprehensive view of
women's infidelity. The study demonstrated that cultural norms did not hold up for
women choosing to have an affair or not.

Instead, they were driven to it by

unfulfilling marriages, the thrill of personal growth that resulted from an affair, a
need for greater intimacy and self-fulfillment or the desire for sex.

Knowing

another woman (sometimes their mothers) who had affair seemed to have a
permission-giving effect on the women under this study.

Besides, 25% of them

reported having conversations with their spouses in some general or hypothetical


ways in order to test their husbands' reactions. Friendships became an important
risk factor that increased the likelihood of an emotional attachment and ultimately
extra-marital affairs.

However, only a few of the women who were emotionally

attached reported being in love with their affair partners.

This study also

illustrated how strongly women tended to integrate emotional involvement with


sexual fulfillment. Once they had experienced this form of excitement and personal
growth, they were vulnerable to future affairs.

Another study on sixty young

women by Hurlbert, D. in 1992 indicated that the best predictors of the duration of
women's affair were their sexual attitudes and the length of time the affair partner
was known before the woman crossed the emotional boundary. He commented that
women who continued their affairs possibly became emotionally attached to their
affair partners after the initial period of sexual enjoyment, making it more difficulty
to end the affair than men's.

-14-

On an attitudinal level, most people claim disapprove of infidelity,


yet empirical studies has shown that denunciation of such behaviour does not serve
to reduce its incidence (Glass, S. & Wright, T., 1992; Treas, J. & Giesen, D., 2000).
Marriages in some cultures even permit males, but not the females, to screw around.
In general, permissive attitudes toward EMA are more likely to occur in liberally
minded, sexually permissive individuals with low religiosity, pre-marital sexual
experience and premarital sexual permissiveness (Christopher, F.S. & Sprecher, S.,
2000). Van den Eijnden, R. and colleagues (2000) reported that men gave more
approval for affairs than women did; and who had engaged in affairs estimated that
a higher percentage of others engaged in the same behaviour than did who had not
engaged in these behaviours. Conversely, those women who had affairs perceived
themselves as relatively unique in comparison to faithful women and men who
engaged in extramarital behaviour.

It seemed that women often took greater

responsibility for their behaviours or saw it as internally motivated.

Their self-

perceptions may have reflected a double-standard that sanctions marital infidelity


for women.

Spring, J.A. (1996) noted that women tend to experience more guilt
over infidelity than men do. Because they could not compartmentalize their feelings
as well as men can, they became unhappy with their marriages. Men were better
deny the impact of infidelity and able to keep an affair separate from the marriage
because it was not considered as a core component of their self-esteem and its effect
on the self as well as the marital relationship was undervalued.

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Walster, E. and colleagues (1978) hypothesized that infidelity might


be an equity restoring mechanism.

From equity perspective, if any of the partners,

(whether over or under benefiting in the marriages) perceived their relationship


unfair would become distressed. If the balance could not be restored, the individual
will attempt to exit the relationship and the under-benefited partner may feel there
is not much to be lost if the spouse discovers the infidelity. Prins, K. and colleagues
(1993) added that woman's feelings of inequity, dissatisfaction (including sexual
aspects) in the marriages and moral approval of EMA strongly correlated with
actual commitment of it. Additionally, women who expected direct reciprocity in
their marriages were more inclined to engage in EMA.

Another interesting biological study by Booth, A. and Dabbs, J. in 1993


investigated the relationship between men's testosterone levels and the choice to
marry, marital happiness and duration of marriage. The findings revealed that
men with higher levels of testosterone were less likely to marry and more likely to
have experienced a divorce at some time in their lives. Moreover, these men were
inclined to have hit or thrown things at their spouses and spent time apart from
them. As expected, infidelity was correlated with testosterone levels in men, with
the most affairs occurring in the high-range group.

To mention more, there were numerous empirical reports on infidelity


demonstrating that affairs often took place in particular situations, under certain
conditions of vulnerability for the individual or couple, and influenced by model-

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learning from others or within the family of origins (Weeks, G.R., et al., 2003), for
examples. Nevertheless, I would not discuss them into further details here.

1.5

Consequences of Infidelity and Treatment Approaches

InfideUty was often considered a major factor in marital dissolution


and divorce (Penn, C , et al., 1997), yet separation of the couple was certainly not
the only consequence of infideUty. In monogamous marriages, most couples agree
that infidelity is a breach of trust, the breaking of the couple's agreement about
their sexual exclusivity.

But some couples make up their own rules that, for

example, some open marriages have permitted short-term sexual relationships with
outsiders but not emotional attachment; some would accept homosexual but not
heterosexual behaviours outside the marriage; and some have allowed replacement
sex when partners are separated by time or distance. In fact, the sex act itself
seems to be less damaging than the deliberate effort to disorient one's partner to
avoid the inevitable conflict over some breach of the marital agreement. And more
others have chosen to remain in unhappy marriages for practical considerations.
Therefore, the outcomes of infideUty could be varied in different marriages and
simply classified into four possible forms:

The affair will end and the marriage will continue.

The marriage will end and the affair will continue.

Both the affair and the marriage will continue.

Both the affair and the marriage will end.

-17-

Charny, I. and Parnass, S.(1995) had once administered surveys to 62


marital therapists who handled infideUty and concluded that only 43.5% of these
marriages continued after the affair, and the overall atmosphere of them was
described as dysphonic or negative. An additional 6% of affected couples reported a
sense of emptiness in their marriages and pessimism about the future. Only 9% of
the therapists felt that infidelity had improved the marriage or produced growth,
particularly in couples who experienced only one affair. The local study
2002] by Hong Kong Family Welfare Society had interviewed
50 respondents (including betrayers and victims) and found only 31 of them were
still living with their spouses with little confidence on stopping affairs in the future.

Although some therapists argues that affairs actually restore the


equilibrium of the dysfunctional marriages and bring positive changes to both
partners, the discovery or disclosure of infideUty is often distressing to all the
partners, bringing crisis in the family and presenting problems for counseling. It is
a serious intimate relationship problem and an expression of ambivalence about the
commitment to the marriage that requires a flexible use of individual and conjoint
therapy.

Traditional couple therapy techniques are considered insufficient to

address the specific emotional problems generated from it. The victim may suffer
from the pre-discovery stage (shock, anger, denial, depression, jealousy, grief) and
post-discovery stage (loss of trust, confidence, loyalty and belonging to the marriage,
feeling of rejection, self-doubt, rage and uncertainty), whereas the betrayer also

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suffer from anxiety, guilt, shame, self-loathing, impatience, pseudo-relief or


mourning the ended relationship, if it is chosen to be terminated.

Many of the working approaches for treating infidelity have stressed


on forgiveness and commitment, which aim at helping couples get through the
psychological impact, drawing on new meanings to the marriage and moving on to
more constructive remedies instead of focusing on the damages.

Some modern

therapists, like Peggy Vaughan, who offered therapeutic suggestions on getting


through affairs both physically and emotionally through web-sites in United States,
and Atwood, J.D. & Schwartz, L. (2002), who suggested some innovative treatment
directions on handling cyber-affairs that could supplement traditional couple
therapeutic skills.

Don-David Lusterman (1998) in his book "Infidelity- A survival guide"


had identified his treatment approach as both empathic and psycho-educational.
He suggested practical ways that couples therapy in these cases must begin with an
acknowledgment of the trauma experienced by the discoverer. The therapist must
help both partners understand the precise nature of the trauma occasioned by the
infidelity and its predictable effects. Integrating this psycho-educational focus with
a strongly empathic attitude toward the discoverer's pain modeled for the offending
mate the empathy needed to support his or her partner; and provided a basis for
understanding how healing could occur. The therapist provided useful structure
during this emotionally chaotic time by explaining to the couple a stage or phase
model of how therapy would proceed. In the first phase of treatment, the goal was
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to restore trust; in the second, to examine the underlying marital conflicts that
contributed to the affair. These two phases of therapy typically took between five
and ten sessions.

The final phase of therapy was devoted to building couple

communication skills, increasing partner empathy and support, and resolving any
issues that remained. The outcome of the process was for the couple to have a
healthier marriage or a more constructive divorce (For more details, please see Supplementary
Notes).

Weeks, R. and colleagues (2003), in their newly published book


"Treating Infidelity" considered an integrative intersystem approach to infidelity
that addresses the individual risk factors of each partner, relationship issues that
contributed to the intimacy violation (including sexual dysfunctions) and the familyof-origin influences a useful tool for the comprehensive treatment of infidelity.
From an intersystem perspective, each partner plays a part in the betrayal. This
model suggested treatment strategies on repairing damage, refraining

the

intergenerational and individual risk factors, facilitating relationship-enhancing


effective apology and forgiveness, maximizing unifying factors, promoting intimacy
through empathic communication and motivating the couple for commitment to
both marriage and treatment process.

A timely review of the above treatment approaches to infidelity does


help me better understand the intricacies, dimensions and difficulties in treating
infidelity cases. Although not comprehensive, it reminds me a myriad of strategies
that contribute to successful treatment outcomes for these distressing couples and I
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gradually develop my conceptual framework as well as treatment inclination, where


the concept of marriage commitment is appealing to me.

In the following chapter, an illustration of how I assessed three real


marriage infidelity cases (which were battered spouse cases as selected from my
current caseload in the past three years) that involve sexual affairs would bring me
more impact and reflection.

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CHAPTER II
CASE REFLECTION

2.1

Working with Spousal Violence Cases caused by Infidelity

Novels and frequent newspaper's reports on love tragedies, including


homicide and suicide, constantly remind us that romantic triangles arouse intensive
volatile emotions; and violence is a real possibility. Rage at being betrayed is often
expected for the victim but the manipulative betrayers can also bring physical
harms to others as a mean to gain control of the situation. On some occasions, it is
not the victim who becomes violent but the affair partner does.

In fact, our society's attitudes about affairs can encourage violence,


which is justified as human response to acts of betrayal, especially sexual betrayal.
Yoshioka and his colleagues (2001) had examined the attitudes of wife abusers
among a sample of 507 Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese and Cambodian adults living
in the United States. 24% to 36% of them agreed that violence was justified in
certain situations such as a wife's sexual infidelity. I believe the percentage will
likely to be reported higher in Chinese communities because of the withholding
traditional values of marital loyalty and the old slang of "fox-spirit" (affair partner)
as intruders who are always blamed for "destroying" people's marriages with evil
intentions. There is often much public judging, jesting and speculating about who is
to blame for an affair and what the punishment should be; and spousal violence
varied in severity is not difficult to expect.
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In Hong Kong, there are no concrete figures on how spousal violence is


related to infidelity. Both the Social Welfare Department's records and the citywide Client Information System (CIS) on casework services of Hong Kong Council of
Social Service (HKCSS) have put EMA under the general categories of marital
relationship/ family problem or domestic violence. According to the Women and
Men in Hong Kong Key Statistics (Census and Statistics Department, 2001), the
number of divorces has increased rapidly from 4,257 cases in 1986 to 13,048 in 2000.
In 2001, the proportion of divorced/separated persons in relative terms has also
increased from 1.6% and 2.2% in 1996 to 2.1% and 3.3% in 2001 for males and
females respectively. The total number of separated/divorced and widowed persons
has also expanded from 97,262 and 300,203 in 1996 to 152,349 and 333,622 in 2001
respectively.

Having provided family counseling and protective services for over

eight years, I am expecting that EMA, as one of the core components of serious
marital conflicts, has led to dissolution of marriages in a large number of these
divorced cases.

According to the 2001 Crime Statistics of the Hong Kong Police, the
number of family disputes cases as reported is around 500 cases per year from 1995
to 2000. The number of homicides committed in relation to the various types of
domestic disputes has doubled from 7 in 1995 to 14 in 1999, reached 28 in 2001 and
increased even more with innocent children in the recent two years. As an informal
sharing, most of these cases are reported to have serious marital disputes like
indulgence into extra-marital affairs, spouse battering, heavy gambling that led to
-23-

financial difficulties and big debts. Meanwhile, the total number of spouse battering
cases as reported by Social Welfare Department was 1,172 in 1998/1999. It quickly
increased to 1,679, 2,321 and 2,433 in the following three years; and was expected
to be doubled in 2003 and 2004. These family tragedies are still sadly continuing
and reported day by day. Being a social worker, I am obliged to handle the growing
family violence with the emotional spouses suffering from infidelity issues and their
innocent children with ultimate care all the time.

Among the hundreds of cases that I have served in the past several
years, I have picked up three of them with different types of infidelity for present
illustration. They were selected for discussion during the practice seminar of this
study because of my failure to offer help and its clinical impacts that brought to me
even after a long time.

To remark, some of the personal particulars and case

information have been purposefully amended for protection of clients.

2.1.1

YIP's Case

Mrs. YIP, aged 41, a full-time housewife and married for 8 years with
two young children, first-time approached social worker for advice on divorce,
claiming that she was battered by her husband at the lift lobby near home at night
and it was already the fourth time in the month. Further investigations revealed
that Mrs. YIP had been seriously emotionally disturbed by her husband's suspicious
affairs in Shenzhen in the recent half year. The marital relationship was described
to be cool since the birth of the younger child and further distant in recent years.
-24-

The husband, Mr YIP, aged 52, a cook in Chinese restaurant, was fond of nocturnal
pleasure-seeking activities.

He frequently visited Shenzhen with his colleagues

after work and then returned home in the early next morning. He had reduced
household money and also stopped having sex with Mrs. YIP.

Despite Mrs. YIP's strong accusations, Mr YIP denied to have any


affairs at all.

On the contrary, he complained about her profound defective

communication, poor budgeting, house-keeping, childcare and social skills that


made the home a real mess. Glass, S. & Wright, T. (1977) had reported that men
who had experienced EMA were dissatisfied early in the marriage and remained so
throughout the duration. Did Mr YIP experience early dissatisfaction or was his
complaint legitimate?

The couple was acquainted in the Night Club, where Mrs. YIP worked
there since early adulthood. At that time, Mrs. YIP was deserted again by her third
cohabitant, who took away her second baby (like her first cohabitant did) and then
disappeared.

Mrs. YIP had no close friend or relative's support.

She was fully

relying on men's support for living and had no other means to live independently.
She formally registered marriage with Mr YIP after pregnant and became full-time
housewife afterwards. The early years of her marriage were reported to be peaceful
but Mr YIP said he lost passion on Mrs. YIP soon because of incompatible character
and communication deficiency.

-25-

Regarding the recent battering incident, Mr YIP explained that he


simply went to Disco in Shenzhen with friends for relaxation after work. He urged
for Mrs. YIP's understanding on his need to relieve high work stress out of home
and requested her to look after the children. He excused that he could not endure
Mrs. YIP's repeated behavioral problems and frequent child-neglect after drunk, he
slapped her face to alarm her.

Coupled with her long-term personality problems, Mrs. YIP exhibited


her marriage dissatisfactions into various destructive behaviours including making
false rape-report to police, went missing for some days, heavy drinking, shop-lifting,
psychologically abusing the children and neglecting their needs, philandering for
replacement partner, taking soft-drugs and gambling. During times of Mrs. YIP's
unstable conditions, Mr YIP entrusted the children under the care of his female
friends in Shenzhen and the children were emotionally attached to the caring
aunties. Mrs. YIP was over-whelmed by her husband's infidelity issue that she
could not spare extra-energy to take care of herself as well as the children.

The first question was: Should I assume Mr YIP "innocent" and help
him communicate well with Mrs. YIP? However, I did not believe in Mr YIP and it
was after developing trust with me that he admitted to have sexual relationship
with some girls in Shenzhen. The sexual affairs gradually turned into emotional
affairs when Mr YIP was touched by the continuous child care support and tender
concern from the girlfriend that he thought his hysteric wife could never fulfill him.
To maintain the family integrity, Mr YIP did not admit the affairs to Mrs. YIP but
-26-

somehow he knew it was not coverable. He was certainly dissatisfied by his marital
relationship but avoidant to solve problems with Mrs. YIP by running to other
resources.

He was committed to the family as a caring father and his primary

motivation for affairs, as Charny (1992) stated before, was to escape from the
difficulties of the marriage rather than confronting the spouse. Mr YIP considered
his affairs harmless to the family as long as he maintained the marriage, served the
breadwinner's role and provided if Mrs. YIP could behave herself as a mother's role.
His infidelity was justified by the non-cooperative attitudes and in-capabilities of
Mrs. YIP in keeping a good home. He requested my acceptance and understanding
on his limitations instead of confrontation to his unfaithfulness.

To help Mrs. YIP settle her anxiety, I suggested the couple go together
that Mr YIP would show Mrs. YIP his favorite Disco as well as his girlfriend's home
in Shenzhen. Mrs. YIP was not satisfied and even more conscious about Mr YIP's
affairs and she kept asking me to judge his wrongdoings. She failed to retain Mr
YIP home and continued to ruin her life as well as the children's. She became
highly manipulative and over-dependent on social worker's provisions of emotional
support, child caring, financial, housing and everyday living assistances.

Gradually, I lost patience in counseling her and stopped her grumbling


on husband's betrayal. I could not handle her intensive emotional reactions and
thus often shifted the conversation content to child welfare planning, not realizing
that I had colluded with Mr YIP to settle her emotional adjustment problems while
giving meanings to his out-going affairs by counting Mrs. YIP's faults.
-27-

I might

object Mr YIFs doing, yet, I did not condemn him as long as he concerned the
children more than Mrs. YIP did. To a certain extent, I showed empathy to this
man, who had an inadequate wife that unable to fulfill even his basic emotional and
physical needs.

No matter how hard and comprehensive that I tried to assist Mrs. YIP,
she kept blaming me of permitting Mr YIP's affairs and doing nothing to stop him.
I excused it by putting the children's welfare on the first priority (as the paramount
concern of our work was child protection), hoping to maintain a stable family
condition without violence.

In fact, I never took a closer look at the couple's inner

needs, communication problems, root of marital conflict and their strengths. I also
avoided judging Mr YIP with my personal value as much as possible, keeping the
infidelity issue distant from me. My work agenda was indeed pulling Mrs. YIP back
to her mother's role only and pushing away all her distressful feelings of being
betrayed and deserted.

Once again, the victim of EMA became the victim of

counseling.

What did Mr YIP's infidelity mean to me? Did I side with Mr YIP because
of his "Justified" reason to engage into EMA? What was it that causing me so frighten
and avoidant in facing Mrs. YIFs intensive emotions after discovery of infidelity?

-28-

2.1.2

CHAN's

Case

Mrs. CHAN, aged 34, a housewife with two toddlers, was married to
the Hong Kong Citizen, Mr CHAN, aged 34, a lorry driver in China upon
introduction by friends.

Mrs. CHAN and the children used to live in Shenzhen

while Mr CHAN visited them once a week. Six months ago, Mrs. CHAN and the
children were granted single-entry permit to Hong Kong. The marital relationship
deteriorated quickly when Mr CHAN spent more and more leisure time outside
home while Mrs. CHAN demanded more and more attention from him. The crisis
came in a few months later as Mrs. CHAN discovered a condom at Mr CHAN'S
hand-bag. She reacted to his infidelity vigorously and requested him to confess,
otherwise, she would commit suicide with the children. Mr CHAN denied of having
EMA but he was also evasive to face Mrs. CHAN by staying outside overnight some
days a week and taking lodging at his parents' abode.

Mrs. CHAN, having adjustment problems to new environment too, had


become emotional and violent day by day. She adopted dangerous weapons to harm
Mr CHAN after sex, attempted "pseudo-suicide" by drinking little amount of
detergents, and locked Mr CHAN up, followed him to work place and impulsively
abandoned the children home occasionally. For some time, she tried to please him
by all means, begging him not to leave; the other time, she pretended to be calm,
asking for divorce and talking about family tragedy in flat tone. She also shifted
focus of argument with Mr CHAN from EMA to his inadequate financial support to

-29-

the family and insufficient concern to children.

Not surprised to tell, her main

concern and emotional disturbances was still oriented from his infidelity.

Mrs. CHANs manipulative strategy did successfully retain Mr CHAN


home, but only for a short period, after every serious incident.

However, the

equilibrium was easily stirred up as Mr CHAN soon felt restrictive at home and
irritated by her hysteric reactions that resulted in frequent marital disputes and
spouse battering. Mr CHAN asked for separation if Mrs. CHAN kept on disturbing
his living. He requested her to endure his outside heterosexual activities, if she still
wanted to maintain the marriage. He once proposed divorce and postponed it when
Mrs. CHAN became submissive to him. Then he could get rid of marital conflict
and the vicious cycle repeated.

To my mind, Mrs. CHAN was an intimacy chaser whereas Mr CHAN


was a runner. He fled once Mrs. CHAN showed expectations on him. When Mrs.
CHAN retreated, he returned. Brown (2001) described the Intimacy Avoidance as
one of the five typical types of affairs. The betrayer was characterized by failing to
be emotionally close to spouse and the affair partner functioned to hinder intimacy
by acting as an emotional buffer, thus freeing the betrayer from facing the marital
problem directly. This kind of affair was most likely to occur after several years of
marriage, when the potential for developing real intimacy looms fearfully close.
What was the underlying factor that hindered Mr CHAN from developing intimate
relationship with Mrs. CHAN? What was he looking for in the marriage?

-30-

I tried to look for the answer through individual counseling sessions.


Mr CHAN frankly told that he was unable to live with a stable marriage partner.
He used to maintain an emotional distance with Mrs. CHAN before her arrival at
Hong Kong while enjoying casual relationships with girlfriends elsewhere. He could
not bear the increasing intimacy level and the family responsibility upon reunion of
his wife and children. He said he loved independence and free living style that he
was intolerant of any interpersonal restrictions or expectations placed on him. If it
was unavoidable, he would escape. Bearing no personal responsibility, he always
left the decision of divorce to Mrs. CHAN and showed no intention to change the
present status quo.

This time, my empathy to the victim drove me crazy on confronting Mr


CHANs lacking of guilty feeling in his unfaithful behaviors. I failed to make good
use of the valuable individual sessions to help Mr CHAN rethink his inner
emotional needs as well as the implications of the affairs to his marriage. I did not
reframe his infidelity to an exploration of personal struggles, nor did I lead Mr
CHAN to see the future of his decision. Instead, I was morally bounded to the
marriage commitment that I kept on pushing Mr CHAN to comply with what he
had promised in Mrs. CHAN. I, subjectively, interpreted his frequent affairs as his
usual way of fleeing from taking personal responsibility and continuing exploitation
on his family members, including wife and parents.

As revealed, Mr CHAN was a habitual gambler that he owed huge


debts to creditors. His parents had sold several flats for settling his debts in the
-31 -

past years, yet, Mr CHAN did not amend his gambling problems. I was further
surprised to find that Mr CHAN'S father and elder brother were both involved into
EMA. It seemed that infidelity was an intergenerational legacy in this family and
the individuals had learnt to be unfaithful, despite their efforts to hide the infidelity.
Therefore, his family considered Mr CHAN's willful behaviors acceptable. Seeing
him as a spoiled self-centered child, I often blamed Mr CHAN without noticing his
thrive for independence, as the same way as Mrs. CHAN did.

Once again, Mr

CHAN felt no obligation to fulfill my expectations and walked away. Did I bring
him any insight or hope to his marriage? The answer was negative. Mr CHAN
gained nothing from our encounter.

After considering the high risk of concurrent spousal violence due to


the unresolved infidelity issue and its harm on the children, I suggested the couple
temporary separation until they could figure out their marital problems peacefully.
The couple agreed. Thereafter, Mr CHAN and the children lived with his parents
while Mrs. CHAN remained alone at the matrimonial home. Mrs. CHANs pain and
rage of being betrayed were never lessened by separation and she became highly
depressed soon.

She was referred to receiving clinical psychological treatment.

Meanwhile, Mr CHAN paid occasional visits to her upon her strong request. Did
the separation help improve their relationship? The answer was negative.

A small oversea study by Rosenbaum, M. and Bennett, B. (1986) found


that homicidal depressed patients were more likely to be suicidal than are nonhomicidal depressed patients.

The event precipitating the depression was more


-32-

likely to be sexual infidelity, either real or fantasized, which was more a narcissistic
injury than an object loss. Another study by Rasche (Brown, E.M., 2001, p.299)
noted that about 49% of spouse homicides, including those of a mate were reactive,
unplanned

assaults and added to concerns about jealousy, infidelity

and

termination of relationships. From the perspective of family protection, my decision


on splitting the CHAN's couple might served the purpose. Nevertheless, I could not
help thinking that separation was likely to exaggerate Mrs. CHAN's painfullness by
experiencing abandonment by Mr CHAN again. Besides, Mr CHAN still accepted
no responsibility to work towards restoring the marriage.

I was stuck in this case due to my incapability of addressing Mr


CHANs inner desires while not helping him to evaluate his obstacles in developing
long-term intimate relationships through his past love experiences and family-oforigin. I was so fearful of family tragedy that I quickly moved on the agenda of
separation, without recognizing Mrs. CHANs great adjustment problems to new
living environment and her psychological need for social support from other family
members.

Most of all, J was not doing marital counseling to this couple but kept
punishing Mr CHAN because of his non-commitment to the marriage as well as to the
counseling process.

Here I knew that there were some personal struggles that

needed to be resolved first.

-33-

2.1.3

WONG's Case

Mrs. WONG, aged 27, was brought up in a broken family. Her mother
deserted the family since her early childhood, leaving her and her sister to father.
Her father later remarried in China and gave birth to two more children. Owing to
inadequate parental supervision and strong feeling to be neglected in the family,
she exhibited serious behavioral problems since teenage and started cohabitation
with Mr WONG, aged 32, a garage worker, when she was only 15-year-old. She had
undergone several abortions before finally giving birth to a 7-year-old daughter.
Then the couple formally registered their marriage and lived together with Mr
WONG's parents.

The marital relationship deteriorated after honeymoon, which was


likely caused by personality clash, financial problems, impulsive arguments and
spouse battering incidents, in-law relationship conflicts and mutual dissatisfaction
to each other's heterosexual relationships outside home. The crisis came when Mrs.
WONG found that Mr WONG had sexual contacts with her best friend, although
both of them denied of it. To take revenge, Mrs. WONG engaged into more and
more pleasure-seeking nocturnal activities, took soft-drugs and acquainted with
numerous boyfriends. The couple had heat disputes thereafter and resulted into
frequent mutual combat.

The daughter loved her parents very much and over-

maturely played the mediator, buffer and protective roles for them at home.

-34-

The couple's case was referred to me by police after a battering


incident. They were ambivalent to apply for divorce at that time but Mr WONG
indicated no interest for marital counseling. They understood their dissatisfaction
in the marriage and explicitly agreed to each other's affairs as a way of solution to
their problems. Interestingly, Mrs. WONG was a romantic while Mr WONG was a
philanderer.

Romantics wanted philanderers to fulfill all of their expectations

about romance but the philanderers would escape anything that looked controlling
to them.

At last, the couple separated and Mr WONG continued his affairs.

Meanwhile, Mrs. WONG started anew by joining a drug abstinence programme and
resumed secondary schooling in the evening classes. Although she still expressed
love towards Mr WONG, she gradually learned to live independently, develop her
own interest, focus on nurturing her daughter and let the past go.

In this case, I was more interested in Mrs. WONG's retaliatory affair


than Mr WONG's exit affiar. Charny, I.W. (1992) described retaliatory affair as not
intending to end the marriage but likely to re-establish an equity for the spouse's
betrayal. Pittman, F. (1989) stated that both the partners implicitly colluded in
order to create distance and avoided tackling the marital problems together. Mrs.
WONG had gradually become emotionally attached to her affair partners and
improved in various aspects of social functioning after the initial impulsive period of
taking revenge to Mr WONG, indicating that she must gain something that was
missing in her life before through engagement into affairs.

-35-

Spring, J.A. (1996) noted that women tended to experience more guilt
over infidelity than men did. In general, women's infidelity accepted more social
disapproval than the male counterparts, and I used to think so. However, I was
surprised to see that Mrs. WONG's affair was not only serving the purpose of
striking back against the betrayer, Mr WONG, but also reliving her from the
unfulfilling marriages and providing her a valuable chance for personal growth.

Is infidelity neutral to marriage, or is it only a personal choice of living?

2.2

Personal Struggles on Treating Infidelity

The treatment of infidelity challenges both the clinical skills and the
personal values of the therapist, and I am no exception. The previous examination
of my work experiences had alerted me of several important issues that accounted
for my personal constraints and incapability to address to these clients' emotional
needs. I believed these issues were worth-noting but there were still no absolute
answers or concrete solutions to it, however, acknowledging it properly was
certainly the first essential step.

>

Infidelity - sustain the family functioning & enhance personal growth

In YIP's case, my unspoken empathy went to the betrayer because of


the unfulfilling marriage and the inadequate spouse in maintaining a
functional family. The affair partners served as an emotional buffer to
-36-

him while providing good child care assistances during crisis. Having
lost hope in training up Mrs. YIP's independence, I colluded with Mr
YIP in calming down her and trying to sustain the family functioning
by co-existence of the affairs. Was infidelity beneficial to this family? I
must admit that it was partially true. Yet, rarely did social workers
view affairs as people's healthy expressions, nor should we support a
clandestine affair for the sake of family. Was I far beyond the social
standard?

The other case, Mrs. WONG had finally rebuilt her self-esteem and
value through engagement into affairs, despite her initial intention to
take revenge on Mr WONG. I was not sure whether their marriage
was retrievable or not if their affairs had been stopped. I felt so weak
to impose personal views on their decisions that I just relied on their
self-determination.

The outcomes of infidelity could be varied in

different marriages. But my shattering values confused me a lot.

>

Blaming the victim and the betrayer

It was not clear until being confronted by Mrs. YIP that I realized that
I had put the blame of marital problems to her personal faults.

In

CHANs case, I was eager to ask, confront and push him to comply
with the marriage commitment while neglecting his thrives for
personal fulfillments. What I valued in it was surely not Mr CHANs
-37-

cup of tea. Without probing into further details, I was just releasing
my anger towards his impaired personalities but not understanding
his personal constraints. My rejecting attitudes had forbidden me from
further emotional connection with clients and my insistence on the
issue of commitment to marital relationships seemed powerless in the
counseling process.

Avoiding intensive emotions as well as spousal violence

In both YIP and CHAN's cases, I did feel very uncomfortable to handle
the intensive emotions of the victims, which were abruptly expressed
without trace. Weeks & et.al (2003) described that some therapists
were afraid to talk about the affairs directly or spend too much time on
it. They might fear to step in because of counter-transference issues,
lack of skills in handling such matters, discomfort with the anticipated
emotional intensity or fear of precipitating a premature ending of the
relationship. I thus colluded with the couple, proceeding on the basis
that "the past is the past" and convincing myself that stabilizing their
emotions, improving the marriage conditions and protecting the
welfare of the children were the tasks at hand. In fact, the reason that
I was not confident to handle their emotion intensities might probably
due to not familiar enough with the victims and betrayers' emotional
reactions in different stages.

-38-

Separation as the only safety measure

While not certain about divorce or not, some couples might desire a
separation because living together was too painful. It was common in
many cases that one or both of them asked for my validation to their
decisions of splitting.

Research literature attested to the fact that

infidelity was a leading cause of spousal abuse and homicide (Daly &
Wilson, 1988). Fearing to take risk, I had rushed to conclusion of
separation quickly in the CHAN'S case while having no intention to
drawing them back in the WONG's case. I tried to convince myself
that they were determined to do it after thoughtful consideration, yet,
somehow, I knew I had missed something workable in the negotiation
process which was surely more than the protective function but a
meaningful chance for mutual communication between the couple.

Apart from the above-mentioned areas, I also noticed several more


personal weaknesses that hindered my work with clients.

They included an

inadequate understanding of gender differences in reacting to infidelity, ambivalent


attitudes towards infideUty and its reciprocal functions on each partner, Uttle
knowledge and acceptance to sex addicts, insensitivity of the influence from family
of-origin onto the betrayer and poor cUnical skQls in rendering couple therapy.

-39-

It was true that I might acquire some effective skills through literature
studies and supervised practices. But I could never master them if I had not gone
through the therapeutic dilemmas or inner struggles over them.

In Chapter III, a concluding section, I would try to figure out more


about the significant therapist's dilemmas: countertransference, morals, values,
ethical concern and the issue of commitment.

-40-

CHAPTER III
THEAPAUTIC DILEMMAS

3.1

Counter Transference

In general, the term counter-transference refers to the positive or


negative feelings that a therapist develops toward the client throughout the course
of therapy.

It involves the therapist's affective and cognitive reactions to the

material presented by the client or the couple. These responses may be conscious or
beyond the awareness of the therapist. Unconscious counter-transference feelings
(such as inner desires, fears, inclinations or strong resistance to infidelity) and
responses are usually potentially destructive to the therapeutic process because the
individual partners or the interactions of the couple re-stimulate the unresolved
conflicts of the therapist.

Accordingly, the resulting interventions may be more

related to the therapist' sensitivities than to the problems presented by the couple
(Weeks & et.al, 2003).

Silverstein, J.(1998) first described the primary counter-transference


reactions as over-identifying with either the unfaithful partner, blaming one
partner or defending the other partner. She also described two general categories of
responses - objective and subjective.

The former referred to a more common or

universal set of counter-transference reactions among therapists while the latter


was uniquely related to the idiosyncratic conflicts of the particular person. I agreed
with her that many of these responses were oriented from the therapist's personal
-41 -

fantasies about having affair (like WONG's case), sex temptation, dalliance or other
unresolved inner conflicts such as unfinished business since childhood, which
produced inappropriate counter-transference

reactions during the counseling

process. In couple work with infidelity, there was the potential danger that we
undermined one partner and over-identified with the other. Our polarized way of
viewing the situation could indeed create more emotional distance for couples or
pathologically victimized one to another, just as the way I did in YIP's and CHAN'S
cases.

In an edited text on counter-transference in couple therapy, Solomon,


M. & Siegel, J. (1997) acknowledged that counter-transference feelings, such as
identification with clients, were in fact inevitable and helpful to the therapeutic
process by connecting with them better, provided that these feelings were within
the conscious awareness of the therapist. On the other hand, Brown, E. M. (1991,
2001), pointed out some common therapeutic errors in judgment that could result
from a therapist's unrecognized feelings or conflicts regarding affairs.

These

included the tendency to:

Collude with one partner in secrecy and avoidance.


>

Attempt to keep a failing marriage together despite the partners' wish


to end it.

>

Be intolerant or judgmental of the partner having the affair.

>

Fear and avoid the intense feelings unleashed by discussing an affair.

-42-

What Brown mentioned above did exert timely warnings on myself and
help review my unconscious feelings towards the betrayers and victims. In addition,
Moultrup, D. (1990) called for the therapist's need to remain neutral and unbiased
when dealing with the complicated layers of treating affairs.

In some cases, the

therapists, who might or might not had been personally affected in affairs, adopted
a strong moralistic or religiously based stance against the betrayers and the affair
partners. They projected a punitive judgmental therapeutic attitude to them and
suggested leaving the marriage as moral restitution for the damage caused to the
faithful partner. Some others, who were tempted to have affair as a way to escape a
difficult marital situation but resist such an urge, tended to "harden" their attitudes
against the enticement, might have little patience or understanding to clients'
weakness in resisting it.

As the therapist's attitudes and personal experiences played a key role


in the management of infidelity, he/she must make every effort to understand their
counter-transference feelings and personal positions towards infidelity before he/she
could distinguish his hard feelings from clients'.

I believed that it would be a

prerequisite to avoid hiding the therapist behind general techniques or formulas,


and to learn how to approach these vulnerable clients from a more human
perspective.

-43-

3.2

Ethics. Moral and Value

Most of the professional literatures did not prescribe a proper attitude


that therapists (or social workers) should have, nor should it.

However, our

personal history and socialization shape our attitudes. As we are living in the same
world as our clients do, many of the strong social forces that influence them also
affect us, and we must also deal with infidelity issues related to our own
relationships from time to time.

Our culture, society norms and religious background always emphasize


honesty and fidelity rather than adultery. Some therapists become conservative,
viewing affairs

as an expression of individual psychopathology or marital

dysfunction that required to be fixed; while others have a more permissive stance
with greater understanding and empathy to clients because of their specific
encounters with infidelity beforehand.

It is inevitable that our attitudes become

strong representatives of our moral, ethical and religious value systems, which in
fact contribute to our intervention approach to infidelity cases all the time.

In trying to reconcile occasional breaches of our own value systems


during work, we may react along a continuum from liberal to moralistic, depending
on how deep the infidelity impact has exerted on us. Yet, being a social worker with
an unspoken expectation on upholding social justice, I was especially confused by
how neutral should I behave during the counsehng process: and how my ethical
concern, morals and value systems influenced my emotional connection with clients.
-44-

Melito, R. (2003) discussed that there was certainly an inherent ethical


or moral dimension in all forms of therapy, because therapy necessarily involved
influencing others in accord with a set of values and concern questions of how we
should live. In cultures that value self-determination, a potential conflict will arise
between the therapist's inherent moral influences and respecting client's decision.
In the past, the therapist's value position seemed not necessarily be explicit or was
assumed to be neutral. But the situation had changed as there were more and more
social urge on addressing issues of justice and individual responsibility of each
member in the family, especially for cases related to family violence and infidelity.
Melito argued that even if the moral stance was not articulated explicitly, therapist
would still adopt certain therapeutic approach for its implicit morally matched
position. In fact, promoting therapeutic neutrality itself also reflects a particular
value -

safeguarding client's autonomy and self-determination.

From this

perspective, the therapist cannot be neutral.

Tomm, K. (1988) suggested that therapist should be accepting, nonjudgmental and respectful of the family's autonomy rather than telling them how
they ought to behave. He used circular and reflexive questions to trigger clients to
reflect on their belief systems, entertain new views and facilitate them in mobilizing
their own resources. He assumed that this neutral stance by the therapist could
liberate the family's "natural healing capacity".

-45-

In treating couple infidelity cases, I always experienced the difficulties


of meeting the equilibrium between the two extremes - from acting like a moralistic
blamer to a bystander to family injustice; while hoping to respect client's moral
autonomy as much as I could. There was no debate on whether I should influence
the clients by my personal values or not. I must and I could not avoid doing so. The
question was how it could be more appealing to the clients and helpful to the
treatment process.

Doherty (1995) answered my questions by proposing that therapists


should "promote moral responsibility" by acting as a "moral consultant" to clients.
While acknowledging our moral implications on counseling, we should help clients
to reflect on the moral dimensions of their lives but neither dictates moral rules nor
claims to know all the answers before them.

Doherty suggested eight types of

responses the therapist might engage in to promote moral behaviors in clients.


These responses ranged from less to more direct, going from validation of the
client's spontaneous moral concerns to elicitation by questions of the client's
thoughts about the consequences of their actions on others, to more active attempts
at persuasion and exhortation to do the right thing. Finally, Doherty advised that
the therapist "clearly state when you cannot support a client's decision or behaviour
and explaining your decision on moral grounds."

It was both by a respectful,

collaborative approach and by an explicit sharing of his/ her moral position that the
therapist could safeguard the moral agency of the client, while encouraging their
ethical behaviours.

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Therapist's values and definitions of fairness inevitably become part of


the treatment process. I am sure that we need not to morally blame our clients, nor
we should induce guilty feelings on them. "Guilt is retrospective but responsibility
is prospective and has a lot to do with acting (Finagrette, 1963)". As a social worker,
I do hope to act as a life coach, similar to consultant or guide, which can create a
safety environment that allow clients to assume personal responsibility voluntarily.

3.3

Commitment

Commitment is a core issue in the treatment of infidelity and I am


always looking for its presence in my clients. There are two interrelated aspects of
commitment, namely responsibility to the intimate relationship and engagement in
the treatment process (Weeks & et.al, 2003). Making the issue of commitment
explicit from the beginning of treatment can reduce dropout rate and give each
partner some idea about their level of responsibility to therapy and to their
relationship.

However, a great deal of emotional reactivity may be required to

maintain commitment, and the erratic emotional responses of clients become the
greatest challenge of therapist throughout the treatment process.

During the course of counseling, I often sensed my inner urge to pull


clients back towards their initial commitments to the marriage as well as the family.
Obviously, these commitments were interpreted differently by me and the clients,
and my insistence helped little to the treatment. One of the betrayers, Mr CHAN
said that he had no passion or love to wife and he chose to stay in this empty
-47-

marriage because of the children. The presence or absence of love in marriage is


highly a subjective feeling that no other people can judge. Our traditional values on
the nurturing functions of marriages other than love are also not always applicable.
Since I believed that commitment to the intimate relationship was an important
element for treating infidelity, should I deny Mr CHAN'S feelings by confronting his
immaturity and inconsideration of others?

Pittman, F.S.(1995) described marriage as abundant in a complexity of


emotions: love, hate, anger, joy, dependency, admiration, fear, guilt, pity, disgust
and all other emotions, known and unknown. A commitment to it must survive
independently of the emotions of the moment. Apart from drawing attention to the
marriage commitment, probably what I missed in my work with Mr CHAN was the
essential techniques to help him re-examine his present feelings, family values and
personal choice rationally; and also explain to him that marital satisfaction involved
some sort of balance between closeness and distance that mere feeling of love was
too simplistic a factor.

Then, how could we make better use of commitment to treat infidelity?


Many marital therapy literatures concerned about helping couples improve their
commitment to each other with an assumption that bettering the quakty of the
relationship will somehow improve the level of commitment.

Kelly, H. (1983)

identified four major principles that could be used as therapeutic strategies for
improving commitment to the relationship. The first principle was increasing the
reward-cost ratio in the relationship, such as asking the couple to recall the
-48-

satisfying

time together and identify what was currently enjoyable

about

themselves and what they would like to add in the future to make the relationship
better. The second principle was future-oriented.

Did the partners believe that

they could meet each other's needs in the future? The third principle was the degree
of irretrievable investments made in the relationship and the fear of losing it would
determine whether couples stay. A more subtle investment was the sense of couple
identity - such as comfort in their respective social roles, expectations and shared
history. The last principle comprised a consideration of the attractiveness of the
alternatives. The therapist explored what would happen if the couple ended their
relationship and infused some reality-based considerations into client's idealized
fantasies.

To my mind, clients' commitment should never be underestimated or


undervalued in the therapeutic process, despite how unrealistic or unreliable it is
present to be in the surface. In most infidelity cases, clients are often uncertain if
the damage to the relationship can be repaired or if trust can be re-established.
They are the same way ambivalent about whether they will stay in the marriages
as well as the counseling room. Most of all, only if the couples commit sufficiently to
their relationships that they can benefit from the treatment.

The last but not the least, most distressed couples walking into the
counseling room often forgot what they had pledged on their wedding day. Being
much inspired by what Jung, M. (2000) wrote about marriage commitment, I deeply
wished to share it with the readers:
-49-

"There is surely no guarantee or assurance that any marriage will evolve into a
mutually enhancing and satisfying relationship

But when individuals marry,

they each move from an "I" to a "We" position in relating to the world.

Each

"surrenders" oneself to being vulnerable to and influenced by the partner


Remaining faithful to that promise is an affirmation of love and a sign of integrity,
devotion to the partner and honoring of the COMMITMENT to the marriage
The significance of a commitment is not based primarily upon a legal agreement that
binds us together under the law. Instead, its importance is based upon the giving of
surrendering oneself to the influence of the partner

COMMITMENT is the belief

that each partner's loyalty and allegiance to the other will demonstrate protection,
fidelity, dedication, support and mutual-dependency, particularly under adverse
conditions

3.4

(Jung, M., 2000)."

Conclusion

Treating infidelity is a complicated and arduous process t h a t not only


challenges the individual ethical/ moral assumptions, b u t also personal conflicts and
emotional reactions of even experienced therapists. We may not be surprised by the
societal prevalence of infidelity around us and its serious consequences t h a t brought
to the communities. B u t we may feel so uncomfortable to deal with it directly t h a t
triggers our counter-transference feelings. And I a m certainly not the only one who
feels the fire on it.

Actually, many t h e r a p i s t s feel emotionally and intellectually stressful


w h e n t r e a t i n g infidelity cases because of its high emotional intensity, the seemingly
fragile relationships between the couple, and the higher risk of marital dissolution
-50-

than other relational problem cases (a factor that weighs on treatment effectiveness
to many therapists). We experience endless challenges to our knowledge base and
value system.

We also encounter difficult, perplexing issues such as therapist's

counter-transference, troubling tactical issues (when the clients deny or attempt to


minimize the harm of infidelity on the marriage) and some more moral conflicts and
ethical concerns. Still, it is not unusual to find several mythological myths about it
persist in the popular and even among the professionals like social workers
(Pittman, F.S. & Wagers, T., 1995).

As a result, I was compelled to make use this valuable learning process


to build up the necessary knowledge, dig into my personal constraints, reconfirm my
value/moral/ethical positions and most of all, to be aware of my inner feelings that
hinder my counseling work all along. It was a really fruitful experience and I hoped
the readers also share the similar reflections with me.

Nevertheless, there were many limitations in this paper because of its


non-scientific orientation and non-comprehensive organization of information about
treating infidelity cases, which could never be generalized to other similar cases. I
also omitted the essential part of treating the children under influences by their
parents' conflicts on affairs.

Anyway, this paper was just a beginning and the

journey of learning would be continued.

Infidelity is no doubt one of the most complicated problems in marriage


and it often happens out of people's expectation. There are certainly no effective
-51 -

pills to cure people who are being infected by it. Once, a notable therapist told a
man, who went to stage for his advice after listening to his speech on marriage
enrichment, that the only way to love his wife whom he did not love anymore, was
simply "To Love Her!".

Nevertheless, to my mind, the only way to get rid of

infidelity is "To marry the one you love and let him/ her be the only one of yours."
That's all.

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SUPPLEMENTARY NOTES
1.

Don-David Lusterman (1998), a private clinical practitioner in US identifies his approach as


both empathic and psycho-educational. Details of his approached quoted as below:
In the first phase of therapy, the therapist takes a very active role. Almost invariably, the
discoverer enters therapy with the profound sense that he or she is the offending mate's
victim. The therapist begins by accepting this perception, rather than labeling it as irrational
or interpreting continued mistrust of the partner as pathological jealousy. The therapist then
proceeds to engage the offending mate in helping the partner transcend the "victim" role.
This transcendence will require the partner who had the affair to show genuine empathy for
the discoverer's loss of trust; the partner must be willing to answer honestly all questions the
discoverer poses and to tolerate the expression of anger the answers often elicit. During this
emotionally charged process, the therapist challenges the offending mate's frequent
attempts to deflect the discoverer's hurt and anger and to avoid blame; concurrently, the
therapist supports this partner's genuine expressions of remorse over the lying that is
always at the heart of the trauma caused by an affair.
Once the discoverer is able to believe the partner is genuinely remorseful, the therapist can
help the couple explore the dynamics in their relationship that set the stage for the affair.
Previous to this, attempts to explore the marital conflicts are often experienced by the
discoverer as attempts by the mate and therapist to deny the discoverer's pain. Now,
however, as the rage and mistrust decrease in intensity, both partners can begin to look at
their marital history, including the normative and unusual crises that occurred during the
marriage and how these might have been mishandled over time. Particular emphasis is
placed on the importance of mutual and honest disclosure of feelings, since the inability to
talk honestly about feelings of distress increases the likelihood of infidelity. Family-of-origin
issues that may have led to impasses in emotional communication are explored; sometimes
leading one or both partners to seek individual therapy in addition to couples work. These
explorations help the couple to place the affair into a meaningful context and to view their
situation more dispassionately over time.
In the final stage of therapy, some couples decide that it is not worth the effort to work on
their marital conflicts, and in these cases, the therapist can help them negotiate a healthy
separation or divorce. For many other couples, however, surviving the crisis of infidelity
provides them with the opportunity to build a much better marriage than they had before. For
these couples, the last phase of therapy can help them enhance their communication skills,
express empathy and affection more openly, and provide each other with the kind of
nurturance and support that will see them through the inevitable problems that arise as part
of married life.

2. Peggy Vaughan, the founder of Home of Beyond Affairs Network (BAN) in US, offers webvisitors numerous insights on getting through affairs both physically and emotionally. Her
articles help people be better prepared to either prevent affairs or to recover if it happens.
3. Atwood & Schwartz (2002) suggested treatment directions on handling cyber-affairs
including: Evaluation, Crisis Intervention, Dealing with Underlying Issues, Build
Communication, Rebuilding Marital Trust, Constructing New Stories and Ritual for a Fresh
Start.

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