1

Why We
Sometimes
Walk Lifes
Trails
Alone
Jenny Stutsman
I Can Do ALL
things through
Christ which
strengtheneth
me. Philippians
4:13
Walking the Trail:
I am a junior high
teacher and
keeping kiddos of
this age motivated
and interested is
always a
challenge. We
have an awesome
principal-she
decided that a
group hike down
the side of a bluff
would be a
fantastic bonding
opportunity for
students and
teachers alike.
Although the hike

was difficult,
steep, and
lengthy, the day
was successful
and filled with fun.
Thankfully she
chose a trail near
our school that I
have hiked many,
many times- not
only as an act of
exercise, but as a
time to enjoy the
beauty of Fathers
creations and a
time to connect
with Him-I knew
the trail and
understood that it
would be
challenging for
some of our
students and
teachers.
I was recuperating
from an ankle
injury and knew
that I would be
bringing up the
rear in our group
of over one
hundred; I was not
concerned about
lagging behind

since I knew the

trail well. I had
two teachers to
keep me
company; they
had not walked
this trail and were
unsteady and
unsure about their
ability to complete
the trail without
serious injury.
Nevertheless, they
were troopers and
wanted to try. I
assured them I
knew the trail and
would help them
get through the
journey. As we
walked the trail, I
would lead and
warn them of
steep areas,
renegade roots
waiting to trip
them, and
slippery, unstable
rocks to avoid
when crossing
creek beds. At
times I would stop
on a particularly
steep slope and

wait-I would then

extend my hand
to help them
down. I kept
telling them how
well they were
doing and
encouraged them
to continue on our
trek. At certain
points, the trail
seemed to vanish
into the woods;
the well-worn path
we had been
walking on was
gone. I was able
to look ahead and
see the faded
orange trail
markers tied to
tree branches. We
would focus on
those bits of
plastic and blaze
our own trail until
our feet were
once again on the
well-worn path.
Other times I
would point out
places of interest
and beauty; we
would stop catch

our breath, renew

our energy and
move on. They
would often ask
questions about
the trail, the
scenery, or how
much further??? ;
I was always able
to answer their
questions in a way
that not only
encouraged them
to keep pressing
forward, but also
helped them to
learn and enjoy
the journey.
Several miles and
six weary legs
later, we arrived
at our meeting
point. After resting
for a bit and
enjoying the
activities planned
for the day, I
overheard one of
my trail mates
talking about her
experience. She
told her listeners
how she wasnt
sure at first if she

was going to be
able to accomplish
this featespecially when
she stepped onto
the trail in the
dark woods and
peered down the
first steep grade.
Then she began
talking about me.
How I had gotten
her from the top
of the bluff to the
bottom-that she is
pretty sure she
could not have
done it if I had not
been there as her
trail guide. She
went on about
how I had warned
her of upcoming
trail dangers,
stopped to help
her, shown her
some amazing
sites along the
way, and just
made her feel like
she actually would
be able to make it.
I later let her
know that I

thought she would

still have been
able to travel the
trail without my
help-that even
without my
expertise, she
would have been
just fine. She
thought for a
moment and
agreed hesitantly.
You are probably
right; I would have
made it, but it
would have been
pretty ugly! You
made the journey
easier, less
fearful, and made
me enjoy every
part of the trail.
She was grateful I
had walked the
trail many times
before and knew it
so well.
Questioning my
own Trail:
I have often
wrestled with
gospel questions
that stem from
the inactivity and

non-membership
of my loved ones.
I worked super
hard at being the
perfect Mormon
for many of my
thirty years of
membership in
the church (I now
know after much
self-reflection,
prayer, and study,
this is a myth!). I
fulfilled callings to
near perfection, I
served as a
temple worker, I
attended every
single activity,
and I was a
fiendish student of
scripture study as
I sought to find
answers, but
many times as
answers to some
questions were
uncovered, other
questions would
surface. Others
saw me as a rock
and a sister who
had a strong
testimony in spite

of her trials-I hid

my fears and
insecurities well!
Elder Gerald N.
Lund reminds us:
Remember that
one of Satans
strategies,
especially with
good people, is to
whisper in their
ears; If you are
not perfect, you
are failing. This is
one of his most
effective
deceptions.We
should recognize
that God is
pleased with
every effort we
make-no matter
how faltering- to
better ourselves
(Are We Expected
to Achieve
Perfections in This
Life? 207). I
evidently did not
see Satan in this
tactic because the
burnout, the
meltdown, and
the spiritual

paralysis all came

crashing down on
me- I just felt like I
was spinning my
wheels. I loved my
children and
family dearly and
wanted them to
be with me for
eternity; I could
not see past their
struggles of
mortality and was
nearly destroyed
and debilitated
with fear for them
and their eternal
outcome. One of
the struggles at
least for me, was
the thought that if
my loved ones
were not walking
the same path as
me, I wanted off
the trail-I wanted
to be where they
were or at least
where they would
spend their
eternity- I wanted
us to be together
no matter the
location. In my

immature and
limited thinking, I
would just use the
gospel knowledge
I knew and live a
good life-we would
spend our eternal
lifetime together. I
could not see how
my living the
gospel to its
fullest or by
fulfilling my
covenants
completely helped
them- I could only
see how it helped
me. During the
years and years of
my perfect
Mormon
membership,
nothing really
changed for my
loved ones. They
still made their
choices, lived
their lives, and did
not miraculously
have a change of
heart; in my mind
this sent the
message that
what I did

changed nothing
for them and only
made me more
miserable. At this
time I decided to
step back and
take a wider look
at my church
activity-in reality I
did not decide
but rather a series
of events both in
our family life and
in my church
experiences
decided for me
and knocked me
flat out on my
fanny. It is funny
how Heavenly
Father knows
exactly what we
NEED to know to
grow and
progress; how the
deepest pain,
fear, and lack of
faith is exactly
what we need to
become more like
Him. For a long
time I was just
numb, unfeeling,
and paralyzed; I

could not move

essentially. I did
not want to pray,
study, attend
church, accept
callings, have
church visitorsnothing. I
WANTED to do
these things but
just could not. I
was not even able
to draw on
promptings,
personal
revelation, or
promises I had
previously
received from my
Heavenly Father-I
was truly a hot
mess! In
retrospect, I now
understood how
past feeling the
Nephites and
Lamanites had
become and what
Moroni might have
seen in their
situation. (Moroni
9:20) I just could
not get myself to
move or care. It

took many, many

baby steps, and
lots of prayers
(from others) that
I finally was able
to put one foot in
front of the other
and get back on
the path to
happiness. The
details of this
journey and the
light and
knowledge I
began to feel was
life-giving and
freeing; it is much
too much to share
here-and will be
saved for another
time.
Lessons learned
on the Trail:
Months later, as I
was studying and
reading, a nugget
of light and
knowledge slipped
into my
awareness. I still
struggled with my
earlier question of
how my personal
gospel journey

assisted my
friends and loved
ones. I still had
not gotten an
answer that filled
my heart with
peace. As I
studied in a
beautiful book
titled The
continuous
Atonement by
Brad Wilcox, a
particular section
stopped me and
the trail
experience of a
few months earlier
began to take on
new meaning. I
began to see bits
of light that
illuminated my
understanding as
to the WHY I
must continue to
grow and
perfect (used as
an action verb
here) my journey
or calling in
mortality. I needed
to know exactly
where the trail

lead, what trees

might be in the
way, where to
slow down, where
to speed up,
where to stop and
rest, what parts
are too steep, how
to find the trail
when it seemed to
disappear and so
much more
because my loved
ones would need
someonesomeone like MEto help make their
trail to the
gospel something
they could do.
Whether it meant
that I started at
the beginning of
their journey and
followed them
from start to finish
or whether I met
them at one of the
mile markers, they
would need me to
help them. If I do
not travel the trail
over and over
until I know it

backward and
forward (as much
as possible at
least) I cannot
help them. My
journey on the
trail even when
traveled alone
still holds new
adventures,
learning
experiences,
dangers, and trip
hazards, but the
more I acquaint
myself with the
trail, the better
prepared I will be
not just for me,
but for my loved
ones. In dealing
with my issues of
perfectionism in
my journey, it
helps me to
remember the
words of Brad
Wilcox: ...the
greatest comfort I
have found is in
knowing any effort
is pleasing to God
even if He and I
both know its not

my all or my best.
It may be far from
an acceptable
offering, but God
accepts it
nonetheless
because
ultimately He is
more concerned
with the offerer
than the
offering (108).
As far as walking
my trail of
mortality alone
really, I have
never traveled the
trail alone-my
Savior has been
there with me.
Most of the time- I
believe- he was
the one carrying
me like an overly
stuffed backpack.
Often we recite
the poem
Footprints in the
Sand when
referring to our
journey through
mortality. Readers
of this poem
reflect upon either

two sets of
footprints or one. I
sometimes
wonder if really
there is only one
set of prints-His.
Through the
atonement, He
has always carried
the load and bears
our burdens. We
like to think we
are shouldering
our trials along
with Him, when in
reality He already
has walked the
trail many, many
times. For me,
there were never
two sets of

footprints in my
(trail) sand-only
one, and it was
always His. (The
Continuous
Atonement, 110)
A renewed sense
of my earthly
mission was
exposed; I must
do my best to
understand gospel
principles,
scripture,
doctrine, and
attend the temple
so that my
learning is
increased so that I
could serve those
in my care. Serve

them as Christ
does-not to flaunt
superior scriptural
knowledge or
spirituality, but to
be there and to
hold their hand
along the journeyto make it easier
and less scary
when they choose
on their own to
step into the
woods. When they
look at the steep
slope and think I
cant, I can be
there to reassure
them and to say
Yes you can!