Samkass Productions

Les Schnitzel (Les Schniz)

Cast:
JEAN VAL-BON BON JAKE SAMSON
INSPECTOR JAPEAR SAMUEL NESBITT
FANBEAN ALIZA COHEN
COURGETTE TALI SILAS
MARICOUS-COUS
EPANINI SADIE ARELANO
LINDTDORAS
THENARDICAKE JOSHUA FOREMAN
MADAME THENARDIECAKE CHARLOTTE SELWYN
EXTRAS
Crew:
CO-CREATORS: JAKE SAMSON AND SARAH KASS
HEAD DESIGNER: JEMMA JACOBS
Synopsis:
Its 1885. There is ruckus at Yavneh College caterminus are
refusing to serve the schools best and signature food: les
schnitzel. Jean val-bon bon is gathering an army of french fries
to join in the fight
that will give them the right to be free (and fat)! With the help of
Maricous-cous and Lindtdoras, the students rebel against the
evil Inspector Japear and take back what is rightfully theirs.
However, the love triangle between Epanini, Maricous-cous and
Courgette and the woefulness of Fanbean threatens to disrupt
the rebellion.

Samkass Productions

SCRIPT:
(Instrumental of The Work Song is playing with the voice over.
Angry students sit at a table looking disturbed)
Voice over:

Its 1885. There is ruckus at Yavneh College

caterminus are refusing to serve the schools
best and signature food: les schnitzel. Jean valbon bon is gathering an army of french fries to
join in the fight that will give them the right to be
free (and fat)! With the help of Maricous-cous
and Lindtdoras, the students rebel against the
evil Inspector Japear and take back what is
rightfully theirs. However, the love triangle
between Epanini, Maricous-cous and Courgette
and the woefulness of Fanbean threatens to
disrupt the rebellion.
Ensemble:
AT THE BEGININNG OF LUNCH WERE
ANOTHER POUND LIGHTER,
THERES NO FOOD IN OUR TUMMIES TO
MAKE US FEEL FULL.
THERES NO KETCHUP, THERES NO SALT,
WE HAVENT SEEN SCHNITZEL IN WEEKS,
WELL STARVE IF THIS GOES ON,
(whiney) This is so peak,
ONE LUNCH NEARER TO DIETING.
(fade away to Fanbean sitting in a lonely classroom)
Fanbean:
I DREAMED OF BEANS IN TIME GONE BY,
WHEN FOOD WAS CHEAP, AND VERY
AFFORDABLE.
I DREAMED THAT I WOULD NEVER DIE
(Fanbean dies)

Samkass Productions

Voiceover:

Courgette:

Fanbean sadly passed away before she could

even finish the first verse due to the lack of
schnitzel in her diet. However, in the A block, her
illegitimate child courgette is randomly singing
to herself.
THERE IS NO SCHNITZEL ON MY PLATE,
I WANT TO MAKE A FORMAL COMPLAINT,
ARENT ANY BREADCRUMBS FOR ME TO
SWEEP,
NOT WHILE THERES NO SCHNITZEL ON
MY PLATE.
THERE IS A LADY ALL IN RED,
WHO SERVES ME FOOD AND MAKES SURE I
AM FED,
SHES NICE TO ME, AND SHE GIVES ME
BREAD,
SHE SAYS COURGETTE, YOURE VERY
VERY VERY VERY TASTY.

Madame.
Thenardicake: NOW LOOK WHOS ERE, THE LITTLE VEGY
HER SELF.
PRETENDING ONCE AGAIN SHE IS SO
AWFULLY FULL.
BETTER NOT CATCH YOU EATING, BETTER
NOT STEAL THAT PIE.
TEN WROTTEN PENNIES THAT SCHNITZEL
COSTS ME, THINK WHAT THAT COULD BUY?
NOW TAKE THOSE CRUMBS, MY LITTLE
VEGATABLE!
AND GO AND FETCH SOME SCHNITZELS
FROM THE LUNCH HALL.
Thenardicake: MASTER OF THE MEAT,
EATER OF THE SCHNITZ,

Samkass Productions

Voiceover:

EATING THIS ALL DAY GIVES ME THE

SMELLIEST. PITS.
ROLLING OUT THE DOUGH, FRYING ALL
THE BITS,
CLOSE YOUR EYES AND YOU FEEL LIKE
YOURE EATING AT THE RITZ.
EVERYBODY LOVES THE COOKER,
I CANT EVEN SEE MY FEAT,
SO EVERYBODY RAISE A SCHNITZEL TO
THE MASTER OF THE MEAT.
On the other side