The

Roughcut Cookbook
Recipes so simple
even your spouse can make them.
The absolute best gift any woman can give a man
to benefit herself

by
Comedian Pete Christensen
Photographer: Keith Ritchie

AKW Books
Washington

An AKW Books eBook

Published by Kalar/Wade Media
Copyright 2010 by Pete Christensen
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions.
Published in the United States by AKW Books, an imprint of Kalar/Wade Media, LLC,
Washington.
Created in the United States of American
First Printing: May 2010
Photography by Keith Ritchie

DEDICATION
Ive been trying to figure out why anyone without a major brain injury or drug habit
would want a cook book dedicated to them. Still, its a small gesture on my greedy, little,
closely clenched heart, and it never hurts to kiss a little backside to grease the wheels of
promotion. Next I had to find someone whod appreciate this totally shallow, meaningless,
token action.
I considered the bartender, and close friend, whos been sliding me free Cuba Libres
for the past five years, but Ive never bothered to ask his name.
I really dont know who else is important in my life. My bookie wouldnt want to be
fingered, and the only thing my lawyer can cook, is the books for some multi-national,
offshore, money launderer.
I seriously considered dedicating this to my former agent, but I was told the term cheap
bastard isnt appropriate in a cookbook.
I thought about dedicating this to my parole officer, but if he had any idea I could cook,
Id be stuck doing kitchen duty the next time Im put in stir.
And so, out of desperation, and a complete lack of any close friends, I dedicate this
work to Noorlina Noor. The only person whos ever been able to stand me for more than
six hours, that I wasnt handcuffed to, or passed out along side of.

PREFACE
This is a cookbook created specifically for bachelors and other men whore so
simplistic they should have to apply for some type of permit before being allowed to
reproduce, (at least with another human). Youll find a lot of egg and ground beef entrees.
Remember, you can put an Armani on a monkey, but that wont make him a male model!
These are tasty dishes that can be easily made and wont send you rushing to the
bathroom, or the emergency room.
These recipes will make men look devoted to their spouse, or desirable to their
girlfriend, without making them look dreamy to the guy named Leon that hosts all those
shows on the Home Shopping Network. Men, if any of these recipes are overwhelming to
you. You probably shouldnt be anywhere near cutlery, or an open flame in the kitchen in
the first place.
If you feel this type of thing is below you, go back to scratching your privates with the
spatula while eating pork rinds and watching sports every hour till youre completely
ESPNesthetized! And rememberWill Farrell and Adam Sadler are comic geniuss, The
boss is always right, and any woman that isnt instantly attracted to you, is no doubt a
lesbian, or suffering from her monthly case of P.B.S. It should be noted; everything in this
book is fact. Or based on fact, or has some aspect of fact in it, or could be considered fact
by the ignorant, and uninformed.
Finally, this work may seem sexist, chauvinistic, or even homophobic. Well, in a few
rare instances it is, but by presenting these things in a comedic vein, I hope to expose them
for the stupid, mean spirited attitudes they truly are. If that offends you, throw this book
away after you pay for it.

PECOS SWEET CHILLI

This has a lot of ingredients, but its simple and tasty. Basically, this has just four steps:
cook the meat, chop the veggies, throw everything in a large pot, and cook it over low heat
for a full hour. (Thats usually at the end of the second quarter).
Serve hot with some crusty whole wheat bread, and a glass of milk, thats right milk,
remember chili & beer are a deadly combo! Mix beans & Bud and you might as well eat
unidentifiable road-kill.
What youll need:
1 each yellow, green, and red bell peppers for color,
1 can of kidney, red plus 1 can refried beans for texture
pound of burger
pound ground Italian sausage.
1 8 oz box of chopped mushrooms,
1 can of cola,
1 can of tomato puree,
1 cup of brown sugar,
1 chopped red onion,
2 chopped tomatoes,
1 teaspoon salt and paprika (The teaspoons the small pointy one you use to stir your
coffee with, when your fork is dirty.
Important! Dont substitute beef jerky or Slim Jims for the ground beef.
Actually follow the measurements. Dont eyeball anything. This aint a truck trany
youre repairing. Its a meal youll be eating.

WALDORF SALAD
Before you start whining, I realize its salad, but it taste good, and it has mayo, so it cant
be all bad. This recipe is easier than a two piece jig saw puzzle. If you screw this up, burn
the book, and claim it was stolen. On second thought, if you cant make this, you
shouldnt be around matches. Just tell your spouse you never learned to read. Trust me,
shell believe it.
What youll need:
3 apples,
5 celery stalks,
lettuce and/or grapes (optional)
cup chopped walnuts,
cup raisins,
cup cubed sharp cheddar,
teaspoon each of salt, allspice, cinnamon
cup of light Mayo
Chop everything, put it in a bowl, and put it in the fridge. Once its cold, cover it with a
light Mayo, and refrigerate. Its ready to serve. If you want to punch it up, add a teaspoon
of spicy mustard to the mayo.
IMPORTANT! If the mayo is dark yellow or brown, give it to an in-law you hate, and
buy a new jar for yourself. If this confuses you, dont test it by tasting it. Follow this rule.
If it smells like your underpants, toss it! Come to think of it. If your underpants are giving
off a smell, toss them too.

SALAD DAYS
In 1893 Chef Caesar Tshirky invented the Waldorf salad at the Waldorf Hotel in New
York.
Contrary to popular belief, it wasnt Julius, or Augustus Caesar who invented the
Caesar Salad. It was their cousin Sidney. However, every time he asked if anyone wanted
a Sid Caesar? People laughed.

EGGS FLORENTINE
This is nothing more than Eggs Benedict sans the Canadian bacon. It sounds elaborate
however, and its vegetarian. Women, (for whatever screwball reason) love this kind of
pretentious crap. So just go with it, and use it to your advantage.
What youll need:
2 eggs,
2 English muffins,
1 teaspoon lemon juice,
cup chopped spinach leaves,
a sprinkle of paprika,
and some flour for thickening.
Break and drop two eggs into boiling water without breaking the yolks. Once they look
like eggs over-easy, pull em with a slotted spoon, and place them on the muffins.
Coata saucepan, (Thats the tall one) with cheap veggie oil or olive oil for taste (but not
extra virgin olive oil its too expensive).
Break 3 yolks into saucepan, with a teaspoon of lemon juice and a tiny sprinkle of flour.
Stir this constantly over low heat. Watch this close or youll turn it into fried, sour eggs
that your beagle wont even touch. (And remember he licks his own privates without
hesitation).
Its also important to note. Hollandaise sauce isnt peanut butter. It doesnt come in two
styles, regular, and chunky.
Once the sauce is hot, dump it over the eggs, place the spinach on top, and sprinkle a
little paprika (the red stuff) on it for color. Dont overdo the paprika or itll taste like
something left on the dashboard of a New York cab in July.
This has to be served right away. If you try to micro this, itll magically assume the
texture of food left under the truck stop heat lamp while the second coat of wax was
applied to the 18 wheeler!

HANGOVER HASH
There are few things in life I can claim to be an expert on. Unfortunately, hangovers and
E.D. medications are my unique specialties. (Hey look if I was Rambo would I be writing
a frickin cook book?)
Every persons digestive system is unique. Because of this, physical effects and remedy
effectiveness differ for each hangover.
Hangovers are most often caused by the ingestion of too much sugar. Alcohol is
fermented mainly in 2 forms: barleys and starches that turn into sugars, (remember the old
litmus paper test in high school), and via fructose from grape, and fruit sources like wine,
champagne, and brandy.
Acids appear to counter-act sugars. Thats why so many people have a Bloody Mary to
ease their self-inflicted mental wounds.
Grease also seems to dilute or absorb alcohol. Years ago, the White Castle hamburger
chain was wise enough to puncture their buns with 7 to 10 pin holes. Theyd fry them on
the grill alongside the meat just to take advantage of this. It gave the entire burger a moist
taste and led to the term slider.
The idea of the slider is nothing new. Usually the best sliders are from local,
independent burger joints. Not because theyre any better, but because theyve learned
through experience how the locals like them best.
The best way to get rid of a hangover is water. Drink water after youre loaded, but
before you go to sleep, and down as much as you can stomach the following morning.
Cleansing the body by flushing the carcinogens out of it is a good way to stay thin as well.
The following is a breakfast with acid, grease, fluids, and just enough heat to help you
sweat it out, and be back on your feet to go over all your excuses for the numerous
embarrassing things you said and did last night.
Get some store bought frozen hash browns. (Dont get all Foodie-arrogant on me.
Remember you did this to yourself, now man up and deal!) Mix the spuds with an equal
amount of bulk Italian sausage (not links) and cook in a pan over medium heat with the lid
on so you dont lose the grease.
Slice up a tomato. Half goes on the plate as a side dish, and half goes in the pan.
Fry 2 eggs over medium. This is very important because if you try over-easy or softfried and end up with snot eggs, youll take one look, and throw your lunch.
Belly up to a 32 oz. glass of Clamato or V-8 juice. This will help to flush the system.
And trust me, your system could really use some flushing!
Finallytake all this crap and feed it to your dog. Then take three Ibuprophren and go
back to bed. Eight hours from now, youll feel wonderful, or horrible, depending on what
you remember from last night. Sure this recipe didnt help, but maybe doing all this taught
you a lesson.

THE LIQUID DIET

Basic metabolism rages from 2,300 to 3,000 calories per day. Certain light beers have as
few as 40 calories per twelve ounces. Theoretically, if you drink a six pack for all 3 meals
a day, youll take in 720 calories and lose drastic weight and your liver.

SCOTCH EGGS
This is the perfect food for hunters, back-packers, hikers, and just about anyone on the
run from the law. Its a delicious protein grenade that can travel anywhere, and is just as
good hot, or cold.
I learned about this from Chefs Janice Barnhill and Julie Zorn at the Coffeepot
Restaurant in Kenosha, Wisconsin. I hope the recipe I came up with, doesnt detract from
the much more refined version they make.
What youll need:
5 eggs,
pound of ground beef,
garlic salt,
American fries
Hard boil 5 eggs. After they cool, peel and half each. Poke tooth-pick holes in them and
cover them with ground beef (pack it around the egg) and sprinkle a dash of garlic salt
onto them.
Most people dont half the eggs, but left whole, they look like something that hangs off
a male giraffe. Say what you want about Rocky Mountain Oysters. Ive been served those
macho, meat malformations, and couldnt muster the moxie to bite into them. There are
some things only that pudgy, bald slob from the Travel Network should eat.
Fry these until theyre well cooked and the eggs absorb the juice.
Serve on a bed of American fries (screw the French, only 2 good things ever came out
of France, and Sophie Marceau had both of them!) Fry the spuds till theyre golden brown,
but not crispy.
Scatter some finely chopped parsley or spinach over the entire dish. Remember, if you
sprinkle anything green over a meal, women presume its healthy.
This is how they justify diet meals that include: avocado salad, double cheeseburgers
with lettuce and tomato, pizza with green olives, and even mint milk shakes.
The side dish has to at least look healthy as well. Jettison the bacon, ham, or sausage,
and replace them with a few slices of oranges, or a handful of berries. You can find these
items in the supermarket produce department. Thats the area you havent been to, since
you were small enough to ride in the shopping cart.
You can use melon but be careful not to leave it whole beside her plate. Women like
slices. They dont like to eat like starving Australian Aborigines. Well at least not until
after you marry them.

ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET

White eggs are laid by white chickens. Brown eggs are laid by brown chickens and red
hens. The multi-colored Easter egg is laid by schizophrenic chickens!

DONT PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD

Buffalo wings were invented in 1964 at the Anchor Bar in Buffalo, New York. Buffalo
chips were invented by the Plains Indians for Frisbee games. They were obviously elated
when they were allowed to build casinos, and play with poker chips instead.

THERE ARE NO STOOPID QUESTIONS

JUST STUPID PEOPLE TO ASK THEM
When you make a special meal for someone, normally youd be appreciated and
thanked. However, theres always one green tinged, off sized, inedible spec of rice in
every 500 pound sack.
Hence, no matter how much research you do, time you waste, or effort, and sincerity
you put into it. Theres always some self-absorbed, pampered, Kardashian-ish princess
wholl ask Did you make it from scratch?
This simplistic, over objective question is the quintessential example of selfishness. Do
these one-dimensional dunderheads actually think you: raised the chickens, grew the
veggies, slaughtered the beef, and went to the Caribbean to pick the fruit?
Unless youre serving a meal of raw apples, tap water and grass clippings you obviously
didnt make it from scratch. If by any chance this were the entre, these single digit I.Q.
holders would no doubt ask, Did you grow the apple trees yourself?
Asking if you made it from scratch is just a way of minimizing the effort you put into
this meal. Anyone who asks this question should be given a brain scan immediately, and
not let outside without trained, adult supervision.

EVEREYTHING FROM SOUP TO NUTS

I was invited to have Matzo ball soup. What do they do with the rest of the Matzo?
Marilyn Monroe.

THE MORNING AFTER OMELET

After a single sexual encounter, or a romantic, married night-in, men usually want to
treat the woman to a nice breakfast. However, that involves a nearby restaurant. Women
often take this as a mans way of showing off their conquest. A smart guy gets up as
early as it takes to surprise her with an appreciation breakfast. Lets be honest here.
Sometimes that bird will take off faster than an illegal alien at a Rush Limbaugh rally. You
have to get up before she does, to impress her.
What youll need:
2 eggs,
quarter cup of milk,
watercress, sliced
slice of baby Swiss cheese,
chopped spinach,
mushrooms, sliced
celery pieces
English muffin,
her favorite juice.
Beat 2 eggs with a quarter cup milk in a bowl. Use a fork so some air gets mixed in. add
3 or 4 sliced watercress. (Ask for them at the grocery. Otherwise, trust me, youll never
find it) Add a quarter cup of chopped spinach, and some sliced mushrooms and celery
pieces. Micro this in the bowl for 2 minutes, then turn it upside down onto a plate
retaining the domed shape. Place the sliced cheese over the top and micro for 20 seconds.
Serve this with a toasted English muffin and a glass of her favorite juice. Make sure you
use a cloth napkin. Paper napkins with fast food logos look tacky to some women.
Important! Add a flower near her plate. If youre married a red rose is mandatory. If
youre single its a death knell, and absolutely forbidden. If shes German, you can replace
the flower with some cash.

THE HEARTSTOPPER SANDWICH

Unlike the lifelong chain smoker who sues the tobacco company after fifty years of
lung defilement because he never heard smoking was bad for you (Apparently these
stooges live in an isolated igloo somewhere near the Arctic Circle), I actually believe you
have to take responsibility for your actions.
As you hopefully figured out from its name The heart stopper isnt on the menu at the
Mayo Clinic. Its full of cholesterol, fat, and calories. And if youre foolish enough to
shove one of these pit bulls down your pie hole on a regular basis, you just might want to
put some extra cash aside for that by-pass surgery youre no doubt headed for.
These are however, delicious and easy to make. They make a great OCCASSIONAL
treat, and theyre a good alternative to the usual gag-me, grease burgher weve all
become so fond of, during those late night, alcohol induced food binges.
What youll need
Dark Russian rye bread,
crispy, bacon slices,
avocado,
pepper-jack cheese,
iceberg lettuce,
butter
Fry the bacon, once its crispy, layer the sliced bacon, cheese, and avocado, on lightly
buttered rye. Grill it, and add the lettuce & the second slice of bread. Flip it and serve with
a tall ice water.
If you can handle it without tossing your stomach, try downing this with a slice of lime.
Itll help cut some of that massive cholesterol vein clogger youve just ingested.

TV DINNER
In the 1972, cult classic Pink Flamingos, director John Waters instructed cross-dressing
actor Glen Milsted, a.k.a. Divine, to eat dog excrement off a city street.
Milsted did as directed. He didnt get the Oscar, but the academy did award him a lifetime
supply of breath mints.
TV Dinners were originally called Partially digested, unidentifiable, industrial food byproducts in cheap metal-like containers.
Oddly enough, this was the exact, same name used to identify canned pet food. To keep
the name wouldve been cruel to the pets.

The Art of the Toast

The toast was invented as a means to reconfirm total and complete commitment to
honor, and friendship with a drink.
When drinking (no matter if its alcoholic or not) you share the taste of the liquid, the
sight and feel of the glass, and the smell of the mixer. There is however, no sense of
hearing, to complete the senses and commemorate the occasion. Thats why people
began clicking glasses and tapping bottles together. To prove total agreement with all five
senses.
We toast life, birth, love, anniversary, friendship, forgiveness, accomplishment, and
even our enemies. Believe it or not, were such insecure, egotist that we acknowledge it
when someone is smart enough to be our superior. As if thats an accomplishment to be
worth noting.
The actual term to make a toast, or to give a toast is a misnomer. When Russians
originally drank to celebrate, or congratulate, they did it in four steps.
They would smell the drink, Make the appropriate statement, taste it, and cleanse the
pallet with a piece of dark Russian rye bread.
When Americans witnessed this action, they confused the dark bread with toasted
bread. When they returned home they referred to the process as toasting.
A toast can be funny, witty, (trust me, theres a big difference between the two). Funny
makes you laugh whether you want to or not. Witty gives you an excuse to smile, if you
want to. The toast can be emotional, or even damning. But above all, it has to be audience
appropriate.
A dirty joke may be big at a bachelor party, but itll go over like a pregnant pole-vaulter
at the office retirement send off. With all that in mind, here are some toasts that are simple,
and sure fire, when used for the right crowd.
Graduation: Heres hoping you go far enough to overcome any tragedies, yet not so
far that you forget your friends
Marriage: To the only two people too good to end up with anyone but each other.
Female promotion: You rose above the glass ceiling, so I think its time you
switched from skirts to pants suits.
Male promotion: Sir, you deserve everything you have. Now lets hope the free

clinic can take care of it for you.

Reunions: Heres to our hairlines, waistlines, and age lines, because they all keep
getting bigger. Our egos keep getting smaller.
Heres to the good people that always get us through the bad times.
Were all going to die someday, but not tonight my friends. Not tonight.
To good friends and memories only we can share.
Christmas: May you get everything youre hoping for, just as long as its pre-paid,
pre-assembled, non-toxic, and non-fattening.
Bachelor & Bachelorette parties: Heres to our kidneys. They were good while
they lasted. But then again, so were we.
Heres to the one person we truly love. Hopefully our spouses will never find out.
Heres to tomorrows hangovers. Lets make sure theyre well worth it.
Going away parties: May you find everything there, you couldnt find here. May
your new friends find you, just as fine as the many friends you left behind.
Retirement: With silver in your hair, gold in your teeth, and lead in your pants,
youve managed to achieve an unparalleled level of mediocrity.
Heres to the next generation. Let them do their share. Ive done my best. Ill gladly
watch them from here.
Over the years, no ones stolen so many hearts, or office supplies as you.
Funeral: We honor the end of a life, and the birth of a legacy.
Anniversary: I toast for tonight, but I live for that smile.
Birthdays: Lets hope the failures we run from, never outrun the victories we still
chase.
May we all outlive our creditors, competitors, and enemies.
Going away parties: I cant think of anyone Id rather get drunk and forget, than
you folks.
Important! If you cant make it funny, make it simple and sincere.

THE APPLE OF HIS EYE

Jack Daniels didnt die of a broken heart, but just about. After flying into a jealous rage
over something his girlfriend did. He kicked his floor safe and broke his foot. He got
gangrene and died a few weeks later. In hindsight, he probably shouldve just gotten drunk
instead.
To this day, Lynchburg, Tennessee, where Jack Daniels is produced is a dry county.
Apparently they know something we dont. Or maybe, when it comes to good sippin
whiskey the rest of us dont know Jack.

OVERCOOKED
I wanted to put this work on Face book. Unfortunately my webmaster thought I said
Faced book. Now theres a complete website dedicated to photos of me drunk, and
passed out in my backyard.

DEMONIC DELICACIES
When I was sixteen, I ran away from home and got a job on a tramp freighter working
the north Atlantic.
I learned a lot during that time. Mostly about what treatments are most effective for
social disease. I also learned to appreciate such culinary crash sites as snails, octopus,
clams, cow eyes, raw oysters, squid, quail eggs, beef tongue, rocky mountain oysters, and
a flurry of other intestinal suicidal suggestions far too unimaginable to mention.
Beef tongue for example, once in your mouth, contours to your own taste buds. Its like
biting into a French kiss.
Snails are usually served red hot in garlic butter sauce, the reason? Youre eating grubs!
If you heat it up enough, and drown it in strong enough garlic, so you cant actually taste
it. (Thank you Jesus)! Congratulations France. Once again, youve given your culture snob
society an excuse to get bad breath while eating worms.
Squid is good when its deep fried. Its chewy. Boil it, and it takes on a slime texture
only a larger fish could love. Many Asian cultures eat live squid. (Nothing like putting a
crawling, wiggling, slimy, creature alive in your mouth) Still, its far better than octopus. I
dont care what the elitist culinary snobs tell you. This stuff isnt edible unless its
chopped up and unrecognizable.
Sushi is raw fish and seaweed. If raw fish gags you, order the California roll. Its crab.
You can stomach that, cant you Chuck Norris? If youre too much of a wimp to hold that
down, try the salmon roll.
Think of it this way, if a woman can carry a baby in her stomach for a full nine months.
You oughta be able to keep a quarter ounce of fish down your lid until you get home.
In most Asian nations, they enjoy a black chicken egg, with a half developed chick
inside. Its called balut. Its crunchy, satisfying, and full of protein. I cant eat it without
thinking Two more days and this wouldve sprouted feathers.
The Polish enjoy a soup of blood called charnina. The Greeks eat raw beef eyes on a
bed of white rice. I walked across the room and felt my food still staring at me. Some
tribes of Sioux used to eat young dog. Its all a matter of politeness, but at times it might
just be smarter just to admit you dont eat this in your country, than to try to ram it down
your chow pipe and end up upchucking at the dinner table.
Most unique items are acquired tastes. That means youre not expected to like them the
first time. You can eventually learn to like them. Its the same way women are towards
cheap beer, or motorcycles.

FAST FOOD
The first fast food restaurant in America was opened by Scottish restaurateur Angus
McHornstrum. Unfortunately he named it McHornys, with the slogan You get it hot
and fast. Patrons rushed to the drive-in apparently expecting a completely different type
of service. Authorities closed it down in just two weeks.

OMELETTE LE ABIMA
AKA
THE GARBAGE OMELET
When it comes to food, men think differently than women. Basically, if it eats good, and
we can afford itwere there.
Presentation is wasted on the average man. If we like something enough, you can serve
it in a dented hubcap with a pliers and channel locks as utensils.
Women on the other hand, treat food like they treat sex. They want everything
embellished, romantic, and beautiful, no matter how unimportant it really is. The more
flowery adjectives and glossy prefixes you can attach to a recipe name, the more they
enjoy it. If a food has more than three prefixes in the title, theyre afraid NOT to enjoy it.
Theyre complete saps for the European and Spanish names. (Much like men are for porn,
and junk food). The difference is, we men are so shallow, that we admit it. Where as most
women have a core honesty issue they dont dare admit. This is why noodles became
pasta, cream sauce became Alfredo, and old whipping cream became crme fraiche. If you
dont believe me about the honesty issue, try Internet dating. Every woman on the web is
instantly 10 years younger, and 20 pounds lighter than in real life. This shouldnt surprise
men. Women learned this from dealing with us.
Traditionally, the garbage omelet was thrown together by the fry cook by adding all the
extra bits of peppers, onions, tomatoes, and whatever else was left over on the grill, rather
than tossing it in the garbage.
If this included cheap beer it would be perfect guy food.
These have been served in hash houses, truck stops and highway cafes since the days
when weed was something in your lawn, crack was what you saw when your plumber bent
over, and on-line was what you stood in, at the bank. To serve this to the female of your
choice, well wussy it up by giving it the French name for spoiled food, Le Abima. If she
asks you what it means, just shake your head slowly and respond, So you dont know
French? Trust me, shell drop it instantly.
To start, remove any green or red vegetable matter from your fridge. Important! This
doesnt include any green growing on bread or rolls. Chop all this into pieces about the
size of a lug nut and mix it with three eggs and a quarter cup of milk. If you dont have
milk, add coffee creamer to hot water. Its the same consistently and shell never know.
Whip all this together with a fork. Pour half into a pan thats been lightly oiled. Cook
over medium-high heat. When its firm on the bottom, but still a bit runny on top, turn half
over so it looks like a taco. If you have bacon, you can fry it really crisp, and crumble it
over the top. Dont serve it whole on the side, (way too hillbilly).
Also, dont cover this with Velveeta, Cheeze Wiz, or that sliced cheese in the plastic
wrap. Remember, if she develops a taste for that type of patching plaster, shell eventually
blimp out like a hot air balloon at the state fair. Then youll have to spend the rest of the
relationship lying about how she doesnt look fat in assorted blouses, stretch pants, and
jeans.

Dont forget, this is for breakfast, or possibly a late night booty call reward. Its NOT
for supper.
No woman wants to describe to her friends, the elegant anniversary dinner you
prepared, by saying He made me eggs! Unless youre Brad Pitt above the shoulders, or
John Holmes(God Bless him) below the belt, that just aint gonna work.
To class the act up a tiny bit, you can chop up the leafy ends of any celery stalks in the
fridge and sprinkle them over the dish. Thatll make it look healthy. If she asks about it,
tell her its cilantro. It taste similar, and in that small amount she wont be able to tell the
difference.
Youll be tempted to serve this with coffee, but I advice not to. Itll give you sour
breath, and reduce any chances you might have of traveling the horizontal highway to
heavenly co-habitation afterward. Also, dont serve this with anything with icing you cook
in a toaster. That food is strictly for you, and never to be eaten sober.
You serve this with mimosa. Thats a French word meaning drunk before noon. Its
just orange juice and champagne. You can use pretty cheap champagne because the O.J.
overwhelms any champagne taste. However, dont use champagne from a can, or anything
from a bottle with the words also removes paint on the label. As a side dish serve a cold
cucumber salad. I know its pretentious, and elitist, but its simple to make, and healthy so
shut up and start cooking.
This might sound time consuming, but you can bust both of these dishes out faster than
a rich man running from a panhandler. Open a jar of pearl onions and pour half the
contents into a nice looking bowl with a few sliced tomatoes and cucumbers. Add a
quarter cup of sour cream with two tablespoons of vinegar. You dont have to actually eat
this. Just put it on each plate and fill up on the eggs.

Fromage Breeau
This is just a casserole, but since casseroles are something your grandma used to make.
I renamed it so you dont look like the geek you really are.
I couldve called it cheese bake or cheese hot dish like a normal person, but normal
persons dont have anything to do with cooking. If you dont believe me, try watching a
few hours of that Jersey ego-czar Anthony Bourdain, without some oxycontin, and a
bottle of Jack.
So to dress up this frat boy to look like a professor Ive used the French word
fromage instead of cheese, and I made up the word breeau, (pronounced bree-oh). It
shouldve been called cold weather casserole.
Other than a warm bed, and someone hot to share it with, there are few things more
satisfying on a cold day than a hot casserole. This ones easy to prepare, but a bit time
consuming.
What youll need:
1 can cheddar cheese soup
1 tomato
2 cans French style green beans
2 pounds of white fish
1 large package of frozen tater tots
3 slices of Muenster cheese
A bread pan, thats the rectangular one about 8 long and 5 deep
Slice the tomatoes, drain the beans, defrost and smash up the tater tots. (Dont use a
hammer) in the bottom of the pan. Layer the beans, fish, and cheese sauce (soup) until the
pan is full. Top it with thinly sliced tomatoes, and slices of Muenster cheese. Bake at 350
degrees for 30 to 40 minutes.
Serve this with a blush wine. The culture snobs will demand fish be served only with
white wine, but women prefer sweet to sour, so go the blush route, and dont worry about
it.
When you plate this mess, try to cut it out in those lasagna squares they serve at
restaurants. If you spoon this out so it looks like that gelatinous glob they serve Tuesday
nights at the retirement home, it just might lose some of its appeal.
Dont salt this. Its made from processed food that already contains enough sodium to
preserve an adult moose for several decades.
This contains a vegetable, protein, starch, and dairy. Technically, the tomato is a fruit,
but according to past presidents so is ketchup. There is fruit in the wine, but the alcohol
negates any vitamins it may have once held.
Ask whatever supermarket produce geek you usually see to suggest a tasty tropical fruit
and how to slice it. Since nobody but house-spouses, and elderly hippies ever talk to these
poor slobs, (other than their power crazy managers screaming at them to throw out the
rotten cabbage or restock the cauliflower). Theyll bust their vegan humps to impress you.

Be careful. Dont get into a discussion of music with them as it inevitably ends with them
singing a chorus of Free bird with a lighter held over their heads.
Guava, mango, and pomegranates are all nice side dishes.

THATS A LOT OF BULL

Authentic Italian mozzarella cheese is supposedly made only of milk from water buffalos.

CHIlIS SIMPATICO
Chili Rellenos is one of my favorite dishes. However, its like granola, or pizza. Unless
youre going to buy ingredients in bulk, theyre cheaper to buy. Theyre also more time
consuming than a Chicago shake down. Preparing them properly involves: Pasilla chilis,
Monterey jack cheese, salsa verde, tomato based salsa, corn oil, flour, six eggs, and
countless spices, and hot sauces. It also can include up to eight separate steps.
Lets simplify the process before we start thinking Alton Brown is an intellectual, and
Jacque Pepin is actually interesting! And Heres a type of stuffed pepper that will fool
most Anglos and may pass a Hispanic girls inspection if shes had a few drinks down her
lid. Well call this Chilis Simpatico. Like me, its cheap, and wont make you swear
very often.
What youll need:
1 pound lean ground beef
4 poblano peppers
1 jar Jalapeno cheese sauce
1 pkg. instant brown rice
Cook one and a half cups water to every cup of rice until boiling. Reduce heat to low
until the waters absorbed.
Cut the stem off the fat end of the chili and remove the insides. Boil them until theyre
soft, (usually 5 to 7 minutes). Brown the burger and drain off the fat.
Mix the burger, rice, and cheese sauce. Stuff the peppers and grill them till they get grill
lines. Serve this with some cottage cheese and refried beans as side dishes.
This crap is delicious but goes down like swallowing a small woodland creature. Dont
wash this down with tequila or Mexican beer. Its way too heavy, and will give you a gut
bomb worse than anything launched in the Afghan war. If youve gotta do alcohol, try a
glass of cheap Sangria. Its the wapituli of fruit wines, and light enough to hold down.
This whole wine faade can get confusing. Just remember, white wine with fish sticks, red
wine with wieners, simple as that.
Chilis have a high fiber content in their skin. Make sure you set the table with steak
knives or your guest will be gnawing away at this stuff like a woodchuck with an elm

branch.
This isnt authentic Chilis Rellenos. I call it Chilis Simpatico because its as simple as
we poor slobs whore attempting to make it. But understand this, it is good. If youre
vegetarian, substitute the beef for rice and chopped tomato.

FROZEN FOOD
The native people of the arctic are the Inuit. Eskimo is a slang term meaning raw
meat eater. The term New Yorker is an old English term meaning convicted felon.

WHOA THERE BIG GUY!

If youve been reading this straight through, it may be time to pull off the highway and
re-check the roadmap. A cook book isnt literature. Its a reference book. And like any
reference book, its to be referenced periodically, not read constantly.
Why? Because too much culture can be bad for a man. Remember, dont confuse
culture with intellect. The Greeks were cultured, and everyone ended up wrestling naked
on Mt. Olympus. The Scottish were cultured, and they all started wearing kilts and eating
sheep tripe. The English were cultured, and they wore frilly, silk shirts, pancake makeup,
and talked like John Malkovich. The only real culture the French have is in their yogurt.
Non-essential cultural pursuits can detract from the natural interests that make men
uniquely masculine. Next thing you know, youre not arguing Ginger or Mary Ann.
Youre arguing The Captain, or Gilligan. Lets stop this ridiculous ranting for a moment,
and get back to the point. No matter what your sexual orientation, you still want to have a
good image. Some weird photo of you wearing nothing but riding chaps, and a cooking
apron, isnt it. The grey area between cultured, kinky, and down right, creepy is a place I
really dont consider a destination vacation spot!
Dont mistake this for what rednecks call fag bashing. Im going for a laugh here.
Someone who enjoys hurting a person because of sexual preference is a mental cripple.
That same person would enjoy slapping around your sister if they set them off while
dating. Theyd also enjoy hurting children, small animals, the elderly, or just about
anything defenseless.
Thats because this is all about power, not prejudice.
Cooking is like religion. No matter how intricate, intellectual, or interesting, the
arrogant and ignorant usually dont get it. Cooking should be equal to such pursuits as
appreciation for nature, physical challenges, mental stimuli, family and friends,
fulfillment, patriotism, ideals, pride in country, accomplishments, independence, and of
course whatever overindulgence will eventually ruin your life completely.
The old axioms too much of anything is bad for you, and all things in moderation,
through science, and technology, we now know to be true.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Its now accepted that the pectin in apples is a
powerful anti-oxidant.
A daily dose of castor oil will keep you strong. Its been proven that fish oil reduces
the risk of heart attack by as much as fifty percent.
A little elbow grease will get the heart pumping. Medical professionals agree
sweating for twenty minutes a day vastly improves cardio-vascular health.
You shouldnt be cooking every day, even for yourself. At least once a week you should
go out. If for no other reason, just for the social interaction, this helps to reduce the sense
of national isolation that seems to hover over so many Americans today. The point is, if
youve been riveted to this work like a high school girl at a Jonas Brothers concert, its
probably time to throw this door stop in with your dirty underpants pile, and not retrieve
it till next wash day, (by the way, that shouldnt be a monthly event).

SCURRO CHEESCAKE
Scurro is Spanish for dark. It sounds elegant, decadent, and hard to make. Its actually
nothing more than a simple chocolate cheesecake, but well make it look and taste as good
as it sounds. The way women go so totally preteen for anything chocolate, this is a shoein.
What youll need:
2 packages cream cheese,
1 tablespoon of flour,
2 eggs,
teaspoon vanilla,
cup sugar,
1 graham cracker pie crust,
2 dark chocolate candy bars,
1 bottle chocolate syrup
Mix the cream cheese, flour, vanilla, and sugar. Use a metal bowl and you can muscle
this stuff into a paste really quick. Important! Dont use your power tools. It is faster, and
easier, but I know from experience it can leave dangerous metal filings. Nothing kicks the
romance out of a night faster than your date spitting out a chunk of tin at the dinner table.
Add the eggs and some chocolate syrup (the kind kids squirt on their ice cream). Dont
go nuts here. Its food, not a Dali painting!
Mix it till it turns a light, chalky brown. Remember its cheesecake, not a freaking
brownie. Pour it into the store bought pie crust.
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees, or until the light goes off. Cook it for about 40
minutes. Check it at 35. If its turning black, or starting to smoke, treat it like sex without a
condom. Pull it out immediately.
Once its done, let it cool for ten minutes Thats about time enough for two beers. (One
if youre talking to someone).
Melt the dark chocolate candy bars in the micro for whatever it takes and drizzle the
crap like a scribble design over the top. Dont try to draw something sappy like a heart, or
her initials. If youre with a woman whos impressed by this type of thing, send her home
immediately, and refuse to see her again until one or both of you get out of high school.

Put the cheesecake in the fridge for three, to four hours. Dont try to speed this up by
putting it in the freezer. Youll end up with a frozen concoction that should be served on a
stick at a carnival. Worse yet, youll probably get really hungry, eat it before it thaws out,
and get frost bite of the taste buds.
Serve this with black coffee without sugar. The acid will cut some of the sweetness for a
nice contrast.

Kobe beef has numerous requirements. It must come from virgin Tajima cattle (although
some of the heifers probably lie about that one). They must descend from Wagyu breeds
from the 2 century. Marbling must be 6%, meat quality at 4-5, and gross weight 470 kilos
or below.
nd

MEET THE INLAWS MEATLOAF

I completely understand that meeting her parents is about as exciting as watching a golf
re-run in a foreign language. Its usually boring, superficial, and nerve racking. If youre
like me, youll probably spend the majority of the night thinking of ways to break up with
her, as soon as its over.
Since the situation is inevitable, dont be a dope. Set it up so youre in control. Invite
the Adams family over to your house. This is great because no matter how well you clean
up. Her mom will still complain that youre a filthy pig, and make up an excuse to leave
early. It also means you wont be tortured with the traditional, mind numbing, seemingly
endless, array of family photos. (Those will make you want to open a vein)
Next, unplug your TV, and explain that its mysteriously broken. That way the old man
wont find the All Dull Sports Network and decide to stay until the end of the 24 hours
of LeMans.
I chose meatloaf for this anti-occasion. Its not very classy but the old man will dig it,
and hes the one youll eventually be barrowing money from, if this thing ever gets into
fourth gear. Also this is really easy and your girl will be amazed you pulled it off at all.
This wont impress the mother, but unless shes widowed and hot, what do you care.
What youll need:
pound ground beef,
1 cup milk,
2 slices bread,
1 chopped onion,
1/4 cup cola,
1 tablespoon mustard,
1 cup raw oatmeal,
1hard boiled egg,
1 tablespoon ketchup
Important! If youre Hispanic, dont put lard in this. For all other guys, dont substitute
the oatmeal with Fruit loops, or Lucky charms.
Mix the burger, oatmeal, onion, 1raw egg, and milk. You can use your hands but wash
them first, especially if youve been cleaning fish or breeding livestock.
Grease a bread pan, (Thats the rectangular one with the high sides) with some

vegetable oil. Place two bread slices on the pan bottom. Theyll absorb the grease from the
cheap burger you used, and make a nice treat for that guard dog at the auto salvage yard
next time you need spare parts after midnight.
Mush the mixture into (now get this) a loaf of meat. Push the hardboiled egg deep
inside. Next, mix the cola, ketchup, and mustard, and rub it on top of the loaf. Put it in a
350 degree preheated oven, and cook it for an hour. When its done, turn it upside onto a
platter and toss that greasy bread into the compost pile, or in your roommates shoes if
hes passed out.
Buy a can of beef gravy, and tomato sauce. Micro them for one minute, if youre
attending the local community college remember, its not necessary to preheat the
microwave. Heat the sauces separately. Use a microwave safe dish (thats the only one left
that you havent already exploded accidentally) & place in separate dishes with spoons.
Dont put the cans on the table.
Serve this with green beans, and some mashed potatoes. You can buy both from the
deli. Dont try to make the side dishes. Youll screw it up, and itll turn into the really
funny story youll have to hear at every in-law function until you mercifully pass away.
Serve this with ice cold milk. Old folks love any guy, (no matter how creepy) who
drinks milk, Dont ask me why, besides, water looks cheap, and you cant pass off old
margarita mix as a soft drink.
A few added health tips here. Dont ask the old man to make a beer run for you. No
matter how smashed you get, (this may not be a brilliant idea to begin with). Dont hit on
the old lady. Dont comb your hair with your fingers at the table. No matter how cool the
old man seems, dont recite that poem you heard from the crack addict/ex-con that has the
word Nantucket in the opening line. Finally, above all, if you screw up, and are never
allowed to see her again, the parents just might be doing you a big favor.

A WATERED DOWN DRINK

There are basically seven types of water: Tap water, that meets your area municipal
requirements. Spring water that flows out of the ground unspoiled near its source.
Sparkling water that adds carbon dioxide to make effervescence. Distilled water that
removes impurities via boiling, and steam condensation. Mineral water, that adds minerals
to dissolve salt, sulfur, and gasses. Purified water thats completely sterilized, usually by
using an autoclave. And holy water thats basically any water Angelina Jolie bathes in.

POKER NIGHT PIZZA

When you host a poker night party, youre on the hook for the food. Thats actually a
good thing. If you took a break while your friends went out for grub, they might come to
their senses, and go home with whats left of their money.
You cant get away with serving that ninety-nine cent bag of chips again. If you try it,
theyll expect you to spring for the booze, depending on how much swill they can absorb,
this can get really pricey, really fast.
Its also a good idea not to serve anything thatll stain the carpet, furniture or the dogs
coat. Its best to make something they can eat with one hand while clutching their cards
with the other.
There are some overly obvious rules. Dont serve anything on a stick.
Theres always one nerd wholl get so loaded, hell actually poke himself in the back of
the throat while attempting to get that last bite. Dont serve pudding, or Fondue unless
youve invited Richard Simmons and Ives St. Laurent.
In this one food fits all dish, (Okay maybe nine or ten) but for our purpose well deal
with just one. By the way, a six pack and a chili cheese dog isnt considered a seven
course meal.
While pizza is easy to make, dont use tomato sauce. It stains too easy. A dog is an
excellent energy efficient garbage disposal. But they make just as many new stains as they
remove. They are nice for wiping your hands off. After all, they come to you. What towel
can do that?
What youll need:
A store bought thin pizza crust,
olive oil,
basil
parsley,
oregano,
garlic powder,
mozzarella, or provolone cheese,
Your choice of: spinach, onions, tomatoes, chicken, or anchovies.

Sprinkle a teaspoon of each seasoning into a quarter cup of olive oil. Rub this grease on
the both sides of the pizza crust. Cover the entire top with cheese slices, but dont go nuts,
leave some open crust. This is a pizza, not a grilled cheese the size of a man whole cover.
Next, top it with three of the ingredients you chose. Unless youre a coon-ass, dont mix
the chicken with anchovies. Itll taste like frogs legs.
Preheat the oven to 450 degrees and cook the pie for 12 to 14 minutes. Check it at 8
minutes in case your ovens screwed up. Trust me, a lot of them are. If youre making this
for a woman, cut loose with some white wine. Red wines an acquired taste, and most
women that play poker on a regular basis are more Corona than Cristal. More importantly,
Id rather clean up white, than red if her chunk volcano erupts.

FI$H TALES
Im a former vegetarian. For seven years I didnt even touch a slice of mincemeat pie or
a shot of Wild Turkey. I wasnt a vegan mind you. I never had the cajones for that type of
conviction. I do have some convictions, but mainly for minor felonies.
Im sure its because of this period that Im such a seafood lover today. Id rather have a
simple fish dinner than the best 78 ounce steak the Big Texan has to offer.
The problem arises because just as Jacque Cousteau warned several decades ago,
numerous fish are now in jeopardy of extinction. To make matters worse, a majority of
these creatures arent protected internationally. While Canadians have gone to extreme
measures to protect the codfish, the Asian nations have exploited the Canadian coast after
polluting and depleting their own fish stocks. The Japanese still whale under the research
banner.
The huge commercial factory fleets of Taiwan, Korea, and Norway have turned vast
areas of international waters into aqua deserts.
Today, many fine dining establishments knowingly serve in peril sea foods under
contrived pseudonyms. I was advised by numerous Scottsdale, Arizona restaurants to
order the Chilean Sea Bass now because itll be extinct within the next 4 to 5 years.
The massive commercial fleets of Seattle, Washington, and Vancouver, British
Columbia risk their lives, and the company profits, to seek out Alaskan king crab in Arctic
waters. What they dont tell you is that they have to fish in these areas because they
completely devastated their own fish stocks 30 years ago.
If you love something, you dont exploit it like a poacher. You maintain it like a
licensed hunter. You dont eliminate it like a lumberjack. You grow it like a farmer. You
dont sell it like a cheap pimp. You nurture it like a teacher. The bottom line; dont be
afraid to ask the chef what the status is on what hes serving. You pay the bill. You
essentially pay his salary.

GOURMET RUSSIAN ROULETTE

In Japan eating the poisonous blowfish or fugu is consider the height of gourmet dining.
Thats despite its liver, skin, muscle, and ovaries carrying the poison tetrodoxin. This is so
toxic the slightest pinch can easily kill 30 people. The danger lies in its preparation. Even
with knowledge and the extreme care of expert chefs, people are killed every year from
this fatal little fish fry.
One fugu can sell for as much as $140. Tens of thousands of the fish are sold annually,
making it a 40 million dollar a year industry. New York began importing the delicacy in
1989, Hong Kong in 1995.
Japan has depleted its waters of fugu (they never seem to learn). Internationally,
researchers are worried for the species survival. To its credit, the Japanese have been
successful in aqua-farming the fish. Ironically, its unique flavor may mean its survival

CHICKEN KIEV
This is little more than a ham and cheese sandwich, using chicken breasts instead of
bread. Its easy, but its got a cool name and sounds complicated, so it makes you look
(despite outward appearances) sophisticated.
What youll need:
4 boneless chicken breast halves
lemon pepper
1 package cooked sliced ham
1 package bacon
8-10 ounces Muenster cheese
salt
Flatten out the chicken breast on a cookie sheet, or some wax paper. Important! Dont
use any type of butcher block or wood surface. Microscopic germs love to hide out in
wood grain, only to return later with their sickening older brother Sam Monella. Place a
piece of wax paper over the chicken and beat it with any large utensil you find in the
drawer. Dont use anything from your trucks tool box.
Slice each breast down the side making a pocket. Throw a slice of ham in there. Lightly
fry the bacon & wrap around the chicken. Place in a baking pan and bake for 30 minutes at
350 degrees. Remove it, the bacons crispy. Sprinkle a tiny bit of salt and lemon pepper
over this.
Serve this with two cups of brown rice, (Try the instant stuff. The long grain takes
forever), and some asparagus. All you have to do is boil asparagus and its a done deal.
A bottle of Pinot Noir (pronounced Pee-No No-are, Not Peanut No-her) will impress
the woman, but be careful to use actual wine glasses. A plastic mug you got free at your
favorite hockey teams giveaway night wont cut it. You can pick up a bottle of this casket
lacquer for around 15 clams.

I bought a cookbook at the dollar store. When I flipped the page corners, it showed Chef
Emeril, and Chef Mario wrestling over the last donut at a breakfast buffet.

A ROMANTIC DINNER
Chocolate has more than 200 chemicals composites, making it almost impossible to test as
an aphrodisiac. It is true that oysters are an aphrodisiac, but only to other oysters, and even
they have to be really hard up.

CREOLE CASSEROLE
This is a red beans and rice variation. Ive traveled a great deal in my life and met
people from all over the world. Beans and rice is a staple in almost all cultures on some
level.
If you cant handle this simple dish, you may want to stay out of the kitchen where the
big kids keep the sharp objects and you might get a boo-boo. You also may want to seek
out a position a few steps below automation.
This dish contains sausage. If youre Jewish or Muslim, you can use beef. If youre
vegetarian, you can use boiled eggs. If youre a vegan, you can use tofu. If youre from
Palm Beach, Florida, Scottsdale, Arizona, or Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina just
who do you think youre kidding by pretending to read a cook book? Be honest, cooking
is something that magically happens when the servants come out of the kitchen, or when
the waiter returns to your table. Besides, youve never read anything without the word
Illustrated in the title in your life.
Any casserole has a tendency to be deceptively unappetizing. It can easily turn into an
inedible glob of plaster-like consistency. Its important to know that side dishes can really
dress this up.
What youll need:
1 can red kidney beans,
chili beans,
1 chopped onion,
1 red and yellow pepper,
4 stalks celery,
2 cloves garlic,
2 cups brown rice,
1 pound sweet Italian sausage,
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce,
1 head of cabbage,
1 teaspoon crushed red pepper,
3 teaspoons Creole seasoning.
Chop the onion, peppers, and celery into the size of a golf ball. Brown the sausage and
drain off the grease. Chop the cabbage and boil the daylights out of it.
Cook the rice. Throw everything else, except the cabbage, in a big pot and boil it for
around 30 minutes. Serve this over a bed of rice with the chopped cabbage on the side.
Important! Boiled cabbage smells like youre slow cooking a dirty jock strap. Dont
take my word for it. Smell the breath of a gay, Irishman and tell me Im wrong.
This is heavy food. You should serve it with a light zinfandel wine. If youre going the
beer route, try Abita. Its a good light beer from Louisiana, thats available in most areas.

While researching my genealogy, I discovered my family crest is two flaming wienies

on crossed barbecue tongs. That would worry me if it werent for the fact that I come from
an area so backward, gravy is considered a beverage.

HOT DIGGITY DOG

The frankfurter originates in Frankfurt, Germany where sausages were served in small
buns with brown mustard. The wiener was invented in Vienna, Austria. The hot dog was
first served in St. Louis in 1880. The word wienie has changed from a noun to a name in
todays society.

BAKED ATLANTIC
This is a seafood casserole. It taste great and its a good way to make a good-looking
presentation.
What youll need:
1 cup cooked crabmeat or that imitation crab
cup flour
2 to 4 teaspoons of butter
1 cup cream
2 cups cooked shrimp
2 to 2 ounces Parmesan cheese
1cup of breadcrumbs (not croutons, not turkey stuffing mix, real crumbs like the ones
on your shirt after you bite into a dry piece of toast)
parsley
paprika
Melt the butter in the micro in a large, non-metallic, bowl. Stir in the flour and cream
with a fork. Reheat it again for about 15 seconds and stir in the grated cheese. When its
creamy, add the fish and breadcrumbs. Take it easy here. You dont want to mush
everything into a disgusting pulp. Slop this into a pan, and brush the top with a mixture of
breadcrumbs, olive oil, parsley, and paprika. Bake it for 20 to 30 minutes at around 300
degrees.
Serve this with a hot dinner roll, some cooked carrots, and a chardonnay wine. Whatd I
tell ya? Easier than bribing a Chicago cop.

SEAFOOD
In an attempt to scare his enemies, and intimidate his fellow pirates, Blackbeard regularly
poured large amounts of gunpowder in his rum, and drank it in front of them. Its rumored
at night he would belch small fireworks displays to amuse the crew.

PORTABELLO BURGER
Being raised on a Wisconsin farm, I should be ashamed of promoting any so called antibeef product. However, since its now estimated there are more cattle on earth than
humans, I doubt multi-billion dollar conglomerates Burger Creep, Jerk in the Box, or
McDung Pile are sweating bullets over one comment, or recipe.
Although I dont eat much red meat these days, I still get the occasional urge for a
double, bacon-cheese, defibrillator burger. Men have the instinctual need for the four basic
food groups: grease, alcohol, cholesterol, and carcinogens.
Although theres no burger in a Portobello burger, if you prepare it right, itll taste like it
does.
What youll need:
4 Portobello mushrooms,
lettuce,
tomato,
red onion,
steak sauce,
4 whole wheat buns,
provolone, or pepper-jack cheese,
olive oil,
brown mustard
Mix a teaspoon of steak sauce in a quarter cup of olive oil. Spread it over both sides of
the shrooms, and the inside of the buns. Grill both until light brown. Slice the onion and
tomato thinly, and the cheese thick. Melt the cheese, add lettuce and mustard.
Any bartender will tell you the taste of any drink is in the mix. Likewise, the taste of
any burger is in its fat. In this case, you make your own taste with the olive oil, and steak
sauce marinade.
Because all burgers are basically picnic food, try to class them up via the side dishes.
Dont serve chips. Theyre way too trailer court. Besides, most chips are high in salt,
sodium, fat, grease, and preservatives.
Traditionally, burgers are served with fries, potato salad, or baked beans. This is foolish.
Why top off a gut-bomb with heavy calories? Thats like taking a rabid dog hunting. The
results arent worth the trouble. Lets try a side of a hefty shrimp salad. Its delicious, light,
and satisfying.

Just mix together a can of those tiny shrimp, and peas, a half jar of light mayo and a half
bag of elbow mac. Boil the mac, drain it, and mix in everything else. Throw some pepper
on it and youre in like ten.
For a fruit side dish, slice up a banana and throw it in a bowl with some pineapple
chunks and some walnuts. Important! Be sure not to use walnuts still in the shell. I know
by experience its like trying to chew through a radiator cap. Also, dont try to substitute
the shelled walnuts with those Beernuts you pick up at the bar during happy hour. If she
asks, refer to this as Bergdorf Salad.
It means absolutely nothing but sounds a bit more appetizing than Motel Six Salad, or
Crunchy Crotch-Rot Surprise.
The foodie establishment will tell you to serve a red wine with mushrooms, but why
muck up a healthy meal with any wine at all? Serve this with tart, pink lemonade, or iced
tea. Burgers, (even mushroom burgers) are for real people. Food snobs pay triple the price
for sirloin burgers and claim to tell the difference. Ive served these pampered, pretentious
punks the cheapest cut of grease ball ground and had everyone thinking it was sirloin.
When it comes to cooking, dont follow the rules, make new ones.
Normally, I wouldnt suggest beer with a burger. Its way too heavy. But for some folks,
this is light enough to accommodate a light pilsner.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME FRIES WITH THAT?

The McDonald Brothers were often asked if they regretted selling their storied franchise
to Ray Kroc for 1 million each, while he became a multi-billionaire. They told a
reporter, Ray always traveled with a few credit cards and forty dollars cash on him. He
worked every day till he died. We each got a stack of credit cards, and 40 bucks on us all
the time. And we havent worked a lick since the 50s. Now, who do you think really got
the better of that deal?

CRISPY TAMALES
Tamales are a traditional Hispanic holiday food. By changing it, I hope to endorse it,
and not offend Rick Bayless, or Ana Garcia. Besides, I live in the barrio and would rather
not have my neighbors draw straws to see who gets to beat me up when I get home at
night.
Tamales are a great combo of protein, vegetables, and spices. The masa however, is far
too mushy for the average American palate. Generally, Americans like everything
crunchy. Our snacks are deep fried, our veggies el dente, and our bread crusty. Hell, even
our casseroles have a crust.
This then, is a recipe for a classic Hispanic dish, screwed up with a new American twist.
What youll need:
1 Chicken,
cup corn oil,
3 pounds of corn masa,
1 teaspoons paprika,
2 tablespoons sour creme
1 tablespoon chili powder,
1 tablespoon garlic powder,
2 eggs,
butter
Dont get a raw chicken and cook it. Buy a cooked deli chicken, put on some of those
free gloves you get in the hair dye package, and pull off all the meat. Unload the skin and
big chunks of fat. Mix the oil and seasoning in a fry pan. Heat them up and mix in with the
chicken.
Mix the masa with all the spices, and add warm water till its a dough consistency.
Separate the eggs and add the egg whites as a binding agent. Masa has the consisency of
cold mashed potatoes. Pack it around the chicken so it looks like a fat tube filled with
chicken and fry in butter (not too much) until crispy.
These wont taste like traditional tamales, and most Hispanics wont like them. But for
the average Gringo, these should do fine.

NOT WORTH A HILL OF BEANS

The oldest known pork and beans recipe came from Italy in 1475. So now we know the
Pilgrims brought at least one dish to the first Thanksgiving dinner. No wonder the Native
Americans later wanted to kill them.

KITCHEN ESSENTIALS
#1. A cast iron fry pan, itll last forever, and makes a good legal weapon in emergencies.
#2. A pot, get one with a lid. Itll save energy.
#3. A can opener, not the electric type, way too wimpy.
#4. A spatula, (the pancake, and egg flipper), lets be honest, those are probably the only
two things you ever cook anyhow.
#5. Microwave, Great for cooking at 2:00 a.m., or anytime youre too loaded to make the
turn into the drive through window.
#6. A smoke alarm, for timing food
#7. Napkins, nothing screams loser louder than multi colored napkins with various fast
food logos on them.
#8. Coffee maker and coffee filters. You can buy about a thousand filters for a buck. Yes, I
realize you may have used the cut off end of a sock in college but your coffee taste like
Desenex and you run the risk of catching Athletes mouth.
#9. A dog, aka the worlds cheapest garbage disposal.
#10. A blender, these are Gods great gift to the culinary impaired. Throw in ice, fruit, and
any hooch, and yahoo, its booze soup time all summer long!
#11. A toaster, I supported myself through college in the field of chemical dependency. It
was during that time that it was proven to me you can actually survive for four straight
years on toast, microwave popcorn, Ramen soup, mac n yak, gas station hot dogs, and
Lone Star Beer. A toaster is the essential weapon of the unemployed, under-educated,
and underfed.
#12. A dark tablecloth, preferably navy blue or dark brown, it hides stains well, and looks
better than that scuffed up card table you got from Goodwill.
#13. Glassware that didnt previously hold jelly, and dont have sport logos on them.
Things you dont need:
a toaster oven,
slow cooker,
rice cooker,
pizza rotator,
waffle maker,
deep fryer,
electric knife,
water softener,
jerky maker,
meat dehydrator,
taffy stretcher,
hot dog microwave stand,
bagel holder,

and anything sold, or invented by Ron Popeil!

SUNDAY DINNER
The iced cream sundae was invented in Two Rivers, Wisconsin in 1899. It seems local
authorities never heard of the separation of church and state, and made it illegal to serve
alcohol on Sundays. An aspiring soda jerk invited men to drop the family at church, and
stop by for an ice cream drenched in alcoholic liqueur. To avoid detection men started
ordering the treat by saying Ill have my Sunday.

The Catholic Church is trying to be much more liberal. When you take communion you
dont get wine & bread. You get a Cosmopolitan and a baguette.

SALSA
Salsa is basically ketchup with a tequila hangover. Too many cooks screw this up by
adding so much heat they turn it into tomato flavored kerosene. Others grind it up to a
type of sloppy, chili pepper soup. Salsa simply means sauce in Spanish. How we as
Americans managed to mess something so simplistic up, is beyond me.
What youll need:
1 tomato,
1 red onion,
1 yellow poblano pepper,
cup cilantro,
teaspoon garlic,
cup lemon juice,
cup ketchup,
teaspoon crushed red pepper,
teaspoon black pepper
Chop up the large items. Toss everything into a blender. Hit the pulse button on and
off in short spurts till its chunky. Add a little lime juice if you like and serve with
anything crunchy.

CREAM OF THE CROP

Cream of Wheat is an Amish slang term for a yeast infection.

COFFEE
Coffee in itself isnt unhealthy. Like hot chocolate, its just flavored water. Ironically,
the chocolate the English used to give their children to help them sleep probably contained
more caffeine than coffee. When first discovered, it was so expensive to import,
unscrupulous European wholesalers would often cut it with dirt.
Today in the pampered, self-indulgent, world of the so-called coffee gourmet, the once
simple drink has been turned into lattes, mochas, cappuccinos, espressos, and frappucinos.
These candy concoctions are assaulted with everything from spices, syrups, fruits. mint
leaves, cinnamon sticks, chocolates, marshmallows, and probably even a wad of chewed
bubble yum! All of these things work to mask coffees natural flavor, and add calories and
caffeines that contribute to high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, and obesity.
Coffee is its own flavor. When you order coffee flavored ice cream, youll never be
asked What flavor ice cream? The same well dressed weasels that cant get through a
day without a double, caramel, butterscotch, mocha frappucino, with whipping cream and
chocolate sprinkles, are the same beamer driving Bozos ordering a razz-tini at the local
dance club, while waiting for Deejay Funky Rump-pumper to spin their favorite mix.
To these people I say, Dont bother with coffee, or booze. Theyre both much too adult
for you. Go buy a ten-dollar gourmet candy bar and play video games at home while
getting all your news from TMZ!
Many people will tell you the best coffee in the world is Kona coffee grown in the Blue
Mountains of Hawaii. The government of the great state of Hawaii knows a cash cow
when they brew it. In an effort to create a larger tax base, they allow any plantation to add
just 10% Kona blend to their beans and sell it as Kona. The point is, when youre getting
$50. A pound for a blend thats just ten percent pure, do you seriously think theres any
incentive to allow 100% pure Kona to leave the island?
Many Asians claim the absolute best coffee in the world hails from Indonesia. Its
called Kopi Luwak. Its extracted from monkey dung. I like to call it crap-uccino!
A cat-like squirrel monkey called the palmcivet, defecates them whole and unscathed,
minus the bitter husk. No matter what it actually tastes like, it gives new meaning to the
term dark roast.

The deadliest drink in the world is said to be Irish coffee. However, I suspect anyone
whos survived drinking cyanide or strychnine may have a strong argument against this,
but oddly enough, Ive never been able to find one of these people. Traditional Irish coffee
is made from 3 shots of Irish whiskey, in a triple espresso, with 2 teaspoons of brown
sugar. This is dangerous because the caffeine shoots up your B.P. and heart rate, while the
booze makes you numb to the effects. Because this is a cold weather favorite it contributes
to freezing accidents, and heart failure.
I personally like my coffee like my women cold and bitter!
Cowboy coffee is often considered an imaginary gimmick invented by some L.A.
screenwriter, or a Madison Avenue ad man. The truth is, until Mr. Coffee became a
reality, cowboy coffee was fairly common in most rural areas.
Its easy to make. Fill a pot full of water. Dump in a cup of grounds. Slide in a raw
egg, and boil till ready. The egg keeps most of the grounds out of your cup, and adds a
distinctive flavor to the brew.
As far as I know, the only company still making real cowboy coffee (minus the egg) is
Arbuckle Ariosa Coffee in Tucson, Arizona.
Established in Pittsburg in 1865, John and Charles Arbuckle packaged and sold one of
the first roasted coffees in America. Until that time, beans were sold green to be roasted to
taste at home.
It became so popular that most people living between the Mississippi and the Rockies
thought it was the only coffee sold in the west.
Realizing sugar to be in short supply in isolated areas, Arbuckles put a sugar cane in the
each bag. Line cooks on the trail were reluctant to give up rare sugar for coffee. Cowboys
would then stir their brew with the peppermint stick and pass it on to be reused.
The Pittsburg company didnt survive the depression, but was re-invented by a distant
relative in Tucson. Today Arbuckles Ariosa is sold locally and via the internet. Its given
an egg and sugar glaze and still comes with a peppermint stick in each bag.
This is my favorite coffee, but because its a small company the stuffs really expensive.
Its as good, or better than any coffee Ive ever tasted.
There was also a brew called miners coffee. Named so because of its popularity with
the prospectors of 1849, west of the Rockies. It became wildly popular all along the West
Coast when Joseph Folger moved to California in 1850. He was the first one to sell prepacked ground coffee. This innovation gave his blend a convenience unknown until that
time.
In modern times, coffee is more popular than ever. In one particular case, it became a
source of litigation and controversy.
In February of 1992 Stella Liebeck of Albuquerque, New Mexico was scalded when her
son braked while she was adding sugar to her coffee in his car.
When she sued McDonalds, the case was ridiculed as an example of frivolous lawsuits
and consumer greed. The truth is the 79 year old woman suffered a 3 degree burn over
rd

6% of her body. This was a full skin thickness burn. She was hospitalized for 8 days, went
through several skin grafts, as her weight dropped to just 83 pounds.
A full thickness skin burn is caused when liquid exceeds 180 degrees. McDonalds
served coffee between 180 and 190 degrees as a standard operating procedure. Coffee you
serve at home is usually around 140 degrees.
In their defense, many gourmet magazines suggest serving coffee at 180 degrees to
release the brews full aroma. Also, McDonalds responded quickly afterward. They now
serve their coffee at a much lower temperature.
In the decade prior to this suit, McDonalds had received over 700 complaints
concerning the temperature of their coffee. Stella was asking for $20,000. The majority of
that was to cover her hospital bills. When McDonalds refused, she was forced to take the
case to court. A jury awarded her $200,000.
Id like to tell you more, but Ive got to stop writing. Its time for my coffee break.

DOES THIS TASTE FUNNY?

New Jerseys Lou Costello of the Bud Abbott and Lou Costello comedy team helped
invent a type of ice cube maker, and for several years held a patent on the machine.

CANDY
Men dont make candy. Older women make candy for their grandchildren. Mothers
make candy for bake sales. Factories make candy for profits.
Men dont make candy. Men make work-benches, mistakes, trouble, bail, terrible
messes, and often complete fools of themselves, but they dont make candy.
The Swiss make candy for tradition. In Mexico they make candy to celebrate the dead.
Cadbury makes candy for Easter. But individual men dont sit home and make candy.
Little girls make candy for slumber parties. Women make candy for the Christmas
season, Toblerone makes candy for tourists. But men dont make candy.
Men make saw-horses, faces, minimum wage, rude gestures, terrible liars, and noises no
woman should ever be forced to endure. But they dont make candy.
So if youre reading this book, hoping to learn how, get yourself a needle and thread,
and sew yourself an apron and matching panties because men dont make candy at least
not with my help!
If any of this is confusing, and you want to know what makes the people tick youre
forced to interact with. Here then, are some simple, completely ignorant rules you can
follow:
Women think all roads somehow lead to insecurity. Men think all roads lead to
insolvency.
White women think all roads lead to matrimony. White men think all roads lead to
alimony.
Dumb women think all roads lead to harmony, Dumb men think all roads end up
leading to a pregnancy.
Poor women think all roads lead to agony. Poor men think all roads lead to
opportunity.
Middle class women think all roads lead out of the middle class. Middle class men
think all roads end at the edge of town.
Rich men think all roads lead to financial gain. Rich women think all roads lead to
weight gain.
Teenage girls dont know where the road leads. Teenage boys dont care where the
road leads.

Married men know the road leads wherever she says it does. Married women know
the road is lined with dirty laundry, dirty dishes, and dirty diapers.
Elderly women think all roads lead to Memory Lane. Elderly men think all roads
lead to dead ends.
Metrosexual men think all roads lead to heartbreak. Metrosexual women think all
roads lead to the hardware store.
Cosmopolitan women think all roads lead to self-absorption. Cosmopolitan men
know they were born on the road to self-absorption.
Small town women think all roads lead to families, friends, and fulfilled dreams.
Small town men think all roads lead to dentures, debt, and dementia.
Real women know the road leads wherever youre willing to follow them to. Real
men know the road doesnt lead anywhere you do!

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Researchers claim rhesus monkeys on unrestricted diets have a diminished capacity for
decision making. Big deal! Unless Bonzo landed a gig with Ringling Bros, his most
important daily decision is between scratching himself, and having another banana.

The food was so awful during my recent hospital stay. I actually begged to be fed
intravenously. I shouldve expected it. Im enrolled in a budget health plan, I was staying
at the Hellmans Mayo Clinic.

During his second term in office, President George W. Bush was once nauseated at a
state dinner abroad. It was later learned he ate a left wing that was liberally spiced. It had a
radical effect on his digestion. White House physicians realized he couldnt stomach the
liberal dish, and suggested he stick to a more conservative diet.

WHY A MAN SHOULD COOK

Ive grown to love bunk beds. I never liked them as a kid, but my wife has demanded
them since our honeymoon.
When it comes to sex, women can be demanding when (and only when) it suits them.
They expect us to be good at it, and cuddle afterward. The reason were good at it, at all,
is because were concentrating on IT, and not cuddling. We dont really see cuddling as
our job. Why do you think we buy you all those stupid stuffed animals that clutter your
room like toilet paper on a truck stop bathroom floor? Thats your bribe for not cuddling.
Besides, cuddling after sex is like watching TV after its been shut off for not paying the
cable bill. No matter how well you go through the motions, its still hard to fake interest
without getting caught.
I bring this up because a man cooking a good meal should result in obligatory sex equal
to birthday, or anniversary sex, but just below make-up sex. Ive never liked the term
make-up sex. It sounds like something you do with a horny clown.
I used to have sex with my ex-wife, (or as shes better known, the defendant) just to
prove there was something I could do better by myself. Food is nothing more than a tool.
If were not smart enough to figure that out, maybe were the tools.

FOOD FIT FOR A KING

Hops in beer are made from the female hops flower. Originally, dandelions, and
marigold flowers were used. Its the hops in beer that makes you drowsy. King Louie the
IX had his pillow stuffed with hops to induce sleep.

IDAHO DOUBLE BAKE

This is called twice baked potatoes by most people. Twice baked essentially turns
baked potatoes into broiled mashed potatoes.
The name doesnt much matter, except it sounds more original and a bit rough, and
women go for that. Women love rugged individualism for the first three months. Then
they often try to turn you into some kind of lame Hugh Grant clone. That way they have
someone to hold their purse while theyre in the can at the mall. Look, if we wanted to be
Hugh Grant, we wouldve all been castrated years ago.
What youll need:
4 Russet potatoes (the brown ones, not the red ones),
1 egg white
cup sour cream,
teaspoon salt,
2 tablespoons margarine,
vegetable oil,
Flavorings of your choice: garlic salt, chives, red pepper, butter, sour cream, (All the
good stuff thatll kill ya).
Important! Dont overdo it. You can always add more spices for flavor later, but if you
cook a lot of crap into the original, youre stuck with it. If you wound up putting steak
tips, beer, and chewing tobacco in, you might want to start over.
Bake the potatoes for an hour at 400 degrees. You can speed this up by microing them
first for about 2 minutes each. Cut the top off lengthwise and hollow them out (just like in
the picture, stupid) . They come out of the oven hotter than a Catholic girl on prom night.
Youll want to wear a new pair of work gloves that you havent gotten too greasy yet.
Scoop out the contents and mix it with a small bit of sour cream, butter, some mixed
raw eggs, and two flavors of your choice. Fold this in slowly so you get a little air inside.
Dont rush it. This takes less time than it does to cheat at strip poker, and guarantees you
dont serve potato bricks. Brush the top with a little olive oil and throw it back in the
skin. Bake it until the top looks crispy.
Be sure to provide a steak knife, otherwise you cant eat the skin. Thats the most
nutritional part.

BALLPARK FOOD
Noted for his over consumption of both food and drink, legendary slugger Babe Ruth
was seen strolling into Yankee Stadium with a blonde under one arm, a bottle of booze in
hand, while smoking a cigar. When asked by a reporter what he owed his good fortune to,
without missing a beat he replied, Clean Living!

THE PHILLY CHEESE STEAK SANDWICH

Depending on who you believe, the cheese steak sandwich was invented at either
Pats, or Genos in Philadelphia. Theyre both good, but this a better one. Why? Two
words, Cheese wiz. They use it. I dont. Enough said.
The taste of a sandwich is the ingredients, but the texture is the bread. For this youll
need a hearty, crusty, 9 to 12 grain whole wheat bread, or roll. Sandwich bread will turn to
mush, and a French baguette will have your date gnawing at her food like a badger
chewing its own leg off to escape a steel jaw trap. A hoagie bun holds up fairly well and
she wont need a chain saw to cut it.
What youll need:
the before mentioned bread,
9 oz. ribeye, sauted
provolone cheese,
pepperchinos
red onion (optional)
Slice the ribeye as thin as possible. You can usually get the market to do it for you.
Most recipes will tell you to put the peppers on the side, this is like starting a rock band
without a guitarist. It might just work, but it still aint rock! Throw a couple good sized
pepper-chinos right on the bread for kick. Chop up a little red onion and add it raw for
crunch. Fill it up with the sauted beef, but not so much that you cant bite it comfortably.
Remember, you look like a trout with a worm dangling out of your chow pipe, with half a
bite of sandwich sticking out. Slice the cheese relatively thick and bake the whole thing at
450 for about 5 minutes.
Serve this with a small portion of deli coleslaw and a pineapple slice. The sandwich is
the meal. These sides are more or less garnish.

MOVIES FOR FOODIES

A lot of food oriented movies have the same reoccurring theme: holding the family
together through traditional foods, and meals. What that tells me is most L. A. and New
York screenwriter families are dysfunctional, and their only family event is the daily meal.
(Big deal, convicts have the same thing) It also makes many foodie movies predictable.
There are some great food movies. Some of these dont have food as a central theme,
but instead revolve around restaurants, diners, or truck stops, etc.
#10. The documentary Food Inc.
#9. Bottle Shock starring Alan Rickman.
#8. Soul Food directed by George Tillman Jr.
#7. The Big Night directed by Campbell Scott in 1996. Staring Stanley Tucci, and Tony
Shaloub.
#6. The Spitfire Grill A drama of social importance.
#5.Chocolat released in 2001, featuring Johnny Deep
#4. 1994s Eat, Drink, Man, Woman directed by Ang Lee
#3. Like Water for Chocolate directed by Laura Esquivel in 1993
#2. Tortilla Soup starring Hector Elizondo in 2002
#1. The best foodie movie made to date Dinner Rush, starring Danny Aiello, produced
in 2000.
Honorable mentions include: Eating Roule, Julie and Julia, Sideways, Whos
Killing the Great Chefs of Europe The documentary Super Size Me, and purely for one
particular scene, the Mickey Rourke, Kim Bassinger film 9 1/2 Weeks.
The question remainsWhy would you even give a hell about these flicks? Because
itll make you look sensitive and intelligent, and possibly even give the false impression
that you care about something other than yourself. Chicks dig that. Besides, in the film
Dinner Rush you get to see some guys get whacked!

CHINESE TAKE OUT

Although Chop Suey was invented by Chinese-Americans, its not a traditional Chinese
dish. It was invented in San Franciscos Chinatown as a fast food to serve prospectors who
couldnt handle real Chinese food. Chop Suey means Mixed stew.

KFCs slogan Finger lickin good supposedly translated to its Chinese franchises as
Chew your fingers off.

BIRD BURGERS
Beef makes you fat if eaten on a regular basis, and gives you bad breath. No matter how
lean it is, it takes a long time to digest. And all the time its being digested, its giving off
fumes in the form of flatulence and halitosis, (a real organ concert). Lions eat an almost all
meat diet and their breath smells like Shaquille ONeals socks after a three-hour workout.
Monkeys have bad breath despite eating very little meat. The halitosis comes from their
practice of constantly playing with their monkey nuggets with the same hands that hold
their food.
In any event, a turkey burger is cheap, lean, and digests fast. It also doesnt contain
much tryptophan so it wont make you pass out during the 4 , quarter like you do at
Thanksgiving dinner.
th

What youll need,

A bag of turkey (or even ostrich) burgers,
Whole wheat buns,
cup apple juice,
light mayo,
Swiss cheese,
Romaine lettuce,
1 teaspoon vinegar,
1 bay leaf,
brown mustard
Cook the burgers in apple juice, vinegar, and bay leaf until slightly crispy. Add the
cheese, melt it. Toast the buns, and very lightly butter the top, and mayo the bottom.
Remove the bay leaf and put it on the burger of someone youd like to watch choke.
Garnish with brown mustard, and lettuce.
You can get away with a beer with this. But dont think youll get a woman to drink
anything but light beer.
If you like the dark imports, forget it. Theres no way youll get her to try that alcohol
infused motor oil. Save the pretentious imports for those English fog monkeys and other
assorted Euro-trash. Try a Boulder Beer. Its an amber ale brewed in Colorado. Imagine
that, actually supporting your own nations products. Tell that to super patriot Glenn Beck
when hes driving his import, to the BP gas station, while drinking a Canada Dry!

BREAKFAST AT TIFFANYS
The Dalit sub-caste in India are so oppressed, and poverty stricken, they regularly eat
rat. In America rather than eat them,we send them to Capitol Hill.

I finished my Swedish pancakes, cooked by a Mexican chef, at the local Greek diner,
while my East Indian cab driver waited outside. All that time, my Asian girlfriend and I,
had to listen to the Russian waitress complain that the damn foreigners are ruining this
country!

TEX-MEX MEATLOAF
For men, meatloaf is the crowned king of comfort food. Its a hamburger sliced as thick
as you like. Its a steak cooked as juicy as you like it. MacnYak, fried chicken, pie and ice
cream are mere jesters dancing in the court of a well cooked meat loaf.
Any man who claims not to like meat loaf, has never had one properly cooked. They
should be forced at gunpoint to turn in their NRA memberships, NFL season tickets, and
at least one of their testicles immediately!
While were talking comfort, let me get momentarily serious and remind you that for
the truly homeless, (and not the addicted) any food is comfort food.
I like mine with fresh mushrooms and light beef gravy. A comfort food however, is like
the comfort of an old friend. Its presence when really needed, is what makes it so
appreciated. If it becomes a reoccurring crutch, it also becomes mundane and boring.
To keep this interesting lets take it south of the barrio, with a few special spices and
ingredients.
What youll need:
3 pounds ground beef
1 can green chopped chilis (chili verde)
1 cup bread crumbs
teaspoon crushed red pepper,
2 eggs
1 can tomato paste
1 package of pepper-jack cheese
Mix the meat with the bread crumbs, drained chilis and raw eggs. Separate this into 3
equal parts that will fit into a bread pan. Lay down a layer of meat in the pan bottom.
Spread a layer of cheese and tomato paste. Repeat this process, but just put tomato paste
on top, no cheese. Remember, this is a meatloaf, not a tribute to Wisconsin. If you want,
throw some chopped cilantro on top, but dont overdo it.
Bake this at 350 degrees for an hour, and let cool for ten minutes.
As a side dish, drain a can of whole kernel corn and fry it in a pan with a little olive oil.
Itll give it a nice roasted taste. Be careful to brown it, not burn it.
Microwave some Spanish rice. Get this from a box, not a can or bottle. The canned stuff

has a consistency somewhere between spackling paste, and drywall mud. This rice is
completely un-authentic, but most gringos dont know Spanish, from Mexican, from
Rican, from Cuban, from Central American.
Important! If youre serving this to a woman named Maria, Christina, or Theresa, forget the freaking rice
and just go the honesty route. Itll be a nice change for you.

As an added touch, you can serve a good Texas beer with this. Pearl, Lone Star, and
Shiner are all good as is Independence Ale, if you can find it. Personally, I wouldnt
serve beer with meatloaf. Its not a gut-bomb. Its an abdomen Atomic blast. Way too
heavy for my taste.
Try this with one of those over priced specialty ginger ales, or ginger beers the yuppies
drink. Blenhiem is good ginger ale, and Old Jamaica is tasty ginger beer. I normally
would never suggest any of these ego-boosting designer swills. The culture snobs from
Arrogantville are already shoving way too much garbage down our craniums, without my
help.

SCHOOL LUNCHES
The U.S. Agriculture Department once suggested yogurt replace meat in school
lunches. The idea was laughed at then. Today we know its a healthy, cheap alternative
source of protein.
Not that it really matters. That blue haired woman in the hairnet is still shoveling
pounds of saltpeter into every dish they serve anyhow.

THE MIDNIGHT PICNIC

For women, there are few things more romantic than a picnic. Mainly because it
involves three things they find absolutely irresistible: a completely unrealistic, fantasy
situation found only in cheap, romance, paperbacks, a man waiting on them hand and foot,
and guilt free junk food.
Im lucky. Ive got a large backyard for a picnic, and an even larger surrounding wall to
keep anyone from seeing me humiliating myself. You dont need a back yard. You can pull
this off anyplace, just so long as its isolated, clean, and safe. That automatically rules out
any city park, the back seat of a taxi, and Christina Aguileras bedroom.
You can have a midnight picnic on a roof top, the floor of an apartment, or the bed of a
pickup truck. Romance is not the place. Romance is the place you make it.
The idea of a midnight picnic is self-explanatory. Late night, and one, or both of you
cant sleep. You hit the Always open, 24/7, robbed twice a week quick mart for
everything. You can usually find almost anything you need here, but its normally cheesy
and overpriced. A lot like living in Vegas. The bottom line is you dont want to be cooking
anything.
You have to keep this simple, or youll be too busy to enjoy it. If that happens consider
yourself caught in female karma. This is where you get payback for all those
Thanksgivings, that you pigged out and watched football while the women cooked,
cleaned, and watched screaming kids.
What youll need:
Sandwiches,
a side dish,
a dessert,
and drinks.
Here are some things that might be available:
wheat bread or rolls,
guacamole spread (they wont have real guac),
cheese slices,
turkey slices,
cottage cheese,
macaroni salad,
a container of fruit,
chocolate cake,
coffee, or sparkling cider (Martinellis makes a good one).
Spread the blanket. Make the sandwiches, open the side dishes, pour the drinks, play
some music, shut up, and listen to whatever she wants to talk about, fain interest, and reap
the reward.
For realism, in the rare instances that she actually stops talking. Nod and say one of
these four things: Really?, Are you serious?, Wow, and that old standby, I just

realized youre even more interesting when Im starting to nod off.

JUST DESSERTS
Cones for ice cream were first used by the French in 1825, but didnt become popular
until the 1933 Worlds Fair in Chicago. Thats probably because the French cones were
allegedly made of cooked cabbage leaves and were called ice cream sloppys.
Today, California is the number one producer of ice cream in the entire nation. Well
now the rest of us finally know what they actually get the munchies for.

CAJUN CRAB CAKES

Crab, like any fish has to be cooked perfectly. Undercook it, and it turns into a type of
fish flavored oatmeal, Overcooked, and its so chewy, its like attempting to eat pre-sliced
cheese, still in the plastic.
As the Norwegians, Japanese, and Taiwanese continue to turn the great oceans into salt
water deserts, crab, or whats left of it, is becoming more and more rare, and expensive.
To deal with this, The U.S. couldve put pressure on them to sign international restraint
treaties. Instead, with the backbone of a gummy bear, our officials simply ignore the
problem.
American ingenuity came to the supposed rescue. Fisheries and marketers came up with
a fake crabmeat. They flavored a fish paste called surimi, and dyed the outer layer a
bright, Kool-aid, red color (to make it even more appetizing). With jumbo, lump crab
selling for almost $40. a pound, and imitation crab going for $4.50 a pound. This crap is
starting to look pretty damn good!
What youll need:
1 pound imitation crab meat,
cup chopped yellow onion
cup bread crumbs,
cup light mayo,
black pepper,
1 tablespoon Cajun seasoning,
cup flour,
1 egg,
1 tablespoon chopped parsley.
Cut the top and bottom off a tuna can. Well use it for our mold. Important! Dont use
a cat food can. That stuffs got so much mercury in it, your stomach will glow brighter than
Lady GaGas vanity mirror.
Mix together the fake crab, onions, bread crumbs, mayo, and a little pepper, (no salt)
and Cajun seasonings. You can find Cajun seasonings at most supermarkets. Dont waste
your time looking for it at the gas station quick mart. Youll only end up buying cheap
beer, and those reclining nude, mud flaps with the red reflector nipples. Trust me, youll
regret that purchase later.
I realize by now, most men have stopped reading, and have turned their attention to using the words crab
cakes to make crude jokes about s.t.ds.

Blend the mix together gently. Like youre trying to hot wire a car, with the owner
passed out in the back seat. If you manhandle this mix, youll end up with fish pudding.
Sure youre cat will eat it, but your cat also spends the majority of its waking hours, eating
rodents, and sniffing his own crotch.
Using the tuna can as a mold, make four or five cakes. If they wont hold together, add a
bit more mayo. Place them in the fridge for 30 minutes. For you guys in the north woods,
thats during the second hockey intermission. But only after Don Cherrys done talking.

Break an egg on a plate, coat each cake with flour. Fry them over medium heat in light
veggie oil. Extra virgin olive oil is too expensive. Lard and butter are fat bombs waiting to
explode in your arteries. That spray pan coating works great, but its too easy to mistake
for underarm deodorant. More than once Ive accidentally rendered my under arms
completely non-stick, and oven ready.
Fry one side with a pan lid on for 4 minutes. Flip them, and cook the other side without
the lid for 2 to 3 minutes. This will make them crispy outside, and thoroughly cooked
inside.
Serve this with some small, boiled red potatoes cut into quarters, and garnished with
some chopped parsley.
Important! Dont serve these on a bun. These arent fish sticks. These are actually good food, not fast
food.

Light white wine, or even a blush (the pink crap) will go good with this. Make sure you
serve this hot. (Not the wine, the fish!) Cold fish is like Paris Hilton. It may look great, but
deep down you know its going to make you sick later.

MAKE A LOT OF DOUGH

Millionaire George Boldt painstakingly took years to construct the Bodt Castle on a
Lake Ontario island. When his wife unexpectedly died in 1904, he became heartbroken.
He abandoned the building, never to return. Few remember this historic romance, but
everyone knows of the salad dressing his chef created, named after the Thousand Island
chain where the castle still stands to this day.

CHILLED SUMMER SALAD

Since you dont technically cook anything in a salad, I suppose I have no right putting it
in a cookbook. However, Im sure theres a poor schnook somewhere who gets completely
lost 2 seconds after putting lettuce in a bowl.
Restaurants serve two basic salads: the first, too little, and the second, too much. The
Too little salad is the so called house salad. Its a handful of Iceberg lettuce thrown in a
bowl with a few cucumbers, sliced so thin you can see through them. The Too much
salad, is called the Chef salad. This includes everything from beef, to boiled eggs, and
whatever else the illegal alien in the kitchen finds at the bottom of the crisper. Didnt you
order a salad to escape the pitchfork full of protein, and animal by-products you normally
ram down your chow pipe?
What youll need:
Chopped walnuts (unsalted)
dried raisins or cranberries
chopped red onion, cubed
Colby cheese, cubed
cooked chicken
chopped banana peppers
chopped Romaine lettuce
The basic idea here is to mix flavors and textures that complement each other, and still
remain healthy. Youll want to mix crunchy, chewy, salty, sweet, sour, and flavorful.
Chop the chicken and cheese into 1/4 inch cubes. Put a 1/4 bolt from your toolbox on
the counter for reference. Chop everything else, (except the lettuce) into bite size pieces.
Thats about 2 fingers across.
You can test this by opening your big mouth. You can easily place 2 fingers in. Only
Mick Jagger, and Whoopi Goldberg, can put 3 fingers in, but then again, they can fit
bowling balls, and small lawn ornaments in their mouths as well.
Theres a lot of flavors here, so you dont really need salad dressing. If its too dry for
you, try a little vinegar, oil, and lemon juice.
Serve this with double chocolate cake, ice cream, chili-cheese fries, and apple pie. Sure
youre on a diet, but lets not go overboard.

FRUIT OF THE LOOM

The Durian fruit (known as the king of fruit) of Indonesia and Southeast Asia is
considered so foul-smelling its illegal to take into a taxi, public bus, or hotel room. Ive
had it, and enjoyed it, while getting beat up by a taxi driver, on a bus to my hotel room.

My gym has the smartest marketing director in the world. At least he knows his
clientele. They offer a deep fried buffet for members only!

COMFORT CASSEROLE
This dish is a type of goulash. These are Hungarian fare and vary greatly in ingredients.
Goulash sounds way too grandma, so I changed the name.
What youll need:
2 cups chopped chicken chunks
1 can mixed vegetables
1 can cream of mushroom soup
cup milk
1 can cheddar cheese soup
1 10-12 oz package egg noodles
cup bread crumbs
Boil the noodles 6 to 7 minutes. Drain the noodles and mix in the veggies, mushroom
soup, milk, and chicken. Bake for a half hour at 400 degrees. Mix the cheese soup and
bread crumbs and spread over the top. Broil it in the oven for 3 to 5 minutes. Watch this
closely. A broiler can turn any dish into the La Brea tar pits almost instantly.
Casseroles are popular because theyre close to complete meals. This ones got carbs,
veggies, calcium, and protein. You can serve this with chilled grapes, still on the vine. Its
looks good and keeps them from rolling into the gravy.
If you want another side dish, try some French bread. Thats the only thing French Ill
ever promote. At one time protestors in Paris torched 1300 cars. Luckily, they were
Peugeots so there was only $200 total damage.
For a wine, grab a bottle of light, white American. You can get a good one for around
12 bucks.
After all this grub, Id skip dessert, but if its important to her, try a scoop of rainbow
sherbet, or a fruit flavored sorbet. This is actually a good test. If she compliments you, she
has a touch of class. If she laughs and asks, What da hell is that supposed to be? She no
doubt thinks wrestling should be on PBS, and that a chameleon is someone who makes his
living telling jokes.

An Arnold Palmer is a drink made from sweet tea and lemonade over ice. To make a
Tiger Woods you mix testosterone with bitters until slimy. Then garnish with sour
grapes, and serve well chilled, on the rocks.

DOLLARS TO DONUTS
The donut was invented in 1847 by Dutch ship cook Hans Gregory, who said he used
his tin pepper shaker to cut holes in the pastry when the crew complained the centers were
raw.

ROAD KILL MYSTERY STEW

This is a great dish to serve the guys. Its hearty, and satisfying. Besides, unless theyre
forced to stop eating to pull a feather from between their teeth, men never ask, Whats in
it?
Since this is mystery stew, you can put just about anything in it. However, you need
three essentials: potatoes, carrots, and (the fat mans finest friend) gravy.
You can make gravy from a roast, but thats way too time consuming. There are
powdered mixes, but if you dont stir them constantly, youll get more lumps than a
Goodwill mattress. Two cans of your favorite gravy should dial us in nicely.
What youll need:
6 to 8 red potatoes. The rule is, red potatoes get boiled, brown get baked
3 cans mixed veggies
1 yellow onion
1 can green beans
2 bell peppers
1 pound stew meat
1 pound of tofu
This is the perfect dish for tofu. I realize most people consider it some alien form of
weird milk-jello. Thats because theyve never tasted it.
They only recognize it from those white bricks of supermarket bird suet, they see
stacked up between the beef tongue and the ever so appetizing swine feet at the local
Mexi-mart. When were finished itll taste like beef, and have the texture of burger.
Coat a large fry pan with cooking oil. Toss in the beef, and cook for 2 minutes. Shove in
the tofu and break it up till it looks like scrambled eggs. Add a quarter cup of water and
simmer for 2 minutes so the tofu absorbs the beef flavor. Wash and micro the spuds for 3
minutes each. When they cool, cut them, and the onions, and peppers into bite size
chunks.
Toss everything including the water from the can of veggies, and the pan drippings into
a large pot. Cook these on medium low. If you have any other left over veggies in your
fridge, chop em, and toss em in. Every veggie is fair game, as long as it hasnt changed
color, or smells like your bath mat.

Turn the heat to low and let it simmer for several hours. The potatoes still have to finish
cooking.
Experts say red wine is a staple with beef. Since youre serving this to a group of guys,
why bother. Give them their choice of 2 drinks: cold beer, or warm beer. Besides, all guys
know about this is: red wine with wienies, white wine with fish sticks.
For a side dish serve a hard roll, and some deli style slaw. For dessert, screw them. Give
them another beer, and hope the game doesnt go into extra innings.

DOG GONE GOOD EATIN

At one time the Cheyenne, Sioux, Arapahoe, and Comanche tribes all ate dog. Although
theyve abandoned the practice, people in Thailand, Laos, and Cambodia still partake in it.

SWEETBREADS
Years ago, I was embarrassed when my wife at the time, Nancy, (or as shes better
known, The Nazi Princess) asked me, What are sweetbreads? I didnt know. Looking
back, I shouldnt have been so humiliated. This was the same woman who also once asked
me, who the governor of New England was? I dont want to cast doubt on her kitchen
skills, but when she bought Buns of Steel. I thought shed written her own cookbook.
Id pray before meals, not for religious reasons, but out of sheer terror.
Every year hundreds of tourists vacation in England and mistake sweetbreads for
bakery items. The English have never been known for preparing good meat dishes, and
with good reason. (As intelligent, charming, and talented as they are) These fog-monkeys
can turn a rib-eye into a hockey mitt faster than you can say indigestion.
Sweetbreads are an attempt to use every part of the beast. Its essentially an eco-friendly
practice. If youre going to kill an animal, use every bit of it. By doing so, you dont have
to kill any more than are absolutely necessary.
Sweetbreads are the meat from the thyroid gland in the neck of cattle. They were
originally called sweet-breath. This was an attempt to make this nasty chunk of gag
reflex sound more attractive. I can only imagine that the first poor slob to order this was
expecting pastry. The name became mispronounced over the years until its present
moniker stuck. Maybe we should just accept it that some things werent meant to be eaten.
Im sure if we sewed this gland into a purse, and put a designer label on it, with an
outrageous price tag, some celebrity non-talent would max her designer credit card, and
prance off with a Chihuahua in it.

BORDER TOWN GUAC

Good guacamole is hard to screw up. But if youve ever bought it in a plastic carton in
the dairy case, you know it is possible.
What youll need:
6 to 8 avocados,
1 tablespoon lemon juice,
cup powdered milk,
4 hard boiled eggs,
1 diced pepper (jalapeo, or poblano),
1 diced tomato,
1 cup sour cream
If you use jalapenos, remove the seeds. Be careful, eating too many peppers can burn
youtwice! Mash the avocados. Mix in the powered milk, and lemon juice. Quarter the
eggs, chop the tomato, and add with the sour cream. Important! Dont substitute Cheese
wiz, mayonnaise, or cream of mushroom soup for the sour cream!

Chitlins or Chitterlings as theyre actually named, are the intestines of young pigs. They
were first served in Shugulah, Mississippi.

CHICKEN TETRAZZINI
Chicken Tetrazzini is a fancy name for chicken and noodles in a cream sauce. However,
it sounds Italian, and anything you can connect to Tuscany is really impressive to the tiny,
over worked mind of the pretentious. Had I worked in the word Venetian, I probably
could have had it on every overpriced bistro menu from Kennebunkport to Marthas
Vineyard.
What youll need:
12 ounces of egg noodles,
2 chicken breasts,
1 package of Alfredo sauce,
1 package chopped mushrooms,
6 ounces of finely chopped parsley,
2 tablespoons butter
Sautee the mushrooms in a tiny bit of butter, brown them, but stop before they get
mushy. Boil the noodles 5 to 7 minutes. Boil the chicken for 25 to 30 minutes and chop it
into bite size chunks. Drain the noodles. Mix everything together in a shallow pan. Bake
for 30 minutes at 400 degrees. Season this with black pepper and oregano.
Serve this with cooked carrots, dinner rolls, and some deli fruit salad.
Important! Dont serve the fruit in the plastic container. Spoon it out into separate
serving bowls. For some reason, women think food taste better if youre forced to wash
more dishes. (If they ever saw the way men wash dishes, theyd spend the rest of their
lives eating directly from the store containers) All this, while any meal women arent
treated to at a restaurant, is devoured while they stand over the kitchen sink in their
apartments.

WORKING UP AN APPETITE
I ate at a truck stop that was so sleazy, they actually handed out joints as appetizers so
patrons would want to eat the crummy food.

sour krauts
In 1456 two German tavern keepers were found guilty of watering down their beer.
Allegedly, they were punished by being buried alive. These are the same cultural geniuss
that gave the world lederhosen and boiled cabbage.

FOODIES, GLUTTONY, AND HYPOCRISY

There are 15 million people suffering from obesity worldwide, while another 2 billion
are on the verge of starvation.
The modern day foodie is often a reincarnation of the 16 century aristocrats who
sought to display their wealth through elaborate and elegant meals.
th

To relegate all foodies to culture snob status is obviously wrong. Only the Id knows
whats truly in the egos heart. A working knowledge of food and nutrition can be
fulfilling, educational, and a good income source. However, if you consider yourself a
connoisseur of fine dining, this can easily leads to a distorted, view of your importance,
and an obsession with pleasure.
St. Augustine believed food should be seen as a fuel only. He viewed gluttony as a sin
against yourself, because you had defiled Gods temple. Essentially, he saw this as
worshipping food over God.
St. Claire and St. Catherine of Sienna actually starved themselves as a penance. (kind
of, anorexic arch-angels, or Christs Kate Moss). Many orders of monks would fast as
an austerity. Certain sects would allow the brothers to drink the beer they produced at the
monastery while fasting. Since it was made from yeast, barley, hops, and water. This was
essentially liquid bread.
Eating, like any consumption taken to extremes, can enslave you to your wants. In an
attempt to show their affluence, King John in 1214, and King Louie the 14 both suffered
from obesity, gout and heart disease. At the other end of the spectrum, Dantes Inferno
describes gluttons as writhing in eternal pain in pools of scummy water drenched by fecal
rain. Many psychologists believe gluttony is a form of O.C.D. stemming from insecurity.
th

So are foodies just arrogant, elitist attempting to flaunt their opulence in the face of the
blue collar masses? Are they timid, misfits attempting to gain acceptance by doing the one
thing, they can do as good, or better than anyone else in the world eat? Or are they
simply the ones whove figured out, that if you have to do something three times a day for
the rest of your life. You might as well enjoy it, and share that enjoyment with others?

Thats the way the cookie crumbles

The absolute worst name ever suggested for a Girl Scout cookieCrusty Monkey Nut
Chewies.

B.C.A.P.
Youve probably heard your muscle-head friends refer to drinking beecap between
episodes of roid rage, and squat thrust reps. You know the guys Im talking about. The
ones that have to wear a Speedo to the beach, and look like 348 balloons tied together.
Beecap is a smoothie on steroids (so to speak).
A smoothie sounds like a euphemism for diarrhea. The word smoothie reminds me of
that greasy liar, with the pencil thin mustache, that stole the good guys girl in all those
movies from the 1950s. It doesnt sound like anything a man should ingest in any way.
Normally, the closest I ever get to health food is chewing the end of a green leafed
cigar. I dont even put an olive in my gin. If I want veggies, I go to salad bars, not bars.
However, in our enlightened, politically correct, non-thinking, conformist society, its
important to at least give the appearance of being health conscious.
Beecap is just beets, carrots, apple juice, and parsley blended together in a drink.
Its bright red with disgusting parsley floaters throughout. It stains anything it comes in
contact with, and later leaves your toilet bowl looking like Dracula forgot to flush. It has
the taste of apple juice and the texture of high pulp o.j. It also can leave bits of green on
your teeth so you may end up looking like that weird uncle of yours that rarely gets out
any more.
Bee cap does however, give you energy, keeps you regular, cleanse your digestive tract,
quenches your thirst, and best of all. It gets everybody off your back who complains about
your crappy eating habits!

NOT WORTH A HILL OF BEANS

The first canned baked beans were sold to the Portland fishing fleet in 1876. Sailors
instantly learned to treasure a sea breeze.

Fattening FOOD?
Obese people have actually sued McDonalds because of their extreme weight. Does that
mean I can sue Playboy Magazine for my carpal tunnel syndrome?

INSOMNIAC SNACKS
Most of my family suffers from insomnia. For years weve reveled in the assumption
that our minds are so active and intelligent, they simply couldnt be turned off at night. Its
much more likely we were kept up by guilt, and fear from crimes perpetrated the day
before.
The truth is insomnia is far more physical than mental. If you cant sleep, it just could
be that you havent done a bit of work all day. If vampires get more done in the day than
you, its probably physical.
No matter what the cause. If you find yourself up at 3:AM watching infomercials for
the Flobee self-hair cutter and checking out Indonesian real estate deals on line, with a
warm, stale beer, and a slice of rubber pizza, this section cant hurt.
If youre going to munch after midnight, at least eat something that will help you sleep.
Serotonin is released by the brain to help the body relax. Foods containing proteins that
promote serotonin release include: rice, potatoes, pasta, whole grain breads, and crackers.
Foods with high levels of tryptophan also promote sleep. These include: spinach, egg
white, soy, crab, halibut, watercress, and game animals.
There are also foods that have a calming effect to promote sleep. Milk, cottage cheese,
seafood, and beans all help.
Digestion (other than drugs) takes about an hour to get a reaction from that slightly
cracked cranium of yours. So as soon as you decide you cant sleep, start cooking. The
Internet porn will still be there when you return.
Snack #1, a cold turkey sandwich with raw spinach, and mozzarella cheese, on whole
grain bread and a glass of milk.
Snack #2, a banana and raw egg smoothie Drop this in a blender, add a packet of
sweetener, and before you know it a smoothie with huevos!
Snack #3, a crab and soy omelet, topped with parmesan cheese, and served with whole
grain bread.
You get the idea. Take one from column A, another from column B, until youve
created something edible that can knock you out without creating too many dirty dishes, or
side effects.
If youre really upset, worried, heartbroken, or depressed, these foods wont help much,
but they cant hurt.
Whatever the root causes of your insomnia, dont be a dope! Dont fall into the trap of
drinking yourself to sleep or using sedatives. The term slippery slope was invented just
for that type of action.

COOL AS A CUCUMBER
In the 1870s African explorer Henry Stanley, in an attempt to lose weight, ate a large
amount of raw pork and allowed a tapeworm to grow in his stomach. When hed lost the
desired amount, he had it removed. The ordeal almost killed him.

DUMPED DINNER
When you get dumped by someone youre secretly sick of, your instinct is to cheer out
loud. (Dont do this in front of them bad form) If however, youre thrown over by
someone you still care about, most men deal with it by getting drunk. Thats stupid. Right
now, youre sad, and heartbroken. After getting drunk youll still be sad, and heartbroken,
but now youve got a hangover on top of it.
Those that dont drink, often turn to comfort food. Thats no good either. How are you
going to meet anyone new, when you look like 200 pounds of lard, oozing out of a sausage
casing?
Heres a brief back-story, and a recipe that might help.
Mac and cheese was invented by two brothers in Paris in the 1790s. Thomas Jefferson
brought it to America, and served it in the White House in 1802. Supposedly the guests
were overheard saying in their English accents, I believe its cheese-tastic! and By
Jove, its positively mac-a-licious!
In 1937 the Kraft Corporation mass-produced the dime store delicacy and soon after,
gained control of all trailer court life on the face of the earth.
You can make this from scratch. Just mix 2 eggs, 8 ounces of sour cream, cup of
milk, and a half cup of shredded, cheddar cheese over 16 ounces of elbow mac and bake at
350 degrees for 30 minutes. But lets be honest. Youre never going to do all that. It takes
too long, and youre too lazy.
Heres the battle plan. Cook a box of mac n yak from the grocery store. (Go all out and
get the expensive box for $2. Mr. Trump). Boil it and stir in 2 cups of cooked, chopped
imitation crab meat, and a handful of chopped shrooms. Dont use canned shrooms. They
get mushy. Top this with a shredded cheese of your choice and bake at 350 for 30.
As a side dish, cut the top off a tomato and hollow it out. Fill it with cottage cheese, and
serve it raw.
Dont drink wine with this. Its way too pretentious. Like wearing a suit to a wrestling
match. Besides, you just got your ass dumped. I was told by someone that drinking may
become habit forming. Probably somebody at my A.A. meeting, but I cant be sure. Im
usually too drunk to remember.

BLESS THIS FOOD

Muslims traditionally fast during the entire month of Ramadan. They dont eat from
sunup until sundown. When they cant see a hair held at arms length, they know its
officially sundown.
Today, radicals substitute the hair, with a detonation wire.
Actually, I know a lot of Muslims. Theyre good, peaceful people. Theyve had their
religion hijacked by extremist in the same way Catholicism been hijacked by pedophiles.
The word breakfast is actually a Muslim term used to describe the first meal before
daylight when they break their Ramadan fast.

GRILLED SALMON
Any man who fishes the back woods, mountain streams, deep inlet rivers, and ponds
knows how to pan fry, or grill fish. This is mainly because its your only option while
camping away from a major GE appliance.
Today tilapia, Chilean sea bass and other deep-water seafoods are popular because
weve fished out all the cod, and a dozen other species that used to populate coastal
waters. The crossover fish that combines seafood flavor and freshwater texture is salmon.
You can grill salmon or fry it, but both have to be done in tin foil, or it dries out worse
than Shirley Maclaines private parts. No matter if youre baking, or pan frying. The only
difference between great taste and something you wrestled away from a seagull is
seasoning.
Clean the salmon and wrap it in tin foil. Keep the head and tail on to keep in the juices.
Cut three or four slits across the sides to let the seasonings in. Rub the entire fish with a
combo of oil, lemon, and Worcestershire sauce. Go easy on the Worcestershire, its strong.
If you want to go the extra mile, powder this with a very light combo of flour, salt, and
pepper, and brown sugar. When its steamed to tender, chop off the head, and tail and
serve on a bed of greens. This means spinach or lettuce, not green beans.
Serve this with some of that 5-minute brown rice you can boil over a campfire. Some
people like this with Hollandaise sauce. Thats like pouring gravy over a wedding cake.
Not a good mix!

LAST DANCE DESSERT

When its truly over, the only reason for the two people to get together is to divide the
CDs, small appliances, and exchange lawyers phone numbers.
Since theres going to be no more trips to this liquor cabinet, (you know what Im
talkin bout) theres really no sense in going to any trouble. This dessert is the most trouble
free youll find. Afterward, instead of her telling her friends how you broke up with her
ala e-mail. Shell be raving about how you went out of your way to make her something
special yeah right.
What youll need:
2 cups milk,
2 teaspoons instant coffee,
teaspoon cinnamon,
1 package of vanilla, instant pudding,
some whipped topping,
a bottle of Patron in case this whole thing goes haywire.
Mix the milk, coffee, cinnamon, and pudding till you have a light consistency. Spoon it
into two nice looking glasses and slop some whipped topping on. Chill it in the fridge till
she shows up. Maybe sprinkle some powdered chocolate over the entire mess.
Important! Dont try to impress her one last time by spraying the whipped topping
directly into your mouth. Its fun at a frat party, dumb on a date, (even a final one).
Serve this with strong black coffee, and a huge slice of self-control.

ID RATHER EAT DIRT

Researchers were once shocked to discover baby elephants eating their mothers dung.
Today they realize during a very short period of the infants life, it has to do this to
survive.
When the mother is weaning the baby off milk, its stomach hasnt the enzymes to digest
solid food yet. The sow instinctively swallows huge mouthfuls of roughage whole. The
baby eats the half digested greens to get vitamins found nowhere else.
* * *
The term French kiss comes from the act of French mothers chewing small portions of
meat, and passing it via their mouths to their weaning babies.
* * *
Small children often ask their PB&Js be folded over. They eat the soft white bread,
and discard the crust. They may not know how to voice it, but the crust gives them a
stomachache later. They subconsciously know not to eat crust again.
* * *
If a child tells you they hate veggies. Try substituting a different vegetable. Dont let
them replace it with junk food, or a starch. Maybe they dont hate veggies. Perhaps they
just cant stomach that particular vegetable.

YOUR DRINK DESCRIBES YOU

Watching the trends in mix drink popularity often reveals a lot about the people that
follow them.
A boiler maker (a shot and a beer) says, I want a fast booze buzz, and Im gonna stick
around and sip this cold beer till I get one.
A tap beer says, Im an average American, Joe-normal, workin stiff, and one of the
guys.
An Import beer says, Im the boss of the average American, Joe-normal, workin stiff,
and one of the guys.
A Light beer says, Im the average American, Joe-normal, workin stiff, and one of the
guys, without the beer gut.
A specialty beer flavored with any type of sugared substance says, I secretly hate the
taste of beer, and would rather be at Starbucks sipping a latte with a six dollar piece of
pastry.
A martini says, God, I hope I look like James Bond when I pose with this ridiculous
martini glass.
A razz-tini, apple-tini, or any other fruity embarrassment, invented in the bowels of
Yuppieville says, God, I hope I can date James Bond.
All the tini dance club staples should be categorized under one name; Wienie-tinis.
Look, if you want candy. Go to the nearest drug store and walk out with wheel barrel full
of Raisinetes, Jujubees, and Junior mints, so you can fall into that diabetic coma you so
richly deserve. If however, you want to hang with the big kids, order something real, learn
to sip, not chug, designate a driver, and keep the fruit, chocolate, and butterscotch to a
minimum. Now youve come to the right place.
Wine says, I actually want to taste this stuff. Getting drunk is just a side effect.
Scotch says, My only good quality is that I make money, and Im so shallow I want
everyone to know it. Scotch drinkers are usually the phony businessman types, alone at
the end of the bar, screaming into a cell phone about how much power they supposedly
have. These freaks are largely ignored by people with common sense.

If youre going to drink anything rainbow colored, with an umbrella, youd better be on
a cruise, and already be half in the bag so you cant refuse it.
There is of course the drink dujour for the sheep en masse. Whatevers been seen
recently being drunk by the pseudo celebrity of the day is essential to them. This week
its a Cosmo for the ewes, and a Manhattan for Billy goats. Stay tuned, these change
almost hourly.

HEALTHY COMFORT FOOD

For some reason, Americans, the French, and the majority of the population of Mexico
believe comfort food has to be drenched in cheese, wrapped in bacon, smothered in gravy,
or deep-fried.
In America alone were turning into a herd of triple chinned, thigh flapping, heart bypass, bloated Bozos. I see college kids with tattoos reading, Does that come with
gravy?
I witnessed a woman putting mayo on her diet pills. Jenny Craigs on the most wanted
list while John Goodmans a sex symbol. This nations got more blubber than the entire
Norwegian whaling fleet.
The childhood obesity epidemic shouldnt surprise anyone. What did we expect to
happen when that cowboy-actor president gave students the option not to take gym
classes, while simultaneously letting fast food conglomerates hawk their artery clogging
Drew Carey Glutton Burgers in school cafeterias? We produced gangs of pre-pubescent,
corn-fed, kids that waddled off in a cloud of heifer dust to gobble up whatever deep fried,
grease filled, Happy-hippo Meal was within their pudgy little grasp.
With this in mind, lets create something that takes you back to a time of no work, and
all play. For most people, thats their youth. For me, its my entire adult life.
Comfort food isnt swanky, its sanctuary. It returns us to a time when there was no
guilt, for there was nothing to feel guilty about. A time when everything was new, and
everyone who knew us accepted us unconditionally. If in fact, a food can take us there.
Lets get there healthy, so we can return often.
What youll need:
2 chicken breast,
1 pkg. potatoes au gratin,
veggie oil,
1 cup bread crumbs,
2 tablespoons butter,
1 can green beans,
1 can carrots
Pan fry the chicken in the veggie oil over medium heat till its evenly browned. Use a
scissors to chop it into bite size pieces. (Dont use your tin snips. Itll taste like motor oil)
Cook the potato mix and stir in the chicken. Mix the butter and bread crumbs and spread
evenly over the top. Bake in a bread pan or casserole dish at 400 F until its crusty.
Serve with the side of mixed carrots and beans, and a glass of cold milk.
Important! The potato mix only has 1 gram of fat, and 82 calories. It does have a full
552 mgs of sodium. Thats a ton of salt! Dont put this on the menu too often.

EAT, DRINK, & BE MERRY

The most common last meal requested by condemned prisoners in America is fried
chicken. It makes sense. The majority of inmates are from poor backgrounds. This
comfort food takes them back to something their mother made for them, back when they
were young and innocent. Isnt that what all people do when facing death? Call out in
some way for their mothers. I know if I was about to take the final ride on the high-speed
train to Injectionville, Id shout the word mother in one form, or another at least once.

EGG F.U. YOUNG

When its over, but she hasnt got the spine to tell you, it puts you in that awkward
position of stupidly hoping, shell somehow overlook your stinking feet, broken promises,
and drunken antics to see the real you. This is an even bigger mistake than whatever you
did, to make her want you gone in the first place. Be honest with yourself. The only good
thing about the real you, is that you had the common sense to hide it for as long as you
did. Ive been there.
Now you need good, semi-healthy food, thats easy to make and will taste good cold,
when you have a hangover. Egg F.U. Young is so easy to make even a cop can do it. Its
basically an omelet that cant pronounce the letter L.
What youll need:
3 eggs,
1/6 cup milk,
5 scallions,
a pinch of crushed garlic,
4 drops of hot sauce,
salt,
pepper,
your choice of one main ingredient (e.g. chicken, shrimp, spinach, etc.).
Mix the eggs and milk. Add all the ingredients. Fry till crispy and serve with sweet and
sour sauce, and a side of brown rice.
Important! Dont top this with cheese, or add a side of bacon. Remember, tomorrow,
youre back on female safari. Eggs, cheese and alcohol make for a toxic carcinogenic
fermenting in your kidneys.
This lethal combo never seems to want to explode till youre in the elevator with the
supermodel. Ironically, it never seems to happen when youre at the gym with your pals
from the pull my finger patrol.
You may have a long memory pal, but that schwinkee of yours doesnt. The faster you
find someone (no, make that anyone) new, the faster you start forgetting about little Miss
Lets just be friends.
When that happens, you can start parking the pink Prius in a new parking space. This

wont help you forget about her, but it will give you a variety of new crap to worry about.

EGG ON YOUR FACE

Jackie Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe each said their favorite dessert was a concoction
called Frozen hot chocolate served exclusively at Serendipitys in New York. Although
both frequented the restaurant often, they mysteriously never once ran across each other.
The Secret Service, and your tax dollars at work.

PROPOSAL SURPRISE
For whatever reason, some men prefer to propose at completely inappropriate times,
and places. These include: the hockey stadium jumbo-tron, by text message while youre
on a date with someone else, or during the work orientation, sexual harassment film. A
proposal should absolutely never be shouted from the other side of the bathroom door, or
written in ketchup on a pork chop and passed across a busy diner to her. I dont care if
shes uglier than a Kansas City beauty queen. Never ever propose on a hand written note,
duct taped to whatever creature you just blew away during hunting season. Likewise, a
womans proposal to a man should never be, Marry me, or get off!
Whats all this got to do with food? A lot of misguided men like to hide engagement
rings in the dessert during a romantic dinner. I hid my ex-wifes ring under a bar of soap,
and she didnt find it for six months. In hindsight, I shouldve hid it in my wallet so shed
find it while I was sleeping.
Hiding a ring in the dessert is particularly dangerous. Women attack sweets like a T-Rex
after a blind hippo. My uncle Sweed once hid aunt Bessies ring in a double frosted fudge
cake. The poor sugar starved, sweetheart, wolfed down a half pound of hot fudge before
two waiters could pull her off the dessert tray. By that time in her feeding frenzy, shed
already devoured the cake, the ring, 2 napkins, and several pieces of silverware carelessly
left in her path on the way to chocolate nirvana. Bessie eventually passed the cubiczirconium after an all you can hold down, 24 hour buffet at a Jewish-Mexican restaurant
named, Kosher Con Carnes.

VACATION BREAKFAST
There are few better feelings in the world than having nowhere to go, and all day to get
there. Like most overworked, overstressed, and overly pressured societies, the only time
we experience this is on those rare and well earned vacation.
A vacation is Gods small gift to the working class. They support the bankers, brain
surgeons, and bureaucrats from Virginia to Vancouver. Its the ultra-thin slice of life that
reciprocates for the sleepless nights, disturbing days, and seemingly endless anguished
hours that precede whatever stressful event is on the horizon.
Lets not drive with our headlights off. The best vacation breakfast is the one served by
someone else. But we cant eat out every vacation day. It wears the shine off the brass ring
of contentment.
This breakfast is fast and easy to prepare, and just a bit exotic. Its an offshoot of
Bananas Foster.
What youll need:
3 bananas,
brown sugar,
butter,
salt,
coffee,
maple syrup
Melt the butter over low heat with a touch of salt, and cup brown sugar. Fry thin
banana slices until light brown.
Serve with French toast, a scoop of vanilla ice cream, and black coffee (to cut the
sweetness). You can also throw some berries on top if you like.
Important! This breakfast is so fattening, you may go up a full shirt size before youre
done eating it. Dont be as dopey as you look, (if thats possible). Enjoy this only on
vacation.

WHAT NOT TO EAT

There are some things people instinctively seem to know, not to eat. Even Stevie
Wonder smells a spoiled fish before sitting at the table. If youre on a date, garlic,
sardines, or blue cheese should be avoided like eunuchs at an orgy. Theres a host of other
items just as obvious, but in the major social events of your life, there are more important
things to stress out about.
First, avoid anything that can be spilled, dripped, crumbled, or slopped down the front
of your shirt. Murphys Law usually applies. If youre wearing white, youll spill tomato
sauce, green pesto, or chocolate sauce. If youre wearing dark colors, itll be Alfredo
sauce, or ranch dressing.
Second, stay away from sloppy foods that force you to do an acrobatic act to keep them
on your fork (spaghetti, linguini, sloppy-joes, etc).
Third, dont overdo it by ordering the six pound Louie Anderson Insatiable Burger, or
the Paul Bunyan Pancake Pounder Platter. That type of super pig-out, may impress your
twelve year old nephews at the reunion picnic, but not here.
If youre picking up the tab, order something just expensive enough to let everyone feel
comfortable to order guilt free. If someone else is buying, it never hurts to order
something moderate and ask, Do you mind if I get this?
Dont get the idea its funny, when you burn someone. Its cheap and tacky, and youre
soon to be, former friends will remember it.

ROAD TRIP SANDWICH

Unless youre disciplined enough to always order the soup and salad combo at every
truck stop, road house, and fast food freak show while on the road, traveling causes weight
gain. As a twenty year veteran of comedy clubs, I can guarantee not even Richard
Simmons with his jaws wired shut can stick to a healthy road diet.
The average person doesnt travel so much as to make this a problem. But you can
travel without putting on the pounds by taking along your own grub.
Dieticians now know that you can eat a protein heavy diet or a protein free diet and
maintain weight, but, mix carbs with proteins and its so long sexy jeans, and say hello
stretch pants.
Heres a sandwich that will turn away your hunger pangs without turning you into
Kevin James stand-in.
What youll need:
whole grain bread,
turkey or chicken slices,
green leafy lettuce,
any type of light sandwich spread you choose,
some crisp bacon, and
a slice of tomato.
Dont forget, tomatoes have a lot of water in them. Dry them out slightly before placing
them on the bread, or theyll make the sandwich limper than (Go ahead insert your own
punch line here).
Toast the bread, slap on the bacon, and Oh screw this, you know how to make a
fricking sandwich already!

DINNER AT THE WHITEHOUSE

George and Martha Washington had a strict regimen of a breakfast consisting of sliced
tomatoes, buttered toast, and tea. If I was eating with a set of wooden, false teeth, I
suppose Id keep a pretty strict diet too.

President Barack Obama drinks a tea called Black Forest Berry Honest Tea. That may
be a bit over the top, but were you seriously expecting him to consume stuff called One
Term Tea, Lame Duck Soup, or Grid-lock Granola?

FIFTY STATES, FIFTY-ONE RESTAURANTS

As a professional comedian all of my adult life, Ive performed in almost all fifty states,
and several countries. Ive always enjoyed finding unusual places frequented by the locals.
Ive had sausage patties harder than hockey pucks, and Alfredo sauce you could patch
pot holes with. But Ive also had some meals so phenomenal that old men gladly sleep in
alleys just to save up enough for the blue plate special.
Ive discovered some great, affordable, fun places. Some may not be the most elegant,
but they all have a few things in common: good food, a nice atmosphere, and a friendly,
competent staff.
Alaska - The Pumphouse Restaurant & Saloon, Fairbanks
Arkansas - The Backporch Grille, Hot Springs
Arizona - Los Dos Molinos, S. Phoenix
Alabama - Five Points Grill, Birmingham
California - Saddle Peak Lodge, Calabasas
Colorado - The Buckhorn Exchange, Denver
Connecticut - Abbotts, Noank
Delaware - Home Grown Caf, Newark
Florida - Stillwater Caf, Naromis
Georgia - The Vortex, Atlanta
Hawaii - Honokowi Okazuya, Maui
Idaho - 4 . Street Bistro, Cour D Alene
Illinois - Giordonos Deep Dish, Chicago
Indiana - Baker Street, Fort Wayne
Iowa - The Machine Shed, Des Moines
Kansas - The Brookeville Hotel, Brookeville
Kentucky - Moonlight Barbecue, Owensboro
Louisiana - Acme Oyster Bar, New Orleans
Maine - The A-1 Diner, Garnner
Maryland - Rubes Crab Shack, Thurmont
Massachusetts - The Bee Hive, Boston
Minnesota - Mickeys Diner, Minneapolis
Michigan - House of Ludington, Escanaba
Montana - Banditos, Virginia City
New Hampshire - Rons Landing, Rocky Bend
Nevada - The Star Hotel , Elko
New Jersey - Country Pancake House, Ridgeway
New York - The Mean Fiddler, Manhattan
North Carolina - 12 Bones Smokehouse, Kingsport
North Dakota - The V.I.P. Room, Fargo
New Mexico - Bob Cat Bites, Santa Fe
Ohio - The Ringside, Columbus
Oklahoma - The Biting Sow, Oklahoma City
Oregon - The Mock Crest Tavern, Portland
Pennsylvania - Brownies 23 East, Ardmore
th

Rhode Island - Trinity Brew House, Providence

South Carolina - Motor Supply Company, Columbia
South Dakota - The Alex Johnson Hotel, Rapid City
Tennessee - The Loveless Caf, Nashville
Texas - The Tip Top, San Antonio
Utah Ciseros, Park City
Vermont - The Blue Moon Caf, Stowe
Virginia - Madams Organ, Washington, DC
Washington State - The Rusty Moose, Spokane
West Virginia - The Irish Pub, Leadsburg
Wyoming - Fire Rock Steak House, Evansville
Wisconsin - The Coffee Pot, Kenosha
Wisconsin - Saxes Genesee, Depot

SANTA ROSA SOUP

Late night snacking is one of the worst things you can do to your diet and general
health. But since youre going to do it anyhow, its important to make it lean, satisfying,
and easy to prepare.
If youre like me, youve no doubt come home so blasted, you spent a half hour trying
to change channels on the microwave with your digital camera. Thats why its probably a
good idea to prepare something ahead of time.
Soups a good idea, because the hot broth is soothing, easy to digest, non-fattening, and
helps most people sleep.
What youll need:
1 can of spicy tomato juice,
2 celery sticks,
2 fresh tomatoes,
chopped cilantro,
chopped oregano,
chopped red onion,
some cinnamon,
1 tablespoon steak sauce,
teaspoon cinnamon,
1 chopped carrot,
vegetable oil

Sautee, (That means fry on low heat) all the chopped vegetables in a fry pan over
medium heat, with very little oil. Add all the spices. Throw everything into a pot with 3
cups of water. When it boils, turn it way down and let it simmer for 30 minutes. Pour it in
a Tupperware container and when it cools, toss it in the fridge.
Next time you stumble home late at night, youll be just a microwave away from chow
time.
Dont top this with shredded cheese, or sour cream. Dont eat it with garlic bread or
Texas toast. Also, dont fill the bowl with a dump truck load of crackers until you turn it
into a mass of vegetable sludge. Food isnt a recreational drug for the overindulgent. Its

fuel for that already overtaxed system of yours.

You dont want to end up one of those poor slobs, so overweight that when they sit on a
bar stool it gives the impression theyre being goosed by a broom stick.

OUR DAILY BREAD

My old man was a great guy. As a rule, he didnt allow children to speak at the dinner
table. The entire family went along with this edict, (proving once again that blank minds
think alike).
Considering the intelligence of my siblings, I now understand why. Until I was twelve I
thought my name was Shut up and eat. Of course I also thought Jesus Christs middle
name was H.

BELUGA CAVIAR
Beluga Caviar is the ultimate paradigm of wealthy arrogance. The roe isnt the product
of the Beluga whale. Its from the sturgeon taken from the Black, Caspian, or Adriatic
Seas. The majority of the time, its also obtained on the black market from poachers.
The Beluga sturgeon can live up to 118 years, grow 18 to 22 feet, and weight up to
5,500 pounds. Maintaining, and harvesting fish this size, could be a tremendous food
source, capable of feeding thousands.
This is a slow growing species, taking from seven to twenty years to reach maturity.
Shortsighted business people kill them for the roe thats sells for $150. to $250 per
kilogram. In fact, some caviar has sold for as much as $25,000 per kilogram.
Ironically, because of over-fishing, most Beluga caught today are between 5 and 10 feet
long, weighing less than 600 pounds. The majority of the fish is ground for use as pet
food, and fertilizer.
America has placed Beluga sturgeon on the endangered species list. The Fish and
Wildlife Service has also banned its import. Despite this, the species continues to be
decimated as poachers, so-called researchers, and wholesalers continue to skirt the law.
The demand for Beluga only exists because of those wealthy enough to afford the
diminishing supply.
The attitude concerning this seems to be, no matter how the environment is harmed, or
no matter how many suffer, the buyer deserves the product because theyve earned it.
If the sturgeon were a farmed fish, capable of replenishing its stocks. Id encourage you
to eat till you sprout gills, and piss fish oil. As far as the consumer goes, it appears the
Marie Antoinette attitude of Let em eat cake, is only surpassed by the Its my cake. Ill
eat it, if I want to, mantra.
Caviar connoisseurs demand it be served cold over warmed toast, or on crushed ice. In
Japan its often served on glacier, or iceberg chips. The toast is to be lightly spread with a
special sweet butter and the caviar itself topped with creme fraiche. Any silverware used
should be made of mother of pearl. Its imperative its only garnished with minced red
onion, crushed, hardboiled egg yolks, or fresh lemon juice. Its to be accompanied by a
Champagne Cosmopolitan.
Whoever decided all this should face the frickin front door, and get a giant wiff of
reality! If you actually wasted your time to immerse yourself in this pompous slice of selfimportance, you desperately need a good, hard slap of normalcy right across your
flamboyant, financially excessive face!
Extinction of any species is definitely avoidable, but attitudes have to change.
Responsibility has to be taken, or this forty million dollar a year industry will self-destruct
as it drives this species extinct. When I read or hear the nouveau riche, and social elitist
rave over the merits of beluga caviar, Im left with no other choice but to consider them
the quintessential examples of selfishness and excess. Id laugh, if it werent so pitiful.

HARVEST POTATO SALAD

Potato Salad can be a fairly healthy and hearty summer food, that is, if you dont drown it
in olive oil, or murder it with mayo. Its also cheap, since the price of a sack of spuds
hasnt gone up since the Roosevelt administration.
What youll need:
2 pounds red potatoes,
1 package chopped shrooms,
1 onion
cup parsley
2 tablespoons vinegar,
1 cup chopped celery
4 tablespoons oil,
3 tablespoons vinegar,
1 teaspoon oregano
4 garlic cloves,
teaspoon lemon pepper
Boil the potatoes. Leave the skin on, thats where all the vitamins hide out. Slice each
spud into about 6 pieces. Throw everything together and mix gently. Dont put the Steve
Austin to this, or youll end up with mashed potatoes your hound wont bother to raise a
leg to.
If this doesnt have enough kick for you, add a bit of crushed red pepper, or 2 teaspoons
of lemon juice.

 sweet as candy
It takes a full forty gallons of maple sap to make just one gallon of real maple syrup.
Likewise, it apparently takes a complete sap to get into the Maple syrup business in the
first place. Im no financial genius myself. I once opened a Big & Tall Mans shop in
Tokyo.

FOOD AS A WEAPON
Throughout history food has been used as a means to get whatever people want. Its
been used for bribes, rewards, and held back as punishment. There have been wars for
land to grow food, and battles for food itself. Food has been used in torture, and as poison.
According to researchers at Singapores Nanyang University, the female macaque
monkeys of Kalimantan Tengah, accept gifts of food up front before allowing the males
sexual privileges. Darwinians may argue prostitution is simply hereditary behavior.
I discovered firsthand how my ex-wife used food as a weapon. Her cookbook shouldve
been titled Condemned by Betty Crocker. Whenever I went to the kitchen, I totally
expected to find a band of headhunters waiting in line, just to dip their darts in her stew.
Once, I realized our dog licked his own privates just to get the taste of her leftovers out of
his mouth.
The fortune cookie is thought to have been a means to transmit top secret battle plans in
times of war, in the ancient east. Omikuji Senbeis (fortune cookies) were written into
Japanese war literature as early as 1818.
Darts and arrows used in Central and South America were rubbed with the poisonous
curare plant. Food poisoning was once used by the Bulgarian government in an attempt to
exterminate gypsies. The Egyptians used plant poisons as early as 3000 B.C. The Greeks
used poisons as the preferred form of capital punishment.
Gregori Rasputin (known as the mad monk), was a noted figure in the court of Nickolas
the second, during the Romanov dynasty of Russia. He was actually born in Oaxaca,
Mexico, and may have been immune to poisons.
Political rivals feared hed gained too much influence over the Czar. They laced small
cakes with enough poison to kill a man. He ate nine with no ill effect. He followed this by
drinking 2 quarts of wine poisoned with cyanide. When this had no effect, they shot him 3
times. He got up, and began running away. They chased him down, and beat him
repeatedly. When he rose yet again, they dragged him to a nearby river and drowned him.
Its argued ancient Roman emperors and aristocrats erratic behavior and short life spans,
may have been from drinking wine from lead vessels. They may have given themselves
lead poisoning.
Under the advice of Kit Carson, the United States tried to exterminate the buffalo, and
in turn, exterminate the Native Americans. In a separate campaign, he had over 5,000
peach trees destroyed in Arizona. The land hasnt recovered to this day.
Buddha knowingly ate poison mushrooms at a dinner in his honor at a peasant familys
home. Rather than embarrass the family, he dined with the intention of regurgitating the
poison later. Unfortunately, his hosts were so impressed with having the famous scholar
over. They talked to him for more than a half hour after the meal. By the time he left and
threw up, it was too late. He became the only person in history to die from being too
polite.
Studies show that the weapon used most often in sexual assaults isnt a gun, but alcohol.

During the 1960s the Russians stopped starving their political prisoners and began a
torture known as the breaking the will method.
Under this system, prisoners were actually forced to eat tiny bits of food every hour, so
that their stomachs would be constantly churning in the pangs of hunger.
Impressionist painters Cezanne, Monet, and Van Gogh all developed neurological
disorders that are believed to have originated from their use of Vermillion green oil paint.
At the time, the pigment was made with lead, absinthe, and mercury. In effect, they
poisoned themselves for their art.

PIE IN THE SKY

The first pie in the face slapstick routine was filmed at the Mack Stennett Studios in
Hollywood in a Keystone Cops silent comedy in 1914.
The first cow-pie in the face slapstick routine was performed by Dookie, and Stinky
Pudmin of Hog-squat, Kentucky in 1921. Both quickly agreed it was a lot funnier on
paper, than on stage. By popular demand, they retired the act, and went back to their day
jobs hosting programs for the E Network.

BACKWOODS APPLE PIE

Theres a thin line between sophisticate and sissy. If youre baking anything in a frilly
apron, and dabbing flour off your forehead with the back of your wrist, youve crossed the
invisible border from Testosterone Town into Metrosexual Station.
You might as well go back to your Lisa Minnelli CDs, and Desperate Housewives
DVD. Its too late for you. If however, you have plenty of gay friends, but keep a strict
ban on sleepovers. In your particular case, read on.
Its great to know how to make a pie. Its got to be a manly pie however. No French
silk, Gooseberry, or Caramel Turtle anything!
What youll need:
a store bought crust, (nobody can tell)
cup water,
8 apples,
cup brown sugar,
cup maple syrup,
cup butter,
1 teaspoon cinnamon,
Peel, core, and slice up the apples. Melt the sugar, cinnamon, and butter in a quarter cup
of water and the maple syrup over low heat, stirring so it doesnt burn. Throw the bottom
crust in a pie tin, and toss in the apples. Pour the syrup mix evenly over it. Place the top
crust over the pie and slice 3 slits in it. Brush some melted butter on top.
Homemade pie crusts all have 3 slits in the top. One to let the steam out, a second to let
the extra butter and cinnamon in, and a third because thats the way your grandma used to
do it.
Thats not my opinion. That phrase was once said by John Wayne. If John Wayne said
anything, just shut up and do it!
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees and cook 15 minutes. Lower the heat to 350, and cook
for another 40 minutes, or less, if you smell heavy smoke, and theres a fireman at your
door with an axe.
There are only three things to serve with apple pie: ice cold milk, coffee, or vanilla ice
cream.
In Wisconsin, they actually top pie with cheddar cheese. Now that I think about it, they
top everything with cheddar cheese. That includes wedding cake, prescription medication,
and French toast.
Important! If you absolutely have to wear an apron, make it a leather welders apron.
Dont wear the face shield unless shes freaky, and digs that kind of action.

IN A PICKLE
Bill Beukelz was the first person in modern times to pickle something. Although my
Irish friends say their ancestors were getting pickled for hundreds of years before that.

I know what thats all about. Im ashamed to say Ive had my battles with the bottle. I
was so out of it once I argued with a cop that I was way too drunk to be speeding.

I once saw a guy so drunk, he stumbled into a confessional and yelled out for someone
to throw him some toilet paper.

DOUBLE BARRELED BURRITOS

If it werent fattening, sloppy, and completely unhealthy, a burrito may have been Gods
perfect food. Dont take my word for it. Ask any salesman, railroad worker, or roadie
whos ever busted hump for 16 hours straight, only to find out the only place open for a
bite to eat is a roadside taco stand, or a roadhouse with an all night kitchen.
This is considering none of us have ever met God. Ive met Bill Mahr, and Im pretty
sure this egotist believes he is God.
A well crafted burrito is an art, equal to anything created by DaVinci, Dali, or Degas.
Theyre hearty, filling, and have a variety of flavor combinations, and best of allthey go
great with a cold Tecate.
What youll need:
2 chicken breasts,
cup Poblano chilies,
cup chopped tomato,
1 bag wheat flour tortillas,
1 can refried beans,
cup chopped onions,
2 ounces pepper jack cheese,
guac or sour cream,
teaspoon crushed red pepper (optional)
If you cant take the heat, leave the red peppers out. Youre not a wimp. Never do
anything you dont enjoy to just to prove yourself. Leave that dumb crap for the
egomaniacs. Chicks are smart. They see through fakes faster than Supermans x-ray vision
saw through Lois Lanes underwear.
Chop the chicken into short strips and pan fry it in a little oil till its cooked completely
through. Cut it open and check to make sure its not pink inside. You can chop up the
Poblano and cook at the same time. Chop up the tomato and remove the liquid. Spread a
thin layer of refried beans on the tortilla. They act as a paste. Toss in the onion, tomato,
chillies, pepper (optional), and chicken, fold the ends, and roll it up. Dont try to roll it too
tight or youll break it open. Top it with some cheese. Dont go nuts on the cheese! Thats
where Dr. Double Chin, and Uncle Love Handles come from. By the way, kid yourself
all you want. But women hate flabby guys just as much as you hate expressing your heart
felt feelings in that emotional talk she demands having during O.T.

If your taste buds have been hanging out in Taiwan, or south of Juarez, throw some
jalapenos in. Dont add those hot sauces from Louisiana. Theyre great in Cajun food, but
theyre vinegar based. They turn food sour, not hot. There is a sauce from So Cal. Thats
more power than sour. Its called Tapitio.
Pan fry this in a little oil till its slightly brown on each side. Put some guac or sour
cream on the side. If people find this too hot, they can add the garnish to drop the temp a
few degrees. A good side is cottage cheese, with some tomato slices.

Grover Cleveland was one of Americas most robust presidents. When told he should
have no more than 4 glasses of beer a day, while campaigning. He replaced his usual 12
ounce glass, with a 32 ounce mug.

STEEL WORKER STEW

Although stew can be made from just about any protein source, the most popular is beef
stew. Beef takes forever to digest, and if eaten more than 3 times a week is fattening. Stew
meat is usually cheap, but thats because its a relatively fatty cut of meat. The obvious
alternatives are chicken or tofu. If youre going to use tofu, you have to use some beef so
it can absorb the taste. Steel Worker Stew is made with chicken and dumplings. Its
satisfying without morphing you into William Shatner.
What youll need for the stew:
1 whole cooked deli chicken with the skin and bones removed.
4 potatoes,
1 tablespoon olive oil,
2 cups chopped onion,
2 cloves garlic,
2 cups of whole kernel corn,
1 can garbanzo beans,
1 can cut green beans,
1 teaspoon ginger,
1 cup milk,
1 bay leaf
What youll need for the dumplings:
2 cups flour,
1 egg,
teaspoon margarine,
teaspoon salt,
cup milk
Buy a cheap cooked chicken at the supermarket deli and rip it into small chunks by
hand. Micro each potato 3 minutes, and cut into bite size chunks. Throw everything in a
pot over medium-high heat (the water from the canned veggies too) and boil. If you need
more broth, add some tap water. If the broth isnt thick enough, toss in a little flour.
Put all the dumpling ingredients in a large bowl and mix until they get a sticky, doughy
consistency. Roll them into balls about half the size of a league baseball. Drop these in the

broth and theyll cook with the stew. Cut one open before serving to make sure its not raw
inside. If you screw up and do serve it raw, tell her its el dente. Act like you did it on
purpose. Women usually fall for that.
Serve with a cold glass of milk.

THE SPICE OF LIFE

The H.J. Heinz Company is said to be the most global of all food companies. Present in
over two-hundred countries, they claim to be the number one, or number two market
position in a full fifty of them.
Heinz was named after Henry James Heinz, who started the company in 1869 in
Pennsylvania.
H.J. Heinz allegedly had 58 varieties originally, but stopped production of ketchup
flavored pancake syrup after protests from the marketing department.

BIG GAME BUFFALO WINGS

A good buffalo wing recipe can make you famous in your neighborhood. Thats based
on the theory that nobody thinks for themselves today. Just rename these, injecting your
name, or your street name and youre in. Pick an adjective with the same first letter as
your first name. So if youre Steve, these become Steves Sensational Wings, If youre
Frank, theyre Franks Fantastic Wings. If youre Leon, change your name.
What youll need:
a large cookie sheet. (Thats the large flat square pan)
2 pounds of wings and those pygmy drum sticks they serve at the bar. (Have you
noticed how tiny these wings are? No wonder chickens cant fly)
cup hot sauce.
stick butter or margarine,
1 cup flour,
cup cola,
teaspoon lemon pepper,
1 teaspoon garlic salt, or garlic powder,
teaspoon salt,
1 teaspoon crushed red pepper
Make these the night before, or very early the day youre going to serve them. Mix
everything except the chicken in a large bowl. Taste it, and adjust the seasonings till it gets
the heat you want. Toss in the chicken and make sure its covered well. Put a lid on it and
leave it in the fridge for 6 hours, or overnight. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Bake on
cookie sheet for 30 minutes, turn and cook for 20 to 30 minutes more.
Traditionally, this is served with celery sticks and blue cheese dressing. Cucumber
slices cool the body much better than celery. Skip the blue cheese. Its fattening, and
makes your breath smell like a cross between a litter box, and a quart of milk left in the
sun for six hours.

THE ELVIS SANDWICH

Outside of the BLT and the PB&J, the Elvis sandwich may be the most famous
sandwich in the world. Despite it being a hunk, a hunk of bloating love. Its a guilty
curiosity everyone should try at least once.
Lets have a little less conversation. Heres what youll need: 1 loaf French bread,
peanut butter, 1 banana, bacon, honey, butter, if you dont use these ingredients, you may
have to return this to sender
Cut the loaf of French bread in half, lengthwise. Hollow out the bottom half. Slap down
a layer of peanut butter. Dont be cruel, use as much as you like; this aint health food. Cut
the banana lengthwise and throw that down. If you need two bananas, go for it. Fry
numerous bacon slices till crispy, for your next layer. Drizzle honey over the entire mess.
Put the top half of the bread on. Butter the top and bottom and fry it like a grilled cheese.
Serve this with a handful of downers and a defibrillator at the Heart Stop Hotel.

SICKO SOUP
Ive rarely been so insulted than when Im sick as a dog, and try to work through it,
only to have some co-worker notice me and say Dont come near me.
I think this is the personality type that would do the same thing if you were injured.
When I recover, I make sure when I see them coming I yell Dont come near me. When
they ask if Im still sick I answer, No, this time its for me. Im not sure if stupidity is
contagious.
In previous generations people didnt abandon family and friends during illness like
congressman running from an ethics hearing. Before she got the label Calamity Jane,
Martha Jane Canary was known as The Angel of the Plains. She saved the lives of
hundreds tending the sick during the highly contagious smallpox epidemic of 1878.
Kindness is a lost virtue in America. Its buried deep beneath a dump-truck load of
selfishness, that the Me generation wrapped itself in, and perpetrated on their offspring.
These greedy, little hip-hop Nazis grew up to be even more self-absorbed than their
parents.
What youll need:
1 red bell pepper,
2 tomatoes,
1 can tomato bisque soup,
whole wheat bread,
Swiss cheese,
butter
Chop the top off the pepper, clean it and boil until half way soft. Chop the tomatoes and
pepper into bite size chunks.
Throw it in the soup, and put in a nice looking, covered bowl or pot. Show up at the
weezers house and make them a grilled cheese and soup.
Youve got to make the grilled cheese at their hose. If you re-heat a g. c. it tastes like
road tar on roofing tiles. Dont get fancy and use some expensive imported cheese. Sick
people need food thats easy to digest, not pretentious crap theyre too stuffed up to taste
anyway, (smell is two-thirds of taste).
Important! As noble as your intentions are, they probably want you to drop off the
grub and get lost. Dont take it personal. Oddly enough, for whatever reason, sick people
usually dont want to socialize between bouts of nausea, and diarrhea.
Dont expect anything in return. This is an investment in friendship, and integrity.
Whenever you do something for someone else, youve actually completed an exercise in
self-improvement. I might even try this type of thing myself someday.

HEALTH FOOD
My doctor told me I could lose weight through daily meditation. I thought he said daily
medication, and downed a Prozac, Demerol Bridge mix. It worked. I was out for 12
hours, and didnt eat a thing.
By the way, be cautious of any surgeon who drops his scalpel on the operating room
floor and shouts, Five second rule!

BIG LEAGUE MENUS

There was a wonderful time in this country when youd attend your favorite sporting
event with the knowledge that youd clog your arteries, weaken your heart, gain 5 pounds,
get completely bloated, and stagger home with a headache from cheap beer.
Today, if youre a football fanatic, or a soccer supporter, you can get anything from
garbage to gourmet at the venue of your choice. Across the nation, fans have demanded a
wider variety, of higher quality foods for the inflated stadium prices. The food service
contracts are so lucrative, companies have responded by upgrading both service and food.
The best dog in sports is the Vienna All Beef served in Chicago. At one time it was
available at both Wrigley, and Comiskey. Its a specialty dog, garnished with pickle slices
and just about anything else you could ask for, served on a sesame seed bun.
Theyve been using 100% domestic beef since 1893, and it shows in their quality and
taste.
For food variety, youve got to go with the Seattle Seahawks Stadium. They serve a
game only menu that offers a Southwest item when the Arizona Cardinals are in town,
cheddar-bacon burgers when they host the Packers, and great seafood for the locals.
Many of their menu items contain zero grams of fat, less than 4 grams of saturated fat,
100% whole grains, and 600 milligrams or less of sodium. You can chow down on Salmon
sliders, Vegie chili, Waldorf salad, and guac with whole grain chips.
If gourmet dining is your deal, the Staples Center in L.A. cant be topped. Youre gonna
pay for it like a college kids first trip to the Mustang Ranch, but this isnt box lunches off
the back of the factory roach coach.
The Kings and Lakers home features four restaurants, San Manuel Club, Lexus, Fox
Sky Box, and The Royal Room. These places have somehow managed to combine the
pretentious, arrogance of the culture snob, with the loudmouth, stupidity of the super fan.
And all for just about five times the normal price! If youre ego is so huge, you prefer this
to the blue collar camaraderie of everyone in the fold down metal seats, you deserve to be
fleeced.
If a hot dog doesnt make your heart pump peanut butter, a brat, or sausage is a step up.
Go to the source. Lambeau Field, and Miller Park in Wisconsin both serve Johnsonville
brats, and Old Wisconsin sausage. Neither competes with Usingers, but both are
authentic, and full of greasy goodness.
For international foods, Dodger Stadium at Chavez ravine (being on the Pacific rim)
offers great variety of Asian fare. Rogers Centre, home of the CFLs Toronto Argonauts
serves an international menu that changes often. They offer everything from Chicken
Souvlaki with Greek salad, to free range bison ribs.
Whatever your taste, my advice is to order regional while at the ballpark. Try the clam
chowder at the Patriots games, The Tomahawk Ribeye while watching the Royals, and of
course the wings while checking out the Sabers, or Bills.
Its a simple rule that hasnt failed me yet. Look to the locals. Theres a reason

hometown food is habit forming.

EGG PLANT PARMESSIAN

Forget all that noise youve heard about boring, bland health food. E.P.P. is tasty,
satisfying, and wont blimp you out like Larry the Cable Guy at an all you can devour,
deep-fried, buffet.
What youll need:
2 cups flour,
1 teaspoon paprika,
1 teaspoon garlic salt,
1 pound egg plant,
2 teaspoons sesame oil,
teaspoon lime juice,
2 teaspoons lemon juice,
2 teaspoons olive oil,
1 jar of tomato sauce
Mix the flour, paprika, and garlic salt and set aside.
Slice the eggplant in long, thin strips. Pat it dry. Important! Dont try to do this with a
shop towel, or toilet paper. Both will have adverse (not to mention embarrassing) effects.
Put some sesame oil on the slices, and dip them in the flour, garlic, and paprika mix. Fry
till crispy. Mix the lemon, lime, and olive oil into the tomato sauce and heat. Pour over the
eggplant.
Serve with a simple salad, a crusty roll, and a light red wine. No need to overcomplicate
it.
If youve done this correctly, the eggplant will have the taste of lasagna, and the texture
of boiled chicken.
As a testament to this, remember, semi-healthy meals give mob hit men the energy to
run down their innocent victims and beat them to an unrecognizable heap, identifiable
only through dental records.

 BEEFCAKE
The Chevaline butcher shop in France (go figure) specializes in horsemeat.

A SQUAB BY ANY OTHER NAME

In Europe (France particularly) squab is a delicacy on the lines of Peking duck, or
Orange Balsamic game hen. In a more practical American society squab is known by its
real name, pigeon. Its White, or King Silver pigeon, and considered a tolerated nuisance
on the lines of field mice, and stray cats.
This is mainly because of our guilt over driving its relative, the passenger pigeon extinct
in 1914. This was a pretty good trick considering how numerous they once were. In the
days of the colonist, it was recorded that when a flock of pigeons flew overhead, they
were so numerous the sky would darken for up to3 straight days.
Getting back to squab as a menu item, theres nothing wrong with eating this, but the
lengths at which these high-minded whore mongers go to justify their actions is amazing.
The charade starts almost at birth. The chick is taken from the hen so it wont develop a
taste for seeds, bugs, and just about anything else this flying garbage-can would be taught
to scavenge.
Theyre placed in a private, climate-controlled, nest where theyre kept on a strict diet
of hybrid corn, and processed berries. These feathered garbage disposals wash this down
with purified, bottled water. So far, the squabs diet is more nutritious than most public
school menus.
On judgment day, Tweety isnt humanely decapitated, quickly shot, or painlessly put
down. Theyre drowned in a fine Cabernet Sauvignon. Ive accidentally come close to
dying this way myself once, but thats another story.
The bird is now plucked but not cleaned. Thats right. This is to be consumed entrails
and all. Maybe this is where the term dirty birdy comes from. The fowl (or should I say
foul) is then coated with a mixture of clarified butter and several teaspoons of Cassis
liqueur.
This is then cooked at 350 degrees for 5 to 8 minutes. The meats tenderness is ensured
because the males are all castrated, and never allowed to fly. Maybe its just me, but since
this is Silver King Squab, thats simply no way to treat royalty.
To consume this parcel of pompous pecker, each gourmet wears 2 napkins. One is worn
from the collar as normal. The second, is a larger napkin worn around the neck like some
kind of weird, white Batman cape. When eating, this is flipped over the head to hold in all
the fragrances. No utensils are used, and gourmets are encouraged to lick their fingers.
The head, neck, and beak are all left intact, and expected to be eaten. Lets hear Rachael
Ray say Yummo to this one.
The group of gastronomic goofballs that thought this up ought to have their taste buds
revoked, and be drummed out of their favorite restaurant with a twenty-one bun salute.

JUNK FOOD
Each box of Animal Crackers has a string on top. This isnt to hold them with. They
were invented in 1904 to be used as Christmas tree ornaments.

BUCKBOARD BISCUITS
Before we start, I realize the name buckboard biscuits sounds like something that
came from a horse.
Every man over the age of 18 should be able to make three things, biscuits, Bloody
Marys, and bandages for numerous unavoidable household accidents. Trust me, the
bandaging youll learn as necessity demands it. And the Bloody Marys will arrive with
your first major hangover.
The secret to good biscuits is to keep them light. Make them wrong and these will turn
out denser than your in laws. When you mix the butter with the flour. Handle it as
carefully as when you do electrical work (without turning off the power first).
What youll need:
2 cups flour,
2 teaspoons baking powder (thats the crap in the red can)
teaspoon salt,
rosemary (Thats not a woman, thats a seasoning),
2/3 cup of milk,
2 tablespoons butter,
some cooking oil.
Mix the flour, salt, baking powder, and one handful of rosemary in a large bowl. Mix in
the butter and milk very gently so you get air inside. If you turn this into road tar, its over!
Pour some flour on the kitchen counter and roll this out till it looks like a fat, snake. Then
cut it into 2 inch slices. Toss some oil on a cookie sheet and throw these on.
Bake these at 375 degrees for about 12 minutes. If your smoke alarm goes off, theyre
overcooked.
Dont get fancy and try to load these up with cinnamon, raisins, or your favorite
chewing tobacco. Were making a biscuit, not a Swiss watch.

AUTHORS NOTE (MAN TO MAN)

The reason you got this book may seem more clouded than Willie Nelsons tour bus.
But before you make any sudden moves that can result in unintentional celibacy on your
part, read on.
Look genius, you were given this book from whatever misguided bar maid, love struck
co-worker, or deluded truck stop minimum wage waitress who thought enough of you to
place some ill-fated faith in your ability to learn to cook.
Of course its more probable, you got this because the guy theyre really after wont
return their calls. That, and the fact they think youre gullible enough to be roped into
attending their next round of their boring, family functions, and they want to have
something good to say about you.
Im not saying youre second best, but lets face it. You and I both know that no matter
how much they claim to love us. The minute Clooney, Pitt, or any old, haggard, multimillionaire, from Ted Turner to Warren Buffett walks in the door, true love disappears
faster than underwear at a Playboy Mansion party.
Maybe for once in your beer-swilling, self-absorbed life, you might consider that
(unlike the times they argued electrical repair, plumbing, or mechanics) she just might be
right. And you well youre still you, and unfortunately probably always will be.
What Im getting to, is that when you get this, instead of yelling, A cookbook! What
the heck kind of quiche eatin, latte drinkin, limp-wristed wimp do you think I am? You
might want to take a big drink of he-man humility and say, Thanks, this will be useful on
camping trips.
Do whatever that beady little frontal lobe of yours tells you, but consider this. A panic
response and she turns on the water works. Then youre in the bathroom late at night,
holding up Pam Andersons poster with one hand.
On the other hand, (no pun intended). Accept it politely and she brags to all her friends
what a great catch you are. Thats right. The same girl friends youll want to have a shot at
when this entire soul mate b. s. goes down the toilet.
Think about it. In time, this horrid, emotional mine field women lovingly refer to as a
relationship is going to slowly turn you into everything you never wanted to be. Why not
take some advice from a poor slob whos ruined more relationships than a bad Hollywood
pre-nup. Ive been there before, and might be able to help you avoid a few battle wounds.

PIG OUT ON THIS ONE

Contrary to popular myth, the pork bi-product Spam isnt short for spoiled ham.

Both the Jewish and Muslim faiths reject pork. Could this be because in the early days
of their religions there wasnt proper refrigeration in these arid regions? Eating pork could
give you potentially fatal trichinosis.

THE SECRET TO GRILLING

Im not a grill master, and never won a throwdown with that Southwestern, Irish, New
Yorker, Bobby Fake. (Im not slamming him. Women flock to this guy like high school
dropouts to reality TV. He must be doing something right. ) I dont care if you have more
moves than Allied Van Lines. I have a few tips thatll help grill a steak that doesnt taste
like it was cut from an animal with a saddle on it.
Every guy I know loves a good ribeye. I dont get it. Filet mignon is a tastier, juicier cut
of meat, and theres no bone to slow down your carnivore consumption carnival.
Heres the game plan. Before you start cooking, pierce the meat with a fork a few times.
Thatll allow the juices to flow. Dont overdo it, or itll dry out. Mix whatever oil you like
with a flavoring of your choice. (es. garlic, lemon pepper, steak sauce, etc.) Be careful
with this. Too much, and you wont taste the meat. Brush the meat, and grill with the oil.
That will keep it from sticking, and add some flavor.
Before putting the meat on the grill, sear it on all sides, in a red-hot pan. Hold it with a
fork, and turn it as soon as it gets some color on it. Watch this really close, its easy to
make this look as appetizing as scar tissue. Searing holds in all the juice. Thats where the
flavor is. Once its seared, place it on the grill. Dont move it. Let the fire give it those grill
marks. This usually takes less than three minutes. Then rinse, lather, and repeat. By that I
mean. Turn it over, cook it, and thats it. Dont press it down with the spatula. That drains
it of juice and flavor. Show some class. Always cook your portion last. Im shocked how
many guys dont get this.

SPECIAL THANKS
Several years ago, I went through some serious health problems. For the first time in my
life these didnt involve gunshot wounds, or STDs.
My wife at the time did what any respectable, loving wife would do she left me.
Since she was already poaching someone elses eggs, it was inevitable. In hindsight, I
understand it. My doctor thought I was terminal. She just got scared and couldnt handle
the situation. However, in an attempt to rid herself of guilt, she told anyone that would
listen that I was faking it, and didnt have incurable cancer. Today its clear; leaving me
was my blessing. Lying about me is her curse.
During that time I felt isolated, and desperate, it was also when I finally learned the
value of character, and kindness. Despite my having more faults than the St. Andreas area,
Ive since, made a concerted effort to try to be a better person. (Considering my previous
personal traits, thats not very hard) Thankfully, the following people taught me the true
meaning of friendship. If I missed anyone, or misspelled a name, I apologize.
Danielle Baker, Theresa Barker, Louis Bahorquez, Anders Berg, Jeff & Faeza Byfield,
Ronn Conner, Lynn Sue Cooney, Nelson Crumbling, Brent Dirksmeir, Roger C. Blair, Jim
Burkman, Tom Crawford, Jan DAtri, Dennis Drake, Gail Castor, Mark Cordes, Mark
Curtis, S.A. Everly, Sheri Francis, Heather Gray, Bob Gustkey, Goldie Garcia, Tom
Grayson, Arturo Garibay, Fay Fredericks, Bob Faith, Adrian Flores, Michele Hanson,
Randy Hausner, Cathy Hausinger, Ray Hinshaw, Kevin Hunt, Stephen Jones, Jerry
Johnson, Elston Jones, Jack James, C.W. Kendal, Kently, Randy Kosanke, Ralph Luhrsen,
Jerry Lynch, Tram Mai, Dobie Maxwell, Eva Mergener, Sam & Cindy Meranto,
Colleen Nedweski-Preston, Brian Muir, Ronn Perea, Barry Patton, Ned Redlinger, Bud
Ruetten, Bert Sass, Erich Sielaff, Tim Siebels, Len Stoudt, Dan Smith, Tom & Lynn Saxe,
Yatti Sonneman, Azroy Salim, Doug Scheffer, Lisa Treible, Bob Wallace, Kate Wagner,
James S. Walker, Ed & John Wasco, Michael Weitz, Jodi Weisberg, Sarah Walters, Al &
Kathy Williams, Peggy Youngers, Chef Robert Yoder.
And especially to all my relatives, and Dr. Chang, Tom Carpenter, Mark Frederick, Brad
& Maragaret Dorn, Rico Gonzalez, Keith & Patricia Ritchie, Brahm Resnik, Mike & Pat
Vogelsang, Jeff Walker, Jessie Wember, Paul Watne, Curt & Julie Zorn.
And of course a very special thanks to that religious, waitress and amateur contortionist
in Oklahoma City. She mustve been very spiritual, she kept calling out to God.

If youd like to see this book made available as an educational tool for preschool and
elementary school classes contact the Department of Education in Washington D.C.
Please use only one syllable words so they can understand you.
If this idea actually appeals to you, you might also want to contact a good psychiatrist
immediately.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

(As if anyone in their right mind cares)
Pete Christensen has been a professional standup comedian for over twenty years.
While touring, hes eaten in every manner of restaurant from fine dining to finally
closed by the Health Department.
He grew up on the mean streets of Bladder-leak, Iowa, where at any time you might fall
prey to vicious gangs of Amish cow-tippers. It was in that hellish ghetto that he earned his
street cred, and the rap name Dopey P.I.G..
Hes educated in Sociology, Merchandising, Broadcasting, Engineering, Journalism,
and the Medical field. He has more degrees than a meat thermometer.
Despite his accomplishments, hes been less than successful in his relationships. In
school, he was voted most likely to trigger a gag reflex. A woman once tried to divorce
him who wasnt even married to him.