The 36 Questions:

Social psychology researcher Arthur Aron of the Interpersonal Relationships Lab at Stony Brook University in
New York developed 36 questions to help people break through each of the intimacy levels. You can do these
with your partner or with friends. I highly recommend them to parents and teens. Keep in mind:

Vulnerability brings people closer. The point of these questions is to have

sustained, escalating and reciprocal self-disclosure. Take time having both people
answer the questions and truly listen to the answers without judgement .

There is no such thing as rapid intimacy. I would NOT recommend doing

these all in one sitting. One per dinner perhaps or one per car ride. Take your
time, savor them, expand on them and see where they take you. One of my
friends and I answer one of these each week.

36 Questions to Bring You

Closer Together
Get to know someone and create a sense of intimacy, in as little as an
hour.
These questions only take about 45 minutes to discussand they almost always make
two people feel better about each other and want to see each other again, according to
social psychology researcher Arthur Aron of the Interpersonal Relationships Lab at
Stony Brook University in New York, who published his results in "The Experimental
Generation of Interpersonal Closeness" in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin
(1997).

You can try these questions with a date, but they're not necessarily only applicable to
fostering romance. You can also try them with people you already know wellfriends,
family members, even long-term partnersto deepen your ties.
Each of you should take a turn answering each question .
Here they are, in order:
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you're going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a perfect day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell you partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it
be?
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything
else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you've dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven't you
done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything
about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner.
Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than
most other people's?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "we are both in this room
feeling..."
26. Complete this sentence "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what
would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them: be honest this time, saying things that
you might not say to someone you've just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone,
what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved
ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What
would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might
handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about
the problem you have chosen.
... and a few variations:

If you could choose the sex and physical appearance of your soon-to-be-born child,
would you do it?

Would you be willing to have horrible nightmares for a year if you would be rewarded
with extraordinary wealth?

While on a trip to another city, your spouse/lover meets and spends a night with an
exciting stranger. Given that they will never meet again, and could never otherwise learn
of the incident, would you want your partner to tell you about it?

Self Defeating Beliefs Questionnaire

Congratulations on choosing to take this questionnaire.
It indicates that you are willing to learn how to challenge your underlying beliefs which
may impeed achievement of your goals.
Complete this questionnaire and "click" on the icon below to calculate your score.
Agree

1.

Love, respect and approval from other people are basic human needs

Disagree

Agree

2.

It doesnt bother me when Im doing something that others can do

better

Disagree

Agree

3.

Punishment does little to keep people in line

4.

I tend to get upset when things go wrong

Disagree

Agree

Disagree

Agree

5.

Other people are the main cause of my bad feelings

Disagree

Agree

6.

Im not afraid to take risks - because if things dont work out, few
things are really awful anyway

Disagree

Agree

7.

I can usually get on with tasks even when they are unpleasant

8.

There are some people I could not do without

Disagree

Agree

Disagree

Agree

9.

We can change the ways we tend to react to life, irrespective of the

kind of past weve had

Disagree

Agree

10. We have a responsibility to help others with their problems

11. Some discomfort and pain is inevitable

Disagree

Agree

Disagree

Agree

12. Better to be safe than sorry

Disagree

Agree

13.

I usually cant feel at ease when I think that someone is unhappy with
me

Disagree

Agree

14.

Im quite happy to try something even when Im not sure I can do it

well

15. There is no such thing as a bad person, no matter how badly some
people behave

Disagree

Agree

Disagree

Agree

16. For me to be happy, my life needs to be secure, safe, and predictable

Disagree

Agree

17. You cant feel good when you live in a sick world

Disagree

Agree

18. I hardly ever think about things over which I have no control

19. I rarely put off doing things

Disagree

Agree

Disagree

Agree

20. I like to get reassurance from others that I have done the right thing

Disagree

Agree

21. I dont think about the past with much regret

22. I can only enjoy life when others who are important to me are also
happy

Disagree

Agree

Disagree

Agree

23. There are many things I dislike, but nothing that I cant actually stand

Disagree

Agree

24.

There is an ideal solution to every problem, if only we search hard

enough for it

Disagree

Agree

25.

The best way to get people to like and respect you is to put them first
and do things to please them

26. I like to be successful at what I do, but I dont see it as a necessity

Disagree

Agree

Disagree

Agree

27.

If someone does me a bad turn, I am still prepared to give them a

second chance

Disagree

Agree

28. I have a right to have my needs met

Disagree

Agree

29. I cant help the way I feel about some things

30. If theres nothing I can do to stop something going wrong, I just put it
from my mind

Disagree

Agree

Disagree

Agree

31. I am quite happy to accept responsibilities

Disagree

Agree

32. I usually seek advice before making decisions

Disagree

Agree

33. I cant change the past, but I can change what I tell myself about it

Disagree

Agree

34. My happiness is dependent on the happiness of others

Disagree

Agree

35.

There is no reason why I should not experience physical or emotional

pain

Disagree

Agree

36. If you cant do something properly, dont do it at all

Disagree

Agree

37. I find it hard to do things that other people might disapprove of

Disagree

Agree

38. I can enjoy doing things even when Im not good at them

Disagree

Agree

39.

If people take responsibility for their wrongdoing, then I see little need
for them to be punished

Disagree

Agree

40. If the world were a better place then I wouldnt need to get upset

Disagree

Agree

41. The more things that go wrong in your life, the less happy you will be

Disagree

Agree

42. I rarely worry about the future

Disagree

Agree

43. I usually make decisions promptly

Disagree

Agree

44. We need a source of strength outside of ourselves

Disagree

Agree

45. The past cant influence me now

Disagree

Agree

46. Its callous to feel happy when others are sad

Disagree

Agree

47. Trying to avoid discomfort will often lead to greater problems

48. I couldnt stand to make a decision and then discover Id made the
wrong choice

Disagree

Agree

Disagree

Agree

49.

What I think about myself does not depend on what others think of
me

Disagree

Agree

50. I tend to compare my performance with that of others

Disagree

Agree

51. People who break the rules deserve what happens to them

52. I can usually accept a situation even when I dont like it

Disagree

Agree

Disagree

Agree

53. People create their own bad feelings

Disagree

Agree

54. I sometimes find it hard to get worrying thoughts off my mind

Disagree

Agree

55. I tend to avoid facing difficult problems and situations

Disagree

56. I dont like depending on other people

Agree

Disagree

Agree

57. An unfavourable past will limit how happy one can be in the present

Disagree

Agree

58.

Involving myself with someone elses problems is a choice rather than

an obligation

Disagree

Agree

59. Avoiding discomfort and pain is a high priority in my life

Disagree

Agree

60. Seeking perfection leads to poor performance

Disagree

Agree

61. I dont feel hurt when I am criticised

Disagree

Agree

62. I tend to avoid things if I cant do them well

Disagree

Agree

63.

If you dont get angry with others and put them right, then things will
never improve

Disagree

Agree

64. To feel frustrated is a part of normal life

Disagree

Agree

65. Human beings can largely overcome the effects of their basic natures

Disagree

Agree

66. I hate taking risks and try to avoid them at all costs

Disagree

Agree

67. I often put off making important decisions

Disagree

Agree

Disagree

68. I dont expect other people to be concerned for my welfare

Agree

69.

You cant change the effects of the basic nature you developed
through your early experiences

70. Its OK for me to get on with my life, even when others are not coping
with theirs

Disagree

Agree

Disagree

Agree

71.

I usually avoid doing anything that might lead to me having bad

feelings

Disagree

Agree

72. There is rarely one right answer to any problem

Disagree

Agree

73. I want others to like me, but I can still feel alright when they dont

74. I usually feel bad when I make a mistake

Disagree

Agree

Disagree

Agree

75. People should not behave in ways that make others unhappy

Disagree

Agree

76.

I dont usually get too bothered when things arent as I want them to
be

Disagree

Agree

77. Practically nothing is upsetting in itself - its the way you interpret it

78. If you worry about something that might be bad, you may be able to
stop it happening

Disagree

Agree

Disagree

Agree

79.

Its stupid to make yourself do an unpleasant task when you could be

doing something enjoyable

Disagree

Agree

Disagree

80. I like to decide things for myself

Agree

81. If something once had a strong affect on your life, then it always will

Disagree

Agree

82. We are all responsible for our own happiness

Disagree

Agree

83. There are some things in life that I simply cant stand

Disagree

Agree

84. To do nothing is usually the worst course of action

Disagree

Agree

85. I rarely worry about what others may be thinking of me

Disagree

Agree

86. I hate to fail at anything I do

Disagree

Agree

87. Too many people get away with their misbehaviour

Disagree

Agree

88. I have a reasonably laid back attitude to life

Disagree

Agree

89. Being happy is a choice that we make

Disagree

Agree

90. I often worry about things that may go wrong

Disagree

Agree

91. An easy life is a happy one

92. I am the only one who can solve my problems

Disagree

Agree

Disagree

Agree
93. It is impossible to significantly overcome the influence of the past
Disagree

Agree

94.

Its good for people to help each other, but this doesnt mean that they
should

95. Life should be free of difficulties, unpleasantness, and pain

Disagree

Agree

Disagree

Agree

96. Its very doubtful that anything could ever be perfect

Disagree

The parasympathetic system is responsible for stimulation of

activities that occur when the body is at rest, including sexual
arousal, salivation, lacrimation (tears), urination, digestion, and
defecation.