Professional Documents
Culture Documents
INTELLIGENT BUT
UN M O T I VAT E D T E E N A G E R
By Dennis Bumgarner,
ACSW, LCSW
www.behavior-coach.com
www.kidsraisedright.com
Int r oducti on
seriously,
they
dont
understand
the
The
rewards,
the
incentives,
the
conscientious parent.
they havent
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doesnt.
lectured, sermonized,
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Even when it
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
Si x Fundamental
Fa cts
Most parents misunderstand motivation. They
r a h- ra h.
I-know-you-can-do-it or Get-in-there-and-make-
encouraging.
You
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Chap te r O n e
Congratulations.
this
kind
of
over-enthusiastic
cheerleading,
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When
you
dont
saying
consequences.
clear as we continue.
that
no
one
responds
to
I am not
external
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2. C a rr o ts a nd s ticks a r e ra r ely
motiv a tion a l.
at a few examples:
unpleasant outcome.
teenagers.
The
United
States,
through
numerous
There are
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you,
done.
The warden,
through
experience,
are
all-too-aware:
3.
mind right. Luke never did get his mind right, and
pe rf or ma nce i s b a ckw a r d s .
behavior.
Our
understanding
following statement:
of
the
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performance.
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minds change.
first domino.
overall goal.
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His parents
homework.
even more.
As a
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homework.
If, like most parents, you hold this belief, then you
case.
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individualis
and
has
significant
is
5.
Moti v a ti on
is
f unction
of
findingthat
motivational.
Truly
motivational
r e la ti on ship .
This
indeed
motivation
is
matter
of
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enlightening,
10
several
oncologists,
numerous
and
pool.
He may well be
weight.
pool.
temperamentally
to
exercise, and the many diets she has used have all
relationship.
or
physically
inclined
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6. O n e pe rs on do es n ot motiva te
a nothe r .
A major focus of my professional work is helping
people enhance their performance, whether those
people are students who wish to raise their grades,
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important to them.
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day will.
S UMM ARY
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Chap te r Two
Wha t ma k es te e na ge r s ch a n ge ?
Mot ivation an d
Ch ange
Which
And as
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Externally-applied
intended.
1.
The
te e na ge r
that
have
Youve
a s s oci a tes
the
v a lue.
meaningful to him.
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consequences
do
motivating.
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r e ad y to cha nge .
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ability.
The ideas in this book assume that your child has the
work.
yelling,
recriminations,
and
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academic performance.
likely what you have been doing and stop it. Read on
And this is an
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Probably the
terms.
When
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their
point
of
view
kills
this
to guide.
you.
acceptance
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time.
grades,
more
privileges,
better
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Indec is iv e n es s
A hallmark of the change process is ambivalence.
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course of action.
performance.
The
former
is
not
1. Pre-Contemplation
2. Contemplation
3. Preparation
If? variety.
4. Action
5. Maintenance
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direction?
relationship?
How?
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dont know).
how
know.
should
you
respond
to
this
contemplation?
You are
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instead
saying:
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genuine motivation.
someone
one-half
does
as
of
motivating
relationship.
Offer no plans or
criticism.
3. Pr epa r a ti on .
Be wa re ! Know this:
She has
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Do not thinkand
Your
4. Action.
change.
When people change, they dont move on a straight
line from their current status to their new behavior.
It rarely occurs immediately, primarily because of
ambivalence and the time required to resolve that
ambivalence. It is not a Ready . . . Aim . . . Fire!
proposition. It is more like a Ready, Im not sure
Im ready, okay I think Im ready, let me get a little
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one of the previous stages, but for the most part she
is moving forward.
more . . . process.
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SUMMARY
She will make efforts that are inefficient or
misguided.
off proposition.
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thats a lot.
5. Ma i n ten a nc e.
When the change has been maintained for six
months, your teenager is in the Maintenance stage.
them
Are in a relationship with someone who is
safe, accepting, and empowering
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Chap te r T h r ee
Key C on cepts of
Mot ivation
Because, as you
of
relationship,
the
key
concepts
are
those
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Rather, it
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from a parent.
motivation.
2. El i ci ta tion i ns te a d of D icta ti on .
But dont
This
with
your
teen
around
the
issue
of
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school
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Our
seen it fail.
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SUMMARY
di r e ction .
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is, you must know where she is, and you cant know
Chap te r Four
Th e Do ing o f
Mot ivation:
Em pat hy
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E mpa thiz e .
Recall the mantra from Chapter Two:
acceptance
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advice when you hear him say things that reflect his
listen to what your teen has to say and then, when you
absence of empathy.
of view is revolutionary.
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you?
unless and until she believes that you have heard and
understood
her
(and,
given
the
nature
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of
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S UMM ARY
The fundamental skill of motivation is empathy.
Make sure your empathy is of the cognitive, not
empathic, variety.
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Chap te r Fi ve
Th e Do ing o f
Mot ivation:
Go als
change-
oriented movement.
completes homework?
question
gets
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at
ones
values,
beliefs,
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Proce s s vs . O utcome .
The biggest drawback with the above goal, the factor
which makes it discouraging, is that is cant be
accomplished tomorrow, or next week, or next
month.
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Pre cis e a nd Be ha v i or a l.
Since the accomplishment of goals is motivating, it is
beneficial to know that they have been accomplished.
Thus it is essential that the goal be stated in a manner
that your teen knows that it has been reached. This
means that the goal needs to be defined with
precision. Ask your child What will you be doing,
or what will you have done, that will tell you that
progress has been made?
Therefore, I will be
behavioral precision.
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term
determined.
can
be
discouraging
and
eventually
S hor t v . lo ng te rm.
As the old saying goes, Nothing succeeds like
success.
of
achievement.
successes
than
one
big
eventual
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Wa tc h y ou r la ng ua ge .
In helping your child craft goals, pay particular
attention to the language that is used by both you and
him. Words are powerfulthe right ones can jump-
Logically,
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Therefore,
For example,
saying:
When you do your homework . . .
is preferable to
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Similarly:
is better than
And:
is better than
If you decide . . .
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S UMM ARY
Goals are critical to the motivation and change
process. To be useful, goals should:
Be focused on process
Be precise
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Th e Do ing o f
Mot ivation:
Ex plor ing
Di scr epancy
Once your child has, with your assistance,
developed some well-defined goals for academic
performance, you are now well-positioned to assist
her in meeting those goals. One of the best ways to
character.
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Chap te r S i x
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all the while being five steps head of the suspect, the
reprimanding, or condemning.
Youre merely
pointing
between
out
inconsistencies
your
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G ood Qu e s ti on ing.
He readily
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better?
If you decide to change, what makes you think
you could?
What does it take in the way of education to be an
anesthesiologist?
What are the requirements to get into college?
Are you currently meeting those requirements?
What are doing or not doing that is preventing
you from meeting those requirements?
How easy is it to get into medical school?
anything
about
your
current
Do
you
have
plan
to
improve
your
performance?
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that disconnect?
Whatever
change.
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that argument.
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Lucas
had
documented
learning
counselor
reminding
her
of
his
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Though
However,
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aware that that was her goal for him, not his, it
limited appeal.
He pursued this
wishes to do.
SUMMARY
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the situation.
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Th e Do ing o f
Mot ivation:
Di sar min g
Re sis tance
When doing a presentation for parents of
teenagers, I commonly ask:
argumentative?
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Chap te r S eve n
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ambivalent.
The good
Advi c e .
When are you open to accepting the advice of
another? The answer is simple and universal: when
absence
of
ambivalence--seldom
describes
the
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not be an argument.
no argument.
Ar gu i n g.
The argumentative adolescent is the simplest of all
parent-child problems to solve. As with resistance,
the solution requires nothing from your child and can
be solved by you alone. Lets examine the dynamics
of arguing.
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a topic; an
In the
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C onv in ci ng.
There is no reason for doing well in school of which
your kids are unaware. They know things will be
better for them if they do well. They know that good
academic performance improves their chances for a
change).
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discrepancy.
immediately evident.
An attractive 18-year-old
him.
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because she had been given the space to, the other
process.
view.
As she
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had failed.
about
him.
discrepancy
between
her
explored
goals
the
of nothing.
and
her
with
performance
and
her
circumstance.
empathized
their relationship.
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vanishes.
S umma ry .
Refuse to argue.
Offer no advice.
Make no attempts at persuasion.
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When Al l E ls e
Fa ils . . .
relationship.
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Chap te r E ig h t
This
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academics.
cards).
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not only are you not going to discuss school, you are
He will be
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back basis.
Fi na l ly . . .
temperament,
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