JEREMY RENNER

(on radio)
Simon, come in, Simon! The evil guys are prepping their evil plane for evil take
off, we don't have much time! Report!
SIMON PEGG
(popping up in field)
I'm here, Jeremy! Right over here, I know I could have stayed hidden since you'r
e on radio but helloooo, everyone! Hellooooooo!
(waves arms)
JEREMY RENNER
Why aren't you hidden in the forest further back? Do our spy gadgets have less r
ange than a fucking Radio Shack walkie-talkie?!? Dammit, this mission is about t
o fail unless somebody does a big movie-opening stunt!
SIMON PEGG
Sorry, I'm only cleared for comic relief plus madly tapping on keyboards and tab
lets. No can do.
VING RHAMES
(on radio)
And my range of skills is limited to standing, sitting, and also tapping on keyb
oards and tablets. Guess we're fucked.
But suddenly TOM CRUISE appears, who was apparently just hanging out in the wide
open empty field in his BUSINESS CASUAL outfit for some reason.
TOM CRUISE
DON'T WORRY GUYS I TOTALLY GOT THIS!!!!
TOM jumps onto the PLANE'S WING and slides to a DOOR and GRABS it! The plane TAK
ES OFF!
SIMON PEGG
OHMIGOD TOM IS TOTALLY HANGING ONTO THAT PLANE IN REAL LIFE HOLY FUCKING SHIT pl
us all the safety harnesses and redundancies and failsafes and all that but stil
l HOLY GODDAMN FUCKING SHIT
TOM CRUISE
SIMON OPEN THE DOOR NOW! I mean first give everyone lots of time to appreciate t
his awesome stunt of course but then OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!!!!
SIMON fucks around on his tablet, opening the WRONG DOOR and then opening a SWIS
S BANK ACCOUNT and opening a MAN OF LA MANCHA REVIVAL OFF-BROADWAY and opening S
ESAME until finally opening the CORRECT DOOR. The rush of air YANKS TOM out of h
is impressive stunt and into a OBVIOUS CGI EFFECT that just kind of cheapens eve
rything.
CUE: MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME!
INT. CONGRESSIONAL HEARING ROOM
JEREMY RENNER is testifying before YET STILL ANOTHER one of those CONGRESSIONAL
HEARINGS that exist solely to BUST MOVIE PROTAGONISTS' BALLS.
ALEC BALDWIN
So in conclusion, the IMF, and in particular Tom Cruise, sucks. Please remember
how much I am shitting all over Tom Cruise's abilities in this scene, for later
reference.
GRUMPY OLD CONGRESSMAN FUCKER
He's right, Jeremy. Plus, it's become tradition to disband or discredit the IMF
in each movie, so once more, we're dissolving the entire organization.
JEREMY RENNER
Damn. But the Avengers, we're still cool, right?
INT. RECORD STORE - LONDON
TOM arrives and exchanges coded spy phrases with the CLERK in the form of a ten-

minute conversation about jazz records.

CLERK
Well, you're either the 27th hipster to wander in here today, or an IMF operativ
e. May I recommend this LP of Duke Missionbriefing and the Covertagents?
TOM enters a listening booth and plays the record which has SPY GIZMO stuff!
RECORDING
Greetings, Mr. Cruise. Your mission, should you choose to PSYCH THIS ISN'T IMF I
T'S THE EVIL SYNDICATE, OH YEEEAHHHHH! Now we're going to gas you to sleep, and
I really don't know why we went to all the effort of making a fake IMF recording
, since we're releasing the gas AFTER tipping our hand.
GAS starts coming in! Outside the booth, SEAN HARRIS shoots the CLERK and GLARES
EVILLY!!
TOM CRUISE
Ooh, you're gonna regret showing your face to me for utterly no reason!
(coughing)
Gas... filling... chamber! Must... punch glass... uselessly!
(losing consciousness)
Must... place... solitary hand... on window... so it can... dramatically... slid
e... downwards!
(passes out)
INT. COLD GREY INTERROGATION ROOM
TOM wakes up SHIRTLESS and cuffed to a POLE.
TOM CRUISE
Either this is the post-shoot cast party or I'm in serious trouble...
REBECCA FERGUSON, JENS HULTEN, and some GOONS show up to TORTURE TOM. But sudden
ly REBECCA knocks out JENS, frees TOM, and they KILL the GOONS! They do not howe
ver finish off JENS since his contract stipulates he can only be killed at the E
ND of the movie.
TOM CRUISE
Um, we haven't met before, right? This is your first Mission: Impossible movie?
REBECCA FERGUSON
Duh, I'm playing The Girl, of COURSE this is my first Mission: Impossible movie.
First, and last. The rules are QUITE specific on that point. Now get out of her
e.
EXT. LONDON
TOM calls JEREMY for help.
JEREMY RENNER
Sorry, the IMF is shut down and Alec Baldwin is after you. Yes, Alec Baldwin. I
know it's pretty much impossible to take him seriously after years of playing Ja
ck Donaghy, but-TOM CRUISE
(dramatically)
Did you say... IMPOSSIBLE?!???
CUE: MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEEEME!!
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - SIX MONTHS LATER
ALEC almost catches TOM, but TOM pulls a SILENCE OF THE LAMBS FAKEOUT and escape
s. Disheartened, ALEC decides to go harass SIMON PEGG, since after disbanding th
e IMF for being foolhardy reckless idiots they went and hired them all for the C
IA obviously.

ALEC BALDWIN
We think you may still be in contact with Tom. Rather than monitor your phone, o
r your email, or do shit the CIA might do, instead I'll just ask you in person.
But with a polygraph! Which no spy in history has ever beaten. So where is he?
SIMON PEGG
You think I care about that asshole? Every movie Tom gets to mack on some new ho
t babe while I just do wacky hijinks. Fuck him! Fuck that fucking fuck!
ALEC BALDWIN
I see the polygraph remained on flatline during that entire emotional speech. Wh
ich tells me you're consciously dampening it and everything you've said is a big
fucking lie. I'll just have to
(leaves)
Back at his desk, SIMON gets Vienna opera tickets in the mail so he flies to ano
ther country to see opera.
INT. VIENNA OPERA
As SIMON arrives a mysterious figure shoves a PACKAGE into his hands. Inside are
IMF SPY GLASSES with a RADIO HOOKUP!
SIMON PEGG
It's a good thing our CIA really hates doing CIA shit like surveilling me, that
was obviously you, Tom.
TOM CRUISE
(on radio)
Listen up. Something's going down here tonight, and I need your help.
SIMON PEGG
Wait, WHAT?!? You mean the opera tickets were from YOU?!?!???? WHAAAAAAAAA?!?!?
TOM CRUISE
(on radio)
Uh, yeah. I assumed you figured that out the instant you saw the tickets, since
your character's supposed to not be a total fucking imbecile.
SIMON PEGG
Yeah, I assumed that too, but apparently not. What's the plan?
TOM CRUISE
(on radio)
I'm convinced that Sean Harris is here to do evil. Since he is a super-clever as
sassin-spy, my theory is he will sit right out in the open with no disguise, so
start scanning the audience.
Meanwhile REBECCA arrives also, wearing the traditional ASSASSINATRIX DRESS whic
h shows plenty of leg while maintaining a dangling length of fabric that ends RI
GHT at the heels, and which would cause any NORMAL person to trip and faceplant
themselves within two minutes of putting it on.
REBECCA FERGUSON
It's true, pulling off spy maneouvres in this klutztrap should be... IMPOSSIBLE!
!
CUE: MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEEEEEME!!!!!
INT. BACKSTAGE
TOM CRUISE
A-ha! Stop right there, Evil Flautist!
EVIL FLAUTIST
Damn, how did you know I was an assassin?!
TOM CRUISE
Assassin? I meant how you arrived the same time as the audience right before the
performance. Have you never heard of warm-up rehearsal, you fuck?!?
They FIGHT on lighting rigs that go UP AND DOWN all comically! TOM is almost def
eated but calls a TIME OUT which for some reason EVIL FLAUTIST actually GOES ALO

NG WITH. TOM WINS!

TOM CRUISE
Hey, his flute is really a sniper rifle, cool! Sure, it's no machine-gun-in-an-a
coustic-guitar, but still.
(activates spy intuition powers)
Fuck, he was going to shoot the Austrian Ambassador when the last sung note of "
Nessun Dorma" happens! Funny he wouldn't wait until the thunderous applause AFTE
R the aria, it would be much better cover. But even though I've stopped HIM, I s
ee Rebecca and an Evil Guard taking aim!
Quickly, TOM wound-shoots the AMBASSADOR before REBECCA can shoot the AMBASSADOR
before the EVIL GUARD can shoot the AMBASSADOR! However the AMBASSADOR gets BLO
WN UP anyway because fuck it, it's only AUSTRIA.
INT. SEAN HARRIS'S LUXURY SUITE
REBECCA reports back to SEAN HARRIS and shows off her VAJ-JITSU FINISHING MOVE o
n a RANDOM HENCHMAN.
SEAN HARRIS
(in menacing whisper)
So, Rebecca. Earlier, back at the interrogation spot, you failed me and let Tom
escape. But I let you live.
(pause)
Now you have failed me again, and let Tom escape, again. And so you give me no c
hoice...
(sinister pause)
...but to let you live. Again.
(shoots random henchman)
Here is your new task. But I warn you, it would be MOST unwise to fail me... yet
again.
EXT. THE DOCKS
TOM AND SIMON'S GETAWAY CAR speeds off, after which TOM AND SIMON step out from
the shadows.
SIMON PEGG
Who the fuck is driving that thing?
TOM CRUISE
Never mind that. During our escape, Rebecca said we could find her if we needed
to. But all we have is this exotic lipstick she left behind... oh I know, there'
s probably some fiendishly intricate clue that only our top-flight spy training
can possibly-SIMON PEGG
Actually the bottom comes off and there's a thumb drive. There are novelty USBs
at fucking Best Buy harder to open than this.
On the thumb drive is the location of REBECCA'S super swanky spy pad!
EXT. REBECCA'S SUPER SWANKY SPY PAD
TOM CRUISE
Remember we're still not sure if we can trust her, so be on your guard and don't
HELLOOOO, SEXY SWIMSUIT BABE!!!
(jaw drops)
(eyes pop out)
AA-OOO-GAH!! AA-OO-GAH!! QUICK GIVE HER ALL OUR PASSWORDS AND BANKING INFORMATIO
N
REBECCA FERGUSON
Careful not to protest TOO much. Anyway, exposition. Hint of betrayal. Sexy over
tones. Mission.

SIMON PEGG
Woah, an underwater room with electronic cards of everyone's security profiles?
That seems extra ridiculous. Surely you mean the CPU is being supercooled, right
? Or do they also store the top-secret chocolate in the sunlamp room?
REBECCA FERGUSON
Nope. The CPU's completely underwater along with all the data storage, which sho
uld get totally fried by water. They also keep their spare keyboards underwater
along with the entire IT department. Plus Accounting. They just fucking love put
ting shit underwater, it's their thing.
TOM CRUISE
We'll do it! Say, perhaps you have a spare superspy wetsuit custom-fitted to an
ACHOOty-three-year-old five-foot-HACKCOUGH man?
REBECCA FERGUSON
Why, of course!
(gets suit)
It helpfully displays how much oxygen you have left in your body. Since the body
is two-thirds oxygen, when the readout hits zero you will suffer total spontane
ous cell death and instantly become a dessicated corpse.
(pause)
Or maybe it magically senses how much air is in your lungs, why not. In case you
don't notice when you fucking drown.
(laughs)
It's almost as if there's some unseen audience, watching your every move, who ca
n't be trusted to know that people underwater eventually run out of breath!
INT. TOP SECRET DATA STORAGE FACILITY
SIMON parades in the front door using his normal face, because the super-hi-tech
biometric identity-confirming security system doesn't have enough memory to sto
re HEADSHOTS. Elsewhere, TOM and REBECCA are sneaking in!
REBECCA FERGUSON
We've got to swap this data-card of Simon's bio-profile for the guy he's imperso
nating, right before Simon reaches the analyzer gizmo. Why we didn't do this ste
p hours ago, I have no idea. Anyway, first I'll move this giant platform thing t
o be directly above the hole leading to the storage room. Then you stand up in p
lain view and jump into it.
RANDOM WORKERS
DORP DEE DORP NOPE NUTHIN' HAPPENING TWO INCHES IN FRONT OF MY FACE, EVERYTHING'
S FINE DORP DEE DORP DORP
TOM jumps and drops down the tube, only weeks after ANT-MAN'S heist that involve
d a freakishly miniaturized man jumping and dropping down a tube. Not sure why t
hat came to mind. Anyway TOM reaches the UNDERWATER ROOM!
TOM CRUISE
Argh, the crazy spinner arm bumped me and now I don't know which is the original
data-card and which is ours! Which, since nobody but us will ever actually SEE
it, I don't know why we didn't make it pink and glittery with "FAKE SIMON PROFIL
E" written in neon. I'll just have to guess... THIS one!
Shockingly it WORKS and SIMON gets the data! However TOM runs out of air... so R
EBECCA leaps in and saves him with no fancy suit or oxygen readout or anything,
so thanks for coming out TOM. They emerge in the DRAINAGE ROOM.
INT. DRAINAGE ROOM! DRRAAAAAAIIIINNN-AGE!!!!!!! (SORRY, DANIEL DAY-LEWIS RUINED
THAT WORD FOR ME)
SIMON PEGG
(rushing in)
Is Tom okay? I got the data though! Look, here it is, in this thumb drive, right
here!
REBECCA knocks him out and takes it, WHAA?! She gets a MOTORCYCLE and races off

chased by SEAN'S GOONS! TOM and SIMON chase the GOONS! There is a BIG-ASS CHASE
that ends with TOM crashing the fuck out of his car for some reason!
MOTORCYCLE GOON
Ah, now I can walk slowly up to the overturned car and shoot Tom and Simon. I'm
going to savour this kill. Yes, plenty of time to leisurely walk over, I'm sure
that 4x4 hurtling towards me will veer off at the last possible
(dead)
JEREMY RENNER
(in 4x4)
Hey, it's me and Ving! Yup, we're still barely in this movie.
TOM grabs the motorcycle and resumes the CHASE! The CHASE is filmed very well an
d it really looks like TOM and REBECCA and TWO STUNT DUDES are doing high-speed
shit! Sure, ONE EVIL DUDE basically gets himself smooshed through sheer incompet
ence and the OTHER EVIL DUDE gets taken out pathetically easily, but still, IT R
EALLY LOOKED LIKE TOM DID THAT!
REBECCA FERGUSON
You won't catch me so easily. Observe, the Casino Royale manoeuver, where the lo
ve interest suddenly appears in the middle of the road!
TOM CRUISE
Arrgh I've avoided onrushing cars at high speed in split seconds, but can't dodg
e a single standing person!! NOOOOO
(crashes)
INT. BAR OF FAILURE
The TEAM slouch in and gather round the TABLE OF DEFEAT.
JEREMY RENNER
Fuck. All the big action set pieces from the trailer are over, and we haven't wo
n yet.
SIMON PEGG
Well that sucks. Now we have to try to build to a climax without any awesome stu
nts, why that's-VING RHAMES
Not now, dude.
SIMON PEGG
--that's gonna be-JEREMY RENNER
Please don'tTOM CRUISE
(dramatically)
--IMPOSSIBLE?!?!???
CUE: MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEEEEEEEEEEMMEEE!!!!!! DUN! DUN! DUN, DUN, DUN! DUN! DU
N, DUN, DUNNN!!!
EXT. BRITAIN
REBECCA meets up with head of British Intelligence SIMON MCBURNEY.
REBECCA FERGUSON
Turns out I've been deep cover for MI6 all along! Hm, maybe we should have saved
MI6 for M:I-6.
(shrugs)
Anyway here's the data disc, which is actually a thumb drive but for some goddam
n reason we call it a "disc" ten thousand fucking times IT'S NOT A DISC PEOPLE,
DISCS ARE ROUND
SIMON MCBURNEY
Yes, well. I know you've blown your cover harder than Ben Affleck's nanny [FUTUR
E READERS: UPDATE AS NEEDED], but I must insist you return to the field, probabl

y to be instantly killed.
REBECCA FERGUSON
Are you just angry because your name sounds like Simon Pegg landing a really goo
d insult?
INT. TOM'S HIDEOUT SPOT
SIMON PEGG
So since I sneakily copied the data on the disc...
TOM CRUISE
THUMB DRIVE THUMB DRIVE DISCS ARE FUCKING ROUND GODDAMMIT
(wrecks furniture)
SIMON PEGG
...er, thumb drive, I've figured out it's actually a list of secret bank account
s full of money. But to decode it we need a code phrase from the PRIME MINISTER
OF ENGLAND, DUN DUN DUNNNNN!
JEREMY RENNER
That means Sean Harris will go after the PM! We've gotta warn him.
TOM CRUISE
No, we can't! That's what Sean EXPECTS us to do! He's anticipated EVERYTHING!
VING RHAMES
Then how can we defeat him?
TOM CRUISE
We DON'T! He's EXPECTING us to defeat him! That would play RIGHT INTO HIS HANDS!
We should all BLOW OUR OWN BRAINS OUT RIGHT HERE AND NOW!!!
(grabs gun)
SIMON PEGG
(soothingly)
All right, it's fine, we won't warn anyone, we'll keep going it totally on our o
wn, solving every problem with outrageous spy stuff, we promise, just caaaaallmm
m down.
EXT. GRAVEYARD
REBECCA meets up with SEAN and the GOONS. She hands over her THUMB DRIVE but...
it's BLANK!
SEAN HARRIS
(in menacing whisper)
So, Rebecca. You have failed me, yet again, and let Tom escape... yet again. And
so, you give me no choice...
(sinister pause)
...but to let you live. Yet again.
(pause)
Here is your new task. But I warn you, it would be REALLY MOST unwise to fail me
... yet again again.
INT. AIRPORT
TOM sends REBECCA a SPYPE MESSAGE to meet at the AIRPORT.
REBECCA FERGUSON
So, here we are.
JEREMY RENNER
And me too! Look, I'm standing over here!
VING RHAMES
And I'm slouched against a wall over HERE!
SIMON PEGG
And I'M presenting a rather inviting kidnap target over HERE!
REBECCA FERGUSON
You have a formidable team, Tom, no doubt. But Sean Harris is super-duper-extraformidable. We should just run away together, you and I.
TOM CRUISE

That sure is tempting. Wait, hang on, don't I have a wife somewhere?
(shrugs)
No matter, I have to defeat Sean. It's my lifelong goal that we only learned abo
ut in this movie.
REBECCA FERGUSON
Very well. Oh by the way Sean has kidnapped Simon, so if you HAD run off with me
, Simon would be totally fucked.
TOM CRUISE
Oh no! Jeremy, run with me after Simon! Ving, try to do one thing in this whole
movie that involves moving around!
VING RHAMES
Okay, I'll walk towards Rebecca so she can't slip away.
(people go by)
Oof! Ugh! Cannot... get... through... modest amount of people! Spy training... t
hwarted... by... random... commuters!
TOM CRUISE
God DAMMIT Ving.
EXT. PHONE BOOTH - LATER THAT NIGHT
JEREMY RENNER
(on phone)
Alec? It's me. Listen, Tom's gone over the edge. I can't side with him any more,
so I'm betrayAH HA HA HA HA HA
(pause)
Sorry, sorry. Like I was saying, I'm totally going behind Tom's back to BWAH HA
HA HEE HOO HEEEEE
(pisses self)
NO NO WAIT, wait, honestly, I am TOTES selling Tom out and BWAH HA HA HA I CAN'T
KEEP THIS GOING JUST MEET US LATER OKAY BYE
INT. BIG FANCY TUXEDO BUILDING THING
JEREMY and ALEC rendezvous with SIMON MCBURNEY and together they get the PRIME M
INISTER alone in a room.
SIMON MCBURNEY
Spot of bother, Prime Minister. Apparently Tom Cruise is after you because of th
at, y'know, thing we did that time.
PRIME MINISTER
What, the ultra top secret spy program that went ROGUE and formed its own NATION
? That then turned evil so we disavowed it utterly? The one that totally justifi
es all of Tom Cruise's crazy actions and thoroughly exonerates him from wrongdoi
ng? That one?
SIMON MCBURNEY
Ha-yup.
PRIME MINISTER
Well I don't see how one deranged superspy can be any threat to ME, an elected p
olitician!
ALEC BALDWIN
(has psychotic break)
You don't understand, sir. Tom Cruise is no mere man, he's a force of nature, na
y, a GOD. He is FATE, he is DESTINY, he IS the one who knocks. He stands ASTRIDE
the MOUNTAINS, commanding the WIND and the STORM. ONE DROP of his ballsweat is
mightier than the RAGING OCEAN, and he has made YOU his mission. One might as we
ll STRUGGLE against the passing of TIME, take ARMS against the very TIDE OF HIST
ORY! He is ALPHA, OMEGA, and ALL CREATION IN BETWEEN, and you are SO HUGELY AND
ALL-ENCOMPASSINGLY HATEFUCKED YOU SORRY PATHETIC BASTARD.
SIMON MCBURNEY whips off his MASK and is actually TOM!
ALEC BALDWIN
Well THIS is embarrassing.

TOM CRUISE
Surprise! I mean, we all knew SOMEBODY had to be me, in a mask, right? Shockingl
y it was the Tom Cruise-sized guy with a face like wet cement. I guess the only
real surprise is there was only ONE mask reveal in this scene.
They DRUG the PRIME MINISTER and get the PASSCODE! TOM then uses his OK-SPYHOSTA
GE account to arrange a trade for SIMON PEGG.
EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO
TOM arrives at the PATIO to find REBECCA and SIMON PEGG, who has changed into a
formal EARPIECE and REMOTE-TRIGGERED EXPLOSIVE VEST for the occasion. Nearby are
JENS HULTEN and the GOONS!
JENS HULTEN
Your team isn't the only one that can stand nearby at evenly-spaced points, you
know. Observe as I menacingly stand over here!
OTHER GOON
Oh yeah, I am standing over HERE like a FUCKING BOSS!
ANOTHER GOON
And you better fucking BELIEVE I am totally STANDING THE EVER-LIVING FUCK out of
OVER HERE!
TOM CRUISE
Rebecca, you're alive, even after you offered to ditch Sean Harris and run off w
ith me?
SIMON PEGG
Yes, Sean just menacingly whispered in my earpiece that since she failed him, ye
t again again, and let you escape, yet again again, he was left with no choice..
. hang on, he's pausing sinisterly... but to let her live, yet again again.
(pause)
But he's also warning her that THIS time, it would be REALLY TERRIBLY MOST unwis
e to fail him... yet again again again.
TOM CRUISE
Well I have bad news for you Sean. I memorized the entire list and destroyed the
thumb drive! So now you have to keep me alive and let Simon go.
SIMON PEGG
Okay, but Sean is saying that we only HAVE the list because we copied it, before
giving it to Rebecca. So why wouldn't he assume we just copied it again?
TOM CRUISE
Simple, because I KNEW that he'd know that I would anticipate his not believing
I'd not think of him anticipating I'd not fail to know to make another copy.
(grins smugly)
SIMON PEGG
(pause)
Okay, he bought it. I'm free to go!
(leaves)
REBECCA FERGUSON
Nice move, Tom. What clever plan do you have for evading the four goons?
TOM CRUISE
I figured we'd just stand up and shoot them... I mean we're out of big stunts af
ter all.
This WORKS! TOM and REBECCA run through the streets, pursued by SEAN and JENS.
SEAN HARRIS
(shooting at Tom)
COME BACK HERE I NEED YOU ALIVE!!
(shoots more)
MY WHOLE PLAN NOW HINGES ON YOUR KNOWLEDGE
(fires rocket)
REBECCA fights JENS one-on-one, eventually DEFEATING him with the exact same fin
ishing move she always uses and which he'd seen firsthand, so WAY TO ADAPT BUDDY

. Meanwhile TOM jumps into a HOLE and SEAN follows, only to find himself in a BI
G PLEXIGLASS BOX, slowly filling with KNOCKOUT GAS!
SEAN HARRIS
Dammit, the classic Bookend-Reversal Trap! Just please don't do the thing whereVING RHAMES
OH YES WE WILL, here's ME standing TO YOUR LEFT!
JEREMY RENNER
And check it out I'm TOTALLY STANDING BEHIND YOU ASSHOLE!
SIMON PEGG
AND ME AND MY SWOLLEN COCK OF REVENGE ARE STANDING ERECTLY TO YOUR RIGHT, DOUCHE
BAG!!!
SEAN HARRIS
Fuck all of you. Well I can still pull one last dick move, by doing the "overcom
e by sleepy gas" shtick better than Tom did!
(passes out)
TOM CRUISE
GODDAMN YOU SEAN
Fuelled with rage, TOM pushes the entire bulletproof steel-jointed cage over ALL
BY HIMSELF into a waiting van. Then he DRAGS THE ENTIRE VAN to CIA HQ with his
TEETH and for an encore does the ENTIRE TWELVE LABOURS OF HERCULES with his LEFT
NUT because he is TOM FUCKING CRUISE in a TOM CRUISE FUCKING MOVIE and THAT'S J
UST HOW THIS DAMN WELL WORKS.
INT. CONGRESSIONAL HEARING
ALEC BALDWIN
Good work, Jeremy. I've reinstated the IMF, since that mega-billion-dollar progr
am can be turned off and on like a fucking lightswitch. Guess we won't be buildi
ng those new schools and hospitals after all!
JEREMY RENNER
And with you in charge, we've managed to add another 50-something actor to our d
ynamic action team where a 44-year-old is the Young Guy. I gotta say, the fact w
e're still considered an top-tier action franchise is kind of, er, aw crap...
ALEC BALDWIN
(turns to camera)
(cocks eyebrow)
...IMPOSSIBLE?!!???
CUE: MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMEE!!!!!!!!!!
END