Another Depression

! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ANOTHER DEPRESSION
! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! A full-length comedy
! ! ! ! ! By Ed Ballou
! ! ! ! !
Copyright 2009, Ed Ballou

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! edballou@icloud.com
TIME: The present. Six consecutive mornings - and one evening - in the lives of the
characters.
SETTING: ORAL HENDERS funky one-room apartment, which doubles as the bar/
entrance to DeTollios Villa, an Italian restaurant, where ORAL works as a dishwasher.
A table, four chairs, a single bed to the side (when the set is the apartment), a night
stand to its side. Along the back wall, a kitchen counter which doubles as a bar in the
restaurant scenes, a single cupboard and a small refrigerator which can function in both
settings, a hot plate. A single window by the door. In a corner, Orals pirate radio
broadcasting studio, which consists of an old desk with equipment on it: a microphone,
headset, meters, and a transmitter comprised of a small maze of capacitors, transistors,
resistors encased in a metal tray - out of which wires lead down to a large battery
setting on a plastic milk carton, which itself sets next to another milk carton full of old
LP records. A large picture of Lester Young playing his saxophone is taped to a side of
the desk.
CHARACTERS: In order of appearance.
TIME - A cartoon figure dressed as an old-fashioned alarm clock, with clock face on
body, head capped with alarm bell - arms and legs sticking out. A low ticking emanates
from his character.
ORAL HENDER - in his 30s, usually wears sunglasses.
HC HONCHO - in his 40s, but large and athletic. He has a military haircut, being an
ex-Marine, and has thick glasses enlarging his slightly crazed eyes. He always has on
an Oakland As summer baseball uniform - although he never gets closer to the playing
field than the bleachers. A bristle mustache dominates his unshaven face, and he
always sounds slightly loaded, which he often is.
DELMORE CRUMMEY - A bowl haircut, rounded shoulders, concave chest, bowed

head, hesitant shuffle - dressed in earth-color pants, faded shoes, and a gray sweater
covered with white dog fur. He speaks in a somewhat uncertain, halting way.
LARA - In her 20s or 30s.
GINO - A macho bartender.
ANNA - Hair all poofed out, rings on all her fingers and one in her nose, dressed like
Salome of the Seven Veils.
THE HUMAN ISOTOPE - Dressed in a tunic with various medals and deputys stars on
it, matching pants with a holster around his waist, no gun, Army boots, and on his head
a satiny rose-colored turban over a colorful kerchief hanging down to his shoulders,
giving the effect of a Bedouin. In the middle of the turban is a large piece of costume
jewelry. He is carrying a large camouflage backpack. Tied to the backpack, or sticking
out of it, are various toy store and Army surplus gadgets: an inscribed powder horn (with
dollar bill inside), a gavel, the stock to an Army rifle, a keychain of small plastic
laminated bills of various denominations, a few brightly-colored star-shaped plastic rings
(resembling electrons around a nucleus) tied in various places, a fluorescent battery-
powered plastic sword that makes an unearthly sound and glow when a button is
pushed, a camouflage canteen, a large indecipherable camouflage lump with red
costume jewels sparkling from it, and topping it all, a black plastic replica of a satellite
dish. The HUMAN ISOTOPE laughs at humor in his comments only he can discern, and
everything he says is stated with a deadpan and serious I believe it face - as if he is
carrying on a normal conversation.
CHEF DETOLLIO - An Italian chef from the old country, dressed all in white, with a big
white chefs hat.
MUSIC: All the music and songs I have referenced in this play are from a Ken Burns/
Jazz CD titled The Definitive Lester Young. I have placed the tracks where I thought
they might be most fitting, especially considering Oral Hender as a jazz DJ who has to
announce, back-announce, or reference, the tracks being played. Another arrangement
of the tracks - or even another Lester Young album - might be just as appropriate for this
play. Also, the volume of the tracks played would depend on the action, and on the
dialogue, in any given scene.
! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-1-1
! ! ! ! ! ! ACT 1! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! SCENE 1
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
AT RISE: ORAL HENDER is lying asleep on his bed, covers pulled up, sunglasses on
his face - TIME, a fancy alarm clock, sits on the floor next to the bed.
! ! ! ! ! ! TIME
! ! ! ! ! ! (Quietly, in ORALS own voice)
Oral...
! ! ! ! ! ! (No response from ORAL. Louder.)
Oral!
! ! ! ! ! ! (No response from ORAL. Even louder.)
Oral, youve gotta get up - its almost time!
! ! ! ! ! ! (No response)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-1-2
! ! ! ! ! ! TIME (Cont.)
Oral! This is your new high-tech alarm clock - youve programmed me to say this - Im
not kidding! - youve got a show to do, Oral! - A Little Lester! - six-to-eight - youve really
gotta get up!
Oral, you programmed me if you didnt get up - I was to holler!
! ! ! ! ! ! (No response. Hollering.)
ORAL!
! ! ! ! ! ! (No response. Hollering louder.)
OH, ORAL!
(No response)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Oral, youve got a radio show to do in.. let me see.. if the big hands on the.. six minutes!
- on the air! KCHL! K-Chill! - gotta big audience waitin for ya! - big morning show to do!
KCHL! Yeah! Oral! On the air, come on, five minutes til airtime!
Stay tuned, Lester People, for the Master Man with the Master Plan, your morning
Lester man, Oral Hender!
! ! ! ! ! ! (No response. A change of tone.)
Oral, this is your mother speaking - mommy? Time to get up, dear - Ive got a great big
bowl of steaming oatmeal for you - just the way you like it, with lots of milk and scoops
of brown sugar! Now get up and wash your face, son, then come down and eat your
oatmeal - before you run out the door and play - this is mother!
Oh, son - mother is so disappointed in you!
! ! ! ! ! ! (No response. A change in tone.)
Oral? Oral! Its Granpot.. whats this all about, boy? - youre not coming down to eat
your mothers porridge? Why, when I was a boy, we had no porridge - it was the war -
rationing! - had to eat ice cubes - great bowls of them! - sometimes get a cube of jello if
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-1-3
! ! ! ! ! ! TIME (Cont.)
the war was going well - get up now, boy! - its Saturday morning and youve got to eat
your mothers gruel, and then take out the garbage and mow the lawn - its Saturday! -
why, when I was a boy, we had no lawn - grass was rationed - sent to the front for the
horses! - just had a patch of dirt and one raggedy old weed - used ta sneak the ice
cubes outta the house and throw them on the weed - that weed lived sixteen years - big
as the house!.. in 53 the ice man went outta control and rammed into it - fell on the
garage and crushed the chickens - we ate good that week! Turn to, boy - right now!
Youre no grandson of mine...
! ! ! ! ! ! (No response. A change of tone.)
Oral.. how do you think I feel about youre not gettin up? Im your alarm clock!
Oral - this is what you bought me for - me! - a Recordak Alarmer! You recorded your
voice on my tape last night, and with the aid of my advanced computer chip, Im saying:
Oral get up!
And now Im supposed to say: Oral, get-the-heck-outta-bed! What are you doing in
there, man? - my word!
All right, you dont hafta give any reason to me - thats right, who am I? Im just a clock -
you bought me - you dont have to listen to me.. so why not just roll over and turn me off
- a tired joke, right? Were tired, both tired.. roll over now, turn me off - whaddya say? -
lets get some sleep!
All right, then, Oral.. this is it! - get your butt up!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Loudly)
THIS IS STATION KCHL! - ITS SIX OCLOCK! - AND WERE ON THE AIR!
! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-4-1
! ! ! ! ! ! (ORAL leaps out of bed, fully dressed,

! ! ! ! ! ! sunglasses on - goes over to the desk which is
! ! ! ! ! ! his studio, grabs a Lester Young record,
! ! ! ! ! ! slaps it on the turntable, cranks it up, turns on
! ! ! ! ! ! microphone)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Whas happenin, Lester People? That was Lester Young, the President of the tenor
saxophone, with Lester Leaps In. And now, heres Lester, again .
! ! ! ! ! ! (Listens to record, as a rising chuckle intrudes

! ! ! ! ! ! on his consciousness - he slowly looks around,
! ! ! ! ! ! focuses TIME, which has begun laughing -
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL puts down coffee cup, walks over to the
! ! ! ! ! ! laughing alarm clock, picks TIME ! up, yanks his
! ! ! ! ! ! plug out of the wall - he stops laughing - he
! ! ! ! ! ! carries him over to the window, throws window
! ! ! ! ! ! open, drops TIME, legs kicking, out the
! ! ! ! ! ! window, looks down, stares)
Great - just what I need... another depression...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Closes window, goes over to his studio, sits

! ! ! ! ! ! down again, rocking to the rhythm of the record
! ! ! ! ! ! as it ends, turns on mike.)
That was Lester Young with Easy Does It . And this is Oral Hender sayin, How you
doin this mornin? Ready to take command, take control? Get up! - get serious! - get
ready for work! - and get ready for the Prez - Lester Willis Young!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Turns off mike, puts on All Of Me .

! ! ! ! ! ! The door downstairs suddenly opens, and an
! ! ! ! ! ! opened six-pack of beer comes sliding across
! ! ! ! ! ! the floor. A VOICE OFFSTAGE mimics a sports
! ! ! ! ! ! announcer voice-over.)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC HONCHO (OFFSTAGE)
That ball is outta here! - no chance for Honcho to get it - but Honchos really turning it
on! - blazing speed! - on the warning track..
! ! ! ! ! ! (ENTER HC HONCHO at a run, TIME on

! ! ! ! ! ! his back, puts down TIME, puts baseball glove
! ! ! ! ! ! in the air, mimicking an outfielder)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! 1-1-5
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
.. he leaps up over the fence.. and snags the ball..!
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC snags an imaginary ball in his mitt,

! ! ! ! ! ! continues his voice-over)
.. falls into the crowd - I dont believe it! - now hes signin the ball.. tosses it to a little
waif with a Rangers cap on - and climbs back down to the field to a standing ovation -
whatta guy - the mans incredible! - Honcho saves another no-hitter!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes over to ORAL)
Hey Oral, man! - guess what fell outta the sky, as I was makin my six AM beer run..!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Holds up TIME, sets him down)
Look what I got.. one o those high-tech alarm clocks! Some fool musta thrown it outta
his window - I barely caught it! - you can program this thing, man - to like, wake you up!
Like, say it goes off and you dont get up - man, if you had just programmed this thing
the night before - it recreates your voice! - and you can program it to say, to say, like
WAKE UP, FOOL!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Starts laughing)
And like, man, if you still dont get up..!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Interrupting him)
Like, shut up, fool! Give me the clock!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
But I just found it, man...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! (HC reluctantly gives him TIME)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Hurling TIME across the floor)
Lets see you catch that, Mister Golden Glove!

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-1-6
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
You mad about somethin, man?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Thats my new alarm clock!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Aw, man, Oral.. I didnt know..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Reaches down and picks up six-pack)
.. musta fallen off the windowsill...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pulls out a beer)
Wanna beer?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
At six-ten AM? No beer - Im on the wagon...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
No!.. for how long?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Rest of the month...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Popping the beer, chugging from it)
You sick, man?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
In my heart, my friend.. sick as a dog.. cause I got no one.. and no one to love...
! ! ! ! ! ! (The music fades - ORAL goes over to his

! ! ! ! ! ! studio)!
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-1-7
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Shaking head sympathetically)
Aw, man.. this could be a long month.. what month is it?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Chugs)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Turning on mike)
And that was a Lester tune called All Of Me.. listen up, Lester People! - if you like bop,
but dont cotten to commercials - dig in your pockets and send a little something to help
keep us on the air.. send your donation to Oral Baby, PO Box 111, Oakland, California,
94603 - it would be much appreciated.. and now heres another tune from the guy who
wore a pork-pie hat - the Prez - Lester Young!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Puts on another Lester tune, turns off mike)
Wheres Delmore?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Mr. Hopeless Dopeless? - he passed me on my beer mission, going for his morning dog
walk - face down, twenty miles an hour, being dragged by his dog - that giant thing! -
how long does he think he can hide that Russian whatever from our landlord? - its not
like its a hamster - I can hardly fit in our tiny dump with that overgrown poodle - looks
like a horse!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Wolfhound.. a Russian Wolfhound - a Borzoi is what it is...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Martian Wolfhound, looks like from Mars.. damn thing just sleeps on his bed all day -
head on his pillow!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
You know how Delmore is about dogs.. and dont forget, right now, hes paying the rent!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Self-employed vacuum cleaner repairman! - vacuum parts all over - and those
vacuums! - I keep bangin my toes!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-1-8
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
At least he works!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Ahhh.. so what?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Guzzles)
That damn dog is his only friend.. cept for you and me...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Swigs)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
So Delmores out for his morning dog drag.. hope he wasnt followed.. because he was
supposed to pick up my mail from my PO box - I need some money!.. and letters from
my audience, if theres still one out there...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Sure you got an audience, man!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Swigs)
Theys peoples out there wants to listen to Lester and your rap and crap... you got the
sports page..?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Swigs)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Thanks for your support and crap... and no sports page...
! ! ! ! ! ! (The SOUNDS of a large dog shaking its collar

! ! ! ! ! ! and itself - the commands Stay! Sit! Lie down!
! ! ! ! ! ! Sit! All right, at least stay!. ENTER DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! CRUMMEY - hes all wet, as if he just took a
! ! ! ! ! ! shower with his clothes on.)! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! DELMORE
Hey.. buds.. um, uh.. are you all..?
! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-1-9
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Yeah, were all, um, uh.. how are you, my friend? - hows the pooch? - sorry she cant
come in - hair might get on my records!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Mister.. Delmore Crummey!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Thats ey- dont forget - ey!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Sure.. youre all wet, man!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Guzzles)
What happened, your pooch mistake you for a fire hydrant?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
I told you - Nanooshkas a purebred!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Seems like I just saw your mongrel dragging you down the street with both your tails
between your legs..!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Well, I.. well, we.. we were walking down the street on her morning walk.. and, as
usual, Nanooshka was looking in all the store windows..! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
.. looking for a dress for the wedding..
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
.. suddenly we were attacked by a very hostile.. dog - one of those.. one of those..
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
.. pit bulls..
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-1-10
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
..Pekinese! - a vicious little beast - possibly rabid! - Nanooshka took off! - with me - I just
couldnt.. um, uh, get the leash off my wrist - the Pekinese chased us about three blocks
- nothing can catch a Borzoi..!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
.. even dragging her master..
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
.. this mad Peke finally chased us up on the hood of this car - barking and leaping and
showing its fangs! - Nanooshka hid behind my legs - it was crowded up there! - I tried
spitting on the little monster, but it wouldnt go! - I cried for help! - but no one came -
um, um - finally I yelled, Fire! Fire! - and, um, uh.. some old lady ran out in her
bathrobe, grabbed a hose, and squirted down me and Nanooshka.. Peke got away in
the confusion...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
You and your dog got a lot in common.. like bein all wet! Wanna beer?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Offers)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Hc.. you know if I drink, I get dizzy...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Delmore, you are dizzy...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Guzzles)! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Delmore - still got my spare key? - on your great adventure, did you remember to check
my PO box? - and did you make sure you werent followed? - the FCC is still trying to
locate my transmitter - tryin to shut me down!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
I checked it before the attack.. and no one ever follows me anywhere...
! ! (Pulls some water-soaked envelopes out of his pocket)

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-1-11
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE (Cont.)
.. spose its money, and girls and stuff...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Snorts)
Couldnt be girls! - why ol Oral hasnt had a girl near him since the year 2000!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Guzzles)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Grabbing the mail)
You dont know what Ive done, Marlboro Man..!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Youve done it alone, long as Ive known ya...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Crushes beer, drops it, rips another one out of

! ! ! ! ! ! six-pack, pops it, guzzling)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
.. yeah, girls and stuff...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Opening mail)
.. all right, money!.. five.. a one.. nother five.. ten! - bless you, Lester Person! - bless all
you Lester People!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Reads a letter)
.. shut down your transmitter, blah, blah, blah.. illegal.. blah, blah.. we locate your
transmitter, we will shut it down, blah.. and will fine you twenty thousand dollars, blah,
blah.. your friends at the Federal Communications Commission...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks up)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Twenty thousand!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-1-12
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Twenty, twenty, twenty.. they take checks?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
The FCC! - shut me down? - never.. never! - they wont find that little antenna! - today
its stickin off the Greyhound bus sign downtown.. climbed up there at three AM this
morning - every night I gotta move that antenna - thats why Im always so dog-tired! -
sorry, Delmore - tonite it looks like part of the sign - might even leave it up there for
another night.. must broadcast twelve square blocks..!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
An audience of dozens..!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Guzzles)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Dont mess with me, HC.. Im gonna fight this thing! - the air waves should really belong
to the people! - not the corporations! - Im gonna fight the FCC - theyre not going to
shut me down - you just watch!!! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Youre doing some good, Oral - people out there really like your show - I hear it all the
time, when they bring their vacuums in..!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
You think so?.. maybe youre right, Delmore...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Opens another letter, reads aloud)
.. I hate you, your idiotic music, and your whole stupid Lester show - how did a jerk like
you ever get on the air?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Crumples the letter, tosses it, tears open

! ! ! ! ! ! another one, reads)
.. I like your style, Oral Baby, really dig your sounds..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks up)
Thats more like it!

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-1-13
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL (Cont.)
! ! ! ! ! ! (Reads more)
.. and Im free tonite.. Bruce on the Loose, 744-7414..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Crumples letter, drops it)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Dinner for two, Oral?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Guzzles)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
It takes all kinds to make a world, HC...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Thank you, Mister Living Proof!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Were all three of us, living proof...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Holds the last letter up to his forehead)
.. and the answer is.. Holding on by my fingertips!.. and the question is...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Rips open letter, reads)
How are you doing, Oral?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Snorts)
How am I doing? Fine! Dishwash at DeTollios Villa at night, play Lester Young tunes
probably nobody hears in the mornin.. and hang out with two escapees from a mental
ward and a dog that looks like a goat - oh, Im peaking! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! (Reads letter further)
.. I am sending you two dollars..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Holds them up)

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-1-14
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL (Cont.)
.. to encourage you to keep on playing Lester Young.. your show makes me feel good,
and I am so looking forward to hearing your show at work today at the Big City Bakery..
Id really like to meet you sometime, and tour your broadcast studio - if only I had the
address.. but play I Aint Got Nobody for me, will you? - Lara...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Slowly puts letter down)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Lara! Mama! Talk to me!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
A female.. for Oral!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Chill, will you? - you guys could blow everything...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Climbs up ladder to turntable, fades out

! ! ! ! ! ! current record)
How could I ever have Lara over here at the.. Prez Studios?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks for the record in his milk cartons of

! ! ! ! ! ! records)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Prez what..?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Well help on her tour!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Just wait until she meets me.. after her swoon, youll revive her, shell look up into your
eyes, and the rest will be history.. the least I can do for a guy whos about to give me
some beer money!! ! ! ! ORAL! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! (Finding the record, putting it on turntable,
! ! ! ! ! ! starting it up)
I am?! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-1-15
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
You is! - because Im your buddy - and Delmores your buddy - were all buddies, and
you just came into some bucks, and buddies share with buddies!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Drains beer, crushes it, tosses it on table, pulls

! ! ! ! ! ! out last beer, pops it, crushes six-pack carton -
! ! ! ! ! ! throws it at DELMORE)
.. and because you wanna get rid of us while you do your rap to little Lara over the air...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Does a Stanley Kowalski Stella!)
La-ra! LA-RA!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Why am I going? - I just got back...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Because youre down to your last fifty pounds of circus food, which should only last your
elephant an hour - not enough left for your late-night candlelight dinner with Bimbo...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Borzoi! Borzoi!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Bimbo! Bimbo!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
I think I will take you up on that beer offer...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Hands HC a few of the dollars he just got)
.. your logic is overwhelming...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pocketing beer money, holding up last beer)
One beer has a range of about four blocks - gets us within shouting distance of the
7-11 - come, Delmore, my man - time for another beer run - let us depart!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-1-16
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
What about dinner?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Perhaps we shall dine with our good friend, Oral, tonight - and Lara, if she shows..
Italian cuisine, I suspect.. leftovers from DeTollios...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
You guys are leftover.. from the Ice Age...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses at the door)
You should get out too, Oral.. why dont you truck on down to the Big City Bakery? - get
you a little muffin...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Laughs, guzzles, EXITS)
La-ra! LA-RA!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses at door)
All that ex-Marine knows is beer and baseball.. listen, Oral.. dont let this pass.. this Lara
- go for her! - you dont wanna be like us.. guys with no girls and no hope of ever getting
any.. Lara.. come on, Oral - give it a shot!
! ! ! ! ! ! (DELMORE EXITS. ORAL goes over to his

! ! ! ! ! ! studio, listens to the Lester Young tune.
! ! ! ! ! ! Outside, the commands, Come.. come! Come
! ! ! ! ! ! on! All right, stay! Stay! Then come! Stay! Do
! ! ! ! ! ! something! A short pause. Good dog.. Ill
! ! ! ! ! ! clean it up later, HC.. now come on,
! ! ! ! ! ! Nanooshka! ORAL stares off as the record
! ! ! ! ! ! ends - turns on his mike)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
And that was Lester Young doing I Aint Got Nobody, for a little lady down at the Big
City Bakery.. bake us some bread, miss, and bring it on up to us here at the Prez
Studios..
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-1-17
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL (Cont.)
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks around furtively, then sotto voce into the

! ! ! ! ! ! mike)
.. 453 Broadway, second floor, suite number one...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Puts on a mournful Lester Young record)
.. and now this is Oral Baby sayin.. be lookin for all you Lester People out there...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Turns off mike, sits back in chair, stares off)
Lara... Lara..!
! ! ! ! ! ! (The record plays on, as the SCENE ENDS)
! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-2-1
! ! ! ! ! ! SCENE 2
SCENE: ORALS apartment. The next morning. ORAL is lying fully clothed on top of his
bed, sunglasses staring at the ceiling. TIME peers down at him from the night stand.)
! ! ! ! ! ! TIME
Oral Baby - you better get up and do your show - now!
! ! ! ! ! ! (No response from ORAL. TIME jumps off the

! ! ! ! ! ! night stand, stands over ORAL - a change of
! ! ! ! ! ! voice)
You better listen to me, podner - cause Im big - yeah, real big! - and tough, boy, strong -
mean! Come on, now, kid - get your butt in gear!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Cattle SOUNDS - a herd)
Yeah, this heres a round-up and were all big and tough cowboys who feel so strong
and weve had our early mornin risin and pissin and et our before-the-sun vittles -
yeah and weve drunk our coffee outta dusty tin cups and those cows are awaitin on us,
now - dont you here them out there now - a-lullin and a-mooin?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Cattle SOUNDS)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-2-2
! ! ! ! ! ! TIME (Cont.)
That sun come up, they gonna wanta move - we gonna wanta be gone - we gotta
market ta reach! Wichita! Yeah, hot and dusty miles! Les round em up! - head em out! -
Duke, you and Curly head out over that way, and me and Oralll.. me and Oral.. just as
soon as ol Oral gits up! - yeah, well both be out there inna minute...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Cow SOUNDS)
.. well, its mawnin, Oral - yeah a good ol Western mawnin out here under these clean
Western skies - stars are out still, a-twinklin - the suns just risin over the mountain tops
- and I know its cold! - but that early-mawnin bacon is still a-fryin on the air! - Lawd, do
it smell good! - and more fresh coffee a-brewin! - Lawdy, Lawd! Be good ta.. git on up
and head em on out! Move em out! Yeah! Lets go, Oral - head em out! Hah! Its in the
air, Oral - its a new mawnin and were both strappin big cowboys and young, and we
feel this day comin on us like we was born to it! Yeah! Ive got me some things ta do! -
cattle ta move, a buffalo or two ta shoot if the need should so arise! - yeah, places ta go!
I gotta git up Nawth - yeah, Oral, lets git up Nawth, now - and move these cattle out -
those stupid cows! I mean, Im a man and youre a man and you know what we gotta do
- what were paid ta do! Paid ta drive this bunch o ornery critters up ta Wichita, yeah, git
a good price fur em now - dollar a head! - thats a lotta greenbacks, Oral - lotta booze
and a lotta broads! - yeah, Im proud ta be a cowboy, dagnabit! - I like ridin muh horse,
snappin muh whip - swingin muh lariat! - dont you, Oral?
! ! ! ! ! ! (No response from Oral. Cow SOUNDS.)
Are you a man, Oral - ol podner? - are you a doggone man?
Oral - youre not a man - youre an Easterner - a godawful pantywaist! Move em out
cowpunchers! Well leave ol Oral and his beaverskin hat in bed - we gotta herd ta
move! - Hayaahhh!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Whistles)
Head em out!
! ! ! ! ! ! (No response from Oral. TIME climbs back up

! ! ! ! ! ! on the night stand, in despair. ENTER HC
! ! ! ! ! ! HONCHO and DELMORE CRUMMEY.
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE is carrying a dog leash which he
! ! ! ! ! ! wraps and unwraps around his hand - HC is
! ! ! ! ! ! carrying a six-pack.)
!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-2-3
! ! ! ! ! ! `HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Opening door and sneaking his head around

! ! ! ! ! ! the corner. Loud whisper.)
Oral! - Laras comin up the stairs - time for that tour!
! ! ! ! ! ! (ORAL leaps out of bed, claws down his hair as

! ! ! ! ! ! he madly stumbles around the apartment,
! ! ! ! ! ! straightening anything and everything - goes
! ! ! ! ! ! over to his studio, slaps a Lester Young record
! ! ! ! ! ! onto the turntable, shouts into mike)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Lester People - rise and shine! - and do a Taxi War Dance with Lester Young and
Count Basie and his orchestra!
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC and DELMORE sneak into the apartment -

! ! ! ! ! ! HC pops a beer, DELMORE wraps the leash
! ! ! ! ! ! around his wrist, ORAL pauses)
Where is she?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
In your dreams! - got the sports page?! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Um, uh.. we, we.. we was just foolin!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Coming back from his studio)
No sports! - whaddya guys want? - howdja know Lara was coming?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Sorry, Oral.. I, uh.. read your mail on my last pick-up - we know shes comin this
morning - and we wanta see this girl!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
We come to see the rack on this chick...

! ! ! ! ! ! (Slams six-pack down on table, thrusts can into
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMOREs unwilling fingers, bends his
! ! ! ! ! ! fingers around it, then pops another can with
! ! ! ! ! ! his teeth, offers it to ORAL)
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-2-4
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Refusing beer)
HC, Im on the wagon! - and isnt this a little awkward? - I need some room to move...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Room to move? - you were already in bed! - couldnt you wait for her? - youve been
sleeping alone too long!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
You need a dog!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Ive been nervous, just napping, trying to relax.. Im no good at these things!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Im no good at anything - especially girls...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Whats to be good? - say some corny things, melt her heart..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Slams hand on table)
.. then jump her bones!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
I forgot you were such an expert on getting laid, HC...
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Listen.. women say I excrete sex!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ORAL
Thats exude...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Shrugs)
I throws it off.. check this out! - one time this chick had me push a golf ball around her
rug with my nose - it turned her on!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (With a swagger)
Then he scored!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Well..
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-2-5
! ! ! ! ! ! HC (Cont.)
! ! ! ! ! ! (Guzzles)
.. I was going to, but I got such a bad attack of asthma from that damn rug, she ended
up driving me to the hospital - but I coulda scored!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
The only thing you laid, man, was an egg with your nose...
! ! ! ! ! ! (ORAL goes to studio, puts on Twelth Street

! ! ! ! ! ! Rag. A KNOCK on the door. ORAL again
! ! ! ! ! ! smooths down his hair and his eyebrows with
! ! ! ! ! ! his fingers, clears his throat a few times - HC
! ! ! ! ! ! crumples his beer can, throws it under the
! ! ! ! ! ! table, pops open two more, sets them on the
! ! ! ! ! ! table in front of himself and DELMORE, who
! ! ! ! ! ! now has two cans - both set down at the table
! ! ! ! ! ! and lean back in their chairs, beaming ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! two big grins.)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Let the chick in.. and a little advice, Oral - dont ask her what her sign is...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Lets see the female!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Another KNOCK. ORAL goes to the door.)
! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Why do I feel so comfortable?
! ! ! ! ! ! (ORAL opens the door - LARA stands there,

! ! ! ! ! ! bag of bread in her hand)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! LARA
Oral Baby - the DJ - jazz?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Big time DJ!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Quite a man - quite-a-man!
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-2-6
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Oral Babys the name! - please enter the foyer of my chateau!
! ! ! ! ! ! (A sweeping bow)
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Going nowhere)
Am I in the right place? - Prez Studios?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Were.. in temporary quarters.. extensive re-modeling going on upstairs, at the Prez..
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Thats where we and Nanooshka live!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Where the beer is!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Further upstairs, on the roof, with the pigeons...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looking past him, at the two men)
Am I going to be all right?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
These two got locked out of the shelter - curfew problems - as part of my philanthropy, I
feed and cloth the hungry in the city - theyll be leaving as soon as they finish their
beverages - right, boys?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Itll take the Tac Squad to drag me away from this beer...
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Ill go, Oral!
! ! ! ! ! ! (DELMORE starts to rise)!! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
No need, Delmore - no need to cause a scene - just as long as the two of you are on
your best behavior...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Well be cool, man.. sorry, miss - been on a tugboat these past six weeks, and this
is the nearest Ive been to a woman, since they gave me penicillin down on the
Embarcadero...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-2-7
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
I need to give Nanooshka some penicillin...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
I wont ask why...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Are you two gentlemen finished?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Going to studio, turning on mike)
That was Lester Young on Twelth Street Rag, with Count Basie and the orchestra..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Puts on Clap Hands, Here Comes Charlie)
.. Lara - that is you name, Lara? - why dont you sit down, uh..
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
..on the bed..
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
No, no - not on the bed! - never mind the bed! - because,uh, thats my bed, and uh..
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
He doesnt want to share his fleas with anyone..
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Hey, he didnt get them from Nanooshka!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Whos Nanooshka?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Great, guys! - shall I call a cab for you, Lara?

! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Laughing)
No.. I think I can handle these two handsome gentlemen at your table..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes and sits down at table)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Offering to LARA)
Beer?!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
You like dogs?
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-2-8
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
No, thank you - and yes, I do!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Um, uh.. then you gotta meet Nanooshka!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Yes.. who is this Nanooshka?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Why, shes the greatest, fur-covered, purebred..
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Interrupting)
.. wife - shes his wife...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Fur-covered?! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
.. Borzoi!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Borzoi?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
A very hairy Russian people - but legs, shes got legs...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Sitting down across from LARA)
Well, here we are.. just the four of us... feels so cozy!
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC and DELMORE look from one to another)
So, Lara.. whats your sign?
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC begins coughing and choking on his beer)
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Laughing)
Oh, Im Aquarius - what are all of you?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Um, uh.. Im Virgo - the virgin!
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-2-9
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
No comment...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Im Taurus, the bull - down-to-earth! - and I believe our friend, HC here, is a Capricorn..
you know, the goat?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes to his studio)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Im a friggin Aries, man! - thats ram with a capital R! - sorry for the French, miss...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Oh, thats all right - I dont speak it...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Into mike)
That was Lester Young and Count Basie, with Clap Hands, Here Come Charlie..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Puts on Lester Leaps In)
So!.. Lara, hows the bakery?
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Its OK - its a job..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Holds up bag)
At least Im baking bread to feed hungry people... do you support yourself as a DJ?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Are you kidding?
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Oral works in a restaurant..
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Correcting him)
.. the restaurant business, Delmore - but I sold that restaurant, if you remember..
! ! ! ! ! ! (To LARA)
.. hard to get good help - waiters on coke, cooks always drunk, and so forth - rolled that
money over into some high-tech venture...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
And thats what you do, now..?
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-2-10
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Now?.. now!..actually, now Im independently funded.. sold that tech business, but kept
the stock options, controlling interest...
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause)
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
What kind of tech business was it?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (A deep breath)
From.. from a single crystal of.. of potassium.. bromide.. I, I forged a new technology..
capable of, capable of.. making sophisticated.. optical elements out of, out of.. common
table salts...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
You did...! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
How noble!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
.. uh, I think I read that inna magazine, somewhere...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Probably Dog-wife Quarterly...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Exasperated)
Well, yes.. I was profiled in Time magazine! - under an assumed name - C. Zilmo -
money and fame mean nothing to me! - I just want to live the simple life, with the simple
friends you see here engaged - less stress! - besides, it enables me to pursue my love
for jazz - so that I may give back to others! - more of my.. philanthropy...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
What a story!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
What bull...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
I think it sounds wonderful!!
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-2-11
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Gentlemen.. isnt it time for you to go? - I forgot to mention.. the Countess DeTollio
called this morning - she offers you room at her Villa until you are back on your feet,
again - which could take some time.. close the door gently on your way out - I wouldnt
want Miss Laras soft fragrances to be disturbed by your rough passage...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
The Countess DeTollio.. does she like dogs?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Is that you in there, Oral?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Crushing beer can, tossing it into sink, holds

! ! ! ! ! ! up last can)
One short beer.. four long blocks.. well, since well be out of beer- which is to say, out of
money - with more of your philanthropy, well just pick up a twelve-pack and mosey on
over to the Countesss shack.. yeah, Delmore, lets boogie on over to the Villa with
some more beer.. we can put our feet up on the Countesss rosewood coffee table, pop
a coupla cold ones, and check out the As game...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Rising, hand out to ORAL, who lays some

! ! ! ! ! ! money on him)
.. maybe the Countess will join us for a coupla innings and a coupla chugs.. come,
Delmore, my man...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
What about Nanooshka?

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! HC
Oh, the Countess DeTollio will probably want you and your hound to sleep on her satin
bed - while she sleeps in the doghouse, hopefully with me.. nice meetin ya,
babe...! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Rising)
Glad to meet you, Lara.. stay as long as you like.. all night if you want.. I mean.. !
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Good night, gentlemen! - give the Countess my regards!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes to studio, turns on mike)
.. and that was Lester Leaps In..
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-2-12!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! (ORAL puts on Tickle Toe)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (EXITING)
To the Countess DeTollios, Delmore - for more beer.. and baseball!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (EXITING. To ORAL.)
Please do something I wouldnt do...
! ! ! ! ! ! (ORAL slams the door shut)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Coupla ol Iraq buddies of mine.. on the skids.. havent seen them in years.. I guess Im
some kinda hero to them, because Im a success...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
You were in Iraq?

! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
No.. I refused to sign up for Iraq.. bad vibes! - Delmore tried to volunteer, but wore pants
made of fur to his physical.. and HC hid the fact that he has no liver, and the Marines
took him...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
They actually seemed very nice.. so do you...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Well!.. can I get you something to drink? - I mean, besides alcohol, which Im out of...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! LARA
No alcohol.. its 8:30 AM!.. besides, I gotta be at work at 9..
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Then you need to eat breakfast.. cant work on an empty stomach!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes over to cupboard and small refrigerator,

! ! ! ! ! ! opens both)
Lets see.. how bout.. brown sugar?.. you ever eat brown sugar, raw, with a spoon? -
quick energy, low bulk - doesnt put it on you! No?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-2-13
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL (Cont.)
Popcorn? - smothered in mayonnaise! - theyre eating that on the Continent these days
- chic and tasty.. ah! - Ive got it! - just the thing for the meat and potatoes man - and
woman, too - catsup on tea bags! - sticks to your ribs, yet you dont have to boil any
water! Well?
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
I dont eat breakfast - just drink tea - I usually eat lunch at the bakery - yesterday I ate a
mistake - a lemon meringue bagel - it was delicious!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Holds up bag)
And I brought you some organic multi-grain bread! - baked yesterday - half price to
employees!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Gives bag to him)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Why, thank you, Lara.. I owe you!..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Holds up bag)
.. a loaf of bread, a jug of wine.. and thou! - of course, those bozos took the last beer
with them...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA!
I dont drink - much...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Neither do I - hardly...
! ! ! ! ! ! (The record ends)
Ooops! - need a record - Im on the air! - come over to my studio - see how I
broadcast..!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses, looks at him)
All right, but just for a minute...
! ! ! ! ! ! (She rises, follows him to broadcast desk, sits

! ! ! ! ! ! down, ORAL puts on Sometimes Im Happy,
! ! ! ! ! ! a pause, they both listen to it)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-2-14
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
I love Lester young...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Listens)
I remember as a child.. my mother sitting in the laundry room - listening to lady jazz
singers on an old phonograph player.. and I remember hearing Lester Young, playing
sax on some of their tunes...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Turns to ORAL)
Tell me about yourself, Oral...

! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)
Me? - me! - whats to tell? - I was born in a boxcar and..
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
You were.?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
No.. that was someone else.. lets see.. me...
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause, he considers)
You know what I always wanted to say? - that absolutely every minute of my life was
accounted for...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
And can you?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Nah.. I cant account for any of it...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Hows your jazz show going? - I love listening to it every morning at work!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
My show? - great! - made eighty-two dollars last week - a bonanza!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
I guess you dont need the money...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Money? - oh, no! - I donate it all.. to charities!
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-2-15
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looking around)
But.. it really looks like.. your just broadcasting out of.. your apartment!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Oh, no! - Prez Studios, upstairs, is my apartment - the penthouse! - see, I live my work
- I own this building!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Oh...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)
So.. you have a license to broadcast?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
License? - do you need a license to breath?- the airways should be free! - like air! -
anyone can breath, anyone can broadcast! - you should try it! - broadcast a show from
the bakery - about bread! - the more voices heard, the better - thats democracy!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
But.. what about other stations? - and planes! - arent you interfering with their signals?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Filters.. simple filters! - prevents my signals from drifting!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
But, but.. Oral! - your broadcasts are illegal! - against the law! - shouldnt you work for a
legitimate jazz station, licensed by the FCC? - afraid to compromise?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Its the principle of the thing, Lara! - everyone should be able to broadcast! - besides, I
get to do what I want, play the jazz I want - Lester Young! - with no commercials!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
But.. what if the FCC catches you?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
They already think theyve caught me! - posted a letter in my PO box, saying theyre
trying to trace my signals - said no more shows, or theyd fine me - twenty thousand! -
and take me to court! But theyll never catch me.. I keep moving my transmission tower!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Oh, a transmission tower.. isnt that kind of big?
! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-2-16
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Yeah! - two hundred foot tall! - but I got a crack crew of men, who go out with a giant rig
in the dead of night, dismantle the thing, move it, put it back up, and then - best of all! -
disguise it!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
As what?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
As.. as.. for example.. an object dart! - put it up on museum grounds, in a corner - and
even the museum guys think its a new installation - authorized by the other guy! - by
the time they find out.. its gone!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses, looks at her)
See, Lara.. Im just exercising my right to free speech! - naturally, I could pay the
twenty-thousand.. but I really want this to go to court - all the way to the top, yeah! -
the Supreme Court! - the FCC had better start building their case against me - theyd
better send an agent out! - but.. theyll never find me, Lara, never locate this secret
studio, or that big transmitter - Im very, very careful!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
But, I found you...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Well.. I got careless - I wanted to meet you! - so I broadcast my address - you werent
followed, were you?
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
No.. I wasnt followed, but what if the FCC heard that same broadcast, and sent a ..
man out.. to shut down your show! - you could be liable for that big fine - and subject to
arrest!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
What are you.. a lawyer? - I thought you just baked bread!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Rises in irritation, puts on Ive Found A New

! ! ! ! ! ! Baby - cranks it up - turns his back)
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses, considers)
Well, maybe I should go bake bread right now!
! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-2-17
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Turns towards her)
Do you have to go?
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Oral, its my job...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Rises)
.. dont worry, Ill stop by, again - I still want that tour of Prez studios!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Starts toward door)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Getting up)
Oh, yeah! - you know... you helped...

! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
I helped?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Walks her to the door)
You helped a lot, Lara...
! ! ! ! ! ! (They pause, look at each other - she pecks

! ! ! ! ! ! him on the cheek, EXITS)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Turns and stares off)
She left.. and nothing happened between us... but.. whatll I tell the guys?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Stares off, as Lester Young plays on)
This could be the start.. of another depression...
! ! ! ! ! ! SCENE END
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-1
! ! ! ! ! ! SCENE 3!! ! ! !
SCENE: DeTollios Villa. A bar at back, a waiters station at entrance to the dining room,
a table by double swinging kitchen doors.
AT RISE: GINO, the bartender, is washing glasses at the bar.
! ! ! ! ! ! (ENTER HC and DELMORE)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Well, here we are.. at the Countess DeTollios...
! ! ! ! ! ! (He leads DELMORE to a table; they sit down)

! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
But this is DeTollios Villa - where Oral washes his dishes - wheres the Countess?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Behind the bar...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
But thats Gino the bartender..
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Hes a countess, now...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks around)
..great... no women...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Maybe theyre all in the ladys room...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Go powder your nose, and tell me if theyre in there...
! ! ! ! ! ! (GINO comes over, polishing a glass)
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
Yeah?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Gino! Remember us?
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
Yeah.! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-2
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Double DeWars, beer back...! ! ! ! !

! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Temple.. Shirley Temple...
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
No names.. drink?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Shirley Temple!
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
Oh. Wanna parasol?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Dump in a shot of Bushmills - Shirleys drinkin this mornin...
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
Yeah.. early in the mornin...
! ! ! ! ! ! (GINO goes back to bar - mixes drinks)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looking after him)
A man of few words... so wheres the chicks?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Mimicking his verbal swagger)
Broads!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Chicks, broads...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looking around)
.. where is the girl of my dreams?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Wheres mine?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Back at the pad, gnawin a bone...
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause)
Boy am I out of it.. bet theres a million guys gettin laid right now...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-3
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! 1-3-3! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (With swagger)
Bet theres a billion!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Boy, am I out of it...
! ! ! ! ! ! (GINO brings their drinks, sets them down)
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
Eight-fifty.
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Eight-fifty!
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
! ! ! ! ! ! (Picks drinks back up)
You got it?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
You gotta straw for my Shirley?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Have I got..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Reaches into pockets)
.. have I got..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Reaches, comes up empty)
..you.. you take checks?
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
No straws, no checks..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Picks up drinks)
.. no drinks...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
I got it, HC! - fixed a vacuum last night - a classic Electrolux! - found the guys remote
stuck in the hose...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Gives GINO a bill - GINO sets drinks back

! ! ! ! ! ! down, tosses some change)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-4
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
.. and no candlelight...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes back to bar)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
He thinks were queer...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
We? - lets hope he doesnt find out about your dogwife - hell never let us back in
here...
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause, they both drink - DELMORE tries to

! ! ! ! ! ! mimic HCs chugging, starts coughing and
! ! ! ! ! ! sputtering)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! HC
You got any family, Delmore, or did they stop at one mistake?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
I gotta brother...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Drinks)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Drinks)
Whats his name?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Twerp-dog.. hes a skateboarder in Berkeley...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
A whole pack of dogs...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Slurring)
Hows.. bout you?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Drinks)
Im alone.. got only my old Ma and Pa! - and me.. thats all thats left of the line of
Honchos..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Drinks)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-5
! ! ! ! ! ! HC (Cont.)
.. theyll go, and Ill be the last Honcho.. get old and die mid-century.. by then Ill be a
broken-down lonely ol hack, chuggin through six-packs.. blows my mind!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Slugs whiskey, guzzles beer back)
.. hope they still play baseball then...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Whaddya think.. will happen to me?

! ! ! ! ! ! (Drinks)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
You? - youll probably have an accident while repairin a vacuum cleaner, and get
sucked inside-out - just dont leave me stuck with your dog...
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
HC...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
What?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)
How come youre always puttin me down?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)
Because I like you, man!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Why do you think were alone?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Im not alone - I got you and your giant hamster for company!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Borzoi!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-6
What if we left?!! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
You and Nanooshka?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)
Where you gonna go - get a room in a kennel?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
What if I.. ended my life?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
It ends, anyway! - whats the rush? - just dont leave me stuck with your dog...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
I could give her to Oral...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Hair gets on his records!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)
Im just not sure.. I want to go on living, anymore...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
You call this living? - youre stuck in a rut! - a furry dog for a wife, and a job pulling fur
outta broken vacuum cleaners! - come to think of it, thats some kinda justice...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Drinks)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)
Ill.. never have a woman.. I dont know what they want.. dont understand them.. dont
know how to attract them, let alone keep one - and that scares me, HC...
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-7
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Look! - woman just want one thing! - masculinity - with a capital M! - look at me - Ive got
acres of it! - declare yourself a man, Delmore - and you will become one!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Just de, um.. de, uh..clare, uh...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Maybe not...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Chugs)
Just forget it, Delmore.. and no more talk about ending it! - howll I pay the rent?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Just grab some babe - shell pay it for you!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks over at HC)
Look at you...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
What about me?
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC guzzles his beer)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Babes, baseball and beer - thats you!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
You got that all backwards!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Beer, baseball and babes - your life is meaningless!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
So is yours!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
I fix things - I make a difference!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Repairin vacuum cleaners?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Making vacuum cleaner SOUNDS)
Ooooh-wheeee! Ohhh-wheee!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-8
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
But you dont even have a job!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
You know Im on unemployment! - a-hundred-forty-two a week - Im not gonna blow that!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Why dont you get some kind of training? - go back to school, or something!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Back to the eighth grade? - Id have to buy a new lunch pail!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
The eighth grade?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Yeah.. I took a blue slip all the way to Florida at age fourteen - joined a carnival!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
As an attraction?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
As a roustabout! - poundin tent stakes! - I was a man even then!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
A man...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Yeah, a man!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Chugs)
Just dont leave me stuck with your crummy dog, that big banana slug...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Maybe Twerp-dog will take her...!
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause, they drink)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Delmore.. Ive been thinking.. you need to change your image.. you need a classier job!
- why dont you go ask Chef DeTollio about a waiter job? - it could be your second job!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
A waiter?.. I dont think that I.. um, uh.. could be any kind of waiter...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
It takes a real man to be a waiter!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-9
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
A real man.. you think so?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Finishes his drink, rises)
.. maybe youre right, HC.. maybe I need to change my image.. vacuum cleaner
repairman... no kind of job for a man.. um, uh.. I think I will see Chef DeTollio about a
waiter job...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes towards kitchen doors)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Two jobs is good, Delmore - keeps us going, my man!
! ! ! ! ! ! (DELMORE disappears into kitchen. HC sits

! ! ! ! ! ! and drinks, stares off)!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
So.. where is she?.. where is the - braaapp! - girl of my dreams?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Slugs beer, sits staring - to himself)
Whaddya doin, man - huh? Same ol stuff, fool.. relax, man, relax! - shes not here,
shes never gonna be here - never gonna be anywhere!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Drinks whiskey, slugs beer. ENTER ANNA, a

! ! ! ! ! ! little loaded - she hesitates at door, looks
! ! ! ! ! ! around, sees HC - he gives her the high sign -
! ! ! ! ! ! she smiles slightly and walks unsteadily toward
! ! ! ! ! ! table near him - HC stares at her, beer bottle
! ! ! ! ! ! poised at his lips - she smiles as she
! ! ! ! ! ! approaches - then staggers and falls heavily on
! ! ! ! ! ! top of him, spilling his beer all over him)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Jeez! - lighten up!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pushes her off him onto the floor, tries to mop

! ! ! ! ! ! himself)
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Marilyn Monroe voice, rolling on floor, trying to

! ! ! ! ! ! get up)
Hi, Sailor!
! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-10
! ! ! ! ! ! (ANNA claws her way onto a chair)!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! HC
Marines - Iraq 89 - Sergeant Major!

! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
Richmond High 95! - I was a major, too! - in the marching band - bass drum!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Slams the table)
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! How bout a drink, Sarge?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Drying himself)
I had one...
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
Good! - gotta catch up!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Grabs the rest of his beer, drains it, eyes

! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORES drink)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Following her eyes, impressed and intrigued)
Some dork left that...
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Grabbing DELMORES drink)
Good chaser!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Downs it)
Names Futton - Betty Futton!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Sticks out her hand)
Whats your handle?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Headley C. Honcho!
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC sticks out his hand)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-11
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Grabbing his hand)
Whats the C for?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Craven..
! ! ! ! ! ! (She crushes his hand in a shake)
Auggghhh!
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
Raven? - Betty Futtons my stage name!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Nursing his hand)
Oh, the stage!.. and what is your real name?
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
Anna.. Anna Futton...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Anna.. youre on the stage, Anna?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Admiring her)
Ever play Joan of Arc..?
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
Im a dancer.. I dance to the wind, to the rain and the stars - I dance what I feel!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Oh, yeah.. feelings! - I get them sometimes!
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
You dance?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Dance? Dance! Im an ex-Marine - we dont dance! - gotta keep both boots on the
ground - never know when youll be taking fire!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Mimics returning fire)
! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-12
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
Fire?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Like.. gunplay!
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
I dont like people who play with guns...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Oh, neither do I! - but thats what I had to do - I was a Marine! - we had to carry these
big guns around to scare off the bad guys.. and speaking of carrying a big gun..
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
.. like to see me dance?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Oh.. well, all right...
! ! ! ! ! ! (ANNA dances the possibility of love)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Very nice! - very full of.. feeling! - I think I felt something!
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
I call it, a dance for hope - you got any hope?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Hope? Hope! - yeah, I got hope! - I hope I get my check - I hope Delmore pays the
rent on time - I hope I got enough beer in the frig - and I hope I get lucky!
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
Get lucky?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Yeah, you know.. I hope I get la.. your phone number...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-13
! ! ! ! ! ! HC (Cont.)!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Calling to GINO)
Two beers, Countess!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! (GINO turns and looks at him)
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
Gino, Princess...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Gesturing at kitchen)
Make that three beers, your Royal Highness! My friend could soon be working with you!
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
Hell look cute in an apron...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pulls beers from the cooler)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
So.. whats your favorite sport, Anna? - mines baseball!

! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looking at his baseball outfit)
I can see that! - I like the derby!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Taking off baseball cap)
This is just an As cap - oh! - you mean, the Kentucky? - horses?
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
Roller derby! - I just love all the violence and the screamin!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Hey! - roller derbys my second favorite! - all that bangin and crashin - knockin people
down..!
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
.. and I just love it when the bitches elbow each other in the face!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Yeah.. yeah! - hey, we gotta lot in common!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-14
! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! (They pause, staring curiously at each other.

! ! ! ! ! ! GINO brings their beers, stands there with tray)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! GINO
! ! ! ! ! ! (To HC)
Nine-seventy-five.. you got it?! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Staring up at GINO, eyes large and slightly

! ! ! ! ! ! crazed through his glasses)
Have I, have I.. got it?

! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
I got it, Raven!
! ! ! ! ! ! (To GINO)
Just put it on my tab, brother!
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
OK - just watch the company you keep, sis...
! ! ! ! ! ! (GINO goes back to the bar. HC and ANNA pry

! ! ! ! ! ! the tops off their beers, guzzle them, and set
! ! ! ! ! ! beers back down, all in tandem)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Admiring ANNA)
Hey.. you got clout!
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
Gino knows me!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks at HC)
Say, you.. got any pets?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Pets? Pets! I gotta.. Russian Wolfhound - whatta dog! - magnificent animal! - hunts
wolves!
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
Yeah? - does it really hunt wolves?! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-15
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Are you kiddin? - ever see any wolves around here? - my dog keeps chasin em away!
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
Oh.. how righteous!

! ! ! ! ! ! (ANNA guzzles beer)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Watches her guzzle, then guzzles his own

! ! ! ! ! ! beer, puts it down - she is still guzzling)
What about you.. pets?
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Finally putting down her beer)
Oh, yes.. I have a pet tree frog!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
A what?
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
Tree frog! - I love him so.. he used to hop, hop, hop all over - hop, hop, hop! - but now,
he makes me so sad...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Sniffles)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Sad? - why?
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
Because hes always up in his little tree.. and I can never see him hop, anymore...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Sniffles, wipes her eyes, gets up, puts her

! ! ! ! ! ! hands up in hopping position - dances a
! ! ! ! ! ! hopping dance)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Interrupting her)
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute - stop that! - Anna - Betty! - Anna! - lets not go crazy
here! - what was that all about?
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
An Ode to Alphonse!
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-16
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Alphonse? Alphonse? - whos that - your boyfriend?
! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
I dont have any boyfriend - Alphonse is my tree frog!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Alphonse! - what kind of name is that for a tree frog? - sounds like hes got a pedigree!
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
Dont you say anything mean about Alphonse - hes almost human!
! ! ! ! ! ! (She wipes her eyes - GINO comes over)
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
Whatja say to my sister, Princess?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Your.. sister?
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
He said mean things about Alphonse - and now Im leavin!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Im sorry, Anna - Betty! - Anna! - dont go! - at least, let me walk you out - I really do like
tree frogs! - cmon, lets talk - I still want that phone number - and Im still feelin lucky..!
! ! ! ! ! ! (He rises, grabs ANNA by the arm, walks her
! ! ! ! ! ! out past GINO)
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
! ! ! ! ! ! (To HC)
Didnt make fun of Alphonse, didja? - I got her that frog, see - he is a pedigree! - cost
plenty! - he come all the way from Africa!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Hopped, Ill bet...
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
Now, you respect Alphonse!
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-17
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO (Cont.)
! ! ! ! ! ! (To ANNA )
Sis, that queen wouldnt know a West African tree frog, if he sat on one!! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
Oh, Gino - thats so mean!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Wipes her eyes, EXITS with HC)! !
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO! !
! ! ! ! ! ! (Calling after her)
I didnt mean it that way, Sis - honest!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Wrings his bar towel in disgust, turns, washes

! ! ! ! ! ! glasses. ENTER DELMORE from the kitchen -
! ! ! ! ! ! he looks around, sees no HC, sits down)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Must be in the mans room...

! ! ! ! ! ! (Sits down at table, picks up his empty beer
! ! ! ! ! ! bottle, looks at it, shakes it. ENTER the
! ! ! ! ! ! HUMAN ISOTOPE, puts his backpack down on
! ! ! ! ! ! table, sits down next to DELMORE, who stares
! ! ! ! ! ! straight ahead.)
! ! ! ! ! ! HUMAN ISOTOPE
! ! ! ! ! ! (To no one in particular)
Im the Human Isotope...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Fingers plastic rings)
.. and these are new isotopes Ive discovered.. Im not sure what to call them.. Ill have
to look that up in my radio-isometric database...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Laughs suddenly)
.. Ill have to re-program my computer with the new stoichiometry!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks over at DELMORE, who stares straight

! ! ! ! ! ! ahead)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-18
! ! ! ! ! ! HUMAN ISOTOPE (Cont.)
Ive seen your dog dragging you around...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses - no response from DELMORE)
Im the Human Isotope...
! ! ! ! ! ! (DELMORE slowly turns and stares back at

! ! ! ! ! ! him, a pause)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Im Delmore Crummey.. - ey...
Mr. Crummey - e, y...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Just Delmore.. thats my Borzoi youve seen - Nanooshka...

I used to have a small dog.. carried him on the front of a motor scooter.. then we got hit..
he went up over the handlebars into a thick hedge...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pulls out his plastic sword, presses button on

! ! ! ! ! ! the sword - an unearthly sound emanates from
! ! ! ! ! ! the sword, and it glows - he waves sword
! ! ! ! ! ! around)
.. chopped that hedge to the ground! - but could never find him, again...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Shakes his head)
.. used to guard me while Id sleep - theres some real crazies out there!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Laughs, shakes head again, puts sword back)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Yeah.. where do you sleep?
I camp.. here, there, on campus.. Im doing anthropological research on campus -

developing new techniques - they know me!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Taps rubied lump on backpack)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-19
Ive developed a new computerized shovel!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Really? - what do you dig up?
The past...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Taps his powder horn)

This is the past.. not much use for the powder horn these days - but the frontiersmen
not only used it to load their guns, but after they shot their prey, they could tell the
spoilage of the meat with this device..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Takes powder horn off backpack)
.. yes, it was also used as a pathological device..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Holds it up)
.. see this engraving? - the path leading from the cabin, and then going off left and
right? - the frontiersman would hold this down next to the meat..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Demonstrates)
.. and depending on whether the path went right or left, they would know if the meat was
spoiled or not...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Yes.. but how did it work?
Path - see the path? - path-o-logical!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Oh...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Showing him)
.. and inscribed on this side.. a buffalo.. the U.S. government is very into buffaloes -
thats why they put them on their money!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pulls a dollar bill out of the powder horn, holds

! ! ! ! ! ! it up to DELMORE)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-20
.. notice how it looks like two eyes?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
But no buffalo...
Thats nickels! - Im an expert on money - actually, Im developing numismatic software

for my portable computer.. !! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! (Taps rubied camouflage lump, takes off

! ! ! ! ! ! keychain with miniature laminated bills)
.. see, Im re-designing money - it doesnt function optimally in its present form - goes
into the wrong hands!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Shows the bills to DELMORE one at a time)
.. you have to know a lot about Washington, DC, to design money - I was raised in
Washington - Im head of the US Mint - they know me there!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Shows bills)
.. see.. heres the Jefferson Memorial.. the White House behind those trees?.. and
heres the Capitol.. the House on the left and the Senate on the right.. you know what
the Capitol dome, in the middle, is symbolic of..?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
No, I dont...
The bedroll! - I designed Washington - Im an architect! - they know me!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Taps backpack)
Ive got all of Washington, DC, right here in my backpack!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Im just a vacuum cleaner repairman...
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-21
! ! ! ! ! ! (Not hearing him)
Yes, Im a doctor - involved with the AMA! - the local hospital keeps wanting me to
design new software for computer-enhanced tracheotomies - Im a computer engineer -
but Im too busy defending a judge whose house was robbed by mobsters - Im a
lawyer!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Who do you think did it?
I cant comment on that.. Im a judge!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pulls gavel off the backpack, waves it around)
E quibilus pudibus freakitus! - justice sleeps with truth!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Unscrews gavel handle, waves it around)
E porkitus friticitus! - thus you are judged!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Opens holster, takes out walkie-talkie, presses

! ! ! ! ! ! a button - it crackles)
.. but Im in touch with the police, giving them info all the time - Im Chief of Police - and
nobody wants to be Chief of Police - right?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
I guess not.
Lets just say that the mobsters are connected to the stock market - Dow Jones
Average? - the big sleep? - and Ive got the stock market right here..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Holds up rifle stock, taps it)
.. Im a stockbroker! - Im developing new securities based on the Standard and Poor

Index - ever read it? - no plot!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Taps satellite dish)

.. and I influence stocks with this advanced satellite dish - futures trading! - Im with the
FCC, so if your TV starts blinking - its me!
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-22
! ! ! ! ! ! (The sudden SOUNDS of a fire-engine

! ! ! ! ! ! screaming by - he jumps to his feet, picks up
! ! ! ! ! ! his plastic sword, lights it up with a button - an
! ! ! ! ! ! unearthly sound emanates - he waves sword
! ! ! ! ! ! around rapidly)
Fire! - gotta go..!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Slips on backpack)
Ive just developed new flame software for fighting fires - Im Fire Chief! - and
everybody wants to be Fire Chief - right?
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! DELMORE
I guess so...
! ! ! ! ! ! (The fire-engine screams, the HUMAN

! ! ! ! ! ! ISOTOPE starts to EXIT, waving his sword)
But wait - Human!
! ! ! ! ! ! (He rises. The HUMAN ISOTOPE pauses at

! ! ! ! ! ! the door)
Do you ever get.. lonely?
Lonely? - lonely! - people, people! - theres people all around - I hear them talking - so I
talk back! - theres people - go find some people!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
I cant.. I cant!.. seem to find.. anybody...
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause - they look long at each other)
But, you found me, Delmore...
! ! ! ! ! ! (He reaches into his backpack, pulls out a

! ! ! ! ! ! second walkie-talkie - tosses it to DELMORE)
Call me when youre feeling lonely.. Snookums...
! ! ! ! ! ! (The HUMAN ISOTOPE EXITS)
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-23
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (To nobody)
Snookums..?
! ! ! ! ! ! (DELMORE sits back down, holds up his new

! ! ! ! ! ! walkie-talkie, pushes button - it crackles)
Snookums...
! ! ! ! ! ! (ENTER HC HONCHO from the front door)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Waving a phone number)
Got me a hot date!
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC looks over at DELMORE, who is pushing

! ! ! ! ! ! the button on his walkie-talkie - it crackles)
I heard you talking to someone.. a chick?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Just a.. fellow traveler...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Fellow traveler, huh? - did you get the phone number?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Even better..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Holds up walkie-talkie)
I got the phone...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
You dog! - way to go, Delmore - now youre showing some ganos! - this calls for a beer!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Shouts to GINO)
Two beers, my man!
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
Yeah...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (To DELMORE)
So... a looker?
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-24
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Oh, quite.. the looker...
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC nods appreciatively at DELMORE,

! ! ! ! ! ! chuckling, as the lights dim)
! ! ! ! ! ! SCENE END
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! 1-4-1
! ! ! ! ! ! SCENE 4
AT RISE: ORAL lying in bed, sunglasses staring at the ceiling. The quiet is broken by
sudden vacuum cleaner SOUNDS.
! ! ! ! ! ! TIME
Oral.. that is a vacuum cleaner..

! ! ! ! ! ! (No response from ORAL)
.. the maid has it.. she wants to vacuum your apartment before Lara comes.. messy,
messy place!
! ! ! ! ! ! (No response -ENTER DELMORE, stealthily,

! ! ! ! ! ! carrying an old, but shiny, vacuum cleaner, he
! ! ! ! ! ! stops, puzzled by the vacuum SOUNDS, looks
! ! ! ! ! ! down at the plug in his hand - looks around,
! ! ! ! ! ! then shrugs - sneaks over to a wall outlet,
! ! ! ! ! ! plugs in vacuum cleaner - the muted SOUNDS
! ! ! ! ! ! of his own vacuum cleaner add to the din. He
! ! ! ! ! ! starts vacuuming the apartment.)
Oral.. you should see this maid..
! ! ! ! ! ! (DELMORE stops, looks down at himself,

! ! ! ! ! ! starts vacuuming again, mincing a little)
..roll over, now - take a look at her - what a doll! - very short skirt!
! ! ! ! ! ! (DELMORE strikes a pose, arms akimbo)
..no foolin, now - take a quick look - cute little French girl!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-4-2
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! (DELMORE adjusts his pose at French)
! ! ! ! ! ! TIME (Cont.)
.. just a peek! - and back you go to sleep!
Now she wants to vacuum round your bed - lookit, shes gettin closer!
! ! ! ! ! ! (DELMORE swishes over to the bed,

! ! ! ! ! ! vacuuming - looks down at ORAL)
It looks like she.. wants to vacuum under your bed, Oral.. she would like you to please
move! Get up!
! ! ! ! ! ! (No response - then ORAL slowly rolls over,

! ! ! ! ! ! looks up at DELMORE)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Um, uh.. goodnight...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Goodnight?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Starts vacuuming around bed)
Im vacuuming..!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
I can see that...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Vacuuming)
Just cleaning up, before girlfriend gets here...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Girlfriend?- oh, yeah!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-4-3! !
! ! ! ! ! ! (ORAL gets up quickly, goes over to studio,

! ! ! ! ! ! turns on mike)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL (Cont.)
Good morning, Lester People! - how you doin? - Im doin great! - because Ive Found
A New Baby - and here is Lester Young to tell you all about it, with the help of Nat King
Cole on piano and Buddy Rich on drums...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Puts on Ive Found A New Baby. ENTER HC,

! ! ! ! ! ! with the perennial six-pack under his arm)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Yo! Yo! Yo! - I gotta bet goin on!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Popping open a beer)

Talked to an old bookie at the bar - hes readin the racing form.. What looks good
tomorrow?, says I, I got twenty bucks! And without lookin up, he says, Number five in
the fifth.. without lookin up! Number five in the fifth! Get it? Get it?
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ORAL
I got it - number five in the fifth...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Its the numbers, man - the numbers! Five? Fifth? Get it? The stars are aligned!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
You mean, like the Big Dipper?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Heatedly)
Theyre just all lined up!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pulls a racing form out from a back pocket)
Lets see.. who I got tomorrow?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks at racing form)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-4-4
! ! ! ! ! ! HC (Cont.)
The fifth race..Number five.. the fifth...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Reads haltingly)
Number five.. in the fifth...The Thang, baby, The Thang! - I got The Thang! - and check
out these odds! - forty-two-to-one! Forty-two! Ill be rakin in the dough, makin my move
- with The Thang!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Mimics riding a race horse)
The two of us! - on the outside! - makin our big money move! - comin down the
stretch!.. lets see... twenty times forty-two.. times forty-two...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Eighth-grade math, HC - what you missed when you took that blue slip all the way to
carnival-land...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Straining)
.. lets see.. twenty-two times forty... times five... oh, what is it, Oral!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
About eight-thousand plus bucks, man...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Eight-thousand smack-a-roonies! - the stars.. have spoken!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Puts racing form back in pocket - toasts ORAL

! ! ! ! ! ! and DELMORE, chugs)
From now on.. all beer is on me! - six-packs for life! - and Delmore.. all the kibble your
racoon-faced dog can eat! Thanks to The Thang, baby - The Thang!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Chugs - to ORAL)
So.. when you gonna see that chick, again?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
You mean, Lara?
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-4-5
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Didja score?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Um, uh.. was it good?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
We merely had a long discussion.. about jazz!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
So.. you flipped through her record collection!

! ! (Guzzles)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Um, uh.. was it good?
! ! (Guzzles)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Lets just say.. it was a lively discussion...! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
You did ball her - you dog!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Hey, watch it!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
A gentleman never tells...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
You can tell us!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Um, uh.. was it good?! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-4-6
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Delmore, your hound would be good, after that bout of celibacy Oral went through -
how long was it, Oral - eleven years?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Dont get personal!.. how long has it been for you?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looking at watch)
Lets see.. what time is it?

! ! ! ! ! ! (Counting)
.. four, three, two, one.. about four months ago, I got lucky!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
What about you, Delmore?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Um, uh.. well, I.. um, uh..
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Ask him how old he is...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Guzzles)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Thats not fair! - its just that me and women never seem to.. click...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Were not talking about clicking, Delmore - these are women, not vacuum cleaners!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
I know theyre women!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Guzzles his beer, attempts a swagger)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-4-7
So.. when you gonna see the female, again, Oral?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Shes supposed to come by this morning, before her shift at the bakery...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Oh, man, you better rest up before that little tigress gets back! - we better split, Delmore
- this kids gonna need all the energy hes got!
! ! ! ! ! ! (A KNOCK on the door)

! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Cool it, guys! - and dont look at her weird!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
But we know!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Im gonna look her right in the eye - see if she blushes!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Rising, going to studio, putting on D.B.Blues

! ! ! ! ! ! - plays it)
Thats exactly what I dont want! - and make your visit a short one!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
All right, Ill just stare at her ears...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Guzzles, pops open another beer - DELMORE

! ! ! ! ! ! starts whistling aimlessly)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (To DELMORE)
Stop that! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-4-8
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL (Cont.)
! ! ! ! ! ! (Opens door)
Why, hello, Lara - so nice to see you, again - come right in!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Entering)
Hi, Oral! Why, hello, gentlemen - I dont think weve been formally introduced..
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Oh.. Miss Lara.. this is HC Honcho.. and Delmore Crummey - thats -ey...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Hello, Lara.. nice to see your ears today - I mean, nice to see you here today!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (To LARA)
How was it?
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Sitting down at the table with them)
How was what?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Work! - how was work?
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Work was fine - I was busy baking bread as usual - great loaves of organic rye!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Youre fine, too.. got any brothers?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Brothers? - he means sisters! - got any sisters? - wed like to get lucky, too...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-4-9
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Dont you gentlemen have a luncheon date with Countess DeTollio?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Thanks for reminding me, Oral..
! ! ! ! ! ! (To LARA)
Its a little champagne brunch.. these countesses are crazy for champagne! - actually
filled her pool with it - got me back into swimming!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Rising)
Orals a good man...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
But I guess you would know that, Lara...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Finishes beer, crushes it, rises, throws can

! ! ! ! ! ! under ORALS bed)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
I believe that brunch is now! - wouldnt want to keep the Countess waiting! - hear shes
got a nasty temper - could cut off your.. allowances, or something!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Rising, guzzling beer, crushes can, tosses it

! ! ! ! ! ! under ORALS bed)
To the Countesss then, Delmore.. for champagne, brie - and bowling...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Bowling?
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-4-10
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Ten lanes in the basement - and, of course.. a whole lotta balls.. come, Delmore, my
man - a spare awaits you - take care of our boy, Lara...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Um, uh.. if you need any help, Ive got some manuals, upstairs...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Delmore.. theyre not going to be repairing vacuum cleaners...
! ! ! ! ! ! (EXITS with remainder of six-pack)

! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
We wont need any help, boys - see you later - real later!
! ! ! ! ! ! (DELMORE pauses, staring at LARA - then

! ! ! ! ! ! EXITS. LARA looks at ORAL - he turns away,
! ! ! ! ! ! goes over to studio, takes off DB Blues, puts
! ! ! ! ! ! on Getting Some Fun Out Of Life, turns on
! ! ! ! ! ! mike)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
That was DB Blues.. and now its Billie Holiday asking, Are You Getting Some Fun
Out Of Life?! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
What did you tell your friends - about yesterday morning?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
That you.. were a fine girl, very nice person.. and I like you! - thats all...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Did you say that we.. got together?! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
I never said that, no, nothing..!
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-4-11
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
But, somehow they got that idea!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Let them think what they want - theyre guys!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
And Im a girl! - what about my reputation?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Your reputation is fine.. none of this matters!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
It matters to me!
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause - they both fume)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Turning to LARA)
Look, Lara.. Im sorry.. they think we made it yesterday, and it helps my rep for them to
think that.. nobody gets hurt, and I come out lookin like a, a..
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Stud! Say it - stud muffin!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Look, Lara, that stuffs important to them - not me!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Oh? - then what is important to you?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Uh.. us!.. getting to know you.. finding out who you are.. that kinda stuff...
! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1-4-12
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Stuff! - well, you can stuff it, mister!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Rising)
Im not going to tolerate this treatment!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes toward door)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Hey.. hey! - wait a minute, Lara.. I didnt mean to hurt your feelings.. I didnt know those
bozos were going to say those things.. see, theyre lonely! - got no girlfriends, and, and..
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
.. and neither do you! - never had and never will! - the way you act towards women? -
what woman would want the trashing of her reputation by unfeeling brutes? - why not
broadcast it on your show? - Hello, Lester People.. have you heard about Lara at Big
City Bakery? - shes easy.. why not get on down there - and grab a slice of her bread!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Lara, Lara! - this isnt necessary! - I hear what youre saying - I hear you!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Then hear this, Oral Baby! - treat me with respect! - forget your buddies - theyre losers!
- and youre one, too! - got that, buster?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks at ORAL)
Youre no hero...
! ! ! ! ! ! (LARA EXITS, slamming door. ORAL sits down

! ! ! ! ! ! at table in dejection)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Im no hero... Im no hero... so..who wants to be a hero?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Stares off)
.. great.. just what I needed.. another depression...
! ! ! ! ! ! END OF ACT 1
2-1-1! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ACT 2
! ! SCENE 1!! ! ! !
AT RISE: ORAL lies on his bed in his apartment, fully clothed, sunglasses on, staring up
at the ceiling. TIME, on the night stand, looks down at him, then jumps off the night
stand, bends over him.)
! ! ! ! ! ! TIME
Oral!
This is the government speaking!
Citizen Oral, let me advise you as to who you are and what you are to do. I am an
official government alarm clock - thats government with a capital G! - yeah, the good ol
kind - lookin out for the people, yeah, lookin out for you! We gotta a lotta ol time
backin - Herod, Solomon, Moses, Mohammed - yeah, we are the law, theres no doubt
about it - thats law with a big L, Oral - we go back centuries! - cause were an
institution, a principle and a moral concept - right up there with Justice and Duty and
The Laws and The Lawgivers and The Judges and The Supreme Judge! - yeah, were
all right on up there - the Government! Moses knew it - the Ten Commandments - thou
shalt! - thou shalt not! - were old stone tablets carried from dark old caves by wise old
men - old! - yeah!
Now, Citizen Oral, this is your government saying, Get up!
Thats a command - an order! And as a citizen, you must obey! - or there is no

government, Oral - no government can exist without its citizens obeying its decrees! -
otherwise its just a sham, a falsehood and a paper mockery! Citizen Oral, this is your
government asking you as its law-abiding citizen to - get up!
Which do you want, Citizen Oral - civilization - or bananas?
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause)
! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-1-2
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Bananas.. bananas...I think I got bananas on top of the frig...
! ! ! ! ! ! (ORAL gets up, goes to the refrigerator,

! ! ! ! ! ! pulls down a bunch of bananas, takes
! ! ! ! ! ! one, throws the rest back up - peels the
! ! ! ! ! ! one he has, bites into it)
! ! ! ! ! ! TIME
Its eight-o-clock! - and K-Chill is on the air!

! ! ! ! ! ! (TIME climbs back on the night
! ! ! ! ! ! stand, waving a thumbs up - ORAL run madly
! ! ! ! ! ! over to his studio, slaps on his headset and
! ! ! ! ! ! microphone, and slaps a Lester Young record
! ! ! ! ! ! on the turntable)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
This is Oral Baby sayin, Were back! - with Lester Young, Roy Eldridge on trumpet,
Philly Jo Jones on drums, and This Years Kisses!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Cranks up the music, bites into his banana

! ! ! ! ! ! - takes another bite, then talks into his mike,
! ! ! ! ! ! over the record playing - ENTER LARA, who
! ! ! ! ! ! stands silently and listens)
Got a special treat for you this morning, Lester People.. right here in our studio we have
with us Mister Blatz Tupelo - the little-known, but almost influential, local saxophonist,
who was heavily influenced by Lester Young..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Turns down the volume on the music)
Hello, Blatz!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Imitating a heavily drugged voice)
Hell.. o..Oral.. a pleasure.. to be.. here...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Normal voice)
Blatz - let me ask you.. I know you have never cut a record, only because you disdain
the commercialism involved - and I know you have never played a concert anywhere,
because you prefer those local small clubs on the East side - dives, as you so puckishly
call them - but perhaps you could recount for our audience how you finally managed to
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-1-3
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL (Cont.)
lick your addiction, and inadvertently bring yourself back out of obscurity and once again
into the local limelight...
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause - drugged voice)
Yes.. as you know, Oral.. for thirteen years.. I was a victim.. of a terrible substance
abuse... it took over my life completely.. and I was unable.. to play.. my horn.. anymore...
And I know this is hard for you, Blatz.. but perhaps you could tell us.. to just what
substance were you so terribly addicted?
Yes.. as you know.. uh, Oral.. the substance.. I was addicted to.. that took my life away..
was, um.. the toasted.. cheese sandwich...
What - what substance?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Drugged voice)
.. the innocent-looking.. little toasted cheese.. sandwich, Oral.. it was hell...
And how many toasted cheese sandwiches were you doing at that time, Blatz?
Uh.. I would do.. three or.. four.. even five inna row.. without being able to.. stop.. I hate
to.. admit it now.. but I loved.. to eat.. the little devils.. just.. delicious!.. I was out.. of
control.. frankly.. and I just had no.. desire.. to play my horn..anymore...
That must have been depressing, Blatz!.. and perhaps you could now tell us.. how did
you finally lick your addiction?
After I.. gained sixty.. pounds.. I knew I.. needed help.. and so I.. checked into a..
group.. therapy ranch.. for addicts...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-1-4
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL (Cont.)
And did that cure you of your unnatural craving, Blatz?
Tell the truth.. uh, Oral.. it took quite a few.. stints.. at the ranch.. cause truth was.. I had
a buddy.. on the outside.. an addict, too..
To the..?
.. same addiction.. and upon my release.. he used to.. meet me.. outside the gate.. in
his car.. and he would have.. the stuff.. with him..
You mean?
.. the fixins.. cheese, bread, catsup.. inna paper bag.. and wed just.. cook up!.. right
there.. with matches, kitchen matches.. and then we would.. eat up!.. right there.. in the
car...
Sad, so sad, Blatz..
Finally he got arrested.. for possession..
Of toasted..?
No, no.. marijuana.. I didnt know.. at that time.. hed gotten into.. harder stuff.. and I saw
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-1-5
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL (Cont.)
where.. he was goin.. and I finally said.. to myself..No.. no.. not me!.. and it kinda gave
me.. the courage.. to kick.. my toasted cheese.. habit.. and take up.. my horn again..
and now I.. I can blow again, man.. I can blow!
What a great story, Blatz, of one mans moral victory over himself and his unnatural
cravings - just say no! - its so true.. Blatz, I know you gotta run - thanks a mil for sittin in
with us - and well have to take it out.. with the rest of Lester, since youve got..
No records, man...! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
No, nothing I can play.. but tell us, Blatz.. where you blowin next?
Next gig.. I think.. is at.. the Cheese Palace.. on the twenty.. fifth...
Well be there, Blatz!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Cranks up the volume on the Lester Young

! ! ! ! ! ! record - drugged voice.)
You.. you.. got any.. bread.. cheese.. catsup.. man?
Got the fixins, Blatz - but no stove!
I.. I got some matches..!
Blatz!! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-1-6
! ! ! ! ! ! (Lester Young plays. ORAL turns in surprise to

! ! ! ! ! ! find LARA has been standing in the doorway,
! ! ! ! ! ! listening to his broadcast.)
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
I thought youd be on the air, so I didnt knock...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Oh.. thats OK, Lara.. truth is, I didnt think I was ever going to see you again..
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Oral.. we need to talk.. about us.. and about your Lester show...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
You like it? - you do dig jazz, dont you?
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
I love jazz - but your broadcasts are illegal! - I just dont want you to go to jail!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Theyre never going to catch me, Lara - cant trace my signals! - now, excuse me...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes on mike as the record ends)
.. that was Lester Young.. if you dig Lesters music, and want to hear it continue on this
station, without commercials.. send a little donation - send what you can - to Oral Baby,
P.O. Box 111, Oakland, California, 94618 - itll go towards a good cause.. now this is
Oral Hender, signin off on station KCHL.. talk to you tomorrow, Lester People...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Whats the cause?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Lester Young!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Hes dead...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-1-7
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
But not his music!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
So the money is for.. more Lester Young records..
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
More records, yeah! - uh, no! - I can afford a thousand Lester Young records! - no, the
donations are actually for a home for old Lester People - the ones that didnt retire so
well - gonna establish one here in this city! - why, Ive already donated thousands of my
own money! - but I need the help of the newer, younger, Lester People - we all gotta
stick together!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
You donated thousands? - then why are you living here?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
I told you, Lara.. theyre remodeling my studio upstairs - I live my work! - I gotta keep an
eye on things! - its a long story...! ! ! ! !
! `! ! ! ! ! LARA
Tell it to me...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)
You see, Lara.. the truth is.. I have all this guilt.. about having money.. and I.. I.. even
though I see an expensive therapist, I, I, still...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Stops helplessly)
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
How are your stocks doing?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Stocks? - stocks! - fine, fine! - stocks split two for one, and tripled in value - I cant lose
for winnin!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-1-8
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Good! - then you can take me out to dinner tonite! - someplace expensive! - then we
can talk more about your show.. Im feeling Italian.. how about DeTollios Villa? - ever
been there?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
DeTollios! - uh, yeah, I been there.. but, Lara, I dont wanna go there.. thats the place I
sold! - bad vibes! - I never got along with Chef DeTollio...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Id love to see a restaurant you once owned! - I want to go to DeTollios!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Fetuccine Alfredos no good! - trust me!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Then your choice...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Why dont we go.. go.. oh, why dont we just stay here, tonite, Lara.. a candlelight
dinner.. just the two of us!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Oh, how romantic - tea bags, candlelight.. and catsup!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses, looks at her)
OK, then, well go to DeTollios...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
How about six?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Six it is...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-1-9
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Good! - pick me up at the bakery - Ill be ready!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pecks him on the cheek)
.. bye, gotta go to work, now!
! ! ! ! ! ! (LARA EXITS)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Six oclock.. the start of my nightly dishwash shift at DeTollios.. whos gonna wash
those dishes?.. there goes my job! - and how am I gonna pay for that meal? - Im
broke!..great.. sounds like the start of.. another depression...
! ! ! ! ! ! SCENE END
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-2-1
! ! ! ! ! ! SCENE 2
AT RISE: the bar at DeTollios Villa. The small table at right. The wait station at left. The
two swinging doors to the kitchen, behind which strains of Pavariotti are heard. Gino
behind the bar. ENTER ORAL, in a coat a little too big, bolo tie, mismatched pants,
tennis shoes, sunglasses, and LARA - they pause at the entrance.
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Lara.. lets get out of here.. come on...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Why? You must be very well known here!
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
! ! ! ! ! ! (To ORAL)
Hi, boss...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
See!
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
! ! ! ! ! ! (To ORAL)
You come for the dishes? She gonna help?
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-2-2
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! 2-2-2! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Weve come for a particular dish, my good man.. Fettucine Ralph!
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
Fettucine Ralph? - never heard of him...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Of course not.. you havent been to the Continent!
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
! ! ! ! ! ! (Coming over)
You trying to impress this chick?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
The lady doesnt need impressing, barkeep..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Waves him off)

.. thats all right, well just sit anywhere...
! ! ! ! ! ! (To LARA)
How bout over here.. nice and dark...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Of course its dark, when you have sunglasses on...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Lara.. I just dont like to be recognized, OK?
! ! ! ! ! ! (They sit at the table)
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
! ! ! ! ! ! (From bar - to ORAL)
Looks like your gorilla friend is covering your shift...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
I havent got gorilla friends, bartender.. and certainly no shifts.. get us a couple of Pinot
Grigios, would you? - I feel myself fallin off the wagon, tonite...
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
Would that be cash?
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-2-3
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Waving some bills at him)
Of course cash, friend!
! ! ! ! ! ! (GINO goes back to washing glasses)
Cheeky help.. thats why I left the business..

! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks around)
..heard there was a new dishwasher.. just hope he does his job...
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC HONCHO, in a white apron, smashes

! ! ! ! ! ! through the swinging doors with a tray full of
! ! ! ! ! ! glasses, makes his way over to station at left)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Putting away the glasses at the station)
Sucks!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Youll get used to it, HC - its called work!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Finishes banging around the glasses, swings

! ! ! ! ! ! the empty glass rack around)
Work sucks!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Crashes through the kitchen door. GINO

! ! ! ! ! ! comes over with two glasses of wine, bangs
! ! ! ! ! ! them down)
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
Thatll be fifteen-fifty! You got it?!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Waving a bill at him)
Let me introduce you to a complete stranger.. Andrew Jackson.. you may keep the rest
of him as your gratuity...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Throws the bill at him, gestures at kitchen)
And get my friend in there a Becks...!! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-2-4
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
That gorillas already been sucking up Becks - and charging em to you - so far, thats
sixteen-fifty more, not including this next one...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Throwing another bill at him in disgust)
Heres Jacksons twin brother.. keep him!
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
You got it...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes back to bar)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
And get us a coupla menus - are you the waitress tonite?
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
! ! ! ! ! ! (Coming back with the Becks, grabs a couple

! ! ! ! ! ! of menus from the wait station, sets it all down
! ! ! ! ! ! on their table)
Maybe the gorilla could be your waitress...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes back to his bar)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
See? See? Just cant get good help.. cheeky!! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
He shouldnt call HC a gorilla...
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC bangs through the kitchen door with more

! ! ! ! ! ! glasses - SOUNDS of a baseball game are
! ! ! ! ! ! heard - he stops when he sees the Becks,
! ! ! ! ! ! puts glass rack down on top of their menus,
! ! ! ! ! ! pulls top off beer with his fingers, chugs entire
! ! ! ! ! ! beer as they watch, bangs it down empty on
! ! ! ! ! ! table)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Braaappp!
! ! ! ! ! ! (To ORAL, gesturing at glasses)
Rack em, big guy!
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-2-5
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC bangs back through kitchen door -

! ! ! ! ! ! SOUNDS of a baseball game, again)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (To LARA.)
A regular primate, Lara...
! ! ! ! ! ! (He picks up the rack of glasses, goes over to

! ! ! ! ! ! station, starts racking glasses)
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Its so good of you to help out, at a place you once owned...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Racking)
Yeah, yeah...
! ! ! ! ! ! (The kitchen door swings open, strains of

! ! ! ! ! ! Pavarotti are heard - CHEF DETOLLIO, a
! ! ! ! ! ! small Italian chef in a white outfit and large
! ! ! ! ! ! white chefs hat stands in the half-open doors)
! ! ! ! ! ! CHEF DETOLLIO
! ! ! ! ! ! (To GINO at bar, thick Italian accent)
No more chicken livers! No more chicken livers!! !
! ! ! ! ! ! (CHEF DETOLLIO watches ORAL rack

! ! ! ! ! ! glasses - to ORAL)
No more chicken livers...
! ! ! ! ! ! (CHEF DETOLLIO backs quickly through door,

! ! ! ! ! ! disappearing - strains of Pavarotti are heard)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Never understood that man - whats he trying to say? - No more chicken livers! - and
its not just the accent...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Coming back to the table)
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Maybe hes just saying - there are no more chicken livers...
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-2-6
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Sitting down)
No, no.. its more than that - No more chicken livers! - sounds obscure, but hes talking
about me - me! - thats why I left this business! - all those veiled allusions... !
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Oh, Oral, dont be so paranoid...
! ! ! ! ! ! (They drink their wine)
Tell me.. doesnt it bother you that .. your broadcasts are illegal?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Illegal? - how could jazz be illegal? - Lester Young, illegal?
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Broadcasting Lester Young without a license is illegal...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Illegal schmeagle! - you sound like the FCC!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Waves his hand about)
Does the government own the air we breathe?
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! LARA
Its not the air - its the radio waves! - the government has been given the power - by the
people! - to regulate the airwaves!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
I didnt give them the power - nobody asked me!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Turns away)
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Thats what I want to talk about, Oral.. your show - its against the law! - and you dont
want to hear this, but.. give up your show, Oral! - stop broadcasting! - you know you
could go to jail!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Me? - me! - Im not going to jail! - how they gonna catch me? - and Im not stopping
Lester Young! - Lester People love him - and theyre the ones who listen to my show! -
so get off it!
! ! ! ! ! ! (ORAL fumes)
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Maybe, the FCC thinks theyve already caught you...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-2-7
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Thinks - thinks! - I dont care what the FCC thinks!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Then.. you wont stop broadcasting illegally?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
I told you Im gonna broadcast Lester Young - no matter what!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Stands up)
Frankly, then, Oral.. we have nothing more to talk about.. and Im sorry.. for what Im
about to do...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Walk out..?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Grabbing her arm)
Lara.. please dont go.. sit down.. I dont want to argue.. lets talk...
! ! ! ! ! ! (LARA sits down. ENTER DELMORE through

! ! ! ! ! ! the swinging doors, mincing slightly - dressed
! ! ! ! ! ! as a French waiter, complete with fake wax
! ! ! ! ! ! mustache and a wig, order book and pen in
! ! ! ! ! ! hand)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (With a slight bow)
Monsieur.. Madamoiselle..
! ! ! ! ! ! (DELMORE hovers over them)
I am Del-moi! - I will be your wait-er to-nite..
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Del-moi.. thats like Delmore, right?
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Delmore..?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Del-moi, madamoiselle - Del-moi!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Whats a French waiter.. doing in an Italian restaurant?
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-2-8
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
I am from ze bor-der re-gion.. Provance...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Seems like I saw that cheese in your refrigerator last night...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
I do not own ze re-frig-a-rator - I have ze arm-oir!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
You keep your cheese with your clothes?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Ignoring him)
Would madamoiselle care to or-der?
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looking at menu)
Yes, I would like..
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
.. Ralph - she would like an order of Fetuccine Ralph - make that two Ralphs...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Writing the order)
Do I hear ze Fetu-ccine.. Ralph? - Monsieur, we may be out of ze Ralph, but I will check
with ze chef...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Gino the bartender says, you got it today...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Ze bar-ten-der!.. knows noth-ing!.. about food!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Im just saying...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses, then writes in order book)
Two Ralphs.. oui, Monsieur.. zeven-teen fif-ty.. each!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Seventeen-fifty!
! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-2-9
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Would zat be two sa-lads with ze Ralphs?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
What kind of dressing you got?!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Um, uh.. I would re-com-mend.. ze.. Peu-geot dress-ing...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Hmmm.. sounds too oily.. no, salads would only distract from the Ralph experience...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Draining his glass, holding it high)
But a bottle of good wine!.. whatcha got?! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pulling out a wine list)
Um, uh.. ze wine...! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Something cheeky, from your country...! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Perusing wine list)
Um, uh, yes.. ze..cheek-y...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Suddenly pointing)
Rat! - Oral, I swear I just saw a rat run into the kitchen!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Zere is not ze rat.. in ze kit-chen!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Ive seen that rat ...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Zere is no rat!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
OK, OK.. so what about ze wine?
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-2-10
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Turning the wine list over and around)
Um, uh.. I do not re-cog-nize..
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
.. the language?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Um, uh.. um, uh.. I would re-com-mend.. ze, ze.. Cha-teau.. Ro-dant.. from Par-is!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Rodan? - oh, sounds artsy!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Ro-dant, madamoiselle - Ro-dant!.. a spec-ial! - only for-ty-zeven fif-ty!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Forty-seven-fifty!! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA! ! ! !
Ohh.. Rodant! - sounds delicious! - whats it taste like?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Um, uh.. very.. chee-sy.. Mademoiselle.. with traces of ze.. jui-cy fruit..
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
You mean, like the gum?! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
..zest of lem-in!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Zest of lemming? - the furry guys? - over the cliff?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Lem-in! - zest of lem-in! - which gnaws on ze pa-late with um, uh.. au-da-city.. a little
no-body wine.. crying out!.. to be re-cog-nized.. zay-ing.. I am here! - look at me! - take
ze chance..!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
A bottle of Ro-dant, then!! !
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Calling out to kitchen)
One Ro-dant! - and two Fetu-ccine.. Ralphs..!
! ! ! ! ! ! (DELMORE minces toward the kitchen, writing)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-2-11
! ! ! ! ! ! CHEF DETOLLIO (OFFSTAGE)
Fetuccine Ralph? - a person.. has never heard of such a dish..!!!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Del-moi.. seems to be.. mincing.. or am I wrong, Lara?! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Maybe thats just his style...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Drinks her wine)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Calling out to Delmore)
And, um. uh.. Del-moi! - dont forget ze.. cork-screw!
! ! ! ! ! ! (DELMORE EXITS through kitchen doors -

! ! ! ! ! ! strains of Take me out to the ballgame! are
! ! ! ! ! ! heard in HCs bellowing voice, drowning out
! ! ! ! ! ! Pavarotti - the radio is switched to a ball game)
! ! ! ! ! ! (RADIO ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
..and its a long drive!.. off the wall!..the runners rounding third, heading for the plate!..
heres the throw.. and hes..!
! ! ! ! ! ! (The radio is suddenly switched back, and

! ! ! ! ! ! Pavarotti hits a long high note)
! ! ! ! ! ! CHEF DETOLLIO (O.S.)
! ! ! ! ! ! (Yelling)
Out! Out! A person is out.. of my kitchen! - and out.. of my restaurant!
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC bangs through the swinging doors, stops

! ! ! ! ! ! at their table, pulls his dishwash apron off, and
! ! ! ! ! ! throws it on ORALS menu)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
That spaghetti-face just threw me out at the pizza plate - Im outta this ballgame!
! ! ! ! ! ! (He storms toward the door - to GINO)
Countess.. give my check to Oral!
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
All two bucks..?
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-2-12
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC bangs out the front door - EXITS. ENTER
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE with a bottle of wine and two
! ! ! ! ! ! glasses. He sets down the bottle and glasses
! ! ! ! ! ! on the table, pulls out a corkscrew, and
! ! ! ! ! ! fumbles around, trying to open the bottle.)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
.. ze cork-screw.. is ze wrong cork-screw!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Here, Del-moi.. let me help you with that that...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Takes bottle and corkscrew from him, opens

! ! ! ! ! ! wine, smells the cork)
.. mmmm.. zest of lemm-ing!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pouring wine)
Come, Lara.. let us, off the cliff..!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
.. um, uh.. I will check on ze Ralphs...
! ! ! ! ! ! (DELMORE EXITS into kitchen. ORAL pours

! ! ! ! ! ! two glasses of wine - CHEF DETOLLIO
! ! ! ! ! ! appears through the swinging doors, goes over
! ! ! ! ! ! to their table, picks up dishwash apron,
! ! ! ! ! ! smooths it, folds it - lays it back down on
! ! ! ! ! ! ORALS menu)
! ! ! ! ! ! (To ORAL)
A person.. should wash.. his own dishes...
! ! ! ! ! ! (CHEF DETOLLIO EXITS backward through

! ! ! ! ! ! swinging doors. A pause. ORAL looks down at
! ! ! ! ! ! apron. LARA looks over at him.)
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
The nerve of that chef! - he expects you to wash dishes in a restaurant you once
owned? - let him get his own dishwasher!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Get his own.. dishwasher?! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-2-13
! ! ! ! ! ! (ORAL pauses, looking down at the apron)
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Cant he get another one? - dont you know anybody?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
I do know somebody..Lara, I do know...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Stands up slowly, apron in hand)
Lara.. I have something to tell you... I.. I really cant pay for this wine.. or this meal.. and
Chef DeTollios own dishwasher.. is me...
! ! ! ! ! ! (ORAL slips apron over his head)
..just me, Lara.. Im only.. a dishwasher...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Ties apron strings behind him, stands in front

! ! ! ! ! ! of her)
.. a lowly dishwasher.. but I do this job the best I can...!
! ! ! ! ! ! (ORAL gestures behind him at swinging doors

! ! ! ! ! ! to kitchen)
.. those are my dishes, Lara.. my silverware.. cups and glasses.. my pots and pans..
and every night, at 11, when the kitchen crew leaves.. I stay alone.. and clean their prep
tables.. the big Wolf stove.. hang the fry pans up on hooks.. the big cooking pots.. then
sweep and mop the floor.. and finally, at midnight, go home to my small lonely place..
sleep a few hours.. and try and get up to do my Lester show.. so it goes... there are no
stock options, Lara - no controlling interest, no restaurant, no Prez Studios and no
high-tech company.. Im just a low-tech dishwasher, Lara.. but Ive got a job to do.. and
Im sorry... its just that.. I liked you.. really liked you.. and Im lonely...! !
! ! ! ! ! ! (ORAL turns and goes through swinging doors

! ! ! ! ! ! without looking back. LARA sits, staring.
! ! ! ! ! ! ENTER DELMORE from the kitchen.)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Stands empty-handed - gestures helplessly)
Zere is no Ralph...
! ! ! ! ! ! (ENTER CHEF DETOLLIO from the kitchen)
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-2-14
! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes over to DELMORE - thick Italian accent)
Fetuccine.. Ralph? - a person.. should know.. his menu!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
But, um, uh.. Gino ze bartender says..
The bartender!.. knows nothing.. about food! - and neither do you! - out! - a person is
out! - of my restaurant!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pulls DELMOREs wig off his head, rips off his

! ! ! ! ! ! fake mustache, turns and walks back into the
! ! ! ! ! ! kitchen with them)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Rubbing his lip)
Im sorry, Lara.. so sorry for being the Delmore.. sorry, sorry, sorry!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Rising to leave)
Youre sorry? - tell that.. to Monsieur.. Dish-wash-er...
! ! ! ! ! ! (DELMORE EXITS out front door - ENTER

! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL with a rack of wineglasses, starts to go
! ! ! ! ! ! past LARA to the wait station, pauses, looks at
! ! ! ! ! ! her standing - puts his rack down)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Lara.. Im sorry for all this.. its just that Im crazy about Lester Young.. and Ill do
anything - wash dishes - broadcast an outlaw radio show - and even lie to you! - if thats
what it takes for people to hear his music - Im crazy about Lester Young...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes to LARA, puts his arms around her)
.. and Im crazy about you...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Kisses her - at first she resists, then puts her

! ! ! ! ! ! arms around him, kisses him back)
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
I knew it would come to this...
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-2-15
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Eyes closed, kissing her)
Mmmmmm.. this is like some wonderful dream...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Kissing him)
Dreams dont have bars in them...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Kissing her)
HCs dreams do...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Kissing him, reaching one hand up behind her

! ! ! ! ! ! - unhooks a hidden pair of ! handcuffs from her
! ! ! ! ! ! back belt)
Not iron bars...

! ! ! ! ! ! (LARA snaps handcuffs on him)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Stops kissing her, opens his eyes - both wrists

! ! ! ! ! ! are handcuffed together)
Whats this..? ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Stepping back, flashing a badge)
Special Agent Lara Hunter! - Im undercover with the FCC, Oral Hender - youre under
arrest! - and dont claim entrapment - you shouldnt have been broadcasting without a
license!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Straining at handcuffs)
And you shouldnt have been listening to my show! - youre no Lester Person!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Youre busted!
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
! ! ! ! ! ! (From bar)
Finally snagged your man, missy? - kinda kinky!! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-2-16
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Im not her man!!
! ! ! ! ! ! (To LARA)
Im busted - for what?
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Illegal radio transmissions! - Section 12 of the Code, page..
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Interrupting her)
.. how can Lester Young be illegal?
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Youre little jazz show is against the law!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Thats ridiculous! - who am I hurting by playing jazz music?
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Youre broadcasting an unauthorized radio show over the airwaves - its against the law!
- and that makes you a pirate, Mr. Hender!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
A pirate!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
You ignored our warnings - didnt pay our fines - you continue to broadcast illegally -
and now Im taking you in! - bail should be about.. fifty-thousand! - you got it, Mr. Stock
Options?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Of course Ive got it, Agent Hunter! - I only have to wash fifty-thousand dishes
fifty-thousand times!!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Well, I am so sorry about that! - now, dont try to run away! - were going back to Prez
Studios! - your little pirates den of inequity..
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Run away! - what am I going to do - hail a cab? - and why are we going back to my
studio? - you stay outta there!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
I just need to make one final broadcast...! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-2-17
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
You? - you cant stop Lester Young! - nobody can!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
K-CHILL is going off the air! - and so is Oral Hender! - your Lester People can send
future donations to the county jail - goodbye, Lester Young - and goodbye, pork-pie hat!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Thats it?
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Thats it.. except for the booking...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Taking ORAL by the arm)
Lets go, Hender.. its all over...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
.. all over.. great.. just what I need.. another depression...! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! (They EXIT past GINO)
! ! ! ! ! ! GINO
Dont worry, folks.. what happens here, stays here!
!
! ! ! ! ! ! SCENE END! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-3-1
! ! ! ! ! ! SCENE 3
AT RISE: ORAL lying in bed, sunglasses staring at the ceiling. TIME jumps off the night
stand, looms over ORAL.)
! ! ! ! ! ! TIME
! ! ! ! ! ! (Utters a swinging scything sound, pauses,

! ! ! ! ! ! then a whispering voice)
Oral.. its me.. the Grim Reaper...
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause)
Ive come for you, brother...
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-3-2
! ! ! ! ! ! TIME (Cont.)
Dont get excited.. it happens..
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause)
About now.. youre asking.. why me?
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause)
Why.. now?
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause)
And just.. why?
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause)
Because, Oral.. its your time.. to go... in just a few minutes.. at eight am.. sharp.. Ill
come, Oral Hender.. to reap.. your soul.. with my own sharp.. and very deadly.. scythe...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Utters a swinging scything sound, pauses)
Now I.. dont really.. want to do this.. because.. I kind of.. like you, Oral... Ive been
watching your.. travails.. from the side lines... you, washing your dishes.. you, talking to
your.. strange friends.. you playing your.. Lester records.. a noble cause.. and Ive
been.. watching you..trying to get at.. that poor girl.. but thats OK.. Id do it myself.. if
only I didnt have to.. wear this dark.. hooded robe.. and carry this big.. scythe around...
turns women off... but I dont want to.. talk about that.. its almost.. eight oclock, Oral..
almost time.. to reap.. your sorry soul...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Utters a swinging scything sound, pauses)
.. Im going to.. miss your show, Oral.. you see..I like Lester Young, too... and Ive been
listening.. to your show.. for a long.. long time.. not on.. the radio.. but through the..
ether...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Whispers)
.. that eternal.. ether...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Louder)
.. and Id like to.. hear your show.. one more.. time.. so.. Im thinking of.. giving you...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Whispers)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-3-3
! ! ! ! ! ! TIME (Cont.)
.. a brief.. reprieve...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Louder)
.. all you have to do, Oral.. is to.. get up .. now!.. do your.. Lester show... and if I.. dig it..
maybe you can do.. tomorrows show.. and the next one.. and.. who knows.. you might
even become... immortal...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Whispering)
..otherwise...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Utters a swinging scything sound. A pause.)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Muffled voice, struggles to rise)
Im.. Im.. getting up...
! ! ! ! ! ! (TIME slowly climbs back up on the night stand

! ! ! ! ! ! - ENTER HC HONCHO carrying a six-pack)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Popping open a beer)
You gettin up, man?
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! (HC chugs)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Struggling to his feet)
Oh, yeah...!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Struggles to his feet, goes over to his studio,
! ! ! ! ! ! looks down at his turntable)!
! ! ! ! ! ! What jazz show?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Shakes his head, turns to HC)
So, who bailed me out? - I know you guys couldnt...!!
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-3-4
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Nope - were broke! - your boss bailed you out...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Chef DeTollio?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
He said he still needs his dishes washed.. and his pots and pans, his glasses, his
silverware, his..
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
I got it, I got it.. he didnt say anything more?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Just one thing.. No more chicken livers!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Whats he mean, No more chicken livers!? - how could a chicken liver broadcast a
pirate radio show? - that takes guts!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Did broadcast, man, did.. your Lester show is history...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Chicken liver! - Ill show him - Ill show you - Ill show the FCC -
and Ill show Special Agent Lara Hunter!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Going towards his studio)
.. the President of the tenor sax - Mister Lester Willis Young! - is going back on the air..!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Wait a minute, wait a minute.. somethings happened, man...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Stopping)
Whats happened?
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-3-5
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Its Delmore.. he says hes going to off himself...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Off himself?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Its death by vacuum cleaner...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Vacuum..?! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
He says hes going to suckerate his brains out......
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Suckerate..?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
..with his most powerful vintage vacuum cleaner, running at full tilt..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Mimics vacuum SOUNDS, mimics holding a

! ! ! ! ! ! vacuum wand to his ear)
Whooo-wheee! Whoo-wheee!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Why doesnt he just straighten his life out?! !
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
He doesnt want to get involved.. anyway, its hereditary.. his father committed suicide
when he found he was allergic to himself.. Delmores been calling hospitals and trying to
donate all his organs.. hes got them all placed, except his head.. nobody wants to touch
his brain.. he says hes checking out of Motel Earth!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Delmores not gonna kill himself.. thats ridiculous!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
He took Furmovia to the pound this morning...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Nanooshka? - to the pound?
! ! ! ! ! ! (They look at each other - then clutch each

! ! ! ! ! ! other)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! TOGETHER
Hes gonna die!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-3-6
! ! ! ! ! ! (They free themselves)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
OK.. wait a minute - wait a minute! - this is not gonna happen! - Delmore is not gonna
kill himself - where is he?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
I sent him shopping - for beer therapy...! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Oh, no - oh, no - Im gonna go out there right now and find him - bring him back here -
so the two of us can work on him - well pull him outta this depression - you watch!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Youre gonna talk Delmore outta suicide? - that could take hours, days! - what if I get
bored?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes toward newspaper on table)
You got the sports page?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Intercepting him, picking up newspaper)
HC... Im tired of you lookin only at the sports page..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Finds sports section)
Sports! - bunch of overpaid men, chasing balls around - kids games!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Puts sports section under his arm)
This thing with Delmores much more important than the sports page - its real life!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Throws HC the rest of the paper, waves sports

! ! ! ! ! ! section at him)
Now, you try and find somethin more intelligent in that paper than sports - Im gonna go
out there and try and save Delmores life!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Glances down at sports headlines)
Hmmm.. they might call off the World Series, again.. too bad...
! ! ! ! ! ! (EXITS with sports section)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-3-7
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Staring forlornly after him)
Call off.. the Series? - Oral!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Stands with an agonized look, then reluctantly

! ! ! ! ! ! starts fumbling through rest of paper)
Classifieds..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Drops section on floor)
..Travel..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Drops section on floor)
.. the Arts!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Throws section on floor)
.. World News?
! ! ! ! ! ! (As it is the last section, he is forced to look

! ! ! ! ! ! through it - reads haltingly)
Af..ghan..i..stan... oil up.. and down.. the economy down.. and down...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Peels off page, drops it on floor)
.. Obama.. Obama.. Obama..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Peels off page, drops it on floor - down to the

! ! ! ! ! ! last page, he is looking for anything - he turns
! ! ! ! ! ! page around, looks at back, at front, looking)
.. global warming.. increasing.. world stocks.. decreasing...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Something finally catches his attention - he

! ! ! ! ! ! squints his eyes down)
.. the Blob... ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks up through his glasses, slightly

! ! ! ! ! ! crazed look magnifying his eyes)
The Blob!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Reads haltingly)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-3-8
! ! ! ! ! ! HC (Cont.)
Distant stars.. could end life.. on Earth... the end of.. the world?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses, looks up, looks down, reads haltingly)

.. scientists.. have recently.. observed the.. ejection of.. a huge blob.. of hot gas.. from a
nearby super.. nova... ex-tending in.. the direction of.. our solar system.. that should
it..pene..trate.. our planets.. atmo-sphere.. could.. extinguish.. all life on Earth.. as we
know it...
! ! ! ! ! ! (He looks up)
No more.. baseball?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks over at window, goes over to it,

! ! ! ! ! ! newspaper in hand - anxiously peers up and
! ! ! ! ! ! out)
Good... still cloudy!
! ! ! ! ! ! (ENTER ORAL - HC grabs him)
Were OK, man - were gonna be OK! OK! - there will be no Blob! - life goes on! - and
there will be.. another World Series!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pushing him off)
What Blob? - of course were OK, HC! - theyll always be another Series.. I found
Delmore.. found out some of whats wrong with him!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
You mean.. besides the obvious?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
This could be serious, HC!... seems hes frustrated writing his suicide note.. I told him to
come right back here, and talk to the two of us!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Oh, dont worry, Oral - Ill help out my little buddy!
! ! ! ! ! ! (ENTER DELMORE, clutching paper and a

! ! ! ! ! ! pencil)
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-3-9
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Trouble with your suicide note, Delmore? - how bout.. Im a nobody, with nothin goin
on, nowhere to go.. and surely you can understand...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
How bout, Because I have no friends...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Oh, Delmore, stop that! - were youre friends, man - were just tryin to help you out! -
how bout, No particular reason... - huh?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Under that thick lizard skin of yours, HC, lies.. another lizard.. Delmore, we really want
to help you through this thing!.. now, in the first place.. it cant be all that bad!
! ! ! ! ! ! (All three look at each other)
Okay, okay.. how about in the second place?
! ! ! ! ! ! (All three look away)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Um, uh.. there is no second place...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Throws down paper and pencil, goes towards

! ! ! ! ! ! door)
.. and I dont need a suicide note.. its only you two would read it anyway...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses at door)
.. its just that Im a nobody little sinner...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Well! - were all sinners, Delmore.. do you know what the worst sin in the world is?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Being a faggot...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Forgetting to feed your dog...

! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
No, no.. having no one, having no one to love.. loving no one...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)
Um, uh.. then, I am guilty.. because I.. um, uh.. have no one to love...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-3-10
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
You love Nanooshka...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Lets not go there, Oral - I dont want him kicked out of our apartment on a morals
charge...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
But Nanooshkas not a real person - shes only a dog person...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
The point is, you love something other than yourself - right, HC?
! ! ! ! ! ! (They both look over at him)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Hey.. hey! - I dont just love myself! - why, I love.. I love.. beer.. and I love.. baseball..
and, and.. I love..
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
.. broads...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Them too!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (To DELMORE)
You start off loving something - someone - anything! - outside yourself.. and then you
move on to the real thing - loving a person! - were talking about love!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Um, uh.. love? How?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Love? Why?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Because you need love! - we all need love!.. look, guys, I gotta pack up my studio.. the
shows over! - HC, do me a favor - I want you to stay right here and listen to Delmore -
whatever he wants to talk about, let him get it off his chest - but dont let him near a
vacuum cleaner! - Delmore.. stay, boy, stay!.. and after I.. throw out my records.. well
figure this thing out together - as friends!.. not as refugees.. from reality...
! ! ! ! ! ! (ORAL goes over to studio, starts picking

! ! ! ! ! ! records out of the milk cartons, throws them
! ! ! ! ! ! into the wastebasket)
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-3-11
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Walking around DELMORE in a circle)
Delmore, my man.. sit down...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Taps chair - DELMORE sits down)
Now, Delmore.. you and I have known each other a long time.. gone through a lot of shit
together.. and I dont want you to leave.. I mean, leave this scene, man.. is, is.. there
something you want to tell me, Delmore?.. something you want to.. get off your chest?..
something you want to.. confess to me, man?.. to tell your ol buddy, The Honcho?..
huh?.. something terrible, man?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
.. um, uh... its just that... nothing good ever happens to me.. good things only happen to
other people.. I see them get the.. lover.. get the job.. get the money.. the invites.. the
tips... the big breaks!... but it never happens to me.. its all working against me.. this
great big scheme.. I got nobody.. and I got nothing.. and Im getting tired of it all.. tired of
being a hopeless loser with a dogwife - the butt of jokes! - Hopeless Dopeless, thats
me! - but most of all.. Im getting tired.. of being alone.. so tired.. of being all alone...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Man, Delmore.. this is stressful! - beer! - I need a beer! - you get that six-pack?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Shakes his head, puts out empty hands)
Um, uh.. I, uh, I, um.. I.. didnt get the beer, HC...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses, slowly)
You.. didnt get.. the beer? - I sent you on a beer run! - what happened, man?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Mimics the actions in his story)
Um, uh..well.. well, I was on my way to the 7-11, um, uh.. and I started walking up that
steep hill, you know.. and then all of a sudden I looked up.. and there, on top of the hill..
was this quite, quite, large.. um, uh, very large..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Puts hand at chest level. HC is silent, staring

! ! ! ! ! ! at him.)
..red, red, um, uh.. rooster!.. blocking the sidewalk.. just staring down at me! - I kept
walking up, thinking, thinking, um, uh.. its just a bird!.. itll move, it has to move.. after
all, Im um, uh.. human! - and Im walking up, and I look up again.. and the chickens
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-3-12
staring down at me, with great big chicken eyes! - and Im still walking up, and the
chickens looking um, uh.. bigger and bigger!.. and its still not moving!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses. HC is just staring at him.)
.. and now Im thinking, uh, um.. What if this chicken is not going to move? What if it
has rabies, or something? What if I get up there.. and it.. um, uh.. attacks me? - goes for
my throat! And this giant red chicken is staring right into my eyes.. my eyes! And its still
not moving!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses. HC stares at him. DELMORE mimics
! ! ! ! ! ! his own actions.)
And I.. so I.. um, uh, I.. slowly turn around.. and slowly.. start back down the hill.. slowly,
slowly - then faster, faster.. I look back, and the big chicken eyes are just staring at me..
and I start running faster and faster! - and I look back - the giant eyes still staring after
me!.. and then I!.. then I, um, uh.. ran back here as fast as I could! - without the.. um,
uh.. without the beer, HC...
! ! ! ! ! ! (DELMORE sits down, looks over at HC. A

! ! ! ! ! ! pause.)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
So.. we got.. no beer.. because you.. got punked.. by a chicken...
! ! ! ! ! ! (DELMORE says nothing, looks off)
A giant.. chicken!
! ! ! ! ! ! (DELMORE waves hand at chest level)
Frothing.. at the beak!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
It was the eyes!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Turning away, shaking his head)
I dont know, man.. I really dont know... listen, man.. I dont know if I can live with a
roommate whos afraid of a chicken!.. tomorrow morning, youre gonna to be shaving -
you do shave?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Mimics shaving)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-3-13
.. and youre gonna look in the mirror.. and youre gonna see your face.. and youll stop..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses, mock razor at his neck)
.. razor at your neck.. and youre gonna say..! ! ! ! ! !

! ! ! ! ! ! (Mimics looking into a mirror, mimics
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORES voice)
.. um, uh.. Im lookin.. at the um, uh.. face.. of a man.. who got.. um, uh.. punked.. by
a .. um, uh.. chicken...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Mimics looking into a mirror, then forces his

! ! ! ! ! ! head away, as if he cant look at himself)
.. and youre never gonna be able to.. um, uh.. look at yourself, again!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes over to DELMORE, looks down at him)
Delmore.. a real man.. cannot allow himself.. to be punked by a chicken... this is the nut
of your problem... no wonder you think about offing yourself!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Stares down at DELMORE, slightly crazed

! ! ! ! ! ! eyes enlarged by his glasses)
Delmore, my boy.. theres nothing else for it..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Voice rising, staring down into DELMORES

! ! ! ! ! ! eyes - DELMORE starts sliding down into his
! ! ! ! ! ! seat)
..youre gonna go back out there, man..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Voice rising)
.. go back up that hill..!

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! (Voice rising)
.. find that chicken..!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Voice rising, staring down into DELMOREs

! ! ! ! ! ! eyes - DELMORE has slid all the way down in
! ! ! ! ! ! his seat)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-3-14
! ! ! ! ! ! HC (Cont.)
.. and stare that chicken.. right down into the ground!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Voice rising, bending over DELMORE,

! ! ! ! ! ! shouting into his face)
.. then step over him.. go on up that steep hill.. and get that six-pack!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Stares right into DELMORES face - Delmore,

! ! ! ! ! ! slumped way down in his chair, stares back up
! ! ! ! ! ! at him, helplessly)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Um, uh.. um, uh.. you want me to.. want me to..to...
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC grabs him by the front of his shirt, pulls

! ! ! ! ! ! him up out of the chair, grabs him by both
! ! ! ! ! ! arms, shouts into his face)
Man up, troop!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Spins him around, shoves him toward the

! ! ! ! ! ! door)
And punk that chicken!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Staggering to door)
Um, uh.. punk, punk, punk.. punk, punk, punk..
! ! ! ! ! ! (He staggers out door)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Yelling out door after him)
.. THAT CHICKEN!
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC slams door, leans back against it, looking

! ! ! ! ! ! at ceiling, shaking his head)
! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! SCENE END
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-4-1
! ! ! ! ! ! SCENE 4
AT RISE: ORAL in bed, fully clothed, sunglasses staring at the ceiling. TIME on the
nightstand beside him.)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (To nobody)
I can never love...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)
I.. can.. never.. love...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)
I am.. utterly defeated... I lie here.. wounded.. along the road to love...
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause)
! ! ! ! ! ! TIME
! ! ! ! ! ! (Suddenly)
Despair.. or action! - which is it to be, Oral? - come on now, boy - pull yourself up outta
the mud - come on! - stop grubbin around in that ol mud, and stop eatin those water
lilies and bugs - pull yourself up outta there, ape-man, half-man.. become a human.. be
a human!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)
Ill just lie here.. and let the rain of despair.. beat down upon my soul...
! ! ! ! ! ! TIME
Pull, Oral, pull! - give it all you got, boy! - come on up here on the hill, now - come on up
with us hunters! - weve all been waitin for ya, up here a-waitin for ya - dang, it took a
long time to climb on down from those trees and get on up here on this hill! - and now
we gotta get some things straight! - yeah! - were a new people and its a new day, and
we got things to do, places to go, and changes to go through! - lets get it! - sluuurrp! -
urrrp! - I hear that ol mud givin way, Oral! - we all up here on this primeval jungle of a
hill are just a-sittin here in this clearin, waitin on you, Oral, to bring Fire up offen that
lightnin-struck tree! - lets get it on up here, now! - bring that Fire on up outta that mud,
Oral - we gotta use it! - Fire! - we wanna become real men, Oral - we dont wanna be
ape-men no more - we had enough o that! - yeah, Oral, we all up here on this hill need
that Fire - we got progress to make, evolutionary goals to reach!
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-4-2
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Lying still)
If I could just.. cut my heart out.. throw it away.. leave it on a street somewhere...
! ! ! ! ! ! TIME
Oral.. the tribes gotta move on!.. to another waterhole, another stream.. further on down
the mountain range!.. where theres more game, more opportunity!.. yeah, we got us
some movin to do!
! ! ! ! ! ! (No response from ORAL)
.. just as soon as we get that Fire on up here, Oral!
! ! ! ! ! ! (No response. Shouting.)
Wheres that Fire? - whos got that Fire! - which ape is it?
! ! ! ! ! ! (No response. Shouting.)
Tell him to drag hisself outta that mud and glump down there, and get on up here with
that Fire!
Were waitin on you fellow hunter, up here on this grassy slope - the tips of our spears
just a-glintin in the rising sun - were ready to go - ready to become! - with Fire on our
side, we can go on! - no onell be able to touch us, Oral - no other creature! - why, weve
got this rich primeval world in our hands, Oral - its ours! - a ripe banana waiting to be
plucked! - grab this new world, Oral - peel it! - bite into it!
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Bananas...
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! TIME
Do I hear something from ol Oral? - some kinda grunt of intelligence? - a desperate
groan for help?- does someone else wanna go down the mountain range with us - and
bring that Fire?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
.. bananas...
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-4-3
! ! ! ! ! ! TIME
No Fire?.. well, I guess not.. you hunters! - wait up for me.. I want to be a man! - not an
ape - we dont need that Fire! - wait up, men! - Oral, here, wants to stay down there in
the slimy ol mud by hisself and be an ape - hes a mud-grubber! - let him be, I say! -
lets move out, men - into the new waitin dawn! - into our bright new world - so very full
of promise! - our world - ours! - lets take it!.. dont look back now, men, at the poor ol
beast - he was no brother - couldnt carry no spear - stuck down there in the mud - with
his water lilies and bugs - lets move out, men!
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
.. sure wish.. I had some bananas..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Raises himself up, peers at the refrigerator

! ! ! ! ! ! through his sunglasses)
.. no bananas.. no bananas!.. what to do.. what to do?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Rolls over, covers his head with his pillow. The

! ! ! ! ! ! door opens - ENTER HC, carrying a bunch of
! ! ! ! ! ! bananas)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Hey, Oral! - I got no beer, cause I got no dinero! - but trade you a bunch o bananas
from the pad, for a bunch o beer money! - wanna a banana?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Rolling over)
.. yes! - oh, please, please, yes!.. a banana...
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC tosses him the bunch - ORAL strips off a

! ! ! ! ! ! banana, peels it, eats it - holds onto bunch
! ! ! ! ! ! tightly)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
.. thank you, thank you, thank you!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Eating a banana, ORAL hands HC a few

! ! ! ! ! ! dollars - the door suddenly opens - a 6-pack
! ! ! ! ! ! comes sliding across the floor, followed by
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE, swaggering into the room with two
! ! ! ! ! ! beers in hand - his sweater has a layer of red
! ! ! ! ! ! chicken feathers on top of the white dog fur -
! ! ! ! ! ! he swaggers to a stop in front of HC -
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-4-4
! ! ! ! ! ! Delmore blows some feathers off his sleeve

! ! ! ! ! ! onto HC - tosses him a beer - pops open the
! ! ! ! ! ! other one, takes a long chug)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Youre lookin.. at a man.. who just punked.. a giant chicken... big-time...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Chugs)
.. a man.. who stared Chicken Charley.. right down into the sidewalk!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Mimics doing so)
.. then stepped over Mr. Chicken.. went boldly up that steep hill - and scored some beer!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Toasts HC)
.. to a new man, HC.. a real man!.. no more suicide notes.. no more vacuum cleaners..
no more depressions.. a real man, Oral.. not a chicken liver...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Hey!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
No more vacuum cleaners? - how we gonna pay the rent?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
You, my man.. are going to get.. a job...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
A.. job?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
A real job...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
A job? - a job! - who needs a job? - I dont need no stinkin job! - not when I got The
Thang, right here in my back pocket..!
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC pulls folded green sports page out)
..its time for the The Thang, baby - The Thang! - its win, place, or showtime!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Opens sports page, slaps it)
.. eight thousand smack-a-roonies! - here we come, baby - ol HC and The Thang, baby
- The Thang!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-4-5
! ! ! ! ! ! (Mimics riding, mimics a track announcer)
.. and theyre runnin hard!.. on the curve! - and The Thangs makin his big move!.. on
the outside! - theyre nose-to-nose! - thunderin down the stretch! - and The Thangs
smellin victory - sweet, sweet victory..!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Grins at them, then looks down, reads sports

! ! ! ! ! ! page haltingly)
The Thang.. The Thang... broke late.. got bogged down.. in the mud.. and lacked
speed.. to reach.. con-tention...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Throws down sports page, turns, looks off -

! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL and DELMORE look at each other, look
! ! ! ! ! ! at HC)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looking back at them)

Whatre you.. whatre you lookin at me for?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes over to window, looks up and out, a

! ! ! ! ! ! pause)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
You OK, HC?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause, then over his shoulder)
Just waitin for The Blob...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
The Blob?!! !
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC says nothing, continues to stare up and

! ! ! ! ! ! out)
! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Yesterday, HC.. I fixed my last vacuum cleaner, down at the bowling alley - they said
they need a new security guard - people been stealing their balls! - as you have some
expertise in this area - and being an ex-Marine! - I highly recommended you! - they want
you to get on down there - the job is yours! - you got a job!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
A.. job?
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-4-6
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC pauses, considers)
Well, then.. if Im gonna work.. whatre you gonna do, Mr. Chicken-Punker?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
While youre guarding those shiny bowling balls, Im going to.. open our apartment to
the public.. and charge admission! - for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to clean rugs
with a classic vacuum cleaner!.. and for a chance to view my display of.. vintage
vacuum cleaner parts!.. also, Im going to play house, with my new.. significant other...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
With Nanooshka? - but shes your old significant other - and you already play house
with her, Delmore!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Not her.. Nanooshkas just a.. big furry, very nice furry.. dog.. but, but.. shes
not...human.. shes just a.. dog!
! ! ! ! ! ! (He sobs shortly, wipes his eyes - turns away,

! ! ! ! ! ! turns back)
HC.. punking that chicken has forced me to come to grips with myself, with who I am as
a man.. and to come to grips with my secret - and some would consider unnatural -
love..
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
.. for a chicken?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
No, no, HC - I finally met somebody.. a person - a real person!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Holds up walkie-talkie)
..got on the phone with them - arranged yet another secret meeting at DeTollios on the
way home - you never knew, HC! - we had a couple of glasses of Chianti Classico, at a
romantic table.. then I said to my new friend.. why dont you.. slide by my pad.. and Ill
show you my collection of.. vintage vacuum cleaner parts.. just to set the mood!.. should
be here any minute...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Mood for what? - to vacuum the floor together?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
No, you poor, clueless being.. to set the mood for love.. its all about the love, HC!
! ! ! ! ! ! (The walkie-talkie crackles - DELMORE

! ! ! ! ! ! speaks into it)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-4-7
..yes, dear, Im here.. in Apartment 1A.. come on up, Snookums...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Snookums? Snookums! - Delmore, a man does not say Snookums!
! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Snookums, Snookums, Snookums!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Delmore, Delmore.. stop that!
! ! ! ! ! ! (A KNOCK on the door - HC pauses, looks at

! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE, looks at ORAL, goes to door,
! ! ! ! ! ! opens it - ENTER The HUMAN ISOTOPE)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Snookums!
Tookums!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
What.. is that?
What.. are you?
! ! ! ! ! ! (He goes to over to DELMORE , who slowly

! ! ! ! ! ! takes his hand)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Its a man, HC.. a beautiful man...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Let go of the hand, Delmore!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Taking out his sword, the sword lights up - he

! ! ! ! ! ! points it at HC)
Get back! - Im the Human Isotope! - Ive already conquered the known universe, so
stay back! - yes, Im an alien, whizzing around planets - saving lives with my sword light!
! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-4-8
! ! ! ! ! ! (He waves sword around)
.. and I could save you! - or not! - because Im a gay priest, defending my flock from
rabid wolves! - and nobody wants to be gay, right? - you can tell me, because Im a
shepherd with a great big staff, who wants to..!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Shut the hell up!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
HC.. dont tell the man that I love.. to shut up!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
What? - you said what?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
I said.. the man that I love!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
The man that you.. love?
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
HC.. punking that chicken brought me out of the closet.. I am gay, HC.. and this is my
man...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Gay? - youre gay? - Delmore, Delmore, Delmore - step back from the cliff! - oh, Oral,
Oral - stop all this!
.. and you, Delmore, are my man - my real man!! !
! ! ! ! ! ! (The HUMAN ISOTOPE takes something off

! ! ! ! ! ! his costume)! !
.. I bring a gift.. all the way from Vacuum-land - they know me there!! !
! ! ! ! ! ! (The HUMAN ISOTOPE hands item to

! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looking down at it, visibly moved)
A vintage.. 1954 Electrolux vacuum.. upholstery cleaning tool...oh, Human!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-4-9
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Takes HUMANS hand in his own)
.. lets go upstairs, now, Snookums.. I want to show you.. some of my own, most very
private.. vintage parts...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Puts his hands over ears)
Delmore - what are you saying?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Turns his back on them)
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Going over to HC - cupping his hands around

! ! ! ! ! ! his mouth, shouting at him)
Hes going to move in, HC! - better make another beer run, up that steep hill! - make it a
twelve-pack! - and take your sweet time!
! ! ! ! ! ! (DELMORE takes the HUMAN ISOTOPES

! ! ! ! ! ! hand in his own, they EXIT, hand in hand)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Lowering his hands)

.. take my sweet time.. great.. Delmores gone gay.. another friggin depression!... Oral..
I just cant live with Delmore and that.. that thing! - but the apartments in his name... so,
Im just gonna have to go down, land that security job - move out, get my own
apartment - come home from work - and just sit there alone, chugging my beers,
listening to my ball games, and hoping that one day, Ill get lucky again...
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC pauses, then looks up at ceiling)
Do you hear.. squeaking?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
I dont hear anything...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Im hearin friggin squeakin!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Im only hearing one of my own depressions coming on...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses, looks around slowly)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-4-10
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL (Cont.)
.. maybe.. maybe Im dead.. maybe I didnt get up on time.. and the Grim Reaper took
me.. or maybe I fell off one of those signs at night, while moving that antenna.. maybe
Im in purgatory, now - for three or eleven years - I dont know what!...no, no.. Im not
dead.. but I might as well be.. I got no job, HC.. got no girl.. no food.. got no jazz show..
down to my last twenty bucks!.. and everywhere I look.. every thought I think.. leads me
to another depression.. and I can hear the Grim Reaper with his sharp scythe, just
outside the door.. hes listening, HC.. and waiting, waiting.. for just the right time.. to cut
me down.. well, HC.. maybe this time, Ill just beat that ol Grim Reaper at his own
game.. and youll have to cut me down.. from the ceiling...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Oral! - man, what are you sayin? - dude!
! ! ! ! ! ! (ORAL slowly goes over to his studio, sits, flips

! ! ! ! ! ! switches - equipment lights up - he pauses,
! ! ! ! ! ! flips switches - lights go off - he sits back,
! ! ! ! ! ! dejected)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Oral.. this is a case of the cows.. comin home to roost!.. what goes around, man..
circles the wagons.. and then comes back and - BAM!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Slaps himself in the head)
.. slaps you upside the head! - and there you go again, man - there we all go! - diving
down into another depression! - Oral.. pull out it! - you can do it, man - I know you can! -
youll get another job, youll get some more money - another chick will someday cross
your path! - and I know you love jazz, but whatever you do, dont put your show back on
the air! - cause if you do, the FCC will hear it again, and youll soon be sharing a cell
with some big red-headed guy, who wants to be.. your special friend...
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause - ORAL looks at HC, looks up at

! ! ! ! ! ! ceiling, looks back at HC)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Sighing)
HC.. were just Darwinian losers.. natural selection is selecting us out.. you, me,
Delmore.. we, who did not breed, can not breed, will never breed.. and just as weak
specimens of the race.. are soon weeded out.. by evolution.. were weeding ourselves
out.. our traits will never be passed on, HC.. were out of the gene pool, the three of us..
just sittin in lawn chairs, watchin the rest of mankind splash and swim around.. were
just.. genetic trash, HC.. sittin by the side of the pool.. waitin to be tossed out by the
lifeguards, that natural selection crew...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-4-11
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses, looking at him)
I have.. no idea.. what youre talking about, man.. look! - if it aint in the sports page -
I aint interested!! !
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC chugs his beer)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Im just sayin, HC.. that its all about the love were missin.. you, me, Delmore.. and if
any one of us can find some love.. if Delmore can find a little love.. does it really matter
where?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)
I dont know, man, I really dont know.. but it doesnt seem right! - how could a man be a
real man, loving another man - huh?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
HC, Delmore is a real man.. a caring, loving man.. and dont forget - hes your friend!
! ! ! ! ! ! (A KNOCK at the door)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Can you get that, HC? - Im going to put on my head phones, listen to Lester Young by
myself - and just tune out the world...
! ! ! ! ! ! (ORAL puts on his headphones - another

! ! ! ! ! ! KNOCK.)
.. it could be Delmore and his new boyfriend.. they probably need help untangling their
cords...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Puts on a record, turns away, starts slowly

! ! ! ! ! ! rocking to a rhythm)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Thats not funny, Oral!
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC puts down his beer, reluctantly goes over

! ! ! ! ! ! to door, slowly opens it - DELMORE stands
! ! ! ! ! ! there, alone)!
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Hello.. my friend.. how you doing?...we, we.. Human and I.. decided to take it slow.. and
walk Nanooshka.. but I cant find the leash.. do you know where my leash is?
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-4-12
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses, gestures upstairs)
Its in the frig...

! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
The frig?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Where all things go, after too many beers.. your leash is in the frig, sittin right next to
my watch...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
Thanks.. and thanks for lookin out for me, HC...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Turns to EXIT)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Delmore...
! ! ! ! ! ! (DELMORE turns back, a pause, they look at

! ! ! ! ! ! each other)
Its OK, man.. about your.. partner, I mean.. its OK...
! ! ! ! ! ! DELMORE
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)
That means a lot, HC...
! ! ! ! ! ! (DELMORE EXITS. A pause.)
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA (OFFSTAGE)
Hop, hop, hop?
! ! ! ! ! ! (ANNA ENTERS)
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
Hop, hop, hop?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Anna.. Betty! - Anna!
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
I just saw Delmore - he had his man with him, and so I said, ..and where is my man? -
and he said, In that pad, sucking a beer - go on in..!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes up to him)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-4-13
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA (Cont.)
Youre not mad at me, are you, big boy?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Of course not, Anna.. Betty! - Anna!.. Im.. glad to see you...
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
I thought maybe we could hop along, and just talk...
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Well.. I was just about to walk - walk! - down to the bowling alley...
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
Oh, how romantic!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Taking his arm)
Hop, hop, hop? Hop, hop, hop?
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
Now, stop that!! !
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses, looks at her, looks over at ORAL with

! ! ! ! ! ! his headphones on, staring off, listening to his
! ! ! ! ! ! music - HC looks back at ANNA, considers)
Oh.. all right.. no harm in just one little..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Takes a little hop)
.. hop..
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Putting her hands up in a hopping position)

Hop, hop, hop!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looking back towards ORAL, slowly putting

! ! ! ! ! ! his hands into a hopping position, hops)
.. hop.. hop...
! ! ! ! ! ! ANNA
Hop, hop, hop!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-4-14
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Hopping slowly, hands up)
.. hop.. hop, hop..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Grabbing her hand, both hopping quickly)
.. oh, hop, hop, hop!
! ! ! ! ! ! (They hop out the door together - ORALS

! ! ! ! ! ! record ends - he takes of his headphones, gets
! ! ! ! ! ! up, goes over to table, picks up can of beer,
! ! ! ! ! ! looks at it, looks at door)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC (OFFSTAGE)
Wait a minute, Anna.. Betty! - Anna! - I forgot my beer...
Well, you just hop back in there and get that beer, Mister Tree Frog!!
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC ENTERS, hands up, hopping slowly,

! ! ! ! ! ! looking down at his feet)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
.. hop.. hop, hop...
Hurry, Snookums..!
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Over his shoulder)
.. Tookums!! !
! ! ! ! ! ! (Doesnt see ORAL standing by the table,

! ! ! ! ! ! holding his beer can)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Looking down at his feet)
Hop..hop..
! ! ! ! ! ! (Bumps into ORAL - who holds out his beer

! ! ! ! ! ! can)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Hippity-hop down the bunny trail, Snookum Tookums?
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-4-15
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Grabbing beer)
Look! - you deal with your depression - and Ill deal with mine!
! ! ! ! ! ! (He turns and strides toward door in an overly

! ! ! ! ! ! manly fashion, beer in hand, pauses at door,
! ! ! ! ! ! turns)
! ! ! ! ! ! HC
.. but if it takes a little hopping to score.. yeah, man, Ill hop!.. look, Im gonna go down
there and get that job, Oral.. loan you some cash from my first check.. and if I get lucky
with Anna.. Betty! - Anna! - and things work out.. might even ask her to move into my
new digs...! !
! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause, they look at each other)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Its been too real, HC...

! ! ! ! ! ! HC
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)
Catch you on the flip side, man...
! ! ! ! ! ! (HC EXITS. ORAL pauses, doesnt see LARA

! ! ! ! ! ! come through the open door - she stands by
! ! ! ! ! ! the door, watching him)
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Staring off)
Alone... am I all alone, at last?.. little me, with my slingshot of a jazz show - up against
that mighty goliath, the FCC?.. oh, no.. Im not alone - I got all the Lester People out
there.. and what they want to hear.. what they need to hear.. is the President of the
tenor saxophone - Mister Lester Willis Young!
! ! ! ! ! ! (ORAL gets up, goes towards his studio)
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA! !
! ! ! ! ! ! (Suddenly)
Surprise, surprise!
! ! ! ! ! ! (ORAL turns and looks at her)
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-4-16
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Are you gonna arrest me again, for even thinking about broadcasting my show? - what
are you, the thought police?
! ! ! ! ! ! (Putting out his hands)!
Then do it! - but youll never stop his saxophone! - there will always be another Oral
Hender out there, broadcasting Lester Youngs music - even if its against your law!
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Oral.. Im not taking you anywhere.. in fact.. I just resigned my job.. no more Special
Agent Hunter with the FCC...! !
! ! ! ! ! ! (Holds up a manila envelope)
.. but I took your file with me...
! ! ! ! ! ! (Drops file into the wastebasket)
.. it just wasnt me, playing a phony airwaves cop, enforcing someone elses moral
codes.. now, Im just Lara, again - the girl down at the City Bakery who bakes organic
bread for the masses.. the bakery took me back, Oral.. no hard feelings.. but what about
you?.. look, I dont know if broadcasting without a license is so wrong.. I mean, on paper
it is - but Ive learned something from you, Oral.. that life is more than just paper, codes,
and enforcements - lifes gotta have some life in it! - gotta have some laughs.. some
love!.. and, and some music! - go ahead and broadcast your show, Oral! - for the Lester
People!
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Broadcast my show, Lara? - easy for you to say! - Im the one who risks getting busted
again - by some other special agent! - maybe serve big time this time, with some big
red-head as my cellmate!
! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes over to his studio, looks down at the

! ! ! ! ! ! poster of Lester Young playing his sax - it
! ! ! ! ! ! displays over his head on a screen)
But.. if Lester Youngs music still lives.. then I still have to play it...
! ! ! ! ! ! (ORAL goes over to his studio, starts flipping

! ! ! ! ! ! switches - tubes light up)
Pork-pie hat is back!
! ! ! ! ! ! (He picks a record out of the waste basket)
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2-4-17
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
! ! ! ! ! ! (Watching him)
Oral.. is there room in your heart.. for both Lester Young.. and me?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Sure.. sure.. in my, my heart?.. I, I think theres room... ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
.. tell me.. if things ever worked out between us.. what would that mean to you?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)
That.. that.. Id have to buy another plate?
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
Another plate.. you have only have one plate?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
Im only one guy...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
But, youre one guy.. whos starting to become.. my hero...
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses, looks at her, looks at record, puts it

! ! ! ! ! ! on the turntable, starts up turntable, puts
! ! ! ! ! ! needle down - Polka Dots And Moonbeams
! ! ! ! ! ! plays)
Lara.. maybe.. maybe its time for me to stop sittin in a lawn chair - and time for me to
dive into the pool...
! ! ! ! ! ! LARA
What pool?
! ! ! ! ! ! ORAL
! ! ! ! ! ! (Pulling her to him)
Come here, Ill show you...
! ! ! ! ! ! (ORAL kisses her - as Lester Young plays on -

! ! ! ! ! ! and the LIGHTS DIM)
! ! ! ! ! ! CURTAIN
! ! ! ! ! !
! !
! !
! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! !
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! !

Another Depression

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! ! ! !

Copyright 2009, Ed Ballou

CHARACTERS: In order of appearance.

ORAL HENDER - in his 30s, usually wears sunglasses.

DELMORE CRUMMEY - A bowl haircut, rounded shoulders, concave chest, bowed

LARA - In her 20s or 30s.

GINO - A macho bartender.

! ! ! ! ! ! (Quietly, in ORALS own voice)

! ! ! ! ! ! (No response from ORAL. Louder.)

! ! ! ! ! ! (No response from ORAL. Even louder.)

Oral, youve gotta get up - its almost time!

Oral, you programmed me if you didnt get up - I was to holler!

! ! ! ! ! ! (No response. Hollering.)

! ! ! ! ! ! (No response. Hollering louder.)

! ! ! ! ! ! (No response. A change of tone.)

Oh, son - mother is so disappointed in you!

! ! ! ! ! ! (No response. A change in tone.)

Youre no grandson of mine...

! ! ! ! ! ! (No response. A change of tone.)

! ! ! ! ! ! (ORAL leaps out of bed, fully dressed,

! ! ! ! ! ! (Listens to record, as a rising chuckle intrudes

Great - just what I need... another depression...

! ! ! ! ! ! (Closes window, goes over to his studio, sits

! ! ! ! ! ! (Turns off mike, puts on All Of Me .

! ! ! ! ! ! (ENTER HC HONCHO at a run, TIME on

.. he leaps up over the fence.. and snags the ball..!

! ! ! ! ! ! (HC snags an imaginary ball in his mitt,

! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes over to ORAL)

! ! ! ! ! ! (Holds up TIME, sets him down)

And like, man, if you still dont get up..!

Like, shut up, fool! Give me the clock!

But I just found it, man...

! ! ! ! ! ! (Hurling TIME across the floor)

Lets see you catch that, Mister Golden Glove!

You mad about somethin, man?

Thats my new alarm clock!

Aw, man, Oral.. I didnt know..

! ! ! ! ! ! (Reaches down and picks up six-pack)

.. musta fallen off the windowsill...

! ! ! ! ! ! (Pulls out a beer)

At six-ten AM? No beer - Im on the wagon...

No!.. for how long?

Rest of the month...

! ! ! ! ! ! (Popping the beer, chugging from it)

You sick, man?

! ! ! ! ! ! (The music fades - ORAL goes over to his

! ! ! ! ! ! (Shaking head sympathetically)

Aw, man.. this could be a long month.. what month is it?

! ! ! ! ! ! (Puts on another Lester tune, turns off mike)

Wolfhound.. a Russian Wolfhound - a Borzoi is what it is...

Sure you got an audience, man!

Thanks for your support and crap... and no sports page...

! ! ! ! ! ! (The SOUNDS of a large dog shaking its collar

Hey.. buds.. um, uh.. are you all..?

Mister.. Delmore Crummey!

Thats ey- dont forget - ey!

Sure.. youre all wet, man!

What happened, your pooch mistake you for a fire hydrant?

I told you - Nanooshkas a purebred!

.. looking for a dress for the wedding..

.. even dragging her master..

Hc.. you know if I drink, I get dizzy...

Delmore, you are dizzy...

I checked it before the attack.. and no one ever follows me anywhere...