1] W A V E S
An early version of this track once appeared
on a rather hard-to-obtain compilation CD
by the name of Guitar On The Edge, Vol. 1
No. 4, where I found myself in the
intimidating yet enjoyable company of such
splendid guitar players as Greg Howe,
Wayne Krantz, Ron Thal and Carl Verheyen,
to name but a few.
Since then, Waves has become gradually
less "heavy metal", and I have to say that
this current version boasts some of my
favourite guitar sounds on the whole
album - particularly the quadruple-tracked
main melody.
Back in my earliest guitar playing days,
I was fortunate enough to be exposed to
a lot of The Sensational Alex Harvey Band.
In addition to being hugely inspired by the
zany phrasing and biting tone of Zal
Cleminson's guitar playing, I was also
quite taken by Hugh McKenna's keyboard
sounds, particularly that portamento effect
that graced a lot of his monophonic synth
parts. Subconsciously, I think the melody in
Waves was written in an attempt to coax
a similar effect out of a guitar. The lead work
on this track was particularly fun; I had
recently come into possession of a rather
splendid new Suhr Classic, and this marked
the first time I ever recorded with it.
 2] CE AR KO ET SI C
This one is named in honour of one of my
favourite Simpsons episodes - the 3-D
rendered one where Homer finds himself in
what we would presumptuously describe
as the real world. (Treehouse of Horror VI,
production code 3F04, if you feel the need
to investigate further...) At first overwhelmed
and somewhat panic-stricken to find himself
in a whole new dimension (perhaps a cheeky
reference to Edwin A Abbott's Flatland:
A Romance of Many Dimensions - who can
say?) Homer finds instant respite from all
his troubles when he sees a shop window
promising - you guessed it - Erotic Cakes.
I was sufficiently taken by this memorable
moment to name not only this track in
honour of it, but also the album as a whole -
and indeed the band which plays this stuff in
a live context. (And boy, are we popular - my
favourite ever gig review appeared many
years ago in a local rag mag, and went
something along the lines of, "I wasn't there.
Neither was anyone else.")
The main riff was supposed to sound evil,
jagged and demonic when I wrote it. If you
listen to it enough times, however (and trust
me, I really have!) it almost becomes catchy,
in a twisted sort of way. Just for the record,
my favourite bit is probably the "robot" solo
in the middle.
The sordid history of this track can be traced
all the way back to 1993, when I submitted it
as my entry for Guitarist magazine'"Guitarist
Of The Year" competition.
So much of what's good about music
ceases to make sense when you attempt to
analyse it from a "who's the best?"
perspective... but I'm glad I entered
anyhow: on the day of the live finals, a
bizarrely eclectic panel of judges ranging
from the mighty Martin Taylor to the late
great Tommy Vance unanimously decided
that they liked my track the most.
(As a result I ended up marching home
with a lovely new amplifier, which no one
on McDonalds crewmember money would
otherwise have been able to afford. It was
a happy day)
3] W O N D E R F U L
S L I P P E R Y
T H I N G
I should acknowledge that the main melody
is based on a theme by David "The
Venerable" Mead, who devised the rules of
the competition that year. Essentially, the
deal was that each intrepid contestant
should use the same starting point - the
aforementioned skeletal melody provided by
the magazine - and would be judged on how
resourcefully they could transform it into a
fully-fledged 3-minute piece of music. As
you'll observe, thirteen years of evolution
have fledged it even more, and it currently
weighs in at a proud three minutes and
twenty-something seconds... so if I were
so bold as to enter the same piece again,
it would most likely be disqualified.
This track spent its formative years known
simply as The 6/8 One - a title which had to
be jettisoned when I realised that it would be
sharing space on the Erotic Cakes setlist
with such unimaginative names as Fives
and Sevens, and that my default numbers-
as-titles policy is most effective when used
sparingly.
The new improved title is a tip-of-the-hat to
that anthem of playground schadenfreude
which goes, NER, ner ne-NER, ner. I'm not
sure how universally the significance of this
will be recognised, but I always think the
phrase is most aptly accompanied by a
thumbing-the-nose gesture: it resides some-
where between Nelson Muntz' immortal
"Ha-ha!" and the unfortunate usage of
pwned which is so disturbingly prevalent
on the internet.
4] N E R
At any rate, it has been observed that the
main melody of this tune bears a striking
resemblance to this nasty utterance; one
fateful rehearsal the band democratically
decided to rename it in honour of this fact,
and the rest is history.
The resemblance is purely coincidental, by
the way - I don't quite remember what I had
envisaged when I wrote Ner Ner, but the
listener might do well to picture fierce
Mongolian hordes sweeping across the
tundra on their fire-breathing horses, proudly
wielding their vast assortment of sharp
things. Nothing remotely connected with
playgrounds, in other words.
Special thanks to Richie Kotzen for his guest
solo, which you'll hear between 2:02 and
2:33: I've always loved RK's playing, so I
knew he'd come up with something special
for this track. Nice one, Richie!
N E R
If allowed, my writing process will
occasionally degenerate into an unhealthy
ritual of festering in a dark room, frowning
aimlessly at a computer monitor or a blank
piece of manuscript paper. This has been
known to yield good results but more often
it's an indication that I need to venture into
the outside world - The Realm of Sunlight,
Fresh Air and Other People - in the quest
for some vague form of inspiration.
The underlying rhythmic figure in this one is
a case in point; revolving around the use of
chordal stabs on the first, third and fourth
beats of a five-beat bar, it was stolen quite
shamelessly from something I heard a
couple of birds singing to each other in a
park one day. Mother Nature has many
splendid qualities, but if one of her attributes
is particularly worthy of mention, it is surely
this; she'll never take you to court for
plagiarism. This, of course, means you can
borrow freely from her with a clean
conscience.
5] F I V E S
I'm happy to report that music has provided
me with excuses to visit various pleasant
corners of the globe and I'm particularly
fond of Burbank, in sunny California. I often
find myself out there in January, a month
which the UK's weather generally devotes to
the taxing question of whether to drench you
or freeze you...
Whilst enjoying a leisurely stroll down some
avenue or another, I've occasionally been
struck by the distinctive odour which
signifies that a skunk has visited the locale.
Contrary to the generally accepted wisdom
on the topic of skunks, I've never found this
to be a particularly unpleasant smell -
though I'm reliably informed by the locals
that I've only encountered the month-old
variety of Eau De Skunk, and that the fresh
variety is a different matter entirely. On the
one occasion when I actually met a skunk in
the flesh, it thought it might be a good idea
to charge towards me at a startling speed
and I'm not ashamed to admit that I ran for
my life, not wishing to experience this
striking mammal's olfactory capabilities at
close quarters.
All of which begs the question; what does
this track have to do with skunks? You
decide.

6] U N C L E
S K U N K
7] S E V E N S
Yes, I know - naming a piece of music after
its time signature is neither big nor clever.
At a gig, I once invited members of the
audience to volunteer alternative names for
this track, for consideration and possible
adoption by the band... and the best
suggestion was the decidedly non-Whipple
Scrumptious Chocolate Sneeze
(a nomination which I believe to have been
inspired by a comment overheard in the
venues plumbing facilities) It's probably
best not to contemplate the ramifications
of that in too much detail; suffice it to say,
it helped to cement the conclusion that
Sevens might not be such a bad title after all.
 8] E R I C
This track is dedicated to the memory of
Eric Roche, whose struggle with cancer
came to an untimely end on the 6th of
September, 2005.
If you ever witnessed what Eric could do
with an acoustic guitar, you will have fond
and lasting memories of an immensely
talented musician and a remarkably
compelling performer: everyone involved
in this project not only feels that way but
also mourns the loss of a dear friend and
an inspirational human being. Eric, this
one's for you!
9] S L IB DO EY Y
This little ditty would never have happened
without a little inspiration courtesy of my
erstwhile housemate's old Tokai Goldstar
Sound (an uncannily authentic Japanese
replica of a classic American guitar design
which shall go nameless for legal purposes.)
If there was ever a guitar with good reason
to play the blues, this was surely the one.
Bereft of paint for as long as anyone can
remember, it endured a veritable catalogue
of additional indignities over the years as
various control knobs, pickups and other
vital organs gradually went missing. Finally
it was consigned to The Corner Of Shame
when it became clear that a proposed DIY
refretting operation was unlikely to be
completed in the foreseeable future.
Much to everyone's surprise and dismay,
installing new frets in a guitar proved to be a
far more challenging enterprise than ripping
the old ones out with a breadknife... so I
adopted this much-abused instrument for a
while and its fretlessness inspired the main
theme of this track.
(The guitar has since been returned to its
rightful owner and adorned with the finest
frets money can buy... consequently, this
rendition of Slidey Boy features a nylon-
strung acoustic in place of the original
Jaco-on-helium vibe.)
I have a huge soft spot for this kind of
unnecessarily up-tempo country music;
it has as much energy as any violent metal
band, and it's just as funny.
Many moons ago, a primitive version of this
track appeared, alongside a youthful
Waves, on the Legato Records compilation
Guitar On The Edge, Vol. 1 No. 4. It was
horribly recorded, but I suppose it meant well. plight of the poor notes thus abused by
I was tempted to rename this new rendition
The Sister Bangers, to acknowledge;
1] a recent film boasting a similar name
(if memory serves, it involved Goldie Hawn,
Susan Sarandon and a fine collection of
incriminating photographs) and
2] that whole inbreeding/Deliverance
mythology, which has dogged country music
for as long as anyone can remember...
However, I decided not to mess with the
original title, for the benefit of anyone who
may be familiar with the earlier recording.
By way of a laboured explanation, the
Rhode Island Red is a variety of chicken;
the inhabitants of Rhode Island hold this
venerable breed in such high esteem that
10] R H O D E
I S L A N D
they have made it their State Bird, and its
name reflects not only its domestic roots but
also its distinctive colour scheme.
"Shredding", meanwhile, is a term often
used in guitar-playing circles to denote the
practice of cramming as many notes as
possible into a confined space.
(If you wish to seek a parallel between the
shredders and the unfortunate lot of the
battery hen, you are of course free to do so,
though no such parallel is implied here. After
all, many of the modern day conventions in
the field of chicken farming are unspeakably
barbaric, whereas shredding is just clean,
harmless fun and can be quite hilarious in
the right context.)
I'm happy to report that the mighty
Bumblefoot agreed to contribute a guest
solo here (from 1:12 to the end) and in doing
so transformed a moderately silly hillbilly
track into what I believe may just be a little
slice of history; as far as I'm aware, this is
the first time anyone has played fretless
guitar on a "country" track... reverently or
otherwise. Hail, Ronald - you went way
beyond the call of duty on this one!
S H R E D
 11] H A N G O V E R
Being half Scottish, I felt a moral obligation
to feature something alcohol-related on this
album. Of course, the whole "Drinking
Songs" genre has a long and proud history,
and I doubt there's anything I could really
add to what is already a most impressive
canon of music devoted to the joys of
Bacchic debauchery. It does seem, however,
that there's far less music devoted to the
ugly "morning after" process wherein the
reveller is taken to task for his or her foolish
overindulgences.
(The hangover, by the way, is a most cruel
and unusual punishment, in the following
respect; although brought about by the
introduction of alcohol into the system, its
symptoms do not manifest themselves until
the amount of said poison in the blood-
stream has started to wane. Most perversely,
the unpleasantness peaks only when the
body has utterly purged its circulatory
system of the very last alcohol molecule.
You might reasonably expect to be feeling
better by that point, but apparently that's
not how it works. Go figure.)
 THANKS TO:
In no particular order Seth and Pete, not
just for the outstanding playing but also for
all the time and effort invested into this
music over the course of far too many years;
Paul Cornford for making this album happen
not to mention the incomparable amps
and a plethora of amber nectars in an
assortment of funny climes; Jan Cyrka for
chipping away at the excess stone and
finding an album that sounded good
somewhere in there; Keith More for his time
and much valued input, Ed Yoon for all the
help with gear and of course all that tireless
evangelical work on my behalf, Frank us
Booth for being Judge Dredd when required,
John Suhr for the eerily perfect guitars, Alex
Todorov and Matthew Denny for generally
being great at what they do, Richie Kotzen
for the studio time, not to mention that
splendid guest solo, Bumblefoot for not only
doing a great solo on the country track but
A L I T T L E also volunteering an unrequested yet utterly
L I G H T indispensable harmony part for the end
section, Hal Stokes for the loan of the
R E A D I N G Manliest Bottleneck In The West, The
Thieves collectively for baby-sitting my
guitar, Nathalie Boizet for what is perhaps
best described as Special Stuff, everyone
at BIMM for tolerating all the globe-trotting;
Dave Mead, for those vital few notes: Neville
Marten and all at Guitar Techniques
magazine for the support - and the flexible
deadlines; Dave Kilminster for all the
jamming and for helping out at the
Bassment: Phil Hilborne for saying Wheres
your album, geez? so many times: Josh,
Ryan and all the helpful folks at...
...Allegro Music Martin Kidd, Uncle Peter
at the Club in Whitstable, (Uh-oh, this is
turning into an Oscars speech!) Big thanks
also to Jamie Humphries, Pete Callard,
Dweezil Zappa, Greg Howe, John 5, Derryl
Gabel, Scott Jones and all the other great
guitar players who have given this stuff an
encouraging thumbs up during its
formative stages it means a lot! Hearty
salutes to Zak Barrett, John Dutton, Sam
Edwards, Graeme Turner, Claire Harper, and
all the Crazy Jazz folk of Essex, knowing
winks to John Payne, Jay Schellen, Chris
Slade, Ryo Okumoto, Adam Parsons, Ace
Trump, Harry Cowell, Jimmy Eicher, Coty
Allinson, Jeff Corbett, Don Dodge, Paul
Myers and pretty much everyone else with
whom Ive ever spent time on a tourbus;
sorry if I missed anyone out there, but its
a long road, as yall know! Cheers also to
anyone who ever came to see Asia, The
Fellowship or indeed Erotic Cakes I hope
we meet again! And of course thanks to
you, gentle reader, for buying this and sup-
porting some well-meaning musicians the
album cover has sustained our metabolisms
for the last couple of months, but when
weve doled out the remains of that last stale
consonant, were pretty much all out of
ideas, so your help is most appreciated.
(Note to anyone whos contemplating putting
this on Limewire or similar; if we find out
who you are, well send round an
accomplished hypnotist friend of ours, who
has foolproof ways of making you want to
poke yourself constantly in the eye, for all
eternity.)
Finally; if you have even the remotest
suspicion that your name has been unjustly
omitted from the above list, youre probably
right, in which case sorry, and I owe you
a Stella!
G E A R
A quick note on gear for the hardcore
guitar contingent
All the overdriven guitar sounds on this
album were coaxed from a Cornford amp,
without the assistance of any overdrive
pedals. Mostly, we used an RK100 head
running through a 4x12 cabinet - though if
I recall correctly there are also a couple of
MK50 and Hellcat moments lurking in there.
The clean guitar sounds are, again, mostly
courtesy of the RK100, though some of the
subtle background parts were DI'd through
a TC electronics mic preamp.
Guitar-wise, the bulk of the electric guitar
parts were recorded using a Suhr Standard
guitar (mahogany neck and body, rosewood
fingerboard, maple top, Suhr humbuckers -
I forget the model number!) with the
following exceptions;
Waves, Rhode Island Shred and the clean
solo in Ner Ner showcase an SSC-equipped
Suhr Classic, whilst the main guitar on
Wonderful Slippery Thing was an early 70s
Gibson ES-335.
The solo in Fives is a PRS Custom running Seth Govan
through a Cornford Harlequin and into a
Palmer speaker simulator (it's the solo from
the original demo - everyone seemed to
prefer it to the solo we recorded "properly,
so we kept it!)

Jan Cyrka's Garric Custom makes an

appearance on Sevens, in the bubbly-
sounding tapping sections (such as the bit
starting at 1:09)

After all that nice electric gear, it may amuse

you to learn that the nylon-string guitar you
hear at the start of Ner Ner and throughout
Slidey Boy set me back the princely sum of
50 sterling from a junk shop - I assume
they didn't spot the Takamine logo in the
soundhole! For the steel-string acoustic
parts, I excavated my battered old Washburn Pete Riley
D12BR, and the "banjo" on Rhode Island
Shred is a guitar/banjo hybrid made in China
by the good people at Countryman.

Pedal-wise, there's not much to tell; you'll

hear the blood-curdling shriek of a Digitech
Whammy pedal here and there (most notably
in Uncle Skunk), a Mooger Fooger ring
modulator in the solo from the title track and
a Guyatone Wah Rocker in the "quacking"
moments on Rhode Island Shred. There's
also a little army of E-Bowed guitars in the
"B" section of Hangover. I think that's about
it - any other signal processing you hear was
added by Jan during the mixing process.