P ROLOGUE

I HAVE GROWN IN STRENGTH INSIDE HER. FILLED HER

cells with mine until we must split apart. Its not my
choicethats how its always been for us.
Though weve done this many times before, I know
she is afraid, because I share her heart. Her memories
are mine, hazy sometimes, but mine. I feel what she feels.
I have walked where she has walked, been in her every
step. I have kissed where she has kissed. Ollie. I sigh, but
the breath that comes out is hers. Its time to breathe for
myself. Its time to live.
She is in that dream place where her body cannot move
and her mind is unsure and scattered. I stretch and fill
every cell, feel them all expand and swell to make room for
me. I search for the weakest point to break out and find it:
the little finger of the right hand.
Some deep memory tells me its always been this way.
The first cell splits with a tiny pop; she hardly notices. Im
controlling our breathing now. We take a deep lungful of
steadying air and tense. I press our shoulders into the bed
and thats when she realizes. Thats when she starts to fight.
Our minds are still merged, and her panic leaks into
me. For a second I can do nothing, but its started now and
theres no stopping it. I refocus on that weak spot. I try to
lift my knuckles, to pull them away, but its the tip of the lit-
tle finger that frees itself. I bend back my hand. The fingers

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 KATHRYN EVANS

come away with a syrupy tear. She is fully awake now. For
a moment we fight for control, but she cannot hold me and
I shrug my arm free. The raw ripping sparks in every fiber,
every sinewwe burn together. I work on the other arm,
pushing through the fingertips, feeling every cell split and
seal up again, as hers do, releasing me.
Guilt flickers through me. Mine, not hers. I am moments
away from being Teva, and she . . . she will be left behind.
She fights. Her arms grab at mine but there is no turn-
ing back; theres no longer room for both of us.
I lift my toes and feel them suck away; they brush the
bedclothes as they come free. My new skin is sensitive, not
used to being touchedI almost cant bear it. I wrench my
legs up and kick away the covers. Her hands are on our face
now.
She cant stop it.
I have to be free.
I will be free.

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 1

SIX MONTHS HAD FLOWN BY. SIX MONTHS SINCE ID

fought my way out of Fifteens body and taken over as Teva.
Six months since Fifteen had been trapped at home and Id
been free. It didnt take a math genius to work out what that
meant. I had just six short months until a new Teva tried to
fight her way out of me. Only I wasnt going to let it happen.
I wasnt going to be stuck in this madhouse forever, with all
my former selves driving me completely crazy.
I sat cross-legged on my bed, twisting Peepees ears
through my fingers while I tried to think. We all had a
Peepeea little gray rabbit filled with tiny beans so he
flopped in your hands. A warm memory took me by sur-
prise: Mom tucking him into bed with me on the day I
emerged. She didnt quite get that a new Peepee wasnt the
same as the original, but giving each of us our own version
was one of the few things she did that actually made a dif-
ference. I remember exactly how Id felt in that moment:
kind of relieved and kind of put out. I still wanted Fifteens
Peepee. What a stupid thing to want when I was about to
take everything else. Ollie. Mads. Everything.
Six months, then, to stop it happening to me. And I was
going to stop it. I was absolutely not giving up my life for
someone else to take over.
So I had to do something about it.
Ten out of ten for determination. Zero out of ten for a

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 KATHRYN EVANS

decent plan. I nibbled the raw skin on my fingertips, a habit

Mom totally hated, along with scratching behind my knees,
flicking the plastic cover off my phone, wanting to have a
futureyou know, just the small things in life.
Mom liked to pretend everything was fine. We didnt
even need a doctor, apparently. And Id asked. Quite a few
times. She always cut me off with a variety of excuses, all of
which boiled down to the same thingMoms number one
rule: The world must not know about our freakery.

Not long after I emerged, Id called a meeting of Tevas, to

find out if the others knew anything I didnt. Fifteen wouldnt
comeno surprise there, she could barely bring herself to
look at me after I took overbut apart from little Eva, the
rest of them did. I got Eight to listen out for Mom.
Like a spy? she said, clapping her hands together and
taking up position by my bedroom door. I dimly remem-
bered us reading Harriet the Spy around that age and totally
loving anything a bit secretive. I should probably explain,
they didnt think of themselves as numbersas far as they
were concerned, they were all still Teva, but because only
one of us went to school, only one of us could have the
name and that was always the most current one. Except for
Eva and SixEva never went to school, so Six was the first
one to be Teva and the first one to have to give up her name
and her life.
Id looked around at them all. Fourteen leaned against
my dressing table, arms folded tight across her chest; Seven
sat at her feet gazing up adoringly. Thirteen and Twelve,
more like twins than anything else, sprawled across my bed

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like they owned the place, laughing at celebrity arm fat in

Moms Chatter magazine. Nine and Ten sat on the floor, legs
crossed, heads tipped together over a notebook. They were
writing an autobiographyprobably the worlds first to be
written by two people about their one life. That was also the
most interesting thing about it, seeing as they didnt really
have a life any more. Six was huddled in a corner, making
herself as small as possible, and Eleven was going through
my wardrobe looking for stuff so she could dress herself
up as Hermione Granger. A doomed mission, as we all had
the same short, fluffy, blond, completely un-Hermione-
like hair.
Thats all of us. Theres no Four or Five. I dont know why.
I said, We need to discuss our future.
Your future, you mean, Fourteen said.
No, all of our futures.
We dont have a future, though, do we? she said. This
is it for us.
I knew she was kind of right, but I also knew I couldnt
do anything about it if I ended up just as trapped as they
were.
I was thinking about going to a doctor, I told them.
Six whimpered in the corner, then jerked to her feet and
bolted out the door.
Oh good one, well done, Thirteen said, stomping out
after Six, rapidly followed by Twelve. I watched them leave,
astonished at the reaction.
I turned to the others. Why is Six so upset?
Ten looked up from her writing and said, Probably
scared.

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What? Why? I could remember things wed shared,

but it was hard if I didnt know what I was looking forlike
sifting through a dusty junk shop to find something youd
never seen before. I tried to find something in the memories
Six had left behind, but all I got was a dark feeling of unease.
Nine said, Doctors will just want to experiment on us.
Oh dont be ridiculous, I said.
Ten backed her up. Its true, actually. Mom told us. She
wont let you go anyway. Ask her. I bet you a million dollars
she wont.
Well, I knew that already, I said. I could go on my own.
No! squeaked Seven, shooting to her feet. I dont
want to be an experiment.
Fourteen slipped an arm around her shoulder and said,
Dont worry. Then to me: Theres no point seeing a doc-
tor, I tried that. They thought I was making everything up
to get attention.
Fourteens memory bobbed to the surface of my brain,
clouded with embarrassment. I blushed on her behalf. The
doctor shed seen had been about ninetyhed sighed,
muttered something about girls your age, and suggested a
psychiatric referral. Nice.
I said, Maybe if we went together theyd believe us.
Youd be walking proof I wasnt making it up.
Seven clenched her fists. No! Im not going and you
cant make me.
Fourteen said, Just forget it. Momd go nuts if she knew
you were even thinking about it.
But if we got help, you wouldnt have to be stuck here
all day.

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Really? We could all go into the world and everyone

would love us, would they? The freak family? I dont think
so.
Fourteen took Sevens hand and left, shaking her head.
I looked at Nine and Ten. They shrugged and gathered up
their things. End of meeting.
When I went downstairs, Six was under the banister
peeling the wallpaper off and Mom was waiting for me by
the bottom step, disappointment radiating from her. Nine
and Ten were lurking behind hertheyd clearly ratted me
out.
Why, Teva? said Mom. Were fine, arent we? We man-
age okay. Other people wont understand you, darling, not
even doctors. Theyll think youre . . .
Crazy? A freak? Yeah. I know. Youve told me enough
times.
Not a fr . . . just . . . people can be very unkind.
If youre ashamed of us, I could go to the doctor with a
couple of the others. You dont need to come.
Im not ashamed! I just know what will happen. Theyll
want to do tests on youhorrible tests. They might take
you away from me, Tee, put you in the hospital. Why wont
you trust me?
Her bottom lip wobbled, and I felt horrible. That bot-
tom lip got me every time.
Dont cry, Mom. I do trust you, of course I do.
She lowered her voice to a whisper. You have to believe
me, Teva. Were better on our own. You have no idea how
cruel people can be.
Maybe she was right. Maybe she had taken us to a

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doctor and it had been so awful wed buried the memory

deep, deep down. It was so frustrating, not being able to
find what I needed to know in my own brainit was like
parts of me were just locked away.
So Id left it at that with her, but I hadnt given up. I
spent literally hours on the Internet trying to understand
what was wrong with us.
The lure of Google was irresistible. I pulled my laptop
onto my knee and started a new search.
It was hard to know what to look for. Splitting cells
brought up stuff on spreadsheets. Body inside another
body brought up stories about twins who had gotten stuck
inside each other in the womb. Nothing explained us. And,
of course, all medical roads on Google lead to one place in
the end: cancer.
I told myself: Its not cancer. It cant be. I feel too well.
Wed be in the hospital having treatment. Even Mom wouldnt
stop that happening if we had cancer.
Cancer did not grow a whole new version of a person. I
stroked Peepees ears until my heart stopped pounding and
I could see my laptop clearly, without all the words blurring
together.
I scanned the results page and saw a new Wikipedia
entry. With a little bloom of optimism, I clicked on the link. It
was just some kind of science-fiction joke. I clearly was not
half girl, half fly. I didnt have boggle eyes or a hairy back or
a terrible temper. Okay, maybe the temper, but apart from a
few jealous twinges about Ollie, Id pretty much gotten con-
trol of that over the last few months. I drummed my fingers

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lightly on the keyboard; it rattled softly. I went back to the

results page. Google was getting me nowhere.
Maybe I wasnt looking properly. I mean theres no
librarian on Google, is there? Youre totally aloneyou and
a billion answers. As I stared at the list of websites, though,
I had an idea. Maybe there were other people with the same
condition looking for information just like me? What if I put
something on the Internet and let them find me? Would that
work?
I pulled the cuff of my cardigan over my knuckle and
wiped the lens of my webcam. Maybe, if I told the world,
someone, somewhere, would have an idea how to help? I
hesitated.
There was one tiny problem with my genius plan: Mom.
Shed totally lose it if she found out.
Id do a practice runthat wasnt breaking any rules
and then, if I looked like a total twit or I changed my mind,
I wouldnt post it. I got up and dumped my bathrobe in a
heap behind my bedroom door, to slow down anyone try-
ing to come in, then pulled my laptop back on my knee and
waved at the camera.
Okay. So hi. Im Teva Webb. Well, the current me at any
rate. My mom would hate thisme talking to you.Dont
trust the Internet, Teva,pedophiles are sneakytheyll
look for reflections in your eyeballs and work out where
you live . . .
Rambling like a lunatic wasnt going to help. I tried
again.
Hi, Im Teva Webb, Freak of Nature. I have a large

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familya very large family. There are twelve of us plus my

single, never-go-out motherthats nearly one a year for
the whole of my life. Its a miracle, I hear you cry, right? Well
. . . no. Heres the thing. Ive got this condition where I dont
quite grow up like normal people . . .
I stopped. The reality of what lay ahead of me closed
off my throat for a second. Six months . . . it wasnt long
enough. I pressed the heels of my hands against my eyelids.
Come on, Teva . . . I breathed out a shaky stream of air and
turned back to the camera.
So here it is. Roughly every birthday, a new me forces
its way out of the old one. I dont know exactly how it
works. I know it hurts. I know every cell inside me will split
apart and seal up again until the new me has completely
torn herself away. I think its a bit like how twins separate
in the womb, only with a lot more cells.
Once its started, we pull apart like Velcro. That makes
it sound easy. Its not. Imagine youre trapped in glue, the
whole of your body, and if you dont pull yourself out youll
drown. The glue tries to hold you but you tear yourself free,
and when it finally lets go, it seals over and hardens.
The thick silvery skin in the crook of my elbow niggled
at me. The insides of my joints itched most of the time
the skin there was flaky and scarred. I had a theory it was
because they didnt quite seal properly after the separa-
tion and were constantly trying to repairyou know, how
the skin under a scab does when its getting better? It was
worse when I was stressed, and thinking about the future
was about as stressful as it got. I forced myself not to
scratch and turned back to the camera.

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I dont know why it happens. I only know it will. Ill

still be here, but a new Teva will take over my life. Thanks
to my mothers paranoia, only the new version of us leaves
the house. Thats not even the worst of it. Only three of us
have a room to ourselves. Fifteen because shes so . . . hmm
. . . what? Lets be fairangry? Bitter? Constantly furious
mostly with me. And Six because, well, shes weird. Ive got
the last free room because, obviously, I couldnt share with
Fifteen. But when the new Teva comes along, Ill have to
share with her. Only its not exactly sharing, because I have
to give up everything.
I sighed and reached for my phone. My lifeline to the two
people who kept me sane, who reminded me I had a place in
the world. For now anyway. It was nearly quarter past seven.
Ollie finished soccer at half past. My Ollie. Mine. A sudden
surge of anger fired me upthere was that Teva temper
and I turned back to the camera for one more minute.
I need help to fix this. I need someones help from out
there. When my time comes, when a new Teva starts to fight
her way out of me, I need to be ready to stop her. Because
shes not taking my life. Shes not.
My voice squeezed into a dry husk.
I hate it, hate it. Its five months and twenty-three days
until my next birthday, and Im going to find a way to make
it stop. I am.

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 2

MY BEDROOM DOOR BUMPED AGAINST THE BUNDLED-UP

bathrobe and Eight slipped into my room, helpfully picking
up my doorstop and trailing it across the floor to my bed.
Thanks, I said, flipping the laptop closed. I put that
there to keep you guys out.
Most of the time I didnt really mind the others coming
in my room, but sometimes I just wished I could have a bit
of time on my own. Eight climbed onto my bed, a little blue-
print of me. Pale skin with a permanent blush, even paler
tufty hair, and deep blue sleepy eyes.
What are you doing?
Yeah, what are you doing? said Nine, sauntering in
with her recorder swinging menacingly from her fingersI
absolutely was not in the mood for a screechy recital of
God Bless America.
I said, Nothing, and if youre planning on playing that
thing, please do it in your own room. Or in the loft. Or on
the moon.
You are doing something, insisted Nine. We heard
you talking.
Eva toddled in, her thumb in her mouth. She flopped
Peepee on my bed. Eva, of course, had the original Peepee.
Hers had soggy, chewed ears, and she carried him every-
where. She loved him with a passion bordering on violence.
Miraculously, she pushed him toward me. I couldnt help

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but smile at the offer of such a treasured possession. I took

Peepee, avoiding his wet ears, and pulled Eva onto the bed,
pressing a kiss on her soft little head. Eight opened my lap-
top, and I reached around and took it back from her.
No chance, you.
I need it.
You dont.
I do. Im going to find Dad.
I froze for a second. Dad left years ago. We had no idea
where he went, but we all secretly yearned for himyep,
even though wed guessed hed probably run out on us
because we were so weird. What kid doesnt want a dad
in their life? As gently as I could, I said, Dont start this
again. Hes not on Facebook, we looked, remember? Her
chin wobbled and my heart twisted for her, for us. I felt the
dad-shaped hole in our life just as much as she did. As all
of them did. Except Fifteen, whod never admit to missing
anyone whod let her down so much.
I relented. Go on, then, see what you can find.
She definitely thought about him more than the rest of
usI reckoned it was a combination of too much boredom
and too much Enid Blyton. Shed built up a picture of a big
bear of a man who was desperately sorry for leaving and
was now searching for us. It was as good a picture as any. I
gave Eight half a smile and said, If you find him, I get first
dibs on all the pocket money were due, okay?
She smiled and hunched over the keyboard.

Eva took Peepee back. Smine, she said, stuffing his soggy
ear into her mouth.

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Teva? Moms tired voice called up the stairs, followed

by her heavy tread. There were three floors in our rambling
old house, and we needed all of them. My room was only
on the second floor, but it still took Mom a good couple of
minutes to puff her way up. She stopped in the doorway to
catch her breath before complaining, Cant you hear me
calling? I need help in the kitchen.
Ive got homework. Cant one of the others help?
Mom flinched. Im asking you. Dont make a thing of it.
The place is a mess, and Ive got a book to finish writing by
the end of the week. Please?
She gave me a sad puppy look.
All right, I said. Ill be down in two minutes.
I sat Eva back against my pillows, tickling her tiny ribs.
She squawked happily for a second, and a little pang darted
through me, that this was all the happiness she ever got.
I knew she tried, but Mom had no idea what it was like
for us. My stomach clenched as my future flashed through
my mind again. This every day forever, only without school,
without . . .
My phone beeped.
Got time for a chat?
Mads. I messaged back.
Later. Am required to wait hand and foot on Mom x
I texted Ollie too:
Hope soccer was good, love youxxx
How could I manage without them in my life? What
would be the point? I flicked away the messages and let my
fingers linger on my background photo. Our happy faces
filled the screen, Ollies beautiful brown cheek pressed

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against my pink one. Wed gone to Yellow Lake for the day.
It had been freezing cold but so worth it. I felt like he was
mine, at last, completely minenot seen through Fifteens
eyes or kissed through Fifteens lips. Wed stopped under a
huge tree that had a sort of dip in it. Hed leaned me back
against the bark and blocked the wind with his body, and as
he looked down at me, I was safe. Warm and safe and home.
The memory of that outing twisted inside me, tainted
by Fifteens bitter rantings. The trip wasnt meant for me.
It should have happened the Saturday before, but Ollie had
postponed it for a soccer game. Fifteen had been looking
forward to it for weeks, but she never got to go. I took over,
and I took Ollie. She never got to see him again.
You can see why she hated me.

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 3

THE NEXT MORNING I WAS SHOCKED AWAKE BY

Fifteen slamming through my bedroom doorway. I jerked
upright, my heart pumping crazily.
Not getting up? she said, banging the wardrobe
doors open. I checked my clock and threw the covers back
sharply.
You could have woken me.
Just did, didnt I? She pulled an old school sweatshirt
out of the closet and said, Mine, I think? Unless you own
everything now?
She flounced out. God, she was tiring. Why would she
even want her grubby old uniform?
As I dressed, the few memories I had of our separation
danced around my head. Fifteen had put up quite a fight.
Shed clawed at my face, tried to force me back inside. Id
been stronger than her, though. I was new, full of energy.
Like the one wholl try and force her way out of me.
After, I remember looking down at Fifteens exhausted
body, her hands clasped over her weeping face, pink and
shining from the trauma of tearing apart and rapidly repair-
ing again. It was weird to be outside of her, to be free of
her thoughts. Everything Id shared with her as wed grown
together, even our joint memories, feltI dont knowcold
and muddled. It was like Id left all the fire, all the anger,
in her. I remember the shock of it, searching for things to

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anchor myself to . . . I knew I was Teva, but then Teva was

also in front of me, so what did that mean?
Id panicked, drowning in the sudden loneliness of it.
Of not being part of someone else. I scrabbled around my
brain for something to hold on to, and there were Maddy
and Ollie and Mom. A rush of relief surged through me as
I pictured their faces. It was enoughthat triangle of peo-
pleto hold me steady. Maddy, reliable, funny, gorgeous
Maddy. Ollie, my heartbeat, the center of my world. Mom,
warm and safe. I knew themthey were where I belonged.
In that moment of relief, Id smiled at the girl Id left
behind and shed thrown her hands aside and flown at me,
her bruise-blue eyes raging. That was my first independent
memory. Fifteens hands around my throat as she crashed
me into the wall, screaming, No, no, no! Youre not having
him, youre not.
I was seeing stars when Mom finally appeared and
pulled us apart. It wasnt me she sat with, though. As I
rubbed at my sore throat, Mom sat rocking Fifteen back
and forth, whispering, Im sorry, my darling, so sorry. I
should have been here.

I gave myself a shake and pushed the memories away. Life

went on.
Until it didnt.
I slipped my blue school sweatshirt over my head and
scuffed my fingers through my fluffy hair before heading
downstairs.
Six was peeling the wallpaper under the banister. I patted
her head as I passed. That drives Mom mad, monkey chops.

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I liked the empty space the paper left behind, though

the satisfying papery scorch where little strips had come
away. Six hugged Peepee tightly against her stomach and
carried on picking at the paper, her little body huddled in
on itself.
Kitchen noise pressed toward me: Mom muttering,
banging pots as she emptied the dishwasher; Eva crying
and Twelve and Thirteen having a full-on fight over the Rice
Krispies.
Breakfast was the craziest part of the day, and at the
last moment I couldnt face it.
Im off, Mom! See you later.
What about breakfast? Teva? Wait!
Ill get something at school.
I grabbed my coat from the hall stand and left, pull-
ing the heavy front door shut behind me. Cold air bit my
cheeks. As I hopped down our worn front steps, my breath
made little clouds in the freezing air. With a shiver, I walked
briskly toward the huge gates that kept the world out and
us in. Weeds that had pushed through the gravel in summer
lay wilted by the frost. I crunched over them, zipping my
coat up tight.
At the gate, I glanced over my shoulder before I punched
in the code and waited to be let out. Mom had drilled it
into me that the others mustnt know the code, for their
own safety. I had no problem with that. I didnt want Fifteen
slinking out after me.

I hurried toward the row of tiny row houses on Hope Street,

the early morning sun stroking my back with warmth. I

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knocked on the flaky green door of number 32. It floated

open and Maddy said from behind it, Youre early.
Yeah, had to escape.
Shut the door, its freezing out there.
I squeezed into the tiny hallway, crunching a little plas-
tic car underfoot as I shut the door behind me. Maddy was
straightening her shiny black hair in front of the hall mirror.
I held out the squashed toy.
Stick it on there. She nodded toward a pile of hairpins
and brushes, odd gloves, and car keys piled on the radiator
shelf.
I balanced the broken car on top.
Can I grab a bit of bread? I said. I missed breakfast.
Moms in the kitchen, go and bat your eyelashes at
her.
I dropped my bag by the bottom of the stairs and
pushed open the door into their front room. It was piled
high with boxes of sarisMrs. Ranjha ran an Internet shop
from home. I headed to the bright little kitchen at the back
of the house. Sometimes I felt more at home in the Ranjha
household than I did in mine. It was all so comfortingly nor-
mal.
Morning, Teva. Early again? Mrs. Ranjha spooned a
dribbling blob of oatmeal into Baby Jays mouth. He kicked
his marshmallow legs against the high chair.
Mrs. R. cooed, He loves his breakfastdont you, dar-
ling?
I smiled as Jay poked an oatmeal blob out of his mouth
and down his chin.
Can I feed him? I said.

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Mrs. Ranjha handed me the spoon as Jay kicked his

pudgy legs in a frenzy of breakfast excitement. He was so
cute, he made my cheeks hurt from smiling.
Time for a cup of tea? said Maddys mom.
Not really. Can I have a bit of bread, though?
Theres fresh chapatis by the cooker. She took over
feeding Baby Jay, saying, I suppose youre stressing about
exams like Madam out there?
Mmm, sort of.
I peeled a warm chapati from the pile and smeared it
with butter before tearing a golden corner off and putting it
in my mouth. Mrs. R. made amazing chapatis. I watched her
pop the last spoonful of creamy goo into Jays mouth and a
tiny knot tightened in my throat. Their life was so different
from ours. So normal, so alive. All the noise and mess in my
house was . . . well . . . dead.
Id never have a little brother. Dad gone, Mom writing
books all day, inventing lives for other people instead of
living one for herself. Thered never be anyone different in
my house. Just me, me, more of me.
Maddy walked in, folding the top of her school skirt
over. Mrs. Ranjha rolled her eyes.
Madeeha, if that skirt gets any shorter itll be dangling
round your neck like a scarf.
Thank you, Mother, I note your lack of fashion sense
and duly ignore it. You ready, Tee?
I forced myself to swallow past the knot in my throat
and nodded. Thanks for the chapati, Mrs. R.
Maddy kissed Jays feathery hair. See you later, poo
face.

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He chuckled with delight, and I stole a sneaky kiss off

his soft baby head.
Come on, then, Tee, if we get in early we can go to the
library.
I followed her out before saying, Library?
Genius, eh? Maddy hooked her arm through mine.
Moms constantly on my back about exams. My plan is
to look like a model student so shell leave me alone. You
should have heard my woe is me, geography is so hard
speech. Oscar-winning.
I smiled to myself. Maddy was a model student; it just
wasnt easy to fit in at school if you were brainy, really
brainy, and beautiful and you worked hard. I sometimes
thought she did as much pretending as I did; maybe thats
why we were such good friends.
Why did I choose geography anyway? she said.
I had a tiny pop of panic as I delved into Fifteens mem-
ories and couldnt find the answer. Then it came to me:
Because you had a crush on Dr. Walker.
Oh yeah. Just my luck to get Smitt. Remember when
Dr. Walker first came? His funny little bow tie?
I mumbled something. Talking about the past was
difficult. Some things were relatively clear; some I had to
piece together from stuff people said and a fog of inherited
memories. How well I could remember seemed to depend
on how important the memory had been to the others.
Fifteens memories of Ollie had transferred pretty much
intact.
You all right? Maddy asked.
Yeah, just thinking.

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Daydreaming about the lovely Ollie, perchance?

Maddy said.
Kind of.
My thoughts pinched. My best friend had no idea what
a mess my life was. Not a day went by when I didnt think
about telling her the truth, but I always fumbled it. Id got-
ten pretty close but something always held me back. It was
so hard to explain. I wished I could, I wanted tomaybe
she could even help. I suppose it was kind of ridiculous
thinking about telling everyone on the Internet when I
hadnt even told Mads.
I looked at her, tried to imagine her response. She knew
some stuffshe knew my skin was pretty bad, but like
everyone else, she assumed it was eczema. What would she
say? Would she think I was freak? Would she hate me? Be
disgusted by me? My heart skipped. Could I tell her? Was
now the time? Could I explain something totally inexplica-
ble?
Mads?
Yeah?
You know I sometimes have problems with dry skin?
Mm hmm.
Well, what if it wasnt eczema? What if it was some-
thing a bit more serious than that?
But it isnt, though.
But what if it was?
But it isnt. Is it?
I didnt answer.
Maddy stopped walking.
Tee?

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Oh god, could I trust her? Could I actually tell her?

Shed think I was crazy. Unless . . . what would Maddy say if
I took her home, showed her what my life was really like . . .
My heart raced insanely . . . Mom would never let her in the
house, would she?
No one must know. People wouldnt understand. Theyd
take you away. Youd be experimented on, treated like a freak
show. Mom had told us over and over.
What? Tee, come on. Maddy laughed nervously.
I looked at her, aware of my own breathing coming just
a little bit too fast. How would she feel to know I wasnt the
Teva she thought she knew at fifteen? Or thirteen? Or eight?
That I wasnt the girl shed choked on a stolen cigarette
with? And I wasnt the girl shed cried her heart out to when
Ben Harrison had turned up at the sixth-grade disco with
some other girl?
Shed know I was a liar for a start.
My throat tightened.
Come on, she said. It cant be that bad? Is it scabies?
I had that when I was at St. Michaels.
What if she thought Id stolen Fifteens life? In my dark-
est, most honest moments, I knew that was true. It wasnt
my fault, but it was true. I couldnt tell her, I couldnt risk it.
Nits, then? Maddy teased. Youve got nits, and you
think youve given them to me? Oh god, now Ive made my
own head itch, she said, frantically scratching.
I laughed and that was itthe moment for telling was
gone. She made things so normal. I needed that normality. If
Maddy knew, everything would changeand I wasnt ready
for that. When Id found some answersa curethen Id

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 KATHRYN EVANS

tell her. Then thered be hope, not just a hideous tangle of

worry that I could only forget when I was with her or Ollie.
So I said, You loon, Madeeha. Its nothing, come on, we
might make it in time to get doughnuts. I yanked her arm.
Im starved.
You literally never stop eating.
I clamped my teeth together. She was right. I was always
eating. My hand strayed to my waist. Am I fat? Do I look fat
to you? I tugged the hemline of my skirt down a tiny bit.
Can you see the fat part at the top of my legs?
I was joking! God, Tee, youre not fat. You are such a
worrier.
She didnt know the half of it.

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