Michele Arechavala 5/28/2017 7:44 AM

After (the before is below): Comment [1]: Parallelism

Coach said Im playing today! Michael said with a big smile on his face, his hands Michele Arechavala 5/29/2017 8:49 PM
Comment [2]: Antithesis
together with excitement. Mike stood in his usual spot in the dugout, while his sister, Michele, Andrew Kopp 5/28/2017 9:18 AM
Comment [3]: hot and cold are
stood on the other side of the fence, with some peanuts in one hand and iPhone in the other. antithetical. THis is more of a climax:
"always super cold, but never completely
frozen"
Their mother, who was next to her, over looked the field, players, and fans, while taking in her
Andrew Kopp 5/29/2017 8:49 PM
Comment [4]: Please respond to my
youngest sons last senior day. In Moms hand was Mikes favorite kind of gatorade. Always suggestions and then let me know when
you have done so.
super and cold, but never completely frozen. Andrew Kopp 5/28/2017 9:17 AM
Comment [5]: use simple past
throughout: ordered
Watch the ball and hit it as hard as you can, Michele ordered him. Michael nodded in
Andrew Kopp 5/28/2017 9:18 AM
Comment [6]: past tense: "nodded"
agreement, with the same smile, his lip already red from the Gatorade. Michael galloped away as
Michele Arechavala 5/29/2017 8:57 PM
Comment [7]: Here, I want to saw that
... [1]
he took his black glove and warmed up with his teammates in the outfield. Though Mike ran as
Andrew Kopp 5/28/2017 9:21 AM
Comment [8]: how did he run exactly?
... [2]
fast as he could, he was still the slowest one on the field. His toes pointed outward as he ran, and
Andrew Kopp 5/29/2017 12:13 AM
Comment [9]: could instead of can
his arms made stiff back and forth movements.Mikes tongue, larger than the average, stuck out
Andrew Kopp 5/29/2017 8:57 PM
Comment [10]: How might someone
... [3]
as he put all of his focus on his running. Mike always practiced and warmed up constantly, but
Michele Arechavala 5/28/2017 7:45 AM
Comment [11]: Chiasmus
never saw time in a game. In fact, this was Michaels first time being put in a game in over two Michele Arechavala 5/28/2017 11:34 AM
Comment [12]: Not sure this is enough,
... [4]
years. Michele and their mom both walked to the bleachers to find their seats for the game. They Michele Arechavala 5/30/2017 4:33 AM
Comment [13]: He was really focused... [5]
climbed up some steps, hovered around some familiar faces, found their way, they eventually Michele Arechavala 5/28/2017 7:45 AM
Comment [14]: Chiasmus
settled in a spot with enough room for the two of them. Michele Arechavala 5/28/2017 7:46 AM
Comment [15]: Expletive
I hope he gets to start, Mother whispered to Michele. After just a few moments went by Michele Arechavala 5/29/2017 8:52 PM
Comment [16]: Asyndeton
Kevin and their dad showed up, walked around the bleachers, looked up to find a spot to sit. Andrew Kopp 5/28/2017 9:22 AM
Comment [17]: No "As": try to avoid... [6]
They also had to climb over high steps, and go around people, and eventually find a seat. Andrew Kopp 5/28/2017 9:23 AM
Comment [18]: found instead of finding
... [7]

Andrew Kopp 5/29/2017 8:52 PM

Comment [19]: Unless you are going to
... [8]
Before: Andrew Kopp 5/29/2017 8:52 PM
Comment [20]: By the way--don't ... [9]
Coach said Im playing today! Michael said with a big smile on his face. Mike was Andrew Kopp 5/28/2017 9:31 AM
standing in his usual spot in the dugout, while his sister, Michele, and his mom both stood on the Comment [21]: past tense
Michele Arechavala 5/28/2017 7:46 AM
Comment [22]: Polysyndeton
other side. It was always nice that they would bring him his favorite flavor of gatorade, though
he never saw time on the field.
Watch the ball and hit it as hard as you can Michele orders him. She was his biggest
fan. Michael galloped away as he took his glove and warmed up with his teammates. Mikes
excitement was shown when he sprinted out his spot with a big smile. Mike knows that this
might be the only game he gets in this season. Michael has Down Syndrome, and he doesnt get
the same opportunities as his teammates do. Michele and their mom both walked to go find seats
in the bleachers, as they climbed up some steps and hoovered around some familiar faces.
I hope he gets to start. Mother whispers to Michele. They have only been sitting for just
a few moments when Kevin and their dad showed up and sat right by the them on the metal
bleachers.
Mike said he was playing today, but well see. said Mom to Kevin and Dad.

Reflection:

I decided to practice using the different types of sentences for my own good. Sentence
structure is clearly a weakness for me, but I gave it a go. I never thought sentences are so
different from each other. I feel like this is a concept I should have learned in high school, but
never did. I do think that using these kinds of sentences in this way gives much more variety to a
piece. Moving forward, I think this extra practice will help me with future writing, and help me
make sure that I am using these different kind of sentences.