People's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.

45 min

Humans can think and decide to do whatever they want, but does it mean that the external
factors cannot influence the people's behavior? Before people come in to society they have Commented [S1]: I really like the way you started the
been raised in a family and spent most of their time in schools learning how to act and behave essay. Good Job!
when confronting to different issues. I believe that these environments can force them to act in Commented [S2]: into
different situations. Commented [S3]: Comma here needed
Commented [S4]: Not needed
First and foremost, Family is the most significant factor in shaping the personality of a person.
Commented [S5]: Their behavior is influenced by many
Parents can easily force a child's mind to teach the things they want him to learn. For example, factors such as family, school, and friends.
a little kid can learn how to greet other people. Parents can teach him to shake hand or and say
Commented [S6]: I believe these factors shape their
hi when he meet someone for the first time or they can tell him that if you see people who you believes and behavior.
do not know just turn around and do not pay attention to him. Therefore, a person's behavior
Commented [S7]: Parents, who usually interact with their
or personality can be forced when he was a little kid. children daily, can teach them lessons of life from their
point of view. Therefore, children are unconsciously
The other important factor is school. Student spends most of their time in schools. Teachers are affected by their parents perspectives.

the ones who can prioritize the good act and bad ones. Students learn how they should interact Commented [S8]: This is a very poor and vague example.
with others in a society. To exemplify, in North Korea students will learn that the president of On top, you have not explained your point very well.

the country is God and anything he says is a must for everyone to do. This is a great example of Commented [S9]: students
brainwashing that is happening in today's world. Therefore, it would be very difficult for a Commented [S10]: spend
person who has been raised in this society to change his way of thinking and his behavior. Commented [S11]: school
Commented [S12]: these are two different
However, some people believe that people have mind to decide and behave. They say that supportbring just one
humans are different from animals who act by instinct and without thinking. Some argue that
Commented [S13]: avoid this when you can use the
even if they grew up in a family whose living standards are incongruous with the decorum of present tense
the society, they will change their behavior in contracting with others in a society; In other
Commented [S14]: Third support ??
words, people's mind is so powerful that it can quickly think and behave regardless of the
Commented [S15]: Perfect example! I liked it a lot
external forces.
Commented [S16]: People are capable of thinking and
making decisions based on their personal understanding.
In conclusion, the author argued that people's behavior is largely determined by the forces not
of their own making. Following the reasons I brought to support the author's statement, people Commented [S17]: I dont think this is right
grammar!...check it
spend their crucial life times as a kid, learning variety of thing in families and schools. Even if
parents and teachers do not want to force their kids and student to act in the way they want, Commented [S18]: Dont use the words that you are not
sure what context they are appropriate for
children's attitudes and behaviors will be influenced by the words they hear and the actions
they see. For these reasons, external factors and forces are the most important factors in Commented [S19]: Vague!

people's behavior. Commented [S20]: PARAPHRASE

Commented [S21]: Things
Dont use this word
Advices: You could say a variety of matters
Commented [S22]: Your conclusion in this essay was a lot
Three supports better than before
State your supports and examples in clear language

Paraphrase the prompt if you wanna use it in your manuscript