m

Wired
for
Sex
2014 by Rodale Inc. All rights reserved.
Hit Play for Sex
Your erotic life is full of
big moments, sometimes
perfection and sometimes
well, embarrassing. Heres
how to keep the heat in your
love life turned to High.

This material is for the personal use of Rodale customers only. For any other purpose, no part may be reproduced or
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goalfor sex and all other topicsis to provide information that empowers mens lives.
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Premium editor: Krissa Strauss

Project manager: Danielle Veloza
Copy editor: David Umla
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1 m e n s h e a lt h . c o m 001725/PushPull/202672501/7-18-14/AR
 Wired for Sex

Thats okay, he lied.

But, boy, I really liked him. So I melted a bit
and said, But probably next time!
After he left, I realized what Id done: I had
created a countdown. His expectations would
be sky-high for next time. As exciting as that
sounds, it could backfirefor both of us. You
are trying to make a good first impression,
which could lead to performance anxiety,
says clinical psychologist Marianne Brandon,
Ph.D. The key is to stay out of your mind and
in your body. That way you wont withdraw
into negative thinking during your first sexual
experience together.
It takes only a little preparation to create
bed-shaking success. When you finally do end
up between the sheets with her, be ready.

Step 1
build the excitement
Youre single and have been flirting heavily
with a new woman. You need a releasewe
understand. Solo satisfaction can help with
that, and it can also teach controlwhich will
be helpful when your first encounter with
her arrives. When men masturbate, they
should be aware of their level of arousal. Level
8 is the moment of inevitability, so they should
take themselves up to a 6 or 7 and then bring
themselves down to a 2 or 3. This will help
them manage and control their orgasms when
theyre with a woman, Brandon says.
Also, while masturbating in the days leading
up to your debut, think about your soon-to-be
partner instead of using porn. Keep the fanta-
sies realistic, Brandon says. Think about why
she excites you. Imagine undressing her. Prime
yourself to enjoy her, not some porn actress.
But a better way to ratchet up the anticipa-
tion is to bring her in on the game. Before the
date, find out what turns her on, suggests Sari
Cooper, L.C.S.W., a certified sex therapist. If
youre on the phone late one night, ask her to
describe a movie scene she found sexy. This
builds intimacy, Cooper says. It will make
her feel closer to you and reveal what she
likes. In flirty texts the week before the date,
ask her to describe sensations that make her
feel sexy. Which fragrances, music, or food?
Youll build her anticipation while also show-

Beginners Lust
ing her you want to meet her desires.

Step 2
Banish distraction
No fumbling fingers, no awkward misfiresjust great sex
Youve been dreaming all day about that big
that will leave her wanting more. date, but at the last minute your boss springs a
By J e n n i f e r M i l l e r giant project on you. Being distracted could
cause big trouble later tonight. The bodys
Wed been out on three datesafter the third one, we ended up in my apartment for response to stress can put the brakes on your
drinks. We tumbled onto the couch together and rolled around having a great time. But I had some sex drive, says Eric Marlowe Garrison, M.Sc.,
bad news for him: I really like you, I said, so I dont want to rush things. No sex tonight. arelationship expert at the College of William

2 m e n s h e a lt h . c o m
 Wired for Sex
and Mary. You could end up lying in bed with
your stunning date as you mentally compose
the e-mails you need to send. (Yes, this can
happen even when youre in bed for the first
time with a new lover.) Your trick: Tune in to
your breathing. Studies show that men who
meditate on a regular basis have a better time
in the bedroom, says Brandon. Simply focus-
ing on each breath going into your nose and
belly will help keep you in the moment, she
says. She also tells men to keep their eyes
open. Look at your partner and have her look
at you. Closing your eyes makes it easier for
you to withdraw into negative thinking.
If shes the one whos distracted, then you
want to help her snap out of it and focus on
whats going on between you. One way to do
that is by asking her what she might have in
mind in terms of the evenings sexual progres-
sion. This will get her thinking about what
turns her on instead of her own work projects
that may be stacking up or the groceries she
needs to buy. You can also do things to help
intensify her physical sensationslike run-
ning an ice cube along her body. Focusing on
the five senses is a fabulous way to get out of
your head and into the experience, Brandon
says.
Step 3
practice mind control
Its the night of the big date and youre a little
nervous. (So is she, by the way.) So of course
when you meet up for drinks, you immedi-
ately order a scotch. And then another, and
another. Sure, too much alcohol can interfere
with your ability to have an erection and
orgasm, but those drinks are helping you relax
and flirt. Well, not so fast. That relaxation may
What post-tryst txt does she want?
We asked 1,566 women what text message theyd most want to receive
the day after their first sexual encounter with you.
NICE TRY
0 1 2 3
I LIKE WATCHING U SLEEP
Ready for rnd 2?
Youre a good kisser
Was it good 4 u?
Last night was amazing
Cant wait 2 c u again!
Can still smell uhot!
Hey. Hows it going?
Youre beautiful
3 m e n s h e a lt h . c o m
be the result of a self-fulfilling prophecy
rather than the alcohol itself: Researchers
from the University at Buffalo have found that
when people are given a drink and told its
alcohol, they loosen up as if they actually had
booze.
Limit your drinks to one per hour, says
Garrison. You can relax just as easily without
the booze, so try to think positively and keep
your body loose. Still having trouble turning
down that third beer? Make sure youre hav-
ing a glass of water between every drink and
that youve eaten enough food, Brandon says.
And remember that women are more respon-
sive and trusting of men who are genuine. In
other words, she wants to know the real you,
not the boozy, buzzy you.
Step 4
make her comfortable
Youve started undressing each other, but sud-
denly she tenses up. You ask whats wrong, but
she can hardly look you in the eye. Youre con-
fused, and rightly so: Moments ago she was
giving you vixen eyes. But this isnt about you;
its about her. Shes nervous. Your goal is to
help her body and heart open, so you want to
create a safe environment, Brandon says.
Your plan: Start exploring each other
through touch long before youre anywhere
near a bed. Hold her hand; touch her shoul-
ders and the small of her back. You want to
build up your levels of trust and oxytocinthe
bonding hormoneand touch helps you do
that, says Garrison. Boosting both will help
bring her closer to you. But dont just touch
her bodyshow verbal appreciation. Offer
sincere compliments, especially about things
that arent overtly sexualher cute nose, her
BINGO!
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
soft skin. When theyre genuine, these actions
can also build trust. Compliments are like
saying, Whatever flaws you think you have,
Im either aware of them and dont care or Im
so engaged with you right now that I dont
notice them, Garrison says.
Step 5
let her lead
Generally you want to take it easy your first
time out of the gate with a new gal. But what if
shes quite comfortableand suddenly taking
charge? You may start to worry: What if you
bore her? Or cant please her? Or fall short of
her expectations? That can lead to an even
worse mistakeovercompensation. As a cul-
ture, we put pressure on men to perform sexu-
ally and to last a long time, Brandon says.
Of course, youre overthinking. Dont forget
to just enjoy the ride. And you can do that by
playing off her excitement. Women who like
to take control often like to have control
taken, says Brandon. Try being aggressive
with her. Grab her hands and hold them above
her head. Or, if shes making you a little too
excited, you can flip her over and take charge
that way. These strategies have the double
bonus of diverting her attention away from
your erection so you can prolong the experi-
ence with her while also showing her that
youre a good sexual match.
Step 6
TALK ABOUT IT
There, you did it. Everyones happyyou think,
anyway. After your bedroom romp, she might
feel compelled to ask if you loved the
experience as much as she did. We live in an
achievement-driven society, and people tend
to focus on whether their partner reached
orgasm or enjoyed their kissing technique,
says Garrison. But its not just curiosity thats
making her want to snuggle and talk. After
orgasms, theres a release of oxytocin, says
Stanley Althof, Ph.D., executive director of
the Center for Marital and Sexual Health of
South Florida. This makes people feel closer
and more trusting, and want to touch, hold
each other, or cuddle.
That rush may also put you in a sleepy mood,
but Garrison urges you to fight through your
desire to snooze. Address the need for pillow
talk by directing a conversation. Ask a heart-
felt question, like How do you feel right now?
says Garrison. If youre too tired for a long con-
versation, then check in briefly with each
other. You can reminisce when youre both
more alert for a real talk, perhaps over brunch
the next morning or some other time when you
can both connectand tee up roundtwo while
youre at it. j
 Wired for Sex
5 Things to Never Say to a Naked Woman
When the sex is good, it speaks for itself. When its not, you have to use actual words.
Just choose them carefully or she may cut you off for good.
By L AU R A R O B ER S O N
That orgasm
seemed as phony
as Cheez Whiz.
Dont accuse her, says
Eli Finkel, Ph.D., a profes-
sor of social psychology
at Northwestern Univer-
sity. Instead, have that
talk away from the bed-
room. When the topic
comes up naturally, say,
You dont ever need to
fake orgasms with me.
Iwant our relationship to
be totally honest. Youll
foster mutual respectin
and out of the sack.
Not now, thanks.
Id rather just read
my book.
Youre allowed to be
tired, but make sure she
knows youre surprised
too. Try, I cant believe
Im saying this, but Im
too exhausted, says
Finkel. Then ask for a
rain checksay, for the
morningand tell her
youll do anything she
wants. Reassuring her
is important, Goldman
says. If she knows
youre still interested,
shell give you a pass.
Theres something Is that supposed
really weird I want
to try with you.
Congratsnow shes
leery. If you say, I know
this is weird, but your
partner is bound to feel
conflicted, Goldman
says. A smarter way in:
Im curious about
Love can be messyespecially the sex part. But to straighten things out, sometimes you
bondage. What do you
have to start a difficult conversation. And thats fine, if you do it with tact. You have to develop the think? By starting a your own game, and
vocabulary to talk about sensitive issues, says Arlene Goldman, Ph.D., a sex therapist based in Phila conversation instead of
delphia. It will help you please your partner. In fact, a recent study published in the Journal of Couple forcing her to say yes or
& Relationship Therapy found that communication is the most critical factor in a couples success no, you give her time to
its even more significant than the sex itself. Thats why you should pause before you open your big think. Shell see that you complaint between two
mouth and say something youll regret. We talked to the experts to find out how you can ace the talks view the act as a way to
youd rather avoid and still come out on top (or bottomwhichever you prefer). connect, not control.
4 m e n s h e a lt h . c o m
Ill enjoy the sex
more after you
take an STD test.
The message she
hears: I suspect you
have an STD. Thats
not exactly a turn-on.
So flip the script: Tell
her you want to get
tested for her sake, and
ask if shed be willing
to do it with you. If you
frame the suggestion
as something the two
of you can do together,
says Goldman, then
she wont feel accused.
You have to
develop the
vocabulary
to talk about
sensitive
issues. It
will help you
please your
partner.
to feel good?
I dont like it.
Say this, and youll look
like an ass. Instead,
show that youre eager
to improve too, says
Goldman. Ask, What
do you want more of or
less of in bed? Youll
learn something about
when its your turn to
share, shell be all ears.
One trick: Sandwich the
compliments, and it will
go down even easier.
 Wired for Sex

Recently, a friend and I were

discussing a slew of dates wed been
on. He mentioned an experience
hed had with a gal named Allison
that didnt quite work out.
She said she hated going to the
gym, Jeff said, shaking his head.
How could I date someone who
doesnt care about her health?
As he spoke, I felt a wave of anxi-
ety crash over me. I wondered how
many offhand remarks Id made in
the past that had immediately
landed me on some guys do not
call list. Even though I compete in
triathlons, I could imagine making a
similar comment about the gym,
especially if I was under the influ-
ence of early-date jitters. For all Jeff
knew, maybe his date hated the gym
because she preferred to run out-
side. Hed never find out.
These details matter. Your per-
ceptions can be wildly skewed when
you size up a potential partner, says
Stan Tatkin, Psy.D., author of Wired
for Love. Where you meet, your
mannerisms, your preconceptions

Show Her Your

even movies youve seenall shape
how you perceive each other. Its
not just those awkward first dates
that spark perception errors. Wires

Best Sides
can cross at any time, making it
harder for partners to see each other
as they truly are. So use our tips to
check your perceptions against real-
ity at every stage of your relation-
Perceptions rule relationships, so make sure you both ship. You may find that shes far
have your eyes wide open. more interesting, complex, and sexy
than you imagined.
By A N N A DAV I ES

5 m e n s h e a lt h . c o m
 Wired for Sex

Early Days Months In Years Later

Stage-Manage Your
Debut with Her
Even if you two havent exchanged a word yet,
context and environment weigh heavily on your
early perceptions of each other. Say you have
your eye on someone powering down the bike
path. You assume shes athletic, which in your
mind can come with a string of other attributes
that might color your view of her, for better or
worse. Similarly, a woman may decide whether
or not to message you solely on the basis of a cer-
tain band you mention in your dating profile.
We take the limited data we have and fill in the
blanks based on our experiences, says psycholo-
gist Christie Hartman, Ph.D., author of Find the
Love of Your Life Online. Until these character-
izations are proven otherwise, our brains cling to
them. To avoid any off-base assessments, try
engineering those first impressions a bit better.
}Ditch drinks and dinner Think about doing
something more unexpected early on, whether
its taking a kayaking class or just grabbing cof-
fee and going for a walk in the park. Mixing it
up makes it harder for your brain to categorize
her, Hartman says. It also takes you off auto
pilot. Sharing an experience allows you to
interact in the moment instead of swapping the
same old getting-to-know-you stories, which
can make you fall back into a role that may not
be wholly authentic, says Hartman.
}Sit in the glow of her friends Sure, buying a
round of drinks for her pals will make them like
you, but the move warms her up to you as well.
Arecent Mississippi State University study
found that the opinions of friends positively
influence how potential partners are perceived.
This is true even over the long term. When
your friends like your romantic partner, youre
likely to be more satisfied and committed to
that relationship, says lead study author Brit-
tany Wright, a Ph.D. candidate. Bonus move:
Spruce up your Facebook profile. A study in
Human Communication Research found that
users who had posts with attractive people were
considered better-looking than people whose
walls were filled with average-looking pals.
Fill In the Blanks
of Your Perceptions
After a few months, you may still be seeing each
other through rose-colored glasses, thanks to
the surge of hormones emitted when falling in
love, says psychologist Shauna Springer, Ph.D.,
author of Marriage, for Equals. When you meet
someone you really like, you also extend some-
thing similar to whats called a self-serving bias
toward them, Springer says. Youre motivated
to perceive the object of your attraction in the
best possible light. If, say, you see her being rude
to the waitress, youre likely to attribute it to her
having a bad day rather than a sign of her char-
acter. Over time, though, youll see each other in
a more realistic light. These tricks will help clar-
ify your vision along the way.
}Seek out adventure Its important to see each
other when your routines are stripped away and
you can more deeply explore your personali-
ties. So find a destinationcamping, an island
retreatthat neither of you has ever visited. It
takes a year to really get to know someone, so
even if you feel extremely close, you may still be
seeing what you want to see and not who this
person really is, Tatkin says. Go with no plan
and a mutual willingness to improvisethis will
push both of you in new directions, revealing
more facets of your personalities.
}Dont sweat the small stuff So youve realized
that shes not the Kate Upton clone youve been
seeing in your brainand she sees that youre
no Ryan Gosling. Thats normaland its a good
sign, says Tatkin. The concept of permanency
both excites and frightens us. The fear activates
a threat response, which makes us look for flaws
in our partner, he says. I once had a client who
raved about a man for weeks; then one day all
she could talk about was how big his ears were.
Shed focused all her fears and doubts on some-
thing she could see. So when you find yourself
fixated on something minor, mentally refresh
your perception of her. Flip through photos
youve taken of her and pretend youre seeing
her for the first time. Still cute? Then ask your-
self how important those flaws really are.
Bring Fresh Perspectives
to Your Relationship
If youve been together for years, your relation-
ship is mostly rooted in reality, but perceptions
still shift as each partner grows and changes
over time. Couples can fall into overfamiliarity
and assume they know everything about each
other, Springer says. Furthermore, gradually
dropping activities or interests can alter your
perceptions without either of you realizing it.
Say, for instance, you used to play guitar but
stopped because work and life got in the way.
She doesnt know you as a guitar player, and you
may have forgotten how important that was to
you. Fixing such lapses can perk up your per-
ceptions of each other. Also explore these other
ways of being more in the moment.
}Hone your compliments Hearing praise from
your significant other helps both of you con-
tinue to present your best selves, even as the
relationship settles into a pjs-and-Homeland
routine. Rather than risk discovering the truth
that your beliefs about her arent correct, she
may subconsciously put in extra effort to sync
up with your compliment, says Gary Lewan-
dowski, Ph.D., a psychologist at Monmouth Uni-
versity. Giving her specific praiseshes really
rocking that dress, her eyes look great in that
lightalso puts you in the habit of seeing and
appreciating her in the moment, as she truly is.
}Add elements of surprise People are suscep
tible to change blindness in their daily lives,
says Lewandowski. They might not notice phys-
ical changes, like weight loss (or gain) or new
haircuts, in their partner. The best way to reset
is to see each other in contexts you normally
arent privy to, whether its inviting her to come
watch you shoot hoops or going to happy hour
with her and her colleagues, Springer says. In
those circumstances youre each framed differ-
ently, and you may suddenly notice changes in
your personalities or appearances. You may
even come away with entirely new perspectives.
Shell see you as the player your buddies look up
to, and youll see her as the hilarious trash-
talker you never knew she was. j

Live in the Moment Refresh Your Look Stick together

Reset her sexual perceptions You want to play it cool, but
too much emphasis on acting
Boost your bedroom action with tips from confident may leave you look-
psychologist Jennifer Harman, Ph.D. ing more insecure in her eyes.
To take your mind off what
shes thinking, focus on how
sexy she looksand what you
want to do with her next.
Act like a bachelorspend
extra time on your grooming
and clean your place. These
efforts will trigger memories
in both of you from when
the relationship was fresh
and getting busy required
quite a bit more effort.
Women in committed rela
tionships may feel more
daring in bed because theyre
not afraid of being judged.
Prove your commitment to
her outside the bedroom
and shell reward you when
youre in it. Diana Stanczak

6 m e n s h e a lt h . c o m
 Wired for Sex

6 Bedroom BlundersSolved!
Admit it, Romeo: Youre not always as suavein the buff as you are clothed.
Heres how to handle your gaffes head-on.
By M A D ELINE H A LLER

Sometimes Things go wrong between the sheets. But you can bounce
back: We asked more than 1,000 women what runs through their minds
after some common screwups. As it turns out, theyre quite forgiving.
With the right recovery plan,youll be back to business in no time.
CRISIS METER

You blurt out, Another girl keeps You call her the
I love you! calling you. wrong name.

Recovery Plan Recovery Plan Recovery Plan

Over the top? Yes. A sex
stop sign? Probably not.
In our survey, only 7
percent of women said
this would kill their sex
drive. So if it slips out in
the heat of the moment,
just rephrase it, says
Emily Morse, host of
the Sex with Emily radio
show. Say, Sorry if that
came out strong. I just
love the way you make
me feel. Then keep on
going, lover boy.
Shut off your phone
the sooner the better
and explain who the
woman is. Women are
like private investiga-
tors, says Morse. We subconscious thoughts
will find out who that
woman is. Its better in
the long run if youre
honest now. Apologize
for the buzzkill and
promise to call the
woman tomorrow to
ask her to stop bom-
barding your cell.
Talk fast. During sex,
inhibitions are low,
says Karen Sherman,
Ph.D., the author of
Marriage Magic! So
can slip out. Did you
recently toss some pics
of your ex or watch a
film with an actress by
that name? Explain it,
and then double up on
romance and cuddling.
If shes not ready to for-
give you, youll know it.

You cant unhook Your sheets could You fart while

her bra. use changing. doing the deed.

Recovery Plan Recovery Plan Recovery Plan

Relax, butterfingers.
This happens so often
that she probably wont
be fazed at all, says
Kristen Mark, Ph.D., a
sex and relationship
researcher at the Uni
versity of Kentucky. If
youre really struggling,
make a joke about it.
(What is this, a chastity
bra?) Then surrender
and ask for help. She
may even enjoy doing
the slow reveal.
If shes already there,
pour her a drink in the
living room and excuse
yourself to change your
sheets. If your whole
bedroom is a mess, cut
your losses, says Mark.
Just say you want to
move slow, and ask to
pick her up for brunch
in the morning. Youll you are to let one rip.
look like a gentleman
and prove that youre
still interested in seeing
her. Now start cleaning!
She heard it, so dont
pretend she didnt.
Laugh, apologize, and
carry on, says Morse.
And if youre still gassy,
switch to a position that
puts her on top, such
as cowgirl, Mark sug-
gests. The less you
thrust, the less likely
And if something does
slip out by mistake, the
mattress will help muf-
fle the sound.

OUTSMART YOUR PENIS You finish too fast
Dont freak out if you cant perform. In our survey, women ranked If youre about to lose it,
equipment failure as a medium-low worry. Ian Kerner, a sex counselor stop thinking about
and coauthor of The Big, Fun, Sexy Sex Book, explains how to stay in the your penis, pull out, and
game. (For persistent problems, see a doctorthe cause may be physical.) play with her breasts or
clitoris. If its too late,
just return the favor.
You cant keep it up You cant orgasm
Turn your focus from Again, stop thinking
your problem to her about your penis. Go
body, and then try down on her, and when
something different. youre ready to give it
Switch from intercourse another go, amp things
to oral, for example. up with a new position.

7 m e n s h e a lt h . c o m